Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on October 01, 2016, 09:15:49 PM
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Well, it's kinda funny.
Six months after I got myself fired by Nboss, I finally reached out to someone local whom I knew he had worked for when he first came to this area. Same industry, just a small-scale retail version. The story I'd heard somewhere was that Nboss had basically taken advantage of this man, swiped customers and gone off to begin his own enterprise (which I'd joined about a year later).
So I wrote...after an awkward call to his store during which the nice employee who gave me the right email to write to, also clued me in that "he" was now "she." Fascinating! The new boss, a pleasant and interesting woman, was male back when Nboss worked for him. Anyway, she is now a transgender woman (still in the process) in my general age group...and she hired me PT for an expansion idea she has. Just 3 days/week for now. She knows my goal is FT by Thanksgiving (so I don't have to dip into retirement funds).
In a nutshell, I find her personally very likeable, even endearing, and professionally ditsy as hell. I'm mostly enjoying it, save for those times when her time management issues make me look like a professional organizer. But I'm grateful, and hoping that our collaboration will build a nice new revenue stream for her that will trickle down enough to me to make me feel safe.
The "office" is absurd...gorgeously decorated little space behind a warehouse space...no air, but it's pretty! But I'm finding it's okay. For one thing, the business is right downtown which I LIKE. I take walks on the sidewalk with Other Humans (imagine!) and am getting exercise going up and down the stairs too. Goofy, but I'm overall pretty happy. I have told her that sometimes I'm just going to take my laptop and head for a coffee house to get a change of scene and fresh air. I didn't ask, but told. I think the trust is growing so when I do that for the first time next week, she'll find she can handle it. I couldn't take it being in that basement space all winter so I want to set a healthier precedent now.
I've been there three weeks and really do feel appreciated. She seems dazed by how much I know about this niche. And we have fun brainstorming together. She says it's the first time she's ever been able to "talk shop" with anyone to this extent, because she's been a solo business owner for such a long time.
I've avoided talking about Nboss with her for the most part. I think she's absorbed my hints that my former situation wasn't good and so far, she is treating me with much more respect than he ever did. I am grateful for that.
I'm pretty much taking things one day at a time, and it's improved my life and outlook already. More later as things move ahead.
Hugs
Hops
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Hopsie this sounds like a good situation! Really good that you are putting 'getting out of the office' stuff in place from the start and maybe the ditzy aspects will settle once you've been there for a while. It sounds like she may not have had an example to follow and has probably been too busy to get on top of things? That could all change now you're there, it sounds great. Funny that you've both experienced NBoss, he certainly gets around! Anyway, keep us posted. I'm glad that things are sounding good :) Are you still doing the wine tasting thing as well? x
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Hi Hops:
It warms my heart to read your take on those pieces that don't serve you..... the darkness of basement space in the winter, and how you'll proactively handle it, for instance.
The only thing that popped up for me was the respect part...... driving the mission forward, without being cast in role as professional organizer, seems obvious, and a little tricky to me.
If new boss gets dependant on you for organization it might be hard to keep the mission on track without new boss feeling.... resentment? Losing perspective?
Not sure, just sharing what came up. Honestly, your post has so much promise, and hope, and possibility for growth..... I'm very happy for you.
I can just imagine the creativity radiating off you. How wonderful to take a project you feel competent and confident to run with....
and run.
Breath the busy, sunny, productive fall air, my friend.
What wonderful news: )
Lighter
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Hi Tupp,
Thanks for the good wishes...no, the wine-serving adventure was over after 3 weekends. I had only 2 days/wknd and they cancelled half of them as I was heading out the door to work. They hadn't explained it was a new retail model where if the business anticipates a slow day (again, last minute) they'll just cancel a worker's scheduled shift to trim costs. I arranged my calendar to put work first and it didn't sit well that they would increase low-paid workers' instability that way. Very exploitative. Secondly, my 22-y/o glamorous manager treated me like an irrelevant bad smell, refused to train me thoroughly and literally turned her back and gossiped away with a yet-younger worker when there were no customers. She clearly didn't like having an older person around.One day when I realized I felt like crying (Mean Girl memories) I decided it wasn't worth it. I've never regretted the decision for a moment.
Hi Lighter,
Yes, it'll be tricky at times because of her issues. But that's not something I can really control or fix, I don't think. So I'm just staying focused on what's positive and what does work, and hoping for the best. I'm well engaged and she appears to be sincere about moving my position to FT as soon as her financing for the expansion is lined up. If that does not happen, then I'll look elsewhere...but for now, I'm accepting her at face value. In the present, it's good.
Thanks, guys -- I'll keep posting job stories on this thread as they come up!
hugs
Hops
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Wow, Hops, congratulations! This job sounds wonderful. Even though you don't yet have the full-time schedule you need, it does sound like you're really hitting it off with your new boss, and will get to that place very soon. So happy for you. :D
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Thank you, Kathy! So kind of you to feel happy for me.
I do enjoy her. I think because I really am drawn to deep and radical human experience, non-conventional...and boy she sure is going through that. She senses that I'm a non-judgemental ally as far as her situation goes, so likes to drop little comments about what she's experiencing. Like hormones! I joke with her a bit about it too so she seems to appreciate being at ease around me.
One moment she's just a 60-year-old entrepreneur talking seriously about a business issue and the next she's a vulnerable 14-y/o for a flash. She's managing it all as best she can but what a change she's zooming through. I think it takes enormous courage.
We're a funny couple of old business bats, that's for sure. I like her grown daughter who works there too.
