Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: lighter on June 08, 2020, 09:49:19 PM
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I finally broke down and ordered some fabric pots for the tomatoes. There will be (5) 20gallon pots and (5) 15 gallon pots, so the 8 tomato plants and 4 watermelon plants will fill them up. My neighbor has full sun all day long next to his house, which is why I'm doing the fabric pots. I don't want to till up his yard.
Pots should be here Wednesday.
I thought about making cool birdbaths today. Instead of working on them, I worked on limbing up trees and cutting suckers off. I'm exhausted and fatigued. Will sleep well tonight and dream of beautiful bird baths to come: )
Lighter
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I got the tomato plants out of the too shady garden and INTO the fabric pots this weekend.
There was a large bag of Pete Moss, and a big block of Coconut Coir to hydrate and mix in with regular potting soil and fertilizer. THIS job was much harder and more difficult, not to mention time-consuming, than I thought it would be.
At the end of it I was fatigued, and limping.... something in my left hip was super unhappy.... ANNNND 4 mixes later, I didn't have enough mix to fill all 10 pots..... 2 twenty gallon pots were left empty. I have everything planted I needed to pot. 7 tomatoes and 4 watermelon plants. There are 3 things planted together in two 20 gallon pots.
Everything but the tallest tomato plant looks pretty good... everything plumping back up and appearing healthy. The top of that one tomato plant hasn't plumped, though the rest of it looks great. How does that happen, do'ya think? Nothing appears broken or badly bent, btw.
We planted peppers, onions, squashes, a cabbage, and more tomato plants in the nearby fenced in garden located right next to where I moved my tomato plants.
Apparently we can grow lettuces, beans and things that grow in the ground in my shadier garden area. My beans are looking great. I'll have beautiful snow pea greens for sauteeing soon.
Lighter
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Sounds lovely in spite of the limping. I've got four very sad looking tomato plants in a box, I think they've been transplanted too many times and it's been cold here so far. Oh well.
I've had tomato seeds come up on their own in the past (no transplanting), when they want to grow they find a way to do it. The soil they were in didn't look to great but they loved it. Sort of a dry almost clay-ish looking dusty soil.
There is some advice to snip the first flowers off a tomato, then there is advice to let the first flowers be as they are. I'm not sure what is right or wrong, it would take some sort of controlled experiment I think. In the end it's probably just a matter of HEAT and light that is so important.
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I have this funny red mulch plastic someone gave me, that's perforated with tiny holes to let water through. Apparently tomato plants are crazy about red spectrum light, and it increases yield 20-30 percent. My tomatoes are growing like crazy with it so this must be true!
G if you think of it, please let me know what you've found out about flower-pinching. Or not pinching.
Thanks,
Hops
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I pinched the first flowers on my peppers and tomato plants.... so the energy could go to forming stronger roots.
About the red spectrum light and mulch with holes in it..... I'd like to see some info on that mulch. Fascinating, stuff.
::nod::.
A lady gave me a really amazing old shabby chic light fixture, then threw in a 2 foot tall potato plant in a green grow bag. That was an amazing day yesterday, yup yup yup. I think I'll put the light in the she shed when I get to that project; )
Lighter
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Red Plastic Mulch is primarily used on tomatoes for an early harvest. According to researchers at Cornell and Clemson universities, when tomatoes are grown on red mulch they have higher yields, stronger stems and ripen earlier. Research has also found that red mulch reduces nematode damage.
Have fun!
Hopw
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The garden sounds lovely, Lighter, and so does the light fixture! I love it when people just give you random stuff :) xx
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OK, Tupp.
It feeeels like I'm meeting people who dwell on my wave length lately.
I have the new moss friend, who's put herself on my T's waitlist,btw.
I reconnected with an old friend, who used to be my very best friend. That was amazing and I'm just embracing and feeling the warmth and letting it be what it is. She's giving me space, but we've been laughing, just like the old days. The humor and ease are flowing between us again.
