Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on August 27, 2015, 11:10:03 AM
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For the last 2 years Nboss has had a new handmaiden. A hyper-religious honey-coated person who has her sincere side, but who behaves as though authority and power are what motivate her most.
Very very sugar-coated, gushing, etc. But from the moment she walked in (she was formerly ProdMan's right hand, for anyone who remembers the saga of his hatred for me), she treated me as a threat.
And she has won. Long story short, my requests for quiet (she shrieks with laughter all day and creates a whole lot of noise, and I have a very hard time--worse than colleagues--concentrating) have irritated her to the point that she stirred the pot with Nboss until it all erupted. He wrote an absolutely vicious, classic, beat-down "writeup" of me for my "not contributing positivity to the company culture" and has had it put in my file.
New Young Man (few years, soon to be CEO) is an ally so I don't think I'm going to lose my job. But it was just remarkably vicious. Attacking my personality, character, very very personal language. Similar to things he's done in the past, and clearly the culmination of all of these years of toxicity.
I can't go anywhere, need to work at least 5 more years. So I'm going to do my best to turn into a Gray Rock and wait him out (he does plan to retire and turn the reins over, and I know the new CEO values me, as does my closest work colleague). But if Nboss on his own was toxic, in combination with ... what shall I call her ... The Saint, the dynamics are ghastly. The office staff seem pretty okay, and new CEO (to be soon) is okay.
Oh. Forgot to say a key point. Nboss wedged his own 23 y/o son into our dept., who has no experience or talent for his tasks, and ... surprise ... turns out his son is vicious too. He complained nonstop to his father about my editing of his work (which tobeCEO described as "incoherent") -- and that's what set Nboss after me. How DARE I.
Oy.
Hops
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Oh Hops :( I had forgotten all about your troubles at work as it's been such a long time since you mentioned them and they sound just as ghastly now as they did then. I am so sorry to read that you are trapped with this buffoon, his henchlady and his offspring. Although glad that your 'in the future' CEO seems to be a good egg.
How long until this hideous one retires? Will he be taking the noisy lady with him? I've no practical advice to offer, I'm afraid, although you sound as if you've sorted it in your mind anyway, but wanted to say I'm sorry you're having to deal with this again and hoping it all eases off a bit soon xx
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Oh, Hoppy....
so sorry, but it didn't read as badly as I thought it might.
You didn't" lose", you just got smacked around.
Again.
Nboss is an ass, and the people who aren't disordered see that, and they see the Saint and you for what you are.
It's going to be OK.
::praying Nboss retires soon, and work life gets better quick::
Lighter
::sending sour mean boppies to NBoss' son::
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Hi Hops,
It has always been clear on this Board that you are one of the most thoughtful, caring people on the planet. So it is with great pain that I read how you are being treated. But we know that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are blinded by their own need to self-inflate and put others down in order to "stand out" in comparison—so they cannot distinguish the good (wonderful in your case) from the bad. And as a result, they end up doing incredible harm to others. Take care and know that I am thinking of you.
Richard
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I agree with the Dr. you are thoughtful Hops.
That sucks. People are Assholes.
Can you do over the ear noise canceling headphones? Monoprice Hi-Fi DJ Style Acoustic Pro Studio Headphones or something... if you bedazzle it then its art or a fashion statement. Just kidding. Sorry :( I hate trauma at work.
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/a8/0a/3a/a80a3ad72d57e9b2f22c697f1c97dd84.jpg
Also practice that facial expression the model is making too. Sort of joking but idk what else can a person do besides making sure their own work space in conducive to work production.
One of my co-workers lost his job I guess, he sat down two seats from me. He was WAY better at salesmanship than I am. I think the only reason I haven't lost my job is because I show up for work and he had too many days he couldn't come to work due to family stuff. Though I would have thought that they would try to work with him, give him unpaid days off or something.
I have nothing more to say other than that sucks, people are assholes and employers are stupid. :) I wish I could say something better but you know what I mean.