:)
Hops
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Hi Tupp,
Thanks for the good wishes...no, the wine-serving adventure was over after 3 weekends. I had only 2 days/wknd and they cancelled half of them as I was heading out the door to work. They hadn't explained it was a new retail model where if the business anticipates a slow day (again, last minute) they'll just cancel a worker's scheduled shift to trim costs. I arranged my calendar to put work first and it didn't sit well that they would increase low-paid workers' instability that way. Very exploitative. Secondly, my 22-y/o glamorous manager treated me like an irrelevant bad smell, refused to train me thoroughly and literally turned her back and gossiped away with a yet-younger worker when there were no customers. She clearly didn't like having an older person around.One day when I realized I felt like crying (Mean Girl memories) I decided it wasn't worth it. I've never regretted the decision for a moment.
Hi Lighter,
Yes, it'll be tricky at times because of her issues. But that's not something I can really control or fix, I don't think. So I'm just staying focused on what's positive and what does work, and hoping for the best. I'm well engaged and she appears to be sincere about moving my position to FT as soon as her financing for the expansion is lined up. If that does not happen, then I'll look elsewhere...but for now, I'm accepting her at face value. In the present, it's good.
Thanks, guys -- I'll keep posting job stories on this thread as they come up!
hugs
Hops
Ah those zero hours contracts are causing misery over here as well, you're right, it's highly exploitative. I don't blame you for getting out of that situation, more toxicity is not what anyone needs in their life! This new one sounds great, keep us posted :)
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I knew it!
Was having a chuckle with boss' very nice daughter and we were commiserating over how challenging it is to brainstorm with boss, as she's all over the map. I said carefully, hmmm, reminds me a little of ADD, and her D goes--Oh yes, she's really got it, has to take her Rx because without it she can't focus at all...
Oh boy. Takes one to know one...
:lol:
Hops
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Hi y'all--
Several have asked how the job's going, sorry it's taken a while.
It's all of these things: fun, frustrating, bizarre, engaging, and just...strange.
But I'm liking it overall.
I'm mostly stay embedded in the present because it's honestly hard to visualize how my boss, with the panoply of issues she's dealing with (some serious executive function challenges, an old brain injury, transitioning, and I'm not sure what else) -- can really, actually, see this through to success. She is blithely assuming that I and her daughter can take it all over and make it work. She's NOT engaged enough, but is still trying, and in her own odd way, tenacious.
We had a talk the other day about how she needs me to slow down and give her time to process stuff. She's right. I'm keeping a grip on my impatience, but sometimes barely. She doesn't come in until 3:30 or 4:00 (by which time I'm tiring) and I literally have to read emails to her (that I already sent her and she never read) to be sure she's following the ins and outs of my detailed convos with suppliers. That drives me nuts. It's just not CEO behavior so I'm sometimes gob-smacked at what feels delusional. (Then again, she's kept her business alive since the 80s.)
I NEED her input and it's a little hair-pulling to get her focused. We're actually undertaking a huge task with multiple parts, and I feel overwhelmed with trying to keep track of it all with so little consistency from her. She starts, stops, changes her mind, and is just....ditsy. But I'm still being paid, so there's that.
So ironic.
That said, though, I still genuinely like her, and compared to the nightmare of my previous job, this is way way WAY better. I don't mind going, and I do feel valued. Just as though I'm in the twilight zone sometimes. I believe she's going to keep her word about making it FT after Thanksgiving, and if that does happen, I'll be relieved.
If I keep my expectations low and just do what I can, that'll be okay. It's just a fairly crazy situation.
Hugs
Hops
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Wowsers, Hops.
I can't believe boss works so little and hasn't made you full time.
How can she work so little and not have you there FT?
::crossing fingers::
Lighter
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I'm glad it's happening, Hops, even though it does sound difficult to manage! But you are going about things in your calm and stoical way, as usual. I hope some of your organisational skills rub off on her a bit; I have worked for incredibly scatty people and they are a nightmare! I'm glad that at least there is money coming in and will keep my fingers crossed that going full time will go well x
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Boss confirmed I'm FT after Tgiving! Start that schedule Monday. Whewwwwwwwwww. I'm massively relieved for practical rea$ons, and a bit chagrined at the prospect of 40-hour weeks again.
But overall, very grateful. I was so scared. No idea how long this can really continue but I do think I'll be okay financially now. No slack, really, but enough to get my wee house paid for in a year or so, and maybe at 70 (3 years on) I can either retire or just cut back to PT if the business survives.
This is truly a relief, and I'm truly grateful it happened.
Spending a lonesome pre-Tgiving evening but that is softened every time I think about what makes me grateful. Despite everything, there is a LOT I'm thankful for. (THIS is my favorite holiday. For some reason, just focusing on gratitude and loving the fact that there's not a load of ritual/expectation to worry about. And I have an invite to friends' tomorrow for an Italian feast, and made caponata without screwing it up to take along...and I just feel lucky.)
Happy Thanksgiving, Yanks! (And to our Tupp or any non-U.S. lurkers, warm wishes to you, too.)
love to all,
Hops
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PS, Lighter--The reason she works so little isn't because she doesn't care. It really is the sum total of all those neuro-bio-issues she's dealing with. She's trying harder and more consistently now, so it feels better.
hugs
Hops
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Boss confirmed I'm FT after Tgiving! Start that schedule Monday. Whewwwwwwwwww. I'm massively relieved for practical rea$ons, and a bit chagrined at the prospect of 40-hour weeks again.
But overall, very grateful. I was so scared. No idea how long this can really continue but I do think I'll be okay financially now. No slack, really, but enough to get my wee house paid for in a year or so, and maybe at 70 (3 years on) I can either retire or just cut back to PT if the business survives.
This is truly a relief, and I'm truly grateful it happened.
Spending a lonesome pre-Tgiving evening but that is softened every time I think about what makes me grateful. Despite everything, there is a LOT I'm thankful for. (THIS is my favorite holiday. For some reason, just focusing on gratitude and loving the fact that there's not a load of ritual/expectation to worry about. And I have an invite to friends' tomorrow for an Italian feast, and made caponata without screwing it up to take along...and I just feel lucky.)
