Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Meh on August 19, 2020, 01:17:51 PM
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Because one is taught to be quiet and feel shame, shame generates more and more shame. Shame of not being acceptable, shame that others can not see an only makes a person "weird" and incomprehensible.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parenting/201811/why-do-break-ups-hurt
Parental attachment style, the pain that keeps on giving. My personality really is a toxic waste dump. One does become a type of social leftover but with too much awareness to blissfully forget it. I just have to write it; I don't want words of encouragement. I write things sometimes for just some self-awareness, to acknowledge the self, to have "a voice," and to have a personal reckoning and expression that basically says "yah, the painful stuff it's deep, it's there, it's part of you, it forms your personality, it's not going away, it does define you." I don't want to be alleviated; I just want to understand and get through the days. To accept all the emotional deformities that society rejects, the broken and hidden self.
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To accept all......
Yes.
Lighter
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I hear you, G.
I am grateful you're here.
Hops
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G,
This article on "toxic positivity" made me think of your post.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/wellness/toxic-positivity-mental-health-covid/2020/08/19/5dff8d16-e0c8-11ea-8181-606e603bb1c4_story.html (https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/wellness/toxic-positivity-mental-health-covid/2020/08/19/5dff8d16-e0c8-11ea-8181-606e603bb1c4_story.html)
Hops
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And, something I also recommend:
Bright-Sided: How Positive Thinking is Undermining America
by Barbara Ehrenreich
(Same author who wrote Nickel and Dimed after working at a soulless job for minimum wage.) She's very intelligent and a goooooood writer.
Hops
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A pox on toxic positivity!!
And all the other fake "feelings" that are only intended control people's authentic emotions.
P-tooie...
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Must work on my computer, resisting it. Every minute and hour I procrastinate the worse I am making it on myself. I need to do the right thing for myself in this moment here where I am and that means getting some work done today. Yes today. Yes today today today.
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Yes.
Fifteen minutes.
Start with that.
You are okay, G.
hugs
Hops
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Thanks, CB. That book had a big impact on me.
I was about to argue with #3, about purpose.
Because I wanted to say that even those who feel lost and hopeless and have lost purpose are not responsible for their own murders.
That's true.
But then I also tuned into what it said about losing a sense of purpose contributing to mental and physical decay, and I'm living proof. I've been telling Ts for years that "I've lost interest in my own life" .... that's purpose. Now I'm literally losing a ton of muscle from mentally escaping and being physically passive all day long, almost every day. At my age, this level of inactivity and giving up is dangerous.
It worries me intensely but I haven't found a way to re-engage my will. I know that when I was working for the very old folks, I kept up a better diet, more exercise, etc., because someone needed me. But I don't need another job, I need my own job within my own life, and I know what it should be.
My challenge now is to reconnect with a feeling of need for myself, valuing myself enough to write. My novel, my own poetry. That's the best purpose to keep living I've been blessed with but it's not calling me loudly enough. I do church work and some volunteer stuff and "counsel" close friends who turn to me. But I don't find the courage to clamp on to my own purpose, which I know is my own creative writing.
Back to YouTube...I'm disappointed in myself but guilt trips don't fix it either. I hope in contemplation I'll tap into something deeper within me. Talking about it with T. I know it started when I lost my D. But going backward to relive that won't help. I need instead to ask myself if I still matter, now that I'm no longer a viable mother.
hugs
Hops
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First of all, re: the OP - I can definitely relate to the need to validate yourself, just the way you are - warts & all - and learn to accept it for what it is. Jounaling helps some; but it's almost better to put it somewhere like this and allow other people to provide input, feedback, their perspective - what they see in you - TOO. For me, that allows me to ask if I'm being unfair to myself in my judgement of myself... and start to work at uncovering the why, and figuring out what if anything I can do about it.
And briefly - HOPS, it's not fair to say to yourself, you're not a viable mother. You are. Whether your child, or some other, is in your sphere or NOT. (And the why they're not doesn't matter in your case. You tried your best. She didn't want it.) Maternal instinct is within you and not going anywhere.
<insert Kermit meme: And that's all I think about that.>
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Thanks, ((((Amber)))). The maternal instinct is alive in me, mostly enacted on Pooch, who quite likes being my reason for living!
I think another way to go after it is to ponder how I could connect with a desire to be my own mother. What would I do to show my inner child/creative/yearning self that life is rich and my talent is lovely and opportunities for joy come again as sure as the sun will rise.
(((((CB)))))) I don't have direct answers to those questions but I love the permission and the expansiveness and the encouragement. Thank you so much, for that invitation to just love myself and accept myself and celebrate whatever I want to. That might in an indirect way clear the emotional path.
