Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Twoapenny on August 01, 2019, 01:40:31 PM
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I have struggled today with not berating myself for not flowing smoothly through life and not being affected by its challenges and difficult moments. So I thought I would start a thread to focus on things that we do do, rather than the things we don't, without any 'could have done better' or 'should have tried harder' kind of self talk - and of course, you are all welcome to list your own achievements as well :)
Today, I -
Fed myself and my son several healthy meals and snacks
Did a grocery shop
Updated my debt repayment plan
Took a long rest this afternoon so's not to overtire myself
Texted several friends
Largely stayed off social media and other internet drains
Tidied the kitchen and sitting room
Organised my recycling and put it out for collection
Did some washing and put yesterday's washing away
Scribbled some notes about how I feel
Planned some emotional difficulties I have noticed to talk through with the acupuncturist next week
Offered to babysit for a friend who is visiting next week
Captured a spider and put it in the garden
Fed the cat
Posted my nephew's birthday card and wrapped another friend's present ready to send
Decided that tomorrow I will officially start on paperwork again, working no more than two hours a day, Monday to Friday, and that I will send things off last thing on a Friday each week so that I don't get any kind of response or feedback for at least two days and have my weekends clear of local authority related stress.
Made an effort with a bit of make up and a nice top.
Helped son with his blog
Re-organised a drawer that is one of those drawers that ends up full of cables and stuff that doesn't really have a home.
Printed off tickets for the ghost walk we are going on tonight.
I am quite amazed that writing that down has changed my mind set from "I've done nothing all day" to, "Look how much I've done". Feel free to add your own list of achievements :) xx xx xx
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Holy bejesus.
It's mid-afternoon and I have:
eaten a healthy breakfast (a protein-fruit smoothie)
spent hours on the internet obsessing about politics
drunk tea
gotten dressed
You are insanely functional, Tupp.
hugs
Hops
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Holy bejesus.
It's mid-afternoon and I have:
eaten a healthy breakfast (a protein-fruit smoothie)
spent hours on the internet obsessing about politics
drunk tea
gotten dressed
You are insanely functional, Tupp.
hugs
Hops
Hops, you're so funny, Holy Bejesus made me laugh out loud :) I think reading about politics counts as many achievements so you should give yourself a big pat on the back for that. One of the comedians over here calls anything to do with politics 'world stuff' and it always makes me laugh :) Smoothie sounds nice as well :)
We went for the ghost walk last night and it was great, and by some spooky coincidence the walk ended exactly where we'd parked our car! Couldn't have picked a better spot :)
Got up this morning and did not switch on the telly! Made tea, tidied up a little and then came on here to catch up with my lovely trans Atlantic friends :) xx
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I second Hops' comment!!
Yesterday, I went to town to pick up my glasses, stopped at Home Depot for 6 bags of water softener salt (which I had them load, since I was in a dress and is still in the car), and stopped a local fruit stand for a half dozen local peaches to try. New variety. Then I made dinner and the rest of the time obsessed online about politics, too... made some pithy cynical comments (yay me & 6 million other people - LOL) and threatened to ruin Buck's reputation with total mothering if he didn't stop hurting himself... and NO...
He's not allowed to say he'll rub some dirt on it and it'll be OK or that it's just a flesh wound.
Today isn't going to be all that busy. LOL.
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I second Hops' comment!!
Yesterday, I went to town to pick up my glasses, stopped at Home Depot for 6 bags of water softener salt (which I had them load, since I was in a dress and is still in the car), and stopped a local fruit stand for a half dozen local peaches to try. New variety. Then I made dinner and the rest of the time obsessed online about politics, too... made some pithy cynical comments (yay me & 6 million other people - LOL) and threatened to ruin Buck's reputation with total mothering if he didn't stop hurting himself... and NO...
He's not allowed to say he'll rub some dirt on it and it'll be OK or that it's just a flesh wound.
Today isn't going to be all that busy. LOL.
Aw, I like the idea of you sitting in a dress getting things loaded into your car, Lady Skep - and rightly so! I love peaches :)
Buck sounds like a tough cookie; I can see why the two of you get along ;)
You and Hops are very good with all the politics stuff; I just can't bear to read it. It makes me so scared and frightened that I just can't submerge myself in it. I know what I believe in and I know which party meets those beliefs best for me - although at the moment here a lot of people vote tactically to get the Tories out (which isn't working yet). So I read around the tactical voting stuff a bit when the time comes but other than that I try to avoid it because it's just too much.
Anyway - my achievements so far today are:
Healthy meals and snacks.
Bit of yoga.
Cancelled a meeting with a friend because I felt too tired (self care).
Took a nap instead of going to the meeting
Came on here
Re-arranged some other jobs to do on other days so's not to overwhelm myself.
Told myself that this coming year is going to be about rest and recuperation and moving on to better times in the future.
Will go out for more groceries in a bit.
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Yesterday I got to the brain center by 8:30, and went home at 12:30.
Honored chicken bones from 4 roasted chickens... made stock, with plans to make soup. Made chicken salad. Asked neighbor about operating her pressure washer... it's not working for me. Seems I need to turn on power, water, the squeeze the trigger to make it work. I didn't expect it to sputter to life after a bit of time pulling trigger goes by. I thought it would just work when I turned on the power.
Took youngest dd17 downtown with me for T appointment. DD went walking, then I caught up after I was free.
The weather was overcast, cool and breezy so we walked around, and chose restaurants to have one or two dishes. We chose a Thai restaurant, then an Indian restaurant. Every bite was lovely.
Skipped the 9pm drag show we'd set out to attend. Refused to feel like we failed. Chatted all the way home. I really enjoyed her company, and she thanked me for getting her out of the house. She's been sleeping a lot since wisdom teeth came out.
Got to bed early, and slept well.
I love the idea of this thread, Tupp. THANKS!
Lighter
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Got up at 5am.
Took DD18 to work at 6:45am... DD is doing all the driving with me in the car now. She's doing great, and will take her driver's test in September, along with youngest dd17.
Went home and sweated kafir leaves, onion, garlic, ginger, red curry paste, and lemongrass for Tom Kha recipe, while cleaning out fridge, and doing those dishes.
strained chicken out of stock, and froze till garbage day.
blended carrots, and stock for carrot ginger soup, put in fridge.
