Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Twoapenny on February 10, 2016, 03:03:25 PM
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I've been thinking a bit over the last few days about relationships and how mine don't tend to be very successful and I wondered what, if any, tips others have used to improve their relationships and/or create new, healthy ones? I'm sort of trying to work out where I go wrong. It's not that I don't meet people, I meet quite a lot of people, but I don't tend to be massively drawn to others all that often. I often don't seem to meet many people who initiate contact. Over the last few years I've tended to make arrangements for the first couple of get togethers and then leave it to the other person to sort out meeting up again. This is really only because over the years it became apparent that a lot of people I considered friends didn't make any effort to talk or meet up and contact only happened when I initiated it. I'd like my relationships to be a bit more two way and to have friends who get in touch with me sometimes, not always the other way around. So when meeting new people I've tended to sort out the first couple of get togethers and then wait and see if they got in touch again - most haven't (and I did make it clear that I'd like to). I've also got a friend who has been a very good friend over the years and I care about her a lot, but she does tend to blow very hot and cold. I'll not hear from her for weeks/months at a time, then she'll get back in touch and it's quite intense - daily phone calls, texts and emails as well, lots of wanting to get together and so on. I find it hard to cope with, I don't want to lose her friendship but I struggle with how drastically things change. I'm wondering about the difference between boundaries and barriers? I feel so alone so much of the time that I wonder if I've been too severe with regards to what I want, but at the same time feel that two way relationships and ones that are a bit more consistent work better for me.
I don't know if any of that made sense! Rambling a bit, sorry. Just wondered if anyone else has found a way to navigate through it all and make life a bit more people friendly?
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Hi Tupp,
What a struggle. I can really relate to the fragility you feel around reciprocity and friendships. Been there, have Tshirt.
I'm wondering if the "reciprocity tracking" reflex is suffocating your ability to actually ENJOY people in the present, though. When so much focus is one who called whom when (though I totally, greatly understand why it's a preoccupation to shield yourself from hurt)...but when so much focus is on that, I imagine it's hard to be in the present. And savor people with all their quirks. And laugh genuinely.
And actually enjoy it.
I think once you love yourself all the way through, and become more confident in your right to take up happy space in the world, and learn the emotional confidence to let people come and go as they will, and know that you lose nothing by being happy and loving with a new or old person, and whatever response they have or don't have is THEIR response, and nothing you can manage or predict or control...
Then you'll really know you're okay.
And loveable.
I think it's all about interpreting the coming and going and communication or lack thereof, as a measure of whether you're love-worthy.
You are. You ARE.
Big hugs
Hops
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Hi Tupp,
What a struggle. I can really relate to the fragility you feel around reciprocity and friendships. Been there, have Tshirt.
I'm wondering if the "reciprocity tracking" reflex is suffocating your ability to actually ENJOY people in the present, though. When so much focus is one who called whom when (though I totally, greatly understand why it's a preoccupation to shield yourself from hurt)...but when so much focus is on that, I imagine it's hard to be in the present. And savor people with all their quirks. And laugh genuinely.
And actually enjoy it.
I think once you love yourself all the way through, and become more confident in your right to take up happy space in the world, and learn the emotional confidence to let people come and go as they will, and know that you lose nothing by being happy and loving with a new or old person, and whatever response they have or don't have is THEIR response, and nothing you can manage or predict or control...
Then you'll really know you're okay.
And loveable.
I think it's all about interpreting the coming and going and communication or lack thereof, as a measure of whether you're love-worthy.
You are. You ARE.
Big hugs
Hops
Thanks, Hops, and yes, you are right, it does occupy a lot of my thoughts and I do struggle with it and with letting things/people go (or come and go, probably more specifically). I don't feel love worthy at all and I have really struggled to change that feeling, however much I try to and I'm not quite sure what to do to change that, if that makes sense? The other problem I find is that my feelings seem to have an automatic off switch so it doesn't take an awful lot for me to genuinely, truly feel nothing for a person if I haven't been around them for a while. I honestly feel like the only person in my life I couldn't just walk away from is my boy - pretty much anyone else I could just cut out and that would be that. I know that's not normal! I really want to feel loving relationships but I suppose that's tied in with feeling vulnerable? Perhaps that's why I struggle with it, I'm not sure. I do enjoy other people's company at times but more often than not seeing people feels like more hassle than it's worth. Hmmm. I will continue pondering! Perhaps I just need more practise. I'm very excited about your new job, though! :) xx
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Something else I've noticed is that when I'm with people, if they say something that I don't agree with or I think is inappropriate or just negative in some way, I freeze up. I can't verbalise my opinion, disagree with them or in anyway contradict them. It's like everything in my head just shuts down and I find myself sitting there nodding or just not speaking while in my head I'm feeling shocked and hurt. Then I find I spend days afterwards feeling angry and resentful, partly at the person who has been unpleasant but mostly at myself for not being able to say what I think when I think it. Then I find I don't feel any desire to see or speak to that person anymore, everything just shuts down and I just don't have any feelings. So I think this is something I need to work on, being able to say what I think and not freezing up so much, perhaps that will help things to move along a bit more normally?
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I find that in my head, I have an awful lot of rules about people. Mostly rules for me. What's appropriate, what's not, how to look, act, what to say... etc. All that kinda gets in the way of just being with people and seeing what happens.
I'm pretty weird, in that I truly am very comfortable not having a lot of face to face interaction. I don't need to be "seen"... like in the movie Avatar, "I see you"... a phrase used to mean that warts & all, I see who the other person is (and vice versa) and still want to be with them. But I do need some interaction and it just goes better if I don't set any expectations, rules or scripts about what I want it to be like. What I want the other people to be like. I'd run the other way, if I sensed other people doing that to me.
When it comes to people, I think it's kinda like art -- I don't know if it's a masterpiece or not, but I know what I like when I see it.
And I don't buy the idea that there is a one size fits all formula for how much time a person has to have, interacting with other people and how intimately, to be healthy. Ergo, rules about relationships and people is simply a matter of personal preference. That may vary a LOT, given the big life things that a person goes through.
With people, you kinda have to go with the flow. And with the different levels of friends - the numbers of people who make the commitment to lasting friendships and open up in intimacy - shrinks, the closer you get. And those people may be working different "shifts" too! LOL. So, it's kind of a big group dance and you're changing partners and dancing by yourself and next thing you know, you're in the middle of a conga line... that dissolves into laughter and breathlessness and it fades... until the next time. No rules; no obligations; just people being people.
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Thank you, Skep and Hops for your wise advice, as always. I've been pondering things over the weekend and a friend situation arose that gave me a chance to examine my feelings about things and to try and see the situation objectively and to be a little bit more truthful with myself about my own role in all of it (argh! I hate that bit!).
So ......... I think a lot of it is tied up in my need to be 'liked' because I am 'nice' and I do what people want. When my phone doesn't ring it doesn't signal to me that people are busy, or I've outgrown most of my friends, or that I've dropped off of people's radar because I've been so busy with my son for so many years, it shouts 'no-one likes you because you are not nice'.
I also felt that I really had to prove to myself and everyone around me that I had an amazing group of friends who all adored me when I cut off contact with my family and was left suddenly without those close, albeit in an unhealthy way, relationships that I had had all my life. I think the fact that I have lost this group of friends over the years has felt like my family rejecting me all over again and has made me feel angry and resentful, albeit in a way that wasn't necessarily directed at the right people (and by that I think a lot of it was still to do with the hurt of my family choosing my step-dad over me; in the same way there are friends who have chosen other friends over my company and I think that brought up a lot of unresolved stuff over the years).
