Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on March 19, 2020, 03:58:38 PM
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(This thread isn't aimed at minimizing suffering. Fear and suffering posts don't go here. This is just a spot to post unexpected silver linings you're experiencing as a result of the pandemic.)
--Rediscovering the PS22 Chorus (first time I felt free to cry since all this started, but happy tears--search it on YouTube, you won't be sorry). My fav: "I'm Gonna Love You Through It."
--Phone conversations. Friends and neighbors are sharing voices, not just texts.
--Service. People step up in unexpected, moving ways. Even to the point of sacrifice.
--Music. From YouTube videos offered by famous musicians to connect and cheer, to all sorts of amateur, earnest offerings (my favorite are those from kids), that's humanity.
--Philosophy. Articles that talk about perspective, not mindlessly saying don't be scared, but by addressing core human connection that is real no matter how it all turns out individually.
--Politics. Now there's hope.
--Community. People who could remain in mindless bubbles of entitlement are suddenly thinking about gig workers
More later,
hugs--
Hops
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Wow... that song was a tear-jerker, Hops. So touching to see kids care so deeply and sing with such feeling.
Thanks for this thread.
Lighter
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Hopsie, I am discovering not just a silver lining but a silver cloak! It's so bizarre, this is literally the biggest 'thing' that's happened here in my lifetime and it's going to be horrifyingly catastrophic for some but for us it's opening doors and bringing positive things at an astonishing rate!
I mentioned on the other thread that we're within walking distance of four shops. There are terrible food shortages here (due to people stockpiling) but because we've got easy access to a wide selection there's nothing we haven't been able to get yet.
I am resting, without pressure to stop resting. For the first time in 18 years, I don't have to take my son anywhere (possibly for the next three months if current reports are anything to go by) and it means I can put my feet up all day if I want to, without having to worry about 'what I need to get done because we're going out tomorrow'.
Because of social isolation - we are no longer isolated! Everyone else is at home and people aren't going out in the evenings. So I'm interacting with more people, either by phone or online, than I usually would. It's great.
Facebook has turned into a lovely community of people posting positive and motivational memes, good factual information, people offering to help each other out and people sharing recipes and ideas for at home activities to keep the kids occupied.
For the first time in many years, I have a more stable income than almost everyone else. Benefits won't change during this period, whereas a lot of people are suddenly finding they can't go to work (or their work has dried up) and their incomes are going to drop considerably. People are suddenly having to deal with not being able to pay their rent or bills and not knowing how to claim benefits as they've never done it before. There is a huge stigma around claiming benefits, but at the moment benefit claimants are the only ones who are guaranteed to be receiving an income.
And on that note, our income has gone up! We've no bus fares to college, son's disability benefits have gone up slightly (annual increase that's happened this week) and college emailed me this morning. Son is entitled to free lunches at college but we don't take them because he takes his own lunch in (food sensitivities). But college are going to pay the money for the lunches into his account while the virus crisis continues. Plus I am only going out to buy food and I'm only buying the bare essentials so I've got more in my bank account than I would usually have.
A friend has set up a temporary home ed group for people who are suddenly finding out their kids might not be back in school until September now. I'm helping her out with it (they're all kids with disabilities) and I've suddenly got all these new people to talk to and connect with. It's nice!
Son's rocking and vocal noises are reducing - the stress of dealing with college and being out and about is seeping out of him and his system is calming down :)
My cannabis oil arrived today! Yay!
Two neighbours have offered to get shopping for me if need be and one complete stranger on the internet also offered (he realised he lives quite close by and has a car so told me to message him if we need anything). Very kind.
The buds are out in the tree in the front garden and the birds are sitting in it singing and being happy :)
It's Spring Equinox today! Yay!
We're getting time to do all the 'cooking from scratch' that I always want to do but often don't get time to do. I made a big tray of brownies yesterday, I've done various pasta based dishes to put in the freezer and we're having home made pizza tonight, plus I'm having a go at soda bread for the first time.
I am feeling glad that I sent that list to my mum. My sister called her and offered to get her shopping delivered for her if it would help and my mum was really rude to her and ungrateful. That is her all over. So I'm glad I sent that list for my own sake - I would not have been able to live with myself if I hadn't sent her that info and then she caught this and passed. But she has it, she is no doubt completely unappreciative of it and it doesn't matter - I did it for me and that's what's important.
I listened to music for four hours yesterday while I cooked, completely uninterrupted and it was lovely.
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What an uplifting post, Tupp. There's so much packed in there!
You're mastering the art of living in the moment. Trusting yourself. Trusting the universe.
Doing what you can regarding your mum, then releasing expectations... letting that be enough. It's proactive and what your intuition feels is right, so it's the right thing for you.
THIS is the life you were born to live.
SEEING your world expand, during trying times, is another silver lining, yup yup yup: )
Lighter
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Silver cloak.
What a stunningly lovely image.
I'm so glad for this Tupp.
All of those individual weights eased, from son's fatigue and your own, to feeling community spirit even at a physical distance.
I hope this all in some way eventually rejuvenates culture, humanity, and community. I do think it's possible this will be a long-term outcome of the world going through something like this together.
Hugs
Hops
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What an uplifting post, Tupp. There's so much packed in there!
You're mastering the art of living in the moment. Trusting yourself. Trusting the universe.
Doing what you can regarding your mum, then releasing expectations... letting that be enough. It's proactive and what your intuition feels is right, so it's the right thing for you.
THIS is the life you were born to live.
SEEING your world expand, during trying times, is another silver lining, yup yup yup: )
Lighter
Lighter, it's so weird, during that last session with the T, I said that throughout my life, I have always thought that if I changed my circumstances - by moving house, or getting back to work, or son being looked after, or whatever - that I would feel better about myself. And of course that's never happened, I've always felt like, whatever I do, I get knocked back down the ladder and have to start again. We've always seemed to have an awful lot of bad luck and things seem to happen to us that don't happen to other people.
So it's kind of weird (in a nice way) to have had that final session, come out with all my baggage firmly deposited somewhere else, in the middle of a (very badly handled) pandemic - and suddenly find all this good fortune at my door. Weird but lovely. I think that would make a good slogan for a T shirt :) Lol x
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Silver cloak.
What a stunningly lovely image.
I'm so glad for this Tupp.
All of those individual weights eased, from son's fatigue and your own, to feeling community spirit even at a physical distance.
I hope this all in some way eventually rejuvenates culture, humanity, and community. I do think it's possible this will be a long-term outcome of the world going through something like this together.
