Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: lighter on September 15, 2016, 12:31:59 PM
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Lately I've been paying very close attention to what I'm getting out of some negative patterns I've identified for myself.
Hops.... putting off paperwork, for example. What I get is avoiding the emotional upheaval of dealing with details and people, some incompetent or misinformed people.
All.
Those.
Details.
I have a distinct and marked aversion to conflict also....... I think that's part of the equation, plus there are other things I'd rather be doing, of course.
What would I gain IF I handled each piece of paper as it arrived? A lot, and I get that. I stand to gain more than I would lose..... It's just that organizing paperflow isn't my strong suit.... but I'm working on it; )
Things are under control right now, not perfect, but I have the choice of creating new habits, or repeat old ones, I see that very clearly.
I have travel for school in October, and planning a Haunted House, and travel at the end of this month, and DD15 visiting again in October so making positive changes will have a huge impact, IMO, and I'm cutting myself lots of slack....
new systems don't have to be "perfect" just in place, and mindfully tended to... imperfectly tended to that is. I see where having to have things "perfect" has paralyzed my ability to respond/act in the past, and I want to cut that pattern down, and replace replace replace.
Caring for the dog feels better than it ever has right now, which is a relief. Youngest dd pitches in without complain when asked.... again. It's a relief. My youngest dd14 is on top of school, achieving, turning in work ahead of time, and knocking out cool artsy projects we plan and share..... she gets up on her own, giving herself 2 hours to do whatever it is she needs to do in the morning.
For me that means she's forming proactive habits that make it possible for her to feel in control of her own life, and prepared as she enters her day/week. Her teachers placed her into some AP classes she didn't expect to be in this year... she's never wanted to be in AP classes..... she's conflicted about this. She resents the extra work, for instance, and this morning expressed some negative feelings. I said "but you're brilliant and capable of the work" and her response was "but I feel they're prosecuting me"...
very funny bc she meant she feels they're "weeding out the smart kids." On some level she's elevated the "superstar" overachiever kids above her abilities, which makes her doubt herself.
She's very funny, and quirky, and you never know what she's going to say, lol.
My oldest will be 16yo soon. Our visit was nice, and she's growing, and making progress..... 2 steps forward, and all that. Changing old patterns is so difficult. For some years I responded to my children out of habit.... I wasn't growing as a parent, but attending to them as younger children at that younger child level.... just surviving some of the trime frankly.... no time or energy to research the next age appropriate phase, and how to meet it/deal with it.
I have to identify my part in dd15's patterns, and that means I'm dealing with things I haven't been able to deal with yet.... from the past 16 years really. It feels like I'm moving fast, and in the right direction... like it's time to deal with this stuff, and I'm ready. The legal stuff is ending, and other doors are opening. All three of us are benefitting.... it's good, IMO.
If anyone here deals with Iron deficiencies, or suspects same they may want to see about an Iron IV. When I look at my ability to focus, shift into observer mode, and attend to problems with less emotion I see the BIT and the IV as the two major likely contributing factor in recent months.
I'm just this side of dreading fall bc of three major leaf blowing sessions ahead of me, but the dread isn't materializing like it did last fall. I have a 3 phase plan of what to do, and am actually looking forward to being active in the cooler temperatures.
I'm looking forward to the Amazon firepit, and sharing it with others. It's a good thing.
It's a new thing; )
Lighter
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My resistance takes a little different form Lighter.
I resist doing what I know I should, to take care of myself. Give me things to do for someone else, and I'm all over it. I buy yogurt, put in the fridge until it's past it use by date; throw it out... rinse & repeat. I finally stopped buying yogurt.
Give me something complex & difficult and I'll make short work of it -- UNLESS it's something that really benefits me. That taboo is still there; the magical thinking that if I allow myself this one thing... something bad will happen. It's negative magical thinking; the flip side of "if I'm really really good Santa will bring the pony I want".
And at the moment, I'm resisting getting on with this move. Of being the active force in letting go my "nest" here... at my favorite time of year no less. Resisting calling in the troops - with offers from near & far that they will be here. It's not simply being tired & needing a break; there is a strong emotional pull to let myself get totally absorbed in various "wastes of time"; to "not think" and even for a time - let myself forget "me" altogether and just be "in a story" - either film or book.
I've gotten very good at standing in the middle of my great space... turning 360 and looking at this thing that needs to be done, then that one, and then move on to this... before I do x, y, & z. Until it's lunch time and then, well... I need a rest. And before I've really gotten my motivation going again, well it's mid-afternoon and time to get the mail... and now it's dinnertime.
It's much less perfectionism, planning, distaste, or even questioning my ability to accomplish what I set out to do. And despite my noticing that I always feel better when I have crossed a big chunk of things off my list... and my ability "to do" expands... there is this whiny seriously needy little child demanding that someone else do it and take care of her at the very same time. Or she'll get mad or cry... and that will REALLY make bad things happen.
The visual chaos caused by piles of boxes & packing supplies lights up the anxiety fire. So does, leaving this place... for someone who moved 7 times in 5 years without a second thought; shouldering the actual work myself; I'm not overjoyed at this move. I'm not planning ahead for the new place either. I'm simply taking all my "stuff" and plunking it there... and then, later on... figuring out where things will go. I am still purging; sorting. And trying to find a timeline that I can reasonably expect to be ready -- for the people I will need to help me do this; do this for me.
Physically; emotionally - I now have my doubts about being able to meet any selected deadline. I don't know when I'll be so tired, I'm starting to hurt myself... or this "resistance" will strike. I have gone past that point several times lately; I don't recognize that I'm getting there - my attention is all on "doing" and continuing to move. Until I hit the wall. Smash. Crash. Bench that player and we don't know when they'll be able to return to the game.
I suspect this is all some kind of deeper level "firmware" feedback loop that ran a bunch of sub-programs. I've cleaned up a lot of the sub-programs, but the main "bug" still exists in the programs and throws a "fault" which crashes the whole system because there are still artifacts floating around that simulate the same "if, then..." scenario of the deeper level bug. Like a single character typo in a line of code.
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(((((sKeP))))))
I agree it might be a feedback loop running in the background.
That's one of the subjects I'm studying, among several.
I do know one thing..... this difficult time in your life will pass, IME.
Soon enough you'll be in your new home planning a barn, and wondering where you'll put your easel, IMO.
Please be very mindful with your joints, and muscles. As they say.... you will miss them when they're gone, so be careful while you still can.
Again, less is more. Take only those things that bring you joy. Let the kids have family things you want to pass on... let them go now if you can.
You don't have to take everything, or anything maybe. You don't have to do anything, in fact. Sit with the fear, and the tension and whatever is driving you.
Take out all the "shoulds" and "have to" and see where you end up.
((((Amber)))) Sending you permission to rest, and do less than you believe you must.
What do you really need now?
Lighter
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Poignant, real issues...Lighter and PR both.
I'm sorry I've been so unhelpful lately.
(New PT job with hopes for a FT one. TIRED. Or, Southernly, tard tard...)
NOT for this thread. I'll start one mebbe this weekend and fill y'all in.
Meanwhile, though, I hear Lighter's cautious struggle with the shape of being, how to be safe in balance and beauty and getting it All Right.
And Amber's almost opposite struggle, to let the Shit Hit Fan where it wants to, so she can breaaathe.
Let me just wish both of you, expansive peace, dropped shoulders, tension inexplicably flowing down your arms and out your fingers and even for a moment, just one, it's gone.
It's all...just stuff.
The perfection and processes and plans...the chaos and loss and piled boxes.
It's all stuff, and where your hearts are is maybe rocked and bruised but still glows.
love
Hops
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There you are ((Hops.))
Please do catch us up when you get a moment.
Your post was lovely, btw.
Light
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It's taken me ten months to print out my temporary medical card onto a piece of paper because I have no idea if the actual one ever came, printed it today. It's extremely neglectful. I pay insurance, I don't use it.
Maybe it falls beyond the category of procrastination, maybe this is on the cusp of crazy. When I procrastinate on things, it's often related to anxiety, fear or discouragement of some sort.
PR> " for someone who moved 7 times in 5 years ".
That is a lot of moving. I sort of feel like if I never had to move ever again or for the next ten years I would be happy.
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I've finished the first part of my training, and now focus on case studies. The plan is to move through this as quickly as can be managed.
The science of restoring blood and energy flow to disrupted pathways in the midbrain, limbic system, and neocortex, (damaged from trauma/perceived trauma), is a quick explanation of the work.
I've been aware of this missing piece of the puzzle since I was in my early twenties.
It's priceless, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around the possibilities.
Lighter
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As it comes clear to you, I hope you can put your interpretation of it here, Lighter. It sounds very helpful. That little bit of it makes absolute sense to me, btw.
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Adventures in home ownership......
I rubbed moss off my house shingles then blew the gutters out yesterday.
Ahhh.... fall.
Again.
The roof's about as steep as can be traversed, so I was happy to be down and blowing leaves for a while.
The pest guy was out last week and screwed flashing over a woodpecker's hole in the siding wayyyy up high...... the woodpecker was undeterred and back peck peck pecking the next day on two new holes just above the covered one.
About 3 days ago a second woodpecker started a hole on the opposite side of the house. I've been running from side to side, banging, yelling and scaring them away, but they just come back SO...
this morning I figured out how to extend my Little Giant Ladder to it's longest length and covered the second hole with flashing. Then I made very shiny art projects I screwed to the house below the existing pecker holes in hopes of chasing them away for good, but..... there's so much more house for them to work on.
:shock:
::Imagining my house covered in pie pans, Mylar balloons and shiny silver duct tape mobiles::
:shock:
My ladder won't go but so high, so.... I might be back on the roof hanging shiny blowy things from up there next.
The honey bees and flying squirrels were sort of charming, but I am so over these little wood peckers!
How is fall treating everyone else this year? I have to say it's beautiful weather, but we need rain.
My case studies are coming along.... everyone I've worked on is reporting relief, and booking more appointments. I'm confident enough to begin focusing on efficiency, and economy of motion.
DD14 begins a week of Feldenkrais neuro movement instruction for problems with her knee and jaw soon. We're pretty excited about it, and I'll keep the board updated.
Lighter
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I have three client appointments today. Tow I've worked on recently.
Today I'll be able to move quickly and efficiently through the sessions bc my youngest dd helped me hone tecniques I've been struggling with. She's had the protocol performed on her in it's entirety, and pointed out things I'd forgotten about.... very helpful to me.
There are some physical symptoms I've experienced that I'm curious about..... I think I've been overloading circuits and it causes my hands to feel as though I've been clapping very hard... tinging and stinging. Not painful, but baffling and a little annoying.
The third client is preparing Thanksgiving Dinner tomorrow, in a tizzy, and struggling with what is likely the last months of her h's struggle with cancer. I'll work with him too if he's feeling up to it.
Wish me luck.
Lighter
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::Imagining my house covered in pie pans, Mylar balloons and shiny silver duct tape mobiles:: (http://::Imagining my house covered in pie pans, Mylar balloons and shiny silver duct tape mobiles::)
Me too! :lol: I like it a lot.
So happy to hear you're enjoying the healing art (massage? what type?) you've learned, Lighter. That's wonderful.
Hops
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Hi Hops:
So the original woodpecker offender is back, bc the wind stopped and my shiny mobile isn't moving any longer.
I deployed the two shiny Mylar balloons I bought just in case, and.....
woodpecker went away, but for how long I can't be sure as the both balloons are no longer floating. I'll deal with that soon... maybe tack the balloons at the roof line so they blow over the holes.
About the healing system......... think quantum physics, opposed to scalpels/pharmaceuticals, which is how present day medicine operates.
This system was created by a woman who mapped the brain, and figured out how to access pathways to make corrections in blood and energy flow, esp regarding the two hemispheres of the brain.....
downloading new information that replaces old information in the brain..... sort of.
Her background is in neuroscience and psychology with focus on learning disabilities, old emotional patterns that are no longer serving, muscle reactivation (the body deactivates muscles when injured to prohibit further injury) and allergies among other things.
On a separate note, I took dd14 to her second appointment with a local neuro touch practitioner. I learned about neuro touch from another student attending the BIT class with me. If you google Feldenkrais
http://www.feldenkrais.com/whatis
and Anat Baniel Method
http://www.anatbanielmethod.com/ it will help explain, but..... we didn't understand it till dd was on the table.
Some of DD's joints weren't being engaged bc her brain didn't know they were there..... at the end of the first appointment dd said that her entire body felt like "water" where before the right side only felt like water, and the left side felt like "bricks." To give you a tiny example.... while standing up, dd's right toes could be lifted off the floor by the practitioner, but the toes on the left foot cold not. Same with the balls of the feet. That was basically the story all the way up to where her spine meets her skull....Where the ribs on dd's left side were frozen, they now move freely like the ribs on her right side.
DD carried the weight of her torso behind her, which put tremendous pressure on all her joints.... now she's learning to align her skeleton so that all the muscles and bones do the jobs they were designed to do..... and this means less struggle, pain and symptoms like her knee cap popping out of place which is why we sought treatment in the first place.
The main body of work is done utilizing very small movements that train the brain to engage and open pathways responsible for that work.... last night, for instance, did an exercise while on her back bending the right knee up so her foot was flat on the table, pushing out her stomach and slowly lifting her right hip a few inches while FEELING everything she was doing. The practitioner brought DD's attention to how that felt, then had her feel how doing it with her stomach pulled in felt, and how it effected strength, range of motion, and ease of movement in activities involved in that correction. It's deep, and my dd is profoundly awed by what she's learning about herself, and the positive impact it will have on here life.
More about what I'm learning and practical application....
this morning I woke up to a dream about my late mother. It was the kind of dream that would normally haunt me for one or two days, and generally send pangs of adrenaline and sadness through my body over and over again.
