Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: lighter on May 16, 2018, 09:25:02 AM
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A thunderstorm rolled in... I was in the shower when the crash and banging of thunder started.
My timeline thwarted, I'm having tea, and starting a new thread about the island. I don't want any negative stuff smearing other threads, so will put it here, if necessary.
Sometimes I have to write something down to get it out of my head.
Lighters
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Good idea, Lighter, different focus - I will contribute a little story, completely unconnected but hopefully a diversion :)
We're staying in our little air bnb; we were watching TV last night about 10.30 when someone knocked the door. One of the neighbours of the lady we are renting the little annexe from had found said lady's dog wandering the street, said lady wasn't home and neighbour couldn't get hold of her. I tried her but no answer so we took the little dog in with us. He is the cutest little thing, very sweet and gentle, he had a little wander round and I gave him some chicken from the fridge before he crashed out on the rug and went to sleep. I woke up early hours of the morning to use the loo and the landlady came and knocked the door; the place had been in darkness when she came home so she didn't like to disturb us but when she saw the light go on she came to reclaim little dog; he was so cute and when I picked him up to pass him out to her he put his little paw up to me like a canine high 5 :) So cute :) So we have had our little animal adventure :)
I love storms! I love the drama and the crashing and that whole "I'm Mother Nature and I'm kicking some arse!" feeling about them. And the lovely clean, fresh feeling they leave behind. Sounds like a sign for a fresh start, Lighter :) xx
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So....Tupp.... I loved the cute pooch story. Thank you for that.
As of this morning I have a new rule for myself....
No showers without at least two candles lit, and providing all the light in the bathing room.
This place is so 1950s.... I want to shift the mood, and drink in that vibe. Out with the ick, and in with the charm....Amber, I'm channeling you directly here.
I'm using all your filters, in fact. I want to see this place through fresh eyes.
Lighter
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Hmmmm.... 50s beach kitsch... yes, that would work! I'm less of a fan of the mid-century style for a cottage, but I've seen that work too. Some happy bright colors, but not overwhelming. Maybe some rag rugs to soften the floor in some places? Pillows... cafe curtains. As much as blinds and interior shutters are so useful to filter the sun, curtains are easier to wash/replace.
And I like seeing them blow in a breeze...
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Another rainy morning....locals call off their entire day if it rains, apparently. I did what I could with half hung shutter...made sure measurements good, called on tools, called absent workers then went down to beach...my favorite time. Low tide with tidal pools...fish and little crabs skittering about.
I like tiny perfect shells, tiny imperfect shells, translucent shells, big shells, colorful shells, all washed up corals (I have a corals garden started!) Tiny green shells are my favorite. I found 2 today. I like broken iff horns from conch shells....and rocks. Ones that feel good in my hand...ones with translucent layers...ones smoothed into lovely shapes, or with holes drilled through by the tides. I'm starting a rock garden too...will get drill and begin building Cairns....drills should be here today!
I also love seaglass, and splashing in the pools.
Lord, that feels like a singles ad😝
Anyway, going into town, will have dinner there, and hopefully pick up tools. Massage scheduled for morning with yoga instructor... She works the yachts typically. I got lucky, and finally scored an appointment.
Lighter
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Long walks on the beach.... 8)
I'm SO glad you have a massage coming.
Shells....once after a hurricane I was at the southernmost end of the OBX with a friend in mid-April and the storm had blown thousands of perfect conch shells onto the point... We went away with grocery bags full and not a dent in the numbers. It was magic. I gave most away but kept a gorgeous black one with a small white shell wedged into it.
And dating...I'll stick that on Heist.
xo
Hops
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Hops....
Conch shells. I love the ones that look like cement...the BIG ones. The perfect ones. The baby ones....the imperfect ones...the medium sized ones. The ones without the holes from being harvested are better.
:: nodding::
I liked reading about your miraculous shell find. I bet it was amazing to share with a friend.
Once the girls and I found hundreds of perfect huge dried dragonflies in Florida... I so wanted to keep them, but didn't. It was magical just to share finding such beautiful creatures together.
Lighter
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Shells came with me, Lighter. I have a big jar full... and a small glass full of those teeny tiny shells too.
Worst comes to worst - I can break them up and use them like bonemeal in the garden. But they're still my "pretties" - so not yet.
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I've always wanted to make jewelry with the sea glass and perhaps even the shells. I should take some classes on jewelry making.
I'm sure your pretty s are right where they belong, Amber.
My hardware store guy didn't get to my tools till after closing, and was certain I should come by in the morning, not before, to claim them. I'm so itchy to get finished with shutters.... won't be early in am now.
I have massage, then go North, and meet with bug Guy handy man at his home somewhere on way to or from hardware store. I spoke to him on the phone and couldn't understand a lot if what he said. I believe I get to meet his whole family in his home.
My fixer taxi driver is off island, so that's not ideal.
So last night I was in for dinner again. I had huge salad, and cooked the raw onion salad I made with bitter orange, oregano, and oil poured over top after bringing to the smoking point.....Cuban, yummy. They were tangy, and carneluzed perfectly.... electric skillets rock. They really do.
I had grits and tuna for breakfast the other day at the resort on this island. I wasn't sure what I'd get....the locals were having sardines and grits, I noticed. I wasn't that brave, so got the tuna.....it was a plate full of yellow grits, and fluffy cold tuna salad..... marvelous together. Ate the whole thing then wanted a nap. I get the cracked conch at the end if the drive quite a bit....deep fried and very tender. Might do that soon and have with salad and rest if citrusy onions.
Must check weather....so much rain. I should have planted palm trees.
