Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Twoapenny on May 18, 2016, 06:42:41 PM
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I have realised over the last few weeks that my self esteem is non existent. I have spent so much time dealing with all my problems, worrying about relationships and looking after my boy that I've just sort of disappeared inside myself. I feel very conscious of getting in other people's way, putting people out, people having to 'put up with me' and generally just feeling apologetic for breathing. Which is obviously not the way I should feel! So I wondered what sort of things you have all done to improve your self esteem over the years?
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You should look up tapping EFT and the self acceptance mantras that goes along with it.
You can do it in the car, in the tub, sitting at the table over dinner, or anytime.
Studies have shown it's effectiveness with returning vets in the US service for PTSD, and stress management.
Mantras can be anything you like...
"I accept myself fully and wholly just as I am, I accept my self without restraint, and am enough. I choose to be happy, and have more than enough energy, I embrace my inner child, etc."
You can choose any message you need to hear, and speak the words out loud as you tap.
Also, the saying "don't postpone joy" is a wonderful thing. Just DOING things you normally would put off, like potting a plant, or drawing, or journaling, or taking a bath and sluffing, doing toes beats the heck out of procrastination, Tupp.
How's your son doing?
Lighter
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Two things come to mind, (((((((Tupp))))))))).
The most powerful personal experience was that unexpectedly transformational visualization I had on a sunny afternoon many years ago, that I've described here several times...when I intentionally tried to seek and connect to the sad little girl inside me. It was like self-hypnosis, in a way. But when I met her and saw her sorrow, and spoke directly to her, telling her that I was so sorry I hadn't been able to protect her or comfort her then, but that I love her and will never leave her alone again, and she put her arms around my neck... It was real. And one of the most self-healing moments of my life.
This never occurred to me before, but it was literally forgiving myself for not loving myself. Her acceptance and her trusting hug...was me, telling me, I love and forgive you. That was the core of it. Whatever the external forces had been that had hurt me, I now was whole. It took my inner child to show me the trust and tenderness I'd denied myself.
The most powerful community belonging experience, which has healed me in a different way, was when I embraced the first principle of Unitarian Universalism. It's just the Golden Rule, which is expressed in different ways at the heart of all deep faiths: The inherent worth and dignity of every person.
One day, it hit me that that includes me. It has to. Or it's not real.
When I pause and ponder that I have inherent worth and dignity, as I am and no matter what...that helps me turn back into the light. And away from the critical or cruel voices inside that are old tapes, from old experiences, that I don't have to listen to any more.
I do forget. I do struggle as you do... But the memory of that afternoon, and pondering that first principle, can ease me again.
(I'm not fond of the term self esteem, because I think people confuse it with superficial things sometimes. But I understand the yearning and need it represents.)
Love and comfort,
Hops
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Thank you, Hops and Lighter, I started writing a reply yesterday but my internet connection dropped and all was lost!
I will read up on/try out the things you've suggested. Funnily enough I dug out a book yesterday that I read years ago and didn't get much from, it talks quite a bit about inner child work, visualisation, EFT, affirmations and so on. Skimming through it yesterday a lot of it makes more sense now so I think perhaps I just wasn't ready however many years back that I bought it.
I think partly I have trapped myself in victim mode as well; GS mentions resentment causing self sabotage in her thread and I found that really resonated with me. I think it might be partly to do with my family never acknowledging or validating what happened in the past but I can see now that I am just going to have to acknowledge and validate it myself and not keep waiting for someone else to do it for me.
A couple of people have got in touch over the last couple of days, my sister and another friend who I fell out with over my son's birthday. I did find myself torn; I felt sort of obliged to respond and make things right (my thinking being well they have got in touch, they are trying). But then another part of me thought, well, I don't really want to be around them anymore, even if they changed the way they do things I still don't really want to see them. And that made me realise that I do need to make choices about who I see and how I spend my time, not just go along with people because they've decided they want to.
The weekend is here so I am planning to try and have a fairly quiet, restful one at home, to eat well, try and relax, do some gardening and just try and get over this bump I am in - I think it is the bump of realisation! Yesterday was nice, I saw the doctor who has been lovely and very supportive and understanding, and someone came to do some work on the house and he was very sweet and kind. I am trying to focus on these good people; I spend too much time ruminating over bad things!
Lighter, postponing joy is very apt; I have a whole life in my mind that I am planning to do at some point in the future - I need to get on with it now. I think it comes back to perhaps punishing myself, I don't know? But there are things I really want to do and I never seem to have time, I need to work on that and try and change things. My boy is doing better now, thank you :) We've seen a very good nutritionist and a big box of goodies arrived yesterday so I'm hoping this will help but he seems to be over the most recent hump as well. I do wonder how much we rub off on each other, for good or otherwise so I am trying to get him out of his comfort zone a bit, too.
Have a nice weekend everybody, I hope better times are coming for all of us xx
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I replied to my sister and I have been as honest as I can in as friendly and polite way as I can. I have said how upset and disappointed I have been at the lack of effort she makes to spend time with my son and have told her how hard I find it to have so many people living so near to us that make so little effort to see either of us. I've said that's the reason I've stopped calling and visiting and have pointed out that it isn't fair for me to do all the visiting and to drag my son around other people's houses despite the fact he's ill and most of the time is much better off being at home. I've said I'm putting my efforts into making new friends now who will make more effort with my son and accept that he is disabled and he can't just be carted about like a handbag for other people's convenience (I've phrased that last bit much more politely but that's basically how I feel).
It was funny but as soon as I'd sent it I really wanted to eat loads of junk food. I know I comfort eat but that was the first time I really directly linked it to how I feel, and noticed my feelings are very strong - dangerous, even - when I'm NOT DOING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT ME TO. I know my sister wants me to just tell her everything's okay and give her permission to carry on as she always does but I'm not doing that anymore. I realised yesterday that I want people in my life who are kind and thoughtful, and respectful of others and willing to do something that suits the other person sometimes. They don't have to be perfect but my boy and I both deserve a much better, richer, kinder life than the one we live at the moment and I can see now it really is up to me to change that. I don't really think I've realised that before, I think I've always felt like I needed something external to change so that I somehow just drew nicer experiences and people to me. But now I can see that I need to be more honest about how I feel and go out looking for these new things and people.
I didn't eat junk food, I made myself a bit tofu and vegetable stir fry instead. I do feel very tired now, emotional I think, but I've done some work in the garden, my boy did a lot yesterday so a quiet day today is fine, I'm going to concentrate on resting and trying to keep myself off the sugar. I really need to change the way I do things.
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My sister replied and basically said as far as she's concerned she makes enough effort. It was funny that I got a really intense physical reaction when I read her message, like heat flowing over me and I found it hard to breath. One of the family traits - whole family, including me - is this amazing capacity to avoid what is right in front of your nose. I've told her how I feel and there's no acknowledgment of it - voiceless! I've told her we'll agree to disagree and suggested we both just get on with our own lives now. I want better than this for myself and my boy. I feel sort of weighed down by people who are in my life but don't really contribute much to it. I do struggle with this, part of me feels like I'm being a prima donna, issuing demands and insisting people do what I want. But then I think, I want to be around people who care about us and part of caring is wanting to have contact - I'm easy going, it doesn't have to be frequent or done in a certain way, phone calls work well for me, as do evenings in/out, day time get togethers, doesn't have to be hours at a time. But there has to be some effort on the part of the other person and that's what I feel is missing. Her reasoning is that she has been round but we were out - missing the point that if you really want to see someone you phone them to arrange a time rather than just turning up when you're passing! Had a panic attack in the supermarket this evening which was quite scary but I think it's a good thing, I'm starting to get these old habits physically out of the way. Feel very tired, am planning an early night and a quiet weekend at home.
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(((((Tupp))))))
You're in a tough place....but hopeful. You told your sister how you feel, and you're dealing with her response. It's not what you hoped for, but the confusion is clearing.
I hope you find ways to embrace joy. Just being aware to notice it, and stop for it is a great start, IME.
You're worthy, Tupp.
You are.
Light
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I get it, Tupp.
I understand how hard this is.
It's like, imo, learning to set boundaries and also choose reciprocity (near-equal care/consideration) in relationships are two sides of the same coin. And these are both critical skills and very very painful to learn, for children of Ns.