The gal with the potato plant and amazing light fixture.... usually I treat other people that way. It feels like the universe has shifted off a door it was resting on. And the door is opening. It's feels like breathing out a long stale breath I've been holding in tensely for so very long. And now it's out, and there's room for fresh air.. more air.... clean air.
It feels like I've finally relaxed my abs... just let them relax after a lifetime of tensing. That started in childhood... not sure when.
I've moved away from the neighbors who live 2 doors down. Not something I planned. I just didn't go anymore, or just popped in and out when I felt like it and that's OK too.
I feel like there's going to be time, and space, for whatever comes next.... that whatever it is will help me understand the last 15 years.
And the last 15years will help me understand what comes next.
::nod::
Lighter
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OK, Tupp.
It feeeels like I'm meeting people who dwell on my wave length lately.
I have the new moss friend, who's put herself on my T's waitlist,btw.
I reconnected with an old friend, who used to be my very best friend. That was amazing and I'm just embracing and feeling the warmth and letting it be what it is. She's giving me space, but we've been laughing, just like the old days. The humor and ease are flowing between us again.
The gal with the potato plant and amazing light fixture.... usually I treat other people that way. It feels like the universe has shifted off a door it was resting on. And the door is opening. It's feels like breathing out a long stale breath I've been holding in tensely for so very long. And now it's out, and there's room for fresh air.. more air.... clean air.
It feels like I've finally relaxed my abs... just let them relax after a lifetime of tensing. That started in childhood... not sure when.
I've moved away from the neighbors who live 2 doors down. Not something I planned. I just didn't go anymore, or just popped in and out when I felt like it and that's OK too.
I feel like there's going to be time, and space, for whatever comes next.... that whatever it is will help me understand the last 15 years.
And the last 15years will help me understand what comes next.
::nod::
Lighter
Oh my God, Lighter, that sounds amazing, I'm so happy for you! Meeting people on your wavelength is such a huge thing and yes, being on the receiving end of the sort of thoughtfulness and kindness you usually give out is so encouraging and so welcome! And such a big change when you're used to giving and then kind of having to give a bit more. Oh wow. And yes, quietly dropping away from people without a big drama in your head, it's so nice when it can just kind of happen rather than you having to think and analyse and wrestle with whether or not it should. So nice to just be. And relaxing those abs. Yep, I get that feeling, although with me it's the chest. But it's the same feeling, of sucking something in and holding it. And to be able to let that go. Aw, I'm so happy for you, this is such a nice step forward :) xx
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I forgot to mention another amazing friend... the one who went through the inpatient mental health center..... SHE's so on my wavelength right now. We bounce stuff off each other, and learn and understand more deeply the concepts we've been moving through.
So that's my old best friend, back...the new moss friend, who's on vacation right now.
The friend I mentioned first, above, was really my Sister's friend in high school, but it turns out we're creative spirits interested deeply in the same things.... and healing ourselves and always spent time in the family BEING healers, trying to be, anyway.
Scapegoated, to some extent. People benefitting from our time and efforts, but refusing to acknowledge or be thankful or even admit there are good qualities... just noticing what they feel are negative qualities and peeping up about those, while being dismissive or resentful about the positive things they weren't doing or even noticing SHOULD be on someone's to do list.... mostly not even OUR to do list.
What is it about people like that... I'm talking about myself now... that
go above and beyond, pick up other people's obligations and DO DO DO, while being criticized and judged BAD, with evil intentions... and yet we continue DOING.
What is that about? It's a ME problem. It's something I..
volunteered for.
That's not cool.
That's a thing.
That's... maybe part of everything.
I wonder why I did that. Why I'm still compelled to think in those terms.
Why people are often so ugly about it and why I didn't call that ugliness what it was. I guess I didn't know what it was. Couldn't speak to it, bc it wasn't something I understood, and......
earnestness.
I think I'm putting the earnest bit down next.
Lighter
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I think sometimes when people help or rescue, even when the help is useful and valuble, then the helpee feels shame. Shame they can't own (most painful emotion there is).
