Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: sKePTiKal on December 21, 2015, 10:33:19 AM
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Just between you and me, I'm kinda bored with myself - picking at my scabs and sticking sharp sticks in my eye, crying - what I'm "going through" is complicated. Grieving, sure - but there is much to do that requires one's wits about them. The more complicated bit, is the identity crisis and realizing that I can, after all these years - "suit myself" in decision making and not consider anyone else's feelings or opinions if I don't want to (and yeah, I'll probably want to... those minions I have, all express themselves verbosely... so they'll be a bit taken aback by the new assertiveness). I've always been one half of the decision; there's always been someone else to allow for in the process. This is "something completely different".
Thursday will be a month. And I've almost got the upstairs - where we mainly live - all cleared out and cleaned up. Still some books & dvds; library stuff to deal with. It's not hurting anything to leave it for now. Ready to rock & roll on estate/probate stuff after the holidays; I was in a tizzy to get stuff started before then, last week, but talked myself out of it. We're not "big city" here. Christmas is a weeks long observation with many activities and parties, etc. People are leaving me alone because they're so busy and outta "respect", because I've said I'm just fine. I need this time to just re-group and relax about it. Started dreaming about him. And some adopted "father figures" in my life too. I'm not under a deadline to deal with this.
My one D needs to be told in no uncertain terms that I don't want HER company; - the problematic one - who got told yesterday, since she's going to be 40 next year - I don't wanna be anyone's "mom" anymore. I told her she needs to be "mom". She doesn't quite get that our relationship needs to change and needs to rebuilt after 20+ years of lying & betrayal & even abandoning mom and it doesn't just magically become "ok" without work. Her sister & I have tried; but we got told to piss up a rope. And now it's all supposed to be bygones???? And she hasn't worked to heal it. At all. Just more of the same. I'm willing to write it all off as a lost cause until it's proven otherwise. And I'm not upset or hurt about it anymore - just tired of it. I just DON'T CARE that much anymore.
My mom is the same type; yes - she's tried to follow the forms of being nice, caring - and I'm more than willing to take what I can get; with the caveat that I know it's a trap. And sure 'nuff, the trap is she wants to live with me so I can "help her" with all her "stuff". LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOOLLLL... uh. NO. I'm dealing with Michael's STUFF. And he's not here to tell me I can't throw "that" away - when it's just some toy from a happy meal, from 15 years ago.
I am getting bursts of energy. I really got a lot accomplished over the weekend. And I've done some "fun" stuff like decorate the kitchen table for Christmas... found a cable channel that plays nothing but westerns! And there is something so comforting about all those men running around, making decisions, taking charge and riding in to rescue damsels in distress. It's old-fashioned, traditional, and a complete fantasy - LOL. It works, for now.
I'm finding new routines - and keeping some of the comforting old ones around for now too. Still a work in progress to get to my "self care" stuff... it still doesn't feel natural to not be the step-sister Cinderella; the one the fairy godmother creates just feels "wrong". So, looking for a compromise there. Mike helped me find one, once... so it's do-able. I just have to consider it important enough to make time for it.
I'll have more time, if I don't have so much I'm "taking care of". Push has come to shove about this house. I'm hiring as much help as I can stand, I'm repairing/replacing what needs to be taken care of... and I'm selling. There's the new cabin in the mountains. It was a compromise between hubs & me. It's not really what I wanted and my favorite furniture isn't going to fit in there - much less my books, sewing/art stuff... etc. I may turn that over as well and simply look for something more along the lines of what I WANT, this time. Looking at real estate is a lot more fun than watching the news.
I'm throwing darts at maps to see what might tempt me, as far as location.
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Hear, hear.
YOUR life, YOUR peace and YOUR place.
Don't rush it and remember, as brittle as you may feel sometimes, you are not alone in the world.
There are kind people with healing vibes to be found everywhere, and you can go forth safely.
You are safe. You will be okay.
Self care is essential, not a hobby...you can get used to it, promise.
And you don't have to do anything perfectly. Ever.
love to you,
Hops
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sKeP:
I vote you find a new place, just your own, and sell the others.
Whatever it is you think you want..... that's what you should do.
::sending you the perseverence to carry on self care until it feels right::
Lighter
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So, agonizing over the decision to file an estate tax return or not. Of all things. It's advantage me & the kids, if I do and doesn't really hurt things if I don't. And on the plus side - I have someone who will do it for me. After looking through all the formal instructions, dos and don'ts - I think I'm going to just leave it in the hands of the experts. I don't want to think about what I don't have to think about, right now.
What I'm trying to think about instead, is if I've left any stone unturned about where, what & who I want to be when I "grow up". Is there anything I haven't explored enough to know if I'd go back to it or not? What are the common threads that have continued through my various "lives"? Is there enough in those, to base another iteration on? What have I not considered a possibility and why? Are those premises for rejection, still true?
Things that have followed me, through those various lives:
reading, writing, art work
growing things and a strong connection to "place"
textiles & sewing
people I care about and vice versa; spending time with them - just being
designing and building rational dwellings/homesteads
Things that I gave up, rejected, or was otherwise convinced was not a good fit:
being a cowgirl
holding salons full of self-satisfied, artificially witty, legends in their own minds, intellectuals
becoming a nun
being a scientist, or nurse, herbalist/healer, or doctor
travelling to and living in exotic places (my fascination with the exotic just up & disappeared)
oh, and rockstar by the pool drink in hand... after a couple years of that, when people had to go work and couldn't come visit... it got boring and tiresome. Fun times, but not when you do it all the time.
My T had me list 10 things I'd always wanted, back when I started therapy. I couldn't come up with 10. But one, was live by the water - ok, check that off the list. This place was something both of us wanted to do, so we did it - because we could afford to. I expected to have a lot more help maintaining it from him than I had. And even when he wasn't desperately ill, I was getting the idea he just wasn't into that. By myself, it's a constant on-going battle that I simply don't want to spend all my time on.
Instead, I want to: __________________.
I'm beginning to think about whether I want another man in my life. Or not. The standards keep going up every single time I engage this human exercise of "pairing up". And it usually takes something from me, too. Maybe I'll just get a dog.
LOL.
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What a fabulous process to be in. Despite the parallel grief.
I hope you can hold each idea lightly and dance with them all, unless one settles more than the others on your palm and says, Hello,
how about me? This feels good. But it's okay if you change your mind.
There will be no punishment.
Even from pointy-headed, artificially witty intellectuals who need to be taken down a peg.
But that'd take energy.
love
Hops
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Ya know, Hops... I was thinking of a lot of my D's friends in her korass. Hipsters and Hollywood types, now. (She is part of the special effects crew for House of Cards, the Netflix series.) They are great fun to play with (for me) in small doses. I used to think that was the epitome of "making it" in the creative world.
LOL.
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Amber:
I'm trying to cultivate the habit of holding something/decision/choice in my mind, and listening to how it feels.
Does it feel lighter, or heavier for me?
Usually it goes one way or the other, not always the way I think it will.
Lighter
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Lighter, I've used that technique for awhile now. But have run up against something that's getting in the way. I think maybe just time will fix it; there isn't any other solution, really.
That is: I don't trust myself enough to make smart decisions. Part of the benefit of being in a relationship is having someone to talk things through with; their viewpoints/druthers; all that makes for a better decision and better understanding of the decision overall, IMO. I need someone to critique and see the things I'm missing; someone to validate; and someone to "what if..." with.
At the root of this, is that it still feels taboo - a sin against the "way things are supposed to be" - to simply know what I want and decide to go do that. To just suit myself - and to hell with what anyone else thinks, wants, or is afraid will happen to me. My "job", if you will, is to see the other half of "my brain"; the other person... gets enough of what he wants/needs. You could say my autonomy has atrophied over the years of being in relationships. It needs some rehab.
And in particular - I'm seeking male input/validation. Approval, perhaps. Someone to challenge my preconceived notions and settling for "whatever I can get" - instead of seeking a higher standard. Competitiveness was a part of my relationship with hubs; but not mean spirited - it didn't matter who "won" - what mattered was how that challenge was "played". At the end of the day - no matter the frustrations or perceived insults - we still loved each other just the way we are; warts & all.
Part of my brain is trying to tell me, that I could've altered the facts of what happened. I keep kicking it's butt, too. Because how this all happened was Mike's choice; I felt like a nag as it was - suggesting he see a doctor. For YEARS, even before we moved. We had discussed it all in depth. Several times. He chose not to and only acquiesced at the end, because we all ganged up on him. And he lived his worst nightmare of tests, tubes, and hospitals. And once we were able to make him comfortable and safe at home - he had his exit plan all lined up. He told me one day, even through not being able to talk clearly, that he was NOT a piece of furniture! I think that meant, that he felt like he was - because literally, there was almost nothing he could do for himself. He hated that; absolutely could not bear it. And it hurt him to see how tired I was too, even with the night nurses helping.
I don't know what that nasty, finger-pointing part of my brain is or why it exists in me. It's evil. It's not "conscience", as my mother still tries to tell me. I sure as hell didn't do anything wrong. But having to deal with it, and with the lack of some brain-storming partner who will let me talk things out... is getting me stuck. Stuck is bad; stuck is deer in the headlights; stuck is... well, dead in the water. No power; no energy; no directional rudders; no compass - just drifting. Ack.
So, I'm flailing a bit. Looking for purchase; some traction and something to grab onto and pull myself out of this.
Because I built a homestead, with Ex#2 - and because the past few years I found myself trying to replicate some aspects of that here at the beach (and conditions are the worst they can be for that), I'm on a couple of forums for that kind of thing. Those folks are hearing me say I'm lonely, is the latest feedback. Except, I really don't want to be around people. I like the amount of space I have, that I only share with the cat. I don't want to have to interact -- yet here I am -- looking for that connection. And over there - looking for validation and things I didn't think about re: the cabin that I haven't spent 24 hours in yet.
Do you suppose it's possible to want two mutually exclusive things at once? Unconsciously and subconsciously? And maybe even what passes for consciousness? (yeah, that's three - but who's counting???)
Yep; flailing. I guess this will pass too.
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Do you suppose it's possible to want two mutually exclusive things at once?
Yes.
Maybe you're expecting too much of yourself at this time? Maybe give yourself some time to adjust to your new reality. Maybe just ride the current wave as it takes you up and down and in and out. At some point, the waters will calm and you will find your new "self".
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There's a lady on another forum, Skep, who advises other people on dealing with grief and she suggests that important decisions should be delayed for at least a year after losing someone, because our feelings change so much and what we want/need keeps changing. Obviously sometimes things can't be delayed for that long, depending on the situation but anyway, it popped into my head when I was reading so thought I would mention it :) x
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Do you suppose it's possible to want two mutually exclusive things at once? Unconsciously and subconsciously? And maybe even what passes for consciousness? (yeah, that's three - but who's counting???)
Yep; flailing. I guess this will pass too.
Amber:
Maybe you're choosing other people and things simply by not choosing to fill your life with the people you already know?
Maybe you're making space for something you want creating wide open spaces in your life, and learning how to feel comfortable in them before the new folks show up?
That's a lesson too. Learning to feel comfortable in our own skin, by ourselves. Learning how to BE in new situations, and on our own.
Learning how to listen to discomfort, and just let it BE without moving in to FIX it with old habits and solutions that frankly aren't working any longer.
I think you're going through a huge growth phase, and that all growth is painful.
Pain is often a messenger we shouldn't fear, or avoid..... we can just sit and pay attention to it for a while. Try new things on, and see how it responds.
Choosing not to be around the people you already know doesn't mean you prefer to be alone, Amber.... I don't see it that way at all.
I think all your experiences have made you into a bit of a.... errr..... a heroic giant.
::nodding::
Sometimes giants feel different or out of place around regular people, and sometimes what would suit them isn't what the general population thinks they want or what the giant should want, IMO.
I think you do want companionship. I think you need to choose another family, and that it will take time to figure out.
Don't fear, or assume.... just sit and listen to what comes up. Journal. Keep reaching out to others, and paying attention.
Egads.... Hops could have written that with fewer words, but that's what I think. I know you know all this, but sometimes it's hard to apply it to ourselves when we're confused.
Lighter
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A comedian said it in waaaaay fewer words than I could.
Just saw this the other day...
Pain is knowledge rushing in to fill a gap.
Jerry Seinfeld
(Who knew?)
Hops
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Well, damn. Who knew there were so many gaps?
:shock:
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I am human Swiss cheese.
I am gaps knit together with angel floss.
I am an architect of the gaps.
I live with chronic gaposis.
I embrace my gaps like a high-wire artist connects with th....whoops!
Much of life is not solid. I think accepting the gaps and the limits of our reach
is a good thing.
Massive self compassion. You don't owe yourself or anyone else prescience
or massive competence. You just don't.
love to you,
Hops
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December was a rough month, to put it mildly.
My "present" became the "past" in that month, and I had to make that transition kicking and screaming, it seems. End of November was pure shock, I think. But I had enough adrenalin, momentum and my whole existence revolved around his physical needs, long enough - that I sailed through those first few weeks. Following seas and all that.
I've been disconnected from the sentimental side of the holidays, long enough that it wasn't much of a factor; compared to "OK, he's not coming back. What do I do now?" I think what was said about making space in house, for "me", was spot on. Been cleaning carpet in the master & sitting room - my office, and what was supposed to be my tai chi practice space. Removing the stuff I kept just because he liked it. "Editing" things down to what functions, what feels balanced (in my own little universe of aesthetics). I co-opted his sink top for my stuff. His office has had piles of paper sorted & recycled or added to the shred bin. His closets downstairs have been emptied out (and that floor now looks like a hoarder's yard sale) - so I can remove stuff that has only been taking up space and isn't used; just things he "had to have". His legos can stay; Logan is at the age he's entertained for hours with them - and Harper is old enough now, that I can donate the baby toys in that closet.
I hit a brick wall of resistance to doing the paperwork necessary for probate, and for the cpa. Just couldn't go there. Untangling Mike's way of organizing, doing things... and making them make sense to me and everyone else... blech. But I'm almost done. Should be able to email one file today, and the cpa doesn't need the other one till after 4/15. Have to follow up with health insurance; that might be all tangled up because I don't seem to speak the same language as government bureaucrats.
Bunch of little things and errands to do this week; getting a massage today. Maybe stop at the grocery for some fresh salad ingredients. I made myself a little roast with onions, carrots & potatos yesterday. The house smelled so good.
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Ohhhh....comfort food.
A roast. Caramelize on stove top, and deglazed with Chardonnay. Roast till tender.... I just throw carrots on top whole.... little thin ones. So pretty. Arugula with pears, goat cheese, nuts and light balsamic is favorite salad right now.
I'm glad to read you're enjoying comfort food, getting massage and slogging through stuff/paperwork despite resistance, Amber. It's one foot in front of the other. Eventually you'll turn around and wonder what to do with all the empty space.
(((sKeP)))
I'm sorry things have been so tough.
Lighter
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Accomplishments this week:
- One closet's superflous contents have been removed from the house; permanently.
- Legal/financial stuff under control and everything accounted for. Finally.
- Process of dividing contents of the closet that was stuffed head-high (into the emptied closet), sorting, re-organizing, etc underway.
After my early morning lawyer's appt yesterday, I simply didn't have the momentum to work down there yesterday. Kind of bounced around online, wasted time being a slug. Looking for entertainment, mostly. Tired of thinking.
This morning I had a dream. In the dream, I was awakened by a noise...
It was very dark in the house - as if the power was off. Noise coming from the living/great room. I have to head that way to get to the safe, but I have always been one to get up and go investigate, regardless. Which I did. And found Michael. I made coffee as we chatted... and he was solid enough for me to wack him playfully on the butt as we headed to the porch, where we watched the sun come up. Play-acting irritated, about him leaving me. But as the sun rolled up over the horizon... the more he faded. I noticed the color draining out of his ocean-blue eyes, mostly. Of course, I was distraught and wanted to know if he would be able to come visit again; that I really missed having him to talk to. The last thing I was left with, as I began to wake up for real, was that I didn't have to be afraid; there was plenty of time for me to do what needs to be done here and choose what is next for me. And he wants me to take care of myself; protect myself. Have some fun and not work ALL the time.
And then he faded away in the morning light. And I woke up.
And I'm retracing my steps in the dream, looking for any trace; any sensation of his presence around the house. Dammit. That's sticking a sharp stick in my eye.
I've been resisting and avoiding the downstairs quite successfully, since Christmas. Not that I've contributed anything constructive to mankind as a result. And I've had some glimpses of the real reason why. As long as that mess is there, he is still a pain in my ass -- and I can yell at him, shake my head, try to reason with him -- as I choose what I will keep out of all of that. I don't want to let the relationship's attributes go away along with his reality; I'm desperately clinging (emotionally) onto any bit of him, that I can. Even if it was one of our long-standing power struggle things. And unfortunately dealing with the long-standing accumulation of "stuff" is one of those things. As I begin to make progress there -- it's as if I'm shutting down, saying goodbye, ending the relationship... along with his corporeal existence. I let him win that struggle in the relationship; it just wasn't worth the constant butting heads. But he constantly breached every single boundary I allowed for his "stuff", just in sheer quantity. This isn't what I wanted from him; I didn't want to "win" this way. I wanted him to care about what I cared about. Maybe that's always too much to ask.
The conundrum is that the more I cling; the more often I feel sad. I've left one picture of him, and his box of glasses, jewelry, watches etc in the master. I had to have the space I sleep, swept clear, to find the path from past, to present, to future. I had a real clear shift, when I could say: he died last year. Last year, clearly being "past". That opened up a lot of energy to move forward.
So, I don't care how I feel in the process. Today I have to get another "chunk" done downstairs.
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Oh, Amber.
What a stunning dream. I am speechless and my heart goes out to you.
You are so admirable. You are doing all of this PERFECTLY.
There is no grade. Anywhere. Ever.
This is all a pass-fail course and you passed long ago.
With love,
Hops
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Thanks Hopsy.
It's funny; I think for the first time I've realized that a relationship is separate; has a life of it's own; beyond the 2 people involved. Seems like thinking about it that way, sure explains a LOT. ;)
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Some things I'm going to ponder for a bit...
Where does confidence in oneself come from? Where does an accurate, truthful assessment of oneself come from? (Is that even possible?) There is a distinct difference, in the kind of nurturing of a child that comes from a mother and a father. What is the essence of that difference? And if both of them are warped personality types, how many ways can that go wrong in a kid's perception of him or herself?
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Ya, so in processing the grief over Michael and the million ways my life is, and is going to be - different - now... I think I've ripped the scabs off an unresolved bit of Twiggy's old grief. The part about my Dad's leaving; about how he couldn't deal with my mom either and chose to act badly to try to irrigate the pain out of him. How he acted out, without restraint; a wounded animal in pain.
Feeling a tad retraumatized... and really critical of myself for letting it get to me in that way, too. Sigh.
Being vulnerable and captive to one's own emotions and weird thought patterns and the story of oneself is a serious pain in the ass. When there is stuff that NEEDS to be done. Already addressing some of my newly-adapted routines that would only contribute to not working my way through that; changing them again... like Goldilocks looking for the "just right". There are just some things we do, that while it seems like a good idea at the time, really do NOT help in the long run, to make any progress through the process.
And if it doesn't help, then I have no time nor space for it, right now. That might sound a little Spartan... LOL... but it's always helped me to clear the "monkey mind" of all it's chatter and distraction and "name" the reality and things I have going for me when I feel like I'm completely adrift on an emotional sea. And then go backwards toward the trauma - and re-examine it from my "solid platform"; and forwards - into what I want to create from this moment in time.
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((((((((((((Amber)))))))))))))
You asked how you can find an accurate, realistic self assessment...and then the next post referred to the early trauma.
I think both issues can be answered with the very same thing. Compassion.
Compassion plus paradox tolerance. Self assessment is never totally accurate or realistic. That's not what humans are. We use logic and language -- sometimes with enormous clarity and confidence -- to approximate who we are, to describe in one way or another what we are experiencing. Sometimes we have insights that add a great deal of relief and perception.
But I think attitude to self (the feeling process of the self-querying) is more important than result (a personal MBTI). I think you discover new layers and new clarity about who you are because of how your own inquiry feels, more than because of the answers it produces. So, if you are approaching yourself with kindness and curiosity (compassion), what wells up will be real and come from a deeper part of the self that is unafraid to come into the open.
If you are approaching yourself with anger for not having a tidy outline or accurate personality summary from which to proceed, then your deeper self might sense punishment looming, and stay hidden beneath the falls.
Then again, I approach stuff from a pretty metaphorical standpoint and lack the gifts of acute focus and pragmatism that you have and that I so admire. So maybe I'm not offering helpful perspective so much as just speaking from my own personality.
I am wondering if the question about an accurate assessment of the self is in a way, an effort to take charge of the decision-making you face, about where to move and what to do?
That would make total sense to me. And you know, the analytical approach is also a path and a way to approach it if that process feels trustworthy for you. I don't necessarily believe that my meandering, janey-one-note, and ADD-flitting and poet-flopping is useful in your unique and painful situation.
But I'll stick to my one-note: compassion for you, in all you are going through. In every day, when fears or sorrow or questions about the future rise up. The kind answer, the voice that offers loving, paradox-tolerant self-exploration to Amber...that's the one to listen to.
Your existence is a delight. (Not that it's feeling that way; just that it's a fact to the universe that there is more delight because you exist.) Your capacity for joy is not gone. And your talents are ridiculous. You have a good life ahead.
Just be kind to yourself as you ask yourself questions. The kindest answer may not be precise. But you'll feel the difference.
love to you,
Hops
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Wise Hops.
This is an echo of some other advice received recently.
And seriously? I think compassion (of a mystical nature, along with the human kind) might just be the thing "missing" that runs like a thread through all the tight, painful, horrifying to admit & talk about places. Notable in it's absence.
The whole "survivor guilt" trip always entails a sense of failure to meet expectations, self-blame, over-responsibility and that strange demand that comes from ego, I guess, that we MUST be strong enough, smart enough, enduring enough... to overcome - whatever. Ego is still/always misled about the ability of people to be "more than human"; a self-announced expert on the matter - still/always - LOL.
Now, paradox tolerance is a new one on me. Is this a coping strategy for cognitive dissonance? Is it another way to describe what I discovered about either/or choices... and "and statements"?
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I think another way to look at what I meant by paradox tolerance is how a pendulum works. Or a compass.
(Kindly do NOT think of Edgar Allen Poe... :))
Before it settles on true north, the compass needle will point one way, then another, swing some, before finding the right direction. Like a pendulum and the same as a dowsing rod, if you believe in what happens there.
Just that if you are too untrusting about it, you'll say when searching for direction through precise self-assessment,
now I've got it! I'm a this!
And then two days later if your mood shifts or a different insight rises, you'll say, but I thought I had it! I was wrong, I'm a that. And then, if compassion's not monitoring, you'll be angry at yourself for not nailing it all down "accurately."
Self-compassion helps you allow for the rods and pendulums and moods and insights to swing and sway. It's how they work. And it'll also help you avoid spiraling into a lot of self-blame for this naturally uneven process.
Having one insight, then another, which in the moment (or week or month) my appear contradictory or illogical...compassion for self will help you trust that this truly is okay. And it's maybe not your acquired customary reflex, so it may feel different but it's GOOD to maintain compassionate curiosity toward yourself while things swing toward their right balance....
....That's what I meant by paradox tolerance.
My mantra: never use 10 words when 1000 would do...sheesh. :shock:
love to you
Hops
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I think I understand what you mean, Hops. No matter how many words... LOL... you might forget: I'm the verbose one. Instead of anger at myself first, more often, I set up a spiral into a crisis of self-confidence; practically an existential crisis. Then the anger at self, sets in. That fear we spoke of... to me relates to a fear that I'm just so messed up; damaged so completely (despite all the work to the contrary) - that I've become an untethered soul desperately in search of.... something... to anchor it and give it meaning and purpose. Sort of the "need to be needed" thing.
When I'm centered in my head all the time (because of that fear) - that logic/rationality center - I tend to intentionally (try to) tune out all the emotional stuff going on, that is certainly valid proof of my existence (ie, a lot of times it hurts) and I think after a time, all that emotion builds up into a small, second "being" or manifestation of me. It has it's own voice. My emotional being is like a tornado of shit; a shitstorm that I hide from everyone (it's embarrassing; and I've been told many ways that's it's also immature and somehow not appropriate for an experienced, educated person, and no one wants to be around that storm - they don't want to get any on them). It's raw, primal & unmodulated. When I am able to shift my attention-center out of my head toward the emotions, I feel the primal force of them... the being swept away by the whirlwind... see: fear above. It's hard for me to look at emotion from the "outside" to try to perceive it from somewhere other than being the helpless one at the center of the storm, at the mercy of the emotions.
Only thing I got in the toolbox right now, is to name the emotion and acknowledge it without getting sucked into it. That does work, but we're humans and we forget; get caught up in the moment; get carried away. I tend to not have much compassion for myself under those circumstances. The perfectionism thing; only this time... instead of the "not good enough" associated with Mom; it's a "don't ever give up, my kid isn't going to ever turn tail & run" associated with my Dad. The redneck, viking, good old scotch-irish appalachian genes that are famous for primal emotional outbursts. LOL. Slight conflict there.
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So, a friend suggested I work on heart chi gong. Even go so far, as to have acupuncture along with it for awhile. One, is something that I would do for myself... and the other is trusting the doc enough to do things that may help me smooth out the emotional storms. WTH? I've tried everything else so far - and if I don't see some results after giving it a fair shot - what have I lost?
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In April, Mike & I would've been together 17 years. I have FINALLY gotten the stuff that has been taking up space in the house; never used - just sitting there, because it a) old or b) cool or c) might do that "someday" - stuff that neither of us even remembered we had - GONE. And I may be able to fit the latest of his collecting obsessions into the space remaining open (and have no problem reducing the amount of that either) while still leaving me some (more) space for my stuff.
In the process, yesterday, I found letters I'd written him back then. Including a hand-written one, that explained "me" to him as accurately as if I'd written it after therapy or today. I was kinda afraid to read them, for fear of waves of emotion. Which didn't really happen. What hit me instead, was that years before therapy; years before I went through life-experiences that triggered the old fears associated with the traumatic shit-storm I survived at 12 - I already had myself pretty well pegged. Now, that was a gift of sorts. Continuity. Maybe, essence?
If I look along a timeline of my life, it's as if on some kind of cycle... I have one of these massive confidence crises, and being just slightly perfectionistic and self-critical (LOL)... I typically start picking on myself; picking myself apart for a thorough navel gazing tune-up because the problem SURELY lies with me. It HAS to be my fault; I'm not doing it right; I'm not working at it hard enough; I'm giving up and letting emotions just wash me away. And I even have all the physical stress symptoms of going through one of those trauma-reminders. Different triggers, each time...
... and this time, was Michael dying. For 2 months, I've been trying really, really hard to blame myself for this. I got close to making it stick, last week. Except it simply can't be true. I didn't make him sick; I did my BEST to get him healthy; to try to get him to go to a doc; he'd had a severe case of pneumonia and had just returned to work, right before the spark got lit between us. I think he knew he was sick - and something a nap wouldn't cure - long before we even moved here. A guy friend suggested that he pretended there was nothing wrong, to try to spare me the worry. I can't live in fairy tales. As ugly as the truth is sometimes, I would much rather deal with that. I need to deal with truth instead.
I think we both knew, that first 12 hr ordeal that separated us at the ER. It was a dark & stormy night... literally. We were both exhausted; I'd had little to eat - he'd had nothing at all; and because of all the tests would only eat 2 days out of the next week. The ER doc insisted on transferring him by ambulance that very moment and I knew I had to go home and try to sleep. I didn't sleep much. The 3 hr round trip to the big city hospital didn't help much and he said from that evening on, he just felt so alone. Even after coming home and being surrounded by us - his daughter & grandbabies, his brother; me.
NONE of the docs would call it like it was. Instead, they kept throwing out this hope and then that - while putting him through tests & biopsies where he couldn't eat or drink, thus accellerating the cahexia - weight loss syndrome - he was going through. Each and every possible treatment he was referred to, he was subsequently disqualified for, mostly because of the weight loss... and yet, you'd think I'd mentioned lawyers and malpractice and press releases... when I tried to bring up the topic of dealing with impending death or the % of weight loss over a short period of time.
I don't know if it would've helped to have everyone on the same page dealing with the truth; maybe some. That guy friend I mentioned above had just retired from 30+ years as a GP, and was a military doc before that. He let me talk a lot of that reality out. And he didn't mince words or try to put a pretty bow on the situation. He pretty much called it accurately, just from what I was able to describe to him. What that let me do, was pre-grieve a bit. Start to emotionally accept the inevitability of the reality and manage the uncertainty -- so I didn't get blindsided by that emotional tornado, by letting myself cling to the false hope from the docs. (I have compassion for them, amazingly enough - there literally wasn't anything they could do; they themselves are affected by so many patients they see at this stage every day; and there wasn't any point in trying to shake Mike out of his denial, for them.) At the same time, there was a serious disconnect between them and me - the primary caregiver and what I needed; I was a patient too, in a way. There was a lot of difference between the big-city docs and how I was treated by them - and the locals.
And Mike was different after that first ER trip; he never really came back. Just ambled on down his path of departure and everything he wanted, I couldn't give him - like a simple drink of water, because of the reality of aspiration. He'd lost so much muscle, that he couldn't swallow correctly. Talk about a conflict: denying him the simple comfort of an ounce of water... because to give it to him, would only up the probability and date with death. And being as it was pretty clear to me, the inevitability, why deny him? I denied him out of selfish reasons. I couldn't help him just let go. I didn't want to let go.
Our relationship was like the fairy-tales and something I consider myself very fortunate to have had in my life, it was real right up to the end. Even his "stuff" - he was trying to teach me how to play; have fun sometimes. He was exactly the right kind of opposite to counter my fear of being swept away (nothing bad ever happened from being swept into the relationship) and to let me explore what love really is, in the simplest terms. And when we love, no two ways around it, a person becomes dependent within that relationship; we just call that trust in that situation. Taking turns, caring for the other. He's the one who told me, boundaries should be like fences: they have gates in them. We invite some people in through the gate. So, to try to blame myself for something I didn't do... because we had the opportunity to balance each other for a good 15-16 years... is just bullshit. It is so not fair - to him, to me, to us.
And I want that particular mental tic, emotional reflex... permanently, surgically, removed. Human or not, it needs an exorcism.
And compassion might be the only way to accomplish that.
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BINGO.
BRAVO.
The entire, whole, old or current, shitstorm in all its variants has one cure...compassion.
Real compassion, aimed directly into your own heart.
Recurring self-compassion images, mantras and responses WILL make new grooves for you.
You're not doomed to anything and though grief does stir it all up, and it will settle and heal
with the help of your loving approach to yourself.
That's just it. Imo.
Perfectionism, trauma, loss, fear, inadequacy, self-blame...compassion cures them all.
What may happen when you actually are very intentionally tender, gentle, and kind
to yourself--in your inner monologue, in your choices--will be that grief will flow.
It's important to know that though grief will have its tsunami moments, it's also possible
for it to be a cleansing flow. Tears that express loss, sorrow, love and gratitude all at
once.
I think you're shifting it.
love
Hops
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Thanks Hops; I think it works.
Today's news... is that the angel who is my massage therapist, was dropping her son & his friend off for soccer practice yeseterday afternoon and was in a horrific accident. She and the friend, I just found out are stable now; but her 8 yr old son Luke, died. The gofundme has raised $5k toward their medical bills in 3 hours. But I am stunned at the amount of tragedy. Full stop.
I had heard about the accident on the local FB page yesterday and know the location well. I worried for the guys who work there; but this person was even closer to home. She even grew up close to my home town in Ohio. I was just in for a tune-up a week or so ago and all she chatted about was her son.
Just: oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh nnnnnoooooooooooo.
:crying:
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Oh, your heart.
And hers.
Unspeakable.
Hops
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For me, there is a caution in compassion - in that I can over-extend myself too much. I've had thoughts about how my friend will get home from the hospital; going to visit her just to sit with her... and basically doing too much.
That salon - and my wacky hairdresser - has been my home away from home since living here. Carol knows as much about me, as you all do. There really isn't a lot of turnover in his personnel. It's a good group of people.
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Oh, Amber....
I am so sorry about your friend's accident, and loss of her son.
So terrible.
I'm just so sorry.
(((((Amber and friend))))
Lighter
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You can't second-guess yourself about everything, hon.
Go be present for a little while, be loving, and then go home and continue taking care of yourself.
It's not on YOU to do it all (hence, there is no need to do "too much.") Whence cometh this
Roy Rogers?
She will be smothered in love and help. A whole community of which you are one part only will hold her up.
You can contribute your proportional piece without harming yourself.
Self-compassion does not mean you are reducing your compassion for others.
You don't have to prove your compassion by "out-helping" others.
Does that make sense?
love
Hops
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There is little Roy Rogers left in my outward compassion, Hops. Unless I see something obvious that others are missing. (And that's rare.)
It's more I feel surrounded by tragedy; and the losses. A fear of being swept away and drowning in that sorrow. That just like the flu, sometimes a place will have more than it's share of tragedies.
It's a real good thing, lately - that there is a whole flock of bluebirds playing in my backyard.
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I'm very sorry that RR was such an inept image, (((((((Amber))))))). ::Faceplant.::
I just heard you saying that you in some way had to leap forward to "fix this."
It's heartbreaking, what has happened to your friend. Beyond comprehension, and I can imagine how heavily it adds to the weight your heart already carries. What a sad season. I hear you.
(Just didn't want you to feel that it's on your shoulders, too.)
love to you,
Hops
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Thanks Hops. Yes, I used to be a notorious "superhero", swoop in type. I think I've really gotten that out of my system now. You couldn't have known that. No worries. One of the local house cleaning companies here, has offered to clean Carol's place for 3 months, free. Carol gets out of the hospital today - and her closer friends aren't letting her go home. She's staying with someone else. The service for her little boy is today. I absolutely have to not go; for my own good.
Others are stepping into the superhero role; I sure don't have to. All the same it's UNFATHOMABLE to me, what she must be thinking and feeling. And the guy who struck her car, too. This state has quietly and under the radar, started to accept that sometimes accidents really do happen - and no one is really at fault. The pickup driver wasn't charged; Carol didn't see him and turned in front of him; he wasn't speeding. I've turned into the same parking lot and realized before, that one needed to take an extra second to look down the road for clues about oncoming, and then don't linger making the turn. Maybe it's greenery that limits one's view; or a slight curve or hill; I can't remember now... just know it's tricky to make a turn there and it felt tense, the times I have in the past.
They've asked that any cards stress support for Carol and the community helping her to go on, instead of a message reinforcing her loss.
I can't tell if that's a good or bad thing; I think it depends on the person. And even what day it is. I got both kinds of cards. And appreciated both. I know, I would've felt really uncomfortable dealing with an outpouring of support from people I wasn't, in actuality, close to. A couple of friends here, called. One to just chat about Christmas plans and the other asked if I'd be interested in going to a move this coming week. I was happy to know that they accepted that I was OK; that boundary; and yet still took the time to reach out & let me know they cared. I accepted the movie invit, because I like her and know she's very conscious of boundaries, while still being a warm funny person. I am determined to figure out this social connection thing, and put it to rest once and for all. It's necessary for moving forward into the next adventure.
I still have moments of grieving - just melting into sheer loss. Somewhere I heard something about how people forget the sound of voices first. And I wondered which of us had made the last recording for the voice mail. LOL, it was Mike. "You must've just missed us..." is kind of ironic and funny and sad all at the same time. On another board, someone who lost her hubby after years of illness, recently received flowers from him on their anniversary. He'd set it all up ahead of time.
Just more evidence (in my warped way of seeing the world) that grief is simply an intense dose of love. Maybe it's like super-enriched, spiked compost fertilizer?? That makes yummy food and pretty flowers grow...
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Oh my gosh.
grief is simply an intense dose of love
I am humbled by this.
For all I think I know about loss and grief, this simple statement never occurred to me.
Of course it is.
And in that inexpressible way, I agree, it can be beautiful. You miss him so.
Can't say another word.
love
Hops
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Just something I think I "know" from seeing things from a Taoist point of view. It's not a common understanding, I find.
But if a person can just stop everything; shut off the brain; and wade into the emotions - I think it's visible to everyone. But that's not as easy as it sounds, sometimes. Even for me.
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I feel bad that I am not all caught up with all of this, I think I'm a slow reader :( Just read page one. Eating a frozen Belgium waffle while I read.
Consider living near to some place that has lots of art classes or art community :P
Getting a dog might be nice :)
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Garbanzo, I think about getting a dog a lot. But now is not the right moment.
Been making solid progress, every single day... then yesterday, a stupid tv issue just kind of blew my motivation out of the water. The tv just needs to go; but the logistics of that are going to be interesting; it's big and heavy... and right now, I don't have room downstair for "one more thing". I've been able to find a lot of "little things" to do for myself; and it's helping me identify my "wants"... which will help drive decisions later on. But I let that stupid tv, drag me down. Maybe I'm just tired, too. I've been getting out on a regular basis; doing things I need to do and seeing people I like and that Mike & I would hang out with. Friday, I'm driving back "home" for a long weekend (and to see snow hopefully) to hang with my girls, see my friend, and get a change of scenery. I think I need the change of scenery, since everything I see around here is all "stuff to do" - LOL.
This is going around Facebook. I'm sharing because it's something Mike and I discussed at length and in depth. Neither of us are interested in being, what he called "a science experiment" in those end days. Written from an ER doc's perspective and good food for thought. Our culture has some real neurotic hangups about death... but there is another way as described in the article. After a month of shattered hopes that Mike could get started on some kind of treatment - I started to beg the new docs to please bring up and discuss with him the facts about his situation. Gently and kindly of course... but start the conversation with "you know, you are likely dying and nothing we have in our toolkits is likely to do more than just prolong the process and the time you experience misery and separation from what is familiar to you. We can, however make you more comfortable." Why? because decisions were being made about him... and not BY HIM. Yes, I was making decisions based on my understanding from the prior discussions - but most of the time, it was the doctors with, "well we can try this surgery, or this chemo and see if we can slow down the cancer"... and they wouldn't ever address Mike and ask him if this was how he wanted to die. They just asked if he wanted to go through the uncomfortable or invasive procedures.
In the end, once he was in a hospital bed and stopped being able to eat or drink, or even help much changing him... he got what he wanted; to be at home with his blessed tv and favorite news program; and me where he could see me. Partly because I started resisting the docs rush to get him into another surgery. Partly because I was also exhausted -- even with expanding the hours I had help. Anyway, I'm still processing that part of it and the actual last 10-15 minutes. Like I could've done something differently, that would've kept death at bay. Silly me. I do second-guess calling 911 though. I guess it's just a reflex; very well programmed into my head. They used all kinds of awful things to try to revive him, since I handed them my DNR, instead of his... and with his daughter on the phone, I kept her in the loop and let her decide: should they try this? how about this? Being that she's a trauma flight nurse... she knew what the paramedics were asking (I didn't) and how realistic their chances of reviving him were. Seems like a lot of violence, for someone who has passed recently... and their spirit is still letting the body go and wanting to go in PEACE. I apologize a lot to him, for that. Now, I just gotta forgive myself. Everyone else has. I guess I was letting him go... and letting her make decisions in my place... so she could have that closure too.
I did find out, going through all this with Mike, that Dirty Harry spoke the truth: A man's gotta know his limitations. I sure found a bunch of mine, going through that.
http://exopermaculture.com/2016/01/19/how-we-used-to-die-how-we-die-now/
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(((((Amber))))
I hear your poignant regrets about his last moments, and the imperfections of your decisions.
Oh if ever there were a time for self-compassion, this is it.
Every single one of us, and perhaps M too if your situations had been reversed, are overwhelmed with the urgency of the moment and long, long, LONG cultural training to turn it over to the professionals.
You didn't have time! Resistance to the machine takes organization, and loads of prep, plus a good night's sleep. And months if not years of planning for it.
Maybe the most important thing I can think of is that I am positive, certain, that M would never ever want you to be lashing yourself over doing the best you were able to do in those chaotic moments. He's long since joined something so very vast that such a concern is just not even....there.
Only love. He knew it and received it. All is well with him.
Human exits are imperfect and messy and I think mostly, a lot of the emergency stuff happens to us after we've already partly left, so are likely not as awful for us as for those who love us. (I want to avoid all that too, as much as possible. But our control or our advocates' control of knowledge and timing and sufficient energy and poise all coming together in the perfect momentary decisions? That's as much luck as anything...)
love to you,
Hops
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Quick update: Headed north for G'daughters birthday. It's a great reason to give myself a quick break from the to-do's and a change of scenery.
I have "done good" on my necessary tasks here and am further along than I expected to be. Staring at the same 4 walls here is getting.... dull. And when I get back, it'll be time to get ready for the next "season" -- already got my pool contract. So will be busy again. LOL.
Hops... I wasn't lashing myself so much, as accepting what human's (and my personal) limitations are. There is perfection in imperfection, anyway. Looking at that moment, from another such "present moment" more distant in time and emotion. S'ok, you couldn't have known that I've only in the past year or two stopped beating myself up over things I can't control and am not responsible for. I was pretty regular and thorough at it, previously - huh?
I much prefer driving/travelling with a buddy... but I've done enough of it alone, to kind of look forward to the sensation of solitude that's moving through space/time... and know my route well, my destination used to be "home", and am meeting up with Mike's D & the kiddos... and Holly. That should break up the winter doldrums.
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The trip and getaway sounds so wonderful. What a good idea.
Could hear the energy and anticipation humming in your words.
Hope it's a wonderful tonic. You have a lot to celebrate.
Personally, I'm awed by what you've already accomplished.
When I'm in/coming out of trauma my home is like a campsite
the bears have been partying in. I just shut down. Would be
handy to cope through constructive activity as you do, so I'll
try to use your example to get the lead out.
Look forward to hearing how the outing went. Drive safe!
hugs
Hops
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Glad to read that you are heading off for the weekend, Skep, and hope that it breaks those winter doldrums up a bit.
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LOL... well, I was a total ball of anxiety (about getting lost or getting off the highway at a wrong exit)... and making sure I'd packed appropriately (I could've used a sweater under my light jacket in 24 degree weather... duh) and then there was the awkwardness of the adults from Mike's Ex's side of the family... and Autumn's Ex's side of the family... in the same place at the same time. But, it was Mike's Ex & I who broke the ice and I made her laugh about how I sat his ashes up on the bookcase overlooking my sorting, organizing & purging area and yelled at him, about how he left me this big mess. She could certainly relate... especially to the fact that I was diving into that and enjoying every minute of it... and then <gasp! o propriety!> I asked if she wanted their wedding pictures (which of course he'd saved)... then remembered, Autumn took them. She laughed at that too. I am more than willing to share Mike's memory and that loss with other people now. Before, I really didn't want to - that WAS MY JOB; it was my role; and more than that -- I WANTED TO. That part is (I think)... "done".
The little princess had a couple of "moments" herself that resulted in tears. And it's always a dangerous thing to put Holly & I in a kid's museum that's designed to teach scientific and mechanical principals. Who knows what would've happened. We might've fit, up in the netted climbing wall, but I did worry I might pull something or get stuck. She's tall - but she can bend up pretty small - so maybe could've made it.
Mostly I just let her decide what we were going to do... etc... and well, she's 20 years younger than I am. And she's accustomed to staying up & out late at night. Me, not so much. We compromised Saturday night. I got some good sleep and didn't have to worry about what the girls were getting into "out there". And the kink in my shoulder is gone... and I feel like something has lifted. It's not there now. Not in my way... as I finish up "phase 1" and try to make decisions about what phase 2 might look like. It could be that when I drive - I don't really "think" at all - I just pay attention and drive... unless there's someone else in the car. And maybe I need a rest from my own brain. There was the reflex of checking my phone and keeping it charged -- so I could check in twice a day at home, like I've always done when travelling alone before. And making the usual stops that Mike liked to make on the trip. (I changed that up on the way back).
So, I'm kinda breaking through limitations that were externally defined. Discovering my own limitations - where my real boundaries and "hot spots" are... without having to consider anyone else's idea of what's "socially acceptable". And also forcing myself to accept what the physical limitations of my age are... and trying to push past those, back to a more fit state. Always trying to keep an eye out for those times when it's undeniable, that I'm finally comfortable in my own skin. When in a relationship, we are obligated to and want to, take into consideration the other's set of wants, needs, expectations, and boundaries - especially in public. Ain't really anyone there now, to object... I don't have to go out of my way to tiptoe so someone else doesn't think I'm being "bad"... or try to apologize or make up for doing something I wanted to be or do -- all by myself.
Comfortable in my own skin. And if other people don't like it, oh well. They don't have to. I'm not them; they're not me.
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OK; yesterday was a rarity. :wink:
I am out from under the paperwork; just have one set of stuff to fax today. I have the important stuff organized and put away behind closed doors. I'm going to make some more goodwill runs, unless we really do get snow tomorrow. I CAN ALMOST CLEAN DOWNSTAIRS!!!!! So, my new glasses were ready... I picked those up and dropped off the frames I had been using for updated lenses. I must have backups to be able to see. I visited a couple shops hubs & I used to frequent together (think country general stores where people sit & gossip & trade stories and how-tos). Put gas in the jeep, finally; it was thirsty since I hadn't filled up since my trip north. Got some un-necessary groceries just because. Thought I might want spaghetti & meatballs or a meatball sub. Came home, unloaded and loaded up 5 rolls of foam cushions and the patterns I made for the kitchen banquette... and drove those down to the upholsterer; picked out fabric based on color memory and was home by 3:30. Oh, and I'm having some preventive dental work too.
And I felt "happy" yesterday. Happy to be out from under all that paper (there is still follow-on work to do with all those accounts but it doesn't require the detective work I was doing). Happy that I had an idea of what would be good to eat. Happy that I could go hang out with with these guys at the shops and talk and tell 'em: I'm OK; just fine. Here's what I've been up to... and ask them some questions. Happy that I am FINALLY going to finish the project I envisioned 5 years ago for that hard oak banquette in the kitchen. And happy that "the worst is over" as far as purging, organizing and sorting is concerned. Yes, I still have two garages. I think they look worse than they really are simply because hubs never unpacked and really "moved in".
And then the money-guilt monster tried to ruin it: how much money have you spent in the past two weeks on dental/vision stuff... OMG... you'll go broke if you keep this up... (and I'm just getting started, dammit; I have a LONG list of "have to" maintenance things). This only happens when I'm spending money on me. I did try to ignore it; punt it into the next county. And lord, I haven't spent enough put a dent in the bank balance. I have NEVER been a miser; always accused of exactly the opposite. It's only when I spend money on me that this comes up and rains on my happy day. I wish I could simply just decide to never hear that whispery nasty little voice again - fingers in ears - lalalalalalalalalalala. And it would just GO AWAY.
But it's a minor irritation. On the whole I feel kinda like I'm opening up. I'm tired of always "putting myself in a corner" (see: Dirty Dancing). I really do enjoy my solitude; it is helping me a LOT in changing my habits, sensing the freedom to do things my way, when I want to - and stop when I feel like it - not because someone else wants me to. I've always thoroughly enjoyed change - even though it's often a lot of hard work. But it's like fitting the personal cogs into the bigger gears of life... multiplying energy... so that when I finally pick & choose out of the infinite options available to me... I'll be "off like a rocket" again.
Gawd, I'd better go do some warm-up stretches... before I pull something because of all this unfocused energy.
8)
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Glad to feel you recognized feeling "happy" , Amber.
Yours is a long, bitter sweet process, and it's such a relief when that happens.
Did you get much snow?
Lighter
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Not really, Lighter. Maybe 4-5 inches... and by the time it stopped, it warmed up enough to start melting. Then, it got cold with this latest wave of Canadian air. The sun has been real bright... and according to my home-made Stonehenge it's starting to trend back toward it's summer apogee. :lol:
I should be starting seeds. But too much else going on; I haven't even ordered any yet. (I have a big stash of them, though.)
And of course, I got slingshotted back to another round of missing him. That is the struggle right now, as I finish up the account paperwork, and deal with the "stuff". On the one hand, I've wanted this work done for a long time and it feels good to have the way clear to just do it. But each step in the process, means there are fewer reminders of him around too. So, I'm "taking care of him"... sorting, organizing, and dispersing his stuff still. And when that's done, I'm kinda afraid there won't be much "him" around to take care of. I guess I can take care of me, for him.
There's a new-old gym that's re-opened just a couple miles from the house. They have a personal trainer and nutritionist. Monday, I'm calling to find out more about the particulars. Despite me being fully capable of teaching tai chi, and having done yoga and pilates for going on 50 years, I still need that obligation; the contract with someone who's job it is to say: it's now time to do this and nothing else. I'm still putting myself last on the list... although I am finally trying to struggle with it. This is the last month of true peace & quiet on the beach before things begin to wake up and get busy again. It's also the month when if I want to hire helpers around here, I have to get it all scheduled.
And I'm going to throw a big party for Mike a month from Friday. So I have to see if anyone's available to cater some basics that weekend. It's a big restaurant weekend here and while I'm not going to need to feed a lot of people, some lunch fixin's and snackies is all part of the atmosphere. The next 6 weeks or so is going to be pretty full of stuff to do.
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sKep:
I've always need the obligation of scheduled workouts to DO that kind of work myself. I understand it, even though it makes me sad that putting ourselves on the list is so difficult, if not impossible.
I like the idea of your taking are of yourself "for Mike." He'd want you to.do that. Channeling his loss into self care seems like a right healthy way to handle it to me. I hope you can make that transition. It likely won't be easy, but what becomes habit becomes pleasure. Sticking with a self care plan, and not getting sidetracked by other things..... maybe that's a lot of the challenge? I get frustrated when I find myself remembering lessons I forgot, and trying to bring them back into focus, over and over.
I haven't any plans to garden..... I can't get past saving the Hemlocks on my lot. Lots of them.... maybe 20. No good plan for it yet. I research in spits and spats, but there's so much to do with the new house. I should have pressured washed my drive and sealed it. It was on my list of things to do, but didn't. Now the salt has the top layer pealing off..... very upsetting, and it's always something with a new house. Today I painted trim, and doors... still more to do. Planting things would be walking meditation for me, but there's so many things taking my attention. I hope you get those seeds out, and dig in.
I'm glad you have the majority of paperwork behind you. Planning a party for Mike might be cathartic in so many ways. It's a good idea. It sure brought joy to saying final goodbyes to my Mother. It was all about honoring what she loved, and sharing it with those who loved her. It really felt like she was in the room as we planned, and celebrated her life. And it was the Mother who was at her happiest, not the person who was ill in her final days, kwim?
Enjoy planning the party, sKep.
Lighter
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Grief's waves of love will be with you indefinitely, PR. I think though that the way they can become sweet lifting waves, all colors of the mystery of water, even warm and soothing, and not always be rough surf, is amazing to me. I can imagine how dealing with his stuff feels a little bit like removing him. But you're not doing that at all. His memory is cherished and safe within you, and will continue to add love to your life as long as you live.
And the dear man was a clutterholic.
I wonder if he's floating nearby musing, Oh, so that's what she meant by space. Order. And serenity. Huh. Looks pretty good!
So glad you're taking care of yourself and love the gym idea.
Your dialogue with Lighter about scheduling exercise (and Lighter, your statement that what becomes habit becomes pleasure) was very meaningful to me. For selfish reasons....
You (and Mike) are going to enjoy this party!
love
Hops
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Thanks, m'dears. It's all a work in progress, until it's not. LOL.
But I think it's rather interesting in that mysterious sort of way that several of us are moving to the more positive side of experience at the same general time. Tupp's with her undercover move, Hop's new job, Lighter is definitely "lighter" after all the trials & tribulations she's been through. It's hard for me to look at this kind of thing, versus all the other stuff I can face, grab ahold of, and shake the truth out of. This is more ephemeral, elusive. No less real, though. It just doesn't stand still long enough to get a good look at it.
Doc G would call what I'm struggling with - resistance. The old familiar habits and comfort zone of trying to be invisible, hiding, not attracting any attention to myself is actually a decent place to grieve in... when it's more the "feeling sorry for one's self" flavor of the day. But to carry that frequency out into doing the things that have to be done, exploring new ones, and expanding out openly into the wild blue yonder is necessary too. Especially when it seems to be too much to ask and impossible. And I've rediscovered that it's not that hard as long as I keep my mouth shut about what I've been through (going on 3 months now). Just go out and be a person. Some person.
The postmaster still makes funnies with me, people still wave; if I could cross the bridge of going to our local diner... the waitress is still gonna call me "darlin' ". It's only the people who are torn up themselves about Mike's passing who are hard for me. I can't escape feeling that it's all my fault and my job, to try to comfort them. It's NOT... but telling myself that and how I feel seem to act independently of each other.
The party is going to involve his family here and his brother & sister. The brother came and helped me early on; stayed for days on end - and even worked from here. His sister is just one of those basketcase people. No matter what you're going through - her needs are so much greater. And it's not fake or an act... it's real; but she's never learned to put one foot in front of the other all by herself. She's never found "the comfort that surpasses understanding" or reasoned her way to seeing a silver lining, by herself, in her life. I am wary. Mike has a passel of cousins too. They are all genial, kind and truly skilled and helpful people. And they can be totally nutz under the right circumstances - a lot of fun. It's a nice family to be "adopted into", as I've been assured that I have been.
My kids and some of their friends will be here; my friend from work - these are the regular March houseparty crew. And the Yacht Club folks will get an open invitation, to drop by to remember. I think I'm going with "remembrance" as the theme here. I have a dozen or so flamingos to put up... some are black with glow in the dark skeletons... which is the kind of tacky thing Mike really liked. Perfect. I've saved his baseball caps to hang up on the pool fence, clothespinned to light strings -- they are chili peppers, of course. Or shotgun shells, Or parrots... and of course, I have all his - our - music... which pretty much covers all the genres. I just hope we don't need parkas and mukluks to play on the patio.
Autumn couldn't turn over her share of ashes at the party back in his hometown. She still has them, and it's a comfort to her. I'm kind of the same way. When it's "time", I've picked out a spot by where we planted Raleigh; it's a clearing in a young pine forest that he said to let grow up. I'll plant bulbs there before it gets too warm, too. It's just not time yet.
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Was he a Parrothead?
I think it sounds wonderful wonderful wonderful!
Love the hats clipped on lights idea...perfect.
(Beyond eats + decor, I hope you let go of any need to take care of everyone-- his sister, or anybody else...adult humans can deal with the discomforts of their own grief....)
You are the widow.
Doesn't make you helpless but does allow superpowers to be set to neutral now.
Wonder if we're seeing the same snow today?
hugs,
Hops
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So another chunk of the list got done this week. The biggest one, the most important one as far as the "stuff" goes, for me... still has a few loose ends, but they can't be finished up just yet. Soon. "List-Mind" is wanting to jump right into the next chunk; next phase... and it crowds out self-care. It almost ran away from me...
then I had a night of restless sleep - just plain old missing him. What I am calling "resistance" to dealing with the mess, is the old association he insisted on - love him, love his stuff. LOL. So each load to goodwill (or the dumpster) feels like one more little piece of him gone - pinging that loss feeling spot. Echoing. It's not; I know that. I sigh a lot and do it anyway. And can now anticipate that there will be an equal and opposite rebound of the feeling I put on hold (to do what needs doing)... no matter how irrational that is.
So, I am not starting anything new just yet. Maybe next week. Going to FINISH what I have started... then self-care involves simply cleaning the first layer off the top. Removing dust, tracked in stuff, the flotsam of styrofoam from the hundreds of Amazon packing peanuts, etc. I have more "secretarial" tasks to do too. Getting ready to ship or deliver a package of documentation to the CPA for the estate tax return. Need to play household budget manager too. Run all my numbers and see where I'm at. I still abhor spending money unless it's necessary. Well, there are things that have been let go long enough around here - they're necessary.
Looks like I'm going to have weekly/biweekly dentist appts through March, as we do some preventative care on the old chompers. I've updated my glasses and gotten some "spares" made too. I still need to call and ask about personal trainer. That fell through the cracks between phone calls, service men visits, etc. I realized I hadn't budgeted time to go out to the grocery store for my snacks & quickie meals for those days when I'm at it 8 to 10 hours a day. Finished up writing out all the invitations for Mike's party - another emotional tiger trap - but I was committed already. If not everybody comes, that's just fine. I still have to figure what all those people are going to "do" for all that time. I feel like I need to write and read a statement that says: Yes, I'm doing just fine. Thank you for your offers of help. I'm making progress through the process my own way... and have ideas about the future, but have not made any firm decisions yet. Just to head all the repeated questions about that, off at the pass.
Obviously, it rankles when people project their own imagination of how they would react, onto me. But I suppose that's a useful thing in the long run. It's how people are and how they prepare for their own experiences. It's meant to be kind even if it doesn't seem that way on my side, all the time. And OMG... being a new widow, is like being pregnant!!!! Everyone feels obligated to give you advice on what to do; how to "get through this" (LOL); when to start making decisions and which ones are the "best" for someone in my "position". Complete STRANGERS will offer up their take on things unsolicited. And I have to tiptoe through the minefield for fear of offending someone with my particular (peculiar?) way of dealing with things. And remind them: I'm a grown woman that survived 4 teenagers and make decisions for a business. I have a few skills that will get me through this - LOL - and I can figure out for my own damn self, what I "want" to do next. Mercy buckets, people. I'm not a fragile flower (all the time).
To me, death is an intrinsic part of life. It's as natural and wonderful a mystery as birth. I am just as much in awe of both. My feelings are ALL over the map about the sudden stop of an important relationship in my life, as I would expect. Nothing wrong with that. I used to be a "change manager" and was pretty good at it -- mostly because I was able to deal with people's fear, expectations and imagination about "change". I helped put them at ease; helped them trust that it would be OK. To me, this is just another of the many changes in my life that I have already been through. On one level, anyway. There are definitely others.
One thing I know will need to be addressed at some point (and now is not the time), is figuring out what kind of "purpose" I have in this stage, chapter of my life. I willy-nilly allowed that to be defined by how I filled roles; how I was needed. NOT being needed was a problem, with the kids grown up, and leaving my job. Since then, I've been wallowing in the freedom of not being needed - LOL. There have been little stirring of the creative spirit again... but it's a shy creature, so I'm waiting patiently to see if anything develops there. I've indulged my curiosity in some research on topics. I've discovered a voice I didn't know I had... writing online about various topics, informally. And people keep trying to push me toward some kind of leadership role...
But they stop, after I ask them what they've been smoking. LOL.
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Amber,
I've been reading you. I'm in the beginning of a journey that I don't know how it will end. It happened quickly. I'm trying to process.
There is one thing I found myself doing, now I laugh. In the very beginning when I first found out, I don't know why, but I was crying my eyes out about ..what if my pipes freeze.. It was 7 below o. And about taking garbage out. I felt so helpless.
Well my pipes froze and broke. I shut down the water, went to Chemo, had a plumber repair within a 1/2 hour when I was back. I dragged the garbage and put it out. I even repaired the toilet.
I also have to have the need to be organized in case (the unknown) like an ambulance has to be called. Easy access to move the coffee table to the side..dog cages are out and placed so they won't get under EMTs feet or out the door.