NOT impossible to learn! Just painful to learn.
Setting boundaries is how you learn to sidestep or avoid inviting toxic people into your life, or disentangle yourselves from them if they are already there.
Choosing reciprocal relationships (after a lifetime of accepting a kind of one-way or over-giving pattern) for your life involves risking abandonment. Because if you've been okay with 80-20 relationships because over-yielding was your training, as you get healthier and discover assertive or self-loving feelings within you, you start to want (gasp) 70-30! Or you'll discover how great 60-40 can feel! (Nobody gets 50-50 because perception. And that's okay.)
Then when you avoid toxic people and realize you've been in 80-20s or 90-10s and begin to assert your choice or need for 60-40s, well then most of your 80-20s will likely cheerfully say, No thanks. I liked it the way it was. (Why wouldn't they?)
And it does not make them bad or evil. It makes them...not able to meet you where you now are.
So you feel you've lost some last rungs of support. And, in a way, perhaps you have. And then you have a completely understandable and emotionally logical reaction of anxiety (panic) and loss.
You can weather this.
You are STILL constructing a healthier new life.
This is so very hard a transition, Tupp. But such a brave and necessary one. You do not have to be "right" or convince your sister or anyone else you are "right." Once you are in a new chapter/place/circle of chosen friends after some healing and settling time, you'll still be able to revisit a 80-20 person (or sister) ... and then you will see it as it is, and not be hooked by the longing for it to be otherwise.
I've gone through the same thing. It hurt for a couple of YEARS when a friend I considered nearly a sister who was 60-40 changed into 90-10 once somebody else came along (a neighbor) who met her needs (which I belatedly spotted as to some degree, "N"eeds)...more easily.
I almost dropped her completely. And I went through hurt and anger and muttering to myself. Multiple times.
Now I can respond to her occasional reaching out in comfort, if it suits me. And now I just see her as she is, and know she will never be a reciprocal friend. Because she can't. And it doesn't hurt any more. (I'm sort of astonished by that.)
It doesn't have to be permanent/total/annihilation of any connection ever with your sister.
Just keep loving yourself, even though you can't ever "win" a discussion with her about reciprocity.
You need lots of love and loyalty right now. You don't have enough. BUT YOU CAN GO FORTH AND FIND THOSE KINDS OF NEW RELATIONSHIPS AND PATIENTLY BUILD YOUR NEW PHAMILY. You will endure lonely chapters long the way. But remember these are chapters, not the book.
If you hold onto your new vision, and search out those 60-40 friendships and healthy community as you move on, your life in a few years can be so so so much more nourishing than it is now.
This is real, build-able, intentional, and I feel so sure you will get there.
Courage,
Hops
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Tupp,
This is Awesome!!
I want better than this for myself and my boy. I feel sort of weighed down by people who are in my life but don't really contribute much to it.
I know it's hard when we (1) finally start feeling this way and then (2) we finally tell others how we feel.
I think that if we have to tell someone that we want better treatment, they are not going to take it well & they're going to have a hissy fit. But, what's the alternative?
Continue to be treated poorly or listen to their hissy fit?
I think there comes a point where we'd rather experience their hissy fit than continue to accept their poor treatment.
Sorry to hear about the panic attack, but it's GREAT that you realized it was a panic attack, so Yes, it's kind of a good thing.
You're really changing & taking action to improve the lives of your son & yourself.
Well Done, Brave Champion!! :D
PS: when an N has a hissy fit, picture the N as Dinky, the Great Dane: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPbRyVUGoX0
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Oh I love Dinky. (((((((((Ann)))))))))).
Two more...uh oh, now I'm down the rabbit doggie hole...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSu9mgGnkhk (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSu9mgGnkhk) -- I laugh SO hard at this...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlaDMcZRtJE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlaDMcZRtJE)
Awooooooooooooo!
Hops
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(((((Tupp))))))
You're in a tough place....but hopeful. You told your sister how you feel, and you're dealing with her response. It's not what you hoped for, but the confusion is clearing.
I hope you find ways to embrace joy. Just being aware to notice it, and stop for it is a great start, IME.
You're worthy, Tupp.
You are.
Light
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Lighter, thank you :) I feel okay about it. It's not unexpected, really, and I had got to that point where I needed to say how I felt and I can/am coping with her response to that, which is what I knew it would be as I've been here with her before. But it's okay, I can see that I have surrounded myself with people who I suppose, in a way, I don't have to get too close to. I've had lots of very superficial relationships in my life and I can see that now, and I think as I've started to get better in myself and want more honesty and closeness - just something more real, I suppose - then those relationships have crumbled, they're just not built that way. So I think it's a good thing, I think I'm finally starting to grow up (!) and be aware that relationships are warts and all, good bits, bad bits, imperfect, but that having people be more involved than just phoning when they want something is essential and is what I'm finally realising I want to have in my life. So getting there, physically have felt a lot better today, tired but okay, feel calmer and less like I've done something 'wrong'. Must remember to breathe :)
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I get it, Tupp.
I understand how hard this is.
It's like, imo, learning to set boundaries and also choose reciprocity (near-equal care/consideration) in relationships are two sides of the same coin. And these are both critical skills and very very painful to learn, for children of Ns.
NOT impossible to learn! Just painful to learn.
Setting boundaries is how you learn to sidestep or avoid inviting toxic people into your life, or disentangle yourselves from them if they are already there.
Choosing reciprocal relationships (after a lifetime of accepting a kind of one-way or over-giving pattern) for your life involves risking abandonment. Because if you've been okay with 80-20 relationships because over-yielding was your training, as you get healthier and discover assertive or self-loving feelings within you, you start to want (gasp) 70-30! Or you'll discover how great 60-40 can feel! (Nobody gets 50-50 because perception. And that's okay.)
Then when you avoid toxic people and realize you've been in 80-20s or 90-10s and begin to assert your choice or need for 60-40s, well then most of your 80-20s will likely cheerfully say, No thanks. I liked it the way it was. (Why wouldn't they?)
And it does not make them bad or evil. It makes them...not able to meet you where you now are.
So you feel you've lost some last rungs of support. And, in a way, perhaps you have. And then you have a completely understandable and emotionally logical reaction of anxiety (panic) and loss.
You can weather this.
You are STILL constructing a healthier new life.
This is so very hard a transition, Tupp. But such a brave and necessary one. You do not have to be "right" or convince your sister or anyone else you are "right." Once you are in a new chapter/place/circle of chosen friends after some healing and settling time, you'll still be able to revisit a 80-20 person (or sister) ... and then you will see it as it is, and not be hooked by the longing for it to be otherwise.
I've gone through the same thing. It hurt for a couple of YEARS when a friend I considered nearly a sister who was 60-40 changed into 90-10 once somebody else came along (a neighbor) who met her needs (which I belatedly spotted as to some degree, "N"eeds)...more easily.
I almost dropped her completely. And I went through hurt and anger and muttering to myself. Multiple times.
Now I can respond to her occasional reaching out in comfort, if it suits me. And now I just see her as she is, and know she will never be a reciprocal friend. Because she can't. And it doesn't hurt any more. (I'm sort of astonished by that.)
It doesn't have to be permanent/total/annihilation of any connection ever with your sister.
Just keep loving yourself, even though you can't ever "win" a discussion with her about reciprocity.
You need lots of love and loyalty right now. You don't have enough. BUT YOU CAN GO FORTH AND FIND THOSE KINDS OF NEW RELATIONSHIPS AND PATIENTLY BUILD YOUR NEW PHAMILY. You will endure lonely chapters long the way. But remember these are chapters, not the book.
If you hold onto your new vision, and search out those 60-40 friendships and healthy community as you move on, your life in a few years can be so so so much more nourishing than it is now.
This is real, build-able, intentional, and I feel so sure you will get there.