Oh and also unfair and arbitrary, I would describe workplaces this way.
F-Word-ERS etc.
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Tupp, Lighter, Doc G, Boat...
Thank you so much for the kind words. Can't tell you how much it helped to read them tonight before I head back to work tomorrow!
I will be all right. Having friends in the ether, a few close friends in the 3-D, a good and decent T, and a sense that really, although there's plenty wrong with me I truly didn't deserve that treatment...makes me feel basically okay.
Meanwhile, I'll just keep working on my RBF: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/02/fashion/im-not-mad-thats-just-my-resting-b-face.html (http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/02/fashion/im-not-mad-thats-just-my-resting-b-face.html)
Big hugs,
Hops
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Tupp, Lighter, Doc G, Boat...
Thank you so much for the kind words. Can't tell you how much it helped to read them tonight before I head back to work tomorrow!
I will be all right. Having friends in the ether, a few close friends in the 3-D, a good and decent T, and a sense that really, although there's plenty wrong with me I truly didn't deserve that treatment...makes me feel basically okay.
Meanwhile, I'll just keep working on my RBF: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/02/fashion/im-not-mad-thats-just-my-resting-b-face.html (http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/02/fashion/im-not-mad-thats-just-my-resting-b-face.html)
Big hugs,
Hops
Sending positive thoughts your way, lovely Hops, and 'get lost, Face-ache' thoughts to Mr Dopey :) xx
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Of course you'll be OK, Hops.
It's like a wave hits us, and then we go through the various stages of dealing with being treated unfairly/egregiously..... and then there's the harm done by bystanders, and sometimes the balm of bystanders who "get it."
I think that's the thing that always redeems my faith in humanity. The people who take the time, and sometimes the risks, to stand up, and speak out, or DO something that helps when they could do nothing.
You're such a nice person..... and maybe that's one of the things that makes the pd's mark you/nice people in general out?
Stay on your path. Try to re focus your energy on the joyful things, and remember....
this too shall pass.
It's going to be OK.
Lighter
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Well, it can't be ALL bad when the soon-to-be-new-CEO himself sends me this. (Link below.)
I adore him so once he finally gets a grip on the reins (will take a couple years
for the employee-owners to get over 50% shares, but it's coming)--it'll be a very different atmospher.
http://www.theonion.com/article/boss-able-seamlessly-blend-constructive-criticism--51221 (http://www.theonion.com/article/boss-able-seamlessly-blend-constructive-criticism--51221)
Made my day! I do feel much much better.
Thanks to all of you, supportive Amazons that you are...
love
Hos
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:)
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Whew, Hoppy.
What a relief to have that support from soon to be boss.... guy.
It's a clear message that he understands the insanity.
That he'll run the show differently.
Right?
Does he talk to you about it?
hhaw
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Yes, fortunately. Young soon-to-be-boss are on the exact same page regarding Nboss' PD.
Youngboss majored in psychology (before his two MBAs) and married a Norwegian engineer, so he also gets sexism.
It's been a massive relief to have him and the art director, another 30-ish fellow I get along with really well, as companions. Having witnesses even when everything can't be fixed is a real sanity saver.
I'm hanging in FT until age 70 because at that point, your SS income will be about 75% higher for life.
Thanks for asking, things are for now, a lot better.
Hops
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Oh no. Deepest condolences. I trust that you are completely right in your intuitions and observations of this undermining, slandering, manipulative bs of the highest water.
You describe the situation so well and i find myself fascinated by the tactics and .... weird insane group dynamic that is run by people who are highly intelligent but cases of severely arrested development. This sandbox behaviour of playing one person off against the other and talking behind their backs and trying to Bring A Person Down are so crazimaking.
