Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Twoapenny on November 13, 2015, 04:01:02 AM
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Things are shifting a lot for me at the moment; it's good but it hurts and sometimes it's really hard. The more I grow the more layers come off, the deeper the pain gets sometimes, but sometimes there is joy there as well and those moments are amazing. My son's health really seems to be improving at the moment; this is a really good thing but I always find as he goes through a good spell my own issues start to surface again so I have this funny dual life where I'm happy because he's doing better but feel moments of real pain and loss for other things, some to do with him, some to do with me. Fortunately he is sleeping pretty well at the minute so I am getting quiet time where I can just sit and think, or cry, or write, or dance around the kitchen, depending on how I feel.
I cried this morning because I miss my mum. Not my actual mum, the drunk, crazy lady who never stops complaining or lying or manipulating the people around her to do what she wants, but the mum I think I have wanted all my life, the one that just loves me and accepts me, picks me up in her arms and hugs me. I think there are emotional connections between parents and children - good or bad - that you pick up on without words or actions. For a long time now I have felt like my mum is stopping me from being happy; it's like she exerts a force field that stops other people getting to me and rescuing me from her. I felt it when I was younger and I was being abused; so many people could have noticed and stopped him, or even just been there for me to have some support but no-one ever did. And that feeling has never really gone away; I feel like I'm always invisible in a crowd of people who don't notice how much it hurts or even that I'm there. Grief, I suppose, for a life that never got lived and a hard one that had to be endured. I feel so lonely at the minute; I think there are times when you just need someone who can hold you and 'get' you without you needing to speak or explain yourself. I wonder how much of my life I have made harder for myself by putting up walls to keep people out and keep the pain away - necessary walls, but walls that held out good people as well as bad. I don't seem to attract new people into my life; I feel cut off and distanced from people. The thought of being intimate really scares me. Too vulnerable, too much possibility of pain, not enough possibility of it being anything else, perhaps?
I am trying to focus on good things, positive things, and they are there, there's no doubt about that. But sometimes they just highlight the pain and the loss even more strongly, I get a glimpse of what life could be like, could have been like and I feel so sad that it wasn't and it isn't. I am trying to do without my distractions and my fixing behaviour of always being busy, drinking coffee, eating more than I need to and so on and I am doing pretty well but obviously that means the pain comes up instead. Which I know is a good thing, it needs to come out. But sometimes I just wish I could get to a point where there wasn't any more to come out, where I didn't have to dig any deeper to try and figure out what was going on.
Anyway, just needed to spill. Lots of love xx
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What a huge amount of insight, (((((((((((Tupp)))))))))).
I'm really sorry for all the sorrow. I can so understand why you isolate.
I have a friend, almost 70, who's been alone in a country house for ages.
Recently she connected with a first-love...and they just spent the night holding each other.
Too tired and "rusty" to have sex (yet)--but they are so happy to have that comfort.
Her inner girl is still there and still feeling hope. His weary boy is getting excited about
taking her to football games. (Which she doesn't enjoy but will enjoy with him, she says.)
It's a sweet and hopeful thing to hear about.
I have another friend in her 60s who is obsessed with her hatred and hurt she feels
for her abusive, Nmother. She is struggling so hard to make breakthroughs and stop feeling
as though her psyche circles her mother all the time. Very much as you describe, she feels
actively hated by her mother and now it just struggling to understand why. (Her mother's
own damage from her own childhood, carrying down the generations.)
It is so sad to see the hurt inner children in women my age and yet such a relief to see
how one by one, they begin to have insights and find peace.
Another friend of mine has very severe clinical depression. I have nagged her for ages to
try an SAD light and now, finally, she has. I had to go over and help her set it up and get
the angle right and she was in that mix of horribly depressed and anxious at the same time.
I went there before work yesterday and got a call last evening and she was
nearly giddy with relief. Laughing, lightness in her voice. She'd sat there for an hour and
for the first time in many many weeks she could feel a change. Her depression lifted.
It sounded like a miracle to me. The light treatment is amazing. I wonder if it's dark-ish
where you live? She is in a townhouse (others on each side) so her place only has natural
light coming in at the front and back. The interior's fairly dark. Doesn't help depression,
especially in winter.
There's a whole lot of letting go to do, and healing. It sounds to me as though you're grieving
so honestly now. Not deflecting it. And recognizing the consequences of different choices you've
made and had to make.
There are POSITIVE consequences too, to having insights, and grieving freely, and making
other choices. Experiment and allow mistakes. Self-love, self-forgiveness, self-compassion.
I think your post shows a lot of that and this is very encouraging.
love to you
Hops
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Hi Hops,
Thanks for that. I love the story of your friend and her first love finding each other again and just enjoying that closeness. What a wonderful way to be, and to be able to really enjoy and appreciate it after all those years of living alone. I can identify very much! I hope your other friend works her way through it all, there's so much, isn't there? And I understand what you say about carrying it on through the generations. I know my mum was abused; I know how badly she's been treated by men, how much she's abused herself with alcohol over the years and I think in her own way her behaviour is how she pushes people away so that she controls the situation instead of having to deal with them abandoning her. I'm in contact with my younger sister again, after a ten year separation, and my mum is still behaving exactly as she always did, despite the fact that she's lost so many people now. I suppose if we find something that works - however destructive it is - we stick to it. Which is probably why I'm trying so hard now to get rid of my own self destructive behaviour, even though it's much less and much less obvious than it used to be. I do need to deal with my tendency toward passive aggressive behaviour, which is something I find very difficult to admit I engage in, but I know I do and I know I need to find ways to deal with things differently. I have got better at being more relaxed towards friends and accepting that they don't need to be perfect in order to be my friend. I am finding it harder to accept I don't need to be perfect in order to be my own friend :) Easier to work on other people than it is on ourselves. I do wonder sometimes if the anger and the pain and dealing with my whole family situation gave me something to anchor onto sometimes, and an excuse for not doing things at others. I want to work on that a bit more, deal with my procrastination, get on with enjoying life more easily. I still feel scared that if things get good someone will stop it again so I need to work on that. So many opportunities out there. I was reading about the bombings in Paris and I read your post about that as well and I thought to myself, do you know, the best way to make sense of this crazy world that we live in, that carries so much hate and hurt and anger, might just be to squeeze every last drop of joy and happiness out of life it it's at all possible that I can? I can't change the mindset of people who want to kill, or protect everyone from that, but I can work on changing myself. Making my life count, I suppose.
Anyway. Enough thinking for today. Time for a coffee and some cloud watching. Love to you. I hope your Parisian friends are all safe xx
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:)
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To me it is soooo impressive when someone who knows they engage in passive-aggressive
behavior owns that. And tries to change it.
Seriously. I think that is a wickedly subtle little pattern that shames us when we spot it in
ourselves so there's much more motivation to NOT see it, much less own it.
Respect!
hugs
Hops
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:)
Thanks, G :D x
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To me it is soooo impressive when someone who knows they engage in passive-aggressive
behavior owns that. And tries to change it.
Seriously. I think that is a wickedly subtle little pattern that shames us when we spot it in
ourselves so there's much more motivation to NOT see it, much less own it.
Respect!
hugs
Hops
Thanks, Hops. It is a pretty horrible thing to engage in and I do feel ashamed to admit that sometimes I do. That said, I also struggle to see the difference between passive aggressive behaviour and behaviour that is just passive, if that makes sense. There are times when I say nothing because I can't handle the fall out so I keep quiet but I silently seethe. I'm not sure if that's passive or passive aggressive? Sense would suggest it's better to be open and say "I'm annoyed about x because of y" but past experience has taught me this doesn't usually go well and I don't have many friends any more so I'm scared of losing the few I have. So yep, more thinking on my part. There are times when I don't do something because I just feel like I can't be bothered. Sometimes I think it's passive aggressive, sometimes I think I just can't be bothered :) I find it hard to know where the distinctions lie. I do feel I'm on the receiving end of passive aggressive behaviour sometimes but then I wonder if I read too much into situations and over think things. Like now :) Anyway, yes, will be paying more attention to self from now on and trying to get things a little bit more levelled out. Thank you xx
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I find Christmas so stressful that my tolerance levels just drop through the floor and I can't be bothered with other people and their nonsense. I start feeling like I'm being mugged off and taken advantage of. I so very badly don't want to become bitter and suspicious of everyone and to see bad in the things that people do but sometimes it seems that I'm being taken advantage of and I should be more vigilent and protect myself more. It's often little things and I don't know why I get so wound up about them sometimes. A friend came round yesterday, stayed too long - how do you politely ask someone to go home? I struggle with that. He brought his dog who's a lovely pooch, from a rescue centre and such a sweetheart (he always makes me think of your pooch, Hops). I'm happy to welcome other people's pets/children/elderly relatives or whoever they might have with them into my home and I don't keep it like a showhome so I'm not fussed about a bit of mess or destruction but by the time the tree had come over, the water had been knocked over the floor, a bowl broken and then both the dog and my friend howling (!) I had had enough. Lent some money to another friend who was too skint to fix his car which would have meant he couldn't get to work; the money isn't a problem, it wasn't a lot and it's from a savings account that I won't be using until next Spring so there is no rush to have it back and it genuinely wasn't an issue but each time I've seen him since he's telling me about the large sums he's been spending and I find myself wondering why he needed the loan? I don't know if I'm frightened of being used and so see it where it doesn't actually exist or if I'm just ashamed of being lonely and spending time with people rather than being by myself. Ramble, ramble, ramble, my head's everywhere at the moment, we had a lovely day yesterday and yesterday evening spoilt it. I wish I was a bit more resilient and a bit less sensitive to other people sometimes. I feel like I keep cutting myself off from the world because I can't cope with it.
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I dunno, Tupp:
I think it's healthy to prefer your own company at times.
I also think being very choosy, about who you spend your time with, is prudent.
About being assertive, and getting more of what you want out of relationships..... it's OK to tell people what your needs are, esp if you ask them what they feel they need too. Friends feed each other. They want everyone to get their needs met. That's what friends do.
If a friend has a problem with you getting what you need, then they probably aren't friend material, IMO.
I think it's problematic to talk about difficult things for those of us not used to feeling worthy, or those of us dealing with trauma bonded individuals who made us feel guilty, punished us, or harmed us if we expressed our true feelings, or needs.
By the time we bring it up we're emotionally overwrought, have trouble expressing ourselves in a calm matter of fact tone, and have no expectation our needs will be met likely..... when we're angry we tend to transfer aggression, not problem solve efficiently, IME. Being defensive isn't productive either.
If we address the little things proactively, without letting them build up and overwhelm us, we might skirt a lot of the trouble and turmoil, IME. Not always, but that's my take on it.
I'm sorry your night was ruined. Sometime you just gotta say.... "OK, I'm beat, I need some alone time, bye." It might sound bad. It might feel bad to say it. It might even hurt someone's feelings, but..... suffering when you don't have to isn't a good choice either, IMO.
((((Tupp))))
Hug your son for me,
Lighter
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I dunno, Tupp:
I think it's healthy to prefer your own company at times.
I also think being very choosy, about who you spend your time with, is prudent.
About being assertive, and getting more of what you want out of relationships..... it's OK to tell people what your needs are, esp if you ask them what they feel they need too. Friends feed each other. They want everyone to get their needs met. That's what friends do.
If a friend has a problem with you getting what you need, then they probably aren't friend material, IMO.
I think it's problematic to talk about difficult things for those of us not used to feeling worthy, or those of us dealing with trauma bonded individuals who made us feel guilty, punished us, or harmed us if we expressed our true feelings, or needs.
By the time we bring it up we're emotionally overwrought, have trouble expressing ourselves in a calm matter of fact tone, and have no expectation our needs will be met likely..... when we're angry we tend to transfer aggression, not problem solve efficiently, IME. Being defensive isn't productive either.
If we address the little things proactively, without letting them build up and overwhelm us, we might skirt a lot of the trouble and turmoil, IME. Not always, but that's my take on it.
I'm sorry your night was ruined. Sometime you just gotta say.... "OK, I'm beat, I need some alone time, bye." It might sound bad. It might feel bad to say it. It might even hurt someone's feelings, but..... suffering when you don't have to isn't a good choice either, IMO.
((((Tupp))))
Hug your son for me,
Lighter
Thanks, Lighter :)
I think sometimes it's just living alone, there's no-one to grumble to it about or even just roll your eyes whilst it's going on, there's a sort of need to decompress sometimes that isn't easy to do by yourself. Tiredness plays a part, I've realised that this week, my mood really dips if I haven't had a decent amount of sleep and I do tend to leap out of bed the minute I wake up ('leap' might be exaggerating a bit!) so I am making a real effort now to spend eight hours in my bed, even if I'm awake, just to try and get back into that habit of getting regular sleep and not constantly rushing around. Christmas is extra pressure anyway, we're in the baking (and eating!) phase now which I do enjoy so that's eased back a bit. It's all learning a little bit more isn't it, new boundaries, practise, fall back a bit, get a bit too comfy and make allowances, get annoyed, put boundaries back up. I think sometimes it's just standards as well, isn't it, I treat other people's homes nicely whatever sort of state of tidiness they may or may not be in so I just assume others will do the same and not everyone does. I do value alone time but sometimes it's just too much. I think it's been more than ten years now since I've been in a relationship or had a tight group of friends nearby and I'm starting to feel the effects, I think. Still hoping to move closer to friends, hopefully next year.
Hug gratefully received and sent back as well! Hope the Christmas preparation is going well xx
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Hey Tupp... I think I know what you're talking about.
Attachment issues, needing connection - feeling "safe" around someone; safe enough to express emotions without being the emotion... and the crazy expectations of the holidays is a really powerful mix. My new "relationship status" is giving me a whole look from another vantage point on all that again.
I've never really lived alone. I tried once - and well, it was just much better to accept Michael's invitations than to face and deal with myself at that time. I was a hot mess with a dose of menopause on top. And while it wasn't a perfect relationship, it was by far the best one I've had to date. I truly felt loved most of the time; I felt confident loving back... and now, I wonder if I'll ever be in that kind of relationship again. It was something really new to me, to experience that. True, I needed time away from him and we weren't ever able to sort that out in a way that worked. So I just caved and we went almost everywhere together -- and he complained when I'd send him the mile to the grocery store by himself; he missed me and it wasn't as much fun as me going with him. When he was sick, I felt I couldn't be gone for any length of time - each moment was important; even if I was just watching him sleep. So many times, it seemed that's all he wanted of me, too.
People try to apply their blueprints of needs/wants to what you and I "should" want & need - thinking, I dunno - that because it's what they've always done or enjoyed, that it's normal and would "be good for us". Maybe it would be; sometimes. I've mostly just learned how to gracefully, but firmly decline invitations. But I've also realized that it's not really good for me to isolate myself so much -- even though right now, my emotions are still a tad volatile, unexpectedly. (Our club posted pictures of Mike on FB and that set me off crying and on a pain jag for 2 days; and I was angry too... but ultimately, it felt good to let all that out; it was a good thing they did.)
I am getting out and taking care of business. I'm not exactly pursuing anything "fun" at the moment - and maybe I should. I've remembered that it's OK to ask other people about themselves, their lives and feelings... that this is how people DO have relationships, duh... but it's hard for me to go where we'd both go and I can't tell another single person that he's died right now. I had to write to our old neighbors, that we were good friends with. And a school office mate that lost his wife in March.
I can't tell when I'm asking too much of myself, sometimes. Sometimes a person can just plow through that, and it's no big deal; but if the self-care has slacked off -- and hey, being a vegetable in front of a good movie can be self-care, there's no absolute definition -- even things you'd normally enjoy can be wearing. We have to learn to be as understanding of ourselves, give ourselves as much slack -- as though we're the people (real or fictional) who truly do love us. And just be there to watch ourselves sleep and keep ourselves safe.
