Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on June 16, 2018, 09:50:50 PM
-
Amber was kind enough to ask about me on her usual thread so thought I'd post a quick update here. Nothing thrilling but...
I'm really okay, just have felt too spent to post much about me. In a nutshell, got quite depressed (doing better), got fatter (hmmm), had a date who lives too far away (more hmmm), and my church (my equivalent of family) is melting down with factions/cliques and a full-on revolt against the minister (which I'm part of, editing everything) which is right but also....scary. I've found myself feeling like a child watching parents fight on the brink of divorce, helpless/anxious/wanting to fix everything. It's straining everyone and threatens to rupture friendships. None of mine so far but it feels too edgy and painful at the mo'. For me, it's the only place in town that suits, so I'm hanging in for the duration, but it'll be a bumpy ride.
Moved my old gent into assisted living Friday which increases financial anxiety (he'll be needing me less than half the hours). And, took a fall next to a truck and sprained one ankle and the opposite knee. Had to leave him in the hands of the sloppy movers, without phone contact for a day, and felt terribly bad and worried. Assurances that "our CNAs will help him" didn't pan out well but he made it fine. An older woman pal of his came over and spent the first night with him...I could just picture them in the twin beds with their CPap's huffing away, bless her!!! Heard from him the next day and though disoriented by all the change and not yet unpacked, he's okay. But I hurt like heck for a day and a night but much better now. He wants me to get well so I can come haul more stuff away.
That's all I'm worth at the moment but I am reading every day as ever and thinking about y'all.
love,
Hops
-
Oh Hops, I'm sorry things are tough. I'm sorry about the situation with the minister, are people trying to get rid of him or is it other problems? Have you been low because of breaking up with B? I guess the situation with your D reignited some old wounds as well :( And I'm sorry about your gent moving (although I can imagine it's better for him long term to be somewhere else?) And sorry about your fall! So easy to do and yes, so painful, do take it easy. Is assisted living there similar to here? As in, you have your own place but there are people you can call if you need to? I hope things settle a bit soon and start to feel a bit easier. Lots of love xx xx xx
-
Oh Hops! I hope your ankle & knee are starting to get better!
Is it necessary to be involved in the church problems? Maybe you don't need to be?
-
I'm sorry there's turmoil in your church phamily, Hops.
That alone's huge upset, then add the ankle/knee injuries, and transitioning the old gent when you're still processing the relationship thing.
I've been wondering what you're up to, and how things are going.
Thanks for popping up. You've been missed.
Lighter
-
Hi Musketeers!
I'm really okay, just kind of wiped out.
I do feel right about being involved in the church stuff. He's toxic. I can help by editing. It's just been difficult. Actually now that I am actively doing something, it's not as bad as it felt before when it was just chaos and no coordinated resistance. And now I'm not alone in it at all. Whew to that!
Ankle's way better and knee will take time. Fatness is NOT good and really triggered somewhat during B--lots of tension about being with him--and then a big surge in overeating after we broke up, when the depression also was beginning to trickle up. Truthfully though, the church stuff, with it's family-threat vibe, was the last trigger. One morning that just sank in and I realized how deeply it was disturbing me, and I went "dark" for a couple weeks. Talked to my T, acknowledged I understood what was happening and what to do (most especially not isolate) and I can feel it's getting better already. Whew to that, too.
Assisted living in Ngent's case is pretty cushy, a lovely apt with huge windows. And that's right, Tupp, he'll have help on call at the touch of a button. I go see him Tuesday and he'll still use me now and then. After next week I'd like to take a full week off and then kick up the hunt for new people to work for. Would love to be rid of the need to but que sera.
Thanks for caring and I will be better about catching y'all up.
xxoo
Hops
-
Hops:
Strap on your faux fur boots, and fight the good fight at Church. Standing up for the right thing, in the right way, at the right time is a worthy Amazon endeavor. I'm proud of you.
Catch us up whenever you have the time and energy.
Lighter
-
Hops, I think I understand the depressive episode. Only my emotion is grief, instead.
It's sort of the things we can't control; the things we WISH were or could be different; and the life-long inner needs for x, y & z... all sorta coming together into a tangled MESS. In other words: life jumps up and says "hello! remember me??" And because we're already worn down, maybe frustrated or grieving, or just numb already... we're vulnerable. And just can't decide, deal with it, or even care.
Life WILL pick on us when we're in that state.
And in my case, I think I still really want someone ELSE to care - enough so that I can restart or jump-start my own caring. Caring enough to start deciding, dealing with, and moving past/through and into something else. Could be a wrong want; and most of the time I deal with it. I've tried not to judge that because I know how it came to be. And I still struggle with letting other people help too... although that's getting a lot better, what with the challenges of the farm.
After any swelling goes down, light regular movement is your best therapy for the knee and ankle.
-
Hi Hops
Good to hear from you and I hope you can navigate through all the change in your usual way. That is thoughtfully, taking care of yourself, keeping connected to people who care and nurture your soul. I just wrote words help and erased it three times. Lately I have been experiencing how much self love can do to comfort one in times of way too much stress. When you list the things that are happening that are shaking your world it sounds like such a lot to carry. But life just keeps going on and it IS A LOT TO Carry. What amazes me is your capacity to carry it until it passes because you have the inner resources and the faith to keep going.
My mom came to me in a dream and she put a dab of cream on my third chakra and said that i needed to do that. I said to her, Mom ... that's not enough. Its such a small amount. She quietly said, Its Enough. I have thought about that for years and I think it might have been you who said that she was giving me her blessing. Now I know the second part of that is that I need to do this for myself ... a lot. Just say ,, its enough. Like when you go to church and you know there is infighting, gossip and a power struggle that is tearing the place apart, and you look at the windows with light shining in or at the faces of really old people who need the place and are the heart of the place and then you say... its enough. Finding your place of gratitude and regaining your true spiritual connection which is inside and very high above a mixed up preacher.
There are some people who have ten times the heart and ten times the capacity for love that most of us have and I wonder how they live in such a measly world. I think you are that way and hope that you can get by by saying to yourself... that's enough.
I hear your struggles and I care.
Lots of love
Sea storm
-
Thank you, dear ((((Sea)))).
