Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: lighter on September 04, 2017, 07:43:01 PM
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We came home today after holiday travel. The first thing I thought was "What died?"
Surely there's a dead mouse somewhere in the garage, if only I can find it. That didn't bother me much, surprisingly. Not long ago it would have set me very on edge, but not today.
I think part of that is stepping back from trying to do more than I can possibly do. I have to admit I PLANNED holiday that way, then pulled back at the end, and just stopped.
This put us back home early afternoon with plenty of time to catch up, and prepare for the week... a really good thing.
Turned out something in the re cycle bin was dodgy.... the garage is still mouse free. Yay.
I feel great about making 4 different soups for my step father, and convalescing friend. There are frozen single serve portions in freezer bags in four flavors. Baked potato soup, broccoli cauliflower chicken soup, beef vegetable, and chicken corn chowder... oh my, here comes fall! I love soup in the fall, and esp mommy made soup.
My house feels less stressed as I drive up to, and enter it. Not sure if it's that I'm getting ahead on my to do list OR I'm feeling better in my skin. Has to be both, I'm thinking.
We played a lot of cards over holiday. It's now an accepted fact that one can determine their own outcome with the cards through muscle testing, and has been labeled "cheating" by my youngest dd if detected or suspected. For the most part, I don't think about it, and find amusement at youngest dd's intense feelings around it.
She was very upset when one of our friends learned to muscle test herself last night while playing cards. This was done to help the friend figure out her true YES and NO. Often a forward lean is YES, and a backwards lean is NO, but that's not always the case. My friend has been frustrated for years at not being able to do this for herself, esp at the grocery store.
At first my friend was sure it wouldn't work for her at all, and it seemed it wouldn't. After an hour of trying..... calming herself down, and changing from seated to standing position, there was a shift. She found her YES was forward leaning, and NO was backwards. Soon other card players were trying it, and DD's zen was tested once again. I think she'll be working on her own YES and NO soon, and I'll be glad of it.
I don't know if it's really cheating, but it's a super great way to experience concrete results from different leanings, IME. Everyone can see the results to boot. I rate this an A++ fun way to learn to muscle test yourself.
My girls are making their own lunches for school. I don't worry about it. I used to worry about it a lot. Oldest dd is figuring out her new schedule with the cleanse.... only 7 days left, 5 of them at school so I'm happy she's being proactive. She's on board with this 100%, and driving her own boat which is how it has to be. She'll figure out her own eating plan when it's done, and I'll try to keep my nose in my own business.
I'm looking to purchase a used infra red sauna for the house for detoxing purposes. It would be good to have a wooden one, but that entails putting in a dedicated circuit. The easier way is to get a fold up soft model we can travel with, but I worry about off gassing. Hmmmm. Anyone have information about this?
::taking time to appreciate the things in front of me now that I enjoy::
Using the Nescafe coffee maker. I got a great deal on it, almost free, and it makes good enough espresso I've decided, though purchasing the pods isn't easy. They have to be ordered and arrive via snail mail. I particularly like drinking espresso from the little child's mug, with spring green polka dots, made by the lovely nun who raises bunnies. My sister gave me that mug 15 years ago, and we never used it much.
::nodding::.
It has a lamb on it too.
::nodding again::.
And is just the right size.
Lighter
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I forgot to write that I've started a new project around the hardest of the hard things I've yet to finish dealing with. The hours go by like seconds, and my hand cramps as I NEED to push past it, and write write write more more more. In red.
It's the right time, and the right way.
I 'll destroy it with paint and pen then turn it into something else.
Lighter
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More work on the project, and it comes quickly, and without trouble. Sort of like barfing on paper, IMO.
More work on the yard... and it's still very easy, and enjoyable. I see clearly what I'll do in some areas. No thinking.
I have to remember not to ruin the clothes I'm enjoying now. I tend to see work, and drop into it without thinking about what I'm wearing. All my previously favorite clothing ended up in the painting clothing pile. I'm trying to think before I begin. Gloves? Hat? Long sleeves? Good boots for the job? I'd like to look put together when I'm not working.... maybe sometime soon I'll care about how I look when I am working. This is becoming my life. It's new.
I've noticed I allow myself to become overwhelmed quite a bit around the news lately.
To overcome it, I'll go back to what I learned from prior struggles....
do everything I can to positively impact the outcome, then get on with myself.
I have to turn the TV off now.
Lighter
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I had a consult with a moss expert yesterday. The good news is I have a lot of moss, and every part of my yard will grow it without trouble. I thought I had spots that were struggling BUT those areas simply have ugly brown green moss growing on them. I just have to sew handfuls of the lovely fluffy bright green moss on top of it.... it looks like tiny little ferns. SO. Lovely.
I started pulling weeds around the mailbox. I want to complete the first feature in that area, but man.... So. Many. Weeds. So many to pull by hand. I'm about to scrape it, put in sheets of moss, then use what I scraped up to crumble over the ugly green brown stuff.
::nodding::.
I just know I enjoy thinking about it. I enjoy DOING this. I can't wait to go rock hunting, and forest driftwood hunting. This is as much fun as shell seeking, which I haven't done in years, but used to love too.
I enjoy feeling like my younger self.
Remembering I was loved by Bill so much. It felt really good to be someone's moon and stars. That was real. It's part of who I am, and I'll carry it with me always. Just bc something ended doesn't mean it's gone.
I think I'm through mourning. I think I'm ready to embrace what I had, and lean into the future with hope again.
When I was driving the girls to school Monday, after the storm blew through.... I was unhappy about having to drive with all the trees down. Our school was one of the only schools open, bc that area didn't get much damage. Our area had the most damage. The BlueRidge Pkw, which I love driving the kids to and from school on, is still closed. I digress... I noticed I had a wheedling whiny voice when I talked to a buddy about the drive. He was going to have to drive to school to, later that day, and I really felt it was unfair to keep the school open when most schools closed, and the ones that didn't had a 2 hour delay. It was sort of nuts to have everyone out on the roads before all the power lines and trees could be cleared, IMO.
I really hated the whiny victimized tone I found myself using, and I decided right there I was going to stop. I recognize it in my oldest child's tone at times. I don't like it on either of us.
Eventually I lightened up on that drive, and could laugh and joke about it. This was better in every single way that can be described, IME. I want more light and less whining in my life.
I've noticed in the past that my oldest dd lights up like a light bulb when I laugh and feel joy. Lately I've been going out of my way to let the small stuff go, and seek out joy whenever I possibly can. For her. For me. For all of us. That Monday drive was a gift wrapped in a challenge. I need reminders. It's so hard to GET and internalize lessons, but I really want to.
I don't put on news radio anymore. I have a few great radio stations we love. We sing together, and chat. We talk about good things, and I've noticed things FEEL better.
Our kitchen feels and looks great right now. We hang out and cook together there. My kids are asking to play cards again... it's not just me asking. Things are coming back into focus... sort of. It's not something that can be forced, IME. It's in focus or it's not, and there are things that still haven't righted themselves. Plenty. This is a work in progress. I think I can enjoy the ride again.
Lighter
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I was busy all day with a friend, and his parents, who live in Florida, but have sheltered with him. They were lucky, bc they didn't lose anything... not a window. Not a tree. Their area did very well.
It was a lovely day too. Perfect for working in the yard. I really want to nail down basic designs, and went out just before dark to snap pictures to work from this evening. God help me, I think I want to put stone down on the path everyone takes to the forest entrance and line it with moss. I don't know anything about putting in a stone walkway.
Yet; )
Lighter
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There are a couple ways to make that walkway Lighter. But since you want to plant moss, you're going to want to use the easiest way.
So, first step is outlining your path. Landscapers use a kind of spray paint to do this - but you can just layout length of hose, rope or even string. Then, you'll want to clear the sod off... and if you like, you can go down a couple or 3 inches, so the stone wil bel "sunk" in the dirt and the moss will grow up over the edges. I used to do this with creeping thyme.
So, you can either go gather stones (easy for me)... or have a pallet of "paver stone" delivered. The commercial stones will be more uniform in depth, even though there will be some variations. Then just lay them out in your own personal "puzzle" pattern. For moss growing, I'd use a mix of topsoil and peat moss (to hold moisture)... scoop it on top of the stones and then broom it in between. Wet it down really good - wait a few days - wet it again and plant your moss. I think you can also "feed" moss old milk... maybe it's buttermilk.
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Ahhhh, thanks for that, Amber. I'm wondering if I can find enough rocks to complete a path. I think I'll have to have pavers delivered.
I cleared all the weeds from the bottom of a giant oak tree today and planted more moss around it. Some of the round lovely moss from the nursery, and a big rock went in too.
A neighbor with a German Shepherd, I'd never met before, came round while I was pulling weeds. Another neighbor gave advice, and was giddy as a child wondering how my yard would turn out. I love his big black slow gentle dog.
I transplanted a lot of moss today. The girls owe me several hours in the yard, and I'm looking forward to that.
My youngest dd has a friend over. He's a boy, but not a "boyfriend." Of course he's very funny, and makes her laugh. She likes what we call "giggle boys." They're nerds together. Later on two more friends joined them, and stayed overnight. They're so nice. This morning they got up, and made brunch. DD cooked apple bottom pancakes, and the giggle boy cooked jalapeno, onion, and garlic scrambled eggs topped with cheese, hot sauce optional. I LOVE THIS KID. It's odd when the kids all the sudden grow up, yet aren't.
My oldest enjoyed being around her sister and friends. She played piano, did homework, cooked dinner tonight, and folds clothes as I write this. She has her school photo tomorrow so showered, and will have clothes picked out before bed, bc she thinks it's a good idea. If this doesn't sound wonderful, let me just tell you.... it is.
I can hear in her voice that she's paying attention to her tone, and words when she speaks to me. And it's a good thing, bc I feel like I have her back. I've really missed her.
Lighter
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Yesterday morning I woke up from a nightmare involving my late husband. Since his death I've had many dreams about him, but they were always of him alive, with me trying to solve everything peacefully. Sometimes there was kissing, of all things.
THIS dream was about his hunting me down, with various minions, and trying to kill me. I was running and hiding and being chased by him, new people he'd just found and convinced to help him so I wouldn't know their faces, etc. On and on it went.
I used to have running and hiding dreams about him during the divorce, but not for a long time have I had them.
At one point in the nightmare I was trying to find a hidey hole, and found my sister hiding behind a chair. She looked alarmed that she'd been outed, then offered to let me hide with her. I tried, but that meant we were both exposed. Two women, and one chair.. it didn't work. They found us.
I was exhausted all day after this dream.
Anyway, towards the end of the dream a devil-ish fellow came up to me and said....
"You know....you know." and it was assumed that I was being told there was a stalemate, and my husband had decided to let me live.
I was then in my Mother's entrance hall, in the house she lived in before she died, and my husband was coming to drop the kids off. I could hear the Pug's nails scratching on the drive.
And then husband walked up, put a pistol to my forehead and grinned at me. He'd tricked me, of course, and I fell for it, again. I reacted quickly, my head went left, my right hand up, and he blew one of my fingers off, but missed my head.
He looked upset and pulled the gun back down, and tried again. Same thing happened. He then handed me the gun, turned and walked away.
At this point, where I had the gun, and the choice to shoot him, I woke up. I wonder why I couldn't have woken up earlier, during the terrifying running and hiding stuff. Why did I wake up at that point?
I'm not used to this kind of dreaming. I think it's a new level of processing I haven't been able to deal with.
This morning I was driving home from school drop off and thought about a friend who passed away 3 years ago. My heart hurts to think of her. Just makes it hard to breath. I let myself go to that sad place, forced myself really. Eventually it felt like she curled up inside my chest, for comfort and safety, like she once curled up in my bed for comfort, like a child.
That's the way everything seems to be going lately. I force myself to face whatever is vexing me, and it leads to feeling better.
The front yard is almost clear of the larger weeds. I haven't been perfectly pulling everything at all times, but pulling will be easier from this point. I'm proud of myself. I think the neighbors can finally see what it's supposed to be. What I'll make of it: )
This weekend is Nana's birthday, and I have work to do on the farm, along with filling 3 or 4 underbed tupperwares with moss for my yard. WHOO HOO. Can't wait.
Lighter
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ugh.... what an awful dream lighter.
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Ya, it really was terrible, Amber.
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I am hoping that the subconscious was throwing up that awful scene in order to get it one layer higher and closer to floating free from your being, and far away. That's how I see nightmares. Release valves....
(((((Lighter)))))
Hops
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Well, it's official.
I'm obsessed with my moss garden.
And.....
it's absolutely wonderful.
I'm the neighborhood yard troll. Muddy, bug bitten, and always always in the yard, trying to maximize every minute. Does anyone know about high high water pressure in a house? It just started about a month ago, and I've blown out 2 hoses, which is uber frustrating. Another thing slowing me down. I have so much to do, and I can't say I've been this happy in a very long time. I mean, I'm refusing to worry like I used to and notice when it starts. I can laugh at it, and turn back to playing in the dirt.
I really like playing in dirt.
Tomorrow I deliver a bunch of moss to youngest' dd's school chum's mom. I'll see the space she's planning for her moss garden, which grows thick tree moss and lichen.... sounds perfect. Moss at the nursery costs 15.00 for a tray... not a large tray either. I'll be dropping off maybe $700.00 worth, and it makes me so happy!
Almost all my trees have moss features around them at this point, and I'm working steadily on the front curb area, and mailbox. For some reason I'm having trouble getting the mailbox area finished. I keep wondering away, and starting something else. Not sure why. I think it' bc I want to plant some bulbs, and pansies... cabbages, and it's just too many steps to wrap my brain around, so I go back to weed, plant, water, carry rubbish, struggle struggle struggle with hose, repeat.
Yes, Hops. I think my subconscious is barfing up stuff that needs to go. Writing about it, till I have nothing to write, must bring up, and that's OK. I just want it over, and behind me. Finally.
I hope everyone remembers to wiggle toes in the grass with faces turned to the sun. The weather is glorious here.
Lighter
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I just got that weather today Lighter. It is glorious after the oppressive heat & humidity. Now RAIN would be nice... but I still have buildings that will be delivered some time. I need to call today and find out their ETA. I wasn't ready the last time they made a run to WV.
Water pressure... are you on a well? Have a pressure tank? If so, you might want to get that checked out. I have had hoses blow out - and have since replaced them with (pricey) lifetime guarantee hoses. One practice to get into is turning off the water, then opening the nozzle on the hose to the water drain & evaporate. It'll help with the average hose lifespan. Don't forget to disconnect all your hoses from your faucets, when temps get down to freezing, too.
My contractors are DONE. The carpenters will be back soon, to put flashing on top of the garage door trim (something they do special, on log homes that really helps the trim last longer). We did a walk through to make sure they hadn't missed anything and that was the suggestion that was made. Now, everything else is MY JOB. The interior finish work - finding the right furnishings for each space - the small touches.
I'm in a regrouping stage for now. And taking some days off, now that I can go places any day of the week to do some things like get a haircut, get my eyes checked/new glasses, etc. Just piddling. Holly & Matt helped me put together my studio work table (the most important tool I have). I ordered a couple unfinished kitchen cabinet bases; they raised the top, so I can access two big drawers and added casters. That 4x8 tabletop gets used for EVERYTHING. LOL.
Mio-mio's real happy not to be confined to one room anymore. And "Queenie" - my in/out cat - has been determined to be a neutered male by the painters. Queenie's new name is Freddy Mercury. LOL.
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Freddy Mercury, lol. How funny.
You reminded me I have stuff on my indoor list before company arrives. Trim that still needs another coat of paint. Some caulking. Bathroom ceilings need paint. At this point I paint the floor vinyl flooring in the master bath whenever I expect overnight company... looks fresh... sky blue, until I can replace it. I want to wash the neutral not bad wallpaper down with white paint, and add something to it. Not sure what. I'll know it when I know it. I have a wall in the kitchen with 2 colors of paint on it. The cabinet color and wall colors. Time to choose one, and make it so. Eh, I also have to paint one unfinished cabinet. Forgot about that. Just got used to it I guess.
It's nice that you have the contractors gone for now. Time to rest, and gather strength for the next round. 90% research. 10% execution, and all that.
I spent the entire day ripping out hosta, and tidying borders, pulling weeds from already weeded established moss side yard, which felt SO GOOD. I blew the leaves off, all dirt and acorns... it looks like fairies frolic in the space when it's tended, which will get easier and easier as the weeds go.
I watered everything with a short light spray after dark. IF I'd have gotten moss fragments on all the spotty or bald patches they'd be growing right now. I have a start and stutter thing going with new activities I'm not familiar with. It's a perfection thing. I have to just DO, and not think think think about doing it just right.
Fragging is making little half inch pieces out of the right mosses for the right spots, and scattering them into wet soil, walking on them, and keeping them moist with 2 spritzes a day. I've been spraying every day SEEING if I can keep it up with all this dry weather. At least I fixed hoses today, and I'm on city water. I don't understand the pressure change, but there's a drip drip drip under the house for outside backyard spicket with a halloween trick or treat bucket under it that needs a plumber's attention, along with the drippy faucets in the master bath. He can check out the pressure when I call him. AHHHHH those darned hoses. I always cut my fingers up when I use those cheap repair kits. Next time I'm getting the more expensive ones to try.
:shock:The woodpecker's back. I chased him away, and he went to the next door neighbor's house. I heard them bang, like an interior woodpecker, and then he went to the next house in line. They weren't home, so he hung out there for a while. It was impossible to concentrate so I chased him away, and hoped he didn't swing back to my house. He was in the trees the last time I heard him.
I wonder if banging like a woodpecker is more effective than one BIG thump. I the neighbors if that was so, and they didn't seem to know they were banging JUST like a woodpecker, or they didn't want to discuss. Hmmm.
I have a broken bird bath to move to front yard. The top broke in half, so I'll bury it a bit, like a planter, and fill it with lovely round colonies of different mosses in front of the BIG tree. The moles have been digging around that tree for years, unchecked, so it's all heaped up and mounded in this very attractive way the other trees aren't. If I don't stomp the mole tunnels down, they harden and take on this organic sculpture mound on mound on mound form. I hope that made sense. It truly is gorgeous.
We don't have rain forecast the next 10 days, but the leaves will begin falling this week so it's frag time NOW, though my mind is still resisting.
One neighbor is heartbroken I don't intend to moss the entire front yard. Honestly, I don't believe I can do a good job with it. The plan is to blow leaves into the middle, and have areas, or features around trees and the trail that are well kept. That means I don't have to work so hard when the leaves fall, or take so much time blowing. The neighbor can use that pile too, just easier for both of us. Right now I have half a hill, and an interesting area mapped out for the pile. I pulled the weeds there, so I can utilize that moss, put down landscape fabric, and start blowing. That's where the frags will come from, and it's all waiting for harvest, tearing, spreading and watering. I guess.
It got chilly today, Amber. I needed a jacket but didn't want to stop working, which is why the hoses got fixed. I couldn't bear the spray of the leaky hoses soaking me over and over again, which was how yesterday, a warmer day, went.
Now that I have part of the yard in exactly the shape I want everything in, I feel more peace. More contented. More focused.
::nodding::.
I might not be able to smell the barn, but I know it's there; )
Now, if I can get my hands on some huge wonderful stone from a nearby barn recently torn down. And the metal roof of a barn near my fathers. I long to reclaim old things. I picked up big stones from the woods, and moss covered stumps with character to use. Somewhere. At some point. I really enjoy this work.
Lighter
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There's been a shift in my world with all the hours spent in the yard. The neighbors come by regularly, and chat or comment on the progress my sister and I make. I think everyone thought I was bonkers but now..they can see the Moss turn into a fairy shire day by day. Patch by patch. I'm set to rescue Moss from the mailman's yard, on top of rescuing an embarrassment of mossy riches from my own yard where the leaf pile will be located. We move small sections of sun loving moss with spatulas and forks. The rain has everything we planted sprouting sporophytes! It's wonderful and I wish I had time to stop and enjoy it.
This neighborhood is shady and Moss is everywhere., My neighbors seem excited about what we'll do next. Some happily chat about Halloween, and I do believe we'll end up with a good sized party with bonfire this year. I'm glad there are husband's and male friends to tend the fire and coolers while we deal with food, teens and guests.
The girls have friends coming, and so do I. My niece is coming.
It's empowering to have energy and exhilierating to maximize it. My sister and I whipped the yard in shape, so much getting done, and now I'm contemplating stone mosaics. I'll switch to indoor projects next week. Almost all the trees have lovely moss skirts, and finishing the weed barrier will have to be enough for now.
I'm refusing to worry. I'm embracing joy instead, and that, I feel,is getting out if my own way. I wish there were more hours in a day.
Yes.
Lighter
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After Halloween comes "dream time" Lighter. Until the first snow crocus come up. That's when a person can put all those creative juices to work... shuffle everything that's been on the "list" into something more sensible... and even change directions. Rip Van Winkle time too... fuzzy slippers, hot cocoa and a fire in the stove...
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Moss sounds like a magical obsession, Lighter.
Wish we could see pix!
Did you start it because of a shady yard?
It sounds amazing for the yard and equally good for you.
Enjoy!
Hops
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I'm only just catching up with your thread, Lighter. I can see you like a fairy weaving a magical garden :) I was convinced that little people lived among us when I was a child; I was always so certain that tiny little figures were living beneath toadstools and in little houses made out of fallen leaves. Your descriptions of your garden sound like a grown up version of that, something magical and enticing to mythical folk :) It sounds so lovely.
I'm sorry to read of that horrible dream. I think, as you say, your subconscious is dragging things up. Personally, I've found that generally means I've got to a point where I can 'handle' whatever hideous thing is in there and it will start to get better. Just very difficult to cope with at the time as it's so unpleasant. I think bad dreams can be particularly hard as a good sleep is such a wonderful start to the day, whilst waking up with that in your mind can make it very difficult to shake off. I hope it is all settling down and I'm glad you have your lovely garden to focus on during the day. Hope you are doing okay xx
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Well, my computer isn't too happy right now. I can only get wifi in one room, and I'm sharing with oldest dd, so..... I don't get on very often these days. I spend hours in the yard, then tend to the kids, and it's all I can do to stay awake to brush teeth and floss. I was using the water pic too, which I love, but I'm just so tired.
So, here's my update. The yard is coming along. The front leaf pile area, outlined with an orange electric cord and roughly 160 lin feet, was covered completely in cardboard. We looked very post apocolyptic for a while there... many neighbors driving by, wondering how crazy I am, then going on their way. They also wonder what the heck I'm doing in my yard so many hours a day, and then my sister joined in. SO. MANY. HOURS. They can't understand the whole pulling grass and weeds thing, while planting moss, bc they spend their time trying to kill moss while planting grass. It's interesting to see them come around as progress is made though.
So, the cardboard was there till I'd finished my research and bought 2 pallets of medium sized riverrocks for the border. I made the purchase at a country store, and they delivered the same day, dropping them CRASH into the island from the drive. It was spectacular, and worked out well, bc I had them all in place in a few hours. Very satisfying. Now the neighbors come by, and chat about their moss, and bring me pieces they find. They have a new appreciation for moss in general, which is nice.
My water pressure was very high... suddenly, and almost violent, which was nice after low hot water pressure for 2 years. The down side was blown out hoses in the yard, and finally the dishwasher blew something underneath and flooded my dinining room and kitchen into the crawl space over night. The plumber came out and replaced the valve INTO the house that controls the pressure from the street and he changed out 2 valves on my 17 yo hot water heater, which is next to be replaced.
He put in a dishwasher, which was nice. At some point I'll consider putting in an industrial vent over the stove/oven, which is a Jennair unit vented undereath. They odn't make them any more, and this one is pretty old.... expensive to replace with newer models. Will think about that, but happy to have water pressure fixed.
I dragged a big moss covered stump home today, and thought about you, Tupp. How the voices in your head assume negative things. I met a neighbor, and she questioned me about where I was from..... was I from the nieghborhood, and what was my name, blah blah. It felt like she was assuming I was stealing something, and I just had to remind myself that what she was thinking wasn't any of my business, and go on with the task at hand which I did.
This stump is glorious, guys. Just lovely. Must run and pick up kids.
We're all doing OK. The kids laugh a lot, and cut pumpkins last night with friends... made gf apple dumplings, and loved on my roasted chicken.
We're doing OK.
Lighter
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I think I have the same model jenn-air, Lighter - they only made one downdraft model. It's now discontinued, I believe. But I opted for a new Kitchenaid. Still dual-fuel, and downdraft. Should be here along with a new kitchen sink and counter in a couple weeks. Happy birthday to me. LOL. It was the first thing on the "list" but I was determined to keep using it until I got the more important stuff done. Now, I have to light one burner with a match... so the range is on it's last legs.
What are neighbors? LOL. Once or twice a week this time of year, I see my hunters. And coming back from the mailbox, passed the other recluse neighbor and friend on their 4-wheelers... me in the ranger.
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Glad you didn't let that mosquito-neighbor bite, Lighter. Ugh.
Still wondering (wanting to get it) -- is your yard shady, and moss growing so well there inspired the moss garden?
I love thinking about it.
Hops
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Well, my computer isn't too happy right now. I can only get wifi in one room, and I'm sharing with oldest dd, so..... I don't get on very often these days. I spend hours in the yard, then tend to the kids, and it's all I can do to stay awake to brush teeth and floss. I was using the water pic too, which I love, but I'm just so tired.
So, here's my update. The yard is coming along. The front leaf pile area, outlined with an orange electric cord and roughly 160 lin feet, was covered completely in cardboard. We looked very post apocolyptic for a while there... many neighbors driving by, wondering how crazy I am, then going on their way. They also wonder what the heck I'm doing in my yard so many hours a day, and then my sister joined in. SO. MANY. HOURS. They can't understand the whole pulling grass and weeds thing, while planting moss, bc they spend their time trying to kill moss while planting grass. It's interesting to see them come around as progress is made though.
So, the cardboard was there till I'd finished my research and bought 2 pallets of medium sized riverrocks for the border. I made the purchase at a country store, and they delivered the same day, dropping them CRASH into the island from the drive. It was spectacular, and worked out well, bc I had them all in place in a few hours. Very satisfying. Now the neighbors come by, and chat about their moss, and bring me pieces they find. They have a new appreciation for moss in general, which is nice.
My water pressure was very high... suddenly, and almost violent, which was nice after low hot water pressure for 2 years. The down side was blown out hoses in the yard, and finally the dishwasher blew something underneath and flooded my dinining room and kitchen into the crawl space over night. The plumber came out and replaced the valve INTO the house that controls the pressure from the street and he changed out 2 valves on my 17 yo hot water heater, which is next to be replaced.
He put in a dishwasher, which was nice. At some point I'll consider putting in an industrial vent over the stove/oven, which is a Jennair unit vented undereath. They odn't make them any more, and this one is pretty old.... expensive to replace with newer models. Will think about that, but happy to have water pressure fixed.
