Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Meh on September 08, 2015, 09:52:25 PM
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I feel like I hijacked the Anything thread. I just want a place to deposit randomness. So i thought perhaps I would make my own anything Idk
Today is my Friday :) It feels kinda bad because after working everyday of a Holiday weekend I have a lot of undone work left over that is pending. I prefer feeling like its all finished before I go.
Watching Sleepy Hollow with Johnny Depp
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Caught my co-worker pawning her work off on me for no reason today, red handed, replied to her and CC my manager in on it. She took her work back. She sent it to me saying there was nothing she could do, however due to her prior notes it was clear she WAS the person who needs to do it and THERE IS something she could do. :lol: She slipped up and I caught her. Since it was in writing/email it was totally not debatable.
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Watching recorded comedy shows with female comedians. My mother texted me 30 mins ago to tell me that my ancient grandmother has fallen again and fractured her spine in multiple locations. Sort of surprised that she is even walking unsupervised but I didn't ask that question as I am trying to stop myself from asking dumb questions. Also I asked myself if I care and I decided that I don't care. I thought about asking my mother how she is going to feel when my grandmother is dead. I have no idea why I would even ask that question, I think it might be my feeble way of of trying to torment her which is probably pointless. Then I thought about if I would go to the funeral, the upside is that my father would not be there. The first think I thing about is "how awkward might this be". Shrug.
I hate seeing my Aunt's family post all their family photos on face book. I want to de-friend them on facebook. I dont even Fing use facebook really. I think I may have figured out how to hide my profile from everybody which is the next closest thing to closing the account. The only reason I even had a facebook account was to spy on some guy that I went on a road trip with many years ago. And then recently it was just a way to keep in touch with my nephews which I have found is just Fing pointless and dumb.
:)
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Spent my entire weekend over indulging on a tv series via Netflix.
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Had a panic attack at work today and left early :( I think this is the second or third time I have left work early due to having a panic attack. I just tell them that I am not feeling well but I don't really want to explain it to them what is going on because I am afraid they will think I am crazy and there are about 8 supervisors there only one of them would I really feel okay telling her the why/how of it. I feel so out of control and irrational when I have panic attacks. Its probably been about 3 or 4 months since the last time this happened. I get all cringey and stressed out thinking about how to explain it. Maybe I need to just be more like "let go and let god" about it. I take medications for asthma and allergies which seem to make the feeling worse as the asthma medication is a stimulant and the allergy pills seem to exaggerate that dry can't swallow cotton mouth sensation. It usually starts out I am feeling like I am having asthma and/or allergies and then it snowballs and then I am stuck at work and feel uncomfortable trying to talk to customers while it is happening.
I'm not sure how to politely tell my co-workers that need to know the reason which is only like 1-2 people though there are often about 5 people that the info circulates through plus whoever is standing by that overhears everything in the office because nothing is private nor confidential in this office. See I feel rather embarrassed. Shrug.
I very well can't tell my manager that occasionally I simply feel like I am going to choke to death. It sounds quite odd.
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http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2013/11/04/242945454/childhood-maltreatment-can-leave-scars-in-the-brain
I think I already sort of know this by now.
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Its a song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5tr_L31StI
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Was trying to find a friend of mine from high school via Facebook. I think she reverted her last name to her mother's maiden name which I don't remember what it was. What I found though was her father's obituary from January of this year.
Sort of thinking how strange it is that as an older person I have a harder time meeting and making new friends, and the kind of more close friends that I had in school. I guess life is meant to evolve and change. Sort of wondering if one of my uncles is dead and how and where he died. Families are so broken off. I wish I felt like I had more family or something.
I feel sort of old. And I sort of still feel like I did when I was 15 years old, like mentally. is that normal, to feel like you really haven't changed much in some ways. just thinking out loud.
I've kind of turned into a highly critical person. Sort of complainy like I complain more than other people or something idk
sleepy
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Today is my Friday. I just get through the week so that I can look forward to two days of feasting lazily on netflix and back to back TV episodes amounting to watching a whole season's worth. Marathon "TV" watching on my laptop. Its escapism. In my mind its LOW RISK but that is kind of a lie, there is totally a risk. Like the risk of not Fing living, not doing a dang thing.
