Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on January 25, 2017, 10:46:07 PM
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You may not believe me, but it's true...I am working for an N again and actually think it's destiny (or I am wearing a special magNet). But this time, at least so far...it's okay!
He's not all bad (a clueless rather than malevolent N, just spoiled and deeply self-absorbed). And, he's not my parent, he's 92 and I am grateful for the work. But seeing him go through such confusion over why three previous people kind of dumped him (after knocking themselves out to help him prepare for a surgery)...has been revelatory. A very very familiar revelation, if you know what I mean.
SO many moments with Ns I've known when the actual puzzlement shows. An actual bewilderment over what is annoying others...just having zero clue about their own tone, or assumptions, or especially10 the biggest clue of all, the entitlement. The significant thing to me is I detect underneath that (in some, approachable or vulnerable Ns, which any human can be in their 90s)...a sorrow. And I can have compassion for that. While keeping up the boundaries.
I first met him about 10-12 years ago at church...he's VERY charming (was) and smart and full of incredible stories. Retired journalist, world traveled. He was also handsome. But I had one excursion with him to see some sheep dog trials and we were together for 5 hours and I knew immediately. Nope, not gonna even try to be friends with this particular gent (not that I was really thinking of him that way due to the age gap). He talked about himself the entire time, didn't ask me a sole personal question...classic kind of thiNg. I reminded him of that afternoon and he remembered my "back seat driving." He was a terrible, frighteningly bad driver and that was the OTHER reason I never built a friendship afterward...didn't want to battle about that. Was on a committee with him and we always greeted each other pleasantly though.
Anyway, after a rough couple days during which he fumed (about his other friends' abandonment) and showed a lot of resentment about my presence, he finally asked me exactly how it came about, and I told him the truth. His main friend (and PoA--he has no family) is ill himself, spent countless hours helping him arrange his complicated estate, then an interminable 9-hour stretch that nearly did the friend in. So he's backed way way off and is just fed up. I didn't put it quite that bluntly but, classically, when I told him how unwell and exhausted his friend was...he had not a word to say about that.
But now he's being quite nice to me. And he's paying me well, which keeps things nice and clear. And despite his personality, I actually tolerate it well (it's about 4 hours/day which feels waaaaay better than the FT jobs I was doing...and it's not about computing!). We get along because I know how to soothe an N, and this time, it's helping my life rather than hurting it.
If he ever reverts or becomes nasty, I'm free to quit. I have also made clear to him that I will only work for him as long as we both feel we can work together well. (His PoA told me he just emailed him about how well it's going...). I think it may be largely because he senses he's burned through the others and realizes he really does need my help. Stubborn, though! Egotistical, too. Only child, no kids, etc. But there's also a pride he struggles to cope with and I see how hard it is to let go of control. He has not been gracious about it, the way my Dad was (Dad didn't have an N cell in his body).
Old age is hard and he deals with real pain. When he's on his Rx regimen (including opiates for terrible spinal arthritis) and comfortable, he's pretty pleasant. I don't know what will happen in future but this is working for now (one week). How weird....I decided not to run screaming but see how my N-armor has strengthened. Being the hired and decently PAID help, and only PT, makes it relatively easy. And it's good for me to be forced out of the house every day--that's giving me purpose and helping with depression.
Anyhoo, just wanted to share this odd/ironic turn of events. I'm relieved to have work and do feel my instincts were right. Part-time elder companion care (not hygiene or nursing kinds of service, I can't do that much lifting, bending). But sorting, cooking simple meals (he needs to fatten up before his next procedure) and sitting beside him as he deals with confusing paperwork and computer decisions, kinda thing. And he loves an audience for his stories.
Cinderella got nothin' on us children of Ns! And somehow being around him shows me my growth. I'm not feeling any trauma about it at all. Just doing a good job and being kind (then going home).
hugs
Hops
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LOL... who better to deal with an N than a child of an N? We can see their games & manipulations coming a mile away and have a whole toolkit to a) defend ourselves and b) stop them in their tracks. Do we always get it right? Nope; but that's OK.
Although, I worry sometimes that we're getting a little lazy or sloppy (after all these years) tagging someone an N -- when instead they might simply be very prideful or conceited or vain or even accustomed to power - giving orders and having them carried out - "bossy" and situationally dominating.
This word, description, diagnosis... has gotten popularized lately. I worry that it's being misused, misapplied, and perhaps unfairly "pinned" on some people. Even my mother has found this word and some of the literature for those of us affected by them... and uses it to assure me that my Dad was a prime example. Still - after 50 some years - it's important to her to tear down my opinion of him and reassure herself that she was a victim. (She can't possibly see how desperately needy she is for having someone externally support her own sense of self... LOL.)
But I think she's mixing up self-confidence, being an extrovert and enjoying a social environment, along with determination and persistence and healthy self-esteem/ego - the good kind of sense of self - with Narcississm. Sure, my Dad had his moments of pure N; I think we all do - but we don't live there 365/24/7. It wasn't the sum total of his personality. He was also very thoughtful and generous and surprisely self-deprecating in his more reflective moments.
I'm not a wordsmith at ALL... and since spending so much time alone I can notice that I'm reverting to visual thinking and may not communicate as precisely as I like all the time. I've just noticed that N has hit the "popular wavelength" and all us humans reach for that "quick shorthand categorization" of people to describe them. Sometimes incorrectly and unfairly. Because they simply don't like someone else, won't recognize boundaries between people, or can't abide that someone believes, thinks or feels differently than themselves about something. And then they PROJECT that onto the unsuspecting person.
I dunno. Weird ramble that was prompted by your delight in the irony of your employment with this person Hops. But I DO think it's a measure of how much work you've done and how strong you are now - that you can do this and even enjoy it. I'm trying to do much the same with my mom -- not for her sake mind you, but for MINE. To prove to myself once and for all, that my scar tissue doesn't feel pain - that my weakness healed stronger that it was "before". I'm venturing out into that trust/risk area again - gasp!! by myself!! - and trying to navigate friendship boundaries in a healthier way.
Big test: I have an online friend who lives some ways away, but within a days drive. She lost her husband Mike yesterday morning... and I'm trying to be there for her to lean on, but not be hovering all over her like a mother hen... and not hurt myself in the bargain by getting blindsided/triggered into pulling her grief into me and carrying it for her.
Well - time to put that mindset away. There's a backhoe and a crew of he-men arriving shortly to dig up the place in my driveway where I have a broken pipe to the septic tank. I have to go move the "beast" to give them some more room. Been without "indoor plumbing" since Tuesday in the house; the garage/studio is OK - but I don't have hot or conditioned water out there. The natural state of my water is heavy with iron (which makes me itch) and smells of sulphur. Blech.
I'm gonna go play with the boys. :D
Enjoy this proof of "overcoming" Hops. Maybe he can still regale you with interesting stories - I'm sure it doesn't take much prompting. LOL.