I am doing much better. My depression has lifted about 90% and I think it's because instead of being the scared child about my church family, I am now deeply engaged with the group that's trying to coordinate a democratic and well conceived move to ask the Board (at some point) to go through the approved procedures to eventually (likely this fall) bring it to a vote. We are sending a letter directly to every member around the first of July to outline our concerns, and have collected a list of supporters already committed to signing that letter with us.
So I no longer feel alone and scared, I feel like an adult who is doing what she can to change the situation. If we do not prevail (a definite possibility, as he has fans) that is okay. I will have done what I believe is right, and would then maintain my involvement at the level that works for me. IOW, do not attend on the days he preaches, keep up by reading all sermons online, and attend on the 1-in-4 when our positive assistant minister preaches, and continue to work on committees that have goals I share, stick with my 2x/month Covenant Group involvement, etc. And then just...wait him out. Eventually we will have a minister who does minister to me. And I can still be well and have church family in the meantime.
The difference between being scared and frozen and concerned but taking action is big. Duh.
The injuries (ankle and knee) were a wakeup call about fitness/wellness. I can't take long walks now and doc sez to take it slowly, wear braces (I am), use NSAIDs, and be patient. My next big step will be to coax my long-time-avoidant lardass into the pool. So that's on my agenda. Don't ask, I'll feel guilty, but you can be sure I'll bray about it here once I DO go!
Much love to you, that more good dreams will come and also manifest in your life. (My latest good dream was a surprising erotic one about my yard guy...real chemistry there, but he's married.) :lol:
Lots of love and gratitude for you,
Hops
-
Hops:
How are things going lately?
Did the letters go out to everyone yet? If so, how is that going?
Lighter
-
Thanks for checking, Lighter.
I'm really okay and the letter is going out next week.
It was editing right to the wire, and also finding out that since one on our committee blabbed too much too soon, the cat is mostly out of the bag anyway.
My contribution was to state our purpose, our reasons, and what the process would be IF the congregation wishes to deal with the question. Which it may not. But it was incredible how many days of editing and parsing and massaging every scrap of the wording it took. I was also touched by the support we got, and how many agreed to sign the letter with us. About 30, not a huge number, but given that attendance averages 120, a respectable enough number to demand that the Board schedule discussions to deal with the concerns. And, for every person that signed there were those in the wings who feared backlash or being disliked, while they still agreed with us.
Satisfying to do it well, but also stressful. A spat broke out about the minister on the church FB page, a snakepit I'm glad I avoided. It's really kind of sad, never have seen such a divide here.
But I'm okay and hope I'll soon be sleeping better.
xo
Hops
-
Sounds like roughly half the congregation shares your concerns, Hops. Mostly women? I ask bc women seem to worry more about being liked and/ punished, IME, but hey.... comment if you're comfortable.
I'm sure you did a bang up job. Maybe more will take courage from those who signed, and surprise you with additional signatures. You certainly deserve to be heard.
Good job. The group couldn't have had a more qualified person handling the mission statement and editing.
Lighter
-
Why do I think there's more than the church upset bothering you, dear? Like maybe you're thinking a lot of deep, sensitive thoughts and sorting out some big things (feelings)?
You can tell me to mind my own business, ya know. I just felt some of this, in what you wrote and wondered.
-
I think it is more women than men who have signed, Lighter. But really it's going both ways...women are saying "enough is enough" and their husbands call later to say okay, me too. But it can also happen the other way around...one husband signed and his wife won't. There are also more older women than older men in general, single or widowed, which is the way nature works.
Quite a few of the people who are fed up with him are also in groups or on committees which make them feel they can't sign (or give them an excuse not to). I don't know how it'll turn out. I am sensitive to being disliked, truthfully, which is a legacy from school bullying. It'll take courage to go back to services after the letter is out but I will (on days he's not in the pulpit). I should, truthfully, go even if he IS in the pulpit, so I can't be accused of doing terrible things "without even attending" but I'm not sure I'm up for that.
Meanwhile, old-folks work goes apace with interesting new people. New lady, 88, escaped from Cuba with her family a year before the dictatorship and has had a remarkable life. Given the current state of things here, maybe I'll ask her if she thinks we could go back there? 8)
Amber, thanks. The depression has mostly lifted, truly. But any plunge there, even temporary, does call up some serious vibe. It's okay. I feel a little more mortal since the fall, a reminder, and time seems to be flying. I identified a lot with what you said about wishing someone cared about you in a way that'd make you care more about yourself. That really got me thinking about how to be more interested in and take more delight in my own life. Especially the writing I am not doing.
Knee is better and though I haven't been physically active enough, I do love summer.
xo
Hops
-
Let me know if you suddenly see it laid out in front of you Hops - like the solution to a maze or something; I find I spend a lot of time struggling with that "caring about myself" and it entails a lot more things than finally realizing most people brush their teeth twice a day or how I look.
It was all I could do to sign up for a monthly massage program; I get auto-billed every month. And I realized I avoided making an appt for one for a couple month when I noticed I was being charged and not going. THAT'S why I signed up, actually. I did go yesterday and made the next appt before I left, this time. With the projects - many times I just don't know what days someone will show up so I depended on myself to squeeze in a day to make time for this - hopefully combined with banking/errands day. And let myself go to the bottom of the list again. :?
While she was working on the kinks from sitting in the bobcat and reading/being online too much... I noticed that like it or not - it IS important for me to experience touch from someone else. Even if it's as impersonal as a massage.
Makes me think of Anne. I do believe this goes back to that "primary caregiver attachment". I didn't get enough of this externally as a child... and so never internalized (or learned) the necessity of caring for myself. I see bits & pieces of this, looking at Holly and the places where she is different from me - despite her own childhood messes, she DID have me & others who cared a great deal about her.
-
Makes me think of Anne. I do believe this goes back to that "primary caregiver attachment". I didn't get enough of this externally as a child... and so never internalized (or learned) the necessity of caring for myself. I see bits & pieces of this, looking at Holly and the places where she is different from me - despite her own childhood messes, she DID have me & others who cared a great deal about her.