Hugs
Hops
I really hope so too, Hops. I'm hoping that this makes people understand that we can't all operate as separate countries any more. We all need to look out for each other and work collectively to keep the planet healthy, and to keep the people on it healthy. It's certainly focused my mind on making environmental and socialist type stuff more my 'thing'. I've always been interested and have done what I can but haven't fully committed, I think. That's changing now :) xx
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Tupp:
That's a wonderful silver lining.
I remain in awe of your indomitable spirit.
In a nutshell... what would your T call the process you've moved through?
Light
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Tupp:
That's a wonderful silver lining.
I remain in awe of your indomitable spirit.
In a nutshell... what would your T call the process you've moved through?
Light
I'm not sure, Lighter, what do you mean, the trauma processing? Or the EMDR stuff? xx
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The way she'd say you moved through it. The process... in a nutshell.
To get to the place you processed. The processing. What it is now.
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I'm not understanding the value of what the T would say, after the fact?
It's how Tupp views it, right?
But I'm dense and might be missing a traditional part of the practice of EMDR therapy, a summary report or something.
Bottom line, it is beautiful what you two EMDR graduates have learned and healed!
Big Wowzers,
Hops
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The way she'd say you moved through it. The process... in a nutshell.
To get to the place you processed. The processing. What it is now.
Oh I see, sorry, I think all the corona virus reading has made my brain wobble. She didn't say anything about it, just asked me if I felt we were done and that she felt we'd finished the story up till now, which I agreed with :) I did want to give her a hug but I didn't in case of germs! Lol xx
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Tupp:
I love what the T said... she felt you'd finished the story..... nice.
Sorry you couldn't exchange a hug.
Lighter
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Focusing so much on health from prevention and survival point of view has in many ways been a GOOD thing for me.
I've ordered healthy foods and have no "junk" in my home. (Exception: chocolate's in my next order, but isn't that a vegetable?)
We held our covenant group meeting by Zoom and it was wonderful. Everyone appeared, we walked an older member through her technical issues, humor was good, sharing was terrific, and everyone's looking forward to doing it again.
I have been walking. Nothing dramatic but about 5 times a week. Big change of direction and long overdue. I want to keep it up. I see people even just saying hello (from six feet) and it's cheering.
I've also made four "walk dates" with covenant group members who live nearby. Did my first yesterday and we had a lovely time. No contact, six feet apart, easy to talk and weather was great. I just pulled up, parked, and she was in the yard waiting. Pooch was extremely happy to be sniffing around a new neighborhood.
A mother posted on our neighborhood site that she was taking her young children on a "bear hunt" and asked if anyone who has bears would put them in the their windows. A dozen people responded, PMing the mother their addresses and some even posting a pic. I offered my tiny Paddington Bear for extra credit since he's so little. I love seeing him in the window now and knowing he gave some small child a smile.
More later....
hugs
Hops
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Aw I love the bear hunt, idea, Hops, that is so cute! Be nice if people keep up some of this social and reaching out to the community stuff once the current situation is over.
And I had forgotten about this thread, I have stuff to add! Like you, I am eating more healthily and snacking a lot less. Even my desire to snack is massively reduced because I'm not experiencing the stress I usually do, or the temptation from walking past bakeries or snack shops and coffee shops. It's amazing how much it goes from your mind if you can't see it or smell it. We are exercising indoors, loads of good videos on YouTube. My stress levels have just dropped through the floor, it's been so relaxing that I can feel myself enjoying the things I'm doing now, and I'm able to be much more conscious and aware and make choices! I love making choices :)
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BEAR HUNT! So perfect for this area.... will suggest it on the message board and hope it takes off.
So glad to read more silver linings, guys.
Lighter
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When you post it, this is the story that inspired the idea (there's a storybook....).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kL36gMrHJaI (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kL36gMrHJaI)
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Hops, I absolutely LOVED your post! What a lot of wonderful community connections. I love the bear idea--I've heard of some people putting up rainbows too. Isnt it amazing what people are doing now that there is time to plan and then enjoy it? I was struck by all the people wanting to walk after you wishing for this for years. I think we are all way too busy and stressed. I wonder if we will have changed things on a permanent basis by the end of this?
I'm still glowing after reading your post.
CB
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Hops, I absolutely LOVED your post! What a lot of wonderful community connections. I love the bear idea--I've heard of some people putting up rainbows too. Isnt it amazing what people are doing now that there is time to plan and then enjoy it? I was struck by all the people wanting to walk after you wishing for this for years. I think we are all way too busy and stressed. I wonder if we will have changed things on a permanent basis by the end of this?
I'm still glowing after reading your post.
CB
I hope things change more permanently after this. I think many people with health problems already appreciate the value of community, companionship, time spent with other people, as well as obviously appreciating health care and all the things that support that. It would be nice if people are able to keep in place some of the changes that have come about through this xx
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For the first time in several years, the garden called me.
My usual springtime depression has not hit and the pandemic
has placed me back in the present, more tuned in to how incredibly
lucky I am to have the capacity to grow some food.
I hired a friend's son to do the heavy part of preparing the soil
for planting, adding big bags of compost, readying the dirt smooth
and rich.
And then I soaked some year-old seeds overnight to help them germinate,
and M and I planted both beds (4 x 6) with veggies. So far: spinach, kale,
chard, beets, radishes and carrots. Save a sunny end for cantaloupe and
watermelon. Just one or two of each for those, since they'll spill out of the
bed and cover an area behind my little back patio.
It brings me joy. Next project is my cluttered neglected side patio, which
is a safe and lovely place to sit with friends (at EIGHT feet, to keep M calm)
and enjoy the beautiful weather.
I think the real silver lining is being driven out of my torpor and back into
nature and its healing energy. That, plus the actual danger meaning that
I'm more grateful and aware of being alive. What a gift to be here, to see
the wind blowing through my crazy mulberry trees and how the leaves dance.
Hugs
Hops
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The garden sounds lovely, Hops, enjoyable, productive and means you won't have to worry about food running out. Boxes ticked on all levels there. And very interesting that your spring time depression hasn't hit, despite the fact that the current situation could induce depression in almost anyone! Do you have a theory as to why it hasn't hit?
There are aspects of the situation that I definitely want to keep up after we return to 'normal'. The once weekly shop that gives no opportunity to snack endlessly or skip meals has also saved me a huge amount of time with my every other day shopping trips no longer happening and is helping me lose some weight, as well as making sure I eat more fruit and veg as it's all we've got in.