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Wow, Hops, maybe there's a whole new care service out there needing people who understand Ns and who can distance/depersonalise the situation and give care without burning out or expecting the things that most people expect in these situations. It is something I hear a lot with regards to giving care to people. As you say old age can be very hard (and we don't value ageing the way that some cultures do which I think can make it even more difficult) and pain and health problems along with that can be tough for anyone to cope with. Being in a situation where people no longer have to put up with a difficult personality must really show the cracks although, as you say, a real 'N' won't question what they are doing, they'll wonder what's wrong with everybody else!
It sounds like a good deal in terms of hours/pay (and gives you time to work on your novel - maybe even ideas you can weave into it, or something else in the future :) ). And a good opportunity to test those boundaries! Maybe he can learn a little from your patience and understanding, you never know! I've become more interested over the years with the notion that we live more than once and it's made me wonder if I were able to give my mum unconditional love in her later years whether she'd go into her next life with less of a desire to destroy people! Not a theory that I'd like to try out but I find it interesting to think about. Keep us posted with this job, it sounds interesting (and I hope he doesn't drive you nuts :) ) x
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Well, he IS driving me nuts, but I recover quickly once at home, because it's only 3.5-4 hours/day. I imagine caring for him will get more difficult rather than less, and he may recover so well that he lets me go anyway. We've discussed this and I told him I completely understand we're taking it one week at a time, and that I'd be happy for him if he didn't need my help again after recovering from his next procedure.
PR, good reminder not to overuse N without deep reason (I agree it's become a shallow shorthand in media). That said, I believe I'm correct. Happy to alternatively call him deeply entitled, insensitive and lacking empathy, and totally self absorbed. Age and infirmity can bring these out in others, but I've known a lot of very old people and he's a...err...real piece of work. The THREE people it took to placate and please him put in a huge amount of effort for a solid month. His primary friend (retired from Foreign Service) got fed up first and backed away fastest.
So my employer has brought it up several times and when he does, I'm just telling him very briefly what I think. (We're in the same church community so I feel the capacity to share more honestly. AND because I believe I'll find other assignments if this one ends--or I choose to end it.) I told him...(again) his friend had been quite seriously unwell himself. And exhausted (he'd spent a nine-hour stretch one day when he was near falling over from stress). He said, "I need to smooth this over because he's the main person who does X and Z and Z for me." And then he discussed several other people who used to be useful and now are not. ZERO acknowledgement of others' own issues except how they either are/or aren't of service to him. (He's not in pain now--that was only right after discharge when he'd missed a dose.)
He finally asked me for advice. (He had a whole interpretation that was all about being "right" about a situation with that friend. And making the friend...wrong.) I said, well, you can make peace or you can be right, which would you like to do? He said, I need to smooth this over. I said, have you thought about saying, "I'm sorry?" That might be helpful. (This was after a truly nasty, epic, entitled email where he tore everybody--4 people including me--a new one for treating him as someone who can't make all his own decisions. He was infuriated beyond what most folks that age are about the various incremental losses of control. The point is, all his close friends are volunteers who genuinely care/d about him--were all trying madly to HELP, and the only thing he focused on was when someone guessed one of his needs--or non-needs--incorrectly.) After pondering, he said, "But what would I be apologizing FOR?" I said, Your tone, I think. Just your tone.
He also can get a really nasty edge when you displease him. I placed one knife in a different location and he went on about it. And sort of mocked my "tidying up." (I could see how he'd have been as a critical, controlling spouse.) Seriously, I believe he's a full-tilt N. Underneath the former twinkle and charm is someone used to always being kowtowed to. And I ain't. And I'm glad I have a simpler reason for being around him.
I'm still kind to him, deliberately cheerful, and very patient. He does not concede one inch (same as my mother, whom he reminds me of) about anything, and likes to read aloud an INFINITE number of pieces of paper or mail. She used to do that...she would read anything aloud, no matter how trivial, to keep a listener locked on. Difference? Mom got my attention/obedience for 10 years for free. I'm not giving it away to my employer. I am getting paid a good wage, which I need, so for that reason, I can cope. (With Mom, I felt exploited/trapped.)
Tupp, I hear your thoughts about wondering how unconditional love might affect your mother in great old age. I did have that one healing moment with my mother when my pain seemed to register and offend her sense of values about what my brother had done. But on balance, the sacrifice was too deep. It cleaned things up for me but it was a decade of pain to get there. I don't believe I'd do it again.
This job is an interesting challenge and truly may be short-term. Thanks for listening!
hugs
Hops
PS--the other thing is, he's a serious tightwad even though (his PoA told me, though he shouldn't have) he has a couple million. Depression era child, I get it. But he makes it an unpleasant thing for everyone he's tasked with making purchases for him. He'll spend literally hours on the phone to get a small refund of something or other...while also telling me he wants his mountain of paperwork sorted. But I'm not allowed to make a single decision about a tiny piece of paper dated years ago. This is just personality+beginning loss of focus from age, I think.
AND, it makes me look at my own office/paperwork challenge in a more urgent light. I don't want anyone else to have to do that for me!!!!!
PPS- Amber, have fun with the manly men! Sorry about the sewer pipe and the stinky water.
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Hops:
I guess you work with this gentleman until he crosses one boundary too many.
It's a slippery slope, bc he's going to cross boundaries, IME.
Perhaps if you can be assertive as a priority, with kindness a close second, there will be less conflict in the long run?
It's counter intuitive..... esp with people who interpret our asserting ourselves as the only conflict/problem when there's conflict.
I'm glad you can view this without much emotion as you navigate.
Lighter
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Pay no attention to my outburst of pondering over the popularity and usage of that word, Hops. It's part of some inner processing going on, I think. I still think this situation is an excellent "proof" of how well you've healed, how much you understand about the PD in general... and your ability to stand apart from the interpersonal zone where someone like that can truly hurt you.
I had to laugh about the pieces of paper and not being allowed to make any decisions about them. That's what my mom calls: help me sort & get rid of my stuff. The worst part is - she wants ME to take her crap off her hands. (in the frame of reference of an N, that's an interesting twist, n'est-ce pas?) Mike would do that to a degree, too. But with actual reasons. I think this is the quirk where someone uses the items around them to prop up their self-importance... like the King in his counting house nursery rhyme.
A number of my acquaintances are downsizing; "right sizing" their living situations for their interest and ability to maintain it. We're all running across a common observation about "things" -- what we end up knowing for sure we care about/couldn't care less about -- is revealing about changes in who we are or think we are. At the moment, I'm absolutely positive that there is an Aegean stable's worth of stuff between me and some of my art tools. I spent an hour out in the studio looking for a pencil or a pen... and never did find one. Well - lots of colored pencils. That I horrified myself by considering using them for a list.
Perhaps an idea to introduce to your employer - just drop the "seed" and walk away - is that we can never really know ourselves as long as we desperately cling to the myths & legends we tell ourselves about ourselves - and then support with "things" that "prove" we were - are - might've been those myths in reality.
My pair of manly men yesterday seriously dinged my myth of being self-sufficient quite by accident. The younger of the two, insisted that the suggestions he was giving me - all providing back-up options in the event of some future problem with the system that I could plan for down the road - he was offering up because he tries to "look out for people like me". Yeah, a woman alone... at my age...