Courage,
Hops
Thank you, Hops, that way of numbering friendships is a really good way to look at it. I've really seen over the last few years that most of my friendships were 90% me and the ten % was basically the other person letting me visit or do something for them! how funny to look back and see that now. And I have wanted that to change so it does mean that a lot of people won't be coming with me but it feels alright, it feels good to have some space to let some good people in and get used to being around people that don't expect me to do everything all the time. Feels a little bit weird but only in a 'new shoes' way, it will get easier, I think. The thing that has made me sad is that if my sister and I are officially no longer speaking it doesn't make any practical difference to me anyway because I never saw her, which was the whole issue! So if I'd said nothing the situation wouldn't actually be any different in one way. but I did feel I needed to say, for my son's sake as much as anything, I think (I am a lot better at insisting people treat him well than I am at insisting they treat me well!)
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Tupp,
This is Awesome!!
I want better than this for myself and my boy. I feel sort of weighed down by people who are in my life but don't really contribute much to it.
I know it's hard when we (1) finally start feeling this way and then (2) we finally tell others how we feel.
I think that if we have to tell someone that we want better treatment, they are not going to take it well & they're going to have a hissy fit. But, what's the alternative?
Continue to be treated poorly or listen to their hissy fit?
I think there comes a point where we'd rather experience their hissy fit than continue to accept their poor treatment.
Sorry to hear about the panic attack, but it's GREAT that you realized it was a panic attack, so Yes, it's kind of a good thing.
You're really changing & taking action to improve the lives of your son & yourself.
Well Done, Brave Champion!! :D
PS: when an N has a hissy fit, picture the N as Dinky, the Great Dane: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPbRyVUGoX0
Okay, now I'm in love with Dinky as well :) What a funny, and very cheeky, pooch :) Thank you, Ann, yes, you're right, I think when you have to tell someone that them visiting their sick nephew and remembering his birthday is necessary it really is time to draw a line under that. One of the things that has made me sad is that my niece and nephews (when they were younger) were my priority every weekend, because I just loved spending time with them. I used to spend ages buying presents because I loved the look on their faces when they got something they really wanted and we'd just do things like going for an ice cream after school sometimes. I just loved seeing them and it makes me sad that none of them feel like that about my boy - and he's so lovely he absolutely deserves to have people coming round to take him out for an ice cream. So yes, I think the hissy fit is better than putting up with things, but wouldn't it be great if all hissy fits were like Dinky's? :) Thank you x
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"generally just feeling apologetic for breathing" .... yeah same here
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"generally just feeling apologetic for breathing" .... yeah same here
Yay, G, you're back! We've missed you :)
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I've been thinking today about what I feel I need to have in my life to feel happy/content, what makes for a good life, I suppose. So far I have got:
Good friends/healthy relationships
Having fun
Helping other people
Being appreciative
Keeping the body active
Healthy eating
Living in nice surroundings
Earning money in an enjoyable way
Good friends/healthy relationships - well, we all know my struggles with that! I have got some very good friends but I do tend to over focus on the not so good ones. I think I need to really work on my need to be 'liked' and thought well of by everybody, and sort of being all things to all people. I am getting there slowly, but I want to try very hard to keep my attention on the good people I know and perhaps trying to reach out a bit more to try new things/places in an effort to get to know some more people. I do realise now my low feelings about myself mean I don't often approach other people or initiate conversation unless I'm forced to (ie one of those difficult situations where you're in an enclosed space with someone and it's more difficult to avoid talking than it is to talk). I did spend some time yesterday planning some trips and days out over the summer and I have got a couple of social things coming up in the next few weeks so steps in the right direction, I think.
Having fun - now this I really struggle with and you'd think that would be easy! When I was younger I was always drunk, high or stoned and that was how I enjoyed myself, so I never really got to know what I like to do. I didn't stop all of that until my boy came along so everything since then has had to be done within the confines of the home or cheap enough to enable me to pay a babysitter so I do feel a bit stuck as to what I really enjoy so I think I'm going to have to try lots of things and see which ones I really like and which I'm just doing to fill in the time.
Helping other people - well I do that too much so I think I need to find some sort of voluntary work so that I can help people but also be reined in when necessary, plus I'd be helping people who actually need/want help rather than just running around after people when I shouldn't be.
Being appreciative - I do need to work harder at this as I do tend to see negatives and gloss over good bits. I do meet some lovely people from time to time who are just kind, friendly, helpful and so on so I need to focus on that more and also, I think make more of an effort to tell my very good friends what very good friends they are.
Keeping the body active - well I did some yoga this morning and I ache all over now! I am busy during the day but not usually with things that I really enjoy so I think I need to find some new places to walk with my son and try to do some yoga more often.
Healthy eating - I do struggle, I am a biscuit monster but I have tried very hard over the weekend and have done pretty well, I think, so I think I just need to keep working on trying to find other ways to comfort myself instead of stuffing my face.
Living in nice surroundings - well my house is as nice as it can be but obviously I don't like the area and want to move, there isn't a huge amount I can do about that at the minute so I will just have to keep focusing on that changing and be ready for it when it happens!
Earning money in an enjoyable way - well that is a very tricky one for me, I am going to have to give that some thought and see what pops up but I think that's probably a really big conundrum for most people these days, we all need cash but very few get up in the morning delighted about the day ahead of them so I will have to put my thinking cap on there.
Anyway I think that's enough for now, that is plenty to be getting on with!
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Something funny has happened (funny in a good way), whether these things are linked or not I don't know but I will explain what's been going on.
I have been meditating on and off for a while now, have enjoyed it and found it helpful. A few days ago I did a meditation on finding your soul mate, just a short one I found on YouTube. I've been single for a very long time and as I'm trying to boost myself a bit now I thought this would be interesting to meditate on.
It's a guided meditation so you're talked into a state of relaxation and then you're asked to visualise various things, at which point you're supposed to sense your soul mate nearby; you might not be able to see them but you're on a beach, it's all very relaxing and so on. I saw not my soul mate but my step-dad, and I had an overwhelming urge (within the meditation) to beat, torture and kill him. I let my imagination do what it wanted; it was very violent, unpleasant and really not at all characteristic of me and the sort of thing I usually find quite frightening but I just went with it. As the meditation finished I found I was smiling and feeling very content and calm. I decided not to let this worry me; it's an imaginative act in my mind and has no bearing on my real life and my behaviour day to day, so I just got on with my day as usual.
Since then, however, I have felt as though some sort of obstacle or blockage has been lifted. I've felt calmer than I have in many, many years - I am on tablets for stress at the moment so obviously they have a calming effect anyway but this feels like something deeper than that - and I've felt more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin. I've also found, bizarrely, that my phone has been ringing frequently; I can go more than a week at a time without the phone ringing at all which is something that always makes me feel very lonely so this flurry of activity is unusual. I also decided to give online dating a go again and have had some very nice chats with some nice people - no smut or hook ups (a couple have asked but I just said no thanks and they've left me alone) and one chap in particular seems very nice and I've said I will meet him for a drink.
It almost feels as if the spectre of my step-dad has finally been moved in some way. Very strange, I don't know what to make of it but anyway, thought I would write it up here before it gets lost in the sea of day to day activity again.
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What an uplifting post, Tupp.
About the visualizing things that are scary, but need to be felt, and dealt with.....
I know just what you mean.
::nodding::
I'm also experiencing the phone ringing, with many folks reaching out to me, which is a definite shift I attribute to my energy too. Funny it's happening for both of us at the same time..... mine started about 2 weeks ago.
I had 2 groups of folks ask to visit this past weekend, and it was......
nice.
Honestly, I can't think of anything negative... it was all positive, with me handling things (that might have been a bit bothersome/awkward) with calm assertiveness, which is new for me. SO freeing to shed feelings of obligation to manage anyone elses feelings.... I just focus on my own, and resist jumping in where I end and others begin.
Truth be told, I did jump a couple of times, and noted very clearly that it was a mistake, which drove the lessons home, rather than creating shame. Still learning, and trying to be very patient and calm with myself while doing it; )
((((Tupp))))
You sound great: )
Lighter
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What an uplifting post, Tupp.
About the visualizing things that are scary, but need to be felt, and dealt with.....
I know just what you mean.
::nodding::
I'm also experiencing the phone ringing, with many folks reaching out to me, which is a definite shift I attribute to my energy too. Funny it's happening for both of us at the same time..... mine started about 2 weeks ago.
I had 2 groups of folks ask to visit this past weekend, and it was......
nice.