I want to paint.
I babysit my 4 month old grandson and take care of hubby.
But I can do it. I do, do it.
I just don't know why ...I was trying to convince my self (I was helpless). I don't know. Maybe I was trying to distract myself (from feeling pain). Or I was feeling pain/emotions. Maybe I'm squashing them. I don't know. I don't think so. I like..give it to me raw. Don't sugar coat. I have to deal with it. No matter how painful. Yes I think that's it. I have accepted.
Do you know what I mean?
Anyway...I think you and I are going to be alright.
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(((((debkor:))))))
I'm so sorry you're struggling.
So sorry.
Lighter
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Hell yes, we're gonna be alright Deb!! :lol:
ME TOO, on the being prepared for the unknown. In 4 hours, the DIL & I completely rearranged and organized my living room into a functional nursing space. (I don't know how many pounds of magazines we recycled at midnight... but neither of us needed to work out that week.)
For me, I wasn't dealing with "what-if" this happens... so much as... "I can't do that". It was worse after he was gone, and the initial relief about being able to sleep in past 7 am; go to bed at 6 pm if I wanted to; and not constantly feeling awful that there wasn't much I could do to make hubs feel better. I literally felt like I couldn't go to the grocery store. Or the bank. The kids were here so that helped a lot. And I still lean on them a little. And my friend, too... we watched back to back Hallmark channel stories over new year's (and don't do chick flicks) but it HELPED. One thing led to another and I found a western channel with no commercials... and netflix... and I have a pile of dry, boring non-fiction books to just let me escape my own mind for awhile.
I was all freaked out about committing to driving back "home" for the granddaughter's birthday party; the "I can'ts" running through my head. Well I can and did. I realized that in some ways hubs reinforced that idea that I needed someone to drive; I needed someone to bounce things off of when making decisions. Someone to have my back. He needed to be needed too - and even when he was clearly sick, pretended not to be - for my benefit.
Now, the "I can'ts" relate to the fact that a heavy weariness has settled in on me. I have accomplished a lot in the past 2 months (Dec was just trying to get the cobwebs out of my head) toward my goal of reclaiming the space in the house; the estate stuff is pretty well in progress; and I CAN start making decisions about letting the bigger "stuff" go... either through selling it, donating, giving it away... I CAN, but it still feels "bad" and "selfish" in some ways... to do things just for me. I'm always catching myself, tripping over the old relationship boundaries - that's HIS STUFF and I can't... etc.
And I've sent out invitations for his family to come remember him on his birthday next month. That right there, is a big "I can't" - because even though I've proven I can talk about it, I can do what needs doing... I think I just want someone else to make the decisions for a couple days; feed me; let me be a slug until I get my energy back. Quixotically, I don't want anyone telling me what to do, either.
One more stage on the path.
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sKeP:
How are you doing with the party activities for guests?
My mom requested we throw a Mardi Gras party to be thrown after she passed away. It was a true celebration to plan something she would have loved with all the people she loved.
One of the nicest activities was penning notes on helium filled balloons..... biodegradable. It took everyone about an hour to complete their messages. We did the release fire side after dark. One of Mom's cousins played Spirit In The Sky by Norman Greenbaum..... it felt just right.
When we release my best friend's ashes into the Seine this summer, I'll try to have paper lanterns (since we'll be such a small group.) I'm comforted by this kind of ritual. I'm sure there are many ideas out there.
Lighter
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That is such a neat idea Lighter!!
To tell the truth, Holly and I thought about putting the ashes in the canoe... towing it out to the sound... and setting it on fire. BUT... between the coast guard, the environmental police, and regular LE, we decided that probably wasn't feasible in this location. Neither is a 21 gun salute... although people here aren't that freaked out by the sound of shotguns. I think the ashes are coming with me, anyway. Where ever I land.
Spirit in the Sky... You keep me Hangin' on... we could rock out all night and flip between bluegrass, country and early rock & roll - and probably will. This is going to be mostly afternoon, for the people driving in from 2 counties over and the older folks. I'm hoping it doesn't rain - and have some tent things to help handle outside stuff, if it does. (If the canvas is still in good shape.) I think mostly we're going to visit with each other. This cousins get-together has been an idea for as long as we've been here. It just hasn't happened -- and it may not now. I haven't heard back from anyone. It's early yet.
I know my regular crew will be here. The kids, my friend Debbie. And if that's all that shows up my feelings won't be hurt. As for activities, Cards Against Humanity (and subsequent variations) is on the agenda for AFTER the party and after the little ones are asleep.
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Amber:
I love the idea of the burning Viking Ship. You could make one and decorate it with loved ones, or on your own. I might put a coat of wax on somehow,but the link below is similar to the model we chose for dd's 7th grade class. If you decided to do this, you don't have to include all Mike's ashes. You could keep some, and send some into the lake.
https://video.search.yahoo.com/search/video;_ylt=AwrBT7lArsxWi2sApYJXNyoA;_ylu=X3oDMTByMjB0aG5zBGNvbG8DYmYxBHBvcwMxBHZ0aWQDBHNlYwNzYw--?p=Building+Viking+Long+Boat+Model+For+School&fr=mcafee#id=1&vid=e1a9e84f191545b506107f51f057b417&action=view
You can copy and paste.... the video comes up slow, but appears if you wait a moment.
I'm going to have a hard time setting all my friend's ashes free. I might keep some with me, and release most of them. Will see. The funeral home prepared locks of my friend's hair for each family member who wanted one, and I feel that will be comfort enough. As I think about it, I think I'll let the ashes go.
Whatever you choose, it should comfort you. You don't have to entertain people.
Lighter
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I think I define chapters in my life story by places - and the people I've shared them with. People have come and gone, as one chapter ended and another began. It's all in that book titled "Becoming Me".
It was really really hard to leave the place where Ex#2 & I knocked down trees, built a road, sculpted a hill and built a house and gardens. I left part of me there. My hands had planted all the bulbs, herbs and flowers... and weeded and composted around them till they flourished. My back still has issues now, because of that work.
But Mike was a place, in his own right. A destination that became a journey. And it was an "us" - not just a him or a me - that steered the bus to different places. It was the latest "chapter" in my book. This is kind of an interlude; an intermission. "This page intentionally left blank." The party is just the official recognition of the end of that chapter and a little foreshadowing of the next one. Plans are what we do to occupy our minds, until LIFE happens.
"I know by going, where it is I have to go" - Theodore Rothke
I kept that quote in the studio, when I worked at art full time. It's the magic spell; antidote; to creative blocks. It's similar to "Chop wood, Carry water", in it's effect. Things like this really are powerful insight magnets, if one can really "be" the manifestation of that physically.
My book continues - new places; new people. There is no outline because that would be setting limits on the possibilities. There are only ideas and the alignment of self & life... to be in the "right place" at the "right time" for the fulfillment of whatever the fundamental purpose I assumed responsibility for, when I showed up in this existence. Potential - in it's metaphysical, spiritual and scientific meanings. It's the place where God rolls dice with the universe; the Void; where creation happens.
The party needs to be about that, too. Since I NEVER intentionally throw parties nor invite people to share one.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
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PR, I imagine for you:
Faces who loved M and love you...being around you and lighting up with each other as they remember and tell stories.
Music that is like you and M revisiting joys of the years you shared...touchstones of sound and life that connect us all.
Self-serve food and drink for appetites
Twinkly lights for embracing the dark
Hats just...because M (not a formal fella)
VERY comfortable place for you to sit where
folks can join you or you can enjoy just watching
The peace of gathering
Even for introverts
This is when we all are tribes
love
Hops
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Well... so now I'm in a kind of purgatory; a limbo. Neither here - nor there. A fuzzy place without a definition or even a lot of direction or structure. I've been doing a lot "futzing"... picking up something and moving it 1/4 of an inch, because that's where (in my mind's eye) it should go. I've finished cleaning & reorganizng the upstairs closets in case I decide to spend the big bucks and upgrade the heat/ac. (You all have noticed how much more things cost than just a few years ago, correct?) I've been little by little making the house presentable - and putting under lock & key things that are none of my "helper's" business, so that I can bring in more help.
I framed the picture of Mike that the yacht club brought me. It's hanging down in the space I've been working on in stages. I think I've decided to sell the pool table; after struggling over that decision for years. I can buy a folding table, for cutting out fabric if I get to that point. My cushions for the kitchen banquette should be almost done. The storm shutters are getting a good cleaning and maintenance, and repair in a couple cases.
I've started watching the tv series from the books "Outlander". It's about a woman who travels time from just after WWII, to 1743 Scotland and her "adventures". I was reading that series of books shortly after Mike & I were married. I kinda feel like that right now. Like I'm going backward and forward in time... as I toss around the plans I have had in my mind, before we knew how sick Mike was, to see if it still "fits"; if it's what I still want. Entertaining new plans... and ideas - but none of them are seriously moving past the fantasy day-dream stage.
I'm leaving the idiot box turned off, more and more. The silence is a balm, especially when I shift from mental cognition, to that basement level instinctual "thinking" that isn't even verbal - concept to execution without definable, or clear steps in between. I can listen to music again, without each song bringing tears forth. But they still happen. Cleaning out his bathroom drawers, I found lots of his hair from the brush. I always cut his hair for him, I couldn't get him to go find someone who knew what they were doing.
Conundrum: how can someone who is gone - totally - still be "here", in something as inconsequential as the shed hair they've left behind? I don't know; but it's some sort of connection - like the standing stone in the novel, that vibrates "Claire" in the Outlander between two periods in history. Then and now. Now and Then (future then). I don't go out of my way to think of things of like this; to wallow in tears. And I'm not in any mad hurry to remove all the reminders of him -- so nothing prompts those tears either. At this point, it would be like trying to control the wind.
Somewhere in all this primordial stew, is "me". And the fastest way to get to "her" is this quiet isolation. If I can get the toxic people in my life, to just understand I'm not going to be a party to their delusion that, because of their innate superiority, they're able to "help" me through this fuzzy, foggy space. That I don't have time for their silly head games that are all about them. And finally stop feeling guilty about taking care of myself... and only spending time with the people who truly ARE there for me, that I want to be there for them, too.
The good thing about long quiet spells... is that I don't need as many words. This bit is a whole 5 days worth - LOL.
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I've just begun to read about the journey you are on. The way you move through the visit ides of life carries with it a peace that reaches through and comforts outward. Your expression of your walk through this period of grief is beautiful Skepikal. I am sorry to learn of your loss with Mikes passing. And I am heart warmed by reading about your steps towards his Remembrance. As I read your posts, your preparation touches me as a metaphorical, almost mythical embodiment of the cycle of life.
I'm thinking of you.
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Something in me, needs those rituals GS. I've still got a "receiving frequency" open listening for wisdom or mystery or guidance from the universe and no matter how much his quirks irritated me, the feeling was mutual (LOL)... and we fit together as persons, as well as could be expected. We met each others needs at a very spiritual level... and erased a lot of the pain we'd each experienced separately. Given my issues with relationships, and how different this was, I sorta gotta mark that gift in an appropriate way. I'm well aware that not everyone finds this kind of relationship.
But I am having my struggles too. Those days of racing thoughts, flittering around starting to work on 15 different things at once - and not really doing anything more than straightening my stacks of notes. And a heaviness; like trying to do everything with a big heavy wet blanket thrown over me. Flailing about in some search for normalcy, about how I spend my time - whether I go out, make phone calls, whatever. Wondering how it is, that I have 3 different places in the house with computers and if that's really necessary - and lots of trepidation still - about going into the official office and finishing the "reclaiming the space" I started in there, in November.
It hit me that this is anxiety again. Precisely a fear of taking care of myself (grocery shopping for something different to eat), and making decisions BY myself, for myself. The taboo monster is trying to scare me into doing nothing again (so I can kick myself and have to work twice as hard & fast later on). Because of all the definitions, descriptions, stages and perhaps even stereotypes about grief... I didn't really see this for what it was as it crept up on me. But yesterday I saw it clear. And then I grabbed that slimy weasel-worded little beast and punted it to the next county.
And I knew if I was going to be alone, I'd face this little slimeball a few times. And I am alone. By choice, intentionally, even when I'm lonely... and sad and anxious... because by myself I can actually see/hear/feel all the nuances in MY emotions without the interference or static of what other people's ideas about it are. I seek the counsel of men, mostly - my guy in charge at work, my online friends (I am literally seeing no one face to face, except the people I'm hiring - my "rent a man" guys). Because I know the difference in perception and thought process is something I NEED to balance my own ideas/ways of going about things. It's about learning to ask for help, without excuse or apology or shame...
Holly & I fought keeping the driveway passable one winter, on the homestead. Thanksgiving to April, it was ice. One day after we did battle with it again and were giving up, with our hand tools over our shoulders, (about 1/2 mile away from the house) the neighbor who lived back up the "hollar" - and was a REAL hermit stopped and asked if we'd accept a ride up to the house. After days & weeks of the same, trudging up that hill was the very last thing I thought I could do, and I accepted. And he said to both us, that no can do everything themselves - that God, the universe, always has a hand in it. And there is absolutely no shame in asking him/her for help... so why not each other? He's gone now; passed a couple years after I moved away. Even his cabin is gone. But I've always remembered what he said. (The ex would NEVER ask for help and insist it could be done alone. What was I?? Chopped liver??)
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This week's adventure with the "Rent a Man" concept... (ie, contractors)
Two young guys showed up to address the plumbing "to-dos". They kept calling to postpone arrival. But what I needed wasn't functionally critical. Fix the cold water supply in the island from leaking; replace the garbage disposal in the downstair kitchen; and re-connect the icemaker on the wetbar. We'd previously had a drain issue that necessitated disconnecting it and neither Mike or I have much patience for dealing with plumbing issues. Re-connecting took a bit more work than anticipated as a result of some frustrated "git R done" techniques - LOL. I toyed with the idea of putting it in the poolhouse, where it would be more useful... but now, plans have changed. My goal is to simply have everything functional that's supposed to be functional, then I'll go from that point forward on decisions.
The electrician was the same way. Rescheduled a bunch of times before calling and leaving a message that he was already walking the yard. I was in the shower when he called. [1st bit of "not right" wariness for me. Now he was early.] My outdoor lighting was down to 1 lamp post (there are 5; looks like a park out front with everything lit up and that is a security feature). None of the low voltage, landscape and spot lights, dusk/dawn stuff was working. He said he'd find the problem.
Of course, that requires coming inside to the garage where the breaker panels are. And the mustang and the "beast" - a 78 CJ that was all kitted out for fighting brush fires in the mountains, that we spotted at the dealership one day. It was begging me to come home with me. Mr. Electrician began drooling over my "boy" toys. [Wariness #2]. I knew these two would be working all day. It's just that big of a project.
Meanwhile, the landscaper shows up. He's the hubby of the paralegal who helped me with probate and comes with some high level security background, too. He made mention of my Rubicon jeep... so I figured he needed to see the CJ... and electrician starts talking (in that "funnin'" guy sorta way, about me selling it to him). Mr. Security Guy shut him down in 15 words... and now my wariness alarm is going off big time. This guy just did me a big favor; protective... and reminding me that Mike's toys (now, my toys) are none of his damn business.
End of the day comes around, and he comes inside with the bill. Sure enough, he's worked here before -- with my storm shutter guys. I nicely shuttle him out and away from my dining room, where I still have estate stuff organized into different stacks. Here's you check, glad that job's done. And I could finally relax.
I woke up at 3:30 the next morning. I still only have the one lamp post on, and my solar lights. I go down and check the breaker. Yep; it's tripped... maybe he forgot to turn it back on. Talking too much, you know? So I reset it. Checked last night - NOPE, the circuit still has a short in it somewhere. He didn't only not find that, he didn't fix it. And while I know he's not a real risk to have working around here, his "helper" certainly gave me pause on first acquaintance. The $1500 lesson isn't completely wasted. He did replace 3 dusk to dawn sensors and changed all the light bulbs out front to LEDs. Monday, I call a reputable company. This guy got the job, when I called the mechanical company looking for a plumber... well, we don't do electrical, but I have a guy - want me to call him?
No, no, no, no, no.... Amber. First nice day, I've got to start cleaning up in that garage. I need to run myself through setting the alarms process again, and get the garage door keypads updated. I keep the storm shutters downstairs in the down position, to "lock up" the easy, out of sight access into the house - except for 1 window and door out to the patio, in case of fire and someone has to get out. The security system guy has been with us, since we moved in - and has been a great resource for us over the years.
But lesson learned: STOP telling people your husband died... even when they are nice, harmless guys... they will still take advantage.
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"They will take advantage."
A lesson I hated learning. Even the cynach I am, I had thought the being widowed with a young child would bring the opposite. No, no.
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I figured you could relate to that, GS. What a feeling, too, when I realized what had happened.
I immediately blamed myself, you know. For being foolish enough to make the information that I was alone clear; for being glad to see another face around here - and especially a guy who was going to "take care of" the things that need fixing. For trusting him not to take a mile, when I left him be to work, for "playing" and talking about Mike's toys. Overwhelming shame at being such a pushover and not more business-like. Luckily, with the landscaper and the plumber, the situation was completely different (although I was still the same person). They didn't play on my need for company (but didn't ignore me either); went about their business and made sure everything was straight and went on to the next job. They weren't interested in my "goodies" that Mike has collected.
At one point the electrician asked if I like to go out to eat and he recommended a seafood place. For a minute there, I wasn't sure if he was making a pass at me or not. About that time, I retreated into the house again - LOL. For as chatty as he was, he didn't talk much about what he found, what the problem was, and how he was going to fix it. I was not paying attention that day. That should've been my first clue. And YES, I am pretty well practiced at managing these kinds of guys... but to be fair, I've been off my game that way. It was just enough of a lesson; and just painful enough for me to realize how I played my part in this little do-see-do... and to cut that stuff off pretty quick. I have a whole 'nother property to deal with... and the projects are much bigger. I need my head screwed on tight. No Luuuuuuuuuuuuccccyyy stuff.
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So, I've been thinking a lot about self-discipline. Breaking down the idea into what is usually meant by the word in conversation... and looking for the truth about where I fall on the scale... of no self-discipline at all (total hedonism) to overly wrapped too tight (maybe want to call this stoic/spartan). I think first of all, that this changes depending on what day it is. And that's OK. Life would be real boring if we were "just this one set of characteristics, tightly defined", all the time. It comes up in connection with the bit of survivor guilt I'm dealing with again. The realization that where I live now, was chosen because it suited TWO of us and while I'd been slowly coming to the realization that I was over the attraction of it, there are still very good reasons why I'm here. I am not unhappy here.
I think I usually see it as forcing yourself to do something, that you really don't feel like doing. Because it's productive, good for you, or whatever. That's a heavy emphasis on the discipline side; discipline = punishment in some cases. Punishment for what? Not doing what one thinks, believes or is told by "experts" one "should" do. I should exercise more (or even some). I should quit smoking. That idea runs head-on into: I don't want to. Often, there is equal energy on both sides of that impasse. And that conflict, makes limits hard to abide by or even choose... it all seems irreconcilable... therefore overwhelming, futile, and a lose-lose proposition all around. The only real compromise, is letting each of those forces take turns. So far. Otherwise there can be, has been, a big explosion.
So the other day, thinking about how much progress I've made around here in 2 months, the idea popped into my head that self-discipline has more to do with choices that satisfy a need; that "want to"; rather than a "corrective" regimen imposed upon one, from outside of oneself. Desire to be or do something; feeling important enough to commit to the practice required, the time and energy, the learning, and sensing of paths forward. It needs some determination, patience and persistence - and yes, even doing when you don't feel like it or don't want to (but that's not the MAIN attribute). My mom has spent 40 years "going through and getting rid of her stuff". In 2 months, I've gotten halfway done. Still have garage stuff, and then the next layer of finer detail - knick-knacks and tschotskes. The difference is that choice; the "want to". One isn't better than the other; they're just different. But it does help to be honest with oneself (and others) about it. ;)
I know I simply feel better in a more streamlined, less full of small stuff, environment. Baroque, I am not. LOL. But I don't go all the way to ascetic, either. I like that the things around me have a utilitarian function, and it's fun that those things have a funky or beautiful character to them, as well. I like textures and mixing them up; the contrast. And my "self-discipline" about this clearing out phase is getting the space to that level. It's enough under control, that I feel I'm able to shift into getting ready for my company weekend and the party.
After the party, I will feel my obligations have been fulfilled well enough, that I can focus just on me. I will set some things in motion about that too. I am going to be a solo woman for the foreseeable future. Even though I find I'm vulnerable to guys at the moment, the thought of another relationship isn't more than curiosity, a possible pain in the butt to deal with, and at some levels terrifying. So, I need to find my amazon body armor and attitude helmet, dig out my going to high-level business meeting weapons... and nominate myself captain of my ship, head piratess, and go forth and conquer... until I've built myself another cozy nest of a life, that is just what I think I want.
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Thank you so very much, Amber, for your wisdom about "want to."
So applicable it could be sealed over my entire life.
love,
Hops
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I guess I never really "got it", when we talked about the difference between "have to" and "want to" in therapy. I thought I did; it was just intellectually. At the emotional level, when there's a "want to", then there isn't any forced, micro-managed, "self-discipline" needed. No need for a plan even, just "do". When we don't really "want to" (let's use paperwork as the example)... that understanding of self-discipline is STILL WRONG.
At least, when dealing with my incredibly stubborn, devious and strong resisting force. Good old Twiggy... LOL. Her remnants can still be a problem; an obstacle.
So, a strategy for creating a "want to" around those kinds of things was needed. A negotiation, about the important of those "have tos" that this resistant force didn't "want to". It's like trying to bribe a 3 yr old to eat her green beans, sometimes. One thing that helps sometimes (you need a whole bag of tricks for this negotiation)... is simply to point out, that the sooner it's started - the sooner done. Once in progress, the activity takes on a life of it's own and I get on a roll. It's just that starting point, decision, the "want to"...
OH... one extra bit... sometimes that resistance to getting started is because there is some buried grief or hurt or even good memories that are intensely emotional... and the resistance is the denial of acceptance or the clear "don't want to" about dealing with it.
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Amber:
Dealing with subs is...... just what you described.
Some are very good, and some are predators. I was chased around my very large dining room table when I was 8 months pregnant by a blinds installer. If I wasn't in very good shape, he might have caught me..... and I'm sure he knew I was married at the time.
I didn't report him..... why? Not sure. He'd begged me NOT to report him before he left. He actually came back to the front door, and said it through the glass..... and I was frightened..... not sure exactly of what, but he was not right in the head. I just nodded, and didn't call anyone to report jhim. Stupid stupid stupid but honestly..... I was stunned, and kind of shocky. I didn't understand what happened myself. I'm still not sure what happened exactly, but it seemed very odd that this young good looking guy would chase a hugely pregnant woman 10 years his senior around a.... just writing it makes me feel crazy.
I think I knew it would sound off, and I think I didn't want to have anything else to do with him at all, ever again. I didn't want him coming back, really angry that I'd gotten him in trouble, and me with a brand new baby, vulnerable..... just NO.
Lord, I wonder what he's done since he was on my job.
I've had really off experiences more recently, but I learned a lot about myself dealing with them.
I can say the same thing about dealing with attorneys, teachers, and neighbors. There's all kinds of people in all walks of life.
How are your projects coming along Amber?
Lighter
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I'm getting there, Lighter.
Took care of transferring all the vehicle titles yesterday; but I have to go back to Roanoke Island to transfer the boat. The Fisheries dept handles those titles. I just didn't feel like it yesterday. But I was in/out of our tiny DMV that's in the back of the Manteo Pharmacy in under an hour. I got one of those women who move paper (and keep it all organized) at the speed of light... told me: sign here, print here... and I just did what she told me! LOL. So I can start dealing with reducing my stable of vehicles in about two weeks.
Pool cover got cleaned off; my "secret garden" space behind the pool patio wall has been weed-wacked & mulched with pine needles. So far, nothing's eaten my raspberries - but they haven't done well down here. NOTHING grows down here except every single weed seed from every single source. I just don't get it. The landscaper was saying he has a way to sterilize the top couple inches of soil - no chemicals - to try to manage that. I hope he includes that in his estimate. My tree guy has a lot of piddly trimming to do and one large dead pine to bring down, so it doesn't ever block the driveway. Electrician to fix the original problem and undo the crap the first guy did... end of this week. Oh, and I need to call the shutter guys about when they can get for maintenance.
I think I need to call the thrift store to pick up again. I'm going to get rid of some funky stuff downstairs, sell some things (if I can ever get to the point of taking pictures. And I've been drooling over the design catalogs again. The eclectic updated carribean/british colonial look I've been trying to get to... is starting to form in my mind. But until I have space, and decide if I'm staying at least another year while in transition.... not going to start that yet. I have some recycling to take care of today, streamlining & cleaning the poolhouse and starting to stock that for next weekend. Some weeding to do on the private secluded part of the patio. And followup on the last of the account paperwork. And a meeting with the brokers next week...
LOL. It's all perfectly well organized - in my head. And it's constantly being adjusted -- and some things left undone, too -- depending on my aches and sore muscles, my energy levels & focus, and whether that "want to" is strong enough to convince the body to go along with it. LOL.
I just so want to be at the point where the way is clear - with nothing left to do for Mike and his stuff - where I can sit with ME and what is now MY STUFF and try to find what the next phase of "want to" is. It's pretty likely I'll be keeping this house for the time being, and trying to make the cabin, "just so" before I move in up there. Moving is a 3-ring circus what with all our tools and such (which are going to be purged too). But that all still remains to be seen.
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Amber. I am literally awed by your sheer work ethic.
That's what I feel I've lost during the years of loss and despair.
I come home and can see or think of a whole lot of projects that can and should be top priorities.
I have no motivation at all. But the good news is that for the first time in forever, I forced myself
to dress for a walk this morning, and in 2 minutes I'm out the door with my pooch. I let all that go
too, during grief...she has a dog door and big yard and so...I let it/her/myself go. Will take months
to rebuild my energy but I want to. Rebuild health in general. My hair began to fall out in half-handfuls.
Dr. took blood this week to check the usual suspects (thyroid, iron, iodine) and I'm on B12 and biotin,
etc, but we'll see.
I do work hard on the job, but that's fear of sabotaging my security. Fear, rather than goal-setting.
(BTW, new job is fine...boss lady is a dragon and perhaps an N but for some reason I don't fear her,
although I will keep the boundaries up. She has and deserves my respect for her knowledge but her
personality is critical and her "training" is like waving a Lifesaver (the candy) at a struggling swimmer.)
Anyway, hijacking here, sorry. Between your tidying up the mountain with your Lego dumptruck and Lighter about
to go Kondo...surely some of this spring activity will be contagious!
love
Hops
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It's all about the "want" Hops.
As many years (it's over 10 now right?) as I've been sorting "me" out here I think this is my "key" to unlocking the whole shebang of me-puzzle. It took long enough to even figure out I was ALLOWED to want... then, trying to choose from all the options WHAT I wanted... since I really don't like to be buried under a lot of "stuff" anymore. Might've been the perfect thing for Twiggy to dive her head under Grandma's quilt* and just grieve... but I'm too curious about things and people and places; I like staying in motion - and caretaking, people - places - aminals... it helps me feel useful up until the point that I realize there's no one taking care of me.
More and more, the descriptive term I use for what I've experienced is Survivor's Guilt. It covers the magical thinking process that believes if I punish or abuse myself ENOUGH, then that will fix or prevent bad things happening to others or myself. It covers the sinking feeling that for some things, I'm just not super-human enough to do anything about it. It covers the anxiety and fear that boomerangs on me, when I DO do something for myself... because well, that's really selfish and mean and I'm not SUPPOSED to want anything myself... the taboo. Break the taboo, and perhaps Mom does her Jekyll/Hyde thing again... and NO ONE wants that!! LOL.
All that stuff is woven together into some kind of multi-color brocade tapestry, that we affectionately call "life", for want of a better word.
The to-do list is going to rest for a week or so now. New electricians have my front lamp posts working again; the low voltage is going to require new wires, etc. They'll try to find replacements for the back yard; I have one the bolts rusted out. Tree guy is busy and I got an email, thanking me for my patience (LOL)... and the shutter guy I might call today to see where I fall on their list. One last "pile" downstairs... the stuff I'm packing to take to the cabin and some of Jean's stuff that I'd saved because it's all hand needlework or aprons from 1940s fabric that I couldn't just throw out. Jeez... oh, and pictures and picture frames. That's it, then I can start cleaning. The downstairs really needs a ceiling, across the top of door and door frames down to scrubbing the tile & carpets cleaning. It's been that long that it was all covered up and I wasn't ALLOWED to move it to clean. Grrrrr.
Party/remembrance next weekend. I'm kinda winging this... since I really don't have much experience at this. I have lots of photos of Mike; I'm thinking he can take over the downstairs walls and newly discovered flat surfaces. It won't take me long to make a couple stacks of Mike music that won't offend either my kid's taste or his aunt/uncle... the bulk of the food is being picked up Saturday, and I found chicken on sale that I'll cook middle of the week, pick & make chicken salad. Need a couple batches of peanutbutter fudge, too. The pool won't open for another month or two yet... but he made and I painted a cornhole game set... and I have a closet full of outdoor games. I'm sure everyone else will have ideas about what to do too. And the "after party" will end up being a lot MORE "Mikey" than the afternoon one... because he was never politically correct, always the black sheep/bad boy, and loved to get a rise out of people. That's a whole 'nother kind of party - LOL.
Then, I'm loading up my pile and the cat... and going to the cabin. Just because I CAN and I WANT TO. (And there's no phone service - LOL)
*The next night after Mike died, Holly & Matt were here and since it was so warm we stayed out on the porch talking till late at night and I was telling her some about Twiggy and the quilt. (Matt's cool about things like this, doesn't scare him.) Don't you know that kid put me to bed and wrapped me up in that quilt and tucked stuffeds animal all around me? This "kid" is going to be 40 in a couple of years.
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PHEW.... reading about Lighter's strategies for dealing with clutter and changing how you relate to things... and having just spent 3 months working through various lines of demarcation... one room or even corner at a time (or one level across a room) I realize I just "do". In fact my brain pretty much turns off... decisions still get made, I do pull certain things out to save or repurpose or "claim"... but for me it's a built in skill.
I put things that are alike (or go to another same place) together, while I'm simply clearing XXX space. When the space is clear, then I sort the piles and then I take them where they go. Sometimes they "rest" partway there. :D That's because I've now got energy to take care of a space that's staring me in the face, that needs clearing. So, I "flit" as Mike would say... or give in to "mission creep". LOL. Try as I might, I couldn't get him to see that despite the distractions I got a lot done in a short-er amount of time than just staying on one task; often a job consists of several related tasks.
One has to accept that in order to completely clear a room of extra stuff, you're going to make even more chaos & mess. And when all the existing flat surfaces are covered, you either need to bring in more tables (carts get used a lot here) or use the floor. I don't physically clean - dust, wipe down, polish or vacumn/mop - any space until it's proclaimed "done".
Towards the end of the process (and because our oak trees are starting to bud & leaf out; yay - pollen) I could tell I was tired. I needed a couple half days to just sit. But my energy levels are coming back up; my physical stamina too... and some muscle strength. It can be hard for me to tell when I "just don't want to do it" or I really am tired... or I need something different. So I've been trying to watch things like that. What I've been eating worked well for the beginning of this process... but not so much now. I hear my body craving something different. I'm not sleeping regular... some of that is the pollen and some is my feather pillow making it worse: there are these teeny, tiny feather fibers that itch my eyes... stuff up my head... time to change that out again.
I'm up early most mornings; that is still my designated cry off the internal pressure of simply missing Mike time. It's when I feel most "alone". (meow-meow helps) Yes, I still talk to his ashes & picture - LOL. That connection was just so strong between us, with all the bumps that involved, letting go is just not on the to-do list. And I can't go with him; ain't my time yet. He was here one second and in the next breath he was gone. I felt it; the shock to the connection; the severing of the complete circuit. And I'm not sad; Lord no... the fact that I know what this feels like is a blessing. But it's surely a longing for what was lost in that blink of an eye. Maybe ended is a better word than lost. "We" were... and then "we" weren't. But I guess I'll be carrying around the memory of that "we" for awhile.
So the next phase of adjustment - now that most of my "busy" cleaning up after him, will be over after the party - looks like trying to sort out the parts of me that are really me... the parts of Mike that fit into who I am... and the parts I gave away to him. Like a tree that's lost its twin trunk... I have to patch up the exterior wounds and keep the sap running - maybe a little differently - and keep adapting to the seasons and the weather. Maybe I'll get transplanted; maybe I need something else planted next to me... for company. Don't know yet.
I had a very interesting visitor this week. The phone rang, and when I've been working I've been letting it go to voicemail but this time I picked up. A stranger... who was interested in buying Mike's truck; referred by the thrift store pick up kid. I have abused this kid and his partner with all kinds of stuff over the years - after Mike's mom died; when I finally got Mike to part with things - in 5-6 years in this place, we STILL haven't "moved in". SIGH... well, so anyway, "Ben" shows up and we're talking and there is just something different about him. Unlike the electrician who was drooling like a vulture over the toys that are now mine... Ben was saying how "things happen to us in life" and proceeded to tell me about his "thing" - a blood clot; he passed out and fell down some steps which dislodged the clot - and saved his life. A near-death experience.
We talked about what it needs and some particulars; I don't know all the spec's about engine size, or whatever and the Blue book estimate. I don't know what the spread is between trade-in allowance and private sale... (I can look it up; just didn't last time). So, I told him to make me an offer. He was going to talk it over with the Missus and call me back. It's not like the truck is going anywhere with 2 flat tires and a dead battery, LOL.
But you know how can just tell "good people"? You can't always tell the ones that are out to take advantage of you... but good people shine differently?? Yeah, Ben was like that. I don't think Mike would be mad, if I let the truck go at a bargain price, if it really helped out someone else. And it would be one less thing for me to try to maintain and take care of properly.
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What a wonderful encounter.
What a wonderful narrative about the intimate spaces of your grief.
What a wonderful example of focus you are holding up...for me (not for me, but which I'm greatly moved and inspired by).
Forgive my brevity, Amber, but know I am feeling such empathy and respect for all you are doing.
Tired from work but in the green beer afterglow...
Love to you,
Hops
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Phew. Heavy, intense bouts of grief bracketing the party and the people around all weekend. Nothing specifically triggering, except that this was always Mike's favorite party. The son in law (Holly's SO) - the artist - seemed to be the person who could communicate the best with me. My friend wasn't too bad either. I finally figured it out myself - with clues from GS's brain info.
Yep; the feelings are so intense that they can't be verbalized yet. I did however, win at Cards Against Humanity... verbal as all get-out... but in a visually associative sort of way.
Best I can do, is to say that the party was successful on several levels. The relatives entertained themselves; my "crew" - the kids & Debbie - surrounded me ready to step in & help with boundary "patrol". The food was fabulous and except for rumors of a cheese explosion over the stove (I wouldn't know, I was making devilled eggs) all was prepared without casualties. Mike's D and Matt handled decorations -- which we had in excess - flamingos and luau stuff of many tacky varieties. The Margaritaville Pirate Flag was flapping hard in the wind - right before the rain moved in and the temp dropped 10 degrees. LOL. Life at the Beach.
But that kept the party from dragging on & on... so that the after-party could get going. Which was always the highlight of this weekend anyway. There was no mess left. Plenty of food leftover. And I can finally sense the edges of "me" again versus being everywhere, connecting to lots of different people, what feels like all at once. And that was when the 2nd wave hit. Very late night by myself (while making space for Mike to be in) listening to some songs that the son in law had played - and then copied to CD for me - over & over & over just like when I was a teenager.
That automatic making space reflex; expecting him to say certain things - knowing what he would say; or simply forgetting and looking over at the couch to comment on something to him... because I forgot he wasn't there. This kind of thing is tripping me up lately. OH... and I found a new-er description of the grief process that is closer to what I seem to be going through; how I process this or any other feelings with intensity of this magnitude (or decibels). It involves 3 emotional areas that overlap, that people move into/out of, as they adjust to the process.
Disorganization/inability to concentrate
Pining
Adjustment & Rebuilding
To me, this is a lot more accurate than the Kubler-Ross model. Grieving isn't linear or sequential. On any given day, I can be all just one of those attributes... or experience all three. And when you've spent some years processing out old toxic grief, it's pretty hard to tell where the new event's emotions stop or start to blend into the old stuff... LOL.
I have some ideas about that last category. But I'm rambling along here... and still have some feelings to address before I think I'd be safe to "move on" in some ways.
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Amber:
Be kind to yourself through the times of despair, lack of energy, sadness, lack of focus/direction..... things come in waves, then straighten themselves out again.
It's like walking through the abyss, and when we're in it, we're there till we get through it. Difficult, exhausting, confusing, painful, but the only route to feeling better, IME.
When we come out, it's like we popped up from under the water, and we can see colors, and feel the seasons. Again.
You're such an amazing person... your story, top to bottom, is inspiring to me. It always has been.
I'm glad the party was comforting for you. I'm glad you have supporters who love you and Mike. People to shield and protect you. That's a pretty good place to heal, and grow through..... even if it's painful.
As for planning and shopping for food.... have you considered one of those delivery meal services that send out recipes and ingredients for you to prepare? I've read some pretty good things about them, and it might be a short term fix for decision making around food?
Lighter
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WiseChild, you're welcome to traipse through the years of stuff I've shared while peeling off the things that were "stuck to me" by my FOO (family of origin) and figuring out just who my "self" really is... under what I've been told she is. Maybe something will help you? I've tried to find the link I was reading when I stumbled across this other "system" for describing the grief process - but I was working on the ipad at that time: different OS, browser, even though it was the same search engine... that link simply doesn't come up on my pc.
I may not have many face to face friends, but there is a whole crew that I'm comfortable with, that I can trust, and who have walked this with me, online. I think these same friends are all pretty close to the "extroverted introvert" type. The way of processing information, analyzing it, and perceiving things is something we have in common. I "talk" way better in writing than I do in person. Lots of INTJs in that mix, if you're familiar with Meyers-Briggs. Be glad to add you into that "crew"... there aren't any leaders... but stuff still gets done.
So the "have to" list of things is done (I still have garages to deal with; I don't think they're as bad as they look). I was going to load up the kitty and a lot more stuff, and spend some time at the cabin since I've really only been there one day -- and haven't even spent the night yet. Still no phone/communications of any sort there. But realized this is Easter weekend. And I'm still waiting on taxes to be delivered so I can turn the payments around to IRS. I don't want to be incommunicado, in case CPA has questions.
So.... I have some time to sit, think, write, ponder.... and see what trouble I can get into - LOL. There are a couple things I pushed to the bottom of the list that have more been "want tos", instead of have tos. Might be a good time to pull those up.
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Needed more coffee... and picked up the ipad... this is what I was reading when I found this new (to me at least) description:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1112778/
This is the full list of "states", that people wander in/out of before the rebuilding process:
The course of grief
Numbness
Pining
Disorganisation and despair
Reorganisation
This understanding of the emotional states isn't linear or sequential at all. The first hours after Mike died, I was big on reorganization -- cleaning up, washing bedding, doing dishes -- and making decisions. The busy bee syndrome, I guess. I was numb to any emotional reaction, for the most part, until I could get everyone out of the house. Dame Cicely Saunders, who founded the Hospice movement, is credited with defining the process this way.
There were several moments during that evening, that I was on the verge of surrendering to the emotions full on energy take-over. Because I wanted to fully experience them, the way I felt them... to let it all wash over and through me... I wanted total privacy for that. I didn't want anyone else's interpretation, or explanation, or sympathy or attempts to comfort -- my feelings were my own, that I shared with him and only him. I wasn't afraid of the intensity of the emotions and grief is that "difficult" old friend that even though I don't like spending time with, I understand the necessity. I think it was the next day, before I wrote down the narrative of events of those few hours for my online MD friend. Told him, too - that it was the last time I would tell that story to anyone. But a week or so later, I was moved to write it all in my last remaining Twiggy journal.
LOL, I was already second-guessing myself at that point. The silly mix-up in handing the paramedics my DNR, instead of his. Even calling 911; I knew he was gone and it was over. I could have just let that moment linger between us. I didn't HAVE to call his D right then, and destroy her day too. But I was already care-taking everyone else's feelings about his passing you see. She wanted to be in on it. That's her life as a nurse. I had already accepted, in the process of caring for him, as his condition deteriorated, that some things are simply beyond our control or ability to "fix". And I had told Mike, that it was all up to him... his decision; I would be sad & miss him for a long time... but he didn't have to stick around and be a science experiment for my sake. He could just let go.
Looking back over the months prior to the medical interventions, our relationship had been fading away... already starting that transition and changing. He may not have had direct evidence that he was dying, but he knew at that pre-verbal level. I've seen the evidence of that, as I've cleared up the piles of papers and put his stuff away. The things he bought for me that I found hidden in amongst his stuff. Even the decision to buy cabin was part of that. And I guess that's why I still have my half of his ashes; if I decide to move up there he wants to sit on a rocker on the porch.
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Same sort of. I wanted to be alone.
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<big deep breath here>
So, having gotten comfortable over the years I posted daily here... and was in the midst of working out a lot of complex and painful stuff... I was also learning that it was possible to have friendships through this online environment. Being open to hearing the emotion and intent behind people's words... and learning how to say the words to express mine. Yet, this environment also comes with a real large safety net. We only know what others have shared about themselves; people only know what we share about us. (And even then, we can sometimes intuit the self-deception from authenticity.)
It's an interesting "world". In my travels, I've participated on several other forums and learned a lot more about this kind of interaction. The closest "meat-world" equivalent I can think of, is writing letters. Some of us express ourselves so much more clearly in writing, than face to face. I just took another of those Facebook personality tests; I registered pretty high on reason, emotional stability... but the standout surprise was sensitivity. Not exactly the same as being chronically offended, or empathetic... I interpret sensitivity to mean I have a lot of psychic "nerve endings" around me that pick up a constant flow of data that is channelled into my brain... subtle smells, a minor cue from someone's facial expression or body language... and this is why new situations and large groups of people are unpleasant for me. My brain is over-taxed trying to stay on top of that in-flowing data. I don't focus OUT what I'm not focused ON. Or something like that. It was a survival skill, as a kid.
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So, in light of the above, I have to tell you ladies (and Dr G and Mud)... I was approached in a PM, at another forum, by someone who delicately expressed (if that's at all possible) that he was interested in getting to know me because he's looking for a life partner. My initial reaction was "OH BUGGER, just what I need right now...NOT." He isn't someone I had regular interactions with. But I had asked a question about the practical issues surrounding trying to homestead alone a couple months ago. It's still on the first page of posts - a lot of women have sharing ideas and tips; and the men are explaining some things that they do to cope with working alone, aging, etc.
After my shock that anyone would find me interesting enough to get to know me better (yep; that's still there)... I decided to tell him I wasn't actively looking, but that I hadn't ruled it out either. We agreed to correspond, in order to decide if we should meet -- yes, I know; public places and all that; I did this back in the 80s too; "personal ads" -- and well, y'all know how verbose I can be. LOL. Poor guy has a lot to read and think about, as I scatter clues about me throughout the reader's digest version of my 3 marriages. (That was all to be fair, when I asked him if he'd ever been married... I still feel asking questions of people is rude; damn those taboos!!) I also checked with a moderator who's a friend of mine, if there were any red flags... nope, in fact he'd been helpful to her on some forum projects.
So, I'm watching for my usual "scare them off" tactics or tendency to run the other way and quickly slam the door reaction. I'm also slow-walking this whole process, because I still have things I want to do; I explained how I really wanted this opportunity to just be ME, without someone else's needs or dreams or feelings to consider as I make decisions. It would be really NICE to add another male friend -- I have more than one, online. We care about each other as friends and there is nothing more to it. It's a level of security that feels right, these days. Without commitment into a relationship that could be awkward, for a number of different reasons.
There are a couple different ways to look at "how long it's been". It's been 4 months since Mike died; 9 months since he started seriously "fading out" - not having energy or participating in much of anything; and over a year since he started to withdraw into himself... and away from the relationship and me. And if I spend the time to look long enough, I could probably see "signs" going back several years to point at, and say "See? He wasn't there for me." Or, he was dependent on me more than I was able to be on him -- because he was asleep, physically couldn't help, or something. Mike's D and I both think he would've been diagnosed for treatment at the time we moved down here. That was 6 years ago. So, it's not too soon for me to think about getting to know guys at perhaps a more intimate level again.
I hate to tell these guys, though... the bar is set rather high these days and I'm pretty sure I don't swoon. (Altho, part of me wouldn't be upset if that happened again.... LOL). It's kinda hard for that to happen just writing online... but it's NOT impossible. BTDT :D
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I don't know, Amber:
Maybe the possibilities are increased online?
It's not about anything but cerebral sharing.... I think EASIER to make connections when we're not pointing our toes, or worrying about chemistry... too much? Oh dear... not enough?
Just stretch your emotional legs, be yourself, and try to relax.
You're allowed to make connections without assignig a label.
Is this fellowship? Romance? Both?
You won't know till you do some research, and it's OK to go slow. You don't have to tell him everything up front. There can be levels and layers to this thing. Trust is something he'll earn, and he doesn't automatically get to see the entire Amber show, bc he's asking.
Take things in stages. Observe how YOU feel, bc it's not all about how he feels.
No matter what, this is a learning experience, and you deserve to have this friendship.
Lighter
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I love reading about the party. It is all so touching to me - from the very concept to the details you have written about; the food, exploding cheese, the music, Margaritaville Pirate Flag, the rain and afterparty. Your words paint such a vivid picture, like a beloved scene in a novel.
I feel sustained though the powerful evocation of the cycles of life and love.
So thankful for your online presence in my life.
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Well, Lighter... the online format can also be the source of many misunderstandings.
Before I went to the cabin, I'd given him my personal snapshot review of my 3 marriages in a longish letter and asked if he'd ever been married. (There is something on my radar that tells me, maybe NOT.) I didn't hear anything back for days... so I figured that much scared him off. And if that was the case - it's for the best. I can have a strong, overbearing, passionate energy about me sometimes, when I'm not hiding under a bushel basket pleading with the world to accept me. I need a friend/partner that can handle that without being embarrassed and also has enough energy to balance that.
So I get back, and he's quoting my last message and trying to surmise why I haven't responded to HIS response to the question (which doesn't exist in my inbox)... and assuming I don't want to correspond. Well, that's not very persistent, is it? Easily dissuaded, huh? Or maybe pleading with and accustomed to the world not being all that accepting of him. He hasn't told me ANYTHING about himself, which is why I asked the direct question. And I get suspicious, when a person won't talk about themselves at least in descriptive narrative biography form. So that's where it stands right now. I'm not encouraged to direct energy that direction right now -- I have big projects on my to-do list!! ;)
GS, sweetie... I'm happy you're here during this time I'm sorting out again, too. You journey inward to YOU - is quite the adventure, as you discover your real strengths - and the things you want to work on. I won't call them weaknesses, because really, what they are is your humanity. We can't ever be perfectly all things. And it may change depending on the day, the tides, and the moon too. ;)
That dream I had was ODD, in many ways. D#1 represented all the people who expect me fix their problems for them, I think... without ever offering me a thing in return. Yesterday's call from my mother was 40 minutes of her blabbing away with hardly a breath in-between and instantaneous shifts in subjects - if that was stream of consciousness, it's chaotic. And of course, she was talking AT me, not TO me, the whole time. I've gotten better at saying, I have to go now... (having done my good deed for the day; it doesn't bother me as much not having someone to talk to)... and then she lets on, that she had to have a rest for awhile but that she feels compelled to "do" something; a conflict she passed on to me. Well guess what? I've learned to ignore the "go do something" too. I can just sit and "be" a lot more than I used to. My mom is constantly seeking that parent-child duality of a relationship - it's the only one she's capable of - but she always wants to be the child in that duality. Just like D#1.
The contractors... well, I have a lot of irons in the fire. I've handed off tasks to various companies/people and they are to "get back to me" with estimates, quotes, ideas, etc. It's been 2 weeks... and well, I'm still not a patient person when I can clearly see what needs "doing". Even though I'm getting better at NOT seeing stuff, on purpose. It's all about choices. Maybe, too - the fact the guys were here working and I knew nothing about expecting them in the dream - was some kind communication issue. Maybe I'm not setting deadlines, being too accommodating. Too "nice". Time to dig out the drill sargent, where ever I put her. I've rationalized getting all this stuff started as contributing to making this property attractive to a potential buyer - or just to make it satisfy my sense of "order" for however much longer I stay here. Some of the tasks have been "on the list" since we moved in.
The yacht club people were having a meeting at my house (again, I wasn't privy to the planning or expecting them in the dream). There have been meetings here in the past -- and the comments about the house went a long, long way to meeting Mike's materialistic, status-symbol conscious sense of needing to "belong" in that group. I would always go hide, because I didn't want to get sucked into volunteering or coming up with ideas or anything... I wanted Mike to have HIS thing and HIS friends... so I could have a little breathing room and solitude. I simply didn't care for all of that... and truly, I've never been that "needy" for being part of a group. Sometimes the price is more than I want to pay, you know? And yes, I know that means I'm a bit of a control freak - I want to live my life on my terms and feel comfortable in my own skin doing it, without being tagged "anti-social", defensive or anything like that. I am just a little different than a lot of people in how much interaction I "need", even if I share the same need for connection, self-efficacy, and autonomy as everyone else.
I understand, too, that the world doesn't always keep what I "need" waiting for me, when I'm ready to participate. LOL... there's a price for maintaining this position, too.
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Golly, Amber.
You certainly gave this guy your honesty.
Considering his response....
maybe it's better that he didn't get your letter?
I'm less concerned about his lack of initiative than I am about his negative blaming assumptions.
Red flags all over the field for me.
And the lack of humor....
::shaking head::
Those might very well be deal breakers for me.
I'm hoping they'd be deal breakers for me.
Sorry that happened.
Lighter
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Oh, he got got my message. He's tried several times to reply - and I haven't gotten his responses. We have moved on to email and I was promised an inbox goodie this morning. One of the moderators at that forum, vouches for him... so I'll give it a chance. I can always use more friends. even if the other angles don't work out. I'm sure there will more to come on this front.
Meanwhile, I noticed I don't have nearly the same motivation to deal with this big old house here that I did before going to the cabin. I truly think I could just walk away and not look back. (She says, now...)
And I heard that another of Mike's racing team buddies has died (Monday) from the same thing. Stevie was only 55. There's enough of them now in heaven, to have a party.
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Amber:
The internet thing is a pleasant distraction, if nothing else for you. Good practice too.
About the house.... it takes so much energy, time, and money esp a house at the beach. Maybe you need a break from the constant grind of house maintenance?
Maybe it is time to do something else.
You don't have to make any decisions up front. You could consider leasing out or renting, just to see how it feels?
It would be a huge motivation to finish up projects, that's for sure.
Lighter
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It is crazy how technology works to help us communicate, except of course when it doesn't. .
About the house v the cabin, remember the wise adage about not making major decisions until a year has passed. You have time. And from what I have read across the years, you have reason to trust your judgement on such I,portent decisions.
I'll end by acknowledging how I understand your post about your mother. My mother was always in need of my mothering. Here's to you sense of boundaries!
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Ever thought of a lovely condo in a quaint small town in a nature area?
Seems sorta in between ocean and mtns, I guess.
You could have your introvert space but when you do need people,
find the cafe...and hear some good gittar.
hugs
Hops
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:D Hops
Possibly. Lots of "possibly s" right now. I drove past coming down Afton Mtn. I'm looking for a "sign"... another roadside attraction... some place that needs to be "filled" with what I can bring to it.
Another dream this morning:
A bunch of people including me and mine, were rounded up and evaluated by people who spoke some slavic language. I was deemed "safe" to release, and given papers, a bag of food and some money and sent on my way... and when I asked if I would be rejoined with Mike, there was only the shushing, and hurrying to send me off. And I woke up hollaring his name in my dream. He was no where to be found.
SIGH.
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Well, I'm not rushing ANY major decisions... but that doesn't mean I can't start exploring some of those possibilities.
As they say in the financial world: past performance is no guarantee of future returns. And that goes for me, too. I am definitely different than I used to be -- back when I was chomping at the bit to immerse myself in "life", and conquer all the challenges it could throw at me. Back when I wanted to sample everything, to make that call for myself - like? don't like?
Something wacky has happened to my social persona however. Telling the story of my first night at the cabin, there is some other "character" in me waking up. The one without a bushel basket over her head, peeping out through the slats to see if it's going to be OK to be me. One who CAN talk, CAN negotiate, CAN set boundaries with other people... and without being too awkward about it. Just more, honoring my own little spot on the path I'm on. It's actually been good that people laughed at how I solved my problem. I can definitely see the humor in it... despite my own angst and (hops: I need a word here... for exasperation, disbelief, and mild disapproval)... at myself.
But I'm also really aware of how I feel here back at the beach. It's not that there are ghosts; that it's too big and empty; or that there is still so much left "to do"... I'm OK with all of that. I think. It's part of the process. I am dealing with pollen season - and it's everything at once this year - so I'm hoping in another week most of it will be down. It's almost like this place was always a "way station" in my mind; a resort hotel where the guests tend to stay a little longer. A place to cut loose, have a lot of disreputable fun in a safe, controlled environment where no one else will be disturbed. But it's like junk food; empty calories; nothing nutritious to really connect me to "place". People, I'm more connected to here... and even in that case, I've stayed at arms distance a lot. This place is very much a caravanserai -- an oasis on the silk road of life; an intersection of different cultures of people who stay awhile... before moving on again. Very FEW come and really stay.
It's funny how things become "I can'ts" too... because you know the partner in the relationship wouldn't approve or wouldn't like it. How one steps back half a step, and lets them step up into the spotlight or to be the "voice" for both of you.
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mild opprobrium
(Couldn't manage only one...)
Hops
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I think my brain was reaching for "consternation", Hops. There's a vague term that covers the mixture of emotions - HA. Of course I thought of it an hour or two after I posted, when I was thinking of something else. Just the way it works sometimes.
Yeah, so I've been sitting watching the days go by. Oops it's morning again... how did it get to supper time... and I still haven't done anything? I don't necessarily LIKE this state - I think I'm even getting a little bored, if you can imagine; I can't - I almost never describe myself as bored. I don't like that I get to the end of the week, and I still have the same to-do list as Monday. (Minus a few things, in reality, that I DID take care of, just don't give myself credit for.) But this week has been another moving through thick jello atmosphere week. It's just really hard to feel different than just reassuring myself that I'm breathing... I still feel pain... and there is nothing saying I HAVE to do _____ right now.
I had found a property closer to the cabin that I was interested in. Called and left voicemail the day I drove up there. Of course, without phone or internet, wasn't much I could do while at the cabin. Then, I'd sent a message through the website; through the listing website too... and it's been over a week and no one has gotten back in touch. All week, I thought about calling into the office and asking them if they had any interest in selling that property at all (Twiggy lives! :D ) since they couldn't be bothered to at least acknowledge me. But I didn't. I almost feel like I need to go with the flow some on this... let myself be guided by the universe, instead of imposing what I THINK I want on it. Wait for it to clearly indicate what direction I should head in. The cabin itself is a keeper. Whether I end up there full-time or not - it's a great little spot to drop out of the world's insane goings on and just be quiet.
This place is.... too big; too "over the top" ostentatious for me. Too decadent... and encouraging of sloth. Yeah, I might be able to "edit" it into something more productive. But I'm not going to be able to fight mother nature - outside property - all by myself. She's definitely winning here. I started the process, of looking to trade-in the truck for something I'm more able to handle. I have a few maintenance things to take care by myself on it, get it able to get it into the shop... and then it'll be ready for trade-in. Whatever I end up with will still be able to pull the boat out of the water. My old jeep is back in commission; I've really missed driving old Rudicon and the stick shift. He's been tastefully red-necked up a little bit with a lift and bigger tires and except for tight turning, I don't even notice it. It looks proportional to the extended body.
I wouldn't say that I'm grieving here, so much... as maybe overwhelmed. Despite the herculean effort of the phase 1 purge of stuff just taking up space... there is yet more to go. And since I have a new "pen pal"... who is interested in a relationship with another homesteader... I think I'm feeling just a little guilty too. Not so much what other people might think about whether it's "too soon", but just... well, it's Mike I'm missing and I don't know that I want someone else to step into that spot just yet. But if I don't leave the door open - and keep it clear in my head that they are a completely different person - well, then I guess I'd be choosing to NOT go down that path at this time. And I'm not sure the universe plays nice, when it's gifts and opportunities are rejected. It could be a long, long while before the opportunity would come around again. So, I'm staying safe... and going slow... and I'm not being pushed. And meanwhile, keeping my eyes open for others who express the same desire for meeting someone. (There's this guy in Montana that sounds outgoing & fun.... I threw a little bait his way; we'll see if he bites.)
And the rest of the time, I'm using the "slow" clock hands to listen for what I really WANT to do "next"... instead of what the situation seems to dictate or require or is tempting me with. We're being blessed with a really long spring here -- and I should be outside doing those chores I wanted the contractor to do. I haven't heard back from him in 3 weeks. I'm about ready to call another guy.
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Guilt sucks, Amber.
I'm glad you're going with the flow, and just letting the new pen pal thing be.
Mike wouldn't want you to be alone always. He just wouldn't.
I bet it's a relief to think about not having to care for the big place, and all that outdoor scape for always.
Time to start asking for names of other contractors. perhaps. There might be a great contractor out there that makes residual chores happy ones, instead of dreaded ones.
You're moving through this as well as can be expected. Don't forget to give yourself pats on the back too, ((Amber)).
Lighter
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Fascinating thing:
It seems like such an uphill battle to get all the things on my list done. I feel like I have to drive myself to complete them before taking care of myself even... but in reality, there are whole days where I simply can't convince myself that anything is that important except letting my head & body rest. Yet despite this, the post-it note lists are getting tossed and replaced... and we simply keep moving on to new things; new phases of the to-do's.
You're right about this "big old house". It no longer "suits me" - my idea of being here and what it would be like has now changed. I'm making progress on the stable of vehicles this month... which I hope means I can get to work on the garage. Friend of mine lost his tools in a fire; I think I know a way to solve his & my problem at the same time. ;)
I am keeping a close eye on myself with the pen pal. Already noticed that I check the email 10 times a day, to see if I have a new note. I am happy that anyone even deigned to "notice" me and encouraged that they would take the chance - with little to no prior contact - to make the inquiry. I blab on & on, about stuff because I feel some days, I've taken a vow of silence around here. So I make it a point to talk to the cat, just to hear my own voice. If nothing else, I'm making a new friend that - should I settle at the cabin - would be almost a neighbor (next county over). That's JUST as important to me right now as any kind of committed relationship.
I am a tad lonely; and will talk someone's ear off. And I'm still very much missing Mike. It seems that about the time I'm getting fully engaged in making progress onwards... someone has to post something or a picture on FB... or say something and I'm spending mornings thinking about him and talking to him again. And honestly, I think the house has something to do with that too. Even though, "Phase 1" of reclaiming it for myself was successfully completed. Blech!!!!!!!!!!