LOL. Once upon a time I would've been immediately offended... and come back with an "I'll show you...". Now, I think I was just grateful for the kindness involved in him helping me understand the scope of what I'm taking on - and how it can be made more manageable. It's a new experience to perceive being cared about by guys... but in a way that doesn't require me giving up solitude and space... or ask for something in return.
I'm finding this curious, interesting, and I'm not fighting it. It's not quite what I had in mind, when I consider "man shopping" - LOL - but it just might work out fine.
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Wow, Hopsie, you really are incredibly strong and resilient, he drove me nuts just reading what you wrote about him :) Lol, and rang so many bells, not just of childhood stuff but of boyfriends and friends along the way who do that nit picking, snidey comment stuff that's always a little bit slippery and difficult to really get hold of and deal with. I think it was the constant drip, drip, drip of wondering 'is it me, is it them, I think it's me'. It does funny things to your brain, but I do think less so when you can see so clearly that it really is them, not you.
I admire you doing ten years of caring for your mum. Ten years of caring for anyone is hard going but ten years with someone who has not always been kind, shall we say, is a real feat of endurance. I could see myself taking my mum out for coffee once a week or running her to the doctor (if my step dad is dead by then, there's no way I'm going round there if he's about) but that would be as far as it went and realistically I think I'd probably not be able to keep it up for long, however much I like to think I've healed. I just know that in her position I'd have started making plans about ten years ago - move somewhere smaller that's a bit nearer facilities (in case of not being able to drive in the future), get involved in local clubs so the loneliness doesn't get too bad (she prefers to moan about not having visitors), look after my health (she drinks more than she eats) and so on. But I know she hasn't done anything like that and I know she's been busying spending as much money as possible as she assumed my sister would look after her should the time come and that she wouldn't need to pay for care. I think for me it is more of a thought than a reality, lol, although I do genuinely hope she has a tiny moment of realisation at some point that a little bit of effort would have changed a great deal.
Anyway I hope you can cope with this new employer without draining yourself too much and kudos to you for getting on with it; I think many would have run for the door :) x
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Scrap what I said about taking my mum out for coffee one day! I was looking at pictures of my sister's kids on Facebook and my mum had written a whole load of stuff that sent me through the roof! Nothing directed at me, but her usual poor me, what a victim, no-one's ever had it as hard as she has blah blah blah, I nearly bust a gut :) Obviously my thoughts that I would be able to tolerate her in small doses one day are based on the fact that I haven't seen her for ten years and I'd forgotten what a nightmare she is, lol. Hopsie you deserve a medal, you truly do, I am going to keep my fingers crossed that you find a nice somebody that needs a bit of help they are happy to pay for and who will value you for the truly wonderful person that you are :) x
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My employer was feeling energetic today (it's sunny and he slept well) so he decided he only needs me for half the hours. Cut my income in half. I am so clearly the hired help. He refused to set me up as a household employee (Nanny tax issue) so I won't qualify for unemployment if he cans me entirely.
Incredibly self-absorbed person and I don't find it fun. But I do/did need the work and do feel jerked around.
He has a heart procedure in two weeks and is fooling himself, but wants me "on call" yet won't commit to a minimum. Not pleasant.
Grrrrr. Just wanted to vent. Will be looking for other clients.
:(
Hops
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My employer was feeling energetic today (it's sunny and he slept well) so he decided he only needs me for half the hours. Cut my income in half. I am so clearly the hired help. He refused to set me up as a household employee (Nanny tax issue) so I won't qualify for unemployment if he cans me entirely.
Incredibly self-absorbed person and I don't find it fun. But I do/did need the work and do feel jerked around.
He has a heart procedure in two weeks and is fooling himself, but wants me "on call" yet won't commit to a minimum. Not pleasant.
Grrrrr. Just wanted to vent. Will be looking for other clients.
:(
Hops
That sounds very like the zero hours system that we have over here, Hops, it's destroying people. I don't know if you call it the same thing but basically it's working for someone without any assurances on their part of how many hours you work (which of course makes budgeting impossible) and, of course, shows a complete lack of respect for the employee and the work they are putting in. I hope you find someone/something else soon.
Can you pay the tax yourself? I don't know how similar your systems are to ours (and I'm very out of date with our own!). But no safety net is hard to cope with. Rocks and hard places. I'm having a word with the fairy of good fortune, you have had far too much nonsense to deal with and I'm not happy about it xx
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(((Hops)))
Maybe you could charge him a higher rate for ON CALL and reduced hours?
Maybe he'll decide he appreciates you more when his procedure goes through?
I'm sorry it's a struggle. Maybe there's a cool elderly lady or two who would appreciate your company and talents?
You certainly have recent experience.
Lighter
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He's an extreme tightwad so if I charged him more or extra for anything I'm sure he'd can me entirely. It's very odd, given his resources.
I've identified a new issue I'm grappling with. Although I'm minimizing the "hurt" of being around his N-ish stuff (and at times, when everything's going his way and he's feeling well, he can be pleasant)...I've identified something new. It's my problem, not really about him.
I am noticing that a deep-seated, reflexive sense of responsibility for his well being has kicked in. When I'm NOT with him, his three friends with the health care power of attorney will email me questions. Like, how long will his heart procedure take? Mostly, they seem interested in planning their own schedules and limits around being there for him, although I'm sure they care on some level, on another level, they're very disengaged for being legally responsible for someone who is facing a heart procedure at 92. So...I spend a lot of time providing them answers that they could Google for themselves.
I feel guilty about it but I am going to add that time to my daily count, even if I'm not with him at that time.
The more serious issue for me, though, is that I am thinking about his care and situation all the time. Anticipating things the PoA team hasn't even asked about. Such as, what about after his procedure, when he's discharged? If HE doesn't want to pay me for more than two hours per day, but he's weak (which is typical after a week's hospitalization for anyone, and doubly so for someone in their 90s)? Are they assuming I am available, and if so, are they again leaving me on my own to handle his irrational resentment about paying for adequate hours?
I think they are. So I worry and wonder about.
More than that, though, I'm bothered by an emotional side effect of this gig, in that I think about it too much when I'm not there...AND, I'm noticing I'm again not taking care of my own life (or making headway with my own needs, such as paperwork and even, this week, novel writing). This is very troubling to me. But I think I'm noticing the old Cinderella-reflex is being triggered by this job.
It's ideal for me in many ways, as I am instinctively good at it. But if it consumes too much of me or if I can't find a way to repress or release the instinctive over-responsibility I'm feeling...then it may become a negative thing.
I want to manage it, because the hours and flexibility (I can go an hour later than scheduled, for example, and he's fine with that--I just call) are way more comfortable than my locked-in-a-cubicle-with-soul-draining-out-my-ass-while-writing-for-other-people previous positions.
But it'll all be for naught if I emotionally go backward into over-caregiving, if that makes sense.