If I am brutally honest I don't actually want to spend time with most of the people I know around here. Most of them are people I became friends with in my teens and I am a very different person now to the person I was then. I don't particularly enjoy their company and I don't feel I can really talk to them or be myself around them. I am also aware that it's a very gossip driven area and anything I say or do inevitably ends up doing the rounds and that also makes me feel self-conscious and inhibited most of the time.
I do find my situation with my son makes friendships hard, partly because I don't get a lot of time to be with other people and partly because I find it easier to be around people who also have disabled children as they seem to 'get' my son in a way that others don't. That said, I have been to a lot of groups for parents with disabled kids over the years and I find most of them aren't really my cup of tea; there does seem to be competition about whose child is the most disabled or who has the most problems to deal with and I've just found most of the people I've met that way just aren't really the sort of people I like to hang out with.
So - with that in mind, and my plans to leave the area looking like they will come good (and keeping everything crossed, this time next month we will be literally days away from the big escape - I am just going to try and focus my mind on spending time with the friends that I do like in the area we are moving to and at least having some new opportunities to meet people. I think it's really just time for a really big change in my life and I need to just let go of the old stuff and all the bits that go with it.
Thank you, as always, for giving me a bit of a prod in the right direction, it really helps when other people say things as it can help me assess the situation a bit more objectively, I think, and points me in a new direction (which is always good :) ).
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Hey Tupp,
I wish I had some advice on this, but I don't. If it makes you feel any better, please know that you're not alone. What you wrote describes my own relationships to a tee. I've never felt worthy of love or friendship, but how can we expect to grow up with the confidence to form relationships when we were raised to believe that we were stupid, ugly, worthless, or whatever poison our NMs fed us. I've dealt with this in therapy for years, and while I may walk out of the Ts office feeling empowered, it doesn't take long for the old feelings to creep back in. I just don't see a way to erase years of brainwashing that took place during the developmental years of childhood.
I do find it interesting that we both feel that we have to initiate contact, and that our friends will often drop off or pull away. That has happened to me many times, which of course validates the feelings of being unworthy. I've always had friends at the office, but when I leave that job, they no longer want contact, which leads me to believe that they were only friendly towards me out of a workplace obligation. It's quite possible that they weren't good people to begin with, but of course, I always blame myself. And like you, I also fail miserably at asserting myself, so if a friendship slips away, I don't pursue it.
Now, just when I think I'm too emotionally messed up to have normal relationships, I'm reminded that it could be much worse. My sister, to my knowledge, has had only one date in her 51 years. Both of my parents laughed at her, and ridiculed her with things like, "You finally got some sucker to take you out." She crawled back into her shell and never dated again, and will most likely die alone. She now spends all of her time with Co-F, having no friends or romantic interests. That's the far end end of the spectrum when it comes to emotional abuse, so maybe our situations aren't all that bad. I know I'm mentally damaged by what my NM did to me, but had I remained in their grasp, I can see how much worse I would have ended up. I imagine that there are many children of Ns out there who live as complete recluses, so maybe our relationships are more normal than we realize, and we just aren't able to recognize that.
I liked what Skeps said about becoming comfortable not having a lot of face to face interaction. Over the years, I've become more comfortable with that as well. I've had more than one therapist tell me that it isn't healthy, but they aren't always right. I think it's a lot more healthy to avoid social interactions than to make an attempt at friendships with the wrong people, only to be rejected and hurt. Everyone is different. I've had co-workers who had 500 guests at their wedding, which would be a level of friends and acquaintances that would make me feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable. I wouldn't want that life.
I may not be making much sense here .... just random thoughts. Hops is right. You ARE love-worthy, and so am I. I think, by nature of our upbringing, we are probably far too thin-skinned and sensitive when it comes to relationships. I know I am. Getting past that is the difficult part. Difficult. Not impossible. :)
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Kathy, all of that makes perfect sense. I do find very few people put much effort into keeping in contact these days but maybe that is more just about the way the world is now? I know Hops mentioned something about Facebook being the go to place for communicating now and I know a lot of people that do that and nothing else. For me that's not enough. It's a bit like eating junk food instead of a proper meal; it's alright every now and again but I like proper food! And in the same way I like proper conversation and I LOVE conversation that I haven't had to go out looking for or initiate. I love it when friends remember that you had a doctor's appointment or some sort of big thing going on and call to ask how it went - it just makes me feel like someone cares enough about me to be aware of what's going on in my life and wants to know about it. But I am trying very hard to focus on the friends I have who I do have healthy relationships with and not think too much about no-one called or I haven't seen so and so for x number of months. It does feel like things are changing. I can't really explain it but things feel like they're shifting and starting to improve. We're still hoping to move, although there may be a slight delay now as my son needs some more medical 'stuff' and it's easier to sort from here because he's already in the system, but the move will still happen and will only be delayed by a few months at most. So I'm really hoping that the move is the literal shove I need to help with the emotional shove that seems to be happening as well. But I do think those early childhood bonding experiences (or lack of them) seem to leave a hole that nothing else seems to fill too easily?
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Facebook has definitely changed the way people interact with one another. Your junk food analogy is dead on. It's almost like a drug for some people. You really have to know how to use it in moderation or it can be truly addicting. I know people who are on Facebook all day long, and I just can't wrap my head around that ... spending 8+ hours a days interacting with people you have never met, and may never meet.
The plus side of Facebook is that I've been able to reconnect with some actual friends that I had lost touch with, a few from high school, and one childhood friend who I grew up with in Canada. Also, the person who I would consider my best friend right now is someone I met online. We first took an online writing class together at UCLA, then became friends on Facebook before finally meeting in person. Rachel is a transgender woman who also had a really rough time with her parents, so we have a lot in common. She's the one person who is reliably there for me. When she's in my neck of the woods she'll always call me to have lunch, which I love since I so rarely get out. You just can't compare online chat to sitting down and dishing over lunch at a busy diner. Facebook is a great place to connect, but people who spend all day talking to "friends" on Facebook are really living in isolation.
I do hope the move works out for you. I wouldn't worry about the delay. A few months may seem like an eternity when you're in a bad place, but keep focusing on the positive changes in your future, and you'll find it goes quickly. :)
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Facebook has definitely changed the way people interact with one another. Your junk food analogy is dead on. It's almost like a drug for some people. You really have to know how to use it in moderation or it can be truly addicting. I know people who are on Facebook all day long, and I just can't wrap my head around that ... spending 8+ hours a days interacting with people you have never met, and may never meet.
The plus side of Facebook is that I've been able to reconnect with some actual friends that I had lost touch with, a few from high school, and one childhood friend who I grew up with in Canada. Also, the person who I would consider my best friend right now is someone I met online. We first took an online writing class together at UCLA, then became friends on Facebook before finally meeting in person. Rachel is a transgender woman who also had a really rough time with her parents, so we have a lot in common. She's the one person who is reliably there for me. When she's in my neck of the woods she'll always call me to have lunch, which I love since I so rarely get out. You just can't compare online chat to sitting down and dishing over lunch at a busy diner. Facebook is a great place to connect, but people who spend all day talking to "friends" on Facebook are really living in isolation.