Lighter
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I love the way you ground yourself, Lighter.
In beauty,
in things of nature,
in the flavors of food.
This sounds so healing.
Good for you.
I feel better FOR you.
And for your adrenals!
I have a package of lentils on my stove that I call "Lighter's Lentils" every time I look at them.
Not sure which thread you gave me that simple recipe on, but I'm going to find it, and cook them in your honor. This weekend. Without Fail.
xo
Hops
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I love those lentils, Hops. I could live on them, HAVE lived on them, but a bit allergic. You enjoy, though Real olive oil, onions, tomatoes cooked into a paste, then garlic cooked a bit then clean lentils and water. If your lucky enough to find black lentils, don't overcook. Chopping radishes, tomatoes, carrots and parsley very small for accompanying salad is walking meditation for me. Red wine vinegar, lemon, nature's seasons and good olive oil, once again, and you have perfection on a plate, IMO.
Switching gears here, I have 10 day TPO in place back home, and Thursday morning court date to extend to one year. Attorney friend will be there to make sure all bases covered. Have to produce texts, and wittle story down so I don't sound insane telling it. Repeating details of disordered people's conduct CAN make us sound deranged if we fail to think it through, IME.
There are rules to these things, and I have time to get it straight, thank goodness.
Going North....hammer drill I picked up yesterday requires special tips. Regardless of set back, we got remaining hurricane shutters up... So difficult with regular drill ( thank God ordered it too!) Will get more drill bits to drill out rest of job....many shutters only have 6 tapcons holding them up. I have such relief.....able to drink coffee again now....can you tell?
That's my update. Going North with renter....we work very well together! Yay.
Lighter
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Glad that the renter is a good egg, Lighter, you need a good egg right now. TPO, is that a restraining order of some kind? Whatever it is it sounds like a good move. I've found bullet pointing helpful when explaining crazy behaviour to people - x action occured/was said - I felt threatened/afraid for my safety etc. Short and to the point. I've read the bullet points outloud before rather than trying to explain, I don't know if they might let you do that? Don't know how different your legal system is to ours. Whatever way works out best, this all sounds like healthy steps forward. I'm glad xx
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Tupp:
I've been thinking about how to tell this story so I'm heard, and not sabotaged by contractor or myself. I posted a bit on your thread about it, actually.
I'm going to journal it all out. Get my head straight. Examine my evidence....domestic violence Counselor wants texts, etc....have to do what I already know to do.....tell the parts of the story I can prove, and hold compassion for contractor while doing it.
Since I can't prove all the crazy, I'll stick to what he's typed, and admitted to. My statement to first Judge was super brief, and she felt contractor was immediate threat....gave me 10 day protective order.
I'm not clear on it really....but he has to stay so many feet away. Not contact me. Thursday I ask a different aJudge for a year long Order. Anither woman filed charges on him for assault, and uttering threats in 2016. I have her contact info and will ask her if she has input. He was also convicted of battery on another man.
The thing that bothers me a lot is his focus on making me kill him. He wrote that's the best I can do....wrote I was making a big deal over his brandishing the knife at me......said he wanted to talk things out the followed up with...
" You can punch stab me.."
He's fixated on violence. He was escalating, and that's all I need to focus on. Those few things are enough. His chaos isn't relevant. How he feels, how I feel.....just not relevant.
The facts, the evidence tells what my theory of this case is. Not my fear, or his threats I can't prove.
Whew.
I feel better.
((Tupp))
Thanks for being there.
Lighter
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Tupp:
I've been thinking about how to tell this story so I'm heard, and not sabotaged by contractor or myself. I posted a bit on your thread about it, actually.
I'm going to journal it all out. Get my head straight. Examine my evidence....domestic violence Counselor wants texts, etc....have to do what I already know to do.....tell the parts of the story I can prove, and hold compassion for contractor while doing it.
Since I can't prove all the crazy, I'll stick to what he's typed, and admitted to. My statement to first Judge was super brief, and she felt contractor was immediate threat....gave me 10 day protective order.
I'm not clear on it really....but he has to stay so many feet away. Not contact me. Thursday I ask a different aJudge for a year long Order. Anither woman filed charges on him for assault, and uttering threats in 2016. I have her contact info and will ask her if she has input. He was also convicted of battery on another man.
The thing that bothers me a lot is his focus on making me kill him. He wrote that's the best I can do....wrote I was making a big deal over his brandishing the knife at me......said he wanted to talk things out the followed up with...
" You can punch stab me.."
He's fixated on violence. He was escalating, and that's all I need to focus on. Those few things are enough. His chaos isn't relevant. How he feels, how I feel.....just not relevant.
The facts, the evidence tells what my theory of this case is. Not my fear, or his threats I can't prove.
Whew.
I feel better.
((Tupp))
Thanks for being there.
Lighter
Yes, sounds perfect, Lighter, focus on the proveable, particularly as there's enough for a case and he has history!! How does this mortgage lady know him? I'm horrified she's recommending someone so dangerous and unstable. The judge sounds as if she knows her stuff and won't be dismissive of 'female hysteria', which is good. And good for you for going straight to the top and getting this sorted - he may have done this to other people and not been reported. He needs to be stopped. Can they order psychiatric or psychological help in the States? I know here they can insist on certain treatments or therapies being part of the rehabilitation package.. Whatever goes next, I hope it is sorted as quickly and efficiently as possible. Always here for you, my lovely friend xx xx
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Focus on not caring about what happens to him, as a result of this form of self-defense. You DON'T CARE - because you already gave him every opportunity prove that he cares about how his words & actions affect you, and he crossed that boundary, escalating to more violence each time. YOU are not responsible for his feelings, or what happens to him at this point. DONE.