I took 15 minutes to do a balance on myself, which requires accessing brain pathways while recalling the troubling emotions involved, then performing a gentle hold on the forehead and occipital bone at the base of my skull.
I haven't had one moment of sadness or recall of that dream so far today. This is freedom we could all benefit from, IME.
How are you doing, Hops?
Lighter
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The woodpecker came back over Thanksgiving and pecked another nesting hole into the house. I've decided to just let him stay r since he's determined, AND protected. This way he won't peck more holes, and especially holes higher than my ladder can reach.
I finished blowing the yard yesterday, and that was good cause it rained this morning.
Youngest dd and I made toffee for teachers. They have ribbons and are ready to be delivered. Beautiful poison, if you believe sugar is poison.
I have a strange situation with a client who struggles with bi polar he's heavily medicated for, and what he describes as being an N in the past, but now he's cured. I asked if he had a dx for the N, and he said "No, but from what I've read I had it, and now I don't."
I have to say.... I've been speechless around him... a lot. More than I care to admit. His energy is BIG. Like... if Rodney Dangerfield and Trump had a baby BIG. This means he's been making statements about how I feel, as though he has any idea at all, and basing his actions, usaully trying to change my very clear NO into a YES, on them. I'm feeling fairly gobsmacked when he does that in the face of my clarifications to the contrary. In writing. I view this as disrespectful, and aggressive.... a huge red flag.
I'm paying close attention to how I've failed to enforce very clear boundaries I set in the past. It's not comfortable. It will be such a relief to state and enforce boundaries going forward sans angst. I'm working on it.
I pay attention to the way I speak and what I say in general now.
Empath might as well be written across my forehead, and golly......
maybe "take my time, kick me, and disrespect me and I'll make you feel pretty OK about it" too.
"Peacemaker", and " Has LARGE aversion to conflict" could be written on forehead as well. This is worrisome, and I notice I have an easier time handling people with smaller energy. I'm capable of speaking with authority and resolve, but things change I notice when I'm speaking to people likely to engage in conflict and esp those likely to escalate into hostile communication and actions.... it's easier to stand up for others than myself.
I think I'm having a difficult time distinguishing people who will escalate and those who won't, and it's all triggering frankly. I'm very triggered by people who have stomped my boundaries in the past, no doubt.
The only logical answer is avoidance, IME. We can't avoid all the cluster Bs all of the time. How to just handle it, and remain above it, not affected by it.....
Resistance again.
Learning to respond without hesitation and without emotion is necessary. To remain flat, not argue...... that's the key I guess. Empaths care what others think.... too much, IME. We want to help others, and that's always a problem with Bs, IME. Learning how to make medium chill second nature is difficult. It's hard to turn it off once it's on sometimes too, IME. It can be limiting in the world... make it hard to trust, and let people in. I'm just talking this through, bc I haven't really visited it top to bottom yet.
There should be psych 101 classes in middle school explaining healthy boundary setting and enforcement. My kiddos are so much wiser, better equipped, and attuned than I ever was.
Oldest dd is focusing on her relationship with me, and I'm focusing on how I relate to her. She's getting straight As, is caught up in all assignments, and motivated to do well in school/research careers and Universities. She's very busy with her music, art, and social activities. Since she's in this really good place I notice how much better I'm feeling. This time last year we were really struggling.
My course is going OK, and I have a week of case studies set up.
That's my update.
Lighter
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YIKERS, Lighter. I related to so much of that.
Do you feel obligated to continue to serve this potentially dangerous at worst and deeply triggering at least...client?
Were advice needed, which I doubt it is...how does a practitioner or massage or any other similar therapy (still not certain what credential you're training for) cut off relationship to a client who's inappropriate for them?
I totally get what you're saying about this person and find it very disturbing. Moreso, because in the healing/selfless/helping professions, there's such an assumption that the patient or client's wellbeing comes first always.
What do you think? Is there an exit strategy with a client like that?
He's waving a bouquet of red flags in my face.
Hugs
Hops
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Well..... I guess I've just assumed I'll serve uncomfortably while re stating boundaries he pretends to get but doesn't.
There are no good solutions. He's a new member of my closest friend group.
If he could respect a boundary that would solve the issue. He likely can't.
I wonder if it would benefit me to have the "If you step over this boundary again I'll know you don't value me as a friend and caregiver so will end the association" chat?
A social nightmare.
He's smart enough to get it. It's his ego that makes it difficult.
Lighter
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I don't think you can maneuver him into accepting your boundaries.
Testing them over and over and over is part of his entertainment, whether he sees that about himself or not.
"Friend group" or not, I don't think you owe him any space: social, professional, personal, emotional, mental...
So I would look hard at what you get out of continuing to serve him. What is this worth to your serenity and peaceful pursuit of your work?
You are the boundary woman who gets it. Don't let some old tape interfere...
(Sorry, totally unsolicited...and maybe wrong. But moved to say it anyway...)
Hugs
Hops
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Hops:.
You're absolutely correct in your assessment IMO.
Now.....
distance, without conflict, is the mission.
It got much easier since the guy who brought him into the group finally admits there's a problem. I guess he's the one who needs to break up with him.
I have an easy out BC the pd guy committed to seeing another BIT practitioner for full integration, which I'm not able to provide.
Thanks for the advice, which is always welcome.
Lighter
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The icky situation with the guy is done. At least for me.
My friend was questioned about my abrupt withdrawal and said I was simply
"done with clinical hours... that was it."
The guy said "That's bullshit!"
Aggressive and disturbing, IMO.
My friend is withdrawing more slowly, but the guy knows "something's up."
Disordered people lie, stomp boundaries into the dirt, and wonder why things aren't going well for them over and over and over again.
Exhausting.
Lighter
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Glad you are out of that, Lighter. Difficult for the friend who has to try and untangle themselves. Friendships are funny, in romantic relationships it's usual for someone to announce an official break up if they don't want to see the other person anymore, but we don't tend to do that with friendships unless there's been a major incident. Life might be easier if we ended friendships more cleanly. I'm not sure why we don't?
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Well, I missed all that - being preoccupied with my own stuff - Lighter.
You did good!! IMO, anyway. I really think there's no way we can go through life without having to occasionally deal with PD people. You recognized him; tried setting boundaries; realized he wasn't capable... and walked away with very little drama.
The end.
LOL.
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Yes....So glad I'm not silently listening to his monologues with him assuring me he's someone he's absolutely not.
There have been two fishing texts I've ignored. Six weeks of absolute zero contact should be the end of it. Unless of course contact with mutual friend drags it out. Hopefully not.
I'm not sure if the friend likes the drama or he's really concerned about safety. It's likely a bit of both, IMO.
Lighter
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No.
Such a powerful word.
I'm glad you said it.
And if there's even a shred of threat in him, a Cease & Desist?
Block texts so you don't even see them. Screen calls...anyway, I'm sure you know the drill.
Kudos, Lighter. You don't need it.
Hugs
Hops
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Hi Hops:
He's gone silent with me and mostly withdrawn contact with mutual friend, so...... maybe it's over.
I try to avoid being bossy boots with MF, but I feel strongly that NOW is the time for his complete shut off and say so since the guy's own withdrawal is likely less bruising/upsetting, IMO. Varun on sentence anyone?;)
Lighter
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Hmm. Honest thought?
Feeling that strongly about another person's choices about a relationship in their life...unless they're your minor child, is... well, is bossy boots a euphemism for controlling? (NO offense intended--I speak from my own egregious experience. Busted more than once years back, either by my own resistant realization or gentle reminders from friends. For me it was an unpleasant reckoning of anxiety-based behavior. But I'm grateful to have seen it.)
Since you've drawn your own smart boundaries with the creepy guy, and he's no longer an intrusion or emotional threat to you--isn't expanding your own boundaries to include your MF's boundary choices or decisions about the dude...out of your sphere of control?
You can always decline to cross paths if MF continues to socialize with him, ja? And you don't have to LIKE it that MF still has a bro-tolerance for him for MF's own (I know, inexplicable) reasons. It's a really common thing. But my inner Prudie (Slate.com) sez, still: Not your call.
Does this make sense or am I way off base? (So possible I am very prepared to hear it, promise!)
Hugs
Hops
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You know, HOps..... you're right.
I feeeeeeeeel my bossy boots behavior is off, but darnit.....
I'm a tad angry at MF for shoving CG down my/our throats. It's such an overt boundary transgression, on so many may levels.
I guess what this is.... is a really good lesson in boundaries and enforcing them.
::sigh::
I should have been more proactive. I should have stuck to my guns, and refused all contact, bc I knew from MF's stories what CG was about. I knew.
Maybe I'm more angry at myself than MF.
Lighter
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I can totally relate to that!
And it makes perfect sense.
Thou Shalt Allow Thyself to Not Do It All Perfectly.
Repetez.
Commandment #something...
hugs
Hops
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All this hooks into years of being strong armed in the civil legal system, against my will, and consequences of same.
All that hooks into my aversion to conflict/people pleasing traits/failure to honor my instincts going way back.
I SEE the lesson. I understand how to honor myself, but have yet to learn how to SEE clearly that my right to honor myself isn't negotiable. I've been listening to people, who split the baby as a matter of course in the cicil legal arena, (Insane IMO) and the only time I've ever really stood my ground was when I had zero choice in the matter..... the custody case with my children's emotional and physical well-being squarely on the line.
Why does splitting a baby SEEM like a good idea to ANYONE in a position of responsibility to the baby? Honestly, it doesn't. They're not kidding anyone, including themselves, IME.
I've noticed that I can fight for others, but find it difficult to fight for myself.
I've also noticed that fighting for myself has always required that my nose be bloodied (fig. and lit.) before I consider striking a defensive posture and striking on my behalf. That's a very weak position to live from, IME. It's something I'd like to change, meaning.....
being more proactive in AVOIDING situations and people that require I fight at all, KWIM?
I think "normal" people don't have the blind spots where toxic people doing toxic things are concerned, IMO.
They SEE aberrant behavior, toxic actions, words that don't square up and they feel entitled to turn away from it without angst, preamble or justification..... they also don't require anyone, but themselves, understand why they're doing what they're doing.
Making decisions based on short term relief from discomfort has always been a bad idea, IME. We HOPE for an outcome that will bring peace and closure but a part of us KNOWS it's going to lead to more trouble than we were dealing with in the first place, IME
Ahhh.. hope.
It's hope that kills us. Who said that? They're absolutely right, IME.
I'm going to go to the Asian market now and buy ingredients for Korean Spicy Rice Cakes.... planning on being snowed in with dd14 who enjoys watching Buzzfeed's The Try Guys, who made this on one of their shows. Very funny stuff.
We also have lettuce wraps planned so will pick up fresh Thai basil and water chestnuts. I love mushrooms in this dish, but it makes it too rich maybe? Maybe mushrooms every other time.
::nodding::
The Pug had me up at 2:30 am for a potty run, and I'm struggling with a 10 day cold.... disgusting...... feel like my head's packed in cotton, bleck, but hey..... it's sunny.
I count my blessings.
I embrace my lovely moments (two great cups of coffee, an hour chat with dd15, and very productive chat with MF so far) and go on with my day.
I recognize I need to do work on distinguishing the difference between positive compromises and what is giving in for short term comfort that sacrifices long term peace. Typically there's one path to long term peace, even if it requires a loathed battle, IME.
I hope I find it in myself to make the right decisions, long term, from here on out....... and with less angst.
Having this chat with myself brings much comfort. I don't need anyone's permission or understanding to do what's right for me and my family.
I don't require anyone's permission but my own.
::nodding::
Lighter
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Interesting that you've written this today, Lighter. I'm reading a book about happiness by The Dalai Lama (Christmas present from a friend) and the chapter I read today talks about pleasure and happiness not being the same thing and suggests you always ask yourself "Will this make me happy?". It really struck a cord with me; I comfort eat to allay the loneliness and the exhaustion but it's making me unhappy because I'm gaining weight. I often avoid conflict with people because I hate the feelings it brings up - but then find I'm in an ongoing situation that wouldn't have occured if I'd just said my bit in the beginning and coped with the short term feelings. It suddenly made a lot of sense to me and reading what you've written about making decisions to provide short term relief reminded me of that.
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Hi Tupp:
I'm really trying hard to be aware of the decisions I'm making right now.
Not that you have to answer, but.....
What makes you happy? I mean deeply happy?
What makes anyone on this board "happy"?
And..... what if discerning the answers requires something we don't have.... yet?
What if you/we were distracted by crisis/survival when we should have been discovering needs/purpose/passion/drive?
Some families eat their own young......
or have completely different values/needs, or value the opposite of what a particular child WOULD value if they were allowed to explore, be authentic, and seek out anything that belonged to them. If they weren't busy surviving.... had ability to explore?
What if you were a swan baby born into a family of ducks? Ducks who valued nothing you would have valued had you been allowed something of your own? What if we're duck babies born into a family of swans, or frogs or foxes? Just different.
I have to assume everyone is doing their best, always, given their ability, etc, so I'm trying not to focus on blame, but trying to focus on reasons/facts surrounding a child not identifying their true path and passions. How we get to a place where we're asking ourselves what we need/want/require to be happy rather than blaming or people pleasing, etc.
Finding the equations so they can be solved, opposed to stopping at emotional reactions to the idea of them.
Maybe it's like Doc G says...... children need to be given voice to be whole?
And so we come to the place where we decide we can give that permission to ourselves, or we don't.
Maybe everyone.... here..... was denied voice and maybe the best parents can't provide it perfectly always, for whatever reason intended or otherwise, and maybe we have the chance, in the present, to give ourselves permission and voice and agency?
Maybe the coping strategies we develop are a matter of luck and chance?
