Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on April 13, 2017, 09:00:41 PM
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I recently (few years back) had a conflict with the minister at my church about his (unintentional) behavior that damaged me at a vulnerable time. Now, I'm at a peaceful place in my core community again, but it was very painful and difficult to recover from. I did not confront because I came to understand that he could never stop having to be right or stop "spinning." Doesn't matter, I am rebuilding my sense of peace and connection there. It's the community I need, not a sermon. And ministers come and go. So I'm okay there now.
I would like to say that I felt similarly rocked in my sense of safety and belonging here, because of a recent thread. I am highly sensitive to different kinds of energy, and felt a forceful, dominating verbal "beat down" was taking place. It hurt me and landed blows in painful childhood places, and I've found myself just not feeling as eager to openly, vulnerably, write and reach out.
I do not want to re-engage the discussion that was on that thread, or address it in any other threads. I am just wanting to express that, for me, not just differing opinions but bullying happened during that disagreement, and I'm not okay with that.
Nobody needs to do anything about it and I'm not asking for anything from anyone. I don't feel victimized, because I'm speaking up. And an anonymous forum is a pretty safe space to do that.
I just realized that being silent about the situation held the potential of damaging my sense of trust and safety within this place I turn to day after day, and I had been wanting to back away. And yet I don't, because this space is precious to me. I figured the best thing I could do would be to just say so, rather than slip too far back or go voiceless.
Saying my piece lets me re-engage here, which for me, is about offering compassion and support to others, or insights that sometimes come up. And also, receiving the same things when I need them myself. And boy have I received them, in generous waves, so many times. VESMB has been an extraordinary source of kindness, empathy, caring and support for me for many years and I don't want to allow myself to feel intimidated or hurt enough to give it up.
This post is my way of declaring my intention that I don't want estrangement. So I will consciously refuse to slip into it if I can. That's it. Thanks for reading.
love,
Hops