Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Dr. Richard Grossman on January 26, 2020, 04:56:14 PM
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Hi everybody,
Here's a horrifying article on voicelessness written by Elizabeth Flock in The New Yorker (1/13/2020):
"How Far Can Abused Women Go To Protect Themselves"
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2020/01/20/how-far-can-abused-women-go-to-protect-themselves
Richard
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Doc G,
I see the world through the filter of the pervasive reality of sexism and overall male domination, and as terrible as this story is, it didn't shock me at all.
Systemic sexism is an ugly billboard I see hanging over the culture, in ways great and small every day.
Many women are raped and murdered just for daring to exist or to assert their human rights.
Much of our pop entertainment is built on the bodies of women: murdered or sexualized.
And predation on children is increasing at an incredible rate with the dark web.
It's hard to be optimistic.
Hops
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I have some thoughts on this topic. It's something we talk about often in this house.
I'll have to think about it a bit, but I'll be back.
Lighter
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I found the article is kinda confusing legal and moral justice issues.
Legally: The 2nd Amendment says I have a right to defend myself; that's been qualified and restricted and regulated by every state in the country. But the "right to self-defense" is still a precedent in the judicial system. Perhaps not effectually in that locality, equally for everyone - but corruption/power networks have been around a LONG time. It is true, that poorer women suffer this kind of "justice" decision from the "system", than more upper-class women.
Morally: I also believe I have a right to defend myself, but that's taken a long, long time and many arduous hours to arrive at and it's a PERSONAL choice to believe that. I accept fully that other people make other choices for themselves and that's perfectly fine by me. Like I said, it's PERSONAL. I understand that some will judge me for my choice, but then, they haven't lived through what I have or had to do the work to get A choice, of any kind for themselves, because no one can imagine what that involves until one has actually lived through it.
More than that I'm not willing to discuss. Except to say I truly feel for the woman in the article.
(From the title of the article, I expected this to be about denial, self-sabotage, etc. instead of physically defending oneself. Tells ya where my head's been at lately.)
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I'm coming back to this thread, soon.
Yup.
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A few realities about the justice system.
1. It's not innocent until proven guilty. It's guilty till proven innocent, and the fact Defendants have to sit in jail, sometimes for years bc they can't make bond or are denied bond is a primary indicator for that, IME.
2. My (amazing, professional and very competent) Defense Attorney blurted out, unceremoniously, during one of these ur first meetings....
"We're lucky, bc this Assistant District Attorney doesn't regularly hide exculpatory evidence in order to get convictions.". I'm paraphrasing here.
He seemed relieved.
I was horrified.
3. When I was trying to bring criminal charges against my FIL, my attorneys PI (retired FBI agent) told me flat out ...
"DAs don't bring charges against rich white men.....they prefer low hanging fruit."
That was another shock.
4. My attorney told me the ADA and his crew would highly five each other at the water cooler, the morning after I was convicted, even if they knew I was innocent and they'd wear jeans and feel joy about it.
5. My attorney said there's a war on society to incarcerate large numbers of our population. Looking at the statistics, he was right.
6. Starving litigants out is a legitimate legal tactic.....I mean, starving out children, abused women and litigants with the better case, but not enough money to get through court, who would otherwise win.
7. Judges may run their Courtroom as they like. This includes making up lies about the Defense Counsel and Defendant in order to sway the jury. It also includes excluding as much Defense witnesses and evidence as they like, while allowing all Prosecution evidence in.
8. Prosecutors may claim knowledge of activities and conversations they have no evidence happened, but put it forth, to a jury, as though they themselves witnessed the scene.....and they aren't required to swear in before doing it.
Will leave it there, for now.
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It's obvious....women are still considered property and toys/slaves, for men when viewing the justice system.
Women don't have the same rights to protect and defend their property or selves, IME.
They must testify, if indicted, for defending their lives using force.
They must never ever ever be angry, no matter what they, and their children, we're subjected to. Zero anger. Zero, or else, prison, for certain. Consider that while contemplating Prosecutors using very old battered woman info and statistics to convict battered women, who absolutely fit the criteria now.
That, IME, should be considered a hate crime against women, as domestic abuse should be treated as terrorism, with zero tolerance.
Instead, it's been normalized to the point of being dismissed and ridiculed when women attempt to be heard or seek divorce/help, IME.
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That is a point of view I can't really sign on to, Lighter. Why? (I get why you do. Mostly.)
No one owns me, but me. (And B would have a fit if I behaved, felt that way; he wants an equal partner.) Proved this IRL more than once.
Everyone has to testify, for using deadly force defending themselves. Yes, men too. I haven't had to live through this yet. I hope I never have to. I HAVE had to defend myself - FOR defending myself - against a bully many years ago. My argument was short & bittersweet.
If you think women are not permitted to be angry, you haven't known me all these years - and I'd like to introduce you to my Ds.
And I AGREE that domestic abuse needs to be in the spotlight a bit more, and that women in those situations need a safe platform from which to be heard; for the justice system to become more educated and be more impartial.