Had a bath, went through morning ablutions.
Transferred spices to stock, then boiled in stock for half hour, before turning off, and leaving to brew. We love this soup.
Got to brain center on time, and had a really good day asking lots of questions.
Picked DD18 up from work at 1pm, then headed home to finish soup for early meal. boiled shrimp, rice noodles, then browned chicken jalapeno sausage. Picked fresh basil from planter on front porch. We ate together, which doesn't happen generally. Oldest dd18 was bubbly, and happy to be with us/me. I got a hug: )
Decided not to go to father's lake house, bc of weather. I have paperwork to do, and will see how I feel about it. I need to transfer title of a vehicle, so need to be in that State during business hours.
I feel I've come a long way with all the breathing I've been doing. I mindfully practice at the brain center, then spend time working on it afterwards, and notice I'm doing it without thinking, OR I notice when I'm not, and work on it. When I started the protocol my oxygen level was 95%. Now it's 98%. I was appalled when the doc said smokers typically stay at 95%. I'm not only a shallow breather, basically short breaths in and short out. Taking 5 second breaths in, and 10 seconds breaths out really helps. I notice I'm breathing differently, and that I'm aware of my breathing often.
One of the things that helped with the oxygen levels were two chiro adjustments. Since one of my legs was much shorter, he worked on that too. Afterwards, my left hip said HELLO, a time or two. He said when one leg is shorter, that side is usually favored, and carries less weight. Shifting back to the same length, and 50/50 typically means we'll feel it on that weaker side.
Thought a lot today about how different it feels to NOT live in fear and dread. I can say that I noticed I'm in a great space, then determined I don't want to go back to living any other way. I can't imagine doing that. I tapped on 2 important things today, during the brain cold laser sessions.
I noticed I sometimes have complete relief when I tap on problematic topics. I noticed one thing I tapped hasn't been completely resolved, and I'm going to tap on it some more using different words, and focus.
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Wow, Lighter, you have been busy! Your food descriptions always make my mouth water, everything sounds so yummy! And I love the idea of trying different dishes in a couple of restaurants. Really good to skip the drag show if you just decided you didn't want to go rather than forcing yourself to sit through it and get home tired. Love that DD gave you a hug :)
The Brain Centre sounds so interesting, is it a course of treatment you've booked up for or will it be a long term thing for you? It sounds like it's really helping. I'm glad. I hope the breathing helps with the paperwork.
My big achievement for today is that I started on the paperwork! My anxiety grew the close I got to doing it and as I sat down and started pulling files towards me definite PTSD type symptoms started - tight chest, difficulty breathing, sick feeling in stomach, a kind of prickly heat on my arms and back, sweating and my brain starts firing off in a million different places - imaginary arguments that might come up with people, old arguments that have come up in the past, images of the social worker driving off with my little boy in the car (that didn't actually happen but it was a recurring dream I had for several years afterwards, where she dragged him out of my arms while my mum stood there laughing and encouraging her and then she drove off with him. Just typing that I can feel the rage and the venom rising up from my stomach and I want to punch them both in the face).
But I am digressing. I am going to make an appointment to see the GP and get the PTSD type stuff recorded and ask her for a letter that explains how ill dealing with them makes me so I can wave it at people when necessary (our previous GP did this for me a couple of years ago; it's one of the things that frustrates me about the system - no-one will take me at my word but if the GP writes up what I tell her they'll accept it).
I have written up a very detailed list of what I need to do, resources I need to gather together, information I need to read, people I need to contact and so on. I had notes on all of it but where I've been so tired they were scattered and scrappy so I've written it all up fresh, in a notebook so that I can make notes about what I'm doing as I go along. I've got ten stressful paperwork jobs to do and then five less stressful ones as they're more to do with putting together a new home based programme for son, checking new venues, reading up on benefit changes when he turns 18 and so on. So ten hideous ones and five not hideous ones.
I've given myself a week to deal with each job and written the date it needs to be finished by. Three of the jobs are basically just emails and shouldn't take long to do at all. A couple of the complaints are fairly straightforward and shouldn't take too long either. The last job on the list will only be necessary if the earlier complaints don't set the wheels in motion so I might not need to do that at all. So I'm hoping that the quick jobs will balance out the slower ones and that I'll be able to move through the list a bit quicker than I've timetabled, but either way, we should be at the top of the paperwork mountain by the end of November (unless we have another court hearing but I'll leave that to one side for now as I won't know about that for another couple of months).
I'm aiming to do two hours a day on it and want to work Monday to Friday, but did decide to get one session in today to get the ball rolling. I armed myself with tea and water, took various flower remedies (which I've carried on taking as I work) and sucked on my CBD vape a lot. I've got relaxing music on in the background and I'm going to keep stopping to tidy up around myself as I go, because I find the mess distracting and I find it hard to find things if it's untidy so I'm going to keep on top of that as part of it.
I feel shaky but I'm going to plough on with it now. I feel better for the five weeks of rest I've had - an awful lot of my symptoms have reduced significantly over the last month, including the menopause stuff, so I do feel a lot of it is exacerbated by stress and exhaustion, if not caused by it. I feel better for being organised and feel like I can get on with it more now. I've made myself sit down by 3pm so that I can be finished by 5pm and then we can have tea and go to the beach.
So that's my achievement for today! Feel sick but I'm going to keep pushing past it and hopefully by Friday I will be making some good progress. xx
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And first job finished! I am now officially a week ahead of schedule! Lol xx
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Second job done. Have decided to spend the first and last ten minutes of each session tidying and organising so that I can keep on top of things.
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Wow, Lighter, you have been busy! Your food descriptions always make my mouth water, everything sounds so yummy! And I love the idea of trying different dishes in a couple of restaurants. Really good to skip the drag show if you just decided you didn't want to go rather than forcing yourself to sit through it and get home tired. Love that DD gave you a hug :)
The Brain Centre sounds so interesting, is it a course of treatment you've booked up for or will it be a long term thing for you? It sounds like it's really helping. I'm glad. I hope the breathing helps with the paperwork. I tried, without stress, and failed. I've lost an important file, and am trying to locate all receipts, one at a time, and it's not going well.