Okay I got to go. I need to go to work. and I need to write some sh*t out. yep
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Loading up on black tea and then coffee. I slept past 2:00 PM today. !!!! Maybe I just really needed the sleep, I have been feeling tired recently. This sort of seems like too much sleep but whatever
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Oversleeping is a classic symptom of depression...have you considered some therapy and/or meds maybe?
Though had I your call-center job I'd be asleep every spare minute, to not face the waking horror of it.
ART
ART
ART
ART
and gardening...never ever ever stop.
love to youk,
Hops
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had another "panic" attack or "panic episode" or otherwise known as a strange anxiety episode during a team meeting in which I meant to just get up and go out for some fresh air but the group took me standing up and leaving to be the end even though the supervisor hadn't signaled the end of the meeting and now that I am writing this I think maybe I should say something to him about it.
I never just walk out on meetings for no reason.
With my anxiety attacks I feel like I am going to choke to death and my hands start to tingle and I feel light headed like I am going to pass out :(
I think its really coming from my asthma and allergies that are triggering my anxiety and then my asthma meds are also anxiety inducing.
It tends to happen in clusters, it will happen for a while and then go away.
I think I am going to tell him I was feeling dizzy and was going to step out and didn't mean to be rude or the first person to leave the room.
My lower right lip has a new tic I think, like I feel half of my lip muscle tensing up, its so weird as if doing the weird blinking shit with my eyes isn't embarrassing enough
I'm practically down right creepy
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@ Hops,
Well I used to take anti-depressant meds when I first came to this board I was just coming off of them and haven't been on them since.
I think I rather try some other stuff first, know what I mean. But yeah, I've been loving my escapism as of recent.
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Perhaps I should get my thyroid checked as these are some of the symptoms I just read:
I have been getting heart palpitations. I went to see the doctor over a year ago and due to having like a calcium level issue they wanted to test my thyroid but I said no due to I figured it was my coffee drinking causing the skewed tests. Sigh
anxiety
heart palpitations
depression
fatigue
difficulty losing weight
memory loss
fuzzy thinking
poor memory and poor concentration.
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More panic attacks I think. Just had another one or something idk. nothing else to say atm
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I called in sick. I felt slightly guilty but I am harboring anger towards my employer LOL. Since they didn't acknowledge my request for time off a when I request few weeks ago, and since I had just worked an 8 day in a row work week. Today I decided I will take a day off call it mental health day or whatever.
So I just cooked bacon and eggs and having it with coffee right now. It feels like Christmas morning. :) Nice and cozy and at the moment none of my roommates are home.
So more or less today I am saying to my employer: Phuck this Monday. You do Monday suckers.
I'm okay with working, I never hated the idea of work as a concept, it's only that this employer doesn't really respect employees at all. Since I've worked there I have worked on most holidays, worked on Thanksgiving day, also the day before and after Christmas, Labor day etc.
I feel like I have lost myself sometimes. I miss reading books and writing. I spend too much time on the internet. At work in front of computer all day long then I go home and turn it back on.
I'm thinking about locating my resume. It's saved somewhere electronically on my computer. I'm thinking about updating it.
I want to step back and think about the big picture instead of being like a plastic person stuck in a snow globe.
There is a chance I have some depression and motivation issues. Who knows. It's just that I used to get excited about stuff, like making things. Traveling. I had a concept that there was "fun" stuff to do. Now it's like I just think about morbid things. I was listening to a talk radio show yesterday it was about financial investing and planning for old age, see this sort of thing terrifies me. I would rather not think about it. There are some things in my life I would just rather not deal with at all. I feel like I don't even have a chance. I don't think it's anhedonia.
Am contemplating how much time I spend really just sort of racing through my days. I wish I could do more. I don't have a career, it's just a dumb job and even this still feels like I have a pitch fork under my rear end all week. I miss writing and peace and contemplation.
Anyways I am going to take a break from writing this for a few mins.