Not accepting calls from people who might upset me, making excuses for other people's behaviour, feeling I need to justify my own behaviour and not getting in to arguments about points of view are all things I want to keep up, along with daily yoga sessions, as much down time as necessary and drinking plenty of water. I'm also feeling better for limiting newspapers and facebook to quick scrolls through just to check (a) important information and (b) if anyone is reaching out for help via the group.
Prioritising myself and son is definitely something I want to hang on to. There are only a few things he likes to go out and do and seeing how much healthier he is for being in for almost three weeks now I want to keep restricting how much he does, despite the protestations of almost everyone else we ever come in to contact with.
Valuing other people - this week or so has been a bit of a revelation for me in terms of old friends getting in touch to check we were okay, and my friend's mum (an old childhood friend, I spent more time at their house than my own when we were kids) texted to check we were okay. When I thanked her for making more effort for me than my own mum does she said she's always thought of me as a second daughter. That really touched me and I appreciated her saying that so much. So definitely have people I want to prioritise now over others. No more fretting over people who don't get in touch, don't reply to texts or return calls, who ignore emails. Focus on the people who are there now, not the ones who aren't.
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That is SO lovely, Tupp, your friend's mum expressing how she cares about you.
When the pandemic is over, how amazing it could be to see her again. I hope you can.
I think my depression didn't hit because of adrenalin. After the first couple weeks of self isolation during which I read way too much news...I began to realize that I was responding to the actualities, and putting a lot of energy into connecting with others. More than I usually do, and my baseline gratitude for every single person I care about (reciprocally!) mushroomed even bigger. I think the news of unexpected kindness everywhere and people caring about each other again in new/old ways, really lifted my spirits, as though on a parallel track. M got consumed by the awfulness and I got consumed by the humanity positives.
The garden just anchors it all in life itself. It wouldn't feed us totally of course, but it's going to bring both extra nutrients and soul food.
I think your son is a NATURAL social distancer, and he's now experiencing his own natural level of engagement and activity. How beautiful to see stress fade from his face. I can imagine it.
And you resting? Amen amen. About darn time. I am so glad you are letting that happen...because resting deep into your cells for an extended time is exactly what is needed in your life. The body and mind really ARE self healing, but present culture doesn't give us a chance to do it very often. It's lovely that you're using this period to renew yourself entirely.
I love silver linings. They are just as real as the rest.
Hugs
Hops
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That's so interesting, Hops, it's as if life needed to simplify for you to be able to focus on those good and kind aspects without all the other 'chatter' in the background. Everyone having to stop is the change, I think. I don't feel left out and excluded the way I usually do? Son and I don't fit in to society very well and I find the people who want to live the same way that we do (or need to, I'm not sure which) are few and far between. At the moment, everyone is living like us. It's weird that we needed society to stop in order to feel part of it.
I hope M can find a way to focus more on the positives. There is a fine line between being aware of what's going on (which we all need, just to be safe at the moment) and being consumed by it. It's a difficult path to tread.
We will see my friend's mum; she's lovely and has always been lovely to me. When we were kids her house was a meeting point. She had four kids who between them knew just about every other kid on the estate and we all used to end up round there. She's the kind of person that takes in all the waifs and strays at Christmas so they've got somewhere to go for dinner. All of son's early Christmases were spent round there. She's always made more effort than my mum. So we'll be heading up to see her once we're all allowed out again.
And yes, I'm enjoying being able to rest and watching son get fitter and more relaxed. It's really lovely, and lovely to read of you gardening as well :) xx
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I will torture everyone with vegs descriptions, promise!
I really liked this (as so often, you sum up the heart of things so beautifully):
It's weird that we needed society to stop in order to feel part of it.
I think a lot of normally-more-isolated people are probably feeling more like everybody else right now. It makes a lot of sense. The virus is a kind of great equalizer--sharing the experience good or ill.
I share your hopes that some of the silver linings will linger as culture reconstructs itself after the pandemic. If some of the good could become permanent change, and the bad become motivation for a better society.
hugs
Hops
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A neighbor is building a moss garden about a mile away from my house. I collected different kinds of moss for her, and moss from the next door neighbor's stepping stones as it grows back every year and makes them slippery. Healthy, lovely stuff.
That same neighbor gives me small cuttings from her huge happy lime green hydrangea bush every year. The cuttings from last year grow in a pot through the winter, and I transplant in spring. The first cuttings were transplanted to front yard next to the dry creekbed... behind the mailbox. It appears they're very happy there, so I might move rocks and plant new cutting there as well. Finding the right shade sun water ratio isn't easy.
Lighter
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I've never done much about shrubbery (cost) but I love hearing about your hydrangea cuttings doing well, Lighter. I have one fancy hydrangea (given to me by previous bf, B) and despite me ignoring it nonstop, it's gotten big and full.
Early on I put in some native bay, my best choice (I thought I would do absolutely everything native and organic, forever--just couldn't keep it up). The bay bushes have a lovely mixed trait: they're both airy-looking and full at the same time.
M has grown baby fig trees for the last year from a neighbor's cuttings, and they look great.
Hops
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Hops:
Dig up some of your stems with roots around your hydrangea. They'll give you little bushes that will grow. I put new fall cuttings in a pot every year, so it gets more sun on the porch, then transplant in Spring. I decided to keep adding my cuttings to the bush in the front yard. It's right next to the dry creek bed, and is a very wet area with some shade, some sun.
The neighbor with the moss garden turns out to be new owner of house with HUGE yard. She has a back yard that's all moss, trees and paths or waiting to become that. They've bitten off a lot, but are committed and had good bones. Huge boulders in the front planting bed in front of the house are amazing. She's transplanted huge fiddle head ferns from their swampy area near the road. I can't wait to see how big those ferns get.... at least 4' tall.
They planted small flowering trees then put lights in them all with buried electric cables.... SO MAGICAL! Just amazing. They put in a long planting bench with a sink Martha Stewart would love.
She'll like my moss yard, but hers is going to be feature area after fearture area. So many places to create different plantings and so many tree stumps for planting ferns in! Just..... amazing. Fire pit area. Back patio area with a ring of large hydrangeas already happy and growing. She's also on a huge hill so it's easier for her to create more features, JUST AMAZING, I'm so happy I went.
Around the corner from her is a yard that's all moss... in the back yard, and mostly moss in the front. I should ask them how they did it... DID they use poison or do they hand pick their weeds? In any case, we all have moss in common and someone to chat about it with now.