My big achievement for today is that I started on the paperwork! My anxiety grew the close I got to doing it and as I sat down and started pulling files towards me definite PTSD type symptoms started - tight chest, difficulty breathing, sick feeling in stomach, a kind of prickly heat on my arms and back, sweating and my brain starts firing off in a million different places - imaginary arguments that might come up with people, old arguments that have come up in the past, images of the social worker driving off with my little boy in the car (that didn't actually happen but it was a recurring dream I had for several years afterwards, where she dragged him out of my arms while my mum stood there laughing and encouraging her and then she drove off with him. Just typing that I can feel the rage and the venom rising up from my stomach and I want to punch them both in the face).I'm so sorry, (((Tupp.,)) My T would say to get up and PUSH ON THAT WALL with all your might. That energy is real, and it's driving up through your body, and out your arms and legs to DO DO DO, and it's better to do push ups, or sit ups, PUSH and let it discharge, which is always the opposite of what I want to do when I feel stressed. That feeling stressed, and planning for bad situations, and situations from the past is a coping strategy, Tupp, and we're both used to doing it. It's saved us in the past, but it's hurting us now.
We learn to breath, walk, push our way out from under the alarm bells, and engage higher brain... then go back to the task at hand, and keep doing that until we get more control over the alarm bells. Soon, we train our systems into parasympathetic mode, or at least build those pathways up, so they're stronger and more easily used.
But I am digressing. I am going to make an appointment to see the GP and get the PTSD type stuff recorded and ask her for a letter that explains how ill dealing with them makes me so I can wave it at people when necessary (our previous GP did this for me a couple of years ago; it's one of the things that frustrates me about the system - no-one will take me at my word but if the GP writes up what I tell her they'll accept it). Yes. Sounds very helpful.
I have written up a very detailed list of what I need to do, resources I need to gather together, information I need to read, people I need to contact and so on. I had notes on all of it but where I've been so tired they were scattered and scrappy so I've written it all up fresh, in a notebook so that I can make notes about what I'm doing as I go along. Sometimes notes, and files are easy to locate for me. Sometimes I'm lost in a sea of information. I envy your organization skills. I've got ten stressful paperwork jobs to do and then five less stressful ones as they're more to do with putting together a new home based programme for son, checking new venues, reading up on benefit changes when he turns 18 and so on. So ten hideous ones and five not hideous ones. I think you have the skill of breaking down tasks into realistic pieces and carrying them out. Unhooking those old alarm bells seems like it would be super helpful, Tupp.
I've given myself a week to deal with each job and written the date it needs to be finished by. Three of the jobs are basically just emails and shouldn't take long to do at all. A couple of the complaints are fairly straightforward and shouldn't take too long either. The last job on the list will only be necessary if the earlier complaints don't set the wheels in motion so I might not need to do that at all. So I'm hoping that the quick jobs will balance out the slower ones and that I'll be able to move through the list a bit quicker than I've timetabled, but either way, we should be at the top of the paperwork mountain by the end of November (unless we have another court hearing but I'll leave that to one side for now as I won't know about that for another couple of months).
I'm aiming to do two hours a day on it and want to work Monday to Friday, but did decide to get one session in today to get the ball rolling. I armed myself with tea and water, took various flower remedies (which I've carried on taking as I work) and sucked on my CBD vape a lot. I've got relaxing music on in the background and I'm going to keep stopping to tidy up around myself as I go, because I find the mess distracting and I find it hard to find things if it's untidy so I'm going to keep on top of that as part of it. You're an amazing Amazon, Tupp.
I feel shaky but I'm going to plough on with it now. I feel better for the five weeks of rest I've had - an awful lot of my symptoms have reduced significantly over the last month, including the menopause stuff, so I do feel a lot of it is exacerbated by stress and exhaustion, if not caused by it. I feel better for being organised and feel like I can get on with it more now. I've made myself sit down by 3pm so that I can be finished by 5pm and then we can have tea and go to the beach. ::picturing Tupp at the beach::. So wise to get out into nature.
So that's my achievement for today! Feel sick but I'm going to keep pushing past it and hopefully by Friday I will be making some good progress. xx You're amazing. Lighter
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Two, good job on being ahead of schedule, one less thing to do.
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Organized the desktop files on my laptop!! wooo hooo less clutter. It's crazy that technology is another place that can get cluttered.
Also got my emails from 600 down to about 25. Now that I am starting to get important emails for once might as well clean it.
Went for a walk at night looked at stars was nice.
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Bravo, G!
Seriously.
Hops
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This made me feel better just reading what you all did! I'm afraid I havent been near so productive though.
Actually slept all night and woke up without an earache for first time in over a week. I think I'm on the mend!
Coffee and breakfast and online obsessing about politics (waving at Skep and Hops).
Texted my daughter back and forth about her trip here next week. This is the first time that she has come home on a trip that I havent had to work most of the time. Ever. We are going to art exhibits and out to dinner, and over to my son's and his boyfriends apartment for tacos. Then hanging out with other sons for rest of week. I am so looking forward to it and the planning was half the fun.
Pulled together my paperwork to send to leasing office for new apartment. Bright and early Monday morning, and hopefully no snafus, and it should be all squared away. Then spent some time planning room arrangement in new living room!
Made 2 veggie pizzas and chatted with son. Called other daughter and caught up on things (so nice to be talking again) and found homes with her for several items that won't fit into new apartment.
Grocery shop. It. Is. So. Hot. Outside. Shlep groceries in and dirty laundry out.
Washed clothes but whole system went down before I could dry them. GRRRR. One of many reasons I am moving.
Piled wet clothes into car and drove to the other laundry center in complex. You could fry an egg in there
Now I'm drinking kombucha and try to cool down before I go get them --and then I am in for the night.
Did I pack? No. But no negative stuff. Only what I DID do, right?
CB
That sounds to me like you did a lot, CB! And yep, what we did do, not what we didn't :) And I think things like getting a good night's sleep count as achievements, because they're so beneficial to us (and sometimes so hard to achieve). So I think that one is a biggie :) Do you know when you get in to your new apartment? Glad you got the paperwork together and sorted out :) xx xx
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Organized the desktop files on my laptop!! wooo hooo less clutter. It's crazy that technology is another place that can get cluttered.