So maybe sometimes the nasties weren't showing appreciation (or even flipping to meanness) because some part of themselves couldn't receive with grace, accept help, be vulnerable. Shame.
I don't know if this relates, but when M breezily says "Oh I'll come vacuum your house" and because, in his case, he makes such a huge production out of any help he gives (which draws the spotlight back to him, making the production even more operatic) -- I cringe inside. I'd rather sit here in my dirty house and feel miserable than have his hyper-efficiency and productivity unleashed in the direction of my dignity, which is wobbly enough already.
Dunno if the shame idea connects but it's what came up...
hugs
Hops
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Well, I am mulling that over, Hops.
It helps to see things from the perspective of others.
Lighter
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Hops: "making the production even more operatic) -- I cringe inside. I'd rather sit here in my dirty house and feel miserable than have his hyper-efficiency and productivity unleashed in the direction of my dignity, which is wobbly enough already."
I'm just laughing Hops it's hilarious, your description of it, my mental vision of the scene. I'm sure it's not a funny predicament, it's just that you crack me up.
Though I don't get why people make a performance out of helping it's like something an employee would do well I guess to get in a higher-ups good graces, but still it is cringey.
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Thanks, G.
Laughing (or even a wan smile) is the best thing possible...
it's all human absurdity, bracketed by outside tragedy, so
I'm grateful to make anyone laugh. Any time.
And there is something a bit ridiculous about M and me both.
Old-fool rigidiculous.
hugs
Hops
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I'm still mulling, Hops.
And I'll have it figured out when I'm done filling these fabric pots.
Ahhh..... gardening.
Like walking meditation.
Lighter
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Sp, I mulled, and I have some clarity in the matter.
First, I want to share.... I considered whether or not I was behaving in a way that was anything like M offering to judge and pick apart your housecleaning skills, Hops and then ask to be thanked over and over again for it.
I pulled back, thought and though, while working in the garden and this is what I came up with.
M's offer to come into my home and critique my housekeeping skills would drive me nuts too.
The thing is.... I'm talking about larger things... things I couldnt' walk away from, or shouldn't have if I did, in any way..... even though they weren't mine to fix or save or go all heroic over..... I still tried, right or wrong, and to no avail. I could have done nothing and not had to wrestle with all the feelings of failure I dealt with, bc.... you can't save people from themselves.
Example 1.... my father scheduling fricking brain surgery over a Christmas break where my sib and spouse were flying in from out of the Country...... I was shocked, to be frank. At his timing and THEN at his complete refusal to get a second opinion FOR BRAIN SURGERY.
Brain.
Surgery.
ON HIS brain.
That wasn't happening to me or my father or our family, so I did his due diligence for him, and got releases signed, picked up heavy MRIs from two hospitals, then took them to see TWO brain surgeons to get a second and third opinion, which was an imperative. No two ways about it. I DID THAT. Someone HAD to.
He'd taken me to get my wisdom teeth out when I was a teenager, and kind of sucked at it, but I WAS GOING TO BE the responsible party at that dance, bc someone friggin needed to be. TAG, neither of my sibs thought about it, so I picked up that ball, DIDN'T COMPLAIN or ask for ONE pat on the back, I did what needed doing, and I shared that information,nothing positive about it, btw, with my father, who gave me the cold should AND got very very angry with me, and set his sycophant on me to shut me up.
THE NERVE!
And eventually I shut up, and readied myself for what came next..... complete and utter disaster for my father, his sycophant and our entire family. And I didn't enjoy being right. I didn't care at all to hear the sychophant SAY "You were right, Lighter" from her sad little position, rocking, on the dirty hospital floor, shaking bc she was in shock as I sat on my father's chest, holding him down, surprisingly strong with half his body paralyzed, trying to drag himself OUT of the hospital to kill himself bc his brain was swelling and the doc was refusing to help, as I demanded HELP from a doctor, on the phone, from my perch on dad's chest.
This wasn't a debacle. This was a catastrophe for us all, particularly Dad and his sycophant. Can you tell I'm having......
feelings toward the sycophant.... they're recent.