I do hope the move works out for you. I wouldn't worry about the delay. A few months may seem like an eternity when you're in a bad place, but keep focusing on the positive changes in your future, and you'll find it goes quickly. :)
Yes, catching up with people you've lost touch with is great, although for me I was quite quickly reminded with some of them why we'd lost touch :) That's lovely that you've got this great new friend, the thing I do love about the internet is that it can bring you wonderful people that you might not have met in the real world (like this place does!).
I think delaying for a few months will actually make moving a little bit easier; a bit more time to save some more money and get more organised, I can get a bit more work done on my van and just do it all at a slightly slower pace which will be nice. Things seem to be flowing well at the moment which is unusual so I'm trying to enjoy it :) I hope you get to have lunch with your friend again soon :) xx
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Something new is starting to make the rounds, by way of describing some types of people. The category is "Extroverted Introverts". LOL. A paradoxical contradiction in terms. But the description of the kind/style of relationship these types prefer kinda sounds apt.
Cocktail parties or any place that involves superficial chit-chat interactions is sheer hell for this type of person. Too much sensory overload, no attempt to really connect person to person, sort of emotional bumper cars is extremely exhausting... which causes the person to wish to retreat and "recover" back in their safe cocoon world of semi-isolation. The extroverted introvert is looking for a deep conversation, real honest expressions of real self - person to person; a more authentic connection and exploration of the other person. There is less of a need for that dominant-submissive or parent-child; giving-receiving duality in these people. That kind of emotional transaction isn't really necessary (altho can be nice at times)... it's more needing a longer time and bigger space for two people to "be" together, while retaining most of their separate individual selves, with boundaries.
The relationships between 2 people like this require a lot more freedom/flexibility from the "shoulda, woulda, couldas" of what we learn are the rules of relationships as we grow up. If a relationship develops between an E-I, and another type - a lot of times, they'll be described as "very intense" or even "withdrawn"... two opposites on the scale of sharing, you know? I find that 5 minutes of scrolling through my FB newsfeed is hypnotic... my brain goes numb... one more meme and my sarcasm reflex is going to bust from the pressure of trying to hold in my opinion about idiotic most of that stuff really is; it's 10 yr old level maturity (and I mean emotional not intellectual most of the time). But on the other hand, groups of live people in a space really wears out my force field batteries. Too much noise in particular - that is impossible to decipher because it's 30 different conversations - seems to be one clear example. (So noisy restaurants or bars? Thank you no; next time maybe somewhere quieter?)
Unfortunately, I am starting to see a lot of people (mostly under 30) as hungry little birds with their mouths open to be fed (exactly how much, what & when is very precise) some kind of emotional "gold star" just for "being" a special little someone. And when that's not forthcoming, because some of us believe relationships are a two-way street... they turn into the worst kind of spoiled brat. This kind of thing is spreading as society is telling adults to indulge their inner child, and expecting pre-teens to look, think and act like adults. Thankfully there are exceptions to that generalization. Very notable examples of something completely different.
I think we as individuals, have been browbeat by society's struggle with "identity rights" into accepting that there is something wrong with us if we don't accept bad behavior in a relationship or toward ourselves. And it's a conflation or confusion of respect for individuality with being coerced into accepting abuse from other people. I'm not buying that. But then, I've never confused the labels people claim for themselves with the people themselves. Society could use a whole lot more of that awareness, methinks.
Oh, and I'm starting to see what the criteria are for being a "grown up". Finally. At almost 60 - LOL. It's not real solid yet, there are a lot of "mature adults" I know who aren't grown ups... and a lot of kids who already are. But that's another topic and only diagonally is related to this one. Sometimes how grown up a person is, really matters to the type of relationship that can exist.
(Another random musing on a topic with today's fleeting and mutable perspective by the old PR...LOL)
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I find I have a thing in my head about wasting time? I'm not sure if that's the right way to describe it but things like social chit chat - I'm good with that for an hour or so but any longer and I need it to be leading somewhere or I feel like it's just a waste of my time and I could be doing something else I prefer to do (or something that needs doing and is bugging me because I want it finished). And I wonder if that's where a lot of my problems with this sort of thing come from? Deep connections are something I crave very deeply but I do find they are few and far between and I find I don't really want 'just a coffee' where I will spend yet another two hours listening to someone talk about things that I'm not interested in and I don't feel like I want to open up to people in situations like that? So it seems pointless to do it at all.
I am struggling at the moment with a friend who blows hot and cold. She's a very good friend in a lot of ways and I don't want to lose that friendship; our children are friends as well and I love that, but I do find it difficult to cope with no contact at all for weeks or months at a time and then a flurry of phone calls, emails, texts and requests to get together which all subside again and we go back to no contact. I find I can't really manage my emotions and if I don't hear from somebody for a long time I find I sort of shut down and find it hard to want to spend time with them again?
Anyway - enough early morning musing! Time to get up, I think :)
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I'm astounded again at how much about myself I don't notice for years and then suddenly I see it and it's so obvious I don't know how I've missed it. Nothing about my life is as I want it. I don't live the way I want to live, I don't spend my days doing what I love to do, I'm not with people I love to be with, I'm not spending time in places that I love to be in, I don't even wear the sort of clothes I really love to wear. And I can see so clearly - and why it's happened today I don't know - that I've never felt that I deserve those things in my life and so instead I live the life of a drudge, making do and putting up and tolerating and not rocking the boat or upsetting anyone or making any kind of demand or assertion about myself or what I want. I don't know why I didn't see this before. Anyway, time to change that.
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Tupp:
It IS time for change: )
How will it begin?
It gives me chills to think about the mindful cultivation of joy in your life.
It's your time.
::nodding::
Lighter
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I am feeling great loss of the years when friends talked on the phone for frequent long chats, when letters were exchanged now and then. I remember adapting to email--at first suspicious--then delighted at how satisfying real correspondences were still possible, only faster.
But now even my email Inbox remains mostly empty of anything personal. People are tethered to their devices and even when present, I'm shocked by how many people keep checking their phones. It's disturbing and looks addictive and I loathe it.
Now that almost everyone has migrated to ****ing Facebook, my phone is nearly silent, and if I didn't reach out very deliberately, I could spend days without speaking to another soul. I do have friends and I do host gatherings. But still I just HATE the way social media has taken over. I feel isolated and more alone, yet everything knowledgeable I read about FB says that, with the exception of catching up with far-flung friends (or for the homebound) -- for the rest of most regular users, FB use INCREASES loneliness overall.
And the only reason FB exists is to mine users' data and develop horrifyingly sophisticated algorithms that reduce everyone to a click. A profitable click. Its privacy invasions creep me out and so I have held off. But, I do miss out socially because of that stubbornness.
Anyway, just a rant. Ending!
Hops
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I've been thinking a bit over the last few days about relationships and how mine don't tend to be very successful and I wondered what, if any, tips others have used to improve their relationships and/or create new, healthy ones?