Also got my emails from 600 down to about 25. Now that I am starting to get important emails for once might as well clean it.
Went for a walk at night looked at stars was nice.
That's brilliant, G, it amazes me how cluttered technology can get. Sometimes I think it's worse than regular clutter, because it's less obvious - 600 letters stacked up in your sitting room would have hit a bin quite some time ago but when it's on the computer I think we notice it less. I dread to think how many I have on mine!
I love looking at the stars :) xx xx
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I think my main achievement over the last week has been that I've started to focus on myself more, and started working more on accepting myself as I am, rather than criticising myself for not being who I think I should be.
Some examples are:
I'm not as fit and healthy and energy filled as I used to be. I've stopped berating myself for this. I'm doing the best I can, and looking after myself the best I can. I cancelled an outing today because I was tired - this is a good thing, rather than me forcing myself along with gallons of coffee and feeling even worse tomorrow.
My coping mechanisms are not healthy ones (see the above comment re coffee!). So I've written a list of my unhealthy coping habits and then another list of healthier ones to try to replace them with. So instead of forcing myself through the day today, I have had a nice bath, napped, meditated and done some yoga. My achievement is that I practised self care rather than forcing myself through the day and berating myself for not being able to do it :)
I do feel that I've managed to switch from focusing on friends who don't call to friends who do. It's really important to me to do that, and to recognise that my online friends (you guys) are just as important as real life friends - in some ways more, because I share more with you guys than I do with anyone else. Again, it's about shifting from what I think I should have or be doing, to focusing on what I'm actually doing and what I actually have. That feels like a big switch for me.
I have followed the acupuncturist's advice and written some affirmations. They are simple ones and I am finding that, if my brain is going into a negative whirl unnecessarily, refocusing on some positives about myself (I am a loving and creative individual. I am building a support network for my son. I am open to healthy and loving relationships) is helping me knock the unnecessary negativity out of the way. I am still not a fan of Law of Attraction/Mindfulness/your thoughts create your reality and so on, largely because, as I think we've talked about on here before, I feel in some cases it's used as victim blaming and just glosses over some very deep seated and serious issues. I do wonder if it's been Westernized and if aspects of deep introspection and self knowledge practised in other cultures have been reduced to something that fits into a meme or a slogan on a T shirt (I have the same issue with yoga classes that focus on the mat and the leggings rather than the calming aspects and health creating movements!). But anyway, I'm digressing, my achievement is that I'm picking out the bits that work for me and help and leaving behind the bits that don't.
I have moved away from worrying endlessly about son's educational situation. I'm going to keep chipping away at things a bit at a time and try to focus on what I learn along the way rather than having an end result in mind and then being disappointed when that doesn't happen. I think perhaps that's been my biggest problem with this move - in my head I saw son off at college, me back at work, socialising a lot, meeting a new man, visiting beautiful places, switching this horror house for a nice little cottage by the sea. And because that isn't what's happened, it's really knocked me. So I'm trying to focus more on what I'm doing, here and now, and not keeping on having a picture in my mind of what I think ought to be happening. That feels like an achievement of sorts.
So a funny mixture, a bit vague, I suppose, as they're things that aren't as easy for me to measure as getting the house clean or cutting the grass. But I feel like I'm in a pretty good place in myself right now. I think that's an achievement as well! Lol xx xx
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I think this is wonderful, Tupp.
I wonder if you could recast those statements, not as "affirmations" (which carries woo-woo baggage about doing it "right" or being "wrong") -- but just as Truths.
Because they are. You're not making up those witless "The Secret" or "law of attraction" affirmations of unreality:
Every day in every way I am getting better and better!
I am full of wealth and abundance!
I thrive in perfect health!
I love everyone and everyone loves me!
Those are just manipulative bullshit, imo.
The examples you created are simply Positive Truths. Facts, actually. And it can only be a good thing to remind yourself of those. I admire you for it and believe it's a great idea.
Hugs
Hops
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Oh my.... releasing those expectations for where we thought we'd be, and what we thought we'd be doing, Tupp.
Yessssssss.
It's a gripping story, and can take up so much of our time, and focus... but it's just another story.
Those stories are rabbit holes, IME. All of them.
Lighter
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I think this is wonderful, Tupp.
I wonder if you could recast those statements, not as "affirmations" (which carries woo-woo baggage about doing it "right" or being "wrong") -- but just as Truths.
Because they are. You're not making up those witless "The Secret" or "law of attraction" affirmations of unreality:
Every day in every way I am getting better and better!
I am full of wealth and abundance!
I thrive in perfect health!
I love everyone and everyone loves me!
Those are just manipulative bullshit, imo.
The examples you created are simply Positive Truths. Facts, actually. And it can only be a good thing to remind yourself of those. I admire you for it and believe it's a great idea.
Hugs
Hops
'Truths' works well for me, Hops, I have re-named as of now! Works much better for me than 'Affirmations'; there's just too much about the whole Law Of Attraction thing that jars with me so 'Truths' works better for me. Interestingly it is doing virtually nothing helpful today; I feel very ill (seem to be getting flu like symptoms at the end of my period now - not sure if that's a menopause thing but will look into it). And interestingly I'm finding that my bad mood is very firmly stuck in place no matter what else I do or think. I just want to be in bed with someone bringing me food every couple of hours :) But not too much to do today and then I can go to bed - will just have to sort my own food out :) Lol, 'Truths' works for me, thanks for the idea! :) xx
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Oh my.... releasing those expectations for where we thought we'd be, and what we thought we'd be doing, Tupp.
Yessssssss.
It's a gripping story, and can take up so much of our time, and focus... but it's just another story.
Those stories are rabbit holes, IME. All of them.
Lighter
It is, isn't it? I've done it my whole life - always wanted to be doing something other than what I was doing, the one exception being University. Loved it and wish I could have stayed there forever. It's like a world within a world. So much nicer than this one :) But yes, focus on where we are and what we're doing, rather than what we think we should be doing. Because of not being good enough? Or because of the Western culture of consuming/achieving/status and so on (Western culture is on my mind a lot at the moment, I'm not really sure why). xx
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Even though they're not helping today, ((((Tupp))), don't give up on regular contemplation of your positive Truths.