I dragged a big moss covered stump home today, and thought about you, Tupp. How the voices in your head assume negative things. I met a neighbor, and she questioned me about where I was from..... was I from the nieghborhood, and what was my name, blah blah. It felt like she was assuming I was stealing something, and I just had to remind myself that what she was thinking wasn't any of my business, and go on with the task at hand which I did.
This stump is glorious, guys. Just lovely. Must run and pick up kids.
We're all doing OK. The kids laugh a lot, and cut pumpkins last night with friends... made gf apple dumplings, and loved on my roasted chicken.
We're doing OK.
Lighter
I'm so impressed with these enormous projects that you and Skep have thrown yourselves into, Lighter :) It makes me think I really should get on with the decorating :) It's nice that your neighbours are bringing moss over for you, I like that sort of community feeling. When my son was younger everyone knew we did a lot of art and craft and that we home educated, so I'd often come home to find a box of recyclables someone had left for us to make rockets out of, or boxes of paper and pens and pencils when someone had a clear out. It's nice when people think of you in a nice way like that :)
The negative voices when questioned - yep, I get that. I think with me I am so used to questions being asked as a prelude to finding something to criticise that I don't factor in that 'some' people ask questions just as a way of making conversation, or getting to know you, or wanting to learn more about something that you do - for no reason other than in 'normal' society people do chat and exchange information without there being any sinister undercurrent. The other thing I find difficult - and I wonder if you've had the same with your legal battles - is that there have been times when comments or pieces of information have been deliberately presented out of context in order to pursue a certain course of action, that wouldn't have been possible had all the information been put forward. I think that kind of thing can put you on your guard and have you wondering what someone will do with the information they have gleaned from you - whereas from your neighbour's point of view she was probably just passing the time of day and didn't give your moss covered stumps a second thought :) It's very difficult to move from that 'under seige' position to being relaxed and genuinely not thinking about what might be going on. We all just need to keep practising, I guess :) xx
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Eh,. Tupp. I think the neighbor was sort of on patrol, frankly. We're supposed to wear our little ID badges in the forest, and play warden sort of officially. Some people ask to see badges, or so I've heard. I think this woman covered the glorious stump a bit AND was feeling official. Matters not. My property borders the forest, same as hers. We all belong.
About art stuff, Tupp..... I still have tons of it. I use it. The girls use it. I'd be lost without it, and I noticed a chalk paint store, with work table centered in one half of the building, had jars and baskets of the same things I keep in jars and baskets.....within reach.... appreciated and lovely. Create Tupp. It's good for the soul, and we might find a good deal of relief if we create around some of our demons. Maybe think of it as expelling them and caging them in the pieces. I LL plan to burn them in my spiffy new burn barrel that burns very hot....very efficient.
I'm channeling Buddha energy without thinking about it. I seem to want to do what needs doing lately. I'm enjoying doing things very much. Even the small trivial things are enjoyable.
Light
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Eh,. Tupp. I think the neighbor was sort of on patrol, frankly. We're supposed to wear our little ID badges in the forest, and play warden sort of officially. Some people ask to see badges, or so I've heard. I think this woman covered the glorious stump a bit AND was feeling official. Matters not. My property borders the forest, same as hers. We all belong.
About art stuff, Tupp..... I still have tons of it. I use it. The girls use it. I'd be lost without it, and I noticed a chalk paint store, with work table centered in one half of the building, had jars and baskets of the same things I keep in jars and baskets.....within reach.... appreciated and lovely. Create Tupp. It's good for the soul, and we might find a good deal of relief if we create around some of our demons. Maybe think of it as expelling them and caging them in the pieces. I LL plan to burn them in my spiffy new burn barrel that burns very hot....very efficient.
I'm channeling Buddha energy without thinking about it. I seem to want to do what needs doing lately. I'm enjoying doing things very much. Even the small trivial things are enjoyable.
Light
Ah okay, so she was a nosey parker! You do get those people who have a little bit of power and it kind of goes to their head :) Lol, well hopefully now she knows you're all good she'll be a bit friendlier next time :)
Yes, art stuff. Our things are currently in a big crate. I'm decorating - slowly - and rearranging rooms and replacing furniture. It's all being done a bit at a time, partly because of money, partly because of other things that need doing. But what I'm aiming for is a good sized table and a desk in the lounge, along with the TV, record player and all our making stuff stuff in there. I have a lovely picture in my mind of being able to sit down in the evening, putting on some music or a film and then tucking into some painting, writing, sewing or whatever else might be on the cards. We're getting there slowly.
Hurrah for Buddha energy! I've been suggesting to my sister that she focus her energy more into things she likes or that benefit her, and less into jumping through hoops for my mum. She's at a point that I was at fifteen or so years ago. I remember my therapist at the time gently suggesting that I decide what to do at the weekend, instead of waiting for my mum to decide and then leave me hanging. I thought she was mad. The idea of putting myself first was so alien to me she may as well have suggested I eat babies. I do find I am impatient with other people when I see dysfunctional behaviour. Because I see it quickly now, I expect everyone else to. I forget it took me thirty plus years to wake up to what was going on around me. I think I need a bit of Buddha patience.
It's nice reading your updates, Lighter, I'm glad your home is coming on so nicely and that you can put your Buddha energy into making it such a comfortable and welcoming space for you and your girls :) xx
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Hi Tupp:
I'm busy in the yard, though I probly should be doing other things. It's the rain though. The moss loves it, and it's this gentle rain I love to work in.... about 70 degrees too. Just can't resist it.
I've been noticing how much distance there is between myself, and the negative fearful feelings I used to live by. It's a relief, and I feel very sad for myself on some days... lots of compassion, which is lovely. Today I was startled by a neighbor, and it reminded me that I don't live that way any longer.
I have another somewhat elderly neighbor who bought a guard dog recently. I've seen him a few times walking this spirited German Shepherd around my cul de sac. I recognize his uptight fearful grasp on his situation. He NNEEEEEDS the dog to feel OK in his world, but he's struggling to handle the dog at the same time. His parents were murdered during a home invasion many years ago. The police just caught one of the offenders, and that's brought up fear enough that he got this dog that's pulled him over on the pavement, and had fights with other dogs. I haven;t seen him lately, but I feel very sorry that he lives in such fear. I wish I could tell him to buy a smaller dog, as an alarm, and protect himself in other ways, that would make his life easier, but he has to do what he has to do to feel safe. I get that. Watching him BE in that space is a bit triggering, I realize. I don't like it. It's upsetting. It makes me very sad for us both.
Have you made any progress on designated space for creative things? I'm noticing a shift toward experiencing joy NOW. No waiting. There's a sense that life is short, and I have limited time with my girls, before they're off to college and beyond. Tomorrow is promised to no man, so I light candles in my bathroom daily, use my tried and true peppermint and lavender blend of essential oils, and refuse to be too busy for self care. Playing in the yard is part of that self care, btw; )
Drink water, Tupp, and remember to play.
Lighter
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Tupp? I was going to reply to you on this thread. Where did you go?
Lighter
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I pulled weeds 4 hours, atr lovely German bean soup,mmmmm, warmed me right up. Very blustery cold today.
My youngest dd15 and I picked a Christmas tree out and had it strapped to the truck roof. She put wet paper towels onver the cut end and capped with plastic bag and rubber bands. She's right....it does look like the tree has a diaper.
It's just wrong. :: Shaking head::
Lighter
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I pulled weeds 4 hours, atr lovely German bean soup,mmmmm, warmed me right up. Very blustery cold today.
My youngest dd15 and I picked a Christmas tree out and had it strapped to the truck roof. She put wet paper towels onver the cut end and capped with plastic bag and rubber bands. She's right....it does look like the tree has a diaper.
It's just wrong. :: Shaking head::
Lighter
Lol, I like that image, Lighter :)
I'm not sure if I replied earlier in the thread or not? Sometimes I know I want to reply but don't have the time right at that moment and then forget - in my head I think I did it :) But maybe not, lol, but your neighbour with the big dog rang a bell for me. I get that need for protection so badly. We have a ferocious cat :)
I'm impressed with your self care rituals, mine still go out of the window when I'm pushed for time; I'm working on it :) The creative space isn't there yet as I've hit a bit of a stumbling block with the decorating. We have a really big sofa - too big for our flat but I didn't realise before we moved in. It's a nightmare to get in or out of the room (horribly tight fit and takes all the paint off the door frame) and there's nowhere else to put it because none of the other rooms are big enough. So it really needs to go before I can get anything else done (I've done as much as I can but everything else now hinges on this sofa vanishing). I've been advertising it as a give away for a month or so but nobody wants it yet. I can have it disposed of but it's expensive and always seems such a waste to me - it's a nice sofa, it's just too big for our flat. Someone else suggested cutting it up to get it out which again just seems such a waste. So I'm holding on for the time being in the hope someone can use it. It doesn't have the right fire safety certificates on it for a charity to take it and for the same reason I can't rehome it to a residential home or waiting room or something. So either it will be someone wants it or it will go to the dump. Hopefully the former. But no creative space until it's gone :) xx
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Ahh, Tupp. I feel for you about the sofa. I instinctively want to paint the darned thing. Isn't that odd? I do, though. Maybe you'll find it a good home, and things will work out. Wasting lovely things seems so wrong.
I have several large containers of new moss to plant. I'm not up to it with this darned cold, though it might take my mind off the misery. Today is better, to be fair, but youngest dd missed school with her fever.
She has a voice performance tomorrow night at a fund raiser hosted by our school's music teacher.... record album release party.... very exciting, except youngest dd has a solo, and must perform with the cold AND she's not comfortable with either. Also, the chorus will perform out of the audience, flash mob style, which isn't youngest dd's style.
I bought a front row seat for it.
::shaking head::
Poor kid.
Lighter
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DDD15 appeared on stage and did what had to be done in a stoic, get the job over manner that was beautiful.
The chorus sang several ok songs, but oh my....the last one "Happy", was flat, slow and almost unrecognizable.
At the end I leaned toward the lady sitting next to me, a teacher from a private school who bought a 25.00 ticket out of the blue, and said....
" I bet you didn't see that coming," as the kids left the stage to roaring applause. The teacher burst out laughing....there was laughter all night, and mostly great entertainment. DD15 will speak to music teacher about asking the chorus to perform songs they can't pull off going forward. I love that she's advocating for herself.
The highlights of the evening....the fundraiser was a huge success. Our gentle kind vetrinarian won the spa basket, which was amazing, and Gary Jules took the the stage for 3 songs. He was funny and DD15 was over the top happy, which helped balance out the mortification of "Happy."
Lighter
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Three people on my street are dealing with cancer. One just finished chemo. One neighbor is on it. One begins chemo next week, and he's elderly, 88yo.
I roast chickens for them, and the 88yo neighbor gifted a lovely candle holder in thanks. It's a burl wood knot he found in the forest, and it's lovely.
I took a container of carrot ginger soup to them, and received a tour of the woodworking shop, which was amazing. He also loves to work in stone, and we connected on a creative level.
They understand inflammation, and appreciate the soups as chemo approaches..... I brought 2 more containers, Broccoli and kale chicken soup, along with food list for more and less choices.
These are post op days, and he's doing really well. I'm happy to plan projects with them. Nice.
Lighter
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I'm re reading your post on installing a stone path, Amber. Maybe soon I can tackle it.
Lighter
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You must have milder weather than I do, Lighter. We're solidly in the "clean up & put the gardens to bed" season here now. IF my buildings arrive next week, then I need to begin thinking about food garden design... fence... paths... etc.
I also need to get with my hunters and see about harvesting some of the dead ash trees on the new property. Wood is a year-round chore around here.
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Youngest DD15 finally has her first crush, and he's adorable. So nice. Very dear to her, and Uber kind, which she's been commenting on for weeks.
He sent her an unexpected message this afternoon. She responded....she likes him too.
Now she's waiting to hear back, but he's uninstalled his Instagram account out of nerves. Something he said he intended to do in his anxiety over her not feeling the same way perhaps. They're both very......humble.
I'm struck by the different advice my mother gave me when I was that age, and the advice coming out of my mouth.
This is such a happy time for DD 15: )
Lighter
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You are a Good Neighbor, Lighter.
Happy for your DD15 and hope it goes harmlessly!
Hops
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Ack, I worry her cheeky charasmatic friend (a boy) sent the message as a joke. He's completely capable of that. Why won't thus bit respond?!?
Lighter
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I hear that.
Stories I hear, watch and read about young ones tell me that social media is weaponized.
But hopefully he's as sweet as he seems.
I am scared of social media. Just don't do it.
I'll text with girlfriends, but tell guys I don't like to build relationship that way...rather talk on the phone or meet.
I have no idea what adolescents are facing but worry from a distance.
Holding DD in the light as she treads this new territory, and hope it's happy for her. It may well be! You've taught her a strong sense of self. It's just the world and the weight of what they're all absorbing, good and ill.
Hops
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So kind of you helping out your neighbours with food like that, Lighter. So important to eat well when you're ill, and yet the hardest thing to manage for yourself when you're poorly. A good friend of mine had cancer a few years ago and was living two hundred miles away, too far for me to do anything other than phone and send little gifts :( I think food gifts are such a blessing when you're not well - that and the care that goes with them means so much.
I hope it is the nice guy and not the friend playing a joke! Teenagers don't always realise how tender those feelings can be when they prank each other xx
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The boy sent the message, and is very nice. DD's friends are being somewhat controlled with their teasing.
Turns out DD and the boy are the only ones surprised by this mutual crush, as the friends have been "shipping" them for a while.
I'm going to enjoy this with DD, which means I'll resist worrying about the kids exchanging family histories.
Lighter
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The boy sent the message, and is very nice. DD's friends are being somewhat controlled with their teasing.
Turns out DD and the boy are the only ones surprised by this mutual crush, as the friends have been "shipping" them for a while.
I'm going to enjoy this with DD, which means I'll resist worrying about the kids exchanging family histories.
Lighter
Sounds like a good plan, Lighter! It is an interesting phase when people start swopping family stories. My sister's father-in-law died recently - when they went to the funeral she said to her kids "okay, this is how normal families behave". They'd not experienced it before :) xx
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This boy waits outside DD's classes for her. Yesterday she wanted to slip away and practice singing Santa Baby for her chorus class beforehand. The boy tagged along, and sang the song to DD' s delight.
He delights her.
:: nodding::.
She's still shy around him, so she didn't practice her song, which didn't surprise me. What did surprise me is DD agreed to sing a duet with him next open mike night at the school. He plays guitar and she plays ukulele....they both have nice voices. They're adorable.
Lighter
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This boy waits outside DD's classes for her. Yesterday she wanted to slip away and practice singing Santa Baby for her chorus class beforehand. The boy tagged along, and sang the song to DD' s delight.
He delights her.
:: nodding::.
She's still shy around him, so she didn't practice her song, which didn't surprise me. What did surprise me is DD agreed to sing a duet with him next open mike night at the school. He plays guitar and she plays ukulele....they both have nice voices. They're adorable.
Lighter
Aw, Lighter, I love the sound of him! What a sweetheart :) Those early romances are so sweet and open. I would love to experience that with someone again :)
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These days, when I dream of romance, which is rare......
Maybe twice in 10 years and a few years ago, it's that kind of sweet romance. I'm teenaged, the young stranger is teenaged. It's a sweet peck on the cheek, shy affection.
I'm not attracted to what , in my family is termed, " skinny little boys". I think it's longing for simple, unencumbered weightless being without games, or guile. Without danger or risk of any kind. Just before, kwim? When anything was possible,and I didn't know about PD's, or being trapped in relationship, miserably, left feeling afflicted,and harmed. Left cemented in protective mama bear mode where inviting more difficulty, even smallish difficulty was unthinkable.
I have felt attraction to ex military, competent, tool weilding men close to my age, though very rarely. That means I could invite someone appropriate in, I suppose, though the idea of marriage makes me want to raise my fists, and put up my guard. My entire body is left guard forward says my chiropractor friend. I drive that way. Walk that way. It's set in my skeleton. I don't know how that lives in my brain, but it makes me......
Want to leave it far far behind.
:: nodding::.
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It's wet and warm ish this morning. I'm goin into the yard to plant moss.
:: nodding::
Because I want to.
Lighter
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You and moss have a mystical relationship, Lighter.
Makes me happy that you're grounding yourself in a favorite
earthy beauty today!
As to a future man materializing one day, I hope he is pure
of heart and has unmistakable affection for his mother.
You deserve a man who doesn't hold artificial women on a
fake pedestal, but who has an affectionate and open-hearted attitude
toward mother, sisters, etc.
I hear it's a good hint anyway. Spotting someone who genuinely likes
and champions women. Who supports and respects their own strength.
xo
Hops
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Well, Hops I didn't get all the moss planted, but I got two trays down. It was wonderful. There was more time spent weeding and picking up leaves and sticks..... planting was my treat at the end.
What you said about cherishing your Independence, on your thread..... I'm so in that space. I'm not sure I have it in me to receive a wonderful man. Anything's possible, I suppose.
The journey continues.
Lighter
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You're right.
The mystery is not knowing when or if a good surprise may come.
Just that they might. And meanwhile, the beauty of moss...
Hugs
Hops
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DD15 is now referring to the boy as her boyfriend.... they're officially dating, and he's just lovely.
He's kind, and talented, and patient, with a good sense of humor. That means he's not what we call " a giggle boy", but he's quick and can be funny..... it's not his natural state. He's too busy being devoted and earnest, which DD recognizes and appreciates very much.
DD's best friend is a giggle boy.....Uber funny, and entertaining....friends with the bf too.....
We call him the gremlin.
DD is content with her social group, and experiencing a very happy time right now.
This young man, her bf, played his guitar and sang for the 5 women in my house last weekend. He was poised, and sang
Let Her Go by Passenger. Look it up. I liked the bf's version a little more.
:: nodding::.
BF is also brave.
Lighter
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Wow. How wonderful to have the privilege of watching an early love relationship.
Your attitude to him sounds so kind, respectful and appreciative.
Kudos, and best to your DD as she navigates her sense of what this means to her...happiness, I hope!
Whether short- or long-term, it'll be lovely if what's happening now might always be, in her future life,
good memories.
Hops
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Aw, Lighter, he sounds lovely! And singing and guitar playing, too! He sounds like a perfect intro to the world of romance, and long may things continue to be so much fun :) xx
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D D15 still enjoying the boy's company. I'm astonished by her boundaries and basically stick to what appears to be the 51% rule..... I'm in awe. She's so smart.....truly an old soul, with a tremendous talent for physical comedy. A lovely combination.
On the Little cottage in the Bahamas... It's time for repairs and researching the next steps. Contractor went on day trip and has materials list. Need to order new metal door with tamper proof hinges and an inside screen door. Need to order hurricane shutters for doors and windows still lacking them. Electric has problem but not sure how bad it is.
Basically we get it in shape to sell or keep. Not sure which. We bring an electrician the first planned trip, then ship major supplies for longer trip....at least 2 weeks.
I'm getting along with the contractor fine..... he's basically my father, same make and model. An angry white man with mad skills. Lots of opportunities for boundary work, and he likes me bc I work hard, no whining, beside him.
I admit I worry all that together time could render me one water bug in the ear away from going over the edge, but....
The journey continues.
Lighter
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My contractor is doing well, as we mull over window security.
New windows? Exterior mounted burglar bars? Hurricane shutters? Right now we're leaning toward 3M security film with interior mounted burglar bars that can be opened in case of fire. I get excited about ideas then demoralized when remembering thieves will get in no matter what, if they really want in. This is a herky jerky emotional rollercoaster for me. I haven't been to the cottage in over 10 years. It's a good chance to work on awareness and letting memories go by without latching on, kwim?
So,Amber, what solutions did you have on your beach windows, and do you have any advice?
We have some accordian hurricane shutters I'd like to secure from interior of house. Maybe put them over the remaining 10 windows while replacing a few.
The ocean front wall needs lots if work....metal studs and new windows for sure. Some kind of water proof interior finish as water gets in during hurricane season and has seeped up the paneling...thinking stucco.....maybe stone tile , at least at the bottom of the wall.
We ordered new kitchen cabinets, and will close off the little secondary kitchen in favor of creating another bedroom....maybe with built in bunk areas that feel very private. That's where I'd sleep. The back bedroom is over the old cistern, and I always disliked that room. Have to figure out how to deal with that.
No lower cabinets....all drawer packs. I won't ship another full size fridge again....too hard to have it stolen, so planned on 2 under counter fridges on one wall. Solves nothing, I realize, but less expensive, and easier to replace. Will bring something for on counter to cook on....no more ranges or ovens either. I wonder if I could find a safe place to store small appliances it if it's possible. Probably should just carry on and off island every trip. Huge PITA.
If I can find someone trustworthy to manage the property I could rent it out, and that means leaving the place stocked with appliances... At least minimally. I'd love to have an ice maker, but so would the thieves. I'm so suck of schlepping thing on to the island then getting broken into. It felt like stocking a store.
Optimally I'd like to get the place cleaned up and refreshed so it can be listed. Maybe find folks interested in living there from the US several months out of the year....maybe several people taking turns so it's occupied.
I'd like to spend some time there not working every second. If the girls and I could fish and harvest seafood ourselves...maybe have a little garden with fresh veggies, that would be nice. Tai Chi on the beach. Rest and restoration.... learning to do something else there besides struggle, and feel lost. That would be nice.
Lighter
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There's a reason a lot of beach houses have the appliance level on the 2nd floor. Even a lot of the OBX concrete block flat-tops, are getting a 2nd floor these days... except when there is historic value in keeping them, as is.
Tough call; steel studs which rust in salt air or wood that rots & molds from sea water exposure? If the contractor is local, I'd tend to lean on his experience and preference. If you accept that things need replacing on a shorter time-line in that environment then he'll likely go with what is easiest to refresh. Stucco is also susceptible to mold; it's holds pollen and sand in it's little pores and requires regular power washing with chemicals to keep it looking "clean". Tile might be the better option.
Windows are probably the most important part of a structure, as they are the most aesthetically pleasing but structurally weakest element. I like exterior, steel, roll down hurricane shutters. The slats fit into an enclosed track and will discourage the thief looking for an easy target - it would take tools and make a lot of noise to get through them. And the shutters can also cover doors. Steel won't get mishaped in the heat as quickly as aluminum, and will survive impacts better. These are typically rated to a Cat 3 hurricane. (All bets are off, when it's a more intense storm.)
The shutters on the exterior, also helps preserve the integrity of the mechanical functioning of the window, not just the glass. And the insulation - which is important if you're running a/c. Do you have power at the cottage? Those shutters are extremely heavy and hard to crank open manually. But it's easy to add a power switch to operate them. (You MIGHT be limited by your breaker box however.)
Power would also let you use one of those high-tech induction hot plates, instead of gas. I would prefer gas, and the 1 qt propane cylinders/camp stoves last a lot longer than one might think - but yes, you would need to stock back plenty of these cylinders - or get the adapter that would let you hook up to a 20 lb propane tank, like you use for a grill. Camping supply places will even have stove top ovens that seem to work well. (Like Cabelas...)
As for not schlepping all this stuff back & forth - it's extremely common to have an "owner's closet" in beach cottages to store your own bedding, appliances, cleaning/paper supplies, emergency kit, etc. It stays locked until the owner is there, all the time. Could be interior - or on the exterior of the house - but for say propane storage would need to be insulated and vented.
As for the theft problem... outside of an alarm system and a caretaker who's on the call list, along with the authorities... I got nothin'. I'm not sure which is worse - theft or vandalism - the latter being completely incomprehensible to me. This is one of two huge issues with owning property at a distance from "home base". The other issue is maintenance.
I didn't want to have to deal with either of those issues at two other properties. Ack - the opposite of simplifying my life! - so I decided to let both go. I might have kept the little cabin, if the opportunity to buy the land behind me didn't show up. But it did, and apparently someone had been watching for this cabin to get listed for awhile.
I'm still letting all that sink in and adjust myself into understanding that the property line isn't where it was anymore, when I bought this place. It's a huge adjustment for me... and I'm still basically thinking "small"... this one little spot I can see from the front porch and I'm just not able to really get out in the back 40 much yet. Too wet, too cold, and probably not very good cell signal if I get myself in trouble. (I don't think I will, but crap happens.)
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Amber, we're mostly thinking accordian shutters at this point. Bolted from interior of wall is only way I can real my mind around it. We need to replace some windows and yes, there is power. I'm walking electrician's passport through tomorrow....huge PITA. They don't say you still need appt at post office even though working with super expensive expediting company. Errrrr.
Electricity went out at sundown when contractor was putting materials list together. Could be small or large problems. Won't be sure till we have professional on it, and there's wires everywhere.... exposure to sea and sea air not helpful to the cause.
Owner's closet is same as house to people willing to break in, and cause destruction. We had a fake wall they figured out pretty quick once. I think security has to come from caretakers who carry respect and clout in the community.
Good thought about stucco collecting dirt and dust etc.
I like tile. I hate mildew.
My contractor is same one who worked on my house. Getting island labor is worse than getting help on Beech Mountain.... a nightmare I'm not up to.
Thanks for the input.
Lighter
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Good luck! It sounds like a worthwhile project. I think it maybe helps to keep things as simple, in as many locally available materials as possible in that situation. Keep things simple; even primitive - and it'll be more cost-effective when you have to replace things later... and be less attractive to the takers of the world. (Maybe; I have no experience whatsoever in that part of the world. No idea what society is like.)
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Amber:
I feel like I'm on a roller coaster..... one minute I'm hopeful about making improvements and long overdo repairs, enjoying it, letting friends and family enjoy it, and then my stomach flips thinking about wasting time and money. I don't have either to waste any more.
I'm truly conflicted on this one.
Lighter
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Hi Lighter,
The island cottage sounds exotic, lovely, arduous, and exhausting.
I keep fantasizing about your capacity to RENT a place like that when you crave the geography, climate, escape....
Owning sounds like such an absolutely enormous hassle to me. Where do you find the value in it?
(Not saying you should feel the same way...I just don't quite understand the appeal. I love the freedom and escape of being in such a place, though. I just barely keep up with my own wee house and yard, and am hooked on the whole Voluntary Simplicity idea of a better life. Not minimalism, as I'm incapable, but owning less.)
Fill me in, I'll get it!
Hugs,
Hops
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Let's play a little "what if" game... the only "rule" is that you're allowed to make the wrong decision, because except for only one of these scenarios you can change your mind (and even then, you still have some "outs" if you change your mind.
What if... you put it on the market & it sells? What benefit would the proceeds be? Would it simplify your life? Would you regret it? How much "improvement" do you think you'd have to do to ask a decent price for it? Have you discussed that with a realtor? You know you can do that - without being obligated to list?
What if... you do list it and it doesn't sell for awhile?
What if... you only do the minimum improvements to list it... and then just keep it -- leaving the option to sell later, open?
Do you know what your liability/loss would be if a storm completely wiped it out? What if that happened? Does that open up some new possibilities?