At one point I felt like I was babbling and stopped talking. The couple looked at me like the world stopped, so I just started happily chattering on about how to transplant and anchor and create features, which honestly, is about the funniest part. It hadn't occurred to her to plant in her lovely tree stumps just begging for green things. They had the wonder of children... so satisfying to walk their lovely property, which is super special and "fancy" compared to mine.
Hops, the fig trees.... someone just honked a horn twice.... it was like being smacked in the head. Darnit. Things have been so quiet today. Just birds chirping.
Anyway, the fig trees grow well in Georgia. Not sure about where you are, but there's nothing so satisfying as harvesting fresh figs every year. Our fig is at least 20 feet tall now and gives loads of fruit.
I might go and take a big bucket of cuttings and roots to plant somewhere around here and at the new moss friend's house.
Happy gardening!
Lighter
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You two are going to have the nicest gardens by the time this is all over!
I was thinking today that I'm enjoying being able to go inward and really get to know myself without any external pressures or influences, or having to put my mask on every time I interact with people. I think one of the reasons that interaction with the group lady threw me for such a loop is because it was quite a big jolt in an otherwise calm sea - like a freak wave upended my boat. I am enjoying just being able to focus on how I feel, and work on that. I did some yoga, huge amount of tension in my hips and my shoulders. I kind of chased it around my body and could do with doing more work on my feet and jaw - and I've got time to do it. I'm enjoying having time.
The other thing I'm finding interesting and that's giving me food for thought is how much easier I'm finding the day now that I don't have to be productive. Beyond cooking meals and doing laundry, there's nothing terribly pressing for me to do. So I find myself wondering how different the world might be, if we worked enough to get our basic needs met, and then spent our time doing things we love? Or another way to look at it might be what kind of work people might do if everyone earnt the same wage, regardless of occupation? Would we have more poets, artists, gardeners, potters, bakers? Is there a nomadic busker lurking beneath the suit of many a banker? I just find it interesting to think about how different things are when you can choose what to do with your time, rather than having those choices made for you.
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I remember when I first fell in love with dirt and growing things.
I never became expert but it definitely was a spiritual and primal drawn-out YESSSSSSSS.
Eager to do that now.
So far, baby beets are about 3/4" high and carrots an inch. Thinned beets already, need to do carrots. Kale and spinach are tiny green dots on the dark dirt.
Groundhog the size of a fat medium dog swaggered down the fence line the other day, just feet from my friend and I (on our 8-feet-apart wine visit). He'll do his damage but I've always liked them. I'm liking every animal or plant I see these days, feeling very grateful to be seeing them.
Glad you're making new friends in the neighborhood Lighter, and finding and sharing inspiration with them.
Tupp, I understand entirely. It's wonderful to see how deeply you've entered and embraced suspended time, and in your typical way, have been altered and healed by it.
I think there are more silver linings to come. I do.
Hugs
Hops
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I remember when I first fell in love with dirt and growing things.
I never became expert but it definitely was a spiritual and primal drawn-out YESSSSSSSS.
Eager to do that now.
So far, baby beets are about 3/4" high and carrots an inch. Thinned beets already, need to do carrots. Kale and spinach are tiny green dots on the dark dirt.
Groundhog the size of a fat medium dog swaggered down the fence line the other day, just feet from my friend and I (on our 8-feet-apart wine visit). He'll do his damage but I've always liked them. I'm liking every animal or plant I see these days, feeling very grateful to be seeing them.
Glad you're making new friends in the neighborhood Lighter, and finding and sharing inspiration with them.
Tupp, I understand entirely. It's wonderful to see how deeply you've entered and embraced suspended time, and in your typical way, have been altered and healed by it.
I think there are more silver linings to come. I do.
Hugs
Hops
Aw, I have never seen a groundhog! I had to look it up lol, so cute! Do they just eat everything they come across? The veggies sound promising, Hops. I've ordered some potato growing kits; they won't produce anything until September/October time or be delivered for a few weeks as they're so backed up at the moment but it's a start and it gives me plenty of time to tidy the garden up before they get here.
Silver linings for son - much more sociable in the mornings and will sit and eat breakfast with me instead of sitting on his own. Visibly more relaxed and laid back, is laughing more and more interested in showing me what he's been working on. Is having regular contact with college friends and one of the staff from college who is phoning him most days. Came downstairs yesterday and announced he was hungry before making himself a sandwich. He's never noticed he's hungry before and has never asked for food or drink in his whole life. Agreed to come for a walk last night with a face mask on - first time out of the house in forty days. Slept nine hours last night - I think that's the first time in fourteen years that he's slept more than about six hours at most.
For me - I'm just loving having time. I love being able to sit here and write this because I don't have an endless to do list to get through before bed time. I'm going to have a bit more breakfast in a minute, tidy up a bit, put some washing out, potter around, phone a friend, there's lots I can do but almost nothing I must do. It's a massive, massive luxury for me and one I'm enjoying enormously and will endeavour to keep around in some way on a permanent basis now.
Also grateful for the clarity the enforced isolation is bringing. I'm seeing friends and friendships in a different way - noticing the ones who phone and the ones who don't but not feeling as negatively about that as I ordinarily would. Seeing it more as a way of knowing who to let go and who to hang on to :) And really enjoying being able to sit at my desk watching the birds feeding in the tree outside without other people's head constantly popping through as they walk past the house. The birds have taken to lining up on the wall to wait for their turn to get to the bird feeder, it's so cute.
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That's so lovely, Tupp. I loved reading it.
So vivid and I can "see" the stress draining out of your son,
and you as well. It's really phenomenal. Realizing what tremendous
stress he's been under too his whole life, trying to fit himself into
the structures that the culture offered him. I know he must've gained
some very good things from college and some other services, but the
ordeal of getting there and back and planning all the in betweens must've
been overwhelming for him. Especially if he's noise sensitive.
The timing of this retreat is good too, sounds like. He seems mature
enough to self-amuse, so to speak. I like it that the staff member calls
him daily, reminds him he has his own social existence during this time.
Your delight in the simplicity of not being frantic to protect and care
and arrange and run a locomotive of survival stress...is the loveliest
thing to read. Watching birds and noticing the generosity of time and
light and simplicity.
I'm very happy for that silver lining for you; it's well due.
hugs
Hops
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That's terrific news.... DS noticing he's hungry then making his own sammy, whoo hoo!
Whether it's just bc it was in his own time OR less stress = more time to notice and BE.... hard to say.
You settling into time and space for joy is so nice to read, Tupp.