You must not blame yourself or think that they are right in the slightest way. There is something so unfair about this situation as you are the person I would vote as the least likely to be worthy of put downs in the workplace. When you say you are challenged attentionally because some twit is noisy in the workplace this is not good. The emphasis is on the wrong syllable. God, I know this kind of shenanigans so well. A noisy, attention seeking workmate is surely behaving immaturely in the workplace. Getting chastized for a normal, healthy reaction is so toxic. If you need ear phones maybe they could chant the truth to you all day long. ie. you are beautiful, exceptional, funny, delightful and totally loveable. I love you, anyway. Oh yes, you are very intelligent and insightful. It is a bloody travesty that one of our special angels is getting the narcissistic treatment at work.
In order to not bust a gasket I hope there are things that work for you. Detachment, not buying into the slander=backstabbing, extreme humour and role playing. Venting.
I notice you are not one to stamp up and down, throw tantrums, verbal darts. I hope you can do a bit of this uncivilized but cathartic behaviour. There is a toll to one's health in being a target. And in your case sort of a target of a few deranged souls.
Please feel free to keep me up to date on this ongoing problem. For both our sakes.
As for losing......... You did not lose, be sure of that. You have that aweful feeling of loss of control after the rug is pulled out from under you. It is real and a siren needs to go off at such times announcing...... Oh this is what it feels like to be the target of a disordered mind.
You haven't lost.... you haven't even played the game. You are such a winner except you are in a crummy, stupid workplace environment that is socially haywire.
Tons of love and blessings to you.
Back in the saddle Hops.
Sea storm
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Aww, Sea. I love you back, girl.
Why do you live so far awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay?
I'm really better. Colleague allies make all the difference, even though we have to whisper or "chat" our secret solidarily messages.
Nboss is off on other tangents. Seems he relieves his tension by attacking me and now we're "good friends" again. I keep wondering
when it might occur to him that someone who smiles brightly (on demand) at him every day just a few days after he's sliced and diced
her just might...possibly...not be behaving authentically...
But then I realize he really doesn't see, doesn't get, and can't possibly. Nism blinds one like that. So I "bless him" (sometimes) and let it go.
Fortunately for me, he's got work to do that mostly keeps him out of my space.
I'm okay. But I love you (and all-a y'all) for perceiving how it felt and saying to me that you get it.
Sometimes, that's actually enough to make it better!
Much love and gratitude,
Hops
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glad to be helpful. Still Screaming like a crow, flapping behaviour, snivelling loudly with multiple hankies sounds good. Obviously, I am no a stoic. Nor do i have to hang on to this miserable, bottom feeding, life sucking job.
there just must be some way to turn this into lemonade. I am not kidding. You are incredibly articulate and observant, able to read body language from far distances. I know it used to feel to me like i was talking about dirty underwear when I would confess how bad things were at work my muliple teacher bosses. People looked at me like I was crazy so that I soon learned to clam up. Big problem.
What i am stumbling around trying to say is that it is very welcome to me to hear your story, complete with nuances and hyperbole. i think at some point, maybe further along, we could laugh maniacly about it and not give the bastards such power. It is no small thing to take power back from such masters. Nice people don't even have that gene.
Lets talk more about this.
Loads of love, Still screaming and snivellling
Sea
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Hmmmmm oddly quiet from the toxic work place front. Hope they are not dropping poppy seeds or something in your tea. Have you noticed any new symptoms?
Maybe boss is gone? Miracles do happen.
Lots of love
Sea storm
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Hi Sea,
Thanks for asking! Mostly, Nboss is preoccupied with an office move and trying to run a retreat (when he's not running incredibly invasive "leadership trainings" which I'm mercifully not involved in). He forces (well, he's the boss, so they don't say no) employees to attend day-long "workshops" run by him (no qualifications whatsoever, save for his having lived with a corrupt guru for 20 years) during which he demands they expose their innermost vulnerabilities and life stories and such, which he hoovers up like a buzzard. It's all vulnerability, which he soaks up...while never offering any in return.
Inappropriate as hell for a workplace, and they all absolutely hate it. But they have to feed their families.