What if... for some other reason, your health - other's health, the local crime rate, whatever you hang onto it and now it's become a major millstone around your neck... what are your options then?
Just remember: run through the imaginary options... knowing full well you're allowed to make the wrong the decision. NOW, what's the worst that can happen?
Then, revisit what you REALLY WANT.
Hope that helps.
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D D15 still enjoying the boy's company. I'm astonished by her boundaries and basically stick to what appears to be the 51% rule..... I'm in awe. She's so smart.....truly an old soul, with a tremendous talent for physical comedy. A lovely combination.
On the Little cottage in the Bahamas... It's time for repairs and researching the next steps. Contractor went on day trip and has materials list. Need to order new metal door with tamper proof hinges and an inside screen door. Need to order hurricane shutters for doors and windows still lacking them. Electric has problem but not sure how bad it is.
Basically we get it in shape to sell or keep. Not sure which. We bring an electrician the first planned trip, then ship major supplies for longer trip....at least 2 weeks.
I'm getting along with the contractor fine..... he's basically my father, same make and model. An angry white man with mad skills. Lots of opportunities for boundary work, and he likes me bc I work hard, no whining, beside him.
I admit I worry all that together time could render me one water bug in the ear away from going over the edge, but....
The journey continues.
Lighter
Lighter, I'm out of touch with what teenagers are up to - what's the 51% rule? :) x
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I think we will be seeing a Lighter and Skep building company before long :) I love reading all this stuff whilst being aware most of it is going completely over my head :) Lol.
Lighter, I know nothing at all about the situation with this beach house and what the practicalities/financial implications are - but if it's a pain and is mostly just a safe for people to break in to when they want some new stuff, could you cut your losses and just sell, as is, and let someone else sort it all out? It sounds like it would be a lovely holiday home for family and friends whilst you have all the hassle of sorting everything out? I've no idea what your current options are but as I am in my decluttering mode at the moment and ruthlessly shedding years worth of all sorts of things (even photographs - I never thought I'd get rid of photographs but shredding up ones that don't make me smile when I look at them is very satisfying). I'm looking forward to the next instalment on the beach house story, whatever it may be :)
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Hi Tupp:
The 51% rule is about taking care of yourself as priority.... oxygen mask on you first sort if thing. Both my girls are pretty good at it.
About the Bahamas cottage.... I think basic repairs and replacement of windows, doors, shutters and new cabinets will make it easier to sell the cottage quickly. There's value in the lot, but the house itself has value bc it's such a problem to get anything done on the island.
This isn't my choice to have this property. I didn't want the place anymore when we bought it than I want it now. The plan is to sell ASAP.
I'm less conflicted at this point. I do my best, and that has to be enough.
Hope and Amber, thanks for the input. It's been helpful while I try to figure out least painful options.
Lighter
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Hi Tupp:
The 51% rule is about taking care of yourself as priority.... oxygen mask on you first sort if thing. Both my girls are pretty good at it.
About the Bahamas cottage.... I think basic repairs and replacement of windows, doors, shutters and new cabinets will make it easier to sell the cottage quickly. There's value in the lot, but the house itself has value bc it's such a problem to get anything done on the island.
This isn't my choice to have this property. I didn't want the place anymore when we bought it than I want it now. The plan is to sell ASAP.
I'm less conflicted at this point. I do my best, and that has to be enough.
Hope and Amber, thanks for the input. It's been helpful while I try to figure out least painful options.
Lighter
Lol, thank you, I have a new phrase to add to my vocabulary now :) Yes, I can see what you mean about getting the basics done before you sell on. There are so many ways that 'stuff' can tie us in knots when we just want to be free and skippy :) xx
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Got clarity now, Lighter!
You're only preparing it to sell.
A big PITA to do, but it doesn't represent an albatross for you.
So relieved to understand that...and courage for this tedium meanwhile.
xxoo
Hops
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Hops... I'm tired just thinking about this project. I had to phone the island hardware store for a week before I could ask what supplies they carry...and don't carry. The gentleman answering the phone has what sounds like laryngitis....poor guy....and could barely talk. I finally just barged on and sort of forced him to give me answers this morning.... we really need these answers.
On a bright note, I have girls' rides to school covered for both trips at this point.
Great...just thinking about these trips makes me sleepy. Contractor has idea about putting bunks in a different bedroom, along with a hallway to make back bedroom private....we now have to walk through one to the other.....NO interior doors anywhere. It makes sense, but the job keeps getting bigger. It's not a problem, just more materials to ship. I'm always pleased and amazed by his work, so will accept and trust all will be well. It will.
Lighter
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All WILL be well.
And you'll out-endure this tedium.
I hope it moves soon and you can get the sand out of your hair.
hugs
Hops
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Well..... there's going to be sand in my hair for a while. At least it shouldn't be too terribly hot....the summer is SO hot.
I'm going native.....bug'n sun is my perfume of the islands. I'll light an Amazon bonfire every once in a while, and pretend you guys can see it.
Lighter
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Rant warning:
Has anyone ever seen the movie SIGNS, with Mel Gibson as jaded, bitter ex clergyman?
Well, I'm one of the people who sees signs.
I'm wondering if the Universe is trying to tell me something in this moment, bc I cut my left index finger deeply yesterday, woke up last night feeling as though someone was driving an ice pick into the nail about 11:30pm, found the bottom of my fridge full of maple syrup first thing this morning, (remember Nanny McPhee II?)and then a small flood in laundry room and hallway bc washing machine malfunctioning. Again. This time repairman, who can't come till Monday, thinks it might be a seal. THis is a front loading Whirlpool Duet Sport, and the 3rd or 4th time I've had to call a repairman out over water leaks. The first leak was a pinhole in a drain tube, which meant things got very wet, and stayed wet for a while before I noticed a ROACH, which meant I panicked, and called out the bug man, and paid a lot of money for him to poison my house every month for a year, which ended a while ago. Roaches LOVE LOVE LOVE moisture, btw. The floors are wet again... soaked through. I wonder what the crawlspace looks like. Grrrr.
I feel like I'm moving through..... syrup, which was all over the two bottom shelves in the fridge, both veggie drawers then puddled at the bottom. I had to clean up sticky floor after cleaning the fridge, of course, bc there was some dripping of hot soapy vert syrupy water. I can't stand sticky floors... I get that from my dad. So. Much. Sticky.
Since I have all the beds stripped, and ready to go INTO the wash machine, which now has a dirty wet load of clothing in it, we're out of sorts from top to bottom...... I'm not even worried about knocking this finger open next week during Bahamas travel, catching an exotic bug, and losing that finger anymore, which was the top of my my priority list last night while I was wondering where allllll those unfinished bottles of painkillers over the past 20 years have ended up. I could FIND NOTHING of them. I never ever finish a painkiller Rx. Ever. I save them for when fingers get smashed or toenails get ripped out whole.... I just can't remember where I put them, and maybe they're here somewhere, but buried or in a box or on a shelf. BC we've entertained the idea of having troubled teens in the house, and bc we sometimes have normal teens in the house, I'm sure I've put them out of the way. Since I never need them I can't find them.
To top it off, I kept having flashbacks to post op days in hospital after 2nd dd's birth when my husband was stuping an employee at said hospital who told all the nursing staff I was a complaining bitch who would drive them crazy with demands so when the meds when the meds, that should have been flowing into my spine, were puddling under my bum, and the point where the little tube was wiggling around my spine hurt twice as much as my c section, with the nurses rolling their eyes at me while tossing over their shoulders I could give myself more medication when it was time...... while refusing to even check the epidural site..... I KNEW KNEw KnEW someone in that group was s******* my husband, and flat out asked one of them if it was her. Didn't help the cause, as you can imagine, but my point is..... I found the little bottle of liquid gold painkillers my sister brought me during that day, and I found relief in it, once again, to help with the finger. I have a very high tolerance for pain, btw. I honestly think the finger hurt as bad as the c section with wiggling around in me spine epidural. I don't know how that could be, but it was true.
If you want to know what the nurses face looked like when she found the puddle of meds under my bum in the hospital, while I went 24 hours post op sans any pain medication till my sister could find me some..... she looked gobsmacked, so sure was she that I was whining for more pain meds than I was allowed.
Almost done ranting, and the finger is feeling normal at this point, which I believe hurt badly last night bc I'd wrapped it tightly in two water proof bandages to close the wound..... there must have been pressure pulling the nail sideways bc it screamed me awake. I almost passed out twice getting the bandaids off. Only knocked it about twice today cleaning fridge..... so many little crevices, and the drawers and shelves a pain to move about, dont'cha know. Not what I needed, but I had no idea it would mess with my sleep, and drive me to the floor. Twice.
I intended to spend the day making lists, and packing the tools, and plumbing/electrical supplies purchased yesterday, but it's not happening. Syrup I tell'ya. I did not intended to walk over piles of dirty bedding, sopping wet towels, slipping into stripped beds I really really wanted to come home to and find clean at 10pm tonight after DD17s roller derby skating lessons. What could possibly go wrong there?
Please don't copy and paste any of this post, bc I'm sure I'll remove it later and don't want to have to remove the entire thread to make to make it go away.
OK..... I'll end this on a note of gratitude.... I got to hold a 6 month old baby today, and he was lovely. Next week he'll have a brand new out of the wrapper baby brother, adopted also, and I'm going to hold him like mad too. I know I'm a lucky dog. I know I'm blessed, but I can't help but feel I'm missing something really big, and the UNIVERSE is demanding I stop, and pay very close attention right now.
Lighter
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Oh my gosh, ((((Lighter))). What a series of horrors. And flashbacks.
I just have to say...one bug up my butt is when people are genuinely feeling real pain or freakout or trauma or anxiety, and they feel OBLIGATED to note: I'm blessed.
Of course you are. But still, just plain letting it rip about an awful series of days is fine on its own! You don't have to hold up a Zen card to let loose about all of that.
Jeez. It all sounds SUCKY. And though of course it will pass, you're entitled to just be UPSET!
love to you,
Hops
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My whole week's been this way Lighter. I'm still moaning & groaning about it too. I think it has something to do cosmic changes - astrology, polar shift, solar minimum - take your pick, there is a disturbance in the force and those of us sensitive to that tend to have this kind of so-called "luck" during those times.
It's just not possible to be stoic when everyday, THERE'S MORE.
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Ahhh.... picturing myself holding up the Zen card, so I can feel okk enough to get away with complaints. That's...
::sniff::..
So sad, Hops.
I m sitting in skate ring parking lot with youngest dd, who's breaking up with her bf. He can't take her NO without trying to change it into a YES. She's so wise, and quite done with him.
We were watching people skate bc the only electric outlet was facing the rink. Im mediately the older man I was already worrying about went down in front of me, across the rink. I mean.....he skeetched across the floor with his arms under him.....skeee eeee eee e eetch. I could tell he was hurt as he sat to cradle his arm. Then a young guy went down Uber hard right in front of me.....he was boney.... I heard them hit the floor. After crying a little I walked around to the old man, helped off the floor and got his skates off. He was grateful......also unable to bare weight with his right arm, but relatively sure it wasn't broken. All the while there were two clueless women trying to get him back out there......he was sticking by me.... leaving them again to move his arm in front if needed, and see if broken. I might have fainted if he said it was. The lady in white came and pulled him away. So. Weird.
That was all DD and I could take, so we're in the car...DD texting boy they're over. I know he's crying.
When I get home there's an icky smell in the laundry room....like a wet towel crawled behind the washer to die, which is a problem for me as I can't move the washer without blocking the door we use and it's heavy enough to hurt me if I move wrong. Third problem is I likely can't stop myself from pulling out washer to clean and find smell... I get that from paternal side of family.
:: Mindfully leaving gratitude out of this::..
Ouch.
Lighter
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Wow Lighter what a deluge, practical problems, physical problems, flashbacks, that poor chap at the skating rink and DD ending her first bf. It wore me out just to read it all. I have no idea why sometimes a whole host of crappy things comes at the same time but I do know that numerous small things in quick succession are very stressful and tiring to deal with. Do you need to see someone about your finger, if only to get it wrapped up securely so it can heal but still be protected from being knocked (I find it's not until you try to avoid a certain part of your body that you find out how often you use it in a day). It sounds horribly painful. And as for your ex and those nurses - I am happy to come and slap each and every one of them for you. What disgusting behaviour on all of their parts.
I hope the practical stuff gets sorted and that DD is okay after her break up. I hope the guy at skating is alright, it's such a long way to fall!
And yep, I'm with Hops - sometimes it's okay to look at the sky and shout to the Universe - "You're an arsehole!" It might even make you feel a bit better ;)
Sending fixing, healing, soothing vibes your way. I hope things get resolved (and I hope those nurses learnt something valuable from that shitty way they treated you that day) xx
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Tupp:
DD is mortified in the way awkward teen girls can be. We talked about how the boy would likely react today, but DD said he can be inconsistent. Last night he forcefully took her hand and wouldn't let it go during driver's education class....like 3 hours. She said she used his sweat as lubricant to finally extricate, and oldest DD took her physically away to another seat near her.
The school is on lockdown with law enforcement on campus after a concerning message on the internet. Not sure what that's about. I don't know when that happened....in the last hour, but after drop off. Please God, let it be a prank.
I don't know how boy will behave, but he was snarky and short in final Instagram post last night. DD plans to ignore the break up, and not talk about it. If he does the same, not likely, this might fade into friendship again, which is her hope.
I sprayed oxyclean all around washer area and will deal with it later today. My finger us the only thing slowing my roll, but it's healing well..... I keep antibacterial Band-Aids in place....think of your index finger with a cone....like pets get. I want it dry and healing, not moist and popping open over and over. I might switch soon to polysporin,but so far so good as I found one latex finger balloon thing for showering.
I hope the boy doesn't do something desperate today. He had desperation coming off him last night. It wasn't good.
Lighter
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Update on school situation....switching to a "soft lockdown" according to law enforcement who remain at school entrance and exit.
Kids will change classes, like normal, but everyone on alert. Parents told not to go to school.
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Lighter the school situation terrifies and horrifies me in equal measure, I hope that this situation is resolved quickly but also that a more permanent and meaningful solution is found to stop these things from happening at all. Those poor kids.
I'm glad your finger is healing up; fresh air's always best but not always practical so I'm glad you've got a little finger hat to wear. Hope all the other things are coming good as well.
And DDs (ex) boyfriend - I know how rejection can bring out the worst in someone, particularly teenagers (and some adults who still react like teenagers). I think ignoring it is the best and only reaction for now - any kind of contact or interaction will fan the flames and elongate the problem. You have wise kiddos :) Kudos :) Let us know when they're out of school okay xx
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Tupp:
I drew a smiley face on my finger cone..... it's good.
The school lockdown is over a suspended student, not sure what grade, making threats to another or other students. I have to admit I was relieved no ex boyfriends were involved.... there are 2 in my dd's group as of yesterday. Both boys are the desperate type, but you don't want to think they're the threat making type, kwim?
DD15 will absolutely handle her day, and the boy to the best of her abilities. She's very competent..... very stoic. Can hold her position when everyone else is losing their heads. Tends to make things better, not worse.
The dog just horfed up 2 piles of half digested food. Must clean them and run an errand.
Thanks for chatting, Tupp. It helps.
Lighter
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Tupp:
I drew a smiley face on my finger cone..... it's good.
The school lockdown is over a suspended student, not sure what grade, making threats to another or other students. I have to admit I was relieved no ex boyfriends were involved.... there are 2 in my dd's group as of yesterday. Both boys are the desperate type, but you don't want to think they're the threat making type, kwim?
DD15 will absolutely handle her day, and the boy to the best of her abilities. She's very competent..... very stoic. Can hold her position when everyone else is losing their heads. Tends to make things better, not worse.
The dog just horfed up 2 piles of half digested food. Must clean them and run an errand.
Thanks for chatting, Tupp. It helps.
Lighter
Urgh, pet vomit, I was woken this morning by the sound of the cat barfing all over the carpet lol, I love having a pet but there are times when I think she should live outside :)
Glad situation at school is getting sorted and that smiley face finger cone is in place :)
Always happy to chat, I like to chat :) xx
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Well... I'm in carpool early....time to ponder security on a very personal level at our particular school. I don't want teachers carrying guns, BUT the idea my kid it kids are huddled in a closet waiting to be shot. The only thing that would make me feel better is if an able person had a gun trained on the door should the shooter appear.
That's nonsensical, but there it is. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. We can't put guns in school without creating more problems and possibly solving none. Even law enforcement officers have a high miss rate at target practice. When you're in crisis it gets much worse....some freeze....some might get the weapon taken, which happens to people trained to use guns. No one knows what they'll do till it happens.
So, just found out the student making threats is in custody. I feel very sorry for the certainly shell shocked parents. Maybe they aren't surprised. Will hope it's not a serious threat to do harm. Some kids here hunt, have access to weapons, and that's how they were raised. That's how I was raised. I assume some teachers, under fire, would hand off guns to kids who played video games and or hunted regularly. What a nightmare. But if your kid was huddled in a closet.....
I spent an hour hiking up a mountain, bc the drive was chained, to check out a bankrupt company....my sibling bought a bulldozer, and I found it. Huge thing....keys in it. Thrilling to start it up on the first try. I wish I'd brought water.
This was a strange day.
Lighter
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The story on the threats....
10th grade boy suspended for running during a drug search at school re pot.
He sent a message to two friends, both girls, telling them to stay home, he was going to shoot the school up....he included pictures of his bed with guns.
He's in big trouble.
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I would NEVER wanna "be friends" with someone who forcefully held my hand (definition: against my wishes) for three hours. Make that for three minutes....
:(
I hope she'll stop being drawn to him, see that signal for what it signifies. Boy's got boundary AND anger issues. Doggone it.
I hope all the tumult passes soon and that your finger soon heals, along with everything.
Hops
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Hops:
DD was never drawn to this boy. He's cute, and part of their group....she tried dating, bc she was curious. Her gal pal tried dating at the same time....just to try it.
In both cases the boys wanted to move fast.... I mean hold hands, walk the girls to every class, give pecks on the cheek, and hug. DD's group is full of huggers anyway.....the contact was pretty normal. The boys smothered the relationships. I know you understand how being pushed feels.
The hand holding thing came after a little spat. The boy was hugging DD too close, and often.... against her wishes up to that point at school. DD didn't even text him on weekends....she wanted space, and that made him more desperate. It was a bad recipe.
Yesterday he approached DD once, started three sentences, but trailed off each time. They sat away from each other, and didn't speak, but told no one they broke up. The first person to notice is the boy DD's friend broke up with.
I hope they can all go back to being friends. DD hugs everyone....boys hug each other in their group.... they're really nice kids....
even if there's some kicking rocks, and eating bologna samiches going on right now.
I'm guessing the boy won't be able to learn anything from this. I'm guessing this is what happened with the first two short term relationships where the girls broke up. Interesting no one gossips about them. I assume this will go by quietly too.
My finger is healing well😀
Lighter
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Lighter, forgive my ignorance regarding guns in the States, but how does it all work? Is there no checking or monitoring of who has guns or what they want them for? I don't know much about them at all other than knowing that here there are certain checks and measures (which I think were increased after a school shooting here in the 90s) and that whoever has a gun has to have a licence, they need to be kept in locked cupboards and so on. I hope that recent situation with the boy making the threat has been resolved now (and that the situation with former boyfriend goes okay for D). I think the scary thing is that teenagers can be so impulsive and although they're nearly adults, they still don't have very good coping skills (in some cases). It's just so scary, I hope everyone is okay now xx
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Tupp, in actuality, guns are pretty heavily regulated. Even online or at gun shows - if you're buying a gun, you must fill out a form. That information is then sent to BATFE (Bureau of alchohol, tobacco, firearms & explosives). They cross-reference the personal information with their list of people who have been reported to them, that for one reason or another are NOT allowed to buy weapons. For instance, former felons and anyone with any domestic violence actions/reports against them.
Problems still happen - and people slip through the cracks - because each state has different criteria for reporting people who shouldn't be allowed to buy... and often, those reports aren't made in a timely fashion. This happened in the Texas church shooting. It was the AIR FORCE, of all things, that didn't get this guy's information turned in... so when the form was checked, the agency that says yes/no about whether this person can buy a gun... it said YES.
It's the old data entry problem: garbage in/garbage out.
That's only one glitch. People can and do lie on that form. The gun shop owner has only the person's ID to "verify" who they are. In North Carolina, there is another step in the process. The sheriff must issue a "purchase permit". To get the permit, you will need a notarized affadavit stating you are a person of "sound mind and high moral character". It's kind of an anachonism... and again, it's possible to cheat this too. But the local sheriff really WOULD know if there had been trouble with that individual, if there were any 911 calls related to them.
Now, to conceal carry a handgun... the background check is a LOT more stringent. There is a section where you must provide information if you've been under mental health care - and where, with whom and for what. Any previous legal problems. And all the other categories that can disqualify a person from owning a gun, by law. The sheriff then actually investigates each application and the applicant will be fingerprinted - and those prints will doublechecked against the gun ownership database. This makes it harder to lie. There is typically a waiting period that allows for the investigation to take place, before the permit is issued. It can be a short time, but typically it's 90 days. Longer in some states, and some states set the bar so high, that you must essentially claim and PROVE, that you have an immediate need for self-protection. These permits usually have to be renewed every 5 years.
In NC, there is a short-cut temporary "permit" for victims of domestic violence who are still being threatened actively. So those people can protect themselves, prior to being severely injured or killed even. It happens. Frequently enough, that these cases are seldom headline news anymore.
It gets more complicated than that - but this is the simple primer on what our laws are like. Yes, criminals can still buy a gun on the "black market" - from other criminals. Guns are stolen and then sold. (Mostly to get money for drugs.) And sales between private individuals still happen... but nowadays, the serial number is recorded and unless people are acquainted and friends... driver's license number included on 2 copies of receipts so that the transaction is documented.
So contrary to the internet memes, it's not all that easy to buy a gun in the US. There is a distinct process, that is designed to prevent disqualified people from buying, sellers have to be licensed - online or not; private individuals can only sell a small number before they are required to be licensed; and yet, bad people with evil intent have a lot fewer hoops to jump through. They just need to know somebody who knows somebody who sells guns outside the system. No, they're not nice people either.
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Tupp, in actuality, guns are pretty heavily regulated. Even online or at gun shows - if you're buying a gun, you must fill out a form. That information is then sent to BATFE (Bureau of alchohol, tobacco, firearms & explosives). They cross-reference the personal information with their list of people who have been reported to them, that for one reason or another are NOT allowed to buy weapons. For instance, former felons and anyone with any domestic violence actions/reports against them.
Problems still happen - and people slip through the cracks - because each state has different criteria for reporting people who shouldn't be allowed to buy... and often, those reports aren't made in a timely fashion. This happened in the Texas church shooting. It was the AIR FORCE, of all things, that didn't get this guy's information turned in... so when the form was checked, the agency that says yes/no about whether this person can buy a gun... it said YES.
It's the old data entry problem: garbage in/garbage out.
That's only one glitch. People can and do lie on that form. The gun shop owner has only the person's ID to "verify" who they are. In North Carolina, there is another step in the process. The sheriff must issue a "purchase permit". To get the permit, you will need a notarized affadavit stating you are a person of "sound mind and high moral character". It's kind of an anachonism... and again, it's possible to cheat this too. But the local sheriff really WOULD know if there had been trouble with that individual, if there were any 911 calls related to them.
Now, to conceal carry a handgun... the background check is a LOT more stringent. There is a section where you must provide information if you've been under mental health care - and where, with whom and for what. Any previous legal problems. And all the other categories that can disqualify a person from owning a gun, by law. The sheriff then actually investigates each application and the applicant will be fingerprinted - and those prints will doublechecked against the gun ownership database. This makes it harder to lie. There is typically a waiting period that allows for the investigation to take place, before the permit is issued. It can be a short time, but typically it's 90 days. Longer in some states, and some states set the bar so high, that you must essentially claim and PROVE, that you have an immediate need for self-protection. These permits usually have to be renewed every 5 years.
In NC, there is a short-cut temporary "permit" for victims of domestic violence who are still being threatened actively. So those people can protect themselves, prior to being severely injured or killed even. It happens. Frequently enough, that these cases are seldom headline news anymore.
It gets more complicated than that - but this is the simple primer on what our laws are like. Yes, criminals can still buy a gun on the "black market" - from other criminals. Guns are stolen and then sold. (Mostly to get money for drugs.) And sales between private individuals still happen... but nowadays, the serial number is recorded and unless people are acquainted and friends... driver's license number included on 2 copies of receipts so that the transaction is documented.
So contrary to the internet memes, it's not all that easy to buy a gun in the US. There is a distinct process, that is designed to prevent disqualified people from buying, sellers have to be licensed - online or not; private individuals can only sell a small number before they are required to be licensed; and yet, bad people with evil intent have a lot fewer hoops to jump through. They just need to know somebody who knows somebody who sells guns outside the system. No, they're not nice people either.
Wow, Skep, thanks for explaining all of that to me, it's a topic that is so alien to me it kind of makes my head explode! You look at some problems and think, what's the answer? It's all so scary :(
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Yes, it is scary.
But I look at it this way. There have always been evil people doing bad things as long as there have been humans. I've been studying how the media (tv, radio, internet) subtly manages their coverage/angle of reporting for some years now. I've never ever seen this much trying to divide people, or demean them, or scare the bejeezus out of people. It's like a lot of things are magnified more than they should be and that when you look at all the facts, the context, and gain some perspective... well, things aren't as hateful or violent or chaotic as it seems, given the presentation.
I don't know if they think this will improve their ratings, keep them relevant, or if they really do have a purpose in frightening people and pushing their various ideas/agendas. But I do know how to turn it OFF. And at this point, I'm very very selective even about what I read online.
For me, it's exactly like we've said about Ns. The only way out of their game, to avoid being upset and emotionally/psychologically manipulated is to NOT PLAY. So I don't lend my eyeballs and data to their ratings. This isn't journalism anymore. I honestly don't know WHAT it is.
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Hi Tupp,
My take is that many Americans' obsession with the 2nd amendment is irrational, fear driven, and completely out of whack with the founders' purpose in adding it: for a well-regulated militia. And that many Americans have been brainwashed by manipulative message plus the NRA, which is a terrorist organization in my view.
Think Westerns, cowboys, wars and every sort of macho. Bang bang, cowboy. Nobody NEEDS military-grade automatic weapons and the millions and millions of them littering our country are a symptom of a sick culture.
It's a perverted toxic-aggressive energy that's saturated our society for years (since our genocidal origin) and leads to a lot of stuff (football for kids despite CTE discovery, for example; various unnecessary wars, police brutality, misogyny and rape culture, on and on). I still love every bright and shining ideal I loved about my country as a child. But right now, our ugly adolescence is in painful focus across the planet. We're only 200 years old and are actually an adolescent country.