Happy Thanksgiving, Yanks! (And to our Tupp or any non-U.S. lurkers, warm wishes to you, too.)
love to all,
Hops
Yay!! Oh Hops, I'm so happy for you! What a big relief to know that finances are in line again. Huge weight off your shoulders yay!
Enjoy your Thanksgiving (and thank you for the warm wishes, too - in the UK people mostly spend this time moaning that they're already fed up with Christmas :) ). I have no idea what caponata is but I'm trusting it's something delicious and I'm glad it turned out well :) Lots of love
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Hops, I'm so glad to hear your happy news! I'm sure that's a relief to know you'll be able to own your home outright. That's a form of self-achieved security, right there and a huge victory after what it took to get there.
I woke up thinking, that for "us"... Thanksgiving is the holiday that's perfectly tailored to our experiences. It's all about the gratitude - small & large. I was invited up to B'more for Matt's family's shindig and I like those people, and it sounds like fun - but now that I'm close to my old stomping grounds, my friend can come hang out for an afternoon and she brought me some cold germs. I could still make there by dark, depending on how I feel when I'm completely awake. But Sunday, is ANOTHER, less "festive" occasion so....... decisions.
About your boss... just MAYBE, you are the perfect person to "make" an opportunity for the boss to put herself together, and really make a go of the business. Your famous compassion might have just lowered the emotional risks and scariness enough for her to relax. Ditziness is often a reaction to the perception that more is being expected/demanded in the situation than a person can summon up "on command". Or maybe it's just the "degree" of it - that gets lowered enough to be manageable.
That may or may not actually be the case, but I could see a bit how that might work out well for both of you, as long as you also maintain the appropriate boundaries.
Happy Gratitude Day, everyone!
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I'm trying to be patient and I am kind.
Sometimes I do get frustrated...her childlike texts
sent AFTER she's supposed to be at a meeting,
full of excuses...drive me up the wawl.
I just want to say, please don't stop to type
me silly updates...use that energy to get to
your CAR! But I don't. I know she is coping with
a whole lot with as much grace as she can.
And I'm dragging her to our first mutual meeting
with the SCORE mentors tomorrow, which she'd
resisted a ton. So that's a relief, she's agreed to go.
Business is building, lots of detailed dialogues with
materials suppliers as we design our prototypes,
and pretty soon we'll have some in production.
Saw a guy about an e-commerce site build today.
Working on improving her ads which are not serving
her business well. We've planned a big sale for Dec.
Sometimes I react badly to the dungeony office but
I do get out. And they're flexible about those things,
way different from the former place where Nboss
sabotaged people's attempts to do self care.
All in all it's still odd as heck, but mostly interesting.
I really like the process of creating something new
where I can contribute so much. If she manages
the loans and the money works, well, it could
make retirement easier.
Just in case it's doomed, however, my plan is to
frugal my little butt to bits while I'm FT, as long as
that lasts. House paid off, emergency fund replenished,
savings set aside for replacement vehicle and HVAC.
Once I meet those milestones I'll feel that home is
secure for the duration. And I'll invest what's left.
And still hope to take a trip with a cool companion
at some point.
Some of this may work out or not, but either way,
I'm beginning to feel fortunate in my life again.
AND...I'm debating whether to sign up for a novel
workshop. Intensive, big commitment of time and
money, but that focus and support might be just
what I need to bring my own creative work alive
again while I'm still young enough to do it.
Have to apply by Dec. 2 and it'll cost two grand.
But I've been thinking about it seriously.
xo
Hops
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Well, if that doesn't sound like a full and fulfilling life... I dunno what does. I do believe that you've landed on your feet Hops. Just remember that you can be friendly with the boss, but being actual "friends" muddies up those boundaries, when it comes to professional decisions sometime in the unknown future.
Maybe you can think about a little bit of garden this year? Favorite veggies and some pretties too?
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Thanks, Amber!
Right now it's all I can do to water two "winter" plants on the porch.
And if in addition to the 40hour FT week I manage to do the novel workshop (about 4 meetings/month for which one must PRODUCE)...I'll be lucky to stagger to bed at night.
Gardening's far off. BUT...if I can hold all these things together at nearly-67 until spring...maybe very very modest gardening plans could happen too.
Did I mention I'm doing PT for my back for 3 weeks and then starting a workout thing, starting with two sessions with a trainer who's actually attended my first PT session and will also attend my last for him to give her precise, extremely gradual exercise instructions for my fitness plan?
Every one of these things means structure, showing up, discipline...and PROGRESS, which I had pretty much abandoned in the 4 years since moving here and (essentially) losing my daughter. All of that = TIME. Not to escape, watch Hulu, or stay in bed all weekend depressed, but actually up, alive, doing something. New stuff.
It's a lot at once, and I might be biting off more than I can chew. But I'm tempted. Doing a phone appt with my T tomorrow to decide about whether to submit my app for the novel workshop, for which the deadline is Dec. 2.
A little overwhelming to be thinking of ALL these new disciplines starting up nearly simultaneously. But at the same time, it feels a lot like it could be coming back to life after a long time dead. He'll help me work through the biggest time-decision, which is the novel workshop. Very intensive and structured. But it'd put me face-first back into my own dreams and purpose for living.
He may also advise me to defer it, which could be realistic, given ADD, work, fatigue, health, age. Then again, screw all that? Maybe?
Will report back!
love,
Hops
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Hops it all sounds like a big and positive shift, I'm so happy for you. It's amazing what can be achieved under pressure sometimes and it's pretty incredible that you've got all these irons in the fire. Keep us posted with what's happening, I hope all flows in the right direction :)
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The only downside I can see - from someone who famously bites off more than she can chew, and somehow plows through it all (albeit NOT gracefully) - again, the only thing I see, is something I would do to myself, which is make the novel workshop the least important priority... fill in all the space around it with other stuff I've ALREADY committed to... and then sabotage myself over that one goal.