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Hey Tupp... I think I know what you're talking about.
Attachment issues, needing connection - feeling "safe" around someone; safe enough to express emotions without being the emotion... and the crazy expectations of the holidays is a really powerful mix. My new "relationship status" is giving me a whole look from another vantage point on all that again.
I've never really lived alone. I tried once - and well, it was just much better to accept Michael's invitations than to face and deal with myself at that time. I was a hot mess with a dose of menopause on top. And while it wasn't a perfect relationship, it was by far the best one I've had to date. I truly felt loved most of the time; I felt confident loving back... and now, I wonder if I'll ever be in that kind of relationship again. It was something really new to me, to experience that. True, I needed time away from him and we weren't ever able to sort that out in a way that worked. So I just caved and we went almost everywhere together -- and he complained when I'd send him the mile to the grocery store by himself; he missed me and it wasn't as much fun as me going with him. When he was sick, I felt I couldn't be gone for any length of time - each moment was important; even if I was just watching him sleep. So many times, it seemed that's all he wanted of me, too.
People try to apply their blueprints of needs/wants to what you and I "should" want & need - thinking, I dunno - that because it's what they've always done or enjoyed, that it's normal and would "be good for us". Maybe it would be; sometimes. I've mostly just learned how to gracefully, but firmly decline invitations. But I've also realized that it's not really good for me to isolate myself so much -- even though right now, my emotions are still a tad volatile, unexpectedly. (Our club posted pictures of Mike on FB and that set me off crying and on a pain jag for 2 days; and I was angry too... but ultimately, it felt good to let all that out; it was a good thing they did.)
I am getting out and taking care of business. I'm not exactly pursuing anything "fun" at the moment - and maybe I should. I've remembered that it's OK to ask other people about themselves, their lives and feelings... that this is how people DO have relationships, duh... but it's hard for me to go where we'd both go and I can't tell another single person that he's died right now. I had to write to our old neighbors, that we were good friends with. And a school office mate that lost his wife in March.
I can't tell when I'm asking too much of myself, sometimes. Sometimes a person can just plow through that, and it's no big deal; but if the self-care has slacked off -- and hey, being a vegetable in front of a good movie can be self-care, there's no absolute definition -- even things you'd normally enjoy can be wearing. We have to learn to be as understanding of ourselves, give ourselves as much slack -- as though we're the people (real or fictional) who truly do love us. And just be there to watch ourselves sleep and keep ourselves safe.
True and wise words, PR, and at a time of such difficulty for you, and today has been spent pottering around doing a bit of Christmas baking interspersed with catching up on a box set that's been sitting there for months without me getting a chance to get into it. I think part of my current problem is that I live in the area I grew up and the person I was twenty odd years ago isn't the person I am now so I just don't feel great with those old 'friends' any more. My attempts to make new ones haven't gone too well; I seem to live in an area with a lot of racists and people who just generally have views very different to mine so day to day chit chat is fine but I really crave those long, lengthy conversations that go deep, and then funny, through to sad, bit too much wine, back to funny again, with someone that I really trust and can be me with. I think that's a big thing, I often feel I can only be me when I'm on my own. I'm still overly concerned with how I come across to others and I've tried so hard to get over that as the years have gone by but it's still there and it catches me out from time to time. Really hoping we can move next year and that will help a lot, I feel, I still feel like I'm being watched constantly here.
Self care is different depending on what you need at the time, isn't it? I think sometimes an afternoon curled up with a film, a box of chocs and the cat is exactly what the doctor ordered. Love to you xx
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Funny how it seems we are on parallel paths with different people, at different times - and yet that deep need for connecting persists. I was just thinking, last night and this morning, that:
I've always known myself as one half of a relationship with a guy... within that context; and I wonder how much his personality and the actual relationship impacted who I was - the old chameleon effect was strong for a long, long time with me...
and to find a time when I was not in a relationship; and yet was still my "self" - old enough to be one, anyway - I'd have to go back to when I was 16. Post-Twiggy; not a mom yet; old enough to be responsible for myself... but nothing was engraved in neural path stone about how and who I was.
Now, I might be able find traces of that self - but time and experience do mold us, like wind & water on even granite. So it wouldn't authentic to try to be that "me" from 16 again. Probably wouldn't be real attractive either! LOL Going on 60, and trying to just be a whole person by myself - without having a space in me for a relationship; someone else as part of my life - for the first time... is kinda scary and refreshing and an adventure. I keep trying to use more positive connotation words for the same feeling (still)... excitement, anticipation... over anxiety and dread... LOL.
So it's like a good kind of identity crisis. Just like the one teenagers have. Hopefully without all the drama!! And hormones!! ;)
The one thing I'm trying to do, during this phase of "adjustment" is to listen for and be open and to observe what characteristics and adjectives come up about who I am now. It's a discovery; not trying to fit into anyone's pattern - no imposition of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" - and that requires solitude. Other people have their own ideas about who I am, what I should consider and do. I have to listen for the beat of that "other drummer" that only I can hear. My rhythm.
It's the only thing that keeps the restlessness, the OCDness, etc to a tolerable level. I feel like I'm bursting at the seams with energy, but it has no direction or purpose and it disperses itself and burns out... unless I throttle it down to a manageable level. Infinite choices gets me all amped up like that - an artist with an unlimited palette - but that way lies chaos and being at the mercy of life just "happening". This crazy stew of "me" needs more intention, discipline on some things... and more spontaneaity and carefree-ness on some others to find a balance that works now.
Any of that going on with you too?
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Funny how it seems we are on parallel paths with different people, at different times - and yet that deep need for connecting persists. I was just thinking, last night and this morning, that:
I've always known myself as one half of a relationship with a guy... within that context; and I wonder how much his personality and the actual relationship impacted who I was - the old chameleon effect was strong for a long, long time with me...
and to find a time when I was not in a relationship; and yet was still my "self" - old enough to be one, anyway - I'd have to go back to when I was 16. Post-Twiggy; not a mom yet; old enough to be responsible for myself... but nothing was engraved in neural path stone about how and who I was.
Now, I might be able find traces of that self - but time and experience do mold us, like wind & water on even granite. So it wouldn't authentic to try to be that "me" from 16 again. Probably wouldn't be real attractive either! LOL Going on 60, and trying to just be a whole person by myself - without having a space in me for a relationship; someone else as part of my life - for the first time... is kinda scary and refreshing and an adventure. I keep trying to use more positive connotation words for the same feeling (still)... excitement, anticipation... over anxiety and dread... LOL.
So it's like a good kind of identity crisis. Just like the one teenagers have. Hopefully without all the drama!! And hormones!! ;)
The one thing I'm trying to do, during this phase of "adjustment" is to listen for and be open and to observe what characteristics and adjectives come up about who I am now. It's a discovery; not trying to fit into anyone's pattern - no imposition of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" - and that requires solitude. Other people have their own ideas about who I am, what I should consider and do. I have to listen for the beat of that "other drummer" that only I can hear. My rhythm.
It's the only thing that keeps the restlessness, the OCDness, etc to a tolerable level. I feel like I'm bursting at the seams with energy, but it has no direction or purpose and it disperses itself and burns out... unless I throttle it down to a manageable level. Infinite choices gets me all amped up like that - an artist with an unlimited palette - but that way lies chaos and being at the mercy of life just "happening". This crazy stew of "me" needs more intention, discipline on some things... and more spontaneaity and carefree-ness on some others to find a balance that works now.
Any of that going on with you too?
Lots of similarities, Skep, and I still struggle a lot with what I want to do (or who I feel I really am) and what I 'ought' to do, or what I do to avoid other people criticising or judging and those are the bits that I really want to get on top of. It's taken me years to figure out who I am as I was just a carbon copy of what my mum wanted, at least until my thirties. I remember reading a book about narcissistic parents and there was a section about reclaiming yourself. One of the exercises was to go through and list your favourite things, favourite food, favourite place to go, favourite colours and so on, and I couldn't answer a single question. I could have answered every single one about my mum but not a single thing about me. I didn't even know what kind of food I really liked to eat because I'd just been so disconnected from myself. So the last few years have been a real journey of self discovery and you do need to spend a lot of time alone so that, as you say, other people aren't influencing you and you can really dig deep and find out who you are, but it has been, and still is, incredibly lonely at times and I really do want to start connecting with other people now. I suppose the difference is I now want to spend time with people who have done a fair bit of soul searching themselves; I think you can sense it in people pretty quickly, how much they think, how much they ponder, whether they do things consciously or are just doing things out of habit. I'm finding that hard, and I think when you've been in a relationship for your whole adult life, as you describe, it's a real new experience! I love your way of describing it as an adventure :)
On a slightly more positive note I had a bit of a brain storm this morning. I've effectively binned the rest of Christmas. I've given gifts to people I love, the people I was making food gifts for are people that buy something for my son but never see him or spend time with him. I always feel guilty if I don't do something in return but I realised this morning that's ridiculous; I'd rather they didn't get him anything if they can't be bothered with him for the rest of the year so either they'll give him something despite the fact they don't get anything in return or they'll stop doing it altogether (which would be better!). So I'm doing no more now and the relief I felt was ridiculous! Good to make decisions :) xx
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Hope this isn't hijacky, Tupp--but your recent posts and dialogue with PR are moving to me.
It just made me think of something my T said recently. I was explaining that one reason for low mood was that I was depressed and having trouble finding motivation to do things that would take care of my life and moving it forward. (Financial planning, my own writing, etc.). Escaping nonstop into TV, etc.
[This was all pre-losing-job. Which has enlivened me like crazy. I feel excited again.]
Anyway, what my T said was that he believes I'm unaware that I have an unusually high tolerance for abuse. It was what I learned beneath the bullying from my brother and schoolmates without rescue, plus the hollowness of an Nmother who didn't see me and couldn't respond with affection. And then it was all repeated with my N/Sbrother and Nboss. So T says, I think you long ago accepted the idea that it was acceptable for you to be treated unacceptably.
That's been percolating in the back of my mind for a week and in some funny way, it restored my sense of being on my own side and caring about my own life. (As has the most recent exigency, but that's on another thread.)
love
Hops
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Hi Hops,
Not hijacky at all and I'm excited about you losing your job! I suspect not having to put up with that horrible man will be an amazing thing for you :)
And yes, I suspect your T is right about a high tolerance for abuse, I suspect as well it's tied in with a high tolerance for putting up with things and a low expectation of excitement, consideration, passion and any other nice thing!
Something has definitely shifted for me; I cancelled a night out tonight that I didn't want to go on, I've told someone I had said could come round on Christmas Day that he can't now and I've finally realised that when I feel anxious about being with people and I'm fretting about what to wear and what it will be like when I get there it's actually because I don't want to go. I keep thinking I need to work on my confidence but what I actually need to do is stop spending time with people who are critical and only focus on things they can pick holes in. I think with those troubled childhoods we've all had that we just don't have an expectation of life being a happy, exciting adventure. I've had so many years of just battling to get through another set of problems and digging up all sorts of things from the past that just having a good time and enjoying life isn't what I'm used to - and I suppose that's true for all of us.
Hopefully this is the start of all of us caring more about our own lives :) xx
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and I really do want to start connecting with other people now. I suppose the difference is I now want to spend time with people who have done a fair bit of soul searching themselves;
That's the key of course. One more, facet on that gem, is to understand that almost everyone has at one point or another, had to do some soul searching. Whether it was genuine or yielded results varies a lot! ;) I have just started to allow myself to not like other people - even if it's just based on an intuition - and what I discovered was that it was easier then, to connect to the people who are genuine, for me. Maybe it's a trust thing? If we appear to trust what our gut knows isn't completely true... we adopt a cynical outer shell with everyone?? Or something like that. I dunno; that's a hot off the presses idea, right now.
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Tupp:
What a relief to trust yourself, huh? To believe you have answers, and just accept you're the authority in your life you've been waiting for.
You have the answers...... you always have.
Lighter
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and I really do want to start connecting with other people now. I suppose the difference is I now want to spend time with people who have done a fair bit of soul searching themselves;
That's the key of course. One more, facet on that gem, is to understand that almost everyone has at one point or another, had to do some soul searching. Whether it was genuine or yielded results varies a lot! ;) I have just started to allow myself to not like other people - even if it's just based on an intuition - and what I discovered was that it was easier then, to connect to the people who are genuine, for me. Maybe it's a trust thing? If we appear to trust what our gut knows isn't completely true... we adopt a cynical outer shell with everyone?? Or something like that. I dunno; that's a hot off the presses idea, right now.
Skep, I wrote a really long reply to this the other night and just as I was about to post it we had a power cut and everything was lost! So trying to recap now (it's funny how you can never quite remember what you wrote the first time!) but essentially, yes, I am starting to see that I have generally categorised people as either good or bad. I'm starting to realise that's nonsense; there are people, I have realised, that I have in my life because I'm grateful to them for doing me favours, either now or at some point in the past, but if I'm honest I don't enjoy spending time with them and that's the bit I've struggled with a lot. I've always felt if someone is being 'nice' to me then I 'have' to like them and I'm wondering if that's what makes me so critical of some people sometimes; it's actually that I just don't enjoy spending time with them but because I don't feel I can just not like them - as you describe - I have to find fault and have reasons not to spend time with them. When actually it would be easier for me to at least be honest with myself and accept that I just don't like them and that's alright. The other side of that, of course, is that I need to accept when other people just don't like me for no particular reason and I find that hard too! But I think once you notice these things you can start to apply them and practise and try different ways of doing things.
Something else I've realised is that I'm very bored in my life and, as a result of that, I'm often spending time with other people who also have very boring lives, because they're the only ones around (everyone else is off having fun). So my main aim for this year is to change that. I'm very restricted by my son's disability; I can only do as much as he can manage, which isn't a lot some of the time. But we have just, after many years of saving, bought a very old campervan that I am going to do up. I'm hoping that having a home from home will make it easier for him to manage outside of the house, and easier for me because I won't have to load and unload the car every day; I can just set up the van and leave things in it (ie, food, educational stuff for him, toys to keep him amused and so on). I'm hoping we can travel more now that we have that, and I'm hoping I can write about our experiences, for my own sake initially but maybe with a view to publishing in the future. So hopefully if we're able to do that I will start meeting more people I can connect with and who are looking for life rather than watching it pass by (which is how I feel I've been for such a long time now). Onwards and upwards :) xx
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Tupp:
What a relief to trust yourself, huh? To believe you have answers, and just accept you're the authority in your life you've been waiting for.
You have the answers...... you always have.