Your post has shown me that I've never defined (for my own personal use) what constitutes relationship. I can't define it from my own personal view or experience (which I think is for all practical purposes where a definition matters most). My comprehension of it is about as stable as a floater in the eye where it floats by from time to time, I know it's there but if I think of it at all, it's only fleetingly along the lines, ummm I still have that floater. So now I'm going to work at determining exactly what constitutes 'a relationship' for me. Is it the short chat I have with a cashier at the box store while checking out? Is it what transpires when an old classmate gets in touch for the first time since we took classes together to 'catch' up without ever calling again? Is it what lies behind the ability of me and one of my grandchildren to talk for an hour about a philosophical idea/belief? Is it aunt so and so whose advice is priceless, but to whom I only go when I want her advice? Is it my old college friend whose timing is so out of sync with mine that I considered abandoning our friendship years ago, but after much thought decided that I would commit to our friendship/relationship, clenching it for the rest of our lives? Is it the housekeeper with whom I chat casually and briefly once a week and who makes the house shine because she is dedicated to pleasing her client? Is it my Pastor who consistently turns out a great sermon regularly which impacts my life positively without any person to person, sit down and chat exchange? Is it a one night stand or is it a marriage that lasts for 50 years? Is it someone we hang out with in social media? I could go on and on asking these kinds of questions (I'm that ignorant about it all) but I think I get the point. I'm simply not able to express what constitutes 'relationship' to me personally at this time. I think what is at the forefront for me regarding your question is that I am positive that I have many good relationships and friendships, it's just that I've never analyzed the why and how come of how they came about. Twoapenny, hopefully your post will be the impetus behind my figuring this out.
Hi TT, the whole 'what is a relationship' area has been a difficult one for me too (and still is), particularly because one thing I notice about myself is that I have different expectations of different people and I have struggled to work out why that is. I have struggled terribly in more recent years with two things in particular - one is friends who just go off me for some reason and just stop returning my calls and the other has been people who have stopped contacting me when I've put certain boundaries in place.
I think what I want in a friendship, whether a platonic or a romantic one, is for there to be honesty between the two of us that doesn't crush either person (ie, being able to say, I'm sorry I haven't got time to meet/talk/help you out at the moment but how about next weeekend?), to be able to have boundaries without that ending the friendship (I like spending time with you but I don't want to listen to you complain about your boyfriend for an hour again this week), to be able to have fun in a mutually convenient way (I can't get out because I don't have a babysitter but how about you come over here?) and I think an awareness or respect for each other's situation (I have a long list now of people who I have considered friends who have sat in my house saying unpleasant things about disabled people and people on low incomes when my son is disabled and I am on a low income).
What I've realised (and your post helped me realise this) is that I haven't done all of those things, even thought it's what I want to have. So I've not been honest with a friend who's been draining me with their problems and said I'm sorry, I'm too tired to listen to this at the moment, and I've not remonstrated with people who have made comments I've found upsetting and offensive (for fear of upsetting or offending them), I've been so hurt when people I love - like my older sister - have walked out of my life when I've put boundaries in place (don't keep turning up unannounced, you need to ring first).
I've also realised that I've outgrown a lot of people, at a frightening rate in recent months, and I feel bad about not staying in touch with people who have helped me out in the past. I have three friends I'm thinking of specifically at the moment who did a lot for me years ago when I was going through a particularly bad time but if I'm completely honest I just don't enjoy their company very much any more - a coffee every now and again is fine but more than that isn't enjoyable for me. And I feel terrible for saying that, I feel snobby and condescending and that I'm turning my back on people who've been kind in the past. And that's something I think I need to work on because I can see that I feel very obliged to people for being nice to me and I feel I owe them something for ever more. From the other perspective, I know I want people in my life who want to be around me because they enjoy my company, not because they feel obliged or like they owe me something, so I'm sure those other people would feel the same way so I really need to work on that (I've even muddled myself up now, it all gets very confusing!). But I think basically I have finally realised I need to work on myself more and then I think (hope) that the relationship thing will start to work a little bit better - fingers crossed! :) xx
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I am feeling great loss of the years when friends talked on the phone for frequent long chats, when letters were exchanged now and then. I remember adapting to email--at first suspicious--then delighted at how satisfying real correspondences were still possible, only faster.
But now even my email Inbox remains mostly empty of anything personal. People are tethered to their devices and even when present, I'm shocked by how many people keep checking their phones. It's disturbing and looks addictive and I loathe it.
Now that almost everyone has migrated to ****ing Facebook, my phone is nearly silent, and if I didn't reach out very deliberately, I could spend days without speaking to another soul. I do have friends and I do host gatherings. But still I just HATE the way social media has taken over. I feel isolated and more alone, yet everything knowledgeable I read about FB says that, with the exception of catching up with far-flung friends (or for the homebound) -- for the rest of most regular users, FB use INCREASES loneliness overall.
And the only reason FB exists is to mine users' data and develop horrifyingly sophisticated algorithms that reduce everyone to a click. A profitable click. Its privacy invasions creep me out and so I have held off. But, I do miss out socially because of that stubbornness.
Anyway, just a rant. Ending!
Hops
I've been astonished just this week at how difficult it is to buy writing sets now; there are lots of boxes of notecards that you can scribble something brief in but I wanted proper old fashioned paper with matching envelopes and in the end I had to look online as nowhere near us sold anything like that. I did try Facebook in the interests of trying to be more sociable but I found people ignore me just as much on there as they do in real life so I gave up. I'm like you Hopsie, I find the constant checking and faffing about on phones mind numbing, I do have a couple of friends I have long phone conversations with and they're like gold dust now. I think there's such a focus on everything being done very quickly, there's not as much depth. I was watching that CatFish programme over Christams; I don't know if you've ever seen it but it's about people who 'fall in love' online and the person they've fallen for turns out not to be who they claim to be. Some of the stories were really sad, kids who've been so badly bullied in school that online contact is the only friendship they get for example, but in a lot of cases I was astonished at the number of people who've been communicating for over a year purely by text and social media - they've never spoken on the phone or met up in real life and I just found that quite amazing (and quite sad, particularly as some of them had really fallen hard and finding out they'd fallen in love with a phantom was heart breaking for them).
I have found one of the reasons a lot of my friendships have broken down is because people don't have time to talk on the phone. Even catching people in is difficult a lot of the time.
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Tupp:
It IS time for change: )
How will it begin?
It gives me chills to think about the mindful cultivation of joy in your life.
It's your time.
::nodding::
Lighter
Lighter, it's funny how these things are there all the time but we don't see them and then suddenly, BAM! It's so obvious. I've been hiding away, trying not to attract attention, not to attract criticism, not laying myself open to more abuse allegations by being 'seen' in anyway. Where money's concerned I find spending it on myself very very hard to do; clothes are usually from charity shops or if I buy new it's the cheapest I can find. I looked in my wardrobe and there wasn't a single thing in there that I wanted to wear, it's all just 'that'll do'. I went for acupuncture a couple of days ago and I realised when I came out that I'm wasting my money on things like that because my life style is so punishing that I undo all that lovely relaxation within a couple of days of the treatment and spend the next six weeks really uptight and exhausted again.
So - in the interests of coming back to life I have dyed my hair red - I used henna as I don't like chemical stuff and I went for a chestnut sort of red rather than bright red, if that makes sense? But I love it, my hair looks really healthy and you can kind of catch the red in it when the sun's on it so it looks quite natural (as much as dyed hair can anyway!). I ordered some new clothes online. I found that really hard - I just don't spend money on things like that - but I've gone for a few bits from companies that sell fair trade products and I've got a little corner of colour in my wardrobe now, it makes me smile when I open the door. I've decided to make meditating and yoga/exercise a priority in my day and try and do them first thing; usually I put the 'me' stuff at the end of the list and don't get round to it but I've put it to the front now and I do feel better for it already. I'm trying to clean up our diet and I was pouring over recipe books last night picking out the healthiest stuff and thinking of ways to get my son involved more; made me think of you with your D and all the sugar free cooking. We've delayed moving so my son can have some more tests done, only by a few months but it's given me time to slow down a bit which I think is good xx
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I've just done a very short meditation I found on YouTube about healing rejection. This is something I have suffered with for so many years; I feel any kind of rejection so acutely and I carry it around for so long. It's such a heavy burden and I hate the way it makes me feel and think but I've really struggled to do anything with it.