That said, there is absolutely NO reason us women of a "certain age" have to stagnate, have no energy or dreams to fulfill, or even things we like to take care of and experiment with. Complete and total change of routines/scenery/environment has one oft-overlooked advantage to easing into it... and that is there is no denying the "have tos" right in front of you; or the challenge you've given yourself OR the constant asking yourself of "how bad do you really WANT this?"
It's kinda the "stuff of life" really; the life force; to allow yourself to be in those situations and to "wing it". Remember: plans are what we make until LIFE happens. What you're organizing there, is a direct engagement with life and all the unknowable repercussions and echoes of very clearly hollaring: HEEELLLLLLLLOOOooooooo out there. Sometimes the response that comes back to you is way more than you bargained for. LOL.
Stick to your defined list of goals and don't let yourself get distracted, and it should be a wild, but safe ride, Hops.
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Oh thank you both!
Those posts were exactly what I needed to hear.
SUCH trusted voices.
Gotta dash to a meeting ("covenant group") but wanted to tell you my T convo on the phone was really helpful AND he pointed out (I'd sent him the workshop info) that right now (until Dec. 22 when the instructor chooses his workshop participants)...all I risk is $100 (a nonrefundable deposit...he will be reviewing an 8-page sample).
Then I was poleaxed with fear that during the move I'd lost my precious, completed, Chapter One. And when I got home tonight I tore into the Scary Room (home office/study) and went right to it. All ready to photocopy and mail in for the deadline tomorrow.
Seemed like a sign, whether it is or not. I'm definitely plunking down the deposit and sending it all in. We'll see what happens.
Thank you again so much for the courage.
xo
Hops
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My whole house, the garages and studio are like that "scary room" Hops. I'm SOOO glad a past you, was thinking of the "now" you, and did you a favor; took care of you. I've had a couple of those moments in the past month... and it seems in this new place, I'm using this made-up concept of "taking care of tomorrow's, or next year's, or whatever future me" a lot more.
It's helping me deal with the unfamiliarity of my space; the inevitable clutter & mess; and still staying on top of the "official business" related to moving - learning all the new house systems, state requirements, etc. One thing I don't think is going to follow me in the mail are my seed catalogs. Need to write that down somewhere. Writing it down, means I can let go of it in my head, which means it's not so full to bursting all the time... LOL.
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Whoo hoo, Hops!
Full time, just what you needed, perhaps not wanted, but such a relief.
And new advertising and products about to come online...... of course that's happening now.
You have skills and disciplines your boss can't, and she has opportunities and something special that put her in this business to begin with. It's an interesting match with much potential for all.... very exciting.
::clapping with delight::
I do see you writing, Hops. I do see you taking the class, even if the plan shifts to next year. It can still be right on time with so much on your plate.
Maybe tackling that scary room, or tweaking that first chapter and outline, or building the company to a certain point needs to happen first? Whatever happens, it's going to be OK.
I think I mentioned neuro touch Feldenkrais and the Anat Baniel Method on another thread......
http://www.anatbanielmethod.com/about-abm/more-about-the-method
All the Anat CD's are on sale right now for the holidays.... huge discounts...... a practitioner could show you how to do the movements correctly in a week or so, and it might actually correct the things that cause your symptoms. If that means you don't have to spend time and money treating symptoms it might be less expensive, and life changing. It has been for my youngest child.
It's going to be interesting to see where the company goes now that you're there 40 hours a week.
Congrats, Hops. You deserve this. You've earned it.
Lighter
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Jeez, guys.
My ditsy boss just realized she doesn't have the money for the expansion after all, panicked and pulled the plug on the entire project (including me). She had been paying me PT completely (and foolishly) on credit and then her next application for a business loan was denied. Kaput.
I wasn't expecting it, feeling shock. Worry will sink in later. Right now...bourbon is sinking in.
Come to my pity party?
Hops
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Oh dear, Hops. I'm in shock with you. It's not what I expected to happen. Not what should have happened.... I'm so sorry.
It means another door will open, but.....
damn.
It's a jolt.
(((((Hops))))))
It's going to be OK.... even when we can't see how it's going to be OK.
I so did not see that coming either.
Light
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Hi Hops,
I am so sorry to hear the news. Knowing your skills/talents from your “work” on this Board, I’m sure you’ll find a new job soon. But I know how scary it is. Thinking of you,
Richard
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Thank you, Lighter. It feels unfortunately familiar--not the people, but the sense of fear and dislocation.
Not toxic like the old job (it was only 3-4 months), but just as though someone was playing with her business,
and got tired of the effort. And ran out of $$ and hadn't been completely upfront about how precarious the whole
enterprise was. Considering what I observed and what her daughter would describe over these few months, and all
that she was focused on that had no relation to work, I think it's a marvel that she isn't in worse shape
than she is. But all was cordial.
And thank you, Doc G. At near-67 I don't feel "sure" or expect "soon" but I'm glad you feel that way!
I will rally, and faster. And if I absolutely have to, I can go on SS and scrape by. I'm trying my hardest
not to do that until 70, because it makes a significant difference in the amount for life if you can hold out.
But it may be necessary and so be it if so.
I guess my next work-related thread will have to be NOT-NEW Job Stories! (Hope it really doesn't wind up
plural, but who knows).
Hugs
Hops
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And today was sunny and lovely and this is also what happened:
--last night a good friend brought over burritos
--this board was here to vent to, as always (bless Doc G and all of you!)