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Calling in sick made me feel a little more rested today. Something happens where my whole life begins to feel controlled by a stop watch and I just can't relax. I feel better when I grasp that feeling of relaxedness. That maybe not a word. I am going to say that RELAXEDNESS is a certain state of being that feels good. I think it's possible to maintain some amount of this and simultaneously get on with life. It's the opposite of feeling like a beheaded chicken.
(http://imgc-cn.artprintimages.com/images/P-473-488-90/60/6058/SUHD100Z/posters/tom-cheney-headless-pan-handler-is-thrown-a-head-from-busiessman-new-yorker-cartoon.jpg)
Sometimes I feel a certain amount of stress because I don't know how to appropriately and politely express myself at work. I feel like they don't want us to speak up, of course they don't! The converse side of it is I am not happy if I don't have any input into the job that I do. So I guess this is where I am finding myself at.
Today I did go to work. I didn't call in sick. As expected my stuff was piled up on a new desk in disarray. The desk was filthy because nobody ever cleans them. I taped my name to my keyboard and mouse but they didn't get moved with me. The lighting is different and I am surrounded by more people in a busier part of the office so it heightens that sense of ADHD. I even got a headache today, I am not sure if it was the florescent lights that I have to look towards to face my computer screen. I will find out.
I work more and better when my stuff is in order, when it's clean, when it's mine.
People asked me how I was today and I told every single one of them I was unhappy literally. I'm not happy here. I feel like nobody listens or cares therefore I just repeat it to everybody who asks me.
I found out that they were expecting me to train 3 people today (I already trained 2 people last week). One of the leads (people under supervisors) came over to my desk and started rummaging underneath my personal belongings looking for the devices/cords they need for training. I was already unhappy but this also felt like a violation of my personal space. I feel like I should be allowed to have some personal space at work. I don't rummage around in other people's stuff.
Some of the new hires ask me questions that they shouldn't, ask about raises and their schedules. Things I have nothing to do with. And they are asking me all these questions while I am trying to get my work done.
I snapped at her I said: "It's not under there" in a pissy voice. I guess this was enough to make her decide it would be better if a new-hire isn't exposed to an unhappy employee.
They said they didn't have very many people available to train the new hires. I think she sat with the person herself and I think she complained to the director of the department about me because I saw her speaking with the director and then the director looking over at me with a ugly face. The thing is I am not a robot, I am a human being and I have feelings. I am not a machine.
From my perspective I'm not getting paid a lot. They just dumped my stuff on a dirty desk and then disrespectfully started going through it like I don't matter at all. I still haven't gotten set up where I am and they want me to train 3 people who are probably a "threat" to my job.
The company is promoting this whole CUSTOMER CARE thing. They changed the name instead of it being CUSTOMER SERVICE. They haven't really changed any of our tools though. They haven't done anything to make our jobs faster and considering that customers are always impatient one would think they could at least do an assessment of this.
It irks me this customer care junk. I guess it bothers me because they expect too much for what the job actually is, it's just a dumb call center.
I'm not a warm person, I don't have it in me. I don't care about very many people. Maybe only my nephews for some reason.
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I hate to say this, Boat...but you might possibly be risking sabotaging your emmployment.
NOT because anything you feel is inappropriate -- but because your understandable resentment is leaking out.
You're resisting, and in my experience, management always senses that.
There really is no privacy or space ownership in the workplace, and your workplace sounds chaotic.
I don't know if you want to keep the job (couldn't blame you if you didn't) but before you go all Norma Rae
you want to be sure you have an exit plan.
Getting fired would be worse than resigning in your own time with something else to go to.
I don't know how hard it would be, but to avoid triggering anyone there who's vindictive, it might even
be worth emailing the person you snapped at (with a CC to the director who gave you a look) some short short
thing about, "Just want to say I'm sorry I was impatient the other day, I'm still not feeling quite right from being sick. I know we're
all stressed right now."
But I wouldn't make it longer than that or open the door to more because, in honestly, no matter
what is (or would be) fair, or reasonable, or the right way to treat people, or respectful, or appreciative.......
It's
not
going
to
happen
there.
:(
Hops
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I hear you Hops. You are right, I know that you are.