In the meditation the chap quite simply says that when someone rejects you it just means that they are searching for happiness the same way that you are and that, for whatever reason, they can't take you on their journey. My initial pang on hearing that was rejection again: "Oh! They want to be happy and they can't be with me around. They don't want me." It was there for a second and then, poof, it all made so much sense and I literally felt that huge weight lifting from me, because suddenly it doesn't feel like it's personal or that it's because there's something wrong with me, it's just 'because' and that's okay. It's also made me feel better about leaving other people behind; it's something that I struggle with and feel terribly guilty about if I don't want to be around someone anymore because I've just gone off them a bit but I suddenly don't feel so bad about doing that.
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Tupp:
It made me feel very glad to read about your new spot of color in the closet.
I actually got chills reading about your practicing yoga and meditation on a regular basis. It's creating sacred space inside ourselves. I picture you doing it in a very tidy sunny place..... a sacred space for sacred work: )
I'm sending prayers for continued healing for you and your son.
You might put off your move for a bit, but it's coming, and you'll be ready for it.
Lighter
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Tupp:
It made me feel very glad to read about your new spot of color in the closet.
I actually got chills reading about your practicing yoga and meditation on a regular basis. It's creating sacred space inside ourselves. I picture you doing it in a very tidy sunny place..... a sacred space for sacred work: )
I'm sending prayers for continued healing for you and your son.
You might put off your move for a bit, but it's coming, and you'll be ready for it.
Lighter
Hi Lighter,
Thank you :) I'm finding the yoga and meditation is bringing up yet more old stuff - it's amazing how much we keep inside ourselves. I'm struggling a bit, I fell off the wagon yesterday, ate loads of doughnuts and watched loads of rubbish on telly. I've been meditating on attracting wealth - I've always been on a low income and when a bit of money comes my way something else usually happens to eat it up. I have always felt like my mum sold us - my step dad bought her whatever she wanted and she let him do what he liked to her daughters. I've always been aware of it but hadn't really acknowledged it before if that makes sense? So that reared it's head and I've found that a difficult feeling to sit with, hence the doughnuts and the telly :) I've also been getting a lot of memories back about things I did as a younger person and have been feeling a lot of shame and anger towards myself, so I'm trying now to focus on working through that and letting it go. Trying not to give myself a hard time about it, I think in the long run things are moving forward well but I know I tend to focus on the bits that didn't work quite so well, so trying to let that go as well. It's funny how much we want to let go off things but how hard we find it is to do it?!
Love and happy wishes to you and your girls. Thank you for the prayers xx
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I'm astounded again at how much about myself I don't notice for years and then suddenly I see it and it's so obvious I don't know how I've missed it. Nothing about my life is as I want it. I don't live the way I want to live, I don't spend my days doing what I love to do, I'm not with people I love to be with, I'm not spending time in places that I love to be in, I don't even wear the sort of clothes I really love to wear. And I can see so clearly - and why it's happened today I don't know - that I've never felt that I deserve those things in my life and so instead I live the life of a drudge, making do and putting up and tolerating and not rocking the boat or upsetting anyone or making any kind of demand or assertion about myself or what I want. I don't know why I didn't see this before. Anyway, time to change that.
I relate to your thread, especially this post. I too struggle with a child who has difficulties. It can be all consuming. But I have also found that bit by bit over the past 15 years, while all my childhood and young adult friends left me behind I have picked up a few new ones. And the more I heal, and discover "the obvious" about myself, the more acquaintances I interact with.. I find myself being more open to people I never would have entertained, would have shut off immediately in the past. This opens my realm of friendly interactions with acquaintances and I think that has made it possible to have a few friends again It has been slow and subtle.
I didn't know exactly where I was going with this post when I started but now that I've written it I see even more the value of opening up to a broader range of acquaintances has made a big difference, being friendly, inquiring about them, really interested even though not really getting together or wanting a close relationship but expanding interactions and reducing my level of rejecting others.
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I'm astounded again at how much about myself I don't notice for years and then suddenly I see it and it's so obvious I don't know how I've missed it. Nothing about my life is as I want it. I don't live the way I want to live, I don't spend my days doing what I love to do, I'm not with people I love to be with, I'm not spending time in places that I love to be in, I don't even wear the sort of clothes I really love to wear. And I can see so clearly - and why it's happened today I don't know - that I've never felt that I deserve those things in my life and so instead I live the life of a drudge, making do and putting up and tolerating and not rocking the boat or upsetting anyone or making any kind of demand or assertion about myself or what I want. I don't know why I didn't see this before. Anyway, time to change that.
I relate to your thread, especially this post. I too struggle with a child who has difficulties. It can be all consuming. But I have also found that bit by bit over the past 15 years, while all my childhood and young adult friends left me behind I have picked up a few new ones. And the more I heal, and discover "the obvious" about myself, the more acquaintances I interact with.. I find myself being more open to people I never would have entertained, would have shut off immediately in the past. This opens my realm of friendly interactions with acquaintances and I think that has made it possible to have a few friends again It has been slow and subtle.
I didn't know exactly where I was going with this post when I started but now that I've written it I see even more the value of opening up to a broader range of acquaintances has made a big difference, being friendly, inquiring about them, really interested even though not really getting together or wanting a close relationship but expanding interactions and reducing my level of rejecting others.
I understand where you are coming from there, GS, I think part of the problem I've had with people is that I expect friends to be everything I need them to be. I'm slowly starting to realise that you can have a friend that you just meet for a walk once a month, and one that you talk about politics with and one that you go out with when you want to dance and let your hair down. I'm realising I'm as hard on others as I am on myself and that none of us can be everything that someone else needs - so I can't expect that in others, either. I think I've veered a bit too far where friendships go; because I've had a lot of situations where I've let myself be taken advantage of or given a lot more than I've received I think I've fallen into that trap of going too far the other way, not giving anyone any kind of give in a situation, keeping track of what I do compared to what they do and so on. It's practise, I think, and perhaps better to work on having a group of people that we're involved with in different ways, perhaps? I think having a child with difficulties (or health problems yourself) can make friendships more difficult. I find that by the time I've done a full day with my boy I'm shattered and in that day I've probably not spoken to another adult or had a chance to call someone. If no-one's called me in that time (which is how it is most days) then I feel very alone, although I do realise it just means that other people I know have had a day just as busy and tiring as mine. I also feel like I don't have much to talk about any more? My days are often very samey and mundane and the thought of having to make conversation about myself scares me a bit now, I haven't really got anything interesting to say (or at least anything the other person would find interesting! My phone used to ring a lot through the day and people used to pop round a lot but most of them wanted something from me and once I put some boundaries in place (arrange to come over rather than turning up unnannounced, I can't chat during the day but I'll talk to you this evening or at the weekend) most of those people vanished and I found that hard to cope with. But, as you say, new people pop up and things start to change; I do feel more positive about the future (and a lot of that is down to this forum and having all of you wonderful people to talk to) xx
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I understand about the dramatic shift in putting up boundaries. Your post is so insightful. Shifting from one way of being to another brings so much unknown. My own grief at the loss or missing or unfulfilled hope of friendships and relationships is acutely present to me as I read what you have written.
