Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on March 05, 2016, 02:27:51 PM
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ALL I know.
My D hasn't tweeted for a few weeks.
She's usually pretty active, regularly posting comments about MMA (her obsession).
Two hours ago she posed a pic of her laptop showing a fighter, and her Tweet said,
"Grateful for this to watch while I'm in the hospital. Hope I get home soon."
A slice of the hospital room is visible from the bed, but that's all.
I have no idea what's wrong. A very strange thing happened yesterday...I kept thinking
something was wrong with her because (sorry if this is TMI) my Caesarian scar suddenly
began ichting like crazy (never happened before).
I have written her stepmom (whom she's cut off also but who can see public FB posts)
to ask her to let me know anything she finds out.
In the usual convoluted way, I wonder if she's done this for attention or pity or (in my
magical thinking) to let me know. But I have no idea what to do or whether to do anything.
I think I will do nothing but hold out light and hope for her healing. This would not be
a healthy way to let me know she'd like to hear from me. And, as ever, contacting her
in any way is something she has forbidden. So I will continue to respect that.
I am concerned for her but don't think any panicky behavior on my part will help.
Thanks for any thoughts,
Hops
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One small example of why I love my T...I can email him when something important happens and he always replies. This time it happened to be immediate. I wrote asking him if he thought I should do anything...(and if my stopping paying her cell phone might have triggered a crisis, a stretch but it had occurred to me) and he helped me get back to reality thinking:
"Sorry to hear about this — I assume someone at the hospital would ask her at some point if there is someone they would want them to notify.
I thought you said that you thought her tweeting was less not stopped — I’m sure you can make up all kinds of connections and feel guilty at this point. I don’t think it’s helpful to go down that road and it doesn’t change anything."
Weird as it sounds, I LOVE that he said, "...it doesn't change anything." I continue to want to accept and live by what is, not what I fantasize or wish might be.
True enough. If she wanted her mother to know, she'd tell the staff, not Twitter.
Hops
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Oh Hops.... how scary, and sad, and I'd want to jump up and DO DO DO too.
I'd make similar connections.... I'd want want want, and it would drive me crazy for a while.
It's good your T helps you stay level.
Perspective is a good thing.
::sending healing pink light for you and your dd::
Lighter
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Thinking of you Hops.
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Hopsie, thinking of you both. I think you are right to hang back; she knows she can contact you and, as you've already mentioned, that sort of random way to get someone's attention wouldn't be healthy and so best not responded to (if that's what it was - I am always putting all sorts of thoughts and connotations onto other people's actions only to find out their intention was very different, it can be confusing!). But how hard for you to be in this situation. Hoping that your D is feeling better soon and hoping that you are okay, too. Cyber hug coming your way ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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If she were dangerously ill, she probably wouldn't be tweeting, so that's a good sign. I admire your resolve and strength to carry on when On is so heavy. Blessings...& hugs.
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Well Hops, since there are so many unknowns about why she's there... I think you need that 10 ft pole to keep yourself away from guessing the reason. Either break your promise not to contact her and ask directly for information... or occupy your mind enough with something strong enough to keep it engaged, that you don't wander down those what-if trails. It's hard because of that instinct to do the mom-thing... but it could just be something relatively minor.
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Her bills are sent to her stepmom's address (my D hides her actual address from creditors) and step-mom thinks it's orthopedic. My D has had scoliosis her whole life, not extreme but not operable as far as we were told when she was young. (When she began to rage at me as a young adult when the bipolar kicked in, she accused me of not "getting her surgery" that she needed. I had never been told by any doc that she could have it or in fact needed it.)
I don't even know what she is in for, actually. It might not have been orthopedic. Might have been female problems, which stepmom said she mentioned on Facebook.
No idea.
But Skep, I'm not breaking my commitment to respecting her NC. Whew. Was an impulse but very brief one.
Thanks, everyone. I hope you know how much your voices help.
love,
Hops
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Thank you, WiseChild.
I really am okay.
It's in the back of my mind and there's monologue going on in my head about comforting her and my empathy and sorrow that she's suffered some kind of procedure. Or suffering anything at all.
But otherwise I really have let her go, mostly. I have no choice.
That's what NC does. ("Mothering Again" is the title of the thread where I've told this story, fwiw...)
Thanks for your empathy, it's much appreciated.
Hops
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Awww. She is probably Okay. It's nice that you care.
It kind of reminds me when I was a teenager and just barely noticed my mother, it's was a developmental state/stage for me I assume.
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Thanks, (((((((((Boat))))))))).
I appreciate it...though at 35, she's gettin' long in the tooth for those teenage things.
love,
Hops
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Hops,
Your daughter may not speak or contact you. That doesn't stop you from loving her unconditional. Impossible. She has made choice (at the present time) no contact. Even if she never contacts you ...she's so deeply loved by you.
And that's what it's all about.
She has her own choices and her own life (and what she choose to do with it) she does not have the choice to make you stop loving her.
You didn't let her go. She let her self go.
Keep loving. I wish your heart peace. You a good mother.
And I hope she finds herself one day back to your loving arms.
Deb
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Thank you much, Deb...
You just helped me realize that I've had an odd sense of shame about loving her "against her wishes" so I've tried to suppress thoughts of her sometimes.
But you're right. That's goofy.
I don't seek to think about her at length and stir up the grief but I don't seek to NOT think about her either. I'd like loving and calm thoughts of her to come and go any time they wish because...I continue to love. She continues to suffer (I include obsessive blaming in "suffer" as well as bipolar that may not be managed well). One day perhaps (and perhaps not) .... her suffering may be reduced enough to think/feel differently.
Life is long. Love is patient.
love
Hops
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I love what you and Debkor have said. It is so touching. I will hold that lovely image of your love enveloping your lost daughter. And I see that love you have for her coming back to envelope you as well, making a complete package Hops.
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Oh (((((((((GS)))))))))).
Thank you.
love
Hops
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Dear Hops
It is extremely hard and painful to be the mother of a personality disordered child. This is life sentence. Hard words but it IS hard. Where there is hate, you continue to feel love. Whether it is good for your daughter or not, it is good for you. And like your Caesarian scar itching when she is in trouble, I am sure that if you are feeling this and feeling her, it goes both ways.
My sister is bi polar and she hated my mom and never let down her guard or her aggressive judgements. When I look back on this, I don't know how my mom stood it. Manic rage is god aweful and devastating. Even if one knows it is the illness speaking. My mom was a hostage of her love for my sister.She would keep giving love and showing up to look after my sister's son when my sister had an episode and the police came. Although imperfect and human, mom did not deserve the contempt and rejection heaped on her. It was pretty steady diet of hate and shaming. I know my mom thought that some part of it was "true" so it went on and one until she died. After mom died it still continued.
My mom is gone now and I would like to say to her that I understand how much she suffered and how shamed and inadequate she felt in not being able to change my sister or help her so she could get through that nourishment barrier in my sister's heart. I would say to Mom ...... Let go or you will drown in this. She will take you down. You don't EVER deserve to be treated with such contempt. Please don't give such a sick person that much power to hurt you, you deserve to be .... respected and to feel peaceful.
I have reached a point of detachment with my sister. I just realized I needed to say those things to myself. I am here is she wants to treat me with respect. Just a little respect and I am not a human punching bag for her to vent her manic rage and contempt. The list of my failings is long and well developed after being under the manic microscope of distortion.
You deserve to be loved and anything else is a lie.
Lots of love
Sea storm