Honestly, I can't think of anything negative... it was all positive, with me handling things (that might have been a bit bothersome/awkward) with calm assertiveness, which is new for me. SO freeing to shed feelings of obligation to manage anyone elses feelings.... I just focus on my own, and resist jumping in where I end and others begin.
Truth be told, I did jump a couple of times, and noted very clearly that it was a mistake, which drove the lessons home, rather than creating shame. Still learning, and trying to be very patient and calm with myself while doing it; )
((((Tupp))))
You sound great: )
Lighter
Oh wow Lighter that's so cool that it's happening to you too! I am noticing I can be more detached and see my actions/reactions as they are rather than feeling negative about them; as you say, without shame. I tried the internet dating again; I noticed I tend to want to approach men who I immediately feel are better than me and who live a lifestyle that is completely incompatible with mine. So I've very deliberately made myself chat with 'normal' men; I think it's the fear of getting close to someone that makes me reach out for people who really aren't suitable. I've had some lovely conversations and found I've enjoyed myself; I also saw someone on there who I went out with over twenty years ago, contacted him and we've just had a nice chat on the phone. How funny that a similar thing is happening to both of us, there must be something in the air! I just feel more like a human being than someone who is pretending to be one, if that makes any sense? Some of the background voices have stopped and that constant negative echo isn't as strong as it used to be.
Here's to good times and enjoying them when they happen :) xx
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I just feel more like a human being than someone who is pretending to be one, if that makes any sense? Some of the background voices have stopped and that constant negative echo isn't as strong as it used to be. (http://I just feel more like a human being than someone who is pretending to be one, if that makes any sense? Some of the background voices have stopped and that constant negative echo isn't as strong as it used to be.)
Absolute WOWness, Tupp. WOWzatude! WOWzerama!
Oh so pleased to read this.
hugs,
Hops
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Good for you...
Is it possible you can post the link, I would like to try it. There is one woman here in LA that completely changed my attitude towards dating and meeting someone, and in the year after I read her book and took her visioning classes, I met someone who I dated for a year. It was a wonderful year but did not last.
Her name is Kathryn Alice and the book is called - Love will find you. She has a very interesting section on emotional healing, which bothered me alot when I first read it, which was a year before I figured out my Mother is a Narcissist. Turns out alot of the issues I dealt with were covered there before I really knew or understood them. She also has videos on Youtube that are very helpful.
:D
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Tupp:
Every time I shift into observation mode, I have this clear recollection of Hops explaining same, more than once I'm sure, and it helps me.
It helps me find comfort in the unfamiliar feelings, and discomfort of letting things be, and every time I do it I get more comfortable.
Thank you, Hops: ) You've been teaching lessons on this board for years.... so many, and they help. Some people say things so others can digest and absorb the message. You're one of those; )
Awww.... I suddenly miss CB.
((((Hops))))
Lighter
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Oh, gee, Lighter. :oops:
I miss CB too...nobody wiser ever. Or kinder.
(I do repeat my stories...)
:D
xo
Hops
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Good for you...
Is it possible you can post the link, I would like to try it. There is one woman here in LA that completely changed my attitude towards dating and meeting someone, and in the year after I read her book and took her visioning classes, I met someone who I dated for a year. It was a wonderful year but did not last.
Her name is Kathryn Alice and the book is called - Love will find you. She has a very interesting section on emotional healing, which bothered me alot when I first read it, which was a year before I figured out my Mother is a Narcissist. Turns out alot of the issues I dealt with were covered there before I really knew or understood them. She also has videos on Youtube that are very helpful.
:D
Hi Ales :)
This is the one I was using that day:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6cMyA5S0NA
I hope I've done that right but if there's a problem it's by Jason Stephenson and it's called Attracting Your Soulmate, Guided Meditation to Find a Girlfriend or Boyfriend. I've tried a few of his meditations and I really like them; I find his voice soothing, his choice of music works well for me and I find the pictures that he creates in my mind are very comforting.
It's funny you mentioning a book that bothered you in the past; I've just dug one out that I couldn't get on with at all when I read it a few years back but now it makes so much more sense, I suppose we just need to be at the right point when we try these things.
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I just feel more like a human being than someone who is pretending to be one, if that makes any sense? Some of the background voices have stopped and that constant negative echo isn't as strong as it used to be. (http://I just feel more like a human being than someone who is pretending to be one, if that makes any sense? Some of the background voices have stopped and that constant negative echo isn't as strong as it used to be.)
Absolute WOWness, Tupp. WOWzatude! WOWzerama!
Oh so pleased to read this.
hugs,
Hops
Aw thanks Hops, I have deflated a little bit over the last day or so but I think that's what I need to get my head around, no-one walks on air all the time and life can and does go through difficult/trying/boring/unfulfilling stages, I think we just need enough good bits to make that okay don't we? Thank you :) x
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Tupp:
Every time I shift into observation mode, I have this clear recollection of Hops explaining same, more than once I'm sure, and it helps me.
It helps me find comfort in the unfamiliar feelings, and discomfort of letting things be, and every time I do it I get more comfortable.
Thank you, Hops: ) You've been teaching lessons on this board for years.... so many, and they help. Some people say things so others can digest and absorb the message. You're one of those; )
Awww.... I suddenly miss CB.
((((Hops))))
Lighter
Yes, ditto that, Lighter, Hops is a very wise and caring soul, as are others on here. It's funny but I have very vivid pictures in my mind of what you all look like, how you speak, what your homes are like and so on, probably nothing like the reality! But it's funny how we create pictures in our heads of people, but I do hear your voices in my mind when things are happening, good and bad, I can hear the advice and words of support and it's really so good. I remember years ago when I first started therapy and I realised how surrounded I was by negative people, gossip, slander, malice, and what I found scary about trying to avoid it was that without that there was just silence. It's taken so many years to fill that void with better sounds and it's so easy (for me, anyway) to fall back into those old patterns when I'm struggling to cope. It does make me think it's so important to try and say something nice or constructive/supportive to people when you can, it might be the only good thing they hear all day, you just don't know, do you?
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Have struggled a little bit the last couple of days but I think that is what happens when you are learning/practising a new skill, peaks and troughs and all that!
I've been worrying about getting some work done on my van. I went to a mechanic who had been recommended by a friend, who has turned out to be a terrible mechanic and has done a bad job on the van. My regular garage told me to take it back to him to get him to put right what he'd done wrong and it was booked in for today, and I have been worrying about it all the while.
I don't like confrontation and the thought of having to tell him he did a bad job and he had to put it right has been bothering me. I've also been worrying about the friend who made the recommendation feeling bad about referring me to someone who gives bad service and about the mechanic doing a bad job again and making the situation worse. It's also a difficult place to get to logistically and I have been worrying about my son having to cope with another long journey by public transport when we drop the van off and pick it up again, and that it might need to all be done again if he messes up a second time.
I think that's why I've been crotchety the last couple of days and I have realised that, for some reason, when I'm worried I don't consciously worry about the thing that's actually bothering me, I pick away at myself, my weight, my appearance, all the things I do wrong and so on. I hadn't really noticed that before so I'm going to have to work on that a bit and try and get to the heart of the worry rather than dismantling myself!
Anyway, I have cancelled the booking, I decided I would rather pay my regular garage, who are very good, to do the work again properly than risk messing about with this guy again in the hope of saving a few pounds so I've cancelled. Have nagging feelings of offending/inconveniencing him, my friend and the garage I will ask to sort it all out but I think with this sort of thing I will just have to keep muddling through and eventually one day I won't worry about everyone else so much?
Equally I've been contacted by all of the friends I fell out with over my son's birthday in the last couple of days. I think they all talk about me and make a group decision to get in touch, it just seems too much of a coincidence that I hear nothing for weeks and then they all contact me in the space of two days. It has left me feeling unsettled, as have comments about how they haven't seen me for ages and they have presents for my son. It feels manipulative and unhelpful; my point, as I've explained over and over again, is that they need to make the effort to come to me some of the time and none of them do and as that situation hasn't changed neither have my feelings. I've been polite, replied to their texts but explained I am busy and can't see them. I'm not getting drawn into going over it all again and I don't want them in my life any more; I don't want bad feeling but neither do I want to be around them. I've stuck to my guns but feel unsettled.