This is why it's nice to have a place to run away too. Even though there's no tv; no phones; no cell service... and bears that can eat a person... and dumb things we all do... Holly really wants me to visit her in Baltimore too. But the thought of me driving in the city again - uh.... not this girl. I turn into a Nascar, bump & grind & run 'em off the road redneck... LOL. I wasn't ever able to relax when I lived there (only 6 months) - just from the sensory overload. It's true she & Matt live in a quieter neighborhood... teleportation!! That's the ticket - beam me up, Holly.
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Amber:
THUMBS UP on the tool situation. Kondo would have you thank those tools for helping you and Mike through the years, then thank them for the service they'll provide to your friend. Pass them on. What a wonderful idea you had. The energy in your post lifted when you wrote about it. Yes: )
About the cabin..... I get the feeling it's a wonderful retreat, but too much time there, right now, works against you? Maybe that's not the case, but it squeezed my heart to read about the seclusion, and lack of contact.
;
About the house.... it's full of bitter sweet memories, of course it is. There's unfinished business, perhaps, but that's something you'll be able to put down, soon, I hope. What you can't put down are the endless to do lists, and dependency on men you don't trust, or feel comfortable having in your space. The more you write about it, the more positive you seem to feel about putting it down.
One thing to remember is.... you don't have to buy another house anytime soon. You can let this one go, bc it's time, and not commit to an new one..... until you're ready? Do you have to? Can you travel to all the places that interest you, and rent? Try them and the people on?
I think you should go laugh with Holly for a bit. Why do you have to drive?
((((Amber))))
Lighter
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Well, this is probably the most intense thing in life that I've been through - since Twiggy's ordeal. At least, that's the conclusion I'm coming to. And yes, I feel it physically, as well as emotionally and even see it in my mental processes. Started writing it all out up at the cabin... just to get it "out" of my head... all the blather about this, that & the other things.
Whether the experience invokes all the old lizard-brain fears and instincts for preservation... or whether it's opened a potential for finally resolving some things I've struggled with since then, I can't say for sure. What I do sense is the kind "friction" or tension building, that always preceeded some new creative challenge. Making something out nothing but raw materials, and processing them in a specific way to make them intrinsically part of something "new" that satisfies a craving in my brain to "get it out there"... so others could see, feel and perhaps understand. To connect on a deeper level.
Being alone makes the most sense to me right now. I do talk to people online - and that's been happy, helpful and productive. If anything, I'm more isolated here at the beach, locked away in a neighborhood full of people who live entirely different kinds of lives than I do, or have over the years. It's not that they're bad people at all... but I don't relate to wine tastings, gym commitments, golf or book clubs. It all seems like a desperate attempt to pass the time of their lives without any real effort on their part. "Entertain me" type thing. Some still work; mostly as realtors. I'm pretty sure most of them have never struggled to be or have anything they can claim with 100% certainty is "theirs" in their lives. Everything was always "easy street".
Maybe the conceit is that, this kind of self-examination and struggle and "becoming" is more valuable and worthwhile a use of time on this earth than eating, drinking & making merry. I dunno. Not for me to say really, but it's hard to connect from two such disparate sets of experience with life. I certainly feel more real and more "me" with the folks living so close to the edge with mother nature... who understand that showing up; making the effort; and sometimes taking some risks... is all part of being alive. We do what we have to, to survive. I'm way more comfortable in that environment.
Everyone says travel. I can't think of anything that would be more torturous and sheer hell than forcing myself into crowded airports; or driving hours & hours and eating bad road food... and staying in anonymous hotels. (Yes, I do have an affinity for the anonymous hotel room however... it's some creative symbol.) Cruises, the same. It isn't worth the forced tolerance of crowds of people for me to try to go somewhere to get away from them. LOL. After my last trip into O'Hare, I've sworn I won't fly anymore... coming in - the signage was so bad that I was wandering around lost, like some little kid who let go of mom's hand, looking for the shuttle to the car rental area. I literally couldn't SEE any signs. Flying back out, I almost missed my flight because TSA couldn't figure out that a horizontal piece of metal trim on my wallet was NOT a KNIFE. I've been through customs at Heathrow & Frankfort. It's not pleasant; it's quite intrusive and puts Twiggy right front & center again. No thank you.
I'm a tad more in control while driving, but my body has limits - depending on traffic. If the traffic is fairly calm & light, I can drive maybe 7 hrs a day. That's how long it takes to get to the cabin from here. If I go visit the business this year, that means I overnight twice in hotels just to GET THERE. And then, live in the hotel long enough to recover and do the trip again back home. That's life living at "world's end"... halfway out in the Atlantic. LOL. You can't get there from here.
Whatever; since the old stuff about self-care; not beating myself up over things; etc has returned to fill the space in my life right now... I figure it's as good a time as any to just DEAL WITH IT, once and for all. Figure out why this gets in my way so much; put a stake in it; and trash it, if I can. My new pen pal isn't a threat. I think he's just as wary of me, as I am of him... so things are staying practical, "getting to know you", and moving at a pretty slow pace. I'm being 100% myself right now, and not making any promises about anything... including if I won't change my mind about getting to know him. He is in the next county from where the cabin is, though. And you DO NEED friends out there for the things that take more than one person... so I'm trying not to terrify him, too.
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Amber:
You're doing an amazing job working through everything on your plate.
Sorting through what you like, and don't like, with economy of motion seems to be one of your strengths; )
Lighter
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OH PR, I related to so many moments in this.
I can do golf clubs and wine tastings if I have enough wine to take a nap on the floor in the middle of them...
And I tried solo vacations and travel many times, but without a destination that included anybody who loved me, the experience turned depressing. I passionately love exploration but there came a point when not sharing it made it emotionally wiser to stay.
Be aware of the built-in isolation of place, is all I'd say. Whatever place.
love,
Hops
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I hear that Hops. Isolation is really a double-edged sword. And while I'm comfortable with more of it than some people, even I have my limits.
I was talking to the only trash pickup company at the cabin... and he kept asking: are you near such & such? Is this the such & such person's place? And had to keep repeating: I don't know a single soul up there, so I can't really say. So, he told me where the nearest forest ranger lives. LOL.
As it turns out (coincidence? providence? a wicked sense of humor in the divine?)... my new pen pal - guy that I've been talking to is located a whole lot closer to the cabin than I originally expected. As in, he's almost in the neighborhood. Far enough away, that should we try to move forward with a relationship, we could still have separate locations and not be "long distance". I kind of like that, because I kind of like this guy. He was a single dad - 5 kids - and was telling me a story of how the neighbor boys follow him around while he's working and ask incessant questions. It shows a sensitive, caring side of him anyway.
We also have similar music tastes -- Youtube is real handy for sending a link, saying - hey I really liked this, what do you think? And compatible skillsets, too, for making a life in that area. (It was a tad too far on the wilderness side, for Mike's background, to do more than visit.) So, I took it another step and sent new-guy a picture. This might be a hard step for him; remains to be seen -- I'm waiting on a reply. But my imagination's working over-time conjuring men in kilts, built like castles, etc. We're past the stage of choosing someone on looks alone (as if that was ever a good idea)... and I've always appreciated how faces "weather" over the years... so I hope he's not TOO shy, to do this.
Other than that, I'm still chasing after contractors here and at the cabin, trying to get things taken care of - without doing everything all by myself.
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Hi Amber,
New Pen Pal Guy sounds promising, but, please, would you please find a company to run a background check on him, to confirm he is who he presents himself to be? Just want you to be safe & happy.
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I hear that too, Ann. I've run a lot of the "worst-case scenarios" through my head already. :shock:
Thank the lord, I'm not a novice at relationships - and neither am I driven by an obsessive need to get paired up again, asap. For whatever reason, I know I have been in the past. I think I'm finally beyond that. Maybe that's the attachment thing at the core; the needing to be mirrored... protected... valued. But I don't HAVE to now. And the times I've been overwhelmed with emotional "need" here lately - I'm looking for Mike, and who he was - to bounce me off of. Not anyone else. But, he's gone... and I have to either find a way to deal with those moments myself... or let other people stand in and try.
So, not running toward anyone or away from me. I think I'm looking for a structured type of arrangement now, as well. Wherein we both stay independent, separate, whole in ourselves... in some areas of life... while we participate together on some various projects, to our benefit. That leaves us both free to live our lives, while still sharing some of the experience with each other. I can tell you I never thought about designing a relationship before. With all it's boundaries, etc. And it's kind of an intriguing idea. Because it's just a little much to expect other people to think about things that way - ya know? They think about having likes/dislikes, activities, and interests in common... and chemistry... all the fuzzy, vague, mooshy, "meat space" stuff instead. (At least I did, way back when.)
Nowadays, I'm looking for honesty, integrity, someone who has invested time in their own life and being themselves - and who is comfortable in their own skin... and it's way less about some lizard-brain "thrill" or emotionally imaginative fantasy. I think he & I have both decided that the first possible stage after getting to know you exchanges... is perhaps being friends and neighbors. And he's not broke, apparently... but that's a longer story and I'm on a deadline to set out whatever I don't want out front to be picked up tomorrow morning.
Autumn came down over the weekend and took the mustang back with her. So I have an open bay in the garage downstairs... which will let me start sorting even more. It's going to be a long day today. Should be productive too.
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Amber,
Please forgive me if I sound paranoid, but remember the contractor who saw Mike's trucks/cars? Some may view you as a woman &/or "widow" with "property". I don't see you like that, I see you as Amber, a spunky, intelligent woman, but others might view you that way. So, please be careful.
Please forgive me again if I scare the carp out of you or exceed a boundary, but please check out this web site: http://www.lovefraud.com
It's a scary web site, but it's real.
Sorry,
ann
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Hey Ann, even my sweet Mikey lied to me about his finances... by simply not talking about them. And he told me enough true details about his previous relationships (that I could verify) I had no reason to suspect there was a bit of a problem. (I think it was sorta related to the "collecting/hoarding/shopaholic" issue he had.)
Men are insecure about pursuing relationships - I think, to a higher degree than women are - so much so, that when they are attracted to a strong woman there's a bit of panic involved that they might be found "wanting" on some level. Not good enough; not man enough. We could have a whole thread on our theories about why this is so... but it's only gotten worse since the 70s. (My definition of a strong woman, is someone independent who won't be pushed around and knows herself very well and can - and will - defend herself. Some guys whine and call us "difficult" - LOL.) But even strong women need to lean on someone, need some validation... someone to have their back and care about what they care about. We have a secret wish to NOT be strong all the time.
It's quite the intricate choreography - the "dance" that goes on between yin and yang; male & female. Even among myself and my online "adopted" big brothers... who want nothing from me. Ex#1 and #2, and various other relationships with abusive guys always happened because I was willing to overlook the obvious signs in exchange for that validation... for not being alone. My desperation to not be alone with myself got in the way of being able to easily predict that things wouldn't "end well". That seems to be gone - or the intensity reduced so much - that it's easy to go the other direction and think I can't be fooled anymore. Well, I could be. And if this one relationship that isn't even a relationship yet gets to that point, there probably will be a background check... and a pre-nup if we decide to marry... or I'll maintain completely separate finances. This guy is a man of some means. Of course, he could be mortgaged out the yin-yang, too... LOL. He's just as wary of me, which is a good sign.
But it's far too soon for that. We are still telling each other the current basic data about ourselves... and talking about homesteading topics... and walking through this step pretty slowly. He works sun up/sun down on his place -- and I'm still trying to get my head above the water line here, emotionally* (which I don't share much at all with him yet - that's too "sticky-icky" for a new friend) and un-burying myself from the weight of all the paper & other "stuff" that Mike left me with. So we don't even talk every day. Just being friends - for now - seems to suit both of us and there's no suggestion or rush for more than that. Yes, my old "need" whispers stupid stuff in my ear every now and then... but I've been watching for it and most assuredly am NOT afraid of being alone with myself anymore. That seemed to be the crux of all the stuff I worked out in therapy -- from one angle, anyway.
* On the processing the grief front, I seem to be regularly letting go - and fly - some anger lately. Just found another stash of stash of stuff that he promised to throw away and then hid from me. Sigh. I feel like I'm cleaning the aegean stables... which, in itself, is an old, old image that dates back to Twiggy days. I've been able to journal some - about letting go and moving forward at the same time - and how I'm working that process. I haven't felt that great, because I'm working in a lot of pollen and dirt and dust... and now we have another swamp fire that's beginning to send some fine ash our way too. I guess I'll break out the dust mask for working; I have been using Mike's rescue inhaler enough to be able to breathe at night without waking myself up coughing.
Also working through more "can'ts"... sometimes with flying colors, and sometimes with an "oops". My "oops" was trying to back up the boat trailer to where we've had it stored alongside the house, with the 22 ft long pickup truck. Trailers have tall poles on the back corner so a person can visually tell where it is.... IF you're looking at it. I guess I was looking at the other side, when I realized the nearest side to the house had caught on the door side lamp and pushed it off the wall. Hopefully the electricians will be here before it rains to see if it's possible to put it back on. Landscapers weed-eated my ground cover too... which was blooming; creeping phlox. Sigh. I can't care too much, since I'm so HAPPY to have the rest of the work they did done. Maybe it'll grow back. (This means they probably got the raspberries I put back there, too.)
The success, is that I CAN drive the pickup if I channel my "inner redneck" - LOL. The clutch and engine are just picky enough that you can't be gentle or tentative - you gotta drive it like you mean it. Manhandle it, it other words.
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Love your writing Skeptikal. It feels so grounded, do well thought through, so real.
Love to read your progress.
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Thanks TT. That's a useful site and I like how clearly she writes; specifics. I've had a productive week, so I'm going to hit the grocery store today and take the rest of the day off. Having something to read while I rest is great! Thank you.
New penpal runs a lot more to the other end of the scale... I get the distinct impression he's looking for a "work partner"; someone who shares many of the same interests and values; is practical to a fault... and has skills to compliment his areas of interest & expertise. The prototypical "geezers" relationship, I guess we could call it. He did make one short statement that any arrangement would need to be caring, as well.
If anything it was Michael that fit her description. But I think his neediness came from a place of real, low self-esteem; and a severe emotional wound as a young adult. And no, I didn't really trust in it, at the time. I kicked myself pretty good for being a real fool... and recognize the "too good to be true" feeling. He doted on me, was very gentle with me and supportive... and we were highly compatible except for the few things y'all have heard me complain about over the years. But it was a "velcro" relationship - any attempt to have my space; a bit of life that didn't include him and was just mine - was a threat to him. A rejection. Negation of his idea of "relationship".
My current list of "can'ts" that I'm working through all came about because Mike stepped right up into whatever role he saw as being the male's "province" - he drove everywhere and it was a rare occurrence for him to be a passenger while I drove. Same with social situations... he picked out what we went to. And if I suggested something I wanted to do... well, he encouraged me to go, but then would mope around and feel sorry for himself (yeah, emo-blackmail to make me feel guilty; I didn't fall for that) while I was gone. Or expressed how he worried about me... ie, creating the image/message that I wasn't an adult who could perfectly well take care of herself. Because that logic led to his mistaken idea that I didn't "need" him... which in his mind, was a rejection.
But he was very giving and sweet, right up to the end. (He was also pretty crabby and irritated and demanding and willful, too.) But not an N. Even though he fits a lot of the patterns. So thoughtful of others. And never needed anything back. Maybe there's such a thing as a playful harmless N, I dunno. I do know, that as I age I probably will need to depend on someone else more than I do now. But for now, at long long last, I feel like I am in the space where I "can" ... a lot of things. And I'm being real protective of that space and won't be giving that up easily or without some "negotiations of terms" ahead of time. Not until I'm ready.
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sKeP:
You're in a space where you can give your energy to yourself.... pick and choose what works for you, what you want more of, less of.
As you were saying.... I hope you do negotiate when the time comes to share your life with someone else.
About the Old Geezer relationship...... it might be that, it might not be. I don't think you'll know till actual chemistry and face to face variables are added in.
Lighter
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What I can say is that I will never willingly give over who I am to anything or anyone again.
TT, thank you.
(((((PR))))) What Lighter said, about ftf. Times 100.
Love to everybody,
Hops
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Well, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not entirely ready to take any guy/relationship as something entirely new and completely different - yet. Still a really strong wish and longing for what is gone. While I'm pretty sure not even quantum physics can make that possible... and the only other ways it's possible aren't in my control whatsoever... it's not fair to have a specific set of emotional criteria to fill and then expect someone new to fill it the exact same way. Penpal is gone this whole week, and I feel a sense of relief at not having to deal with it... I have to do the processing I need to do, emotionally.
Of course, my mom seems to have psychic powers and knows just when to make a nuisance of herself and whine about needing to see me. Which sets off a chain reaction in my mind, about how fast I can I load up the mio-mio and what I need so I can go to the cabin where no one can find me. She wants to drop a drama she has no business interfering in, on MY doorstep... and is all of a sudden (50 years too late) thinking I'm susceptible to flattery. [This is all another desperate ruse to paint my brother & his wife as stupid, evil people... and then "need" me to step in and take my turn again to play that role. Ain't happening. I can completely disappear and she will not find me.] Oh and bad-D is also trying to drag me into one of her life consequences, with the "poor me, Mommy will fix it" strategy. [I guess the assumption is, that I'm "all alone" and therefore have all the time in the world to devote to these people that if you give them an inch... they'll suck you dry to within an inch of your life force. Because the fact that I just might have things to do that involve just quietly being me never seems to enter into their consciousness as a possibility.]
Time to stop answering the phone again. I have an invitation to go out west for a week in June to stay with friends, and it will also take a week of travel (at least) to get there. A couple more things to do on the house here, and then I can lock it down, alarm it, and just walk away... and HIDE. It might be different if these people would ever remember that I'm going through my own life transition and might not have any extra emotional/intellectual strength to deal with THEIR problems after I take care of myself. I know better than to expect them to care about me, what I'm going through and to lend support. (Ha... that'll be a cold day in hell...) Fortunately, I do have that support (thank y'all)... and I am doing just fine. But I don't have room, or energy, right now, to "carry" anyone else.
Told my mom, I may not be here - I'm not always here - and I don't always know when I'm going anywhere... when she said she wanted to come visit me. Not answering the phone is the next step. And no, she can't simply just drive up to my house. It's always been this presumptious assumption that I'm going to take care of everyone that drives me to isolation and to hide; it's the only way I know to take care of myself -- while not threatening to shatter the delusion the Ns have -- that they have a relationship with me. And no, I don't feel a shred of guilt or sadness. It's them or me... and I choose ME.
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I envy your clarity, Amber.
And hidey holes.
Lighter
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LOL... the hidey holes are Twiggy's idea.
Boundaries or no... years of training, that I'm not always going to pick up the phone and be there for these people... they will persist until they have their pound of flesh. The old fixed idea of Twiggy's was simply trying to find someplace "safe". Not being "safe" at home, with her mom, was a damned serious issue and it still is. At least I don't feel guilty anymore, not being interested in those "other people dramas". If it's none of my business, it's none of my business - and I won't waste time listening to someone who feels justified in pronouncing judgement on the characters in the drama, nor satisfy their insistence on "what should I do?"... beyond telling them to mind their own business. Most of the time, my mom is seeing my niece & nephew as my brother & I... and even uses our names when talking about them. It's an instant-replay, probably a wish for a do-over, and for me: a fabulous study of what (in my mom) is so broken that it affected me. It's icky and weird... but useful information.
I think I want to warn her: don't put me in a position where I feel I have to fight back, to defend myself. Pay attention to my boundaries and respect them. Because when I react, I will not be able to control the intensity of the reaction. Tactically, that's a mistake. And there are still ways to avoid the confrontation completely. I don't see any justice or karma or anything like that, that would be served well in such a confrontation. She still doesn't believe she did anything wrong - and completely denies reality, in some cases. She's still arguing about a change that was made to my Dad's surname; who made it and when. LIKE IT MATTERS now... sigh. Like the is the expert and is always totally right.
Yeah; I think it's time to let the phone go to voicemail. When she whines about having called my cellphone, I'll just have to explain there's no service some places I go. (It's not QUITE a cave... LOL.) I'm getting close enough to the point, where there won't be any more "mikey" stuff to take care of... and I'm expecting that to be another big emotional transition. I don't need OPPs (other people's problems).
We come into this life alone... and go out the same way. Mike remarked on that a lot - how alone he felt. I started taking care of myself (as well as him) almost immediately... or there would've been two patients. He couldn't really understand why I did that. What he was beginning to go through, he couldn't appreciate at ALL the impact on me. And I did understand that; I tried to be with him, as much as I could. But he was in his own "new space" and didn't understand. Even after I vented my frustration at him. It made me realize that he really did have a problem with being alone; he really did need other other people and interaction with them.
For whatever reason, I am OK with myself alone. I still think I'm pretty lazy when I don't work 10-12 hours a day like a teamster... LOL... but I have to remind myself how many years I was told to "sit down", "come talk to me", etc. I do have a tendency to become "chatty Cathy" when I have a captive "rent a man" around - LOL. And I'm talking about myself... more than conversing, having a dialogue. So there are impacts from being alone... and I suppose that has to end sooner or later. I am not self-destructive; I'm not going crazy; I'm not a prisoner of the house - I do make the rounds for shopping (although I still have to cross the bridge of going out to eat alone; just not ready for that yet).
But the hidey holes are true retreats and are meant to provide a space for all the "new" and "me" I can stand. And to REST too.
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Amber:
I agree that warning Ns is a tactical mistake.
I wish I had your discipline where (one particular) flying monkey in my life is concerned.
::sad nodding::
I have a soft spot for that little monkey.
::sad nodding::
About your being done with Mike stuff soon. I think it's going to be there for a while. At least a year, maybe longer. Expect it to pop up, intensely at times, when you least expect it.
And that's OK too.
Lighter
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LOL... when you're Light... you're Right. LOL.
Don't you know, right after you posted that, I got slammed again? Well, yeah.
I've been busy again AFTER that. Washed 3 years of pollen off his truck, and it only took me a few hours - where he always told me it took a whole day. So, I started remembering all the times I could've taken care of stuff of stuff like this... if he'd only let me. But, he was going to get around to it - right after he had a nap, or something to eat... and well, now it's too late in the day to start. Better for it to just sit another month, or 12, getting cruftier. If I'd taken care of all of that too (on top of everything else) he'd never spend any time with me. And yes, he was "needy" that way. To the point where I'd finally have to yell at him that I needed some time alone to think - and get something done around here.
After awhile, it wasn't sweet anymore how he was "stuck on me". Even though I could appreciate that this is what he really thought it was, plain & simple. And I could even accept that, until it got on my last nerve.
It was a LONG time before the docs got involved, that he had started having problems. I've had time to think back now... at the all signs. I did notice them; I did suggest he go get checked out. And just like the truck - he'd get around to it. We all do, make time for the things we WANT to do... whether we admit that or not. Social stuff... for me... not so much. My D is afraid I'm not having enough "fun". It's real hard to get her to accept that looking down at my weed & leaf-free pool patio... and out to the short grass... is "fun" for me. It's not a "to-do" anymore... it's a "to-done". For awhile. It gives back, a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction; order and peace; control over my space... and the confidence that I CAN do a lot of things.
And that's how my few real-life friendships are too. They give something back. Social activity seems devoid of real thought, feelings, or concern. And I just don't "play"... even if I'm making something. I'm planning, imagining the process, looking at the complexity of the "doing"... and visualizing doing it from the place. Being in the "zone". Where one doesn't need to think consciously, watch oneself, or necessarily "feel" anything... one just IS and one IS "doing". That is what I think is "fun".
So, I've struggled with physical energy and stamina -- because I sat around so long, so Mike wouldn't feel "lonely" or miss me, while I worked. And that is something to explore about the putting down of my brushes & pencils... even though I haven't let them go: I needed that relationship enough that I was willing to sacrifice what makes me - me, for that. And having a relationship - and the time alone required for that "me" - were diametrically opposed. This was especially reinforced when he expressed feeling rejected when I would go do work. I felt all he wanted to spend time on was playing... and well, someone has wash & iron shirts, mow the lawn, do the dishes... be the grown up. I digress...
When we moved, I was in pretty good shape from tai chi. 5-6 years of not working, just playing and sitting... wore me out... added weight I've never ever had before... and made me pretty miserable. I wasn't being allowed the time to practice being in the "zone". I was more of a cabbage instead - vegetating. And indulging and seeking refuge back in my intellectual center... to the exclusion of most else, most of the time. This is what he directly said he wanted... and I wanted him to be happy.
So, I've gotten to the point of trying to unwind (realistically) the relationship. And all the various feelings involved in that.
The truck had been neglected - along with much else - for about 3 years. My online doc friend, pointed out (while I was still trying to understand everything I was dealing with, with Mike's care)... that I was doing a lot of "pre-grieving". Well, YEAH. It's not like the intuitive part of me didn't see this coming... while he & I did the head-game relationship dance. This had been years in the making and the relationship itself was cooling... flickering... each of us in our own corners wondering what the hell was going on. Me trying to talk and find out... him not saying anything except making re-assuring noises. Until it was so obvious, I couldn't sleep for crying, and then he'd give me his patent whiny line: "You never pay attention to me".
Arrrrrrggggggggghhhhhh.
I do, and I DON'T miss that... ya know? I could never get an honest straight answer from him about some things. He'd get a confused look in his eyes like he had no idea what I was even talking about... if I brought up how much he slept, for instance. And how it wasn't right; and it wasn't fair to me to just lay there on the couch until he died without finding out if he could get better. But he never did address it - if he knew - and I am not entirely sure he knew he was dying. Which led to the one statement that I'd like to take back, if I could. I was SOOOO angry; a full picture was forming in my mind of where he was physically - and it didn't have to be this way...
and I just came right out & said: If this is how you intend to leave me, you picked a really shitty way to do it.
That is exactly how I felt. That he couldn't be bothered or couldn't muster up the courage to go see a doc, while there was a possibility of treatment actually working, instead of fueling the downward cascade. That I didn't matter enough for him to do that; the relationship didn't matter. Years ago. When I'd begged him to. We were going to be geezers together... and he got there way ahead of me. That statement, I guess, was the declaration of the end of the relationship "as we knew it". At that point, it went full parent-child dependency on me. And I think he "gave up" the same day we first went to the doc and she sent him to the ER, who insisted on sending him right then & there to the big city hospital. Absolutely no fight, struggle or will to live. He just kept repeating how alone he felt... sigh. I didn't leave his side from that point on for more than an hour or two. I got up at 4 am to attend to him. But I simply couldn't drive in a nor-easter at 10 oclock at night for an hour and half, to someplace I hadn't been before... after being in med offices for 12 hours and only eating a cheeseburger. I had physical limitations too. And I needed to take care of myself... to be able to take care of him.
I know everyone has a choice about how they face death. But I intend to make that sucker work for me. And as long as there are post-it notes - or pencil & paper - I will always have a "to-do" list. LOL. Either for myself... or things I'm doing for others.
Things I didn't understand at the time, made sense now. Why he bought me a dozen pairs of jammies he thought I'd like, for instance. Things he thought I'd need after he was gone... because I'm the last one on the list to take care of. There just wasn't any figuring out his logic...
blather, blather
sniffle, sniffle
honk....
this is me letting go.
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(((Amber)))
This level of honesty is so painful, but epiphany, and release as well?
Saying to Mike,
"If this is how you picked to leave me..." wasn't nice, but it was your truth. You're entitled to your feelings, the same as Mike was. It's OK if you're not nice all the time. Who said we have to be nice all the time? They're wrong, IMO.
Mike was a kind man, and he'd want you to be whole and happy.
I'm curious to see what happens when you dust off your art supplies, and find your zone again.
Lighter
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WOW.
I am so so so impressed, Amber.
(Not to mention seeing for the first time very clearly how you best function in the world makes me think a homesteading partner or someone similar who is always, by definition, into DOING and COMPLETING...might be perfect for you!).
I don't think that thing you yelled at Mike was cruel or awful or terrible. I think it was honest, as well as true.
His clingy dependency would've driven me crazy too. And I'm an extravert. It's not a compliment to have someone so dependent on you that you feel smothered. Underneath his anxiety condition, he did, also, REALLY love you. Like a full being. But his most-frequent surface way of showing it must've made you feel like you were swimming through a kelp bed every damn day.
You loved him. He was weak. We all are weak in different ways. And it's okay that he was who he was. And who you were at the time was somebody who was used to fixing things, making things work, rescuing and advising messed-up kids, etc. To your own detriment at times.
How could you NOT have been frustrated by this side of Mike's otherwise-great nature? Of course that was hard to cope with! It's easy to understand why you let your own joys and self-care slide.
About his clutter and chaos and lack of cooperation in creating a home for you BOTH (not that anyone who loves perfection ever gets to dictate ALL the terms...but he really wasn't on the same page at all).... Those are very very very serious stresses.
Incompatibility in living standards is a biggie. With your orderly and aesthetic nature...plus his garage-sale man-cave happy-in-debris nature--these feelings were so so understandable.
I hope you ditch every shred of guilt when you feel anger looking back. You also have felt so much love looking back. One doesn't invalidate the other.
And I agree with Lighter. All this will rise and fall and surface and subside for a while more.
You are okay, and you are going to be okay.
Love,
Hops
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TT--thanks very much for sharing that website.
Hugely helpful, and as you say, a great primer for folks stepping out!
hugs
Hops
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Thanks all.
It is most definitely a PROCESS with no map; there is just living it. About the time I think I have a grasp of the process - oops - surprise! LOL. So far, I'm able to surf those waves... adjust... and then re-focus. Nothing yet has come up, that I didn't already acknowledge (at least partially)... feel... and just try to compromise on. If anything, the biggest adjustment I see is going to be not having to do any of that - I don't have to court anyone's approval, or support or participation in my choices. I don't have to put myself in that position again, either. Holly is definitely trying to work that side, out her fear that I need help... or that I'm too decrepit or emotionally bogged down to "do" exactly what I feel like I want to do. I don't want her to have to make room for me in her life on that kind of basis, yet. Plenty of time for me to be "old"... I'm just not there yet.
Being "social" means I have to acknowledge and deal with other people's feelings - not just mine. I maybe can do this a little at a time; talked to one of Mike's buddies Saturday, at our favorite tavern. I just can't do it a lot of people at once, without feeing surrounded by what feels like people poking me with pins and needles to see what comes out... and I just don't have the right words/experience/personality to know what to say or do, without being real defensive. Or mean. I will indeed "meltdown"... and it won't be pretty. I do defend myself.
I'm definitely getting back in physical shape. I have another tooth, that's bugging me that I knew I would have to deal with sooner or later and it looks like sooner. The truck is inspected and a few things fixed; I need to sell it because it's too big and a beast to drive. Pick that up today. Motorcycle, too. Quarterly bug spray is today... and I've put a deposit on the storm shutters for the last 2 pieces of glass downstairs. I can escape a little... and that's just what I'm going to do. Kitty gets to go, too. Been sleeping OK... I'm not depressed - yes, sometimes I get sad - that is different. Yes, I still avoid doing certain things because either I DON'T WANT TO or it feels like another step away from the past and I'm not quite ready to move that fast. But nothing is really "falling through the cracks".
It's only been 5 months - 7, if you count from the time I really did "know" what we faced. This is plenty of progress, I have "direction" for the future, I have a LOT of friends I can go visit in person - which entails some travel; another place to "land" that doesn't have the same history attached to it; and even a guy who wants to buy me a cup of coffee and a world-famous hotdog. I haven't scared him off yet. But I am also making sure he understands I might be going my own way and while I'm not opposed to having some company, I'm certainly not going to be clinging to HIM -- out of some rebound reflex or not being able to face myself alone situation. I'm kinda liking being alone, really. Companionship - that basic human connection - yeah, I do need some of that. Just not as much as other people.
I took one of those facebook personality tests that's making the rounds. Interesting results: I rated pretty high on the empathy side and all the "people-related" personality traits (extrovert)... but damn near off the charts for "sensitivity". Which is why I take so much personally, can't just "be" in groups of people and still feel comfortable, I guess. I'm sure a good portion of that is because even as a tiny little kid, I was isolated from other kids and simply wasn't "socialized" into that group. Being criticized for everything I said and did, didn't help either. (I didn't go to kindergarten). By the time I was in the 3rd grade... I'd already pretty much formed that hard crunchy shell around myself and that "inner marshmallow". By 5th grade - I'd finally made some friends - and then Twiggy went through her ordeals. And we moved.
Is there a how-to book for not interpreting people's comments and looks and concerns as a direct threat to one's well-being? LOL. I've noticed that a fair number of the people I'm close to are this way, too. Which is kinda interesting from a scientific point of view.
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Hi Amber:
I popped in for a second and saw the tooth problem.
Here's information on anti inflammatory my bio dentist wanted me to have anti inflammatory supplement for tooth distress.
The name of this anti inflammatory is ASTAXANTHIN.
It's found in algae, crustaceans, and small fish like Krill. Unlike most other oxidant scavengers, Astaxanthin can easily cross the blood -brain and eye barriers to benefit the brain and the eyes.
Excess sugars in the bloodstream cause inflammation and oxidative stress on cells throughout the body, including those in the pulp of a tooth.
The hippocampus is the part of the brain that stores memory and is particularly sensitive to glucose. Excess glucose damages brain cells, leading to neurological sensitive glucose. Excess glucose damages brain cells, leading to neurological diseases including cognitive impairment, Alzheimer's and Parkinson's.
The Amygdala is part of the brain that controls emotions Research results suggest that ASTAXANTHIN lessens oxidative damage and lipid peroxidation, thus preventing mitochondrial death inside cells.
The Journal of Clinical Biochemistry and Nutrition reported human studies demonstrating that ASTAXANTHIN provided a cognitive boost to the elderly.
In Dentistry, we have observed in the last few years that patients taking ASTAXANTHIN can sometimes reduce acute inflammation inside a tooth, helping it to reverse to a healthier, vital status, rather than progressing to the need of pulpal removal by root canal treatment or tooth extraction.
Supplementing daily with ASTAXANTHIN benefits almost every cell in the body. It's worth a try to help your tooth, and certainly to help your eyesight and brain. Research is rapidly expanding about it's value for neurological function.
Astaxanthin is available at Earth Fare and on line at Mercola.com and Life Extension.com.
Articles
Astaxathin - Search Results
Astaxathin - Search Results
Read and learn more about Astaxathin from these Mercola.com articles.
Shopping
Astaxanthin (90 per bottle): 1 bottle - Mercola.com
Astaxanthin (90 per bottle): 1 bottle - Mercola.com
Help fight the signs of aging and support joint and skeletal health with Astaxanthin, an antioxidant supplement.
It won't fix the problem, but might calm things down now, and protect in the future.
Lighter
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Well, for inflammation - curcumin seems to be doing the trick for me; the straight bio-active ingredient at 400 mg a day.
The tooth however, had been root canal'd... oh about 5 years ago. Right through a crown even. And that's how I wound up at this dentist. Turns out I somehow broke the root canal - the bits to replace a tooth's root - and of course, it's infected. So, that tooth came out yesterday in a much more invasive and extreme fashion than other extractions. Amoxicillin for 10 days; bone graft is already in and will require 4 MONTHS to heal and "take"; stitches come out on the 24th. Nitrous oxide to get me through the procedure - and high doses of antibiotic/ibuprofen ahead of time. Once the nitrous kicked in, I noticed the tears started to run... and he hadn't even started in yet. When he did - he had to give me more local painkiller - because I about came out of the chair. I think the nitrous relaxed all those "gatekeepers" I have around my emotions. I sure didn't care about the tears; when you're in that much pain and can't sleep and are that tired... you JUST DON'T CARE as long as someone is addressing the problem to make it better. And I was truly grateful that there was someone I trusted to make it better.
After the bone graft is set, then there's a post and the same process to make an impression for a crown - only this time, it's an implant. Bionic tooth! ;)
I've been itching to get to the cabin again - and planned to pack up this week. The universe has other plans - but I think I'm still going to get leave this week. I'm waiting on the pickup truck to be ready to pay for and bring home. Should've been ready Monday - but no call - so I made the dentist appt. Hurt like the dickens last night and ibuprofen wasn't helping; ice seemed to make it worse. So I'm still here messing around today - and have things to do to prepare to leave.
Going to make a date with penpal (who I asked to call me last night, so I could hear his voice - I needed a read on that while I was needy from the tooth.) while I'm up there. And also look at what appears to be a "move in ready" place, that attracted my attention online. And was about the only one out of thousands to do so. In both these areas, I'm looking for "kismet" -- I am not going to "will" or try to make anything that isn't right, happen. I'm not looking for romance out of a relationship, as much as I am, a "guy friend"; companionship. Someone to have my back, and vice versa. He isn't helping much in this "getting to know you stage" - but it's not that he's hiding anything - I think he's more shy than I am. And I think he has a pretty serious crush on me - LOL. I'll be kind, but I'll also be on alert. And I'll have a pre-set signal to get me out of the situation, regardless of how well it goes, or how spooky it is. Gotta love technology.
Yes public place of my choosing. I think I'm going to try for lunch instead of dinner - and work it around seeing this other property so that I have an easy topic to open conversation with. Since I ain't going to jump directly into -- is there an "us" and what is it like? JUST NOT THERE YET. I can't really get a read on this guy (there might be some aspie involved here) until I have a chance to read the look in his eye, how comfortable he is in public, how awkward (or not) the conversation is. He was truly flustered on the phone. Me, I just babble. It's something of Mike that's rubbed on me, and is a good thing - I can make conversation when I have to be in the presence of others. It just runs on, from one thing to the next with no pattern, though... LOL. And then I feel foolish later.
Nothing is set in stone yet, because I have other irons in the fire that might get scheduled and keep me from taking off. And of course, I need to be here to get my stitches out. And I'm not travelling ANYWHERE until the swelling goes down, I can eat whatever, and it stops hurting.
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Geesh, Amber... sorry about the tooth problem.
I so hate having dental work done. I'm the kind that jams her fingernails into her hands to get through it.
See about a good probiotic while taking those antibiotics, maybe?
I'll check out the curcumin and see if it passes through the blood brain and eye barriers? That's what's good about the ASTAXANTHIM.... it goes where others can't. My brain needs all the help it can get. Same for what my youngest dd calls my "old lady eyes."
Good luck to you during lunch with pen pal. I wish you could skip to a second face to face, just in case his nerves get the best of him when meeting new people.
One thing I want to say..... some of the most dysfunctional men I've dated appeared to be shy types.....
but they weren't.
They were imminently insecure beings, and once they perceived some measure of security in the relationship they began exerting crazy control tactics. Bleck blech blechity blech blech bleCK.
You sound great, despite the dental woes, btw.
Lighter
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This is opinionated but I hope helpful, and truly not meant to offend anyone. I just am super-cautious about health fads. (Plus, I took my ADD Rx today which makes me obsess and go on and ON about things I get interested in. Sigh.)
I spent most of my career in consumer health publishing and was trained to take special care with internet or TV doctors who evidence a lot of excess hostility (not that some isn't well deserved) toward modern medicine. Particularly when many of those same sources are selling unregulated dietary supplements and raking in mega-millions. Your local dedicated, well-educated MD may be well off, but not like that....
There is a LOT wrong with allopathic or "Western" medicine, including corruption from unacknowledged special-interest influences including big pharma, inadequate nutrition and prevention education (though that's changing) and without question, over-prescribing. On the other hand, it's made extraordinary progress, and is for the most part evidence based. I have a lot of respect for science overall (partly because I worked in a research university medical setting for years), and when push comes to shove--I trust the dedicated and underpaid scientists within mainstream medicine over supplement zillionaires. That said, I also like research and take several specific supplements. I always look up new supplement fads.
A good site is this one: http://www.berkeleywellness.com/supplements/other-supplements/article/astaxanthin-hype (http://www.berkeleywellness.com/supplements/other-supplements/article/astaxanthin-hype). It's calm but factual.
I've got nothing against chiropractic, and it was very helpful for my back pain. But personally I believe that the overblown claims and overreach of some who promote chiropractic or osteopathic or naturopathic medicine as the cure for everything--particularly while selling supplement products at the same time--are unethical. Homeopathy is hooey except for flu remedies which do have some evidence of efficacy. People who can barely afford to get by have spent billions on heavily-promoted supplements and "cures." I understand the mind-body connection and that belief-based cures can work. Placebo works very well too in many cases. Homeopathy is popular in the U.K. because the royal family uses it.
"Believing" in a doctor or clever marketing is no substitute for believing in science overall, imo. I am particularly skeptical of Mercola for trashing mammography, which has saved the lives of many women I know. I sniff enormous hubris. I even sniff narcissism.
All that said, this (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25995739 (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25995739)) indicates virtually no evidence for significant health claims. SLIGHT lowering of glucose levels, and zero effect on lipids. What's valuable about this type of study (a meta-analysis) is that it combines and validates from multiple well-controlled studies. So, in essence, it's a summary of the reputable evidence.
Between Dr. Oz, Mercola, and others who've gotten extremely wealthy pitching the view that they have "secret, insider or NEW discovery" knowledge that goes beyond un-exaggerated evidence (what's available) from the scientific community....people are credulous. The frustrating thing is that the scientific community COULD provide more reliable evidence con or pro for supplements, but lack of funding or governmental authority makes it completely impossible for them to keep up with the marketers. So consumers are stuck in the dark and become prey to hucksters with incredible promotional engines. It's a mess.
Antioxidants are very good things, when you get them from eating a variety of whole foods. This one is mostly a colorant added to animal feed. But taking it in pill form is unlikely to do anything special for health that a healthful diet can't do, and there may be risks--it also reduces calcium levels and alters the body's hormone levels. http://www.wisegeek.org/what-are-the-most-common-astaxanthin-side-effects.htm (http://www.wisegeek.org/what-are-the-most-common-astaxanthin-side-effects.htm) If you want some extra, imo, it'd be wiser to eat more salmon.
(Speaking of carotenoids, people gobbled high-dose beta-carotene supplements for years, which were pushed on the public in the very same way...until science found that these supplements increased lung cancer risk. Whoops.)
Europe is way ahead of the U.S. in caring about supplement/nutrient safety. One key observation they made in reviewing this one as a food additive (e.g., in animal feed) is that the recommended dose of the same antioxidant by supplement sellers of 4 mg/day is a three- to four-time higher intake than what's known to be safe from consuming foods that have it added. http://www.efsa.europa.eu/en/efsajournal/pub/3757 (http://www.efsa.europa.eu/en/efsajournal/pub/3757) There are NO long-term safety studies of high-dose astaxanthin supplements. Given the history of unregulated supplements (such as beta-carotene, contaminated l-tryptophan, many dangerous herbs, Chinese ingredients, etc.), long-term safety studies are important.
If you're going to risk it--here's what's known to be safe so far: 0.034 mg/kg bw per day. "Kg bw" means "per kilogram of body weight." Of course, since it comes in oil form in gel caps, how are you going to get a safe dosage...? And since many of these algae-based oils go rancid from oxidizing either in the capsule or due to careless processing (a rampant problem), you wind up consuming the OPPOSITE of an antioxidant--oxidized oils.
[Hope this helps too...it's more intelligent, comprehensive (and balanced) than what I wrote above:
http://www.chicagomag.com/Chicago-Magazine/February-2012/Dr-Joseph-Mercola-Visionary-or-Quack/ (http://www.chicagomag.com/Chicago-Magazine/February-2012/Dr-Joseph-Mercola-Visionary-or-Quack/)].
Love--
Hops
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Thanks for the information, Hops.
That's good information.
I do want to say that my dentist takes the Astaxanthin daily, and recommended it after I was having a bit of trouble calming a tooth down after having an amalgam filling replaced. HATED IT.
This is a "regular" Western dentist, but likely considered a bit "out there" as he doesn't use amalgam fillings, and goes through all the safety filters, and vacuums, and barriers to keep patients from breathing the amalgam dust, and swallowing chunks of the stuff. He tests ;patients to see which filling material is most compatible with their bio chemistry, hence the name "Biological Dentist." Completey different than a regular dentist.... and let me warn you... make sure you take something to keep your nose breathing passages open, bc you won't be able to breath through your mouth for close to an hour, IME. When one of my nose hole closed up during a procedure (allergy season) I thought my throat was closing up.... couldn't breath. Panic averted, and now I know to be proactive.
All other supplements are prescribed by an M.d. practicing integrative medicine. He works off of lab panels, and monitors changes, which have been very good I'm happy to report.
I don't believe in taking supplements without a medical professional monitoring them. Well..... maybe krill or fish oil, and multi vitamin, and a good pro biotic.... and that new anti inflammatory Astaxanthin; )
Glad to see you up and educating, Hops.
Thanks,
Light
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That doesn't really qualify as a rant, Hops. You kept everything calm and rational and on the level. I do give lessons... LOL.
Lighter, thanks for the reminder about probiotics. Brain not working quite up to par yet. From today's symptoms it's pretty clear that I need the antibiotics to get a "head start" on clearing the infection. I even closed my eyes for an hour - not quite asleep - but not awake either. I'm trying to at least stay up till 9:30, to take the day's last antibiotic before I totally crash.
It was an MD, who recommended the curcumin on another board, for arthritis. He also indicated the dosage. I don't have joint pain, but the flaky crap is back on my hands and they were also swelling. Next step, was my own research. I can see where McCormick might have an interest in selling more tumeric - but we're talking the extracted curcumin, here. They don't claim it cures the common cold, but that's quite a list in that study! ;) Some of it is supported with other research.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19594223
http://www.mccormickscienceinstitute.com/public/msi/assets/aggarwal_bioandmedicinal.pdf
Just like I do with any new herb or supplement, I take the recommended dose for a week - then take some time off. And note any changes. In a week, the swelling went down in my hands. (With no other reason for it.) Knowing I have a pretty strong placebo response - that's not enough time or relief to convince me yet. And since like Vitamin C, it clears the body quickly, I'm kind of testing whether it needs to be taken consistently, or not, to start the process of reversing certain symptoms.
I'm back on, after being in too much pain to take anything for a few days... and wanting the antibiotic to have plenty of room & time to start clearing the infection.
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I am so sorry that happened to you and your tooth, Amber.
At some point I'll have to drug myself to get through the dentist's door, I just know it. The older I get, the more I dread it.
Curcumin is going on my supp list. Thanks for providing the study.
::nodding::
Feel better,
Lighter
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Thanks for that kind-hearted reply, Lighter! (And, blush, I think I take more supplements than you do...) :oops:
And PR, you might wanna know that Spice Hunters was the least-contaminated brand of turmeric in a Consumer Lab test. The supplements are not regulated and 20% of the major brands they tested delivered no more than 15% of the promised amount of the key ingredient...
For anybody who wants to be sure about purity and potency, this is a great resource:
https://www.consumerlab.com/news/turmeric-cucumin-supplements-review/02_16_2011/ (https://www.consumerlab.com/news/turmeric-cucumin-supplements-review/02_16_2011/)
Whew.
I am removing my (fake) Dr. Hops hat and returning to couch-potato, major-hypocrite-struggling-to-move-her-fat-ass mode.
xxxxxooooo
Hops
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Hops, for the persuasion campaign of getting asses to move, I highly recommend listening to some Sweet Honey in the Rock. They'll probably have you rolling on the floor laughing, trying not to make a puddle, too. ;) (That can be a private moment, btw -- just you and the music and well, your dog is gonna look at you funny.)
Lighter, I didn't miss your "blechity, blech, blech" warning. Yeah, I know. I've run across a couple like that back in the day, myself. After I drew my boundary as clearly, but gently as I could yesterday - his reply was that he hasn't even attempted to get to know anyone of the female persuasion for a long time (once burned, twice shy) and is just way out of practice. From what I can tell, he hasn't made many online friends, either. Has a big family. (Is that banjo music I hear????? LOL....) And Ann's background check suggestion is beginning to sound better & better...
That could be one explanation for what I'm observing. But then, there's the other kind. And I've been dreaming a lot about my old Nboss lately... and don't consider that a good sign at ALL. Shopping... doesn't always end in buying. Cover all my bases and put my cavalry on "stand by"...
Have to call the dentist this morning; I think my stitches came undone. I am seeing white where I think the closed incision should be and the drainage down my throat at night is also:
blechikity, blech, bleck... gack...
I'm also getting the feeling that right now, until that incision heals and the stitches come out, I don't want to be 300 miles from my dentist. He really IS my friend, right now.
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Lighter, I want to thank you for "blechity blech blech." Socially acceptable yet really pungent. I love it!
PR, I'm so glad you're not letting yourself either fictionalize or freak out. Have you been reading A Fine Romance or something?
It's such a struggle to collect the information one needs while still remaining open enough to connect if connect you can.
Paranoia doesn't sound necessary but wariness does, and at the same time...it's one hour, one person, one time. That's all you need to think about when you first meet. It really can help lower the pressure, internal or otherwise.
About the babbling. I do that too. Sometimes though, I realize I need to take turns and even sit through some uncomfortable silence while Mr. Rustylungs steps up and talks too. Asking questions and really patiently listening to all of the answer. Asking a few followup questions too.
One more "tip" (from the queen of I-read-this-somewhere) is that first meetings are the BEST time to ask friendly-but-direct questions about someone's vision of their own life in 5 years, or whether they ever want to marry or have kids, or what their plans are for retirement, or ***what their mother was like***, friends, family, health. Not that you can cover all that in detail in a natural way. But as much as you can, ASK more than you ANSWER. Because it's on first meeting that someone is both: not yet committed so not defensive, and more likely to share/reveal who they really are.
It's been astonishing to me how many times I have looked back at Date #1 and realized it was All There. Little signs or even statements that in younger years, I'd have steamed right past because my internal romantic-fiction engine was so powerful.
And I am very sorry about your dental torture. You probably don't wanna watch Marathon Man right now.
love,
Hops
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LOL - good advice Hops. I still feel the conditioning about it being rude to ask questions of another person. (Gee thanks mom - just because you're a one-way monologue and don't want to know about other people, doesn't mean I'm that way! So there. :P ) I have to consciously work myself up to that, too. There's a fear of the reactionary: it's none of your business and I resent you asking... or it's not your place... etc. I have gotten better about spitting out the words to go with my own feelings, though. It's taken some years - and practice. I just have to work on those questions. I never would've thought to ask about his parents - at our age, I guess I feel it shouldn't be relevant anymore; we should've re-created ourselves outside of influence or abuse - but I think I just proved that assumption wrong, above. LOL.
No, I have enough experience that I could WRITE a book on male-female relationships and interactions. I certainly didn't live under any rocks that way. And with my mom issues, I have had more than the average number of guy friends - real, honest friends, since women terrified me (for good reason). They still do, you know? The amazons here have all been through the fire themselves, and that's a good bonding experience - things we have in common. We peek out from under our suits of armor visors and show ourselves to each other, more than what happens in social situations, face to face. And I'm still imagining the gossip-y whispers out there that go with the raised eyebrows and disapproving looks my direction... blechity blech blech.
But that doesn't mean I'm oblivious to the fact that some men are just bad; evil; and get off on hurting women AND hide it really well. I hope I've encountered most of the types, at one time or another in the past... and can still recognize that now. (Please don't let there me any new ones!)
Maybe it's a sign, that my tooth has been just a literal pain. (I had to go back yesterday because a stitch had popped loose.) The slight fever and wooziness and lack of ambition is postponing that trip and I'm having to just focus on me. Mike crosses my mind - but those feelings are quiet now - in the face of just taking care of myself and getting to the point where it stops hurting and I feel better. I just don't feel it's smart to tempt fate and try to push myself through 2 full days of driving... and since I lost this week, completely... not being at the cabin long enough to accomplish anything significant.
It never hurts to pause, when making transitions. And maybe I'm getting ornery-ier in my "old age". If I have to work that hard for something to work out, then it probably wasn't "meant to be" anyway... and I ignored the signs from the universe about another path or door that I just haven't seen yet.
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No question you're savvy, you old salt.
Been around the block, kicked the tires.
Everyone's different, and what works for one feels odd to another.
All that works for me, is to hold it all lightly (not indifferently, just with lightness
of heart) and on a first meeting--offer genuine goodwill without intimacy.
Goodwill is what my bulldozer is pushing toward them when we meet.
Intimacy is earned over time. (It's different from chemistry, which is beast sniffing beast...likee! But it can stay under the table.)
Maybe all this will make more sense after your tooth heals.
I'm glad you're giving yourself plenty of permission to do whatever feels okay when it feels that way.
And not before.
Big hug
Hops
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Hi Amber,
Sorry you're having dental issues. Had one myself recently, it also required antibiotics. So, yes, I agree that until you're outta the woods, your dentist is your best friend, so stay close.
I hope I've encountered most of the types, at one time or another in the past... and can still recognize that now. (Please don't let there me any new ones!)
Gee, I hate to keep sounding like a wet blanket, but... even Dr. Hervey Cleckley was fooled by an S-path. Here's info on Cleckley https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hervey_M._Cleckley.
I just want you to be safe & happy.
I'm not a fan of meeting people on line & prefer to meet them IRL because I can lay eyes on 'em & feel their vibe.
Your current guy is 300 miles away and he may be a great guy, but how about also doing some real life interacting? Are there any local museums or charities having social events?
Those things are good cuz you can focus on the museum or charity in case the social scene is disappointing. They're also good cuz you wind up supporting the museum or charity.
And Caveat: No matter where you meet someone (museum, charity, Buckingham Palace, etc), please do a background check before becoming deeply involved. There are fraudsters & con artists everywhere, but there are also good people, so we gotta separate the wheat from the chaff.
Feel better soon!
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Ann, not a wet blanket - instead, a protector - and that's valuable.
This place needs music. Try this on for size:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9QZRjiZh6pQ
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We DO need music: )
Lighter
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Nice tune! :D
Ann, do you have any suggestions on a cheapo way to do a background check?
(Not that I'm pressing forward with dating right now, but for future ref...)
Amber, you've practically been on a VESMB "Date Lab" (h/t Washington Post) before you find the coffee shop!
xo
Hops
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And a PS for PR on using a first date to gather as much information as possible (as first dates are when people try hardest to be open in order to connect, and "best behavior" instinctively includes sharing fairly freely to make a bond, etc.)...
IMN-HO, if I can ask just ONE question successfully during a first date, I will bring to the moment my friendliest, most genuinely un-threatening curiosity and calmest center and, knowing in my core that sharing is natural in a healthy system, and that as adults, what is best for us both is being grounded in whatever's real, say:
"What is/was your mother like?"
For me, this is probably the single most important opportunity I'll have to learn how this man feels in his deepest self about women, which will play out usually, in one form or another, in every relationship he has. If I'm seriously present to this moment, in loving and protective relationship with myself, I may have the chance to see:
An instant or even micro:
flash of affection
quick smile
softening of face
laugh
chuckle
opening of hands
nod
frown
shake of head
turn-away of head
hardening of face
glance down at table
freeze
sigh
silence/pause
sudden shift of body
I've not always been smart enough to do this. When I have been, it's always been important/right/key/helpful. It's personally important to me not to judge men who react from the second group. (Exactly how I might react to a sudden reminder of Nmom!) Any more than I would judge a women who described or through these subtle reactions clued me to a difficult or damaging father. If he had a toxic or abusive mother he has my compassion and support as a human being. He was a little boy. But unless he has clearly done intentional work throughout his adulthood to heal this, I will know I won't at this point in my life offer him a decade. Or a second date. My reply afterward will be something like: "I am glad we met. Thank you for the time you gave me and the effort you made to meet. Our conversation was interesting and rewarding for me. I've realized that for me, though, we're not a romantic match. I wish you the very best, and hope you soon find the perfect partner."
(I don't usually offer to "be friends" with someone I sense can't be a romantic possibility, because that means I'll be pouring out the vital connecting energy I truly, in my heart of hearts, want to expend on a potential partner. And if anyone has trouble accepting the "No," boy howdy, they are email and phone blocked right away.)
Being kind but paying close attention and gathering information in my own behalf, has finally become okay with me. It's kind of like what you said about being socialized to feel it's rude or wrong to ask questions. If you are not being cruel or unkind, but acting in your own best interest in a smart and self-protective way, no matter that he may have to process a "No" (with or without difficulty) -- you are doing nothing wrong and not the cause of any pain he may react with. You are modeling healthy choices for yourself, and even indirectly, for him too.
There's dignity in dating this way. And even a sense of greater ease. It's all okay. One date is okay. Five are okay. None are okay. We are okay.
Hugs from the Land of ADD with hyper-focus on writing!
Hops
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Hi. I've been a turtle lately. Kinda like Hops' not getting out of bed. Dang tooth has thrown me for a loop. Yes, feeling fine physically... had stitches redone on Thurs and pain & swelling continue to abate; I know how to keep myself on a schedule with the antibiotics.
First, the experience of the nitrous was "interesting". Found myself mentally/emotionally seeking "mike" in the universe; somewhere anywhere. Then talked myself out of pursuing that path too far. What happened instead - after the attempt to flip penpal into that spot was tried & found silly - was that I finally settled deeper into me and it was adequate to get me through the surgery, control my natural reaction to react to someone hurting me even more (in order to make me better) and after getting my breathing under control even relax a little bit. Something big shifted during that, about the grieving.
Since I had to go back & have stitches fixed, I just decided it was asking too much of myself to travel - I originally wanted to spend more time there and due to the tooth, couldn't - because I wouldn't be able to accomplish what I wanted to, at the cabin and I wouldn't be getting anything done here, either. Part of me still thinks buying a move-in ready house closer to the cabin, nice as it is... is stretching myself too thin time-wise (can't handle 2 places at once) and I'd much rather pursue this artistic/creative/romantic idea of the cabin and being a woodsperson. Something calling me to that. Think the wizard Radagast - the one with the bunny sled - in Lord of the Rings.
IF I do end up meeting penpal, it is already clear that this is not a date. He's a person, I'm a person... we have histories and a common interest in some things and he seems to be more active pursuing them, than Mike was. Mike was content to watch a lot of things from a distance. I'm getting to know him as a person; a friend; maybe an "adopted" big brother. And he knows this and is just fine with it. The background check stage would get pursued, if I decide there would any type of actual relationship develop. I already have my doubts about the potential there. There are already a lot of things about him that I know just aren't "my type"... so I went silent on him. Took him 2 days to finally ask if I was OK. Yeah, I know it's planting season. How long does it take to type "Are you OK?" and fire it off via email?
So, for me - I'm just backing off. Yes, I did ask him to call me the night after the surgery. I sure needed to hear the sound of someone's voice. And it also gave me some more cues/clues, since he's not offering up information about his temperament, his family (5 kids), or much of anything. I am not about to go swooning into any relationship, care-free, and being emotionally attached to an "idea" of who someone is... versus the reality. And I don't want to mess with someone awkward about relationships, either. It's not rocket science really, when you get right down to it. I really like your Mother question, Hops. It was interesting - in a lot of ways - that he was bold enough to ask if we could correspond out of the blue when we hadn't interacted with each other at all on that forum. That was my first red flag warning, you know? I'm not silly enough to be flattered that he picked me; nor fool enough to think he isn't also pursuing the moderator who also lost her husband recently. It was a nice distraction for me, tho. And it helped me deal with the fact, that yes, maybe at some point I'd be interested in another guy...
but I realized this morning, that during this turtle time, when I'm doing nothing but waiting as patiently as I can for this whole tooth thing to stop being front & center of my existence, that I'm also making excuses to sit here and wait for Mike to come home. And that in this time - a year/two or 5 months - depending on how you figure it, I've been slowly learning to depend on myself for taking care of myself; making decisions that contribute to that; and doing a hell of a lot of things that I was used to believing I "can't" do alone. My dream-future isn't to be a slave to a farm situation, even though I will be growing food and putting it up, and that kind of thing. There is more on my "want to do list" than that. My online big brothers, that I trust a LOT based on our shared experiences and the support I've received (they are wise as Mud) - just like you all - are helping to reinforce my pull back from this penpal situation. It can wait. Maybe a LONG time - LOL.