Even if he'd only chosen to go the "I'm desperately in love with you; need you; can't breathe without you" route... you would STILL be in the right about your decision. That isn't enough justification for you to have see, hear, or deal with him AT ALL... and that's your right as a human being. To choose those people who you will interact with. Those types, will try to use your compassion against you. I firmly believe you shouldn't hand them that "weapon".
Mantra: "Just LEAVE ME ALONE".
Yeah, I'm turning into a tough old broad. I adore men in all their forms too. But I'll be damned if I let that get in the way of my sanity, security, and choosing how I live. And being free from fear - there's a limited amount of that, that we can create, control, and manage - so I consider that a priority, given there's so much we can't control. I enjoy my life WITHIN certain boundaries and try very hard not to negatively impact others. I expect the same from everyone else I have to deal with... and will use every tool at hand to enforce that, before resorting to the very last option.
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I accomplished a lot today, though we're waiting for the grinder to appear in morning. Too close for comfort.....just too close.
Tonight I bag up all meds, fabrics and kitchen stuff so bug man can spray tomorrow. It was overcast but dry, so I sturdied up stairs, got hinge screws completed, painted chipped parts if stuffed fish, painted screw heads white fir shutter job tomorrow, and color coded all four locks so I know which keys go to each.
The housekeeper comes tomorrow. Will tackle worst of construction dust with her while renter handles shutters.... there's so little to do....almost there to have them done!
Drapes down and bagged already. I have leftover chicken curry....wicked hot....so good.
Will organize tools in shipping container. Not sure I want renter taking out his sliding door, and replacing it without me. He and I work well together....we need each other's brains to figure stuff out far as I can tell.
That also calls for me leaving tools with him..... I can't come back to having large expensive items stolen again. It's just been too difficult.
I will tell him we'll tackle it this summer together.....when the mosquitoes arrive.😣
Lighter
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Update on cottage.... shutters completed the afternoon I left. Yay.
I headed to airport early, in case I encountered some kind of sabotage.... like contractor falsely accusing me of smuggling drugs, or whatever his little mind came up with. So many threats.
Nothing happened, except my preferred cab driver spent time talking about C....it was weird, and I was having none of that talk.....any relationship involving violence is over for me. Done. Fini. Didn't want to talk about it, but he just kept up. I know that cabbie feels deep sympathy for C, bc C seeks sympathy out on his best day.....then laughs about it later.
Bug guy never showed, so I set off two bombs and left keys with my renter.... I trust him. I hope I'm choosing wisely. He did a great job overseeing C's removal, and went North to watch C board plane, and take off. This was good, bc C sending texts he got off plane and coming my way. Meant to scare me.
Nonsensical, but there it is.
Court hearing for year long restraining order at 9am. I went through all remaining texts today... Getting clear on what I want to share. Not much. Attorney friend said Judge is older Southern gentleman who hates liars and nonsense. One more reason to be super brief.
I know this is only paper. The thing is, I have to document properly, and hope it deters stupid lashing out. Doing less is, I'm, asking for more chais, and crazy.
Zero tolerance is my new norm....at least that's my hope.
Lighter
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I'm not sure of the time difference, Lighter, but I hope the hearing goes/has gone well. I'm hoping an older Southern gentleman will have little time for violent men who threaten and harass recently bereaved women.
Glad that you got your shutters up at last. Is that all the work on the island done now or will you be going back again?
Three cheers for zero tolerance. It's just too tiring trying to accommodate other people's unpleasantness - or maybe more specifically their refusal (or inability) to see that what they do is unpleasant. Nice people grounded in reality welcome - everyone else can move along. Well done to you, Lighter, you've really pulled out all the stops this last few weeks. A lot of life in a short space of time and you've come through it admirably, as always xx
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Thanks, Tupp:
The hearing turned into an all day wait and see. I was early, then learned the court never received verification of service on the C. I finally made the call myself, and 5 minutes later, had it.
Then it was time for lunch.
After lunch the Judge was late, cranky and eager to clear his calendar. I swear he wanted to continue my case. I d been there all day, the service took place on the 21st ..he needed to hear my case.
Earlier in the day the Judge was lovely, and gave out year long restraining orders like candy.
After lunch he said NO more often than not, and was kinda' mean. I was relegated to dead last, and the case before me was 3 feisty Southerners....there was yelling, cussing, recirded ravings directed at children, lying, finger pointing.... I was shaking halfway through, and upset badly at the end.
Then the Judge gruffly ordered me on the stand, and I struggled, then got the Order. Whew....a really bad day, with a better ending. Picked up kids a tad late, but with Order in hand.
I'm at a W Virginia vet office now waiting to get Pug girl's anal glands drained, but that's another story for another thread.
All in all, we're doing fine.
Lighter
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Aw, Lighter, I wish I could have been there with you to chat and take your mind off things a bit and keep fetching you water and cups of tea :) I'm glad tired and cranky Judge still got the job done despite being tired and cranky, and glad that crazy workman needs to keep his distance now. What a mad rollercoaster you've been on this last few weeks. I'm looking forward to a time when you can get back to your meal planning and your moss :)
Glad all okay. Hope there's some time for rest, now, and fun xx
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Glad the restraining order is in hand, Lighter,
and I hope the crazy contractor is out of your town
for good.
Hops
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I'm ending this thread on a good note. My father's ashes went into the ground Saturday, and we had a touching service we all felt was right... at least the sibs felt it was good and right.