I got upset about both of my sisters yesterday; the one I have recently fallen out with because I do miss her and I do want her in my life, but I want us to be friends and equals, not the way things are which is I'm just there when she wants something. I don't think she can/will do anything to change that so I will have to let that be which makes me feel sad. Perhaps it will change in the future, who knows but for now I feel a bit empty and let down.
My younger sister was rushed to hospital, thankfully is alright now but I found myself getting angry about her partner; she's pregnant with their fourth child, very unwell and he does nothing around the house, won't cook, walk the dog, do laundry or anything like that. She sounded so ill when I spoke to her this morning and yet is telling me she can't rest because no-one else will do anything and I found myself getting angry and having to bite my tongue. I just see that legacy of 'I'm not good enough' being repeated and passed on to the children, no doubt. There's nothing I can do; practically I live too far away to help but I also feel it should be her partner who rolls his sleeves up (and the two older children) but I know my 'sticking my nose in' tendency isn't helpful so I am being careful about what I say. But food for thought and it upset me a bit.
Anyway - moving onwards. All of this has been going on against the backdrop of the internet dating and I noticed how differently I felt about that because I didn't feel so good in myself. Peaks and troughs, I am keeping on keeping on but feel tired today and could do with a beautiful beach and lots of lovely kind people around me :) x
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Internet dating is revealing a lot of my insecurities, my need to please and my need to create a scenario in my head that everyone has to fit into. I have been chatting to one guy who seems nice; he asked if I fancied meeting for a drink, I said yes and gave him my number and have yet to hear any more. To me that seems odd; I'd have arranged something but I am having to remind myself that people do things in different ways but I find it really difficult not to read a million things into anything. Anyway - I would like to meet him, he seems nice but I am aware how disappointed I will be if he turns out to be very different to the way I imagine him; I think that's why I like to meet fairly quickly so that there isn't too much time to build an unrealistic picture in my head.
An ex boyfriend got in touch; I toyed with the idea of meeting him for a drink and then received a smutty text from him. There was a time I'd have responded in kind; I'd have felt obliged to and would have worried about appearing prudish if I didn't. This time I thought 'urgh' and deleted it. He's messaged again since and I've ignored him.
Other than that I'm finding very few men are approaching me and the ones that are want sex. I feel on the one hand that I want to wait and see how the one I like the sound of turns out; on the other I'm already feeling a bit bored that nothing else has happened there so feel I might want to cast my net a little bit. I'd like to have some fun. It would just be exciting to be planning a date and deciding what to wear and so on.
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We went to a street market today just by chance as we saw it when we were driving somewhere else, had a bit of a wander round and then spotted a stall that was recruiting volunteers to help with a charity that supports homeless veterans. Homelessness is something that I feel very strongly about, particularly when it comes about through health problems as is often the case with members of the armed forces so I had a chat with the lady and there are things my son and I could get involved in. It was very nice, I've been wanting to find something to get involved with and this seems like a good opportunity so I'm looking forward to finding out more.
On a funny note, driving home there were lots of people out and about and they kept waving to us. I was waving back, thinking that the sunshine had put everyone in a good mood, before I discovered that there's a vintage vehicle rally on today and our van is so old everyone thought we were part of the procession :)
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What a lovely day, Tupp 8)
Finding a volunteer opportunity sounds like a wonderful thing. When my 15yo gets back home she'll be required to find something that appeals to her. I'm guessing she'll choose the Manna Food bank, which my neighbor volunteers at weekly, so she could go with her to take me out of the loop, in case there's resistance..... always thinking ahead.
I don't know anything about volunteering to help Vets in homeless situations. Our school used to put on shows at the VA, which is a very tame affair requiring no more than determining who had teeth enough to handle cookies or donuts, patting arms, listening to stories and thanking brave men for their service. The missing limbs, and sad eyes make me weak, and weepy. I'm not good with medical stuff. You're a giant, Tupp.
I guess you'd be working with Vets in shelter situations?
The journey continues,
Lighter
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What a lovely day, Tupp 8)
Finding a volunteer opportunity sounds like a wonderful thing. When my 15yo gets back home she'll be required to find something that appeals to her. I'm guessing she'll choose the Manna Food bank, which my neighbor volunteers at weekly, so she could go with her to take me out of the loop, in case there's resistance..... always thinking ahead.
I don't know anything about volunteering to help Vets in homeless situations. Our school used to put on shows at the VA, which is a very tame affair requiring no more than determining who had teeth enough to handle cookies or donuts, patting arms, listening to stories and thanking brave men for their service. The missing limbs, and sad eyes make me weak, and weepy. I'm not good with medical stuff. You're a giant, Tupp.
I guess you'd be working with Vets in shelter situations?
The journey continues,
Lighter
It sounds like a really good set up, Lighter, they work with various groups who are homeless or at risk of becoming homeless and who also have other vulnerabilities, so veterans (usually suffering from PTSD, from the sound of things), adults with learning difficulties, people with substance abuse problems and so on. They have something like sheltered accommodation so there are staff on hand to help with all sorts of things from practical help with re-training and applying for jobs/college courses/benefits and so on but they also do a lot of therapy type activities, craft, art, sport and things like that. The opportunities to help out range from running courses and training programmes through to raising awareness by running stalls (like the one we went to today), befriending people who perhaps don't have family or friends to behind the scenes work in the offices and raising money through cake sales and so on. I've been thinking that raising awareness via stalls would be good for us to do, plus we could do some fund raising, maybe befriending and I thought I might be able to do some creative writing or a reading group or something like that? Or perhaps basic skills if there are people who need to improve their literacy? It seemed like a nice organisation.
I've often thought my boy would be good at a food bank because he loves lining stuff up! He'd be great at sorting things out and organising them :) It will be lovely for your D to get involved in that, I do think it's so good for kids to see that people do struggle sometimes and it's good to help them out :) x
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I have started reading the healing section at the back of 'Healing The Shame That Binds You' (John Bradshaw). I think someone on here recommended it to me quite a while ago now; I have read and re-read it many times and I can see progress as I know there are bits that I can remember working on before that as I read through now are no longer a problem (or at least not to such an extent).
Something I've become aware of with the online dating is my mum's story of her affair with her husband (who was married to her best friend). According to my mum, their love was so strong they couldn't help themselves and he is her true soul mate. From my perspective they were both horribly selfish and he in particular just slept with anything that would let him and only moved in with my mum when his wife found out what was going on and threw him out. Their relationship is horribly empty, they both spend their evenings getting drunk and he had multiple affairs, all of which she turned a blind eye to, as well as abusing her kids. Horrible.
What's silly is that in my head I've realised I am waiting for 'the one'; the big, all consuming relationship where the birds sing and stars flash across the sky and thunderbolts ring out. I've been feeling rotten about the online dating and I've realised it's because the guy I've been chatting to, who I like the look and sound of, hasn't fallen over himself to chase or pursue me. He has asked me if I'd like to meet for a drink but it will be a couple of weeks before we're both available at the same time. He works, has two children who live with him half of the week and has a lot of hobbies. All of this is good, in my opinion, he's a good dad, responsible father, he holds down a good job and he's kept himself busy and sociable after his marriage breakup instead of sitting indoors drinking and getting bitter. These are all good things but I have found my already fragile self esteem has been screaming "he doesn't want you enough" because he hasn't dropped everything to arrange an evening together. It's weird how I've just been feeling odd about it but couldn't work out quite why and then it came to me earlier today. So I'm glad I've recognised it now, I've settled down about the whole thing and am now looking forward to going out with him at some point.
I've also realised, as I'm re-reading stuff about needing to be around non-shaming people (hello, board! :) ) that I have done the opposite and surrounded myself with shaming people; people who criticise, don't understand, don't listen and don't care. I think it fulfils my need to be unwanted and unloved and I can carry on being the victim and not have to risk getting out there and making some real relationships with real people. Zoiks. That's a bit of a bit one, feels a bit scary. But good to see it as well.
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Hi Tupp:
I also like to re read books that meant a lot to me in the past. I underline in different colors at different readings, and see what jumped out for me each time. You're right, you can often gage growth, and see where you're making new connections. I'm glad you're doing that for yourself. I haven't done much of it in recent years.