What's the magical equation for discovering one's true North? Doc G, as a healthcare provider creates a safe relationship to help people feel truly known, understood and accepted, warts and all, as good enough.... he builds on that and God bless him for helping so many people, but some are lucky enough to find a good T, and some aren't. Some can heal through relationship to T, and some can't.
And.... what when we find our true North?
How do we develop the resiliency to go on if we lose true North?
Resiliency........
Deep abiding purpose that sustains us..... allows us to return to true happiness?
What if we can't find our true North? What if true North is something we feel is outside of us? What if it's inside, and we just have to wrap our minds around it, and believe it? Find a way to internalize the message, and live that truth.
What if you/we(general) need the irrational impossible approval of caregivers who will never be available, or safe? And what if you/we KNOW they can't give it, and some part of us still NEEDS it?
Irrational hope......
The death of living in the moment.
Maybe pleasure is what we settle for...... IF we don't/can't find the answers. Maybe we make good decisions only after we've exhausted all other possibilities?
I've read ADDICTION AND GRACE by Gerald May several times.
What if pleasure is addiction, and grace is happiness?
We stuff the hole in our chests with what we have, and if we're lucky, learn to shift into observer mode and take stock..... if we can..... we re-group, put changes in place, and grow stronger, happier, wiser.....
happier, yes. We persevere. We strive until we move into a better space, and then we do it again, as needed.
When we know better, we do better, right?
Not always. Sometimes we hear the same information over and over, but have to hear it one more time, or in a different format, or through metaphor and maybe then it clicks. Maybe it clicks then slips back out of focus until it doesn't?
What if finding grace, for some of us, is a matter of figuring out equations written in foreign languages? I think of this as emotional dyslexia or ADD or being on the spectrum somewhere. Hampered in ways that not everyone is hampered. Old tapes running in the background, static so thick it can't be overcome without tremendous effort and sustained support.
What if it's not that at all?
What if happiness is the gift of trickery? Of self delusion? Remember Doc G's lifeboat play?
What if we can't swing sustained delusion?
What if reality is true North, and reality won't provide deep abiding meaning/purpose/happiness for everyone?
Wow this turned into a bit of a rant. Apologies.
::cracking on::
What if everything is happening exactly as it's supposed to unfold, and every child was born into circumstances of that child's choosing according to the lessons he or she chose for him or herself? That would be a relief, on one hand, wouldn't it? Well, not if you're a suffering child, it wouldn't.
What if we were distracted, or under fire and simply missed an important self discovery chapter at the age appropriate stage of development in childhood? What if most children do miss it, hence all the unsatisfying jobs, marriages, relationship turmoil that follows some of us, and ongoing journeys of self discovery in adulthood?
I can tell you this, my oldest dd16 was working with a life coach regarding choosing university and career path, and the coach asked questions I'd never thought of. Very useful questions..... THIS is one path to self discovery, IME.
Seeking Information .
90% research and 10% execution. Seeking out people with experience and tools we don't have.......
we review and keep what makes sense and discard the rest. Or not, but here we are on this forum sharing and learning from each other.
Sharing problem solving skills......
Life skills.
Managing to step around naval gazing traps of blame and shame.... of being stuck.... how to move forward?
I'm certainly learning the hard way, despite my parents attempts to teach and mostly bc my parents were young, and didn't know better in some regards. So. Young.
I get that.
Maybe it;s a matter of learning to STOP doing what we've always done, if what we've always done is keeping us from growing? Unlearning old habits.... replacing them.... SO. Hard.
Meditation. Great idea, IME, just learning to make space for something other than reacting.
Stress tends to drive us back to what we've always done..... it's a hard cycle to kick, IME. So hard to trade up coping strategies when under fire, IME.
Maybe some of us are trapped in an emotional loop..... fear, helplessness, terror, feeling at the mercy of.....
just deeply mired....
truly stuck. That's a different animal? Being stuck in terror or feeling at the mercy of? Is it? I don't honestly know... maybe it's that for everyone struggling on some level?
And, if so....
Maybe we have to experience old trauma or process old trauma in a new way..... creating a new outcome in order to get past it? Maybe we change it, re-frame it, turn it into something else in order to free ourselves from it. Maybe we parent our inner child or practice metaphor therapy or a combination of 10 healing therapies according to personal needs before we finally crack the code.
Evaluating our coping strategies, true needs and desires..... actions, thoughts and words.... shedding fear, obligation, guilt.... forgiving ourselves and others..... these are useful tools we'd do well to embrace I guess..... always. Everything evolves and changes. Developing healthy coping strategies, realistic self image not warped into something toxic by other people...... some children luckier or less so, but all developing strategies for survival, and around adults who model more or less productive coping strategies. Luck of the draw.
I remember researching spanking when my children were very young and I don't want to debate the merits, but..... it occurred to me that modeling physical violence against vulnerable people under our control was unlikely to teach my children useful problem solving skills for their futures.
Further, teaching my girls that "normal" was being hit by a man, responsible for protecting them, set off HUGE alarm bells. It wasn't any definition of discipline I could reconcile. I think how society views children is a piece of the puzzle.
Some people simply do what their parents did, and they don't ask questions, but I wasn't that person.... my parents spanked. I considered it. Didn't feel I was much harmed by it, honestly, but..... I needed to research everything. To breast feed, co-sleep, Mother's Morning Out program or not, positive discipline, feed on a schedule, practice non violent communication, etc. Lots to think about I'd never considered :shock: Lots my parents had never considered, and would reluctantly consider only when challenged by my parenting style, which was not theirs.
And.... one of my True Norths was parenting my girls when they were small. When I had time to research and mindfully choose routines and plan ahead for the next phase. It was a very happy time filled with serenity and ritual, and I miss it. I'm trying to come to terms with the years I've lost doing battle. What have I lost? I haven't even figured it out yet. It's a bit terrifying, honestly.
Today I spoke with dd16 and her T. Part of the topic was how things can be 2 things at once, which makes me think of some parents I know who are 100% better parents than their own parents, but...... they're also the people who don't question their parenting choices, IME. They parent from the gut, do no research, and can't, for some reason, consider they might have missed a step, or two. People who require we believe, or act like we believe, they're perfect frighten me very much, mostly bc they're usually the kind of people who need to destroy/discredit anyone who doesn't agree with them always. Personality disordered, pathological....... it's never their fault, ever, and they can point out who's fault it is without blinking an eye or giving it any thought, IME. Everyone here has experience with PD individuals.
That's one of the parts of the equation, isn't it? We're more lucky or less lucky as children. Right? Parents with zero discipline, coping skills and problem solving strategies can't teach how to do better, bc they can't do any better. Does it matter if someone modeled something better for them or not if they didn't learn? I guess it might. I sometimes think it does. My mother used to say that her gentle non spanking mother "was the perfect mother for her."
I wanted to ask her why Grandma wouldn't have been a perfect mother for everyone, but I didn't. I could see the shadow of doubt in her eyes as she said it.... just on the rim of questioning her own parenting choices, and at the time, how she expected me to parent my girls, which we disagreed on.
New rant direction....
If everyone can be categorized as those who blame everyone but themselves, and those who think everything's their fault.... the ones in the latter category seem to be easier to reach, IME. It's not that simple, but sometimes it feels that way, IME.
And....
if that's something of the case, how do the dynamics of those who BLAME EVERYONE ELSE effect the people who get blamed and believe everything is their fault? That's a pickle, huh. Confusing as hell. Likely these two categories make up the majority of people living in dysfunctional FOOs? Maybe?
No wonder it's so hard to figure these things out with so many voices and opinions and NEEEEEEED in the world. How can you get past what was done to you and your son, Tupp, when the people who did those things are justifying what they did with blame, and a campaign of misinformation they have no trouble sustaining with anyone who will listen?
You do what you did, Tupp.... you research the facts, believe the answers, and do what you can to protect yourself going forward. You've done that, and come so far. You've saved yourself, and now you have to figure out what comes next.
And the toxic people who afflict us will never admit to what they've done..... they can't. No choice but to withdraw, circle our wagons and ride out the storms until enough distance is achieved to allow space to heal. I think we're there, Tupp.
God help us if we need to understand why they did what they did in order to transcend it. Do we?
And then to have the legal system fail...... that's a new level of helplessness... that's being locked into a situation one likely can't get out of, and it's unfair and wrong and terrifying when the PDs engage third parties to harm us and our children.. esp when it's the people responsible for protecting/enforcing our rights, IME.
I digress...
IF we treat discomfort as the messenger it is..... shifting into observer mode long enough to get the lesson, and not ACT to escape the (what we've been calling short term) pain.....
maybe we spend more time exploring our options instead of reacting, freezing and fearing which brings up guilt and shame for not overcoming and transcending, right? There are traps on so many levels.
Poor coping strategies, toxic coping strategies, negative coping strategies..... so many ways to get to a place we don't want to be, and most of the time we're adults before we stop and evaluate these patterns......... then there's so much STUFF it's hard to see where the beginning is. Eating an elephant a bite at a time, and I digress. Again.
If we're lucky enough to identify poor coping strategies, and put new in place, then we perhaps become more proactive, less reactive, etc. We learn to get more of what we want, and less of what we don't want ideally. Simple as that, right?
Resistance creeps in.
Sometimes we just have to have faith and face the fear, IME......
The saying "What you fear will find you....."
Holy guacamole....
scary stuff, but it's true, IME.
I'll say it again, Tupp..... you deserve happiness. It's your time. There are so many things you deal with daily..... your son's health, adjusting to a new place, adjusting to the change in pressure having left toxic people behind, the self imposed pressure to find happiness and model it for your son....... how do you find time to identify old wounds and coping strategies that no longer serve and then problem solve, and put new habits in place with so much pressure and struggle fighting dragons still? You're already performing super human feats IME.....
be gentle with yourself. Be forgiving, and kind. Be the things you deserved all your life, but didn't receive. You're worthy.
What do you stand to gain if you make time to heal, as a priority, and implement positive new patterns?
Rhetorical, of course(((Tupp)). Everyone can ask themselves these questions.... I think we are asking on this forum all the time.
::nodding::
One more thought.....
There are so many ways of addressing trauma, and everyone is an individual..... maybe it's about picking and choosing what makes sense from many healing paths. I kind's think that's true.
Again, I don't know so excuse the rambling. I apparently need to put quite a lot of today's process in writing. Whew. One may say they feel resistance to A, B or C, but maybe it's 3i5A creating the resistance. And maybe we're only aware of A, B and C, and the 3i5A isn't something we can wrap our heads around even if we can identify it?
And so IF we focus on what we want, opposed to the cause and what we want less of..... can we get where we want to be more quickly?
I hope the book you're reading is providing some comfort and answers Tupp. Please continue sharing: )
The journey continues.
Lighter
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Wow.
This is an EPIC post, Lighter. Like a spring that just found the surface. Kudos!
My thoughtless instinctive response was to tell you what makes me happy. And one more.
Happy: I had been telling my T over and over, meeting after meeting, the truth in recent years of despair: I have lost interest in my own life. I meant it. I repeated it. There was never a fast answer, just acceptance that this was the trough I was in. It was very real...the disinterest. Defeat.
Then, recently, I told him about a novel-writing workshop I'd signed up for. He said: I have never seen this light in your face. I knew it was true. I felt it. Almost "like that," I snapped back into caring about creating. Creating again. And...by extension, that meant I was suddenly interested in my own life again.
I just don't think there was any shortcut through the desert. I had so much grief and shock and pain to wait through (almost said "wade through."). It took the time it took, I just had to wade.
The second thing: have you ever read/done The Artist's Way? I have a feeling you, unplugged from your analytical and justice-seeking mind...only creating, would be freed by this process. To feel interest in your own creating again.
Just a thought and no idea of its truth...thank you for your extraordinary post.
Hugs
Hops
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Thanks for the hug and book suggestion.
I lit up for you when you posted about the writing workshop too, Hops.
Art in the desert can only be a good thing, right?
Lighter
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http://traumahealed.com/articles/not-again-tame-your-fiercest-patterns/
Why won't this link?
Cut and paste may work.
http://traumahealed.com/articles/when-i-started/
I found value in both of these articles. I recognize things, that make sense to me, stated in different ways to help internalize helpful messages.
They aren't long.
Lighter
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Lighter, I so wanted to razz you after reading your unburdening of brain... but I restrained myself. I'm also given to these and my D is mastering it as well. LOL. It really is necessary at times, altho it generally doesn't result in any big breakthroughs or astounding answers. Just relieves the inner pressure.
I also wonder if you mean something different from resistance than I do.
Example: I want to take down the Christmas tree, put the candles away etc minimalist decorating that I did. It took me a week to bring up the 3 smallish boxes; I opened the ones for the balls to be placed in this morning... and there they sit. Resistance, for me, is wanting to do something - even something for me - and just. not. doing. it. Sometimes there are excuses involved; many times not. I've just frittered away the time. It's as if part me reacts to this plan with arms crossed, hmmmpph'ing, tsking, and tapping her foot and just stubbornly refusing.
This is a job that MIGHT take 1/2 an hour of time. It's not physically demanding. But I'm still sitting here looking at it. And I do this a lot, with a lot of things... and I'm trying to change that - like you're trying to change some things. But I wonder if it's a matter of pacing myself?
I did run 10-12 hour days, all day long for weeks prior to the actual driving between the beach and mountains. Physically, I know I'm resting. Mentally, I'm worn out too. My brain isn't nearly as sharp as it should be (yes, I'm taking extra B vitamins) and I can spend all day just sitting; looking; thinking up even more stuff to put on lists so I don't forget it. Some of it is just little stuff; some of it is really important. But I seem to be an on/off person - going 90 miles an hour or in neutral - and not a whole lot of days of in-between.