People from many other cultures come here and are truly shocked by the level of violence in American society. Unfortunately, due to our history and our lax educational systems, we've "normalized" a whole lot of stuff that saner cultures can still examine objectively.
Others' mileage may vary, but I am so so so proud of the Parkland teenagers who are erupting into action, after the adult culture and Congress has abandoned them over and over. For money. From the NRA.
love
Hops
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Just one small clarification on Hops' perspective:
the AR-15 - those ugly black rifles - aren't "automatic, mil-spec, weapons". They are only semi-automatic, which means to fire a bullet, you must pull the trigger - each time.
An automatic weapon functions differently, in that it will fire multiple bullets pulling the trigger just once. These are not commonly available anywhere - and to purchase one requires an application to BATFE with an extra fee for a tax stamp. This purchase isn't possible without a background check by BATFE, sold through a licensed gun shop, and takes time. IE, someone who is permitted to purchase one, isn't going to be ABLE to purchase it without several days (at minimum) delay.
To date, no automatic weapons have been used in any of these mass shootings.
That's all; carry on.
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"Semiautomatic" or "military-style" are correct terms for Cruz' weapon. Another good change would be a ban on large-capacity magazines, which are not needed for home defense. Overkill, ironically.
NYTimes today: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/04/health/parkland-shooting-victims-ar15.html?action=click&contentCollection=Magazine&module=Trending&version=Full®ion=Marginalia&pgtype=article (https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/04/health/parkland-shooting-victims-ar15.html?action=click&contentCollection=Magazine&module=Trending&version=Full®ion=Marginalia&pgtype=article)
At a high school in Parkland, Fla., 17 people were recently killed with just such a weapon — a semiautomatic AR-15. It was legal there for Nikolas Cruz, 19, the suspect in the shooting, to buy a civilian version of the military’s standard rifle, while he would have had to be 21 to buy a less powerful and accurate handgun.
Many factors determine the severity of a wound, including a bullet’s mass, velocity and composition, and where it strikes. The AR-15, like the M4 and M16 rifles issued to American soldiers, shoots lightweight, high-speed bullets that can cause grievous bone and soft tissue wounds, in part by turning sideways, or “yawing,” when they hit a person. Surgeons say the weapons produce the same sort of horrific injuries seen on battlefields.
Civilian owners of military-style weapons can also buy soft-nosed or hollow-point ammunition, often used for hunting, that lacks a full metal jacket and can expand and fragment on impact. Such bullets, which can cause wider wound channels, are proscribed in most military use.
-Note: PROscribed = forbidden, especially by law [opposite of PREscribed]. So even the military restrains these....
This culture is broken by violence and is consuming our young.
-
Oh dear....the beach cottage is such a mess. We arrived, and the electrician began sourcing problems. One leg of service at the meter was completely corroded....he called me over.... I looked. He called contractor over....he looked then CRACK went the deck and we we're all climbing out of a hole. No one hurt, but Lordy such potential! Then we noticed the water line broken by the deck, and the fact all the nails had rusted out....nothing else holding up the deck.
We're taking off all but one small deck to the guest cottage, and closing up the windows and doors on that side too.....all but 2, that is, so every room has a window. The house had three entrances, now we planned 2. The same with the guest cottage.....there were so many windows! We're down to 15 windows, and 4 doors total. Bathroom windows go away, and fans get installed.
I'm excited about big picture windows in the front room...no mullions mucking up the beautiful view.
With that said....this is exhausting, and I forgot just how exhausting it can be. I'm overwhelmed with the paperwork, and logistics..... I was nauseous last night....slept 10 hours, could have slept much longer.
This is a very difficult month coming up, Amazons. I m not entirely sure how I'll get through it, but get through I will, and the cottage will be lovely again.
Lighter
-
Lighter - the mountain always looks bigger before you start to climb it. You'll get there!
-
So, the reason this renovation is so taxing is.... the universe has provided another opportunity for large great growth. I'm working with the same person who did my home renovation.... he looks like my father, talks a lot like my father, holds similar beliefs as my father, and is a self proclaimed "freight train" that will run over people if they don't get out of his way.
SO....
:sigh::..
Lots and lots of opportunity to work on coping strategies. Nothing like it in the whole world, and this time I'll mindfully break old patterns, with all the intestinal force I can muster, under this kind of pressure. The pressure is consistent, unrelenting, and super triggering, btw.
The happy part is he's a genius at what he does, and cares very much about others.... but likely HPD NPD.... conflict oriented attention seeking to my overtly stoic manner.... tends to escalate.... I have to find new ways to handle it. He's uber competent, quick, and frugal.... like he's spending his own dollars. I'm lucky to have his help.... I honestly couldn't do take this project on if he wasn't involved. It's like working on two projects.... my internal world, and a difficult, bordering on impossible, renovation in a third world country where every little thing is 10X more expensive, time consuming, and sometimes simply not doable bc so much planning, and effort goes into the smallest project.
I think we'll both feel like heroes if we pull this off. I think maybe we'll be heroes.
Intend to focus on health, and nutrition... everyone's. I'll be painting both houses, inside and out, by myself. Helping lift beams, remove windows, and replace them. Put up hurricane shutters. The sheer amount of physical work is daunting, esp in that kind of heat and sun. I figure I'll gain some strenght back, not break.
One thing about being in the sun, muscles are happy to stretch and work out. I'm in the zone if I can get to the beach and begin. No struggle to BE there. It's just pulling away from the job, and allowing time for self care in all the chaos.
I'm addressing gratitude, in all it's forms..... and tap, pat, flapping my hands and arms off.
The journey continues.
Lighter
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Oh Lighter, it sounds like so much hard work! Do you have to do so much of the work yourself? Or be there at all? Forgive my ignorance, I have almost no knowledge of refurbing properties in foreign lands. It sounds like a big hassle. As does dealing with the man who is like your father :) Lol.
I hope it starts to unfold okay and that you can get some downtime to process and think (and withdraw a bit). It sounds like a lot of work on all levels. I would be hiding under a bush by now, I think. I hope it is less problematic than it seems to be. Is it a month that you think it will take to get everything sorted? xx
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3 to 4 weeks is likely for the bulk of the big jobs. Then there's triage of smaller projects every visit.
There will be three of us working. I always work alongside and on certain jobs by myself. That's the deal, and I couldn't afford to do this any other way. I want to maximize value, and I enjoy the actual work.
Maybe will become a great rental as BIL has name of stellar property manager on our side of island. Maybe we'll all use it, and build happy memories before it sells.
I do think of this as opportunity to carve out some new brain pathways. I'll be channeling Zen mindfully, and with purpose.
I'm not content to deal with stress the way I always have. I'm highly motivated to make change, bc not finding better ways isn't an option.
This is sink or swim, and it might not be pretty, but I'm going to float and move forward.
I'm wondering what advice I'd give you in this case.
Probably....
Run.
Lighter
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Lol, Lighter, run is exactly what was going through my mind as I was reading it all, just the physical work and coping with the heat would have me running for cover, working on self as well - woo!! But yes, I can see how you can turn it into an exercise and I guess the good thing about physical work is that you can work out anger, frustration, resentment or anything else that comes up as you're going along. I get what you mean about needing new ways to deal with stress. I've had a lot of that going on lately. Maybe this will be your decluttering, of old habits and old ways of doing things? xx
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Someone's blood, sweat & tears is required for the magic to happen at the end of the project, where you can look contentedly at everything and say: Look what WE DID. You're making memories.
And you're missing the coldest March weather I can remember in years, here. Lucky duck you.
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Tupp:
I'm carving new pathways...... and riding the old ones like short tidal waves. I recognize them. Sometimes I can't get off when i want, but I'm aware of them......
and then there's a shift....
sooner or later....
to curiosity, and the emotions quiet into pure attention.
I begin wondering what happened to the other person..... enter compassion. I used to DO this quite regularly. Guess I didn't carve out deep enough grooves in me brain pan. Oh well. Will try adding again, mindfully, and seeing if it removes the triggers or stops the BEING triggered stuff. Wouldn't that be amazing.
When I write about it here I feel very connected to myself, and to you guys.
When I'm listening to you, and the others here, I feel very connected and in the moment. I wonder how I can channel that INTO my brain and being all the time, alone, with a group, or one on one. I know there's a very real shift INTO living in the moment, and then I'm DOING instead of thinking. BEING rather than cycling through anything negative.
As I move through the ZONE, I notice I have my clothes washing machine back...
::hugging clothes washer... putting in another load::..
I notice my lovely clean bedding, and the details that make it lovely.
I notice my lovely moss carpet..... it's CARPET GUYS! It used to be gun shot through with grass and weeds, but it's perfectly carpeting much of my yard now...... I wanted that so much. Now I have it. I'm enjoying it. It's enough, and I look forward to working in it, on it, with it. It brings me pleasure.
Looking up recipe for home ade pancakes this morning for youngest DD.... making the batter.... trading off that duty with oldest dd to take out her Pug...... listening to her happily stirring, and commenting and looking forward to making.
Walking the pug, who really had to go by that time, and so did her business with economy of motion..... very nice. I picked up sticks, looked at the large and small downed branches in my yard, and my neighbor's yards. Looked at the little creek bed I need to clean out. Thought about when I could happily return to that work.... it's a balm in the middle of all the renovation lists, orders, POs, and figuring out how to GET it TO the island. Consolidation paperwork is ongoing.... always adding new venders..... I worry I'll miss large and small things that set us back, and break my heart over and over on this trip. And WILL it break my heart?
I think..... I can always fix that. I shouldn't worry about things I can fix with money. I need to remember what's RIGHT in my life, and stay focused on that.... shift into problem solving mode during planned times only.
I want to LIVE and be PRESENT in a moment that is about abundance, and safety.
I don't want to live in fear, and worry about what COULD happen. IS there a snake under that twig? Maybe. IS there a shark in the water, or is that a different water creature? We're geared to anticipate danger so we don't lose our place on the food chain..... so we don't get crushed by large animals, etc.
I remember the divorce, and what came after.... it FELT like the devil was chasing me. RIGHT ON ME, just behind me, able to touch my shoulder. Other times it felt like I was teetering on a very high cliff, wind whipping my hair into my eyes, nose and mouth..... I couldn't see, and if I shifted at all, I might fall.
I think that was a very real personification of the droning anxiety buzz in my life ALL my life, perhaps most of our lives or all of our lives.... that watchful, fearful reptilian brain at work, hardwired for self preservation, but now unhelpful.... no.... now moving us away from homeostasis. Maybe making it impossible.
I will identify the droning, the buzzing, the teetering, the being chased, and I will calm it with attention, and tame it into calm.
I will identify that calm place, and claim it as my home, where I live, where I will teach my children to live, hopefully.
I can STOP and DO something when I'm overwhelmed. I can stop BEING overwhelmed. It's a revelation to KNOW that is true, even as I struggle, and it goes in and out of focus.... that's how new brain pathways are forged.
I suppose mantras are powerful bc they bring us back to remembering, to our tools, to our bodies, to making changes we've committed to making.
Mantras, meditation..... prayer.... whatever works for'ya..... you (general) put it in place, think about the things that are good and right and lovely in your life, and try to stay there... get back to THERE..... live there most of the time.
I'm grateful to have this board, and you guys... Doc G... as touchstones in my life, bc, truly, these are the kinds of things that ground me in my present moments, and body.
THESE are TOOLS for a good life.
::nodding::.
sKep:
I'm kinda sort near you right now, which means it's not so cold right now. I go back to the island this month, but much to do to get to that point.
Lighter
-
Tupp:
I'm carving new pathways...... and riding the old ones like short tidal waves. I recognize them. Sometimes I can't get off when i want, but I'm aware of them......
and then there's a shift....
sooner or later....
to curiosity, and the emotions quiet into pure attention.
I begin wondering what happened to the other person..... enter compassion. I used to DO this quite regularly. Guess I didn't carve out deep enough grooves in me brain pan. Oh well. Will try adding again, mindfully, and seeing if it removes the triggers or stops the BEING triggered stuff. Wouldn't that be amazing.
When I write about it here I feel very connected to myself, and to you guys.
When I'm listening to you, and the others here, I feel very connected and in the moment. I wonder how I can channel that INTO my brain and being all the time, alone, with a group, or one on one. I know there's a very real shift INTO living in the moment, and then I'm DOING instead of thinking. BEING rather than cycling through anything negative.
As I move through the ZONE, I notice I have my clothes washing machine back...
::hugging clothes washer... putting in another load::..
I notice my lovely clean bedding, and the details that make it lovely.
I notice my lovely moss carpet..... it's CARPET GUYS! It used to be gun shot through with grass and weeds, but it's perfectly carpeting much of my yard now...... I wanted that so much. Now I have it. I'm enjoying it. It's enough, and I look forward to working in it, on it, with it. It brings me pleasure.
Looking up recipe for home ade pancakes this morning for youngest DD.... making the batter.... trading off that duty with oldest dd to take out her Pug...... listening to her happily stirring, and commenting and looking forward to making.
Walking the pug, who really had to go by that time, and so did her business with economy of motion..... very nice. I picked up sticks, looked at the large and small downed branches in my yard, and my neighbor's yards. Looked at the little creek bed I need to clean out. Thought about when I could happily return to that work.... it's a balm in the middle of all the renovation lists, orders, POs, and figuring out how to GET it TO the island. Consolidation paperwork is ongoing.... always adding new venders..... I worry I'll miss large and small things that set us back, and break my heart over and over on this trip. And WILL it break my heart?
I think..... I can always fix that. I shouldn't worry about things I can fix with money. I need to remember what's RIGHT in my life, and stay focused on that.... shift into problem solving mode during planned times only.
I want to LIVE and be PRESENT in a moment that is about abundance, and safety.
I don't want to live in fear, and worry about what COULD happen. IS there a snake under that twig? Maybe. IS there a shark in the water, or is that a different water creature? We're geared to anticipate danger so we don't lose our place on the food chain..... so we don't get crushed by large animals, etc.
I remember the divorce, and what came after.... it FELT like the devil was chasing me. RIGHT ON ME, just behind me, able to touch my shoulder. Other times it felt like I was teetering on a very high cliff, wind whipping my hair into my eyes, nose and mouth..... I couldn't see, and if I shifted at all, I might fall.
I think that was a very real personification of the droning anxiety buzz in my life ALL my life, perhaps most of our lives or all of our lives.... that watchful, fearful reptilian brain at work, hardwired for self preservation, but now unhelpful.... no.... now moving us away from homeostasis. Maybe making it impossible.
I will identify the droning, the buzzing, the teetering, the being chased, and I will calm it with attention, and tame it into calm.
I will identify that calm place, and claim it as my home, where I live, where I will teach my children to live, hopefully.
I can STOP and DO something when I'm overwhelmed. I can stop BEING overwhelmed. It's a revelation to KNOW that is true, even as I struggle, and it goes in and out of focus.... that's how new brain pathways are forged.
I suppose mantras are powerful bc they bring us back to remembering, to our tools, to our bodies, to making changes we've committed to making.
Mantras, meditation..... prayer.... whatever works for'ya..... you (general) put it in place, think about the things that are good and right and lovely in your life, and try to stay there... get back to THERE..... live there most of the time.
I'm grateful to have this board, and you guys... Doc G... as touchstones in my life, bc, truly, these are the kinds of things that ground me in my present moments, and body.
THESE are TOOLS for a good life.
::nodding::.
sKep:
I'm kinda sort near you right now, which means it's not so cold right now. I go back to the island this month, but much to do to get to that point.
Lighter
Lighter, for me trust is the reason I feel connected and in the moment when I write on here. I trust all of you. I trust everyone here to hear me, engage sensitively, to understand or to ask for more information if they don't understand. I don't feel judged here, or like people are trying to second guess me or find a reason to dismiss me. It's the only internet place I don't feel overwhelmed by other people's egos (in fact it's the only place full stop that I don't feel overwhelmed by other people's egos!). Even the fact that Dr G just stays quietly in the background - on a lot of forums moderators or forum owners or whoever is doing the bulk of the work often become a sort of controlling presence - not deliberately, necessarily, but just because they spend a lot of time on there, and the space becomes theirs. But even that doesn't happen here. And that's why I think I can connect and be mindful here in a way I can't in real life because I don't feel like my spider senses need to be even vaguely switched on. Total safety. So maybe there's a hint of that for you? Or maybe not :)
The moss carpet sounds amazing! A living breathing life structure :) Sounds incredible.
I get the thing about carving new pathways. It takes so much time and repetition and sometimes life doesn't allow us that so we fall off and get back on the other horse :) But it's still steps in the right direction.
And being chased by the devil - woo, I get that. That feeling that if you stop for a second or miss one tiny footfall you'll be swallowed up. Horrible and difficult to get away from when it's been your default mode for such a long time. But slowly, slowly. Maybe this beach house renovation will be a catalyst. Stripping away, repairing, replacing, literally and metaphorically. The old pathways coming away with the floorboards. New ones being bolted in to place with the new shutters :) Exciting times. I think what I like are those moments when something subtle happens and you realise you didn't respond the way you used to. Not planned, not practised but just happens quietly. Something has shifted and just lets you know. I like that.
Keep us posted with how it all goes, Lighter, I'm really looking forward to seeing how it progresses. We're all there with you in spirit :) xx
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Tupp:
I'm carving new pathways...... and riding the old ones like short tidal waves. I recognize them. Sometimes I can't get off when i want, but I'm aware of them......
and then there's a shift....
sooner or later....
to curiosity, and the emotions quiet into pure attention.
I begin wondering what happened to the other person..... enter compassion. I used to DO this quite regularly. Guess I didn't carve out deep enough grooves in me brain pan. Oh well. Will try adding again, mindfully, and seeing if it removes the triggers or stops the BEING triggered stuff. Wouldn't that be amazing.
When I write about it here I feel very connected to myself, and to you guys.
When I'm listening to you, and the others here, I feel very connected and in the moment. I wonder how I can channel that INTO my brain and being all the time, alone, with a group, or one on one. I know there's a very real shift INTO living in the moment, and then I'm DOING instead of thinking. BEING rather than cycling through anything negative. You know.... I've heard similiar information for years.... tried to assimilate much of it, lost a lot of it, and re heard it in ways that make more, and less sense to me.
It's the moments AFTER I've experienced huge stress that I remember, go back to, mine my brain, and environment for solutions. When I recognize missed opportunities to apply skills I want to own, and wield on a regular basis, kwim?
As I move through the ZONE, I notice I have my clothes washing machine back...
::hugging clothes washer... putting in another load::..
I notice my lovely clean bedding, and the details that make it lovely.
This morning I'm hustling to shop AC units with the contractor, who's shopped this place before. We're bringing the electrician, and we'll have limited time to make decisions or not. I'm completely calm and looking forward to the morning. I've policed up the kitchen, tupperwared the huge pot of Carrot Ginger soup, taken stock of the damage sourdough wheat bread with dinner DID, and will always apparently DO to me.... toes on left foot cracking, jaw sore, toes on right foot sore... even some that never hurt before..... wheat is not my friend. The point is, the tv is no running interference in the background. I'm OK with silence, and moving through this hour with purpose, and as you say Tupp.... bouncing with energy to Do today. It's nice. I'm glad I notice it, and take it's measure.... why it's here, and perhaps how to sustain it with some regularity. I hope it gets easier, and trust it will with so much darned practice. I feel I practice as I share everyone's journey on the board, just as I note my mistakes and triumphs, attempts.
I notice my lovely moss carpet..... it's CARPET GUYS! It used to be gun shot through with grass and weeds, but it's perfectly carpeting much of my yard now...... I wanted that so much. Now I have it. I'm enjoying it. It's enough, and I look forward to working in it, on it, with it. It brings me pleasure.
Looking up recipe for home ade pancakes this morning for youngest DD.... making the batter.... trading off that duty with oldest dd to take out her Pug...... listening to her happily stirring, and commenting and looking forward to making.
Walking the pug, who really had to go by that time, and so did her business with economy of motion..... very nice. I picked up sticks, looked at the large and small downed branches in my yard, and my neighbor's yards. Looked at the little creek bed I need to clean out. Thought about when I could happily return to that work.... it's a balm in the middle of all the renovation lists, orders, POs, and figuring out how to GET it TO the island. Consolidation paperwork is ongoing.... always adding new venders..... I worry I'll miss large and small things that set us back, and break my heart over and over on this trip. And WILL it break my heart?
I think..... I can always fix that. I shouldn't worry about things I can fix with money. I need to remember what's RIGHT in my life, and stay focused on that.... shift into problem solving mode during planned times only.
I want to LIVE and be PRESENT in a moment that is about abundance, and safety.
I don't want to live in fear, and worry about what COULD happen. IS there a snake under that twig? Maybe. IS there a shark in the water, or is that a different water creature? We're geared to anticipate danger so we don't lose our place on the food chain..... so we don't get crushed by large animals, etc.
I remember the divorce, and what came after.... it FELT like the devil was chasing me. RIGHT ON ME, just behind me, able to touch my shoulder. Other times it felt like I was teetering on a very high cliff, wind whipping my hair into my eyes, nose and mouth..... I couldn't see, and if I shifted at all, I might fall.
I think that was a very real personification of the droning anxiety buzz in my life ALL my life, perhaps most of our lives or all of our lives.... that watchful, fearful reptilian brain at work, hardwired for self preservation, but now unhelpful.... no.... now moving us away from homeostasis. Maybe making it impossible.
I will identify the droning, the buzzing, the teetering, the being chased, and I will calm it with attention, and tame it into calm.
I will identify that calm place, and claim it as my home, where I live, where I will teach my children to live, hopefully.
I can STOP and DO something when I'm overwhelmed. I can stop BEING overwhelmed. It's a revelation to KNOW that is true, even as I struggle, and it goes in and out of focus.... that's how new brain pathways are forged.
I suppose mantras are powerful bc they bring us back to remembering, to our tools, to our bodies, to making changes we've committed to making.
Mantras, meditation..... prayer.... whatever works for'ya..... you (general) put it in place, think about the things that are good and right and lovely in your life, and try to stay there... get back to THERE..... live there most of the time.
I'm grateful to have this board, and you guys... Doc G... as touchstones in my life, bc, truly, these are the kinds of things that ground me in my present moments, and body.
THESE are TOOLS for a good life.
::nodding::.
sKep:
I'm kinda sort near you right now, which means it's not so cold right now. I go back to the island this month, but much to do to get to that point.
Lighter
Lighter, for me trust is the reason I feel connected and in the moment when I write on here. I trust all of you. I trust everyone here to hear me, engage sensitively, to understand or to ask for more information if they don't understand. I don't feel judged here, or like people are trying to second guess me or find a reason to dismiss me. It's the only internet place I don't feel overwhelmed by other people's egos (in fact it's the only place full stop that I don't feel overwhelmed by other people's egos!). Even the fact that Dr G just stays quietly in the background - on a lot of forums moderators or forum owners or whoever is doing the bulk of the work often become a sort of controlling presence - not deliberately, necessarily, but just because they spend a lot of time on there, and the space becomes theirs. But even that doesn't happen here. And that's why I think I can connect and be mindful here in a way I can't in real life because I don't feel like my spider senses need to be even vaguely switched on. Total safety. So maybe there's a hint of that for you? Or maybe not :)
The moss carpet sounds amazing! A living breathing life structure :) Sounds incredible.
I get the thing about carving new pathways. It takes so much time and repetition and sometimes life doesn't allow us that so we fall off and get back on the other horse :) But it's still steps in the right direction. My Mother's Cousin once told me that there are two kinds of people in this world. "Those that think nothing is their fault, and those that think everything is their fault... the second group is easier to fix." I'm paraphrasing here, but that's stuck with me the last 25 years, and there's been truth in that for me. I'm in the second category, and self reflection, of the negative sort, has been my constant companion. I'm trying to lose the judgemental, reactive side of it. I'm trying to just be curious... I say that a lot, I know, but I need reminding. I just do: )
And being chased by the devil - woo, I get that. That feeling that if you stop for a second or miss one tiny footfall you'll be swallowed up. Horrible and difficult to get away from when it's been your default mode for such a long time. But slowly, slowly. Maybe this beach house renovation will be a catalyst. IT will be catalyst, bc I refuse to let this time in my life be ruled by old negative unhelpful habits that rob me of joy. I LIKE my contractor, and he so reminds me of my father, who like everyone else has his strengths, and weaknesses. I'm going to slow down, refuse to react, and really choose my responses with compassion, for myself, and for everyone involved. SO much stress, so much one on one time...... the introvert in me is making peace with that, and figuring out how to handle self care daily, despite what's going on. I don't know how this will go, entirely, but I can tell you it will be with fresh eyes, and mindful responses. ::nod::..Stripping away, repairing, replacing, literally and metaphorically. The old pathways coming away with the floorboards. New ones being bolted in to place with the new shutters :) Exciting times. I'm excited too! Not just afraid, and keeping one step ahead. Excited: ) I think what I like are those moments when something subtle happens and you realise you didn't respond the way you used to. Not planned, not practised but just happens quietly. Something has shifted and just lets you know. I like that. I'm curious what it will feel like to BE mindfully curious all the time. I wonder if it will be like wearing a pretend helmet, and allowing IN only what I choose to let in. Will it be the end of chemical dumps, and emotional negative looping? Lord, I hope so.
Keep us posted with how it all goes, Lighter, I'm really looking forward to seeing how it progresses. We're all there with you in spirit :) xx
My finger completely healed 2 days after I returned from the island. It's hardening where the skin flap got wet, stayed wet, and didn't heal. I ended up cutting it off. I wore the same bandade through the last 3 days on island. Apparently the thing healed from the inside out, which wasn't how I thought it would go, but hey.... it healed. It feels like that, sort of, as I move through this. I thought coping would look different, BE different, include things outside myself, but it's not about that at all. It's internal. It feels like finding fins, or use my paddles.... rudder, whatever, correctly. Not perfectly, but using them WITH the rest of the gear one uses with fins and sails, and paddles and rudders, kwim?
So.
Many.
Moving.
Parts.
I'm not good at multi tasking, never have been. I never got my woman card; )
The journey continues.
Lighter
-
Ahhhh.... practice and opportunity are mine.
The first thing out of the box Sunday I was challenged, but quickly figured out how to notice what came up, shut it down, and go on with my beautiful day. It had to do with trying to dial a phone number while someone was order me to do it, dial it, it's THERE, dial it, do it...... gerrrrr.
Later on I was reminded this won't be easy, and it's not.
It's not just about managing myself.
When the other person goes into a tail spin I have to figure out how to emotionally distance while they spin. I went in and out of distance, and noticed everything turned out OK, like it always does.
I just have to trust, and refuse to spin emotionally too.
This is HUGE for me. To remain centered where I used to spin too.
YES.