Lighter
Lighter, I think you're absolutely right, we do all have the answers, but I think the societies we live in have expectations of us that sometimes clash with what we feel is right? And then add toxic families/bosses/neighbours and all the other things that come along and it's a bit like fire fighting rather than soul searching, I think. So it's taking me a long time to get to a point where I can realise that yes, I can do this, yes, I do know what feels right, it's tough, isn't it? Particularly if what feels right isn't what everyone else thinks you should do :)
I've been meditating a lot recently and it's something I enjoy, but also find very hard to do, simply because I find switching off my constant 'am I about to be attacked' mode - which you need to to be mindful of anything - very difficult. I've been going to a group once a week and that's a lot easier. Someone leads the group so I feel that I have someone watching over me whilst I switch off; that feels safe. Not being on my guard and constantly thinking about every possible thing that might happen makes me feel very frightened so I think I really need to focus on working on that now. Those answers are in there but they're still buried by 'stuff' and I need to shift it. I also think I need to start being more confident in my son's abilities to look after himself, work on himself and build his own experiences. Also difficult, because my primary fear as he's been growing up is that he'd be abused the same way I was and I always wanted to protect him from that. But he's just past the age now that I was when things got really bad and that's made me realise that I've done it; his primary formative years are gone and they were, for the most part, safe, happy, settled and very focused on him. So I need to pat myself on the back with that one and start recognising that I've put in the ground work and now it's time to start stepping back and watching him fly. Perhaps this year is the year that we'll both start to fly? :) xx
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Realised earlier today that one of my habits - which I now really want to change - is that I do things so that other people can't say something negative about me. For example - there is a person who I used to think of as my best friend. About five/six years ago now, she stopped returning my calls. She has continued to send birthday and Christmas cards, always saying how sorry she is that she hasn't called and that we must get together. I then ring again, she doesn't get back to me and so it has carried on. On receiving this year's card, which has another request in it for me to call her and arrange a date, I realised that my urge to call her isn't because I want to see her, it's because I don't want to be the one who didn't phone. And I realised I do that a lot, in a lot of situations. I think I just don't want to be the person that anyone can say anything 'bad' about. So I think I need to toughen up a bit and knock that particular habit on the head.
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Hi Tupp,
Kudos on your campervan! Is is instead of moving or ahead of moving?
I so understand the allure.
It was a revelation to me, also, that not everybody has to like me.
I also suffer buckets when I realize I don't like someone.
Especially someone I used to think I liked.
Hmmmm,
Hops
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Hi Tupp,
Kudos on your campervan! Is is instead of moving or ahead of moving?
I so understand the allure.
It was a revelation to me, also, that not everybody has to like me.
I also suffer buckets when I realize I don't like someone.
Especially someone I used to think I liked.
Hmmmm,
Hops
Hi Hops!
The campervan is ahead of, and as well as moving. My whole life, all I ever really wanted to do was travel. For all sorts of different reason, it never really happened. I went off a few times but there was always some sort of disaster and I always ended up rolling back home with my tail between my legs. Then I had my son and of course everything that's happened since then it just hasn't been possible. It still wouldn't be possible in a backpacking kind of way, but a campervan, set up like a home from home for him, might work. So that's the plan, to start with day trips, extend to time away, I'm hoping to be able to start working at festivals over the next couple of years and I'm finding time to write more; I'd love to write about our travels and the things that we do. And eventually I'm hoping we can go travelling further afield. But in amongst all of that I really want to spend a couple of years having some fun and being away from all the bad things that have happened, so I'm still hoping/planning on moving as soon as I can, back to an area I have some friends in that has a nice, laid back vibe and lots of cool little places to go for evenings out and meet interesting people. I feel different now. All my moves in the past have been about escaping and getting away from bad things. Now I feel like I've settled the bad bits and I'm aware enough of what's still there to deal with it as and when I need to. Now I want to move for me, to be around people I like, doing things I like. Finally feels alright to say "Me, me, me!".
Yes the not liking someone you used to like is an odd one. Some people I've simply outgrown and I don't feel so bad about that; I can see that I've changed and grown and that we just don't fit anymore. What I have realised a lot of the time is my tendency to want people to like me has made me not always say what I really think to someone and spend time with people I don't really want to spend time with. I think as well, certainly in the past, I didn't trust my own instincts at all, so if my first thought about someone was negative I assumed there was something wrong with me rather than with them and that hasn't always been the case. I also think I just followed the pack a lot and quite lazily slipped into friendships because they were easy rather than seeking out people that make me feel like singing :) I'm paying a lot more attention now to how I feel if I hear from someone; if I feel all skippy and want to hug them than they go on the keeper pile, if I feel flat and feel like seeing them is an effort than I'm trying to delegate them to the 'I used to like you but I'm not keen now' pile. It's funny because in romantic relationships you have a proper breaking up, usually, heartbreaking if you're on the receiving end but it's sort of assumed that's what happens if you don't want to see someone anymore, but we don't tend to have a similar, formal thing with friends? It's an odd one.
Sending encouragement by the bucketload for your forthcoming meeting. You'll do a grand job, Hopsie, you're one in a million :) xx
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Well, in my case - the Jekyll/Hyde mom relationship - always being the "nice" one and needing to be liked was like camoflauge and protection. I needed to protect myself being from the target/dumping ground for her frustration and anger; demeaning remarks, etc.
Like you, I also assumed (not always correctly) that if things didn't go well in a relationship it was my fault. That's one reason, I'm telling people to stay away in my new transition. I end up feeling responsible for helping them grieve; for cheering them up and sending them on their way... there are only a few people who understand that I'm not prostrate on a fainting couch from crying my eyes out 24/7; that it makes sense that I'm able to let go some anger at the sheer amount of "stuff" that he left behind. That I have to "FEEL" myself, single and whole, before I do much interacting with people "out there in the world". I'm trying to "feel" my way through all of this, outside of that "mirroring" situation and it's really important to me.
Sounds like you're figuring out something similar. The camper van is an excellent idea for outings!
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Well, in my case - the Jekyll/Hyde mom relationship - always being the "nice" one and needing to be liked was like camoflauge and protection. I needed to protect myself being from the target/dumping ground for her frustration and anger; demeaning remarks, etc.
Like you, I also assumed (not always correctly) that if things didn't go well in a relationship it was my fault. That's one reason, I'm telling people to stay away in my new transition. I end up feeling responsible for helping them grieve; for cheering them up and sending them on their way... there are only a few people who understand that I'm not prostrate on a fainting couch from crying my eyes out 24/7; that it makes sense that I'm able to let go some anger at the sheer amount of "stuff" that he left behind. That I have to "FEEL" myself, single and whole, before I do much interacting with people "out there in the world". I'm trying to "feel" my way through all of this, outside of that "mirroring" situation and it's really important to me.
Sounds like you're figuring out something similar. The camper van is an excellent idea for outings!
Yes, understand completely what you're saying, Skep, I never really developed a personality because everything went into keeping mum happy and stopping the rages from kicking off and I think that's what I've always been like; molding myself to other people, never really being a person in my own right. I think as well because my mum loved me being so compliant, not having any needs, not demanding anything and so on, so it's always really confused me - and I think made me angry as well - that when I did that for other people some just took advantage and didn't give me anything back (nothing real, anyway) and some people recoiled and didn't want to know. It's taken me a long time to work out that healthy, well balanced people don't enjoy being around people who don't have a personality of their own and just mould themselves to somebody else.
I do understand what you mean about telling people to stay away and feeling too responsible for them. Christmas has been awful, primarily because so few people have bothered to ring, despite knowing I'm on my own and can't get out much due to son's health at this time of year, but I know when I do finally speak to them my instinct will be not to make them feel bad by saying that no-one phoning is crap. And it is crap, ten minutes to pick the phone up and say hi isn't asking for a lot. So I think that will have to be my next resolution; to say it as it is and not worry about how that makes the other person feel.
Feeling your way through that situation is hard work, Skep, and absolutely the right way to go, I think. People do have certain notions about how someone 'ought' to be when they're grieving but of course everyone has to feel their own way through their own situation. A friend of mine lost her daughter and everyone thought she was fine afterwards - even to the point of being cold about it - because she redecorated the house, dug over the garden, took to washing the car every day and so on, but of course she was just working her way through that tsunami of grief that did eventually come. It always comes in the end but feeling your way towards it is the only thing any of us can do, I think. I'm glad you have some friends who get it and who know how things really are. Holding your hand here in cyberspace (or helping you shift some boxes, whichever works best :) ). xx
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Mega dittoes, Tupp.
PR, you owe nobody nuttin' and really CAN just listen to your own needs now.
That includes not even having to understand why people sometimes have weird
expectations that you feel coming your way.
You have a windshield. You are too busy healing to see little bugs go splat.
It's hard and it's a big open space and deciding things is scary. And you don't
need to rush it. But you will be okay. You are okay now, even. Up an/or down.
Storms are shattering but then one day, you realize the surf is calming
and you have weathered it. Things can even become simpler. Promise.
love
Hops
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Well 2015 is coming to a close here in the UK, I don't know if you're already in 2016 across the pond? Always makes me feel amazed that talking to people on the other side of the world is like time travel :)
I don't make resolutions in the traditional sense but I do find this time of year is one that I struggle with and one in which I hope things will change and be different in the coming year. So there are some things I want to work on - feel free to add things to the list if you wish!
I think everything I want to do really comes under the umberella of putting me first! Even writing it still feels a little awkward; where is that line between self care and selfishness? But I suppose, as with most things, it's a fluid line that we need to draw and re-draw as life and our situation changes over time. So I very much want to focus on:
Taking better care of my health. My two dietary demons are caffeine and sugar so I'd like to reduce my consumption of both of those. I'd also like to take more regular exercise and to continue with meditating, which I am finding difficult to do but at the same time I do feel it's helping so I'd like to improve my command of that practice!
Focusing much, much more on what I think and not what other people think. It's a real reflex reaction for me, as natural as breathing, so I do it all the time without being aware that I'm doing it. As an example - I was up early this morning and the job I really wanted to get on with (at about 5.30am) was cleaning my kitchen windows and re-hanging the net curtains. It's my day, my home; it's a quiet job that won't disturb my sleeping neighbours, I don't need to go outside to do it and there really shouldn't be any thought in my mind other than getting on with it. But the negatives that snuck through without me even noticing them at first were:
1) I'm not dressed, I've not done my hair, I'm in my pyjamas so if I stretch up someone walking past might see my fat belly or be offended by the fact I'm not wearing a bra.
2 ) 'People' will think I shouldn't be doing that job that early in the morning or on a day that is supposed to be a holiday. They will think badly of me because of that.
3) 'People' will wonder why I'm bothering with my window when the garden needs digging over, the gutter needs cleaning out, I've not cleaned the house and so on.
So all of that was floating through my head at the same time as I was thinking "I could get on and sort that window out before son gets up". This is nonsensical. None of those thoughts are mine; this is my mother who still seems to live in my head despite the fact I haven't spoken to her for ten years. These are all things she would say if she was here; they're not things that anyone with half a brain would even consider (added to which, who on earth is even going to be walking past my window at 5.30 am?!). But it's in there and even though I'm not consciously thinking it myself I think it has an effect on my soul so I really want to focus on shifting that thinking so that it doesn't run over everything else I'm doing all the time.
I really want to spend some time having fun. I have forgotten how to have fun, and in all honesty I never really learnt how to do it without being drunk or high so I'm a bit clueless in the regard. I'm going to carry on with the meditation group as I enjoy that. I'm going to sign up to learn how to sail when the season starts again in April - I can do this with my son and it would be lovely to be able to get a little boat and go out for a meander every now and again. And I'm going to sign up for a beginner's rock climbing course. I wanted to do that ages ago but my son's health took a dip and it just never happened, so I really want to do that this year. I'm scared of heights and water so those two new pastimes will take me out of my comfort zone and I think will help me with my confidence. Another thing I struggle with is that I don't feel like I'm an interesting person, because I don't really do much other than look after my boy. So I think being able to meet people based on an activity I'm doing will help with that.
Anyway - I think that's enough to be getting on with! Anyone else got anything they want to focus on over the coming year? :) xx
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Well, personally, dear Tupp, I think you should wash your windows NAKED at NOON.
(Too much?) Okay, then with pasties and a purple G-string. Or a witches' hat.
(Still too much?) I think you need a TATTOO. If you were a tattoo what kind of tattoo would you be?
I so so so hear you describing that villagey gossipy judgey judgey culture and how stifling it is for you.
It will be a joy to hear your own steps as you find your way out of there. (And hear those old internal monologues
as toxic tapes from an old internalized thing you've painfully excavated and, step by step, are recording OVER...)
Happy New Year to you, dear.
(I never make resolutions as they set me up for similar internal thrashings...but I do feel hopeful for 2016!).
love
Hops
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Well, personally, dear Tupp, I think you should wash your windows NAKED at NOON.
(Too much?) Okay, then with pasties and a purple G-string. Or a witches' hat.
(Still too much?) I think you need a TATTOO. If you were a tattoo what kind of tattoo would you be?
I so so so hear you describing that villagey gossipy judgey judgey culture and how stifling it is for you.
It will be a joy to hear your own steps as you find your way out of there. (And hear those old internal monologues
as toxic tapes from an old internalized thing you've painfully excavated and, step by step, are recording OVER...)
Happy New Year to you, dear.
(I never make resolutions as they set me up for similar internal thrashings...but I do feel hopeful for 2016!).
love
Hops
Ha ha, Hops, naked at noon made me laugh! Sounds like an album title or a really good book :) A step too far for me at the moment but I love the sentiment! And funny that you mention tattoos because I love them, have never got too many because of, yes, of course, disapproval from others, but I am very keen to start getting some designs drawn up and getting some ink. I am looking forward to battling my way out of this trap I am in. I think over the years I've just constructed this cage of if I do x, y and z then a, b and c won't happen. It's time to start living, I feel.
I think 2016 is going to be amazing for you! I think just being away from that toxic boss now will put a spring in your step and a smile on your face. Wow. Here's to good things in 2016, here's hoping :) xx
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Hops, you'll be glad to know I sorted out my kitchen windows; I wasn't naked but I was scruffy haired and braless (I did have a T shirt on, though!).
I realised, as I was sorting out the window, that something that I feel stops me from moving forward is that I never finish jobs. I work on dozens of different things all the time, ten minutes here, ten minutes there, and nothing every gets finished. I also don't take proper breaks, the way that you would at work (or at least you did in the old days!) when you had a morning break, an hour for lunch and then a break in the afternoon as well. I think the reason I don't finish things is because if it isn't finished I can't be criticised for doing it badly, if I don't stop ever than I can't be called lazy or have anyone find fault in anything I do because if I can say "I haven't sat down all day" then no-one can accuse me of not working hard enough. At least that's what popped into my head when I was hanging the curtains up. Do you know the craziest thing - I live on my own! Who the bejesus is going to criticise what I'm doing at home when there's no-one here?! How ridiculous. So - I have made a list of things that need doing so that we can move - it's mostly jobs on the house that I need to finish off so that I get my deposit back when we leave. I'm aiming for one job a day to get crossed of the list rather than starting all of them and not finishing! Have crossed off one today, could have been two but I ran out of the stuff I needed to finish it but there's only a little bit more so I can finish it once I've been to the shop tomorrow.
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Ah well, save your tat money for your move....celebrate with one LATER.
I totally understand not finishing stuff to insulate yourself from criticism of how you did a job.
Sure, some bored biddies who lack perspective gossip all day and pick at people. But the critic you REALLY have to do battle with is the internal voice that is so relentless with you. Started with your mother and then you internalized it. So probably your focus should get off others (which you've already made clear you're working on) and on giving yourself loud NEW inner tapes to listen to.
Self love.
Genuine self compassion.
Self nurturing.
Self respect.
Self delight.
Self appreciation.
NONE of those things are "selfish." They're what we know how to do as kids...delight in the pleasures and possibilities of OUR OWN EXISTENCE.
And we need this all our lives.
And deserve a new kind of voice to listen to. Probably it will take time and very very intentional self-hypnosis about it. But that works!
love
Hops
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Ah well, save your tat money for your move....celebrate with one LATER.
I totally understand not finishing stuff to insulate yourself from criticism of how you did a job.
Sure, some bored biddies who lack perspective gossip all day and pick at people. But the critic you REALLY have to do battle with is the internal voice that is so relentless with you. Started with your mother and then you internalized it. So probably your focus should get off others (which you've already made clear you're working on) and on giving yourself loud NEW inner tapes to listen to.