I feel great compassion for where you are.
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I understand about the dramatic shift in putting up boundaries. Your post is so insightful. Shifting from one way of being to another brings so much unknown. My own grief at the loss or missing or unfulfilled hope of friendships and relationships is acutely present to me as I read what you have written.
I feel great compassion for where you are.
Thank you, GS, it is a struggle, isn't it? I have wondered over the years how much of my need for people comes from trying to fill that hole that is usually filled by a mum. I lost my dad at a young age so it was almost like being orphaned although I still had a parent, which sounds odd. But I do wonder if those of us who weren't lucky enough to come from loving homes have a greater need for love, and yet conversely often attract the wrong sort because it's what we are used to? It's almost like a double dilemma but I can definitely feel healing taking place. I don't feel as lonely all the time, even though my contact with people hasn't increased, and I'm starting to realise that there are some people around me I'm happier not seeing anyway. I suppose it's all about balance in the end, we're all getting there in our own way :) x
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Twos penny, I too have thought there a double whammy fallout from a mother incapable of loving, a pretend kind of mother. Mine looked good from the outside but she was incapable of caring, loving, supporting, nourishing, nurturing. It left a hole for me, a deepest ache. As I look back, I see that those I encountered who had had that love soon ran tired of me, my distrust, dark side full of cyan sims and I found those who had been loved naive, surfacey and focused on the shallow. Only much later did I see it differently. I see both how and why I'm drawn to other broken beings, why I rejected those not so fully cracked open and how my own wounding kept me unwittingly angry and isolated.
Until very recently, my goal was to be "restored" to lost friendships and form of life. That will never happen, nor should it. But I can experience healing and loss of bitterness, perhaps even joy. In time it will be revealed.
After my husband died when our son was an infant, I struggled with profound depression and anxiety. I found myself and my child excluded over and over again and my heart was so hardened. Bit by bit I struggled to make friends, find some level of inclusion and slowly I had bits of success, but I never lost hope for restoration of lost friendships, a longing so deep and so painful. But as I started down this most recent path of healing I found all of that longing fall away, exposing raw pain opened to the air as if for healing of a sort I had not imagined. I have no idea what sort of relationships might come about but I do sense it will no longer be that I am perpetually drawn to the broken whose wounds are so familiar but whose wounds also make it easy to mistake some interactions for rejection. In our most wounded we can so easily misunderstand kindnesses and in our needs see rejection where none is or even need more than someone has to give. That was both true of me and of several whose friendship I sought. That brokenness can render such crazy longing and needs and perspectives.
I'm thinking of you and your precious son. -GS
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Twos penny, I too have thought there a double whammy fallout from a mother incapable of loving, a pretend kind of mother. Mine looked good from the outside but she was incapable of caring, loving, supporting, nourishing, nurturing. It left a hole for me, a deepest ache. As I look back, I see that those I encountered who had had that love soon ran tired of me, my distrust, dark side full of cyan sims and I found those who had been loved naive, surfacey and focused on the shallow. Only much later did I see it differently. I see both how and why I'm drawn to other broken beings, why I rejected those not so fully cracked open and how my own wounding kept me unwittingly angry and isolated.
Until very recently, my goal was to be "restored" to lost friendships and form of life. That will never happen, nor should it. But I can experience healing and loss of bitterness, perhaps even joy. In time it will be revealed.
After my husband died when our son was an infant, I struggled with profound depression and anxiety. I found myself and my child excluded over and over again and my heart was so hardened. Bit by bit I struggled to make friends, find some level of inclusion and slowly I had bits of success, but I never lost hope for restoration of lost friendships, a longing so deep and so painful. But as I started down this most recent path of healing I found all of that longing fall away, exposing raw pain opened to the air as if for healing of a sort I had not imagined. I have no idea what sort of relationships might come about but I do sense it will no longer be that I am perpetually drawn to the broken whose wounds are so familiar but whose wounds also make it easy to mistake some interactions for rejection. In our most wounded we can so easily misunderstand kindnesses and in our needs see rejection where none is or even need more than someone has to give. That was both true of me and of several whose friendship I sought. That brokenness can render such crazy longing and needs and perspectives.
I'm thinking of you and your precious son. -GS
GS, so much of that really resonated with me and it is so painful, I'm sorry you're going/have been through it too. My mum looked great on the outside; she hid her drinking very well, the house was always immaculate, nice meals cooked, clean clothes, nice birthday and Christmas presents and so on. But all served up with catty comments and little put downs and days of not being spoken to because we'd done something wrong and having to constantly tiptoe around her in order to avoid making her angry, acting as her friend and confidante, all focus being on her and making her happy. We were just invisible. And I feel I've made a lot of friends who are like that over the years; if you're happy to listen to them and help them out and lend them money and so on everything goes well, but putting in boundaries or expecting a bit of listening from them in turn didn't go well and those friendships have fallen. It hurt enormously, I've struggled so much over the years but I realise now I have a small number of very good friends, very healthy relationships and I'm trying really hard to focus on them and them alone and not to keep worrying about not having 'enough' - I think I feel like I need to have dozens but really one good friend is worth a dozen scrappy ones. It does shape us, doesn't it, and takes such a long time to reshape! We can only keep trying :) Thank you for your thoughts, thinking of you and yours too :) x
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Well today was my son's birthday, presents, birthday outing and pirate party all went very well despite a last minute disaster when we found the road we needed was closed and we had to go along a very lengthy diversion that was one long traffic jam but we managed to get there just in the nick of time and all was saved. He's in his room now with his new computer game and I've realised that today has been a pretty big turning point for me, too.
I got dressed in my new, colourful clothes this morning and immediately felt so self conscious and daft that I took them off and put my old, tatty clothes on. I thought about it a little and realised that I think I am trying to avoid taking responsibility for things, in order to avoid criticism. If my clothes are old, donated by friends or from charity shops, mismatched etc I can just say I can't afford anything else or I'm too busy, I just chuck on the first thing I come to (which is what I usually do). Wearing new clothes, specially purchased and in bright colours, means I've made decisions and picked things out, which means people can criticise my choices. So ..............I put the new clothes back on and of course, no-one paid any attention to what I was wearing anyway because - and I am slowly starting to realise this - not everyone in the world sits on their bum critiquing other people's outfits - most people have better things to do. So I wore the new clothes and everything was lovely.
My 'friends' and sister, who all live ten minutes up the road, haven't even bothered to phone for my son's birthday, let alone brought round a card for him or to wish him a happy day. Usually this would upset me enormously but today I realised that we actually have a nicer day without listening to the latest family drama or the gossip from the pub or whatever other nonsense they all go on about. So instead of feeling upset I actually felt quite pleased; I feel I have escaped that yoke somehow and have no need to contact them or feel bad about not seeing them. All good.
Lastly there was a letter from the hospital when we got home and another false claim has been made about me. It isn't a big one and it's easy enough to deal with but, none the less, very unprofessional and the latest in probably about two dozen now that we have had to deal with. They tend to do this when one of the doctors has made a mistake regarding my son's treatment and they shift the focus from their shoddy work onto my parental capability. Why they still think this will slip past me unnoticed I don't know but anyway, usually this would be very triggering for me. I did feel angry and if the woman had been here at that moment I would have given her a right mouthful but that passed quickly, I feel calm again now, I'm going to tidy up, cook dinner and then start drafting a correction letter. It's annoying but hasn't caused anything like the tsunami of emotion it usually would so that is really good.