Lighter
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Here's to more refusing to spin, Lighter! You sound very focused and aware of what might be happening, what you want to happen, what the old responses are, how new ones might be better. I do think that just having in your mind that you want to notice more, observe, be curious helps us to see things differently. React less, respond more, perhaps? I am learning that I don't have to deal with things immediately. It's okay to put it to one side for an hour, a day, a week - and then deal with it (although I'm sure that won't apply to your practical situations which sound like they need to be dealt with pronto!). But it all sounds good.
I'm astonished at what wheat does to you!! That's such a big reaction, although helpful as a reminder to avoid it where possible. But I hope the unpleasantness of it has worn off quickly. Little steps - physical, emotional, mental health, along with practical work. A big shift coming, it seems, Lighter, I am looking forward to reading the next installment :) xx
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Here's to more refusing to spin, Lighter! You sound very focused and aware of what might be happening, what you want to happen, what the old responses are, how new ones might be better. I do think that just having in your mind that you want to notice more, observe, be curious helps us to see things differently. React less, respond more, perhaps?When I experience an adrenaline dump... an emotional jolt.... anything upsetting.... that's when I keep my mouth shut, and get very curious. First I figure out WHAT just happened, and that seems to be calming all on it's own. Reorienting myself to reach my goals comes next, THEN I respond, and that's so very much better: ) Then I respond with something helpful, rather than emotional negative looping taking over, and coloring my entire day. I am learning that I don't have to deal with things immediately. It's okay to put it to one side for an hour, a day, a week - and then deal with it (although I'm sure that won't apply to your practical situations which sound like they need to be dealt with pronto!). I think pausing for just a moment IS very helpful, Tupp. Maybe HAVING to figure this out with so much pressure is the only way I can learn it? Not sure, but it's a very necessary thing I can't put off. The pressure is the catalyst, otherwise maybe I wouldn't focus so keenly. But it all sounds good. I think it is good. It feels as though the universe is smiling on me right now, in fact: )
I'm astonished at what wheat does to you!! Well, a sandwich from Wendy's once made my throat throw up a bunch of mucus... it just wouldn't stop coming! Not from my stomach, so much, but maybe something my body produced bc I ate it? It was the last fast food anything with bread I ate.... probably 2013..... I was a believer at that point, if my screaming toes and shoulder didn't send a painful enough message. /color] That's such a big reaction, although helpful as a reminder to avoid it where possible. But I hope the unpleasantness of it has worn off quickly. Little steps - physical, emotional, mental health, along with practical work. A big shift coming, it seems, Lighter, I am looking forward to reading the next installment :) xx I'm trying to stretch daily.... not always managing. I try to eat right..... I have to or I'll have big regrets, esp going into this situation.
As the days go by I'm noticing I'm pretty calm. I can do this. I will do this; )
Thanks for the support, Tupp.
Lighter
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Lighter, it almost sounds as though dealing with the cottage on that island feels like forced exile for you. I'm sorry it's so daunting. You are gutsy.
And I totally believe that you'll endure what you have to take care of, and soon be back with the moss and the springtime and find all the order and beauty you can create. You're good at this!
Be sure to tell us when you take off so we won't worry...
love,
Hops
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Here's to more refusing to spin, Lighter! You sound very focused and aware of what might be happening, what you want to happen, what the old responses are, how new ones might be better. I do think that just having in your mind that you want to notice more, observe, be curious helps us to see things differently. React less, respond more, perhaps?When I experience an adrenaline dump... an emotional jolt.... anything upsetting.... that's when I keep my mouth shut, and get very curious. First I figure out WHAT just happened, and that seems to be calming all on it's own. Reorienting myself to reach my goals comes next, THEN I respond, and that's so very much better: ) Then I respond with something helpful, rather than emotional negative looping taking over, and coloring my entire day. I am learning that I don't have to deal with things immediately. It's okay to put it to one side for an hour, a day, a week - and then deal with it (although I'm sure that won't apply to your practical situations which sound like they need to be dealt with pronto!). I think pausing for just a moment IS very helpful, Tupp. Maybe HAVING to figure this out with so much pressure is the only way I can learn it? Not sure, but it's a very necessary thing I can't put off. The pressure is the catalyst, otherwise maybe I wouldn't focus so keenly. But it all sounds good. I think it is good. It feels as though the universe is smiling on me right now, in fact: )
I'm astonished at what wheat does to you!! Well, a sandwich from Wendy's once made my throat throw up a bunch of mucus... it just wouldn't stop coming! Not from my stomach, so much, but maybe something my body produced bc I ate it? It was the last fast food anything with bread I ate.... probably 2013..... I was a believer at that point, if my screaming toes and shoulder didn't send a painful enough message. /color] That's such a big reaction, although helpful as a reminder to avoid it where possible. But I hope the unpleasantness of it has worn off quickly. Little steps - physical, emotional, mental health, along with practical work. A big shift coming, it seems, Lighter, I am looking forward to reading the next installment :) xx I'm trying to stretch daily.... not always managing. I try to eat right..... I have to or I'll have big regrets, esp going into this situation.
As the days go by I'm noticing I'm pretty calm. I can do this. I will do this; )
Thanks for the support, Tupp.
Lighter
I think being able to stop and say nothing when 'things' are going on is such a good skill to have! Yes, I agree, if it's possible to stop, think, work out the whys and wherefores (were they out of line? Am I over reacting? If they are out of line, does it matter? Will it affect things going forward? And so on) it can be so much easier then to deal with the situation or just leave it as it is if that feels better (and sometimes I think we have to concede the battle in order to win the war). And yes, maybe the pressure at the moment will be what forces the change through, as it kind of seems like there's no other option at the moment? A lot of practical work to do and it will only happen if you are able to observe and detach slightly, and change reactions/old pathways etc?
Calm is good. Sometimes I think something inside us knows this is it and it calms us from the inside out. But defo keep away from the wheat! Awful that it makes you feel so poorly so I hope you are able to avoid and I look forward to reading more :) xx
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Ahhh... I'm moving through this weekend like I have emotional training wheels on. A little jerky, but rolling right along.
Everything is about identifying what's going on inside... as things come up. I don't dismiss anything. I honor everything. I remain curious, and attentive.... sometimes I don't have to think about it. It just happens. That's feels great.
One thing that comes up is I sometimes feel I SHOULD soldier through, move faster, accomplish more... as was my habit to dismiss my needs/fears, etc. To be stoic and keep moving, no matter what, is dropping away.
I just did some paperwork today, that usually brings up huge anxiety, and you know what? I picked it up when I was in a good frame of mind, and it was sort of a pleasure to get through it. If there was anxiety I focused on it, and it dropped back and away just as quickly as it came up. I have one more paperworky thing to do, outside the whole renovation stack (that's fairly well organized) and I just did the research and sent e mails to handle that on Monday. No negative feelings about putting it off, which I did. I simply didn't have to deal with it before this, and I chose my mental health over forcing myself. Doing it now is, again, sort of a pleasure, bc I have touchstones for banishing the typical anxiety, shame, guilt spiral I'd usually struggle with. Not this time. I felt OK about putting it off. I felt OK about picking it up. I felt OK about working on it. I'll feel OK about dealing with it tomorrow as well, bc I'll have the documents I need, and honestly...... it's not that big'a deal. It used to feel overwhelming, to say the least, and I understand why that was.... it's just.... I don't want to live that way any longer. I choose not to.
Shifting focus to what's going right is helpful. Stopping and acknowledging anxiety and fear, as they come up, is super helpful. It's like freeing up internal storage space for something new, and I'm going out into the yard to work and celebrate now: )
The next big project is necessary financial planning and perhaps one or two more large projects. My contractor indicated he's willing to consider heading these projects up, and I'm feeling very positive about it.
Lighter
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This was inspiring to me, Lighter.
Hearing how you approach a task when you're just flowing, not judging whether you shoulda coulda woulda.
Thanks for this. You're being so very present in your life.
I'm a million miles from this but recall moments. Want them again.
Hugs
Hops
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Thanks, Hops.
Shoulda, coulda, woulda still presses in, don't get me wrong.
Playing with it, noticing it is interesting.
Catching it, by the scruff of it's neck, before it gets inside my rib cage, is even more interesting.
Lighter
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Lighter, that sounds huge! What a massive step forwards. I recognise the stoicism you describe; that difficulty with just refusing to do/worry/sort out for others. Difficult to disengage from and to separate what must be done and what can be left for another day (or delegated. Or left long enough that someone else does it :) ). To hear you describe seeing it, recognising it and then just letting it be - wow. Huge strides forward. Equally with the paperwork. Do you find all paperwork gives you anxiety now? I find even simple things feel huge. It's because it brings up so many years of fighting on paper, I think. But you sound as if you're putting that into its proper place now - needs to be done, not a big deal, I'll do it when it suits me. Wow. I'm amazed and impressed :) xx
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Ya'know, Tupp..... I didn't used to have anxiety around paperwork. Not like this, anyway.
It used to get done, and I can't tell you if I struggled or not, bc there's no memory of struggle.... there's nothing, outside getting my first mortgage, which was attached to my first divorce, which set the timeline for when the ex left the home...... the stress was the relationship, not getting the mortgage.
So, I've been on hold, twice, for 40 minutes waiting on Ft. Lauderdale Home Depot accounts receivable to pick up. They're busier than any HD I've ever done business with. I can't imagine what their pro desk folks go through. Ours took everything in stride, and seems to have got the job done. Will see when we unpack pallets.
There have been hiccups with shipping addresses.... on everything really. Things exported out of the country, by this shipper anyway, have to have paperwork done just son, and I have to tell you..... I haven't let it shoot adrenaline through me while dealing with it. Even when I receive frantic phone calls designed to panic me.... I just don't. There's crate and freight middle men with broken down trucks, and still.... no blips on my adrenaline radar.
I was picking up sticks and limbs while on hold, and found two piles where people left their dog poop.... and it didn't send me over any kind of edge. I usually DO DO DO.... bag it up, hang the bags so they're visible, leave out fresh bags for people to avail themselves..... put upright sticks around the bags to draw attention, as if the bright blue bags aren't enough, lol. It usually sends me spinning into action...... just short of making signs, and banishing everyone from using my yard as their cut through, which is has been for 40 years. What is wrong with people?
Anyhoo..... I just bagged it up, and kept going. I pick up my dog's poop, I'll pick up other people's poop too. The true test will be when I'm tired, and physically straining then STEP in dog poop, which has happened. The idea of people... US dragging dog poop INTO THE HOME brings up off the charts..... I don't know what to call it. It's probably similar to what I think of, in my brother, as "persnickity." So incensed, am I. Scrub brushes, buckets of hot water, soap, bleach and finally an alcohol scrub is called for, and I'm quite certain I can hear NO ONE while going about that task.
Oh oh.... Pro desk gal just called while I'm still holding for accounts recvbl... now the fridge won't be in on time. Have to figure something else out.... pick one up, crate it and deliver it ourselves after handling same with hurricane shutters.
Oh well.... ::paying attention to stress level::..
still kind of OK.
That the freight company can't guarantee delivery the week I've booked, bc they might deliver to my side of the island, is likely to make a dent in my chill. They said they'd have to deliver the next week if things weren't perfect. I see the forecast has thunderstorms and 15 - 20 mile winds broadcast. I CAN'T BE ON ISLAND WITH NOTHING TO DO. I can't.
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Ah, dog poo, Lighter, we've had the pleasure of running my son's wheelchair through it before now, it is the most vile disgusing stuff and why people can't at least flick it out of the way if they really can't pick it up is beyond me.
It's incredible that you're going through these (very trying) things without getting stressed and I wonder if your sub conscious bit has listened to you saying to yourself that you're going to change your pathways and not react and is just thinking "um, no point doing anything here, she's not interested in playing our old stories any more" :) I do like thinking about the different parts of us having their own personalities and doing their own thing :) It sounds as if you are getting plenty of opportunities to practise not getting stressed and doing a grand job with it!
I hope all the supplies got through okay and that the weather doesn't cause too many problems. It is hard not being able to get on when there's a lot to do so I'll keep my fingers crossed for good delivery weather for you :) xx
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(((Tupp))) and (((Lighter)))
I am absorbing a LOT while reading up on how you each are coping with the ToDos and their various levels of urgency and built-in stress.
I don't have much intelligent to contribute to this (as my To-Dos have devolved a lot and remain unstarted in so many areas)...but just want to say it's really benefitting me a lot to read this.
Thank you both for sharing this stuff. It's daunting but exhilarating to read of your breakthroughs.
Hugs
Hops
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I'm still pretty chill, but notice first reactions as they come up, for instance.....
thjs morning my phone wouldn't dial out in a few cases......
first reaction was MY PHONE's BROKEN, WHATEVER WILL I DO?!?!? ALL IS LOST if my phone won't work!
Second reaction.... maybe it's just the storm... how will that effect my next week, month, rather than gee... I hope everyone IN the storm is safe, and warm, which did come up, but geez.
Third reaction.... Oh well.... will figure it out.
It's interesting I catastrophized it right off the bat....
hmmm..... the phone's working again, and contractor said his was doing the same weird refusing to ring thing too. Will have a working phone with all important contacts in place during trip, whew. I'm relieved bc it's working, and relieved I noticed the pattern, and stopped it before it changed my day.
I picked up a refurbished computer..... bullet proof... very sturdy retro DELL, and I love it. They keyboard is lit, if a little smaller than I'm used to. It's loaded with everything I need, and more. I highly recommend refurbished computers, at least from sellers who do the work themselves, and know what they're doing. This guy had ONE computer when I called, and he's working to wipe two old ones of mine, and install Windows 7.... $50.00 total. What a deal!
I will say this about refusing to spin, and allow anxiety unchecked into my life....
Life is better this way.
I want to this to last.
Lighter
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I'm still pretty chill, but notice first reactions as they come up, for instance.....
thjs morning my phone wouldn't dial out in a few cases......
first reaction was MY PHONE's BROKEN, WHATEVER WILL I DO?!?!? ALL IS LOST if my phone won't work!
Second reaction.... maybe it's just the storm... how will that effect my next week, month, rather than gee... I hope everyone IN the storm is safe, and warm, which did come up, but geez.
Third reaction.... Oh well.... will figure it out.
It's interesting I catastrophized it right off the bat....
hmmm..... the phone's working again, and contractor said his was doing the same weird refusing to ring thing too. Will have a working phone with all important contacts in place during trip, whew. I'm relieved bc it's working, and relieved I noticed the pattern, and stopped it before it changed my day.
I picked up a refurbished computer..... bullet proof... very sturdy retro DELL, and I love it. They keyboard is lit, if a little smaller than I'm used to. It's loaded with everything I need, and more. I highly recommend refurbished computers, at least from sellers who do the work themselves, and know what they're doing. This guy had ONE computer when I called, and he's working to wipe two old ones of mine, and install Windows 7.... $50.00 total. What a deal!
I will say this about refusing to spin, and allow anxiety unchecked into my life....
Life is better this way.
I want to this to last.
Lighter
Refurbs are the best, Lighter, I just bought my son his own laptop (we've always shared before but I thought as he's 16 he should have his own now) and I bought him a new one, absolute pile of rubbish, sent it back the following day and bought him a refurb from the same place I got mine, much better spec for less money, sturdier and stronger and powered up straight away without any problems. The new one took ages to go through set up and then kept going through it, it had a very noisy fan, kept flashing an error message saying there was no power supply (all plugged in, no loose bits) and just felt very flimsy. Refund on way :)
Good to read that you noticed the reaction before reacting to the reaction :) I think that's the bit, if you can catch it, question it a bit and then work out a new or different way to deal with it. I think there's always more pressure in a situation like yours where you have a limited amount of time to get things done and various strands that may or may not cause problems. Lots of balls up in the air. But great that you saw what was going on and then it seemed to fix itself anyway :) Fingers crossed for more of that :) xx
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Tupp:
I'm more and more impressed with this refurb computer by the hour. It IS sturdier..... a Dell Latitude.... semi rugged business computer.... and it did start right up.... no problems, no adverts, nothing missing or in need of attention. Will likely download some Malware and keep moving. Will take it with me, I'm feeling so good about it. I was sharing a taped together computer with oldest dd. The screws come out of the corners, then the thing starts coming apart. Then there's tape, and eventual sparks.... sometimes it's the charging ports. This computer has the charger in the back... not sure how that will work out, but it never goes well on the side charging ports for us.
Figured out how to download printer software. DD17 helped, and it went smoothly. The mouse has fancy arrows I'm still getting used to, but all is well.
Can't wait to get my other computers back working for 50.00.... what a deal. I don't think I'll have to purchase any computers for a very long time.
The snow largely missed us... I can see snow, but it's not covering the roads.
And... amazingly.... my contractor is bringing up how to collaborate, rather than argue.... he's motivated to problem solve before trouble begins! I'm bursting with goodwill, and gratitude. I can't explain it, but something shifted, and his energy is so much better. He's a dear man with so many gifts, and growing resilience in his life means more peace, more joy for him. He deserves it.
Tupp... for me "noticing" negative feelings before they carry me away actually dispells them. Sometimes I figure out what exactly the feelings are, or what brings them up, but it's usually an uber simple process without much thought at all. Very strange.... so simple.
We're surfing real good right now, Tupp: )
Lighter
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Well.... I'm feeling giddily sick as I prepare the house for departure. So many things out of my control. The girls have to grow up a bit.... they're almost adults and I fret like they're still small. This trip will be good for all of us, me'thinks.
It looks like all the shipments... most of the important ones, have arrived at warehouse or here. I'm trying to figure out whether to rent a truck, or a trailer and bring my own truck. Parking will be a problem while I'm gone.... 20.00 dollars a day in some lots... 10 in others. That's insane when you're looking at a month. Heck. Maybe we'll fly back home, so renting looks better this morning. We can take as much luggage as we want to pay for on that particular flight. Just doing the math in my head.
Math isn't a strength: )
I'm very sleep as I go about my morning ablutions. Coffee. Give. Me. Coffee.
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So.... noticing HUGE stress, and I've made a point of seeing chiropractor to keep self care moving along before industrial month of more stress with huge physical activity on top.
The Fridge wasn't delivered yesterday at 8am, bc Sears showed up after 4pm.... THEY WERE SCHEDULED FOR A 2 HOUR WINDOW FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, and it was on the form to deliver between 8 and 4pm Mon ......
::smoothing blouse::..
so it's re scheduled fo rMonday instead of Tues, which was what a text said without saying WHY it was rescheduled... their fault, not bc of something to do with not deliverying to warehouses with loading docks, which was my fear, of all things, and
::smoothing blouse again::..
I notice how quickly I get upset, and more importantly, how quickly it goes away, and I get on with the business of rememdying situations... not dwelling on them, or transferring agression instead of problem solving. This is such relief, and I say this as Nana called at the same time I was dealing with Sears to say my father's headphones weren't working... neither one... and I suggested she check the batteries, rather than driving 2 hours to handle it myself, and POOF! She changed the triple A batteries and they were miractulously fixed without my muttering all the way there, and back to change batteries myself.
This is good bc I tend to just DO things for people, instead of guide and teach them to DO for themselves. I didn't feel anything about it... just a calm expectation that she'd handle it, and all would be well. Typically I'd spin thinking about my mostly deaf father going without the ability to hear the TV, which is his life at this point, and it would be all despair and trauma thinking about paperwork over warranties, finding said paperwork, and trying to handle it from out of the Country while father...
::smoothing blouse again::..
And I can honestly say that not knowing how I'll get to the port today.... renta;? My truck? Not sure, but it isn't bothering me right now to NOT know. I believe it will work itself out, and I'm confident it will be in the best possible way.
Now, to call the freight company and have them delivery my load next week.... they can deliver my container anytime over the next month the weather suits them. All will be well there too: )
This being able to sooth myself stuff is SO much better.
Lighter
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We're a day ahead with our schedule this morning, I'm well rested and on top of things.... relatively speaking......and then the Sears delivery people called.
What's going right?
Kids to school on time. We're loaded..... Shutter place is on our way. Life is good: )
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Wow, Lighter, what a busy few days, so much going on and all being dealt with, it seems!
Yes, making suggestions to people instead of doing it for them - some tasks are so simple. I've lived on my own for so long that I can cope with most household situations now. It amazes me that other people can't, simply because they haven't had to. So good for you to save yourself the driving and good for her to now have another bit of knowledge up her sleeve :)
What happened about the fridge, did it not arrive again? xx
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The fridge made it BUT they jerked me around....said couldn't promise, then delivered. They only run deliveries to Ports 2 days a week, bc it sometimes takes hours for one delivery...huge PaiTA for them.
Anyhoo, we're on the island, and things got heated the first evening, then the next morning, then one little bobble today, but I ignored it. I'm honestly flummoxed by overt drama, and chaos manufacture. Accepting there's nothing to be done is a relief, and after ,there's been productive dialogue. Enough to give me hope we'll get through this.
Thank God we didn't receive the freight on time is all I have to say. I'm sure I would have blown a gasket if I had that on my on top of me.
What's going right.....
The living room, dining room and kitchen areas are cleared out, spic and span and ready to go.
The shower drain was snaked and cleared, then bleached. We keep leaky coolers in there now.
The toilet has water hook up, whew. No more carrying buckets of water.
I Have air Conditioning I'm my private space!
We've improvised food prep with a hot plate, and hastily purchased set if pans.
We're catching fish off our beach, and I have a knife.
We improvised a fire pit from a grill top and blocks....very nice.
The boys built a lovely outdoor shower enclosure from the torn down deck boards. Looks great....love it.
We have a solar shower bag, so warm water showers are ours! Yes.
Hopefully we can get the new tiny fridge working tomorrow. Daily ice runs, and living out if coolers is something I'd rather not have to do much longer.
I've been piling rocks into cracks in my seawall....it requires heaving them up and over 5 or so feet if wall. My back is holding out.....feels fine, really.
The ocean, finding shells, picking rocks is replacement for moss farming right now. We're right at the ocean edge....so loud waves crashing. The moon's almost full....very bright.
One of my companions perfoms daily rituals with candles and blessings. We'll share a ritual at some point.... I think I have a ghost, besides this place being a time capsule from 14 years ago.
Finding youngest DD's ducky blanket unhinged me, where..tiny shoes and sarongs failed.....my husband's gray tee shirt.
About the ghost...has anyone ever been hit with water in a very dry area....out of the blue....no water source around? This time it was two handfulls....all down my back and left arm. Ive encountered little spritzes in the face before, but...this was down the wall....on the floor....delivered with force. I could see the precise direction it came from, based on the shape if the drops. There's nothing in that corner....it came from high up...above my head. Very odd.
The journey continues.
Lighter
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Glad you made it there, Lighter.
Sorry the first night was full of spats.
Glad you found yourself again in shells and rocks.
Sorry there's so much work ahead.
Glad you have companions with you.
Sorry about unexpected mementos and what they recall.
Glad you have a ghost?
Sorry the ghost has a dribble problem?
Laughter. When are the board games and laughter?
love
Hops
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Hops:
If there's a ghost, he's the least of my worries. And I have some rather large worries at the moment.
On the upside, we cooked a chicken in foil over charcoal grill last night with Spanish seasoning, potatoes, peppers and carrots...was so good I couldn't stop eating.
We also had a fire, beach chairs pulled around it, and the waves breaking 20 feet away. You'd think it was paradise.
Hops, did you read the book or see the movie Life of Pi?
Remember when Pi lived on the boat with the tiger? All the fierceness, the pitifulness, the aggression of the tiger... the walking on eggshells Pi did to get through his days.....
I think I'm Pi AND the fish the tiger needed to live. I'm feeling very thin....like I'm disappearing.... there's not enough of me to do this job maybe, under the circumstances. I'm reminded of times I had to believe I could control other people's behavior.....even though it was impossible..... I can't of course, but every terrible bobble I'm deeply shamed I failed....that I will fail again. Escalations in hostilities are shocking. Perhaps inevitable.
Ahhh.... I have to get more yummy chicken marinade soon.
::Shaking head::.
So.
Not.
Ok.
I need an Amazon bonfire, and Amazon spirits by my side.
Picturing that actually bucked me up.
:: Sigh::
Time to start another day. I wonder what fresh event will take place today.
Lighter
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Lighter, the food around the camp fire, the waves crashing under moonlight, the warm showers and working toilet all sound idyllic. The rest of it is making my head spin just reading through it. Big project, lots of people, egos - I honestly think the world would be a completely different place if there were no such thing as ego - and memories - baby blankets and hubby's old shirt. Wow. So much going on on so many different levels.
All I can say is you're smart. You know which things are important and can't be left/delegated/patched up and which things can be put to the end of the list. You can speak, or stay quiet, depending on what works best for you when others are kicking off. Survival mode - this is what I need to do today. This is who will help. This is who will hinder. You don't need to be perfect all the time. It's okay if you lose your shit, too :) With you in spirit, Lighter, I really wish time travel were real and I could pop over to help you guys out from time to time and vice versa. Wouldn't that be amazing :) I hope it's manageable. Or bearable, whichever is more realistic. Keep us updated :) xx
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(Tupp)). I always feel better when remembering to use you guses filters.
Remembering to channel curiosity helps a ton lot.
:: Nodding fiercely::..
And acceptance.....
Yup yup yup.
Lighter
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I ditto what Tupp said about perfection, Lighter.
If your goal is to ready the place to sell, maybe it can have compromises that you could live with.
I would bet a month's wages that whatever you've come up with is going to be charming, beautiful, comfortable and extremely appealing to the right buyer.
If I understood that right.
I might've gotten confused about the purpose, but I think of your work right now as repairs and then staging?
Peace with the people, Light. It'll help.
You'll make it in one piece. Them too.
love
Hops
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Lighter, one thing I've learned is that a "perfect" project can be put down on paper, scheduled, and envisioned in my head... and when we get to the actual "doing"... things just come up.
Things that mean a compromise to the plan.
Things that make what sounded simple, difficult - and take twice as long as expected.
Things that are wonderously BETTER than I could envision.
Things that are unexpectedly emotional; or delight me so much my feet don't touch the ground.
That is the nature of ADVENTURE, versus undertaking a "project". Allow space in any plan for all kinds of unexpected things, always. These can't be foreseen ahead of time; have to be "surfed".
Once the adventure actually begins - no one is in "control", although ironically you'll be expected to pronounce tiny, important, and huge decisions along the way. Even though it tends to be foreign to our ways of interacting with people... the contractors ARE working for you and expect you to tell them what to do. They want to make sure you're happy, with the choices they see in front of them... and so they make us responsible for picking.
After going through that (again) last summer, one learns that "being in control" isn't all it's cracked up to be. LOL. But I have to say - with another inch of snow on the ground this morning - and almost constant wind all winter long - that my vision for the living room, the work done on the house/functional changes, were all good choices. So far, everything I've completed has helped keep it warmer in here... looks cozy... and works for me.
But remember that I lived with the whole top 8 -10 ft of my west wall open to the sky for a week, while they removed the old windows and sided, inside & out, & insulated. And I still have the ugly old polyurethaned slate floors... but by some miracle, the rugs I moved with a) fit the space OK, and subtly blend in and camoflauge the slate some. Those shades of gray one sees nowaday in the home furnishing/design magazines is the perfect "transition" between the earth colors in the floor and the wood walls... providing a "smoothing out" effect of the previous contrast; a unifying and quieting stillness.