I'm curious about the potato plants or starts..... can't you just cut up potatoes you love? I've seen potatoes planted on tv.... they cut them up, making sure to have at least one little eye on each, and they just grow from those pieces.
In any case, that sounds like an interesting project/experiement for you and ds to share. If you could grow your own potatoes... that would be amazing.
Lighter
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I saw several vidoes on how to grow fantastic potatoes just in a bag of garden soil.
You basically lay the bag down, cut holes in it, and plant away.
Thought it was a great idea and much less work!
hugs
Hops
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Ah, yes, that's what the kits are - big rigid bags of soil that you can put on the patio to grow potatoes in :) The garden's tiny - probably 7 feet by 12 feet? And only about 7 x 2 of that is level, the rest is an uneven slope so I've been looking at what I can grow in pots and tubs around the edges (also thinking if we do move at some point I'd like to take stuff with me). I think I can get a little mini greenhouse (you know the kind of plastic covered ones rather than glass) at one end if I put some planks down to level it out a bit. And then I'd like things that climb to cover up the horrible fence a bit. Maybe peas? I think they're quite easy to grow.
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I love snow pea leaves! They're my favorite greens to eat with garlic and a little oil, yum! I vote you grow snow peas! You get double the crop if you pick the tender shoots and leaves along with the peas.
Lighter
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I love snow pea leaves! They're my favorite greens to eat with garlic and a little oil, yum! I vote you grow snow peas! You get double the crop if you pick the tender shoots and leaves along with the peas.
Lighter
Me too, Lighter, and I love things that grow up, you know? There are steps going up one side by the fence, I can see putting little rectangular troughs on each step with a trellis behind it and maybe over the top of the fence to give a bit more privacy as well. We're very overlooked. I was wondering about maybe growing a little willow shelter in the tiny gap between the fence and the shed, just so I've somewhere very quiet and private to sit where no-one can find me :) Lol xx
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Bizarre silver lining but at the moment our income has gone up and our expenditure has gone down so our financial situation is much rosier than usual. Government raised all the benefit rates immediately this happened - annoyed me as it really shows they know it isn't enough to live on but we all get slagged off for struggling to manage on it - but anyway, we've got more for the next year so that's a good thing. Add to that son's college are paying him his lunch money each week which is good of them and we're not paying for bus fares. So just from that we're about £300 a month better off ($372 according to the magic calculator on the internet). On top of that we're only paying for food; food costs have gone up but we're still spending less than usual by not going out at all. Son's savings account is filling up quickly so we've enough put by now to cover the next benefit drop which is over the summer when he officially finishes college and switches from child to adult benefits. That was going to be tight but with this unexpected change it's now going to be okay. It's a silver lining but an odd when for so many other people the situation is completely the opposite. But I'm very grateful for it; I should now be able to clear all my debt by the end of next month and then we can start saving again (and maybe even go a bit mad and order some new clothes online! Woo pee! ) xx
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That's fantastic news, Tupp.
Fwiw, I'd urge you to save like a maniac. Nothing inessential...I'm forcing myself to garden ONLY with old seeds and giveaway plants, and it's still wonderful.
When you have your own savings pile up, every single thing you want to do in future to secure a better life/location/whatever, will be easier and much more secure.
Hugs,
Hops
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That's fantastic news, Tupp.
Fwiw, I'd urge you to save like a maniac. Nothing inessential...I'm forcing myself to garden ONLY with old seeds and giveaway plants, and it's still wonderful.
When you have your own savings pile up, every single thing you want to do in future to secure a better life/location/whatever, will be easier and much more secure.
Hugs,
Hops
Hopsie, I hear ya! Will save all the extra, I think (which will be easy as it's extra) and I'm on a mission to go through mine and son's wardrobes and see what we can re-cut/dye/add things to/remove things from before buying new. Will definitely do everything on a budget as usual, but psychologically it's always funny how choosing not to spend much is a very different mind-set to not being able to spend much? It's very weird, I notice the same thing about saving versus paying off debt - putting money into a savings account feels much more satisfying to me than paying money off a debt does. The psychology of things is interesting. But yes, will defo save as much as possible because yes, to be able to sort of springboard into a new adventure when the time comes will be a very amazing thing :) xx
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I hear that!
And personally I hate shopping. Barely ever buy new clothes as there are consignment shops everywhere. Nothing urgent for me, but I'm not a growing boy, either.
Happy saving! Once I took that Financial Peace class, I cut up all credit cards and have never had debt since. Not a penny. Never ever will. Deeply determined.
The psychological relief of being debt free is inexpressible.
Hugs
Hops
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I hear that!
And personally I hate shopping. Barely ever buy new clothes as there are consignment shops everywhere. Nothing urgent for me, but I'm not a growing boy, either.
Happy saving! Once I took that Financial Peace class, I cut up all credit cards and have never had debt since. Not a penny. Never ever will. Deeply determined.
The psychological relief of being debt free is inexpressible.
Hugs
Hops
Yes, Hopsie, Amen to that, I was debt free for a long time but ran up debts when we moved - unforeseen expenses, a bit of bad planning on my part and then costs once we were here that I hadn't been aware would be coming, plus the return to work I thought was heading my way never happened. I've chipped away at it as best I could and had assumed it would take me the rest of this year to clear, so being able to do it within the next couple of months now is a real bonus and then back to debt free it is :) I like to keep cards (and I do have several) just so I know that if disaster strikes, I've got money to hand should I need it. Throwback to early days when son was little and we unexpectedly found ourselves homeless without money - if we hadn't been rescued by a friend and my sister at the time I don't know what we would have done. I focused on building up a credit rating after that so that I could get a credit card for emergencies and it is only for real emergencies, not for spending willy nilly. Lesson learned for next time - I honestly think I'll assume everything will cost twice as much and then save that amount instead xx
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Hi Hops,
This is bean. Dr G opened up registration for me, it's really me, do you remember me? I remember you had a bad back and had to type and work laying down. How is your back? I really hope you're doing well.
My hubby and I want to plant a garden so bad, and are planning on doing so around September. I live in the desert and the sun scorches and kills everything except gourds in the summer. The window to start a garden has closed but I do have some lovely sunflowers that are going nuts right now that I planted around Christmas time. ha ha
hugs,
Bean
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Hi Bean,
Thanks for remembering me! Yup, my back was pure hell during the last few years at my job. It's better now but will always be fragile I think.
Sorry to hear desert gardening's a challenge! Are there any secret tips for container gardening that could get you some nice veggies?