I'm not in it. And my close colleague the Art Director recently escaped (because I told my other good colleague, the next-CEO, how toxic it is for Art Dir) having to continue--and he told Nboss he had to let Art Dir out of it. Art Dir is very relieved (but also a little worried about Nboss payback). I think he's going to be okay as we simply couldn't function without him.
Me? I've got my head down and have accepted that I have 4.5 years to go until retirement. I hope it's no more than that. I have made a contact who might be able to help me "run the numbers" to be sure of a retirement date. Just need to move forward with that appointment, etc.
I was off for two weeks during which I read, slept, and did nothing much else. Just went back Friday.
Stay tuned and I'm sure if things escalate again, I'll bring it here!
love to you -- and how ARE YOU Sea?
Hops
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Hi
The boss that forces people to disclose and share in less than psychologically safe group. This is really new heights in controlling behaviour. I have been reading about micromanagers lately and he sounds like a controller who fits the bill. This is very disturbing to employees and causes them to leave about 80 percent of the time. It has a disastrous effect on morale. Looking back on my working life in the school system I can see how demoralizing that kind of controlling behaviour had on me. The thing I didn't know then was that I could not control such people or out manipulate them and that if anything would have helped it would have been changing myself. When life is piling it on one, in work, family, love life, etc it is so much better to have a solid anchor and sense of grounding in oneself.
Good grief! Sounds so pious.
I started attending a women's twelve step program. It is very rigid though and even after two weeks several women are very triggered but it is not dealt with in the group. There is not cross talk at all which is ok except the level of disclosure is very high. Curiously, women are calling me and needing to get emotional support. I mean curious in that there is no room for that in the group but the group needs it. I guess. The leader of the group phoned me and she was beside herself and agitated because she said that it is a twelve step group and there is no room for counseling. I asked how to deal with people getting very triggered by all the disclosures and she said that we just need to love each other. When I asked what that looked like she was FURIOUS. She said , just say you love the person. I don't know. Maybe that works for Mother Theresa and the Pope but seems like throwing straw to a drowning person. Of course the people who are triggered need counseling but they won't get that support in this group. To me, this makes it a crummy group. On the other hand, talking about my relationship with despair and God was beneficial. Hearing about how other women have experienced the same despair and sense of powerlessness brought me so much closer to them. I have been sitting on the sidelines for a long time and this at least engages me and forces me to shake the tree of life in myself. We enter the tree of life through our deepest wounds.
Poor you, you ask how I am and you get Beethoves's Fifth.
On the work front, I am very busy with my Etsy store selling Chinese and Japanese antiques. I study these areas and my store is doing pretty well. It has been like sitting on a big rock and trying to get it warm for the last four years. It has been a big commitment. I love having the antiques around the house: antique wedding kimonos, tea ceremony bowls, Chinese tapestries and embroideries, vases etc. The pieces come and go and it is so wonderful to unwrap a new old thing. This way I get to be surrounded by wonderful works of art. I feel like their protector. It is kind of amazing that I live in this little fishing and logging place and can have a business that is entirely international. I was thinking about the song: MY way by Frank Sinatra and I thought about the store and realized that I did it anyway. That would be a good epitaph. Just do it. or She did it anyway.
I do not miss having my every move scrutinized and judged and the jockeying for power that goes on it the workplace. It does either sharpen ones wits or drive one to the wits end. I miss having workmates though. Seems like I am often scrambling to put together a life. I guess that is how it is when one is marginalized as a single woman. Thank God I have some peace now and lots of contentment..
This board was a life saver for me and I still like to visit. It seems most of the people who were severely maimed by narcissists have settled down and made their peace with the beasts or changed so much that there are no beasts anymore. Like the war is over and the guns are silent. It is a really magnificent saga, all these people over the years growing together and helping each other through terrible storms.
I was going to write that I worry about you but decided not to. (laughing). I hope you transcend your crappy workplace and realize that it is not your fault at all and it is a mess.
A very interesting mess. There is a great story there.