I feel like the adult in the room with his healthcare power of atty people. I am paid, and they are not. I get that. However, I am also surprised by how incurious they are about preparing for Plans B, etc, if his recovery doesn't go as well as he intends it to. He's 92 and anything could happen, and I don't feel they have thought it through.
Anyway, I'll do the best I can by him but it's very complex because of his combination of furious independence, intelligence, inconsistent judgement, memory loss, and fragility. I have suggested I meet with the three of them, as talking about Plans B would make sense. But it's awkward. I can't insist on anything as the "hired help" but I'm also more experienced and more focused than they seem to be.
Just venting, and again--this is where my own time is going and I need to get a GRIP and take my life in hand.
Thanks for listening,
Hops
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Hops:
From here, it seems like the POAs have you pegged for the caring empath you are.
If they call you in your off hours to ask questions they used to answer themselves.... they're overstepping a boundary, IMO.
Is it possible that your caring demeanor makes it easy for them to shift some of their responsibility to your shoulders..... bc you feel obligated in your heart? You honestly do care, but when does that care infringe on your boundaries and welfare?
I can also see the worst case scenario happening, then everyone runs around like chickens with their heads cut off, perhaps the worst of the lot suggesting you COULD have done more, known better, blah blah... what selfish people do when they've failed, and identify an empath they can point to, and KNOW they'll FEEL responsible, even if they're not.
They have you pegged, and I'd like to see you write a letter to your employer with all your concerns and suggestions... copy the POAs, then go back to what you were doing until they ask you for more.
Cover yourself, know you're a good person willing to stand up and do what's best for your employer, if allowed. You have to come to terms with the fact you're limited by others, IMO.
And this.....
how much better will you feel on the job when you've caught up your papers, and spent quality time working on your novel?
Everything in your life will feel better..... and that's a job you're responsible for too.
Tease out what you can control, and what you can't. Do your best. Let the POAs carry the responsibility they won't allow you to carry for them..... don't let them shift the feeling of responsibility onto you.
It's not fair, and you're such a good person.
Don't lose ground on this, Hops.
Lighter
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Huh. An old coping mechanism falling into place, Hops? Who woulda thought? LOL... you know from my recent posts I have old crap coming up too.
But it is up to you, to push your way past the old ways of "protecting yourself" -- by being better at your job than the POAs are. Ultimately, they are going to make decisions you simply can't - and shouldn't - because your relationship with the old codger is task/hourly based. But it could be they're totally unfamiliar with ill/geriatric people... and what the whole "end of life" realm is all about. I think you are within your boundary to ask them about that. And have a list of things prepared, that they probably want to discuss among themselves - you can stay out of it; they should be asking his medical team questions and preparing "Plan B" - and then you're only a person helping implement that plan.
I do understand how it can make a person frustrated beyond belief at the sheer ignorance of some people of areas of knowledge we're familiar with; how they don't seem to look at the whole scope of a situation - nor even understand cause & effect. They might be going through a bit of denial about his age, chances of survival, and ability to bounce back after surgery. I have a hard time with people who only look at the present moment that's in front of them - and never understand "how they got here" nor where the situation is going.
It as it's a perceptual sense that some of us are born with. Though lately, I'm thinking it's more like some kind wavelength that people have chosen NOT to tune into... for whatever reason. Not like it's a skill that takes years of practice and study to master, you know?
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Realization. Sigh.
Working with this geNtleman has triggered a cascade of not caring for myself.
It's a weird (unfatal, but needs insight) reversal into what it was like caring for NMom.
My own-wellbeing tanked.
Figured out the connection over the last few days.
SAME personality. Mom returned in an old man's body.
His selfishness has driven all his friends crazy, he uses his stinginess like a weapon and toys with me about hours, continuing, etc. And I'm a servant, not a person (even though we've been co-congregants for over a decade). It's doable (and may end in two weeks) but it isn't pleasant.
I'm not deterred from the work and have met a couple ladies there who may need me. And I'll be fine. I have clarity and get to practice boundaries in a new round. It's okay. Okay-but kind of okay.
But the realization was rough. His friends have told me I'm spot on and have been very supportive.
Etcetera,
Hugs,
Hops
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Hops, I'm more & more convinced that God or the Universe has a really sick sense of humor & irony.
There is a mystery in how/why (and it's not just unconscious motivation on our part) - long after we've dealt with our issues and moved on - there is at least one "echo" experience, where instead of being one of the main characters in the narrative plot - we're actually standing just enough outside of it to see the horror of it, but not succumb to it.
Sounds like this is your opportunity to take a step back from it. So you DON'T relive ALL of what you've already settled once & for all, again. Maybe it's a "test"... or a "proof"... that we learned the lessons inherent in that experience and have refined "us" to the point, that (as Mike was wont to say) it's just like water off a duck's back.
I think you "got this". And you know, you could start scheduling another patient into your calendar now; a few days anyway. So that you could smile sweetly in response to one of his demands and simply say: "Sorry, I'm not available that day". There are 2 ends to the chain he's trying to jerk you around with, ya know? Once he learns he must negotiate instead of command... he MIGHT start getting a clue. But I wouldn't count on it.
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Hops:
If you stick with this lesson, and don't try to force your way into being productive or focused on other things to feel better..... what happens next for you?
You don't feel like everything's OK now, and that's OK.
Just stick with observing yourself in this lesson.... what comes next?
Lighter
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I've been looking for opportunities with some of the elders I meet. I need one or two more clients to earn what I'll need to, to get by okay. I'm not broadcasting my little flyer en masse, but now and then when I encounter a person I'll just give them one. It's a friendly, no-hype flyer with the header: How may I help? (I put a funny picture of me on a swing at the top...white hair flying...just to convey some personality. Then some bullet points about the things I can help with (non-medical and non-heavy-lifting)--shopping, sorting, tea & company, driving, light cooking, etc. A woman (80) who'd asked me to come into her apartment and help her open a window a week or so back called and I met with her today. She is I think the loneliest person I have ever met. No family, chronic bone disease, and a blunt (but not nasty) personality that seems not to mesh with the bridge-playing ladies who lunch at the facility. So much pain.
I just said I'd come and encourage her, help her with her closet sort and unpacking things she wants to get done, and walk her little dog (who seemed equally desperate for company). We're going to try once a week and see how it goes. I told her, you can change your mind at any time for any reason, and that is just fine. She had trouble letting me leave. Wrung my heart. But with her, unlike my gent, I felt a sense of purpose.
So I'm feeling better about the prospects of this PT thing actually working out. The downside is it can be challenging to schedule these folks around their meals, naps, and whatnots. I really really want to develop a routine where my writing is happening regularly. But I'm feeling that maybe if I take one day at a time and have some positive thoughts and a little faith, it may actually work out pretty well.