It began storming as we finished, and the moss and hosta we planted enjoyed a good drink.
There were many storms over the weekend, but they were all lightening and thunder... nothing between people. We enjoyed Aunts and Uncles, and cousins.... such nice people. SO many lovely people. My girls got to be around nice men, and they saw flaws, and strengths alike. Honestly, it was an amazing experience, and so that ends this threat.
Lighter
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OK. I wanted to just stop thinking about the contractor. I DID try. Very hard.
And then I received registered mail claiming the contractor received the wrong court date, had no chance to defend himself at the victorious hearing (that cost me an entire nerve wracking day) and he'll have a chance to explain to the Judge WHY he deserves to have that Order set aside.
The idea he'll testify I DID ALL THE THINGS HE DID is throwing me for an entire loop. I'm glad it's a very short loop, but... it's a definite loop. I don't want to SEE him. I don't want to look into his eyes, and I don't want to be questioned by him.
Honestly, I don't want to see him come unglued in the courtroom, which is likely, IME.
Lighter
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OK. I wanted to just stop thinking about the contractor. I DID try. Very hard.
And then I received registered mail claiming the contractor received the wrong court date, had no chance to defend himself at the victorious hearing (that cost me an entire nerve wracking day) and he'll have a chance to explain to the Judge WHY he deserves to have that Order set aside.
The idea he'll testify I DID ALL THE THINGS HE DID is throwing me for an entire loop. I'm glad it's a very short loop, but... it's a definite loop. I don't want to SEE him. I don't want to look into his eyes, and I don't want to be questioned by him.
Honestly, I don't want to see him come unglued in the courtroom, which is likely, IME.
Lighter
(((((((((((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Is this a legal doc, from his solicitor, or a letter from him? I can't see a judge entertaining this in the UK, but I don't know if the system is similar in the States. The Judge wouldn't have served the order if he'd had any doubt that this was just a row between two people. You had evidence, clear evidence. Have you taken legal advice on this? And if not, can you? xx xx xx
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If he comes unglued in front of the judge - methinks the judge will properly assess him.
If he plays victim, sobs about how much he loves you and that this is all a big misunderstanding - methinks the judge will ask him about the knife thing.
If he brings a lawyer to have the order set aside - on the basis of a contract dispute - then he/she (the judge) will be asking about all the personal crap.
Yes, it's normal to jump to the conclusion that he'll be able to fool the judge. All of us here, struggle with that reflex fear. Sadly the proliferation of just his kind of "crazy" has taught a lot of the judges some hard, hard lessons about how the contractor's type works. But that's good in the long run, because they aren't so easily suckered into believing them.
I'm so sorry he couldn't just let it go Lighter. Mantra: just leave me alone, remember. The order only applies to you and him; and in no way restricts his ability to go on about his life or business. HE HAS NO RIGHT TO CONTACT YOU in any way shape or form; the Trustee will handle the business dealings. And IMO, his motion only proves your need for the court order.
Best of luck, kiddo. This kind of thing - and Holly's current situation - have me not checking anymore to see if the Viking has replied to me yet. I have bigger fish to fry than to get bogged down with something that comes out of the blue like this. Just not worth taking that chance right now.
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Thanks, tupp, and Amber.
I am stricken, once again, by the level of exposure having ANYTHING to do with another human being brings, or can bring.
I'm very frustrated, and I mean frustrated over things that happened 15 years ago, 10 years ago, and last night. It's culminating, and boiling to the surface. It FEEEEEEELS so unfair that I have to get dragged back into court with disordered nut jobs (I know, remember compassion), and this has all my attention right now.
I had other things to do. Now I'm organizing evidence, AGAIN, and trying to think 3 steps ahead of a.......
::Thinking "nit job" but working to find a kinder word::
a.....
lying liar willing to do or say anything to make this last longer, and do maximum harm.
It gives them such an edge, IME. It really does, and the truth is.... I haven't made peace with that reality from the last 10 year go'round. I haven't.
::sigh::.
Once I figure out if this wrong courtdate stuff is a lie, I'll know if I have to pull evidence together again.
I'll feel better.
Will contact the victim's advocacy guy in the Courthouse, and see what I need to do IF contractor lying about the courtdate.
::Blowing huge raspberries all over THIS stuff::..
And Amber.....
THIS is the stuff that makes it difficult to consider inviting another human being INTO our worlds again, you're right about that.
Lighter
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This would be "triggering" in contrails.
I'm so sorry, Lighter.
Breeeeaaaaaathe, and do you best to keep them separate.
I'm so sorry, I can imagine.
hugs
Hops
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Thanks, tupp, and Amber.
I am stricken, once again, by the level of exposure having ANYTHING to do with another human being brings, or can bring.
I'm very frustrated, and I mean frustrated over things that happened 15 years ago, 10 years ago, and last night. It's culminating, and boiling to the surface. It FEEEEEEELS so unfair that I have to get dragged back into court with disordered nut jobs (I know, remember compassion), and this has all my attention right now.
I had other things to do. Now I'm organizing evidence, AGAIN, and trying to think 3 steps ahead of a.......
::Thinking "nit job" but working to find a kinder word::
a.....
lying liar willing to do or say anything to make this last longer, and do maximum harm.
It gives them such an edge, IME. It really does, and the truth is.... I haven't made peace with that reality from the last 10 year go'round. I haven't.
::sigh::.
Once I figure out if this wrong courtdate stuff is a lie, I'll know if I have to pull evidence together again.
I'll feel better.
Will contact the victim's advocacy guy in the Courthouse, and see what I need to do IF contractor lying about the courtdate.