And those lists are full things I WANT to do - not just "have to". It's an interesting puzzle why some days are so productive and others I have to stand over my own shoulder like a drill sargent or Sister Mary Ellen forcing myself "onward"... while that recalcitrant me is mentally giving her the finger and sticking her tongue out at her.
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Amber:
My resistance sounds a lot like your definition...... and I understand the 90 mph or idling thing too.
Sometimes I think there's a chemical component.... we wait, procrastinate a bit longer, then it's do or die time leading to a little shot of adrenaline that gives us wave of creative energy, and wouldn't it be nice to be that creative and energetic ALL the time?
I sure think so.
Lighter
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Hmmm. I was calling this "adrenalin addiction". But I'm not entirely sure that's accurate. Or at least, it's not the whole story.
Learning to "pace" myself, is part of it, for sure. Staying present enough to know: it's time to eat now, that's "good enough" for now - I can finish up another day. And another component I'm really sensitive to - is dealing with multiple KINDS of have-tos. Paperwork, legal snafus, finishing another section of wall clean-up, unpacking that box, and putting the filing into a new order in the cabinets while arranging the office... can be a day's typical challenge.
I find I have different brain-spaces for all those kinds of things; or at least I THINK I do. Or part of me thinks I do... because I've kinda be "told" I do. Hops said something yesterday, that has me thinking that part of me is still convinced that I'm some kind dysfunctional weirdo... when in fact - given my current circumstances - what I'm noticing about myself is all really normal. All what someone should EXPECT to experience, in my circumstances... that perhaps, I'm expecting a lot more of myself than is reasonable and kind.
Which kinda circles back to that adrenalin addiction, doesn't it?
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Hi Tupp:
I'm really trying hard to be aware of the decisions I'm making right now.
Not that you have to answer, but.....
What makes you happy? I mean deeply happy?
What makes anyone on this board "happy"?
I had to delete a lot of the quotes because it made the post too long but hopefully it makes a bit of sense! :)
Wow Lighter, that was such a thought provoking post that I've had to spend some time thinking about it, lol!
I think with regards to being happy, I am thinking at the minute that for me that means not being in some sort of negative state - stress, anxiety, tiredness, fear and so on. I used to think of being happy as that sort of high energy, excited state - which is lovely to experience - but it simply isn't sustainable long term, I feel (and perhaps it would be described as pleasure rather than happiness?). I have been thinking of things in terms of pleasure versus happiness (due to the book I've been reading very slowly!). Was moving house pleasurable? No. Has it made me happy. Yes. Has my son's childhood been pleasurable? No. Does having a son make me happy? Without a shadow of a doubt. So although I don't feel happy a lot of the time, I also don't constantly feel sad, anxious, frightened, it's more a sort of midway point where my feeling isn't extreme in either direction and that in itself is something I think I would call happiness now? Just being able to get on with being pulled in any direction by my feelings?
Surviving instead of thriving and being born into the wrong family - yes, yes and yes. I remember crying in my T's office after catching up with someone I knew from school. Her life was exactly as I'd have loved mine to be, and she had that because she didn't spend her teenage years disassociating to protect herself from abuse and she didn't then spend years blotting it out with drink and drugs and she didn't feel like a worthless piece of dirt that didn't deserve even basic politeness from people. I felt so angry and resentful, so sad because my life felt so empty, angry at my family for giving me opportunities to survive abuse instead of opportunities to flourish, angry at the people who exploited my need to blot it out and encouraged me to drink and take drugs and sleep with horrible men instead of encouraging me to go to the gym or see a therapist or express myself creatively. I just felt angry and wasted and ashamed of myself for wishing she had my crap life and not me and it was just such a big pit which I still fall into now. I think it's partly because we do tend to judge success in very visual terms - someone's job, their income, what they drive, what they wear, and I fell short all my life on that front because I put my energy into getting through it. But as I've got older that's changed for me and now I have a lot more respect for the homeless man who's survived an abusive childhood and years of drug abuse and rough sleeping than I do for the middle class man from an easy family who's been supported and nurtured since birth and who now lives in a big house and drives a big car and goes on holiday three times a year. Which isn't to say I don't respect that middle class man at all, but I don't think he's had to work as hard as the other guy has and I'd bet he doesn't appreciate what he has as much as that homeless man appreciates the soup from the kitchen or the couple of quid someone gives him as they walk past him. So yes, I still get angry and feel frustrated (and those aren't happy places for me) but I'm getting to a place where I'm happier with what I've got in my life rather than what I wish I had? If that makes any sense (and emphasise 'getting to'; I'm not there yet!).
I think there are a lot of people who don't find their true North. I think a lot of people don't look for it, either? I do think that some people are more sensitive than others, and I don't mean that in the critical way it's often aimed at people who 'can't take a joke' but I mean that I do think some people just dive deeper into themselves, they think more, they feel more, they empathise more (and I think that came up on another thread a while ago although I can't remember which one?). You're an amazing mum, Lighter. You've dealt with all those legal battles, horrible stressful, along with whatever preceeded that and created that situation and yet your girls have always been your focus, and not just in the sense of you get them to school and cook their tea but you've done so much to help their health and development, to give them the kind of childhood that a lot of us can only dream of, but what gives you that strength and that focus to do that when so many others would have fallen apart, started drinking, given up, left the kids to sort themselves out? I have absolutely no idea!
I look at my mum and yes, she had an awful childhood and she's had a lot of problems through her adult life, she's probably suffered from some sort of (untreated) mental health problem for forty plus years, she's self medicated with booze and she's never once tried to change anything, to question or learn, to build bridges or to improve her life in any way. She and I have started life in a similar way yet I've always strived for something better. So I don't know, maybe there's some sort of gene or brain pathway or something that makes some people keep striving and some people hide from it all? It's one of those things that I can't get a handle on or put into any kind of order because it does just seem random to me? It's hard for me to make sense of my family, because it doesn't make sense? Maybe that's why I keep away from them, because being around them is just too confusing? I do know that being around them doesn't make me happy :(
But I am always reminded of a plaque my Nan used to have on her wall: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. Maybe that's everyone's true North? Accepting that there's vile, shitty, unfair stuff that you can't do anything about? The thing about a child 'choosing' to be born into a certain family where they then suffer abuse and appalling things has never sat well with me; to me it feels like victim blaming in some way and I don't know that the theory someone's life lesson is being able to survive appalling abuse for a certain period of time before going into a scarred and damaged adult life is one I want to accept? It seems a bit of a cop out to me. I'm aware the abuse I went through isn't a patch on what some people go through, yet there are still some who come out of it and they work to help others and seem to get a pretty good life going. Which makes me think some of us are just born stronger or more resilient because we all go into our adult lives in such different ways, regardless of childhood? There are still those who seemingly had a good upbringing yet they fritter away their opportunities and go through their adult lives learning little and those who achieve so much despite appalling things happening to them from a young age. But then I suppose the question of who is happy comes up again. I certainly know people who seem to 'have it all' yet they're definitely not happy (or experiencing pleasure!) and others who seem happier despite the difficulty of their situations. I know I'm happier living here than I was where we lived before. I'm happy that my son's still asleep at the moment because it's giving me time to do this. My mum still makes me feel unhappy. I still feel a shutter spring down over my mind if I think about my step-dad. So maybe it's a puzzle with happy bits and unhappy bits and the more happy bits you have the better the puzzle is? I'm frazzling my own brain now, lol, but thank you, Lighter, this has given me so much to think about. Did you have any more thoughts since you wrote it? I know you've been having a tough old week so I hope some of the unhappiness is shifting to make space for some more of the happy pieces :) x
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Argh and now I've got the whole thing in quote, lol, I'm still not good with the technical stuff :) x
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Tupp: I think acceptance IS part of finding our true North. Part of making peace with what is, and ourselves, and how it effects our worlds..... so difficult, but necessary. You hit that on the head.... it goes in and out of focus.
Another thing you wrote struck a chord....... our expectations, definitions of joy/happiness.
Our definition of happiness changes as we grow.
Children are happiness....... Yes.
I think being in the zone is happiness too, for me anyway. Being engaged in something, anything.... I can be making cellophane icicles with a high heat glue gun..... cleaning out drawers, working on costumes, doing a BIT balance, or lighting 20 candles on the back porch and the zone is.... the zone.
For me it's humming, and being content in the moment, no matter what I'm doing. Cleaning a bathroom can be a moment of zen for me. Simple things.
I've always said it's like switch being turned on or off..... I wish I knew what alchemy was involved...... Amber.... the 90mph or idling thing. Does it all go back to Tupp's reminder about the serenity prayer? Is there something on our minds that keeps us from consistently.
I used to say that unfinished business was always there, behind us, tapping us on the shoulder, keeping us from seeing what's right there in front of us.
Is that it? The unfinished business? Or worry about things we can't change? Small things even?
Not sure, but I've been thinking about your posts Amber, and Tupp.
Very thoughtful replies. Thanks.
Lighter
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I dunno Lighter.
I like explanations, analysis, the sense of order involved of everything having a "name" to it, and it's way of being & function "known" and understood. The lists, that include the order that some things HAVE to be done - others, how I want them done.
And then life throws you a curve ball and all that stuff STOPS because nothing else can happen until the curve ball is digested, accepted and dealt with. Like a broken septic pipe and sewage backed up and overflowing in a bathroom. The dreaded regurgitation of the porcelain god... it's POSSESSED! LOL.
As far as trying to know, name and understand all the things going on in ourselves... in such a scientific fashion... under the assumption that this will enable/empower us to make perfect decisions going forward with the rest of our lives... I'm not entirely sure that would make me happy.
Mystery, chance, accident, dancing & laughing at the sort of disaster that pokes right at some of our own idiosyncrasies of personality... because it's just TOO perfect a response from the universe to our blind-spots and ego... and just being able to FLOW through all that while being part of it... without having to assign part of oneself to sit out of the fray over there and analyze, watch & record...
is an important letting go.
Letting go, is giving yourself permission to go skinny dipping; to roll down the hill and get covered in grass, to laugh at "The porcelain God strikes back" events of life... and learning to "surf" life - to be able to be the flow without losing your "self". Being able to find your smallest quietest self - while in the zone, and flowing...
My resistance is almost always related to a huffy, pouty inner child. Normally she's not like that - rather a willing participant in life's adventures and work. But every so often, the Left-brain, OCD side tries to effect a coup d'tat, assuming control beyond what is physically or humanly possible for me at the time... and little quiet, curious, helpful Twiggy pops up & raises hell like a whole squad of rebels.
She is doing me a favor - trying to save me from Type A personality syndrome. But sometimes her lack of focus and motivation try to take over too... LOL.
Just some thoughts. We might get to "know" this kind of thing about ourselves the way we know a place, or a sense of "oh yeah, I've done this kind of thing...", or some OTHER way of knowing other than our lovely hard-drive/mega-processor brains.
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Writing my own fiction
Zone...yes, me too
Sunlight in house, pooch seeking pools of it
Friends coming tonight to watch Victoria (and drink sherry)
The ability to read
Cozy bed
Color
Music
Planting, even if just a bulb in a pot
Animals all
xo
Hops
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Amber:
I so get the puffy pouty inner child.... a little OCD...... mine was large and in charge the first half hour working with volunteer parents Saturday morning on the Middle School dance decorations.
I'd designed stage decorations the night before, laid them out in neat OCD color coordinated rows of paper puffs and lanterns, ribbons measured and cut, ready for assembly the next morning.
I walk in Saturday morning, assured by the mom in charge that she'd watch over my stuff, and EVERYTHING is in a pile with 200 balloons confusing it further..... all scraped up, and that's all I see till I can see straight. I think I truly spun in circles for a bit.
I usually do everything the night before, with my kiddos, and skip the social interaction with other parents. This time I wanted to engage other parents, and enjoy fellowship around the event.
When I can finally see straight I have 2 wonderful moms working side by side, as they can with me, and they're doing whatever it takes to get the job done. They were troopers, and we got it done...but but but.... I keep wanting to say but...... but.....
I have to learn how to stand down my petulant child, and reassure her more quickly that all will be well. I do get over things..... but. It's that but... it's in the way, and slowing me down.
It's also a sort of perfectionist hell, esp when it's some idea of how something should be done, and not how it has to be done at all. That can be a part of the paralysis IME... when all the stars don't align.... the pouty inner child living in the center of my torso... between my shoulder blades.... pushes forward, and I recognize her. I just can't quite catch her before she's out yet.
Writing my own fiction
Zone...yes, me too
Sunlight in house, pooch seeking pools of it
Friends coming tonight to watch Victoria (and drink sherry)
The ability to read
Cozy bed
Color
Music
Planting, even if just a bulb in a pot
Animals all
xo
Hops
Ahhh, Hops. What a treat to travel through your lovely moments in my mind. All of it sounded just....... very nice, and I'm happy for you.
::nodding::
I went to a neighbor's annual soup part last night (after overcoming some anxiety and resistance.)
Once we were there things went swimmingly. Three neighbors were doing renovations, which I love to talk about, and there were 12 soups to try.... so comforting.
Thursday I have a friend coming over for dinner and balance. It's a wobbly thing, this inviting people in, and engaging with the world again.
Hops.... do you ever consider writing non fiction?
Lighter
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Wobbly but wonderful, Lighter.
Good for you for how you keep going.
And soups! How fabulous an evening that sounds.
I wrote prose, or non-fiction, my entire cursed career.
I'm sure I could come up with ideas for non-fiction books
but I'm not interested. I do not want to write anything except
what I'm inspired by, and that, my entire life, has been fiction and poetry.
I just couldn't do my own work (or the novel, which requires
more extended time and concentration than life has allowed
for many years) before now. Even now, with a draining PT job,
I still fight for the time and focus.
My creative writing is the one space I feel utterly complete
about, in those moments I'm deeply and happily engaged. It
is going to take several years and a lot of research but the
act of getting the story on the page is pure joy.