(I was in a depression trough last week or so -- as you could probably tell from my posts or lack of them -- but I'm talking to my MD tomorrow. It may be time for another round of Rx, though I've been very happy to be off them for about 15 years now. We'll see.) I feel better today because I've taken action and seem to be out of the stupor.
love
Hops
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Might have another client, which would help as the first gent is feeling better and has reduced my hours. This is a couple, who live in one of the fanciest places. They're nice. He's 92 but the person needing some company is his wife, 84, who's broken her shoulder (poor thing, obviously in real pain, which is hard to see). He is still quite mobile and active and has things to do and meetings to go to, etc, but doesn't want her to be alone--very concerned about her falling again. She is lovely but has early dementia--nothing startling except that her short-term memory is failing (so there'll be lots of repeating...I'm easy with that).
They're both very bright, accomplished and interesting. Waiting to see what kind of schedule they'd like. I'm glad about this. As long as I can limit the PT work to afternoons, and work on my awful circadian/sleep delay thing...maybe I'll be able to claim mornings for writing. The biggest downside is I never want to get out of bed. Soooooooooo not a morning person.
One day at a time.
Hops
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Hops, I have it in my mind that I'm not a morning person either. I'm "retired" and if I don't want to get dressed till 10, so what?
And then, I have one of those days when I go to bed around 8:30-9, to indulge in some cozy reading... the eyes close automatically... and next thing I know I'm up around 5 or 6 am, same as if I was working. And I've had one of those blessed 8 hrs of sleep nights too.
Mike never understood my need to sleep that long. He was always a 4 hrs a night person. Even at the beach. But being able to give this to myself has helped in lots of small subtle ways, get me back to a balance again. But I'm starting to notice I need a little more structure now, too. A general schedule - not written in stone - so I'm devoting time across several things I'm working on.
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I'm glad you have pt work brewing, Hops.
In the meantime...... try to enjoy the time you spend in bed. Really sink into it, and roll around happily snugging into the next perfectly comfortable spot.
Light
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Thanks, guys. Really am grateful you're willing to listen to the step by step as I ease into this new way of making my way, so to speak.
Today was nice--first meeting with the lonely (but blunt and open, which I actually appreciate) 80 y/o woman. We took her car and drove out of town a little way to deliver her tax info to the woman who does it, then on the way back she craved a pizza and though she had in mind the usual chain in a horrid mall-like location, I persuaded her to try a small detour to a local place (which I knew was good)...and she enjoyed it a lot. Devoured half a small pizza, talked a lot, and encouraged me to enjoy a beer (which I did! but paid for myself). Took her home and on my own time, walked her little dog...who is desperate for exercise, she's part whippet.
We enjoyed each other's company and it felt like a good situation. Said farewell smiling. I'll go there weekly for a couple hours and I know it'll help her. And, her check helps me. Boy, did she have a very painful life...such stories. Glad I could listen and be a set of compassionate ears.
My original elder-employer drove today and was very proud of himself. I'm still going to talk about the ethics of it with the assoc. minister but for now, I've released it. I will be haunted forever if he kills somebody though.
Tomorrow I go to work for the new couple. Looking forward to that too.
I actually think this work is going to work! My hourly pay is quite solid and it's NOT writing about stuff I don't care about to make other people rich. It's just about people.
(GeNt just called me because he often misses calls and thinks it was me...which it wasn't. Told him, "That's okay...drink some water, and I'll see you tomorrow.")
:)
Hops
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I think older people are really really hungry for connection with others. Not "needy", or having someone "do for them"... but someone who will listen, just be there and are open to their humanity; acknowledgement. They'll all have their different habits about it I guess.
You might be doing research for another book here, Hops. I'll bet they all have stories to tell - and they'll appreciate you haven't heard them 10 times yet.
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OK....
I'm havin'a thought here.....
STAY in bed in the morning,
but WRITE.
::nodding::
And congrats on getting work lined up. That was quick: )
Lighter
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Things are much better with my work.
GeNt is now driving himself (aaggh) so I'm working for him about 8 hours a week rather than the 20 preceding his heart procedure. I'm sorry about less money --still looking for new clients and getting the occasional one-off job--but things are calmer for now. (He IS 92 so things will change in time.) And, it's also better because I have found a better balance of assertiveness (or avoidance) when he's being pissy. I gradually sense a kind of affectioN coming from him that I didn't perceive before (and in my own way, I have some fondness for him as well). When I come while he's out he complains. When I come when he's there he complains. Better to have him miss me, as then he's nicer the next time!
It's likely because right now I'm the most reliable person in his life who deals with his reality (not his posturing). He's exhibiting more tolerance and I've had more practice deflecting some of his nonsense. I've also learned that just accepting his irrationality at times makes more sense than debating it.
I also have a new LOVELY client twice a month...an 80 y/o old woman with lots of medical issues and pain, but who still has all her marbles, and is just lovely. Motherly, kind, considerate to a fault. She is a pleasure to be around. And, a few other calls are coming in, sometimes for just a session or two.
I'm still at half the hours I need to feel financially safe but I do have leads...a friend is going to introduce me to her friend at a ritzy facility, and we'll ask if she'd pass my flyer to any friends there she hears expressing a need for some help, etc. Another friend just suggested today that I take my flyer to the office of a wealthy church nearby. I never thought of that but it's a great idea.
So, with spring, and possibilities, I'm feeling pretty good! Sleep is better, health is better.
And just in case I've never mentioned this....I HAVE THE CUTEST DOG IN TOWN. Did I mention that? Are you sure? Probably forgot to tell you, silly me. SERIOUSLY. She is so cute she stops traffic! Well, pedestrian traffic.
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Aw Hops! She is just the cutest! Wow, no wonder people want to pet her, she's adorable :)
I'm glad your lady client sounds nice and that you seem to be managing Mr Grumpy! And that there are new leads coming up and that things just seem to be ticking over. That was very nice to read :)
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Dadgummit! I've saved it as a smaller file and it's only 20.2 mb but the dang pic won't attach.
Anybody understand this stuff?
Hops
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Oh. Wait. That's KB it wants...oops.
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Can you take another pic of your pooch with your phone, send it to your e mail, then attach it to a post?
I so want to see your pooch: )
Lighter
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Got a 'puter design friend on the case, to reduce the size.
Next week, shall probably happen!
xo
Hops
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I saw a pic, where did it go? Was it on this thread? Or another one? How bizarre! :) x
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Hi Hops,
OMG I give you credit to work with a N. But the biggest thing I noticed is setting a boundary. That
is the biggest change .....that's the one thing we were never taught.......
Amazing......the one thing that makes everything change.....a real game changer.
That's it......
and if it doesn't work.....your out of there....
so grateful.......Thanks.....Bettyanne
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Sorry, Tupp! :lol:
I wanted to replace it with the gooooood pic (which is way to HD and big to be attached).
So I've emailed a designer buddy to see if he can make it small enough to post.
You're right, Bettyanne! My elderly geNt is a good chance to practice gentle but firm assertiveness.
It is a positive feeling, and sometimes, he comes around without the zing.
Generally speaking, just saying Yes and No or This Is What I Charge in this world are boundary exercises, for me anyway.
Going to be a busy week, hope everyone has a good one.
hugs
Hops
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Lol I thought I was going mad, I could have sworn I'd seen a picture! Okay, look forward to seeing a different version (although I thought that one was lovely! She looks so cute) :) x
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Okay, you can have it back.