Hops
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Hops,
I sure hope so! It's funny, when I read your handle "hops" I think hops, used to make beer. Then I read my handle "bean" and here we are talking about gardening! :)
I do think when you come from an abusive Family of Origin - in my case I had narcissitic parents - finding ways to relax and nurture things is important. Gardening just seems like the perfect escape. My husband is currently working on a backyard, he has planted 4 different types of grass...
My husband had an extremely abusive father, I did not know him he died before I met my husband but I hear the stories my husband and his siblings tell me and it's horrifying. In comparison, I feel like my parents were pretty OK!
Hubby has been talking about this vegetable garden non-stop since the coronavirus hit. I know we won't have to grow our own food to survive - I know this logically - but spiritually and emotionally it seems like a good thing to do at this time of high anxiety. Agree with everyone else who posted similarily.
bean
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Just had a text from a friend that said, "Are you bored yet?" and I realised that, for the first time in years I'm not bored. I'm also not exhausted, stressed, anxious (I'll edit that - I'm anxious if I think about virus related things but I don't have the constant underlying anxiety that I've had for years) or, interestingly, feeling lonely. It's just coming up to 7pm here and my level of tiredness is what I would usually have by 8am. I've done lots of little things that I wanted to do today, and because I've done things I wanted to do, the boring but necessary stuff - meals, washing, emptying bins and so on - hasn't felt boring. It's kind of hammocked in between things I do like doing so it hasn't had an impact, whereas ordinarily my entire day is one boring task after another, all of which are essential, and then I'm too tired to do anything I like at the end of the day.
I do think a lot is to do with the EMDR; I think that's shifted a lot of underlying stuff so my thoughts and feelings now are generally more immediate and easier to manage but I also think the rest and lack of stress has played a huge part in both myself and my son feeling so much better. I'm just coming up to the stage in my cycle where I'm often as mad as a box of frogs and the symptoms just aren't there right now. I feel like I can actually, really breathe and it's nice.
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Hops,
I sure hope so! It's funny, when I read your handle "hops" I think hops, used to make beer. Then I read my handle "bean" and here we are talking about gardening! :)
I do think when you come from an abusive Family of Origin - in my case I had narcissitic parents - finding ways to relax and nurture things is important. Gardening just seems like the perfect escape. My husband is currently working on a backyard, he has planted 4 different types of grass...
My husband had an extremely abusive father, I did not know him he died before I met my husband but I hear the stories my husband and his siblings tell me and it's horrifying. In comparison, I feel like my parents were pretty OK!
Hubby has been talking about this vegetable garden non-stop since the coronavirus hit. I know we won't have to grow our own food to survive - I know this logically - but spiritually and emotionally it seems like a good thing to do at this time of high anxiety. Agree with everyone else who posted similarily.
bean
I think lots of people are appreciating their gardens if they have them right now, Bean, even if just to sit in them. I feel very fortunate to have my little space.
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I'm the same way Tupp. I feel amazingly un-anxious. Everything seems manageable.
CB
It's funny, isn't it, CB? I think perhaps we've just been over-reaching and over-doing for so long that the sudden stop that came along has kind of re-set something. I definitely would never have taken this much time off and stayed inside so much if I hadn't been made to. It's an odd situation.
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I love the peace you guys are experiencing and amplifying.
Bravoooooooooooos,
Hops
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Tupp,
Some days I dont get a thing "done". Other days, (like yesterday) I turn the house upside down and forget to eat lunch. How the anxiety works (or lack of it) is: it doesnt matter either way. If I spend a day reading, then I do. One day I binge watched a series on Amazon(and I never do that, dont even want to most of the time). I really enjoyed it--and the next day I spent in the kitchen cooking.
I guess the common emotion when I was working was: should. If I didnt shop, clean, do laundry on my days off, I wouldnt have what I needed on my work days since they wore me out. And then there was the projects I wanted to do. If I actually took a day and did one, I felt like I should have done those other things. If I didnt, I felt as though I was on a hamster wheel of work/clean/laundry. I didnt cook. If I got home at 7, cooking meant I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner at 9.
I rarely talked to my kids, and certainly didnt visit much, because I was talked out after work (as were they). I still don't see them because of the virus (I won't be seeing the ones who are nurses for the foreseeable future), but we have set up a family message board and talk a lot more. We could have done that all along, but I think the restrictions have forced us to become more creative, and the concern for each other makes us aware of how quickly life can change.
So today I am sitting with a second cup of coffee and relaxing a bit after turning my room upside down yesterday. We are going to have a stormy day today, but I had a cardinal couple come and check out my bird bath for the first time and the baby bunny that lives in the bushes came out and danced around the grass (until daddy cardinal stopped that nonsense.)
CB
100% the same, CB, having those repeated pockets of time to do or not do things and respond to my own needs - huge change for me and one that I still can't quite grasp and am so grateful for at the minute. But yes, that constant pressure and constant level of exhaustion has gone and the luxury of being able to think, "I'll do that tomorrow" or "I won't do that at all" is a huge change. Hamster wheel is a good way to describe it, that's just what it felt like, and to have your own dancing bunny - wow! that is so cute, it's so nice to be able to watch something like that for as long as you like, not just for five minutes before you dash out the door again :) Wow. That is so lovely :) xx
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And I just paid my credit card off :) Any extra money now can go into savings :) Woo hoo! xx
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A couple of things have been happening in the last two weeks. I've massively cut down on my sugar and caffeine consumption and for the first time in a long time have been able to, because I haven't needed the artificial energy to keep me going. I'm drinking a lot more water instead and the first couple of weeks I felt very lethargic and struggled to get through the day, some days easier than others but I could feel the lack of energy. I am starting to feel more energised now, though, which I think is a good sign. The combination of rest, sleep, lack of stress, fewer stimulants and more water with less snacking is starting to help, I think, and I'm looking forward to seeing how this goes.
I also feel like I'm finally starting to get to know myself. Without all the false personas (designed to cope) and the day to day pressure of having to deal with things I don't want to, I feel like all the layers are falling off and the real Tupp is starting to emerge. It's a really nice feeling and I'm getting back into things I haven't really had the energy to enjoy fully, like music and reading. I'm connecting with fellow feminists and left wingers on Twitter as well and I really like that. I've spent a lot of time feeling frustrated with a lot of people I know because we don't have an awful lot in common a lot of the time, and I think it's because the friendships have come from our circumstances rather than shared interests. So I'm enjoying connecting with other people for other reasons.