I just have to work out enough extra income to get by on
Social Security. Hence the old-man current job and stress of
explaining all this caregiving issues to his coterie of friends.
The job--although likely temporary--is fine. It's just a big
diversion from the book.
Hugs
Hops
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Lighter - I know just how you felt, seeing your organization and method of proceeding upended. The spinning.
One thing you might not feel, is that you've been admonished, criticized and punished (by the universe?) for being so painstakingly thorough. I do feel that sometimes. It's what makes being around other people such a trial.
There is only one thing that helped me be less possessive of my vision of how things should be, go, etc. To get the pouty one to just have fun, too - and that was lots of practice. My kids - all adults now - swoop in and do things their way and seem to (now) delight in doing things FOR me. Except, the pouty one has to try to explain to Holly which way to pull the cord on the blind, to lock in position... eliciting the GLARE and icy: Mom, I think I know how blinds work... (the personification of the inner pouty one, made real - LOL - because I'm doing what my mom did to me)
They are all aware of my peccadillos regarding this stuff - and they love overthrowing it while in the process of cooking, or getting something accomplished - and when all is said & done, things are just FINE; nothing's "out of place" or "in my way".
I do have to watch out for the pouty one's temptation to just throw up her hands, sit down and sulk, though. "I don't care then" being the mantra of the little pissy buddha... LOL. Along with: "What I wanted just doesn't matter, apparently" and "OH? so what I was doing wasn't good enough?" Yup; there's some anger in those statements...
and I think what it comes down to, for me, is ownership - authorship - creating, imperfect as it may be at the end. My mom liked to take credit for stuff I did; stealing that little of satisfaction I had and belief in my capabilities. I can tell you, she STILL tries to do this - and that's I why I share so very little of my projects with her. It's not the way SHE would do it, you know.
Collaboration and teams also helped me conquer a lot of those impulses. The instinctive falling into that "pouty" space. It's way better than it used to be - but it's still there. The more stressed I am, the more it surfaces. I had it out, with the realtor one day because of it too. He said just the right thing though: I'm just trying to help you, and it's your job to LET ME.
LOL. That chastened & humbled the pissy little buddha right up. Buddha in her mind, was really just a stinky turd. LOL.
We actually have to practice this kind of thing. Letting other help; do their own way; and working with others. I find I'm saying "I'm sorry" a lot, while figuring it out how to do it without being that stinky turd.
ETA: it dawned on me later - that inner child doesn't distinguish between THEN & NOW; she just sees the same effect without the change in context. We might have to have a little heart to heart chat - LOL.
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I laughed at and loved your description of your inner pouty one.
Because if you can imagine that way of interacting boiled down and crystallized over 92 years, you've got my current temporary employer. Not so much pouting, as going instantly to blame and accusation should one not absolutely (and I mean absolutely) follow his exact routines without a micron of deviation.
It's an impossible task, of course, so daily I listen to remarks like: "You moved my best knife from one side to the other and I was FRANTICALLY trying to find it." Or, "I woke up calling, Hops! and you had GONE." (Which, of course, I did very quietly because I thought -- correctly -- that his rest was more crucial than a formal goodbye.) Or, "I want MY glass when you bring me water. YOU got another one out for YOURSELF but that is yours. I want MY glass." Or, "Someone put this important paper in the recycle bin!" (when I observe him losing tracks of papers, keys, etc.) All. Half-Day. Long.
Time for a good ole Suthrun "bless his heart." And many times a session, I mantra to myself: Compassion. Then I'm okay. I know a whole lot about the deprivations of advanced age and do feel much compassion for the vulnerable, whoever they are. But hooo-boy, not since Nmom has it been this daily. (And I'm still okay. He's NOT my parent and I'm finding serenity in actually experience the raising of my boundaries around him without too much distress.)
I do still believe I have a special magnet implanted in me by Martians that attracts N-behavior folks.
:)
xo
Hops
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Hops, maybe you're N kryptonite! :lol:
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I've noticed that the feeling of FLOW and BEING IN THE ZONE is sort of like looking at one of those visual trick pics....... looking THROUGH brings it into focus. Looking straight at it, with intention, just makes it harder to see.
We're in our own way.....
Lighter
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So..... the last few days have been an exercise in many things for me.
For my dd16 as well.
We've been going through an interview process with a wonderful boarding school.... the visit yesterday left me feeling hopeful, and amazed..... the tech program, art program, math and science program.... orchestra dd16 would be a part of. The teachers she connected with so happy to meet DD, and advocate for her...... they WANT her in their community. She'd be a strong asset in so many ways.... I think it scares dd to think about the level of work/expectation.... living up to her highest potential.
For me.... I'm trying to go back to holding no expectation around it. Not easy..... I notice this FEELS like DD at 4yo for me. When she was a superstar, over achiever, lover of all things educational, working grades ahead, and embracing everything and everyone at school no matter that she already knew everything they were teaching. There was JOY for us both.
I have to tell you.......
I've missed that joy.
::nodding::
It's familiar, and I recognize it as a piece of me......
I have compassion for that piece. I'm trying not to judge it.
And at the same time I was looking forward to having DD16 back home after being away so long. I'm conflicted, but DD's best interest is what we'll focus on here....
she'll be uber prepared for University if she does this.
She'll have opportunities at this school she wouldn't otherwise have AND she'll mature faster away from me.
I really loved the LARGE campus, the faculty, and the students. I loved the programs..... BOTANY looked wonderful. They're dissecting bee guts in order to study what Round Up does to bee colonies.
So, I've been paying attention to how I'm doing through this. I've been rather insulated, on purpose, over the last 10 years, and this is an exercise in choosing my words, the parts of our story I can tell..... some things clunk my brain off line.... the frontal part responsible for thinking part....
the speech part....
offline. :shock:
It happened yesterday with one member of the admission team..... such an odd thing. I lost the ability to recall her name, and got her mixed up with another team member, I'd just met, and babbled a little while realizing I was doing it, knowing I shouldn't, but just couldn't stop myself. :shock:
The precursor was a time sensitive matter, I had no power over, and felt responsible for. It was important, but not important enough to make my brain go off line.
It was like the upside down, if anyone watches Stranger Things. I've been aware of this over the last 11 years, and it's so frustrating bc there are times my brain is hyper capable of recalling information, and clear as a bell.
I think it has to do with feeling powerless, and vulnerable vs feeling empowered and not at the mercy of.
It would be good to be able to catch it BEFORE things went off the rails....
going forward.
DD16 did great. I did fine, I think, despite the very confusing 30 second babble.
This is one of those teaching moments about not doing doing doing when I'm distressed or experiencing discomfort. I have to learn to automatically SIT with it, and not act. Wowsers.... I'm going to go easy on myself here, but the temptation to be very critical is there.
So, the word yesterday was that DD16 is a good fit for their school, and they thought there was a way for DD to attend. This will include much financial assistance, so there are many moving parts....... it's not just about academics.
DD and I had a lovely drive afterwards.... the school is central to everyone in my family, and closer to me by 3 hours compared to her present school...... driving an easy hour and a half on good highway compared to what I new consider a scary 4.5 drive, which I'm about to drive TWICE today.
Wow.... here I am extending compassion to myself, and this time it wasn't a struggle, or something I remembered after the fact.
I'm still decompressing.
The emotional weight's coming up, it sits under my collar boans..... I know how to spell bones, but boans feels right.... the pressure is there. It's time to deal with it.
I'm trying to release apprehension/expectation/fear around it.
Maybe I didn't believe I could shift this, deal with it, put it behind me.... before. Today... I feel it's possible. I feel I'll do it, and life will change around it.
DD seems so much lighter..... her ability to respond..... talk about difficult feelings, and.... she's so brave. A hero to have advocated for herself the way she has at her age.
She's my hero.
Not just bc I'm her Mom, but honestly.... she truly is amazing with regard to depth of insight AND talents/gifts.
OK.... that's my update.
Now....
to tackle this drive.
Lighter
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The drive went fine, even if the last half hour was a very sleepy one..... it was 1am, and I was about the only one on the road. I have to say that three police officers blew by me with their sirens and lights blaring the last 10 minutes of the drive..... I still don't know what that was about.
Lighter
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The school sounds amazing, Lighter, what a great opportunity for both of you, by the sound of things. I'm glad the drive went well :) As for the decompressing and assimilating and babbling - I can relate to all of that :) Moving forward, slowly but surely, but the sound of things :) x
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It sounds as though this boarding school may be a release of pressure for both you and dd16, Lighter, if I've followed right. Yes, just to manage there will be success for her. So if she can leave perfectionism behind, it will be good to let them go. All you probably really want for her is to be healing-toward-whole, sound in mind, healthy in body, and enjoying most if not all of it. That would be good enough, eh?
I can imagine how scary those blank-brain or scramble-speech moments were for you, Lighter. I do think there's been extraordinary pressure to perform--and a lot of fear of judgement. Maybe those collided in the moment. I'm glad the school was encouraging and that it's only 1.5 hours away.
How is younger dd doing?
Hops
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Tupp:
I just got off the phone with the education consultant..... wonderful conversation. She's very tight with the lady I babbled in front of, and there's no problem there. Biggest problem will be funds.... right now the returning students are receiving aid. We'll have to see what happens with new students, but it couldn't be going better in her opinion.
It's been an amazing experience for Lena and for me. So much growth and healing. I really like the parent support at Lena's current school.... she's gets it. I really find my time with her helpful.
Hops....
DD14 doing very well. She's responsible, has a daily skincare ritual centered around mostly Korean products she researched, ordered and paid for with her Christmas money. Snail snot, anyone?
Her grades are good, and she likes getting to school bright and early.
Since the Brain Integration she has less frustration at school. Mostly with spelling, but also with certain individuals who annoy her, and used to be drawn to her, but don't seem to be now. She's also shifted from one peer group, she feels she outgrew, to another.......... last year it was creating much roiling and worry for her over that anticipated transition. This year she's managed the shift.... just did it. No worry. Done. Amazing.
She speaks her mind, is very sure of who she is, and wise beyond her years..... and so darned funny.
DD14 recently began violin lessons, after mastering the Ukulele, which suits her personality IMO. She's the only girl on her Ultimate Frisbee team..... she's also one of the best players.
One thing about J is..... she's never held anything in. Everything comes out, and I'm pretty sure this was the healthiest way to handle the last 10 years. She processed her stuff, and lives fully in moment.... handling things as they come up. We have very frank conversations, and she's emotionally very mature, though her will to do her own laundry seems to have petered out. She's helpful with house work, when asked, and likes being busy in the kitchen.
She feels entitled to boundaries, and isn't afraid to enforce them. She's talking about University, and letting me know she'll likely live with me through that experience. She's comfortable at home, and thinks of her room as "home."
The very liberal schools here have been a place for her to blossom..... her teachers love her. She's working in groups with less frustration... just DOING what needs done, with less complaining about those not pulling their weight. She used to write songs about her frustration.... not so much since Brain Integration, I've noticed.
Wowsers...... writing this makes me realize I haven't shared much about youngest dd14 on the board.
She's level headed, appreciates rational people, and I absolutely adore her and her kooky, mom jean wearing style.
she marches to her own drum, and doesn't care a thing about following the crowd or conforming.
Truly.
Amazing. :shock:
Thanks for asking, Hops: )
Lighter
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Lighter, what I love when you write about your kids is that you're full of praise, encouragement and recognition of what they do, but you also acknowledge things they struggle with or need/want to work on. So difficult to get that balance right between praising and encouraging but also helping them to grow and develop into WHOEVER IT IS THEY ARE MEANT TO BE! I think it resonates so much with me as finding myself has/is taking years of my adult life and it's so amazing that your kids will become adults having done all that foundation work already. You're such an amazing mum x
I kept thinking about what you said about babbling as it's something I do (on here, quite a lot!) and othertimes I can't get the words out, things literally get stuck in my throat. As sometimes happens, something popped up on my Facebook feed about the throat chakra and how that being blocked can cause things to become stuck and to make us 'voiceless', whether literally or because we can't say what we mean/need to.
From that I found a nice meditation on YouTube that I've done a couple of times now and found helpful, so I have posted it just in case it's any use for the future :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=heJf-Cidk5w
I really like Jason Stephenson's stuff, he just seems to 'get' it x
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Lighter, I just had one of those "I have no idea why I am saying this" moments too. They make me feel as though I'm crazy; not in control of myself. On very rare occasions, absolute truth will fall out of my mouth. Those don't bother me nearly so much.
It's the ones where true emotions "leak out" verbally that scare the bejesus out of a person. In your case, your heartfelt desire for D took over. In mine, it was a suggestion I was making - born out of a very real need for a father-figure on my part - to help bring some new creative energy into the business. (THAT'S scary; but fortunately both guys know me well enough to see through the silliness of it. I rely on the experience and wisdom of both of them; but they are and should remain separate for me AND the business.)
And I need to complete my working through this "thing" I have about certain kinds of men. I know it's due to underestimating myself; and not giving myself accurate credit for my own judgement, experience and wisdom. And l seem to be looking for an easy way to shore that up -- instead of doing the work required myself. Someone to validate my choices and give me the go-ahead, while having my back if things go wonky or get complicated. It's all an emotional thing.
So, I would swear... that pouty inner child is also being a bit forward and cheeky... and she sneaks around the usual persona editors and censors... and just says things like this, to SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
Talk about wanting to crawl under a rock and be invisible! LOL.
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Have you guys ever noticed or paid attention to your instincts?
I mean..... really paid attention and then noticed what you DO with them?
Amber.... it's good and right to pay attention to the man part of your life right now. Whatever it has to say... it's going to be OK. Don't fear the work.
Tupp... I started watching that Chakra video and will finish it at bedtime. So far, it's very relaxing. I like listening to music tuned in to particular Chakras when I sleep too.