Calming yourself before meeting this new chap is a good thing, IMO. It's just a meal or coffee, and it doesn't have to BE anything. It's a lovely moment to meet and share, and practice being mindful. Remember not to share too much.... remember to listen. Ask the Hops questions..... "tell me about your mum," and keep things light and positive. Whatever it is, you'll be OK.
::looking Tupp dead in the cyber eye::
Don't dismiss red flags......
Not the first one.
I hope you can keep your mum and sd out of her your head regarding dating. Everything really. It's sad their ickiness colors anything in your life. Just try to observe those negative thoughts, and let them go by without grabbing hold of them. Let them pass without emotion if you can. Leave them behind, Tupp. You have permission to DO that for yourself... just start over, and let them go.
I read Bradshaw's THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU almost 30 years ago, for the first time. I think it's time for another colored marker; )
Thanks for sharing your journey. I love reading your updates, (((Tup))).
Light
ps When you land in your new nest please PM your new address so I can mail a housewarming gift.
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Hi Tupp:
I also like to re read books that meant a lot to me in the past. I underline in different colors at different readings, and see what jumped out for me each time. You're right, you can often gage growth, and see where you're making new connections. I'm glad you're doing that for yourself. I haven't done much of it in recent years.
Calming yourself before meeting this new chap is a good thing, IMO. It's just a meal or coffee, and it doesn't have to BE anything. It's a lovely moment to meet and share, and practice being mindful. Remember not to share too much.... remember to listen. Ask the Hops questions..... "tell me about your mum," and keep things light and positive. Whatever it is, you'll be OK.
::looking Tupp dead in the cyber eye::
Don't dismiss red flags......
Not the first one.
I hope you can keep your mum and sd out of her your head regarding dating. Everything really. It's sad their ickiness colors anything in your life. Just try to observe those negative thoughts, and let them go by without grabbing hold of them. Let them pass without emotion if you can. Leave them behind, Tupp. You have permission to DO that for yourself... just start over, and let them go.
I read Bradshaw's THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU almost 30 years ago, for the first time. I think it's time for another colored marker; )
Thanks for sharing your journey. I love reading your updates, (((Tup))).
Light
ps When you land in your new nest please PM your new address so I can mail a housewarming gift.
That's so lovely of you, Lighter, thank you and I will :) x
The date never happened, he didn't call, it was okay though, I made the move and put myself out there a bit and it was fine, onwards and upwards as they say. I went out for the day with a friend during the week. I am looking at a new area to move to - this is all part of me improving my self esteem! I have given my situation with my son a lot of thought and I've been trying to pull out the different threads of what he wants and needs and what I want and need.
He is likely to need support throughout his adult life due to his neurological problems and he will need good, kind, emotionally healthy, balanced people around him to provide him with that. I realise that I have some issues around abandoning him that I need to work on a bit. I can't physically meet his needs for the rest of his life and even if I could, emotionally there will need to come a time when we aren't always together. So I've thought a lot more about the sort of area I want to live in and what I'd like to have more of in my life, and I've started looking for really good residential colleges in that area. It was a lovely day out and it's a really exciting, vibrant part of the country. It's a lot nicer than my current area :) So I'm going to work on that some more, spend some more time there and start setting my intentions in that area :)
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Wowsers, Tupp. You sound like you're experiencing amazing clarity and focus right now.
I love the idea of you moving to a better more vibrant area.... esp since it gets you away from the negative people you deserve to gain distance from, IMO.
Figuring out how you need to proceed for yourself, and your son, is wise and necessary. You're such a great mama..... I have chills reading your post.
((((Tupp and son)))
Spring is a lovely time of year to look for a new home.
Light
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Wowsers, Tupp. You sound like you're experiencing amazing clarity and focus right now.
I love the idea of you moving to a better more vibrant area.... esp since it gets you away from the negative people you deserve to gain distance from, IMO.
Figuring out how you need to proceed for yourself, and your son, is wise and necessary. You're such a great mama..... I have chills reading your post.
((((Tupp and son)))
Spring is a lovely time of year to look for a new home.
Light
Thank you for your kind words, Lighter, as always :) Plans are changing quickly at the moment and I feel in a bit of a rut/low patch emotionally. Residential colleges for my son will be best for him and for me in the long run but the reality of (a) accepting that his disability is life long and serious and (b) actually sorting things out hit me pretty hard this week and, as always, there's no-one in the real world to talk to about any of it and I have found it tough going. That said, I have found a number of colleges that sound good and that I think might be able to help him so I am thinking that we might go on a bit of a tour in our campervan and go and visit a few towards the end of the summer. He should have had more medical assessments by then so I should have a better idea of what he might need.
I have been feeling a bit like I've let myself down. I have wanted to badly to surround myself with good people and I've worked really hard on myself to do that but it hasn't happened. Hopefully if he goes to college and I go back to work that will change. But I feel a bit like I'm giving up on a dream and I've struggled with that a bit. Have felt very tired and emotional this week. I would love to just feel free and easy sometimes.
Lighter is your DD still at camp or has that finished now? xx
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Hi Tupp,
I hear you, but, like the saying goes "When you're going thru hell, just keep going".
Can you make an appointment to see a therapist/counselor to talk to? Just talking about the issues you're facing can really help. Maybe think about finding a therapist/counselor who you could see twice per month and who can be a support system? Since you're making a lot of changes in your life, a therapist/counselor support system can really help.
I hear you're feeling down, but look at where you've brought yourself to: You're standing up for yourself and taking so much ACTION to change your life for the better and that is AWESOME!! Give yourself the space to feel a lull in the midst of your rise. It's not a straight road: there are gullies, roundabouts and diversions, but you are on the right road. Stay on your road, stick to your plan and go forward.
Hope you feel better soon.
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Hi Tupp,
I hear you, but, like the saying goes "When you're going thru hell, just keep going".
Can you make an appointment to see a therapist/counselor to talk to? Just talking about the issues you're facing can really help. Maybe think about finding a therapist/counselor who you could see twice per month and who can be a support system? Since you're making a lot of changes in your life, a therapist/counselor support system can really help.
I hear you're feeling down, but look at where you've brought yourself to: You're standing up for yourself and taking so much ACTION to change your life for the better and that is AWESOME!! Give yourself the space to feel a lull in the midst of your rise. It's not a straight road: there are gullies, roundabouts and diversions, but you are on the right road. Stay on your road, stick to your plan and go forward.
Hope you feel better soon.
Ah thank you, Ann, I appreciate the comments very much :) I do keep thinking about seeing a therapist again. I had a wonderful one quite a few years back now who has moved out of the area and I tried another couple but didn't feel very relaxed with them or as if I wanted to open up so it sort of put me off trying again. But perhaps it would be good to start looking around for someone again, I did always find the support from counselling very helpful so it might be an idea to try and find somebody again now.
I forgot as well to write about something funny that happened yesterday. I think a man was chatting me up! And I was so flumoxed when I realised that's what he was doing that I really panicked and didn't know what to do, it was hilarious! I felt like a right wally afterwards but keep giggling about it now, it was the first time that's happened in so long I had no idea what to do :)
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Ann, I have found a counsellor who is local to me who sounds good on paper so I am thinking about giving her a ring and going along for a chat at some point, thank you for the shove in the right direction :)
I've been doing an inner child meditation I found on YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wg35Bc_10ks
I have found it interesting. I was looking for meditations to improve my self esteem and this one came up - nice and short which I like! As you go through it at a certain point the lady directs you to a tree, under which a child is playing happily and freely. The child is you and then there's some nice reconnecting stuff and so on.
What I found interesting is that when I saw the tree in my mind, I saw a child playing happily but she wasn't me, I was sitting completely alone and shut off from the world, utterly bereft and inconsolable. The adult me went over and picked her up, put her on my lap, cuddled her and talked to her and she wouldn't look up, she was completely rigid and couldn't be soothed or consoled in any way. I had a horrible day yesterday, felt dreadful and I realised this morning it's because that little girl is how I've felt all my life and the happyily playing child is the alter ego I've always presented to the world whilst keeping this poor little almost dead child locked away. It made me feel so sad and yet made sense at the same time.