And I'm thinking about the future. I want to work on creating a nice, comfortable life for son and myself and then finding ways to make money that fit in with that. Lifestyle first, money second. I'm still pondering the communal living idea and I think we might try it for a couple of years just to try it out. If it's a nightmare than I'll know it's not for us and I can cross it off the list. If it works well then that will be great. But I feel less of a pressure to 'get it right'. Feels like it's possible to just try it and it not be the end of the world if it doesn't work out.
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Love every bit of this, Tupp!
Especially the real you, enjoying things you always did but haven't had time for.
How absolutely wonderful!
It's as though you (via the quarantine) have found out how to take SO much pressure off. The contrast must be delicious.
How you've deserved a break. Shame it took a pandemic, but I remember one thing you said about how the world needed to slow down so you could feel a part of it. I really connected with that, though I've been way less productive in basic ways.
Hugs
Hops
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Love every bit of this, Tupp!
Especially the real you, enjoying things you always did but haven't had time for.
How absolutely wonderful!
It's as though you (via the quarantine) have found out how to take SO much pressure off. The contrast must be delicious.
How you've deserved a break. Shame it took a pandemic, but I remember one thing you said about how the world needed to slow down so you could feel a part of it. I really connected with that, though I've been way less productive in basic ways.
Hugs
Hops
It has been a much needed break from the merry go round, hasn't it. I don't want to get back on so I'm going to really work at finding ways to live in my own rhythm rather than having to join in with it all again. Some people have missed it and want to get back in, some have no choice because of work but for us I think I'll be keeping a semi imposed lockdown indefinitely. Or at least only going out if I really, really want to. It has taken a lot of pressure off, hasn't it? And I was thinking about how much pressure we're under - family pressure when younger (or older!) jobs and careers, kids and relationships, pressure to be a certain way because we're women and so on. I do wonder how different the whole world would be if all the pressure went? That would be interesting to think about some more.
I don't feel I've been very productive in basic ways lately (just getting through the day without having a nap has been too much! Lol). But then I wonder if that's another pressure? Do you find that comes from somewhere else or is it more things that you want to do but don't get around to? xx
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I'm really tracking with you, Tupp. This enforced isolation has given me a lot of time to think as well and I think you are on to something.
I'm finding that I am having to take less over the counter pain meds throughout the day. My feet were in constant pain and now there's just none. I'm definitely more sedentary since I've been off work though, so that's what I need to work on. Not prepared to give up coffee though!!!
I spent a couple of years in an intentional community when the kids were younger. If there is a way for you to do a lot of visiting without committing to moving there, that might be a good first step. You might also see if anyone has written online about the community you are looking at. There is a wealth of information online these days, as you know. Sometimes some input from people who tried it and left can give you a better idea of its defining features.
I like your idea of delving into groups that fit your interests more. I realized that I had structured most of my social life around people who were raising kids the same age as mine. When they were raised and gone, there wasnt much else to hold those relationships together. Many of them are making my jaw drop at the stances they are taking on things like Trump and BLM. It's kind of amazing.
So encouraging to watch you relax and become more aware of what you want. You are a huge encouragement to me.
CB
And you are to me, CB, the parallels are amazing! How did you find living in an intentional community? There is one about an hour and a half from us that we've been to a few times as they hold Dance Church there (which obviously hasn't been running just lately). They do open days and have an air bnb room you can rent as well so it would be fairly easy for me to spend some time there and get to know how it is a bit without having to express an interest (I'm kind of thinking you might get a clearer view if they don't know you might want to move in at some point).
My big thing is really not knowing if son would cope with people around, especially in a place like that one that is a real drop in centre for the local community. Lots of people in and out doing different things. It has a very hippy vibe; they're almost off grid but not quite (still some electric from the main grid but most self generated and they've got a bio mass boiler and woodburners for heat and hot water). I do like what I've seen so far but am also aware that a fair few of the people in that area (it's quite well knows for being a town full of hippies!) were very into the whole 'covid conspiracy' stuff that was going around which kind of put me off a bit. On the one hand it's unlikely (I hope!) that we'll go through a situation like this again but equally I think I'd have found it difficult to share housespace with people waffling on about Bill Gates and his master plan.
On the other hand, son might really benefit from being around other people, particularly men, and particularly as there's plenty of physical work to do there (chopping wood is an almost constant job apparently, and my boy does love an axe. Lol). And because there's a hippy vibe they're generally quite accepting of difference and I think less likely to struggle with his differences. So yes, something to look into, I'd love to know what your experiences were?
Yes I definitely feel better than I usually do, much less pain and stiffness and my usual monthly headache hasn't put in an appearance - if that's buggered off I'll be very happy. The osteopath called to say she's open again and I found I don't feel a need to go. At the beginning of all this I wondered how on earth I'd cope without my regular treatments but it really all seems to have settled down on its own. Son seems settled and relaxed as well. I think we all just need to stay home lol. I'm glad you're feeling better with it all. And yes, almost all of my friends have been 'mums with other kids' and I just don't have an interest in shopping, boyfriend/husband drama and endless tales of what the kids are doing. And yep, the racism. I don't want or need to live in an echo chamber but for me racism is in the same bracket as sexual abuse and it's just a big no. No argument will make me rethink that so I don't want to spend time, online or otherwise, with people who'd think less of me if my skin were darker. xx
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Tupp:
How is the research into intentional communities coming along?
I'm interested in CB's opinions and experiences about that, as well.
Lighter
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Tupp:
How is the research into intentional communities coming along?
I'm interested in CB's opinions and experiences about that, as well.
Lighter
I've done a bit, Lighter, but I'm being mindful of not being too much 'in my head' with it all. We will need to visit places and not just the communities but spend time in the surrounding areas, have a look at any clubs or social events son might like, look at property prices locally (in case the commune idea is terrible and we need to move out eight weeks after we move in) and just generally do lots of research in 'real life', rather than me daydreaming on the internet (which I do a lot and am trying to cut right down on). But currently I have a list of 32 to look into in more detail, and I've highlighted four of those as they sounded as if they might be a really good match. Some places are actually separate flats and houses but all either in the same building (large house converted into flats) or on the same piece of ground, with some communal spaces, so you have your own 'place' but are closely linked with your neighbours. That might be a good option for us if living with assorted other people doesn't end up being such a good idea. I'm just aware that son's noises and rocking motions might be difficult for other people - we're very used to it and some people don't pay any mind to it at all but others find it difficult so we'll have a good look round and I think they all have a week long stay period so that everyone can see if they feel happy or not. It's nice to have it all there as an option.