It's just not her GLAMOUR shot.
:)
xo
Hops
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Aw, thanks, Hops, she's such a cutie! I love the way she's on her seat as well, lol, they always nab the comfiest spot, don't they? We went to visit someone last week and he has a very cute dog, who came into the sitting room, eyed his bed, eyed the empty armchair, looked out at the sun spot in the garden - and decided the best place to sit was on the sofa between myself and my son, head on one lap and bum in the other. Lol. Thank you for putting her up again! :)
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Just how I pictured her, lol. You must have given a pretty good description in the past, Hops.
She looks very at home, and loved......
How did your techie friend solve the pic problem?
Lighter
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This isn't the pic I want to post, Light.
Designer pal (with his secret image-adjusting toolbox, don't ask me...) may be able to fix the amazing HD shot (the one that got her on the tourist stuff here). But he hasn't yet. Dunno, he's busy, we'll see.
Meanwhile, that's just a fuzzy Hops-cell-phone pic.
Woof!
Hops
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Would ya believe that Twiggy's dog looked like that?! It's true. My best buddy.
What I really like about the pic is the faint image of the grandmaster Hops herself in the window... with the woof... it's a really nice effect and is a gentle pleasant statement too.
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Very kind, Skep, but I didn't intend to post an image of me, even faint...so I'll crop and re-post!
(Glad you alerted me.)
hugs
Hops
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I knew you'd do that, Hops, lol.
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aw. I'm pretty shy too. But it was a really nice effect and image! However; I understand privacy better than most too.
SHOO. I'm tired. Been really bustin' the old butt this week. LOTS of steps, toting stuff where it belongs.
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And....heeeeeeeeeeeeeere's the glamour shot!
(Hope it was worth the wait.)
xo
Hops
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Aw Hopsie, she's smiling! I just want to cuddle her and feed her dog biscuits :) Wow, she's just gorgeous, she's a good friend to have around :)
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Thanks, ((((Tupp))))!
It's ridiculously transparent that she's my D substitute, but she has helped my heart heal for 4 years now!
She's someone to love and watching her heal from her traumatic origins (much less the unexpected surprise of this pic going onto a local tourist postcard and "dog biscuit" tin they give out at the Visitors Center) has given me so much delight.
Yesterday I took her on a social visit to an old lady I'd worked for (as an elder-sitter) a few times...she had talked about how very much she's missed being around a dog. (The fancy place where she and her 92 y/o hub live now isn't set up for her to have a pet). It was SUCH a pleasure to see this lady, in her 80s, get down on the floor for the pleasure of rubbing Pooch's tummy. And Pooch was her best-behaved self. A little startled at the sudden fire-hose of attention from a stranger but she got the vibe, I think, and figured out that the entire purpose of the visit was for herself to be adored and have her ears scratched and much affectionate talk.
We stayed just about 45 minutes but it made our day.
love,
Hops
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Oh Hops she looks like she's on a great adventure..... heading into her day...... busy and on the job, really: )
Maybe a little red cape for her service visits?
Lighter
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Oh, the power of animals to heal those places it's hard to reach... this is why I'm so obsessed with trying to get mio-mio back to normal.
It's pretty clear to me, now - she is just having problems "going" and controlling it. The embarrassment is why she's hiding from me. When I go visit her - she wants to suck up all the lovins I want to give her. And she LOOKS like there is just nothing wrong with her. Canned fish and oil on her kibble is helping to soften the poops (and I have cod liver oil on the way to simplify that new routine) but the reason she moved her hiding place, is she peed her bed. Which was right next to the litter box. 2 ft away. So had workers here all day yesterday and because she'd always been a puter kitty, closed her in the office. It has a big window with a wide ledge she can sit on and a door that gets sun in the afternoon.
I'll bet this is the result of her stealing & eating toilet paper. LOL.
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I'm really sorry your kitty's still having trouble, Amber. SO frustrating for you and for her.
Vet no help? No UTI, no nothin' diagnosable? Could it be just a reaction to moving/uprooting?
Are her kidneys okay? :( Speaking of pix, maybe if we had one of her, we could send her
healing energies? Who knows?
Lighter, I love the little red cape idea for pooch. She's not reliable enough to BE a service dog,
but who says she couldn't wear the costume? Hmmm. Got me thinking for Halloween....Florence
Doginggale...
Her funny body is extra-long. I sometimes call her the extruded dog. She's part corgi, so got
that face and torso, but fortunately part beagle too, so she got real legs and a real tail. The rest is Traveling Salesdog. (My mother always had corgis, knowing deep withiN that she was royalty of
course, and those adorable things had to run around on stumps all day....sweet dogs though.)
What I loved about the glamour shot was that the photographer, a young woman with serious
equipment, lay down on the bricks downtown to get that angle. Gave this short little dog such
gravitas. I thought it was a brilliant move. I also love that the old bank where I used to go with
my Dad as a tot (soaring ceilings, all the marble) and where I have my safe deposit box now,
is in the background. And a cafe I'm often at with her and friends is just beyond.
It's my happy place and she's my happy pooch. Last night I was at a cafe there with friends and
a man at the next table was just in love with her. "Accidentally" dropped a big swatch of salmon
skin. (This is why she loooooves going downtown...) Enough said or y'all will start thinking I'm
obsessed.
Busted.
Hops
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If you're gonna be busted for something, it might as well be doting on your pet, right? I think it's good for us to exercise that emotional muscle; keeps it flexible and functional. ;)
So often, I read the memorials from crusty, gruff old guys for their dogs - and even they are totally heartbroken. Shamelessly blubbering like little girls. In public even. With not even a second thought for their reputations as "tough guys".
The vet couldn't get - and I didn't think to take a urine sample during our visit. He did give her a 7 day antibiotic shot that helped. He couldn't find a thing wrong with her physically or in the blood work, but he suspected a UTI. She has always been a skitzy fraidy cat - preferring to hide under my bed or in my bathroom if we had company. Even from Holly - who is a cat whisperer. It took her 5-6 years to let Mike pet her.
So it's POSSIBLE that she's gotten better from the infection but because she's smart enough to know that she had potty issues - and is now self-conscious about it - she is a little neurotic about the whole episode. (Animals are like their humans, right??? LOL) I've cleaned her box, right down to scrubbing it in case there were any germs and have always kept it scooped out. I'm beginning to think I need to try some plain old clay cat litter - instead of the tiny clumping stuff. There's an urban legend that when they clean their feet, after being in the box - they ingest the little granules and it does it's thing in their digestive system. The vets say no; that's not possible - as do the litter companies - but I'm running out of ideas here. LOL. The only other thing I can think of is that's had a kitty stroke of sorts and has simply lost complete control over what comes out when... but then, that's not quite right either.
It's a hilarious picture: but she runs through the house like her tail's on fire and shoots out "kitty snacks" while she's running... which is why I thought maybe some gentle stool softener would help. In case she's expecting it to hurt. I had to order cod liver oil, I didn't have any in my kit - so it should be here soon. In the meantime, I use an eyedropper to add a little olive oil to her kibble, and give her half a can of good oily fish cat food a day too. She seems to prefer salmon but will eat shrimp.