This discussion comes up about weekly around here. Hol is working her own path through her anger - and right now is buried under the messaging of her generation re: militant feminism and incels, and male "privelege". I believed I'd taught her enough of the ways to never BE dependent on a man, that she would automatically develop her own boundaries over that and be emotionally independent as well. I guess it doesn't work that way - she HAS done that, but on her own; the hard way. She knows codependent patterns are the main bait into those kinds of relationships now. She knows what her own kryptonite is.
The MORE people can and do discuss all the issues around abuse - and how people react, behave, feel and how they think of themselves - in those kinds of situations, the understanding of the issues is increased and the closer we get knowing which soluations work best in unique individual situations.
At the root of things, I'm not angry at men because they seem to be favored in the justice system. I am accountable for my decisions, actions and behaviors... and that includes learning to stand up and fight for myself. It may not be my proudest achievement, in all cases, but the trauma that taught me that no adults COULD protect me 100% of the time in all situations taught me I could/would engage the fight. And I didn't give a rat's ass how that made me look. And I don't apologize or people-please to avoid the fight or appease after. I am within my rights (at least I believe) to defend myself. Don't care what society thinks; don't care how other people look at me. I have to be able to look at myself - with respect, compassion, and understanding. That's enough for me to go on.
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Amber, you're welcome to your anger .... justified anger should be acceptable for all human beings fighting for their lives and children's safety, imo.
Unfair, but if a woman shows anger to a jury, a scary facial expression, puts witnesses on the stand who've taken notes on any anger at all..... you're going to prison, bc angry women aren't allowed to defend themselves and stay out of prison, ime.
I know this, disagree with it, but can vouch for that truth, as I didn't believe my attorney when he said it ......
till I saw it with my own eyes. Holy cow!
It's real and unfair and something women should be aware of. Just stating facts. Not debating any piece of it. I didn't believe it either, but women jurors will convict quicker than men on that one.
Lighter
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I think DV should be shouted about daily. So many women are cowed or feel trapped by economics or other threat ramifications. Meanwhile, being battered doesn't exactly help one think clearly. I even think of DV as a hate crime.
I don't have much else to offer about how sexism plays out in our courts but I know it does, just as our inherent racial biases do. Both shameful and crippling to progress. In my battle with sociopath brother, I noticed the judge only came down on him once my (tall, British) attorney had leapt to his feet and said, "Your honor! My client is AFRAID of her brother!". Which I was, and all of a sudden I had the court's protection. I have RBF, though (Resting Beagle Face).
God forbid one has real RBF. Much better to be a sweetly weeping sorority sister. I was just sad but steely-determined, and with a case full of my meticulous records and evidence. So we won. I have moved on so far I rarely think of Sociobro.
I love Amber's grounded confidence and assertiveness. Fear weakens us all. But I don't think living on alert makes us stronger most of the time. It can breed paranoia, isolation and mistrust 360 degrees. I've placed my bets on general human goodness despite present madness, and I can retain loving kindness there. In specific situations, I got no trouble closing the door on an unwelcome nose, or dick.
hugs
Hops
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Yes, I also think it's a good plan to be reasonably open and accepting of others, believing in general "goodness", because the great majority of people have had, or are currently experiencing some abuse, life struggle, or displacement from society (in general) in one way or another. We all bring our coping mechanisms, idiosyncrasies, warts & all to the "table". Also, all the positive attributes that perchance haven't had much room for expression in company with others or real life. Creating an atmosphere of acceptance in our environment for others might even rise to some kind of "purpose in life". I don't know for sure, but I know it IS important.
It is proven, so many examples, that people DO tell you who they are. Usually show you, while saying the exact opposite. There is some kind of denial reflex that happens to prevent people, especially women, from seeing the reality (and seeing through various excuses) and setting boundaries, enforcing them... without grieving overmuch for lost dreams/hopes.
Institutionally, there isn't any denying that Lighter is correct. There is an automatic bias built into the system that favors those with money to purchase golden-tongued lawyers and the standard belief in the idea that the wealthy & powerful - are also morally superior. Can do no wrong. Over the past couple of decades there has been SOME examples of an over-correction to that bias (ie, not justified by evidence beyond a reasonable doubt) but NOT enough to find a happy medium and establish a new baseline. I think society is still working on that. And because we ARE society and ARE people, we ain't always going to get it "right". That's another reflex to try to adjust - the belief that there is always some active force managing the affairs of humans and institutions. They're just men & women and also fallable.
We can probably ALL see ways that things could be better. But I learned a long time ago, listening to the old men talking over coffee & pastries, that we aren't in charge and no one is asking our opinion, either. Nobody cares what I feel about things, for that matter. And since I'm just one person among many in the world... I don't have any druthers or resentment about it not mattering. I can focus on my own garden, the people I'm directly in contact and involved with, and do the best I can. Perhaps - that's a path toward improving society and our institutions, but I don't really know. It's the one I chose and I like it - for ME. Others can choose differently and I don't feel any threat, resentment or invalidation because they choose differently. I certainly don't look down on them. But if someone presented me with Force Majeure and intended to build townhouses in my garden - I would throw everything at my disposal into stopping them. That is the boundary between institutions/gov't and myself, that I enforce. This seems to me, to be a morally correct position - because I am not scheming to take anything from anyone else (do no harm); I am simply protecting my SELF and what I've worked to achieve and build.