As always,
Yer old pal, and love to ya Hops,
Sea storm
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Hops, I am still visualizing the cosmic 16 ton anvil dropping on your Nboss' head - mid-tirade, would be about perfect, methinks.
But then, I am also reminded that these people usually create their own "traps" and that the operation of karma, is still a mystery. You will be OK; people there probably come to you for validation that they're not crazy and how best to deal with him. They need you, to get through it themselves.
It's a crappy job; but someone's gotta do it. Better you than one of Nboss' sycophants. Sometimes we all gotta stand up in the age-old, good vs evil struggle.
Besides, if you left now, the idjit would literally fall apart - he NEEDS you to be there and keep on taking his crap - way more than you need the paycheck.
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How is everything going Hops?
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Hey Boat,
It's actually better right now, because we're launching a major new product line (which was my idea,
but of course...Nboss couldn't choke that out, ever). But it's meant that I have loads of work to do and
since the product is so different it's actually broken the usual boredom.
Busy is better. Finally realizing. But busy + new is better still.
Nboss is for now, out of my hair. (He'll be baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack...but not yet.)
Lotsa action at work, and that's working better for me. Hope it lasts.
Hugs to ya and thank you for asking me...
Hops
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Ha ha, yes sounds better indeed, nobody has time to undermine each other it sounds like. there is nothing better than having a distracted nemesis
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Distracted nemesis...I like that, Boat.
Then again, a severe N really never stops plotting, do they? The upshot is, he fired me last week. I subconsciously brought it on myself.
He had two "charges" against me. One is that I "don't get along with all members of the team." (He failed to say that the one person I didn't have a warm collegial productive relationship with was his 23 y/o son, who came in with no skills for half his duties and began demanding authority and ran complaining to his Daddy every time I balked. His son doesn't like women either. I did balk. It was visible. My bad.)
The other was my subconscious thing...people use Chat all the time to vent and to cope in that hothouse, and I was no exception. One day I wrote a snarky, pointed comment about Nboss ("fake personality, fake enthusiasm--Mega ugh," etc.) to my closest workmate. Looked down a moment later and realized I'd sent it TO NBOSS.
Uh-oh. It was like that moment when I challenged my brother--stating directly to him about his lack of helping me with taking care of our parents: "Where have you been the last 15 years?". In that moment I saw my brother change from merely a scary N to a Destroyer. And though Nboss is more subtle than that, I should've realized it was all over in that second. You just do NOT challenge or say something that punctures an N's self-image...and in that remark about "fake" (which is the whole story about mini-guru Nboss) I punctured his myth. I tried to make amends very sincerely and he played warm and fuzzy and forgiving for a couple weeks but (as I should've realized) of course it wasn't over.
Anyway, my coworkers were extremely upset (new CEO, who battled for me but couldn't prevail, Nboss owns 51%) and hugely supportive. Tears and hugs. Tomorrow I'm going to lunch at the home of my closest workmate and new CEO and I are getting together next week. We'll remain friends.
The one satisfying bit was at the end of the meeting. I asked, may I speak? (And since CEO was there, Nboss couldn't very well pretend I had no right to). And for about 10-15 minutes, I calmly told him everything I'd observed about him over the years, detailing his cruelty and manipulation. I said it was true I had some resentment, based on X incident and X devaluing and X belittlement and X sexism and X bullying, etc. And ended by saying how clear it was that any confident, assertive woman with education, broad experience and skills was an enormous, uppity threat to the way he sees the world. I ended by saying I've had many bosses, good and bad, in my long career, and that he is the single most toxic person I have ever worked for.
He said, "I disagree." And I said, "Of course you do." He was white in the face. And that was that. I felt calm, didn't shed a tear, and left with dignity intact. CEO and I went for a walk (and he hugged me and told me Nboss is unstable, irrational and capricious, and I literally am not replaceable--he's horrified) and as we returned Nboss passed us on the sidewalk. He looked at me with absolute pure HATRED. I wasn't rattled but it was the most naked hatred I've ever seen on another human's face.