About our kids..... I think I had balance the first 6 years of their lives.... then I lost it. Now I'm trying to make peace with the fact they're not really mine. They're in my care a while longer, but they never belonged to me. They'll never belong to me..... I shouldn't have expectations for what and who they'll grow up to be. That's up to them, and I can only hope they're happy and living up to their own expectations.
No matter what.... I'll try to be OK with their journeys..... I'm talking myself through this, Tupp. Trusting they're where they're supposed to be..... outside my control.... that's the journey now. For so long I was fighting dragons..... shielding my girls...afraid every day.
I think I can lay that down and do something else now.
Light
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The trusting on their behalf is difficult, I think, Lighter, I am struggling with that as he gets older. There comes a time when you can't keep them safe by keeping them at home and fighting for them - they have to fight their own battles, as we've had to. Even writing that fills me with horror - I wouldn't wish the battles I've been through on anybody, they've been so painful and so nearly ended me more than once. Yet they have made me stronger and have given me a deep gratitude for getting through them and still being here. And I do have to keep reminding myself that his childhood he hasn't been through the same things I did as a child, so he's not damaged in the way I was. I don't believe he'll be drawn to the same sorts of destruction that I was or the same kinds of negative, abusive people. Your girls have grown up with a warrior by their side who is now teaching them to be strong in themselves and become whoever it is they need to be. But stepping away and trusting you've done enough for them to manage is hard. I get that.
As for instincts - mine are good, often hard to explain, sometimes quite subtle - just a general feeling of unease that isn't really logical - and I've ignored them at my peril so many times. I do try now just to keep myself away from people or situations that make me feel uneasy, even when it seems ridiculous to do so. I am learning more about myself as I get older and trusting in myself more.
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Well, how do you define "instinct" Lighter? For the sake of discussion, that is.
For me, it's more a physical reaction sans thought & premeditation - like throwing up an arm to block something about to hit me, or when I change up my route driving for no reason at all at the last minute.
It's something distinctly different than intuition - which is a kind of sixth sense "knowing" I suppose - based on accumulated experience, knowledge, observation and sensory perception.
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Well, how do you define "instinct" Lighter? For the sake of discussion, that is.
For me, it's more a physical reaction sans thought & premeditation - like throwing up an arm to block something about to hit me, or when I change up my route driving for no reason at all at the last minute.
It's something distinctly different than intuition - which is a kind of sixth sense "knowing" I suppose - based on accumulated experience, knowledge, observation and sensory perception.
Hi Amber:
For me there's less distinction between instinct and intuition.... I agree one is survival/reptilian brain/born with instinct to breath and survive stuff, and one is based on what we've discovered of the world, and our place in it, BUT I can't tease out where one begins and the other ends.
IME the brain utilizes different parts at the same time all the time. I've thought about this a lot, and I can't quite say which internal voice is responsible for any particular whisper or scream.... just can't.
I know that I've KNOWN stuff all my life, and failed to honor it. This is on my top 5 list of biggest regrets. I'm trying hard to honor all the voices I perceive to be instinct and intuition.... I think they're holding hands anyway; )
Lighter
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The trusting on their behalf is difficult, I think, Lighter, I am struggling with that as he gets older. There comes a time when you can't keep them safe by keeping them at home and fighting for them - they have to fight their own battles, as we've had to. Even writing that fills me with horror - I wouldn't wish the battles I've been through on anybody, they've been so painful and so nearly ended me more than once. Yet they have made me stronger and have given me a deep gratitude for getting through them and still being here. And I do have to keep reminding myself that his childhood he hasn't been through the same things I did as a child, so he's not damaged in the way I was. I don't believe he'll be drawn to the same sorts of destruction that I was or the same kinds of negative, abusive people. Your girls have grown up with a warrior by their side who is now teaching them to be strong in themselves and become whoever it is they need to be. But stepping away and trusting you've done enough for them to manage is hard. I get that.
As for instincts - mine are good, often hard to explain, sometimes quite subtle - just a general feeling of unease that isn't really logical - and I've ignored them at my peril so many times. I do try now just to keep myself away from people or situations that make me feel uneasy, even when it seems ridiculous to do so. I am learning more about myself as I get older and trusting in myself more.
Hi Tupp:
Our kiddos will be influenced negatively and positively by our parenting. It's life. The yin and the yang natural order of all things.
This weekend my dd14 let me know that my sheltering her for years was uncool in her opinion. In fact, she feels fairly gypped that she missed out on what she thinks of as "cool" stuff other kids got to do that I kept her from doing. She couldn't really say WHAT I kept her from..... it's a visceral KNOWING for her. She FEELS it happened, and she can't really NAME it for herself yet. I let her have that emotion, mirror back what I hear her say, and apologize for my part in that. I KNOW I didn't parent perfectly, and own up to it. I hope it's enough to help her move through this.
About trusting ourselves..... looking back and seeing where we failed to trust, and paid a steep price..... I'm SO READY to trust, and not struggle with trusting myself. There's shifting, and I'm working on it hard. I have a new Somatic T I see next week...... I'll watch the EFT Summit beginning today and running for 10 days. I have a brain spotting course I'm excited about...... the energy work is very helpful......
Here's the link to the FREE EFT Summit. Every Session runs for 24 hours so all time zones can make it. I hope you can copy and paste: )
http://www.thetappingsolution.com/2017tws/reg/afpd/new-access.php?utm_campaign=2017-TWS-Prelaunch&utm_medium=email&utm_source=affiliates&utm_content=7-Event-Registration&utm_term=affiliates
Lighter
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During the last parent. student, therapist phone call between me, my 16dd at Therapeutic Boarding School, and her lovely T my DD said she often punished me/retaliated against me for bringing negative energy to our situations.
And she did.... no doubt about it..... she very much did. :shock:
I knew she was punishing me, spending years of our lives in an emotionally combative posture..... so many years wasted. Holding me hostage... sort of.... and her sister, but I think the negative energy I brought was holding her hostage too. I don't deny that, I just don't know how it could have been avoided. I don't believe it could have on reflection.
Everyone laying their cards on the table honestly right now.... getting ready for DD16 to come home for the summer or for the next 2 years of HS..... we have ground to cover.
::nodding::
We have work to do.
As I write this I'm perched happily on one of the sofa benches on our back porch. Socked feet tucked underneath me.....
The Fairy lights are lit.... the candles are almost glowing, waiting for dark. DD14 is is still 14yo.... and she's napping happily on the uber long bench across from mine. It weighs a ton, and was donated to the Habitat For Humanity folks by one of the local high mucky much hotels. I do love these benches. The Pug is curled up at DD's feet..... DD14 was so sure the Pug wouldn't let her nap, but the Pug is sleepy too.
Today was the first day I walked the Pug like the Dog Whisperer would walk her. It was like magic.... so easy. I almost let myself feel stupid, but then remembered I could revel in walking the pug a step behind me..... like magic...... just by asking her to, and BEING the lead dog.
You know what? My DD16 wanted me to be the lead dog 10 years ago. I saw her attempt to take power over all her classrooms from Pre K up, and I warned all her teachers..... then I didn't see it for myself in my own home, bc I was so overwhelmed. Maybe all I had to do to help her be OK was tell her I had things under control...... she didn't need to worry, but ................all wasn't well. I had trouble from inside my circle, and out. I was living under siege, and it showed. I wasn't the mother she'd had, and every time I see her light up I notice I'm laughing. There were too few times I was the mother she deserved, and counted on over the last 10 years. It wasn't fair, and she's raw about it. Of course she is.
I was strong.... was being strong, looking strong, and I suppose it got us through safely, but..... in her little heart she needed to hear it... hear me TELL her all would be well. I had this. We would be safe... promise. I think.
First major dropped ball between us likely...that right there.
Soon I'll attend the last family program at her T Boarding School.... her T is the Parent program director... the MAN. So good at what he does, and we've been blessed, whatever that means to you, or to me. Blessed/lucky she was his last.... what is she? She's the last girl he took on as a patient/student.... he only ever had 4 bc of his parent program work load, and for the first time the dog doesn't bark her head off at a squirrel.
Hmm..... there's something to this lead dog stuff.
Lighter
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So, this week has been about exploring how I handle old triggers and traumas in the midst of finding and exploring relief in a fairly sheltered environment.
Sheltered in that I'm not exposed to ALL anxiety inducing things in my life at once, mind you. There are many things I'm moving through, making peace with, and shaking off completely...... more comfort in crowds, speaking my truth and experiencing more confidence.... feeling entitled to stick to my views, despite other people's disagreement.
So..... today I'm researching sea walls, costs of materials (vinyl) labor, and transportation..... honestly everything about this topic is anxiety inducing for me. "Activating"
Just every aspect, and then there's getting anything done on an island. So. Difficult.
I know an EMDR marathon is in my immediate future.
I'm cooking a big pot of bone broth for Vietnamese Pho to share with friends this evening. I love the fresh herbs, and aromas of Star Anise, Fennel, Coriander, Cinnamon, Cloves and Ginger wafting through the house.....Basil, Cilantro..... just lovely. DD14 loves this meal..... we can love it together.
::nodding::
The back porch is neat and inviting..... must change out Christmas lights for the hanging candle holders, but it feels very shabby chic cozy the way it is. I'll leave it, and that's OK too.
Pug has calmed down, and walks with me in the forest every day...... she's better at running than walking for some reason. I can't even tell she's tied to my waist when we run. What a revelation to take charge, and insist she not walk ahead, pull or lead. She gets it, and knows what I want. I just had to ask. Silly humans.
I feel like I'm a sponge, soaking up information that leads to more information.... it seems so very important. I wonder why we don't learn these things in grade school.
I have to go back and read, watch, listen to the same things again and again bc I can't internalize it all. It comes in spits and spats, but gets easier with familiarity. I've not hit my stride, or found a way to have it all in one place... I wish I'd been keeping a very precise journal through the years, I really do.
So, that's my day, and current mission..... learning how to approach my life without framing it in old ways that no longer serve.
Learning how true North ebbs and flows,
how not to fear....
how to remain curious and attentive, and let that be enough.
Anyone have any experience building sea walls?
Lighter
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Je suis totally confused...
Thought you were living in a mountain community.
Knew you then moved but thought it was back to a metro area.
But I'm delighted to hear you're near if not on, the sea!
(Though I hope the climate doesn't eat your new home.)
Hugs,
Hops
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In the OBX, there is a special treated wood that is the most common material for docks, sea walls - or as we call them, bulkheads...
I can see where vinyl is attractive from the maintenance standpoint, but I honestly don't think it would hold up for this purpose too well. The wood tends to absorb the salty water - which actually makes it seal tighter and become stronger; an actual PART of the environment. This helps it hold the sand where it's supposed to be, and keep the water where it's supposed to be. There is no maintenance really for the wood, except to occasionally screw dock boards back down. (Hint: stainless steel screws and hardware hold up the best in a marine environment.)
I'd expect the life span of something built out of wood (with small preventative maintenance kept up) to be 20-30 years or so. Depending on if your bulkhead is taking actual waves - or simply dealing with the tide on a brackish creek.
That's my two cents on bulkheads, anyway.
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Speaking of resistance, my old neurotic "not wanting to spend any money" hangup is back again... as I start working on the improvements around here and accumulating the tools I really NEED to function here. I'm not at all sure where this "denial of needs" comes from. I could see it if I was blowing money on a rock & roll cruise in the Caribbean or something... or buying a lot clothes that I don't have closet space for... or shoes (ok, I did buy some new Uggs; my current pair are at least 3 years old and I wear them until it's time for flip flops).
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Hops:
It's confusing, I know, but I'm not ON a mountain right now. I'm near mountains, on trails and forest.... there was another house I rented on a small mountain in 2010 to 2012 I guess.... the one with the bears in the garbage problems. I've done a bit of moving around, I guess, and the Condo on Beech Mountain's been gone for years.
The island house was purchased long ago..... I haven't been there since the girls were 2 and 4yo.
Now that I'm writing about these things again, I'm noticing how much negativity I hold around them.
I'm going to attempt to bring creativity, and joy back to this process. Will see.
Thanks for the info on sea walls, Amber. Everything will work out. I know it will. Once I have information from the neighbor, and the contractor I'll report back, and see what you think.
Lighter
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Youngest dd14 is surprisingly happy to be planning a trip to the beach with me....happy chattering about it. She doesn't want her sister to go. Not sure how that will work out, but..... maybe a trip to Destin just the two of us. I think both girls should go to Bimini..... it's an investment... a working trip and we should all work at, IMO.
DD16 is experiencing anxiety over planned trip home from boarding school. So am I. I'll write a letter to finish my process... I see closure involving forgiveness, which isn't dd16's idea of closure, and that's OK too.
Important for us to understand there will be backsliding, and recovery for us both. We both have a skewed idea of doing things perfectly..... will have to work on that.
Light
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Hooboy. I remember these teenaged years vividly, Lighter, with my two girls. Everyone in the process is tense, anxious, and unclear of where boundaries need to be, should be, or what they are. At least, if you didn't start the process knowing what a boundary was it's like that.
But it sounds like all 3 of you have a pretty good grip on things. And that's good. Just keep talking to each other. The hardest times are now related as funny stories told on oneself by Holly. Amy's still not talking much. But she has a whole ball of yarn to unravel for herself before she gets to the truth about us. Not my yarn, ya know? Holly and I can still yell and release emotions on each other and immediately move on together - the things that have no words - and it totally freaks people out that we can take each other's anger without taking it personally and if it is about us, totally own up to our own responsibility/screw up/and finally figure out what it is we want from each other. LOL.
Not talking is how problems arise.
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DD16 assures me she's been working on her issues instensely for months, and more recently, the issues I'm most concerned about.