Self love.
Genuine self compassion.
Self nurturing.
Self respect.
Self delight.
Self appreciation.
NONE of those things are "selfish." They're what we know how to do as kids...delight in the pleasures and possibilities of OUR OWN EXISTENCE.
And we need this all our lives.
And deserve a new kind of voice to listen to. Probably it will take time and very very intentional self-hypnosis about it. But that works!
love
Hops
Yes, spot on, Hops, and I know I've tried to do this sort of thing before but I've obviously not really got it ground in there properly. I think being busy is sometimes part of the problem; not enough time to notice or think about the internal dialogue, to busy rushing around to ponder (and maybe that's deliberate, to stop the thinking and therefore protect from the feelings that come up with the thinking). I know there is a part of me that is aware of the rages my mother has gone into whenever I've tried to separate myself from her in the past and the terrible things she's done to 'get her own back' at me and I am wondering if some tiny part of me is scared of what might happen if I get her out of my head and finally separate once and for all? It's one of those things that isn't logical - how would she even know, for one thing and realistically she's done pretty much everything she can, there aren't really any more tricks for her to use but I have been wondering if it's one of those sort of subconscious things that you can't quite explain? I don't know but I'm feeling that I need to work on making myself feel safe internally - usually I do it externally by avoiding people and situations but I think perhaps I need to start digging a little bit deeper and creating a safe space for the little me that was always so scared to come out. I am feeling some success already - it's 11 am, I'm still in my PJs, my son's playing on the computer game he got for Christmas and I'm making myself take the day slowly and not be fretting that he isn't constantly reciting poetry and that I haven't completed a whole list of jobs yet today. I don't think we're going to venture out because the weather's so bad so I might get on with painting the downstairs toilet this afternoon and concentrate on just getting the paint on the walls instead of trying to do it better than a pro would.
How are you after your big trip away? Hope you got home okay and that things are settling into place? xx
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Hi Tupp:
I'm supposed to be EFT tapping every day, several times a day, and repeating unconditional self acceptance mantras as I go. I can do this in the car, and sometimes change up what I say out of boredom.
I'm working on finishing up the number of projects I begin and have trouble finishing.... so many. Sometimes I'll see one, and think.... Why didn't I FINISH that?" It seemed so obvious and took so little time..... wasn't something I would have minded doing. Like blowing the leaves from my property next to my elderly neighbor's house. She did it before I started blowing, so to be fair.... it was just done, and I didn't have to think about it. Next year I'll be all over it where this year it didn't cross my mind. At all. Seems odd, like a blind spot for me.
Some are creative projects I'd LOVE to get into. I love to paint furniture, have the furniture to paint, space, and supplies.... but it FEELS like I should be doing other things, and sometimes I'm paralyzed by it. It's something I'm working on very hard right now. Listening to it. Figuring out what it's about.... this resistance, and getting past it.
I'm wishing you, and everyone, a wonderful 2016. May we all enjoy good health, growth, self awareness and our best possible selves.
((((Tupp and son))))
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Hi Tupp:
I'm supposed to be EFT tapping every day, several times a day, and repeating unconditional self acceptance mantras as I go. I can do this in the car, and sometimes change up what I say out of boredom.
I'm working on finishing up the number of projects I begin and have trouble finishing.... so many. Sometimes I'll see one, and think.... Why didn't I FINISH that?" It seemed so obvious and took so little time..... wasn't something I would have minded doing. Like blowing the leaves from my property next to my elderly neighbor's house. She did it before I started blowing, so to be fair.... it was just done, and I didn't have to think about it. Next year I'll be all over it where this year it didn't cross my mind. At all. Seems odd, like a blind spot for me.
Some are creative projects I'd LOVE to get into. I love to paint furniture, have the furniture to paint, space, and supplies.... but it FEELS like I should be doing other things, and sometimes I'm paralyzed by it. It's something I'm working on very hard right now. Listening to it. Figuring out what it's about.... this resistance, and getting past it.
I'm wishing you, and everyone, a wonderful 2016. May we all enjoy good health, growth, self awareness and our best possible selves.
((((Tupp and son))))
And wishing all of that right back at you! Yes, I'm exactly the same, so much gets almost done and then, as you say, just that final half hour doesn't seem to get completed and there's really no reason, other than, for me, being reluctant to finish and lay myself open to 'it's not good enough'.
This Christmas seems to have opened a tsunami of realisation of the fear I am still carrying in me. I did nothing yesterday; other than cooking lunch I barely left the sofa. I didn't feel anything particularly, good or bad, I just couldn't get it together enough to move. I was thinking about it today; I know I would have felt really good about myself if I'd got on a got another job done (or finished one I'd started) and there was plenty of time yesterday to do a job and have a lazy afternoon or evening as well so I could have done both. But I didn't. And I think it's fear, and perhaps feeling like I don't deserve to be able to pat myself on the back and to do a job well and enjoy free time?
I did realise that never being 'heard' has had an impact. My family used successes in my life to devalue the effect I felt being abused had on me. My mother's argument that the sexual abuse wasn't abuse was that I'd had boyfriends, and dated, and had a baby, and if I'd been abused I wouldn't have been able to do any of those things. She used the fact I went to University as evidence that the constant criticism throughout my childhood had actually been a good thing because it had made me work harder (!). My son's disability has never been accepted as the acute condition that it is and has always been blamed on my parenting of him and my own neuroses and tendency for the melodramatic (other people's words, not mine!). When I reported my step father to the police there was not only zero support from the family but they blamed my messed up life (their words, not mine) on my need to try and destroy other people's. Ironically the problems we were encountering were all related to my mother's false allegations of abuse, many of which I still hadn't uncovered at that point. So there's been this pattern of any success in my life - or enjoyment, for that matter - being derided, devalued or minimising other things that are tough (ie my son's disability can't be that bad if I can go out, for example).
So I really need to work on all of this. I know I'm scared that if I move (when I move I ought to say) that my mum will make allegations again and we'll have all those problems. But I'm starting to think I'm even more scared that we might actually move into a nice flat, in a nice area, and start spending time with good people who I know value me because they've kept in touch despite the fact we live hundreds of miles apart and can't spend a lot of time together. I might even meet a man, and spend my days on the beach with my son, and life might actually become this wonderful gift instead of being an endless endurance test? And it's odd because I desperately want an amazing life but at the same time I think I might be really scared of that happening?
On that note, I have realised I need to try and organise myself better. My son's health makes it hard to plan because he's so up and down a lot of the time but I know it's another thing I avoid because if I wing it constantly then there's always room for 'oh, I just haven't got round to that yet' instead of just not doing or getting it done even if it's not done that well. So first job of today is to plan our week out, and then I think I'll spend today getting organised in the hope that next week will be a week of small achievements instead of me lurching through it :)
I am feeling good things about 2016! All the very best to you and your girls, Lighter, and to everybody else as well :) xx
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Well that was interesting and unexpected! I've spent the morning planning the week; not something I usually do but I really want to focus my time more now on making things happen instead of running just to stand still which is what I usually seem to do. I've done two plans, one for things we are doing and places we are going to and one for meals. I'm trying to eat more healthily and perhaps more importantly snack more healthily as it's the snacking I fall down on. I also want to eat regularly so I don't keep filling up on coffee to keep myself going. I don't want to spend a fortune so I've tried to plan for a week's worth of food based around what's already in the cupboards and freezer, make my own snacks, build in a few treats and make it food that fits with what we're doing that day so I can do quick meals on busy days. I also wanted to cook ahead a bit so have included some extras for the freezer. It's taken a fair old while and while I was doing it I started to feel really angry and I'm not too sure why?! It wasn't expected, I can't really see a reason for it but at one point I got so angry I just wanted to bin the whole thing and go and get a takeaway. Took a little break, calmed down, I've finished it now and am going to go to buy the few bits we need for next week (don't need to get a lot in). So I will keep any eye on this, I don't know why it made me feel so cross but perhaps as the day goes on it will become apparent :)
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Tupp:
I have same struggle with nutrition, meal planning, and shopping smart.
Gluten/sugar/dairy free, and organic is really hard.
There are so many aspects of food I THINK I should be doing better.
It's very hard.
::nodding::
Lighter
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Tupp:
I have same struggle with nutrition, meal planning, and shopping smart.
Gluten/sugar/dairy free, and organic is really hard.
There are so many aspects of food I THINK I should be doing better.
It's very hard.
::nodding::
Lighter
That's interesting, Lighter, are your dietary needs because of allergies or is it a way of eating that suits you better? I know I just feel better if I eat 'light', by that I mean lots of veggies, things like chickpea stews, lentil curries and so on, for some reason that seems to suit me better than the traditional meat and two veg. But I fall down by getting caught out and grabbing something quickly, or just drinking more coffee instead of eating, which in turn has me reaching for biscuits and cakes and so it goes on. That's the bit I really want to try and get on top of. I did the planning, we went to the supermarket and it was a nightmare, really busy, pouring with rain, nowhere to park and then the roads were flooded coming home so it took three times longer than it should have done, plus I discovered our new campervan has a leak! Looks like water is getting in through one of the windows in the roof so that's another job to add to the list.
But funnily enough my mood had really shifted; I don't know if that anger this morning was fear? I'm powering ahead with the move; I've wanted to move for so long but I've been scared of my mum making allegations again and having to go through all those investigations again; particularly as my son is older now and would be aware of what was happening. So I've kept creating more things I needed to do before I could go, thinking in my head that if I do x, y and z then bad things won't happen. But the only reason bad things happened was because other people made them happen, by lying and deliberately setting out to cause me hard. And I realised yesterday that there's nothing I can do to prevent that; I can't control the actions of other people and if the allegations start again I will just have to deal with them, like I did before. And with that realisation an enormous weight shifted and I realised that we are actually going to be able to move quite soon now that I no longer have a list of things I must do before we go. Did you ever have any more problems after your last court case? xx
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For some reason food makes me angry. This is bizarre, something I haven't been aware of before and I don't understand where it's coming from. Very odd. I've spent the morning in the kitchen. I put a meal for tonight in the slow cooker as we're going to be home late and got a quick lunch ready for us to have just before we leave. I've made some nice treats, healthier than my usual choices although still naughty because I know if I say 'no treats' to myself I'll only last a day. I've made big batches so some have gone in the freezer; we've probably got enough treats now for at least a fortnight and I've got some bread baking in the oven as well. For some reason when I was doing all this I felt really angry? No idea why, I quite enjoy cooking and backing and I definitely enjoy eating well. I like the feeling of getting home to a meal in the slow cooker; I love the smell as you walk in the door. The radio's on, I had a chat with a friend on the phone earlier so I've had a bit of contact time today as well, things should be feeling peachy. No idea why food makes me cross! Will ponder this some more :) x
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How were you fed or nourished or what were meals like when you were young?
Sorry the van's leaking. Blown away that you have realized you CAN move!
And very inspired by your stick-to-it-ivness, Tupp.
Thank you too for your tales of organization. I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to take that in.
love
Hps
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Hi Tupp:
Last court battle is still going on. Not sure when that will end, but blissfully ignoring it over holiday. Time to start back in, but HUGE resistance to diving back into legal documents. I have to see if I have everything in the computer..... so many. Hard to say, but soon will be neck deep in it.
About the g/s/d free. When I was going through custody trial I sought out highly recommended nutritionist who saw entire family on emergency basis. Also oldest dd dx'd with whole body inflammation.... like she had a big infection. Her fasting insulin levels were through the roof while her sugar levels were normal. Last year she was dx'd with lyme disease, so now we know what the infection was.
Nutritionist prescribed supplements, and forbid all g/s/d.... not even a bite of fruit. "Sugar feeds everything bad in the body". We were eating between 14 and 16g (NOT OZ) of protein 3 times a day. That's a lot of food, more than we were used to eating, and we could eat all the veggies we wanted, but gf carbs allowed once a week ONLY.
Really tough, but the inflammation in oldest dd started falling off like magic.... I could see it clearly in her face. People were commenting. My mind cleared, and unintentional consequence of losing 20 lbs had me back in old favorite clothes..... eating plan made a big difference for us, but hard hard hard to break dairy habit for oldest child.
Interesting that eating plan didn't make much difference, if any, for youngest child. She doesn't seem to have the sensitivities that oldest dd and I have, but she knows eating healthier is better for her.
Last year oldest dd was dx'd with lyme disease,and elevated heavy metal panel, which explained the whole body infection/inflammation results we couldn't explain.
I can't say enough about original nutritionist and eating plan. Our new doc is more about eating all organic, which isn't really working for us.
Can't wait to read you're moving away from your mother, and all the troublesome memories in that neighborhood. Maybe you can go without making forwarding address easy to find?
Sorry camper is leaking, Tupp.
Be brave.
Lighter
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How were you fed or nourished or what were meals like when you were young?
Sorry the van's leaking. Blown away that you have realized you CAN move!
And very inspired by your stick-to-it-ivness, Tupp.
Thank you too for your tales of organization. I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to take that in.
love
Hps
Love that new word, 'stick-to-it-iyness', Hops, will be borrowing that one :) Leaks are not too bad, it's just a shame it's raining non-stop!
Hadn't thought about meal times from childhood. Maybe that is something to do with it? They were horrible. We usually microwaved ourselves something and ate in our bedrooms in order to avoid step-father. If we all ate together it was silence at the table. I was talking too much for his liking one day and he kicked me so hard under the table that I was limping afterwards. Arse hole. My mum would, and still does, spend days preparing for dinner parties and she's an incredible cook but she always felt decent food was wasted on children. How funny, I'd forgotten about that. He'd inspect the kitchen after we'd done the dishes, it was like being in the army. He'd always find something wrong with it. Perhaps that is stirring it all up.
Will get on with the van when the rain stops!
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Hi Tupp:
Last court battle is still going on. Not sure when that will end, but blissfully ignoring it over holiday. Time to start back in, but HUGE resistance to diving back into legal documents. I have to see if I have everything in the computer..... so many. Hard to say, but soon will be neck deep in it.
About the g/s/d free. When I was going through custody trial I sought out highly recommended nutritionist who saw entire family on emergency basis. Also oldest dd dx'd with whole body inflammation.... like she had a big infection. Her fasting insulin levels were through the roof while her sugar levels were normal. Last year she was dx'd with lyme disease, so now we know what the infection was.
Nutritionist prescribed supplements, and forbid all g/s/d.... not even a bite of fruit. "Sugar feeds everything bad in the body". We were eating between 14 and 16oz of protein 3 times a day. That's a lot of food, more than we were used to eating, and we could eat all the veggies we wanted, but gf carbs allowed once a week ONLY.
Really tough, but the inflammation in oldest dd started falling off like magic.... I could see it clearly in her face. People were commenting. My mind cleared, and unintentional consequence of losing 20 lbs had me back in old favorite clothes..... eating plan made a big difference for us, but hard hard hard to break dairy habit for oldest child.
Interesting that eating plan didn't make much difference, if any, for youngest child. She doesn't seem to have the sensitivities that oldest dd and I have, but she knows eating healthier is better for her.
Last year oldest dd was dx'd with lyme disease,and elevated heavy metal panel, which explained the whole body infection/inflammation results we couldn't explain.
I can't say enough about original nutritionist and eating plan. Our new doc is more about eating all organic, which isn't really working for us.
Can't wait to read you're moving away from your mother, and all the troublesome memories in that neighborhood. Maybe you can go without making forwarding address easy to find?
Sorry camper is leaking, Tupp.
Be brave.
Lighter
I hadn't realised there was still a case going on I thought they'd all stopped. Sorry. I know what you mean about the paperwork, I've boxes and boxes to go through and the thought of having to read that crap isn't appealing.