Yup yup yup.
I got through 20 years of dad being wheelchair bound, and unwilling to help himself, at all, or anyone, including the sycophant as her back buckled and her body gave out. I held, mostly, my tongue and did what needed doing, bc that's
what
I
do.
Tried to help the sycophant,but she just did as she was told, and basically refused to present a united front with me and my sister to HELP her. OK.
Ahem... I have more to say about post op.....
See.... dad wasn't swallowing, leading up to the suicide attempt, so something was wrong with his BRAIN. I saw it, reported it, and eventually demanded help, but the doc thought he'd threaten me with ZERO care and treatment for my father if I was going to talk to him that way and then my brother walked in and took over, sending me home, and I guess calming my dad down, or getting a nurse to give him a sedative, but I got to go home. That's what I did.
The next day I was walking into the hospital, bc my dad had a botched friggin brain surgery and I was trying to sort things out, when I see my dad wheeled by on a cart under emergency circumstances for EMERGENCY surgery, bc his BRAIN WAS SWELLING, and that had to be an emergency, I guess.
For fuck's sake. Really? It couldn't be another regularly screwed up day, where dad was getting proper care at a good hospital, for a botched brain surgery and the fact his brain was swelling the DAY BEFORE so the staff DID the right thing and dealt with it BEFORE the brain swelled..... no.
Dad had to be sent to the oncology floor, where he was care for, sort of, by nurses used to easing pain, not watching post op brain surgery patients AT ALL, and pretty much left US to care for Dad, bc that's what nurses apparently do when family is present, bless their hearts, you know they work hard BUT... the docs wanted DAD OUT of the hospital, completely and IN rehab, which I could see he wasn't ready for, and then Dad's heading for EMERGENCY surgery, bc the medical staff were sucking particularly hard, and maybe that's my fault too?
Hmmm....
I'm thinking on that right now, and NO. No it wasn't MY fault. I was doing MY job, waddling down the hallway, putting my head between my knees when the hospital smell and trauma and stress threatened to make everything go all black and GOT to his room, whichever one he was in, and I did what needed to be done, that WAS ME.
Always.
There.
Doing the hard stuff, even when people didn't want to HEAR it. I said it. I said it straight out and I meant every word, and every word
meant something important.
I tell you one thing... if you're sick, you want me there, to your doctors, taking notes, doing research, playing devil's advocate and bouncing things off of, bc I care. Not too much, IME. Enough. The right amount considering the severity of the circumstances, and it costs me things, and I don't keep track or expect a pat for it I EXPECT people to listen and hear and consider... be wise. Be pragmatic. Be aware... and hear the truth, even if it's not the truth they want to hear.
The second and third opinions, from the 2 other brain doctors, were pretty much the same, btw. Dad would have to learn to DO everything again... he'd lose ability to walk, talk, BREATHE, and dad was telling me he'd "walk out of the hospital after 4 days" which apparently his A hole surgeon told him, though I have to believe he said more, but dad focused on the positive.
WHen I learned Dad was dealing with all this I took him to appointments. I met the A hole doc, quite the charmer, but still...... the situation was NEVER going to be Dad walking out of the hospital, bc I KNEW....
I knew.....
dad would never do any of the rehab required to make that happen. Turns out I was right, and that didn't feel good either. Being right felt very very bad. I would have loved to be proven wrong. JUST ONCE.
I did that due diligence. I walked those MRI's around, and God only knows how ANYONE could make me the bad guy in that, but....
but......
Lord, what were they thinking about me? I had..... bad intentions? I didn't want him to get better? I was.... an ass, or..... worse? WHY would I DO all that, and end up accused of being a bad guy? What possible ill intent could I have held for my father? Anger, at me, was so wrong, so...... I can't even imagine feeling that way toward someone who cared that much, did that FOR me, and my benefit, but Dad had to have felt I was trying to steal a quick fix, his recovery, his return to normal life, and that's just the way it was. He was focused on that outcome,a nd anything else wasn't something he could hear, not at that time.