Just saying that out loud is a relief. I didn't know how to get us both through it, and it turns out she's already made it through. Now I just have to find closure for myself.
A dear friend is visiting soon. I've decided to have the Amazon bonfire, complete with ritual burning of items FINALLY, and lists of things I need to let go of. Both girls will be invited, and attend if they choose.
This feels so right..... like a deep cleansing breeze is on the way: )
Setting up a daily check in, between me and both girls, will be something I;d like to get in place. More for me, perhaps, than them. They've been doing that since they learned it in 2nd and 4th grades at their enlightened school.
I'm the one who'll likely have the hardest time with it. Thanks for the reminder to just keep talking to each other, Amber. I think that's going to be one of the most important pieces.
Lighter
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DD16 assures me she's been working on her issues instensely for months, and more recently, the issues I'm most concerned about.
Just saying that out loud is a relief. I didn't know how to get us both through it, and it turns out she's already made it through. Now I just have to find closure for myself.
A dear friend is visiting soon. I've decided to have the Amazon bonfire, complete with ritual burning of items FINALLY, and lists of things I need to let go of. Both girls will be invited, and attend if they choose.
This feels so right..... like a deep cleansing breeze is on the way: )
Setting up a daily check in, between me and both girls, will be something I;d like to get in place. More for me, perhaps, than them. They've been doing that since they learned it in 2nd and 4th grades at their enlightened school.
I'm the one who'll likely have the hardest time with it. Thanks for the reminder to just keep talking to each other, Amber. I think that's going to be one of the most important pieces.
Lighter
The bonfire sounds like an amazing idea, Lighter, and I'm so pleased your D has just got on and sorted things out in her mind. It sounds like all the things you've been doing really helped. Steps forward, by the sound of things, it's good to be able to leave the past behind :)
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Hi Tupp:
I've been researching the death arrow fire ceremony. The biggest thing that comes up for me is the concept of "releasing" people, and things....... especially harmful toxic people who don't deserve forgiveness..... Who have done unforgivable things.
It helps tidy up what I used to think of as forgiveness......
which is tricky, and sometimes impossible to make sense of.
Finding a way to make peace with the past, and leave toxic people behind..... if possible.... seems like fresh air to me.
Release..... to shed..... to leave behind.... scrape off.....dislodge..... cut out..... excise...... remove, and make space for something new....
::nodding::
I like it.
Lighter
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Hi Tupp:
I've been researching the death arrow fire ceremony. The biggest thing that comes up for me is the concept of "releasing" people, and things....... especially harmful toxic people who don't deserve forgiveness..... Who have done unforgivable things.
It helps tidy up what I used to think of as forgiveness......
which is tricky, and sometimes impossible to make sense of.
Finding a way to make peace with the past, and leave toxic people behind..... if possible.... seems like fresh air to me.
Release..... to shed..... to leave behind.... scrape off.....dislodge..... cut out..... excise...... remove, and make space for something new....
::nodding::
I like it.
Lighter
Releasing is something I find difficult, particularly when the other person hasn't acknowledged or accepted what they have done. I do feel a little like I'm shedding stuff at the moment, people and past events I suppose. I feel a bit like the past is holding me back and I want it gone so I can leap into the future. Ceremonies can help, just because it's a sort of formal declaration I suppose, even if it's just to yourself, but you're showing that you mean business, you want this done and things need to change. That can only be a good thing from my point of view :)
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It feeeeels like a good thing, Tupp: )
Light
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Trump.....
is a huge distraction.
And all this.... legal.....nightmare....
::shaking head::.
entitled, litigious, combative in his world view.....
it's familiar, and I'm so very sick of it.
Sick.
Sick of watching the circus.
Any circus... all of them.
On the whole, I'm trying to ignore the news, but I do check in.
No....
I check to see if Trump's been outed.... for whatever it is he's done or can be PROVE he's done....
for whatever he can be exposedjust exposed, and in a way that his sycophants can't defend. And if his sycophants DO continue, despite all evidence, I pray that reasonable men and women are somehow heard over the crazy.
We head out of the Country tomorrow, and I feel OK about it. Like I have enough done, handled, under control to breath. I want to dance and laugh with my cousins.... remember being young with them, and celebrate the first wedding of the next generation. I'm smiling just thinking about it.
My back went out.... a friend adjusted it, and it was the left side of my neck causing the lower back trouble. He was right on target, and I'm feeling up to lifting and lugging heavy suitcases..... whew.
I'll check in once we're settled: )
Lighter
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Do you think the wider world affects you more when it echoes things you've been through, Lighter? We've got a very right wing government at the moment who are about to team up with a political team in Ireland who are anti abortion, anti gay, don't believe in evolution and so on. Way, way out of my sphere and I find it very difficult to cope with being part of a minority who, it seems to me, are far more level headed and grounded in fact than the people in power. To me it echoes my family dynamic and I think that's why it makes me feel so uncomfortable (or more uncomfortable than it seems to make a lot of other people, at any rate) and I wondered if you find that, too?
I hope your back is okay! The wedding sounds like fun, I hope it's a lovely trip and that if your back plays up its from dancing, not from lugging suitcases :) x
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I'm on phone when it dying battery but here's a quick update.
Canada great..... the Blue 🐋 exhibition is at their museum now....so cool! We loved it. Weather great. Food lovely.
Niagra falls we're a lot of fun. Amazing at night.....went to scary houses and mazes with competitive members of our group. Fun was had by all.
On to wedding in Ohio and these cousins are the sweetest funniest ever.....we worked hard to decorate rustic historical barn and laughed a lot doing it. I held lots if babies and danced my feet off.....we all did. We put candles all over the walls on ledges......it was beautiful and the act blew arcticc cold across the dance floor. They had a small vanilla cake with raspberry jam and vanilla buttercream then many different cup cakes for guest.....looked festive and delicious. BBQ wAs very good...open bar with gf choices....a lovely light lemony Sangria was very popular...... everything went well and on time. I really love
We're hitting a cool vintage shop on way out of town....a good time was had by all.
Light the entire process of decorating weddings.
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Amen to the national nightmare, Lighter.
It's the backdrop of all other emotions I'm feeling these days.
Digging deep for a crumb of faith but there's so much GRIEF
for the beloved country.
The KKK is coming near me (nearer than you can imagine) soon.
After that a similar group.
I'm sickened by it all.
love
Hops
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How threatening to have the KKK so close, Hops. Why are they there? Hopefully it's for a short time, and not permanent.
I didn't watch the news while traveling. It's too alarming.
The wedding couple are from different races. It was uplifting to see cultural diversity celebrated in Ohio.
Remember there are rational people willing to do what's right in the world too, Hops.
Lighter
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My community is going through some revisionist history issues, I'll say.
Got national attention for a progressive-led effort and thus attracted
the interest of the vile alt-right.
Most depressing, but there's a very strong progressive culture here,
so it's just a matter of strategizing lively, community-led, creative
counter protests. Locals are all over it. And media will try to
cover both.
I'll probably go to one of those if the traffic isn't too daunting.
The sheet-heads from elsewhere will be outnumbered by good folks.
I just don't want to see violence.
I remember our mass protests during Viet Nam, which were for the
most part so peaceful. Today's climate is much meaner.
We'll weather whatever happens, of that I feel sure.
Hops
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I'm on phone when it dying battery but here's a quick update.
Canada great..... the Blue 🐋 exhibition is at their museum now....so cool! We loved it. Weather great. Food lovely.
Niagra falls we're a lot of fun. Amazing at night.....went to scary houses and mazes with competitive members of our group. Fun was had by all.
On to wedding in Ohio and these cousins are the sweetest funniest ever.....we worked hard to decorate rustic historical barn and laughed a lot doing it. I held lots if babies and danced my feet off.....we all did. We put candles all over the walls on ledges......it was beautiful and the act blew arcticc cold across the dance floor. They had a small vanilla cake with raspberry jam and vanilla buttercream then many different cup cakes for guest.....looked festive and delicious. BBQ wAs very good...open bar with gf choices....a lovely light lemony Sangria was very popular...... everything went well and on time. I really love
We're hitting a cool vintage shop on way out of town....a good time was had by all.
Light the entire process of decorating weddings.
Making beautiful memories, Lighter, I love times like that, just fun, enjoyment, gratitude for all that is good and nothing too difficult or triggering to deal with. Perfect. Look forward to hearing more when you're home and back on computer. In the meantime I hope the good times continue :) Tup xx
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I've been editing the house.... just doing it. Filling the truck, and taking loads to Goodwill. Selling some things. Giving things away. It's been wonderful, and the office is now a huge hang out space with seating and extra bed for guests..... lovely and HUGE. All the papers are cleared away, and out of my living space. I figured if I'd burned them I'd need them, so..... just out of the way, and out of my space will have to do. It's lovely.
I can get both vehicles in the garage now. My heavy bag is hanging, free and clear. It feels good to hit it again.
My art supplies and tools will be organized next.... then my bedroom. The rest of the house is pretty OK.... just need to do some more editing, and thank goodness I'm in the mood, and working steadily at it. And humming... again.
DD15 made her own birthday cake today. It was pink and blue, with checker board pattern...... she was at it for hours. Gluten free, but not sugar free. She cut me what was supposed to be a sliver..... it made me feel ill, but I wasn't going to say NO, was I? Nope. I'm just not used to eating that much sugar any more.
We're heading downtown to walk about, and watch the tourists..... same thing we did last night. The night was comfortable bc of the breeze. I hope tonight's as nice.
All the furniture in the office fits in the room. Two HUGE armoirs, a Q bed, a gigantic desk, and two large stone and wood end tables I use for the copy machine work station. There's 4 leather smoking chairs set up with a very large ottoman to watch movies..... I can't believe how large this room really is with all the papers gone. It seemed like I'd have to get rid of so much furniture, but the room just expanded.... like magic.
Tupp..... I hope you can put your papers for good soon. It's like opening a door to the sun after living in a dark closet for years, IME.
The energy of the space is better...... all the dust bunnies cleared away, and.... it's just very nice. Everyone feels good in it. I'm not conflicted at all about the process, thank goodness. I guess it was time.
Lighter
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I've been editing the house.... just doing it. Filling the truck, and taking loads to Goodwill. Selling some things. Giving things away. It's been wonderful, and the office is now a huge hang out space with seating and extra bed for guests..... lovely and HUGE. All the papers are cleared away, and out of my living space. I figured if I'd burned them I'd need them, so..... just out of the way, and out of my space will have to do. It's lovely.
I can get both vehicles in the garage now. My heavy bag is hanging, free and clear. It feels good to hit it again.
My art supplies and tools will be organized next.... then my bedroom. The rest of the house is pretty OK.... just need to do some more editing, and thank goodness I'm in the mood, and working steadily at it. And humming... again.
DD15 made her own birthday cake today. It was pink and blue, with checker board pattern...... she was at it for hours. Gluten free, but not sugar free. She cut me what was supposed to be a sliver..... it made me feel ill, but I wasn't going to say NO, was I? Nope. I'm just not used to eating that much sugar any more.
We're heading downtown to walk about, and watch the tourists..... same thing we did last night. The night was comfortable bc of the breeze. I hope tonight's as nice.
All the furniture in the office fits in the room. Two HUGE armoirs, a Q bed, a gigantic desk, and two large stone and wood end tables I use for the copy machine work station. There's 4 leather smoking chairs set up with a very large ottoman to watch movies..... I can't believe how large this room really is with all the papers gone. It seemed like I'd have to get rid of so much furniture, but the room just expanded.... like magic.
Tupp..... I hope you can put your papers for good soon. It's like opening a door to the sun after living in a dark closet for years, IME.
The energy of the space is better...... all the dust bunnies cleared away, and.... it's just very nice. Everyone feels good in it. I'm not conflicted at all about the process, thank goodness. I guess it was time.
Lighter
Wow, isn't it funny how things happen so easily when it is just the right time, Lighter? No push or force, no deadline, no pressure - just time to put things in their rightful place. The past can be accessed if necessary but it isn't taking up any room right now. There if you need it but not stopping you from enjoying your peace, at this time. How lovely, Lighter, I am happy for you :)
And DDs cake! Wow, that sounds amazing, I am so bad at baking that anyone with that skill really impresses me. It's funny how our bodies get used to things like sugar, and then used to not having them again but, as you say, you can't refuse something that impressive! I was talking to someone the other day whose daughter was making a castle cake for school; they were doing a project in design technology and had been asked to make castles out of different materials - wood, paper, card, tin foil and so on. She loves to back and so decided cake was the best medium, complete with turrets and a flag pole. I'm sure all the other kids enjoyed her efforts :)
I'm writing a book about our experiences, Lighter, so I'm hoping that one day all that paperwork represents the beginnings of a good future for my son. For now, it's filed, organised and stored in pretty files and folders. Everything's easy to find (or as easy as it can be to find one piece of paper in a thousand pages!). Some is on the bookshelf in the sitting room which sits just inside the doorway so it's easy to get to but you're not looking at it when you're sitting in the room. The rest is on shelving in my room, covered by a red sari type drape that I bought in a charity shop - it gives no suggestion to the horror that lies beneath!
I am looking forward to the day when I can relegate it to a place I don't need to access regularly and I'm so pleased you've been able to literally put it all to one side, Lighter, and turn your office into such a cosy and welcoming place. It is very much deserved xx
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Tupp:
Picturing you typing away at your book.... wearing reading glasses in your private room.... warms my heart. God's speed finishing it..... perhaps you'll be able to help others through your efforts.
I hope you use essential oils that bring you joy.
And candles.
I didn't get much done to day, but plan and shop for 4 large meals for the beach. The teens can help with them... they're looking forward to it.
Meal 1
Tamales... lots of them. Pork and chicken.... some super uber hot.
Meal 2
Tom Kha soup with chicken and shrimp.