Amazing that diets can have such an effect and isn't it funny when you have a number of children and one of them doesn't have the same problem? So much that doesn't seem obvious but has such a big impact. And not easy to find out about, conventional healthcare seems to miss a lot of those sort of things.
Am not planning on telling anyone around here that we're going. Aiming to just leave, change mobile number, I'm not really on any social media sites or anything like that so that's not a problem. Will have mail redirected so that utility companies and so on don't have new address. And planning on just going for six months initially and looking for a different place in that time; aim is to just get away from here and get back to the area I've got some friends in (long distance from here). Excited about the possibility of just having some fun and not constantly being on the alert all the time :) x
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Hi Tupp:
I meant to write 14 to 16grams of protein, not oz. Good grief.... that would be nuts.
Yes, oldest shares some of her father's and paternal gf's dna in regard to metabolic syndrome/insulin resistance. She's also been dx'd with leaky gut, low stomach acid (which made it impossible to digest all that protein,) and asthma, which her father had.
She needed 3 sets of braces, bc her roots didn't dissolve, and her teeth came in behind baby teeth.... also needs vision correction. Little sister hasn't needed either to this point.... very different children.
When you move, maybe you could request e-bills?
I'm looking forward reading about your upcoming moving adventure!
Go Tupp; )
Lighter
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Hi Tupp:
I meant to write 14 to 16grams of protein, not oz. Good grief.... that would be nuts.
Yes, oldest shares some of her father's and paternal gf's dna in regard to metabolic syndrome/insulin resistance. She's also been dx'd with leaky gut, low stomach acid (which made it impossible to digest all that protein,) and asthma, which her father had.
She needed 3 sets of braces, bc her roots didn't dissolve, and her teeth came in behind baby teeth.... also needs vision correction. Little sister hasn't needed either to this point.... very different children.
When you move, maybe you could request e-bills?
I'm looking forward reading about your upcoming moving adventure!
Go Tupp; )
Lighter
Lol, my undertstanding of metric versus imperial is very limited so I hadn't even noticed that :) Your poor D, it's very hard, I think, for a child who has lots of different problems, although I expect they link together in some way and influence each other. But the endless appointments and research and trying to figure out what is making them unwell is exhausting, I think. I'm glad the diet is making a difference, although it is a lot of extra work and I know situations with my son sometimes I just yearn to be able to just do something without having to think or plan or organise it first. I've tried it a few times and it's always a disaster so I know not to now.
Yes, most of my life is organised online these days which makes everything so much easier. We'll just use mobile broadband as well so no need for contracts or a landline; fewer ways to be tracked down and I am looking forward to that feeling of being free again, it's been a really long time and in my head I already feel like we've moved? It's funny, but something has definitely shifted and it just feels like it's happening now, I can't really explain it. I keep feeling a bit weird and wondering what it is and then realising it's excitement! It's been such a long time since I felt it that I don't recognise it straight away :) xx
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How were you fed or nourished or what were meals like when you were young?
Sorry the van's leaking. Blown away that you have realized you CAN move!
And very inspired by your stick-to-it-ivness, Tupp.
Thank you too for your tales of organization. I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to take that in.
love
Hps
Hops, I think you might have cracked the food thing! I thought about it a lot last night, felt very tired, got a bit tearful. I'd forgotten what a horrible time meal times where when I was little. Something else came to me and I realised this might be significant, but it was a big family meal after I'd 'come out' about my step-dad and revealed all. I'd got very depressed afterwards and couldn't look after my son terribly well (he was very young at the time; I have realised since then that me doing a not brilliant job is still a lot better than a lot of other people's best efforts but the old perfection streak was in play and because I wasn't well enough to be Mary Poppins I thought I couldn't manage). My mum and sister helped out - without them it would have been foster care - but one of the conditions was that I 'take back' what I said about my step-dad. I had to apologise to him - I can't believe I'm writing this, or that I did it, but my mind was such a mess and I was so tired that my mum did manage to convince me that I'd imagined it all for a while. I suppose in a way if you speak out and the reaction is very negative it is easier to say you were wrong instead of facing your entire family turning on you. Anyway, there was a family meal, after I'd spoken out and recanted, me, my three sisters, their partners, an assortment of grandchildren and my parents, obviously. It was time to leave; my step-dad was taking the dogs out for a walk and I was going to be leaving before he came back so we said our goodbyes and he kissed me, full on the lips, in front of everyone. Not a friendly kiss, or a father/daughter kiss, but the way I kiss boyfriends - anyone else I kiss on the cheek (and it's usually the air, isn't it, not even the cheek). No one said a word; I looked around for validation and they were all looking down at their plates and he looked at me then and I just knew that that was exactly why he'd done what he did - he knew no-one would stop him or challenge him and he knew no-one would back me up. Fucker. I never went to their house again after that, my mum and I fell out again quite soon afterwards and it was pretty much the beginning of the end as far as me and my mum were concerned. But interestingly, that all happened around the meal table and it got me thinking that perhaps that is why I have always preferred to eat off my lap in front of the telly instead of sitting down for a meal. Anyway - it seems to have shifted things again, so thank you for that! I got up and prepped all the food for today, I've put dinner in the slow cooker, took some bits out of the freezer for tomorrow and I didn't get moody or shifty so perhaps it's all linked in together and you saying that has made it pop up and go away. Our minds are funny things. Thank you :) x
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Oh my god.
Your last family meal required you to lie about your abuse, kiss the abuser, and pretend forthwith.
I would be angry while dealing with food too.
I'm SO glad you've made the connection. And now you can REclaim food, meals, nourishment from the incredible earth...as POSITIVE, self-love, delight, caring, strength, wellbeing, vigor, life itself. It can even become joyful.
It belongs to you now. Not the past.
Oh, yay.
love
Hops
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Thanks, Hops, it is much appreciated :)
Yes, I know! I hadn't thought about that for such a long time but it really came rushing back yesterday. Part of the problem - as I'm sure it is for many - is that abusive behaviour was so normal in our house. People who didn't indulge were considered odd, as were people who didn't drink, who spoke to their kids politely, spent time with them, played games with them, things that other people consider normal were considered weird in our home and all the horrible disgusting stuff that went on was considered perfectly fine. Funny how those things can affect you in such inoccuous ways for so many years to come.
I am, bizarrely, finding that I am enjoying being organised! I always feel under constant pressure and that I'm not doing enough (or doing it well enough) because my to do list just never gets shorted and I always seem to just rush about endlessly until I conk out and can't do anything at all. When I try and build in relaxation time or just take a break I'm so conscious of the pressing need to 'get things done't that I can't relax and just get stressed out about the whole situation. But this seems to be working better. I did a plan for the week and put in things that were already booked. Then I had a list of things that I need to do - bank, groceries, dropping thank you letters off and so on - and I've put those in around the things we're already out doing, so that I'm not constantly driving from one place to another (I seem to do that a lot). Then I looked at food and meal planned for the week so that we've got slow cooker dinners on busy days when we're home late and I've cooked extras so we've got lunches already prepared from the night before. That's helped a lot, I've found already. And then I've fitted in jobs to do at home around everything else and I'm suprised at how much I'm getting done and how much easier it has felt. Normally I'm exhuasted by this point of the week but I woke up this morning feeling pretty perky and quite keen to get on with some more! I will let you know how things go but it is definitely feeling good at the moment! :)
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An idea that helped me get my inner "to do" list under control...
was that I came to think about decluttering, dust bunny removal, and general sprucing up... as a gift to myself. Making a space for myself to relax in, breathe better and enjoy things in. The piles of paper and general disarray act like sensory overstimulation on me; they evoke that general anxiety, restlessness, discontent that literally wears a person down into "I don't care anymore-ness", even "I don't see it anymore-ness". It literally causes me to hold excess tension in my body, as if I'm poised to begin a wrestling match!! It's exhausting and a waste of energy.
At the same time, there's a bit of creative "nesting" involved too. Just little things like re-arranging decorative items - maybe filling a vase with flowers - making little "still life arrangements" on tabletops; it's sort of a form of expression.
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An idea that helped me get my inner "to do" list under control...
was that I came to think about decluttering, dust bunny removal, and general sprucing up... as a gift to myself. Making a space for myself to relax in, breathe better and enjoy things in. The piles of paper and general disarray act like sensory overstimulation on me; they evoke that general anxiety, restlessness, discontent that literally wears a person down into "I don't care anymore-ness", even "I don't see it anymore-ness". It literally causes me to hold excess tension in my body, as if I'm poised to begin a wrestling match!! It's exhausting and a waste of energy.
At the same time, there's a bit of creative "nesting" involved too. Just little things like re-arranging decorative items - maybe filling a vase with flowers - making little "still life arrangements" on tabletops; it's sort of a form of expression.
Skep, you are so right! I am enjoying being in my sitting room more, simply because it's less cluttered and I've got rid of the piles of paper that were constantly shouting "sort me out!". I've realised how much stuff I do to make life easier for other people; sending emails just to let people know I've done x, y and z, checking and double checking things, filing things 'in case I need them' and so on. I had a big pile of paper on my desk today and I went through it and just picked out the things that would be detrimental to me in some way if I didn't deal with them. There was one bill that needed to be paid and that was it, everything else was just stuff that I don't need to bother with, so I binned it :) I've still got Christmas presents sitting in my kitchen that I haven't dropped off yet; usually I'd have run myself ragged before Christmas getting things to people but I didn't this year and I've still not seen these people; usually I put them first but I haven't this time (and next year I won't be doing presents for them; it's another one of those things I do 'because I ought to' and I'm going to invent some sort of machine that slaps me every time I think that in the future). But you lose the self expression in sorting out all this unnecessary stuff, don't you. I've got a big box of craft 'projects' I'm going to sort through tomorrow; some of that's been sitting there for years now and I really want to get rid of it - it's another thing that I don't get time for and it's silly to hang on to it.
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I'm so glad you've brought up paper organization, Tupp.
It's the weakest area of my life and right now it's essential that I deal with it.
(I'm talking MONTHS of unopened mail, no clear budget, etc. When the unemployment "cushion" runs out I could be in deep doodoo. Not from spending, just from inattentiveness...part of my ADD.)
I have just hired a neighbor who's good at paper sorting to come help.
She's a few minutes late and I got scared. (She's still coming.)
It is ridiculous. Absurd. Embarrassing. (My house looks tidy, I hide the piles.)
And it's another thing that I approach with fear. This time, or this day, I'm going
to feel the fear and do it anyway. She might even make it fun.
love
Hops
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I'm so glad you've brought up paper organization, Tupp.
It's the weakest area of my life and right now it's essential that I deal with it.
(I'm talking MONTHS of unopened mail, no clear budget, etc. When the unemployment "cushion" runs out I could be in deep doodoo. Not from spending, just from inattentiveness...part of my ADD.)
I have just hired a neighbor who's good at paper sorting to come help.
She's a few minutes late and I got scared. (She's still coming.)
It is ridiculous. Absurd. Embarrassing. (My house looks tidy, I hide the piles.)
And it's another thing that I approach with fear. This time, or this day, I'm going
to feel the fear and do it anyway. She might even make it fun.
love
Hops
Aw Hops, I wish we were neighbours, I love sorting out piles off stuff! Particularly other people's, it's so much easier than dealing with your own. I did read a book called 'The Fifteen Minute Rule' by Caroline Buchanan and found that very helpful; it's basically about getting on with things and breaking big, scary tasks down into easy to manage chunks. I found that very useful, particularly when I'm dealing with paperwork regarding my son's health problems which always ends up making me feel sad and/or angry as I have to keep listing all the things he can't do. I also use Rescue Remedy. I don't know if you can get that in the States? But it's just a flower based preparation that helps to calm nerves and make the brain a little more willing to get on with things. Although I don't have ADD so perhaps it wouldn't help in the same way? I hope your neighbour has helped you sort through some of the piles though, I bet you will feel better about it once you're over that first hurdle :) xx
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Well I sorted out a load of paperwork to do with my son's next clinic appointment; this is a new place that I'm hoping can help with his feeding problems which have been going on for nearly fourteen years now, without anyone being able to find a way to improve his situation. This is a new place, expensive, but I've been saving his disability money and if it helps him to eat a better diet (and makes my life easier because I won't have to lug food around everywhere we go) then it will be money well spent.
I've also spent a lot of time watching television today and I have forced myself not to give myself a hard time about it! I work hard (and even on a day like today when I'm not doing much I'll still put in a good three to four hours with my boy just doing the bare minimum with him so we both have a break from each other) but I always see spending time watching televison as wrong somehow. But there was a lot of forensic crime drama that I hadn't seen and I love that sort of thing so I've sat and enjoyed a break and enjoyed what I was watching. There's still time to do a bit of painting and I know I will feel much better tomorrow for not having done too much today.
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Oh my Lord.
Fortunately you inspire more than intimidate me Tupp!
If only you knew how much TV I have piped into my brain in recent years.
It's embarrassing.
You monitor yourself more relentlessly than anybody else ever did, I would bet.
I admire and envy your productivity. It's like we're coming at it all from two totally
different directions...I'm trying to un-freeze myself from deer-in-headlights-do-nothing mode,
and you're trying to stop working so frantically, so you can savor the rest of your life.
Somewhere in between those poles is the Perfect Person nobody's ever met!
hugs
Hops
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Oh my Lord.
Fortunately you inspire more than intimidate me Tupp!
If only you knew how much TV I have piped into my brain in recent years.
It's embarrassing.
You monitor yourself more relentlessly than anybody else ever did, I would bet.
I admire and envy your productivity. It's like we're coming at it all from two totally
different directions...I'm trying to un-freeze myself from deer-in-headlights-do-nothing mode,
and you're trying to stop working so frantically, so you can savor the rest of your life.
Somewhere in between those poles is the Perfect Person nobody's ever met!
hugs
Hops
Aw Hops I know what you mean, that happy balance somewhere in the middle is where we all long to be! I struggle with that; I find standing still so scary! I'm reading about mindfulness at the moment, being present, only thinking about what you are actually doing at the time and not thinking about what you're doing next. And as I've spent my entire life not only planning what I'm doing (in order to avoid setting off the H bomb at home) but also second guessing what everyone else is doing as well I find just being in the moment and only thinking about what I'm doing at the time incredibly hard. But I'm having a go and it is happening a little bit every now and again. And yes, I have watched mountains of television over the years; again, it takes my mind off my own situation and I can escape to fantasy; for me it's fantasising that I wrote the amazing crime drama that's unfolding before me. I've always read a lot for the same reason; as a child I can remember literally spending every spare minute in my room imagining that I was with the Famous Five on Kirrin Island helping them solve the mystery :) There is something about unlocking puzzles that I enjoy. Watching TV isn't a bad thing, I just now that there's so much more I'd like to be doing with my life and it just isn't an option at the minute. Sometimes there's a lot of day to fill up and if I'm making myself not rush around then the options indoors are TV or reading. I am trying to develop more hobbies but I do find my head needs a break sometimes and I need to fill it up with something someone else has done. I suppose it's to do with not having company or seeing people very often - there's no-one else's input to feed off for a short while so I'm constantly having to entertain myself and I find it tiring!
Here's to middle ground and finding some place in between that works (although it sounds to me like you're getting out of 'deer-in-the-headlights' mode pretty well at the minute :) xx
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Do you know, it's funny, Hops, but I've been thinking about that deer-in-a-headlight- mode since I read what you wrote and I realised (as I was washing the walls ready to start painting) that I am frozen like that but I hide it by looking busy all the time and being too 'busy' to go and do what I want to do. I think I'm just as scared of striking out and actually getting somewhere as I am of striking out and failing or not striking out at all. I've often said of myself that I'm constantly running just to stand still and that's how my life's always felt, always working, always busy, always trying but never getting anywhere (or at least not getting any further than getting myself out of crisis after crisis). And I think it's probably just another variation of deer-in-the-headlights except this deer looks like he's trying to run but can't!