My silver lining from yesterday was that I did the front garden and was able to do the whole garden really well and finish each job. I don't usually have time so normally I'd just do the worst bit and everything else gets left. But I stayed out there until it was finished and it was a really nice feeling of satisfaction. I don't often get that xx
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Hear! Hear!
To finishing satisfying jobs.
Well done: )
YES, Tupp!
Lighter
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I like the idea of a private flat within a community setting, maybe a communal dining/social hall and garden. Don't think I could cope with just a room or two in an unaltered house. But needs must, and some communal houses could work.
So neat to hear about the gardening, Tupp. Did you ever find any big bins to fill mostly with rock to make them too heavy to steal, and a top layer of dirt for flowers?
hugs
Hops
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I like the idea of a private flat within a community setting, maybe a communal dining/social hall and garden. Don't think I could cope with just a room or two in an unaltered house. But needs must, and some communal houses could work.
So neat to hear about the gardening, Tupp. Did you ever find any big bins to fill mostly with rock to make them too heavy to steal, and a top layer of dirt for flowers?
hugs
Hops
I think it might depend on the other people as to how much I feel I need my own space? When I first left home I shared a flat with four other girls and it worked brilliantly because none of us were ever home at the same time. It was almost like having your own place but at a fraction of the cost. So I think a place where people are out and busy might work if my only private space was my bedroom (assuming it's a big room so I've space for a desk, maybe a small couch etc). But the idea of a flat/apartment and shared spaces is very appealing. I'm looking forward to exploring it in real life!
I've not done any more about big tubs for the garden just yet, Hopsie - it's on my list but quite near the bottom as I'm wanting to focus on some other things at the moment. It does look pretty out the front right now, though, even with just the few bits I've got planted out there. The lockdown means people aren't walking past all day and that's just made it all feel a lot calmer xx
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Tupp:
This living situation journey you're on will be interesting. Just remember.... one situation, with shared living space, might work very well with one group of people, yet be completely wrong with another.
Maybe the group is more important than the actually space?
Certainly a large part.
Having a space to be alone, and really enjoy being in, will be a priority, as will the group. I think there's going to be lots of balancing pros and cons, in any situation.
I trust you'll do what you have to do, in order to figure that out. I'm so impressed with your long gaze.... looking down the road, if things don't work out. You're not seeing any situation as THE answer. No catastrophizing, just plan A and B and C.
Amazing!
Lighter
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Got it, Tupp.
Just vicariously...
I think one thing that would factor in for me in a shared actual "normal house" turned communal would be my awareness that people I really liked could suddenly move out, and people I'd have difficulty with could suddenly move in. That lack of control over proximity might deter me. Forced moves are torture and I crave staying, rooting...always have.
Whereas an independent, small but complete (except for dining room and LR and perhaps kitchen) space within a connected community would give me more sense of independence and privacy, I think.
But who knows. I'm sure creative and clever variations on the whole theme abound. Tiny House villages! There's an "eco village" in my town with small cottages and a big main house.
hugs
Hops
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I just realised I got my threads muddled up and moved my replies on here to another thread because I thought this was the garden one getting derailed into commune talking. Lol. I'll move them back in a sec. If you see the same thing twice now you'll know why xx
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I've moved these over from the Garden thread so as not to derail the garden chat :)
Quote from: Hopalong on Today at 01:47:06 PM
Got it, Tupp.
Just vicariously...
I think one thing that would factor in for me in a shared actual "normal house" turned communal would be my awareness that people I really liked could suddenly move out, and people I'd have difficulty with could suddenly move in. That lack of control over proximity might deter me. Forced moves are torture and I crave staying, rooting...always have.
Whereas an independent, small but complete (except for dining room and LR and perhaps kitchen) space within a connected community would give me more sense of independence and privacy, I think.
But who knows. I'm sure creative and clever variations on the whole theme abound. Tiny House villages! There's an "eco village" in my town with small cottages and a big main house.
hugs
Hops
Yes, the dynamic changing would worry me as well, Hops, although from what I've read people moving in has to be done with the agreement of all members, which I suppose reduces the chances of someone you don't like taking a room. But you only get to know people by living with them and things that don't bother you initially can become huge (I know from previous times I've shared with people!). So there are lots of different factors. I'm going to really, really take my time, and be completely honest with myself. No more "I'll cope, it'll be fine" which is my old pattern. One thing I will definitely do is make sure I have enough money saved to move us out again fairly quickly should the need arise.
I must admit I am really struggling with men at the moment. I'm not entirely sure why but I'm really feeling uptight about men patronising, assuming they know more, being 'offended' if you have an opinion and being selfish. I'm not sure why it's come up so strongly at the moment - maybe it's the lockdown and all the women I know telling me it's their partners causing stress and problems - the kids are fine. And I keep finding myself thinking, why are these intelligent, hard working, creative, energetic women tiptoeing around guys who need a kick up the backside, from my point of view. I feel very sensitive to what I'm seeing on the TV at the moment - women in skimpy outfits when men are fully clothed, women in every show being stick thin and looking like supermodels when the guy characters just look like regular men. Probably just watching too much TV with not enough reality to balance it out but it's made me wonder how I'd cope if there was an 'alpha male' type in a community set up. It's just something else to keep in mind, I guess.
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Tupp:
This living situation journey you're on will be interesting. Just remember.... one situation, with shared living space, might work very well with one group of people, yet be completely wrong with another.
Maybe the group is more important than the actually space?
Certainly a large part.
Having a space to be alone, and really enjoy being in, will be a priority, as will the group. I think there's going to be lots of balancing pros and cons, in any situation.
I trust you'll do what you have to do, in order to figure that out. I'm so impressed with your long gaze.... looking down the road, if things don't work out. You're not seeing any situation as THE answer. No catastrophizing, just plan A and B and C.
Amazing!
Lighter
I think you're right, Lighter, it will be a combination of things, space, people and lifestyle, I think. There's no rush. I feel a lot calmer about it taking time to get it right. I think the years passing has troubled me for a long time. I wanted to get back to normal before .................... I'm not entirely sure what but 50 is my next big birthday and I've kind have had a thing that I wanted to be 'sorted' well before that. But now - if it takes two years, five years, ten years, to figure out the next step then okay, it takes that long. I feel a lot less desperate to move now that college is off the agenda. And seeing how much son enjoys being at home (and me, too) has made me less concerned about any kind of full time support for son. The lockdown's been a lot easier for us than anything else. Part of it is the remnant of being accused of neglecting him again. I feel more like I can put that fear to bed now xx