And while I appreciate my kids' input on my choices, no way I'm going to let that be a big influence on the decision either. I've got a lot of exploring and adventuring to do, I think. And some new things I'm interested in making... and skills to learn. And I'm still sorting all that out right now.
ME, gets sqooshed a lot of times, when there is any movement to an "us". BTDT a few times. Let's just see what me is now, that's been growing like a mushroom under a rock all this time. LOL. That sounds like a lot more fun to me.
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It all makes so much sense. I love reading about your experience under the gas. Such a state allows the mind certain freedom.
I'm thinking of what you wrote to TwoAPenny when I read about your process concerning the cabin. The process is always important and you seem to honor it well. In doing so, I believe you will allow your journey to take you in the right direction.
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Amber....
I feel like you give enough information about your recent journey I can envision your path on a river.
You dealt with fearful unexpected fast moving waters, violent rapids, approaching unavoidable dreaded waterfall, then over you go, finding yourself at the bottom of the drop off dealing with the chop, and sputtering and gasping for breath, right your boat, and paddle like crazy towards things that help or will hopefully help you, with short respites of calmer waters, then you're back in a vortex, then out, and paddling like mad toward shore where you leave the water and go off trail (to the cabin) to rest, unplug and heal.
Then back in the water you go.
((((Amber)))
I'm amazed at your ability to monitor your internal resources as you seek your authentic self, and higher purpose.
Thank you for sharing it here.
Lighter
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I'm amazed at your ability to monitor your internal resources as you seek your authentic self, and higher purpose. (http://I'm amazed at your ability to monitor your internal resources as you seek your authentic self, and higher purpose.)
Me, too.
Big time.
Spot on summary, Lighter.
Amber, so much reverence for what you experienced (and trusted) during that altered state.
I think you're amazing, and doing an amazingly conscious job of being responsible to yourself. Open to change, growth and even some risks, but sanity grounded.
BravO.
Hops
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Aw shucks. To stick with Lighter's excellent analogy, there are also times I'm not just up the creek without a paddle -- but I've lost the damn boat and getting sucked down over the rocks and into that waterfall. :shock:
LOL, but I don't just give it all up as lost... I'm flailing & thrashing & looking - always looking - for a way out of the situation. I know that unconsciously, I'm seeking that security and safety that SHOULD be provided by a primary caretaker and probably always will be. But I don't have to accept that I'm not perfectly capable of providing that for myself. All the different "lives" I've had, I perceived that I couldn't do for myself and always sought that security/acceptance/approval from someone else. Big chunk of conditioning, there, huh? "Stay dependent on me, and I'll keep you safe".
Thanks, but no thanks. Life doesn't exactly work that way. And when I do have those panic attacks because the situation looks dire or threatening... I can also slow myself down, re-assess, shift my perception and pull up my big girl pants and just address the situation. I've been selling myself short and self-reinforcing those old tapes and their undermining messages. I don't have to participate or wear the t-shirt with the target on my back. Now, that doesn't mean I can "do it all" myself... or that I don't want/need connection with people... at all. But I think I can do that on my own terms for a change and see how that goes.
I guess I hit the point, where I have permission to make my own rules. And write my story and illustrate it - the way I WANT to. It's pretty interesting that when I'm just not actively able to or intentionally thinking, the fog around "want to" dissipates. Then, I just have to work with the logistics of how to make "want" a reality. Doesn't always work the way I think it will - and some things have to get scrapped altogether - but ya just keep putting one foot in front of the other and going in that direction.
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Sometimes things seem to come out of the blue; then looking back - you see the clues and hints that were dropped.
Mike's aunt has just been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer; she's had mild COPD for quite some time. When they were here for Mike's party back in March it was the Uncle I was worried about - he didn't quite seem, I don't know - "all here". And I do recall her saying that there were some things she was having checked out. The Dr. cousin was with them at Duke yesterday and it will be a while yet before they determine if she's a candidate for surgery. Like the uncle's sister - Mike's mom. And of course, they'd visited Jean here in the space I had set up for the party. That could very well explain Uncle's preoccupation, thinking of his sister and Mike - whom he'd just seen 6 months previous, at Uncle's 80th birthday party.
This is the 3rd case of this particular cancer affecting people I know in 6 months. And his whole family are predisposed to cancer. The life lottery hasn't been too kind in the health category to them. I got the job of making sure Mike's brother & sister knew. The news was hot off the presses, PET scan was done yesterday. And the aunt is the one, who generally handled passing on the family news. She and I connected in a good way during Mike's illness/passing. It's funny so many of them, are going out of their way to make sure I know they include me as part of the family... given my own family's weirdness. I'm careful with that, as you can imagine. I don't know my place in that hierarchy.
If I thought I could do something to help, I would be there. The thought crossed my mind when I saw Jane's SOS email. But the cousins are closer geographically, and I would just be underfoot. I will keep in touch with the cousins. The one who is their daughter and I will probably connect soon. She's very outwardly emotional and a little ditzy - LOL. Such a sweetie though. I'm sure she's a wreck about now. And maybe I can stop in and see them on when ever my next trip north is. Give them some time to process things on their own. Rest. I surely know how necessary that is... and that the rest of us, need to take care of our own emotional stuff and not burden them.
And yes, this kind of picks at my own grief scabs. So does finding a chain with Mike's inititals that his HS girl friend gave him... he so cherished his relationships, you know? There isn't a jealous bone in my body for his relationships before me. They're part of who he was, in our "us".
On the plus side of things, my jaw is finally healing up enough that I feel like working at my next "milestone" and I even sold the truck yesterday. Nice younger responsible man, who'll take care of it. Price was right for him and it's made a big chunk of space for me. One less thing to worry about taking care of, too. But it's a lot like saying goodbye to him again, too.
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Amber:
I'm so sorry to hear about the cancer dx in your family. Again. So sad, and its hard to know what to do when it happens.
I can imagine the of touching Mike's cherished things, or letting them go. It's going to go on that way for a while, I'm afraid.
Glad to hear your jaw is settling down.
Lighter
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Yeah, Lighter... I should be expecting the grief boomerang by now, I think. I've really nailed down the pattern by now. Given my lack of obligations to others and expectations on my time - I could have had a lot more done by now. But as I go through this process of lightening my "load" of "stuff" I can even tell myself - oh that won't take long at all - and I just avoid it because I'm emotionally not up to the task. I think the saddest part are all the things put back in a pile, for that "someday" that never came when he would feel like working on that project or doing things he liked to do. If I wasn't right there (and doing it for him in a lot of cases)... he didn't even remember about them and would go off in another direction.
That's one of the mysteries for me. He always needed someone to do things with and simply wouldn't function on his own. "Lonely" was a frequent word he used. And most of the time, that someone had to be me - it couldn't be anyone else. And there I see the old co-dependent; enmeshed emotionally pattern that my mom forced on me... manifested differently. If I wanted him to come along with me to something I wanted to do... it didn't happen. I got stronger, over time, in that relationship with him. The revelation of boundaries still yields buried treasure. And I think the relationship got deeper too, but not in a way that could talked about - at least for him. I think he had a lot of emotional intelligence but it just wasn't connected to verbal expressions.
Rainy few days here. The reaction to selling his truck is past. I'm working on the paperwork/files to send in for the estate tax again. That's one thing I've put off & put off. It's SUCH a mess, knowing what's what and organizing it so that someone else can look at it and understand it. I keep dangling the carrot, for myself, that once I've accounted for everything then my finances will be a LOT simpler with a LOT fewer accounts to keep track of... that I should be able to do it all in my head. LOL. Oh... and having dinner with the bankers next week. The investment banker and his trust/estate co-worker from the big city. She's really nice and has worked with me (us) since we started organizing all this. And even knows all the warts and drama of the family. Been a couple years now since we've talked to that part of the bank... so it will be good to catch up, run a few ideas/decisions past her, and watch Chad's face react to my radical ideas - LOL. He's the son of neighbors and kind of a friend of the family too. We have always enjoyed his company... but he's still wet behind the ears, in a lot of ways.
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Okey-dokey. :D
For the first time in months, I have a day or three, where very little "has to get done". Still plenty to do, if I want to - feel like it - consider it time, whatever. The inner-slavedriver is standing down. I'm waiting on the last documentation to come in the mail, before packaging up the stuff for CPA to do estate tax. Truck is sold, the bike is next - but isn't such a big obstacle. Had dinner with the bankers - my local guy, who's more like a friend of the family and the estate advisor. We didn't avoid the topic of Mike, but didn't dwell on it either. I think my lady friend, was impressed how I've plowed through things on the "business side". I can say I actually had FUN... and we talked about me developing a list of things I might really LIKE to do, down the road. LOL, now where have I heard that before?
So, I finally figured out that this weekend is the starting gate to tourist season. I did my shopping yesterday, but I might hit the big box hardware store for a few things on my cabin list. No rush, just "messin' around". Saturday will be the worst traffic/shopping day. Pool gets cleaned today too, and it's finally warm enough here for me to work on the tan, read, and float around on the water (after I clean the pollen off stuff). Supposed to have some kind of stormy weather this weekend, so there's no point to doing too much outside.
I've started the drawings for the cabin; had to eyeball the funny angle that the two structures were built - and then joined - at. But it's "good enough" for me to be able to explain what I'm looking for to a pro, and for me to work out the possibilities of where I want it to go. Next week, I'll call my last option for getting phone service there (and hopefully internet) before I break down and call my ex for his suggestions. His company doesn't really do much in my county. I guess he'd talk to me - I don't know till I try it. I have one more dentist appt next week before being able to take 4 months off to heal the bone graft... so I'm sorta planning to go up to the cabin next weekend, take the kitty, maybe a trailer full of stuff (I need to build a bear-proof trashcan bin) and hang out long enough to actually make some progress. Then, I'll be back here for the 4th of July for a bit.
You know, I mentioned the boomerang grief effect in my last post? Well, I expected to get seriously wacked after having dinner; and I didn't. Go figure. Not saying it's all done, but I seem perched and planning and looking forward more often now, than looking back - over analyzing - pining - and wishing the impossible were possible. And I wasn't all uptight or anxious or anything, during dinner. I was just "me"... and it was OK. Maybe because we didn't go somewhere fancy; all dressed comfy & casual and one of my favorite places for atmosphere - very nurturing - until it gets really busy. We were leaving by then, LOL.
Oh, and penpal seems to have adjusted to the fact that I don't respond to emails right away and he isn't hounding me on when I'm headed that direction. He understands that head-space I need, to make decisions for myself and be creative more than I expected he would - and he respects it. I dunno if I'm telling him my plans for the next couple of weeks... might be too busy to deal with a lunch date, you know? There's an hour or so of travel involved. Not sure I feel solid enough for that yet, too. But I'm definitely getting there.
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Best I can tell so far, from those floor plans... I'm going to be best off tearing down that whole addition and starting over from scratch. There are several major structural reasons why my idea isn't going to work, without doing that. That reduces my choices (in the interest of time involved) to either looking for other property or simply doing the cosmetics at the cabin and ignoring the feeling that this whole addition has bad bad vibes attached to it. I need the space of that addition for workspace - and because there are several pieces of furniture I want desperately to keep (and need more of) as storage for my books and media libraries. Currently no place to put them, as things are configured.
If I didn't like the location so much, it would be a no-brainer to simply sell it and look elsewhere.
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Hi PR,
If you can afford to build a new addition, making it truly your own, why not?
Maybe it would be a creative, amazing process for you.
With detours.
:)
Hops
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LOL... detours... yep; that's where the interesting stuff is.
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sKeP:
I'm relieved to see you're hitting your stride, and looking forward to the future.
This is wonderful, Amber.
Lighter
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So, I'm not quite done re-drawing that addition. But I'm now armed with contacts, an appt to get a landline installed (I can have internet if I want to pay an arm & a leg for dial-up; yes, that's right - dial up speeds via satellite. It's not worth it for as little as I'm there right now) and even a crucial bit of information about where they hit bedrock putting the current addition up.
For almost a year, it has seemed that one obstacle or conflict after another, about going forward up at the cabin has presented itself. And of course, while Mike was sick I wasn't putting him through the travel required to go up there. I didn't try to force my way past those obstacles... or impose my own sense of timing on this project... I waited for something that looked more like a "green light". And I didn't just "flee" there to run away from all the losses I've experienced here. I really sat with my self all these months trying to learn how to tell "what I really want".
At my age, it seems a tad rediculous to be totally stymied and puzzled about answering the question: what do you want? But there it is; I'm still at that "awkward stage" it seems. More than anyone else I know... I've made decisions and choices based on what OTHERS wanted; what would "make" them happy. Buying this beach house - this particular one - was more than I wanted to take on, but Mike was totally enthralled with it. He so enjoyed the look on people's faces at the (kinda silly, if you ask me) architectural references to cathedrals (main floor plan is cruciform), the columns & pediments holding the arches that form several "collonades" or "loggias", and the absolute purpose-built indulgence of this place.
Pfffft. He didn't clean it. We were both too private to allow someone else to come clean up after us - and I still carry a bucket of shame around because of my mom's hoarding. Just last night, she was complaining that she only has paths in her new place, because she simply will not throw away "stuff" that she isn't using, hasn't used in a very long time, and honestly? has only a thin emotional attachment to. Why anyone would base their identity and self on the "stuff" that's theirs, I am never going to understand in this lifetime.
So, what I WANT... at the root of it all, I think... is to simply believe in my ability to BE my "self" and to live simply enough that there is room for that self to continue growing, learning, and for once -- doing what suits me and nurtures me. My interests change. What I'm physically capable of changes. But I really DON'T want to be dependent on someone else's "approval", or "support", or even strong back or ability to climb tall ladders - and I sure don't want to have to accommodate what someone else wants (or thinks is the "right" thing to do) in the process of being myself. I know that big fear of "choosing unwisely" -- or of jumping from the frying pan into the fire -- is partly responsible for my just sitting here tossing around my choices, over & over & over in the same circular rumination. It's the reason for the "I can'ts" in my head.
"You're not 40 anymore... you're all by yourself... you won't have anyone to talk to... what IF [fill in the blank].... you CAN'T..." ad nauseum.
Well bullshit. I'm not about to check into a nursing home, either. I have tools and I know how to use them. Look out world. LOL.
"You don't know anyone there". Well, true. But I didn't know anyone HERE either when we moved in. I know how to do this better than I ever did. And my sense of who is "good people" vs those who only want to take advantage... is sharper than before - because I'm no longer looking to others to fill some need I felt was lacking in myself... because I was told that so many times, repeatedly, like kicking someone when they're down.
"You don't have the discipline"... this one, is a little trickier. The definition of the word itself has been distorted over time, so that some think of discipline as this military, rigid, spartan and ascetic lifestyle. Uh.... no. Discipline can also mean an area of study; and a learning process that involves practice. Learning by doing -- and beginners always flail around and make some mistakes -- and try, try again. There is room in my definition for feelings, honoring my past efforts, having fun and being with others too. And that doesn't lessen my committment to the tasks I choose, relationships I maintain, etc.
I don't think I'm willing to trade part of my self for "connection" anymore. There's plenty of room for other people in my life - so there needs to be room in the connection for all of me, too. Talking relationships with friends, one made this observation about how our needs (not wants) change over time. I thought it was pretty wise - just don't get too hung up in the details of his personal viewpoint.
Step #1 You meet and make each other happy by the mere presence and interaction. of course this leads to a physical relationship which again fills the expectations of happiness etc.
Step #2 At some point this is no longer enough and you seek something "more". This is when children enter the picture for many people. For others I believe it is careers or other activities and/or things.
Step #3 What I would refer to as a more mature relationship where each person is not actually looking for the other to "make them happy" or looking for 100% of their satisfaction from the relationship. There is stability and confidence enough in the relationship to allow some distance or branching off into other enjoyable areas, such as hobbies, social groups etc, that you do separately in some cases, but with the full confidence you still have a faithful partner.
Step #4 I believe we finally understand by this point that neither one of us are perfect and neither one of us are able to fulfill 100% of the others needs. We are just people, normal people!! While we may still enjoy each others company and doing activities together I think there is a point where we stop trying to find (whatever it is we are looking for to make us happy) in the other person. We are simply sharing a relationship and working together through life. there is comfort and satisfaction in this as well as a sense of security.
He also references that feeling of "seeking"... that even in stage 4, I know I seemed to have. He thinks it can only be filled by the spiritual, and perhaps not possible until we transition from this life to the next. I think he's a pretty smart guy... LOL.
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But...but...no INTERNET?
How can that work?
I mean, I get that you can organize well enough to fit us all in the cabin,
but what about when we need you to POST?
Sigh.
Okay, a girl's gotta do...
I had times when I felt a strong desire to locate myself at the edges of things...
and did. The isolated mountain, the tiny backward town. Once on an eastern shore
where I was treated the way nice people would treat a lonely Martian.
"Edge" geography cravings I can so relate to even as a mostly-extrovert.
It was a poet thing, back then. Stanley Kunitz said to me that "poetry is an isolating,
even hermetic activity." Weird that not having community is so scary to me.
In more recent years, that came to a halt after several times when an isolation hit that was unlike
my prior exciting-or-melancholy-but-satisfying adventures. Something slammed in and I knew
that long-term, outer-edge it wouldn't work for me. It would either make manageable depression into something dark if not dangerous, or would drive me rapidly into arms that I might not've chosen if I weren't so lonely. (Got the Tshirt.)
Then again, I am a wuss. And you are not.
Still fighting that battle, even here in town where I'm so pleasantly located. All the alone time I
want and I still get the balance wrong. At times, at night, or on a weekend morning, the other side of solitude
hits and it's almost disabling. (Again, wuss here....)
I follow your adventure with cheers and anticipation (and a little worry sometimes which is
probably misplaced). You inspire me but...cluck-cluck.
Back to my coop. But foxes!
Hugs
Hops
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I'm sorry, Amber.
Are you saying that you're planning to fix up the cabin to spend MORE time at, or a lot more of your time?
You aren't going to move there full time, bc you said you spend so little time that it doesn't make sense to put in expensive dial up, but..... I'm not clear on what it is you intend.
Also, if you;'re looking for a quick course on self efficacy and confidence you might want to consider an Outward Bound experience.
I'm only half kidding.
::nodding::
Lighter
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Welcome to Limbo... being responsible for 2 places usually means for me, that I want to be at the other one, regardless of which one I'm currently "at". It's confusing and when I'm thinking out loud, it's even worse. Yes, for the time being, dial up at the cabin is an expense I'd rather not incur because the last time I was there (for 3 days) was April. IF I end up moving there full-time, I would have internet of some sort, depending on what's available. Probably tv too - though that's less important to me, given my library of media.
I'm also looking at another property this coming week, way closer to civilization - like 15 minutes, but still has that country feel. No final decisions made, still exploring possibilities. One caution I'm having to set for myself about the cabin, even though I love the location, is that I have to see it in terms of what it is -- and realize there isn't much leeway for changing it. Sure I can remodel the master addition... but the location isn't going to change any time soon and neither are the sparse inhabitants of the place. So far, it's been an open welcoming feeling that way. I haven't felt - all alone - in a bad way, except that first night I got locked out. LOL.
There is a sick, twisted, bizarrely funny & ironic side to that getting locked out. Sort of an "up yours" to ego; an umami of experience that is real familiar to me and invokes that thrill of being totally alive - at least at the moment. LOL. Those things are "reminders" that we can't and don't control as much as we think we do. And it's STILL OK.
As for self-isolation... I don't think I'm doing that, as much as I'm taking this opportunity for space/time to really get thoroughly acquainted with "me" now. Remember, I've NEVER lived alone; ever; in my life. Even though it sure felt that way many times... abandoned, shut out, scapegoat... but not alone, at peace, with my self. I'm really looking forward to meeting new people and finding the "flow" of life in those parts... without trying to fit them into any pre-conceived characters - no expectations. Lots of scribbling in journal while I'm out there. And I can be in the next small town in 30 minutes. And I usually HAVE to be for one reason or another. Living that far remote, you learn to depend on planning your trips and lists. Guess that's where it sunk in -- write it down, or you may not have it until your NEXT trip.
OH... and the ipad gets a cell signal in town... hello McDonalds... :D
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I am so glad I'm documenting bits of this journey here.
One drawback of being alone, is I sometimes lose the perspective of where I am in all the processes. And now, there seem to be some new types of communication and boundary issues coming up to learn about. I get feedback from other people and often don't question how accurate it is. At the same time, I have absolutely no way to "measure" my own state all that accurately -- especially when something unexpected comes up. Sort of like what Hops was saying about being able to see how easy it would be to slide into really dark places, being too physically alone.
Only my problem is anxiety. Full blown panic attacks even. And they aren't happening up at the cabin (even locking myself out was dealing with real fear of the fix I was in; not anxiety) so far. They are happening down here at the beach. Hmmmmm. So, I checked with my online doc friend about whether anxiety could be part of the grief journey - in particular, relying on myself and adjusting to ONLY having myself to rely on ultimately for decisions and direction and choosing what I think I "want", etc. He confirms that it's possible that as I adjust - I don't get things exactly right all the time - and the recognition that I'm flailing a bit winds up that anxiety spring even faster & tighter.
Hahaha. I guess I terrify myself sometimes; too many what-ifs that I can think of -- a very underused imagination that sees an opportunity to run wild... and THEN, when I make the usual very human mistakes or "life happens"... Hello, total panic.
[So, I left for the cabin on June 6, my last post. Spent 10 days there. Got a lot of stuff done - but still no phone. That's a long story, but I think it's "fixed" now and I will get it hooked up next trip. Yes, I really do need a minimum of "connection" with people - the people I've come to trust and rely on for feedback, and new people too.]
Pardon the interruption; I was afraid I'd forget to update you all on that bit. Back to my doc friend. There were a whole flurry of messages that went back & forth last night, and re-reading them this morning I find myself questioning a lot of assumptions and perceptions about my emotional state at this point in time - and I'm wondering about motives for his invitation to come stay with him & his SO in a state out west.
I'm wondering if I'm not communicating clearly. Or how someone can be so confident about how another person feels... without specific descriptions and expressions of the same. And my first reaction is to strongly disagree with his "description" of what I'm feeling. He thinks I'm running away from grief, and turning anger into anxiety... and am essentially "stuck" in the grieving process. So, I'm here for a second opinion from the Amazons. ;)
I distinctly picked up what could be a bit of projection on his part. The garden variety kind, where someone assumes their experience is exactly what others experience. (I have been guilty of that myself, a time or two.) But I really have to take issue with the assessment that I'm in denial, angry about a loss of controlling a situation that no one controls, and am NOT accepting that Michael is dead & gone & isn't coming back. That I'm bouncing between anger & bargaining.
Uh... I think he's talking about someone else. But then, this is the basis of his "offer to help me" get to acceptance and move on. And he's indicating that it's his lady, who is (unusually) extending the offer and invitation to me, as well. As if I would be more comfortable with a female, just because of being female (LOL). She is bipolar, but on meds, but he is still expressing that some days are better than others for her. He did make a remark about his wish for a 3rd party "tie-breaker" in some of their disagreements. And I wouldn't touch that with a 10 ft pole. I'm not sure I need to be around "crazy" right now and yes I am controlling when, where, how and with whom I'm sharing my process. I figure that's a natural perogative. My right to choose.
And for me, the whole POINT of me going through this myself is to find out what does come up for me (like the anxiety) and deal with it and understand why and try to do other things instead. The panic attacks are pretty intense - but I'm still a functioning human being, regardless. I have to be and that side is also "who I am". This is how I prove to myself that "I can", even when part of me is terrified.
I know that the triggers are all intimately a part of what needs doing to finish taking care of all Mike's "stuff" that is simply taking up space (it's gradually shrinking). I working hard on reminding myself that it's "my stuff" now. My stuff; my choice of keep, donate, recycle or trash. The necessary paperwork of the estate tax return is daunting; but I have already done a majority of the tasks and gathering documentation and organizing it and distilling it down to what the CPA really needs. Yes, I still have some BIG jobs to get the ball rolling on and I'm resisting, because I KNOW it's going to be like losing him again. But it simply must be done. No ifs, ands or buts.
I don't have that at the cabin at all. And I even took a favorite picture of him to have up there, so I can talk to him a little. It's silly - but I'm allowed to remember him this way, aren't I? That's not a symptom of not accepting reality; rather, IMO, it indicates that I HAVE a measure of acceptance BECAUSE I can "talk" to him, without turning into a weeping blob. I KNOW he's not here and isn't going to be, no matter how good my memory & imagination are. The cabin is all me; Mike only spent part of a day there and then he slept almost the whole time.
I guess the assumptions and opinions that came from this friend have really confused me. And yes, it did function to send me into the "inserting a sharp stick in my eye" to force the weeping... but that doesn't seem healthy to me. When it happens naturally - I let it; I know it will pass. But I don't understand the reasoning behind prolonging feelings of grief and sadness and loss at that all-consuming level for days on end as some kind of "catharsis". That seems unnatural and wrong - and leads me to wonder about and be a little suspicious of - his "feedback" about me.
What do you all think?
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Wow. You are so smart, Amber.
What I think is: Despite how very physical panic attacks are, they originate/trigger in the mind. I had them for a long time, they were awful and disabling, but they have been gone now for decades. And they led me to the help I needed.
I think your well-meaning friend is unconsciously, un-deliberately, sensing an opportunity for stimulation and interesting companionship for himself in your crisis. I think his own needs/ego are the driver and he's not owning/aware of it. (And is probably a wonderful friend with a wonderful spouse, both of whom you'll enjoy visiting, say, two years from now.) I wouldn't invite him deep into your psyche now.
(Maybe you are looking for a new man to trust/depend on. Since you haven't been alone long. Penpal Dude, and now male doc friend. It's contrarian, but I think you need a wonderful female therapist, easy to access. The imbalance for you is in trusting a woman, or mother figure. So that's where a huge amount of your healing could be.)
I don't perceive anything whatsoever "stuck" or "complicated" or "extended" about your grief, which is in fact in early stages, and will slip all over like a porpoise in your arms. And sometimes lie quiet. You are not doing it "wrong" and imo, even panic attacks don't indicate that you need some inadvertent friendgali to declare that he knows where and how and what to poke to "correct" your grief path.
I think the last thing you need is to take your rawness and vulnerability to a far-off state to stay with a couple, one of whom is mentally unwell, and the other of whom is playing guru/therapist to some degree out of conditioned overconfidence. Sometimes the intellectually/cerebrally brilliant falsely assume that this means they are emotionally and spiritually brilliant as well.
It really is daunting to be alone. And to feel it heavily. I feel it, even now there are cold waves of panic and a particularly frozen helplessness. (I know, you're one of the least helpless and most competent people there are...but panic attacks could be your psyche asking for another kind of help. You may need to be "helpless" in another way, so that you build a healing relationship with a wise compassionate female therapist.)
It really is daunting to be alone. Our culture is crazy and greatly discourages us from seeing that.
Some of what you're going through reminds me of a period in my life when I was having panic attacks and also battling depression. I was in a big city. I told myself--I need nature and to be farther away. So I moved a half hour away from the city to a rented cottage. (I could still see my friends, make it to doctor appointments.) Panic attacks worsened so I decided to move farther out still (45 minutes away). Depression got worse so I moved an hour and a half away...always to isolated cottage types of situations. Eventually I wound up in a tiny house on a mountainside in a part of Appalachia so remote I had to go buy a 4WD vehicle because I would not be able to get out, at all, in winter without it.
Because I kept responding to my panic attacks and depression with increasing self-isolation, believing the artistic process of "writing through it" alone would be enough, they continued to get worse. Eventually, I married the wrong person to create some stability. It did help for a time. But I think I would have healed more, faster, and earlier, had I not isolated.
Speaking of projection, of course all this is. But you know how to sift what's "bing-ing" for you in others' stories. Just offering it for whatever small pieces might be meaningful for you, if any are.
You get the picture. My emotional pain drove me to isolate. I did need to seek nature, most definitely, and I liked the adrenalin of starting the adventures, but I simultaneously discounted how much I needed help (emotional and therapeutic support in 3-D) and consistent, lasting community. And I did get worse.
But you know, I survived my cautionary tale. And you will survive too. I think you will find creative joy in just-enough solitude, in a setting that has the location balance that will give you a safe harbor to heal in. And when you are ready...helloooo, sailor!
love,
Hops
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Thanks Hops. A lot of your feedback did "bing"... :lol:
The penpal thing is... different than I expected. I did meet him for lunch at a pretty busy nice restaurant for al fresco dining, about halfway between both our places. Nothing really "clicked" - and I still have questions about him too - but he isn't a bad person. Doesn't set off that radar at all. He seemed to be watching for my boundary signals - but without tip-toeing through a minefield nervousness and was perfectly happy to let me lead the way during our conversation, while making sure he got to tell me what he wanted me to know.
He is solicitous of my process without attempting to direct it, and kindly without forcing advice on me or smothering me. That's different, for me. He is authentically "eccentric" in some ways; mannerisms. So we're still emailing. Both our "rest of the summer" is going to be a little busy and he seems very comfortable retaining his independence and allowing me to explore mine.
Another huge thing that came up for me through this current process is "Daddy Issues". Security, strong protective types... etc seem to be my craving. Even though more often than not, that comes with a pretty good helping with them wanting to be dominant and real controlling. I was able to explain to penpal that I really didn't want to feel like I was dependent on someone right now; that I was really into this challenge of finding out new things I can do, rather than "can't" - or that I need to have a man for. He gets that and it doesn't bother him in the least. We don't "talk" every day.
Thanks for the reminder that emotional processes are seldom linear. And the idea about a supportive female therapist. It's crossed my mind a couple of times.
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Hi Skep,
There's such a lot going on in your life at the moment and yet you write with such clarity and insight. I find when life is topsy turvy my mind follows suit and I can't explain, either verbally or in writing, how I see things, but you have an amazing gift for doing that.
My thoughts - for what they are worth - are that grief doesn't and shouldn't have a time limit or a set path, and neither does life in it's happier, easier forms either. I have struggled enormously over the years with other people's perceptions of how I 'ought' to be dealing with something. I've found that stages take as long as they take, and whilst there are things you can do to keep yourself ticking over during them - such as eating well, resting, exercising, having fun and son on - they do just take time to settle and process, and then you might well find another layer that needs dealing with as well and so it continues. So you don't sound to me as if you're 'stuck' - you sound as if you're grieving, finding your own feet, dealing with the myriad of practical tasks that need to be dealt with when someone passes and building a new life for yourself. And all of that takes time and sometimes will be one step forward, two back, and that's absolutely fine.
I have often seen myself at some point in the future living in the middle of nowhere with very little contact with people. The idea appeals to me enormously. I've got to the point now where I often feel that people are just interrupting my day, or filling my head with their nonsense when I want it filled with my own thoughts and those of people whose opinions I respect and trust. I do find the constant outpouring of people's minds distracting and quite tedious, to be honest, and I find the world in general now too busy and with too much going on. So the idea of living in a cabin somewhere would really appeal to me too. And might be a really amazing opportunity for other forms of self expression - art or photography, or poetry and music, something like that? I think the idea of a regular therapy appointment - even if just once a month - is a grand one. Someone completely objective who can point out things that you might have missed and who can spot a slip if you are sinking into a dark place and not realising it (which I think is something that most of us can identify with!). And I'm assuming that if after six months of the cabin you're sick of the sight of the place you could move back into town fairly easily? xx
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Amber:
I'm sure your friend thought he was making a very nice offer..... to help you move through some of your trauma/grief, while offering you the chance to chime in on some issues he and his SO have. Umm..... it struck me as not very helpful, or appropriate but well intended.
I'm glad you can share your anxiety somewhere... here, maybe a bit with the pen pal, friends.... a T at some point. It's scarier when we keep it to ourselves, IME. It's the ebb and flow, the slinky getting pulled all the way out, and slamming back, getting stuck for a while. It;s a process. Things get better for a while, and then they get dark, and we get through it, and we get stronger. We go on. We believe we'll feel better through the worst of it, and we always do, IME.
About taking Mike's picture to the cabin, and speaking to him. I think.... of course you speak to him. I can't imagine that you wouldn't.
I understand the part of you that wants to be protected. I do. I also get that you want to be independent, and stand on your own.... at least for a while. Focus your energy on yourself. See what's there. What you really want, and work towards it without distraction, I think it's healthy, and the right thing, no matter how odd or foreign or terrifying it might be at times.
I also think you're amazing, and so very strong. You've overcome so much, and that wasn't easy. Remember it. Twiggy's journey. You got through it, and you eventually stabilized, and you'll do that again. This is another huge adjustment... a huge life change, but it's not a bad thing.
It's a
new
thing.
New things take getting used to. They take time, and they take the kind of mindful problem solving you're doing right now.
Remember to shift into observer mode when the anxiety hits you. Listen to it. It will help you move through it more quickly, IME.
(((Amber)))
Lighter
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AH... observer mode... yes, I had forgotten about that. When I questioned my friend's offer, I did sort of go there (albeit a little defensively; still an honest look I think).
A while back I took one of those silly Facebook personality quizzes. There's been so much going with me, you know? I was curious what would pop up. I scored pretty high on self-reliance and empathy, but the one thing that was outstandingly high was "sensitivity". Bingo...
Now, this never came up working through Twiggy's saga... and these days, I consider myself to be pretty thick-skinned, willing to hear (if not accept) criticism, and not easily offended. But dang if I'm not what used to be called "overly sensitive" sometimes. And even though my intellectual center may be all those things above, my emotional center is a freakin' roasted marshmallow, sagging off the stick used to cook it. You know how the outer browned (or black sometimes) shell pops & crumbles? It's like that, and then the ooey-gooey just runs all over the place.
So, sometimes I take things too personally; too much to heart and am more wounded than anyone would expect. There isn't any pattern to it either. Sometimes the Amazon shields are down (maintenance?) and things hit me all at once, and the only logical thing is to retreat, try to patch up the damage... and understand what's going on.
That's 2 different images. Funny, a Twiggy memory just popped up - connected to the marshmallow. I don't have a clue what the circumstances surrounding the memory are. Just remember being in a dark hallway, and my mom telling me that I was like Humpty-Dumpty... that all the king's men couldn't put me back together again. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I sure don't like the message in that, and can document that it wasn't true, too.
Having all this old stuff come up again (I kind of expected it to happen; certain aspects of it) is kind of scary. Begs the question of "did I deal with ALL of it the last time"? or even "did I get it right last time"? But you know what? I think unless there is any long term, debilitating effects -- I don't want to dig up those old bones again. Too much else going on and that would seriously overload me.
My neighbors are here this week; they're trying to sell that house. Her hubby will likely go home early, and then she and I will find something fun to do. I missed my old neighbors, from where we moved from. They came down for a week - the very week I went up to the cabin. And I've been BUSY outside. It's been overcast and not as hot so I've gotten a lot of weeding on the patio done... still need to work out front too. And a few other bigger jobs. That kind of physical stuff really helps; helps to simply empty my brain... add another bit of evidence of "what I can do"... and makes another little bit of "order" in my universe.
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Amber:
It helps me shift into observer mode to remember that my thoughts are just a story.... and not at all real. If I feel my mind wondering into distracted negative territory, I simply remind myself those thoughts aren't real, and I pop back inside my head, centered, and then the moment I'm actually standing is what's real. Not scary. Not overwhelming..... just calm and present.
If I have to go a step further, I can ask myself what is real?
What I can touch IS real.
My thoughts are just stories, and the truth could be completely opposite whatever it is I'm thinking.... fear of court stuff, fear for my children's futures, what others believe about me, fear of not finding a personal passion to enjoy for the rest of my life, etc.
Those thoughts aren't real, and just remembering that brings serenity back in focus....
like alchemy.....
"Those things aren't real."
Poof!
Serenity restored....my ooy gooy center of the marshmallow vanishes for me.
I can remember breadcrumbs Hops left on previous threads through the years, but I'm just now processing this in a way that makes sense, and that I can actually apply in my life.
I don;t think you have to revisit Twiggy's journey either, Amber. I think she's riding this wave with you, and she'll help you ask the question....
"what is real?"
Lighter
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We marshmallows have to stick together.
The most valuable friendships for me are the precious ones in which I can say, I am needy/scared/anxious/sad/overwhelmed any time I need to say it. The gem friends who say, well that's understandable. Or, of course you are. I would be too. Tell me about it. (And then I often go into apologetic-mode, because on some level I still think I'm supposed to be a cowboy, or am not deserving of uncomplicated love, or whatever. And a friend like that goes, no, you forgot, it's fine with me that you are just what you are. So tell me about it.)
I saw a lovely indie movie last night on Netflix called The Fundamentals of Caring. It's wonderful (and funny). It was about a caregiver. And a road trip. Highly recommend.
A close friend here lost her elderly mother recently and the funeral was last week. The whole dynamic family scooped me in and it was very comforting to me to be part of the whole day. Winding up at a dinner for 20. The memory I shared with most of them was from when I'd gotten to know her a little in the last few years of her life. (She was a brilliant internationally-known scholar, still teaching at 92, but I didn't really know that part.) What I cherished was how one day we were both at the mother's house, and my friend had to go do something online, so I made her mom a cup of tea. She asked a little bit about me and I was in a fairly bad way (combo of estranged D and Nboss) so I just made a brief remark. When I gave her her tea and sat with her, she leaned forward and took my hands in hers and looked straight into my eyes with the warmest, kindest expression and said, "Tell me your troubles." (It felt like a blast of compassion from her old face. What troubles? They seemed to have lifted away...)
At her service person after person stood up and talked about her radiantly loving personality. It was memorable and I keep pondering it. Later I told one of her sons about our kitchen moment. He said to me, "She loved me like that 24/7, always, throughout my life. And that's why I'm not afraid of anything." I loved his story, I believed him. It wasn't macho lack of fear, it was I will be okay lack of fear.
She was interviewed on video a couple years ago by another scholar, who kept trying to get her to focus on meaningful things about death and dying, but she was bored with that and kept going back to research, and her hopes for the next generation of students. But eventually they got onto faith, and even though she was of a traditional religion, when it came down to it she said she described her source of faith was believing that inspiration and intuition are all from something like god, although she added ferociously that she wanted "nothing to do with any god that doesn't want women to be priests!" And when he finally succeeded in getting her to talk about mortality, asking what she expected about death, she just gave him a big smile and said, "It's going to be interesting! And it's going to be okay." Most of all she didn't want "a lot of tears and fussing, because it's okay."
She had a picture of a laughing Jesus that she loved, and they hung it above her bed. Though she did have a fall and concussion at 94 and a short unhappy rehab, soon after there was a stroke, and she had the immediate gift of unconsciousness and died gently, without pain, in the beautiful hospice house here shortly after her 95th birthday. Her granddaughter said her last words to them were, "I love you I love you I love you I love you!"
I mean, dang. I'm so grateful I met her. There's lots of time to become whole. It's going to be interesting. And it's going to be okay.
love,
Hops
PS--I know Jesus was very dark or black but couldn't find an appropriate image. Laughing will do....
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What a great story Hops! Such a lovely person. They are becoming so rare in this day & age, maybe we should aspire to those traits?
Well, I ran the same request for feedback with another friend - who's walked with me (online) on some of my worst nights of this process. He is very smart and skilled - and astute about people. He also knows a great deal about some of things we all have survived; he could be one of us. Boy did he hit the nail squarely on the head:
he said it sounds like I'm seeking external confirmation (validation, in other words) for the decisions I'm making; the choices I face. Well, that's a big "DUH-HUH", good buddy. Plain as day; right in front of me and I still tip-toed around it. I've been "not thinking" almost all day - but simply looking at it. There was a quick blip of a glimpse that zipped through my attention, to go along with it.
Yes, I'm agonizing over my decisions about the future. Yes, I desperately want a lot of "stamps of approval" for what I think I want to do. It is simply not enough, that I think I want to do these things - I'm afraid of getting it wrong; making a poor choice (and having to choose again). What I "want" isn't nearly as important as making a wise, long-term choice (nothing like a little pressure).
Under all that is the old "I don't matter", too. Therefore, trusting my own choice and judgement... well that doesn't matter. I finally had the curiosity to wonder: well, WHY don't I matter? What in the world created such a strong feeling and pattern in my brain in the first place. Only thing I know of that is that powerful is toxic shame. And of course, that loops back into parts of Twiggy's story; sort of full circle.
As long as I depend on external validation for these kinds of decisions - what I want: to do, be, do, be, doooo - I get out of the task of facing that shame, shredding it's bogus arguments, and kicking it's butt to kingdom come. There weren't any real awful consequences for not really facing it the past 10 years. And I was busy making other people happy with those choices. Absolutely no necessity to face and conquer the shame... I could carry on, thinking that since it was quiet, it's just died on it's own. How comforting; and how wrong. That is the real impetus behind the anxiety attacks.
To do what I'm faced with doing now, requires a cage-match with this issue. Two enter; one leaves. Once that's settled, then I can salve Twiggy's emotional wounds and we can limp off into the sunset together, looking for adventures. This is unfinished business. (or at least another spiral up toward breaking free of the pattern)
I'm very sure this is the key.
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I think I understand.
It's all about balance, imo (not being very good at it myself but sometimes pretty okay at spotting issues outside of my own...).
IOW, to seek external validation for choices might sound "bad" or "weak." Then again, it's smart to seek information, perspective, wisdom, and sometimes even advice. It'll vary. You collect it until you have a good sense of which way your own choice is leaning, influenced by various info you've taken in. You can TRUST that if you breathe, and steady yourself (with help when you need it), the seesaw will tilt down again and your feet will wind up stable on the ground.
Taking in info from others is what people do, who learn they're not alone in the world. And that process, which is all it is, is nothing to be ashamed about. Sometimes you need it mildly and other times more intensely.
You (Twiggy) were taught that alone and armed was the deal. And even then, you had no backup. And even then, you were betrayed where you should have been safe. That was her and that was then.
When it comes right down to choices, you'll make them. And you want to make the right, long-term-sound ones. So, you have a good mind, good resources, and good options. But you don't have to make your choices in panic. (Probably not the best idea. Getting help for the anxiety attacks is probably Job One, rather than choosing your next property.)
Your chances of choosing a sitch that will support you for health and happiness are excellent, even if it doesn't feel that way. It doesn't mean the transition will be easy even if you make the best choice you can, that feels right not only from a trauma perspective, but also from a reasonable hope perspective.
To shift your balance away from trauma toward reasonable hope, could be a good goal.
To gently steer yourself away from all-or-nothing, do-this-perfectly-or-it's-disaster/failure, might be a good goal. Because that's just an interpretation of the same reality. You can make a choice and enjoy the outcome. You could make the very same choice and not enjoy the outcome. But either way you will still be okay. The perfectionistic interpretation, though, assures your misery throughout what could otherwise be healing and discovery. Same choice, same situation. How you interpret it.
You're very hard on yourself. If ever you were going to practice self-compassion, this would be a good time. If you give yourself permission in advance to choose even if you might decide to choose differently later (which is very different from framing it as a "mistake")...you'll be okay. And you might not decide to choose differently later, it might turn out really really well. That's a reasonable hope.
Even with anxiety, which bubbles on the surface of the psyche...there's a solid adult woman in you, too. She just needs you to work on her confidence. Her ability to trust life itself, not just various opinions.
I think your confidence in life itself has been shaken. Confidence in life itself is another way of describing faith. Not necessarily anything theological, but faith that good things come. In the mystery, peace came for Mike. Meanwhile, in living--after pain, does come relief. After losing, does come finding.
You can't force it, and it's always in the present, but it's rational to be open to good possibilities. That's all faith is. You can't control every aspect of life even if you aren't grieving and scared. Even if you were preternaturally calm, you still couldn't control it all.
We're all in this boat. Panic attacks absolutely suck, and blaming yourself or being critical of yourself for not being able to control the ocean you're riding on is mean.
Just keep rowing, but take breaks. Notice there are other sailors in the boat. Be part of the human crew. You don't even have to be the captain, for a change.
love,
Hops
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Hmmm.
"Facing"
"Conquering"
"Cage-matching" the shame.
(More opinion, here...grab your salt shaker....)
I don't think that works. You really wanna be a ninja warrior?
How about loving the tired woman who's carried all that shame.
How about comforting her, getting her some chamomile?
How about kinding the shame away?
Toxic shame is cruel. Violent. Aggressive. Conquest and cage matches are the same and just do brain damage. No glory.
But see your future self as some peaceful old lady, who has love and patience for herself, for life. Find that kindness for yourself. It's way, way more ninjy.
Shame can roar on the porch all it wants. It'll blow away, stupid things always do. You're just at the table, gently drinking tea. Thinking compassionate thoughts with sincerity. About yourself.
Eh?
Hops
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Thanks Hops.
Digesting those posts....
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I am sure there's lots of insoluble fiber in there.
:lol:
Remember that it's just your luck that I started taking my ADD meds again, which makes me very focused on writing and like a dog with a bone. (A small, cute dog. But still...)
love,
Hops
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LOL... That's just GREAT, HOPS... LOL... no escape for me this time, huh?
ROTFL.... we're made for each other - maybe there's a drug to make me LESS obsessed and tenacious about problem-solving...
Seriously, I think there's a "high-level, expedited, turd-polishing" process really going on. Lessons already learned -- but not given their proper due, nor "corrections" put into proper practice. I know, I'm being cryptic again. Whatever I think I "grok", this time, still isn't quite organized enough for words yet.
All I know, is the anxiety attacks have vanished as quickly as it dropped on me. All because of that kick in the pants about compassion, and validation. The combo has properties that the individual things do not. Still LOOKING... w/o thinking about it too much.
And looking for the senna tea...
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Ummm...received insight about compassion as a kick.... :lol:
Okay...we work with it...trying....compassionate kicking...
Just can't. Woman's already down.
(But I'm glad you're feeling it!)
Maybe you showed yourself some mercy.
Hugs
Hops
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Delightfully lost as I only come here randomly these days. ("high-level, expedited, turd-polishing").
Drinking coffee and reading now...... Grok :roll: .... continues drinking coffee :P
I want to see a picture of the cabin :)
Maybe people know what they want, have an internal compass but are sort of fearful to admit to what they want because they might not get it? Or maybe humans have too many wants and needs that really are ever changing in our over-whelmed minds. Who knows.
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Maybe people know what they want, have an internal compass but are sort of fearful to admit to what they want because they might not get it?
This is spot-on, Garbanzo. Worth doing one of those free-association, deeper mind meditations on too. There might be a lot more involved with that.
Yes, Hops - there is a very physical aspect to life for me, and it's not "violence" per se. Being "in my body" immediately starts to balance the emotional/intellectual tension for me. And I'm constantly needing to be reminded of that - sometimes more forcefully physically than others. And that's where it shows up in my language. Think of the zen master smacking the student in his head with a staff. Or digging up new garden beds.
As for mercy and compassion... well... I can't say for sure what happened - except that I outlined the strange overlaps between my old stuff, and the very real emotional experiences I'm going through now. There's no need for the level of dramatic detail I used to write about all that. It's as simple as saying that emotionally - one experience reminds me of another one - in how it FEELS. They are two entirely different experiences, outcomes different, etc. Just enough similar aspects to go rummaging through the collection of neural pathways... and the brain deciding that "Experience #872,903,171" is the closest it can find to match the new one.
There's sort of a glitch in the "new experience" processor - can't just "let it be"; something totally brand-new emotionally, because that's like being totally adrift at sea with no sight of land, or infinitely falling through space, or something. THAT is sheer terror for me. No points of reference, no idea what the sense-data is telling me (total dissonance; dissociation) and whether or not it's real... and that's when the "I" doesn't really matter at all. Things have to have some relation to other things or experiences for me - a continuity of time/space/experience - and if that means I'm "controlling", well - that's why.
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Makes a lot of sense to me, PR.
For me, fear and pain can be counter-intuitively "comfort zones." I know what hurts, what causes anxiety...because those general pathways are so well worn. At times, self-compassion feels like a voyage mid-Pacific on a battered board, with sharks. It's not "natural" -- but when that grace falls and a soft shore appears, however temporarily, boy it does feel good. It's sure not habitual, though. I just want to make it that way. (Always preach what I myself need.)
Reminds me of the "fear of success" concept, enough to wonder if there's even, in folks like me with long-term anxiety/depression cycles..."fear of peace" or "fear of happiness." Sometimes I wonder if my fears of things not working out are actually the opposite. Do I know how to imagine or bring into being a life that does work out? The parts of it I can control, I mean? (Rationally, I think I do know how. But I'm also yanked around by my emotional history, and for me, hope and calm take a lot of practice. They're not default.)
What will make the rest of my life meaningful and satisfying, I believe, is how I remove the logjams that appear in between me and that self-compassion, mercy, and peace.
love
Hops
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Hops, I completely "get" that bit about negative states being the "comfort zone". It's shifted some for me, over the years... so I recognize it more as what it is, instead of claiming it as "me". It sure isn't perfected, and something major like Mike... well, damn it it's okay that I'm vulnerable to those old patterns again right now. Just because until I see them... I can't do anything about them.
I think the whole "new experience" experience is fraught with knowing that old cause & effect loop I lived with my mom. I kept trying... and achieving... and it didn't get any recognition of the accomplishment. Or, conversely, she'd claim the credit for herself. So I stopped trying; screw it; it didn't matter what I did... she just was too self-involved to care... unless I made myself off-limits to her. (heh, heh, heh....)
[Somewhere along the way, I DID learn how to try something, work at it, to satisfy myself. I still forget to give myself credit, sometimes. Or I minimize the effort, thinking... well, I just have a knack for it. This is still something I need to consciously, intentionally work on.]
All these different adjustments are moving at the same time. Sometimes, the choreography doesn't go that smoothly and there are clanks and bumps in the gears as things are sometimes just a tad out of time with each other. I don't have to be afraid of this either... just back off and give myself some slack. Which is how I translate self-compassion for myself.
Thankfully, I have a plethora of movies and books to completely lose myself in when I'm just "over" looking at, feeling, being... in my own predicament. I've been escaping into those places ever since I learned to read at 4 or 5. By 7 or 8, I was hiding under the covers with a book and a flashlight, and a transister FM radio with ear piece. I've rediscovered one of those places recently.
There's a series on cable tv: Outlander. I had read the whole series of books back when I left hubby #2 and was transitioning to the new relationship with Mike. A woman from the 1940s time travels through a standing stone, back to the 1700s in Scotland... and is involved with the love of her life then. There's political intrigue of course. And men in kilts. With REALLY strong legs. :lol: I don't read a lot of romantic novels... but this one really grabbed me. So that almost 20 years later, it's serving to help me redefine my "normal" again. And for the life of me, I'm afraid I have a weakness for the prototypical Scotsman... there are several relationships in my past. Mike also; but he wasn't that physical type at all.
Rambling. I was so tired after a few hours work outside yesterday in the growing humidity & heat that I went to bed early, made coffee at 5:30... didn't go get my first cup until 7:30... and here I sit, babbling. Guess it was time for a break. I get my hair cut today... and all the local gossip, too. I picked up a new lipstick last time (not that I've worn it yet)... I'm still trying to convince myself that I should learn to wear makeup, but it seems like long past the time that it even matters. LOL.
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Random updates...
I start the first year of anniversary dates this month. We discovered and bought the cabin last July. In August, we made our first trip up for keys and to "claim" it with our own rituals - Mike was so tired he slept most of the time and I think that was the last long drive he drove.
I see them having more than one quality. Of course, there will be the twinge. (And I'm still dealing with all his "stuff") But I also think I might finally figure out how to "let go"...while celebrating all the good - with no need to dress it up and pretend it was "perfect".
I have someone riding herd on me about the necessary tasks of the estate tax return. So, no more "I really don't want to look at that again, because I just don't want to - so there" - type procrastination. I've run across my professional hat somewhere in this process and it still fits - and THIS TIME, all that persona/skill is being put to my benefit. I still have to keep telling myself the tax return details are a one-time thing. It is NOT the new 16-ton anvil that I must drag around in my new life. Do it this one time... and then I'm past it... and I'll be that much more Free to feel OK about making future decisions.
The need for validation (specifically from men) I mentioned in Tupps' thread is a big deal right now. I'm working through it a little at a time. For me, it's the anti-Kryptonite of Nmom invalidation (which is STILL ongoing, mind you... sigh... without asking, she is insisting on sending me a "box"; pictures and such. OH well, I have a lot of other stuff going bye-bye around here... unpack, inspect, add to the pile). It's kind of making my male friendships a little prickly... so it's better I work on that self-validation in "splendid isolation", as much as I can stand it.
So, penpal is travelling cross-country. I'm not even sure how long - but it will be several more weeks yet given his destinations and the miles involved. I got a message that he'd arrived at his first stop; I told him I'd catch up when he got back - so I can concentrate on the damn "LIST" - and so far so good. That email account might bounce by then... LOL. (That would be mean and dishonest; but it is tempting.)
This buys me some time to really think about if I even want some kind of connection like this. My D keeps pushing me to meet people face to face -- as if that's a sure-fire way to be able to tell who's honest, kind & for real versus online friends. I know she must have that big circle of people; I've never needed or had it. Doesn't make me anti-social... it's just that I am putting myself first, still; and being with other people involves that "making space" for someone else; that trade of energy... and I see myself as still being pretty needy rather than being full enough to have extra to share.
Well, the first house I was looking at (closer to the cabin) is under contract. But I've found another. Today is contact the realtor day, along with a couple of other things on the list. I think the cabin is going in the direction of being a complete and total retreat... a monk's hideaway. And all the people I've dealt with there have been absolutely wonderful, so far. The new place is located close enough to where I used to live to be able to pick up some things I enjoyed from my former "life" again... for my kids to make a quick visit... and be able to see my friends. And it looks ideally suited for me to re-acquaint myself with a lot of creative skills - and explore some new ones. And it's still really private.
But I don't want to jinx that one so that's all I'm sharing for the time being. I'm so tired of being pulled in so many different directions - business, paperwork, what I want to do - what friends & family THINK I should do... blech. It all amounts to "too much stuff". Just like eating too much makes your stomach hurt and constipates you... too much life "stuff" does the same to the spirit. Sifu says: to learn something new, first you must empty your cup.
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Hear hear, Amber.
To all the above....here's to emptying out cups so we may fill them with what we want.
Lighter
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So, knowing people are waiting on ME to provide them what they need to further help me get to the point, where I'm free of the legal, financial end of dealing with Mike's passing is a terrific motivator to get my butt in gear. It's BUSY around here lately.
Yes, the list still includes specific "taking care of me" things too.
And something new - and potentially fruitful - has popped up re: Twiggy's saga that I'm writing my way through sporadically. It "feels" like "finishing touches"... but of course, we know that's rarely the case. Still, it could be.
I know how unconventional my "hermiting" instinct is to a lot of people; and I really don't believe that I don't need to visit with and feel connected to people at all. But there is something really cleansing about this time; like a detox fast the body -- only for emotions and mind. And it doesn't get all cluttered up with other people's reactions to me, or what I'm feeling or thinking. I simply do not have the patience to other people's "stuff" right now... while I'm sorting out mine in a pretty intense and active fashion.
But, a lot of the process of settling things involves a lot of other people as well... so maybe it's "settling" now; reaching a new balance?
I dunno. Sometimes I think I'm just along for the ride on what my experience is... because try as I might, there's no predicting or "managing" or "controlling some the emotional reactions that bowl me over. Being as solitary as I am, it's way easier to just let that run it's course... be what it is... and hold on until it subsides. It always subsides.
I was so looking forward to the season finale of "Outlander" - a historical drama/love story that's been around since before Mike & I were really together. I was reading the novels then. But that finale deals so much with love & loss... and I guess I didn't have my "empath" shields up. That threw me way into the deep end of emotion all over again and it's taken days for it to calm down completely -- but I've been back to business & functional a lot quicker.
I seriously think that dealing with all his affairs & stuff -- and dragging this process out too long -- is one thing that keeps that wound fresh. I'm determined to finish up by the end of the year, now. And the house here is one of those things. We both wanted to live at the beach... but this particular property was his idea of HOW to live at the beach... and well, without him here, I don't feel particularly connected to the place.
So, I'm headed back "home"... but not quite. I'm going to look at an appropriate place about an hour away and across the state line. Better tax situation; more rural... closer to the cabin - but also the small city I know so well, along with the people in it. I think anyway. I still have to see the property. And see if I can work them down from the asking price, which just seems high for the area.
Oh, and I figured out where I put my "professional" hat... it still fits.
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Amber:
I never felt you were particularly attached to the beach house, for what it's worth... not from reading your posts.
The upkeep and maintenance seemed to be a burden AND it made you somewhat dependent on people you didn't feel particularly safe around..... I'm all for your selling it, renting it out Airbnb maybe? or renting it to full timers? Still... PITA if you keep it, and I like the idea of you breezing between the cabin, a nice little cozy place you feel grounded in and your daughters.
Maybe the house you're looking at needs to sit a bit before the price is right.... maybe they'll take much less... don't ask, don't get.
I'm doing a bit of hermit work myself right now. It is cleansing. It is cathartic... at least it is for me.
Good luck with the house hunt,
Lighter
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Fingers, toes, and all hairs crossed that it works out with the house, Amber!
You sound calm, accepting, un-agitated...that is wonderful.
Whatever you've been up to, you've found your balance again, sounds like.
I'm so happy for you.
love,
Hops
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Thanks. I think I was right about the "weight" of all the "stuff" I have here to personally touch and deal with, being what is in the way of me of moving ahead. It's like a boat anchor keeping chained to my past life.
Seriously busy week last week and I was able to keep going; no emotional whiplash. And by the end of that week, I had something to show for it - I have an auction company very interested in the parts of the biggest collection that simply need "to go" -- they even come here, do all the packaging and take it with them. I'm tickled pink over THAT. But it gets better: the first date I was given for that pickup to happen was end of Sept (which would've been an emotional anniversary and when the worst part of the implant in my tooth takes place). Now they're saying beginning of August.
Business stuff is moving ahead too. And I'm squeezing out time to go look at this property Tuesday. I keep telling myself to keep an open mind - and THEN, I'll let myself second guess myself; LOL. But I think I've already started in on that, wondering: is it too expensive for what I'm able to spend right now? Is it too close to the dreck and "city-attitudes" that I moved AWAY from, going on 7 years ago now? And as I go around getting ready to leave in the morning, I find myself collecting up all the things that I intended to the cabin next trip... so, hmmmmmmm...