Youngest DD is very focused on my parenting skills right now. Very alert to what she considers my very low expectations for her and her sister. She pulls groceries out of my arms, and sends me inside the house with my purse only. Makes it clear it's not my job to serve, but to receive help from her and her sister.
She wants me to raise expectations, set boundaries, and enforce them, and the house feels and runs better when I do. Things don't fall apart, though some part of me still believes they might.
Somewhere, my self deprecating style, and my girls' abilities... as a mom can see them, got more and more lopsided.
For me, honoring childrens' feelings was priority. I think I swung harder in the permissive direction, bc of my mother's parenting style... children should be seen, not heard, should wear what they're told, not complain or give opinions, etc. I know our parenting styles likely were more extreme bc of our differing opinions, esp during very trying years when she was with us a good deal of time. My Mom came'round, eventually. Truly SAW that I was giving my girls voice, and honoring their feelings as priority. Saw what she couldn't see, as a young working mother, with Jackie O's fashion sense. It takes time to BE all those things.
I'm now coming'round to my blind spots.... striving for more balance. It's a funny thing, hindsite. Mom and I both lacked balance. We could have contributed our strengths, and learned from each other, but just couldn't do it when I was in crisis. I don't think either of us felt heard in those moments. I know I never felt heard by my mother, not until the final years of her life. It was a gift.
Change is really hard. Even when we can SEE what's to be gained. Just very difficult, IME.
Lighter
-
Great news about your DD insisting on carrying groceries, Lighter. I think kids yearn to have purpose and when we don't allow them to give and to help, we deny something important to them. It's not doting to do everything, it's martyrdom, and that makes kids more uncomfortable than just about anything. (Said the expert mother, hahahaha.)
All I know is that guilt trips always make me want to go away. Instantly.
I used to get regular massages and loved them, but my retirement nest egg is hummingbird sized. Not in the cards.
But there is still so much I will be able to do when I reconnect with the motivation. Depression + family loss really does a number on that.
Meanwhile, church poo has hit the fan as the crisis is fully out in the open. I felt really good when a committee mate's wife, an editor at Natl Geo, told him to tell me the letter was "compelling and elegantly written." Whew.
I feel better because it's now time to carry serenity around, accepting that although some people are mad/scared/grieving/concerned... it's on the full congregation and Board now, to find the way through. The way I look at my group's work about the minister is that we were a catalyst for a conversation (huge, church-wide), not the conclusion. Some are angry, and others thank us.
I don't have to worry about the result because I finally understood that I was doing what I believe is right. Nobody else would name it, address it, or confront it. We five (with 25 others who signed with us--plus those who agreed but chose not to sign) were willing to. And so it goes.
hugs
Hops
-
Hops, what you did was courageous. Even if you had to process a lot of fear and depression to complete the letter. Sad to say, these days it's getting harder and harder for people to feel safe speaking up - regardless of the issue. And I don't mean, just posting an emotional reaction... but actually saying something and explaining your belief in why it's so.
The more people who yell - the less they CAN be heard, because others naturally recoil and want to defend against against the anger - and stop listening. Holly and I were just talking about that. It can feel GOOD to yell - and get that out of your system. But it does reduce your chances of being actually heard.
Says the one who consciously hides behind her adopted Vulcan intellectualism, because lots of raw emotions are pretty scary.
-
Hops:
I was wondering how the church situation was going.
It's a shame there's anger. You'd think church family would care about everyone's feelings. Want everyone to feel safe, served, and welcome.
I'd be ashamed to call myself clergy, or church member for that matter, if I attacked church members sans some attempt to feign compassion, and desire to understand. In the coming weeks everyone will have a chance to reflect on what they believe Jesus would do in this situation. I'm very curious about how all clergy members respond.
Being silent was a poor option you could sit with. You should be able to speak out. Writing that letter, bringing this into the light.... takes guts.
I think Jesus would have listened to you with compassion, the sought to resolve the situation to the benefit of the entire group.
Lighter
-
Ahhh thanks, Lighter.
We pretty much threw a bomb into the sanctuary so there's lots of fallout. It's hard on folks.
But we DID do it with grace and integrity and fairness and facts. Lots of facts.
So we're getting appreciative responses too. Quite a few people are uneasy about him and we may just have put it all into words. But we don't control the outcome. I've been responding to queries explaining that I view our group's Letter to the Congregation plus the 8-page Questions & Answers document we've distributed as a catalyst, not a conclusion.
There's going to be an all-congregation meeting on Aug. 5th to address the crisis. National denomination reps are coming to help facilitate. I'm very glad about that, because our Board has contorted itself into protecting the minister and have unwittingly bought into his framing of critics.
BTW, I'm not Christian. Just a Unitarian Universalist. But big difference. (I'm personally very happy with my childhood memories of Jesus. As an adult, Christianity became unsustainable for me.)
Hugs
Hops
-
Well, church drama's mostly over. I'm relieved. At the big meeting, minister's fangroups had been rallied and made emotional testimonies about his wonderfulness. (Nobody addressed his leadership issues or the huge decline in attendance, pledges, finances, and infrastructure since he came.) OR, his posting on FB "Fuck___s" in reference to the congregation. Our group was not acknowledged, the board Pres. ate up half the time with long-winded facilitation (infuriated some) and the national reps said nothing, just sat in a semi-circle up front with the board.
I spoke my minute. Said positive things about his personal warmth, and my deep objection to his stereotyping of "older members" which has spread ageism in the community. Then time was up.
Later, our steering committee met again (my house, last night). The leader, who started it all, is quitting the group's leadership because it's too much for her health. Another, a quiet lifelong member, said she's already disengaged and after the big meeting, has removed the church from her will. The two remaining, including one close friend, are both very dominant, and argued over stupid stuff. I got upset and told them their tone was affecting my decision about staying or not (on the comm).
The steering comm will need new members if it's to continue. The two want to plan another big gathering. I'll go, and depending on whom they recruit then to join the steering committee, if anyone, I'll stay on it or step back. (Probably the latter.) They've got to get some folks with emotional IQ (not their strong suits) and also a writer. I've written my brain out and edited everything for our messaging from the get-go and did, if I may say so, an incredible job. Multiple congregants expressed how grateful they were for the detailed eight-page Q & A and our moving opening letter. But these two are dismissive of how intense that work was, or how valuable. I know I gave my best to the church I love, for right reasons, so I'm okay with the outcome. It's not all about me and if the young-uns are bewitched by his charisma, Nish though it is, they'll learn.