::Blowing huge raspberries all over THIS stuff::..
And Amber.....
THIS is the stuff that makes it difficult to consider inviting another human being INTO our worlds again, you're right about that.
Lighter
Lighter, it is unfair. I hope it doesn't happen, that this is all sorted out without you having to do anything. But it is unfair, and you don't need to feel compassion for people who are deluded, aggressive, demanding, angry, violent, dishonest or any other kind of thing you can think of. You save your compassion for yourself.
It's alright to give this your attention, right now, Lighter, you're in survival mode and rightly so. You don't need to sail through this without experiencing emotion or feeling dreadful. This guy threatened you in your own home. He's harassed and harangued you. He's quite clearly unstable and this isn't a situation where you've been triggered by a perfume or some other quite minor thing, this guy is a dangerous nutter. You've got every right to be angry about what's going on. And you don't need to make peace with the last ten years; you survived it, you got through it and it will bite you on the arse from time to time.
For now, focus on facts. Is this letter from him or from his solicitor? I don't know how different the laws are there, here the police would contact the subject of a restraining order if a further court date was needed. What's your solicitor saying? Don't deal with this on your own. If it's from a sol, are you sure it's a genuine letter? The whole thing sounds like hooeey to me and I wouldn't trust this bloke not to have found some bizarre way to contact you again. Fact check, every step, with the right professionals. Log the contact with the police. Are there groups that help with this sort of thing? In the UK we've got Women's Aid, do you have something similar. Circle your wagons, Lighter, and don't deal with this on your own. Get the police and other professionals involved and let them handle it. If you need to take a little holiday away from all of this for a few days then you go.
It is stuff like this that makes us scared to let people in and do you know what, sometimes you need to be scared, because some people are bloody crackpots. There's nothing wrong with being aware that some people shouldn't be in our lives; they won't bring anything good to our door and they're best to be avoided. And make sure you tell this mortgage woman that she's recommending a dangerous nutter to people; she needs to be stopped as well.
Keep us updated but get others involved, Lighter, police and solicitors, make sure everyone knows what's going on xx
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So I went to the courthouse this morning, perfectly prepared to file contempt with the magistrate IF the date wasn't hinky or wrong on the copy served on the contractor.... and the 4 in the 24 had a rounded OPEN loop that could be interpreted as a 9 by some.... one of the clerks in the courtroom saw a 9. One saw a 4.
The bottom line is we're going to court again, and the contractor will be there, with an attorney, and no one knows for what. WILL the court determine the 4 looks like a 9 and reset another hearing date? WILL the court go ahead and listen to evidence, and rule from the bench that day?
No one knows. All I know is the date, and name of my Judge. My attorney will fill me in later about this Judge, though she says all the Judges are smart, conscientious, and care very deeply about doing the very best job possible. I think they're miles ahead of the Atlanta courts, just from what I've seen with my own eyes.... well... outside this silly keeping up with an elusive summons thing that they didn't know was served, or when, or what exactly the penned in court date was.
Honestly, it's like this summons has a life all it's own, and it's name is chaos. I've chased it down TWICE now.
This morning I've been contemplating what exactly C will do in court. Will he come unglued, will he hear something that clicks in his head, and sends him over the edge? That's his thing.... to do terrible things, and say it's my fault, bc something about me makes him crazy. Mind you, I mostly ignore him, and get on with juggling the business at hand, and children. I'm stoic, that's my thing. I cringe at drama... he's uber dramatic. I understate, he wails like a child for attention.... overstating... hyperbole is his communication style.
So, I'm centered, and calm after SEEING what the problem with the summons is. I couldn't look at it and figure it out, bc I SAW a 4. I showed up to court on the right day. I got my Order.
I got my Order.
There were 2 calls from a blocked number yesterday..... I missed them. Not sure I would have answered them anyway if I'd seen them. One right after the other. It could have been C, and I don't care if it was. I'm not sure if I should write a final payment and put it in the mail today, or just hand it to him with all his stuff I shlepped back at the courthouse.
The girls sniff for cigarette smoke when they go outside the house.... C chain smokes. He's nervous now, he'll be chain smoking wherever he is. I look for cig butts around my yard. None, but I remember picking them up BEFORE this safari started.
So, Tupp... sorry for not answering your questions... I wasn't sure what was going on myself. I filed for a protection order. The C actually went to the sheriff's office and picked up his summons, which is to say he received service, then was obligated to show up on the chosen courdate to defend himself against the Order. He failed to show, and I received the Order for a one year period of time. C showed up on the wrong date, with a lawyer, to defend himself. The Judge agreed there was a problem with the penned in date, and gave him another day in court. I have to show up ready to prove my case, again.
I'll write out the truth... distill it down, over and over until it's clear and easy to speak about in minimal terms.... only the meat, no bun, or condiments please. Just the stuff I can prove, and no PD details that make me appear insane.
This is a cycle I recogni9ze, and it helps to know it runs it's course.... I spin, gather information, figure out what has to be done, then busy myself doing it..... calm is restored.
There's a reason this paperwork hiccup happened? IS there? Am I supposed to be spending this much time in a courthouse again? IF so, why, and to what purpose? I'm attempting to view this without judgment, and just see what happens.
That's a much better place to live in, IME. I guess, with enough practice, we get better and better at coming back to center. We KNOW what's going on, and how it works.
Lighter
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YOU, LIGHTER...
are not responsible for his feelings or behavior. You also don't have to let him "get in your head" either, knocking you off center. Don't give him the satisfaction, Mz. Amazon.