--today I had my mediation class with close friends
--another called and is taking me to dinner tonight
--a neighbor is taking me to a movie after that
--friends not here have emailed
--My yard got cleaned up and things trimmed and mulched
--the friend who's so $mart about finance, is coaching me through my options Monday
(Of course I only GET all that support because I howl and reach out and squawk when
I need it, and have built my community of support so painstakingly. This is when the
group experience truly pays off--patiently joining and listening and sitting and sharing
year over year means even with No Family, you can wind up with a Big Phamily.)
The meditation class (watching a Great Courses DVD series)
was ALL about impermanence, and so well taught by a brilliant
and humorous professor. And in my friend's gorgeous home where
I always feel welcome and relaxed.
I don't really have to freak out about this. I don't think I'm going to.
One step at a time, job-apps can start Monday.
Thank you, all of you, for wading through so many of my stories.
love,
Hops
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I dunno.
I feel a bit as though my "high" of happiness yesterday was a little manic.
Or even narcissistic because it was CLEARLY because I was getting love and attention.
Something about it felt...I dunno.
Maybe I'm just steeling myself for pain to come, now that the shock is wearing off.
Feel mixed up again.
Hops
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Hops I am completely at a loss for words. I'm shocked/astonished/horrified that what seemed like such a good and doable thing has turned out not to be (and so suddenly as well - I know it wasn't perfect but it sounded like it would have been tolerable).
I completely understand the 'manic' leap to action that happens after a shock like that. It's how I react always to disturbing or difficult situations - I go into sort of mega resourceful "I can cope" mode - which does then wear off as reality sets in and the dust starts to settle. I always assume with me it's the adrenalin kicking in - fight or flight, and it makes us leap into action. I am really glad that you have got that Phamily around you, though, and that they did all jump in to help. I don't think there's anything narcissistic about love and attention feeling good - it always feels good and times like this are when good, supportive people really come into their own. I'm glad they were there for you, real 3D gooduns, doing good things.
But I am really sorry things have turned out this way and it makes me wonder why 'bad things happen to good people'. If anyone deserved a break with this it was you and I'm really sorry it's not turned out like that. I really hope it means there's something better coming up but I know only too well how hard it is to cope with the not knowing and the effort it takes to start slogging through the same process all over again.
I've absolutely no practical or useful advice for you but can only say I am rooting for you and really, really hope something else comes up again soon, and I hope you can keep reaching out to the Phamily when you need/want to - and on here, of course.
Thinking of you and keeping everything crossed,
Love Tup xx
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Thanks, (((((Tupp)))).
I slept for about 12 hours and then slept some more, clutching dog.
I think my nervous system just didn't know how to manage this too well,
so I was having some wild mood swings.
It was like, just weeks ago it got the message, "I am SAFE!"
And then Thursday, "Wait, WHAT?"
I am exasperated that this person was so reckless with the truth,
but also realize that being delusional isn't exactly something she planned.
And I could spend ages being annoyed or whatever, or I could just reinterpret it:
I had no job, I found an interesting one and enjoyed it for 3 months PT and 2 weeks
FT, and that was better than having no income at all during those months.
My goal is still to forestall drawing down SS before I'm 70 and that's a little over
3 years from now. So maybe it would be more realistic for me to tell myself,
you're going to do a whole series of PT/one-off and/or freelance things, because
that's just the nature of employment at this age.
And stay open to things, keep looking, and not let fears take over. It also could
be interesting.
Thanks for the absolution and encouragement, Tupp, I always need both.
(Plus the last push on the mortgage, dammit. It's really very small but it
looms large to me.)
Hugs
Hops
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Aw Hops I do feel for you, I've had so many times when things haven't worked out despite the fact I've worked my tinies off (and we're raised on that work mantra, aren't we, work hard and do your best and it will all be okay, and sometimes it just isn't despite the fact that you've put in 110 % effort). It takes so much energy to pick yourself up and dust yourself off to start again and yes, I recognise that nervous system shut down when going to bed is the only option. I'd forgotten you had your lovely pooch, though! Pets are so amazing to have around. I do really admire the way you look for the positives, refuse to let anger and resentment take up too much space (because it is soooo annoying when we suffer in some way because of someone else's situation) and I really do hope that enough part time/freelance/agency or whatever it is comes along to keep you ticking over. Glad you have the pooch there to keep you company, I am typing this with the cat stretched out on the table with her head resting in the crook of my elbow (looks very uncomfortable for her as her head's bobbing up and down while I type but she seems to like it!).
Lots of love to you,
Tup xx
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Ahhhh, I don't understand how recent old boss made it in business this long if she's so incompetent. IS she that incompetent or is this just a phase? Did she have a better work ethic at one time? WILL it come again, do'ya think? If so, do you see any possible benefit to you in considering a partnership?
Would you consider taking a percentage of the company in exchange for implementing your program to grow the business? This is your wheelhouse.
THIS is a chance for you and someone N boss cheated to build something that lifts you both up, and offers some measure of karmic justice?
Or not?
In any case it bothers me very much when you're able to carry out your plans. This seemed so right...... in so many ways.
I don't know what business this is, frankly. Maybe I'm way off base here, but it seems like investing in yourself, and your abilities could be an option? Can you implement the plan without a loan? WILL it pay off and justify investment in the company if possible?
What I do know is that you're an enduring, supportive presence on this forum, and your 3D friends are lucky to be a part of your life. It's comforting to know you're able to ask for help, and willing to accept it. You're worthy of care, Hops. You're a good friend.
(((((Hops))))))
Hear, hear to living sans fear. All will be well. Even if it feels like things are going sideways..... it's going to be OK.
Lighter
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Hi Lighter,
I wouldn't consider any form of partnership as her irresponsibility runs deep. She is not well grounded in reality so, imo, would be unsafe to rely on even in small ways. (She does not keep her word--daily she would commit to being somewhere or reviewing something the next day and--this is not an exaggeration--14 times out of 15 it was completely meaningless.) She was able to run a retail shop for a long time, and with help from her mother to purchase the building...so now she has that rental income. She's okay but perhaps was enabled over her lifetime--and with the change she's going through her own executive function problems have increased, I believe.