I knew I would be okay and after the minister and Board began multiple messages to say "come express your support for dear minister!/"dear leader" -- I had a strong sense we wouldn't win the day, and told the committee so. I think a few of them were too into believing we'd win. It's going to be a long slog for the church to figure out who they want to be. I'm not quitting but will just continue my involvement in ways and at times that feel nourishing and right for me. And a couple of newish people I like very much are going to start a monthly gathering elsewhere that I'll go to.
I'm relieved. The two bossy ones don't know how offended I was last night or how unappreciated I felt but it's real. It does me no good to be that sacrificial when more mature people do appreciate when I dig that deep and for months to donate that much effort at a pretty high skill level. It was utterly draining and affected my health in a significant way.
I also noticed that I slept well last night and I think that's probably my biggest indicator that it's better for me to step way back from the drama. I played my part, and I'm not up for it. But I'll wait until their summer gathering to find out what their next plans are. I don't think "the two" have any idea how they come across.
Hugs
Hops
-
Hops, I'm glad some sort of resolution seems to be drawing closer, even if it doesn't sound like one that will be entirely satisfactory. I'm sorry that some people haven't appreciated how much you've done or the personal cost to you of doing it. It does seem that there are people who think things magically happen and don't seem to understand how much work or skill goes in to putting some things together - and I'm sure, knowing you, that you spent a lot of time making sure you got the points across without sounding unkind or unnecessarily critical, which is in itself a great skill. I'm glad you have a splinter group forming that you can join and that you feel able to carry on attending the church in your own way. It sounds as if you found a good balance between giving it your best shot but recognising when all that can be done has been and that you need to think about yourself as a priority. People do fall for a charmer! But I think others see beneath the facade and know not to get to close. It sounds as if you've done your best to warn people. If it's fallen on deaf ears then it would seem to be a good time to get in that lifeboat and know you did your best xx
-
I hope the rest of your summer is way more fun than that Hops!
-
Hops,:
The two dominant leaders will understand how unappreciated you were when they have another letters to put out. Likely not until then.
Step back, and know you can always change mind or accept small piece of work if asked with respectful gratitude in future.
Or not.
Important thing is relief you feel when stepping back. Self care time. End self sacrifice chapter. At least for now.
You kept expectations reasonable, and so are ok with outcome. Very wise Amazon Hops. You did well. I'm glad your taking a breather.
Thanks for the update.
Lighter
-
That's really supportive, guys, thank you!
I especially liked the "splinter group" idea (great phrase, Tupp)...immediately thought of a newsletter name: The Splinter.
Ha! We have been kind of a splinter in the minister's and Board's arses, and maybe good change will ultimately come of it.
Thanks again for listening to this long and windy tale...
Hugs
Hops
-
I wish Seth Meyers could show up, and share a A Closer Look on this subject before a sermon......to provide perspective for the congregation.
Lighter
-
Boy, that would be amazing.
Well, I escaped this weekend for a quiet break at a friend's lakeside home. I wouldn't want to live there but the boat rides and simple past times were helpful for perspective. No romance there (we were both clear about friendship from the get-go) but really nice just to relax and talk and look at water. Plus, pooch on the boat was heroic. He drove it fast and she shook in my arms but still coped and liked friend a lot. I found the area lovely but lacking in some things I value. Little culture and what there was was zero diversity, kinda culturally too conservative for me. Very nice retreat tho.
Life's gotten a little too intense this year between church and working for dear ole Ngent,
who's just fallen out of bed and broken his shoulder and wrist on his first night at the new
nursing home. Breaks my heart for him but there it is. Because I was away, the PoAttys had
to step up and manage it all, and they're champing for me to be solely in charge of emptying
his apartment and other things. I can do it and do appreciate the earnings. But I will be ready to move on more to new clients that don't come encumbered with three "managers" who resent the burden of their voluntary post, don't have clear plans for who does what, and who tend to throw up their hands and "order" me to do stuff, forgetting I have new clients too.
It'll be okay but I'm a little tired of absorbing the huge drama they make of all of it, when
I've been tuned into him in a closer way for a long time. I tend to focus on his comfort and emotional well being, while they are obsessed about his estate, money, etc.
I'm hoping in upcoming months I'll be able to rethink the balance in my life a lot. Could involve
new plans, simpler schedule, whatever. One step is exercise. I'm committed to one baby step that still means something to me...a friend in worse shape than I am, also scared about the health consequences of becoming sedentary, is going to walk with me once a week. She lives at a distance so that's all we both can do together when she's in town weekly. But it'll get me going so by fall I hope to be back to vigorous walks daily. Will be good for me AND pooch, and I'm grateful to have company as I get started. That psychological hurdle of motivating myself has been hard to clear.
Hugs
Hops
-
Boy, that would be amazing.
Well, I escaped this weekend for a quiet break at a friend's lakeside home. I wouldn't want to live there but the boat rides and simple past times were helpful for perspective. No romance there (we were both clear about friendship from the get-go) but really nice just to relax and talk and look at water. Plus, pooch on the boat was heroic. He drove it fast and she shook in my arms but still coped and liked friend a lot. I found the area lovely but lacking in some things I value. Little culture and what there was was zero diversity, kinda culturally too conservative for me. Very nice retreat tho.
Life's gotten a little too intense this year between church and working for dear ole Ngent,
who's just fallen out of bed and broken his shoulder and wrist on his first night at the new
nursing home. Breaks my heart for him but there it is. Because I was away, the PoAttys had
to step up and manage it all, and they're champing for me to be solely in charge of emptying
his apartment and other things. I can do it and do appreciate the earnings. But I will be ready to move on more to new clients that don't come encumbered with three "managers" who resent the burden of their voluntary post, don't have clear plans for who does what, and who tend to throw up their hands and "order" me to do stuff, forgetting I have new clients too.
It'll be okay but I'm a little tired of absorbing the huge drama they make of all of it, when
I've been tuned into him in a closer way for a long time. I tend to focus on his comfort and emotional well being, while they are obsessed about his estate, money, etc.