One thing did happen today that annoyed me and it is something that I want to start working on. I was decorating the van with all our home made decorations (very lovely it looked too) and my neighbour came for a look, she's one of those people that seems nice on the surface but always manages to get a little dig in. I was telling her about our plans for the day and what we were going to do and she was oohing and aahing and saying how lovely it all sounded and then added "It's just a shame he doesn't have any friends to enjoy it with". These are the sorts of comments I want to start dealing with; my default response is always to not upset the other person by putting them straight. So I really need to work on that, it was rude, inaccurate and completely uncalled for and I need to find a way to respond to those sort of things immediately rather than letting them by and then being cross with myself afterwards.
So a good day all round, feeling very happy and looking forward to my bed later :)
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I just wanna smack that neighbor. UGH.
Very Happy Pirate Day to Tuppkid, and kudos to Tuppflower for sporting her new togs!
love,
Hops
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I just wanna smack that neighbor. UGH.
Very Happy Pirate Day to Tuppkid, and kudos to Tuppflower for sporting her new togs!
love,
Hops
Ha ha, Hops, I was on the phone to a friend when the same neighbour came around with a present for him, I told my friend what she'd said and her response was the same as yours :) (and he has got friends, they just don't live on this estate which is the sum total of our neighbour's knowledge of the world). Thank you for birthday wishes and I've bought some new pyjamas so I can carry on the new clothes theme in bed tonight xxx
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Sounds like, on balance, you had a very good day. I understand the clothes thing; completely. I've been going through it again, myself.
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Thanks, Skep, it was a good day, I'm finding I can sort of observe myself and how I feel in certain situations now rather than being so emotional about them that I just react, if that makes sense?
I have been a bit brave in my efforts to stop concerning myself with other people's feelings all the time. One of the friends who forgot my son's birthday got in touch today, very apologetic that she forgot and wanting to come round. We are both tired today and I'm not in the mood for company so I said it wasn't convenient and she apologised again for forgetting. Usually I would feel obliged to smooth it out for her at this point and I did feel I wanted to do that but instead I have tried to be honest and said that no-one around here remembered but he had a nice day anyway because I took him out. She texted back and said she felt really bad and usually I would try and smooth this over but I have just left it. I don't want to intentionally make people feel bad and I appreciate the fact that she's apologised but I am still feeling a bit miffed about it and I am trying to stop being fake and covering my emotions up. So I've not responded, I want to take some time to think about how I feel, whether or not I want to say anything more and just try not to leap in with the intention of making her feel better and swallowing my own feelings.
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I have been thinking about the situation some more. I had a text from my sister yesterday, not mentioning my son's birthday, she still hasn't realised she missed it, and a belated birthday message from another person who'd missed the day.
I've not responded, I just wanted some time to think about how I feel and what I want, and I think what I've realised is that this place and these people have served their purpose or come to the end of their shelf life or however is best to describe it, and it's time to move on.
We moved here after we'd had a terrible time with false abuse allegations and I'd ceased all contact with my family. I can only see now looking back how utterly, utterly terrified I was and how I was running for cover. This is the place I grew up and, even though it's where my mum lives, it felt like the safest place to be - I knew every nook and cranny, I knew all the people (virtually all the same people I knew as a child still live here), I knew if she was on my doorstep she'd find it harder to cause problems because she couldn't fabricate and create situations as easily with people who knew me well and I think there is a saying that sometimes the best place to hide is out in the open and that's how it felt to me at the time. Added to that the landlord of my house is a friend of a friend, he rented the place to me cheaply without letting agents being involved and was happy to let me stay as long as I wanted to. Prior to that we'd moved 7 times in six years so not having to think about moving again helped as well.
In my head I thought that something amazing would happen to balance out the terrible stuff that had gone on - I'd meet the man of my dreams, or my son's health problems would magically vanish, or he'd get compensation from the hospital. I also had a thing in my head that someone around here would have some sort of proof of the sexual abuse - someone would have seen something, or heard something and be able to back me up or come to my rescue. It transpired that virtually everyone had known about the abuse but no-one had done anything, which actually made it worse for quite a long time. But anyway, as time's gone on none of those things has happened, but the amazing thing that has occurred is that I have healed, so much actually, and I realise I want a lot more from my friendships than I wanted eight years ago when I was so frightened and alone that I didn't really care who I spent time with or what I listened to them talking about or whether or not it was me that had to make all the effort to see them, I just wanted to have people around me and to convince myself that I was loved and I wasn't alone. When we were homeless I didn't care where we lived, I just wanted somewhere, it didn't matter how big or what condition it was in or where it was, it was just better than the car. I think I feel a bit like that about people now; I didn't care who, what or why, I just needed to feel like someone cared, however messed up it might be, but now, just as I'm looking for somewhere nice to live and I'm thinking about location and whether or not it has a nice feel to it, so I feel that I want different people around me and I don't want these people anymore.
I'm feeling a bit guilty because I feel like I used them. I'm going to work on that a bit because I think it's a bit misplaced. But I think it's time for me to stop feeling miffy that people don't do what I want them to do (!), draw a line under it and move forward.
Thanks for reading all my waffle :) x
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Today has been a bit of a revelation for me, I have actually started being honest and stating my feelings and I can't believe how differently that makes me feel!
My sister rang early this morning; I ignored the call, still feeling that I didn't want to speak to her until I had a better understanding in my own head. I was also aware that I was feeling angry that she's done so little with my son for so many years now and I don't want to react in anger and say things that are hurtful and that I might regret later so I ignored the call. Shortly after that she sent me a text, apologising for forgetting his birthday 'for the first time', asking me to forgive her and to tell him happy birthday from her. That made me feel really angry! I felt she was somehow saying 'it's only this once' (which it isn't, she's been late for his birthday loads of other times), the forgiveness is about her and me saying 'yes it's fine, just ignore him, it's not a problem' and telling him happy birthday, well, it isn't his birthday now, it was two days ago, he has learning difficulties so me saying 'Happy Birthday' to him two days after the event just confuses him and as she's his aunt she should bloody well know that. So, I took a deep breath and texted back that no-one remembered and that I was sick of people not bothering with him so I felt it best that she left me alone for a while.
Soon after I started to feel guilty as I know she'll be in bits now, she'll be crying and worrying herself over it but I feel like a neglected dog sometimes, every now and again someone just checks we're still breathing and then they disappear again for months. And I do know I am right about this; she should make a lot more effort than she does and if she doesn't want to that's fine but I'm not going to give her an easy pass on it and give her my permission to treat him like that. So ......... the guilt passed, I got on with clearing out the wardrobe (making space for more new clothes), I've written to the hospital about the mistakes in their letter and asked for them to be corrected, done the laundry and done some school work with my son - and for the first time ever I feel like I've passed the problem back to the person who should be dealing with it instead of dealing with it for them and smoothing it all over.
Interestingly I've been reading a self help book about dealing with 'vampires', anything or anyone that drains you or gets you down, and one of the things recommended in that is that you don't make excuses when you try to distance yourself from people, you say "I don't want to". And I think now if any of them get in touch over the next few days I am going to say I just don't want to at the minute. I'm not going to put a brave face on it or cover it over, I'm going to try and be real and let them deal with how that makes them feel - not to be vindictive but I've got enough on my plate without dealing with other people's feelings and emotions.