For me though I do feel like I have a say in my own life all the time. The feeling that I am being force-fed something makes me uncomfortable and even angry. My employer doesn't own me. I think employees can still attempt to make choices at work. The fact that they were able to work out the situation without dumping it all on me was proof that they don't have to be like that. I don't want to be miserable at my job. The president of the company doesn't have people rifling through her stuff. I really do feel like a low class citizen as an employee and that really doesn't make sense. They are just paying me to help customers. They are not paying me to help keep their business staffed. It's also not a sadomasochistic dungeon
I dislike the idea and feeling that I have no control over how my day is going to be 40 hours a week. That is like 25% of my life. I think I deserve to feel good during that 25%. There is no reason not to.
There is also no reason for me to help other employees become better.
Not to mention this job is only keeping me afloat it's not like I am ever going to retire. I have no retirement savings and I'm just getting older.
Anyways it's not important stuff it's just that all these things eat away at me and I guess I like to type it out, give it a voice.
I wish I had a place. A nice place that was mine and I don't have such a thing anywhere. It's exhausting in someways. Where can I relax.
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Find myself watching TV shows on laptop one episode after the next episode on my days off of work. I really like watching TV. It's sort of like reading a book. I enjoy it.
Also I feel guilty and wonder if I am depressed, not being an adult, wasting away. Not facing reality.
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I totally understand your musings.
I've been using two mini-mantras this week:
1) Calm down.
2) Do what adults do.
It's absurd but with my ADD and my overall feelings about my job (this pleasant week excepted)
....I have to coach myself on how to get through the days sometimes.
One of my friend-colleagues has an even better mantra for me. Made me laugh but I realize
that unfortunately he's absolutely right. Ready? Here goes...
3) Care less.
We live in a ridiculous world.
I like TV too.
Fight depression in small ways every day. That's good enough.
This too shall pass.
Running out of clichés but not supportive thoughts...
Hops
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Thanks for reading TT and Hops.
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I have watched every episode on iZombie that I could get from Netflixs and hulu
Same with The Flash
Also there was a TV series about a blond female werewolf I can't even remember what it was called. Bitten
Also long time ago I binged on Merlin
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Different subject. Where I work we have a very large customer service department all on the same floor of the building. NONE of the managers higher up EVER acknowledge that customers are rude to US. NEVER ever. It's so exhausting. I wish they would occasionally say "We KNOW that customer's are rude and ridiculous".
Today I had a lower-down supervisor tell me that a customer threatened to sue him if he didn't send out additional products free of charge. The customer said she expected a set of items. She scrolled deep down into the random product stuff that I don't even look at and it was "tagged" it had an internet metadata tag with four related items. She interpreted this to mean she was getting a set of four things. She actually told this supervisor that she was going to have something rammed up his ass. He is one of the nicer and better supervisor's there in my opinion. My job is on my mind right now I guess. They are doing a lot of annoying things where I work.
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I had an annual performance review on Wednesday by one of my supervisors who I have seen wear his pajamas to work and plays fantasy football at work constantly. On a few things he rated me below average. I'm kind of just festering about it waiting to see if they offer me a raise or not.
I had a different kind of quality review where they randomly listen in on what we are doing unbeknownst to us (this was yet a different supervisor) I thought I was rated highly in fact they said I scored higher than most everybody else in the call center. The pay raises are not based on those quality reviews though. The thing that gets me is that it's all like a bogus game. I guess I am kind of wondering if I should complain about my annual review because it's not based on any quantifiable data. shrug I don't think I should really fuss with it
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I still got a raise but the whole experience wasn't very satisfying, my dumb manager even said I didn't look happy. I'm sick of him.
Watching back-to-back episodes of Gotham series on netflix
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I may have made the biggest screw up yet at my job. Today I found out about an order that went up to the president of the company. It was a $4,000.00 purchase that I unknowingly helped a fraudulent customer place. The fraud customer had to give me his billing address, his shipment address and the credit card details and it even went through another person in our billing department who did a second level check on the billing information and it made it through that person also. It turns out the "customer" was using somebody else's credit card information.
It feels horrifying that I screwed up but all that was preexisting on the customer account was a customer ID number nothing is pulled over automatically as far as identifiers go so I figured if he gave me a set of data that was confirmed by running it through the credit card security system that is all I can really do is ask him to give me everything needed to place the order and he did give me all the right info. I thought the order was a little strange but there are quite a few strange scenarios that come up.