You'll be OK; it's all going to be all right. By law, the judge will have to hear this again - including all Mr. Wack-jobs delusions and denials. From the judge's point of view, this is probably just a formality, and it's not going to change his/her opinion on the original order.
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Thanks for reminding me this is likely just a formality for the Judge.
My attorney and I have gone back and forth over the dates to determine just how big a chance the Defendant has of convincing this Judge her handwriting is shite, she wrote the actual wrong date on the summons (unlikely as I MADE THE DATE) and should the Judge bite, that the Defendant's attorney couldn't do the math to see that the case couldn't possibly be set for the 11th day after any ex parte order of protection is written IN OUR STATE. The law states the hearing has to happen in a ten day time period.
Lapsing into naval gazing, my attorney and I have asked everyone around us what they SEE when they look at the dates. Most see a 24, some see a 29.
Attorney says there's a 50/50 chance this Judge will allow another full hearing. Attorney says matters like these, out of the ordinary, are taken first, and disposed of quickly, though attorney unsure whether another court date will be set, or if the hearing will go forward right then and there. I'd rather just get it over with, frankly, esp if we get to have the hearing first thing in the morning.
::shaking head::.
Can anyone think of questions for the D that will help the Judge figure out what happened, and whether or not she needs to have another hearing?
Lighter
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Do you have an attorney for this situation, Light?
I don't feel I can help with legal interview ideas but I hope someone who knows how CAN.
Good luck with this, may it stay simple and go smoothly!
Hugs
Hops
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Yes, Hops, I have an attorney. She's working on how to get this thrown out, but will see.
Lighter
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OK.... this Judge is my attorney's mentor. Opposing counsel is from out of the county, so he has a better chance of using incompetence as reason to have another hearing, but he's also an outsider. May cancel itself out, .
From where I sit, opposing counsel and contractor are coming to court to whine about their mistake.
If contractor has ability to be heard, I'm wondering if the Judge will make him testify alone, and give cause as to why she, this Judge, should reverse the Superior Court judge who gave me the Order.
I already testified. I already got my Order. Defendant is the only one asking to be heard. Some of the texts I would have used to prove he pulled the knife and threatened me are on my sister's phone, now in another country. She showed up on the proper court date with her phone, prepared to testify.
I feel OK about this, but I go round and round, what if till this is over.
I wish I could record in the courtroom, but this deputy is hawk eye on the spot. Can't even have phone out, much less on, or pointed at someone.
Lighter
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Ahhh, can't even imagine how difficult this scene is for you Lighter.
Only thing I can think of, which you should only heed to whatever degree feels right, is....
Now...with this....
Is it time to accept powerlessness (in a way), let your attorney be your advocate, and let go?
By that I mean only, you've done all you can. Hyper vigilance probably isn't needed for this crazy dude. If you can keep a lid on your fear (I know, easy to say) then your vibe/demeanor will be...
I know justice will be done.
You can convey that without deep involvement in the machinery of it. Maybe this time, you need to not be. You have already done a very clear, very rational job of providing all the info you could. I don't know, but I believe, chances are this is enough.
I hope it is. Maybe, this time, you do not need to be battle-ready. Because your attorney will take care of you.
Maybe it will actually be a good thing, to trust in someone's help.
I do not know but semi-rationally hope, this is right. (And if it proves wrong I promise you humble apologies....)
xxoo
Hops
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I hope my attorney handles this motion, and the Judge denies it, frankly.
Attorney just texted she wants X amount of money to handle motion in the morning, then, should she fail, will ask for a continuance so she can go over all my evidence.
I'm not happy with wasting another day in court, listening to all the nightmares, finding myself shaking... sweating right before I have to get on the stand, bc of screaming, threatening, crazy people.
I'd rather just go, and get it over with, like pulling of a band aid.
Or going to the dentist.
BTW I didn't have any issues at dentist today, but dentist couldn't tell me that without announcing there were THREE issues, then saying he couldn't speak of them till exam was over. I wanted to scream at him..... WATCHING ISSUES OR DRILLING ISSUES!?!?! Instead I stopped him, politely, and asked in a normal voice.
WTH? You don't just announce to someone who struggles with teeth cleanings that there are THREE issues without saying they're things we're "watching." WATCHING Not drilling, or working up a treatment plan.
I feel the same about the legal stuff. I have just as much anxiety over it, feelings of helplessness are huge, and I'm not going to handle this hanging over my head for another week or two or three. It's not fair. I was in court on the proper day, and my attorney will do her best to put the whiney boy's request where it belongs.
::sigh::
OK, Hops. I'm going to work on doing all I can, then just letting go.
And I've prepared hours and hours and hours of evidence prep for tomorrow.
HOURS.
OK...
I have to whine a bit more before i can let it go...
apparently.
I'll have to re remember all the dates AGAIN if this gets pushed back. My memory isn't stellar when I'm not under pressure like this.
My attorney knew this was coming for a while. That she doesn't want to prepare to go forward is now my problem, and bGod knows what she'll want to charge for yet another appearance, this time going through with the hearing. She'll have earned her X dollars if she gets this thrown out, I'll say that, and hope for the best.
Lighter
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I'm trying to remain curious during this process in court today.
So far the attorneys are talking about money and settling what's owed to contractor. If can settle that, and leave protective order in place, this day may be productive and DRAT!
Hope seeps in. That's how it happens, right there.
So, what we're here for today is that messy 4 on the summons. Guess who has the only copy where the 4 looks "bad,"....like a nine for sure?
Yup, contractor took a pen and marked his copy....my attorney not sure what this Judge would do with it. My attorney doesn't want to point out all other copies look different.