I do feel very clear headed about it all, usually this would be weighing me down a bit but by saying what I felt I feel like I've really got a burden off my chest and it feels very nice :)
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Hi Tupps,
I meant to post to you yesterday about your new attitude:
I have been a bit brave in my efforts to stop concerning myself with other people's feelings all the time.
So I've not responded, I want to take some time to think about how I feel, whether or not I want to say anything more and just try not to leap in with the intention of making her feel better and swallowing my own feelings.
Then, I see today's posts:
I've not responded, I just wanted some time to think about how I feel and what I want, and I think what I've realised is that this place and these people have served their purpose or come to the end of their shelf life or however is best to describe it, and it's time to move on.
Today has been a bit of a revelation for me, I have actually started being honest and stating my feelings and I can't believe how differently that makes me feel!
My sister rang early this morning; I ignored the call, still feeling that I didn't want to speak to her until I had a better understanding in my own head.
And I think now if any of them get in touch over the next few days I am going to say I just don't want to at the minute. I'm not going to put a brave face on it or cover it over, I'm going to try and be real and let them deal with how that makes them feel - not to be vindictive but I've got enough on my plate without dealing with other people's feelings and emotions.
I do feel very clear headed about it all, usually this would be weighing me down a bit but by saying what I felt I feel like I've really got a burden off my chest and it feels very nice
Awesome, Tupps!!! YAY! Congrats!!!
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What Ann said!
Mega dittoes!
YAY, TUPP!
:D :D :D :D :D
love
Hops
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Yaaaaay Yay, Tupp!
I'm so channeling your energy right now! Yay for you, and for me.
I also get what you said about your clothing choices. And you know what? I think I'm just really really comfy in the old soft clothes without shape, that I can work in, and not care too much about if I get paint on them or they get ripped.
I think a bit about style, but it's more abstract. I might start buying new bright clothes, but I don't have much desire right now, and what desire I do have is pretty fleeting.
You keep it up.... I enjoy living vicariously through your wardrobe purchases.
About the letter from the hospital. At some point you notice when you don't have the tremendous chemical dump triggered by things that usually throw you into turmoil. You notice you're steadier. You notice something changed. I've experienced that too. I'm thinking its a good thing: )
Lighter
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Hi Tupps,
I meant to post to you yesterday about your new attitude:
I have been a bit brave in my efforts to stop concerning myself with other people's feelings all the time.
So I've not responded, I want to take some time to think about how I feel, whether or not I want to say anything more and just try not to leap in with the intention of making her feel better and swallowing my own feelings.
Then, I see today's posts:
I've not responded, I just wanted some time to think about how I feel and what I want, and I think what I've realised is that this place and these people have served their purpose or come to the end of their shelf life or however is best to describe it, and it's time to move on.
Today has been a bit of a revelation for me, I have actually started being honest and stating my feelings and I can't believe how differently that makes me feel!
My sister rang early this morning; I ignored the call, still feeling that I didn't want to speak to her until I had a better understanding in my own head.
And I think now if any of them get in touch over the next few days I am going to say I just don't want to at the minute. I'm not going to put a brave face on it or cover it over, I'm going to try and be real and let them deal with how that makes them feel - not to be vindictive but I've got enough on my plate without dealing with other people's feelings and emotions.
I do feel very clear headed about it all, usually this would be weighing me down a bit but by saying what I felt I feel like I've really got a burden off my chest and it feels very nice
Awesome, Tupps!!! YAY! Congrats!!!
Ha ha, thanks Ann, it did feel good, I should have done this years ago! Feel tired today, I think there's been a bit too much excitement over the last few days! We've got a fairly quiet week this week and I've ordered a book about eating for energy; I really need to clean up my diet and I'm struggling a bit so I'm hoping this will help :)
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Yaaaaay Yay, Tupp!
I'm so channeling your energy right now! Yay for you, and for me.
I also get what you said about your clothing choices. And you know what? I think I'm just really really comfy in the old soft clothes without shape, that I can work in, and not care too much about if I get paint on them or they get ripped.
I think a bit about style, but it's more abstract. I might start buying new bright clothes, but I don't have much desire right now, and what desire I do have is pretty fleeting.
You keep it up.... I enjoy living vicariously through your wardrobe purchases.
About the letter from the hospital. At some point you notice when you don't have the tremendous chemical dump triggered by things that usually throw you into turmoil. You notice you're steadier. You notice something changed. I've experienced that too. I'm thinking its a good thing: )
Lighter
Thanks Lighter, yes, completely see what you mean about clothes, for years our lives have been very practical, lots of paint and glue and being out in the woods and searching for bits of Lego in odd places so comfort and alright to ruin stuff definitely the order of the day. Will be hanging on to some of those clothes as still necessary but I do feel like I want a second wardrobe now, one where I can dress up and be Tup rather than mum.
Re the letter, my reaction was definitely so much less than it would have been even six months ago. I drafted the request to have the errors amended at the weekend and then sat down yesterday to finish it off and already it feels more like someone has just phrased something badly and made assumptions when they should have checked facts. I think people who've not been falsely accused don't realise how much power words can have and how throw away comments and poorly worded prose can be used in such a negative way by someone with malign intentions. But yes, there's definitely been a shift there, it just doesn't all feel as personal anymore?
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What Ann said!
Mega dittoes!
YAY, TUPP!
:D :D :D :D :D
love
Hops
Thanks, Hops! It's funny how little things can make such a difference :) x
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Yes. One good friend is worth everything. It is definitely not the numbers.
And those deepest wounds from our parents, especially our mothers, mold us and shape us. I think almost everyday how I long to turn to my mother, get her advice, put my head in her lap, receive nurturing, kindness, encouragement but it is such a crazy, crazy fantasy because she never did that when she was alive. So I don't just miss it because she is dead. I long for that love because I am a human being. That is my grief but everyday I do try to pour that love into my child and that is such a gift.
I know that feeling of being invisible. It still haunts me in my dreams.
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Yes. One good friend is worth everything. It is definitely not the numbers.
And those deepest wounds from our parents, especially our mothers, mold us and shape us. I think almost everyday how I long to turn to my mother, get her advice, put my head in her lap, receive nurturing, kindness, encouragement but it is such a crazy, crazy fantasy because she never did that when she was alive. So I don't just miss it because she is dead. I long for that love because I am a human being. That is my grief but everyday I do try to pour that love into my child and that is such a gift.
I know that feeling of being invisible. It still haunts me in my dreams.
Oh I know that feeling, GS, that gap where the love was never there and that longing for it is sooooooo so big. My mum's advice was always so awful! I never knew until I got a lot older and gained my own experience but her whole view of the world is really warped and as such, all the things she recommends you do are really off key as well. She's not learnt anything from her life, is the way I see it - head in the sand, her own view, nothing else touches it and as a result she's in her seventies and she's literally no wisdom to pass on.
It does give me great comfort to look at my son and to see that he is so much more confident, relaxed and sure of himself than I ever was at that age. I've kept him safe, too, and I'm so proud of that. I was so scared that history would repeat itself and he'd be abused like I was but that hasn't happened and now that he's older I feel like I can relax a little bit. We can mother our kids in a way we were never mothered and I don't know about you but I've found that very healing? x