Its quite common for one account to have multiple names on the orders due to we have a lot of businesses order from us. There are also situations where people have their builder's name or interior designer on the account. I did think this was a weird one and I questioned it in my mind but since I made the guy give me every single bit of information I really had figured it would get rejected if it turned out to be fraud. This particular circumstance the ONLY reason why the situation was caught was the fraudulent person added a personalized service AFTER he already ordered it causing a delay and also causing re-authorization. We may have lost $400.00 on the order in shipment fees. IDK
It's plain old embarrassing.
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It sounds to me like you did a pretty conscientious job, Boat.
Don't beat up on yourself about it...it could've happened to anyone.
And if it were going to be blamed on you, you would've heard THAT!
I have the feeling they know it's not your fault and they got stung
by a skilled fraudster.
In my company we sell things that cost that much and things do
happen. Remember--the company can absorb the mistake...it's
called Cost of Doing Business.
Glad you got a raise and clearly from your attitude toward your
responsibilities, you deserve one!
hugs
Hops
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Hi Hops.
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Last night I went to sleep early and ended up sleeping in late. I think I slept for 14 hours. Lots of my co-workers are sick. I haven't been feeling fantastic myself. Now I am laying around rather lazy. The oven is broken now due to it's so old and I don't want to be the one to report that the dumb thing needs to be replaced. It probably will not get replaced anyhow.
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I called in sick today but I'm really not. I figure we never get Holidays off of work so shrug who cares.
Ended up sleeping for another additional six hours. I might go out to shop now after I have a cup of tea.
I found out that our commission rates for the holidays is lower than it was in the last two years. I'm not very excited anymore. The Holiday bonus has been kind of fun in the past now it's really not.
Been binge watching millionaire matchmaker.
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I'm angry and unhappy. Am heating up some chestnuts on the stove top. Trying to get my energy up to cook something. My "desk" was moved again so now I sit literally right next so someone that farts and belches frequently at his desk. He is a new employee. He had the stupidity to ask me in assisting him with doing his work while he is gone. I wanted to yell at him.. instead I tried to give him a "flip you" face. I told him that his work would go to the bottom of my list of follow up work and that there was a very good chance it wouldn't get done. AND to go give it to his boss.
Yum I could eat a whole plate of chestnuts for my evening meal. I am so De-motivated that I might. They are much like potatoes really.
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Ahhh, the flip-you face.
Any resemblance to this?
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/02/fashion/im-not-mad-thats-just-my-resting-b-face.html
Nboss pressures us to smile and be perky.
We've all learned to force-beam at him when he appears at our desks to personally hand us our paychecks.
He does this every two weeks and intensely stares until he gets warm eye contact and expressions of gratitude.
He doesn't go away happy until he's gotten that "moment." It's soooooooooooo creepy and we've all figured it out.
I often wonder why it never occurs to him to say to an employee, Thank YOU. Before he goes home to his huge paid for house... But he is Nboss. Gratitude for US does not occur to him. It's a one-way Nsupply setup.
But I'm a cynic about work these days. Just accepting it's what I have to do that allows everything else.
My workmate has offered me a seriously helpful though ironic mantra: Care less.
It actually makes me more productive because it helps me put what I'm worked up about into instant perspective.
This job is not where the meaning in my life comes from. It's only the economic stability that allows me to write on my own, talk with a friend in the evening on a phone, have shelter, and buy food. Listen to music. Buy underwear.
(If I were a teacher or paid activist or full-time writer, then the work itself would be very meaningful, but instead I'm just like millions of others...working only to support my freedom and survival the rest of the time. Ain't perfect but for me right now, better than the alternative of being entirely desperate.)
Coworkers should not ask coworkers to do their work (unless it's part of team routine, which I'm sure it's not....)
My sympathies, Boat. Hope the chestnuts were yummy.
Hugs
Hops
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I blew up at work. Too many things that are just not feeling right. I finally sent a complaint knee jerk reaction email to the heads of the department I am sure it's not going to be good. They might even fire me but I'm sick of it. It was a combination of my co-worker saying racist crap and some other stuff and I am SICK OF IT.