I feel like I'm being toyed with by a child who never has to suffer consequences fir his actions.
Lighter
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Deal struck. Now, if I can get a handwritten order signed by all parties NOW maybe won't have to do this again when Contractor spins and changes mind while attorneys bicker over language in an Order he won't end up signing.
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We settled everything in less than 2 hours, wrote out a handwritten contract, and had everyone sign it before lunch, which the Judge held up for us.
I'm happy with the outcome. I paid contractor what I was offering to pay him the day I fired him.... exactly what he said he was owed that day. He was asking for double today, and that's strange, bc this wasn't supposed to be about a fee dispute.
My attorney said that it appeared a fee dispute was all opposing counsel prepared for... OC hadn't done any homeworkl on the Motion before the court today.
My attorney thinks that, and the fact this attorney has never tried a case EVER, helped get the deal done, which she was pushing for so it was behind me.
I'm so grateful.
Lighter
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So Protective/Restraining Order is in place, you'll pay your bill, and he's out of your hair for good.
HOOO -AHHH!
Now it's time to relax and worry about things like yard work.
Much better for the psyche.
Hugs
Hops
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Bet you find your "zen mode" weeding the moss again Lighter. ;)
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Yup yup yup.... back to moss, and figuring out class schedule for myself.
I paid my attorney happily.... she charged me less than an Atlanta attorney would have charged me for an half hour. Amazing, and she did lots of research last night, and was brilliant today. Just brilliant.
Lighter
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Lighter, I had missed all of this as we had no internet while we were away, my heart was in my mouth reading those posts but I am so glad it all got settled and quickly. When you say his copy had the dodgy looking 4 do you mean it looked like he changed it himself?? To deliberately cause another problem? I am so glad this guy is gone and all legal stuff sorted; I'm guessing there's no comeback now as everyone's had their chance to go to court and say what they need to? I'm glad it's all over for you. What a bizarre and frightening experience to have been through. I wish they would set up an island to put all the crazy makers so they can drive each other nuts and leave the rest of us alone xx
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Yes, Tupp. A messy 4, on all the copies AND original absolutely looked like a definitive 9 on the contractor's paperwork. That's not to say that his copy wasn't worse... it was the only faxed copy. All the other copies were made on a copy machine... this one was faxed to another County. My feeling is that he had a terrible copy, took a pen, marked it into a worse copy, then copied it again.
::nodding::.
Yes. He did this to add time, trouble, and expense. Confusion is his cologne.
If I didn't say yesterday, my attorney was gobsmacked when opposing counsel explained the knife incident needed to be placed into context..... OC told my attorney that only happened bc I was refusing to give the contractor the empathy he was asking for, and so menacing me with a knife was understandable. :shock:
My attorney was mortified.... she's gay, in her late 30's, and did not see that as a reasonable action. Neither did she believe this Judge would.
So, that means that this attorney is one of the "wolf pack" buddies this contractor drinks with nightly. They belong to their own He Man Women Haters Group, justifying each others terrible situations and behaviors, and reassuring themselves that it's ALL THE WOMAN'S FAULT... nothing to do with them. Interesting to see it seep into the courthouse. They have zero shame. They don't believe women have equal rights. They see interpersonal terrorism as normal courtship behavior. It's not pathological.... they kind'a know it's wrong, but they, in their hearts, believe that's the way the world should work, and they're clinging on for dear life. Sad, really.
Tupp.... here's the thing about PD's causing problems in the legal system. Usually the system is full of PD's and people who are easily manipulated, or people who make money off of conflict.... think type A attorneys, many N's, IME.
Once the PD does something, someone else, or more than one, can ramp up the problem, and add months, sometimes years to the process.
IN THIS COUNTY the Judges and attorneys know each other. There's an easy feeling... very friendly, and I will way they seem to have the litigants under control... they call a case, it gets heard right then and there, or settled outside the courtroom in little conference rooms with glass panels into the courtroom. Attorneys control their clients, keeping the topic to JUST THE FACTS AT HAND, and getting to solutions without wasting any time at all. In fact, I never spoke to opposing counsel or saw contractor's face. That means litigants aren't triggered by words, or voices, or facial expressions... just brilliant strategy for attorney's who want to settle a case, and move on. I've never seen anything like it. Ever.
I think it's all about intention.... this system isn't run by jaded, corrupt, bitter old misogynists. Nope nope nope. The male attorneys are as nice as the female attorneys, no one is competitive. They all want to protect and serve the families in this civil family court.... I was amazed. They should bottle the formula, hire only these kinds of attorneys, and implement it in all States, and Counties, IMO. Honestly, it didn't even feel like court to me, it was so different from my experiences in Atlanta family court.
I wish the crazy people could enjoy epiphanies.... find their humanity and be healed, but that's not going to happen.
About this being over... I kind'a think it's over but for contractor telling everyone he knows that I cheated. stole, and lied....telling them what he did to me, and that the bitch was asking for it. I have to remember there's no use trying to explain to people who will not hear.
I have to be more careful about who I let into any part of my life. That's my part in this.
Lighter
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Lighter, my skin is crawling. Malevolent is the word that keeps coming in to my mind when I read about this guy. And the whole trivialising the knife thing - wow. That normalisation of abuse or violence is what keeps the cycle going, in my opinion. Thank goodness for people like you who stand up to men like that, both the contractor and the attorney that thinks this should be seen in context (!). You've handled this magnificently. As for being careful about who you let in to your life - it's very difficult, particularly in a work situation. This guy was recommended to you as someone who would get the job done - not to be a friend or to have any personal ties. I don't see how you could have been aware that he'd be the way he is. You wouldn't have had your guard up because he was just there to work and get paid. He was recommended and that would usually be a good thing.