So, I've had to make myself promise - cross my heart & hope to die - that a) I won't make an offer on Tues' property unless it totally knocks my socks off and b) I'll ask the realtor for comps in the area before I do make an offer. Unless that area has quietly become another DC-dweller "retreat" area, I just don't see the price being reasonable for that county. Remember, I've lived since 1980 in that general area and while I know there are some million dollar places in those mountains - they're few and far between. And they're also older & dated, for the most part.
The last place, I drug my feet about going to look at - and missed it. This one, I don't want to be in that big of a rush. I do NEED to walk it, take in the sensory data of the place, poke around in non-photogenic spaces... look at maintenance requirements... that kind of thing. And then I'll have a better idea if that's a realistic price or not. And I looked yesterday; nothing new in the location that I'm "stalking".
August is going to be busy too, with the auction people showing up, I will clear out some more space/stuff that can be donated (and they pick up too). And I DO want to get to the cabin again for a few more days. So, I'm probably NOT going to have the mental space to really decide anything for a bit.
It's kinda been 0-90 mph this week. I took yesterday off to just be a slug. I still want a bubble bath; just 'coz.
OH - I had the most enjoyable conversation Friday morning. I had the first time slot for an oil change on my jeep... and I was a little early. So was the other white-haired lady waiting for them to unlock the door. We just started in talking like we were old friends... and since her family's been here on the beach since before paved roads, we were talking about the history and how the place has changed. I've read about it; and seen Mike's family pictures from the 40s forward -- from a true sandbar, no vegetation -- to all these houses, the expansion of the maritime forest, and lots & lots of dune grass...
The funny thing was that we could've been twins - right down to the fact that her cell phone used the same ring tone as mine. And I immediately LIKED her - which almost never happens to me, when I meet people. I remember her first name; but the last has slipped my memory since we just bounced around so many topics. Jeep was done before I was ready to leave - seemed like 10 minutes - but it was almost an hour. It still feels like a strange, fateful meeting of some sort. All good, mind you...
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Amber:
I'm hoping you keep in touch with the lady you met.
IMO you'll eventually end up in the right new home situation..... if it hasn't happened yet, then it just wasn't time. Losing one gives you more information about new potential houses, IME.
Give us an update on the house you viewed when you get a chance: )
Lighter
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Oh hey. Hi there. I've been kinda distracted this week. :shock:
So, well... I put an offer on the new place. NOT overpriced. But I didn't offer full asking either. After 24 hrs of trying to over-analyze and find reasons to talk myself out of it... the only one I came up with was that where the smaller-than-normal county road connects to the state 2-lane, it could potentially be really dangerous to pull into/out of. Seriously: that was the ONLY downside I could find - all of the things I would've done to make a place snug, cozy and as self-reliant as possible already existed here. And of course, the price is significant. But not impossible for me -- and half the value of the beach house. (Also half the expenses...) That makes it financially sane to keep cabin 1, too.
My homesteading group complied with my request to throw 2x4s at my head to make a decision on this. One even asked me to turn around to get the other side - LOL - she lives in WV, too. It's REALLY pretty. First thing that took my breath away were the big bedrock boulders covered in moss & lichens; the forest is younger trees - the result of timbering, I'm sure - and the undergrowth is sparse compared to what I'm used to. Even less than at cabin 1... which feels very open, compared to NC.
There's a pond; plenty of work space - a full studio over the big garage (and more garage under the house. All the major systems use propane and there are windows a plenty so that one would seldom need to even run the lights. Fireplace, woodstove... and a gas fp in the master. Rather than being rustic cabin... it's more a modern post & beam style with industrial touches. About 5 acres open; 5 wooded. So if I choose to tie myself down with critters, I could. Artesian well -- and extensive water conditioning/filtration equipment. It's really PRETTY - but in an unassuming way.
And it's at the end of this gravel road, that only has two other houses - smaller but very well kept places. And still just 1/2 an hour from Winchester. That's where we moved from, when we came down here. The roof is in good shape, but down the road, I'll probably put a standing seam metal one on, to collect rain water. It's big enough that I have room for the kids to come & stay - but they won't be on the road all day to come visit, either. Only a couple hours away. Cabin 1 is only a couple hours away from this place, too...
SO... that lets me have a home-base a lot closer to there, that I can simply move into, as I gradually get that one ready to be a completely off-grid retreat and refuge from modern life. I really feel I want to take my time with that project and think it through a lot better than I've had a chance to, so far.
And it's time to close up the beach chapter in my story. If I need an ocean fix, I'll rent a place for a couple weeks or a month (in the off-season) and eliminate all that expense & overhead & storm risk from my "have-to" list. That will truly be a lot more relaxing and fun - like it used to be - than living here through tourist season. I think Mikey will like the new place, but I do think his ashes are going to end up at the first cabin. That's the one he liked; the new place is more what I had in mind.
And yes, Lighter... it is now time. It wasn't before. I'm learning to pay a lot more attention to that kind of thing and work within it, instead of trying to fight it. Things just seemed to both break loose and start moving... and come together, this week.
WHEE....... 8)
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Well....
::gulp::
you put an offer in! How exciting... and a little scary too, but it's exciting!
I've oddly enough been spending time in WV, and it is beautiful. All the trees, and moss as you say.... and ticks.
::nodding emphatically::
So.
Many.
Ticks.
Please feel free to share details on how long the house has been on the market, and what the realtor says about the sellers and motivation. I'm fascinated by the idea of going off grid, though I don't know a lot about doing it in an area covered by trees without the ability to utilize solar energy.
Are you thinking Geothermal options? If not, what are the options?
I'm just so happy for you. I've been spending time in WV, though likely 3 hours or so away from where you are, I can just picture what you're describing..... it sounds just perfect, Amber: ) It really is beautiful.
Lighter
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Lighter, it just came on the market a month ago. I've been checking the online sites frequently for places of interest. Last year's cabin, while surrounded by trees on the side of a gorge that opens up to the south and west, has a large clearing for the home site. This new one, is open for about 5 acres around the house & pond - with some strategically placed shade trees. Still do-able for some solar; say to run the well pump. I'm not a fan of putting photo cells on the roof - so they can be located closer to what they are intended to provide power to.
Yesterday, the realtor called and said there's another offer and sellers are asking for best & highest offer. I'm only $23k below asking and all cash, no contingencies. I'm standing pat; it's a good solid offer and all I'm comfortable with at the moment; it's take it or leave it for the sellers time... and if I'm overbid, I'm at peace with that. The property is over-priced for the county but from what I saw in person it is indeed worth it. Just not sure I want to be "that person", in that area, living in "that house". I want to blend in a little more than that. But imagination is a tricky thing. Especially about places.
5 pm today is the deadline for their decision - so I'm betwixt & between. But the purge and organization MUST go on, whether I am able to move in soon... or not so soon. The heat has been an obstacle for me the past couple weeks, here. Even inside it's hard to have any energy. It's warm up there, too -- but without the 75% or more humidity it's still bearable if you take appropriate measures. The paperwork kind of thing for the tax return & business are stacking up again too... and I have to plough on. Today I'm going to try physical stuff (the purge side of things) to get out of neutral... while waiting for the heat to move on.
The people I've met on my meager handful of times I've spent at cabin 1, have been absolutely wonderful. I get such a good feeling from the folks there and they are so kind and perceptive and helpful - neighborly - it more than makes up for my limited space in the building itself. The LAND is still quite magical; there is a very very strong earth-energy there that needs to be learned. Worked with, instead of fancy-schmanchy ideas forced into and onto the land. (There are serious consequences when people try to do that, I find.) It has it's downsides, too... but it's not like I don't have the experience to cope with those specific ones.
New place is closer to all the crap I left in that small city 6-7 years ago. And since then, it's only gotten worse. But, the site well-hidden enough, off the beaten trai,l that for all intents & purposes that city won't exist. There are 3 mountains between that place & "town". But it's also closer for me to maintain relationships with kids and friends. Trade-offs... almost always have to be made.
So, I'm releasing my expectations and wants to the universe to decide. I think I chose well, to bid on this one... and what happens happens. It will be OK.
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Woo-Hooooo! They accepted my offer. Here I come, new adventures!!
But not for a little while, at any rate. Closing is pushed back till the end of Sept - and I have a big dentist's appt then - because there's a delay for them, to get into their new place. Part of my offer was that I could be flexible on the closing date, because I'm still purging. Haven't packed a single box.
Logistics all TBD for the time being. I've moved so many times, in so many different ways that by now I don't even need a list. But there are going to be some hard choices about keep/let go, still. Still letting a lot of the past - and the shared dream for this place - settle into it's own chapter and giving myself permission to "boldly go where this Amazon has only kinda gone before"... LOL LOL LOL.
And I'm still trying to shake penpal loose. But that's another story and not all bad; just "odd" in an eccentric way. He is all the way up in Alaska for the next couple months, so it's pretty easy to not hear my phone... or be so busy I forgot to check my email. He is just not the type of guy I'm real comfortable around, so while we're off doing our own things I'm going to just come right out suggest that this will best for both of us. I don't know how anyone can plant and then just walk away for the season... and expect to get anything out of the effort. And he doesn't seem to hear me, when I contrast my being more a home-body with his restless need to travel far & wide.
He keeps saying he wished we'd had more time to get to know each other before I started making plans and laying tracks doing my own thing. Uh-huh. Keep on wishin' buddy. The absolute WORST thing a guy could bring to the table with me - at this point in my life - is wanting to bend me to their plans & wants & wishes and denying me, mine.
The studio at the new place is the space I've dreamed about for 30 years. There are a lot more men out there who would respect that and why it's important to me. I'm not looking for a security blanket anymore; someone to hide behind.
Anyway, gotta boogie... my super nice landscaper is coming over this morning to go over plans for the beach property. Timing could NOT be more perfect.
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Congrats, Amber!
So very happy for you!
It sounds as though you have found the perfect balance that will let you retreat, be comfortable, be inspired, and re-engage when you do want to. What a place it sounds like.
FWIW, when I returned to my home town I found so many new, kind and interesting people had moved there in the interim that in many ways it was a new town for me. And that's been true since I came back in 1999. I don't know everyone, new things to do are everywhere, and I meet new terrific people all the time. But the mountains I bonded with as a child still curve around us all, so my nature need is met, and the connection is strong.
hugs
Hops
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Thanks Hops. Positive things to look for are good. I'm having emotional whiplash day today - just limp (melted more like it; I need a break in the heat) - and just not feeling much of anything except numb.
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Well, that's better. I retreated to the cave-like cool in my bedroom for a long time. Just a book to help my eyes close and little soft music to blot out any small noises that would tweak my hypervigilant "early warning system". And my lovey guard cat.
There are a couple things going on, I guess. Buying a house that I can simply move into, makes leaving this place an imminent reality; another "goodbye". There will be mixed feelings about that - many happy memories associated with this place, and the mega-sad one from last fall doesn't overwhelm those. It is just it's own memory; and even that isn't all sad - because it was the fulfillment of what we promised each other.
Next week, there is an auction company coming to catalog, inventory, package and take back with them... 2/3 of a serious collection of Mike's that has some investment value to it. It takes up a LOT of space too. And he was almost as attached to those pieces, as much as he was to me. LOL. I simply don't have the time to manage sales, in a onesy-twosy fashion and the sheer bulk of the collection has been like a mountain standing in my way. This method clears the mountain out of the way and makes both timing and logistics of moving easier. Still: it's something he really cared about and I clearly have memories about when he bought many of those pieces. I'm dragging my feet on doing the first major sort, so what I'm keeping for myself or the girls isn't even part of what they're dealing with. By some quirk of fate, the first date I was given - end of Sept - for pickup turned into beginning of August and that makes for perfect timing to move forward, finally. The auctions won't be for some months yet, but that's OK because everything they take with them, is less I have to pack.
Landscaper showed up yesterday to talk about plans for cleaning up the yard & adding a little something for color out front at the entrance, to replace the palm trees that froze out. We're putting knock out roses on both sides; just a line each of those to divide the (bigger than it looks) space and add some color... without committing a new owner to a defined landscape plan. They'll trim things; clean out the wild grapevines and virginia creeper; and mulch. He thought I was at the cabin, all this time. And he knows the guy who'll end up being my realtor; a friend and someone who knew Mike well. I do like small towns where everyone knows everyone. I ran into his better half at the mailbox last week and gave her a head's up about what I'm doing.
I'm going to have some little things to do inside, too. There's a tiny bit of crown moulding that's needs to be - and never was - put up in the dining room, to just "finish off" an accent wall the previous owner started. There is also miles & miles of white woodwork that needs cleaned up and painted. The outside trim was painted 2 years ago; but it already needs some touchups, where the landscape guys hit a few things. And possibly some grout rework in the master shower. OH... lamps outside & a section of fence stabilized.
At that point, all the things that have been on my "to-do" list since we moved in, will be done. LOL. Time to move! LOL.
I am also asking myself & the universe if Mike's ashes are going with me (to ultimately go to the little, first cabin) or if he's staying here with our used cats and old Raleigh. If it's OK for me to go on to new adventures without him. I realize I can punt on that decision for a little bit. But it doesn't hurt to start asking now. So many losses - along with all the life, lived - here, for me.
Then: there is the strong, dominant conditioned neural pattern that says anything I do FOR myself, that I really WANT to do, and any large decision, in fact, involving large sums of money... MUST BE FRAUGHT with FEAR and negative concerns about whether or not I have clue #1 about "what is best for me". (Excitement quickly turns into apprehension.) Because of some magical algebra that says if anything good happens to me, I've just called down with absolute certainty -- something BAD, as well. Because I'm not allowed to choose for myself; I'm not allowed to want anything (that would be selfish); because I DON'T MATTER.
I am getting really sick and tired and angry about that mental reflex; emotional whiplash. I don't care enough anymore to ask how or why I have the reflex... I simply WANT IT TO STOP. GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE. I'm not hurting anyone; I'm not taking from anyone or short-changing them in some cosmic, karmic balance sort of way. I'm just trying to live my life the best way I can for me and am choosing what I know I want for me. That ISN'T BAD, in anyone's value system.
So, I'm here-by putting that reflex on notice. It can BITE ME; KISS MY ASS... because at this point in my life, what I do doesn't affect anyone but ME... and if there is some "further on" impact... to anyone else, I guess they'll just have to live with it, because they've told me in no uncertain terms that they just want me to please myself; suit myself. If that was just lip service, then it's their problem.
The other thing - and the words fell out of my mouth the other night - is that people seem to think I'm "Wonder Woman" and can move large furniture up and down stairs all by myself. That I can be in two places at once, and operate on many multiple levels of topics/thought & energy all at once -- like some insane version of 3-D chess. Uh.... just because I know how to make things happen, doesn't mean I can do all those OTHER things without a football team of nice, well-mannered strong young men. (or some other version, there of...)
OK, there. That's better. That's all I have on the list to vent & bitch about. I'm better now and know just exactly how blessed & fortunate I am, too. But I haven't been able to get a couple of those topics out in the open to clear the air in my head, yet.
Moving on. If I don't get out to the grocery store today, I'll have to fight tourist traffic and crowds tomorrow. And it's still dangerous HOT here. Y'all have a good Friday and weekend... I'm going to be trying to get as much done inside, as possible.
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::huge sigh::
I'm excited for you Amber but also conflicted about the move and everything leading up to it. There will be pain but this pain is most certainly growth and movement and acceptance of what comes next.
Mike would want you to have a studio with sunny uncluttered floors. He'd want you to be strong and independent and most of all.....now imho..... he'd want you to have you. All your skills,attention, creativity and potential available and maximised on your own behalf.
I think he's with you and happy/giddy with anticipation for what you'll choose next. He's with you no matter what you decide to do with his ashes. Carry a small vile or entire urn or scatter them on the wind.... he'll celebrate his incredible sKeP and marvel at the sides of her he never knew. He'll root for you Amber and celebrate the triumphs imo.
He'll want you to feel you're on your own team....a powerful resource and beneficial ally if only you can possess the knowing of that truth.
Good luck sorting, packing and making your peace, Amber.
It's time for that too....and maybe some fireside dancing in the woods.
Nature is a healing balm.
I'm happy for you and congrats on the new homestead.😃
Lighter
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Tough week, this week. That's OK.
I figured it was going to be hard to part with items that were part & parcel of a lot of Mike's joy in life - after people. S'posed to happen yesterday, but the crew got delayed in massive thunderstorms in another part of the state. Going to be today. It just feels (undeniably) like I'm saying goodby again... but I keep telling myself that it's also going to be a BIG relief to have at least one closet back again.
Mike's D is coming with the kiddos to spend a few days on Sunday; staying till Wed. I thought it was Wed, going to next Sunday - LOL. I have some of PawPaw's things set aside for Logan. It will be good to have them around. Happy chaos. Hmmm: list note - have to clean off the kids' toys.
Landscapers dove on this place Monday-Tuesday. No, it's not perfect; yes they wiped out the ground cover I had planted AGAIN; and they didn't trim several tree branches I'd pointed out. But it's a good trade anyway -- I was surrounded by men who were doing what I told them to do. LOL. And the boss-men I talked with immediately jumped into "play mode", teasing me upon first meeting me... and yep, ole Twiggy was right there to respond in kind. I can't tell you how much I needed that. That kind of interaction with guys is like cold water to someone dying of thirst. The kind of bonding-play guys do among themselves is something I've almost always been invited into and has been a part of my longest, most dear relationships. There is an assumed respect, btw, that goes right along with this kind thing for people's real boundaries. And real trust, too, that we'd have each other's backs if needed.
And yeah, aren't the clues about Daddy-issues in that REAL INTERESTING?? LOL. Or maybe it's because there were mostly boys in the neighborhood that I played with, growing up. I make sure I note them, and simply watch, these days. I don't have something that I feel needs "fixing" in this area... just trying to see if revelations occur. I do know my conversations with my brother have also taken a new turn, since Mike passed. Watching that too, since it seems he's just as stunned as I am... and we're both kind of "letting it be" right now.
I feel like once this pick up takes place, I'm going full on into moving mode/work. So I'm not pushing myself physically right now. There's going to be one more big ruthless purge coming, too. And then I'll be almost ready to start packing and shifting into moving logistics.
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Amber....
It squeezed my heart painfully to read....
"I have some of Paw Paw's things set aside for Logan."
It reminds me the empty space left behind by the loss of loved ones is..... multi dimensional. The loss isn't just ours, and we can't save anyone from it. Just be there, listen, and share the important things as we can. I've given up trying to shelter people, or save them. Given up trying to believe I can. A revelation of sorts, and very recent for me.
You wrote "Happy chaos." That's just what it is, and it's a blessing if we surrender to it, and remain present for it, IME. It's just hard to be present, darnit.
When you wrote about playing again.... it was such a joy to read. Amber/sKep/Twig recognizing a familiar comforting piece of herself, and turning toward it. Truly a nice moment, and I'm so glad you shared it here.
Reading ".....one more big ruthless purge....." brought up concern, but nothing heart squeezing. You're strong, and surfing real good right now.
You'll get through this.
Maybe the hard part is over.
Lighter
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Thanks Lighter - I've been better than "ok" this week, except for feeling tired. It's more emotionally drained than anything else, although yesterday's "feels like" temp was 103 (and really humid) again. I didn't have ANY single identifiable emotion or any whiplash effect from having 2/3 of Mike's major collection leave here on Friday. Just a sense of relief, in a rational way, that one big problem was solved and it was OVER.
A lot of my mental time is spent envisioning the house, the space I've got to work with, what furniture makes sense to take with me... and where it's going. There is a lot of glass (again) rather than wall space... and I'm worried now, about the condition of the decks. Good thing the kids are well-versed in deck construction and I'm no slouch either; just more hands make less work. As I review the "picture" in my mind, from the drive in... I'm trying to decide where a barn should go. I don't have any livestock animals and never have had; not even a horse... but I feel like this place is crying out for a barn. LOL.
OH... and I'm also trying to decide whether Mike's ashes stay here, or go with me and to which place. Part of me is saying he needs to stay here. Make a clean and final "break" - that's not going to happen for some months yet, anyway. On the other hand, I do want him to be able to find me at some (hopefully very distant) point in time. And I'm not keeping him around so I can avoid meeting new people... or thinking that it's impossible for me to have another relationship with a guy, at some point. I'm just still rather of fond of him and he's always been my rock, so I talk over things with him. Probably ought to ask HIM, where he wants to be. His D will be here this evening for some days of R&R with kiddos, so I'll try to remember to ask her opinion too.
So, I have a busy day trying to scrape the first layer of dirt up from the place, do a little grocery shopping, etc before they get here. It'll be dinner time so I want to make it easy for them to get off the road and relax a little before bedtime.
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UPDATE:
Dagnabbit. I did it again.
I've bitten off way more than I can chew dealing with the mountain of "stuff" in this place. And I'm feeling sorry for myself because I'm ALMOST working 40 hrs a week at one part of this puzzle or another. And I'm tired. I want to goof off because it's FINALLY a reasonable temperature and humidity outside.
Every time I think I know what the schedule is around here - it changes. I can't find the list I need, when I need it. And I feel as though there's just no space to do the sorting and packing that I've finally started - while the alarm system guys were here Thursday, upgrading the cell chip to something not totally archaic. Realtor spent 3 hours here with me, walking through the whole property and pointing out even MORE things to put on my to-do list. Daughter H is on the way with her energizer bunny energy and (mostly) compatible view about logistics to help with the stuff that needs done FIRST.
Realtor is thankfully a friend. He's promised not to overwhelm me, but he did anyway. October is the prime real estate period around here and he doesn't want to list until we take care of some essential "have tos" first... so now I have a target deadline. He will send me contractors to do what needs doing on a couple of things. The closing date on the new property is shifting around too and they want to lease-back for a couple of weeks which is just fine - BUT - I have things to move that a mover won't transport... and if I have them in to just pack stuff willy-nilly... those things need to be "gone" from here until I can move them myself.
And somewhere in all this mess, I have to change my address with a whole list of people. Blech. And well, I'm just whiny about all of it.
I feel like I don't even know where to start or what to do -- because it doesn't matter which thing I do first, it ALL has to get done.
And of course under all that is the reality of saying goodbye to this place, this whole chapter in my story and feeling a little sad about that, angry at all the "stuff" Mike piled in here, excited about the new place and trying to make any plans about what I want to do there... yet... so that I can focus on the things I need to do to GET there.
ETA: I just realized. All these people in "my space" is one reason I'm so tired. Kinda hard to not have people around if I really do want and need the help, huh?
Maybe I'll have ice cream for lunch. Ice cream goes well with whine doesn't it?
:lol:
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Heeeeey, heyyyyyy there, hon.
Moving is #2 on the Official Shrink List of Major Life Stressors for a reason. And #1 is Death of a loved one. 'Allo? Cool bedroom breaks with comfort cat? I think so!
I would submit that Living with a Packrat is on that list, and Invasion of Hired Persons is too.
I so so sympathize with how you're feeling, Amber. I've just had a damaged wall of my house reconstructed and between getting (and trusting) contractors (it took three companies and all of THEIR bids--asbestos siding removal, mold remediation, contractor) I am completely worn out. Even though the contractor has been terrific.
Another life stressor on the list might be Dog Wrangling.
This is a small house.
My pooch feels a moral obligation to murder every strange male who enters.
I have to keep her on the leash to keep them safe from nips, while remembering to hold her at ankle distance from the well-meaning person, who is trying to explain to me what needs doing or he is doing in a 10' x 11' room. Alternatively, I have one other room I can close her into (combined office-guest room, BR #2) and that works, except we humans have our discussions through her urgent barking. "I am supposed to attend this meeting, YAP!"
So for weeks now I've spent the hours the workmen are here closed up in the larger office/guest BR with pooch--she calms down after a while. (But every time I need to talk with them and leave her protection zone...you get the idea.)
It's nearly done, except for paint next week. A week ago I got a cold and now it's my classic asthmachitis. (Gurgling frantic coughing for two weeks, exhausting.) While job hunting.
So in perspective, I'd say you DO have a massive buncha stress and I just hope Comfort Cat is up to the job. And now you have a deadline.
I hope some more purging-ruthlessness can kick in. I don't think things, or the management of things, is as important as is letting go of things. Once you move you'll probably go to bed for a month and remember, you can re-deck/beautify/fiddle with your new place forever.
BTW, when finally my mother's home sold, the contract specified AS IS. You have every right to say to your realtor, I will do X and X and X on your "must do" list. And the rest of it will be As Is. (Purchasers can always adjust their bids to account for repairs they will want to do before move in.) You have every legal right to fix only what you want to.
You don't have to please your realtor. Their agenda is not in precise alignment with yours, so identify your own boundaries around the Must Do list. You are the customer.
hugs
Hops
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Well, yesterday I did laundry. Read most of the afternoon. Holly rolled in around dinner time and then a friend of hers who is vacationing here came over for awhile. That let me retire at a normal hour while the younger folks burned the midnight oil.
I feel a little better. Not so.... pushed.
The height of irony is, that while I'm purging as fast as I can to make room for packing... my mom still keeps asking me if I want this... or that... to ADD to the already mountainous stack. But at least she has started to inquire as to how I'm feeling these days... and actually listening to the reply. It's a very small adjustment in her "other people deaf" monologue, but it is there. I guess I'm seeing a door to maybe having a mom again, when I'm almost 60 (!) is all the choice I'm going to get out of that. Better late than never? It's just curious to me. My brother does validate my perception that she's way out there around the bend crazy, though. I remain wary.
Hops, our poor animals are doing their best to protect us and do their jobs -- from the POV of their own universe. LOL. But I think they also reflect some of our emotional wavelengths too - mirroring them for us - so we can see it and realize: OH, that's how I'm feeling too.
Getting that mold gone will definitely help your health. Just watch the off-gassing of new materials. Some things bother me more than others - fragrance and formaldehyde for instance; while I have no issues at all with oil/turpentine based solvents. There's no better time to do things like that, than the present - labor & materials are not getting less expensive. It prevents even more work and bigger bills later on, too.
I understand the realtor is trying to find all the ways to spit-shine this place, make it look attractive (or not attract negative attention) to buyers. I'll proritize the list by Monday. There's one big thing on the list I'm not going to do. As a buyer, I had paid to have that inspection done myself. I still have the 35 page report somewhere. Yes, it's 6 years old now... but it's not my responsibility to do that for a buyer. I still need to order appraisals for the beach house and cabin for the estate tax return... and the anxiety about money - having enough - is creeping back in to "season" all the other stuff.
This moving deal is not cheap. They are fabulous, very very good and very very fast. At least the last company I used was. But it doesn't come cheap either. Pizza and beer isn't going to cut it! And I am going to have to start talking to them, soon... too. Otherwise, I'll be waiting for an opening in the schedule.
Last time I moved, I lost 10 lbs and toned up all those legs & upper body muscles. If that happens, I might need a new wardrobe, too.... LOL.
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Yikes, Tupp, and Hops.
Terrible couple of weeks for you both.
If we remembered how hard purchasing a new property and moving can be we might never do it. It's done now, so..... ice cream, kitties, and hiding from contractors when necessary will be the order of the day till you're in the new house, IME.
I agree with Hops.... wittle down the list of things you'll keep. Give them to your children or Mike's kids, and travel with less. You'll be glad you did. If you can manage it, IME. I keep looking at my house, and thinking.... "edit, edit, edit" but it's hard to know exactly what to edit with so much stuff, IME. I just know I'd feel better if I did.
::sending ENERGY, strength and courage to paddle into safer waters::
For Hops, Amber, Tupp..... for us all.
Lighter
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From a hijacker on Amber's thread, much thanks ((((Lighter))))...your support is so strong.
About toxic products, Amber, I'm so with you. I researched/wrote about these issues for years via work and was certified as a "green design leader" through a council that promotes sustainable products...conferences plus an intensive three-day training in Minneapolis, 40 interior designers plus me. Fascinating stuff. I'm mentoring a young designer for her marketing plan now.
For this renovation, I specified low-VOC paint, and when the mold remediator wanted to paint the cleaned studs with Killz, I read its MSDS and decided instead on a relatively new Canadian product called Concrobium, widely available, which is totally non-toxic. (And which the mold company knew nothing about, hello?) My BR is now mold-free (it was in the damaged wall only) and the paint smell was very faint and gone in two hours.
If I could afford it every single item in my home would be green-ified, but as it is, I keep things simple (or old, thus pretty well outgassed). One trick is, if you can't afford new "green" furnishings (particularly anything with synthetic foam in it, and you also want to avoid nano-particle fabric/upholstery treatments--such as Scotchguard, awful stuff)...anyway, one trick is, to buy/repurpose furniture made prior to 1965 when the hideous chemical flame retardants were introduced. Some PBDEs are phased out now but they're just replaced with "cousin chemicals," or formulations like Firemaster...just as toxic. The only solution for foam when reupholstering is to order all-natural latex foam. Pricey but won't give you cancer.
I could go on and ON about these kinds of things (sorry, personal obsession) but probably the single best thing to read if you want a "green" home, other than the obvious use of natural cleaners and detergents, is this expose from the Chicago Tribune on flame retardants. It's riveting. http://media.apps.chicagotribune.com/flames/index.html (http://media.apps.chicagotribune.com/flames/index.html)
Okay, nose back in own business, but I do feel joy for you in imagining your pleasure in creating your new space...once you are finally, finally free of the detritus of the old! (No disrespect to the beloved Mr. Packrat.)
Oh, PS. A last minor but fun fixation. Getting gradually rid of all plastic in the kitchen. On my budget, that means on any estate sale or Goodwill visit, my first check is for retro glass containers for food storage. I've enjoyed seeing the cabinets slowly fill with Mason jars or 50s flour jars, kind of thing. Keeps the moth out and I like the look.
love,
Hops
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Oh I love a lively digression in my threads! Keeps me from feeling like I'm becoming my mother, you know? LOL. :shock:
Oy, there's a push-pull going on in the packing & decluttering. I don't "think" when I'm working - like when you pull weeds your monkey-mind goes to sleep because there isn't a lot for it to do. So that lets one hear the whispered emotional stuff a lot more clearly. But there isn't a lot there anymore. Not to trouble me, at any rate. Just a finality; the reality of leaving is setting in. And I have enough problems to solve sorting out the puzzle of packing up, that part of me is resisting starting the nesting process in a new place right now.
Do I really have to have everything decided before I deposit everything somewhere there? We've marked boxes by room, instead of contents so far. But this is stuff that is stored "just in case" a situation arises we need it. I don't have to fuss much about purging the tools & such - because those are interest almost everywhere. Since I can't move furniture between floors by myself (you do get spoiled with an elevator) I do have to decide the main pieces of furniture I'm taking and where it's going to go. I am definitely opting for less is more, furniture wise right now. But there is a decided lack of storage to address, that will have to happen after I get there.
I'm physically tired and going through decision-fatigue. But today the contractors didn't show up and I did very, very little today. I have the thrift store donation truck coming tomorrow and some more to pack and pile up for them. Still mostly working downstairs; the upstairs really won't take that long.
Another couple days and I'll bounce back out of this. Fact is: my stamina is holding up pretty good and so far, no big melt-downs either. (Fingers crossed it stays that way.)
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Amber:
How are you holding up?
Lighter
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Hmmm, lack of storage.
Just toying here and ignore if it's irritating...but what if you told yourself the job is to edit (love the term, Lighter) your possessions to the point that the existing storage at the new place will be all you need?
One possible organizing principle? People lived there before successfully. Maybe more than one people. But it might not work for your needs, especially the creative supplies.
I was pretty concerned about how it would all "fit" when I moved in here (after a 4-BR family house with huge basement and full attic). This is a 1100 sq. ft. house built in 1955. I have two BR closets, plus a small entry closet. The closets are the size of when the lady of the house had 4-6 dresses and a couple good blouses, and her spouse had one or two suits and a few shirts. Perhaps (woo!) some dungarees for yard work. And they shared it.
I have a cedar chest for sweaters, and a small maple dresser. But now my closet is full but not jammed. The kitchen's the same. What it has is "some" cabinets and "a" counter-top. I got rid of so much stuff it works. I even feel it's a luxury of space sometimes, because the addition on the back is open and full of light, big windows. But no additional storage.
I just don't care. I want less instead of more, and no longer want "just in case someday" belongings.
The one area I think about every time I read about your massive purging task, PR, is my home "office." That's where I stopped purging, in exhaustion, after moving in. Four years now and I still have piles of stuff in there to go through. I think it's because all the family stuff I kept, AND my writing stuff, is in there. I didn't have the emotional strength to encounter either (as you're being forced to do by the deadline) and I just closed the door. Ironically, as much as losing my D and all the family losses derailed me--what derailed me just as much was the emotional effect of working for Nboss for 8 years. He was an artist of belittlement. In a lot of ways I think that was just as damaging to my spirit as the damage a toxic family can do.
Total tangent, sorry.
With all my invisible mighty powers (wishing!) I send you as much extra strength as you need to get through this on your own terms and to your own standards/preferences...with a lot of encouragement for holding it all as loosely as you can. I bet it feels nearly impossible sometimes.
Mainly, don't do it perfectly. No need. Move sloppy. It's all okay. (Plus, you list when you want to list. Not when the realtor tells you to. You're the customer.)
love
Hops
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Ahhhh, Hops.
I'm ordering the book THE GIFT OF IMPERFECTION today. I've procrastinated, but darnit.... today is the day, and your post was the catalyst.
Has anyone read it?
Lighter
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Lighter, I am honored, nay, delighted to be in service as a catalyst for thinking about imperfection. It's just so...perfect for me.
THIS may be the career goal I've been looking for! If imperfection is a gift, my life is all Christmas.
But, seriously, would love to hear what you think of the book! Wonderful title.
hugs
Hops
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Mainly, don't do it perfectly. No need. Move sloppy. It's all okay.
love
Hops
Hops:
Juuuuuuust in case you didn't read my last post the way I intended.... the above quote from you to Amber, specifically, was what motivated me to order the book; )
Lighter
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No, I did get it!
I knew you spotted that remark and that it resonated.
I loved hearing it for you, too...
makes me happy to think of you giving yourself that particular gift.
Just have a sense it could come in very handy/healing in Lighter-life.
Big hugs,
Hops
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OK, I've had to force myself to pack - and JUST the stuff for the first private move. It's going to be a load, as it is. All stuff the mover won't take.
Contractors are moving right along; bills are rolling in and I'm (kinda) worried about cashflow.
BUT: the boat is gone and ready to be sold...
The bike is ready to roll onto the moving truck...
and the old classic jeep LIVES... LOL.
Mike's brother came down over the holiday and I decided we need to work on more "fun" stuff. Tinkering with vehicles is definitely fun for Chris. And we were inside while the tropical storm blew through here.
After Chris left, THEN I totally fell apart again. It was Labor Day last year, that I began to admit to myself just how sick Mike was. And I have been alone a lot - except for long-distance support/online & phone - and now I really appreciate having people around in the flesh, more than I did. The end of the month, is Mike's & my wedding anniversary too. So, I'm not going to try to make any rules about not falling apart in the middle of this process... but I hope I can keep going in spite of it, anyway.
Hops, why is it, having compassion for myself turns into feeling sorry for myself? Or are they the same thing? And the one phrase just got a negative connotation while the other word is held up to be worthy?
Progress is definitely happening here. The thrift store took a huge pile of stuff last week; there will be more. Friday, it seemed as though all I got done was business stuff while Chris started evaluating batteries and finished up his work week from here.
Along with the remainder of Jean's stuff that Chris took... I gave him the linen suit his mom was married in, during the war. Chris' daughter Clara is getting married next summer and I've been saving it back for her or Madeline. The over-sized mancave tv also went home with Chris. His son is doing remarkably well after getting his master's in finance & banking in 4 years and is now working for one of the big banks... and living frugally, in a shared house with 3 other guys. I can't think of a better home for that tv. It will get used & be appreciated... even if he never would've spent that kind of money on it. It's way too big for the new house... and I don't like the tv being the centerpiece of a room.
Chris is NOT like Mike, although he was definitely influenced by him and has sort of the family squirrelling nuts away for the winter traits. But we've worked together on a lot of things in the past year and it is a comfort to me when he is around -- without it getting weird. On the other hand, though, it does make me aware of how much better I function having a guy in that "place" in my life. The contractors even help some. What looks like a mountain to me is a matter of a 1/2 days work for them.
Lots of stuff running around in my head. Too much to put to keyboard this morning with the one contractor already at work this morning and the tile guy scheduled to arrive [edit: and the landscapers are here to deal with the stuff that blew down in the storm; I already started that Sunday]... I need to shower & get dressed. ;) Don't want to scare them off!
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Reading your post feels like you're moving through medium seas, at a good clip, but moving with speed and purpose.
There's going to be sea spray, the occasional rogue wave, and lots of hard bounces/jostling of self and possessions, but you're making good progress.
I see you shortening the distance between where you were, and where you want to be.
::nodding::
Lighter
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Lighter, the emotional stuff is flowing more freely and on it's own frequency than ever, right now. Sort of independent of everything else that's going on; sort of unbeknownst to me... except I'm feeling it... the brain just isn't registering it and adjusting quickly enough.
I'm having to remember to give myself a few minutes; an hour; a day before responding with to situations with an emotional response that may be steam just looking for an opportunity to vent through any opening whatsoever. Again. On whatever unsuspecting, well-meaning schlump is in the vicinity.
Things are moving fast. I'm learning a bunch o' things. I'm really grateful and more at ease and relaxed having some real flesh & blood people around. They are truly helping by knocking things that "have to" be done off the list... while I deal with business stuff, emptying shelves and cubby-holes, and parting with things that only take up storage space... and choosing the few that I'm keeping. Those people keep me steady on the emotional side of things; keep me moving forward.
I am picking up new rhythms, trying to make space for these people to do their things... not always gracefully, mind you... the carpenter who's been here for a week was afraid I was face-down somewhere inside on Monday when he forgot it was a holiday and came to work (LOL)... I was simply hiding in my total do-nothing-today cocoon. Not wanting anyone around me at all so that I could just let the internal pressure off, slowly and without explosions, and just enjoy the relaxation "let down" effect before the work started up again.
And I realize I'm scared to death of this decision (when I let myself think about it); that all I'm really craving right now is to clean my house here... and just "be" in it and enjoy it and say really long farewells. The reflex to self-doubt and self-judge and second guess is still there, but I've duct-taped it's mouth and tied it's hands and told it it has to wait UNTIL I've moved before it has enough data to even know if I'm doing the right thing or NOT. So THERE.
And it's the little cabin that's coming up for me... tempting me to "runaway" and simply "be" for as many days as it takes to get to a clear picture of "me" and the process that's going on. But I have to give the farm a chance, too. I want to do that... but until Friday it's still not mine. And there is STILL a lot more stuff that needs doing around this place... and it's still storm season too.
WHEE... LOL.
I think the only other person in the world who knows that I really CAN function in all this chaos is my D, Holly. I'm just not as physically able to keep going as I used to be, 20 years ago; but yes... I'm still going. Like a madwoman. Taking only a couple things on a time, and staging the logistics such that I'm still just doing this in steps -- instead of one big leap off the cliff.
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::sigh::
Reading your last post.....
it feels more like you've left the sea, and now you're air in the air....
way up high....
maybe too high, but higher than you've ever flown before.
You can't trust your wings in this thin air... can you?
Maybe you can, you're testing,
and paying attention...
to the feelings in your body.
Not necessarily assuming they ARE you, or that any particular feeling requires action.... just testing, and paying attention, and flapping away so you don't fall , but......
some day you're going to trusts your wings...
and soar.
::nodding::
And.... you wouldn't have made this move if the money wasn't going to add up. It will add up, and you're going to be OK. Lean into trust, sKeP. Enjoy this ride. You're IN THE SKY!
Lighter
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Lean into trust
Right words; right time. Exactly the right feeling...
Another early morning meeting today and it's closing day, on the farm. I feel like I haven't signed enough papers yet, so am kind of expecting - maybe just wary of - some last minute drama.
I'm going to miss my carpenter. He would always quit for the day around 3:30 or 4 pm - to go surfing - since Hermine kicked up some nice waves. Dropped off the titles and accessories for the boat to the shop on Roanoke Island yesterday. I think there's a buyer in the wings, is what I was told. That style is pretty popular around here - it will help offset the repairs going on here.
What I liked was he was here; but he didn't bother me unless there was a decision to be made and I didn't have to watch over his shoulder either. He obviously knew what the goals were of the various projects and how to get there. It only took him and a partner (finish carpenter) 20 minutes to cut & put up the little bit of crown molding it required to "finish" the dining room/loggia space. Finish carpenter will come back next week to caulk & paint. He's easy on the eyes. ;)
A couple more packing sessions on my storage furniture pieces and I'll be ready for the thrift store to come back and get those. They're huge and heavy. I'm going to be impressed if they really can get them out of the house. I recycled a lot of the glass knick-knacks - from a bin right into the dumpster. I love the sound of breaking glass in the morning... That was one of the best perks about picture framing; breaking up scrap glass.
Downstairs patio/pool fridge is sick. Stopped cooling after a horrendous noise back when Holly was here. Lost all the snacks in the freezer (which needed cleaning out anyway). So, have to call appliance guy today to pull that out & look at it... and also my double ovens, which weigh 400 lbs. The top one has an issue with the fuse for the microwave that's built into the oven.
So many little things going wrong around here; it feels like the house is mad at me. :( Even though I'm fixing things as fast as the guys can. :)
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I didn't want to digress in such a big way on your thread, Hops... and I'm in a reflective, rambling mood this morning. So, I brought my me-me-me crap over here.
I can see where the novelty of being alone can wear off, Hops. Last year this time, hubs was really starting to pull away from me into his own cocoon of fear and misery - and trying to be strong enough to not let me know. So I've been doing this for a year, and have start "noticing" things about it.
We used to joke around, that since he seldom left his tv & couch... I could hurt myself outside and die without him even knowing I needed him. And vice versa. But it didn't turn out that way, because I velcro'd myself to him as much as I could.
The biggest thing I've noticed, is that there is simply no substitute for having people around. I have a pretty solid existence in a handful of places online (but not FB) and these people behind the screen have been my friends and truly supportive through this past year -- just like you all have here, for longer than that. But it's only a substitute for "in person" connection. I really saw the contrast in how I felt, when Mike's brother was here - followed by the carpenter, for a week or so and some other contractors. And it's not that they're fixing things...
it's just whatever energy other people have in themselves; the ability to chat and work through things (problem solving); and knowing they have unique lives that I'm just a minor part of for a chapter of time. That's what I miss when I'm alone again - after I've rested up. ;)
My therapy kind of launched me into being alone - and becoming comfortable that way - for awhile. Moving to a new place just gave me the perfect opportunity to NOT make any new connections, too. But I think I'm starting move back the other direction now - looking for the balance point again - between being a happy hermit and having a "place" that's my own, in a group of friends.
That's something that's just happened since Mike's passing. Sure there were months where I really didn't want anyone around and I was simply letting the hurt & missing him leave my brain & body till it was bearable enough to put my head up, look around, and see what might be next for me. And the BIG thing about this, that I've noticed... is that the inner censor has pretty much vanished.
A lot of that was due to Mike relating how my strongly emotional expressions, or not very politically correct comments affected him. So in social situations, I felt I couldn't really be genuinely me... that I was walking on some eggshells... trying to be whatever this set of criteria for being civilized was. But it always meant I was trying to be someone I wasn't; to fit in and not embarrass him. My D says she experiences the same thing, with her SO. So maybe it's kind of a relationship thing? Where you both kind of create a "public" persona that is close to real & authentic... but isn't so raw.
Without that limiting factor around, I am more often - just being myself and letting the chips fall where they may about what people think. They aren't running away, screaming in terror or horror, shocked that this monster walks among them. LOL. Maybe... because of the specific past abuse, I am simply more sensitive to that kind of... behavior limitation? I don't say what's on my mind to shock anyone or provoke any kind of response... just chucking it out there.
I took one of those FB personality quizzes and my results on "empathy" were higher than average, but my "sensitivity" was almost off the chart. Taking things too personally, feeling overly responsible for other people's feelings... that whole sub-set of "symptoms" that are so common among children of Ns/Abuse. Outwardly, I present a pretty thick hide... but I guess I do chew on things after the fact more than a lot of people do. I have been practicing just letting those things go more quickly, for some time now. So, I don't lay awake nights over this kind of thing anymore - LOL.
I guess humans just sometimes get this wrong, and the actual boundary of being genuine and being cognizant of others and the impression they're making of you while you are genuine... is kind of a moving target. There are times and places, when what other think of you is more important than others, too. Sometimes, being completely totally yourself and honest, isn't the best way to engage in conversations, connections with others or negotiating those boundaries. (Memo to Mr. Trump...)
But I've been too afraid, for too long, to be myself openly with more people outside my "inner circle" relationships... trying to be invisible or quiet or evasive about "who I am" and what those characteristics are that make me - me. Somewhere in all of that there has to be a middle path, that while not always perfect, does allow for being relaxed.
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sKeP:
So much in your post resonates for me...... esp the part about just letting things go, and skipping the chew on, fret over, worry worry worry stuff.
I've hit a steady spot, hoping it lasts, where I feel centered, level, and anchored to terra firma. I can remember feeling conspicuously NOT deeply rooted to the earth, so I have something to compare it to.
I've been paying attention to the feeling, and waiting to see what happens next. I"m checking feelings, reflexively very often, and quickly dismissing if necessary before they get inside my head..... really wonderful stuff.
::nodding::
Lighter
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I like the way you both know and respect yourself, PR...
It's wonderful to read.
Good on ya!
xo
Hops
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Well, Hops... what's it been? 10 years or so, that I was reacquainted with Twiggy? Reconnected with my 5th grade friends on Facebook... and started studying "me" and working on reconciling the differences into a whole person. I would sure hope I'd be making some progress there by now - LOL. (The overachieving perfectionist says modestly & ironically.)
Still a long way to go, to be sensitive enough to my emotional "body" that I can recognize my own reactions and process them fast enough, to be able to respond appropriately to others in social settings. Things just set me off - the last one was actually a compliment. It was said that the person was amazed at how well I was moving through this transition time of "widowhood" and settling up on the affairs of this place... in a distinct and all-speed-ahead movement to whatever the next chapter in my life will be. That just made me feel awful that I wasn't wallowing in grief and overcome with loss; as if it were too easy for me to move on. Still has a lot of impact on me right now.
Just like there's an easel collecting dust in one end of the house... that business-suited, no BS, on top of the situation "me" hat, needed only to be discovered in the closet and put on and set to work. It actually feels good to be making decisions, moving in a direction, choosing goals again. I was kinda antsy about doing that years before Mike died... but he was a "just enjoy today" and more passive sort of personality than me. And that made us a good combination together... for awhile. I'm not happy sitting still or doing "nothing" but feeding my senses all the times.
I want to explore, have adventures, new experiences, challenge myself, revisit some old ones and be able to come home to my own cozy little hobbit-hole at the end of the day. Besides, I'm tired of moving that easel all over God's creation like it was some kind of talismen looking for exactly the right place "to be". LOL.
But the process of moving... despite how much I'm unloading from the total weight/space of possessions... is like ripping one hair at a time off one's body. And just as exhausting. My hands hurt from paper cuts, making boxes. The movers are going to cost beaucoup bucks... and I've depleted my "just in case" cushion of liquid funds just to possess the farm, free & clear. Taking a big risk - a calculated one - that I will be able to sell the beach house in a decent amount of time and be out from under that last bit debt; the mortgage.
And that's stuff that I consider worth worrying about, instead of whether other people understand & approve of me and my plentiful "observations" or opinions... and whether I conform to their standard of behavior and outward persona. I'm just a walking example of "you can't judge a book by it's cover".... people have a lot of ideas of what I'm like based on my looks, but the real me tends to be 180 degrees from that. LOL. That's a whole lot of fine-tuning to project an "acceptable" persona for the snooty- from the barefoot, totally honest&direct, hillbilly wild child that lives under the long-cultivated "look" that lets me pass un-noticed (therefore out of the spotlight) throughout life.
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Okey-dokey. Hello, anxiety, my old friend.
The more I deconstruct my home; my nest of "stuff"... the more anxious I'm getting. In parallel, the emotional me is demanding that I just "stop doing" and take time to process. I don't want to, because I need to be able to predict a reasonable time goal, of when I want the movers to come load up. Push-pull, love and let go... oh, and more scary dentist stuff next week. Heavy drugs, 90 minutes of drilling a pin into my jaw and the 8 more weeks for it to heal up. My friend, who has practical nursing training will be with me and will drive me. LOL, she'll be on vacation up on the north beaches but is going to come visit and babysit me.
I feel guilty if I take a whole day off to let my body rest and let the feelings bubble up and hide from the world long enough to take care of "me". People helping me want decisions, answers, timetables. And I'm trying so hard not to be a bitch about explaining that I just can't do that -- there are parts of me on their own timetable, that have needs too and I know better than to just steamroll them out of the way. The emotional whiplash from stuff not taking a "time out" is way worse than losing a whole day to just rest. I want someone else to decide, I think. Is there such a thing as decision fatigue?
Change started a year ago. So I don't understand the fear stuff coming up - the worst has already happened, and I'm merely editing my life now to make it fit me better. But, hey. There it is. That, for some silly reason, scares me to death. I don't want to trust my rational self - that decided I can cut my expenses in more than HALF, because I don't need this extravagant party house. I know I make good decisions like this, but something is absolutely SURE I'm going from frying pan to fire. I just want to smack that, evict it from my neural pathways and tell it to take the horse it rode in on and NEVER COME BACK.
Maybe it's that I don't really know what I'm going to do with myself, when all is said and done. Adventures don't go according to plans, anyway - so I don't feel badly that I don't have a plan. It'll be more playful to make it up as I go along. I haven't even completely decided what furniture I'm taking and where it's all going yet. I don't have a feel at all, for how I want the place to change... to fit me and my living habits. (Which habits might ALSO be subject to change but there's no more room on the list to even THINK about that just yet.)
I guess I'd just better start flapping my wings before I bruise my tailbone again (like last week on the doorframe of the jeep). Falling is NEVER lethal; it's when you stop falling there are issues.
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I'm sorry struggles keep popping up, Amber, but I think we'll always have stuff cropping up. Maybe it's always going to blind side us if we don't learn how to stop it from getting inside our heads before we dismiss it or evaluate it properly... not sure. Still working on this one.
I have noticed that editing my brain, and what I allow in, has been very useful.
I'm curious if you're planning to market the party house empty or with furnishings. DO you have to decide NOW on every furniture piece? And, if so, can you take only those things you know you have room for AND BRING YOU JOY?
Less is more. Clear clean sunny spaces do more for my happy heart than things sitting around unused, IME.
Also, you might find a buyer who prefers a house full of furnishings.... if you're still resisting decisions making when it's time to go?
Maybe you need to start fresh, and choose new furnishings that speak to who you are now?
I'm not sure, but I'm sending you serenity, energy, and the knowledge that all will be well... even if it's not OK right now.
((((sKeP)))))
What would happen if you did let most everything go, and start over?
Lighter
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In a rush but this makes TOTAL SENSE to me, once I learned that moving (even for positive reasons) is #2 on shrinks' lists of Life's Greatest Stressors.
And the reason is exactly what you're going through. The psyche does not WANT to move. It wants what is familiar, already known, and therefore (to the psyche) safer.
It's not rational. It's that when you move, you have to be HYPER-FUNCTIONAL. That's literally the only way to purge/pack/decide decide decide and then actually go through the exhaustion of DOING it.
You have to suppress your psyche's desire to slowly say farewell, to undo its tendrils of familiarity one tentacle at a time (nice octopus metaphor, eh?) -- as how the hell else do you get it done? It's a huge undertaking and you've put out huge effort. Physical AND mental.
So you feeling drained, anxious and overwhelmed is... completely, entirely sane. The inner you is sane and it's objecting, that's all.
Moving is an externally insane process requiring way too much. You're enduring it and will survive it. But yup.
So...take that time. Don't worry about what other people think. Sell house AS IS, put a Free Everything sign on the sidewalk with everything you're sick of Making Decisions About...and let it happen.
You ARE okay, you WILL BE okay. This whole process sucks just as much as your psyche is screaming it does.
You are very sane to be so tuned into it. You will have wonderful rest, soon, in a new space you are going to love.
Hugs
Hops
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...undo its tendrils of familiarity one tentacle at a time (nice octopus metaphor, eh?)
Yep; I like this one quite a bit. The poet showing through... and so much behind it - unspoken; but understood. We have a poolhouse mascot. He's a purple inflatable octopus who goes by the name "Pepe". Pepe's been cloned recently (or maybe they're sycophants)... so there are 3 of them now, plus "Claude the Crab".
Pepe is sort of an aging, but still virile (but harmless) rake. He's full of mischief as well. He hitched a ride down here years ago with my D, after helping her tend bar... and well, like so many people and this place... he just stayed. Think aging Hugh Hefner type, except he's round and purple-striped with bug-eyes.
The 'Banks are very much like a Silk Road Caravanserai. Lots of Marco Polo's and soldiers of fortune (and opportunists) come through here; stay awhile; some settle. Artists and poets, musicians of all genres. The full time population tends to be higher educated and more broadly experienced than I've found anywhere else, except for the large cities. And very, very self-reliant.
I guess I'll need to pay a visit to the ocean soon, before I go. It's been awhile. Living where I do, I can completely hibernate away from that main attraction and the crowds of people who flock to it and the wrath of the storms that blow in. It's easy to forget it's there. Early in the morning, before service people are going to work, the breeze drops and the air is totally still and there isn't a sound of human activity anywhere and in the background, the softly breaking surf beats out it's pulse on an ever-changing beach, dropping it's gifts of shells, flotsam and even sometimes whales.
This place makes it's own music and art, all by itself.
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Just make sure you give Pepe away, too. You don't need him because you have his memory. And he'll make some little kid happy.
The mountains have their own oceans of joy and beauty you'll engage with deeply. Attaching one tentacle at a time.
You will always have your ocean, it will never be gone.
Love, simplicity, and know you are not your location, you're not lost
You are already found.
Hops
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Been busy; can see the light at the end of the tunnel!
And I finally committed to a date for the movers - 10/27-28 - and they allow a couple days leeway too. Guy will come look to see how much I have to try to estimate (more closely) the weight on Wednesday. But thanks to the storm, the thrift store postponed their pickup until the same day - so I'm going to have to be in 2 places at once that day. Making sure the thrift guys know what they're loading... and the moving guy knows what they won't.
I think my realtor is a little taken aback by how much "stuff" I'm letting go. I seriously can NOT WAIT until it's out of the house - LOL. I'm so mad at this storm throwing my schedule off too... LOL. But I really wasn't ready for last Wed's original pickup date (I'm still wrapping glass shelves & art work that I don't want) and I was POOPED.
The dental appt ramped up my anxiety to untold levels because the date/instructions were FUBAR'd from beginning to end. In the end, the placement of the anchor and the pain from it was nothing like what I had from the bone graft. I'll get stitches out next week - and then plan for months ahead for the last of the work to make a new tooth there.
I've finally started to get a full, good night's sleep again, but the energy levels still aren't up where I'd like yet. S'ok... I'll get there. Some of it is the early sunset; late sunrise - and it seems as though the October time change has been pushed into November, when I remember it used to happen before Halloween. It doesn't make a lot of sense to do that... but then the whole time change seems silly.
I've finally been able to let myself think about the new space a little. It's better if I know ahead of the move, where all the furniture is going to go, while I have movers to carry the stuff up/down steps. There is going to be a lot of stuff left in boxes for awhile, after I get there... while I assess the storage space and create what I need/want in different areas. Trying to decide where kitty food & box are going to "live" so that both of us are comfortable.
I think I'm at the point now, where the "lists" are irrelevant - I'm just "doing", "tossing" and "donating" as fast as I can.
Storm isn't going to bad for us - just wet; tomorrow might get a little windy - but I have most of the shutters down already because I just had the windows cleaned and I don't want the salty rain on them. I don't fear power outages like some people do. I've lived through so many of them, with only minor inconvenience that I never understand what all the fuss is about. And of course - I have a generator, batteries, and solar chargers. It's not a big deal to me.
The US has really lucked out with this storm; but poor Haiti! I saw news that said the US is sending the USS Mesa Verde to bring in relief and medical help.
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The weather guessers were WRONG. The storm was way worse than they said it was going to be for us.
Actually, a hurricane still when it got here. I found out that a tankless HW heater - even gas powered - doesn't make hot, if there's no power. I coped, but I wished I'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before!! LOL. Yes, I have a whole house generator but the HW wasn't prioritized on it's support circuits. THEN, I made brunch - bacon & eggs - and indulged myself in a movie (on the ipad - cell service was iffy for a bit but it stayed up) and finished wrapping/packing the stuff for the thrift store pickup that was postponed from LAST Wed to this coming Wed... because they needed to prepare for the storm.
So, I've had to condense my schedule a week. I don't know if that's going to work or not -- and since the movers are flexible on the actual load date -- I'm going to have to keep telling myself it's not the end of the world if I move in November, instead of October. The office hasn't really been touched (and I won't have an office per se at the new place) and the main garage needs a lot of work. Then, it's just finishing up in all the rooms.
Realtor is breathing down my neck to list - because Oct is normally a really good month. But I have a feeling the storm might give some people pause... so I don't think it's going to hurt to let that fade a little from memory. My wall ovens still aren't fixed - waiting on parts (do NOT buy exotic appliances) - and they're sitting on floor jacks in front the cabinets still.
Right now, I can't remember what my LISTS were for - LOL. I'm too busy doing what's right in front of me. Except for the storm... where I obsessed over information - and whether it matched what my own weather sense was telling me. (It did NOT; and I took a lot of crap from people when I suggested the NHC & NWS might be wrong... HA.) People said I let my anxiety color my expectations and it wasn't going to happen. Right. I'm not the one with 3 trees on my house.
But, "I told ya so" isn't going to come out of my mouth. It was a pretty bad storm; felt like the earth was screaming - the wind howled that high-pitched rending wail - and even today, the wind is STILL roaring some times.
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How scary, Amber!
So much to be grateful for, house still standing, and certainly everyone is going to need to push back schedules and regroup after this storm... not just you.
Breath...... keep moving, and don't forget to self care.
Lighter
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Whew.
I'm so glad you're okay Amber...and sorry you didn't have company for the storm.
Except brave kitty.
Having your house come through Matthew unscathed is a selling point, though!
Hugs,
Hops
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Thanks guys. I was so lucky in fact, that I didn't really appreciate how serious this is. Then I took a quick drive down to the mailboxes and dumpsters, to see if I could make use of them, to lighten my moving load. Maybe when the water goes down. The soundside neighborhood is a lake; the sound pushed all the way across the road on that side of the peninsula; and my road (which has better elevation) had water as far as I could see, starting about a block north.
Neighborhood across the creek has water where they haven't had it, since the Ash Wednesday storm in the early 60's; trees blocking the roads, on houses, etc. Beach Rd undermined just SOUTH of where they've fixed it 3-4 time since Sandy, at the KH beach house. Everything between the highways is still under water although they've begun pumping in several places. The Belk shopping center parking lot was under water up to car windows. I've never seen it flood there since we've been here.
Emergency operations council restricted access for a day or two, to traffic across the bridges. Had to be permanent resident and/or PERMITTED business owner/employee or utility worker. I think they'll start lifting that restriction pretty soon and gradually work up to allowing visitors again. Power is mostly back on; still some areas that are waiting.