At any rate, her mind's on her transition and she literally doesn't want to work (said so to me, very confusingly, after months of enthusiastic talk). I think finally recognizing that as owner/CEO she really would have to engage for us to pull it off turned her off, plus she wasn't in reality about the potential for financing. She had asked me if I would go to the bank and present my skills/experience to support her application and I'd said happy to, when? No followup, no answer. They may have shut her down completely but she wasn't fully transparent with me about all that. She found being present in the process a very unwelcome distraction. It was pulling teeth to get her to be involved an hour or two a few days a week. She's just not engaged and the expansion was a fantasy. I enjoyed her and it while it lasted, but the whole thing wasn't to be.
You're right that it WAS positive for us to share our old Nboss stories--he really damaged both of us. But I wouldn't want to stay focused on that history anyway.
There is no program though thanks for crediting me for what I got done (a lot). It requires money for materials, development of an ecommerce site, production costs, shipping...all of it. I do not have money with which to build or invest in a business, and have no interest in debt (I'm down to a small mortgage balance only and it's better for me given my ADD and math challenges to avoid anything financially complex) so new work will have to be dependent on my writing/editing experience. Not business and not startups. (Unless they straight-up need a writer/editor, then I'm game.)
Anyway, I don't know what I'll do next but am open to discovery. And just now, trying mostly to stay calm. There's just no point in panic so I'm trying to use acceptance and being as present as I can, to chase off the fear thinking. But it's difficult.
Today I needed to spend hours updating my expenses spreadsheet but suddenly found it overwhelmingly important to clean the kitchen and bake cookies. Thoughts of my Dad help. And the presence of my dog who really doesn't have any interest in retirement calculations.
Thanks for the support, Lighter.
Hops
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Well..... it was a nice distraction while it lasted.
So it'll be writing.
Somehow....
writing.
It's one of your gifts. You should use it. You will use it.
Lighter
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Hopsy - just now seeing all this. I'm so sorry you find yourself back to square one again.
You've likely already done the inventory of all your employment "assets" to offer someone. That's one thing you DON'T have to do. Have you tried visualizing what your ideal job would be? As long as you remember, that in reality nothing is going to be ideal - you may only find something that hits a majority percentage of all the aspects you want - it's perfectly OK to let your imagination explore this because you'll discover more of what is really important to you. That kind of thing changes for us over time.
That inventory includes things like stability, profitable (even if it's a struggle and "work"), honesty in communications, professionalism, informality, etc.
As far as your coping methods - well dear, I've decided there's an extremely thin line between compassion for ourselves and self-pity. And that sometimes the self-pity is damn well justified - as long as it doesn't become a habit. Sometimes life just SUCKS. Sometimes we trust people, in hopes that they are as worthy as they appear... and whatever their personal situation is, they let us down anyway. But it's important to keep trusting. The old cliche: Trust, but verify is applicable here even though it feels cold & calculating. It what we have to do to protect and defend ourselves, while we're reaching out to new people and situations.
Just like all the debt Mike brought to the marriage that he was too ashamed to tell me. If I hadn't been over the moon about him, I would've asked pointed questions FIRST about the "business" side of the relationship. But I didn't; and I'm just lucky it turned out OK. (And he DID get a lot better over time, when he found out I wouldn't constantly give him grief over the past.)
I think you're going to be fine after this latest trust-wound heals Hops. Look how much you've learned about what you really want already! And the fact that you could bounce back and be hopeful for a day - even if it didn't last - doesn't mean you're confused necessarily or having mood swings. It means you're trying on a new way of coping with the inevitable crap that life sends our way from time to time. It doesn't last because there is still a lot scary reality that has to fall into place -- and I hear you loud and clear caring about your "plan" -- and finding the requirements to make the plan reality.
That matters more than anything else right now. So, grasshopper... you have come a long, long way and this new turn of events isn't nearly the mountain that it would've been years ago. Detours often let us discover the most interesting things! ;)
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Thank you, Amber.
This was such a perceptive and supportive message...I really appreciate it.
Put in an app for an editing job that's perfect for me at the local U...then again, I haven't even gotten a nibble for TEMP jobs there. I have to go "here I am, yes I'm 66, interview me anyway!" in my head.
When I am entirely straightforward about the exhaustive application process there, I have to fill out every single date (including graduation dates) throughout my career. There is simply no pretending I'm not the age I am. And though I can't prove it, it's truly illogical that I haven't gotten a single interview at the U in the last year.
I don't know what to conclude except for the dreaded "overqualified" excuse. But it's maddening.
Going to apply for another editorial job...at a finance institution, ironically. Loathe the idea but it might work the same way as medical/health editing did...not the deeply technical stuff, but I got quite good at writing clearly about the subject because I had to research until it melted into mainstream accessibility. Then I got quite good at translating medical info for mainstream readers.
We'll see. I'm being plucky about it. And I've signed up for a local novel writing workshop because that will keep me believing there's a reason to live. (Dramatic but true.)
Love,
Hops
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Hopsie I really do admire your stoicism. This would have floored so many people and had them throw that retirement plan out of the window but you've dusted yourself off and got on with it. I think we often find we are much stronger than we realise, uncomfortable though it is along the way.
The 'ageism' thing is something that is so very wrong in both our societies, I think. I can't imagine how much experience, knowledge, compassion and learning you can bring to any job you undertake, yet I can understand completely what you mean about not getting interviews (only because I hear the same thing over here and I know from experience that young and recently trained/qualified means cheaper and sadly that's what a lot of people value). I am keeping everything crossed that someone with a bit more sense will cross your path and snap you up immediately.