And once I'm gone - if Holly chooses differently - it's OK. The only available legal option I've got to preserve this after my death, would be a conservation covenant. Somehow I think nature can handle that on her own.
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...since I'm just one person among many in the world... I don't have any druthers or resentment about it not mattering.
I love this and think it IS the path. Imo, when any person makes enough peace in their own heart to not lash out at others, but also the confidence to hold deep principles firmly and take wise risks, that has ripple effects that benefit entire communities. They can be small, kind, quiet, huge or go unnoticed. And all of that's okay.
You not granting space to resentment is biiiig. Dunno about druthers... :).
We be messy, humans. And sometimes really broken, society. But we each have a garden, literal or metaphorical, to tend to. Pondering injustice is essential sometimes, these days often. But RUMINATING on it poisons the soil, so to speak.
Mine garden's fallow but I did buy annuals to plant in my parents' 1940s wheelbarrow, which is now yellow with white handles, etc and will make visitors happy. Me too.
hugs
Hops
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Oh, yellow and white wheelbarrow planter, Hops! I bet it's adorable.🌻
I think I lost the thread ... regarding talk of rumination and..... assuming goodness? Did I miss something?
Lighter
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See last part,,,honestly I'm too tired to write it up again.
PONDERING injustice essential, RUMINATING on injustice unhelpful, more or less.
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Ahhh....got it.
Radical acceptance is a good thing.
Lighter
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Will note here....
Easier not to dwell, on poisonous soil, if one isn't planted directly in it, IME.
IME, it's not rumination poisoning the soil. It's poisoned soil creating rumination.
Easier to say avoid looking at the soil, accepting it's poisoned with vulnerable many forced into it, forced to remain and "make nice", or else.....
so many or else's.
Or else things might get worse, the justice system might revictimize you, society might have to accept the truth and do something about it.
Lighter
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Permaculture.
All we can really do is nourish the soil we have access to in the present, and hopefully (optimistically) let the rest blow away with the next good wind.
May your garden of peace grow and grow, Lighter.
hugs,
Hops
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I'm often shocked at how casually accepting people are of naked female torsos found, hidden, abandoned, left in wooded areas, etc.....like trash.
Then, when someone, who might have been a dead body/likely would have been a dead body, defends herself against her known attacker/abuser/interpersonal terrorist THAT'S big news. That's reason for deep reflection, an investigation into a "crime."
And as many women would put these survivors in prison, as would men, IME.
People truly are, IME, more comfortable with women's dead bodies than those who defended their lives and survived, when their attacker did not.
IME, had the attacker lived, it would have been ok. So it's never about the attack, or threat, or threat against life..... it's that the defender didn't do a better job surviving. They did it wrong. They're at fault, yup yup yup. And....imhe, maybe the defender should have just done as she was bid, and died. Certainly, it was clear the Prosecutor's opinion pointed to that as preferable, IME.
It's never been different in my lifetime. I noticed it, really felt it in my bones, when I was in my mid twenties. Noticed my father didn't bat an eye at a news story about, you guessed it, another naked female torso found on the side of the road. His response was to bark the question....
"Are you a lesbian?"
So little care. So little thought. So alien to consider a dead woman's plight, he drew a connection to another alien concept involving "women."It was an attack, btw, to throw that accusation. Why else, would one care about dead women? Right? Unnatural. Wrong headed. Right?
Dad was raised to be a mysoginist by both his parents, and uncles on his mother's side.
His father cheated .....
"Well, your Grandma was very sick .". An excuse.....no judgement or expletives, but discuss a woman cheating......there was never an excuse, only name calling and spiteful judgement.
My father cheated with his best friend's wife....heck, the poor guy lived with us during his divorce. I'm sure the wife snuck in Dad's bedroom door WHILE his friend slept in the basement. I feel shame, just thinking about that, but Dad still had the nerve to beat his fist on the kitchen table and rail against women, lack of integrity and whatever he was wailing about at the time.
So dramatic.
So all about him.
So emotional.....and God forbid it makes you cry, bc then came disdainful recriminations..... "Women use tears for blah blah blah. ".
Yaaaaa, we're the emotional ones.
I never saw it his way, not really. In fact, Dad's insistence women "lacked that extra nerve" men had.....enabling terrible treatment of men, was followed up by his insistence "integrity is everything."
Such hypocrisy left marks and scars and unconscious belief systems......internalized misogyny, among them, but there's always been clarity around a person's right to survive an attempt on their life. Man, woman and child. A bully shouldn't have the right to murder his family, imo.
That's just not how this society sees it ...feels it in their bones, IME.
It's so stark, now.......how little care there is for women and children. Part of society IS missing a nerve, IME.
The prosecutors only care about convictions..... they'd convict an innocent man, woman or child, but.......IME, there's more incentive to convict women, based on cultural bias.
Lighter