I tried it again this morning and there was a change, I took her in my lap and she turned into me and started to sob and was just utterly bereft. It's so sad because I don't think my mum set out to do this to us, and I think in her own way she does love us, it's just that her view of the world and her perception of love is so utterly wonky that the best she's been able to manage is destroying everybody in her path when they don't do what she wants. It's such an utterly sad situation.
Anyway, I do feel that it's helping, I feel calmer and more content, I've not been badgering myself with endless criticisms the way I usually do, the day has been unfolding a bit more easily. I'm planning to do it again tomorrow and see if anything else has changed.
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Tupp.
This is so powerful.
I am deeply thrilled for you.
That you found her, held her, and accepted her as she was...and allowed her to weep.
I could feel the rigidity with you, and then the burst of relief.
I am so glad you have found this experience and are trusting it.
love
Hops
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Tupp.
This is so powerful.
I am deeply thrilled for you.
That you found her, held her, and accepted her as she was...and allowed her to weep.
I could feel the rigidity with you, and then the burst of relief.
I am so glad you have found this experience and are trusting it.
love
Hops
Thanks, Hops. I did find it very powerful. I've always struggled a bit with this inner child stuff, not because I don't believe in it or see the validity to it but I've always felt I've struggled to reconnect to any earlier stuff - I have experienced things with me the age I was when the abuse started but that was different because I was older and it wasn't with my mum so it sort of felt like a different set of problems. This was different, though, much younger age and I think there was just something about the lady's voice on the meditation that I found very nurturing and the picture she describes for you to follow felt very safe to me, for some reason. I've just woken up from an impromptu nap and I do just feel less empty inside than usual. It seems to be doing some good things :) How is your new job going now? xx
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I do just feel less empty inside than usual.
That is SO significant! Another thing to trust. (Joy.)
Job is a very mixed bag. Some pleasant stuff but a horrid (I have read about it) business model that's so exploitative. (They cancel your shift at the last minute if they think it won't be a "busy day.") Given the wealth of the winery owners, it's hard to stomach. And I feel worse for my coworkers, very young and carrying student debt. No wonder half of them are still in their parents' basements!
I am enjoying most of it (learning about wine, interacting with people) but don't think it's a long-term solution. And that's okay. I'll find a work mix that's right for me. I still have enough "cushion" that I'm not approaching this out of panic, for a change.
Not yet anyway!
Hugs
Ho
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Hi Tupp,
So glad you found a counsellor!! :D You deserve support, we all do. Great you reached out and found some.
Great to hear the Inner Child work is working for you.
I have found Inner Child work to be extremely insightful, self revealing and healing, although sometimes what is revealed can be very painful, as you noted. Inner Child work is like holding up a mirror to ourselves and really seeing what's going on in the deep, inner recesses of our psyche and how that effects us in our daily living.
Please try to get enough rest, like at least 7 hours per night, it really helps.
Please let us know how the counseling goes. If, by chance, you don't like the Counsellor, it's no biggie because you can find another one. If, on the other hand, you do like the Counsellor, then that would be awesome!!
Keep on keeping on, Tupp!! :D
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I do just feel less empty inside than usual.
That is SO significant! Another thing to trust. (Joy.)
Job is a very mixed bag. Some pleasant stuff but a horrid (I have read about it) business model that's so exploitative. (They cancel your shift at the last minute if they think it won't be a "busy day.") Given the wealth of the winery owners, it's hard to stomach. And I feel worse for my coworkers, very young and carrying student debt. No wonder half of them are still in their parents' basements!
I am enjoying most of it (learning about wine, interacting with people) but don't think it's a long-term solution. And that's okay. I'll find a work mix that's right for me. I still have enough "cushion" that I'm not approaching this out of panic, for a change.
Not yet anyway!
Hugs
Ho
I hate the way that works now, so many people I know of are working day to day never knowing whether they'll be needed or not so they never know how much money is coming in. It's not such a problem if you're a student and just working for beer money but for people who need a proper income it's terrible. I'm glad it's keeping you ticking over, though, and will keep my fingers crossed that something more suited to you comes along soon xx
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Hi Tupp,
So glad you found a counsellor!! :D You deserve support, we all do. Great you reached out and found some.
Great to hear the Inner Child work is working for you.
I have found Inner Child work to be extremely insightful, self revealing and healing, although sometimes what is revealed can be very painful, as you noted. Inner Child work is like holding up a mirror to ourselves and really seeing what's going on in the deep, inner recesses of our psyche and how that effects us in our daily living.
Please try to get enough rest, like at least 7 hours per night, it really helps.
Please let us know how the counseling goes. If, by chance, you don't like the Counsellor, it's no biggie because you can find another one. If, on the other hand, you do like the Counsellor, then that would be awesome!!
Keep on keeping on, Tupp!! :D
Thanks, Ann :) I do find reaching into those dark places scary. I think something that put me off counselling a bit was that I felt I was analysing everything, all the time, I couldn't just accept something as it was, I was constantly looking for some sort of sub text or hidden meaning. I've dropped back on that a bit now, perhaps it was just a phase, I don't know but I find it easier to not have to poke too much into everything. I will keep on with the mediation, though, I have been finding that very useful and I'm amazed at how powerful it can be sometimes, you wouldn't think someone telling a little story with some background music would have such an effect, would you?
I have been trying to reach out to real people as well and do more things with my life that are a bit out of my comfort zone. I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow - I usually take my son with me but I've asked a friend to come and sit with him at home, we're going to have lunch beforehand so I'm looking forward to that. I've agreed to meet up with a very ex boyfriend (dated him in my teens); I had been going through my usual list of 'what ifs' and freaking out but it's just a couple of hours so I've said yes and we're going to meet in a local pub. And next week they're showing an opera at the local cinema - do they do that in the States? They started doing it here a few years ago, where they screen live shows at the local cinema. I've never been to an Opera so I saw this and thought I'd give it a go. I'm going on my own - eek! I'm just not feeling such a need to put a front on. It feels a bit scary to put myself out there as I really am and give people a chance to like me or not - I suppose in the past it's always been about whether or not people liked the persona and then I guess it's not so bad if they don't because it's not really you? I don't know. Anyway - it's raining again! Another British summer is underway :)
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Oh how cool.
The opera!
Yes, they do that here too, in an old renovated theater that's gorgeous.
I haven't been yet but apparently the sound/sights are incredible HD and gorgeous.
I love listening to some opera...you can just get washed into a river of a story even in another language. The music and voices tell it.
My first real opera almost turned me off forever though. FIVE HOURS of Don Giovanni in Paris, and I was 17 and tired, and couldn't understand why my hosts were torturing me with a marathon, but was determined to be polite.
In a comfy movie seat where you can see everything close up (and leave if you like) it'll be a different story!
Which opera, do you know?
Hugs
Hops
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Oh how cool.
The opera!
Yes, they do that here too, in an old renovated theater that's gorgeous.
I haven't been yet but apparently the sound/sights are incredible HD and gorgeous.
I love listening to some opera...you can just get washed into a river of a story even in another language. The music and voices tell it.
My first real opera almost turned me off forever though. FIVE HOURS of Don Giovanni in Paris, and I was 17 and tired, and couldn't understand why my hosts were torturing me with a marathon, but was determined to be polite.
In a comfy movie seat where you can see everything close up (and leave if you like) it'll be a different story!
Which opera, do you know?
Hugs
Hops
5 hours is a bit much! I don't think this one is that long (at least I hope not!). It's called Werther and is apparently losely based on 'The Sorrows of Young Werther' which I remember reading at University although I don't remember what it was about! I took my son to see the ballet at the cinema last month and it was just incredible, I almost cried, there's something so amazing about watching incredible talent ooze out of people. Made me wish I'd been a ballerina :) So I thought I should make the most of this, the cinema isn't far from where we live and the tickets are quite cheap (much cheaper than the actual live show would be!) so I've noted down all the things they've got on for the rest of the season. I'm really looking forward to going out without my son, to be honest, will be nice not to have to worry about getting him around and whether or not he's getting bored, I can just sit there and get lost in it :)
Have you seen another real opera since the first marathon, Hopsie? xx
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Lots of symphonies and chamber performances and chorales...but no, no more opera yet! I have retirement hopes and that'd be one thing I'd love to do again. Mozart for me this time, though.