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(Tupp)). I always feel better when remembering to use you guses filters.
Remembering to channel curiosity helps a ton lot.
:: Nodding fiercely::..
And acceptance.....
Yup yup yup.
Lighter
(((((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))
Something I'm finding I can do more now - whether to myself or others - is notice what's going on and not feel I need to be the one to sort it or fix it. It's a tricky one; some people are more inclined to fix than others and there are times when other people's inability to speak up or act drives me nuts. But yes, I am finding that this technique that you mention of noticing, observing and accepting "Oh! Mr W is getting very angry over very little. There must be something else going on with him. Oh, look at that flower, how pretty". Wouldn't it be great to be able to do that every time :) Sending you observing rays, insulation from drama and getting the work done thoughts in abundance :) xx xx
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Lordy, I was a little shocky when I wrote that post, guys. I'm calmer, but worried my freight and container won't go tomorrow, bc of some missing invoices..... I think Amazon puts them inside the boxes? I feel my heart will actually explode if it doesn't go this week. Hard to breathe thinking about it.
About perfection.....
I'm just hoping for movement forward.
Anything forward at this point will do.
Anything.
And yes, Tupp....being curious is a shift in perspective that helps a lot. It's helped me make it through this day.
Nite, guys.
Light
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Lordy, I was a little shocky when I wrote that post, guys. I'm calmer, but worried my freight and container won't go tomorrow, bc of some missing invoices..... I think Amazon puts them inside the boxes? I feel my heart will actually explode if it doesn't go this week. Hard to breathe thinking about it.
About perfection.....
I'm just hoping for movement forward.
Anything forward at this point will do.
Anything.
And yes, Tupp....being curious is a shift in perspective that helps a lot. It's helped me make it through this day.
Nite, guys.
Light
Did things go, Lighter? Hope it went through okay. I find that inability to control others and other components very difficult to manage when it's something that's essential and when you have many things that kind of link together and have a domino effect, whether for good or for bad. I hope something moved in the right direction at least. Let us know. I've been thinking of you xx
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Things are going.... shipping today...arriving tomorrow. Will be a marathon day dealing with customs on one island then receiving freight and container on another, unlaoding and moving a quarter mile down the road with 4 other pallets on a flat bed trailer with a forklift following behind? And two short hours to move and place the very full, has to be unloaded container. Yesterday was about finding wifi, then sending e mails, then walking 1/4 mile to get phone service and discuss same. I thought my heart would explode.
I'm sure I LL be surprised at every turn, bobbing and weaving, solving problems on the fly this entire safari.
My sister and youngest dd arrived yesterday afternoon. I'm so happy they're here!
My brother just called, and my father had a stroke thus morning. I was in California when he broke his leg. Why am I always so far away at these times? I'm always two hours or less away.....but when disaster strikes..... And my sister this time. I need her so much now. My father needs us.
It's funny how my mind goes to what the adult s in my life did in times like this.
Lighter
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I'm so very sorry about your father, Lighter....
so shocking and difficult to be at a distance.
There's no why to it, no something you coulda, shoulda, woulda...
I hope when you can you'll update us,
without adding to your stress. I assume you're
on your way home. Will be thinking of you today.
It is so hard to get that kind of news. Nobody can
hold back Nature...we just distract her for a while.
Be kind to yourself, and little girl Lighter, especially.
(((((Lighter))))))
love
Hops
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Thanks, Hops.
I can't go home yet.... I'm the consignee and no one can collect the freight but me.....it arrives tomorrow, and gets released on Friday. I'm half wishing I'd never started this project.
Now that father's attached to a ventilator, I'm particularly prickly about being extorted by the little people in positions of authority..... yesterday the marina manager used emotional terrorism as his way of collecting a landing fee.
He pretended he didn't know the freight company was scheduled to land at his marina, said they certainly could not and instructed me to plan for a Landing on the other island... blathering on about insurance and potential damage to other boats....
I called the freight company and she said the marina manager was happy about my delivery and jumped on the wagon with their own shipment of cargo landing at their marina too.
She said he said he told me about the landing fee,....he did not. He mentioned one was not in his hand by way of explaining no freight delivery was or could be scheduled. I'm so not in the mood to be terrorized and threatened right now.
I'm wondering if it would be cheaper financially and emotionally to go to the other island with the freight.... I'm so angry at this horrible man! The locals hate him.... he's operating like a criminal, and my father lays dying.
The idea we'll have to have to unhook him from the ventilator is horrifying. He never wanted that....wrote a living will to ensure it didn't happen to him.
I can't go until this delivery is done and every day there's a new link to overcome. Mr. Marina also said his forklift is down....another lie....and that insurance wouldn't let him loan it out anyway.....all the other marina staff said it could and have planned on it, btw. That's the next hurdle....getting the container off the chassis in a two hour span of time on Friday. The whole of Thursday will be paying up to 45% duty on the freight.... I missed the March cut off for hurricane relief programs....and this heavy equipment dilemma.
The good news is....once the freight is here I have competent folks here to deal with it. I can go home, and be with my father. The doctor said he has a large bleed in the left side if his brain.....gives him 1% chance. I'm not sure for what. Life? Recovery? He's already partially paralyzed....it can't be recovery. He's unresponsive. He coughs and grimaces....it must be terrible. His paralysis makes it difficult for him to cough on a good day. I'm so sad I'm not there, even if he can't hear me.
I'm so tired, and there's so much to do.
Lighter
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Oh my gosh. You're being extorted. "Money's not in my hand..." What a jerk. I hope there's someone ABOVE the marina manager you can talk to. Somebody owns the place, and a customer spelling out exactly what their manager is doing might be eyeopening.
If you are your father's Healthcare Power of Attorney, can you direct doctors to unplug your dad? I Taking out the tube isn't horrifying, it's peaceful. It gives him peace. You can, if it feels right to you, ask for his. Then they can give him "comfort measures only." Release.
SO hard on you to not be able to be there, but this is what is happening. It will be okay. You will be okay.
Can you take a few minutes to stand on the beach and telegraph your love and farewell to your father?
love
Hops
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Lighter that man doesn't just sound like a criminal; he is one. Pirate variety. In your situation, you have two feasible choices - pay the extortion, if you can - to free yourself to travel. Or fight him... and then, I'd advise you to step out onto that beach FIRST by yourself, accept what you can't change... feel all those feelings... including the calm that will come with knowing what you "must do" after all that... and then, give him hell.
Don't waste time trying to figure out a way around him. Pick one of two choices. If you choose to pay him, understand that this is a "tried & true" way of the world and has always been this way. You by yourself aren't going to change that.
This level of stroke is rarely survivable. That's blunt; and I'm sorry for that. But you're in a time-critical situation and need to know that. Blessings my dear... and whatever you choose... us Amazons will keep the bonfire going for the moment when you can stop "doing" and just be.
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Ok.... I found an ally at the marina yesterday. I remembered him, and went straight to him yesterday morning. He solved several critical issues, and is dealing with the criminal accountant terrorist.....person.
The extortion is happening, just buffered and delivered by different people which brings up less fear.....and hate.
My father's breathing on his own now......comfort levels in place. I'm a bit of a mess, on and off. Certain conversations with certain people bring on tears, and my poor DD 15 gets carried along, at points, in my sadness....weeping. This is me mourning, and she's trying to be stoic, for my sake. I'm stoic, just bc there's so much to do, then I'm rocking. Sometimes in public.
Again...... The introvert in me flails, then goes to sleep early. Wakes too early. Sleeps again.
I'm badly in need of a hot shower, which I'll take at the marina first thing in the morning. The freight arrives sometime around 9 at the ramp. I plan to take a high protein breakfast, strong coffee, and a tiny green nerve pill at the far end of the marina.....then I'll walk to the ship.
What's going right in my life.....my sister and DD15 are amazing, and steady me.
The weather is perfectly calm, and mean I move forward with this huge, ungainly project.
There's another freight company opening up next month on this island.....the owner is my ally, and took me on his borrowed golf cart around the other island yesterday, helping me navigate problems, and presenting as excellent property manager. Such relief, I can't tell you.
Lighter
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Oh whew, Lighter.
I'm so glad you found some more supportive people there.
Is the second island just where the property manager guy lives?
I get very confused about where. But it doesn't matter.
I'm glad things are going better and good for you for seeing it all through.
Glad your dad is off the ventilator.
xxoo
Hops
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Is this a good sign that they've taken off the ventilator, Lighter? I mean, why did they think it was necessary in the first place? As a "just in case" until they had a more complete picture of the stroke?
Guess I'm confused a little.
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Dad put on ventilator bc they didn't know extent of stroke at the time. Once they knew the decisions were made for removal, but wanted to get his children's input first.
Dad receiving morphine....breathing slowing down. All monitors in room turned off, but nurses can see vitals in their control room. Very clean, we'll run hospital sibling says.....last night shined light into Dad's eye, and there was zero pupil response. He's already gone....been gone since night of the 3rd I think.
Customs agents at house so I have to run and see where we are in that process.
DD15 sleeping through this freight moving.... experience.
The journey continues.
Lighter
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Hugs Lighter! I'll gather up some more bonfire wood.
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Thank you, Amber. The warmth of Amazon fires warms my heart and bones.
I'm so grateful to have your input.
Lighter
-
Yesterday morning was a sad wait for my Father's final breaths. They came in the early afternoon. He was comfortable. His long struggle ended.
I slowly moved through my day reviewing video of pallets off loaded from ship to determine where my missing pallet might be, if it's anywhere. I resist panic when my contractor spins. I feel insulated, and unmoved. It is what it is. We'll deal with it. It's just stuff.
In the meantime four windows were replaced during pretty high winds yesterday. The house was opened up with new very clean glass.....looking at the Atlantic made my stomach flip, it seemed so close it would roll right in. Yesterday morning most windows were still shuttered, dirty with dark brown frames. When I returned to the house in the afternoon the ocean side of the house view was all blue blue blue sky and water.....a striking difference....took my breath away.
I worked for hours picking up and dealing with trash....a run to the dump on the golph cart....some areas of road are trash free and some a disgrace on this side of the island. I wanted to clean everything up. Had to settle with most of my property, then walked into the ocean to wash very dirty clothes.
It was after5 and the surf was breaking over the rocks on the beach. I had tidal pools to choose from, then put clothes up and stretched. It was the first time I really processed losing my father. So many memories, disjointed, one after another. Stretching turned into a workout, which turned into beachcombing, into a visit with the lovely neighbor from across street at the end of the drive, and her adopted neice. They just say niece.... typically. Not adopted.
I really like this woman, her values, and drive. She's a hard worker, and I think we'll do business. I think we'll also be good friends.
DD15 is flailing a bit with her Grandpa's passing, and the adult stress and activities.....she napped for hours, then couldn't sleep....we had a long talk after dinner, and I stayed awake as long as I could. She's sleeping now. Will likely sleep in, again....hours upside down over spring break. Won't be good when she's back to school next week.
I want to do something with her before she leaves. Something she'll remember. She said she loves it here....she wants to come back with friends over the summer. I'm glad.
I have to do something with the seawall before next hurricane season. Rebar, and concrete, and preserving what's there before it tumbles into the ocean like my neighbor's front porch last hurricane season. I don't want the vinyl seawall.
The journey continues.
Lighter
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I'm very sorry, (((((Lighter))))).
Glad he is at peace and glad you are in a beautiful place with room for grief.
Love,
Hops
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Hugs lighter. You're right - about the "stuff". We'll be here. I might even get to see the sun this morning! LOL.
How far from the cottage is the seawall?
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Lighter, I can't believe so much has happened in such a short space of time, I'm so sorry to read about your dad and that it's happened at a time when you were already dealing with so much. I'm glad that he isn't suffering but it's such a loss. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry too about that a hole at the marina; I hope an opportunity comes along to watch him fall overboard or something :)
I'm glad that something tangible happened with the refurb yesterday. That view of the Atlantic sounds incredible. I'm glad it was there for you, with the ocean to help you soothe you after such a long and difficult few days. D will sort her sleep out soon enough; I think those routines like school just force us back into our old habits. She'll be okay. I hope some of the other practical issues get sorted out so you have less to deal with. I'm so sorry this is all happening at the moment and wish I could be there with you right now xx
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Thanks Tupp, Hops and Amber.
I'm at Ft Lauderdale airport waiting for sis and DD....we have evening flight together.
Very hungry but have to go through security to get food.....phone very unhappy after salty bump in the Atlantic surf. Can't make calls. Doesn't hold a charge well. I'm sitting on floor against a pole with a plug.......by the time I get food there won't be much will power, I'm guessing.
And I did enjoy the ocean..... memories with my dad.... I felt him with me at times, and it was good.
Cement pole hurting my back. I'm going to have to eat. Will post again after.
::Hoping I dont look like the Fantastic Mr. Fox eating:..
Probably will.
Lighter
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I'm so glad the island ordeal is over for now, Lighter.
And that you carved out some beach-peace for yourself and your dad, regardless.
I'm glad you're going home and that the girls have been with you.
Wishing you could snatch some sleep on the flight. You must be exhausted.
Travel safe, dreams intact, adrenaline fading...
Hops
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Hope you got some food and some sleep, Lighter, what a time it has been. Hope the journey home was a smooth one xx
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Welcome home Lighter. Wish it was under better circumstances but life is a full circle journey. And we can mourn the losses right beside rejoicing in the love laughter and understanding of the person who's finished their journey.
Time to just do that.
Everything else can wait.
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So, I was at the airport, enjoying the best mixed baby green salad of my life, topped with at least 5 dollars worth of perfectly plump walnuts topped with blue cheese, and cranberries, and cucumbers and fresh tomato topped with 2 of the best Shula burgers of my life, topped with carmelized onions and mushrooms..... mixing flavors and textures and condiments, and oh my.... I forgot the side of potatoes....remember I said I'd likely have zero willpower.... fried.... perfectly crisp, topped sometimes with blue cheese and ketchup, sometimes with mayo, sometimes with just ketchup.... playing with flavor and texture combinations, as I said.... ready to weep over the abundance of yummy produce and products available in the States..... when everyone's phones went off bc of a tornado warning. Very alarming, bc dd and sis were preparing to board a small seaplane, and we were going to board a regular flight in a few hours.
This was the beginning of a very confusing 8 hours.
So, I ate myself into what should have been a coma, and still had enough for 2 more meals, when dd's flight was diverted to Miami, and 2 tornadoes popped up almost on top of Fort Lauderdale airport..... we were instructed to get away from the wall to wall windows and run to the inside of the building. I, at one point, was the only person heading INTO the dust storm running down hallways and into my eyes and face as I headed to safety. I was joined by a lovely young woman from Alaska, heading to the ladies room. I joined her while we both marveled at EVERYONE else heading TO the windows. I was reminded of instructing children.... tell them what you want them to do, not what you don't want. DON'T RUN INTO THE Street, and they go right into the street. Every time. That what these travelers were doing..... really.
So, a nice lady from the United counter joined us eventually, and showed us a very frightening picture of one very large, in my opinion, tornado followed by a smaller one..... right at the airport. I think it did damage to Fed Ex trucks, etc..... at one point it felt like we were in the Wizard of Oz... wind wipping things around in the air outside the glass..... all that HUGE wind INSIDE the building where it was supposed to be safe. On reflection, I think I should have helped people with young children and elderly TO safety WITH me. Now I know what I do in that situation. I go to safety, and I follow directions. I bond with like minded people, and hunker down responsibly. I do not run around and play hero.
::nodding::.
Not sure how to feel about it... just information I guess.
Let me get one thing straight... I think Allegient Air has a training issue. I couldn't get a straight answer about flights and delays until we were in the air 5 hours late..... I didn't get home till 2am..... so many laughable contradictions from the Allegient staff....
"First off, your destination airport can't shut down tonight until all flights are in, but if they do, we'll notify you." That kind of stuff, and people were just laughing at that point. It was like a stupid dream.
SO many babies... little girl babies learning to walk in pink tu tus.... chubby little girl baby reminding me of my neice... smiling and laughing and waving.... so cute I wanted to eat her with a spoon. So many little children, and that's all I want to say about that. This was one of the nice things about the wait and day, in general. All the little babies. One of the not so nice things.... seeing people in wheelchairs.... pushed by unsmiling hampered people... sometimes other elderly people, spouses I assume....
I
do
not
want
to
end up
pushing
or
occupying
said
wheelchair.
::Shaking head::.
No. I do not.
I'm grateful to be home. Grateful to wake my sleepy oversleeping children for school. Grateful to clean out the rice maker my oldest let ferment and turn to soup.... grateful to re wash my white comforter that soured in the wash machine, grateful to walk the pug, and check out the lovely moss carpet. I can't believe how it's come together.... except there's so many hours involved... it had to.
There was no choice.
I'm grateful to be home home home home home home home.
::hugging mug of coffee happily to chest::.
Next on list... figuring out sea walls. Mine is crumbling into the Atlantic. I've seen 3 kinds of sea walls... the one I believe I need is the cement kind with knees and fiberglass re bar.... picture a fortress, and you've about got it right I should think.
I have no idea how much that is, but will find out.
Theres a boxed vinyl sea wall, and a corregated one. I have a heavy equipment operator... the one who moved my container, willing to use left over corregated I believe, to do a quick sea wall.... not sure how much, and I see it as likely to erode my beach as it's installed, nad do nothing to retain it during a hurricane as it's unlikely to be driven into anything but sand at that point, and from what I've seen of the material, which honestly, is left overs from a different kind of wall. I guess they can be cut to any length. Will have to see. The Italian neighbor, readying to put in a very long sea wall one lot from me, never showed, and I assume he knew about the weather blowing in and wisely chose not to fly.... we've been supposed to meet for months now. Another missed meeting.
The journey continues, Amazons: )
Lighter
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I m pacing like a wild animal with all this Bahama cottage business hanging out there.... unfinished. The customs people are sniffing around the property and phoning me on my broken phone.... I fell on the rocks in the surf with cell in mocket, so can't make or accept calls.
I feel another extortion meneuver on the way, and to tell the truth, I've become rather allergic to being extorted by men in positions of power over me.
Allergic, I tell you.
Lighter
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Any chance of getting the American Embassy involved?
-
Wait what?
Customs is corrupt there?
Yikers. Sorry to hear this, Lighter.
Hope your spidey sense is waterlogged this time, but if you're right, I like Amber's idea.
Good luck with this,
Hops
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I don't think there's an American embassy on our island, and if there was I seriously doubt calling them down on the local government would pay off in any way.
I just have to get through this terrible phase renovation phase, pay through the nose to be messed with, then try to feel OK about the entire thing.
I feel less pressure about the seawall. I have the advantage of a little reef in front of my lot that creates a breakwater. I think that's why my lot is still in tact where the neighbor's house, set back farther on the land, is falling into the sea.
There are lucky things and unlucky things in this equation. I think the local government falls on everyone's heads... particularly the foreign investors. I have to say... there's so MUCH MORE government and rules and regulations than there used to be.... I guess bc of the big resort, and casino that went in. I'm told the government was paid off to allow the resort to dig a channel, in front of my house, and put the sand on my neighbor's lot... I'm talking it's a mountain.... 40 feet high.... 75 130 feet by 75 or more feet wide.... and that neighbor is just screwed out of his land, outside selling sand. Now THAT neighbor is a native to the island.
The impact of all that dredging on the local eco system is very concerning as well. And all the boats, especially the larger ones.... very concerning.
Lighter
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Slightly different - but same principle - is the concept known as "beach replenishment" in OBX.
There, they dredge up ocean floor sand to widen beaches that have shrunk to the point of being drowned at high tide. They started in Nags Head, and that has lasted a while; perhaps because re- and over-built Jennette's Pier usess concrete piers. Isabel, is the storm that took that pier out, I believe. Aquarium donors and public fundraising got that rebuilt.
In Kitty Hawk, it's a bit different story. The ocean front cottages are smaller; date back to 30s through 60s. That beach mostly eroded from the other direction due to Nor'easters (the sand all went to Nags Head - LOL). During a good high tide, the breakers would under the cottages; during storms - NC 12 would be under water. The intersection by Hurricane Mo's and the Black Pelican was washed out and replaced 3 times the last couple years I was there. Mother Nature clearly wants the Post Office (on the same side road facing the Bypass) to be ocean front. That will complicate one of the worst traffic bottlenecks anywhere on the beach. Just a half-mile north is the main junction to Duck Rd heading to the north beaches... and the escape route over the Wright Memorial bridge.
In Irene, it was the soundside that took a hit - and yes, it's had a repeat hit at least once.
There is no stopping the force of all that water, no matter WHAT you try to do - unless you provide a way for the force of the water/wind to dissipate under the buildings. The oldest ones have holes drilled in the floor - so that the water doesn't life the cottage off the pilings.
So, with a sea wall... the concept is to protect the land from being washed away by the water. People assume that it's the breakers that is the leading edge of the destructive force. But I believe its the suction/flow of water below the surface that undermines the sand enough to more easily pull the surface out. That's what happens under your feet standing in the surf, right?
Most sea walls are no higher than the surface of your property. If they are higher; it's no more than a foot. But the pilings that hold it all in place need to be DEEP. Think iceberg. To preserve the integrity of the wall - there needs to be enough gaps between the vertical boards (treated to withstand salt water) to allow the force of the water to dissipate between them. You'll still notice subsidence of the sand on the property side over time... but minimally. Even concrete/rebar will take a beating and be destroyed from the bottom up, unless you give the water somewhere to go - to mitigate the impact of the force of the waves.
So that's the general engineering idea. With that in mind, perhaps you'll be better able to choose a design and communicate with that contractor a little better. Do be aware that as storms get more extreme (we're entering an official solar minimum phase) Mother Nature is going to have her way with anything man-made and there's not a blessed thing any of us can do about it. Heard on the weather this morning, that NDakota is buried under 2 feet of snow today. Sounds late in the year for that, but not according to winters I remember as a kid. And the farmers will be grateful for the moisture, because it's the most they've gotten all winter. This will combine to shorten the growing season for wheat out there. I think the price of a loaf of bread is going to go up this year again.
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OK...Amber, I was trying to avoid an actual anxiety loope today.... but I'm in one.
You're right... if a direct hit on the island takes place.... the cottage can't be saved by any seawall. THAT, coupled with all the work, expense, and ENERGY to GET MATERIALS TO THE ISLAND.... along with 45% duty, unbelievably high shipping and landing fees.....what it takes to get any job done.....
sent me into a hot gut spiral.
I'm going to tap, and work myself back to center before picking the kids up from school.
I dread discussions about my father's estate. People can't agree on what to have for lunch.
One day of being brain dead in front of the tv.... or just sleeping..... would be so nice, but I have to call the customs guy, see how bad that is, then get ready to leave town again while my oldest needs to go prom dress, and roller derby skate shopping, which I would absolutely love to relax into right now..... something normal please. Oldest dd doesn't want to do these things with me.... she said she neeeeds to do it with her friends, and I don't see how I can make that happen right now, but it needs to happen soon, bc prom is around the corner.
Wow.... I have skills and tricks to stop this spiral, and I do remember them, but it's hard to remember before they land on my head, and attack my guts.
I have noticed I'm calmer with things that used to send me spinning. I have more patience. I have more ability to observe, and I give myself credit, but.... I notice a fleeting unrealistic expectation I'll suddenly perfectly be incommand of my emotions, and manage them, which is nuts. I'm practicing, getting better at it, but this is an ongoing, imperfect process. The growth IS in the mistakes. I have to remember that.
Sometimes I worry that my calm is dissociation, or shock.... sometimes it IS shock lately, but recovery is quicker, and ability to remain level is improving.
The journey continues.
Lighter
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Lighter, if you're fixing up the beach property to sell, why not let the new owner build the seawall?
Is there a reason it HAS to be you?
Hops
-
Hops has a good point.
Oh, I AM sorry that's what you took from what I hoped was a helpful bit of information. You don't need that right now. I hope you get your calm place back soon. I live with the daily awareness that life itself - to say nothing of what we plant or build - is not permanent. It sounds counter-intuitive, but it helps me keep those kinds of panic attacks away...lowers my "perfection" bar to "good enough" and "what I want".
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Nooo, Amber... got so much more from it. In that moment, I had a very clear image of the completed house getting swept off the beach.... it took my breath away.
I'm feeling much better now..... heh.
I always feel like Sarah Connor's character when I say or write that. And I've written it a lot.
And.... the plan is to wait and see how I feel about the cottage before deciding what to build for a seawall. If I'm selling I'll build a less impressive, but good looking wall. If I want to keep it and hand it down to the kiddos.... a better wall will be built. Right now there's no emergency, though many people, native and non natives, are telling me the beach won't stand another hurricane season.... I don't think that's quite right.
I honestly think my immune system is frozen... deiciding what to do with me right now. I'm the kind of person who gets through crisis, then collapses for a bit.
I can help my grandfather cough up blood and lung and whatever else it was... then slide down walls when I leave the room, wondering how I did it. I see my own blood or get a shot and faint.
My breathing is all messed up. Not sure why.... maybe muscles around lungs lock up.... something about breathing under stress goes all whacka doo. Very familiar. I think that alone escalates anxiety.
And....
I'm feeling a better now; )
That is a scary thing, right there.... when "I'm feeling better now" comes up for me. I say it so people around me stop focusing on me... so they can feel at ease again, even though I'm focused on challenges ahead, and worry that I'll get through it. I don't know what it means... it's almost a challenge as it leaves me. Like.... I'll not let anyone help me through this, and I WILL get through this. It's an odd sort of thing when it comes up. I don't want to feel that way, or think that any longer. I want to be able to give and receive help without it bringing up old stuff..... stuck stuff.
I want to not feel pressed or strung out alone or like I have to protect everyone around me from everything
all
the
time.
Anymore.
Maybe a good cry will set me right as rain.
::nodding::.
::sigh::.
I have to find a way to discharge the stress around recent violence... not against me, but in my presence. Human on human violence is one thing everyone, except ASPDs, are allergic to. I can tell you that it does terrible things to my physical and emotional health... things that surprise and astonish me always. I was raised in a home without violence. Experiencing it for the first time.... really experiencing it against me... was a shock that shut down my breathing and ability to eat... I lost 20 lbs in a month in 2007. The recent stuff is tied into that I think. I've put it aside in order to get through this month, but I have to just process it so it's not underneath all the other stress... heightening it.
Lighter
-
((((Lighter))) hon.
What would it be like to experiment with trust, relaxing into trust of others?
Like, what if your thought that the community must be wrong...is itself deceiving you from your best interests?
I ask only because there could be wisdom, and much stress reduction, in considering that they have a collective understanding about something that sounds reasonably true:
many people, native and non natives, are telling me the beach won't stand another hurricane season.... I don't think that's quite right.