They are still doing water rescues, inland, as the rivers & creek flow and flood downstream. So far, everyone else I know affected by the storm has checked in OK. The wind is finally slowing down here; so I'm splitting my time between working in the garage (packing) and cleaning up the drive and pool patio. Landscape crew chief called yesterday and said as soon as their employees can come across the bridge, they'll be here to clean up and mulch. I'm on top of a hill, relatively speaking, compared to a lot of other people who live here. There are higher spots just east of me; between me and the ocean.
I have a funny feeling that stuff like this is going to happen on a more frequent basis and that is one reason for me to head back to the hills... and not own any property here. I imagine I'll be back for vacations again - like we did before we bought this place - it's that nice and peaceful in the fall (except for storms-LOL) but I really want to be on higher ground.
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Quick update (because if I don't dawdle too much in the mornings, I seem to get more done)...
Another day, more work packing and tossing... and trying to decide if I need another week to be ready. Yes, I'm really tired and I need to find time to just slug for a day - but there isn't one in the schedule.
Yes, I'm "behind" - because the thrift store's truck broke down and trying to find a place to stack boxes (and keep making boxes) is getting harder & harder... and it feels like I'm losing this momentum because I don't have that space that this truckload of donations is taking up. Seeing empty space would really help propel me more hours of the day. And now, I'm second-guessing the whole project & my motivations... but hey! This place hasn't looked this good, since we moved in. LOL. Except for the piles of crap that is supposed to "leave".
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You are moving a mountain one teaspoon at a time, PR.
No wonder you're weary. I hope today goes well and some oasis
of a moment slips in anyhow.
Don't ask your exhausted brain to convince you the new move
is right, just now. It will have plenty to say but not objectively
and not necessarily in your best interests. When you're THIS
tired, your brain gets even with you, with unhelpful thoughtstreams.
I would imagine for six months or a year after you move,
you might feel like living very very very easily....or I know
I did. More's the truth, it took me considerable time to
recover and even four years later I still work at that.
Moving really is hell. Moving right after losing your spouse
is Dante's idea of a fun weekend.
You will be okay, hon. And it will feel so good when stuff
gets picked up and you can see the space as space. Rather
than upset, as my acceptance of my move grew (while I
was selling the family place) I actually began to enjoy
visualizing new people in it, enjoying it. I had started
to move on even before the truck was loaded.
It was hard, though. Moving is like being transplanted
when you're a 50-year-old tree, and sharp shovels are
banging into your roots, half your familiar dirt is gone,
there's a hurricane while you're shivering in burlap
beside the hole so you fall over, and you don't like the
look of the truck at all.
But there's a lovely spot waiting for you, on a mountainside.
And soon enough, you'll remember that this was where
your species first found its strength.
love
Hops
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Thanks Hops.
The logjam is finally starting to open up and move freely on the current again. I might give myself 1 more week to be ready -- and to REST -- before the day of the move, rather than try to compress it all and run myself into the ground to be ready by a week from now.
Now, the bills are rolling in. <choke!!> My yard looks BETTER than the day I moved in here, 2 weeks after a hurricane. And while my neighbors are still waiting for the lakes in their yards to recede. I keep my head down and wear a hat, so I can't be recognized. My problems are so minor compared to theirs. The pitchforks and torches will be out... and they'll stand in front of my place... hollaring "witch!!!"
Yesterday was a day of appts "out"... so my teeth have been cleaned, I've reviewed my investments, and I voted. From the looks of the lines, and the fact one of my acquaintances the poll worker, said that there were 50 people waiting to get in when she opened the door, there is going to be a historic voter turnout number from this election.
My main investment guy is originally from Canada, and still has a cottage he spends time at in the summers. He knows exactly what is attracting me back to snow-land right now and why the possibility that I'll only have dial-up speed internet is attractive. He's an intriguing guy, might as well get that out of the way. Very smart in the ways of the world and probably very married, too. OH WELL. The local investment guy is my friend - but he's my kids' age.
There were several impromptu conversations standing in line to vote. One thing I noticed is that NO ONE asked anyone else who they were voting for. I just love old-fashioned societies and communities. :D It used to be it wasn't any more polite to ask that question than to ask how much money you made. We didn't care if our queue mates were liberals or conservatives - they were neighbors. I so enjoyed the 2 hours I waited for my turn to push the buttons.
Makes me think that people got swindled by an empty promise of "world peace & understanding" when Facebook and other things encouraged people to turn themselves, their thoughts & feelings inside out and share it all with the world. In fact, if I'm perceiving things accurately, it would seem the masses believe there's something WRONG with people who are more private and don't share every single activity and thought and bodily function with the whole world. I guess this is how we got to the world of micro-aggressions, "safe spaces", and treating normal human experience as it all were trauma.
<shakes head> If they only knew what people here had been through and WHY those terms were necessary... but then, I'm not sure a lot of the people who feel compelled to plaster themselves all over the internet CAN feel embarassment or shame... <shakes head, mutters to self, and walks back to hermit's cave...>
As usual, my planning experience allowed an extra week for having to deal with unexpected things, before my real drop-dead-line, which is Nov. 8th. - and this year election day falls on my birthday again - and for whatever reason my intuition is telling me I HAVE TO, no excuses, be moved by that day. I still have to come back here. There are things the movers can't take - and I just don't think I'm going to be able to swing rounding up a couple of guys and renting a truck BEFORE we load up for the big move. I'm trying to be flexible and just accept things like this for what it is, and realize it's probably BETTER this way.
You are absolutely right about the 6 months after, Hops. All I want to do is watch the light in this new place, from sunup to sundown, say hi to the trees and the rocks, and start to absorb the energy of the place... while I keep monkeymind busy unpacking and arranging.
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Hi. Process is "going"... and SOME of my thrift store donation has been picked up; they have to come back Friday to get the big stuff. I seem to keep running into the old "why are things harder than they have to be?" problem... or whole systems are broken and not working well (like the dentist appt communication/appt fiasco)...
I don't think I have enough boxes; need some bigger ones again for bedding and some packing paper for the remaining glass kitchen stuff.
I'm starting earlier in the day - and completely going brain-dead and immobile right after dark - dark to dark and lots of energy expended in between. And for all this over-caffienated analysis... I really AM starting to focus on room by room - git R done - and move on.
Other parts of my life - like the business, people, etc - have gotten neglected while I'm doing this, but there just isn't enough of me to go around. Mike's sibs had some legal stuff they needed me to provide, and couldn't seem to explain it to me - I thought I SENT them what they asked for - so I called in the probate lawyer to "make that go away".
I still have change of address/post office stuff to take care of too.
Time to get dressed and go to work and stop drinking coffee.
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Another famous Amber "DUH" moment...
this morning I just realized that I have spent 3 months and will spend beaucoup bucks to move Mike's "stuff" that I'm keeping; CAN'T let go of it yet... or I see value in it...
and I have 2 days now, to pack "Amber's stuff" - important files, the sewing/art stuff that I've hauled around since 1988, my clothes, books, etc.
And I'm remembering how I was able to pack & leave hubs #2 in exactly 2 days... and it was about that same amount of "stuff" that I actually claimed as "mine". That was all there was and all I needed... and there really wasn't anything "more" to me.
Butter my buns and call me a biscuit... no WONDER I feel competing amounts of pressure from inside and out. Friday is load the truck day... Saturday is drive... and Monday will be unload day, unless the guys work on Sunday.
Remind me again how much I detest and am disrupted and completely thrown off balance by all Michael's "stuff".... I feel like such a dumbass.
Just had to mark this here so I don't lose it... no guarantee I have a cell signal at the new place and to organize getting communication services at the new place... wasted 45 minutes of Monday as I tried to overcome customer service's illiteracy... and belief that the computer is the master of all knowledge - look no further.
Apparently I'm going to an address that simply doesn't exist -- because it's not in her computer:
mispelled (I spelled it 3 times for her, so it was also mistyped most likely)
old rural route address written in the wrong order
and don't you know she'll snail me a form at the address I won't be living at???? and couldn't comprehend that I need it send to the address that - according to the computer - doesn't exist.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaa I am so tired I've decided I'm not going to do ANYTHING the first week there; just sit and stare at the boxes and look out the windows and walk around (if I have something bright orange to wear; it's hunting season).
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Well..... I;'m sorry you packed and moved so much of Mike's stuff. I so wanted your new space to have clear clean uncluttered space filled only with items that bring you joy......
at least for a while.
At least in the first months..... while you unfold yourself, and learn to breath on your own without it.
Just BEING in your space. Sitting and doing nothing at first sounds like a solid plan to me.
::nodding::
Safe travels.... what a wonderful time to be in the WV mountains! I've enjoyed the change of color so much.
Lighter
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How long's it been since the last update? The interim has been a total BLUR and whirlwind and I now know what is beyond tired. Even Holly said, "You're being kind of a jerk"... and I had to explain to her that I was so completely totally drained of any more energy on any level - I couldn't even make decisions - and yet, the movers expected me to know where everything should go and what was in the box and I was at the point where I'd look at something and wonder what THAT was.
I guess that's why after a battle, soldiers have that empty, 1000-yard stare. I "needed" - not just thought I needed, really needed - physical rest & sustenance & a hug & someone who understood that there was a huge emotional cost involved in simply making a decision to something in a box or NOT.
The cat... oh, the cat sagas. At the beach house, I could contain her in the laundry room so the movers could keep the doors open all the time. BUT, that meant I had to catch her before they got there. That didn't always happen. The final loading day, she had a couple hours free to roam the house before I smooshed her into a cage and wedged her into the space I designed in the jam-packed jeep.
She is a "potty kitty", so the master bath was her "safe space" here, too. Except I felt so sorry for her (and truth be known myself) I made the mistake of going in to visit with her a minute... and Holly & I chased her to a tiny dark, dirty corner under the steps downstairs. I finally wrapped a towel around her and got her put back.
And just now, I heard a tiny noise... and she was out here on the porch. I don't know how she opened the door... but the deck wraps all the way around... and she has been making laps. She hasn't found the steps yet. I got her to walk inside, but she ran back out before I could get the door open. Then, she looked in the door... and ran off again when I opened it. SIGH. It's cold and windy out here and I STILL cling to this cat like a security blanket, but I'm going to have to go in and hope she comes to her senses and wanders in through the slightly open door herself. She is NOT an outside cat.
I want to go down to the little cabin today and turn the heat on before it gets any colder. And I was going to leave in a hour or two so I can get back this afternoon to get a room somewhat ready for Holly & Matt this weekend. And the cat has other ideas... I will be beside myself if anything happens to her, but she's apparently got her own ideas about what she wants to do and where she wants to be right now. I thought she'd forgiven me the trauma of the move and maybe she has - but she wants to explore as much as I do.
Oh, what to do... LOL. Right now, I'm not chasing her - letting her explore the deck. It's too high for her to jump from and there is a cliff and koi pond out back that would NOT be good to fall into. But I'm not going to be able to get close to her until she's ready. There are things here that will EAT her, if she becomes an outdoor cat and I need my kitty... and of course, will blame myself too. Crap.
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OK, all is well. I came inside for a bit to warm up. Went back out to get her... and she came to me. Still hasn't been off the deck. I may have to negotiate this whole - I want to be an outside cat with her. It's close to freezing out there right now and she's not acclimated to that. Then there is the flea and tick issue in the summer.
Ugh. She's like a sneaky teenager.
:lol:
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Thank goodness your kitty came back, Amber.
I don't know how you'll resolve her safety, but I trust you'll figure it out soon.
::Sending Amber strength and energy:::
Lighter
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A cattery!
Google catteries!
SO glad you've made it, Amber.
Thousand-yard stare and all.
I will be thinking of you.
love
Hops
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Saturday, Holly & Matt helped me put things where they need to go and we emptied quite a few boxes too and put things away. It now feels a lot less like the aftermath of a tornado around here and I've rested and even gone exploring and visited my other "little" cabin -- the soul retreat -- to turn the heat on for the winter.
I've paid bills and started working through changing my address everywhere. Mail's getting forwarded, but there are still things that fall through the cracks - for instance, an insurance refund I wasn't expecting because I didn't receive the letter that was supposed to accompany it. Fortunately, I have a pretty good cell signal here and was able to contact my agent and get that figured out. Then, there are changes to insurance on the beach house now to deal with.
I can finally do some things that I've been looking forward to, "nest making" and the like and creating a new "home" that's all me... even with the associations to the time lived before. I went and talked to an old farmer yesterday that sells tractors. I'm going to want a reliable tractor. I need to call about getting some wood, because the furnace for the separate garage/studio is a dual-fuel jobbie - it burns wood and when the fire gets low the "back up" propane burner lights to maintain the temp until you reload the fire box. My axe needs sharpening too. Oh, and I have a wood stove on the 1st floor too.
It's pretty comfortable in here, except when the wind blows. The west wall overlooking the old, weathered limestone/granite rocked gorge is full of windows, naturally. Even though they're modern, double paned and well-caulked... the glass transfers heat, as I well know from the beach. An easy solution would be storm shutters but the installation would be difficult and custom. I'm thinking of making roman-shade style, fitted window quilts that could be raised like a sail on a boat... for the almost gothic windows in the gable. And I need to go sweater shopping. :D
My handmade red oak kitchen cupboard looks like it was made for the space it's now in. It's a holdover from hubby #2 and the 90 acres south of here; a Christmas present one year. It was made locally. Over all, the "flavor" here is more "modern cabin", than rustic... even with the wide pine boards on the walls and open beams... and industrial metal touches. It's not so large that I feel my house is actually two different spaces... and yet everything fits (so far).
And I do have two spaces - the studio; the garage under it which is all of Mikey's garage stuff that I have yet to sort and make many decisions about. I'm going to sacrifice a bedroom (still have two guest rooms) for an office space downstairs. And there may be pieces of furniture that I slated for the studio that return to the house or just "go away". And I already need another building or two - LOL. The jeeps are too tall to get through the garage doors; and the garden shed needs to double as gasoline storage, which I don't want in the garage under the studio.
It's VERY DARK and QUIET here. I keep a radio going in whatever space I'm working in, since I still haven't cared to call the tv providers back. I have too much to do (that I'm ENJOYING doing) and I "think" I can hook up the dvd player if I need a movie day pretty soon to just cuddle on the couch with cat. I'm letting go some of the lifestyle choices/habits that were a concession to Mike's preferences... and reclaiming my own ideas about that.
I have not seen much wildlife yet; thought I heard coyotes the other night - but I don't know for sure. Matt said he saw a fox around the pond where the old chicken coops are. But my little nuthatch that's been my buddy in Winchester, at the beach... has come to say hi here, too. They fly right up to me and light and chirp and look at me.
This place is going to be project central for quite some time. || Especially as Cat has found all the little unfinished cubby holes she fits into - including one behind the chimney that puts her in the insulation in the ceiling. SIGH. I need to get my trim saws organized, I see. LOL. I have a 3 ft wide platform over the front door with it's own windows that will be a warm sunny spot. Right now there's no way for her to get to it, but I intend to help her out with a bridge. She can command the view all around - inside and out - to her heart's content and be where she's out of the way at the same time.
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You energy really shifted, Amber.
You seem to know things are falling into place, or will eventually.
Knowing is better than worrying... ::nodding::
You're feeling free to let go..... things and habits that were Mikes, but no longer serve..... and it's OK. No tension or fear or sadness and longing. Just observing and releasing. Spreading out..... taking stock of choices. Trying them on, instead of repeating patterns.
The house is there for you.... waiting for you and kitty to make of it what you will, and it sounds lovely.
I enjoy the architectural details you share..... the human spaces, the storage/work spaces, kitty's hidy holes, and future basking platform up high. Why didn't I know you can wield trim saws, and cut wood? Less dependent on others is better mental health, IME.
AND you sew?
Hear hear to being fully engaged, present, and..... content.
Well done, Amber.
Lighter
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Maybe not "dependent" on others so much, as I am seeking out and connecting with people here. There are lots of communities spread out and tucked away in these hollars. Everyone has their "specialty"... one guy will cut & sell wood; there are the shop keepers; gardeners/farm markets; one farm will have you-pick berries or fruit, and another raises lambs for meat -- or alpacas for wool.
Bought myself a house present this week. Kitchen counter space is at a premium, even though I planned well, and only have my giant coffeemaker, a toaster, microwave and spice/knife rack to accommodate - oh, and dish drainer. Like a zen monk, I only have about 10 dishes, pots/pans, silverware that I need to feed myself day in/day out -- never make enough dirty to use the dishwasher. Anyway, I went looking for a mobile island with butcher block on top that would fit in my space and leave room to open oven/dishwasher and move around... thank you Amazon... LOL...
I found one with a drop leaf that will let a 2nd person help in the kitchen and not be in the way of the other person.
Going to need more bookshelves and I did look online. Nothing striking my fancy except the kind of thing I have no room for in the house; maybe the studio -- but I haven't started out there yet. That's where the workshop will come in handy. I can design/build what I want. I may have to hire a football team to MOVE it, mind you... and the books are everywhere right now.
I still have a stack of kitchen stuff to unpack and try to squeeze into cabinets somewhere. I guess I really do need a wall rack, to hang my favorite skillets... or take some of this to the other cabin. And the bathroom stuff... sigh... I keep a well equipped first aid closet (being 20-30 min from the nearest rescue squad) and right now don't have a clue where those boxes are going to end up going. I use waterproof sealed totes, to keep things portable and I may have to break things down smaller -- and put some out in the other building, too.
But all this thought process -- and physically carrying it out -- wore me out again. I was going to go to town yesterday, but by 10 am when the wood had been delivered & paid for, I just didn't have the energy to get up & go... then it was lunchtime, and after I wanted a nap... but I cleaned out another space to empty another box and made a nice roast & veggies to make the house smell homey & cozy instead. Except for running to the cabin last week and a quick trip to the nearest farm/home store this week - I haven't been anywhere except here.
So yes, that helps settle me down, clears out the cobwebs, know what really NEEDS to come next, and the list is just for parts & materials... LOL.
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So, today is the anniversary of Mike's passing. I've actually been kinda looking forward to it - as a way to mark this transition in our - and now, my - life... and to start moving from mourning/grief being the emotional underpinning of "me", to starting to explore and discover what's "next". The external stuff - change of scenery, location, etc - DOES help and provides energy to let go and move on, emotionally too... without any overhang of guilt, disloyalty or abandonment included.
So, I'm grateful for the time & experiences I had together with Mike and his family. He was a blessing of unconditional love & kindness in a magnitude that still echoes through the present. He showed me more of me, than I knew existed.
The new house is far from "perfect". I'm discovering a LOT of projects - small & large - that are needed to shore up and tighten up this box of bolted beams perched on the cliff. The wood trim around the kitchen sink was left raw wood - no sealer - for instance. Some baseboards are missing - and there's no insulation there. The mechanics that open/close/lock one window is broken. The floor under the kitchen/dining room - and over the garage under - needs to be insulated!! There is currently nothing there.
Last weekend, we had a windy few days and it spit snow. I SHOULD have walked down to the other building and fed the fire in the furnace -- but it's VERY dark here with no "all night" lights and no way to turn on lights where you're walking TO. So, I let the propane take over and maintain the min. temp out there. It's pretty cozy. I did explore the attic space over the studio -- and BONUS -- it's very tall and floored in plywood under the peak!! Even has a light. I have the germs of an idea for what to do with it... but no plans yet.
Holly commented that my furniture still leaves plenty of room to move around in this space, but the space itself is more cozy than the other house. It's definitely not as many steps from one end to the other! But way more steps up & down. The studio is going to continue the "poolhouse" space - our therapy, letting go, and moving on "safe space"... and also evolve into a real work space.
Taking it all in measured strides, really. The space also needs to adjust to having someone here year round, doing the little things needed to care for it instead of just being a "summer" cabin. The former owners certainly did have an eye toward that - about the half the major expenses have already been installed to make this place very comfortable and self-sufficient. A big expense I'm going to have next summer, is upgrading the railings of all the decks - two floors, all the way around - BOTH buildings.
As in all new spaces, not all one's furniture solutions work in the new configuration. So there will be more shopping - which is FUN. I'm not really insisting on keeping "everything" I owned at the other house to fill up the space (nature really does abhor a vacumn I guess) - but even after a ruthless purge, I've got a box full of kitchen gadgets (and hopefully my rolling pins) to try to figure out what to move/rearrange to make some space for. (And I don't have to get rid of it - I have a whole 'nother kitchen in the studio; keep forgetting that.)
Last couple days, I've focused on my bathroom and bedroom. I had the movers put the bed on the only chunk of wall wide enough for it. I want to hang a quilt Holly made for Mike & I there. But I was sleeping looking out the door right to my oak cabinet in the dining room... and it felt "odd". I guess the Feng Shui was wrong. So I moved the bed in front of the door to the deck - it's one of the few with a decently heavy curtain on it - electric fireplace to the side with the door - and now I look straight on to the bathroom window. It's definitely BETTER. I unpacked Mikey's pictures and the clothes that I'm still hanging on to (some of his things fit me OK for working in). I discovered I have a 5 ft wall behind the closet door that's deep enough for some more storage and am now imagining what might go there - for books, my little box collection, mementos, and more storage for clothes, boots, etc.
It's almost getting PRETTY in there; I found some of my favorite pictures, too. The kitchen/dining room floor really needs scrubbed... and it might get a "lick & a promise" today. It's warming up outside and I REALLY need to go organize that garage a lot better, with all the recreational stuff (kayaks & fishing) and the big/little tools. My jeeps are too tall to go through the doors (the rednecks have started to offer me prices for the one...) and I'll need some other type of building to store them out of the weather. Gardening tools could go in another outbuilding, too.
My "chaperone" (the guy the former owners relied on for caretaking) has been here all week with his hunting buddies. They asked and commandeered the little 8x10 shed out by the garden space to use for sleeping while staking out their deer blinds. It cost 'em though. They had to clean out & dump all the junk left in it... then the first night, I kept hearing hammering going on: they built bunk beds! LOL. Have a generator, a heater, and we ran extension cords out too. It's been really nice to have someone around the place while I'm getting used to it at nights. They are quiet, clean up after themselves, and we don't even interact that much. I hardly know they're here - except for the 4 wheelers and rifle shots off in the hills. And I got a fresh roast out of the deal, already. As in, shot that morning.
I also have phone numbers of the guys, if I need some real "man" power to get things done or for any reason. Ronnie will bring his wife over after the "state holiday"; WV takes hunting season very seriously. Not a lot of business getting done right now; everyone's out in the woods. Ronnie and I are gonna have to work on some boundaries... a lot of these guys make a living out of "doing favors" for people and then have expectations... but I don't think that's going to be a problem. My head is starting to clear... priorities getting crossed off the list... and I'm starting to know where things are again.
But all in all, this first month is going pretty smoothly. So far.
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What a magical mountain place and amazing descriptions, PR...
thanks so much for making it so vivid.
I love every detail, imagining your new home.
And I'm awed.
Mental housewarming hopes for you...I hope you LOVE it.
love,
Hops
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Well, given that Thanksgiving was the 1 yr anniversary of saying goodbye to the one man I wanted around all the time... and I jealously guard every single one of those memories & feelings & simple longing for what I can't have... combined with gratitude for what we DID have...
combined with the inescapable reality that I need one more person, set of hands, etc to move X from spot A to spot B... and having a cold, which I haven't had in a good long while... I just cocooned into feeling good & sorry for myself for a few days. Screw it. Might as well get it out of my system, while I had no pressing matters to attend to or work that absolutely had to be done right that moment. Get it over with; let it pass in it's OWN time; and stop pressuring myself to be what I'm not really up to, in that moment.
Nothing bad happened.
Now, I'm kinda at sea with all the choices, decisions, directions, to-dos, and just STUFF in my head. Trying to organize, prioritize, match my energy with some task on the list (yesterday was tech day; still have a few more things to do there) and make some more progress. For awhile, I'm going to be dealing with vehicles; nothing major - just inspections to get "legal" in WV. How DARE things in that process change in 20 years without sending me the memo! LOL.
And meanwhile, all the normal life "business" is going on... and I don't have anyone to delegate things to. If something doesn't get done on a certain day, the only person I can get mad at is myself. LOL.
This "being alone" thing is now shifting into another level of awareness, I guess. But instead of just eating "something" to say I did, I'm starting to cook again. Now, if I can just adjust the AMOUNTS back to what is sane for one person to eat - and freeze for later - LOL. There is a whole new world of experience in cooking for myself - nourishing myself - and the feelings that result from that. It's a simple thing; but comforting and cozy and fun and a positive step forward.
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So ...
pretty soon the perfect local lumberjack with a heart like a virgin piece of timber will turn up on your doorstep...
Alone is just now. Remember.
Gotta dash but wanted to send you a HUG.
love,
Hops
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Actually, my rushed lumberjack-for-you fantasy MEANT to indicate he'd have a strong, loyal, sweet heart...NOT a wooden one.
:oops:
(And she thinks she's a poet.)
Hops
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LOL... I think I'm chasing kilts Hops. But you know highlanders - women aren't a top priority for them - compared to proving their manhood, here there & everywhere. LOL... stereotypes can at least be FUNNY sometimes, right?
It's important there's some "buckle" in their "swash"... or how else would we be able to overpower their sense of loyalty, duty, and uncommon common sense... long enough to get their attention??!
Seriously, the most attractive male characteristic for me right now is simple kindness. To all and sundry. And I'm finding a lot of that runs through the people in my new locale. So I'm just going about my business; minding my own business; and staying obsessively focussed on the getting things completed and crossed off the to-do list in the RIGHT order. For now.
Oh, this week's accomplishments include making my jeeps legal and getting a real wifi network hooked up that might let me stream some tv, too. I enjoy NOT having it right now... it's a mermaid-siren-temptress to waste time, allow myself to become suggestible/brainwashable... and I'm absolutely loving the SILENCE without it. I'm even turning the radios off more. There is only so many times a week I can listen to Free Bird again...
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Amber:
Line up those second pair of hands, and cook things that make you feel like home.
Kilts tend to appear when you least expect them, IME.
Lighter
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So, it's ALL DONE. All that "stuff" is now ALL HERE. Somewhere.
Things and people finally came together last weekend for me to get back to the beach with a friend and return here with it all. A small group of friends loaded MOST of the truck at the beach the day BEFORE - and the ex son in law, the little grands & one of his friends came to unload and drop the truck off at the rental place. This is fortuitous, because it appears the weather in the mountains is just about to change. That was the LAST window of opportunity and when the offer came to pick up the truck and load before we got there... I finally let go of "organizing" and said yes, thank you.
It's all costing me more money than I'm comfortable with right now. But so be it. Sometimes the "easy way" costs more. The beach house has had more showings than I expected for this time of year, so I remain hopeful. Now that it's totally empty, I've suggested to the realtor we have it cleaned inside. Make it "shiny".
So, I can finally let myself feel just how tired I am. LOL. I am sleeping really well here - even though yesterday we discovered there was a bat in the globe of the living room pendant light. The glass & inner candelabra bulbs were too shiny & smooth for it to get out on it's own... and I could tell it was getting weaker... so apparently an upside down bell jar shape makes a really good bat trap. I like bats and would've tried to relocate him... but it's too high in the air for me (or anyone sane). I just don't like anything flying around in the house. There was the parakeet many years ago.... that I threatened with the toaster oven...
I got through the Thanksgiving "anniversary" with many tears, a realization that I still have the urge to be paired up with "someone"... thinking it's time I stop trying to hang on to who "Mike" was and even so, I am pretty busy still working on just becoming my "self" whatever wacked out things that might turn out to be. LOL. I have surrounded myself with men "friends" - online and in my vicinity. It's sorta like grandkids... I can enjoy them while they're around and then send them home, so I don't have to deal with the inevitable "problems". LOL.
But there is one online friend who's been pretty special. He's the retired doc who I leaned on really heavily during the time I was trying my best to care for and help Mike get well again. And then later, when all Mike's docs were doing that "denial dance"... and it was only my friend who validated was I was accepting. (He's half a country away... so very little chance of anything "developing"). He coined the phrase "liberation of soul"... to cover the transition I've been in this past year. It has a really nice ring to it, don't ya think?
He's being very firmly supportive that while I may need the physical aspects of a man (or several) around from time to time... that I have a fabulous opportunity to learn my own capabilities and limitations and finally figure out what I WANT, LIKE, and how I want to live and be. Even though some of the things my new location requires are pretty physical and may involve heavy earth-moving equipment... and relocating some boulders. LOL.
So, I've got a couple weeks to take care of "Christmas"... which I'm kinda looking forward to... and then I'm going to change my address on all my seed catalogs and watch the snow come down and eat hearty soups/stews... and read... and daydream... and explore my new (historical) location and just SETTLE IN.
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Hi sKep:
I'm sorry the Thanksgiving anniversary was sad. At some point maybe we've invested enough energy, longing and pain into the mourning jar, it's OK to crawl out. Sometimes we don't, but that's how it always feels to me. No escaping the sadness, so sink in, have it, try not to resist, bc it just adds more time, IME.
Congrats on completing your move. The idea of homey bowls of soup with peanut butter bread popped into my head. Yum, and it sounds like you're in a good place. YES.
My heart is sitting on the edge of my rib cage still hoping/wishing your little bat made it.
I know he didn't, but I really like bats.
And owls.
I know it's cold where you are now. When the cold snap hit here I was down with a stomach virus, and didn't get under the house to turn off water valve to the outdoor shower. Of course the pipes have burst, so make sure you figure out where all your shut offs are, and get to them pronto.
Lighter
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((((((((((Amber))))))))))--
I'm so sorry for the wave of grief.
You're one of those I give thanks for, and you will
soon have more in your orbit who feel the same.
love,
Hops
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You got me pegged Lighter! Several pots of chili, bean soup (I found a very yummy spicing online, with worchestershire, mustard, etc) and peanut butter bread. This week I think it's going to be beef stew, but I have rolls to go with that. It's so nice to be nice to myself... and cook what I like - that is really easy to heat up on those days I'm working hard. (or slacking off!!)
I figured the "one year anniversary" of his passing needed to be "reserved" for whatever came up on that date. Whether it was just a "formality" or more than that... it needed it's own space. "Sad" is ok; I can do sad now without fighting it much at all. And I don't try to force it into an awkward little space that compresses the energy until a point of fission happens either. There are "sad moments" now; not sad days. I still get the impression from other people, that my way of dealing with all this -- retreating into my own little world -- just isn't "good". That I'm being held to a standard of social interaction that just isn't NATURAL for me. But, I'm still resisting their attempts to fit me into that mold.
All in good time, I'll start branching out into both old & new things around me. I've just lived through the most exhausting year in a long time. The rest of the winter is for me to play Rip Van Winkle... go at things at my own pace... and finally tackle this rediculous reflex that it's "bad" to spend money for what I want -- insulation for the kitchen/dining room floors over the garage; a gorgeous storage cabinet; or curtains... or a new winter coat that I can work outside in. I started tractor shopping then got distracted by something... LOOK A SQUIRREL... LOL.
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((Hops))..... I give thanks for you and everyone on this board.
::whispering::
You're one of those people too.
Amber.... tractor shopping? Tractor? What on earth will you do with a tractor? Are you going to till, and farm? Grade a long gravel driveway every month? Dig post holes for miles? Don't get me wrong, I love love love the idea of you having your own large equipment, I just don't know what you're going to use it for yet!
About the soup...... it's such a great one bowl, heat it up quick meal, not to mention it has everything I want...... protein, veggies AND comfort. I'm down to two 2 serving bags of frozen Jambalaya at the moment, and need to stock the freezer back. It's so much better than buying canned, IME.
The remains of a baked chicken are simmering with onions, garlic and mushrooms at the moment. We're going to make a gf mushroom ravioli soup for dinner.... flavored with rosemary. Mmmmm... very light on the rosemary please. Earthfare has a very nice selection of gf fresh pastas. I have a new batch of peanut butter in the house.... we were out for a while.
Chili sounds good, but it's time to clean out what's in the fridge and use it up before holiday travel. Chili will have to wait till we return.
About what other people think you should or shouldn't be doing..... it doesn't really matter, IMO. What matters is just what you're doing..... taking care of yourself in the way you need to.
Let me know what coat you decide on and what cabinet and how the insulation goes.
Lighter
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So... it's clear that it's a VERY good thing that I've learned to laugh at myself. Maybe I don't do it ENOUGH, but I do know how to do it.
I found a piece at Plow & Hearth, handmade in Georgia that will EXACTLY fit in the space between the fireplace and the window wall - covering that door that faces north and is all glass. There are just enough inches to spare along the sides to wiggle in/out of position and it's JUST as tall as the tray that directs flood light up the ceiling. Cupboards on the bottom with adjustable shelves and adjustable open shelving on top. Probably want the Chestnut stain; to contrast with the oyster shell tile on the fireplace (all the way up) and the yellow pine walls. Black tv, sits on low white cabinet just in front.
This unit is exactly the same width as the one I had at the beach and DONATED. GO FIGURE. I didn't think I had a wall big enough for it (and had no measurements when I had to decide: bring/let go).
It costs 4 grand. I have a bookmark on that webpage...
while I run through my mental list of priorities and collect estimates on what they are going to cost. Like insulation. Turning half my garage under the house into storage pantry. Finding bases for the top from the old pool table so I can lay fabric for curtains...
buying expedition weight long johns to work outside in this artic blast...
buying and stacking enough wood to see me through at least 2 heating seasons...
a greenhouse...
another garage/work building...
and the blessed tractor for tilling, postholes, digging footers for concrete slabs, and plowing my driveway and the road to the highway...
Santa has had a nervous breakdown with my list this year. At least I don't have a Haflinger pony on the list. Yet. This year.
The kitchen island I ordered with the drop leaf booz block on top arrived Friday. Some assembly was required. The top weighs almost 100 lbs and assembly happens upside down. Boxes & cookbooks propped up the two shelves, so I could bolt them to the legs. I wasn't walking down the ice-covered hill to the garage for the sockets they said I needed; so I used an adjustable crescent wrench instead. Everything tight; I had to flip it over onto it's feet, all by my weakling lonesome. Without scratching the red paint on the base or dinging the butcher block. I did it, end to end, with a combination of Archimedes' principles, and tai chi moves. The hardest part was mustering up the patience to take my time with the crescent wrench and the bolts. LOTS of breathing through that.
It fits perfectly in the space. Doesn't add too much extra storage space with the open shelves (I probably still have too much stuff; realized this - but paring that down will have to wait for another time. I'm DONE with that crap for a little while.) But I have a nice sized 3x4 ft work top that the only thing that will sit on it, is my knife block.
Went to the medium sized local town, and found a bookcase for the cookbooks that fits exactly in the space I had for it... so all those books fit, with some room for "extras" chust fer pretty... and allowed me to clean up some stuff I have to have out that was on the floor - until I get my office set up.
Downstairs, the media shelves are in place and boxes of dvds & cds are getting emptied onto them. While I'm down there, I'm thinking about that space too. There's another north-facing door that isn't needed (since 10 ft away there's another door, opposite). And very deep - like 10 inches - window sills on the west wall. I think that's going to be my seed starting area. I have a small euro-style sink, stove top, fridge cabinet right there. (It's kinda cute; I should get a pic and post it.) It's old, but I think it'll clean up ok.
Whoever designed this house was "door happy". It's bad enough they didn't insulate the baseboards, the floor under the kitchen/garage, OR around the windows - there's enough of a breeze to stir the blinds in the wind - but they had to have a door in almost every room, all 4 cardinal directions. That's A) a lot of glass and B) a lot of weatherstripping. And C) a lot of work to edit it out, but edit I SHALL. This would be an excess of glass even at the beach. Up here in the mountains with wind chills and ice and snow... it's insane.
Assuming the beach house sells this spring, this place is going to be project central. Otherwise, I have to budget and prioritize (and work around the weather) the projects.
OH - and the tractor may become a backhoe with a front-end loader or a bulldozer, Lighter. When working in this new medium (earth-scaping) I need the correct tools. LOL. I don't know how serious I am about that yet. The old problem of "biting off more than you can chew" is certainly raising it's head around here. But it has such POTENTIAL - LOL.
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Well.... you got the island together and up on your own. Good job. I have to say I might have distressed it, and put a coat of dark wax over it rather than guard it from the first scratch. I love weathered things.
::nodding::
About that large piece of furniture you bookmarked.... I have one to the right of my two story stone fireplace that's about 5' w by 10' h..... and it's very old. Distressed ivory paint on the exterior with the bead board interior painted a lovely green. I adored it just the way it was, and it fit with a few inches to spare.... meant to be. The deep crown just meets the trim under the old metal fencing I salvaged for the loft. Old things everywhere I look actually.
I love red paint too.... please do post pics of the basement, the kitchen, LR etc. I'd love to see them. If you end up working with seedlings remember to put a fan on them so they grow thick and strong. My first effort ended up with very tall think seedlings that didn't do very well. You can also brush your hand over them several times a day. The greenhouse would be a dream.... I'm jealous; )
Actual envy sets in over heavy equipment to grade, and dig and move earth/snow.
::swooning::
It sounds like you're going to enjoy picking and choosing projects. I'll cross my fingers on the beach house sale...... are there many things for sale in that area?
Lighter
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One of the attractions of the beach (for me) was that it was a magnet for all kinds of people from all kinds of places - like the mythical caravanserai on the silk road; Marco Polo style. You just never knew if the people sitting next to you were musicians, writers, former spies/military, journalists or your average josh. So that makes for a transient population. Unfortunately, it seems that a lot of people go to the beach - even one advertised and well-guarded/maintained as a "family beach" - to drink. The bars close early, granted. But the east coast drug problems were brought to the island, as well, by people who came for vacation and just stayed. It's safer and more civilized than many urban areas around the country - but it's not immune, either.
There are literally two bridges, and then a system of ferries that connect the OBX to the mainland. Big trucks supplying Walmart turn around and go back... and if for some reason they can't get to the OBX, like the flooding on the mainland from Matthew... you'd better have some extra tp put back or you're doing without! I think that idea of being completely cut off started gnawing at my claustrophobia. It literally was like being at "world's end" a couple of times.
So, while I don't like being in the thick of crowds and frantic, constant activity... I don't want to be so far away from the edge of it either. Somewhere in the last 10 years, I've discovered I'm not invincible and immortal... so while I still prefer to live at the "end of the road" and where I can't really see my neighbors, I appreciate that they are there and I don't have to drive so far to see family & friends.
There are always PAGES of houses for sale, from Ocrocoke and Hatteras to the 4x4 (no road; drive on the beach) area just below the Va. state boundary. Pictures on other computer; be right back.
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OK... that didn't work. Plan B is going to have to wait till I get back from town.
Also troubleshooting a water issue (quality not quantity) and I don't know if that's going to impact tentative Christmas plans for a trip into the "big Charm City" or not.
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Oh dear.... sorry about the water. I'm assuming some kind of whole house water filter might be necessary? My father has one at his house.
Lighter
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Could someone please explain to me what the benefits of spending a large amount of my time with people that I may/may not find all that interesting might be? How is this "more healthy" than being able to abide my own self at length, at industry to better my place and my self?
Apparently my lack of interest in my fellow man/woman kind is causing concern in some progeny's mental gyrations about Mom. She of course, is quite socially oriented. And I am not. I do not go out of my way to avoid people, and do enjoy my encounters as they naturally arise. I'm even planning to attend a local meeting at a church, of people interested in the topic of emergency preparedness - primarily to meet my neighbors.
But I'm left with the distinct impression that she thinks I'm "weird" because I don't have a big group of friends and a packed social calendar. I don't feel weird. I don't seek the approval or comfort of any large group for the stuff I believe... because I believe each person has their own path to walk and what works for one, isn't necessarily correct for another.
I'm finding quiet & solitude empowering and healing. It brings the work I still have yet to do, right in front of me in stark relief & contrast. It's not a "handicap" or "escape" at all; rather it's forcing me to discipline myself into continuing to move forward, with determination and purpose.
I'm just not sure that would still be possible with the distraction of lots of other people interacting with me, so much more in the moments of my life.
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Hi Amber:
It's not "more healthy" of course.
It's what you'd do if you felt obligated to do whatever your dd thinks is best for you, even though you're very focused on discovering and doing that for yourself. Her need for social contact is not your need, obviously. Her concern is natural, but maybe not very productive?
Once she understands you're on track...... she'll relax, don't you think?
In the meantime, revel in your solitude, embrace the connections you cherish, and don't let anyone make you doubt your instincts. IMO you have terrific instincts.
Lighter
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"Worry about your isolation" from an adult child = "I love you."
Might not FEEL that way, especially if she communicates the concern in such a way that it triggers defensiveness. But I (regular Carolyn Hax reader) think that if you respond just to the love (and not to any implied criticism or labeling), she'll calm down. Or even if she doesn't, her anxiety about you living (MOM! ON A MOUNTAIN! BY HERSELF! BEARS BEARS!) where you do...belongs to her.
Maybe: "I know you love me and thanks for that. I'm enjoying my new setup and if that changes, you'll be the first to know." Plus, "I just got here, you know. I'm meeting folks at a pace that works for me. Thanks for caring."
If you sense that her concern for you may morph into intrusiveness, maybe calmly set a better boundary, where you don't tell her in lengthy detail about all your people or activities (or lack thereof). Likewise, whatever has potential for drama in her imagination (such as tractor driving, trees falling, bunch-a problems with the house, not feeling connected yet, BEARS BEARS)...I'd skip giving her any narratives that she might interpret as a litany of shortcomings in your situation. You might be exhilarated by all the tasks and goals, because you can do that. She might have a different way of interpreting it all.
I am unlikely to have the problem of an interested adult child when I am truly dotage-y but if I did receive too much commentary while I still felt quite competent, I'd want to reduce the flow of information from me to the child. Maybe as you meet more people you'll find yourself sharing less granular detail and progress narratives with the D. It can be triggering for an adult child when they hear mainly a narrative of projects and crises and decisions and to-dos....and are genuinely aware of your happy-cowboy tendency to tackle stuff alone.
There's no need to justify an introverted or artistic disposition--solitude's your right and style, and you get to create your own balance. But it's also just a fact that as we age, those who love us begin to feel a sense of concern that we are and will be safe. It's a gradual shift, and one day, in most but not all family situations, the child morphs into the protector. This may be especially jarring for you, as independent as you are, but it's a really natural thing. As long as your D isn't being abusive or greedy or significantly invasive, and if you can look at her remarks as not quite as personal as they feel--more like fairly routine next-generation species behavior---maybe it'll go better.)
In the present, you might just be "rehearsing out loud" as a way of focusing and prioritizing and processing your ToDos, including social connection ToDos. But she might be hearing Overwhelm or Scary and is feeling she ought to take more responsibility. Just try not to scare her with situation drama and focus on what's present, not what's absent....
She'll catch on, I hope. I bet once she's visiting you in springtime she'll fall in love with it. Hmmm...getting long-winded and over-opinionated again. Yup, I took the ADD Rx this morning. (Dang, I'm predictable.)
hugs
Hops
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Thanks for the boost Lighter. That cheered me up.
Hops, I love your perspective on this and specific messages for her. Yeah, I was feeling a lot of "lets enmesh" pressure and taking things too personally. This really IS a drawback of solitude; statements sound much greater in import than they are in reality.
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I irritate me. :shock:
Why is it, some days I have no problem whatsoever - making the phone calls I need to make, or sending emails, dealing with paperwork whatever...
and other days, some part of me throws a total sullen hissy fit about "taking care of business"?? Or even doing a little online window shopping or buying? I won't even indulge myself in looking at my favorite kinds of things and just daydreaming about it.
It's a real "thing" with me. And it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever - because I'm not a spontaneous kinda person in the first place and I have already decided the kinds of things I'd like to do, take care of, or that would make my life easier. Especially NOW, when there's no one around to object, imply that I'm silly (yeah, right... Ms. Serious Here) or second guess my decisions.
None of the things at issue are giant, important, things either. It's all stuff that cumulatively helps manifest me "claiming" this new place as my own... finishes up the business side of Mike's passing... or is even just the normal stuff of living in this day & age. Stuff we all gotta do.
It brings up huge resistance and I'll piddle & waste time until a whole day is gone and I haven't accomplished a blessed thing that I WANTED to. It's almost as if - I sometimes catch a glimpse of this - as if, I'm "waiting" till I'm in the "right frame of mind" or "mood" to do something... when it's the kind of thing that requires little effort, attention or research/thought. Stuff can done regardless of mental/emotional "state" - and done well.
So, I'm throwing this out there for anyone's best guess or an echo of the same kinda thing you might see in yourself... as I try to squash this particular "trait" of me flatter than a stinkbug.
OH... and I've been eating better than ever and getting LOTS of really good sleep. I don't have any major thing stressing me out, or weighing on my mind anymore. Definitely getting plenty of, and regular physical activity too. And I'm mentally engaged in thinking about, designing and planning around the new place. It's a happy time for me.
So what GIVES with me???????
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Huh.
I wonder...if the irrational resistance to or pointless sabotage of what's easy or "should be NBD," might be a way of unwittingly releasing a bit of some deeper resistance to other things that are too much to contend with on the surface right now? Or that aren't buried for any radioactive reason at all, but are nonetheless big topics/themes.
Maybe you're resting from all that. But in some way, that power of you still's gotta come out. So you won't order the dang bear-proof trash can. Hah hah. Take THAT...umm, who?
Guesses: Art. Men.
Too dopey to make much sense so do discard happily! (But remembering that my T used to ask me if part of my avoidance-paralysis was defiance. I always explained it as anxiety, which it was/is in largest part, but he would also wonder about defiance in addition. So I figure, somewhere, I'm still defying somebody, when I refuse to do the dull things a grownup's supposed to do. Especially when it's to the point of self-sabotage. I'm expressing something else, is all I'm getting at. Not sure what.) Yikers! See new thread.
xo
Hops
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We still need a raised eyebrow emoticon. It could express a lot of different kinds of things - not just skepticism. In this case... a contemplative "hmmmmmm".
The kinds of things I'm resisting doing (example): include cataloging item by item along with a professionally derived value of said item, for the CPA preparing Mike's estate tax return. About 2/3 of said collection has been turned over to a well-known auction company and I have already provided several different forms of their estimate of value, that the items will bring at auction. There is really no way to know for sure, until the item is actually sold. And of course, that value is "subjective" to time, place and buyer.
It's not a collection of "rare and unusual" pieces. Therefore, it makes little sense (to me) to catalog the value of EACH item. Now, I do understand it's the IRS we're talking about here. And that often, the individual one is working with, doesn't even know his own organizations codes and has to go look up the case law that has been cited (and included) with the return as justification for doing something a certain way. Already been down this road once, with my Dad's estate return. This doesn't jive with the assurance that all this return is for, is to acquire any un-used portion of Mike's estate allowance (before tax) to my eventual estate tax allowance.
Then, there's the memory of time/place when an item was purchased. The overall idea behind his collecting - which was investment; which I'm making impossible by selling so soon after acquisition. And just the blessed tediousness of spreadsheets, numbers, details... along with the feeling of:
the only reason this process (beyond thorough) is even necessary is because I can't be trusted to accurate or truthful. According to the IRS, that is.
And yeah, I suppose that DOES awaken a bit of defiance. And of course, I'm going to be held responsible for the fact that Mike never knew when enough was enough. So, a fearful concern as well.
Since 2008, I've been involved in so much MORE of this kind of thing because of my Dad's estate, the business, and Jean's death - and now Mike's - that I just want to roll down grassy hills in the sunshine. I'm tired of trying to codify human foibles into numbers and come up with "answers" to questions that don't even MATTER to anyone except bean counters and are all wrapped up in WHO that person was. I want to dump the whole box full of scribbled notes, misc receipts and other papers on someone's head and say HERE. YOU SORT IT OUT. You can't reduce a human being to a form.
Defiance might bleed into resentment, some, for me. LOL.
I am trying to simplify my life now. And all this high-level business/tax/financial stuff isn't NEARLY as much fun as wondering if morels will grow under the old mossy logs further down my hill this spring, or watching the ravens play... or even how the sunlight moves through these folded hills.
And that's just one thing.
It's the antithesis (I think) of wanting to add insulated blinds/curtains over all my glass here to help manage heat transfer... and add another layer of "finish" to the look & feel of my little space. And NOT wanting to look at, and actually order them. The "being bad for spending money on something I want" feeling is back. And because of the nature of this place -- I'm looking at buying a tractor or one of those utility vehicles that has attachments for different kinds of work. Now we're talking big bucks.
And I should be calling contractors about upgrading the decks to a basic safety code too. If I want to get on their "list" -- and I cringe to think what their estimate is going to be.
Maybe this is all "growing pains" of a sort -- as I go through this transition. The old stuff shows up, reminds me it's still here, and I get yet another shot at finding another way to deal with it; deal with my "self". OH... and because I've lived like this - homesteading - "in another life"... I think I'm trying to avoid falling into the habits/patterns from then that were more like a "trap" than the freedom of self-reliance. Lots of Ex#2 associated stuff.
One more piece of this puzzle, is how much my brain LIKES to be really "busy" - it's the ego-function of hamster-wheel self-importance I guess. But the bio-parts of my brain are just as tired as my back & muscles... Ego-brain discounts how much focus, drive, juggling and determination I put out over the last 6 months... and thinks I'm going to turn back the clock & become 40 yrs old again. I'm not; I'm 60... and I've EARNED a long winter's rest and "not caring" about whether I've unpacked the studio or running to fix, decide, and design everything all at one time. I've EARNED some time off to just enjoy the stream of ideas flashing through ego-brain without committing to any of them right now.
And the "guilt-i-fer" machine needs have it's plug pulled.
(See Lighter? That's the contents of my brain's closed loop racetrack. It's why yours struck me funny; I recognized it as something I do too. In my case, I know it's coming out here in one long blather... because of my solitude and feeling as though it's not fair for me to spew all this out at one time, for one person. Somewhere, some tiny voice is still whining about someone coming to "take care of me" too. At least here, people can read and just not respond until they have time to choose a response that they aren't put on the spot to deliver spontaneously. Mine has been building up in real haphazard fashion over the past couple months. I'm so sure someone can read this; immediately pick up my dysfunctional mind/emotion problem and point it out, too. I'm just too immersed in it to see it -- until I come back a long time later. Humans can be real funny creatures.)
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I don't think you sound dysfunctional at all.
Completely sound. (Except for the guilt part, and I understand why fear is tinging curtain-purchasing too...the IRS will come smack you. Not rational --the two areas don't really overlap--but makes sense, since rational isn't the only thing going thank god...)
I think one SHOULD feel sick of that estate tedium. I hyperventilate at the thought. Regardless of whether I COULD be taught to do all that competently, I would hate every second of it.
Wanting to roll in green grass, hunt mushrooms or celebrate your new sense of precious time? And deserved slower pace in your 60s? I think that's another normal and healthy, healthy thing.
Your ToDos are becoming WhyDos.
That's wonderful. Sanity.
hugs
Hops
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Amber:
I think you've been holding on to stuff longer than mere months, IMO.
I know I have.
Maybe the Mike stuff is a catalyst for finally dealing with things you haven't had a chance to process?
Blathering it out.... just letting it all come out.... is a necessary thing.... I think.
Nope.
I know.
It needs to come out, so keep blathering.
I brought up the chemical dump component on the resistance thread...... I do think that has some part in the equation, at least part of the time. A little jolt of crisis, a drop of adrenaline followed by frenzied productive activity.... is that familiar to you at all?
Lighter
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Yep, I do recognize that cycle Lighter. But the thing that is frustrating me, is why some days I can address the top items on the list, one after another at a decent pace... and put in a full day, while others I can't even make myself do the EASY stuff, that I like to do.
I'm gonna think on whether I'm "holding onto" some things (I take it you don't mean material "stuff") longer than is necessary to completely process it.
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Maybe some days you can't even do the easy stuff that you like to do, because you're overdoing doing and deep in, your inner self is stubbornly (and wisely) saying, No. Need inactivity right now. Need to hit Stop.
You realize what an intense and nearly nonstop crisis-loss-pack-repair-move-unpack-repair-reroot treadmill you've been on since Mike died?
Really intense. Even though you have such a strong drive TO DO, I am wondering if your mighty will has really over-ridden your psyche's need for NOT DOING and it's now expressing its need for rest/stillness/inactivity this way. (Hah. I'll sabotage her ToDo list even with the stuff she ordinarily likes, and get her all confused about Why, because she thinks she can Think her way to the answer.)
You got plenty of Why, imo. (Wanna hie yourself to a local Friends meeting or meditation group? If you're having trouble wrassling your mind to stillness breaks on your own, maybe a silent sit with others would help. Or not, different strokes....)
love
Hops
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I have "gathering momentum" energy. Futzing around doing the little projects that I know I can handle all by myself; that I don't have to ask anyone's opinion about - because I know it's a functional improvement and yes, it DOES look better too. Putting a coat or two of Polyurethane on the window sills, then caulking the air gaps between the boards & the wall -- saving that expensive heat. Painting the ceiling over the tub/shower in my bath bright white - to a) make it brighter in there and b) help moisture proof the wood. (I still feel a little bad about painting the exposed side of one beam - but it would've looked funny if I didn't.)
After all the suggestions and ideas I've gotten from other people - and the big projects that are going to require contractors that I just don't feel I can start yet because I'm still unpacking - these were the two projects that I cared enough about to pick up the supplies on my various town runs. There are some others like this - the kind of detail oriented, "some patience required" projects that give a solid base "canvas" to then decorate from.
I'm going to have to shift back to some paperwork this week. If I can get that all organized and OFF the list, then perhaps I can start moving into the next phase of making those alterations that either provide functionality, safety, or coziness. I did order the curtains for kitchen & dining room Hops. Oy - what things cost these days; or maybe it's just that my taste in these things has bumped up the price tier. Ordering insulating curtains to go over existing blinds and I still need to decide what kind of blinds/shutters I'm putting in the kitchen. Shutters are real easy to keep clean.
The catalogs have followed me here. I've been spending time looking, measuring, visually arranging puzzle pieces in my mind's eye. Now that I'm working in my bedroom/bath... I've noticed that the "new color" is a blush pink. Pink isn't a color I gravitate to... BUT it looks really soft & feminine (what? who, me??) with a warm gray and black accents.
The "flavor" of the house shifts too. Kitchen/dining is decidely "country cottage". But the main living room/entrance are industrial modern post & beam cabin... and my bedroom is going... somewhere. I think maybe French country -- which I've always loved, but since I had to consider a guy's comfort with that look -- I never indulged myself in.
I'm making garden plans, too. It would be so easy to bite off more than I can chew at any one time again, overwhelm myself and make myself miserable -- a feeling of not being free to go away from home to do other kinds of things -- so I'm going to focus on a kitchen bed near the house. The main garden area needs a LOT of work - soil improvement, fence, logistically laying it out to make it easy to work. That doesn't get done in one spring. While that's going on... I'm also looking at the 2 old chicken coops and wondering whether it's worth trying to move them closer or just start over or -- or maybe I don't want to be tied down taking care of critters at all.
Especially since I haven't spent any time at all out in the garage/studio. And I truly need to do that.
Yesterday was supposed to be 47 and rain. Well, it started out that way - then turned to a serious sleet storm, then 2 inches of wet snow that's sticking to all the trees. When I look outside I'm surrounded by white. And it's spitting snow again. A good day to see what I can accomplish with papers, empty cardboard boxes, etc.
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Yep, I do recognize that cycle Lighter. But the thing that is frustrating me, is why some days I can address the top items on the list, one after another at a decent pace... and put in a full day, while others I can't even make myself do the EASY stuff, that I like to do.
I'm gonna think on whether I'm "holding onto" some things (I take it you don't mean material "stuff") longer than is necessary to completely process it.
Amber:
I'm beginning to think it's got something to do with what's going in internally.... whether we realize it or not. What we have going on, what we're worrying about, IF we have any control over it, do we have hope we can make changes (sans FOG), to alter our PLACE in the situation..... or do we have some feeling, unconscious or no, that we're stuck in it..... not seeing alternatives and options.
About the decorating..... I like the light airy feel of French Country decorating. Esp when one manages clean and uncluttered aspects, which I struggle with.
When you wrote about the chicken coups...... my thought was.... move the coup in best repair closer to the house, and start with fewer chickens... you can always add more. Whatever you do, it's not something you can't change your mind about.
It might be good if you could locate a local motivated teen to help out, esp while you're traveling. Having someone meet the gas man, or check to see if the electricity is out, etc.... not to mention watering the garden and feeding chickens while you travel sounds like it could be a win win situation?
Lighter
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The place came with someone who was already used to doing those things, Lighter. LOL. In exchange for hunting privileges. Not that I have much land to hunt. But, the access into hundreds of acres runs through my place and I've let the guys use a small shed to camp overnight here.
I found the energy to disinfect the bathroom to my satisfaction yesterday. It wasn't as bad as it seemed to me. The folks looking at the beach house, narrowing their decision down to two places, chose the other one. Which is why I wasn't getting all excited and making plans on where to invest any profits in this place. I sure would've LIKED to have sold it, but I'm OK being patient too.
Friday, I stopped finally to look at and price garden sheds. The little one I let the hunters use might've been big enough for my hand tools & wagons - but nothing else. And I'm pretty sure now I'm buying one of those multi-purpose utility vehicles instead of a tractor. Stuff lasts longer when you can store it out of the weather. Today might be a planning/budget day. With spring around the corner, I need to make firm decisions about the big jobs and get those estimates in... and move down the priority list.
I'm pretty comfortable with this "rent-a-man" situation. You don't have to housebreak them and put up with their bad habits... and when you say you want something done, they get right on it for the paycheck. That goes back into my local economy, so I'm perfectly willing to pay someone to do what I'd best not attempt to do myself - for fear of hurting myself or having the job drag out 10x longer than it should. I'm easily entertained and understand enough about most jobs that I'm not one of those customers that drives them crazy, either.
Lighter, you are probably right that there are internal things going on that maybe aren't conscious yet. There's a lot of stuff going on in my dreams; because I'm not looking for any answers to anything at the moment - I'm not trying to remember what they're about. Just letting whatever is going on - happen. As Hops has pointed out, the last couple years have been out the roof on the "life stress" tables for me. And even if I'm coping better than ever before with that kind of thing... it DOES exact a price.
It's funny that Hops is always reminding me to be still and not just do-do-do all the time... but my D feels like I'm just doing nothing too much... and of course guesses wrong about the reason (not emotionally out balance in any direction; just TIRED - physically and want to do some quiet fun things for a change.) Raspberries and LOLs to both of you! You can only feed back to me from what I tell ya, and that's maybe the biggest thing I've noticed lately.
For all I blather words online, I'm not really communicating well again. Like this is another clue to an internal process going on... and the "expression" and "communication" is coming through my hands in other more concrete ways... like the stuff on the house, the decisions I'm making about "stuff", the exploring/shopping/designing going on in my head about storage/bookshelves... raised beds and seeds... and what and how I envision myself actually living and working; doing in this place.