Eating more chestnuts. It's a carb rich diet for me :roll:
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Hi Hops, OMG that is extreme weirdness Hops at least I have direct deposit. You know I think it's really unnatural to CARE LESS about work though because people put so much TIME into it and there are such high demands and critiques at work.. how can we not care?
If people have a lot of other stuff going on in their life I think some of the smaller things maybe become less of an issue. For real I've got very little meaning in my life. I wouldn't call my job meaningful but it gives me routine. My life is definitely out of balance.
I don't know why you read my en-going saga of whiny-ness. I would be sick of myself by now.
I think the reason why some of this comes up is because I am afraid that if I speak up I am going to be punished. Speaking up about stuff always causes more drama.
My resting biotch face has more disgust in it.
It's DARK here. I get home and it looks like late night already. It's confusing me as I am ready to do nothing as soon as I get home.
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Well, I'm interested because you work in a customer service center and that's hard work.
And all the other cubicle and corporate things...
And I worry when you get upset about work and don't have other connections/fulfilling things arranged for yourself.
Because of where you were in your life before this job.
And I worry that if you allow yourself to get angry about work too much and show it on the job you might indeed lose the job and then I will worry about you being homeless again.
So I want you to have a group or two you do positive, spirit-feeding things with outside of work.
I want you to do art (with others) and to garden (with others) so you no longer feel like a Martian.
Because you're not. You're smart, creative, and frustrated (the latter being a frequent result of the first two) and you need some organizing happiness sources, and peace.
I think it does all come more readily with time but economic straits make it all a lot harder. Other people can make everything harder but other people can also make everything more beautiful.
Hops
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Our power went off yesterday. So wheeeeeeeeeee I got to leave work early!!!! before pitch blackness and rush hour traffic combined turning into a nightmare.
So I ate chips and salsa by candle light and then I went to bed at 6:30 PM Yayyyyyyyyy!!!!!!! That sleep I have been wanting for such a long time.
Then I woke up around 1200 AM and couldn't go back to sleep. Booooooooooooo!!!!!!
Then I laid their and I guess I eventually went back to sleep. Woke up for work. Called in and the phone line was dead Yayyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!
Called my co-worker friend who drove to work and she said there was a sign on the door saying the business was closed today YAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!
Got a call after 12:00 PM today where my jerk manager was asking me to come in to work if it was convenient for me. BOOOOOOOOO
Stayed home. YAYYYYYYYY
Guilt of staying home BOOOOOOO
The thought that my employer might be sadly understaffed today. Bwaaaaa HAaaaaaa Haaaaaaaa :twisted:
Feeling that my employer just hates me no matter what I do BOOOOOOOOOO
Took a hot shower and listening to country music, cleaning out fridge, getting ready to go out for a walk. Mehhhhhhh
An extra emergency Holiday off from work (YAYYYYYY) from an employer that makes us work on Thanksgiving and all Holidays except for Christmas (Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooo). That is right we only get one Holiday off the whole year.
And my employer will probably withhold any kind of bonus from me because I didn't go into today AFTER the sign on the door said closed. Anyways. I guess I better get out now.
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Today I snapped at a new manager where I work.
She chastised me in public. Talked to me like I was 4 years old. She jumped on me telling me I was doing it wrong. She and another idiot supervisor had to go speak to the head of the department. The head of the department told them that YES I WAS DOING IT CORRECTLY.
Somehow I am still wrong. I really hate that at my age when I go to work I have parent-child relationships with my superiors. I guess in order for them to feel superior they have to interact with us as if we are children. Today I felt like I was being scolded by a parent. I Complained about it "confidentially".
There are just so many stupid things that go on there and they expect me to be some kind of feces licking lamb. Anyways. I just needed to get it out.
I always have felt that I am going to be fired there.
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Working overtime so the company I work for can make millions this season. Fell HARD on my bum this morning striding over black ice pavement that I didn't see. Was thinking about Christmas decorations. Now home drinking some wine + cheese. Watching netflix - Marvel comics inspired series. Feeling really lonely. Glad that I am home and not out and about late at night though I wish I had the day off and was out doing holiday cheer activities or whatever.