Even if they're wrong by a season, or two or four...if there's collective insight about this including from those who live through these storms....isn't it possible you'll have less personal stress in the long-term if you and the kids RENT a place when the Bahamas are calling?
xo
Hops
-
Honestly.... we're going to our place in the Bahamas until it's sold. After that, we're not going back to the Bahamas, IMO.
Since youngest dd loves the place..... it's a foregone conclusion we'll enjoy as long as feasible... as long as it's standing, and is ours.
We can do Christmas there, for all I care. By that time there'll be 3 private bedrooms, and 2 sofas that sleep very nicely. My sibling did New Years in January... it was marvelous, I'm told.
The idea of a cool breezy Christmas.... no bugs or pig stinking Bahamian heat... appeals much.
Once we're out of this pink cottage....... we're out of the Bahamas.
Lighter
-
Ahhh, okay. Now I (finally) get it.
So thick, moi!
:?
Glad you've gotta plan.
It's gotta include some peace.
Hope you can rent it out while it's on the market,
since you can't be there all the time.
And your moss needs you.
Hugs
Hops
-
I've been spending some time supporting some recent (and not so recent) widows. The one who created the forum, is running herself ragged. The classic "busy bee" avoidance of emotions trick. I've firmly told her to take a day off, before she collapses. But on & on she goes.
What is happening now, is she's experiencing the "piling on" effect. Little and big things are going wrong; the normal snafu things get magnified way out of proportion to their importance.
IMO, this is a symptom caused by not simply taking the time to feel the feelings that are coming up. Yes, when it's a whirlwind of feelings it dredges up all kinds of ancient feelings and mixes them all together. But maybe that's just what happens to me, too.
A hot stone massage might help you quite a bit, Lighter.
-
So, I was at the airport, enjoying the best mixed baby green salad of my life, topped with at least 5 dollars worth of perfectly plump walnuts topped with blue cheese, and cranberries, and cucumbers and fresh tomato topped with 2 of the best Shula burgers of my life, topped with carmelized onions and mushrooms..... mixing flavors and textures and condiments, and oh my.... I forgot the side of potatoes....remember I said I'd likely have zero willpower.... fried.... perfectly crisp, topped sometimes with blue cheese and ketchup, sometimes with mayo, sometimes with just ketchup.... playing with flavor and texture combinations, as I said.... ready to weep over the abundance of yummy produce and products available in the States..... when everyone's phones went off bc of a tornado warning. Very alarming, bc dd and sis were preparing to board a small seaplane, and we were going to board a regular flight in a few hours.
This was the beginning of a very confusing 8 hours.
So, I ate myself into what should have been a coma, and still had enough for 2 more meals, when dd's flight was diverted to Miami, and 2 tornadoes popped up almost on top of Fort Lauderdale airport..... we were instructed to get away from the wall to wall windows and run to the inside of the building. I, at one point, was the only person heading INTO the dust storm running down hallways and into my eyes and face as I headed to safety. I was joined by a lovely young woman from Alaska, heading to the ladies room. I joined her while we both marveled at EVERYONE else heading TO the windows. I was reminded of instructing children.... tell them what you want them to do, not what you don't want. DON'T RUN INTO THE Street, and they go right into the street. Every time. That what these travelers were doing..... really.
So, a nice lady from the United counter joined us eventually, and showed us a very frightening picture of one very large, in my opinion, tornado followed by a smaller one..... right at the airport. I think it did damage to Fed Ex trucks, etc..... at one point it felt like we were in the Wizard of Oz... wind wipping things around in the air outside the glass..... all that HUGE wind INSIDE the building where it was supposed to be safe. On reflection, I think I should have helped people with young children and elderly TO safety WITH me. Now I know what I do in that situation. I go to safety, and I follow directions. I bond with like minded people, and hunker down responsibly. I do not run around and play hero.
::nodding::.
Not sure how to feel about it... just information I guess.
Let me get one thing straight... I think Allegient Air has a training issue. I couldn't get a straight answer about flights and delays until we were in the air 5 hours late..... I didn't get home till 2am..... so many laughable contradictions from the Allegient staff....
"First off, your destination airport can't shut down tonight until all flights are in, but if they do, we'll notify you." That kind of stuff, and people were just laughing at that point. It was like a stupid dream.
SO many babies... little girl babies learning to walk in pink tu tus.... chubby little girl baby reminding me of my neice... smiling and laughing and waving.... so cute I wanted to eat her with a spoon. So many little children, and that's all I want to say about that. This was one of the nice things about the wait and day, in general. All the little babies. One of the not so nice things.... seeing people in wheelchairs.... pushed by unsmiling hampered people... sometimes other elderly people, spouses I assume....
I
do
not
want
to
end up
pushing
or
occupying
said
wheelchair.
::Shaking head::.
No. I do not.
I'm grateful to be home. Grateful to wake my sleepy oversleeping children for school. Grateful to clean out the rice maker my oldest let ferment and turn to soup.... grateful to re wash my white comforter that soured in the wash machine, grateful to walk the pug, and check out the lovely moss carpet. I can't believe how it's come together.... except there's so many hours involved... it had to.
There was no choice.
I'm grateful to be home home home home home home home.
::hugging mug of coffee happily to chest::.
Next on list... figuring out sea walls. Mine is crumbling into the Atlantic. I've seen 3 kinds of sea walls... the one I believe I need is the cement kind with knees and fiberglass re bar.... picture a fortress, and you've about got it right I should think.
I have no idea how much that is, but will find out.
Theres a boxed vinyl sea wall, and a corregated one. I have a heavy equipment operator... the one who moved my container, willing to use left over corregated I believe, to do a quick sea wall.... not sure how much, and I see it as likely to erode my beach as it's installed, nad do nothing to retain it during a hurricane as it's unlikely to be driven into anything but sand at that point, and from what I've seen of the material, which honestly, is left overs from a different kind of wall. I guess they can be cut to any length. Will have to see. The Italian neighbor, readying to put in a very long sea wall one lot from me, never showed, and I assume he knew about the weather blowing in and wisely chose not to fly.... we've been supposed to meet for months now. Another missed meeting.
The journey continues, Amazons: )
Lighter
Well my biggest source of amazement is that you can get food that good at an airport! I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be able to order something as delicious as that at an airport in the UK :) But the rest of it - oh my days. How scary and yes, people running toward the danger, no I wouldn't be playing hero either - you've got your own babies to get home safely to. People do it here when there are big storms, they go to the beach and then get swept out to sea by giant waves, or they sit on the edge of crumbling cliffs and fall 150 feet - madness. People let little children play on lilos and rubber dinghies IN THE SEA, I can't tell you how many times I've seen it - one puff of wind or slipping into a current and those babies are gone. Never ceases to amaze me. I am glad you had the good sense to head for the toilet, Lighter, and stay there. Cannot advise on the sea wall, unfortunately :) xx
-
Nooo, Amber... got so much more from it. In that moment, I had a very clear image of the completed house getting swept off the beach.... it took my breath away.
I'm feeling much better now..... heh.
I always feel like Sarah Connor's character when I say or write that. And I've written it a lot.
And.... the plan is to wait and see how I feel about the cottage before deciding what to build for a seawall. If I'm selling I'll build a less impressive, but good looking wall. If I want to keep it and hand it down to the kiddos.... a better wall will be built. Right now there's no emergency, though many people, native and non natives, are telling me the beach won't stand another hurricane season.... I don't think that's quite right.
I honestly think my immune system is frozen... deiciding what to do with me right now. I'm the kind of person who gets through crisis, then collapses for a bit.
I can help my grandfather cough up blood and lung and whatever else it was... then slide down walls when I leave the room, wondering how I did it. I see my own blood or get a shot and faint.
My breathing is all messed up. Not sure why.... maybe muscles around lungs lock up.... something about breathing under stress goes all whacka doo. Very familiar. I think that alone escalates anxiety.
And....
I'm feeling a better now; )
That is a scary thing, right there.... when "I'm feeling better now" comes up for me. I say it so people around me stop focusing on me... so they can feel at ease again, even though I'm focused on challenges ahead, and worry that I'll get through it. I don't know what it means... it's almost a challenge as it leaves me. Like.... I'll not let anyone help me through this, and I WILL get through this. It's an odd sort of thing when it comes up. I don't want to feel that way, or think that any longer. I want to be able to give and receive help without it bringing up old stuff..... stuck stuff.
I want to not feel pressed or strung out alone or like I have to protect everyone around me from everything
all
the
time.
Anymore.
Maybe a good cry will set me right as rain.
::nodding::.
::sigh::.
I have to find a way to discharge the stress around recent violence... not against me, but in my presence. Human on human violence is one thing everyone, except ASPDs, are allergic to. I can tell you that it does terrible things to my physical and emotional health... things that surprise and astonish me always. I was raised in a home without violence. Experiencing it for the first time.... really experiencing it against me... was a shock that shut down my breathing and ability to eat... I lost 20 lbs in a month in 2007. The recent stuff is tied into that I think. I've put it aside in order to get through this month, but I have to just process it so it's not underneath all the other stress... heightening it.
Lighter
Lighter, I'm reading all of this and I'm thinking - you just lost your dad. Grief, I think, affects us in different ways, and often in subtle ways - not crying or shaking or having to say goodbye, but unsettling and throwing us off course, wobbling our foundations, making all our coping mechanisms look like a two foot wall in the face of a tsunami. The beach house project sounds horribly stressful and difficult to cope with under any circumstances, but in addition to corrupt officials, delayed flights, tornadoes and your dad going suddenly when you were so far away, that's an unimaginable amount of pressure to be under. Please don't think you have to get through this politely and gracefully. I get the being able to keep going thing; I think there are certain types of people who go into autopilot/survival mode in difficult situations and just get on with it. The adrenalin fades and that's why we collapse afterwards, in my opinion. And I get not wanting to let others in to help cope; there's a vulnerability that goes alongside that and I often get a feeling that if I let my guard down just a little I'll collapse completely - the stress and tension is what keeps me going, sometimes (the same way some people seem to feed off of anger, I guess). But your girls will be there for you; they're good kids and you've taught them well. I'm wrapping a blanket around you and telling you it's alright to cry or shout or lie in the moss; no need to glide through this. This is a wrestling through the mud, fighting alligators period, it's alright if it gets tough and messy. We're all here, Lighter, you're not alone xx
-
Tupp:
Grief folds over me like a wet dishtowel. All through the day. Especially in the early morning hours, when I'[m alone. No one counting on me to wake them, remind them, drive them, drop them..... and it's very very sad. SO sad, Tupp.
As I move through options for a local service.... for my Father.... I realize my kiddos have it right. It NEEEDS to be at Dad's farm, where the kids knew him, got to know him, only ever knew him THERE. He'd want us to be together there, embracing, sharing stories, and just plain gathered together... on his farm. It's what he intended when he bought it. It's what's right for his service. My children know this. It seems obvious to them.
I've missed many CALL THE MIDWIFE shows. Running them in the background is so comforting.... but also sad. I wish I had that kind of female support in my life. That kind of maternal care..... it's so painfully absent.
Lighter
-
The farm sounds right to me too Lighter. People gathering together, sharing food brought from home. Sharing stories... being together.
Now walk right over here into the never-ending hug.
-
I'm sorry, Lighter. It's so tough. Sadness is tough to cope with, I think - other things like anger and rage can give you a kind of energy that you can work through by attacking the garden or running yourself ragged but sadness is just there and it's so consuming. I think the farm service sounds lovely. Your kiddos do have the right idea. Maternal support is so helpful and yes, not having it is very hard. Bizarrely, I've never actually seen an episode of Call the Midwife, lol, I seem to miss things until years after they start and then there's too much of them to catch up on :) I get what you mean about comfort from having it on in the background, though, there is something soothing about someone else's life playing out on the TV.
((((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))) Sending love and big maternal hugs xx
-
((((Amber and Tupp)))) I'm so grateful for the hugs.
This morning I was trying to put my very compromised Otterbox case on my new phone. I'd broken out the hard plastic bits during a four year period with my now very broken phone.
It was childlike.... I was sad watching myself do it. Wrong size. Wrong holes for toggles and phone..... but there I was, trying.
I feel that sort of sums up the loast 18 years of my life. I was that sort of child. Hopeful. Trying to make things work that had no possible chance of working out.
Last year my youngest DD was watching Kill Bill with me.... and the scene where Uma Thurman is in the PussyWagon comes up..... Uma commands.... "Wiggle your big toe..." and DD says...
"She reminds me of you, Mom."
I thought, What a strange thing for her to say.
This morning.... I GOT it. And.... I've been aware, for quite some time, I sometimes must do things the hard way. I think it's part of the INFP external world MUST reflect my internal world programming. Just the way I was made, or came to be formed, byut sometimes I CAN SEE what will happen if I choose to honor myself... and it's catastrophic. Sometimes I see where hhonoroing myself or not.... catastrophe was going to happen. I think that sometimes undermines the honoring stuff.... that it's backfired fantastically enough times..... I hesitate.... I flinch..... I fail.
I'm feeling very in touch with my child self today.... reflecting on my father, and our relationship.... what he was like when I was young... what I was like. It was similiar when my mom died, except it was more about her as a teen, and really connecting with who she was then. How she felt about herself, and us... her children. I have a letter on my bed... she wrote it to her children in 1980. I get something different from it every time I read it. I'll read it again soon when I can focus. Right now there's so much to be done.
This is grieving. This is allowing myself to feel very sad, so I can move through it, and get past it. It's very sad, guys. This is also exploration of my decision making process. All the fear, and paralysis around it.... the pulling it apart, figuring out what's fear, and what's safety. I have got to find more comfort with making decisions. There's too much anxiety around it. Just too much. That must change.
Lighter
-
((((Amber and Tupp)))) I'm so grateful for the hugs.
This morning I was trying to put my very compromised Otterbox case on my new phone. I'd broken out the hard plastic bits during a four year period with my now very broken phone.
It was childlike.... I was sad watching myself do it. Wrong size. Wrong holes for toggles and phone..... but there I was, trying.
I feel that sort of sums up the loast 18 years of my life. I was that sort of child. Hopeful. Trying to make things work that had no possible chance of working out.
Last year my youngest DD was watching Kill Bill with me.... and the scene where Uma Thurman is in the PussyWagon comes up..... Uma commands.... "Wiggle your big toe..." and DD says...
"She reminds me of you, Mom."
I thought, What a strange thing for her to say.
This morning.... I GOT it. And.... I've been aware, for quite some time, I sometimes must do things the hard way. I think it's part of the INFP external world MUST reflect my internal world programming. Just the way I was made, or came to be formed, byut sometimes I CAN SEE what will happen if I choose to honor myself... and it's catastrophic. Sometimes I see where hhonoroing myself or not.... catastrophe was going to happen. I think that sometimes undermines the honoring stuff.... that it's backfired fantastically enough times..... I hesitate.... I flinch..... I fail.
I'm feeling very in touch with my child self today.... reflecting on my father, and our relationship.... what he was like when I was young... what I was like. It was similiar when my mom died, except it was more about her as a teen, and really connecting with who she was then. How she felt about herself, and us... her children. I have a letter on my bed... she wrote it to her children in 1980. I get something different from it every time I read it. I'll read it again soon when I can focus. Right now there's so much to be done.
This is grieving. This is allowing myself to feel very sad, so I can move through it, and get past it. It's very sad, guys. This is also exploration of my decision making process. All the fear, and paralysis around it.... the pulling it apart, figuring out what's fear, and what's safety. I have got to find more comfort with making decisions. There's too much anxiety around it. Just too much. That must change.
Lighter
I'm glad you're allowing the sadness in, Lighter. As unpleasant as it is, it's necessary and very much needed. I'm glad you have that letter from your mum. It amazes me how the same piece of writing can give us different things at different times. Our perspective changes, I think, so we are more attuned to some things than others. I'm glad you have that.
Yes, doing things the hard way. For me it's part of my 'proving I'm worth being here' thing. I recognise it in myself, although I'm getting better at not feeling bad about taking short cuts or just bunging something in and thinking 'that will do'. Some aspect of "if I tick every box then I'm okay". I don't know if it's the same for you. The upside is it makes us very resourceful and practical, whatever the reason :)
I hope you got the case on your phone somehow. I'm with you in the sadness. ((((((((((((Lighter))))))))))))))
Love Tupp xx
-
Lighter, you are such a brave soul.
I think you are lonely and deserve tender maternal comfort and support.
Grief brings it all up so painfully. But you are so wise to accept and respect these feelings as they rise.
You are lyrical and evocative when you write about your vulnerability, while at the same time a nimble emotional ninja.
I think sometimes we just have to rest in the arms of kindness, wherever we can find it. And that includes finding the greatest tenderness for our hurts within ourselves.
Maybe you're not a superhero. Maybe just a woman who wants to be nurtured just as intensely as you want to create beauty, cook love into food, make meaning and good memories for your children.
Deep peace in the ceremony and the moment, on the farm.
Deep healing as you
s
l
o
w
D
o
w
n
Love to you,
Hops
-
Thank you for those beautiful words, Hops.
We'll have a lovely fire for my father.... here..... and you can say a few words.
Everyone in their Amazon garb.... everyone dancing.
::sigh::.
I'm afraid I'm a bit paralyzed by other people's emotions today. They say it's easy to hurt strong people..... well... one of my best friends said that to me once..... and I find it's true.
People, who HAVE to lash out....
they have to really dig deep..... go for jugulars... for life threatening choices when we don't squeak easy.
I've really noticed how the PD people whine, and moan and scream..... solidly claiming the victim high ground.
And it's so terribly useful.... so terribly..... confusing.
That big dark stink cloud of confusion..... is the PD's very good weapon.
Those of us telling the truth, calmly, with stoicism and zero drama..... actually telling the story without telling the entire PD truth, bc it makes us sound insane when we speak THAT kind of truth.....
I've had a very good look at that, up close, lately. I've made some discoveries.... and don't take what follows the wrong way. I know I have to take some walls down. Some barricades have served their purpose... but....
Sadly, I've decided I'm going to have to build taller, stronger thicker walls in some directions. And that's the thing, right? Figuring all that out..... from behind the stink of PD confusion CLAIMING we're harming them when we take care of ourselves... when we have boundaries, any kind at all..... when we should have our minds clear and going about the business of handling our lives.... we're instead dealing with PD chaos manufacture coupled with finger pointing, and all the interpersonal terrorism that goes with. Everyone here knows what that is. What it looks like.
And I'm going to be drawing lines in the sand again.... very soon. Erasing some, sure, moving them back..... figuring out which is which, and how to go about it.
Hops..... you don't have to draw lines at the T's office. Get information that helps find those lines.... then worry about how to draw them, and when.
Lighter
-
I'm sorry you're going through this Lighter. I don't know what it is about someone's death that ignites the PD-follies... but it was one of the reasons I put myself behind some big thick walls and was extremely picky about who I talked to and when. As it was, people tried to push in anyway, and I wasn't very "nice" about making them go away.
I really didn't have a spare ounce of attention-span or caring about what other people felt about Mike or how "I was getting along". I just wanted to be left alone with my feelings; feel the weight and the reality of them; eat when I felt like it and sleep that way too. And watch the sun come up and go down... until the weight was lighter. And it doesn't matter to me one bit, what people think about my choice to do that. As long as they left me alone to do it - LOL.
Hang in there. It gets easier, the more time passes.
-
I long for tall thick walls, Amber. I'm glad you could erect them after Mike.
I'm living in circus land..... only rings,. no walls right now.
Lighter
-
Lighter, I don't know what/whom/why you're dealing with right at this moment.
But I can hear that you feel overwhelmed, and beset, and anxious.
I'm very sorry.
You've been through a LOT lately, with enormous adrenaline crashing and surging, and it's clear you're running on fumes.
If I could send you some magical chamomiley potion that would remind you...you are the woman patient enough to plant a yardfull of moss, to cope with cranky/crazy situations in the Caribbean, to come home to deal with your stepdad's funeral and all Those Family Things...
You've got to be beyond exhausted.
Time for self-kindness on steroids.
Breathe, find peace, even little pieces.
You'll get through this passage too.
I'm sorry to hear the fear and tension in you, and hope windows of light will quickly start cracking open, reminding you, it's going to be okay.
love,
Hops
-
Thank you for those beautiful words, Hops.
We'll have a lovely fire for my father.... here..... and you can say a few words.
Everyone in their Amazon garb.... everyone dancing.
::sigh::.
I'm afraid I'm a bit paralyzed by other people's emotions today. They say it's easy to hurt strong people..... well... one of my best friends said that to me once..... and I find it's true.
People, who HAVE to lash out....
they have to really dig deep..... go for jugulars... for life threatening choices when we don't squeak easy.
I've really noticed how the PD people whine, and moan and scream..... solidly claiming the victim high ground.
And it's so terribly useful.... so terribly..... confusing.
That big dark stink cloud of confusion..... is the PD's very good weapon.
Those of us telling the truth, calmly, with stoicism and zero drama..... actually telling the story without telling the entire PD truth, bc it makes us sound insane when we speak THAT kind of truth.....
I've had a very good look at that, up close, lately. I've made some discoveries.... and don't take what follows the wrong way. I know I have to take some walls down. Some barricades have served their purpose... but....
Sadly, I've decided I'm going to have to build taller, stronger thicker walls in some directions. And that's the thing, right? Figuring all that out..... from behind the stink of PD confusion CLAIMING we're harming them when we take care of ourselves... when we have boundaries, any kind at all..... when we should have our minds clear and going about the business of handling our lives.... we're instead dealing with PD chaos manufacture coupled with finger pointing, and all the interpersonal terrorism that goes with. Everyone here knows what that is. What it looks like.
And I'm going to be drawing lines in the sand again.... very soon. Erasing some, sure, moving them back..... figuring out which is which, and how to go about it.
Hops..... you don't have to draw lines at the T's office. Get information that helps find those lines.... then worry about how to draw them, and when.
Lighter
Lighter, my first every T, lovely lady, similar age to my mum so very therapeutic to have a 'mum' therapist, talked to me about the importance of building a fence around your emotions, your thoughts, your heart and so on, and putting a gate in it so you can let the good people in and keep other people out. She said you wouldn't leave your front door wide open so anyone could wander in off the street so you shouldn't do that with your heart, either. It made so much sense to me and I think you do have to be discerning about who is in your life and who needs to be relegated to a card at Christmas and nothing else. I think particularly when you lose someone, you see the best in some people and the worst in others. Life can just go from us without notice or warning and I think filling it with good people/energy/experiences is so much better for us than tolerating others for whatever reason. I hope you've been able to find a way through it all at the moment.
Love Tupp xx
PS I kept trying to post this yesterday and couldn't for some reason, so am hoping it is better behaved today :) xx
-
I would restate Tupp's idea into a mantra or motto this way:
You can't fix crazy.
All you can do is manage how, when, & where you HAVE TO come in contact with it. Lots of times, you don't HAVE TO anything. Because no matter what you do/don't do... crazy just keeps on the way it's always been.
But then, I have a bunch of silly ideas about the general topic of "people". And I'm scrupulously picky about the people I allow around me. Made some mistakes; sure! And learned from them. Dusted myself off... and continued on life's "adventure".
-
Hi Guys:
Today I'm plodding through emotional concrete trying to book a venue, and fiddler for father's memorial service. I have exactly what, and who I'd like... just have to nail dates with them if they'll contact me back.
Look up Ashokan Farewell played on fiddle..... and Wind River Waltz.... and Midnight On The Water. It's breaking my heart, it's so beautiful, and what I'd like to hear at this service..... esp if we can book the botanical gardens we have in mind. I'll have moss center pieces everywhere... with moss from father's farm.
I can hardly think today. Can hardly breath. This is the day it's finally sunk in.... my father is really gone.
Lighter
-
So only do what you have to dear. I was on a "diet" of only one thing a day, when I felt like that. And if I didn't do that one thing (or talked myself out it)... I LET IT HAPPEN and didn't fuss at myself. Obviously, it was what I needed at that moment.
It's not a bad thing to learn to do. Did it again today, because I didn't relish going out in this chilly steady rain to take my first lesson at the controls of my new equipment. Postponed everything till Thursday.
As a result, the world did NOT come to an end and no one's terribly upset by it.
-
Hi Guys:
Today I'm plodding through emotional concrete trying to book a venue, and fiddler for father's memorial service. I have exactly what, and who I'd like... just have to nail dates with them if they'll contact me back.
Look up Ashokan Farewell played on fiddle..... and Wind River Waltz.... and Midnight On The Water. It's breaking my heart, it's so beautiful, and what I'd like to hear at this service..... esp if we can book the botanical gardens we have in mind. I'll have moss center pieces everywhere... with moss from father's farm.
I can hardly think today. Can hardly breath. This is the day it's finally sunk in.... my father is really gone.
Lighter
Ashokan Farewell and Midnight on the Water are beautiful, Lighter, hadn't heard either of them before. The version I watched of Ashokan Farewell had a video of a little girl running through a field - made me think of you. I couldn't find Wind River Waltz.
I'm sorry. I can only offer you hugs and to know that I'm thinking of you. That moment of realisation that someone has gone is one of the hardest things to endure. My advice would be not to try to fight it. Sink into it, let it envelope you, feel your Dad within it and all around it. He's still there in your heart, Lighter, that will never change.
Love Tupp xx
-
We played lots of Jimmy Buffett for Mike's party. Especially "Pirate Looks at 40". After he bought the Mustang (I was kinda involved in that too)... we'd drive around the back roads here with the top down and blast that through the speakers... feeling on top of the world.
There is no doubt, that he loved his "toys"... and the status he felt as a result of them. Not my thing at all. That stuff was just "stuff" to me and people mattered a whole lot more. But I do get the "image, appearance, persona" boost that comes with putting together a certain "look"... I just don't hold it as a goal in life.
Spring - when it finally gets here - is so very pretty in this area. Like a garden of eden pretty.
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OK.... we have the venue booked, and a fiddler for the service. The musician has to run afterwards, so there will be regular music.... some 50's... some cowboy.... some country, which my Dad loved, and grew up with.
We still have to book a caterer, but not worried about it. Just having the venue, the music, and the Priest handled makes it easy to breath again.
Now.... on to figuring out the service and music selections. All siblings have different idea of what the service should be, so will be piecing together.
I feel better today. So much better.
Lighter
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I'm so glad, Lighter.
Let it be
i
m
p
e
r
f
e
c
t
Okay?
And even enjoy it.
Great wakes are like that.
love
Hops
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OK.... we have the venue booked, and a fiddler for the service. The musician has to run afterwards, so there will be regular music.... some 50's... some cowboy.... some country, which my Dad loved, and grew up with.
We still have to book a caterer, but not worried about it. Just having the venue, the music, and the Priest handled makes it easy to breath again.
Now.... on to figuring out the service and music selections. All siblings have different idea of what the service should be, so will be piecing together.
I feel better today. So much better.