Makes zero sense to me, but this is a pattern IN MY LIFE, and we all paid for it.
Another time he treated me like I wasn't on his side....
I did some renovations on his house, acted as the realtor, and sold it for him... took the normal commission a realtor would take... nothing for the work I'd done AND THEN HE ACTED LIKE I WAS GREEDY OR SOMETHING bc I tried to get him 30 year terms on the loan, which he made to the buyer, which was a really great deal. It was a really great thing, honestly..... he got a check for 15 years, and COULD have gotten one for 30, which would have been very helpful, but for.....
for.....
me not wanting him to have his money....he actually said that to me. Like I truly didn't want him to have his money.
A child.
Like talking to a child.
And I think we know how well my second marriage worked out with me trying to heal and make peace and get OUT without standing up for myself, and really getting very loud and pushy, bc women like that look like bitches, a nd are punished. By the court, their attorneys, and maybe their ASPD stbx husbands too, but the truth is....
the truth is.....
I couldn't save my father, even though I tried.
I couldn't save my ASPD stbx, even though I tried.
Was I blamed, yup. At one point I ended up persecuted and prosecuted... yup.
And that's my puzzle to work out.
I can't fix, but I'm always there for the fallout from when the wheels come off. When the shit storm strikes. When exactly what I SAID would happen...
happens. And everyone, particularly the men, can go all wide eyed and say "didn't see THAT coming" when I'd just explained..... well, I did explain exactly what was going to happen. I did try. I just wash;t heard, or I was punished. Just.. inconceivable.
And I've said a lot over the years. I've been ignored. Not heard. Not honored, and the fuck's wrong with me for continuing to "be helpful" when I'm accused of having ill motives...
for
fuck's
sake.
You can't save people from themselves, and accepting that...
making peace with that.....
it's better.
I mean, bathing my father, putting pills into his mouth, taking him to the bathroom 8 times a day, letting him put pressure on my back lifting him over and over and over was ALL better once I made peace with that.
But making peace with that was hard. I suffered. I didn't understand, and now...
now.....
I'm focused in a not so healthy way on that sycophant I mentioned earlier in this post. Not consistently.... mainly when she asks for my attention, which she;s stopped doing. Hmmmm.
I remember.... everything.... and I haven't forgiven, I realize. I certainly haven't forgotten. Even though she's paid with 20 years of her life, caring for my father..... she's mistaken my kindness for weakness, as so many have.
And I'm about tired of that.... that's about to end too.
Done.
And ladies... I wouldn't press into your homes, judge your cleaning and try to shame you so I could be a hero.
I don't think that's what I do, though I gave it a good long hard ass look before deciding on this post.
And I've cleaned one of my best friend's houses, I did that. Many times. Very well. Mostly bc my kids used her bathroom and kitchen, but sometimes bc she'd been away for 3 months and I wanted her to return to a pristine house so her son and I cleaned together.... no one asking for any pats on the back or gratitude. Just knowing she would sleep in clean sheets after a long flight, use clean bathrooms, and make coffee in a pristine kitchen was the payoff, bc I loved her very much and she was grateful and happy for the care.
Well, that was a rant.
I think I needed to HAVE that rant.
Thank you for the push, though you weren't trying to push, I realize. I want you to know HOps and bean I'm not upset at you in any way. I'm grateful for the chance to ponder what's been upsetting me about that subject.... and it's popped up for me in a magical way in another area of my life, so this is my time to deal with it.
This is my chance to take it out, drop all judgment around it and really SEE what's there, underneath it.
Thank you.
Lighter
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Oh, Lighter.
I'm sorry my comments about "helpers" hit so hard on a very old
and clearly very deep bruise.
You're carrying around so much about all that...it's huge.
Maybe that it came UP and OUT will help you release it, as
it sounds like an agony you've carried for a long time. An
agony of feeling unappreciated.
My ten years with NMom had many periods like that. Not as
dramatic but definitely as exhausting and painful and draining...
and unappreciated. Then I got attacked by SocioNbro, who tried
to ruin the rest of my life.