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Wish I had the time and energy &&& ALSO motivation to shop and do stereotypical holiday activities but I don't.
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Sleepy, drank wine, ate leftovers from earlier this weeeeeeek, AND the ceiling is starting to spin just slightly, the most busy time of the year in retail if not the most wonderful time of the year. Cyber Monday but I've been doing this for a while so it was all fine.
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I hate my manager at work. I hope he gets in a car accident and needs many months of bed rest. I can only wish that something would make him disappear only to be replaced by another in the long line of revolving door employees this company has.
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I feel voiceless at my job. There is no way to improve how I feel at my job. I feel powerless there. I just go for the money but I am unhappy there.
I hate it. I feel angry and resentful. We don't even know who to go to when we are unhappy and we all feel that we will be punished if we say anything.
I want to antagonize my manager and make his life as hard as possible because I was at least slightly more content before he came along.
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I really hope that before you leave this job,
you can find some way to seek out a different one to go to, Boat.
You have all my sympathy for feeling trapped in a toxic environment
for survival. I know the feeling and how horribly hard it can be to cope
with it.
The smallest steps you can take regularly to inch your way toward
a different alternative will be worth it...and keeping things there
intact enough that you'll be able to leave with a decent reference
from somebody (even if not the manager you're loathing) will help...
Hopes for you,
Hops
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Yah Hops you are right.
I'm tired of thinking about it. Bottom line is I am not happy but I am getting a paycheck.
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nothing much today, I am tired. I feel like I haven't learned anything new in a long time and I am in an old person's rut of being boring
trying to pace myself as I might be working the next 14 days in a row overtime = xmas
im tired of feeling pressure to do something or make something happen, why can't life just unfold, that is how kids live, in the moment, their lives just naturally occur, not everything is planned and manipulated and worried about to the smallest insignificant detail
I wish I was self employed. I would take a long vacation.
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:) I figured out how to get even with the jack ass manager where I work. It's to encourage pissed off customers to ask for a supervisor LOL Although he doesn't seem to care, he is probably a psychopath.
In theory it's "bad" of me to do so. But at the moment it was a little bit satisfying today, I think he realized I am not his ally in this job. :) It goes both ways. Weeeeeee
Also I got to complain about a similarly new manager who talks to us like we are naughty children. She was making something a hassle for me so I just complained to the director and the director told me I was doing it correctly... so the director is going to tell her she was wrong LOL YAY!!!!
Its all dumb though I wish ... well whatever.
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Tired and bored. I'm sick of Christmas lol. There is a mini fake tree I put on my desk at work. Customers are complaining, people are still trying to order christmas trees etc. I am tired of it. so so so tired of it. I miss my old self, the person that used to do things for myself.
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Lucked out got 5 days consecutively off of work. Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday, and I asked for about 8 random days off. They gave me monday. I found out at the last moment.
wish I had planned something, an escape out of the city, a strange hotel room or something. I'm here at "home". Having coffee and fudge and salami and watching movies
slept a lot or tried to despite my rooomates random tirades of FERK UP in a high pitched boy's voice (video games)
:) Its nice to have time off I just wish I was doing something special.
been thinking that I feel like I miss what it was like to be in school
I feel like im not learning anything, I miss being around other people in an education sort of endeavor
Watched the Vintage White Christmas but in technicolor
Watched Keith Richards Documentary
Now it's the Da Vinci Code, I read the book, I think I saw the movie when it first came out but it's been so long that I can rewatch it now
I had a very involved dream that I not exactly faked my death but I allowed someone to believe I was dead, I can't remember the details
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Whatever I do it has to be convenient and it has to fit into my everyday path.
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Its sort of cold and misty or foggy outside and really peaceful. Everybody is tired after Christmas I guess. Not many people out sort of a mellow vibe. Little bit ghost town like.
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Hi Boat,
You inspired me to add to my Only Things I Like About Christmas list:
1) people are nicer for a month
2) lights
3) sacred music, AND...
4) the Christmas "hush"
I love it when the streets are still and quiet (because most people are home, with families).
hugs
Hops