Enjoy it!
Hops
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Lots of symphonies and chamber performances and chorales...but no, no more opera yet! I have retirement hopes and that'd be one thing I'd love to do again. Mozart for me this time, though.
Enjoy it!
Hops
Well I'll keep my fingers crossed that you enjoy the next one more :) Will let you know what this one is like :) x
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Meditation again. I've been doing the same inner child one each morning. Yesterday I felt excited about seeing her, as if I was really going to visit someone. It really feels like stepping into another world. I was looking forward to it but once the meditation got underway I found it hard to stay with it. I saw her again and she was happier this time and more child like but I felt a bit like I was pretending and that made me feel sad. I found the day difficult yesterday, felt very low and didn't really want to do much. Today I woke up and when I started thinking about meditating I was horrified to find that I felt hatred towards this little girl, that I wanted nothing to do with her. In my mind I could see her being happy to see me and me rebuking her and shouting at her to go away and get out of my sight, and then her reaction and her changing back into the sad, scared little girl she had been. It was horrible. So I took some time to adjust my mood a bit, it's very weird but I felt as if I would actually be shouting and being nasty to a real child? So I didn't want to do it. Anyway, I calmed down a bit and got myself in check and then did the meditation. Again, I found I was wandering a bit but I felt genuinely happy to see her and she was again happier and in a more playful mood. I found her reaching out to show me things and I was crouched down looking and feeling genuinely interested in what she wanted to show me and for a flash I saw myself as my own mum, much younger, interested and engaged and being very loving toward me and I started to cry.
I don't remember my mum ever behaving like that towards me but perhaps she did and I was too young to remember or it's just been lost or buried in other things. I don't know. But it was very strong and made me feel both sad and happy at the same time. I'm wondering if this might help her to heal a bit, in some way, I don't really know how. But it feels real enough to affect me so perhaps it will help her a little bit too. The meditation carried on and I found it easier to stay with it and by the time it had finished felt very peaceful and content. I am enjoying doing it. I feel much better than I did yesterday and I have a friend coming over for lunch and then she's going to sit with my son while I go for a doctor's appointment. So that's enjoying someone else's company - tick - eating well - tick - and taking care of my health needs by going to the medical appointment, so all self care and looking after me.
I noticed yesterday that I had a real urge to buy body moisturiser and some new clothes. I don't really bother with myself much at all most of the time but I am starting to feel that I want to look after myself more and feel a bit more comfortable when I'm out.
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Did the same meditation again and I think that will be the last time now. The little girl is happy, smiling, laughing, was happy to see me, happy to watch me go, everything felt easy. How funny that you can see a story in your mind like that and it can change over a period of time. It's a very soothing meditation for me, one I think I will bookmark to use during difficult times. Feel refreshed after doing it.
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It was so powerful that you experienced some hatred toward her, because that is such an honest representation of the self-hatred you internalized because of how you were parented. And you also found love for her.
I don't think you have to tie it up with a bow. She's there, you cannot hurt her, you can only learn from her.
You've had such courage to go so far within and be open to what you're learning there.
Bravo, Tupp.
Hops
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It was so powerful that you experienced some hatred toward her, because that is such an honest representation of the self-hatred you internalized because of how you were parented. And you also found love for her.
I don't think you have to tie it up with a bow. She's there, you cannot hurt her, you can only learn from her.
You've had such courage to go so far within and be open to what you're learning there.
Bravo, Tupp.
Hops
Thanks, Hops :) It feels funny to think of those other parts as almost being like real people, it's an odd thing to describe, I think, but I have found it very helpful and I just feel different? I can't really explain it but I just don't feel as empty inside and I'm not giving myself such a hard time constantly?
I went on a sort of half date last night. He's a guy I went out with over twenty years ago, when we were both teenagers. We've got a couple of mutual friends so we've bumped into each other every now and again and met up for a drink last night. During the day I found myself being very critical of him, picking holes in anything he'd ever said or done, basically finding reasons not to go. And I realised that's how my anxiety presents itself; I've always thought I'm not particularly anxious because I don't think "Oh, I'm worried about this, and that, and something else". But I do get very snipy and I pick holes and judge and fuss and I think it's just to talk myself out of doing something. So I ignored the urge to cancel and went anyway. I don't think he's completely my type (or I his) but I had a nice enough couple of hours and I would be happy to go out with him again, although I've realised I prefer doing things on dates rather than sitting talking for hours so I might suggest a walk instead of the pub. But anyway, in the spirit of getting on with things and trying to live a normal life it was nice to get out and I feel like I've given myself a good nudge in the right direction.
It was interesting because I kept in mind what you said about asking about their mums (when you went out with your chappie a little while ago) and I'd met his mum years back. When I asked after her he got a bit teary because she's not well and they don't know if she'll get better and he said he was finding it hard to cope with which to me is a normal reaction to have which was quite reassuring.
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Heck, yeah.
His heart is affected with sadness at the upcoming loss of his mum?
He sounds human.
So glad you feel less empty inside.
There is someone in there.
love,
Hops
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Heck, yeah.
His heart is affected with sadness at the upcoming loss of his mum?
He sounds human.
So glad you feel less empty inside.
There is someone in there.
love,
Hops
It's funny, isn't it, I've got so used to negative feelings about my mum that it surprises me when other people don't and I have to remind myself that what I experienced isn't usual. I think as well because I mostly talk about my mum on here - with other people who've been through similar - I forget that other people have 'normal' childhoods. His family isn't without falling outs and disputes but that's normal, I think, he didn't say a lot about it but it sounded like the usual things most families go through. It didn't sound toxic.
I think here's to moving forward and getting over another stepping stone :) Have a lovely weekend, Hopsie xxx
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You too, ((((Tupp)))!
Hops
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Went on a date this evening with a man I met online dating. He was nice, I enjoyed myself but ................... I have realised that pretty much any man triggers memories of my step-dad. I think I'm going to use this dating time as an opportunity to work through some of those issues. Not quite sure how! But will work on it.
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Tupp:
How does it feel when you think of working through the sd issues?
You sound so very resolved, and calm about it.
Are you?
Lighter
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Hi Lighter :)
I feel more resigned than calm, I think? I feel sort of groggy today, which I know is 'stuff' whirring about. My default process seems to be that I just feel yucky for a while until whatever it is that's actually bothering me surfaces and I can work on it a bit. I think it's that realisation as well that all men have similarities to other men, just through being male, if that makes sense. So the guy last night was polite, articulate, well educated and could hold a conversation. No comparison there to my step-dad. But his hairline was receeding - as it will be with any guy in his forties - and there was just a moment that he turned his head and for a second I saw my step-dad there and felt sick. He had his sleeves rolled up and at one point in the night rolled them back down and did them up - second flashback. And then he adjusted his position in his chair and again, I saw my step-dad there.
I think I've, for some reason, had a thing in my mind that it just wouldn't be an issue eventually, and that as long as I dated guys who were polite and considerate they'd be different enough to him not to trigger me. But now I'm thinking that any 'maleness' is going to trigger it at some point. I did find a therapist who seemed good (on paper). I've not booked an appointment with her yet but I'm thinking it might be a good idea to start seeing her alongside the dating so that I can work through issues as they are triggered. The cost is worrying me slightly but equally I think it's money well spend and it won't be forever - I think I might do a six week block and then see where I stand. And perhaps focus on simply dealing with the triggers and flashbacks rather than trying to 'cure' myself of him, which I think now might never happen.
Anyway - things to ponder on. How are you feeling now after speaking to the attorney yesterday? xx
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I'm so sorry you have to deal with sd flashbacks, ((((Tupp)))).
So very sorry.
I hope there is a T process that can desensitize you to those memories (sound PTSD, so perhaps asking potential Ts if they can approach your treatment from the perspective of you being a PTSD child abuse survivor). And still allow trust to build with a trustworthy man, capable of love and loyalty. No, not capable of these. Motivated by them.
love
Hops
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I feel the usual....
I go back and forth between feeling shaken violently, and then normal, then shaken, then maybe a little manic, then shaken.
Right now I feel normal but recently shaken; )
If you find a good trauma T ask about container work. It might be helpful. Not sure, but you know I'm wishing the best for you.
Lighter