Despite my missteps, it seems it was pretty obvious to everyone else that the punishment didn't fit the crime. (My first response was to tell him this is vicious, vindictive and vengeful. It's emotion and ego-driven, it's not rational. And it's not good for the company. But there was no point. I wasn't interested in pleading anyway. Didn't want to try.)
Within 5 minutes going down the road I began feeling changed. I am going to be okay. I have friends, an emergency fund for a few months. In four years I'll be 70 and can survive on social security. I will find something. No despairing, I am feeling determined, not helpless.
One more thing. I immediately emailed his chief competitor, who loathes Nboss (Nboss stole his design, and others in the industry know he's a fraud). Just mentioned I'd parted ways with the company and was interested in other opportunities in the niche I have such deep knowledge about. He wrote me back instantly: "I am absolutely interested in talking to you." We're supposed to talk this weekend. Who knows? I may get a better job, or a consulting gig, or something.
Or I may wind up with some very simple job in a great spot with a nice boss (or just a non-N boss) at half the pay and be happy and at peace. As long as I can hang on to my house, I can adapt to a very frugal life without losing joy.
One step at a time. He offered me a pittance severance agreement --3 months salary after 9 years--that would include renouncing my unemployment benefits (companies hate paying those as their rates go up) AND being muzzled from ever saying anything negative about the company. I have a few weeks to decide whether to sign it. I have choices:
--If I land a big gig before the deadline (pie in sky so far), just walk away. Don't sign a thing.
--File for unemployment anyway and let HIM fight it (he can, as he wrote me up and though it was totally distorted, he does have a paper trail that might justify "for cause.") That said, he is an enraged N with a successful company, so he'd think nothing of spending incredible $$ on lawyers to defeat me. I'm not up for that, but I do have a msg out to a well-recommended employment attorney to get a realistic assessment of my chances. I've heard it said that short of hitting somebody, it's pretty hard for companies to just refuse to pay unemployement benefits. I'll simply follow the attorney's advice, I'm not interested in a long drama.
--Through my own attorney, counter-offer that I'll sign it for a year's salary. (Even then, nothing prevents me from going to work for a competitor.) That would pay off my mortgage and leave me in much better shape.
Meanwhile, I'm breathing. Slowly catching on that in spite of the challenges of financial and old-age uncertainty, I am free.
love
Hops
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Hops, you are a legend. I am so, so glad to read that you told him exactly what the truth of the situation is, and that you did it calmly, with grace and dignity, in front of others so he couldn't interrupt or spin it as anything other than what it was. Amazingly brilliant. I am so glad others around you are being so supportive and in all honestly I am glad he sacked you, you are far, far too good for that place and I think, for the first time ever, he's actually done you a massive favour. Something much, much better is on the horizon now, whatever that may be. No advice for you re settlements as that sort of thing is completely over my head but being the wise, well counselled woman that you are you will find the best route and sail off along it. You are amazing :) xx
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Hops, you're the girl! You are right, this is not the end of your productive life, the dreams you have for yourself re finances and a pleasant retirement, etc. Your job description has changed, that's all. In a way, you've employed yourself as your own consultant and from the looks of things, you're doing a grand job.
Love,
tt
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Is that freedom and relief I hear??? :D
Well done, Hops. I was going to argue with you over whether your faux pas was subsconscious, but I kept reading instead. Think you're right there. It was just time those feelings were HEARD, you know?
This, that you wrote over on Tupp's thread, is pertinant too.
Anyway, what my T said was that he believes I'm unaware that I have an unusually high tolerance for abuse. It was what I learned beneath the bullying from my brother and schoolmates without rescue, plus the hollowness of an Nmother who didn't see me and couldn't respond with affection. And then it was all repeated with my N/Sbrother and Nboss. So T says, I think you long ago accepted the idea that it was acceptable for you to be treated unacceptably.