The practice is cumulative, not instant. Don't measure it by any day, just over time.
Any time you need some more positive truths about yourself, say the word! I've got a hundred.
Hugs
Hops
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Sorry you're feeling down, Tupp.
Maybe keep healthy snacks by the bed.... nuts, good water, dried fruit, and shuffle into the kitchen for oatmeal, canned soup, whatever easy thing feels comforting to heat.
It's OK to have down time.
BTW did you have a chance to look at the link Hops left on the HAPPINESS thread?
I watched it today, and it's been so helpful today. I play it in the background, and notice how much better I feel when I manage to practice sitting or walking meditations, which isn't easy, or as often as I strive for. It's just such a relief when I do. I'm shocked I don't do it more often, and I discussed just that with T today
I think it's the pull of hypervigilance makes it so difficult to shift focus, and BE PRESENT.... it's like pulling myself out of very sticky taffy. There's a part of me that doesn't feel safe.... if I go inside and really LOOK at what's going on, I identify the feeling, and what's beneath just shows up, usually in a flood of emotion, and I feel.....
One more down..... It's a victory, really, and I wish my habits would shift already!
I hope you feel better soon, Tupp.
::sending you a cool refreshing breeze blowing through you::.
Lighter
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Sorry you're feeling down, Tupp.
Maybe keep healthy snacks by the bed.... nuts, good water, dried fruit, and shuffle into the kitchen for oatmeal, canned soup, whatever easy thing feels comforting to heat.
It's OK to have down time.
BTW did you have a chance to look at the link Hops left on the HAPPINESS thread?
I watched it today, and it's been so helpful today. I play it in the background, and notice how much better I feel when I manage to practice sitting or walking meditations, which isn't easy, or as often as I strive for. It's just such a relief when I do. I'm shocked I don't do it more often, and I discussed just that with T today
I think it's the pull of hypervigilance makes it so difficult to shift focus, and BE PRESENT.... it's like pulling myself out of very sticky taffy. There's a part of me that doesn't feel safe.... if I go inside and really LOOK at what's going on, I identify the feeling, and what's beneath just shows up, usually in a flood of emotion, and I feel.....
One more down..... It's a victory, really, and I wish my habits would shift already!
I hope you feel better soon, Tupp.
::sending you a cool refreshing breeze blowing through you::.
Lighter
Thanks, Lighter, I do feel better now :) I think it's still hormonal problems; slowly working through it all but it is improving. Just takes time to sift out the different threads, try different things, see what helps and what doesn't, and so on. Getting there! In a good hormonal phase at the minute and taking advantage of it by getting on with things, and will try to get in to see the acupuncturist during the next 'down' cycle to see if he can treat that as it happens (which would be great!).
Have tackled several files today, sorting through, taking out unnecessary paperwork and shredding it, re-organising what's left so it's easier to find and is in a more logical order. That felt good. Not being able to find things (indeed, just not knowing where things are) makes me feel stressed so it's dealt with a deal of that and that's good.
Read my emails after ignoring them for about ten days, I think. Mostly junk, one from a social worker which did set off an immediate reaction when I read it, but not before, which is in itself an improvement. Felt angry and frustrated almost instantly but calmed down quickly and have a plan in place now to deal with the situation (which isn't urgent and can just go on the to do list).
Tried a new tactic of motivating myself which was, "If we were moving house next week, what would I do today?". For some reason that really focused me, even though we are most definitely not moving house next week, nor any time soon! It's weird how you can kind of trick your own brain into working better? Odd. But anyway, for whatever reason, it worked, and instead of having a whole page of things to do today, I honed it down to absolute basics of food/take son out/yoga/take a nap/do paperwork/clean house. And it's kind of worked! I've organised a lot of paperwork today and I feel better for doing that (plus it will make what I do next easier and quicker). I've cleaned and tidied as I go, just little bits and pieces as I saw them but the house feels more organised and less cluttered as well. Funny how tricking yourself can be a good thing sometimes! Lol xx
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Tupp:
Brain doc said we burn through vitamin D like crazy when under stress, and it's difficult to build back up. You've been under a lot of stress for many years. Please make sure you have a good water soluble Vit D supplement as you likely have a deficiency. Both my girls and I have that problem.
Vit D deficiency messes with our hormones.
I'm glad you're feeling better, and knocking out tasks: )
Lighter
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Even though they're not helping today, ((((Tupp))), don't give up on regular contemplation of your positive Truths.
The practice is cumulative, not instant. Don't measure it by any day, just over time.
Any time you need some more positive truths about yourself, say the word! I've got a hundred.
Hugs
Hops
Thanks, Hops! That is kind of you :) I'm finding they're changing daily at the moment. Today it is "I am loving myself the best way I can". Yesterday it was "I am ready to embrace communal living. I am ready to meet my soul mate. I am ready to make a lot of money". The day before that it was, "I am doing the best I can with this shitty life I'm forced to live". I think it's really important to me that there's no devil whispering, "Bullshit" in my ear, which is what I find happens if I say things like, "I love myself unconditionally". I don't, so I know I'm lying to myself and it makes me feel shaky. So focusing on actual truths and realities works better for me. And the more I think about things like this, the more certain I feel that it's actions that create reality, not thoughts. Whether they're my actions or someone else's, that's what creates reality around us. I don't believe that you can always change the way you feel about something, or react to it. Some things you can, and some things you can work at, but our emotions are there for a reason. Fear is there to protect you. I know it becomes a problem when you remain afraid once the threat has gone, but in the first instance it's there to stimulate your fight or flight response, to keep you safe. Instinct is a really interesting one for me, because my instincts are really strong, as is the 'vibe' I pick up from other people - and I ignore it so much of the time! Isn't that weird? I don't think instinct would count as a thought? Because it's from deeper inside somewhere, quite often I can't verbalise the way I feel, I just feel something's bad or off. I might then think about the feeling and try to work out whether it's a heightened response so I suppose that becomes thought but the feeling is there first, I think.