I'm hoping in upcoming months I'll be able to rethink the balance in my life a lot. Could involve
new plans, simpler schedule, whatever. One step is exercise. I'm committed to one baby step that still means something to me...a friend in worse shape than I am, also scared about the health consequences of becoming sedentary, is going to walk with me once a week. She lives at a distance so that's all we both can do together when she's in town weekly. But it'll get me going so by fall I hope to be back to vigorous walks daily. Will be good for me AND pooch, and I'm grateful to have company as I get started. That psychological hurdle of motivating myself has been hard to clear.
Hugs
Hops
You've had a lot to deal with for a very long time, Hops, I think it's only natural that other things fall by the wayside. The regular walking sounds like a great idea, such a good way to get fit, good for the mind, opportunities to meet/chat to people/dogs etc and no cost other than your outdoor clothing. Sounds great.
Makes me sad to read of Ngents interested parties only being interested in the finances. Seems so common. A friend is visiting next week; they are looking to buy a holiday home near us from an inheritance she recently received from an elderly aunt. The aunt's estate was split equally four ways between the siblings but I bet you can guess who of the four was the one who looked after her, visited her and put complaints in about poor care when she was concerned about the home aunt was in? The siblings were on the phone wanting their money before the funeral had even been held. Horrible way to be :( I think you are wise to step into other things as they come up and start to look for more balance in your life, Hops, I think we all need that xx
-
Hops:
Ngent is lucky to have you in his life. The three " managers" are what they are. Sadly, handling necessary details, sans larger scope of care, is their limit.
I look forward to hearing about your plan for streamlining your life. Excercise is great endorphin producing activity leading to more positive feelings, ime. You deserve self care, and reflection on current needs, and life choices.
Lighter
-
Thanks, Lighter.
I've gotten headway on the balance, though it sure is baby steps.
One thing I finally realized I hadn't fully accepted since it's embarrassing. And I did accept it.
When I become sedentary for a long time (out of depression, usually) I have a HELL of a time getting myself to start exercise again. BUT, if I plan it with or around seeing a friend, then I can get my ass moving. It's been three weeks now since the friend and I committed to walk together every week, and sure enough, the in-between walks have been much easier to talk myself into.
It's a weird contagious thing. I guess I have a harder time being alone lately than I've admitted to. Once I admitted it directly to my T last week, and accepted that this is how I feel, I no longer felt shame at my difficulty making myself exercise on my own. I just accepted it, scheduled the weekly commitment with my friend, and have found it much easier to seek out walking opportunities in between.
Today, wound up visiting a help-client in the hospital. (She had fallen and didn't turn up when I went to pick her up to take her to an appointment.) The hospital has big long corridors and stairs (optional). I grabbed each chance and also walked briskly back to the garage.
It's All One, as Dr. Bronner would say. When my friend and I started three weeks ago on our one-day-week commitment, I found myself immediately eating more salads and less junk, walking more in between our meets, and generally behaving less like an unhinged lonely loony.
I've already lost several pounds. Funny how that works....
I never, ever, lacked information on WHAT to do. I know that in granular detail. I just was missing the piece that loneliness was the real reason.
xxoo
Hops
-
Good insight Hops, and one I can really relate to!
Yes, being alone, it's so much easier to tell myself - it doesn't matter if I do x, y, or z. And I have noticed the difference when I have a friend coming to visit or Hol around. But I am stumbling over the underlying emotional need for "connection" and not facing it most of the time. And I have used "tricks" like you've described to get myself far into changing a habit... to internalize it and continue even on my own.
Sigh. Life. It's complicated.
You'd think by now we'd have it all figured out - especially US. LOL.
But fall is in the air (even with these awful hot & sticky days) and that when I seem to have the most energy. So I'm trying to gear up for a really productive one this year.
-
Yay for energy, and new positive habits, Hops.
Perhaps recognizing reasons surrounding resistance around self care is perhaps the most important piece?
Like Amber, I'm happy fall is on it's way. Being outdoors is a pleasure, and with fewer bugs. A gnat flew smack into my right eye today. I am so not cool with that.
Well done, Hops.
Lighter
-
IMO, knowing the reasons for the resistance is usually the starting point... but it's not enough. I don't know, apparently, what to DO about it. LOL. Or maybe it's the "right way (for me)" to do something about it.
What works for someone else, might not even budge me - and vice versa. Or have the opposite effect even.
It's kinda why I saw therapy as a kind of re-parenting. There wasn't anyone in my life that could teach me ways to manage that self-resistance much less, recognize it. So I feel like I've got half a key now... and I need the second bit of info to de-crypt this "mystery skill".
By some quirk of fate, Holly knows how to do this. I can't teach what I don't know... so she got it somewhere or it was innate. It frustrates her no end, to see me stuck in one of these resistance loops. She knows how well I function at other things - and doesn't always get that some things have extra "weight" or emotional intensity or significance to the resistance.
And I've just about talked myself into seeing the way out of this for me. The glimmer of a realization, that it's me being whole; and totally present; without a "need" for anything(one) else just might be a way out. As if, my existential "me" is so convinced I'm not "enough" that there isn't even a try... turns into resistance. Hmmmmmmm.
Pondering.
-
it's me being whole; and totally present; without a "need" for anything(one) else just might be a way out. As if, my existential "me" is so convinced I'm not "enough" that there isn't even a try... turns into resistance.
Thank you for sharing this, Amber.
I think I got broken when my D left my life. So though I'm way better, there's an element of wandering through life unmotivated because there are little wormholes in my spirit. Not enough to snuff me out, but I'm like a motheaten bagpipe. I can still make some music, but it'll never be the same.
(That was a terrible analogy because bagpiping is an acquired taste. Poor man at McCain's Arizona funeral yesterday, which was a beautifully choreographed and highly formal ceremony, let out one squawk that will haunt him forever. I'll try another.)
My heart knows something it did not know before that loss, is what I mean. I am not bitter but I am different. And when my heart feels weak or leaky, my will often decided....it's okay to let go (of health, of dreams). I KNOW that's not okay, but believe that is actually what's happening. Don't mean to sound alarming (it's not literal) but it's like when I go THAT sedentary, I feel as though my body is trying to get away from being alive.