It's kinda like the state of an infant - just absorbing all the sights, sounds, touch and feelings of the new world around him/her. This is such a departure from my normally one on one connection with another, to go through living with... and I radically changed my physical environment... it's taking time - lots of time - just to find the right wavelengths to be in harmony here. So far, the person who best understands this... is H's man - Matt. Of course, he's a working artist too. While there are a lot of differences in our persuasions, we really connect on that creative wavelength and it's nice to be able to talk to someone who can "see" what you can only vaguely indicate through words. Together we might be able to construct a sentence that communicates what we're aware of. LOL.
It's a silly thing. And probably doesn't need fixing... just living through till the energy shifts to something else. I always see a little more each time though.
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Amber:
The house came with a helper guy? I don't remember reading that. With all you have going on it's a relief.
About your dreams.... you may not be trying to figure them out, but if you jot then down you may be glad you did later on.
Your beach house didn't sell, but the one the buyers chose is not longer available. Yours will likely be the next. It hasn't been on the market that long. I'm curious what the realtor is saying about it.
Whatever you do..... these are your decisions. Learning to navigate solo is big change...
it takes time. Soon there will be comfort in new habits, and new habits become pleasures, IME.
In the meantime.... when you need to rest.... rest.
Sometimes we need to be still, quiet and alone, and that's OK too.
Lighter
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There is big stuff coming up. Twiggy stuff. AGAIN. (well, duh... she didn't just go away)
What Lighter was telling Tupps, about fear and suvival, hits home for me too. As ever, there is also a physical component for me - or at least it's a "symptom radar" and "method of correcting balance". It's not QUITE verbal yet, so this is just a "preview".
Trauma, dissociation, and trusting one's self... and breaking the INvalidating conditioning in our heads & hearts.
I read a fabulous quote about training the other day (I need to actually copy it here, but time is running short)... the essence was, that in order to change our habits - we have to be willing to sacrifice something of us from our "now"... so that we can be or be able to do something in the future. There has to be that exchange. E=mc2 right? But it's also a way to exchange something that "doesn't fit" with our goals for ourselves... for something that does. It's a letting go, to make room for something else.
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Yes, Amber!
What do we need to face, and prune to make room for something else... that serves us better in the future. It feels like alchemy from here.
((((Amber))))
I hope your dental appointment is over quickly with the best possible outcome.
Rest, and let us know how you're doing.
Lighter
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I now have a bionic tooth instead a gap.
All this talk & sharing of our individual struggles has uncorked the "chatty cathy" again. (I'm sure you noticed.) It was really warm at the beach - and I slept with the door to the room open to the sound of the waves, just over the dune. But at 5:30 am, I was woken by what I interpreted in my half-awake state as an earthquake - which turned out to be thunder & lightning. In February.
The drive down & back didn't bother me as much this time. I was more relaxed, didn't let my mind wander from the task of driving (much), only had the one thing to do there... and realized that I'd be driving the most difficult stretch after dark, coming home. It's two-lane twisties through the mountains. The oncoming lights REALLY bother me, and I drive too slow for most people. It's that last part that bothers me the most - but I was determined not to overdrive my "comfort zone". With practice, I'll learn the curves, and how fast I can drive them in the daylight and I won't be such an obstacle in the dark. Some of the big trucks were slower than me, so there.
I thought about stopping by the house; but since I'd looked at the pictures online and they invoked sadness for all the past good times I lived there with a bunch of happy people I decided it wasn't a good idea. I didn't HAVE to be there for any reason and I don't think I would've had some great epiphany making myself do it, either. I could've touched everything again; stood on the spot where Mike last was in the house... but seriously: besides invoking sadness, and releasing some more tears and sadness - of what benefit would that be? I can do that up in the mountains just as well.
There is some uncertainty about the people who looked at the house 3 times. Sent realtor an email saying they were getting ready to offer soon. They just didn't say which house. LOL. So we're holding off reducing the price for a month or so. It would be a serious price adjustment to compete with the next tier lower in that neighborhood... and my neighbors who are selling are still priced rediculously high (while the maintenance has been neglected)... so I'll wait.
I have, of course, a long list of have-tos and want-tos at the new place but the pace I'm working right now is leaving me plenty of quiet time and just unpack and "look" time. More stuff is going to need to be purged - but that can happen alongside repairs, improvements and gardening. My online WV friend who just lost her "Mike"... is doing pretty well. Maybe better than I was initially. Different people, different processes. I feel pretty well along the acceptance path now... but I still have my moments of tears and sadness; feeling bereft of the the "other half of me".
And I'm still having a strong pull to connect with, talk to, get validation from men for some of my ideas about living here. But I'm also reluctant to talk too much, give anyone the idea that I'm a vulnerable widow and easily taken advantage of. And I'm having to confront the issue of security and self-defense here. My "helper" has backed off and I don't see him much now. But when I call or text him, he's right there. That's a little more comfortable for me - and I know he's working a lot trying to get ready to build on some land he's bought, for his family.
I'm not jumpy about being out here alone. BUT, I am aware of some no-good-niks around me and my hearing at night is like a superpower. LOL. I can most of the time identify things. But the fake owl calls I heard one night - OBVIOUSLY - someone in the woods around me, put me on alert. I mentioned it to my helper - and from his reponse, it might've been him & his buddy; he said he'd let me know if they were out in the woods hunting at night. I told him it's probably safer that way. LOL.
So, I'm thinking a lot of things through about moving forward here. Always trying to remember that I have a tendency to dive into the deep end and bite off more than I can chew. The big garden, therefore, might get started this year - but mostly in loosening the soil, amending it, cover crop, garden shed, etc. I'm real conscious about not wanting to be a slave to the garden... because there's the studio and the workshop... and some other projects I want to do too. As well as get out into my community more - and also my little cabin, a couple hours away.
-
Security: Awesome huge rescue dog who loves you more than anything. I live with a 20-pound version of this who can keep anything away. Cat person? Oh, come on over to the dark, wagging/drooling side...cozy.
Ideas about living there and getting male buy-in: You can just live there because you want to. You don't need to build a justification.
Grief and nostalgia on beach trip: Oh yes. Owww.
Twiggy visits: You do get more cerebral when she surfaces. But it helps you. And it doesn't invalidate all the healing and releasing you've done previously one iota. She's a touchstone but she's not you now.
love
Hops
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At some point recently, I've discovered that doing more naval-gazing, rehashing old compost/sifting, is simply a deja vu experience. BTDT already. There just isn't any more treasure under those rocks, that I've missed. Touchstone, perhaps... perhaps there is value in visiting old places; old being. But there isn't a lot of relevance or meaning in the present - and it feels entirely forced, square peg in round hole - to try to contrive a "meaning" or "purpose".
Sure, some of the issues from the past still echo in the present. Like hearing an old song on the radio, that you've forgotten, will evoke nostalgia for times past.
It's really good for me to have some simple downtime; quiet time. But more isn't always better, in this case. I'm mildly depressed & really bored because of the "nothing going on" and talking about dogs and the bonding that I'm not doing currently, because there is no one to bond to. I've been "in my head" so much the past year - and successfully so - that I've used up what benefits there are to that way of dealing with the change in my life. The emotional stuff has poured out of me like a damn volcano with heartburn. And I'm left hollow with the wind whistling through the places where intention, projects - making things and "making things so", and engaging with other people should be.
A way forward to whatever the next phase is; restless, annoyed energy not assigned to any purpose. I just can't stand February. Thankfully it's a short month. I'm all caught up on sleep. Politics have become irrelevant, since I'm having a really difficult time finding the logic in how "identity" or "self" is a political statement... which seems to be popular lately. I'm as whole as I'm gonna get - and whether I find new people to bond with or not (I'm already connected to quite a few in varying degrees) - it feels like time to "go forth and conquer" again.
No, there's no "master list" - it's just all in my head and has been rehersed and what-if'd ad nauseum. I know it's going to change as soon as I start getting on with it anyway. And I can handle that. It wouldn't be any fun at all if there weren't "surprises", problem to solve, things to fix... or puzzles to figure out.
Look out world; she's on a roll again.
-
My current hamster-wheel thought cycle:
Not trusting my self - mostly decision-making/judgement
Seeking validation - mostly from men (the "daddy" abandonment deal)
Recognizing that not all the above input is wise/or fits me and my current situation
Judging myself for seeking external validation...
Not trusting myself.
:shock:
I think this has to do with perfectionism, somewhat. In that making a mistake is a - gasp! fatal flaw - when it happens. And of course, I recognize where most of the unfair "judgement" I've suffered comes from (thanks, mom)... and it IS internalized, because SHAME and HUMILIATION.
One of Hops' comments about "fear of judgement" kind of rang the bell on getting all these steps to appear concisely on the conscious screen.
The only way out is through... so, while I still need to consult with guys who know a lot of the how-to information on some of my projects... I need to step back, after getting said advice and allow myself the actual PERMISSION to do what I want, how I want to do it (even with the educational input) and allow myself to make mistakes. Without beating myself up over it.
I suspect, as I experiment with ways through this endless cycle... I'm going to find it has a lot to do with the pouty, resistant inner child too.
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The thing I admire about you, PR, is that being nonfunctional or down enough to be "off" is so RARE with you.
It's extraordinary how much discipline and drive you have. I admire that tremendously.
I collapse into a puddle of laziness at the wisp of a breeze.
Much shame, much distress over it.
Your accounts of the To Dos are actually awe-inspiring. While I often celebrate your lapses into Why-Do, and maybe giving yourself more space to just BE....on my end, it's an enormous issue to ... well, To-Do. I have been so down and discouraged I stopped making the lists at all, and hide in bed escaping on weekends. Not proud.
love,
Hops
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Hops, I have those times too.
They start out, as a well-deserved "reward" - then drag out into a type of inertia, until I get mad at myself and shame myself into doing "SOMETHING - ANYTHING"... and then I can start back in. Now, that's just the mental/emotional rut I drag myself through. Fact is, I'm not 40 anymore and because I'm still trying to work myself back "into shape" - I NEED the downtime.
My "better self" also knows that when "doing" a person needs to stop & look at what has already been accomplished, BREATHE, and ponder what should come next - in a type of "choose wisely" scenario, to get the biggest bang for my limited physical energy buck.
I am also really coming to grips with the fact that I am, and conceivably will be, ALONE now.
I don't want to listen to my own tapes anymore; so I replace it with long tv series or movies and books and feeling like it's important to "know what's going on in the world" - from the "safe" perch I have up on the mountain. (lots of internet time, searching for intelligent life - it's rare everywhere)
So, I have moments - like Lighter described - where words come out of my mouth and I'm not present enough to understand how I sound to someone else. I talk or type; just to say "I am"... I still exist.
Meanwhile the lists languish in their semi-sorted piles... the piles of "stuff" are still sitting where they were last "plunked"... and the only thing that motivates me to even go to the grocery store is I'm close to being out of soup & crackers or company coming over. I had visions of baking bread on that new island I coveted & treated myself to. But one person can't eat that much bread. LOL. Not without having to replace one's wardrobe.
My friend the "doc" and I still talk about this "transition" I'm going through. He suggested that I need to invent a whole new schedule for myself... and work out how much time I devote to "what" and "when" - building in those times to eat at regular times, bedtime, etc. The "pouty one" didn't like that idea much; she wanted free rein to exercise her "freedom" as a teenager - regardless of the consequences. Dumb kid. There's only so much of that a person can do before it gets boring.
She - of all people - should know that being committed to a project and fully engaged on "making something happen" is where both of us flourish. Either learning something new, practicing what we know, helping someone else learn... and that BOTH of us need that kind of interaction. To feel like we have a purpose in life. That we're important in the "wheel of life" enough to be kind to ourselves and take care of ourselves.
I'm babbling; but the outline in my previous post has "cracked the egg open". It's the gist of my struggle with interacting with other people, feeling comfortable in my own skin, and yet still navigating my own little boat through life.
I dunno. I have let myself open up to my new place... learning it's pace. Looking and trying to "see" what it could be. And in the process, let myself "stop" long enough to hear what's going on with me too. I know I needed the "stop" - even though other people wanted something different for and from me. And now a few trees are leafing out; I think I have a pair of nesting geese in the pond that are going to hatch their babies in a few weeks... and I'll have fuzzy goslings to watch grow.
PACING... and a new schedule (that's not engraved in stone and enforced by a draconian overlord mind or list)... might be just what is needed now.
My lists dream big. It always puts me into the position of chasing something I don't have the energy to keep up with. I've been paring those back, too. So that I build a foundation here of reliable services and shelter... BEFORE I plant daisies, lavender, peas and carrots.
When you're swept up in the big wave of "change" - it's sometimes hard to know exactly where you "are" and what you "can" do... of all the things one thinks "should" happen. You just have to wing it, do the best you can, and hope for the best outcome.
We did finally finish Mike's estate tax return last week. I guess it's at the post office and because today is a holiday, I'll get it sign it and send it back tomorrow. And I have the other taxes to collect info for and send up there too. There's all kinds of crazy snafus going on with the mortgage for the beach house... which I've kinda resigned myself to enduring, knowing full well the universe's ironic streak means I'll sell the house once I get that all straightened out.
The separate bank I use for mundane purchasing is being sold for the 3rd or 4th time. I need to deal with that Tuesday too - because I have a bunch of forms to get notarized to get the first little cabin's deed in just my name. THEN, except for Mike's magazine subscriptions I need to cancel... I'm DONE with all that. Then, perhaps, I'll really FEEL free to move on through my own stuff.
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Bereft
There's an interesting word. That's often how I feel waking up, the day after there's been someone here. Whether it's the workmen I'm bringing over to sort out the things I can't (or choose not to try to) do properly... or friends looking for a refuge to vent, empty it all out, set burdens down and then SLEEP until they don't want to sleep anymore.
I'm left with myself - whatever floaty stuff is in my brain, echoes of dreams, and the cat.
And it would seem my internal judge finds that self pretty wanting. Not good enough. Someone who needs to be watched closely before they open their mouths and say something "stupid" or "politically incorrect"... and who can't be trusted to go about the requirements of living without someone watching over her shoulder to prevent any authentic emotional expressions to escape into the general atmosphere of this day.
God forbid it would make someone angry, or think less of me, or transgress the many thousands and millions of individual "offense triggers". Only carefully crafted, written statements of "being" allowed - or I'll be exiled to the Siberia of socially misfit children... locked away in a dark closet forever, invisible, so I don't horrify and upset the "nice" people, who "know how to act" (I guess in lieu of being authentically themselves)...
ie, I deserve to live alone in solitude because I am unfit for human interaction.
I dunno why the judge doesn't just scream "Burn the Witch!" and stop dancing around the burning bush.
Short. Sweet. To the point.
I can only conclude that this judge is a major Victorian prude with a corncob vying for space with the location of his five senses in a less-pleasant orifice. A judge whose system of values, holds ritual and rigid precedent as more important than common sense, mercy, and a shared sense of being part of humanity... as in, "there but for the grace of God, go I". Someone who DARES to stand in the place of the Creator and pick a number from 1-10 as to the value and worth of a person. In toto. Without even taking into consideration the "whole" of a person... and applying sentences, punishment and penance applicable to a major sin... to a minor offense.
A judge with no concept of proportion or scale.
I heard a new descriptive phase about people. Comes from a German friend of mine... "They're someone you could steal horses with". It means someone who's loyal, can do what is needed and keeps the shared secrets... and is FUN, daring, and not afraid to bend the rules. It's a great image. I would want someone like that to be a friend. Mike was a bit like that too.
It's 180 degrees from that old stuffy, stick in the mud judge in my head. (Sorry, mud - that was unintentional and not directed at you; just a turn of phrase.) OH... let me tapdance drunk through the minefield... cross canyons on the highwire... and sift pepper out of fly poop.
It's better than "bereft".
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"...sift pepper out of fly poop"?
I LOVE you!
(Sorry for the lack of substance but I'm surfing for meaning and there I found it.)
Crazy with too much to do...
xo
Hops
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Hmmmm, Amber.
That Judge of yours... in your head..... I think part your mom, part pouty child and all fear present and close at all times, lurking in your sub conscious. You're so bright and pragmatic..... you'd never let the Judge get away with that out in the open.
In fact you spend a lot of time trying to prove the Judge wrong..... maybe. Sure seems like that could be true.
I think this saying fits.......
"What we fear will find us."
We can't get to the unconscious demons through our frontal cortex. There's no way to get there from that place.... and trying just makes things take longer, IME. The path INTO our subconscious minds isn't as as scary as we fear it'll be. Never as scary as the Judges and demons tell us they;ll be... they won't really kill us.
You're naming it.... this Judge/mother thing in your head, and ... paying attention to what it has to say. Noticing, observing instead of doing doing doing to fight it off, make it wrong, go away, leave you in peace.... which leads to spinning, not putting it behind us... just spinning in it. Not helpful, IME.
Cultivating the ability to notice, and pay attention to our responses is....good. Choosing something new is how to get around the demons maybe. Letting them have their say, understanding why they say it, and not judging them... just giving our attention....refusing to spin.
I'm curious what comes up for you next.... regarding the Judge in your head. I think it keeps your brain locked in fearful clutch..... doesn't leave free space to engage other parts of the brain.
Maybe just noticing will provide the respite necessary for other parts of your brain to come on line, and take it's place? At least for a while? That's how I interpret my day of noticing my babble to the boarding school gal, the WHY around it then BAM! Other parts of my brain just came online..... the switch in my brain flipped... at least for a while.
I am so resonating with this post, Amber.
Ah... I just burned a piece of butter slathered gf toast.... smoke. Everywhere. And you know what? Two weeks ago that would have had me spinning.... I would have heard that Judge in my sub conscious shouting doubt about my ability to keep myself alive, my children alive, etc. It would have tapped into my deepest fears, and shut me down.
It didn't.
This is better.....
just burned toast.
Not proof all will end in a giant hellball.
This feels like huge progress to me.
:nodding::
Lighter
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Maybe the ability to find "what's next" has become a petrified fossil. Outlasting, being more stubborn and more patient than the "judge" -- and indulging in a pouty, sit-down strike of massive passive-aggressive proportions... has turned the part of me that "wants" into the little Peruvian mummy girl that was sacrificed so long ago... and that was found by one of our Mountain Institute explorers some years back.
Fear is, in some cases, a valid motivator I think. I don't fear "fear itself". I was terrified of waking every morning and being surrounded by reminders of my losses at the beach house, for years on end. Talk about being mummified. I dealt with it - within what I calculated I could realistically do with some help. Change on the other hand; change invigorates me with life-energy. The conqueror spirit of Twiggy gets to unfurl itself and focus on something real, turning a fantasy-dream into reality... the essence of creativity.
So, the IRS will have Mike's estate tax return by the end of the day tomorrow. One more thing crossed off the list. But the very LAST piece of it was a major struggle & snafu. FedEx found the returns themselves in their Memphis office; the envelope was torn. I have a backup set arriving today! LOL. We're on the final days before the extension deadline.
That's kind of like typing "The End" on the last page of a manuscript. The epilogue consists of continuing to lighten my load under the 21 tons (literally) of stuff the movers relocated from "there" to "here". I spend a lot of time outside, because I still can't bear the claustrophobia feeling of the "stuff" inside. And I haven't found my pencil box yet... and don't even have a pen to make lists out in the studio. And I still have to drop my 1040 tax stuff in the mail - after I locate a few more things.
And then get serious about rethinking my estate stuff along with future planning for the business. My brother is AWOL again. And an insurance matter is still languishing as a result. But I don't really care enough about that to nag him.
I am attempting to simplify that kind of stuff - which I've come to despise - as much as possible.
Purpose, meaning, a sense of being "important" for my ego/monkey mind -- but not in the material success sense -- is coming up. Finding my new role... niche... in this life. Even if it's just bringing a sense of order the jumble of rocks here and being the steward of this little bowl shaped hollow on the side of a mountain.
A lot of my past interests mesh well with this place: herbs & food production, creating a self-perpetuating, regenerating "spot" on the earth from a rocky, barren, almost sterile starting point. Making things - practical & silly... and claiming the space where I am "Queen of the Mountain" (although I don't have dragons...). Where the animals don't fear me, nor do I disrupt their instinctive behaviors and patterns... with my other projects. Amber's Walden? Khalasar?
I'll need an army of "helpers" to get started I think. More social interaction will be good for me.
The winter was a good time to revisit these old neural "ruts in the road" that don't really go away - but simply continue to fade in their power over my ability to impact life around me. We have a series of warm days coming up. There aren't any bulbs here - no grape hyacinth, no daffs - and it seems inconceivable to me that no one thought to plant them among the impressive rocks. That's a fall project. But with spring comes a lot of bouncy, bright, and active energy again... doing energy... that distracts from polishing turds, picking pepper out of fly poop, and moves my focus to nesting at another level.
I am seeing more outspoken women - talking about how strong they are. All their descriptions of what makes them "incredible" are male attributes - the yang. They are ignoring the yin completely - caring, giving, the soft maternalism that just isn't natural for guys, although they can "go there" at times. I think there are going to be a whole lot of unhappy and lonely women in 40-50 years, as a result.
Not everything can be acquired by "conquering" or competing or over-compensating; there's a whole big bit of being that requires giving up, letting go, and just falling into. And you have to feel your way into that; thinking is the antithesis of it. Blindfolded. Trusting.
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Hi Amber:
I'm really understanding one of your recent posts....
where you wrote about going over and over your process verbally...
how it no longer is productive for you....
you'd been there, done that, and it just wasn't moving you forward like it had in the past.
THat's where I am, right here and now, even as I'm drawn to DOING DOING DOING things that will improve my day/year/life.....
intellectually they would, of course......
who wouldn't benefit from having an organized office where everything is in it's place?
Starting that children's book they've wanted to write, catching up taxes, and financial decisions, etc?
But I'm also aware that I'd just get more of what I've always gotten. The office would slide back into chaos, etc.....
There's an expiration date on relief we manufacture....
when we're motivated by fear of what's been chasing us from our pasts......IME. It doesn't last.
I want to build something lasting and rooted in the present.
::nodding::
I'll resist doing for now.
I just don't know exactly what I'll replace it with......
how to respond, or find a way to learn to respond...
circular thoughts, here....
I feel like I'm following a trail of bread crumbs while going deeper into the dark forest.
What's behind may not be good for me, but it's comforting bc it's what I know, and have always depended on.
Sure, it's harming me now, but...
the comfort of the devil we know.
We lose that.
I know I'll find new coping strategies.... the Alchemy, the relief and deliverance into being present in the moment. It's down the path..... of course it is.
After a lot of thinking about that....
of what comes up for me around letting my old patterns go is....
what I'll LOSE if I turn them loose......
if the familiar tension and anxiety in my body is gone,
which I've depended on since before I can remember.....
what is left....
for me?
Of me?
It feels like my entire framework would fall away... what holds me erect in the world,
what I lean on....
like my skeleton evaporating... POOF!
OW.
My mind won't even let me have that, and carry it through to a logical conclusion.
WOULD I FALL? :shock:
I could fall. :shock:
I could be untethered from the earth, and float into madness....
maybe?
Not likely,
sure, but.....
:shock:
I don't want to live running from past fears that're no longer relevant in my life, and so I'll see what comes up next.
The journey continues.
Lighter
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Lighter,
What you wrote reminded me of an anecdote I probably shared here years ago (this is what happens with aging board-mates) but I'll tell it again.
In a women's support group that launched me into drawing strength (instead of fear) from other women for the first time in my life, one participant was: sooo driven, sooo tense, sooo guarded, sooo traumatized by her past, sooo unbelieving in the love around her, sooo scarred, sooo courageous, sooo exhausted, sooo sooo sooo careful of what other people would think or judge that she barely opened up...
One day I said to her that she reminded me of a Viet Nam vet, come home, who didn't viscerally realize he was now in peacetime.
It was the first time I saw how deep listening could reach someone. And it was transformative for both of us, that moment.
I hear what you're doing, what you want to do. The only thought that rises to the surface is, you can't force this, plan it, outline it on a list, shape it to your will. The kind of healing you're talking about, I think, will come from trusting. Not specific people or teachers or the next special therapy. But trusting yourself IN life. Not OVER life.
Yourself, in life. Trusting life in you...letting it thrive even when you don't know how.
Hugs,
Hops
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((((Amber)))--
Now that some of the adrenalin rush of the move is ebbing a little, other things are seeping into the canyon of change you've walked bravely into. Fear is natural and okay. Grief too.
I wonder if you're looking hard for explanations of everything. Who is this sole woman in the mountains? Mainly, I hear you always asking under a very confident narrative...do I have a right to be here? Do I have a right not to know so many answers? Do I have a right to be lost with faith? Do I have a right to steer with one hand instead of two? To float and trust that the shape this takes will have beauty?
Beauty doesn't mean a perfect plan. Sometimes beauty is also rough and fierce. But then gentle life breaks through rock and the tender green is a miracle.
I think YOU deserve that gentle nurturing mothering, and that your critiques of women in general, or feminists, are a deflection from the self-love and tenderness you need to give yourself. And how deeply deserved it is.
I'm starting to see you as a sweet spirit wearing chiffon under motorcycle leathers. I've been bingeing on Project Runway, however.
Hugs,
Hops
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Hops, I'm picturing Amber puttering around her mountain homestead in a chiffon shift and jeans, under a black leather motorcycle jacket.
I like it.
::nodding::
Thanks for sharing the story again... I don't remember that one, although things you've shared here pop up often as I move through my day.
Recently I've been going over some of Amber's older threads, and I recognize issues I'd dealing with now. They didn't resonate then, perhaps, but they sure do now.
Thank you Hops, and Amber for being so active on the board. I truly am grateful to you, and all the members who've shared their lessons, experiences, joys and sorrows.
Thank you for creating this amazing space, Doc G.
I've learned so much here.
Lighter
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Hmmm... maybe something in a soft teal or coral silk, instead of chiffon. Or fuzzy cashmere. And actually, I've found some very comfortable - and wearable! - clothing that looks good on women of a certain age. Most of it's linen or cotton. Very simple clothing, but flattering.
Hops, you know I'm projecting a lot don't you? Because I've gone to great lengths to deny my own feminine self, out of a warped sense of "protecting myself". That said, this level of life-changing experience has me appreciating that part of me more than ever. And I still am a fierce protector of "her"... but in totally different ways now.
It was the ability of wading into the depths of the grief; to wear out the feelings - and know when it was time too move on - that was exceedingly helpful to me. No fear of that; but perhaps a fear of being judged over my decision to not live surrounded by the memories of "what was" - as if there is a blessed thing I could do change the things that happened by magically paying homage to it for the rest of my life. Blech. I don't like "boxes"; the Twiggy scenario does NOT need to be repeated.
Am ruminating on some big deals... attempting to answer definitively for myself...
was Twiggy more authentic than the me that got frankensteined together "after" her trauma subsided? (Strangely enough - given her weird parenting situation - I'm really NOT SURE she WAS. And she seems to be glad I've finally realized that.)
Does it matter if I am what Twiggy wanted to be - "before"? (Having gone through this past year's just as significant life events - together - I think there are things she might let go; conversely - there are things I want to re-attain.) And of course the really big deal...
Is there any need... or reason... to keep using this shorthand of the girl "Twiggy" anymore? Aren't we one & the same and share the same memories? Experiences? Emotions? Isn't that simply a chapter in the book of my life that I've been creating by living it?
There's a lot of nodding going on over here.
I am more free now - to express that side of myself; give myself permission without having to beg forgiveness of some other person external to me to explore things that both aspects of myself enjoy and are interested in. We "own" the same predilections and preferences (although my taste in men is a lot more educated and refined than hers... LOL) with some small variations.
Something monumental has shifted; over the past few days I've started to NOTICE. Just like I finally noticed the one lonely little clump of daffodils at the edge of the drive.
I've always "reinvented" myself - designed a new life - around another person and their likes/dislikes and value-system reality. What a great time for me (and Twiggy) to find we can go on & use this opportunity to suit my self. Knowing we'll try things and reject them; we'll screw some things up; and I have the ability to make the right decisions to keep moving forward.
Being still, listening, waiting, resting... is not the same as being "stuck". Not caring if I perfectly master something on the "want to" list immediately... as long as I'm TRYING... is also another "load off"; another burden I don't have to carry. When I put myself in a position to NEED permission from someone else, I ACCEPTED a LIMITATION that doesn't exist in reality.
It started to really piss me off that I was letting the "dominos" - the things I needed to do first, before I could start the thing I really WANTED to do - stop me in my tracks. Couldn't sort out what the problem was... since I'm process-oriented enough to understand you can't go putting the cart in front of the horse and actually get anywhere. So today I tackled gathering the info needed to get some more of those dominos out the way. Tomorrow is soon enough to deal with them.
Then I should be free of the paperwork, tax, legal hoop dominos. And I can indulge in the fully-focused, flow of "making space"... and making this place "just right". All the major "bones" are good and it's a very pleasant space already. But there is room for improvement. I'm antsy to get started.
-
Bereft
There's an interesting word. That's often how I feel waking up, the day after there's been someone here. Whether it's the workmen I'm bringing over to sort out the things I can't (or choose not to try to) do properly... or friends looking for a refuge to vent, empty it all out, set burdens down and then SLEEP until they don't want to sleep anymore.
I'm left with myself - whatever floaty stuff is in my brain, echoes of dreams, and the cat.
And it would seem my internal judge finds that self pretty wanting. Not good enough. Someone who needs to be watched closely before they open their mouths and say something "stupid" or "politically incorrect"... and who can't be trusted to go about the requirements of living without someone watching over her shoulder to prevent any authentic emotional expressions to escape into the general atmosphere of this day.
God forbid it would make someone angry, or think less of me, or transgress the many thousands and millions of individual "offense triggers". Only carefully crafted, written statements of "being" allowed - or I'll be exiled to the Siberia of socially misfit children... locked away in a dark closet forever, invisible, so I don't horrify and upset the "nice" people, who "know how to act" (I guess in lieu of being authentically themselves)...
ie, I deserve to live alone in solitude because I am unfit for human interaction.
I dunno why the judge doesn't just scream "Burn the Witch!" and stop dancing around the burning bush.
Short. Sweet. To the point.
I can only conclude that this judge is a major Victorian prude with a corncob vying for space with the location of his five senses in a less-pleasant orifice. A judge whose system of values, holds ritual and rigid precedent as more important than common sense, mercy, and a shared sense of being part of humanity... as in, "there but for the grace of God, go I". Someone who DARES to stand in the place of the Creator and pick a number from 1-10 as to the value and worth of a person. In toto. Without even taking into consideration the "whole" of a person... and applying sentences, punishment and penance applicable to a major sin... to a minor offense.
A judge with no concept of proportion or scale.
It's better than "bereft".
This post, Amber......
The noticing you're doing.... all these things are coming up for attention, imo.
You can call these pieces Twiggy or the one who doesn't feel accepted, but they need your presence and curiosity I think.
Lighter
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They're getting that attention, Lighter.
Which is why I think I've had this sudden (although it took months to get here) clearing. It's not all clear enough to be verbalized yet...
but one of the biggest clues was the word "internalized". And understanding, finally, just what that experience feels like inside and then asking the right questions... and listening to the answers.
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I know those issues are getting your attention, Amber.
Sometimes I think I'm talking to myself..... more than I'm telling you something you don't already know.
I'm trying to know it too: )
Lighter
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Yesterday, I started out to try explaining some of what I've been processing about "internalization", "self" and my slightly odd experience of "co-dependence" (not rare; just not what we usually mean by the word). And I thought I'd found a really good psych dictionary... to start from a precise definition, to talk about it. Then, the cyber gods made it go poof... and I went in other directions. Plus, I'm having ANOTHER conversation with someone else about this... so I guess, while it's definitely bubbling up (needs a litttle eye of newt)... it's not quite ready to be talked about explicitly.
Just about lunch time the realtor calls, to check in about activity on the beach house. House was being shown again... and there was an offer from a couple who'd been there 3 times. They have kids, from Texas (that's a big move) and they made an offer I'd be silly to refuse. Sure, I'd have liked to sell it for more money. But it's close enough to the magic number I decided was how low I'd accept - that I signed it. They have a pre-qual letter, specified 45 days to meet underwriting requirements, and they don't need a home inspection. Close in 60 days.
Oh... and they specifically wanted the big round table I bought for the kitchen banquette. I finally got the cushions made for it last year about this time. Between that and the big pool... I think we set the stage pretty well. I didn't really have a place here for that table anyway - much as I loved it.
So by May - I'll be done with all the crazy snafus on the mortgage, insurance, and all the maintenance/upkeep that place requires. I'll have working capital to actually DO the things I've discovered need doing, here - and at my little cabin - over the last 4 months. And probably a little more, too... since I won't have that mortgage payment/utilities going out every month.
And I should be celebrating... but this is one of those bittersweet "closures". More Mike, all the fun times we had, and the satisfaction of how a plan comes together. Mike & I planned to live there 10 years - just to do it and say we did. Always knew it was too big, wouldn't make sense as we got older. And he started being really homesick; there were a whole batch of guys he went to school with, raced cars with, was "bad boys" with... that started dying. That's why we bought the little cabin. To be closer and not have such a long drive from "home". He just ran out of time.
So over the next couple months, I get to process that this really IS IT; the last page in that chapter - the end. And we're moving on into the next one too. Where I started this update; the introspection into those topics... is the main focus right now. Untangling all the jumbled stuff - the threads of yarn in the messy ball - and putting all that "to rights" will get to be the foundation for the "what comes next" on the list. Whatever that turns out to be.
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Oh ((((((((((Amber))))))))))).
I completely understand the poignancy of selling the beach house.
And at the same time, I'm so glad for you. (I had fears that climate change
might mean it'd be much harder to sell.) I'm so glad this has happened.
I admire how observant and insightful you are about your own transitions
as you go through them. I know you anchor in the details but your non-monkey
(shall we say giraffe) mind doesn't miss a thing. You have wonderful perspective, imo.
So kudos and relief for the practical new freedom, and kindness for the heart-twang.
love,
Hops
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Well, Mike's birthday yesterday seems to have completely pushed my old "Ides of March" anniversary off the un-consciousness board of experiences. How about that?
His brother texted last night he was having Le Seuer peas in honor of him. LOL. I almost forgot what the date was, until I was dealing with a bit of business on the beach house yesterday. And we got 10 inches of snow out of the storm that required some dealing with. My friend from the southern part of the state, buries her husband at Arlington tomorrow - and assuming my road is clear enough - will spend the night here, before the long drive back home.
My chaperone Ronnie can hook me up with people to build a pad for a garden shed: that lets me empty half the garage of that kind of equipment/stuff I have and position it where the garden will be. Eventually, I'll have a summer kitchen on the east side of that building and a greenhouse on the west. And while I have heavy equipment here, we'll also dig out a place for a root cellar. (Very necessary here!) This county is "uptown" enough now, that I'll need building permits. LOL.
Had a log home contractor here before the snow started to talk about the decks and the west wall I want to re-engineer, as it takes the brunt of the wind & sun. I'm taking windows OUT and framing more strength in that wall. He actually sells the kind of cabin that this is. And as they start working, it's quite possible that I'll end up replacing all the windows and several of the doors. But he spent a lot of time looking at things and put up with my silly nervous chatter. Even suggested a much better solution for making the decks safe that I actually like the "look" of.
So... things moving along here at a steady pace... nothing uncomfortable or pressing. I'm ready for spring - but I think I'm right about the seasons shifting in relation to the calendar dates. The wind can stop roaring any time now; it's worse here than at the beach.
Twiggy's off doing something else and not bothering me. I'm surrounded by men - all unavailable men - LOL. So I get to enjoy them without having to housebreak them. LOL. After this year's steady stream of work/workmen around here... I really need to look into getting a dog. I realized mio-mio is going on 10 years old now, if not older. I did see a pretty collie wander through here the other day - my geese were sounding off and I guess that drew him or her. Ran away when I talked to it. And I saw a big black cat hunting my field, too. No idea where they belong - if they belong anywhere. I like having an outdoor cat - and mio-mio THINKS she wants to go out, but doesn't really like it, and I won't risk it. Too many predators and raptors.
Haven't seen any bears yet; but listening to the scanner yesterday (tuned to the county road crews) someone said they had a bear wander through their area. It's early; but it means spring is almost here.
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My friend who lost her Mike, came to spend the night with me last week. She was headed home from Arlington, where he was buried. Boy, people sure do go through the grieving process differently.
:shock:
I thought I was pretty pragmatic - but she's got me beat hands down. Maybe some of the anger she's processing - over long-term relationship issues - has something to do with it. We chattered on for hours like we were long lost sisters - even though we're online friends that have only known each other a couple of years. I was going to let her talk & process and do a lot of listening... but it didn't quite turn out that way.
I noticed, I really wanted to talk through a lot of the emotional stuff I've gone through the past year with someone who's technically going through the same thing. It was pretty clear our experiences were way different. She had lived 17 years alone between marriages; this is my first time - ever. I really DO miss my Mike in a thousand ways and still grieve the loss, the loneliness, the everyday things that are no more. Not as much now - and it's more just an ache than overwhelming pain. But that means I can better express verbally (and consciously thinking too) what that process is like. I refrained from doing that with her. I think maybe that emotional part of the process might settle in with her later - and well, she should own her own process and not have anything to compare it to. Not until she's walked that path.
I think - just from my interactions with "in the flesh" humans lately - it's time for me to come out of hibernation and start looking for some group activities to sample and maybe get involved in. There is a list, of course, of things I want to put some time into in this category. ;)
And while I'm really pretty comfortable living on my own like this, I don't think I would erect any serious challenges if I met a guy who was interested in me - and vice versa. But I also think, that looking to get married again, might be something I'm NOT interested in. At least for the time being. Always open to re-evaluation later. Who knows what might happen? LOL...
Meanwhile... still tying up loose ends on taxes and legal stuff... still "making space" around here... planning spring, summer & fall projects to improve this place. Started talking to contractors - have to get on their radar early - and trying to think down the road a little on making this place long-term accessible for me, say 20 years from now.
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Hi Amber:
About your friend's processing her husband's death..... anger is more useful than mourning. She's in the middle of a whirlwind with the service, and travel, and facing people/speaking about/processing it. It makes sense to me that she's expressing anger, AND mourning. When she lands safely home again, maybe it'll shift.
Your desire for more connection seems healthy to me. More an expansion of your inner world/a desire to be open to new experiences, rather than an attempt to fill yourself with outside specific things. Does that make sense?
Your description of TO DO lists reads more relaxed to me. Like you're comfortable with what's in front of you/belief all will be well, and not so attached to specific outcomes around the projects to feel OK.
I like picturing you puttering around your homestead in 20 years.
Lighter
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Well, I've been "shopping"... and finding alternative solutions to my space/storage/work area problems. That means I have to slow down and make decisions - LOL. Just when I thought I was going to be moving ahead. And we had a good snow... which is making me rethink my vehicle/equipment plan too. Found a really nice and right sized tractor... at a decent price... and while part of me thoroughly enjoys the idea of me on a tractor, customizing my landscape and making it "just so" - I really wouldn't use a tractor that much. Equipment that sits; is equipment that isn't ready to go when you are, so I passed on it.
Made serious inroads on the paper monster - a lot of files simply had to be thrown into boxes to get moved up here, and when I was in packing mode, there no time to shred. I've shredded 4-5 large green bags of paper this week or so. And used my old Bejewelled computer game as enticement to spend that much time doing a monotonous task that I don't enjoy at all.
I'm finding I'd much rather visit the stores and people right around here - than go over the mountain to the shopping mecca of a town I used to live in. There just isn't anything there for me (much) anymore. My tai chi teacher. There's less artifice or persona about people here; they are who they are and don't feel there's any need to pretend otherwise. They're warm and simply human and it's encouraging me to feel safe enough to just be me, too. Without worrying about being "liked" or "approved". That's different and takes a little getting used to.
And over the winter, all my discombobulation and fretting over decisions - is it the right thing, what are the follow-on impacts, what will people think... all that has settled & quieted & pretty much gone away. I'm having more fun days, these days, than I've had in a good long while. Even while I'm still dealing with business matters, taxes, cardboard boxes and "which box is THAT in?" stuff. The draconian slave-driver demanding that work must proceed at a break-neck pace until it's "done" has been fired. The ability to look at the "blank canvas" of the space around me - for hours and days and weeks - until I know just what needs to go where is back.
And there are surprises!! After the snow melted, I started seeing clumps of yellow blooms along the road and in the ditches - these aren't dandelions; it's the bloom of coltsfoot - a useful medicinal herb that grows wild. I've got a big patch of it on the backside of the pond dam. There's mullein, of course. I've heard that a couple owners ago, they kept goats here as well as chickens. I'm still debating the question of whether I want to be obligated to keeping animals - but my friend brought me a dozen of her fresh brown eggs and a person can almost taste the increase in protein in them.
Mio-mio is out of sorts; gave me fits yesterday. We're still trying to convince her it's OK to come out of her hidey hole way back in an awkward spot in my closet. I think it's my fault for thinking she might like different crunchies. I had a backup of her normal crunchies and moved food & water into the closet for the time being. LOL, I was disassembling the racks that hold the baskets in there at 7 am yesterday morning in a total panic to find out if she was OK. Maybe I do need a dog and a couple of inside/outside cats... LOL. There are lots of baby fish in the goldfish pond that made it through the winter even though the kids were afraid they'd all die. Now I have to buy fish food... LOL.
The warm is coming back; going to be in the 70s today. And I have SOOOO much outside work to get started on to get ready for some of the other stuff that's going to go on around here this summer.
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Aw Skep it was really lovely to read your post; it made me smile :) I'm always in awe of how busy you are and how much you get done so it was lovely to read that you are also finding you can sit back and observe the space and wait to see what happens. As for shredding paperwork - I love that feeling of getting a whole load of stuff gone and out of the way so I hope that lifted a little weight from your shoulders :)
The people in your new town sound nice. I am really starting to appreciate the benefits of 'I am what I am and I'm getting on with it' type people and I find it much more satisfying than some of the interactions I used to have so I hope you carry on getting lots of that. And warm weather after winter - isn't it the nicest thing? Glad to read things are moving along so nicely for you (and I hope Moi-moi appears soon - is that the cat? I've not read all the posts so I have missed that one, lol) x
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Thanks Tupps.
The kitty situation pretty much had me in total obsession/emotional meltdown all weekend. Too many of my online friends grieving and/or hurting from physical ailments too. I just gave in and had a long, good cry. I did get her evicted from my closet; a vacumn cleaner is traumatic for her - but effective. She eventually hunkered down at a space under the bottom of the steps.
So, I schlepped her food & water & kitty bed down for her and brushed & pet her every time I checked on her. She was quiet all day yesterday - but eating & drinking well.
This morning I heard less intense howls as she ran upstairs to squish herself under my oak cabinet. It's progress I guess - the first day she wouldn't let me touch her at all. So, since I've denied her the places I can't reach to get her... I'm just going to let her work this out on her own. And go about my normal day. I miss our snuggles though. And more than anything else, that "need" just ran right into me and bowled me over and I gave into it. That seemed more important than "doing" anything else. Watched some tear-jerker chick flicks and just stuck a sharp stick in my eye to essentially bleed off the emotional pressure cooker.
Was not fit for human consumption, but that's OK. No humans around.
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I think kitty is getting better. She's eating & drinking just fine. Making good poops now - sometimes even in the litter box, right next to the hidey hole she's camped out in. I've tried to make her as comfy as possible there and not bother her much. Still adding a little Vit C to her water, since she seems to be holding her pee until she can't hold it anymore... and then peeing a gallon. She IS drinking some water - but not a lot. But she's bright eyed, snuggly and even playing a little with me when I visit with her. She LOOKS and ACTS just fine... except for wanting to "hide".
So I'm waiting her out. Then I'll move her water & stuff back upstairs and carry her up. Taking her to the vet is a no-go, because the crate/car traumatize her. Something has spooked her as well as she's still not right digestively. And she's not in pain, or obviously sick in any other way.
But between her howling races through the house, and cleaning up after her all day Sat... and so many of my friends grieving dying loved ones - or in serious health issues themselves - I'm having another long "sit down" with grief again. I don't really WANT to mind you; I've got a whole phase of "doing" I'm trying to get to. It's just making it's presence felt big time again. And maybe that's what's spooked the mio-mio.
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Oh I'm sorry about kitty.
The voluminous pee is a worry...in aging cats the most
common sign of kidney trouble. Or a simple but painful
UTI. Both would definitely mean a vet visit. Hope you can.
Sending support for all the daily effort you are doing, Amber.
My eloquence is a bit tapped out this days, sorry not to have
been here more ... as always, I'll be baaaaaaaaaaaaack!
love,
Hops
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And PS...fwiw (forgive the research, it's compulsive)
xo
Hops
Supplements to Avoid
The following supplements may actually cause damage to your cat’s health.
Antioxidants: People think that antioxidants will provide similar protection against disease in cats as they do in humans, but tread carefully here. Cats need vitamin A, for instance, but too much can cause medical problems. In fact, overdoses of vitamin A are more common than deficiencies in cats. High doses of vitamin C can also cause problems in the urinary tract, mouth, and stomach.
Garlic and/or onion: These can destroy red blood cells, leading to anemia.
Calicum and vitamin D: It’s difficult to find the right balance with these. Too much can be toxic.
Vitamin C: As mentioned above in “antioxidants,” too much vitamin C can cause overly acidic urine, which can lead to crystal formation and a life-threatening blockage.
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Thanks hops. No, she hasn't been getting anything other than her kibble (won't eat people food or wet food) and crunchy treats. The vit c was suggested by a friend who was told this would help clear a UTI by his vet. And I'm compulsive about using the lowest possible amount that's effective as possible.
;)
She really stresses out about travel, so I'm trying to avoid that trip to the vet. And she IS improving. I left the inside door open to to the garage, as I unpacked boxes yesterday, knowing her curiosity would make the space irresistable. LOL. She's not weak; not physically impaired; I'm not finding any spot on her that's tender - and she's all happy when I come & play and spend time with her in her hidey hole. It's almost as if she's exiled herself out of shame for last weekend's bowel/bladder extravaganza.
So, the next step is to try to tempt her upstairs. Ideally under her own volition. And I can make it easier for her by bringing her box back up. Maybe after a good scrub and a complete litter change. The place she's camped out in needs a real good cleaning.
---------------------------
Anyhoo, as for me... I'm finally bumping up against real needs; for connection primarily. And I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to decide those needs get met, yet. And there is something bubbling up that needs to be SAID... but I still don't know what it is yet.
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Amber:
It's a relief to read kitty is calming a bit.....what a relief playfulness returned. Your worry likely does have some effect on kitty, as you suspect.
About your friends, and that sadness..... I had to withdraw from the friend who just lost her SO to cancer. She didn't rely on me much, has plenty of friends, I responded when she reached out to me alone, but skipped the girl gathering and funeral service that included many other supporters.
I know where she is, and where she'll be for a while. It brings her comfort to share with me, bc she understands this. She says it a lot, in fact. It's just that.... I no longer have a need to meet her in that space. I did, perhaps, but not now. That can be OK too. I'm still working on how it feels to not extend myself the way I've always extended myself. It's odd, but if I stick with it....it's going to be OK.
I do so much better if I can resist framing my life the way I've been framing it. Just gaining some distance, and looking on without applying old filters, and expectations for myself. It's another one of those "flipping a switch"t hings, and I'm wrestling with it right now.
About your many projects, and choices...... the above goes double.
::Sending calm light for when you move kitty's bed and box upstairs.::
Might I suggest some new soft kitty treats for the hours around the event. That goes a long way in training our Pug, and restoring a calmer state.
(((Amber and kitty))))
Light
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Thanks Lighter; you said something important - about letting expectations for myself change. That's a critical gear in the machinery of how all this works, I think. It's easy to let the physical things change - I don't do well at all pulling an all-nighter like I did in 20s & 30s. But the inner things change too, if we only notice and let them.
On the other hand, I think I'll always have a soft spot that is going to be vulnerable to other people's grief. Lassie on tv in the 60s used to bring the tears, too and all the teasing I took over that did, was to cause me to hide my feelings and pretend I didn't feel them, until I could convince even myself.
Mio-mio is upstairs in the bathroom now. There wasn't much to-do about it at all. It gives me a chance to observe her closer. She no longer sees the TP as her favorite toy and doesn't quite know where she is. She knows I'm going to feed and pet her and try to get her to play. This morning, I left the bathroom door open hoping she'd resume our morning "love fest" - she would hop on the bed and snuggle while I had my first cup of coffee - but all she did was peek around the door, howl and run back to her new "safe space". It's like she's not really "her".
So, while physically she seems to be OK, something ain't right and it's time to call the vet. It's almost as if she had a stroke or something... or whatever is going on in her intestines is messing with her brain too. Very reminiscent of how Mike withdrew, curled into himself, and his personality changed too, in subtle ways - like he was less "there" more of the time. I've given her time to correct things naturally, if it was just the change of food issue. And she WAS doing better with the poops; but hasn't peed in 24 hrs. That's not good and I can't wait anymore to see if this is going to pass.
There are lots of things that could be making her sick, and if it can be corrected, I think she's got a few more years in her yet.
ETA: well #1 & #2 WORK fine; but due to her howls announcing it, are painful. Appt close by at 2:15.
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OK, blood work came back clean. He figures it's a bacterial UTI and gave her an antibiotic shot. She was happy to get back to her BAThroom CAVE. LOL. Very snuggly again. She'll stay there till tomorrow afternoon... then I'll open doors and see if she ventures out. Might move her food back to the kitchen. Evil mom.
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Poor thing. UTIs are SO painful.
Enough to make you howl.
So glad you got her to the doc for help.
Yay, you and hugs to kitty.
Hope it clears up fast and her pain will be gone asap.
xo
Hops
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Well, it would certainly help if she drank a little more water. :(
The hardest thing for me is her instinct to hide herself away. She broke through my makeshift barrier to the space behind my closet/bathtub again because I left the closet door open... and thought to myself, it would be a good idea to leave the bathroom door open so maybe she'd want to socialize with me more. I'm being selfish and needy and it's hard for me to just leave her alone to her own devices. I should be able to outsmart her, too, ya know?
She's certainly proving that to be sheer egotism. LOL.
Today needs to be a different kind of day for me. No idea what I'm going to get into, but there is a shopping run on the list today. And next week, is my bank run to the BIG city over the mountain... and I need to drop off a whole jeep load of "stuff" for Salvation Army... and take a piece of furniture to Mike's D and see how she's doing.
It's not very nice out today; but it's not wet or freezing cold either. That's about how I feel today.
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Amber:
Kitty will get her bearings soon, I hope. Maybe putting water dishes in all the areas she's comfortable in will help a bit? In her hidy holes, and where you'll eventually want her to go for food?
It's glorious here... just beautiful. I'd sleep outside tonight if DD14 would join me. Let us know how the visit with sd goes.
Lighter
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Notes from the farm:
Mio-mio is back to normal, except she still isn't quite retrained to go in the box yet. Working on it.
Main contractor isn't much of a communicator. I know what I want, told him... and am waiting for him to tell me if he trusts me to measure the windows, or if he wants to do it, so we can price out replacing them.
Thursday, I get a hitch put on the Cherokee, so I can pick up my "ranch wagon" - a side by side UTV, with things like a snow plow, garden disc, and mower. It'll be customized with a tool rack, etc rednecked up a little bit. I have lots of stickers Mike collected. :D
Chimney/woodstove guy will be here Friday. It's definitely their slow time, and all we need to consider is the weather.
I've kinda convinced myself to go on and replace the kitchen counter & sink; I still have a leak - my fix didn't stop it - and it's one of those annoyances, that IMO, makes life harder than it has to be.
I moved a bunch of stuff from downstairs out to the studio; then opened every single box in the studio looking for 3 things. Found 2 out of 3. Shifted boxes around, so when I have an extra set of hands here, maybe this weekend, I can set up my 4x8 table top temporarily - till I can make/find useful storage bases. The downstairs is getting a lot more civilized. Ordered some more shelving for the 1/2 of the garage that's going to become my "pantry" and solved the electrical issue; that contractor will back to permanently solve it.
Got a call yesterday afternoon, while I was taking reference photos of the garden area (have at least 3 apple trees) - one of our shop employees was fine one minute, collapsed and died the next right there in the shop. She had been with us since '99. Everyone's in shock and grieving and were allowed to go home early. Brother called last night and we've tentatively decided to cater any memorial service, if there is one. She had no immediate family and one of her closest friends who has worked with us, since the business started in '76, will fill everyone in on plans.
Monday is trash day, and I'm slowly getting all the cardboard boxes & packing material out. Coming back, I had to stop and wait for two gorgeous German Shepherds to move off to the side. Their human kept right on truckin' for a little until she missed the dogs. This would be Gladys, my neighbor who lives closest to the road. Tiny little thing and as white haired as I am. She is a retired librarian and avid gardener. I'm invited down to visit - she lives alone too and was really chatty. And interesting! Reminds me of Beatrice, at the end of our driveway at the previous homestead. She informed me that her middle name is even more unusual in this day & age: IO - from mythology. We were talking about 1st graders "different names" because she volunteers at the elementary school off and on.
I'm a real sucker for someone who's eyes light up and crinkle in laugh lines, reads as much as I do and is firmly planted in her little corner of God's green earth. She's already offered me starts of some flowers that are taking over her beds. Lupines, Larkspur... something like that. We just babbled over a 100 topics in 10 minutes of me blocking the road. LOL. I think I rescued some of her mail that escaped the box one day. It's one of those mailboxes that has doors on both sides.
My geese are still around; along with a pair of wood ducks. And I've actually the seen gobbler that's stalking the hills looking for a sweetheart. Ronnie & Sam were here yesterday down in the "stomping grounds" and I got a chance to catch up with Ronnie. He'll be back with Mike, this weekend to finish moving those pine trees that fell in the storm and drag the brush over the back side of the pond dam.
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Notes from the farm:
Mio-mio is back to normal, except she still isn't quite retrained to go in the box yet. Working on it. That's a relief.... the back to normaql part... not the working on kitty box; )
Main contractor isn't much of a communicator. I know what I want, told him... and am waiting for him to tell me if he trusts me to measure the windows, or if he wants to do it, so we can price out replacing them. Seemes he can use your measures to give an estimate.... if you accept the price, he can do the measurements for fabrication as he'll be the installer? Whoever is installing should do those measures has been my experience.
Thursday, I get a hitch put on the Cherokee, so I can pick up my "ranch wagon" - a side by side UTV, with things like a snow plow, garden disc, and mower. It'll be customized with a tool rack, etc rednecked up a little bit. I have lots of stickers Mike collected. :D That's going to be so handy, Amber.
Chimney/woodstove guy will be here Friday. It's definitely their slow time, and all we need to consider is the weather.
I've kinda convinced myself to go on and replace the kitchen counter & sink; I still have a leak - my fix didn't stop it - and it's one of those annoyances, that IMO, makes life harder than it has to be. I have plumbing issues right now too..... not large leaks... faucets drip when anything in the house is running. I had a dream last night I had a very bad leak out doors.... in like a kitchen utility area I don't actually have. Weird. The waste of water, with ANY leak even small ones, coupled with raised water bills can really bring on a spiral if I let it. It's just time to deal with it.
I moved a bunch of stuff from downstairs out to the studio; then opened every single box in the studio looking for 3 things. Found 2 out of 3. Shifted boxes around, so when I have an extra set of hands here, maybe this weekend, I can set up my 4x8 table top temporarily - till I can make/find useful storage bases. The downstairs is getting a lot more civilized. Ordered some more shelving for the 1/2 of the garage that's going to become my "pantry" and solved the electrical issue; that contractor will back to permanently solve it. Restoring order.... YES.
Got a call yesterday afternoon, while I was taking reference photos of the garden area (have at least 3 apple trees) - one of our shop employees was fine one minute, collapsed and died the next right there in the shop. She had been with us since '99. Everyone's in shock and grieving and were allowed to go home early. Brother called last night and we've tentatively decided to cater any memorial service, if there is one. She had no immediate family and one of her closest friends who has worked with us, since the business started in '76, will fill everyone in on plans. I'm sorry that happened. I'm driving to check on my SF who had a pretty bad fall... he's missing a lot of skin, and is terribly banged up. Not sure how that happened, but it's not a good sign. It's very nice of you and your brother to give the day off and cater the memorial service.
Monday is trash day, and I'm slowly getting all the cardboard boxes & packing material out. Coming back, I had to stop and wait for two gorgeous German Shepherds to move off to the side. Their human kept right on truckin' for a little until she missed the dogs. This would be Gladys, my neighbor who lives closest to the road. Tiny little thing and as white haired as I am. She is a retired librarian and avid gardener. I'm invited down to visit - she lives alone too and was really chatty. And interesting! Reminds me of Beatrice, at the end of our driveway at the previous homestead. She informed me that her middle name is even more unusual in this day & age: IO - from mythology. We were talking about 1st graders "different names" because she volunteers at the elementary school off and on.
I'm a real sucker for someone who's eyes light up and crinkle in laugh lines, reads as much as I do and is firmly planted in her little corner of God's green earth. She's already offered me starts of some flowers that are taking over her beds. Lupines, Larkspur... something like that. We just babbled over a 100 topics in 10 minutes of me blocking the road. LOL. I think I rescued some of her mail that escaped the box one day. It's one of those mailboxes that has doors on both sides. HOW NICE! One of my neighbors gave me a bucket full of sprouted roots from her Hydrangea bush... a glorisous old thing that produces 80plus lovely white blooms that go lime green and stay that way..... LOVELY! I'm glad you have a new friend.... I'm glad she has dogs. Any more thoughts about getting one yourself?
My geese are still around; along with a pair of wood ducks. And I've actually the seen gobbler that's stalking the hills looking for a sweetheart. Ronnie & Sam were here yesterday down in the "stomping grounds" and I got a chance to catch up with Ronnie. He'll be back with Mike, this weekend to finish moving those pine trees that fell in the storm and drag the brush over the back side of the pond dam.
How was visit with SD? You sound so busy and engaged, Amber: )
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Sheesh. I'm in two steps forward one step back mode lately.
Kitty is better - in that she's going potty at least once a day. But she started hiding last week again... just as I was getting ready to clean the stinky mess at the bottom of the steps... I had to give the space back to her again. For a couple days. She's in my bathroom now and I'm trying to collect urine samples for the vet. I've ordered some homeopathic water additive and I'm feeding her canned food in an attempt to keep her from getting too dehydrated. She didn't eat much yesterday.
I don't know if I'm calling the vet and struggling to take her in again or not. She is "herself" - just not feeling well. Everything is working; even if it's not in the box. In the bathroom, I get to love on her bunches and she enjoys that a lot. She's not really playing with her toys. She's happy with this arrangement and not in pain... so I'm just being with her and snuggling.
I've been in a space where I could sense death and grieving and bereavement all around me (not mine personally so much; though that is there too). Online friends; even Holly lost an acquaintance. My guy in charge - who just had an employee die on the shop floor a week ago - is in FL with his wife; her Dad is having surgery and during the pre-op visit, his wife started having chest pains and the doc sent her by ambulance to the ER. By the time the family caught with her -- she was gone. But the number of people affected by this "grief/death" energy seems even bigger than people I'm personally aware of... and it weighed on me. I think it's lifting now; and I'm moving into a different feeling space. Just had to wait it out and be careful not to add any more to it for a little while.