Families can be so brutal. I'm very sorry.
I hope you find relief soon for those feelings, and above all,
appreciate yourself. When someone's racing down the tubes and
kicking me when I try to hold onto their ankles, I'm learning to let
them have their destiny. And not let their judgements of me rule.
I'm too tired to hold on to the pleasing reflex, or the rescue one.
hugs and comfort,
Hops
PS -- Afterthought that seems important:
all the feelings of failure I dealt with, bc.... you can't save people from themselves.
I might be applying logic where logic doesn't work (suspect I am) but ... if one accepts as truth that you "can't save people from themselves" -- then why is it a personal failure when they don't save themselves? What I'm wondering is whether what you have felt might be more about grief than about failure?
Nobody can stop death when it is on its way. Not even doctors. Comes a time to every human. For all our reasoning and will and other powers, death always wins in the end. Maybe the hardest human lesson is to accept that.
We're taught so much about fighting to win, and so little about accepting defeat.
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Oh, Lighter, I felt like my heart was breaking reading all of that. Gardening sure does a lot more than just make the garden look pretty! I'm so sorry you had all of that to deal with and it made so much sense to me as I read it that people respond to their feelings in different ways. If someone helped you and it made you feel resentful or angry or upset, you'd question that in yourself. You'd think, "ooh, that's odd? So and so did this nice thing for me, and instead of feeling happy or appreciative I felt upset and angry about it". And you'd think it through, figure it out, put the puzzle pieces in the right order and then you'd deal with the outcome (Maybe you didn't need or want the help. Maybe the help made the situation worse. Maybe they're the sort of person that feels you owe them now and they will keep reminding you of that. Maybe them helping makes you feel inadequate.) You'd work through the possibilities but you'd work through it all on your own and then at the end decide what, if anything you need to know about it. They might never even know how you felt, because you might decide it was your problem to deal with, and not something you need to mention to them at all.
And I think that's a part of it, because not everyone works through how they feel. They react and blame the other person for making them feel that way, immediately.
I understand that need, or compulsion, even, to help people, especially when you can see a better/faster/easier way to do something. It's taken me a very long time to resist doing that for others. I offer to help ("Is there anything I can do?") but I tend not to offer advice unless it's asked for, or jump in and do anything, because I have learnt that for some people, not doing anything is their way of coping - and they don't like it when someone else interfers with their coping mechanism (although that might not be something the recognise in themselves anyway).
A couple of examples sprung to mind in my own life - a friend who I was visiting had a huge row with her husband. Shouting, screaming, threatening - big row. Both our children were young at the time so I took them both out of the house to the park and then for an icecream. The row was over when we got back, everyone was happy. Two weeks later my friend referred back to that day, mentioned my odd behaviour and pondered whether I was having a mental health breakdown of sorts. It really threw me.
My sister, currently, has a whole host of health problems and a very problematic partner. When we first got back in touch (seven or eight years ago now) I offered all sorts of advice and support for all of those situations. None of the advice is taken or looked into, but the complaints stay the same. Just recently she had a cancer scare. My impulse is to leap into action but I bit my tongue, said I hoped she got her results soon and to let me know if there was anything I could do. It protects me from getting involved in a problem that someone else doesn't want to work on.
I just mention those incidents (there's a lot more!) to say "I get it". I've done it myself, often. It's good that you feel you can pull back more now and not get so involved. Just leave others to deal with what they need to deal with. It's hard when you watch people self destruct. And when you help but get blowback from others for doing that. I'm glad you feel like you don't need to do that anymore, Lighter xx
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Neighbor said little black bugs eating tomato plans. Asked me if I have poison for them. I said I'd look and see what I have.
I don't want to put poison on them.
Any ideas?
Putting Sevin dust on a few leaves is a worst-case scenario options, IMO.
Lighter
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Thanks, CB.
I'm still puzzling bug control out.
I have to get to it before neighbor gets home at 4:30..... an hour, or he'll bomb everything with Sevin dust.
Lighter