Being whole and fully alive is what I want. Somehow, losing my mother card makes me feel as though I've lost the right.
Truly, I don't BELIEVE that's true. But I think what's at the heart of my resistance is that a little depression + a little loneliness sometimes = resistance to helping myself.
Doing better now. Time of year, good work, connecting more. Will need to be careful as winter comes on that I have many connections planned.
love
Hops
-
Hops, one thing I've noticed and think is a "real thing"... for me at least...
is that the us that thinks with our brain is different from the emotional us -- and that emotional being has a way of "thinking" or "reasoning" too. What makes sense THERE, usually doesn't to the brain... and vice versa. Ergo: resistance.
And yes, when something truly BIG happens to us emotionally, it really is like a bagpipe with a hole in the airbag. We are always changed by it, too. The hole can be patched; the dings & dents pounded out and the finish polished up... yet never quite "the same", in essence.
I don't know if my resistance is due to any life experience I've been though per se; the accumulation of them; or if it's been around so long... thanks to FOO environment... that I just think it's me. Then, when the old emotional airbag develops another leak... well, we all return to tread those old neural paths that were "safe", don't we?
-
it's me being whole; and totally present; without a "need" for anything(one) else just might be a way out. As if, my existential "me" is so convinced I'm not "enough" that there isn't even a try... turns into resistance.
Thank you for sharing this, Amber.
I think I got broken when my D left my life. So though I'm way better, there's an element of wandering through life unmotivated because there are little wormholes in my spirit. Not enough to snuff me out, but I'm like a motheaten bagpipe. I can still make some music, but it'll never be the same.
(That was a terrible analogy because bagpiping is an acquired taste. Poor man at McCain's Arizona funeral yesterday, which was a beautifully choreographed and highly formal ceremony, let out one squawk that will haunt him forever. I'll try another.)
My heart knows something it did not know before that loss, is what I mean. I am not bitter but I am different. And when my heart feels weak or leaky, my will often decided....it's okay to let go (of health, of dreams). I KNOW that's not okay, but believe that is actually what's happening. Don't mean to sound alarming (it's not literal) but it's like when I go THAT sedentary, I feel as though my body is trying to get away from being alive.
Being whole and fully alive is what I want. Somehow, losing my mother card makes me feel as though I've lost the right.
Truly, I don't BELIEVE that's true. But I think what's at the heart of my resistance is that a little depression + a little loneliness sometimes = resistance to helping myself.
Doing better now. Time of year, good work, connecting more. Will need to be careful as winter comes on that I have many connections planned.
love
Hops
Hops, reading that made me feel like crying. I feel your sense of loss so deeply. I do wonder if the effort of just getting on with life after a loss so deep and defining is just such hard work that it is the reason so many of us need to crawl under the covers at times - or throw ourselves into work/drink ourselves into oblivion/go shopping - or whatever else it is that we do. I get what you say about being different now. I feel that too; I'm just not the person I used to be. People say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I don't feel that way. I feel weakened and brittle from it all. But what choice do we have, other than to keep going? I think given all the things you've been through in life to get times when exercising or dealing with other personal things feels like too much is perfectly understandable. And I think you've had a lot on your plate just recently - the situation with the minister, your relationship with B, just your work, which must be demanding on many levels - I think you have a lot to deal with. I'm glad you're finding you can walk again and get back in to a good habit with it but I am hoping you aren't giving yourself a hard time if/when you don't do it. You're perfect as you, as you are, with your down days and your feet up in front of the telly time and not managing to get out for a walk. I understand that you feel better when you are more active - I think that's true for most people - but you're still magnificent if you're sitting on the sofa eating chocolate bars xx xx xx
-
Thanks, (((((((((Tupp)))))))))))--
I hear you, I'm still Marvelous Me when I'm sedentary. It's just that the fact is, if I don't become Active Me I won't be around a lot longer to continue my marvelousness!
You are a supportive, empathic treasure, you are.
Well, there's news about Ngent, age 94. He died this morning, gently, of pneumonia. I'm sad for me/his other friends (because he was a sparkly, fascinating person) but relieved and happy for him. His life became a misery in recent months. We got to a place where I feel confident he valued me and felt my compassion and although I was just visiting (my paid work ended with his new facility)...I know I did right by him and eased his hardest years.
Some ego stuff and head-butting with the female PoA, but I'm letting all of that go now. We'll have a lovely service (with the lovely assistant minister) for him and I've got a nice idea. As I was cleaning out his apartment I found his fat stack of nonprofit membership cards--from all the charities he's been supporting for years. A THICK stack--just for 2018! Some people don't know that about him. I think it gave him meaning even though his flood of mail was...a big thing.
I'm going to take that stack of cards and some beautiful dark-colored board and create a heart, with the top end on one side broken open and the colors/shapes floating up and out to the upper right...
If I overlay them slightly and spot-glue them in place, and set it on a small easel at his reception, I think it'll be a striking non-verbal statement about who he was and what he cared about. ACLU, multiple organizations that worked on Native American tribes needs, everything environmental, women's rights, civil rights, BLM, democracy, on and on and on.... Just thinking about doing it makes me happy. Because if he was ever recognized for anything, it would be that people understand his passion for the environment and for justice.
In addition to his Prius, I took a small thing for myself. He had a little ceramic lovely elephant, blue and decorated beautifully. I have placed it on the dashboard of the Prius I bought from him. So it's in his honor (I named the elephant a female version of his name). That also brings me smiles. Though I need to anchor it with superglue and black velcro....
love
Hops
-
I'm sorry he's gone, Hops, but glad he's not suffering. It's a gift he that he didn't linger in pain.
I think honoring Ngent, with that mindful work of art, is a continuation of the care you gave him during his life. He surely appreciated the time, and care you gave to him. You're still giving
And, I love the elephant you chose. I find connection with small things like that too. Little treasures.
Lighter
-
Thanks, Lighter. You got it.
We're going to do a meaningful service for him next month.
Re. Hurricane Florence....Amber, I'm so glad you sold your beach house and are out of there. Are there any big trees up-slope from your house close enough to concern?