I picked up and brought home my UTV Monday. It's a work vehicle - snow plow for the front and garden disc and mower for the back. It has a winch and a bed for hauling things around and I got the tool rack mounted for shovels, rakes etc. And I have a trailer now! This is how I made the 2 hr trip home with it. My hunting guys were here looking for turkeys, when I got back and they helped me drop the tools off the front & back. The trailer gives me the ability to bring home loads of stone, block, dirt, building materials, etc.
Now I need a barn to put all my garden type stuff in. LOL. That's the next project.
Still in a holding pattern with the contractor to replace windows, doors and build more wall on the house. Good thing I have a list of other ones to call. And same with the beach house sale - my buyers had gotten a good solid contract on their house one day; and the next they terminated it because they believe they can build a house for the same money. I let the realtor talk me into extending the due diligence time frame for their financing a month, but after that, I'm pretty sure my patience will be gone and we'll reactivate the listing.
Looks like I'm going to need a fireplace insert and new woodstove, in order to have wood backup heat so that's a new thing on the list. And I've called the auction company about maybe picking up some large things in my way around here that I don't want and selling them. My hunter guy is interested in my riding mower - and I'm making him a deal on it since he helps out so much. That's another of chunk of space I'll gain. What I can't mow with the UTV, will need a push mower. The riding mower is too big and unstable on my hills. And I don't plan to mow often... it's fascinating watching the wildflowers come up in the area around the house. Goldfish pond needs someone to figure out the equipment or replace it; I have no clue - but there are lots of baby fish.
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Well that's a lot going on, Amber. Your ability to do things on your own has increased..... a very good thing, IME.
::nodding::
The home improvement list sounds like it's coming along, and you're bartering and strengthening connections..... another good thing.
Lots of little fish in your fish pond...... promising. Is the fish pond something you're happy about, or is it something you're feeling iffy about? I love ponds, and cultivating moss, but watch for snakes.
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Eh - it needs to run aerator & pump & be cleaned from all the tree dirt and leaves that falls into it. The frogs like it. And I imagine I'll have a nice crop of mosquitos too. The kids think it adds a "zen" touch to the cliff... in my mind, it's just one more thing I need to take care of and none of us know how to manage a pond or all the equipment with it. Electrical stuff & water kinda freaks me out. I'd rather not deal with it.
The big pond, however... is a whole different issue and it's more of a resource (fish raising) than a decoration.
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Wow Skep you're so busy! I'm glad that kitty is doing a little better but sorry to hear of the deaths around you, particularly your shop employee. I'm glad she has you to organise something for her if she doesn't have family to do it. Your neighbour sounds lovely (as do her dogs!). Your UTV sounds like my son's dream vehicle!
I'm with you on fish ponds - so much more work than they appear and very easy to kill off the inhabitants. Ours was filled in by the previous tenants when they moved out and I'm glad they did, I wouldn't have wanted to deal with it. Even keeping fish indoors turned into an epic saga; eventually they went to live with a man on our road who had a lovely pond (and knew what to do with it).
It's nice reading your updates, I hope kitty continues to find her feet again x
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It would be a shame to fill in the little pond, Amber.... but maybe it's an option.
The larger pond...... raising fish...... that brings me joy just to think about.
Lighter
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Lighter, it seems like a mosquito farm to me - and I already have a problem with bees, wasps & hornets - who are - guess what? - attracted to constant water sources. I LIKE bees; detest wasps; and those big fat hornets too. But not swarming around my house. (I have several ideas/plans to deal with that.) Of course, getting the mechanicals working again should help with skeeters. I have equipment here - but the kids couldn't get things running and I have no clue - so I have to call someone.
I don't feel busy. Quite the opposite. I feel like I'm still procrastinating on the "big sort"... my physical fitness plan and diet (going to slowly migrate to a more ketogenic style of eating). I still spend gobs of time reading stuff online instead of working around here. And I'm conflicted about waiting till the remodel is done before getting back to interior/design stuff and needing storage/functional pieces for things I'm keeping but can't "put away" yet. And the uneasy sense that I'm not really taking care of myself - that I can't attribute to anything concrete... which ties into the fact that since I'm alone a lot... I don't have any external validation sources, or someone to bounce ideas or crazy thoughts off of, except myself or the cat. So, I'm feeling a little "lost in space" I guess.
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Panic.
My mom called; informed me that she and my niece (brother's D) will be here the 3rd week in June. About the time the window/door remodel is in full swing... along with my version of a "barn" raising. She's left two messages already; I haven't picked up. I wonder if my brother knows about this plan?
Part of me wants to explain what's going on and that I won't be able to "visit"; nevermind the fact that I'm trying to get up there this year for the shop board meeting... and I'll see her then. And part of me, is insisting that I oughta be grown up enough at this point to withstand this invasion of my project/retreat space and all the negativity she's going to bring about WHAT I've chosen to do and HOW it's getting done... and how I choose to live through it. (Early mornings; long days; house is going to be a disaster as far as organization.) The less she knows, the freer I feel; the more I feel I own this and it protects me and am not beholden to anyone else's version of "what it can be".
I'll have to run down to the little cabin and get the incense, to remove the evil spirits after she's gone.
Yeah, it's like that.
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(((((Amber)))))
Ai yi yi. Summoning inner Carolyn Hax, only one idea: it is not visitors', even the most nuclear of biological relatives', purview to inform or announce that they are coming to be in your home at a date you have not agreed to -- for any reason whatsoever.
That's a thing. In adulthood, that really is a thing.
Hax (Washington Post) is full of great assertiveness scripts about this exact thing.
You DO get to set a boundary, breathe, and endure blowback (but only briefly).
love,
Hops
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So... I mustered my experience with Nboss & mom... and bearded the lion in her den. Explained a) you may not have any place to park; I have plans for work around here till October; and she backed off and said that week was tentative. Go figure.
She has health issues - the usual combination of things in geriatrics - that makes this a really bad plan, if you're relying on an 18 yr old, anyway.
And yes, I got the full onslaught of mega-negativity about things going on up there by way of explanation of why she wants to get niece away from there "to talk to her". Poor niece. And once I talk to my brother, between him and her health problems, I have a feeling this trip isn't going to happen. I don't think she wants me to yell at her again about how selfish and inconsiderate she is, like I did while I was moving (and in the process, forgot to pack all my checks - my friend found them when we went back to pick up a few things and do another thorough walk through).
I used to read Hax, quite a bit when I was still getting the Post.
Anyway, I decided I wasn't going to be able to do anything else - or have it go well - unless I took care of this problem FIRST. It even disturbed my sleep. I have to protect myself and reserve the right to stretch the truth SOME, in order to do so. I think she got the idea that whatever little fantasy she has about how things would go on her visit here, wasn't going to be totally in her control.
LOL. I can toss her crap right back at her - and mirror her that way. It's not what she wants, but OH WELL.
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Well, I was TIRED yesterday afternoon after making the effort to get past the "mother thing"... and stop letting it occupy my mind and driving down to pick up my mower. So I took the afternoon "off"... and around suppertime I saw a dark blob out of the corner of my eye... and then heard a "meooooowwwwl" outside. Pretty gray tabby cat on my porch. Friendly too. Wants me to pet it... and it spent the night on the porch and woke me up this morning.
THAT got miomio's attention! They faced off on either side of the glass doors. She hasn't said yet it if it's OK to let the kitty in - but it kinda looks like she does want the company. Only one hissy-fit. So it looks like I have to give kitty some breakfast and a box & a towel to cuddle up in - it's very chilly here this morning. Then I HAVE to go into the city today. Kitty can't come in - altho he/she wants to - just yet. Seems healthy enough... but mio-mio being so skitzy and taking forever to get better, I just don't want to stress her. This visitor is a typical gray tabby barn cat type... and just will not let me alone out here. LOL.
And yes, kitty is HUNGGGGRY. Looks like its been an in/out cat - sure does want to follow me inside.
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::crossing fingers new barn kitty helps miomio's feel better::
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We'll see lighter. Kitty snuck in over my feet last night - but I was able to catch her(?), pickup and carry her to the door. She was still at the door bright & early.
mio-mio only eats when I'm there with her; brushing or petting her. She had a good bit of tuna & cod liver oil last night... and then she ran the steps a few times and delivered one kitty "snack". ("Kitty snacks" derives from dogs dining out of cat boxes... )
Mio-mio is still camped out under a recliner; the one I bought for Mike before we were told that he was going right to hospital bed. (It's in "time out" in the basement...) Kitty is now inside - and I fed her in the kitchen. She has all the mannerisms of a young cat; even chewing on my fingertips - but she's BIG. I think there might be a little Maine Coon in this one... but the voice is pretty much siamese. Needs a Viking name once I decide he or she for sure. It's a real pest for attention...
I went to the big city yesterday to spec out my windows/doors so that the contractor can come and measure and get them ordered. Then it'll be 3-4 weeks before they get started. Tuesday, I picked up the mower for my UTV - and managed the trailer hitch up/unhitch all by myself. (Wore myself out too) But I'm waiting till I get some manly help - unless Holly thinks she can manage - before hooking it up. I've still got to tear down the old garden: pathetic fence, move concrete blocks and a couple tires. Then I need to mow there - so that the concrete guy can determine if it's flat enough to build forms/pour and finish the floor for my barn. It's the flattest place on the property - LOL. But it could have a little slope to it - measured in inches not feet.
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Skep you have got so much going on I feel tired just reading it! How are you keeping track of it all, do you have things written down all over the place or do you just keep it all in your head?
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I spend half my lazy day imagining what I could do to my home and yard IF I had the resources, but your accounts inspire me to stop that. Instead, I need to go-minimal and imagine what I can do NOW, myself, with existing back/body issues, small scale, and take all the large-scale joy in that I know I could.
Write on, PR! It must be a thrill to have such an expansive home project going on. All in all, it's a wonderful choice because you thrive on complexity, challenge, and creativity. Just pace yourself and scale up or down according to your own best interests.
I can imagine it's going to be gorgeous, and hope one day there'll be a way to post some non-identifying pix here to share the dream.
hugs
Hops
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Hops, right now it's big projects because that's the foundation for the lots & lots of little things that one day I'll see it for the 1000th time and THAT'S the moment I'll deal with it. Tupps - I do have lists of things that I mostly never look at it, because once I write it down then I can keep it all in my head and let gravity do it's thing. What I mean is, the important stuff that affects how well the house functions has to be taken of FIRST - because otherwise I'm decorating twice. Yes, I've put some curtains/blinds up - but that was to tide me over till this season when I take windows out & put windows in. My propane bills were outrageous because 1) so many of the appliances are propane and 2) the move took so much out of me - and the little inconvenient problems cropped up so fast - that weeks went by before I fed the firebox with wood in the garage/studio.
The barn is just to have storage next to where the garden area is - for the big gas powered tools, the minimum number of pots & flats I brought and all the hand tools. It seems silly to have to spend 1/2 an hour walking back - and then searching for the tool I need right there in the garden - and then walking back to the garden. Not efficient use of energy/time. It'll be workshop, potting shed, summer kitchen, etc... and should increase the shelter for the hunters when they're here next fall. I have 3-4 different wagons I use but it seems I always forget something when I'm "editing" things outside.
The barn also gives me space to set up my own woodworking tools in the studio garage, so it's step one of a process. And the windows weren't installed/insulated properly and leaked a LOT of heat & air. Some won't open; some won't close or stay closed; company is out of business because their product had issues like these. Big projects first - then I can piddle with all the little things that flit through my mind.
I found a new heavenly store to get lost in this week - a lumber company - LOL. Almost as orgasmic as a hardware store - hee hee! It's like walking into a fabric shop or art supply store with all the bits & pieces of goodies to make things. I'm a kid in a candy store in those places. Shoe stores bore me - LOL.
But all these projects are weather-dependent. And it seems we're having the second coming of the deluge that inspired Noah to build an ark this spring. Highly unusual in this area. I'm not complaining though, because since I didn't rush to mow - I can see the clumps of native woodland wildflowers pop up, the native herbs, and I can tell from where the grass is knee-hish and thick where the best topsoil is. I've had good teachers to learn all this and the lessons help me manage the projects in a sensible fashion, in harmony with the place - disturbing as little as possible. And the pond is full too.
The rhodis are blooming now and I need to be thinking where to plant perrenials among my rocks. I should've tarped my new mower that's still still on the trailer, but I didn't. Just too many other things to keep up with. I hope it doesn't hurt it.
There is a cat that showed up outside here. BIG cat with kitten mannerisms, very tame & lovey, who INSISTED I was her new human. Compared to mio-mio - who's hanging in there - she's huge. This is definitely an in/out cat - with her main preference being out. No name yet, since I'm still looking for names for female Viking giants - LOL. I left her outside the first couple nights thinking if she was a stray she'd go back home. Nope. I even went into the city 1/2 a day and kitty comes to say hi after I settled in again. Well, so be it.
I'm noticing that if I deny mio-mio places to hide, she acts a lot more normal. Right now, she's in my office because Holly is coming out today and might be bringing Boggs. She doesn't like the dog in any case and he loves kitties. She's not losing weight; isn't going potty that I can see/smell; and except for the hiding behavior really doesn't seem that worse for wear. New kitty got her attention and spunked her right up too - a bit of jealousy. I'll gradually introduce them and see what happens. New kitty is a cuddler - lap cat - and slept with me last night. Mio-mio never was a lap cat.
That's all the news that is news around here.
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That's a lot of news, Amber.
I like reading the pond is full, you're planning to plant things with efficiency, and the new kitty is now loved and cared for.
Having a summer kitchen..... will that be for the hunter's use also?
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So, I did something for myself - and for Twiggy - that might freak y'all out about me. I had enough anxiety about it, myself, for all of ya.
I took a defensive handgun class last weekend. It's not my first either. 5 years ago, I had one on one training with a sweet old soldier and passed the NRA's basic pistol class. Shot my 10 on target immediately, which is good, because it was March and we were both freezing in the wind. LOL. The class to qualify for my conceal carry permit came the year after that - and was a nightmare from Twiggy's perspective - because the qualifying wasn't organized around safety rules and once again I was put in a position with live fire around me with people I didn't know; didn't trust; and they didn't know what they were doing.
After that, Mike & I would go to the range and try out some of his latest acquisitions and simply throw lead downrange. Not TRAINING - just shooting - because I thought I needed to try to stop flinching at the sound. Except that situation opened up a whole new area of distrust of myself about being able to do the right thing, at the right time, in a life/death situation. Then, I carried while I travelled - but I hadn't shot at all - for about 2 years.
Now, living "out" like I do... alone... distracted by movies or whatever... knowing there are bears here and hearing coyotes at night I had to face that decision again. There are also the occasional bad people here. Narcotics addicts, meth labs, etc. I could suddenly find myself in a situation where I needed a gun -- and it wasn't ON me; it "over there, in the safe, on the UTV" - whatever. Oh sure, I can call my chaperone, 911. And it will be 1/2 an hour before they can get here.
So I ante'd up the cost of a class with someone who's had combat experience; a professional. And bam! my anxiety went bonkers. This goes beyond the rule about "respecting" what guns are for. It's about whether I had the physical strength, the mindset, and whether or not I could keep my attention on what I was doing, long enough, to learn what I need to practice before I attain any skill worth relying on. And the confidence in my own self-control to make correct decisions.
There were only 2 moments my brain kinda "split" in two and I didn't "know" what to do to correct the situation. First was at the beginning, using the small gun I usually carry in a purse - I couldn't get it out of the holster. Instructor asked if I wanted to change guns - I had a new one I'd never shot that I brought as a back up. I was off running to do that in a heartbeat, so I didn't slow down the class. And it did work MUCH better.
For that gun, I'd bought a retention holster - and had to learn to operate it smoothly to draw, along with the fundamentals of drawing itself and shooting the gun. But it never got in my way after that. The second time was late in the afternoon, and we were to draw/shoot with our weak hand. Well, first it's impossible to operate the retention mechanism on the holster with my left hand - so we accomodated. But then, for some reason - loss of strength that late in the day, a sudden brain fart, I just couldn't pull the trigger with that hand. The instructor was RIGHT THERE, and asked what was wrong while my brain was spiraling up into an emotional mess... and the words: I'm just not comfortable doing this came out of my mouth. He said, It's OK, just don't do it. And then I was past it.
The next day, the same skill came up again, shooting from behind concealment - and I could do it.
I'm no Wyatt Earp, but I now have the basics of training in my head, and what results I'm looking for, and lot of tips to improve my aim and shot placement and know how to clear fail to fires... so that I'm confident I can practice alone or at home with those of my family that shoot. And I NEED to practice frequently and stop before I get tired, until I build up the strength I need in my upper back, shoulders, arms, wrists and hands.
Holly keeps asking the same question, over & over: why do you feel like you NEED to carry? versus WANT to carry? (And she shoots, well.) And the reason is very simple: Twiggy KNOWS that the kind of trouble that puts you in a life/death situation doesn't schedule an appointment. I may never ever need to draw to defend myself or my family. And I'd be grateful for that. But if I NEED to, I want to KNOW that I can do so, with some skill and not be a "loose cannon" and endanger someone I care about foolishly. I don't WANT to take another life either; but if they mean to harm me or my family - I want to be able to stop them.
Twiggy's attacker laughed at her, for her feeble imitation of Bruce Lee skills. He was a solder; trained and risen through the ranks to Captain. Twiggy was a skinny, 85 lb when wet, 12 year old. And now that I'm 60, I can't run anymore like she could. Twiggy could and did fight when she had no choice. And I'm not going to leave her defenseless now. For me and her, this is just the logical outcome of processing what happened to her and finding a way to restore the confidence and trust between us, and doing what I can, to try not to be a victim again.
I'm fairly sure that if Twiggy hadn't been through all that trauma, and lived the reality of a deadly attack... that a) I'd never have had a phobia about pistols and b) I never would've cared to have one around me. But all that changed, having lived through a life/death situation. Life makes us who we are now. Like it or not. And we just need to find a way to live with that without being jerks, living with constant fear, or not understanding how we got this way. So, facing the fear and finding a way to overcome it was necessary.
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So so smart to practice and train the ways you'll defend yourself, if necessary, Amber.
That this trainer is drilling deployment, and use in different situations sound reassuring, IME.
One thing's for sure... a gun is the best equalizer between a small person and larger assailant. I hope Twiggy finds her comfort zone with this.... and that you do too.
You might want to think a home invasion scenario through... just in case. How many doors can you put between you and an intruder.... lines of retreat, and a safe room with a phone, weapon, and sturdy door, etc.
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I think it's good that you're making Twiggy feel safer, Skep, and it sounds practical given where you live now and the fact that help is a bit of a drive away. Quite a few years ago now I read an article about making your inner child feel safer (this was in relation to sexual abuse) and the suggestion was so simple; a wind chime or bell of some sort over your bedroom door so that no-one can get in without you knowing and a mirror hanging opposite it for the same reason. I was living on my own so there was no practical risk to me at all but I tried it and it really worked. So I think anything that comforts or soothes old hurt, however it got there, is a good thing. And always good to keep learning new skills as well, keeps the mind sharp :) x
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LOL... I have chimes on the porch... and a mirror that will reflect anyone coming through my bedroom door... an outdoor guard cat... and an indoor one.
Queenie was so cute the other morning - she spent the night out - and woke me up meowing outside my bedroom window. All I could see was 2 big ears and almond shaped eyes... LOL. She's a big kitty. Smells like moss and the woods.
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LOL... I have chimes on the porch... and a mirror that will reflect anyone coming through my bedroom door... an outdoor guard cat... and an indoor one.
Queenie was so cute the other morning - she spent the night out - and woke me up meowing outside my bedroom window. All I could see was 2 big ears and almond shaped eyes... LOL. She's a big kitty. Smells like moss and the woods.
Aw I love cats! Has Queenie adopted you permanently now then, Skep, she sounds very happy :)
Both of our immediate neighbours have loads of cats, six in one home, four in the other. Then there are various other homes with one or two cats each on our road. We got home the other day and it was lovely and sunny and there were eight cats all sunning themselves on next door's driveway, looked like a holiday home for cats :) x
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Over here, we have jokes about "crazy cat ladies"... they could have dozens of cats and it still wouldn't be enough. It's kind of an offshoot of the hoarding tendencies: people try to fill the hole of a big loss with what's near by. I may be getting another one of Holly's "used cats". This one has been a bone of contention between her and Matt the whole time they've been together. (Years now) Mister - short for Mr. Whiskerkins Mc Winklestein - is a huge black Tom with a thug mentality. He and I haven't gotten along well, because I want to snuggle him and he wants to bite me. He's also been relentlessly spoiled.
Queenie is kinda like that too. But only when SHE wants to be. And she DOES wish to be outside - day or night - as it suits her. She'll meow to ask me let her out... and she KNOCKS to be let in. Weirdest thing I've ever seen a cat do. And she's very smart and very much "in shape". I watched her play in my long grass - bounding over tufts, bouncing up tree trunks, while going down to the stream for a drink - and hunt little critters. I should have fewer chipmunks now, I think. She and mio-mio are still not buddies... so I have no idea what will happen to my house, if the big bruiser Mister joins the menagerie. He's an older cat, so I tend to think he'll lay down the law.
Mio-mio has good days & not so good days. She has come upstairs to jealously guard me from the "invader", but has an obvious preference and need to have the downstairs to herself. She used the box one day - and the tile floor in the bath downstairs the next. Sigh. Eyedroppers of cod liver oil on her crunchies is definitely helping, along with the UTI remedy... but she's still withdrawn and hiding. And it has nothing to do with Queenie being around.
Me, is in transition again. From what to what... is anyone's guess.
I've been shifting my schedule, early to bed - early to rise. With the upcoming stream of contractors (I hope) and service people coming through here I need to be up and awake and dressed before they show up at 8 am. I'm starting to gradually shift over to more of a keto diet. And still fighting/struggling with guilt whiplash - when I sell something of Mike's or do something just for me, even retail therapy for the stuff I really need.
I guess I'm trying to find my "zone"... where I'm most effective. Right now, with crazy weather hitting about the time I'm ready to work outside (and can't)... I'm a tad frustrated. The logistics of dealing with trash here is also an issue; the UTV is helping, but I can just BARELY get it turned around at the end of my road without "borrowing" a bit of the west facing land of traffic on the highway. Still, it's better than trying to pull out and go up the road a bit - and trying to see oncoming traffic through the leafed out trees. I can definitely relate to how people have been killed trying to do that in that spot.
Cardboard is mostly what I have to deal with; but I'll be tearing down the old garden fence too. I don't think it's going to be hard - it's all rusty and half falling down as it is.
No word yet on the buyers for the beach house; we extended their financing deadline to June 7, when THEIR buyers backed out on them. But they are enrolling their kids in school at the beach for fall... so... fingers crossed.
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Lots of crazy cat ladies here as well, Skep, although I always think cats somehow find people that will take them in and take care of them :) I would love to see a cat knock to be let in, lol. Ours has been known to sit by the cat flap and miaow until someone opens the door for her. I think they just like to push it and see how much they can make their owners do. I am embarrassed to admit that ours won't go out in the snow on her own, so I have been found shivering in the garden waiting for the cat to do what she needs to. I don't go to this much effort for people!
I find it easier to be up and ready when people are coming over, for whatever reason. I know someone who happily sits in her pyjamas if people come before she's dressed but that always leaves me feeling a bit out of sorts so I get why you want to be up early and ready for them.
Guilt is hard to deal with, whatever the situation or reason for it so I hope that starts to settle down a bit for you soon.
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I've had time and space - mental space - to listen a lot more closely to the guilt process. My T used to say that I lived in a very small "place" - LOL. Despite my insatiable curiosity, I do best with not a lot of external input. So, tv is very limited - and given the amount of NLP and subtle manipulation going on in that medium - that's a good thing. I still spend way too much time online - reading, thinking, discussing and analyzing - and trying to help others, in little ways. And I'm aware of the same techniques going on in that medium, too. I wonder if the people behind it realize that some of us are "immune" to it, given our life experience?? LOL.
So, Michael's gone. And he left me all his "stuff". He was a huge part of my "small space" and because of some mysterious vulcan-mindmeld that we had between us... he was a big part of ME. That left a hole for a number of months, until I figured out ways to realize that I didn't have to let go of everything that we were together. I could keep that. But the stuff was also "mine" now too. And each item carries a visceral reminder of him - both the sweet and the irritating - that in some ways still registers in my feelings as "his stuff".
As I've lived through this process of reclaiming me and my life... I've had a realm of decisions to make about that "stuff". I say realm, because each small thing has a keep/let go decision attached to it and he had a LOT of stuff, believing that he who dies with the most toys, wins. The two sides of those decisions are my practical side: how many knives or plug bars do I really NEED... and the emotional side of "oh, I remember how pleased he was to find and get this". (And yes, I dread going through the music and movies! For now, they're neatly - though not alphabetical as he insisted - shelved.) So, sometime there's a negotiation that goes on about keep/let go.
Recently, I've sold his Harley - which went to a good home and has a good story attached to it. That's something Mike would really like. I took less than the real book value, but it helps encourage a young lady who's worked hard to be independent and take care of herself. She knows bikes, too. I sold his mower to my "chaperone" - again at a bargain rate, because I know he's trying to get the wherewithal together to build on some land he owns and he's helped me a lot here. And the '78 CJ that I bought - because he pointed it out to me and was so proud of he took pictures and made a book of them - is now on display for sale in a prominant location this weekend. We called it "The Beast" - and the little I've driven it, the more I'm glad I stuck that name to it. It fits. I have no business whatsoever trying to drive this thing enough to keep it from rotting where it sits. A pickup truck would get more use in my current/future life here. Mike only drove it to show it off, too.
So, the bike sale would've pleased Mike. His D kinda wanted it - but she is too short for it and already flies helicopters - and has his Mustang convertible. I would've felt bad about giving her something else dangerous to mess around with. Her mom will someday thank me. But selling his mower - which I had no idea how to steer (it's a zero-turn) and the Jeep - had guilt whiplash come with it. I can't predict what will do this. I sold 2/3s of his gun collection without it bothering me at all... even though I can clearly recall when we bought it. Almost all these were purchased and just put away and they took up a huge amount of space. And I only have two hands... I felt the collection was a liability (even though I'm still shooting) and it weighed heavily on me. It was a relief to have them gone.
But both the jeep and mower, kicked my butt. It was like cutting out a piece of myself, deliberately shutting Mike out... abandonment, almost. And so much of our relationship was the constant conflict over how much space his "stuff" took up - stuff he didn't use much; just wanted to "have" - that letting this go was a lot like letting HIM go, again. Yes, it's "good" stuff... but I either have no use for it, am not capable of using it, or simply already have so many things in that "category"... that I want to reduce the number to create SPACE to DO THINGS. Instead of just store it.
So the guilt, self-sabotage reflex pops up to "punish me" for being a cold-hearted bitch. Sigh. That was his worst come-back, when I'd dig my heels in and give him an ultimatum about say - getting rid of a lot of his magazines. He loved to look at magazines and catalogs of more stuff - that he didn't do, used to do, or wanted to do - but never, ever took the first step TO DO. "Mikey's world" was fun to a degree, but it was all fantasy. Me, I need some real stuff that nurtures the feeling of "I did that"... which leads to more... "I can do that"... and finding out that nothing bad happens as a result.
I'm finding there's a whole lot of widows out there in the wide world. And we are all different types of people and struggle with all the different parts of the process of becoming a whole, single person again. I'm helping where I can and am needed. And cheering the million ways these women are putting themselves back together again. Some them are returning the favor, too.
The practical side of me, knows that I would make faster progress around here with a man in my life. It's just a fact of their physical ability and how their minds work. But because I do live in such a small world - I really don't get a LOT of exposure - I haven't turned up anyone interested in the job, or that I could tolerate. LOL... not terribly romantic, I know. But I do tend to run that question through my head about each and every one of them... could I be 1/2 of that whole? And the romantic side still exists, but I figure what I had with Mike was all anyone could ask for in a lifetime. To look for and actually expect that again... is greedy. So it's pretty low on the priority list. I'm willing to let fate and destiny do their thing about that, for me, at this point. And I enjoy the crap outta all my "rent-a-men"... because I don't have to feed or housebreak them.
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(((sKeP)))
I'm glad you're moving ahead, making space, and paying attention to what comes up as you go.
It's painful to let things go.... it is.
I'm feeling squeezed and compressed myself at times over letting things go. Not enough space to DO and BE as you say.... too many things, and most things have emotional attachments. Your post was so familiar.
::shaking head::
And some of the things make me sad..... which makes this harder, IME.
I will say that recovering and moving on is getting easier with practice. I'm mostly in a productive calm space with bouts of struggle around the decision making process. I talk myself out of trees every day, then get to feel good about it. Like cracking the LIGHTER code. Writing my personal rule book on problem solving and coping strategies.
My children and I go on holiday in about a month and I've planned an estate sale before that, date to be determined, so there's pressure.... I do my best work under pressure.
::nodding::
As always, opening up clean clear sunny floor space brings joy, and serenity.... always worth the effort, IME.
The hard part is the letting go, with occasional pangs of regret when I feel I need something I've let go. Those times aren't worth the gains, IME. The very hardest things will be dealing with all the legal papers..... what to do? What to do? Hmmm.....
I'm looking for a smaller 4wd vehicle.... I have a large truck, which is handy, but gets crap mileage. I need something DD16 can share with me, and I've just begun that search.
You sound centered, and aware..... pushing your way into expanding your little world.
I'm interested in the next phase for you: )
For us all.
Lighter
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It's funny the things a person latches on to, attaches to, in the attempt to process all the feelings of a big loss. Outlander, started out as a series of novels - and I was reading those during the "blooming" of my relationship with Mike. A terribly elaborate romantic novel, with a historical angle to it, since the woman protaganist travels back in time to meet the love of her life. Well, it's being turned into a tv series and the bait of men in kilts was just too much for me. Especially since I was familiar with the story from reading it anyway. The finale of the last season is one of the saddest ever.
Claire had gone back through the stone to her own time, birthing Jamie's daughter and raising Bree with her "future" husband, Frank. It's 1968. Frank passes, and Claire & Bree go to Inverness for the funeral of Frank's dear friend and cohort in historical research... and Claire visits the battlefield at Culloden where dear Jamie most likely died, along with the rest of his clan and the highlanders. And she finally says goodbye.
I've watched this for the 3rd time now - immersed in my own feelings in my "splendid isolation" here. And the tears are less, the sadness is lifting, and I think it's time for me to say goodbye too. Of course, it was November 24th, 2015 when I held him as he left life and me. But so much lived on in my feelings and routine and all his "stuff". And in me. Watching this yet again, lets me see that I intentionally have to let the idea of him go too. To leave him... in a good way... because I'm still here and he's not. Like time travel through ancient druidic stones.
It feels big, but not overwhelming. And except for my projects around here - which I'm still struggling to find the physical energy/harmony of timing/ etc to get moving with a little more speed - I have all the time in the world to explore this and what comes next, in a leisurely fashion.
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I'm feeling sad about Mike too, almost as though I knew him.
Amber, I'm glad you acknowledge the process of your grief. It's powerful to hear you respect what it is, allow it the time and space it demands, and observe how it changes. You will always miss Mike and yet, you really are moving forward.
I'm sure the "stuff" does make it harder to let him go, but as you deal with that, you open space of all sorts.
I'm curious (for selfish reasons)...do you mind sharing how you and Mike met in the first place?
Back to stuff...my 90 y/o lady is freaking out over her accumulations of too many clothes, and even a house (have only seen the outside so far but we plan to go) that her family can't yet sell because it's still full of stuff. And what I'm noticing most is that her HEAD is full of the stuff, questions about the stuff, concern about not having disposed of/sorted/dealt with/prepared properly for storage/donated/let go of...the STUFF.
It's adding so much stress, guilt, worry and anxiety to a time that could be serene, full of music, friends, reflection. She's running away from what is real. Can't blame her, I do it too. But I see the consequences and it's a warning to me. She's created an over-complex life and pruning it for her own health is beyond her ability now.
love
Hops
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I had been hired on F/T as faculty for a community college - teaching what I "did" in real life - printing, graphics, etc with computers. A big part of the program was adult training and helping people keep their jobs, in the face of a corporate decision to "go digital". The program had been struggling to get off the ground for numerous reasons - but classrooms were to be built! Specially designed mini-pressroom (OHSA approved) and a computer lab! It was like handing an artist their very own custom studio... and it came with a paycheck and state benefits. LOL.
Just before the semester started I was at work trying to get settled in and met with the Dean of Finance for something, after doing all my personnel stuff. He asked me if I'd approved the plans for the new building yet. (It was actually an addition.) The morning of my first day... and I asked him - WHAT PLANS?? He said: Go find Mike. He'll explain it all to ya. And so he did. Those two had a special relationship - the Dean and Mike. Mike never really had a dedicated office anywhere on campus; but he was always where he was needed and made things happen. He was a "Capital Project Manager".
It was years after that - and many an informal "compare notes" meetings about the usual "palace intrigue" that goes on in ivory towers - that we recognized that we worked really well together and the interest in each other could go waaaaaaayyyyy beyond two bonded team members. It started out as a meeting of the minds - we pushed each other intellectually to grow - and it deepened from there. Both of us dragged the other kicking & screaming into new things. Our insecurities weren't the same ones - so, together we meshed into a "whole" and nurtured the other. Like how a tree trunk with two separate stems merges into one.
And that was a healthy "enmeshment" - unlike the kind we've talked about here before. What Dr. G said in his interview about relationships: being strong enough to be vulnerable to another... and trusting that you'll still be safe... || I'm not sure I was strong at that time. Maybe more reckless and desperate, than strong. It was Mike who mentioned to me, while I was babbling on about boundaries that fences need gates, to let people in. And threw me for one of those giant perception leaps. But that's how our minds worked together; the vulcan mindmeld.
His "stuff" bothered me - because of my mom replacing relationships with things; mere symbols of her imaginary relationship with people; she still doesn't see how emotionally unavailable she always has been. He knew that; and insisted I accept that about him. And his fascination with collecting things WAS differently motivated. More of the magpie instinct... something bright & shiny, well-designed & thought out, engineered and functional. Or playful. He was also the "fun meister"... something I really suck at: having fun. If I have an asperger's side - it's right there. I'm really clumsy and awkward about having fun. Don't know how it works; what makes it tick or WHY it's fun.
One of the big connections between us, was when he revealed how deeply he was affected when his Dad died. His whole life changed - he was a senior and had early acceptance and scholarship at MIT. But with his next sibling 7 years younger than he and an even younger sister... he shifted gears, changed his life, his plans, and became his mom's "man of the house". He stayed closer to home, at Va. Tech for a couple years and didn't finish. That was one of his biggest insecurities: not having the "papers" to certify his abilities. I kept pushing him to see that he was still the person - with the same abilities - that didn't really need someone else's validation that he was that good. I watched him blow away investment brokers with his ability to do math in his head. I guess they'd call him a "quant".
And when his Mom passed - and then he started losing old friends - something shifted for him. It was one of those things that just aren't quite verbal - and he was so good at hiding things like that, that even though I could go quite a ways non-verbally - all I knew was he was involved in an inner process of trying to choose something. Some change in HIM. It was deep, subtle and barely noticeable at first. And it went on a couple of years - and then our friends started mentioning it - because I was doing the "leave him be to sort it out and carry on" thing... trying not to think about it. Looking for a way to re-engage him in something new... something bright & shiny... something fun... to wake him up to the ability to go on. Bless him, he tried.
But it wasn't in Valhalla's cards.
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Oh, Amber. Thank you for sharing this.
This is such a moving, poignant account of how you two met and found harbor in each other. And makes it sadder still that Mike was disabled by his losses at the end.
Nothing about his end invalidates the happiness you gave each other.
None of us know quite how the balance will be for us at our own ends. Will we have broken through the last glass ceilings between ourselves and full health and fulfillment?
And even if we haven't, will we know that there is nothing less about us, nothing less valuable about our lives and our loves, whether we leap or crawl over the finish line?
It really doesn't matter, when we have a space in someone's heart. The competition of life becomes absolutely irrelevant.
We lived, we loved, and when we are lucky, we are remembered.
Thank you so much for sharing this story.
love to you,
Hops
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Well, apparently I don't have an immunity to lonliness.
Holly was here for a few days and we reached the "necessary" part of the goal, tearing down the old garden. There's still more clean up out there (too hot for a few days for this old lady to work out there). My friend Debbie was out Sat pm too. But the concrete guy will come out this weekend. I signed the contract with window/door guy too... so he'll call one day and come measure, to order the new ones. So all that will start, if I can ever get back up off my butt again.
It seems the lonliness sets in after the contrast of having someone here. Catching up on all the news, taking stock of each other and how we're REALLY doing (not just how we say/think we're doing)... and calling each other out on it, gently. Or not so gently in the case of Holly & me - LOL. And I get reminded (again) that "who we are" a lot of times is also a reflection of the people around us and vice versa. In my case, what I TRY to do, is also dependent on people around me and I have to ask: why is that?
The long stretches of peace and quiet are necessary for me to even frame questions like that, much less try to figure out the answers. Yes, I have some online friends; and yes, there is a HUGE difference between a friend sitting next to you on the porch and one you have to find out in the chat room, is dealing with an (early; small) breast cancer after losing her hubby earlier this year. It's just not the same as always having someone around day in/day out that you no longer have to do the "dance of the moving boundary" with - you know each other that well. Someone to suggest doing things I'd never pick on my own; never attempt to do on my own; and it turns out fun - or at least satisfying and different.
SOOOOOoooooooo, enter the woman who gathers up her fears & doubts to go where angels fear to tread. I signed up for a free "Our Time" account; online dating. The software threw me 11 "matches" (only based on my location). Sadly, it threw up astrological signs at me - so there went half of those. I just couldn't help myself based on past experience. The guys who even SAID how much money they made got considered; compared to their faces and how much they shared about themselves (usually not much) and all of those went too. They'd unfortunately only see my checkbook balance. There were a couple "over the mountain" that a) weren't bad looking and b) seemed independent... and the red flag was thrown when they talked too much about how great they were and had a list as long as my arm of what kinds of women shouldn't even bother.
I did better shopping a long time in Home Depot. ;) I think I'm just window shopping too. Like going to a museum and appreciating the Renoirs... fun to do, but I don't need to bring the painting home. That tells me I'm not at all serious about this, or I'm not lonely ENOUGH to do the dance. LOL. And it would be purely entertainment reasons - a pseudo-productive use of time/money - to subscribe to one of those sites. A different way to pass the time - and it does have inherent dangers.
So, the reason I'm "lonely" is because my brain isn't focused on something and physically I NEED to rest. No matter what my expectations are of myself, attempting to keep up with Holly for 3 days as the heat settled in here wore me out. I caught myself (in my head) beating myself up for not moving faster. Really??? All those OLD neural patterns are showing up again??? WTH??
The "I can't" and "I don't wanna" are rearing their heads again... and when I point out that sitting on my butt, playing online all day is a) not important to the world of "creating things" and b) not helping me improve my strength and stamina... I get sulked at. Or rac-y brain - do this, look at that, here's 15 things on the list to do - with no indication of priority. Some days I just hate that "self" that grew out of the intensely awful experience that was so DAMN. LONG. AGO. It let itself be formed in the image of the "poor, doesn't feel good, victim mentality" of my mother...
and it IS NOT ME. It wasn't me BEFORE my "worst day ever"; and it wasn't even me AFTER because I still kept fighting my through the gaslighting, dissonance, scary stuff and anger. This is what Twiggy was SUPPOSED TO BE, per the edict of that day... and that stuff got shoved in the "the box" right along with her.
It is now in my way. Annoying me. Whispering it's seductive lies again. I need to go start up the bulldozer; get it purring; clear some crap outta my way forward. Be right back.
LOL.
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Hi Amber:
Did that bulldozer ride do you some good?
I always feel better when I go into nature, and work.
BTW... I had to laugh when I read about your foray into virtual dating. My youngest dd signed me up a couple months ago, and 2 days later my oldest dd removed my profile, and everything to do with it from the computer. It was interesting, but just not in the cards right now, or I wouldn't have let it go.
When you're ready...... you'll do something about it.
Lighter
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Maybe those voices come back when you're tired, Amber? I know it's when I feel physically less strong that I have the darkest visions of my life.
But tired, at any age, after extreme sustained effort...is just nature slowing you down to rest.
Being tired is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of your body being in communication with its boundaries. The caboose emotion is adrenalin not given a chance to fade.
It's okay to fade. It's not permanent. Think of it as gentle, not failure. Not less.
love
Hops
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I'm breaking down the clustered lump of things into individual "things" to tackle one at a time. Both the tasks and the old/new crap in my head.
Woke this morning with an odd thought in my head: what if... I rechannelled all that "love" energy I directed to Mike, to myself for a bit? Wonder what would happen? Can I even do that without feeling really awkward about it?
And I've been noticing some neuro & vision things pop up, due to how much time I spend on the ipad some days. I got to wondering about the science side of transmitted light/images, the flicker/refresh rate difference between the laptop (pc) and ipad screen. Nothing major, but it seems the longer I'm online - the more apathetic about EVERYTHING I become. And the less motivation I have to tackle those things that I'm doing - for the place, and therefore, for myself. And the more I get into the rut of: it doesn't matter if it's 4 hrs past my bedtime, it doesn't matter when I get up... I don't matter.
This article seemed to validate some of the things that I'm noticing; in particular the bit about autonomy really lined up:
https://www.the-american-interest.com/2015/06/09/your-brain-on-screens/
When I retired, the LAST thing I wanted to spend time with, was a computer. I still haven't bought into the whole smart phone thing; partly the screen is too small and partly because a phone is for talking/texting short, to the point messages - not letting my fingers blather.
But, when Mike started to cling more intensely and not want to let me out of his sight - even if he was sleeping - the ipad was my door to keeping "me" separate, feeding my curiosity, letting me have a way to stay busy - at least mentally. And when I knew he was sick - it kept me connected to all my support network people.
And when he was gone, it got even more important to me to have those connections. But I don't have any anxiety about shutting it off; not about being where I can't get a signal... and I refuse to let it "take over my life". I read Marshall McCluhan as a kid, and he couldn't have imagined then how many assaults on our autonomy, seducements for our attention, or even actual physical impacts these computers, the internet, and even "social" (it's really the total opposite; it's "anti-social" in it's effects) media have on us. My skeptical side even sees a lot of social engineering/manipulation going on too.
Yep; I was one of those who thought this was as big a boon to humanity as Gutenberg's printing press in the beginning. I grew to distrust and hate it, the deeper and deeper I got into it - and studied how people interact (or not) because of it. And y'all know I can turn that microscope on myself - when it occurs to me something's "not right". The computer and all it's marvelous "virtual world" inside is irresistable when a person's boundaries aren't all that strong to begin with and THEN, it insists that no boundaries is "good" and "proper" and virtuous.
So: I'm not going to use my computers for target practice just yet. But in the attempt to create my own productive schedule of being here... a positive self-reinforcing feedback loop... I'm going to set some more limits on the screen; how often I connect my brain to the stuff inside it; so I can spend MORE TIME with myself, in my new space, revisiting old fun things I still like but "haven't gotten around to" and getting myself more physically acclimated to demands of living here.
I've let myself cocoon long enough and shared enough of myself "out there" "online"... and with some really special exceptions... the amount of "real" connections that has come back out of that massive time suck isn't a good ROI. Yes, I have found some really good special friends. And if it weren't for this "tool" it wouldn't have happened.
Living here requires that I engage physically with this place 24/7. And it uses a lot more energy than taking the elevator back & forth to the pool. That's what I wanted; I intentionally chose it; I am getting to know it better and settle in. Time to move on to the next phase.
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AMEN, sister! Preaching to the choir about anti-social media.
I've read some of the research too and I believe it's doing a hugely negative number on human social evolution. Both micro and macro.
What a wonderful realization, and liberating.
But here's an exception!!
love
Hops
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There ARE exceptions like this place, Hops. I "liked" your post. :D
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I've been out playing bushwacker - clearing a decent path for the service guy to get the a/c unit in the studio. Almost there - had to quit for food at lunchtime. My hands hurt from the pruners, so I shifted over to mowing more of the tall grass around the house (I keep pushing it away). And of COURSE, I got bit by something - skeeters, no see ums, I literally did not know I was being bit and the bites are where I was covered, actually. Big, red, hot, itchy welts.
I was getting them when I worked out in the "wilder" areas at the beach too. Somewhere I have lots of suncreen and bug spray. But since it's not the place and it's bugs (happening both places) I have to assume that my allergy to bites has increased, for whatever reason. Nothing I've tried in the past, really helps - not even oatmeal baths. But I remembered the tip I got from a guy who plays "mountain man"... soak black tea bags in cold water, wring out and apply to bite. The tannins in the tea draw out whatever causes the itching.
Passing it on, for anyone else who has this problem and find that NONE of the usual OTC remedies work.
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So Day 4, I think - yesterday - was the very first day that I wasn't totally miserable and trying to deal with the infernal itching from these bites. They ARE no-see-ums; confirmed. And this is the time of year they're most active in tall grass - which is ONE REASON I was trying to get it cut. I know skeeters & such, not to mention small destructive varmints, use that to sneak up to and into the house. I've lived "out" like this before.
So yesterday, I felt finally good enough - that all I could really accomplish was to simply relax and enjoy it. It felt THAT GOOD. Yeah, I still have some spots that if I get heated, start itching again. I am a bug magnet; have always been. So, what I've found out is that the usual bug repellant is useless - DEET may keep other bugs away - but not no-see-ums. I was covered in it the LAST time, I got bit at the beach. Secondly, a good number of people like me have extreme reactions to the bites. Even mosquito bites welt up on me. Part & parcel of an over-active immune system response I think.
The tea bag treatment did work initially - but needed ice pack augmentation and reapplication so often I wasn't able to focus long enough to do much at all. Then, I spotted my big quart bottle of Technu - the hands-down best poison ivy treatment I've found. Rub it in, all over - it removes the irritating oils - and then cool shower. Light moisturizer after drying. I reasoned that if this microscopic fly's saliva was so irritating, maybe something this drastic would remove enough to let my immune response rest a little -- which should stop the itching...
Day 1, I had split a benedryl in half (experience here) to get some antihistimine in my system too. Took the other 1/2 at bedtime... and it still took 2 days for me to get my head "right" after that. The Technu started having an impact, that same day. Swelling, redness & heat went down in some of the bites; others build up a center and those stay itchy longer. Just depends on where they are.
In my research, I found someone DOES make a repellent specifically for these bugs; it's a combination of essential oils - so I've ordered 2 bottles. We'll see if it helps... because I do need to finish mowing the really tall grass before I go back over where I've already mowed. I hated being out of commission so long - because I'm at the point where I CAN do a lot of things to move progress along here, while I wait on contractors.
My slavedriver work kid will be here next weekend, so I need to suck up the rest of my discomfort and get on with it again.
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I'm so excited! The work commences around here!
Tuesday the contractors showed up, and the lead guy set them to work dealing with the windows/doors I wanted removed in the living room and framing it in. After all the windows & doors are done, that will get sided and wood paneling inside to match and then the outside caulked & sealed to freshen up the protection on the wood. Most of the work is getting done with an older guy and his "so green he puts a hammer on the top rail of the 2nd story deck over a cliff" go-fer. Nice and willing kid though. He's learning on the job and is bending a lot of nails, so he doesn't want to lose that hammer! End of the day Tues - they already had the doors out & covered.
Yesterday, a 3rd guy showed up. I'll keep him, I think, if they'll let me. Big, strong, and has grandkids - but doesn't look it to me. They had scaffolding up and the left side windows out & covered by lunchtime. They were going to try to go on and get all the windows out - but the oldest guy ran out to pick up house wrap and the other two got sidetracked. We talked a little (I've been staying out of their way mostly) and then my black snakes came out to play. Guys... snakes... the kid asked if they should kill it and they would've gladly played at that. I said no, he's one of my varmint control team.
Tuesday, I was out trimming up the lower limbs on the trees that are annoying when mowing. Kinda wandered over into the woods a little too, as I need to re-civilize a section over there. Got bit again; skeeters this time - and the welts are almost as bad. So yesterday I did a deep search in boxes to try to find my stash of bug spray. It's DEET, but it's better than nothing. Came up with nada. I swear there's a whole truckload of stuff missing from the move... but since I haven't completely unpacked (almost there) I can't prove that.
Yesterday, while the guys were hard at it, my chimney guy came by and he's going to price out the fireplace insert/woodstove I want. He'll end up doing the installation too after they're delivered. Nicest guy so far and environmentally conscious - so we chatted a bit about my plans for out here. In the afternoon, the guy recommended to pour the concrete pad for the metal garden barn I want came by. He came up with the same old refrain - I've worked out here before but never knew this place was back here. LOL. It'll be 2 weeks before he gets started which is fine by me. Once that's in, I'll initiate the order, sign the contract, then go get my permits.
So this weekend, we'll finish moving the old concrete block to where I'm building kitchen beds along the driveway, boulders and parking area... and clean up as much as possible by the garage/studio for the place where I want the smaller storage shed to go.
Someone called my living room windows, "dramatic" because I have a glorious view. I have to say, that I'm very very pleased about the decision to remove them. The thermometer on the big picture window read 107 degrees Tuesday evening - even though it wasn't even 70 on the other side of the house. You know it's the reverse in the winter, which is why I was going through propane so fast. The light is SO BRIGHT this time of year because of the angle of the sun that it's been bringing on ocular migraines - there are some trees nearby that dapple the sunshine and that kind of strobe effect has always bothered me. Now it's just a 3/8 in piece of plywood and even just the typar over most of the top, and it's already staying cooler inside. And there is still plenty of light. In the winter, the angle of the sun will be lower, and I'll have a little more passive solar effect - although the new windows are designed to minimize heat transfer through the glass.
And next week, I'll contact the well guys to have them come inspect the pump and ask some questions. They put the well in 20 years ago and I'm going to BET that (given all the other things I've discovered since November) no one's ever looked at it since. With a vacation property, people just don't notice a lot. And even full time, some people don't notice things until they break. I'm a bit more proactive in my observations. And OCD, too. ;)
I know this all sounds like a lot - but it's what needs doing before things deteriorate any more around here. Water, power, main fuels and structural integrity of my main building means I can then take over, do things myself - at my own pace - and PLAY MORE with it. I can get what I need to, inside garages and protect my new equipment and jeeps... get my wood shop set up... get my studio set up... next winter. Stock my pond with fish. LOL... and I'll be used to the work routine around here by then.
So, between November and Memorial Day... I rested, I ruminated, I looked... dealt with a few immediate repair crises... and imagined... researched... and let myself become part of this place, so I can "hear" and "see" what it wants to be when it grows up. I finished up the preoccupying part of grieving and mourning, realized I don't become a helpless blob living alone - and that there are some things I need, too - and have started to have some video chats with my doc friend out west, who held my hand while Mike was sick.
For someone who spent so much time with the military, the juxtaposition of his old hippie looks takes some getting used to. Totally platonic, I assure you. We have a lot of major communication differences that take some patience - but once we work those out, we're kinda on the same page, doing kind of the same things - in our own ways. I need to get better at communicating verbally; he needs to get better when writing. He rubs people the wrong way sometimes because of his writing style.
So, life down on the farm, is pretty good. Even at this stage where I'm not growing or making things just yet. Just working to get to the point, that I can do things myself.
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Lordy, SKeP I so feel for ya when it comes to the bug bite itching. Youngest dd and I bushwacked at my father's farm before this trip and....
Let's just say it's apparent we're super allergic to chiggers and we have no self control. My sister has tanned my legs before dressy events and covered my little wounds with make up.
Nothing stops the itching for us...... maddening.
Now onto the beach where bug n sun generally keeps us bug free.....cept for biting flys. This will be a right bug bit trip.
Glad you're getting so much done and feeling better. I'll pack plenty tea bags.
Lighter
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Got nuttin' much on homesteading or platonic ties online...
...but for bug bites? Baking soda paste has worked really well for me.
Hugs
Hops
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I am packing plenty of baking soda!
Thanks for the suggestion, Hops.
Light
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Skep, just reading your updates tires me out, what an amazing project and what an amazing amount of energy you are putting into it.
Your workmen sound nice; getting help from good people is a massive bonus whatever it is you're doing and I think it's nice to have a bit of company that you don't have to entertain from time to time. That nice sort of 'working side by side' feel rather than having to be the gracious hostess. We had guys come out to put in a new boiler a couple of weeks ago and they were perfect, as far as I was concerned, friendly, chatty but go on with what they were doing, helped themselves to tea and biscuits (at my request), got the job done neatly and quickly and then went - perfect.
It sounds like getting on with the pretty stuff will be so exciting. I'm not very good at the 'boring but necessary' stuff. I have to make myself stick at it because I love the bit where your imagination can go wild and you can do all the fun bits. But it's so essential to get on top of the basics and it does sound like your place hasn't been lavished with attention over the years so I imagine more stuff comes to light as other things get done. It sounds so exciting though, I'm excited for you :)
Sorry about the bites, though, I've no advice, I don't think we get such a wide range of biting things here in the UK? And we definitely don't get black snakes! Eek! I don't think I'd make a very good outback lady, I'm too wimpy and scared of creatures. Where I'm living at the moment is cat city; my son calls it the Furry Feline Neighbourhood. We got home yesterday and there were seven cats sunning themselves on one driveway, all stretched out enjoying the sun and not one of them pays any attention to anyone coming by. It seems a nice life :)
Looking forward to the next update! x
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Projects of this size have a lot of "hurry up" and "wait" waves to them. I'm in a "wait" cycle now. Now, I have to just deal with myself... energy and schedule shifts for the work I need to plug away at during the hot season... and the other things I didn't have brain space to deal with.
Beach house buyers have finally given up. They couldn't sell their house. So realtor & I shifted to the next phase, to try to get it sold. Lowered the price, in a market with a lot of inventory (higher priced too) where there just haven't been any buyers lately. I have no other option except to be patient.
Last day or two, the little cabin has been on my mind. I haven't been there since December. I either have to decide to commit to caring for the place - or spiff it up and sell it too. I have some things I have to move out of there and bring here, if I do sell it - Mike's ashes being one important thing. It's only 2 hours from here, to get there -- but lately I have a hard time going anywhere. I just don't feel like it or need to.
The cost for the new doors & windows was a lot less than I expected - despite the warnings from everyone that these were more expensive. I have budget to take care of some of the "pretties" here, too and the longer term functionality. Still trying to figure out how this contractor works but we're getting there and I'm not displeased. The windows in the top of the west wall are all gone now and the wall is closed in, but not insulated or sided yet. It's still dropped the temp in that room 5 degrees on the hottest days, so far. A/C only comes on about 5 pm and runs for a few hours until the nights cool off. And I still get plenty of light. As the sun shifts to it's winter path, I'll get even more.
So, Wed or Thurs last week, the guys finished up. They're waiting on siding to finish closing in the doors and the top of that wall. It'll be August before the windows/doors come in. There are a bunch of "me" projects on the list and I guess I'm wasting the coolest morning of the week getting my head back in the "to-do" game. I needed some stream of consciousness, just being and relaxing time. When others are here working, I feel weird if I'm not doing something too. LOL.
There is talk of a "girls weekend" - Holly, Mike's D Autumn and Debbie all need some sleepover time. Sometime in the next few weeks. It will be a mess trying to coordinate that schedule, but it should be worth it.
Foundation for the metal garden barn should get started this week. Ronnie and I are trying to get connected on wood/tree clean up, digging shale and driveway work. I'll need to run and get permits once I order the shed & barn. Still recycling lots of cardboard - at least it's fairly close and they DO recycle it. County is talking about taking glass & aluminum cans too. I need an arborist or someone who's licensed to drop trees, remove some dead ones that could fall into the pond or on the driveway and a couple more that are way too close to the house, for a forest fire zone. The ground here is so rocky and a lot of it is bedrock, that the trees don't develop good root systems in a lot of places.
Taking time out from thinking up new projects (and they're pretty obvious) - I'm remembering some things I'm not sure I've taken care of. LOL. We were going to begin talking about how to structure the company for the future, but The Bro has given me reason to believe he's going to finally file for divorce. We communicate a lot better now, than we have in the past. So, he's been asking for a normal type of support and advice. I offered to put the business plans on the back burner while he sorts out the personal mess. I did some quick research and I believe some of his worries can be put to rest. But, she's clearly got "issues" and it could get a tad messy. He doesn't have the fortitude for dealing with drama... and she's a drama queen. I could even get pulled into that mess, though I haven't had any contact with her for years now. He's been miserable for a very long time and I know that's contributed to his workaholic habits that have impacted his health.
We talked about being alone too. So, it will be interesting to see what happens in the near future and how this plays out. He avoids change whenever possible. For him to initiate this, finally, means he doesn't see any other option for having a life of his own going into the future, with her. His oldest starts college in the fall and the younger has two more years of HS. So that simplifies things somewhat.
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Hi Amber:
Sorry the Beach house didn't sell..... the market's so hot in some places.
It sounds like you hit a home run when you removed windows. 5 degrees and the wall isn't insulated yet. Wowsers. That's great.
I hope you have a terrific sleepover.
Lighter
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The girls weekend isn't happening any time soon. Friend can only come for the day on Saturday; Matt wants to catch, clean and eat a snapping turtle and isn't going to miss an opportunity (LOL - so much for stereotypes; he's the epitome of urban artist intellectual - but seems way more at home here than Holly does) and Autumn has to go out of town that weekend.
My contractors are still awol - the general guy is waiting for materials to come in; concrete guy has promised to get here this week - I'll call him in a bit; and the woodstove guy usually is pretty good about getting back to me - so he might be having problems with his new office help. I had the plumbers back because I noticed a little wet coming from the main well pipe to the pressure tank. It had been covered in tape, since before I moved in. They welded up a new pipe and I no longer have to worry about that blowing apart on me and flooding the downstairs. I've got ALMOST all the cardboard out of the garage now - the recycling center is booming - and I need to finish up in the office and move out to working in the studio/garage building.
As for "me" becoming "me"... I think that just has happened gradually now over the past (almost) 2 years. Didn't do anything special except just get up, live my day, go to sleep again. Of course, that means I still struggle with all the left over neuro-pathways of what I lived through 50 years ago - but I don't have to do it as much; it's not as intense; and it's just not as difficult for me to break out of the self-defensive protection coping rut - ie, prison - that I just accepted as being the best alternative to following my own interests, wants, and curiosity.
So, I think it's time to close this thread - this chapter - and start something new. No previews! Coming attractions! LOL. I haven't figure out what it's all about yet... and now that things have slowed down enough that I can hear myself think and "want"... it could go almost anywhere. And that's OK with me. I'm used to "winging it" and it can be a lot more fun than just trying to micro-manage my plans. The "big stuff" is all taken care of and is "off" my head and I can appreciate having some downtime between things happening around here.
I'm still looking at my mudroom space and trying to come up with what I'm envisioning as the end product.
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You are one of the few people I know whose use of "mudroom" will be justified.
:lol:
Hugs,
Hops
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Well, it's easy to see that the CARPET down there is coming out. :shock:
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Well, it's easy to see that the CARPET down there is coming out. :shock:
LOL... Amber. I jumped to your last post, forgetting what the topic was, and...
:shock:
had to read to catch up. Funny: )
Can't wait for your next thread.
Lighter