A friend passed on his vet's tip for for UTIs... just crushing a little Vitamin C into the water bowl. Guess who overdid on the second day? LOL... getting the dose right for an 8 lb cat by guess & by golly wasn't cutting it - so I found a homeopathic remedy at chewy.com - no color, taste or smell and I saw it had uva ursi in it so I've been trying that for a week. Last night, she got plain tap water for a break.
For whatever reason she seems to be "claiming" the downstairs as her space since I've gotten a lot of boxes gone and floor space back. It's not that she can't come up the steps - she's being hardheaded and doesn't want to. And I've caved and made her comfortable down there.
No; I'm not obsessed... LOL. The hardest part has been learning to just leave her be to rest and let her "hide" - it's her instinct when she's not feeling great - but only in a few places that it's not difficult to get her out of, when I have to confine her for work going on around here. She's lasted this long without stopping eating - so she must be drinking/peeing somewhere - and she's not lethargic; just not hanging out in the upstairs main living space.
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:::SIGH::::..
So I wake up this morning to the Pug restless, and unsettled. I think.... maybe she has two legs through one harness leg hole?
I take it off..... she's still headbutting me and my pillow...... doing something odd with her hindquarters. This is after she was shaved, and bathed yesterday..... and then we went on a nature walk down by the river.
I take a closer look at a spot I THINK is darker than the rest....and...... there's a huge tick near her neck, over her front leg..... OMG!
I touch it and the legs start moving.
::skin crawling::
I'm not the type to let things like that sit.
I get a match.
I light it.
I get the not still hot tip to the tick....Pug moves anyway, and I fail.
::dropping head::
Then I have a thought... GLUE GUN! The really HOT kind. I won't have to worry about lack of heat in this equation, no sir.
I load Pug's little pink Kong with almond butter.... a lot.... which was the smartest thing I've done today, then plug in the glue gun.
What could go wrong, right?
So, as I'm frustrated over the no longer moving bc it's glued into PUG fur TICK, and
:shock:
I find 2 more smaller ticks, which makes me mentally wring my hands..... I can't get a very large tick out of pug skin.
::skin crawling::
Well, there's three non wiggling ticks on a paper plate.......I must of figured it out....
it's a blurr, frankly.
The pug is napping off her trauma.
I'll tick check her undercarriage once she's finished.
::sigh::
Amber I'm hoping you get your kitty feeling better. Maybe the water in your new area is bothering her? Maybe purified water will help?
Lighter
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Well I had more than my share of UTIs back in the day. I wonder if she has a resistant UTI, that 7 days of antibiotic hasn't killed off. Sure can happen with people, why not kitties? Seems very strange that the vet would not get a urine culture for a firm dx, even if she has to be sedated to collect it. I sure hope a solution for her comes soon. (Courtesy, Dr. Hops who isn't one but plays one in her head...)
Lighter, I love the hot glue ticks attack. Very funny (and very smart!).
OOOO pets.
:)
Hops
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Hopsie, she's a good dog to be obsessed about :)
I'd love a dog but circumstances aren't right at the moment (plus the cat wouldn't be happy, lol) but I'm still hoping to do voluntary dog walking once son's health is good enough that we can commit to a regular walk. I think it's especially nice when you take on a rescue dog, it's lovely to give them a better life when they've not had a good start x
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Hops, the vet said her bladder was really small... and they tried expressing enough to sample and couldn't get any.
Lighter, I've been giving her bottled water or using the reverse osmosis all this time. If it were the water, she'd had had symptoms by Christmas after we moved.
Any chronic disease would've shown up in her bloodwork.
So, I'm following her lead about what she wants and trying not to stress about it. She CLEARLY doesn't want to be upstairs. I found her under the power recliner the last time, after looking everywhere she could get to. Their instinct is to hide from potential predators when they don't feel well, to protect themselves.
It's going to start getting crazy busy around here, with a lot of physical disruptions in the house itself soon. That's going to probably just make things worse for her, unless I get her established into a particular space.
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Don't despair, don't give up! ((((((Amber & mio mio))))....
There's this: https://www.amazon.com/Non-Absorbent-Reusable-Litter-Urine-Collection/dp/B00I2YTTNA (https://www.amazon.com/Non-Absorbent-Reusable-Litter-Urine-Collection/dp/B00I2YTTNA) and a funny explanatory (Aussie) article: http://www.smallanimaltalk.com/2014/05/collecting-urine-sample-from-your-cat.html (http://www.smallanimaltalk.com/2014/05/collecting-urine-sample-from-your-cat.html)
Sending peaceful thoughts for a comfy kitty cave solution too.
love,
Hops
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Hmmmm... it makes you wonder what chemicals have been used around and inside the house. Pesticides, cleaning solutions..... even off gassing from carpets, and building materials for pets and people sensitive to such things.
Paint.
Ahhhh....it's stopped raining, but there's wind and dark stormy clouds. I wish I could be outside in it.... the rain started again. I really love the rain.
I worry about pets when dealing with the wood mice around here.
It's got to be something with mio mio, Amber.
I hope you find it.
Light
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Lighter, I love the hot glue ticks attack. Very funny (and very smart!).
OOOO pets.
:)
Hops
Well.... I didn't feel very smart after I glued the tick in place, mitt head still inside the pug.
For anyone interested, the glue gun tip has to be 100% glue free to be a good idea.
::nodding::
Lighter
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Just curious, Amber...did you ever try the urine sample collection product for Mio Mio?
Hugs to you both,
Hops
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No, Hops, I didn't.
I've been letting her try to lead me to a more correct observation/analysis of what's going on. Personality wise, she's changed - but she's PERKY. And she is still terrorizing Queenie - who will calmly and carefully sneak around the back of the couch to satisfy her curiosity about mio-mio when she's upstairs snuggling; always keeping her distance. The minute Mio sees her, the chase is on... And Mio-mio is clearly "the boss of this house".
Poops get better some days; and other days are still hard as little rocks. This is pretty common, from what I can see online - and the vets can't do more than we can at home - which is make sure they stay hydrated, feed more wet food, and add some stool softener. I'm using an eyedropper & cod liver oil -- and it DOES help. She still runs to poop - but the howling has stopped. But I don't think she has much control over peeing anymore. She did go in the box one day last week.
She's very lovey when I'm downstairs; I'm spending a lot of time trying to sort through everything that just got dumped there and figure out the best way for me to use the space. The constant rain for over a week here has put a kink in my outside work plans. And she's clearly mad at me that there's another cat in the house... LOL... she bites me and the tail goes a mile a minute, switching back & forth.