I found with my planning for the week last week that I put too much in each day and so didn't finish the list, which then meant moving those jobs onto the next day and so on. So when I sat down and planned yesterday I've purposely put far, far less in each day to make it more achievable. When I looked at the list this morning I realised I actually felt scared of being able to cross everything off it before I go to bed tonight. It's 8 am here and I'm already half way through it. And the thought of being able to cross everything off and perhaps sit down this evening feeling that I've done a complete day feels very alien to me and very scary. I'm aware, as all of this is going through my mind, that a big thing with my mum is not being better than her, and I wonder if that's something to do with living in a state of chaos all the time (for me, at least)? She was a perfect housekeeper, very good cook, the garden was always immaculate, she grew her own veg, always paid bills on time and could stretch a little money a long way. But that's her domain and I know how uncomfortable she gets if she doesn't have anything to criticise and that's when she gets nasty. I've wondered in the past if her allegations against me were a way of knocking me back down again, because they often came during a change in my life which 'may' have made life better for us. I wonder if she sees that as a threat and if that's something to do with me not 'getting there', for fear of displeasing her. I had really thought I had all this mum stuff licked but it seems that's not quite the case.
Anyway - I'm rambling! Just wanted to say thanks because that comment really made me think and I think it's shifted a few more things in my mind now. I will send it back your way to shift some of that filing for you ;) xx
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This is becoming a bit of a stream of consciousness for me but I find it helps to write things down as they pop into my head :)
Someone popped round to see us this afternoon and I appreciate the effort he's made to do so, but it made me realise that what I really crave in my life are people who have hopes and dreams and who are interested in my hopes and dreams as well. I seem to know a lot of people who are just sort of sitting - they've no desire for anything to change really, or any big sort of dreams and ambitions they want to fulfill - they're not working towards something and I always feel like I'm trying to head somewhere (not that I always know where, mind you!) and I really want to be around people who are enthusiastic about my hopes and dreams, rather than people who are disinterested or negative about them. The person who popped round this afternoon told me a couple of weeks ago that he'd done enough travelling and now he was just sort of waiting to die - he's not even forty yet. And that made me feel so sad, it's exactly the sort of life I don't want, where nothing changes, nothing happens. There's still so much I want to do and I feel like I've had to delay things in order to sort my self out and get myself to a place where I could manage life instead of ricocheting through it.
On a slightly more practical note, there is a flat I've seen online, just posted today, looks like the right sort of place for us so fingers crossed we can go and have a look next week and maybe it will be the one :)
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I've realised I've mostly surrounded myself with people who are unhappy. For whatever reason that may be, although outwardly some are successful, at the core many of them aren't happy people. I'm not entirely sure why I've done this. I know it's not been intentional but it is the situation I've ended up in somehow. And I think that's why so many of them moan and complain a lot and just aren't generally great company. Perhaps it's an aspect of myself I recognised and wanted to see in others, or perhaps I just take on waifs, strays and underdogs. Maybe it's still co-dependency, or a need to be liked or to be seen as a good person. I'm not sure. Will think on it more.
In other news, only one room left to decorate. It is the biggest and most cluttered room - I've saved the worst for last! But will start getting on with it today, have been clearing out more stuff we don't need and took a load of things to the charity shop yesterday, have more to go today.
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I just heard an unexpected quote on a daffy tv show,
wanted to share it.
Blood's thicker than water but love's thicker than blood.
What a better way of explaining PHamily.
Tupp, may you find love wherever you go.
love,
Hops
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Hey Tupp... I totally relate to the always busy, to only stand still. My hubs was the total opposite - and even wore his "laziness" as he called as a brownie point or badge of "suthern honor". But when the laziness turned into not feeling well...
On my side of the spectrum, I started using 2x2 post it notes: my "list" for a day to fit on that post-it (and it had to be legible, too!). So, only 3-5 things "to-do" -- outside of the normal housework chores of living.
Now, even that plan is evolving. Part of my day is spent doing one or two paperwork things. And then, the rest is spent on physical work - either the sorting, organizing, purging or outdoor clean up. (Depending on the weather.) Immersion into one or the other to the exclusion (that day) of the other kind of "work"... feels wrong; so doing a little of both is helping me feel like I'm not neglecting one or the other categories.
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I just heard an unexpected quote on a daffy tv show,
wanted to share it.
Blood's thicker than water but love's thicker than blood.
What a better way of explaining PHamily.
Tupp, may you find love wherever you go.
love,
Hops
Aw thank you, Hops, I wish the same for you! I do feel ready to receive which I haven't done for such a long time. I'm looking forward to just feeling like there's a chance again, you know? I haven't felt that way for so long now, it just feels nice to think that in a couple of months time I might be writing some nice posts about good things going on :) xx
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Hey Tupp... I totally relate to the always busy, to only stand still. My hubs was the total opposite - and even wore his "laziness" as he called as a brownie point or badge of "suthern honor". But when the laziness turned into not feeling well...
On my side of the spectrum, I started using 2x2 post it notes: my "list" for a day to fit on that post-it (and it had to be legible, too!). So, only 3-5 things "to-do" -- outside of the normal housework chores of living.
Now, even that plan is evolving. Part of my day is spent doing one or two paperwork things. And then, the rest is spent on physical work - either the sorting, organizing, purging or outdoor clean up. (Depending on the weather.) Immersion into one or the other to the exclusion (that day) of the other kind of "work"... feels wrong; so doing a little of both is helping me feel like I'm not neglecting one or the other categories.
I'm finding similar, Skep, I've honed my to do list down to four or five tasks and I'm being more realistic about how long things take and spreading jobs over several days instead of beating myself up for not decorating the entire house in three hours flat :) It's funny how it makes a difference psyhcologically - I feel great today because I'm 'ahead' of my list for the week, just because I've written less on it. I can see how I was creating work for myself but often not actually getting anywhere. I'm wondering if it's anything to do with being disconnnected (for me, anyway) - if it's been a way of avoiding thinking about things and avoiding things that bring about change (which is often painful). I don't know - I'm finding I'm thinking a lot as I paint, it does free your mind for other things! x
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Things really don't fall apart when you stop making a to-do list. Ironically it was after things fell apart that I quit making a to-do list because it was no longer a priority. Somehow the most important things we always know what they are list or not.
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Things really don't fall apart when you stop making a to-do list. Ironically it was after things fell apart that I quit making a to-do list because it was no longer a priority. Somehow the most important things we always know what they are list or not.
You're absolutely right, G, for me it's definitely a control/anxiety type thing, my therapist used to tease me about having so many lists I needed a list to keep track of them. I do think my need for control is reducing, albeit quite slowly :)
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I'm wondering if my personality is too bland or unobtrusive? In the last week I've had a friend visit and leave the house in a mess because he didn't clear up after his child, another friend brought his dog and left the house in a mess and someone rang me yesterday and left a message on my answerphone saying that they were just ringing because they were out of the house and they had some time to fill. I just feel like I'm invisible sometimes, and unnoticed. If we get toys out at a friend's house I put them away again. If my pet made a mess I'd clean it up. I can't imagine telling someone I cared about that I was ringing them to fill up some time. Feels like a basic lack of respect? I just wouldn't do that to others. Sometimes I feel like the only one I have a really good relationship with is my cat :)
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Hi Tupp,
This is so way out in left field it probably belongs elsewhere...and it's about romance, NOT friendships.
But I was reading it because I talked with someone who has OCD, and when I just read your last post, something wobbled in my brain and I wondered if there might be an anxiety or OCD component to your feelings of upset and anxiety about lack of reciprocal connection with others. (Not a "diagnosis"--just connecting with the anxiety beneath it I think.)
(All of which I can often totally relate to. I remember decades when I was microscrutinizing everyone, and in hindsight, I think it was fear. Of abandonment. Of invisibility. Of not mattering. Ultimately of not being loved.)
So for what it's vaguely worth, thought this article might ring a spark or two:
http://ocdla.com/rocd-relationship-ocd-myth-of-the-one-3665 (http://ocdla.com/rocd-relationship-ocd-myth-of-the-one-3665)
love to you,
Hops
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I'm wondering if my personality is too bland or unobtrusive? In the last week I've had a friend visit and leave the house in a mess because he didn't clear up after his child, another friend brought his dog and left the house in a mess and someone rang me yesterday and left a message on my answerphone saying that they were just ringing because they were out of the house and they had some time to fill. I just feel like I'm invisible sometimes, and unnoticed. If we get toys out at a friend's house I put them away again. If my pet made a mess I'd clean it up. I can't imagine telling someone I cared about that I was ringing them to fill up some time. Feels like a basic lack of respect? I just wouldn't do that to others.
Hi Tupp,
This is what I glean from your post: Perhaps you are suffering from "Nice Girl" syndrome? Do you feel you must always be nice, even when others treat you not so nice?
If "yes", I'd say try some assertiveness.
Example: The kids left a mess: So, speak to your son about cleaning up messes before his friend(s) leave. Also, when your son's friends come over, speak to them, in the beginning, about any mess they make, they must clean up before the friend(s) leave. So, 30 minutes before the friend's parent arrives, call a "clean up" time and help the kids clean up, even make it fun, like a game.
Re: the friend w/ the dog: Next time they call, tell them (in a very nice way) that you would prefer that they not bring their dog because the dog left a mess last time. That should open a discussion about the friend cleaning up their dog's mess.
Even better, next time a dog or a kid (or anyone) creates a mess for you, ask them right then & there to help you clean it up. Ask them nicely and after all, this is a reasonable request.
If they refuse, do not have them back in your home.
Re: the phone person, just tell them it's not a good time for you to speak, can you call them back?
Just my thoughts, toss out whatever doesn't work for you.
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Hi Tupp,
This is so way out in left field it probably belongs elsewhere...and it's about romance, NOT friendships.
But I was reading it because I talked with someone who has OCD, and when I just read your last post, something wobbled in my brain and I wondered if there might be an anxiety or OCD component to your feelings of upset and anxiety about lack of reciprocal connection with others. (Not a "diagnosis"--just connecting with the anxiety beneath it I think.)
(All of which I can often totally relate to. I remember decades when I was microscrutinizing everyone, and in hindsight, I think it was fear. Of abandonment. Of invisibility. Of not mattering. Ultimately of not being loved.)
So for what it's vaguely worth, thought this article might ring a spark or two:
http://ocdla.com/rocd-relationship-ocd-myth-of-the-one-3665 (http://ocdla.com/rocd-relationship-ocd-myth-of-the-one-3665)
love to you,
Hops
Hops, thank you, I had a quick read through the first couple of paragraphs last night and some bits did ring bells so I will sit down later and have a good read through, thank you. And yes, not mattering is a big thing for me, I don't feel like I'm at the top of anyone's list and I find that very hard. I do have some friends that I know care about me a great deal and I am really trying to focus on them more but they live a long way away and my day to day contact with humans is so limited that I find the loneliness distracts me. But will keep chipping away at it. Also realised yesterday that I'm quite tired at the minute and this sort of hypercritical stuff does come on more when I'm tired (I'm like a toddler who's missed their afternoon nap and gets all crabby at tea time :) ). So I'm planning on some rest and me time over the weekend, recharge the batteries a bit and stop feeling so frazzled. Thank you xx
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I'm wondering if my personality is too bland or unobtrusive? In the last week I've had a friend visit and leave the house in a mess because he didn't clear up after his child, another friend brought his dog and left the house in a mess and someone rang me yesterday and left a message on my answerphone saying that they were just ringing because they were out of the house and they had some time to fill. I just feel like I'm invisible sometimes, and unnoticed. If we get toys out at a friend's house I put them away again. If my pet made a mess I'd clean it up. I can't imagine telling someone I cared about that I was ringing them to fill up some time. Feels like a basic lack of respect? I just wouldn't do that to others.
Hi Tupp,
This is what I glean from your post: Perhaps you are suffering from "Nice Girl" syndrome? Do you feel you must always be nice, even when others treat you not so nice?
If "yes", I'd say try some assertiveness.
Example: The kids left a mess: So, speak to your son about cleaning up messes before his friend(s) leave. Also, when your son's friends come over, speak to them, in the beginning, about any mess they make, they must clean up before the friend(s) leave. So, 30 minutes before the friend's parent arrives, call a "clean up" time and help the kids clean up, even make it fun, like a game.
Re: the friend w/ the dog: Next time they call, tell them (in a very nice way) that you would prefer that they not bring their dog because the dog left a mess last time. That should open a discussion about the friend cleaning up their dog's mess.
Even better, next time a dog or a kid (or anyone) creates a mess for you, ask them right then & there to help you clean it up. Ask them nicely and after all, this is a reasonable request.
If they refuse, do not have them back in your home.
Re: the phone person, just tell them it's not a good time for you to speak, can you call them back?
Just my thoughts, toss out whatever doesn't work for you.
Ann, thank you, yes, that's very me, I do struggle with being assertive, particularly spur of the moment assertive, if that makes sense? If I know I'm going to encounter a situation in advance I can prepare for that and practise a bit and I find I can do that quite well, but spur of the moment stuff I do struggle with. I do find as well that I've spent so many years masking my feelings that I do have a really good poker face; my emotions and feelings just don't show (unless, as one friend told me, it involves being asked to share cake, which she says is the only time she's ever seen a look of horror on my face, lol). Unfortunately I don't play poker, perhaps I should learn as it's probably a good idea to put it to good use. But I think that's part of the problem as well, I always seem fine and not bothered and don't give any indications that something's annoying me. I might try practising looking annoyed in the mirror later on :) Thank you x
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I'm trying to get into the habit of meditating each day now, which I did after I answered the other posts this morning. I just pick out whichever one I fancy from YouTube and I tried one this morning that's for deducing anxiety. The picture I got in my mind while I was doing it was of a little girl that no-one wanted, who kept waiting for someone to come and get her but no-one ever came. I felt like one of those dogs you see at rehoming centres who's been there for years because no-one wants him. It made me feel incredibly sad, but it also made sense of the way I feel now, like I don't matter to people. I hate it when my phone doesn't ring all day (which happens a lot) because I feel like no-one in the world had an urge to speak to me all day and that makes me feel incredibly lonely. So I feel a bit of inner child work is called for. I've abandoned my usual habit of caffeine fixes and sugar to help me rush through the day and have retreated to my bed with healthy snacks and herbal teas, to rest, sleep, read and think. My boy is busy doing his own stuff at the minute and happy to be left to his own devices so I am making the most of the opportunity to look after myself and make this a 'looking after baby Tupp' weekend.
I did want to say thank you to all of you, and to you, Dr G, for being here and having this place. I wouldn't feel safe or comfortable talking about some of these things anywhere else, whether online or face to face, anonymously or otherwise, and it does really help me to be able to write this down and to feel safe doing it so thank you all so much for giving that to me xx
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Me, too.
Loneliness.
Phone rarely ringing.
I think Facebook is part of it. Folks migrate there for their daily humanity and we don't give each other our voices anymore.
(((((((((((Tupp)))))))))
Hops
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I did want to say thank you to all of you, and to you, Dr G, for being here and having this place. I wouldn't feel safe or comfortable talking about some of these things anywhere else, whether online or face to face, anonymously or otherwise, and it does really help me to be able to write this down and to feel safe doing it so thank you all so much for giving that to me xx
Hi Tupp,
I feel lucky to "know" all of you. Through the years, this "place" has gathered wonderful people, and it has been an important part of my life. So glad you're here!