Lighter
((((((((((((((((((Lighter))))))))))))))))))))))) I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. I've been thinking of you. The music choices sound great and made me smile. So nice to have a celebration of life and to include so many people in it. I'm glad you got those things booked up. I hope the rest of it falls into place. I'm sure your dad will be watching over things making sure all goes according to plan :) xx
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I feel really good about the entire thing.
Well... I'm a bit overwhelmed with having to have glass and china for the entire thing..... something a sib wants.
I'm sure I'm overwhelming people with the need for lovely fern and moss arrangements on all the tables, and in the air.... but we all need what we need.
If I didn't say... the garden is allowing us to have use of the place all night. It's usually dawn to dusk, but they made an exception for us.... we didn't really ask for it, so it's just a nice bonus. It means we can stay, music in place, food out, and just relax without having to move to the hotel to finish the evening for those who wish to hang.
Thanks for the support guys.
Lighter
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It sounds like a lovely way to say goodbye, Lighter, and to see other friends and relatives all in one place. I'm sure the fern and moss arrangements will look amazing. And nice to know you can take your time in the evening and not have to rush around clearing up. It was nice of the venue to suggest you have the garden for the night. Lots of love xx
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So, the Memorial Service experience has been a lot about letting go, and being OK with what is.
For some reason, likely bc I've been reading a lot of Buddhist burial ceremony info, I've focused on suffering. Suffering is what we do when we ask the universe for something it can't give... when we ask ourselves for what we don't have... when we ask others for something they aren't able to give, etc.
And so.... I pick up the Funeral Programs this evening knowing they won't quite be perfect. In ways I don't understand and in ways I understand quite well. And that's OK. The short service will be full of love, and care, and mindful choices based on who my father was, both before and after his debilitating surgery.
I adore the Episcopal Priest, who's become a very good friend. The violinist is amazing, and has yet to say NO to one request.... and he sings.
The food will be delivered after the service, and I don't feel one way or the other about bit, except.... that's one more thing I don't have to do before the service. I've realized one way I express care and remember Dad is through making the space beautiful in nature. Everyone taking communion in nature, surrounded by his photos, and green growing things that won't be thrown out, and die. It's very powerful to picture that, along with fellowship of family and friends. One of my mother's cousins is making the long drive.... I love all the Ohio cousins.
I hope everyone gets along, and is kinder to themselves than they'd normally be this Saturday. I hope we leave that service feeling closer to Dad as the beloved child, man, father, and captive soul to a wheelchair for 20 years.
And if it's not ok....
it's ok.
Lighter
ps Thank you too, Hops, for reminding me to let the idea of perfection go.
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The memorial service was what it needed to be. Everything went well, if a little late.
We filled the place with lush green ferns and moss....the gardeners were so happy with it, but happier still when we donated it to their new miss garden. Seemed preordained.
My brother seemed very moved by every detail. We had pictures of Dad up on trees, held by wire wrapped around the trunks. There were arrangements wired to posts, and those had photos added as well.
We took communion under an overcast sky.... I really loved our Episcopal Priest, S. She was so comforting, and appreciated having the service in a natural setting too.
We sprinkled some ashes in with the UN eaten communion wafers we, the sibs, buried... he'll be in that garden whenever we go back.
I feel good about the whole thing, particularly about not having glass and China. It gave us more time to decirate, and enjoy friends and family.
Lighter
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I'm so moved by this, ((((Lighter)))).
So glad.
No more words.
xxoo
Hops
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The memorial service was what it needed to be. Everything went well, if a little late.
We filled the place with lush green ferns and moss....the gardeners were so happy with it, but happier still when we donated it to their new miss garden. Seemed preordained.
My brother seemed very moved by every detail. We had pictures of Dad up on trees, held by wire wrapped around the trunks. There were arrangements wired to posts, and those had photos added as well.
We took communion under an overcast sky.... I really loved our Episcopal Priest, S. She was so comforting, and appreciated having the service in a natural setting too.
We sprinkled some ashes in with the UN eaten communion wafers we, the sibs, buried... he'll be in that garden whenever we go back.
I feel good about the whole thing, particularly about not having glass and China. It gave us more time to decirate, and enjoy friends and family.
Lighter
Aw, Lighter, it sounds like a lovely way to think, remember, say goodbye (or goodbye for now? I like to think we can meet our loved ones again sometime). I like that you were able to pass on the natural decorations to the garden and that your dad will be there for you to visit. I do hope that there is some way people who have passed can see what's going on and know that their loved ones are together, sharing their memories and time.
I'm glad you were able to say farewell like that xx
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Thank you, Tupp and Hops....it was lovely. If Dad was there, in that garden, he knew he was loved and honored by his children, and grandchildren.
I can't wait to get back home.....one more week here with the never ending cottage project. Won't get all windows changed out. Won't get all shutters up. Won't hey all painted. Won't get a lot done I wanted done, but bright side is we have a bathroom door, hot showers, kitchen almost finished....plan for bunk room, 8 windows changed out, with shutters finishing up I the morning for those. I hope.
Contractor spent too much time making private bedrooms perfect....SO much to do for security and I need to get rental program in place.
Lots done....ocean side of house looks brand new. Just beautiful.
I'll count my blessings, and keep plugging away.
Lighter
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Thank you, Tupp and Hops....it was lovely. If Dad was there, in that garden, he knew he was loved and honored by his children, and grandchildren.
I can't wait to get back home.....one more week here with the never ending cottage project. Won't get all windows changed out. Won't get all shutters up. Won't hey all painted. Won't get a lot done I wanted done, but bright side is we have a bathroom door, hot showers, kitchen almost finished....plan for bunk room, 8 windows changed out, with shutters finishing up I the morning for those. I hope.
Contractor spent too much time making private bedrooms perfect....SO much to do for security and I need to get rental program in place.
Lots done....ocean side of house looks brand new. Just beautiful.
I'll count my blessings, and keep plugging away.
Lighter
It sounds amazing, Lighter, you've worked a little miracle there :) More to do, I get that, but an end is in sight, I would guess. Kuodos to you for doing all of that whilst also grieving your dad and surviving tornados and laptop losses! xx
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Ack....putting up with the contractor was dreadful...notice I didn't say my contractor. He's out, and on the island doing what disordered people do....accusing others of doing what they're doing TO them.
Things finally came to a head when he threatened me with a knife....wild eyed and screaming for me to put my hand down so he could chop off my finger.....and feel his pain.
He knocked a knuckle on his dominant hand whilst unplugging the skill saw. He didn't admit that to me, preferring to say he sawed his finger half off while working. It was 3 stitches....nothing important cut, mind you. That story makes no sense and even if I explained everything it would still make no sense. He does whine and cry for attention....gets angry if he's not babied. I'm done raising babies.
Long story short, he professed love, took the imminent rejection poorly, then settled in for two weeks to convince me he's a catch. Mind you, his language of love includes stepping in front if me to blow his nose on the sidewalk by my foot. I kid you not. He's also been spiraling down the abusive pattern rabbit hole, which makes me withdrawal further. By the time he basically stopped work, more time to request eye to eye "talks" where I tip tied through eggshells and tried to go back to work.
He complained about hernia pain, finger pain, bump on the head pain.... I suspect he drunkenly flipped himself out of a rocking chair then broke the chair in anger
So....he blames his irrational bullying behavior on me.....on being stuck in what he terms "this shithole" for so long, on the bump, the cut, the tummy ouchie....not kidding. Sometimes he baby talks.
The more I refused to be afraid or fight the more he escalated, and we've been alone so no witnesses. He does cry. A lot.
After the knife incident I worried he'd make use of the machete in the LR. The next morning I hid it, and went to do laundry on my own. He asked about the machete....several pointed times then blessedly went to the other island.
I can't put myself in my family through to this craziness again. He was on phone half the night terrorizing my sister, and do the decision we as made to fire and put him out.
He didn't quite understand that, and thought he'd force another round of talks.....when he got to the cottage I had my very large renter waiting with me. This had him spitting mad, which looked like a gleeful insane imp cackling over all the things he would do to me once we were back in the States. Threats were all over the board....legal stuff....finding me stuff...got chest to chest when renter carting his tools...made insane noises and more threats nose to nose. I pushed him off if me and he spun out the door babbling to himself.
Now....after I said there was no possible romantic connection between us he asked to go outside and fight me. I can't make stuff this crazy up! He also asked me to kill him in his sleep, this while he was whining about his finger I think. It all blurrs together, and he assaulted his helper the first week we were here so he can't blame time on the island, his finger, his head bump or me, though that's his story.
I'm wring out, and a tad jumpy, but keeping busy with male workers on the property till he flies out tomorrow afternoon...if he goes.
He's one wrong word away from a Bahamian jail cell, which I m certain won't improve his poor mental health.
Oh, and he doubled his fee.....and keeps adding ludicrous amounts for stupid to things. He has no idea he has to file and fight a lawsuit in Nassau. I I we him money.
Who behaves this way? A grumpy toddler who wants attention for bad behavior, that's who.
:: Shaking head::.
I screwed up when I hired him, but he was lying, and posturing as a somewhat stable person at the time.
Now I'm paying to the price.
Lighter
PS. Send courage, and stamina. I have to get tools and install the he rest of these storm shutters this week.
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Good god, Lighter.
This man is dangerous.
You don't need this drama or fear.
No real estate venture is worth THAT.
I hope you're safely away from him soon.
Hops
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His flight scheduled for this afternoon. He's been in touch with my sister.... brief texts about what he's doing..... sleeping, eating, crying, and going back to sleep. Texts saying he "won't never ever ever go back to the cottage."
These statements make my sister very alert to possibility he'll head over, bc that's how his brain works. He lies, and charges forward with his irrational agenda over and over.
That he's stopped threatening puts sib more on edge, not less. I'm unhappy he's still holding her hostage. I'm feeling distance from him....the fire last night was part if that, and huge relief. I refuse to live in a state if siege again. I just won't do it.
Getting rid of his residual clothes, cigarette butt litter, anything reminding me of him was burned it sent to him.
I feel better now.
To give you an idea of his tactics..... he's told everyone he left a DVD (his deceased mother gave him of his family) IN the cottage. This is a fabrication meant to cast me in the uncaring ogre role. He wants back IN the cottage, which is insane, but that's his drive.
This sort of tactic only works if we care what others think of us. I learned a lot in all this. I learned how to stop caring about what other people think.
It's a revelation long over due.
Lighter
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Lighter, does he live in your area, stateside?
Did you hire him at home and take him to the island for the work?
If so I believe you should get an immediate restraining order.
That's all I know to offer but I'm sorry this has happened.
Wrong kind of energy to confront, I believe....
Hops
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GRRRRRRRRRRR.
Lighter, I read this last night. Kinda threw me for a loop so I held off replying till my head was clear. Pollen has had me a literal limp dish-rag.
You have some history with this guy, IIRC? And that's why you agreed to using him at the cottage? I think I even remember you mentioning some misgivings at that time. You are RIGHT, 100% about not caring what people think, especially in regards to situations like this. Do what you have to, to protect what's yours.
I know your radar is good enough to avoid problem people like this. So, because of history you hired him, right? And the opinions of other people?
OK. You took a chance and trusted. And it has turned out badly. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
Plus, you took the proper steps to head a disaster off at the pass... and it sounds very much, like you're prepared to deal with any escalation he might have in mind.
It's all a person can do and while we'll forever ask why it's even necessary to have to deal with things like this... IT HAPPENS from time to time.
Ya done good Lighter.
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Amber:
Thanks for saying it's not my fault. Another friend said it, and it felt untrue, but I remind myself I'm not responsible for other people's emotions or actions....and that does feel true.
Contractor has to be at airport in 2 hours...it takes an hour to get to my side if the island and back.
Once I know he's in the air I'll get back on track. I've been organizing in preparation of finishing jobs, which needs to be done too.
I think important lessons have been shoved down my throat, once and for all.
We can't save people from themselves.
Men who try to change our NO into a YES are to be treated like the plague...run, don't walk far far away.
This guy..... He's a walking, talking, babbling mess of a lesson for me. Time to toughen up, buttercup. I have to set and enforce boundaries now.... can't allow sympathy or empathy to get in the way ever again. He was the message.
As for handling this well.... I ended up with all the keys, and all the locks. Everything locked down tight, and it's a miracle....well. Not really. I was in protection mode the entire job. I ended up one step ahead of him, bc that's what my days and nights became....plus some luck.
So.... Hops, I won't be confronting him. What I will do is move my guard dog from the farm to my house for a while, inform the neighbors, and seek a TRO.
Tupp....thanks for offering to slap him. He's earned several hard slaps that never came. Too bad no one delivered before he escalated to the edge of a Bahamian jail cell. The magistrate flies in once every 6 months....no telling what would happen to him. Nassau's prison would not be kind, and this particular Judge puts people in jail for smiling and laughing in her courtroom. Contractor has no self control AT ALL, esp when a woman's speaking to him.
::Shaking head::.
I hope he's on that plane.
Lighter
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A little more time Lighter... then, you can relax and reclaim the magical qualities of the cottage and island again.
Just "wash that man right outta your hair".
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My neighbor felt lonely and isolated after a divorce and I watched her get emotionally involved and enmeshed with contractor after subcontractor after yard man... and it all wound up with her losing a load of money and being massively ripped off (plus shoddy work).
It's very tempting for women alone to bond with men they hire. But it's not wise, imn-ho. Best to keep it professional so you don't have to deal with the am I friend or am I employer and one day this and another day that... which rusts boundaries from the base, and which set you up for -- well, you know.
It's still not your fault. You can't create/control/cure crazy. But next time you may be more of the somewhat-distant boss person, who shares minimal info/personal space as the hired hands move in and out of her life. I bet the island situation just magnified it all in his twisted head.
I am very sorry; this could be trauma and I hope it won't be!
Hugs
Hops
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Hops....never got personal with this contractor. I knew he liked me, but I never smiled at him or laughed at his jokes, much less got friendly. I knew better.
He made up a relationship in his head, and lied about it before I came back to island on my own. Once I was back, he threw a tantrum then explained he had a reason for doing it.... he confessed he had feelings for me. I said it was never going to happen, and gave reasons I felt let him down easy....he looks and acts a lot like my father. He demanded to see a photo if Dad....he really looks like him. A lot.
He wanted to shave his beard. I said my father was clean shaven the last 20 years if his life. Contractor got drunk that night. Said he sure hoped I found someone to kiss my pretty face.....leering...closing distance. When he said I was from Georgia, and Georgia had a lot of incest.... I went to bed abruptly in disgust.
The rest was him ordering me around, making up stupid reasons to spin out of control....working less, making more requests to talk, which were impossible to endure at the end. He asked me to bathe him. Honestly.... he's not stable.
He was trying to convince me he was trustworthy, when I knew he was anything but at that point.
Now he's texting he's still on the island, when I know his flight took off with him on it.
He's back making threats to come see me and talk. He's fixated on violence....talks about next killing him in last text. He's truly disordered, and I've never given him reason to believe I was more than a client.
I did believe spending time with our group might introduce some social skills. Boy was I wrong there, and no good deed goes unpunished.
If he'd stop demanding more than he's owed I could pay him and be done, but that's not what these people do.
Bleck.... I could easily wretch thinking about all the set ups to get angry....he didn't want me humming. He pretended to be hurt the threw fits when I just blinked at him, not running to comfort him. He wanted us to give each other compliments every hour....like a married couple in therapy might do. I was having none if it, which was what he was upset over right before he was fired, and fired was what he needed to be.
The fact he demanded I let him chop off my finger while he menaced me with a butchers knife didn't register as deal breaker to him. Just his courting style....and he'd still be here picking fights and finding fault either me if I allowed it.
Drat. I hate letting the little monster take up space in my head. The cottage feels lovely without him. I'm ready to banish thoughts of him for rest of trip.
Amber.... he's off the island, though he claims he's here, and coming to see me. I'll file an official police report when I go North again. I have to document with the police at this point.
Lighter
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Lighter this is terrifying, who is this guy??! Can you file a report by phone or email rather than having to wait to do it in person? My guess would be you're not the only woman he's unsafe around. Is he an island resident or mainland? I don't know how the legal system works there, does what happens next depend on where he lives or where you live? Or where the threats took place? Are other people there with you? If not, can you go to a hotel? Please don't be on your own, even for a short time. This guy sounds seriously demented. Save texts for evidence and then block his number, or change yours. I'm so sorry, this is the last thing you need right now (it would be the last thing at any time but particularly when you've had so much else to cope with). Please get this logged officially as soon as possible and make sure you're absolutely safe xx
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Tupp.... I'm through handling crazies by myself. A zero tolerance policy has to be implemented....has to.
And the guy is from two towns over from my home in the States.
Now.... I cut my keys off the ratty little string he put them on after licking himself out of the house while ranting at me over the phone... can't remember what he was ranting about, but the string went in trash.
Keys on good serviceable clasp aI wear around my neck with utility knife.
Not a peep from contractor since last threat to come see me last night.
On with my day.
Lighter
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Do me a favor Lighter - work very hard at getting his energy out of that place. You want to visualize pushing his energy out while expanding your own to reclaim the space 100%.
Then, set up two check-in times with your neighbor or someone close enough to reach you within minutes. Just a short text message will do. Keep to that schedule - while you're working there. Set an alarm if you need to. Morning/evening might be a good way to do it.
If EVER you have a creepy feeling or intuition or dream... immediately contact someone and tell them. Don't wait.
This is just till you get on the plane to come home. Once you're home, you already know what to do.
This system isn't supposed to remind you of Mr. Icky. It's supposed to a) keep you safe from all kinds of issues... and b) let you finish up as fast as you can there until you're back home. Once you & the dog are reunited and working together... then you can go from there.
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((((Lighter))))
Gently, the approach of talking to him about your father, in a physical comparison...really is kind of an intimate psychological space, though you CLEARLY didn't intend it to be taken that way.
In fact, it made perfect internal sense when you said it. YOU meant Back Off, Bud. His disturbed, boundary-bashing brain saw something different -- an opening.
Just in case in hindsight, it might help you see a vulnerability to males that isn't physical. But might open you to more of that kind of risk?
I'm so glad you've contained the situation.
Hops
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Hops:
Contractor was around when my father died.....very angry funeral took me away.
The fact is....he does look like my father, so was easy excuse to shut down his irrational romantic advances. Everything made him angry, bc I never let him in...never gave him what he was fixated on....ever. He admitted he knew my response to his confessed.... whatever it is. Feels like fixated abusive stalker love.
Telling him I could never be attracted to him bc of who and what he is seemed....less safe. He was clearly herding me with trauma bonding behavior.... I wasn't going there, though I found it possible to control my face and posture while we were working and accomplishing tasks.
Once he admitted love, he was crazy all over the board emotionally....more than normal bc escalated and more frequent....not working....trying to force discussions with close contact. He also threw fits when I worked, and especially when I made efforts to enlist other workers. He'd say he just wanted privacy over the weekend...to not be bothered by other workers.... he'd pout and act crushed if I ignored him and esp after brandished the knife, asked my huge bouncer renter to work at the property. There was stomping and huffing and pointed questions...."How do you think that makes me feel?". As always, I told him I wasn't responsible for his feelings, and had limited time to finish this mission. That lead to a discussion with him following me about while I worked..... I moved away from him on to the beach, and then he wanted another conversation indoors...in private where I told him I would never agree to any demands where terrorist threats were employed.... I wasn't cool with his threatening me with knife, held over his head, while screaming "put you hand down, put your hand down!" He wanted me to feel his pain, bc I constantly failed to show him I cared, which was exactly the point.
He agreed it wasn't cool to do that, but professed it wasn't meant to be threatening. Ummmm....it was threatening, and then he came up with the hourly exchange if compliments, which was about the time I knew he had to go. I'd hidden the machete, bc threatening to harm people with a butchers knife means all sharps in the house go away.
I went to do laundry ALONE, and I believe he felt it would hurt my feelings back if he went to the casino to "look at things up asses",
::Shiver::.
Truly.....an unaware pig, but I held my tongue, except when he sat staring at the bathroom door, saying things like...."You're sure taking a long time in there.". I thought he should know that hovering, sitting, staring at bathroom doors while ladies were in the bathroom was something he should cease and desist immediately, all ladies, esp those he might find to date in the future.
Again.... he's taking up my head space. I'm gaggy....again. Lots if his rage was at my refusing to give him information, get personal, or "trust him", which he talked about endlessly....tooting his trustworthy horn while crashing over stated boundaries, whining for sympathy, creating chaos and seeking comfort for the things he did to others....an unstable bully wishing to dominate and control. No wiff of that behavior around my bouncer renter, however, who's puzzled over the entire situation.
Renter did see unstable crazy cackling, throwing tools, and threats to find me back home, so I don't know how he can say.....
Ack. Down the rabbit hole again. I was in a double bind, and the situation had to end. I hate being threatened by a bully, but I hate being controlled more, so here we are.
One of his latest threats ends with his saying I can't do anything to him but "kill him.". He's fixated on violence....asked me to stab him to death to end his pain, asked to go outside and fight after I rejected him as gently as could be managed, and texted "we could work this out... I could stab or punch him.... let's just talk".
Crazy much? I'm not the reason he's crazy. He's fixated on me, and that's a him thing. I don't wear a stitch of makeup, dress like a wilderness guide, and long quit sucking it in to save my back. I used my mommy voice on him, and maybe that's the attraction? Some screwed up mommy fixation, and for that I might be guilty....reminding him of an overwhelmed mother, with little time for him and his needs seems to be his thing.
He's the 4 yo acting out to get mommy's attention, and I am not exaggerating a bit.
Amber, I have 4 or 5 people calling and checking on me. I have my renter working with me, or supposed to, and two other workers coming and going. I feel like renter will hear if contractor comes back. I'm hyper alert, to say the least.
Also ridding place of his energy every way I can. I painted over his blood stains on my hat, burned the few remaining dirty clothes, and have hung my girl's baby shies, and sarongs around the house to promote good juju. I felt underwater when he was here. I feel free now he's gone.
Tupp...
I very instructed crazy that he's to go through the Trustees to get final payment....stop contacting me. I'm hoping he wants to get paid more than he wants to mess with me. Now he's threatening to sue for his hernia surgery and finger injury....good luck filing in Nassau. I'm going to call my mortgage gal at the bank, she's the one who referred him, and see if she has some way to shut him down.
I'd say she has a rather large obligation to at least help.
Lighter
PS. Sorry fir the rant, Hops
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Yuuuggggghhh.
NO apology needed and that was an RRR (Really Righteous Rant).
I cannot imagine what this felt like, except it makes my skin crawl vicariously, and I'm so sorry.
You might be right that various tone-experiments from a female triggered his entitled creepy aggression.
Or not being fully able to shut down your facial reactions or body language....
Who the hell could?
I am so so so glad he's out of there and that you soon will be.
It's just unacceptable for you to not be able to be in peace on your own property.
It will return. You're as smart as you are courageous, and you won't take risks like that again
with anyone whose vibes are unsound. No matter who recommends them.
You have good spidey sense and it's saving you.
love,
Hops
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There's no way you could've known that someone who was recommended to you, would be like this Lighter. You set boundaries and enforced them - and he continued to break them; escalating his own entitlement to do so. Yeah, the person who recommended him needs to hear the story.
Hopefully, this is the END of it now... except for getting it out of your head. Ranting expedites that sometimes, so rant away.
You couldn't possibly see this coming and know he would flip out like this.
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I agree with Amber, and am sorry I implied otherwise.
It's NEVER a woman's fault when a man behaves threateningly.
Nothing, ever, justifies that.
Creeps me out that there's a family connection but I'm glad
he's two towns away.
May he stay there and may all the support you need IRL
manifest in every way.
I hate the thought of you feeling ... that.
But I have confidence in you, Light.
xo
Hops
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He sounds like he needs serious psychiatric help, Lighter, I'm horrified for you and yes, this mortgage person needs to make sure she never refers this man to anyone again, my days, I can hardly take in what I'm reading. He sounds absolutely horrifying. I'm glad to read there are other people around for some of the time, jeeze, I can't believe this has happened after everything else you've been through, I'm so sorry xx xx xx
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Tupp:
I'm not sure if he's crazy, or crazy like a fox in that he can control himself around certain people, and much of his crazy could be for manipulation and effect.
This morning he's texting me with a level head, asking for $10 more an hour, which frankly, if you aren't calculating the emotional cost to those around him.... he's worth.
Paying him wouldn't be a problem if he'd get paid.id and go away without endless rounds of insane demands, name calling...more criticism, and threats.....runs around telling everyone I'm the one doing everything he's done. I'm the liar. I'm untrustworthy.
::Shaking head::. :shock:
Actually.....
So predictable.
Anyway, he must have kept somebody up all night spiraling through his normal cycles, then ended up talked out of his tree at 4:30am when he sent a rational text.
Last night he was threatening to have "everyone" who worked on the house write and send a letter to the "Bohemian" government.
I'm sure they weren't keen on it as they were treated with kindness, and paid cash on time with many texts to back the facts up, plus the letter he wants to write will get them in trouble.
OK, so he really wants contact with me. I sent him pic of his handwritten hours, as requested, and told texted him to send his calculations to the trustee.
He received a response for sane conduct. I never respond to his spinning.
I refuse to hope he'll remain sane, get paid....oh...now I see. He just wanted his recorded hours for his letter to the Bohemian. Silly wabbit....
Tricks are for kids.
They extended hope, you want to believe it, then they shove that hope right down your unprotected throat.
It's an amazing tactic.
Lighter
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I think perhaps I would've sent the handwritten hours to the trustee - and let them pursue payment with him. Absolutely no contact with him for you. You need the intermediary, in this case, as a witness to events -- and to keep yourself unpolluted with his crap.
Yes, rationality can be feigned... but it's ulterior motive is as bait to hook you into the back & forth again. Probably even gives him hope that you've "cooled off"... and are coming around to his way of wanting things - in his fantasy-land version of events. I've played that game, far too long.
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Yes yes yes, to no no NO contact.
He will manipulate beyond belief as long as there is a shred of communication.
Negative attention is still attention. That's his craving.
Worryworry,
Hops
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Hops, I was thinking about how this happened to me. Again. I made an ivert bargain with men, not one man.....they got an hourly fee to get house in shape, then went for free with understanding they'd do little jobs here and there each trip.
That deal already exists in their circle.... it's a proven winner.
So, bartering was a good idea, at least with 2 if the guys. The unstable one just couldn't remain level, which is a shame. We both stood to gain things and improve our lives.
I can't have this place in shape without skilled people spending time here.
Contractor started to believe he was so important....he could do anything and we'd put up with it. He was wrong, and I regret letting him get away with the first transgression. Even though we had plenty of talks about what I was done doing, or allowing. He has some default self destructive button he has to push.
As I think about it....he may realize he pushed it....feel driven to push it. It seems compulsive, rather than pathological.
And, yes.... I have to go zero contact with him. I must.
Lighter