Anyway - that was my morning pondering! I hope you're feeling better now that you've had your monitor off and can get in the pool with ease :) xx
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Tupp:
Brain doc said we burn through vitamin D like crazy when under stress, and it's difficult to build back up. You've been under a lot of stress for many years. Please make sure you have a good water soluble Vit D supplement as you likely have a deficiency. Both my girls and I have that problem.
Vit D deficiency messes with our hormones.
I'm glad you're feeling better, and knocking out tasks: )
Lighter
Thanks, Lighter, I will look into it! I had a day of knocking out tasks and then yesterday felt very tired and ill, so my achievement for yesterday was to let myself rest :) And to cook a nice dinner even though I didn't feel like it :) xx xx
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Quick one as I'm off to see T -- something that made an impression on me when I was hypnotized. The subconscious absorbs everything it's exposed to and isn't a good grammarian. So if you want to practice pondering positive Truths, design them without negative modifiers. Example would be no less honest than your initial one, but more helpful to the deep mind. So, instead of:
"I am doing the best I can with this shitty life I'm forced to live".
It'd be something like:
I'm doing the best I can with my present life.
Keep 'em coming, Tupp. You are amazing.
Hugs
Hops
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Hahahahah : I'm laughing at your affirmation Hops.
"I am doing the best I can with this shitty life I'm forced to live".
Some weeks I feel like I get more done and others I feel that I get less done. This was a less week. Distracted and not able to get enough restful sleep and concentration going.
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I understand that, G!
I accomplish so little I rarely venture here.
But it does feel good to read about y'all.
Hope your energy perks up soon.
(That wasn't actually my "affirmation", I was commenting on one of Tupp's. But she's got a great streak of positive truths, and so I hope more to come!)
Hugs
Hops
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Ah well then Two you made me laugh.
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Ah well then Two you made me laugh.
I'm glad it made you laugh, G, it made me laugh, too! Hops, thanks for the re-wording advice, that makes good sense to me and I am keeping it in mind. Today's truths are, "I am moving towards a new life". "I am embracing change". "I am sure my son is going to be alright". They feel like truths at the moment. Sometimes positive statements feel like I'm lying to myself. But these ones feel like an okay fit :)
Anyway - today's achievement - paperwork!!!
Sat down to do a couple of hours. Have got a lot done and found my workload has reduced quite considerably because there are things that are now not so urgent (won't bore you with the details but some things that should have been organised haven't been and I can't do any more about it now so it has cut the list down quite a bit!).
I am taking a different tact with son now. I do need to differentiate between my anger and frustration at the inadequacies of the system and the large numbers of people doing a bad job, my fears over the future (his future and mine, really) and the fact that, despite all the failings, he is happy and enjoying himself. So I'm going to view the next year at college as him attending a youth club whilst I get on with all the legal battles to get a budget in place to educate him at home again. It takes the pressure of me of feeling that he's being let down. Legally, he's entitled to another six years of education after this one, and we can do all of that at home if need be, so I'm trying to focus on that as the outcome for this time next year and this coming year just him going to a youth club each day. I should get a bit of a break now - there isn't as much paperwork to deal with now and the urgency has lessened as the things that had deadlines have been dealt with. I do feel disappointed that the system is as inadequate as it is but there is only so much I can do about that. I will keep working with him at home and I will keep looking out for work opportunities and other places to live but I do feel in a better place about it all than I did and am actually starting to feel like things might work out okay! I know - a miracle! (And probably won't last lol) xx
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I planned to get out into the yard at 7:30, barefoot in the moss, early morning rays hitting my retinas, with sitting meditation fitted into the same time slot. What could get better than that? Well, the moss was covered in sporophites, and baby girl pug wanted to enjoy the overcast cool morning too, so she came with.
Then she found the yellow jacket nest.
I tried to knock them off her.
They stung me.
I ran.
Pug didn't follow... she just gave up, leaning silently into tall grass, looking at me. There was a lot more running, screaming, and encouraging the Pug to run, but she had to be saved. I left my phone, and coffee, and got us both to the house where I found the last bee in her right ear. She was pitiful.
After deciding which vet to take her to, bc she was collapsed and refusing peanut butter, we got there, then decided to insist regular vet take her instead. The morning was shot, and pug isn't allergic to bees.
I read reviews. I write reviews. That emergency vet clinic had too many bad reviews.
I found the nest this afternoon, then waited till dark to deal with it. I'll deal with another nest tomorrow. Volunteers, working on neighborhood sign, were stung.
Yellow jackets are crazy. We wouldn't even know they were there, if they didn't come after us, and swarm like they do. Just walking close to the nest, and not right over it, sets them swarming. Everybody be careful, and watch where you walk.
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I planned to get out into the yard at 7:30, barefoot in the moss, early morning rays hitting my retinas, with sitting meditation fitted into the same time slot. What could get better than that? Well, the moss was covered in sporophites, and baby girl pug wanted to enjoy the overcast cool morning too, so she came with.
Then she found the yellow jacket nest.
I tried to knock them off her.
They stung me.
I ran.
Pug didn't follow... she just gave up, leaning silently into tall grass, looking at me. There was a lot more running, screaming, and encouraging the Pug to run, but she had to be saved. I left my phone, and coffee, and got us both to the house where I found the last bee in her right ear. She was pitiful.
After deciding which vet to take her to, bc she was collapsed and refusing peanut butter, we got there, then decided to insist regular vet take her instead. The morning was shot, and pug isn't allergic to bees.
I read reviews. I write reviews. That emergency vet clinic had too many bad reviews.
I found the nest this afternoon, then waited till dark to deal with it. I'll deal with another nest tomorrow. Volunteers, working on neighborhood sign, were stung.
Yellow jackets are crazy. We wouldn't even know they were there, if they didn't come after us, and swarm like they do. Just walking close to the nest, and not right over it, sets them swarming. Everybody be careful, and watch where you walk.
Oh, Lighter, poor pug! Was she alright after all that? It's always a shame when a lovely start to the day turns into a nightmare. Nature can be very amazing and very terrible in equal measures. I hope she's alright now.