I'm in the path, inland, not coastal. But my one huge tree which is two feet from my house is a worry. I've debated running off with pooch to a hotel or dealing with my fear. About 15 years ago an elderly woman right around the corner (half-mile from here in family home) had a massive tree fall onto her house after soaking rains and was literally pinned to her bed by the branches crashing through the ceiling. It was a miracle she wasn't killed. Have to admit, that fear does haunt me.
Told my T this morning that I just wanted to be nice to myself and be honest about how many nights alone I want to listen to the wind and branches falling and worry about the tree. Today I bought water and canned food and as far as all that goes, would be fine. It's the psychological and anxiety part, especially alone, that I really don't want to deal with. I could stay with my weird neighbor but she makes me tense too. I imagine it'd be a bit safer there. Spoke to neighbors across the street who say I can bring pooch and come to their place any time. So that's comforting.
What's not comforting is that if an old, unwell tree (it's not as sick as the one I had taken down but not entirely well either) begins to fall, you don't always have time to gather pooch and scoot out the front door. It's tall enough that if it was a direct hit it would crush the whole wee house. I know it's only a small likelihood but it's not an irrational fear.
Sigh. Will take another look at how I feel tomorrow and think about the hotel $$. There, with no big trees around and other people nearby...it would likely feel easier.
Thanks for letting me worry-dump, y'all!
xxoo
Hops
-
Hops:
If the neighbors across the street aren't weird, maybe that's the solution? I hate the idea of you sitting in fear, listening to things ping, and bang on the roof.
You'll likely have your own space, with the option to run back home as needed?
If you give them a heads up, they can make up your bed, and have it ready. If the fear becomes critical, that's your plan.
We're in the same path, and I'm planning to move vehicles into the street, then hunker down, and hope trees hold their own. We always get lots of water... end of cul de sac at low end of neighborhood. The yard looks like a river in heavy rains. Sometimes the street drain gets clogged with debris, requiring frantic wading through knee deep water to clear it.
It's surreal, and I'm crossing fingers for all of us.
Lighter
-
Well, I started tracking this storm all day long a few days ago. Of course, I've done that for decades now... ever since Isabel hit OBX two days before our scheduled vacation check-in. I've been alternating between anxiety with bursts of focused work and just sitting being mesmerized. Fortunately I am only halfway through an epic 10 book science/fantasy saga.
As of 5 am's NHC forecast track, the storm is going to take a LEFT turn, instead of a right some time this weekend. It's slowed down a bit on forward motion. After all the excess rain we've had this summer, I was more concerned about getting flooded in here, than anything else. And Hol hasn't even left Portland yet; departure scheduled today/tomorrow... and then it's going to take her over a week to get back; best estimate. I did NOT want her trying to drive home into a storm like that, up here. It's bad; I did it when hurricane Fran came up the mountains and did not make it home that day... and then I had to wade a creek & walk in... only to find half our orchard gone and no power for a week.
Do yourself a favor Hops. STOP watching the tv weather; listening to radio reports. The only thing "biblical, historic & catastrophic" is the amount of fear-mongering they're indulging in. They do this with EVERY storm. This storm is going to be bad enough with all the rain & some typical TS wind inland; you don't live near a stream or river, in an area that's likely to flood. The tree IS a rational fear and I've been cutting back trees around the house since I've been here. Sleep somewhere else in the house, if the rain gets bad & wind seems bad.
That said, the storm has (for the moment) turned away from us. I don't expect anything worse than I've been through all summer up here. Right now. I've had to remind people that this new computer model track just popped up between the 11 pm update and 5 am this morning. It can change AGAIN, just as quickly. So I'm not celebrating - yet.
Your city sits in a valley between mountains that will break up the force of the wind. The wind will tend to spiral and come from a lot of directions, instead of being predominanty from a single direction - as it would in flat terrain with strong outer bands. Another plus, in your favor against the tree.
And while lighter will be a lot closer to the effects - as things stand as of this latest update - she'll have less to worry about too. If my weather forecasts had been more accurate this summer, I'd be completely relieved. However, too many inaccurate forecasts - even for the next day - have me keeping an eye on the storm and continuing doing what I need to do around here, just in case.
The other thing that has me continuing on with work, is that my last storm 2 yrs ago - Matthew - did not act at all as predicted. The national hurricane center is my main source of data on these storms (no drama or hype) and their forecasts were wrong all the way till it went out to sea. It was a cat 1 when it hit OBX, and it was supposed to a TS that went out to sea in S. Carolina; Wilmington area. That storm delayed my move up here by 2 weeks.
---------------
My local radio guy is just now doing an update for our area on the storm. Rain starts Friday; and he's saying "breezy conditions rather than windy" - about 20 mph - but it will rain for 3-4 days. AS the TRACK STANDS NOW.
He also mentioned the various steering weather features that vary in intensity/timing that make it just too hard right now to predict the track. Face it; no one knows for 100% sure. Yesterday's track had both you & I dealing with a mess Hops - but not experiencing even tropical storm conditions - despite the exaggerated claims of the doomsayers. Our power companies and emergency mgmt guys are still planning to be ready - just in case.
And that's what I'm doing.
-
Hi Amber,
Haven't been watching any hysterical TV weather at all (I get my updates online) but do respect the potential power of a hurricane. Seems the danger has dimmed now that the direction's changed, but that could change again.
Still wondering...any uphill trees a danger to your house? HOPE NOT! I'm sure you have your own safety plan in place...I'll be sending good vibes.
Lighter, thanks...yes, it really did feel better once I connected with my neighbors. We're still unsure about a couple of sketchy trees (them too) but there for each other. I think the ground saturation will be a bigger issue than wind.
I'm sure my anticipatory anxiety was overblown, ouch, bad adjective. Don't wanna think about overbloooooooown!
Hah and hugs,
Hops
-
S'OK Hops. I've been talking lots of people off ledges this week. LOL....
The track of the storm as it comes up the mountains - takes it WEST of the mountains. By Monday, they're predicting it'll be around Wheeling. Everything east of the Appalachians/Blue Ridge will just be rain; no wind to speak of. And even if changes track again and comes up the east side - most of the wind will blown out of it by then. "Breezy" - normal windy conditions - are what you can expect.