Richard
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I did want to say thank you to all of you, and to you, Dr G, for being here and having this place. I wouldn't feel safe or comfortable talking about some of these things anywhere else, whether online or face to face, anonymously or otherwise, and it does really help me to be able to write this down and to feel safe doing it so thank you all so much for giving that to me xx
Hi Tupp,
I feel lucky to "know" all of you. Through the years, this "place" has gathered wonderful people, and it has been an important part of my life. So glad you're here!
Richard
Thank you, Dr G :) It's good to be here. It's so kind of you to run this and let us all loose on it as well :)
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Me, too.
Loneliness.
Phone rarely ringing.
I think Facebook is part of it. Folks migrate there for their daily humanity and we don't give each other our voices anymore.
(((((((((((Tupp)))))))))
Hops
I'm sorry that you know that feeling too, Hops. It's strange, I know so many people, and they're all happy for me to visit them or join them on nights out and so on. But they don't initiate contact and I can't go for nights out very often as it's difficult (and expensive!) to get someone to sit with my son for the evening. And then I resent spending money I struggle to afford to go and be with people who can't be bothered to phone or come round to me one evening instead and so I don't go. I have been going to the meditation group and I enjoy that but I've also found that I'm so used to be alone now that I find the company of others quite tiring - the effort of making conversation seems to take it out of me more than it used to. And I find I'm not interested in other people's day to day stuff, or their problems, I feel like I only want to share with the few people I feel very close to? I'm aware I've cut myself off to a certain extent, I just feel quite dead inside a lot of the time, but full of longing as well which is odd. My sister came round yesterday afternoon and when I opened the door and saw it was her it was all I could do not to groan. I love her but she just talks about herself and all her problems the whole time and I'm just not interested.
I tried getting into Facebook thinking it might help but I found it quite annoying and lots of people I would prefer to forget kept popping up so I abandoned that idea!
I don't know how we change the situation of getting people to want us? It's that feeling of someone wanting me that I miss, just for the sake of me, rather than because they have a problem to get off their chest or something they want me to do. But you can't force other people to do things and I feel that I don't want someone to ring me because I've moaned about being lonely, I want them to phone because they want to. I might have to try some sort of mind bending or something and see if that makes any difference :) xx
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Meditating again, this morning I got an overwhelming sense of anger at my dad for leaving me. Unfair and illogical as my mum got a court order to get him evicted and then he died a couple of months later so it wasn't his choice, obviously, but I still felt incredibly angry that he left me. After he died I used to think up all kinds of stories and scenarios that would explain how it had all been a big mix up and he'd turn up unscathed. I used to sit out by the side of the road on a Sunday, which is the day he used to come down to see us, and wait for his car. One day a car just like his came over the hill and I remember jumping up, I was so sure it was him. It wasn't, of course, he'd been dead for months by then, but I can remember that feeling as I leapt up to wave to him and then realising it was someone else driving past (even though the man in the car was waving back, but I didn't know who he was). I think that's where this feeling of waiting to be rescued and so desperately wanting someone to want me enough to come and get me comes from.
Anyway. Cried buckets. Feel very tired, but in that way that you do when you've let something go. There's the most beautiful sunset this morning. Seems very apt. x
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Awwww, Tupp.
I'm so sorry for that horrible abandonment.
And your mother, by being so unkind, abandoned you too.
I wonder if you isolate yourself or find it hard to trust/connect
because you are carrying on the orphan feelings as an adult?
I was no orphan but I do feel so scared and alone at times.
And you're on your own with a huge parenting burden that nobody
helps you with. I can't imagine how hard that is sometimes, to feel
that "unhelped."
I admire you a lot for your persistence. The rest, the emotional
healing and calming...I feel sure it will come for you in time.
You're going through an awful lot right now, and anticipating a
huge change you're going to go through on your own. It takes
a lot of courage and you've got that!
hugs
Hops
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Awwww, Tupp.
I'm so sorry for that horrible abandonment.
And your mother, by being so unkind, abandoned you too.
I wonder if you isolate yourself or find it hard to trust/connect
because you are carrying on the orphan feelings as an adult?
I was no orphan but I do feel so scared and alone at times.
And you're on your own with a huge parenting burden that nobody
helps you with. I can't imagine how hard that is sometimes, to feel
that "unhelped."
I admire you a lot for your persistence. The rest, the emotional
healing and calming...I feel sure it will come for you in time.
You're going through an awful lot right now, and anticipating a
huge change you're going to go through on your own. It takes
a lot of courage and you've got that!
hugs
Hops
Thanks, Hops. I'm sorry you feel the same, though, feeling scared and alone just isn't a nice thing to experience.
I am finding part of the reason that I am so alone right now is that I've put boundaries in place. I used to be very popular, I think, simply because I did a lot for other people and didn't ask for anything back. Once I stopped being a sounding board, or said to people that they couldn't come round whenever they liked, they needed to phone first - simple boundaries that a lot of other people have as a matter of course - I found a lot of them just vanished and I realised it wasn't me they wanted, it was what I could do for them and they've just gone off and found that somewhere else. So I've raised my standards, really, and I just haven't met new people where I live currently to replace the other ones, although I have tried hard and tried to make connections. But I feel perhaps our way of the world now is that more people just take what they need from you without it giving back? I don't know. I also find my son's disability very isolating because other people just don't understand the things you go through, so I've lost that ability to empathise with someone who is having a crisis because their handbag doesn't match their shoes, for example, or listening to people moan about their healthy kids doing things that I'd give anything to see my son be able to do so easily. So I think that puts a barrier up, as does just being exhausted and endlessly dealing with the public sector, which in the UK is an absolute nightmare to deal with.
But I am hoping our upcoming move will bring us new things. I know the people down there are friendlier than they are up here and they're much more outdoorsie and there's a lot more going on - around here people seem to mostly go to the pub and watch telly, neither of which are particularly my cup of tea. So fingers crossed things are changing. Thank you for all of the support I really appreciate it. How are you finding the job hunting going at the moment? I hope it's going okay xx
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Well something quite huge has shifted in me emotionally over the last few days; I'm not sure if it's the meditation, the de-cluttering at home, the refusing to run around after people or what it might be but I just don't feel as alone as I usually do and, more interestingly, I don't feel as angry at other people for not being who I want them to be! I've seen very few people over the last month or so and it's funny because only I know that we won't be here for much longer and that those recent meetings may well be the last time I ever see those people. I've also realised, due to my plan not to tell anybody until the day before we leave, that there are others that I might not see at all before we go and then similarly may never see again and I actually feel quite freed by it. I saw my sister a couple of days ago and I love her to bits, but I've been listening to her recounting the same dramas and crisis situations for thirty years now. She's never changed, the loops still keep playing and for years I felt like I had to rescue her. Then I had several years more recently of feeling angry about her not rescuing herself (or listening to me!). Now I just feel that's how she is, that's fine but none of that needs to be part of who I am or any sort of reflection on me and that felt very freeing.
Practically we are still plodding on making slow progress. I am trying to look after myself better. I've given up caffeine - nine days now. Felt pretty rough for four or five days but starting to feel clearer headed now and have a bit more energy - not much but a bit. Am trying to eat more regularly and rest more - that's going pretty well. Haven't been sleeping too well but I think that might be the lack of caffeine (keep waking up desperate for a cup of tea but have resisted!). So am hoping that will settle down again soon.
Financially the van's cost a bit more than I thought and we've had a fairly large bill from the vet so the move is going to be a little tougher than I had hoped; all good, I will just look for something that fits with this slightly lower budget and if we don't find something will keep looking until either we do or until my savings have recovered again. But overall things are looking good, I'm getting on top of the situation with the van, I've been quite ruthlessly clearing out the house (even pot plants have been donated elsewhere) and I've just got one more room to decorate and then the whole house is finished. The garden needs tidying up but it's a small garden so that won't take long. Even the paperwork is looking less daunting and I've even bought some pretty files to keep things in instead of my usual 'just buy whatever's cheapest' approach so all in all things are looking good and I'm hoping I will be on here soon telling you all about the little place I've found by the sea :) xx
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I'm meditating daily now, enjoying it, finding it easier to do. I'm slightly unsettled by the pure, unadulterated hatred that I am feeling rising up towards my mum and my step-dad, and the anger I am feeling towards the many people around me when I was a child who could have, and should have stepped in to stop the abuse, and didn't bother. I think perhaps this is why I feel so much anger toward people who don't help me now, although interestingly at a difficult time in my life I surrounded myself with the very people who did nothing at a difficult time in my childhood. Not sure if that is going through things again to learn from them or just being too daft to notice, but either way, it seems odd.
I'm not concerned that I will act on the hatred, it's just suprised me as I genuinely thought I was well past all of that. I've never really felt anything toward my step-dad other than revulsion, everything else was just numb, so it's suprised me that I'm feeling this way towards him now. I'm also finding that I'm hating both of them equally. In the past I've tended to see my mum as something of a victim of his as well, albeit in a different way, but now I'm seeing them as an equally dispicable couple who were just as bad as each other and each enabled the other one to abuse in the way they saw fit. For many years I've still felt some sort of compassion?duty? towards my mum as she's got older. I've always felt that I wouldn't be able to sit back and watch her suffer if her health failed, or ignore her if I knew he'd died and she was alone, but at the moment I'm feeling like they both deserve everything they get and that's unsettling me a little bit as it's not how I usually am. Perhaps it is how I usually am and I just hide it well.
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Hi Tupp:
I think you were raised to not feel entitled to your feelings.... any feelings. That you're expressing them now, feeling safe enough to feel them, and are able to turn them over and examine them is huge.
If it feels wrong or shameful to have negative feelings toward your mum and sf it's bc you're very nice, and you've always been made to feel guilty and responsible for things that aren't yours, IMO.
You're entitled to your feelings.... everyone is. They aren't right or wrong, they just are.
Go ahead, examine them. Allow yourself permission to just let them be, and try not to feel anyway about them..... just roll around in them until you're sick of feeling them, and don't stop yourself having them.
I agree about your mum and sf, btw.....
they deserve everything they've sewn.
You aren't obligated to save them, or help them, or give them any energy at all as their health fails and they grow old, IMO.
They're harmful people, and you're obligated to save yourself and your son. Only.
Meditate daily..... make wise food choices, set up your files with those lovely pretty files, and give yourself complete permission to administer your life with competence, Tupp.
Without guilt.....
and....
once past the anger.....
what will there be?
I look forward to reading your updates, Tupp; )
Lighter
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Hi Tupp:
I think you were raised to not feel entitled to your feelings.... any feelings. That you're expressing them now, feeling safe enough to feel them, and are able to turn them over and examine them is huge.
If it feels wrong or shameful to have negative feelings toward your mum and sf it's bc you're very nice, and you've always been made to feel guilty and responsible for things that aren't yours, IMO.
You're entitled to your feelings.... everyone is. They aren't right or wrong, they just are.
Go ahead, examine them. Allow yourself permission to just let them be, and try not to feel anyway about them..... just roll around in them until you're sick of feeling them, and don't stop yourself having them.
I agree about your mum and sf, btw.....
they deserve everything they've sewn.
You aren't obligated to save them, or help them, or give them any energy at all as their health fails and they grow old, IMO.
They're harmful people, and you're obligated to save yourself and your son. Only.
Meditate daily..... make wise food choices, set up your files with those lovely pretty files, and give yourself complete permission to administer your life with competence, Tupp.
Without guilt.....
and....
once past the anger.....
what will there be?
I look forward to reading your updates, Tupp; )
Lighter
Thank you, Lighter :)
You are absolutely right about not being allowed feelings in childhood. One of the things that helped me so much in counselling was that the therapist actually taught me how to label and recognise feelings - I was so switched off I couldn't pick them out and I certainly couldn't talk about them (or accept it was normal to have them). The funny thing about the hate I am feeling now is that it doesn't feel wrong, it feels absolutely right and what feels wrong is that I've never felt it before. What's caught me by suprise is that they are there at all; I genuinely didn't think I had anything like that inside me. At other times when feelings have surfaced I can see how they've been bubbling away for years but I just didn't notice (my anxiety, I've realised very recently, is constantly very high, but it's been such a normal part of my life that I've never felt any other way without the use of chemicals so I didn't recognise it as anxiety, to me it's always been normal). So I'm supposing it's all been very deeply buried and yes, absolutely a good thing to get it out and deal with it. And I don't owe them a thing, not one minute of my time, and I genuinely feel that's alright now where I haven't before.
In other news - things are progressing quite well. The van (which I love) is taking longer to sort out and costing more than I'd thought so it might delay the moving plans slightly, but only by a matter of weeks (it might not, I should know a bit more in the next couple of weeks). The house is fairly uncluttered, I've one more room to decorate and I'm making headway with the paperwork, keeping what we need and shredding what we don't, so the actual move itself should be relatively straight forward. I'm quite enjoying all these secret plans; no-one around here has a clue what I'm planning and it feels quite nice to actually be doing something without the world and his wife knowing all about it.
How are things with you? I'm hoping good :) xx
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Heck, yeah.
That's HEALING anger.
Weather it, and serenity follows.
So wish I could see the Magical Camper Van!
Big hugs,
Hops
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Heck, yeah.
That's HEALING anger.
Weather it, and serenity follows.
So wish I could see the Magical Camper Van!
Big hugs,
Hops
Ha ha, it's not very magical at the moment, Hops, it's mostly in bits and I keep finding more rust! I still think (hope!) I can sort it and a couple of people I've spoken to still reckon I paid a good price for her but there is more work to do than I envisaged and I don't know what I'm doing so it's a steep learning curve! We're getting there slowly so hopefully she'll be magical soon. The inside is all good, at least, so the current plan for my son's birthday is to take a couple of his friends bowling, then go for lunch and do birthday cake in the camper which will be all decorated in a pirate theme :) Fingers crossed!
It does feel like good anger, which is a funny thing, anger usually makes me feel scared and out of control and ashamed, I realised recently, but this feels like kick arse, Kill Bill stuff. I don't feel like I have to justify it? Usually I feel like I need to have a million reasons to back up the way I feel but this feels different, it's very strange (but in a good way, I think). Hope the job hunting is going okay xx
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OH OH OH A PIRATE THEME!
So much fun, Tupp.
If you have a chance to get your hands on some fake mustaches have plenty for kids to do eyebrows, mustaches, gotaees etc. Such great photo ops.
Those cheap eye patches and some bandannas are good too.
I bet that party will be one your son remembers happily forever. A PIRATE CAMPER! WITH CAKE!
Ahhh.... the rust can only make it better; )
As for me, funny we were just talking about feelings, bc my oldest dd has a hard time expressing her feelings, and staying hooked into the present. This began when her paternal grandmother began saying harmful things to her when she was in second grade.
"You;re going to have a new mother/father.... your mother is a criminal, a thief, a murderer, you don't have to listen to her.... etc" Just terrible, and for a while she was repeating these things to me, and would be very defiant after visiting with IL's. That's about when visits ended actually.
That's the time period that began black outs, and loss of memories.... she can't remember anything her grandmother said that was negative, for instance. Forgot it very soon after it was said and both children were coming home hysterical after those visits.
The youngest reported it all, and stayed hooked into her feelings, expressing them in a healthy manner. My oldest dd has to figure that piece out now, and she's asking for help with it thank God.
I'm praying for you and your son. Rock the Pirate Van for us.... just love a good pirate party, Tupp: )
Lighter
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OH OH OH A PIRATE THEME!
So much fun, Tupp.