I don't feel like I've achieved too much just lately but I guess that's because a lot of thinking and processing has been going on and I suppose it's not as easy to see what you achieve with that. I have made chocolate mousse for pudding this evening :) I'm slowly plodding through paperwork; I've got it down to just a couple of complaints that I need to finish and send off and then I think that's about it. There's a few bits to write for a paediatric appointment next month but I think I can mostly copy and paste from other documents so that shouldn't take too long.
I did give the bathroom a good clean, including walls and ceilings, and I'm trying to use natural products now so just did it with a mix of warm water, vinegar and a bit of essential oil. Got everything nice and clean and smelt lovely and fresh so that worked out well. Have booked up quite a few events to go to over the next couple of months so a few nice things to look forward to. Did yoga this morning. Will try to do some more before bed, neck feels very knotted.
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It's funny that you were in the bathroom, scrubbing. I used Softs Scrub Oxyclean this morning on my tub and shower, which is the only one the girls will use, btw. Maybe I can figure out how to clean with salt, and oil, and vinegar. My hands like the feel of grit. Felt great, but set me back on drive to take Malinois to the vet.
He's such a sweet sweet boy now. Nibbles treats gently from my fingers. Doesn't pull anymore. I guess getting older has it's advantages. Renewed drviers license in about 6 minutes flat... AMAZING! Didn't sit down, I was in and out in a flash WOO HOO!
Ordered a replacement Title that's been vexing me. SUCH A GREAT DAY!
Tupp... I re read your paperwork paragraph. It struck me that I might feel better about paperwork IF I'D HAD A CHANCE TO FILE A COMPLAINT. I wonder if filing something true, and fair and right would feel empowering?
Don't get me wrong, I KNOW it's better to just stay out of the system. It's just that I've never ever been allowed a voice in the system.
I hope you get your papers done, and out of the way soon.
PIL SUNG! Means imminent victory.
::nod::
About baby girl pug getting stung.... she's fine. ZERO reaction, no swelling, and basically recovered by that evening.
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It's funny that you were in the bathroom, scrubbing. I used Softs Scrub Oxyclean this morning on my tub and shower, which is the only one the girls will use, btw. Maybe I can figure out how to clean with salt, and oil, and vinegar. My hands like the feel of grit. Felt great, but set me back on drive to take Malinois to the vet.
He's such a sweet sweet boy now. Nibbles treats gently from my fingers. Doesn't pull anymore. I guess getting older has it's advantages. Renewed drviers license in about 6 minutes flat... AMAZING! Didn't sit down, I was in and out in a flash WOO HOO!
Ordered a replacement Title that's been vexing me. SUCH A GREAT DAY!
Tupp... I re read your paperwork paragraph. It struck me that I might feel better about paperwork IF I'D HAD A CHANCE TO FILE A COMPLAINT. I wonder if filing something true, and fair and right would feel empowering?
Don't get me wrong, I KNOW it's better to just stay out of the system. It's just that I've never ever been allowed a voice in the system.
I hope you get your papers done, and out of the way soon.
PIL SUNG! Means imminent victory.
::nod::
About baby girl pug getting stung.... she's fine. ZERO reaction, no swelling, and basically recovered by that evening.
Lighter, I filed multiple complaints about the first child protection thing. It took over two years and goodness knows how much time and effort on my part but eventually they had to admit that their version of events was untrue (I got it in writing) and the Ombudsman found in my favour on every part of my complaint. In practical terms it changed nothing but I did feel better for having it confirmed that no-one had behaved appropriately and we had been treated very badly. There have been other times since when I should have complained but didn't have the time or the energy. I will complain about the education situation because son's needs haven't been met, so they might award him compensation. If it weren't for that I don't think I'd bother at this stage. It's a bit of a double edged sword - very stressful and time consuming but it has given me a sense of closure in many cases. It's hard not being heard, as you know only too well.
I put three tablespoons of white vinegar in a bucket of warm water and a few drops of Bergamot oil, which is supposed to help offer protection against bad energy. I have felt very flat in this house and wondered if some sort of energy was stuck here. The Bergamot smells nice so either way it felt like a good addition. I used the same solution to clean the kitchen cupboards but sprinkled salt first to get the grimy bits off, then rinsed with the vinegar solution. I use bicarb of soda on the carpets to freshen them up when I hoover. Glad pooch was okay :)
So, achievements today - I started well with meditation, then yoga. Had a good breakfast, tidied up, pottered around doing odd jobs and then took son out for the afternoon. Cooked a nice dinner, with pudding, did some laundry, tidied kitchen. Did a couple of emails and made a couple of phone calls. It was a quiet day, but got quite a lot done and it should make tomorrow and easier day.
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I guess the lack of accountability, and consequences for the people who do harm is pretty hard to make peace with. For me, it's the truth.
You do all that work, go through the process of disproving the negatives used against you, and what happens? You got a letter that isn't worth much. I hope it helps you explain what your NM and sf ARE.
You're amazing I realize, once again, as I read through your day. I'd hate to be on the other side of a complaint you're filing.
I write that and think.... I wonder if Tupp can force a decent decision or settlement that helps the bad guys avoid responsibility or the embarrassment of being outed for poor conduct/performance/incompetence, etc.
Sometimes we get something for NOT pushing all the way to the end. If we can see an end isn't worth the bother, then we know what we have to do, IME.
I found, very often in court, that proving I was right, and the PDs or opposing counsel, or Judge or T was wrong/committing fraud, or a little crime, it wasn't worth the effort, bc I couldn't GET anything out of them, or put them in jail, or recoup more than a fraction of the time and expense, etc.
What are your options, Tupp? What's your best opportunity to get the best outcome for your son?
(((Tupp))) You deserve a break. I hope it's on the way.
Lighter
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I guess the lack of accountability, and consequences for the people who do harm is pretty hard to make peace with. For me, it's the truth.
You do all that work, go through the process of disproving the negatives used against you, and what happens? You got a letter that isn't worth much. I hope it helps you explain what your NM and sf ARE.
You're amazing I realize, once again, as I read through your day. I'd hate to be on the other side of a complaint you're filing.
I write that and think.... I wonder if Tupp can force a decent decision or settlement that helps the bad guys avoid responsibility or the embarrassment of being outed for poor conduct/performance/incompetence, etc.