I am equally crossing things in the hope that the novel writing workshop is going to be fabulous! Bravo for doing something that you've longed to do; that alone will be amazing, I think. But I'm also hoping it may bring you into contact with useful/helpful people and may even bring forth a novel in three months flat and one of those 'out of the water' publishing deals that you read about sometimes. Wouldn't that be amazing?
Keep on keeping on, my friend. You are truly incredible.
Love Tup x
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Is the writing class feeling......
a tad exciting?
Maybe a little like charting an unexpected course in unfamiliar waters without expectation? Scary, but a bit exhilarating too?
::nodding::
I hope so.
My prayer will be that you find your path, and safe space.
Your resilience and resourcefulness will rise with you.
Lighter
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Thank you Tupp and Lighter.
You two just made this cold lonesome winter night feel less so!
I'm in the same situation I was before, but with less time to waste, I feel. So I'm focusing on jobs sooner than I did last time when I was so wrung out from the end of that long bad job. This one hasn't created the emotional damage and there's no toxic hangover. She wasn't a cruel person. Self absorbed and flighty, but not an N. She's written me several nice emails since my last day, wanting to assure me of her regrets and of how valuable I was to the business. (I think wanting also to assure herself, because I was a little blunt with her that day. She knew I wasn't mean either though, and she gave me an extra week's pay. Fair enough after just a few months.)
The novel workshop is to re-start the book and connect me to the one thing that is my purpose that I can still connect to. Or in honesty, I'm re-connecting to it after many years of setting it aside for elder care, family collapse, the toxic job and all the rest. I never stopped dreaming about doing it, and the recent death of a friend my age was a wake-up call.
I also decided to listen to my T who's been urging me to Just Do It. Make time for it instead of wasting my time on escape. I've heard it over and over but this time, I was ready to listen. I take in my registration fee tomorrow and the writer/instructor has approved my manuscript I had to provide. I'm truly looking forward to it. Regardless of what happens financially, I am still that person who wrote with a sense of deep aliveness and joy for so long...until family and Nboss made me feel I had no more strength to fight for myself.
I may not have enough strength now, but I will do it anyway. It's one of those things. Whether or not I write this book is really answering the question of whether or not my life has any purpose. Being a mother was my main purpose for a long time, and that's been removed. Then I was walking dead for several years, grief left nothing to put into the book. I'm changed but I've also healed a great deal, so now is the time to start again.
To my surprise the decision has calmed me. Yes, I still have to cope, and worry, and find work. But even if it's an hour or two a day, I also can write.
My T supported me in deciding to spend that money on the workshop. I also am hiring two sessions with a lovely office organizer lady. She's going to spend time in the Scary Room with me...and by the time we're done, it's going to be the lovely Writing Room it was always intended to be.
What I used to say to my T, over and over during the recent years of grief over my D, was that I had lost interest in my own life. Suddenly...not in an exciting way exactly, but in a sense of renewed purpose, I am interested again. It's slow and not dramatic, but it feels real.
Thank you guys, so much, for caring and commenting.
We've got that polar vortex cold going on, so the night feels very cold and your voices are really precious to me when I'm alone. And I'm doing okay. I've tried to make a resolution to see one friend every day, even just for coffee, if I can. Helps me get through winter. And who knows? Maybe I'll find more friends in the writing group.
It's going to challenge me in a way I am eager to be challenged. Working on my own words, my own text, my own story. Making it as good as I can. And I'll be good with that. A friend wrote me something about "recognition" and I told her that was way way way down my priority list. It's the doing of it and at some point, the completing, that brings fulfillment. The rest can come later.
love,
Hops
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'morning Hops - next shift just showed up! LOL.
I'm not able to stay awake for very long after dark here, unless I'm having another session of "letting the grief be" which is part of the bargain to be able to re-start my own life. Fortunately it doesn't consume a lot of time, this far down the road. But of course, the "big city" I'm close to is where Mike & I spent so many years together. That has an impact, whether I'm rationally admitting that on any given day or not.
The higher ed application got me thinking. Yes, it's been some years now that I've been out of it... but maybe I can kind of explain what's going on. It would seem logical for schools to lean heavily on the experienced professionals; the ones who've seen just about everything - after all, isn't "transfer of knowledge" and "professionalism" what colleges are all about? And in truth, the campus does offer a lot of opportunities regardless of an individual's particulars - but there is a strong network of "who you know" that exists too. Even if it's just a fellow classmate in a zumba class.
The other thing that happens frequently, is they like to toot their own horn, by making a position or giving a position to a student/former student but they are required to advertise the position, by the EEOC. They'll lose their federal dollars otherwise. And the regional accrediting agencies support this process a bit too. But what people miss by keeping the gates so firmly closed to the "outside world", inside those "ivory towers"... is fresh talent, new perspective, creativity and energy. And EXPERIENCE.
Experience and actual hands-on knowledge is anathema to some ways of thinking on campus. They often mistake clueless enthusiasm and masterful BS for creativity and potential. This is a problem that crops up when a campus is a "world unto itself" and has lost touch with "what works" outside of it.
So, my advice if you're really looking to get into that world - which does provide a LOT of security, btw - is dig through the lists of faculty and employees. Spend time in the campus library (maybe researching for your book?). Who do you already know and how? Who can you meet through your "travels" socially right now? Having at least one reference who already works there, is an "edge" to your application. Is there anyone who's run across your work in the past? Where are the "connections" that you can "leverage" to at least get an interview?
Perhaps there's even a position in the library that's part-time to get your foot in the door and start learning the "lay of the land" about who are the "movers & shakers" in that community. It's a really fun work environment and offers a whole lot of support in the form of "community" too that you would fit right into. It has it's downsides and I'll warn you now: some of the hugest egos I've ever seen were in higher ed. Less so, than in a scientific community - but higher ed attracts more than it's share of kooks and weirdos and PDs.