If you have a chance to get your hands on some fake mustaches have plenty for kids to do eyebrows, mustaches, gotaees etc. Such great photo ops.
Those cheap eye patches and some bandannas are good too.
I bet that party will be one your son remembers happily forever. A PIRATE CAMPER! WITH CAKE!
Ahhh.... the rust can only make it better; )
As for me, funny we were just talking about feelings, bc my oldest dd has a hard time expressing her feelings, and staying hooked into the present. This began when her paternal grandmother began saying harmful things to her when she was in second grade.
"You;re going to have a new mother/father.... your mother is a criminal, a thief, a murderer, you don't have to listen to her.... etc" Just terrible, and for a while she was repeating these things to me, and would be very defiant after visiting with IL's. That's about when visits ended actually.
That's the time period that began black outs, and loss of memories.... she can't remember anything her grandmother said that was negative, for instance. Forgot it very soon after it was said and both children were coming home hysterical after those visits.
The youngest reported it all, and stayed hooked into her feelings, expressing them in a healthy manner. My oldest dd has to figure that piece out now, and she's asking for help with it thank God.
I'm praying for you and your son. Rock the Pirate Van for us.... just love a good pirate party, Tupp: )
Lighter
Oh, Lighter, your poor girl, I cannot understand anyone saying that to a child, under any circumstances. Even if a child did have an awful parent (which quite obviously yours don't!) the other adults in their lives should explain things kindly and tactfully. It's such a selfish, nasty thing to do, no regard for the child and how they feel or what sort of effect it might have on them. She has you to help her through this, thank goodness, so I hope she's able to get to a point where it isn't too much of a problem anymore. How dare that woman say those things?! I think there are a lot of people in the world who are lucky they people they harass aren't violent or there would be a lot of bloody noses about.
Yes, I am excited about the pirate camper! I haven't told him about that bit, he just knows we're having cake in the van so I'm going to decorate it before he gets up on the day and I am intending to go very overboard! We're quite into making our own little books about the things we do at the moment so I'm going to do little books up afterwards with pictures of all the fun and give copies to his little friends who are coming. Hopefully there will be cake left for me as well! Might buy two :) It does feel nice to have some good things to focus on for a change.
In other news - have checked finances and I reckon we can still pull off moving next month, assuming the little place I have my eye on comes good. Should know more within the next couple of weeks but at the moment things are generally looking promising all round.
Thinking of you and your d's, Lighter, sending love and good wishes in your direction xx
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Tupp:
We have lots of support, and good T collaborating with dd, school, and MD so hoping everything has best possible outcome with economy of motion.
Have new lead on Lyme's Disease treatment....... traditional methods so far not working very well. Will see, then move to another approach.
We're on the tail end of 20 IV chelation treatments for heavy metals toxicity in dd, and still working on metabolic syndrome for her. Thank God she tolerates needles, and swallowing supplements with little trouble.
So far the best approach for the over the top inflammation has been supplements and ZERO gluten/sugar/Dairy.... I mean not a piece of fruit-not a blueberry, or a tic tac ZERO SUGAR.
Goodness..... very tough, but it really makes a difference with regard to clearer thinking, and reduction of inflammation. HUGE. I wish we had access to the nutritionist/holistic doc we had the best results with, but she's two States away. Part of the trouble is sorting out what symptoms are caused by the Lyme's and what are aren't. Different in everyone.
Back to the party..... I used to love love love making little books with the kids. I wish I could see pics, Tupp.
Have fun, and make sure you get some cake. ARRRRGH: )
Lighter
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Tupp:
We have lots of support, and good T collaborating with dd, school, and MD so hoping everything has best possible outcome with economy of motion.
Have new lead on Lyme's Disease treatment....... traditional methods so far not working very well. Will see, then move to another approach.
We're on the tail end of 20 IV chelation treatments for heavy metals toxicity in dd, and still working on metabolic syndrome for her. Thank God she tolerates needles, and swallowing supplements with little trouble.
So far the best approach for the over the top inflammation has been supplements and ZERO gluten/sugar/Dairy.... I mean not a piece of fruit-not a blueberry, or a tic tac ZERO SUGAR.
Goodness..... very tough, but it really makes a difference with regard to clearer thinking, and reduction of inflammation. HUGE. I wish we had access to the nutritionist/holistic doc we had the best results with, but she's two States away. Part of the trouble is sorting out what symptoms are caused by the Lyme's and what are aren't. Different in everyone.
Back to the party..... I used to love love love making little books with the kids. I wish I could see pics, Tupp.
Have fun, and make sure you get some cake. ARRRRGH: )
Lighter
Oh Lighter, that needle in a haystack approach to health problems is so difficult, the energy involved in trying different things and constantly monitoring/checking to see what works and what doesn't, particularly when they involve lifestyle changes like zero sugar - it's in so many things that we munch on without even thinking that's a sugary snack but it is terribly bad for you, I know here in the UK sugar causes more health problems than tobacco now and I expect the situation is similar in the States. I'm glad you've got some good people around you and glad your D has you to help her through all of this. I'm keeping my fingers crossed things improve :)
I am very excited about the party, too! Have started buying pirate themed decorations and plates etc, I bought a pirate ship pinyata and we're going to make the hats and a birthday banner to go across the front of the van :) I'm posting the invitations today (they've already said they're coming but I used to love party invitations as a kid so I thought we'd still do it officially :) ) and we've still got a few weeks to go so I can get the other things we need bit by bit. It's actually stopped raining for the first time since Christmas so I'm hoping to get some work done on the van in the next couple of weeks so it might not be quite so rusty by the time his birthday comes around :) I'll keep rooting for your lovely one for her health to pick up - am I right in thinking you can make sugar free cakes? I seem to remember reading somewhere about some good recipes although can't remember where now.
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Hi Tupp:
Sounds like the party will be everything your ds could want it to be.
Time to care for all the small details...... no rushing, or missing things you thought were important.
You're such a good mom.
Lighter
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I realised I have been creating new threads as things have come up and, thanks to all of you, have got a lot of things resolved (or at least better understood).
Lighter, I liked what I read about your japanese de-cluttering book and how things should bring us joy and we shouldn't hold on to them if they don't. I think I am starting to apply that to friends and to my habits. I do a lot out of duty, I think, and for the sake of being 'nice'.
I have jettisoned a few friends recently, and one of my sisters, and I think that has been the right thing to do. I don't particularly enjoy spending time with them any more. I have realised that I want to cherish my very good friends and not have my time or energy taken up by people who sap my spirit! I've realised as well that I've got 'small dose' friends, whose company I do enjoy for a little while every now and again but not for endless hours and that's okay. I've realised I can sometimes be a moody cow and it's alright, and that I can hang out with someone even if I don't agree with everything they say. I can even say I disagree - that's been a bit of a revelation! So I'm practising these new found skills and trying to be a bit less intense about relationships and just go with the flow a bit more, whilst also not letting others drag me down or take up too much of my time.
I've been seeing the homeopath, acupuncturist and osteopath regularly and I can feel it helping. I'm also trying to keep my diet healthy, meditate every day and do a bit of yoga and/or walking, gardening or something that involves moving around outside.
I've one room to finish decorating and hopefully will be able to do that over the weekend. The paperwork is all organised, everything's filed and labelled in pretty folders. I've a big pile of stuff to either burn or shred and I'm working my way through it.
My son's health is still up and down; we're focusing on rest, diet and small amounts of daily exercise. We're trying to enjoy each day and take it as it comes. Life is moving at a slower, more leisurely pace and I like it.
All in all things are good and moving in the right direction :)
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Tupp:
Reading your post..... uit felt like you're floating gently down a river.
You know the water may slow down, or speed up, or get choppy, but for right now.....
things are calm.
Breath.
Pay attention to how you're feeling.
This is your time to discover who you are, and what makes Tupp happy.
Lighter
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Hugs to you ((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))
and much gentle comfort to your ((((((son))))) (dunno if a huge hug from a total stranger would go down terribly well!) :)
Love to you,
Hops
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Lighter, it does feel calm at the moment, it's funny, I'm not used to it! But I like it, the floating down the river analogy is very apt. Has your throbbing head settled down yet? I guess if you're waking up bits of the brain and getting new connections going there must be some sensations that aren't usually there. I hope it settles a bit soon xx
Thanks, Hops! All hugs appreciated, I'll take the ones my son's not keen on and give him a high five instead, I think they mean the same in teenage language ;) xx
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Yes, Tupp. My brain isn't throbbing any more, but I haven't really been busy with difficult tasks yet.
Ack.... just writing that made it twitch... tip top of my head.
I think today will be a better day. Yesterday was pretty much non stop throbbing, and last night it hurt more to bend over which wasn't the case all day.... sort of like having a hangover, which I detest enough to never drink too much.
I think I'll do some tapping today.
Lighter
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Yes, Tupp. My brain isn't throbbing any more, but I haven't really been busy with difficult tasks yet.
Ack.... just writing that made it twitch... tip top of my head.
I think today will be a better day. Yesterday was pretty much non stop throbbing, and last night it hurt more to bend over which wasn't the case all day.... sort of like having a hangover, which I detest enough to never drink too much.
I think I'll do some tapping today.
Lighter
I hope it eases off soon, I guess it means 'something' is working, although that's not always comforting if it's making you feel rotten! Hope you feel better soon x
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You know Tupp.....
Ive gone from
"Gee, I wonder if this is all hocus pocus in my head stuff",
to
"Holy Cow what have I done, did we do too much, is there damage?!?"
::sigh::
But you're right.... I can't dispute SOMETHING is going on in my brain, and that's a very good thing, bc I'm counting on it; )
Lighter
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You know Tupp.....
Ive gone from
"Gee, I wonder if this is all hocus pocus in my head stuff",
to
"Holy Cow what have I done, did we do too much, is there damage?!?"
::sigh::
But you're right.... I can't dispute SOMETHING is going on in my brain, and that's a very good thing, bc I'm counting on it; )
Lighter
I think sometimes if you wake something up - physically, emotionally, mentally, whichever way it is - it can be a bit like getting pins and needles, you know when your arm's gone to sleep and it's painful while everything wakes up again? I think something like that can happen with any sort of change, whichever part of you it's in, but I do hope it settles down a bit soon, I find that things like that really take all of my focus and I find it hard to concentrate on anything else. Hopefully it will settle down soon x
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Tupp:
One day during the treatment my face was tingling... not in a pleasant way either.
I think things have settled down now.
Lighter
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Tupp....have you seen this?
https://www.gov.uk/government/news/coercive-or-controlling-behaviour-now-a-crime
Hopefully it won't be relevant in your current life, but.... it's good to see progress is being made.
Lighter
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Glad your head has settled a bit, Lighter - head misbehaving is difficult to deal with. Did post a while ago but it seems to not be there so I must have pressed the wrong button or something :)
Have seen the new legislation, yes, am hoping not to have to use it but it is handy to know these various bits and pieces are available if the situation arises.
We are leaving in approximately six weeks :)
I am so excited I can't tell you. We're going on a three week touring holiday in our campervan between homes, so I'll be loading my stuff into storage and our lovely cat is going to stay with a local lady who runs a luxury cattery. I've not had a proper holiday for twenty years and my son has never had one. We do get away but it's usually for two, three or four nights. With short breaks, it doesn't really feel like a break. There's so much to do before you go that I find I don't usually start to unwind until day three and then we're usually on our way home again. I can't tell you how happy I feel to know that when we load our camper up and drive away from here it will be the last time we ever see the place :) And I'm very excited to just head off; we've not planned or booked anything, we've got everything we need in our little camper so we can just mooch around wherever the road takes us. I honestly cannot wait.
Am on the last bit of decorating, most of our stuff is packed so from here on in it really is just little bits and pieces to sort out. I feel like I've got the to the top of an enormous mountain and there's a beautiful place to enjoy and a lovely, easy descent to follow.
In slightly less joyful news, my mum has been creating all sorts of problems for my sister. It is astonishing that someone can put so much energy into causing people pain and anguish (she never tried this hard to make us happy) and that she is so incredibly incapable of seeing what she's doing or even doing anything about it, I think. Out of five children they have only one that is in contact with them, which is the one my mum is now working hard to rip apart and destroy. Fortunately my sister has a good husband who saw straight through my mum the first time he met her. We are going to visit my sister on our adventure trip, and her in-laws (who I've met once for about half an hour) have offered us their house if we get tired of being in the van, plus the use of their washing machine/computer or anything else we might need. My own mum didn't offer me a bed even when we were homeless and we're literally going to be sleeping in our car). I am being very careful to be supportive but not to enable :) I think I am finally getting the hang of it.
Overall I feel so incredibly fortunate that I have had two very good therapists to help me unravel my mind, I've had this wonderful board, (Thank you, Dr G, and everyone on here), various people over the years (acupuncturist, homeopath, osteopath and others) who have helped sort out all the physical problems that I am quite sure had emotional roots, as well as my little cluster of very good friends and sometimes complete strangers just saying or doing something lovely. I feel very fortunate that the people I don't want in my life have, for the most part, left me in peace and it is so very, very nice to be feeling positive and to be feeling excited about the future instead of scared. I had forgotten how nice that feels :)
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FIVE, I counted!
Five :D in a Tupp message!
This is such a happy thing to see, Tupp.
I'm so very very glad for you.
JOYFUL holiday!
love to you,
Hops
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Hi Tupp:
Reading your post feels like you're embarking on high adventure with sea spray and safe harbors along the way, but on land of course; )
New, and exciting days for you and ds.
This trip will be all about smelling the roses...... having what you need...... stretching your legs, and exploring.
Don't forget to put together an exploration kit with you that might include a magnifying glass, band aids, sunscreen, bug spray, anti itch cream, benadryl, advil, nuts, granola bars, water, and a towel. Having one of those pocket tools on you might be a good idea.
I'm very excited for you, ((Tupp!))
Light
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Bon Voyage, Tupps!
Sounds like a great idea - to go exploring on the way to settling in to a new place - from a number of different perspectives for both you and your son. Been doing some of that myself and it DOES change "something", for me. I dunno exactly what that something is; what to call it. S'ok... as long as it's different. ;)
Do heed Lighter's advice about always carrying certain things in your purse/pockets/backpack... things HAPPEN all by themselves and you just never know when you'll need some basic gear. (See: old lady locking herself out of her cabin near the middle of the night in sweatpants & slippers in the midst of wild unfamiliar woods...)
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Bon Voyage, Tupps!
(See: old lady locking herself out of her cabin near the middle of the night in sweatpants & slippers in the midst of wild unfamiliar woods...)
Did you do that, Amber? :shock:
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Hops, Lighter, Skep, thank you :) I am feeling excited and alive for the first time in such a long time. Van is already stocked with emergency essentials! I'm a bit of an emergency fiend, comes from finding myself in a number of difficult situations over the years and thinking "if only I had that with me" :)
Skep if that was you that got locked out of the cabin I hope you got back in fairly quickly! Some adventures are not that exciting.
I have had some negative responses to my plan which has just made me more certain that I am doing the right thing in leaving and not coming back! I've survived years of emotional and sexual abuse, a good decade or so of drug and alcohol abuse, numerous unhealthy relationships with unsavoury characters, being homeless more than once, seven separate malicious allegations of child abuse, a decade of sitting indoors on my own, three stays on a psych ward and fourteen years of providing 24 hour care to a disabled child and three of my 'friends' think I'm taking a big risk by going on holiday for three weeks! Ha ha! People are funny :) I can't wait. I'm really looking forward to just going and seeing where we end up each day, I've not enjoyed that level of freedom for a very long time and I am going to savour every minute (and try not to eat too much ice cream!) x