Sometimes we get something for NOT pushing all the way to the end. If we can see an end isn't worth the bother, then we know what we have to do, IME.
I found, very often in court, that proving I was right, and the PDs or opposing counsel, or Judge or T was wrong/committing fraud, or a little crime, it wasn't worth the effort, bc I couldn't GET anything out of them, or put them in jail, or recoup more than a fraction of the time and expense, etc.
What are your options, Tupp? What's your best opportunity to get the best outcome for your son?
(((Tupp))) You deserve a break. I hope it's on the way.
Lighter
Aw, Lighter, I do get what you mean, at each stage you do have to ask yourself what is worth your time, effort, what is the best possible outcome and is it worth it? I think for me, sadly, I realised quite some time ago that, if the best we can get is a letter, two years after the original incident, telling me I was right, then it isn't worth it in many cases. I don't personally believe that individual people have an impact on certain personality types, who are convinced they are right, regardless of any evidence to the contrary. And discrimination against people with learning disabilities is rife in the UK, so deeply embedded in our society and culture that it just permeates everything that you do. A lot of people don't seem to understand that there is more to equality than being nice to someone - you have to try your best to help them live the best life they possibly can and a lot of people don't think it's worth the time with someone who is unlikely to develop beyond a certain stage of childhood. It's also important not to impose your own notion of what their best life is upon them - something I've always found hard not to do - and that's a daily battle for me, trying to stop other people from imposing their notion of what is best for my son upon us (because it generally involves him just doing as he's told without complaint - I think you should complain a lot if you don't want to do something!).
It's possible we can get enough compensation out of this to keep money aside to pay for private assessments from time to time, or a nice holiday, or to use to move house. Not definite, but a good enough chance to make it worth putting the time in to do the complaints. I've already been through the local agencies, which is the first port of call, then you have to go to the Ombudsman, so essentially the complaints are written, I just have to re-do bits to fit in the sections on the form and pull together all the evidence I have to support the complaint (as the Ombudsman will only investigate what you ask them to, they don't do a full assessment of the entire situation from scratch). So it's stressful and time consuming but worth doing. I am still pulling together evidence for his medical negligence case - that - if I can prove he experienced a brain injury during the birth - could be worth millions and is well worth pursuing. But we've already tried twice and been unsuccessful so I'm not getting my hopes up. But it's still worth having another go.
I think a break is coming! I can see an end in sight to the unpleasantness now and I feel like I'm making my peace with things not working out the way I thought they would. These two complaints are the last two bits of unpleasantness I have to deal with. The house is in a reasonable state now. I have a friend coming to stay next week which will be nice and son is off college now for two weeks and I think that break will do us both good. I'm really hopeful that next year will start on a more positive note and in a better place for us xx
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Major activity around here.... cleaned out garage... both sides, so both vehicles fit nicely. All the yard stuff, I used all the time, went under the house, which is a crawl space tall enough for sis and I to stand and work in.
We cleaned out the shed, and moved all work benches, and chairs too. Now there's tons of counter space, and storage space under the benches. We're hanging stuff too.... it's clear space to walk.... there was tons of wood leftover from the renovation. Now it's all sorted... old barnwood from old 2x4s, and such.
There were at least 5 Suburban loads of sad stuff that went to Goodwill.... feels like sunshine blowing through my headspace: )
The yard is in great shape... the 3 foot pile of leaves got rained on then frozen into place BEFORE the 40 mph winds swept through. It's still there.
I'm very happy today, bc I got up at 3pm and solved the stuffing problem... we're having an early Thanksgiving, and there were "issues" with texture, and lack of browning that's been resolved.
My dog, at the farm got loose, and I found him this morning. He's fine, even if he had 2 rabies shots this month, darnit. The shelter that picked him up auto vaccinates, but HE'S BACK!
That's my update. I likely won't be on much with pick baking, and visiting with family. Looking forward to seeing my niece and nephew... haven't seen them in a while. Niece bakes a killer chocolate pie, btw; )
Lighter
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Wow Lighter, you have been busy! That is a lot of work. All in one day? Amazing. And pooch! I'm glad he's back with you. And that your leaves stayed where they were supposed to :) Lol xx
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Usually don't feel I belong on this thread, but in my fashion, ta-da!
Yesterday was the first day I felt I had any energy since returning from California and getting over the cold. I was up at a reasonable hour, did all my laundry, cleaned my kitchen, did a little decluttering, and rounded it off with actual Marie-Kondo clothes sorting. Purging a few more things to a big bag for the Vets, and obsessively organized my SOCKS into tidy little rolls.
My dresser drawers are all tidy with sorta-Kondo folding. My cedar chest is next; it's just for sweaters and wool things. My closet is tidied, shoes always on the rack these days. Next to come in bedroom are the dresser top (a mess of stacks of books and disorganized bits) and nightmare nightstand.
It really did feel like progress, and an accomplishment. Today back and knee hurt a bit, but not enough to offset the glow. Hope to get both of those things done today.
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Usually don't feel I belong on this thread, but in my fashion, ta-da!
Yesterday was the first day I felt I had any energy since returning from California and getting over the cold. I was up at a reasonable hour, did all my laundry, cleaned my kitchen, did a little decluttering, and rounded it off with actual Marie-Kondo clothes sorting. Purging a few more things to a big bag for the Vets, and obsessively organized my SOCKS into tidy little rolls.
My dresser drawers are all tidy with sorta-Kondo folding. My cedar chest is next; it's just for sweaters and wool things. My closet is tidied, shoes always on the rack these days. Next to come in bedroom are the dresser top (a mess of stacks of books and disorganized bits) and nightmare nightstand.
It really did feel like progress, and an accomplishment. Today back and knee hurt a bit, but not enough to offset the glow. Hope to get both of those things done today.
Wow Hops, that is impressive! Socks in little rolls! Even I don't do that :) Lol, I can picture you sitting cross legged contemplating your tidy drawers now :) Lol xx
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I like the Kondo folding method of clothing.
I also like those little plastic things that hold socks in pairs through the wash and dry machine cycles.
Where do socks go?!?
Lighter