I don't know if it's this way for you or not - but my tolerance became something I was perversely proud of. It was like battle scars or something. And my ego simply wouldn't let me disengage from the battle with my own Nboss, until I finally convinced myself that life was too short to put up with assholes. What he doesn't realize, is that by firing you he's finally given you the upper hand. Advantage > Hops.
So, that's why the non-disclosure. He is assuming that at this point, you'll chew off your own arm to get away. And to top it off, he thinks he can buy you off cheap. HA! It's just my way of looking at it, but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction, now that you aren't predicating your well-being on satisfying his wants. (Yes, it's an ego thing... but it's also the golden mean of boundaries too. He simply can't tell you, cajole you, coerce you into doing what he wants you to do anymore. It doesn't have to be colored with revenge or vindictiveness either. You do and ask for what is right for you. But DO NOT under any circumstances, sign the Non-D. He is completely outside the lines of his rights, to ask for that after firing you. As an employer, I consider that at minimum, inappropriate; if not unethical and arrogant.)
And you can always stall for time, too. Saying you have to think things over carefully. ;)
I like your ideas so far.
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Thanks, PR. Couldn't appreciate your understanding more, given what you're in the middle of, friend.
The thing about the document is that it DOES give me 3 months' salary, and I have no certainty I actually will find adequate work in the field at my age. Hope so and will do my best, but at 65...no guarantee at all. So it's a pittance in perspective, but in the short-term, enough money to, say, buy a decent used car.
What to do, what to do. My enormous preference is not to sign it, and if I can get a swift offer from someone else in the same industry, I'd have the wherewithal to refuse it without a qualm. But that's where an employment attorney's objectivity comes in. Once I have that consultation, I'll know better what to do. And what's realistic.
One thing at a time, I think. Ain't no other choice.
One foot one moment one day. It'll hafta do.
And may wind up wonderful eventually.
It already IS wonderful, emotionally.
(Telling him calmly what I truly thought for 10 minutes at the end was almost worth it all...)
xo
Hops
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Guess what?
The chief competitor is flying me out after Xmas for a day or two of meetings with him and his people!
I might might might have a new job!
I don't want to move, but I'm happy to travel monthly and telecommute...
Hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope....
Hops
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Hops:
My stomach flips thinking about hitting that send button to the Bboss.... OMG.
And then telling him exactly what you've experienced.... everything you've witnessed.... everything he truly IS, and in front of the new CEO.
You're very brave, and you know what you're worth, Hops.
I sincerely hope this experience leads to a new/better job.
I can imagine Nboss has made it very easy for his competitor to feel wonderful about taking you on..... so many reasons. It basically cancels out what the Nboss meant to accomplish. It actually improves your situation, since you won't be working for Nboss any longer. Just that, alone, is reason for competitor boss to hire you, IMO, and then you're an asset and bring skills to the table that will work against N boss..... I see good things for you, Hops
Lighter
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Hi Hops
I just read what happened.
Sometimes the universe really conspires to get us out of rotten situations. Pressing the button and sending the equivalent of the A Bomb to your toxic boss was so amazing and freeing. I bet it feels very scarey and like a drop from a tall building. I am praying for you and hope to help you see that it just had to happen.
It is so great that you told your truth. Thank you for your courage and your story.
You mention not being perfect physically and feeling old and tired. It is a wonder you aren't completely burnt out from your job. You need time to heal and restore your spirit after the long haul in your workplace. Whatever happens you will be ok. There are resources out there and here that you can't even imagine. Something is shifting for you and in you. How wonderful.
All that said, I am sending you blessings dear Hops and I want to reassure you that you deserve the very best.
Kind Regards and standing by,
Sea
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Bless you, kind Sea. I hope you're right and deep down, need to take the leap of faith that you are.
I'll just tell myself it's so.
Thank you for the comforting and reassuring thoughts, they mean a lot to me.
