Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Meh on June 14, 2015, 12:56:55 AM
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My nephews 10 and 12 are visiting from out of state coming in only two weeks. Something overcame me and I got so excited about them coming thinking of all the things we might be able to do when they are here. They both said they wanted to learn how to cook something (muffins) (pizza). They are staying at my mothers house. She said she really didn't really have any plans figured out, well I looked up things to do and some of them she decided to do with the kids.. I've tried to talk to her about it in detail and she refuses to converse about it except for on the most superficial level. Pretty much making it impossible to plan anything. I called her and she was paying her dog groomers so she couldn't speak to me. I called her and she had to talk to a lawyer so she couldn't speak to me. I called her and she was at the post office so she couldn't speak to me. I called her and she is watching a movie so she couldn't speak to me. That was over the span of two weeks. She is retired. She used to have her job as an excuse for why she wouldn't speak to me, now she just uses any old lame ass excuse. She had planned a get-together for herself, her husband, her sister, her sister's husband, her sister's daughter and my two nephews. I wasn't invited and I didn't even really know it was going on. Of course I have to work but its not decent to not invite me. I wouldn't want to go anyhow too many people in one room that have rather treated me like shit.
I'm feeling angry and alienated. Since I barely talk to her anymore she usually doesn't have much impact on me anymore. But now this is really bothering me. It should be fun but its not and somehow I don't even want to bother anymore. I feel like exploding. Right now I don't really know what to do.
All the writing on here I don't think has changed anything at all. My emotional terrain isn't any different in fact I think its just slowly worse over the years.
In fact I now am so unhappy that it might be better if I don't meet up with them at all.
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Decided to take a step back from the situation. I went from feeling excited and happy to feeling depressed & angry & sad in about five minutes.
What if things like these really are the cause of depression and mental health issues. i don't even know what I am saying I'm tired and feel like i cant formulate my thoughts.
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I'm sorry you're feeling so out of sorts, Garbonzo.
Did stepping back help?
Lighter
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I am so, so sorry Boat.
To be turned aside like that--from family who should care--is excruciating.
I've lived this and I know and I'm so very very sorry.
LOTS of self-compassion, self-love, and finding new sources of love that are NOT relatives...
is the only way through in my experience...
I'm so sorry for this hurt. I so hope you'll reach out in some way to connect somewhere.
With other people, so you're not all alone so much. (Even introverts need PHamily--meaning
community phamily, not the "bios.")
Words fail.
Hops
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I am going to see my nephews. I am going. It is planned on and its my goal.
Well yah stepping back for a while helped. Its always hell. You know what I am talking about.
I got some craft stuff though to take with me. I hope the kids like it. Its about the kids not my mother so I just keep on reminding myself that. Tomorrow after work I will be doing the trek to her house and spending the night and then next couple days hanging out with the kids, will be doing a museum and something else not sure yet what.
Keeping my fingers crossed. We will see how it goes.
Thanks guys.
Coming back and reading your comments made me feel a little mindful the cliche yoga thing about being centered... its true. I need to go back to my breathing.
I am so excited to see my nephews.
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Well I got through my first Tues/Weds night and Thursday with my nephews. It was as fun as it could possibly be with my mother complaining constantly about everything.
I went back to work today and am exhausted I think it may in part be due to a heat wave.
She got drunk one night and was being really unpleasant but somehow I survived it and I think the kids had some moments of fun for whatever its worth.
I bought a bunch of fireworks. One of them was huge and it went straight up into the air a lot higher and bigger than I had expected. Just today there was a burn ban announced so I guess I got lucky with that. The four of us, my two nephews and my drunk mother and myself went down to a small secluded beach and I lit them off.
Oddly my drunk narcissistic mother seemed to enjoy it the most.
We did some other things as well just so the kids could do some things they haven't done before.
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SOOOOOOOOO glad it went well, Boat!
And so ironic that drunken Nmom enjoyed it most.
N-parents never really grow up, since they're emotionally arrested, imo...
But great that it worked to defang her long enough so that you could
enjoy being an aunt!
BRAVO to you for your determination to create a happy memory.
AND YOU DID.
Yay, you!
love
Hops
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Well they left last Saturday got on the plane back home :(
i got to go fishing with them etc. We caught a little fish it was a type of sunfish I think a pumpkin seed lol just a little bugger but at least we caught something. Larger fish would have required a bigger fishing pole really as there was a guy who caught a pretty decent sized trout with a line casted out into deeper water.
Should not admit this but I cried on my bus ride home on the last day that I saw them. Kinda of extreme I guess but it makes me feel sad that I dont have relatives near by that feel like "friends and family"
Just got home from work and put some pork ribs in oven will see how it comes out its always a surprise. Sat down with a bottle of beer and kind of feeling more aware of being lonely than before my nephews came.
Over all it was decent, no major arguments or anything with my mother just one annoying night of her acting drunk and shitty but besides that it was okay. So here I am sort of alone again basically. I like to have some quiet time and breathing room so I can hear myself think but really I would prefer to have people around over this kind of defaulting-to-solitude- mode.
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@ Hops... Awww you always have something nice to say Hops. Thanks!!!
Yes I am very glad I got to see them, I only wish that they could have stayed longer or that I had the ability to have them over at my place so I could have taken them to do things in the city more but it just didn't turn out that way.
So whats going on with you?
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Your tears on the bus made perfect sense to me, Boat.
Sad as it felt, that sorrow is real and needed releasing.
I'm one of those people who has no family too. No functioning
family that I can see or talk to. So I have wept too.
All I can see for warmth and hope in my life and future is
PHamily--the friends I've made through various small group
things I've done. That's how I met most of the few folks I am
now close to and probably always will be. They're the PHamily.
Every one needs one.
I'm okay. Fresh wave of sorrow over my daughter lately.
Talked it out with friends and T and I'm moving on. Been
slow to garden or do much of anything since my trip, but
it's still beautiful summer here. Things bloom around me
whether they're my blooms or not...
hugs
Hops
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I wish I had a family. Whatever that means.
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I wish i could take a month off of my job and just take a break for a while. I feel exhausted.
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Just feeling rather sad and lonely. Pretty much same ol same ol. I don't feel like writing here or typing it out maybe because it seems pointless after all this time doing the same thing.
Went to my mother's place to pick up some cookware/ and other things that I had left behind for my nephews to use while they were visiting etc. Even though I have kind of done away with my mother she feels like the only family I have. Its kind of sick and sad.
Anyhow I guess I will waste the rest of my day doing some chores. Need some groceries. Its a good candidate for chop wood, carry water.
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You deserve friends, Boat.
Friends can make a PHamily.
I know when you're exhausted and depressed it's hard to drum
up the energy to go be social...but it's probably one of those
fake it 'til you make it kinds of things.
That's why group therapy kinds of things were so powerful
for me when I was in a low place for a long time...no chit chat
expected but I still learned I was not alone. It started my healing
from the biofam stuff. Lifelong work, but that's how it began...
hugs
Hops
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You are right Hops. Totally correct. :)