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Hi Amber,
Check, check, check!
I know the U. climate very well, and have networked as best I can.
Once you're gone for a decade+ though, it is tricky to get back in.
I'm familiar with the posting-but-not-meaning-it game, the who-you-know
game, and all the rest. But I am convinced now, also, that ageism is quite
active there too. I have reached out to those I can...have signed up for
every automatic alert for jobs there that I can. But I'm not optimistic.
I spent 11 years in several different university staff positions and that
bureaucracy and those politics are unpleasantly familiar. The overall
intellectual climate was positive, but what I learned as a child about a
professor's life (my Dad founded a department and was a professor,
chairman, and dean)...just doesn't apply to most staff positions, ime.
I can't focus on getting THERE as my goal, since realistically, I will
probably have to take any sort of job I can get. Since the U is relatively
impenetrable, I may have better luck in the private sector. I've earned
more and advanced more out of the academic system than within it.
One thing I'm going to consider to counter some of the ageism concerns
is to personally visit several interesting businesses and introduce myself.
Despite my white hair my face and energy appear fairly young, so that
may offset it somewhat if I can meet someone in person. The old
"interviewing for information" approach--making a contact without
asking for employment--might work again. (That was how I got the
surprise FT offer at a publisher, which kickstarted that side of my career.)
Often, too, startups are open minded. We'll see, but my strategy now
is to have no strategy other than openness and imaginative ideas. I'm
even considering being a limo driver, as my friend who died did that
and enjoyed it a lot. (Commutes from here to a major airport, and
the traveling folks tended to tip her very nicely.)
hugs
Hops
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Significant anxiety today. I know why:
--on Saturdays the isolation of being alone hits hardest. A holiday period Saturday especially. I have decided not to return to church until after Xmas because the "happy holiday families" scene there triggers grief--too many memories of sitting there with my D cuddling close. So that means I don't have tomorrow to look forward to to break the cycle. I will ask myself again in the morning whether I should go anyway. Maybe better to accept the sadness than cope with panic.
--it affects me with chest pain, shortness of breath, which feed off each other. Nothing major (and it's a very familiar pattern)--but I find it hard to control the anxious thoughts when my body is doing that.
--I've called a friend, which helped during. Most friends are preoccupied with family.
--I'm hunkered down watching shows, which is escapist but I feel paralysed and unable to tackle productive household things.
--It's bitter cold here so I'm not motivated to go out.
--Fears about unemployment rise and calm. Today...rise.
That's it...just wanted to offer it out there.
Thanks for being here to write to.
love,
Hops
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Hops I can only say I hear everything you're saying and experience similar myself, particularly the escapism via TV or the internet. And yes, this time of year when 'families' seem to be all around and it's all so in your face is just so, so difficult, particularly if there isn't something else going on to distract you in a positive way. There are times I avoid connecting with people because I don't feel strong enough to cope with the difficult feelings that may arise and given this shock over your job on top of everything else at the mo I think a bit of time snuggled on the sofa with your pooch and a bit of escapism on the telly is just what the doctor ordered. I do know in myself I seem to have a thing where I feel I ought to be able to cope magnificently with anything life throws at me and it is unrealistic. We all need a bit of downtime and a bit of recovery time (and with panic attacks I think your body purposely slows everything down to give your system time to recover). What I find difficult about it is that the loneliness is hard to hide from when you're resting - if I slow down physically my emotions have a chance to catch up with me, and then that's why I think the telly helps, it just takes the edge of things a bit.
I'm with you in spirit, Hopsie, sitting on the sofa with you watching old films, making you hot chocolate, keeping your blankets fluffed up and keeping you company until this spell passes.
((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))
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Hi (((Hops)))
I wish there was some way to escape the rise and fall of panic in difficult times, but alas.... I haven't found it.
We bob around like corks on rough seas, and try to remember it will pass. We'll be engaged again in meaningful productive satisfying moments again.... we just need to ride out temporary storm, and harbor will find us again.
Safe harbor is only safe bc of the storms... the yin and yang of being alive.
In the meantime sink into your safe space. Being paralyzed can include feeling gratitude for a clean blanket with a lovely cup of coffee, tea or coco can't it? Gratitude for clean and clear space created with the organizer. Down time is best when we have it sans guilt, IME. Remember...... guilt sucks.
BTW hiring that organization gal is a super idea, IMO. You'll have so much time and energy with that kind of help zooming you through what might otherwise never get ironed out completely. It's resistance we can accept, and work around IME... we don't have to overcome what we just don't have the tools to overcome, IME. Identifying our need for help makes it possible to ask for and receive it.
I'm picturing you dancing on a sunny clear floor in the scary room. You'll likely have a burst of fresh energy, creativity, and resolve once some progress is made..... even if it's not, this too shall pass.
I have a roomful of scary files to deal with very soon, btw.
::shudder::
It'll be OK.
For both of us, ((Hops))).
Lighter
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Hops: do what you think you have to... and do NOT give a rat's patootie what any little voice in your head tells you about what they think about it. Tell it to... <expletive deleted>.
THEN, pick one thing to do that is Christmas-y and just go do one thing. Doesn't HAVE to involve groups of people. Maybe go for a stroll in a historic shopping district and window shop? And do it all flying the defiant, self-reliant, flag of the solitary female pirate of life...
just for one afternoon. Then, crawl back under the blanket, gather up the pooch, make some popcorn and watch another movie.
Me, I'm going to back to trying to make up lame excuses why I can't go have Christmas with Holly & Matt, and his family. And why I deserve this self-imposed penance of solitude... and risk offending these nice people who've invited me more than ONCE; risk sending the message that I don't like them or don't want to be around them. All because I'm afraid I'm going to be the one "downer" in their midst... and ruin their holiday...
Like I'm able to do that to their feelings.
<crawling back under my own blanket now......>