Lots of love,
Hops
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I've been away for I don't know how long (feeling the impotence of ghosts of voicelessness revisit me). I checked in to learn what you are going through. Makes me heartsick. You have been through so much. Of course I wish anyone could wave a magic wand to set you in a marvellous work situation.
The one satisfying bit was at the end of the meeting. I asked, may I speak? (And since CEO was there, Nboss couldn't very well pretend I had no right to). And for about 10-15 minutes, I calmly told him everything I'd observed about him over the years, detailing his cruelty and manipulation. I said it was true I had some resentment, based on X incident and X devaluing and X belittlement and X sexism and X bullying, etc. And ended by saying how clear it was that any confident, assertive woman with education, broad experience and skills was an enormous, uppity threat to the way he sees the world. I ended by saying I've had many bosses, good and bad, in my long career, and that he is the single most toxic person I have ever worked for. [\quote]
I remember when you first started working there. He was such an N even from the beginning. I can hardly believe it has been 9 years. I don't imagine it has ever been easy and heavens knows you deserve to be appreciated and celebrated for your ability and your gifts. You deserve that. I believe you will find your place in employment. An organization would be lucky. But the stress of going through the search is difficult and I hope that you can find ways to protect your psyche during this time.
I am thinking of you, sending strength and courage. - GS
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Oh (((((((((((GS))))))))))))),
Thank you so very much.
And how good to hear your voice.
Over on my Job Hunt thread you can read the blow-by-blow...you're right, it was rough. As long as I get economically secure somehow...I'll be SO glad forever to be away from Nboss. Permanently. There's still hope!
And how are YOU? Please, really, do, start up a new thread and fill us in.
With love,
Hops
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I really enjoyed re-reading this topic this morning. It made SO clear to me why I am lucky I got myself fired. Subconscious rules!
Came up in my mind because I am about to get my distribution of employee-ownership "shares" -- which Nboss touted nonstop as evidence of his determination to make his employees secure, etc. All while he paid as little as he could get away with to warehouse workers and support staff, and while doing his delicious mental Nabuse.
Art Director (my good pal, the young man I shared an office with and still see--he's invited me to his wedding and comes over for a beer now and then) moved on a couple years ago. I wrote him an incredible letter of recommendation and he got a new position with better pay at an interesting company that values and respects him. CEO young man I thought was a friend was cowed by my departure and never picked up on future friendship, has since divorced and was seen drinking in his car in the parking lot. Nearly everyone else, sadly, got laid off during the pandemic.
My shares are worth 50% of what they were when I left, but it's still a small but nice boost to my emergency fund. They could legally delay paying me out for five years and did. Others, who had worked there for fewer years, got virtually nothing.
The other reason it popped up was an article about narcissistic bosses in the Post.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2020/12/30/after-suffering-abuse-two-narcissistic-bosses-im-leery-working-others/ (https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2020/12/30/after-suffering-abuse-two-narcissistic-bosses-im-leery-working-others/)
I think you do have to get an online subscription to read the Comments, but I enjoy them a lot (unless it's pure politics, which is endless sniping).
On a friend's recommendation I just subscribed (free) to Heather Cox Richardson's Letters from an American newsletter, which is like a drink of clear, cool water.
hugs,
Hops
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I bet it was satisfying to read this thread, Hops.
I'm so happy about your friend getting a better job!! You're a a good friend, Hops.
Lighter
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Thanks, Lighter....he's been a sweet friend to me, too.
For several years after we were no longer working together, he'd turn up on my porch with balloons and beer for my birthday. I was so touched by that, and we have a lot of fun talking, too.
And it really did feel good to read through all that again -- sometimes I only know how far I've come when I re-read journals (or here, which is the same) years later.
hugs
Hops
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I think we've all come light-years from where we were Hops. Makes me wonder about the people we haven't heard from lately - like Gaining Strength, Sea Storm, etc. I hope they're well and safe and content.
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I hope so, too, Amber.
Miss them all.
But maybe we remnants are too attached to give
up this place! I know I am, gladly so.
Happy hugs,
Hops