Meal 3
Pho with beef tendon balls.
Meal 4
Green Curry Catch of the day... we'll get the seafood at the beach. Maybe catch it! I love to fish.
Lots of grilling at the beach..... I appreciate hamburgers in a lettuce bun with grilled green tomatoes. YUM. Grilled Knockwurst bowl with chili, and sauerkraut.
I'm still enjoying breakfast salads..... greens, with bacon, avocado, poached eggs and different dressings to mix things up. Different greens too. When I eat more salads I feel better.
Crab cakes are always popular. I'm guessing those would be good on breakfast salads.
::nodding::
And pan sauteed shrimp/fish poor boys with coleslaw.... I really love the texture of the Against the Grain rolls.
It's been so long since we had a beach trip.... and this is likely the last one with the kids still.... kids. Young adults.... but still not adults, kwim?
Can you tell I'm hungry as I write this?
Lighter
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Think I must have been inspired by the story of house editing because I got a rare breeze of let-it-go inspiration and I did a decent amount of summer cleaning.
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I'm always happy when I let things go.....after.
In the open space. I have to remember how that feels. Letting go is easier when I focus on that part. I'm going through the final small baskets of accumulated pens and nail files and it's....hard again. There's a part of me who wants to organize it all.....not pitch it.
Things get better when the pitcher is winning.
Lighter
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Your office sounds fabulous Lighter! Mine is still in "transition", but having found the floor again - yes it DOES feel bigger! With it being so hot & humid, going outside to work again after noon, is just not in the cards for me. Not right now.
I'm spending more time in the kitchen, supporting my wish to discover if eating keto will fit well with my body/metabolism by cooking ahead the kinds of things I can grab & eat without a lot of prep.
OH... I was looking for some new wall sconces to replace the '80s looking things that simply don't go in my rustic/industrial cabin and finally found what I wanted at a website called Houzz. After I decided to get them ordered, so I could stop thinking about it (LOL) I looked at their categories of things and took a casual stroll through the website.... oh MY... I almost got lost there for hours! First, it's a website with social aspects to it for creative types. The design and function of it is easy, excellent and a joy to use - unlike Pinterest - their software and how it works frustrates me no end so I've seldom used it. The other thing I noticed, was that the furniture and styles they carry were very close to the fuzzy, vague images I had in my minds-eye about what I'm looking for. If you get some down time, check it out. Seems like it was made for people who like to design and make nests. Prices are a wide range, too... which is also different than a lot of places. Sometimes I don't want to pay a whole lot for a piece of furniture that simply has to function; doesn't have to add to the ambience. And sometimes I'm willing to go a lot higher for the important visual, comfort and functional pieces.
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Having food handy is a must, ime. We're eating pots of soup lately....and fresh Grouper 4 ways.....red curry and coconut milk, green curry, sauteed simply and with chili garlic sauce.
We're not eating carbs every day, but often enough to head off rebellion.
I'm drinking icy blended fruit beverages with basil and club soda on top......too many really, but so good in this heat. I'm craving salad and sushi.
Lighter
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I think I found out that I need to put the effort in - shopping, then a day or so in the kitchen - preparing those hand to mouth finger foods that are acceptable. Then, ONLY buying an "emergency" stash of my favorite junk carbs: and hiding it.
I dunno where I figured out I was THAT visually oriented, maybe tai chi, but it's really helpful for something like this. I'm not being all that scientific about carbs/fats yet. Just trying to a) cut back the excess carbs for now and replace them with better options. My body's not overly happy about the change. :? But I do see where it takes some weeks to adapt.
The heat here has been oppressive - almost beach oppressive. Consequently I'm inside hiding from it when I want to be outside working, and that's not helping. But relief is supposed to be only a few days away. I'm running out of things to do inside, that I'm ready to tackle.
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I hear you!
My body can't be left alone with a loaf of bread.
I can hide it, freeze it, take it outside to the can...but I know where it is.
The craving never forgets.
I've been doing better lately and lost a few, due to ONE strategem. Though I can't normally afford WholePaycheck...I go there once or twice a week (the best time is "Meatless Monday" when it's discounted. I buy one or two boxes of fresh, prewashed greens (this time one was baby kale, the other a "super" mix). Then I go to their food bar (salad on one, prepared dishes on another) and load a modest-sized container with all the savory, crunchy, yummy things I don't want to purchase individually. It's too expensive and for me, too time consuming to get the super-variety of nutrients one needs. Much as I love beets, marinated mushrooms, quinoa salad, tabouleh, red onion, fennel, peas, etc.--I'm not going to buy and prepare them individually. I jam the container full.
Then at home (or taking it to work) I have at least one big meal with a large bowl of the mixed greens atop which I dump some of the savory yummies plus maybe a hard-boiled sliced egg, dribble great yohurt-based dressing on it and chow down. Those meals are SO satisfying that I feel calm and full and satisfied for hours.
If I do that EVERY day (I even have salads every time I cook an egg for breakfast) I can feel that the carb-binges are held at bay. (Plus, not bringing breads home in the first place.)
I still lapse or skip but overall, this general pattern has been the most helpful for me in a long time.
I cook fish at home sometimes, with a big pile of some frozen veg...similar effect.
Hugs
Hops
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Hops:
Reading your last post made me hungry yesterday. I ate, and never made it back to the board.
Armed with strong coffee, I'm back.
How am I? Feeling untethered, but otherwise whole. I think that's my natural state of being, actually, so maybe not a bad thing. Just something I was growing out of, IMO... hoped I was pretty well past, I suppose.
I pulled weeds yesterday, changed the filter on the AC unit and organized, did laundry..... and feel more grounded.
Today is cool, and breezy so I'll likely pressure wash the driveway, which is pitted and damaged from salt two winters ago. Salt eats cement, guys. No good. I have to clean moss off the roof this year again, and maybe use a chemical to keep it from coming back. I don't want to destroy moss and plants below the roof, so must give this more thought. The neighbor's son is pressing in to be involved. I'm not sure what to make of him, but I don't like that he says unkind things about his gf to me. He's adorable, and likes to talk, I'll say that.
Sometimes I think there must be simple answers to these things, but I'm just not able to access them, or figure them out. Wow, I had to think for a second to remember the current battle with mice. I tend to take any conflict personally, and badly, bc of my dislike for all conflict. That it's not bothering me badly today is a good thing.
So, there were mice under my new car hood when I returned from Canada. I may have mentioned that before. The mice and or nest made the Air Conditioner blow air that smelled like mouse barn, and I'm SO not exaggerating about that. Before I had time to breath and FIX the problem well enough to feel good about it, it was time to travel again. On return, the AC still smells a bit like barn, but it was improved for whatever reason I can't remember now. I set traps, I put out poison, I ran the car, I parked it again and hoped.
It's an odd thing to use poison and traps. I always resist, but I can't lose any battle involving mice or roaches, just can't, so I use, but it's horrifying to know these poisons do what they do to everything that eats it so I go round and round through my head worst case scenarios, etc.
::Nodding::
I really hate the idea of things suffering. It doesn't help me feel tethered, I'll say that. There was one mouse in the house, but he moved to the garage after I moved the bag of bird seed. Now the traps have been empty for days.
I don't hear much from the woodpecker living in the wall behind oldest dd's bed, but the hole is still there, of course. She had babies, and I heard them grow up. Now it's quiet. I wonder if I should cover the opening, or leave it. It worries me to think of what's happening IN he wall, and worries me that the peckers will simply make higher holes I can't reach on the other side of the house if I go to the trouble of dragging the heavy ladder all that way, snip metal, find the screws, and tools, and DO it, only to regret it, and that's my process.
My sister leaves today. Her dd begins University this fall in the US... they live in Canada, so that's got to be hard for them all.
My super edit is about done.... lots of stuff given away and sold. Not enough, but I'm truly grateful for the progress made. The more important task may have been moving all tools to the shed, all art supplies organized in glass fronted cabinets in the garage, games and school supplies to the office loft. It's good. Having the garage emptied bodes well in the mouse struggle, IMO.
I have access to my heavy bag, which I've bounced while noting my lowered tolerance for pain. I'm still resisting regular work outs, for whatever reason. There's so much to be gained of who I was at my strongest... I don't know why I resist. I remember making big efforts in the past, but they involved other people, and that's the mistake I think. It needs to just be me, and if someone joins then they do. Old habits are hard to break. I worked out for years with a group of like minded people, and didn't realize how special it was. I have to create something new, and stop whining about it not being what it was.... it's done.
My whiny little child inside isn't happy about any of it, I'll tell you. She's holding her breath, and turning blue.
Lighter
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Hops:
Did the KKK move on and out of your neighborhood quickly?
Lighter
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Hey, Lighter, what's your inner little one not happy about? Can you tell or is it too fuzzy?
I hope the mice have gone! I'm not keen on traps and poisons either, but then we have a cat so she deals with any minor problems as they come up (in fact, there are so many cats where we live that I'd be surprised if a single mouse can live here).
You sound like you've been really busy, both at home and with your travels. I find it sometimes takes me a while to readjust after a big project or time away. I also find my inner Tup rails against doing grown up stuff sometimes. Down to her having to grow up too fast when she was younger, I think. But sometimes doing sensible jobs seems less appealing than watching a box set. Sometimes I give in :) Did you get your driveway done? xx
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Lighter, I can't remember the name of the group, dang it, MAYBE something like Boot Camp, but there's a committed and apparently very intense fitness group in my town. Not huge but very motivated and close. They meet at various places in the relatively early morning--no gym involved. If I remember my friend's description correctly, I believe they choose different locations and create different workouts for each other, and all do them together?
All I know is she's incredibly fit and appears to really love this approach...maybe something like that would be positive for you. Less isolating?
Hops
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Hops:
It's funny you bring that up. A friend, who's asked to work out with me many times, asked again yesterday. I'll stop finding reasons to say NO, and just do it. With him, with my children, without them... I just need to do it.
Tupp:
My inner child is upset about a lot of things.
She's stunned to find so man years slipped by. She's not sure how to BE the age she is.
She's spitting mad at the legal system..... the little people in positions of power in government jobs at every level who casually harm individuals they should serve and/or protect. There's no accountability. No consequences for being incompetent, or ignorant, or for purposely harming people bc of both. You've been there, and then they're mixed in with the Cluster Bs.... everywhere. Perfect little helpers.... also helping them blend and pass.
She's angry that children are so vulnerable. She angry so many harmful people have children.....that they're born into regions with war, famine, and droughts.
She's angry she's not as strong, flexible, confident. She doesn't know how to be anything else.
She's angry her father wasn't there when she needed him. She's angry he wouldn't listen to her about having a dangerous surgery that left him stroked. The last 11 years taught her who she can depend on, but it also made clear how little voice she's had in her FOO. That's more heartbreaking for her than anything else.
She's puzzled and frustrated with the energy between her oldest dd and herself. It physically hurts at times.
She's angry that the love of her life died of cancer, and left her alone. She misses being that cherished, and loved. She hasn't been able to let anyone else near.
She's mad that she couldn't mother the girls to the best of her ability.... the way she did before her world flew apart. She's sure nothing can ever be OK after that.
She's just very very petulant, and stubborn, Tupp.
Lighter
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My garage is cleaned out. The outdoor shower repairs are finished. Oldest DD16 is home today, and looks great. Sounds great, though she's tired... not enough sleep.
Youngest looked at me today, during conversation, and said....
"It makes me so..... sad.... that you care so much about other people."
It broke my heart. It wasn't a compliment. It was a truth about a deficit she sees.... that harms me.... it's not the first time she's mentioned it.
Thinking about others is my comfort zone. It's so difficult to change patterns, and not get thrown off by chaos, IME.
Last week provided challenges and opportunities to work on this.
Lighter
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Your inner child sounds as if she's rightly pissed off about a lot of things, Lighter.
It's interesting that you say your D has noticed you caring about others so much. Kids can be so insightful. A friend of mine had a conversation with her son recently, where he asked her, very candidly, why she ever married his dad as it was obviously a terrible idea. It just really struck her that he saw something so clearly that it had taken her years to notice.
It is easier to think about other people rather than working on ourselves. It's safer. For me it means I can't be criticised for being 'bad' or selfish. If I never do anything for myself no-one can blame me for anything. Working on that one, too xx
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I'm working on it too, Tupp. I did something stupid this week, and I'm trying to flip it around, and turn it into a learning experience rather than what it feels like right now.
I'm going to learn from this one.
::nodding::
Lighter
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I'm working on it too, Tupp. I did something stupid this week, and I'm trying to flip it around, and turn it into a learning experience rather than what it feels like right now.
I'm going to learn from this one.
::nodding::
Lighter
It always amazes me how many of my mum's bad habits I have picked up unintentionally. I found myself re-running a scenario in my head for probably the millionth time this week, about something I did about ten years ago. I was selfish and thoughtless and cause quite a few other people inconvenience for a part of their morning. But I realised I'm still running this through my head, ten years later. I was moving house, after a very stressful time, and had already done three trips with the van and needed to go back a fourth time to get the last few bits that hadn't fitted in. When we got back to the house there was nowhere to park and so I just blocked the road and made a queue of traffic wait while I loaded up. I probably delayed them by about ten to fifteen minutes and everyone was very cross. I was very tired and stressed as well and just wanted to get everything done. So it wasn't my finest hour and not the way I'd usually behave but to still be running it through my mind ten years later is just silly (and seems even sillier now I've written it down). But that's what my mum would be doing, bringing that up a decade on, to remind me that I am an inherently bad person.
What I'm saying is I get how hard it is to do something that you wish you hadn't done (or had done differently) and be able to accept it, let it go and not give yourself a hard time about it. That is a hard lesson to learn (even though it is so good for us! Lol). Sending you learning and letting go thoughts, Lighter :) xx