I've read a lot of vets comments about various diagnoses and treatments and such... and there is a general consensus that this happens for some unknown reason to some cats and about all they can do is treat the symptoms. She's happiest when I'm not fussing over her - or trying to force her to do what I think she wants. So, that's the space I'm trying to give her right now. Queenie doesn't venture downstairs much and as I've cleared floor space (and made new hiding places) mio-mio feels safe down there. I've been trying to get her to play a little bit with her favorite string toy, because exercise might help too. Animals do get depressed... so my job is to not make her feel like she's being bad, or stubborn (altho she is) and bear with the situation until she gets her head in a different place.
Other than the urinary/bowel issues - she's physically in good shape and is still alert and lovey. Since the round of antibiotics, she doesn't appear to be at death's door anymore. She still hides - because she is embarrassed and wants to be left alone. I gotta respect that. Lately, she's come running the minute I come downstairs to feed her or work. That's more normal for her.
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Quick job update:
Got a new, regular client (90) who's a challenge but also an amazing learning opportunity. She reminds me a lot of Nmother, but is more of a "steel magNolia." Smart, very charming, and very manipulative. She drives her two sons crazy and can be frustrating to deal with. Nearly every time, I must set boundaries with her. Doesn't sound like "fun" but in a way it is, because I'm getting to experience a healthy response to manipulation. And also experience assertiveness. I can enjoy her liveliness and warmth but say "No" when I need to. (She wants me to be "on call" and rush to soothe her, and I've explained that if she needs more time, she does have to reserve me ahead.) Everything that pops into her head she describes as "urgent" or "very important" so she keeps people around her in a state of agitation. Yet she has very serious health issues.
I could go on and on with stories about her but there's also a lot to enjoy if I keep it light but professional.
Compassion is still job one. She is in very poor health (failing heart, only one kidney--I've taken her to the ER twice) and quite afraid. Being kind but strong with her at the same time is a positive experience for me. And being paid for my time makes a lot of difference in how it feels.
Originial geNt is getting crankier, for health reasons I think. Also because he realizes I'm not quite as available for him as I once was. I think he's scared and lonely but is so rigid and controlling that he won't let anyone truly "in". Like magNolia, he's putting a ton of energy into image management, and is in denial about where he is in life.
I get a lot of lessons from this work. From these two, the biggest I think is to understand that when my decline-time comes, I want to accept help with grace instead of resentment.
My third lady is a joy to be around---kind, maternal and appreciative. Only sad thing is to watch her deal with so much pain and disability because of obesity. Makes me sad to take her grocery shopping and see what she chooses. But she's not stupid, she is addicted. And it's not my place to tell her what to do. Poor thing takes so much medicine it takes us an hour to fill up her pill containers...and one day, she won't be able to walk. Still, she likes to laugh and is just a dear.
I finally have enough hours to feel that if I can keep my employment at approximately this level, I'll be okay. It's good that it keeps me active (very good) but it's also surprisingly draining. You have to be constantly "on" and attentive, unlike at an office where you can take mental breaks. On balance I'm grateful for it...but not making progress right now with my writing. Tend to come home and conk out on the couch.
Personal discipline is still a handicap and that's my biggest challenge. But I think it's going to continue to get better with practice. I've been at it about six months now, only recently up to about 20 hours or so. It's the right balance if I commit to better scheduling and...alas...less time online!
Btw, if you need work, this field that is mushrooming. I offer "companion" care, not "health aide" or significant medical, hygiene or heavy-lifting. My folks are all mobile (with walkers sometimes) and clean and dress themselves. I did some homework and found out what common agencies charge in my area (if you work for an agency you might make $11 hour while the agency pockets $25, but on your own, you can charge $20--more in some places). It's a decent rate for work that suits me well. If you like old folks, make yourself a flyer and get the word out! I worried for months but word of mouth has really worked. Took about six months to get three regulars--but they're all at the same assisted living complex, so I schedule time with them back to back. And some of them are friends, and others I meet coming and going have asked for my flyer, so I think it'll continue to grow in a sort of ebb and flow. Of course, built into the job is that I'll be losing customers one day when they pass away or must move to nursing care, and gradually gaining others. I accept it, and am grateful for what I am learning from folks in this chapter of life.
Hugs,
Hops
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That all sounds really good, Hops. I think word of mouth is such a good way to get work, especially that kind of work as it's so personal. People need to feel they can trust in someone and that's much easier with someone who's been recommended.
The lady with the good addiction is sad, there seems to be a growing problem in that area. I've been watching a series about people who are morbidly obese and they go on an exercise regime and strict diet to lose the weight they need to. It's so sad to watch, they're so unhappy with their weight and the health problems it brings but they really do have such a strong addiction it's incredibly difficult for them to change. I think what's particularly hard with food is that you do have to eat so you can't avoid it completely in the way that you can if you want to stop smoking or drinking. You never know, Hops, maybe some of your healthy eating habits might give her some ideas :)
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Thanks, Tupp. I think this dear lady has had this addiction for so long I couldn't make a dent. On our last trip to the doctor she was just diagnosed with diabetes, and I know she's unhappy about that. But I honestly don't think she can give up the sugar, empty white carbs, ice cream, full-sugar soda, candies, meaningless breads and all the rest of the sad, nutritionally empty stuff she buys. It's clearly comfort eating and who am I to say that when you're on your last legs and living in a (admittedly very pleasant) "facility" that I wouldn't do the same? Pass the bourbon! I might offer--would you like me to bring you a crazy meal sometime that will make you feel GOOD?--but she's deeply attached to her old-fashioned cheesy dishes and desserts and for her, clearly, sugar is love.
She very sweetly asked me the other day if I was on a special diet (I knew what was coming as she offers me desserts every time). I said yes, I'm trying really hard to avoid sugar and eating between meals. It was visibly PAINFUL for her that I really didn't want to accept her "treat" (gooey food/sugar = love) but I was touched that she asked. She said, "Then I wouldn't be your friend if I offered you this." She really is a gem. Kind, lovely human being.
GeNt saw me coming in with her after our grocery trip one day (me shoving a cart covered with bags of cookies, etc) and he kind of sneered, sotto voce: "That's a lot of stuff." I know him and know exactly what contemptuous thoughts he was thinking. Yet in my eyes, she's worth 10 of him because of what her heart is like.
Ahhh, life. I like my old folks, Ns and all. Given my lack of family, caring about these folks gives me a reason to feel that my existence matters. I know it really does to them. They're in a gray area between "independent + meals" living (they get basic housekeeping, breakfast + dinner in a dining room--but no meals on weekends) and needing nursing care. I can tell how so many of them are skating very close to that precipice. I met a charming 99 year-old man the other day...it's a desperate situation for some of them because they know that unless they can afford in-home (in-apartment) private nursing help, at some point they'll be uprooted AGAIN to be moved to a nursing home. I can't imagine the dread.
One bleak-minded friend and I fairly regularly have a conversation (not even actually a depressing one) about getting The Peaceful Pill Handbook and while we're still able, planning a trip to Mexico to prepare our "escape pharmacy." Sickens me that old folks have to do that, in this society.
Once the current government is done with us (they want to slash Medicaid, the only medical care safety net for the poor and elderly), old people without funds will probably start taking naps on railroad tracks. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
love,
Hops