The intensity has dropped to a Cat 2 now, as well - as it usually does when it's in shallower coastal waters and interacting with land mass, and land driven weather systems.
But if the tree worries you off/on, I'd start setting aside a little $$$ to get it at least trimmed back, if not removed altogether.
I've already removed 4-5 trees that bothered me (or would grow into trees that would bother me in the future) because of the potential for forest fire. That also reduces the chance of them falling on the house. With my hills, they're going to tend to fall downhill... regardless of wind direction... and I have a consulting forester and pro tree team on speed dial. LOL. I did notice one that might fall across my road that I might have to call my redneck "army" to deal with it if it does fall across the road... but the fact is, I seldom have any real "NEED" to go anywhere that can't be rescheduled or managed some other way. And since I don't pester my guys for every little thing around here - they're usually pretty responsive.
-
I'm glad no downward-tilting trees above your house are a threat to it. It's no fun when they fall but if they're far back enough you'd just need to worry about removal, rather than house-squashing, that's a good thing.
I had it well trimmed twice since moving here (once last year) so it's in as good shape as it can be. I just may have to make the tough choice regardless of this particular storm, if the increasing fierce storms pattern continues. Which of course it will now that the climate is warming and we're instead doing clever things like legislating how to keep cars dirty longer, release methane into the atmosphere and bring back coal... Because it would be terrible to tax on carbon, gosh why do anything like that?
Rant.
xo
Hops
-
I'd think of trimming back, but it is literally 24" from the back wall of the house, and it's about 150' tall and farther around than I can hug. So I think more trimming of the branches/crown way up there won't do much--I've had that done twice in six years, including last year, by good arborists. Plus, had them treat it with horticultural oil for its *gloomy scale. That trunk would be a crusher, can't trim that.
I'm no longer fearing it for this storm but it's been good to think about it. Read somewhere that Florence is a rarity but hmmmmm....really?
Time to get a move on.
*What Hops wants to die of, because how could a poet die of anything better? :lol: Maybe there'd be bonus poetry in being squashed by a tree that has a case of it...
xxoo
-
It's "rare" I suppose, because of how slow-moving it is. Usually, there's a beautiful day, followed by an increasingly overcast & growing more humid day, as you're working your butt off outside to nail things down... and then 24-36 hrs of storm... and then another beautiful, but still really humid day to go clean up stuff. There isn't enough intensity or forward motion yet with Florence. So New Bern & Wilmington are still seeing storm - while out Chapel Hill way - they started seeing the first of the storm last night. She's gonna take her own sweet time sweeping across part of SC, too - before the other weather systems that have her trapped there, move or weaken enough to let her turn north up the mountains.
There won't be any wind to speak of at all by the time she gets up here. Just a lot more rain. My county is already past our average rainfall totals for a normal year - and that's just counting June till now. I imagine I'll still be trying to get wood split and grass mowed when it's cold enough for this rain to be snow. Radio weatherman even warned people to not freak out about the big round yellow thing in the sky we might see late Tues/Wed. LOL. Yeah, it's been that long. All summer we've alternated between weeks of SAD weather, and blazing hot & humid melty weather. It's been surreal and isn't going to get any better, I hear.
Both of my long-term, online "useful big brothers" have needed support as adult survivors of not just Nparents - but in some cases much worse - this past week or so. The one, had such an intense vivid flashback to when he was hit by a car as a kid, that he's banned himself from driving till this stretch clears up. The doc's family life growing up would definitely resonate around here with all of us and his current family situation is triggering old stuff - and he's in a foggy thinking place, about his choices and decisions. Whether I like it or not, it seems I'm moving into the compassionate witness role. It sure wasn't intentional. But, I don't mind returning the favor of being someone to lean on.
---please pardon the interruption---
Hops, at 2 ft from the house, as much as I LIKE trees and commune with their strength and endurance and stoicism... I would resign myself to having it professionally removed. That proximity is simply not good for the tree, roots can grow into your drains and shift the foundation of the house... apart from the danger of falling. The pros will climb up the tree and gradually cut from the top down - lowering sections and big limbs with ropes. It's pricey; but it is the safest way to do it.
-
Don't mind the interruption at all! Always a pleasure.
Glad you can help your online bros...sure sounds painful, what
they're each going through. As to compassionate witnessing, sometimes
it keeps me feeling as though my existence has purpose and meaning.
I'm all for it. Until it starts to feel so one-way...well, you know.
As to tree. Yes. I took down its ill matching-age sibling from out front
a year ago. And have had other trees taken down over time. So I'm
familiar with how it's done. Was pleased with the tidy job, if not the
price tag. I'm thinking about it.
It already put a crack in the concrete foundation, and at the time I bought
this house I was running on adrenalin, and liked the tree so much I just
said, what the hell, it was here first... I know, but that's how poets are.
Perhaps I will change my mind. I just figured by the time it heaves my
house's addition out of its way, I'll be long gone. But it would be kinder
to leave an intact concrete pad (under the addition) to my D than a
seriously defective one, of course. Just warn't in the mood to care at
that mo'.
As is, will be a relatively simple fix, involving a trench and patching. But
the longer I let it go....
If I could afford solar panels I'd definitely let the tree go with less pain.
xxoo
Hops
-
I hope the hurricane avoided you, Hops (does this windy creature know who she's messing with??! lol). We've had the tail end of it here, I believe, lots of wind and rain which living where we are now has been quite dramatic - watching the clouds rush across the sky across the tops of the hills has been breath taking. It's calmed down now and is very sunny and fresh - it feels like it's blown everything clean. I hope it has settled for you now.
I thought your idea for the heart with all the charity cards coming out of it was beautiful. He was very blessed to have you around in those final stages. We happened to be in a cafe once where a family were holding a wake and they'd done something similar. Everyone had written their own summation on the chap who had passed away and what he'd meant to them and then the clippings had been arranged on a board with photographs of him at different stages of his life. It was very moving, even for us as people who didn't know him. I think it's a lovely way to represent someone and it's something nice that people can photograph and take home to remind them of him. I find taking pictures of flowers at a funeral quite depressing and no-one really feels like getting in to snapshots so to have something like that as a souvenir of his life is a really beautiful gesture xx