The contractor will most probably paint himself the victim, it's what they do. Smart people will see through him, others won't. I think it's a tough aspect of this, knowing you're being bad mouthed by someone who should be grateful they're not in jail, quite frankly. You did a grand job, as always. Know that and focus on your own amazing self :) xx
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What
She
Said
I know, been very distracted in my posts lately but I'm following, promise!
And so glad you're seeing the back of this drama, Light. Undeserved, unecessary, OVER.
xo
Hops
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I'm over here just ROLLING MY EYES at the explanation for the knife episode:
because you didn't empathize with him.
AYFKM? What are you supposed to be? His MOMMY? You're a customer; client; he's there to perform WORK for you... not get his head patted if he hits his thumb with a hammer. Or to caretake him, because you refused an indecent (pardon the victorian in me, is having the vapors) proposal??
In WHAT WORLD is it OK to threaten someone with a knife (or gun for that matter) just because people don't feel what you want them to feel; aren't acting in line with one's unreasonable (and very forward) demands?
I know many "men's men" and they would be just as horrified by his behavior as we are. It's just not the way they were raised to treat women. And they might just have dealt with him, on their own, out of your sight/knowledge FOR YOU. They recognize that guys like that are a danger to their own wives and daughters... or someone's. There are still some very very good men in this world. Taken, most likely - LOL - but they're there.
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He reminds me of an angry incel.
Frightening.
Make tracks!
Hops
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Tupp, Malevolent is a good word.
Yesterday I went to the seed store near me. A country affair, with hard working southern country men I absolutely feel would put Contractor in his place for his behavior. It felt really good to be with them, treated like an equal, with respect. I noticed how it felt, and it made me very sad, bc I;ve been starved for that feeling lately. A respectable man doesn't bully, and intimidate his way through life.
Hops... I think C is an angry incel. I think he hangs with men who hold those views or don't have the intestinal fortitude to stand up to him, bc it would be such a nightmare. Upsetting the C IS a nightmare.... he;s crazy. No one wants to upset him.
I think I've processed this enough.
Driven lessons home, like nails into my skull.
I learn lessons by degrees, apparently.
I can't just accept them, 100%, and crack on, un apologetically.
Thanks for your input, guys.
Lighter
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Tupp, Malevolent is a good word.
Yesterday I went to the seed store near me. A country affair, with hard working southern country men I absolutely feel would put Contractor in his place for his behavior. It felt really good to be with them, treated like an equal, with respect. I noticed how it felt, and it made me very sad, bc I;ve been starved for that feeling lately. A respectable man doesn't bully, and intimidate his way through life.
Hops... I think C is an angry incel. I think he hangs with men who hold those views or don't have the intestinal fortitude to stand up to him, bc it would be such a nightmare. Upsetting the C IS a nightmare.... he;s crazy. No one wants to upset him.
I think I've processed this enough.
Driven lessons home, like nails into my skull.
I learn lessons by degrees, apparently.
I can't just accept them, 100%, and crack on, un apologetically.
Thanks for your input, guys.
Lighter
Those are the kind of men I like, Lighter, the ones who will step up and do the right thing. There's nothing manly about frightening people or playing me the martyr. Disgraceful behaviour. I am hoping for more good, kind chivalrous men (and women!) in your life now and Mr Crazy Arse becoming a distant, albeit unpleasant memory xx
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I just know you and I will both have nice men in our lives, Tupp.
Your phamily will have lovely men in it, and you've learned a lot about what you're looking for, and what you're not.
I certainly have enough experience to sort through, esp if I honor myself as priority.
Lets remain open to new wonderful things. Lets make room for them in our lives.
For me, that means I have to get rid of defensive postures, and assumptions about new people. I have to listen and watch without judgement... only with curiosity going forward.
I have to trust my instincts, and let them rule... never allowing them to be overruled. Not any more.
All will be well.
::nodding::.
Lighter
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I just know you and I will both have nice men in our lives, Tupp.
Your phamily will have lovely men in it, and you've learned a lot about what you're looking for, and what you're not.
I certainly have enough experience to sort through, esp if I honor myself as priority.
Lets remain open to new wonderful things. Lets make room for them in our lives.
For me, that means I have to get rid of defensive postures, and assumptions about new people. I have to listen and watch without judgement... only with curiosity going forward.
I have to trust my instincts, and let them rule... never allowing them to be overruled. Not any more.
All will be well.
::nodding::.
Lighter
I think making yourself a priority is absolutely key, Lighter, and not needing to justify it or explain it, either. Mr Perfect may well be perfect but that doesn't mean we might not just want a weekend alone to do nothing much and just be by ourselves. A true Mr Perfect will understand, accept and have a busy enough life of his own to make the most of his own time without us there.
Something else I think is important is listening to that inner voice and understand it's okay to walk away and leave someone to their own particular brand of crazy and not to see it as a test or an opportunity to learn. What I think we can learn from those situations is that there are better things in life to put our energy into than coping with people who grate on us, whatever the reason may be xx
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Life without people grating on us, Tupp: )
At least to the exclusion of those we CAN exclude.
What a refreshing, lovely thought: )
That we can, and will, advocate for ourselves without feeling guilty, hesitating, or getting talked out of it.
Lighter
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A poem to end this thread...
"When you are a strong woman, you will
attract trouble. When a man feels
threatened, there is always trouble."
Barbara Taylor Bradford