I'll have a lot that's more constructive to bring up with my T in a couple days.
Grateful hugs to you both!
Hops
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G,
I read what you wrote last night, but then my internet went down before I could reply (at least I could not watch any of the Republican National Convention!).
i just want to say I heard you and what you said really resonates with me. You pretty much described me as a child, "quiet" and "with shame." This stuff is hard to escape, sometimes I catch myself back in the old place as well except now I'm an adult and not quite so forgiving of myself. I will probably read what you wrote a few more times this week, I really think what you're saying is important.
(((((((G)))))))
bean
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Today we have the second worst air quality index in the world at the moment's it's surpassed San Francisco. Or actually we have moved up to number one, yeah we win. So worse than China or India. Luckily it's anticipated to improve in next few days but who knows it's the weather. So I'm inside WITH a legit mask on that I've stored for many months and never though I would use it, looks like a diaper on my face and wearing earplugs and trying to just concentrate and the boring stuff I need to do. It's not boring though why am I having concentration issues... I think it's the overwhelm of a too long to-do list. But doing it slowly.
I'm lonely out of my mind, the more I think about it the worse I seem to make it. So if only. If only I could stop thinking about it. I feel like I just need to get through this month you know. Not get too behind on work. Limp along.
It's better to limp along than to lay down prostrated in the middle of the road giving up, so just keep working on whatever it is one must do I guess.
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Yes, limp. Keep on limping, G. It's still perambulation.
I hurt myself again recently in a fall and today really HAD to hustle (not too fast) to get some things done and then in the car go several places, none of which I'd done in weeks. (Bending, getting up and down, twisting low to get in the car and torqueing back out.) Then sat in a too-low chair visiting a pal with the blues for a few hours. Details don't matter but the upshot was/is some pain marching around my musculo-skeletal systhem.
Since I had to keep going (which you're dealing with too, on your own), when I was hobbling around tonight doing laundry, I noticed things hurting and just stayed calm, and thought about people 15 years older than myself (that'd be 85) who live alone still and have that sort of pain ALL the time, not just sometimes, and who, UNLIKE ME BUT MORE LIKE YOU!, keep getting up and making their beds and cooking some oats or eggs and going off faithfully for their slow morning walk...and just enduring loneliness I can't even describe. Sometimes I've faced it and sort of felt as though I pushed through it to a real and un-gauzy new place, but mostly these years it doesn't get as bad as despair. Just some painful days.
Thinking about those "invisible elders" around me and having just had some good company today, I felt grateful. And, what I wanted to tell you about G, was I honest to gawd think my recent mood lifting has something to do with ashwagandha. It's the first new medicinal thing I've been putting into my body morning and night for a long time and my mood/loneliness/depression moments are easier to flow past with than they've been in a long time.
I'm so very sorry you are feeling that aching hurt of loneliness. I have been there many times in 70 years and hope you will find it softens and passes. Life force brings you back.
If I were there I'd put a mask on you and drag you to a nice patch of grass and pull out a very good cold microbrew for you.
hugs
Hops
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haha thanks Hops, I mean I just need to say it, whatever is going on sometimes I just need to say it is all
The chronic pain is though Hops, it think it can make a person grumpy u know. It's a good point though you make about still doing stuff because doing LESS too often makes matters worse. Healing is often slow.
I think if someone is down there is an impulse to keep it to oneself. It is difficult to tell everyone around you many people don't take it well and it leads to uncomfortable and bad conversations so I guess I reserve it for some anonymous post here.
Anyhow I did get drunk last night I think due to too much stress building up. I'm sure the stress and depression and anxiety and pressure on oneself all gob into an emotional ball together. Not to worry I haven't had beer for a couple of months. I'm infrequent but when I do it, I do it. Anyhow.
Here we are:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mH6Spfsntjc
I've got asthma so I should be freaking out but I'm not. The thing is it makes my throat sore more than it hurts my lungs. Also there are no filters on this house where I am at it's just open vent style, old house. Anyhow doesn't matter. I've got so much work to do. If I really want I can stick the diaper mask back on my face although it's very humid inside that mask.
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I got air filters designed for old-style registers on Amazon, hope you can find some.
You can just tape filter material however you come by it over them...
Even breathing with a damp facecloth draped over your nose might help?
UGH. So sorry you are going through this. On top of Covid!!
The video is shocking, the whole fire scene is too.
Yep, after working with those old folks, most of whom had serious pain of one kind or another, I recognized their endurance.
We shall endure emotional pain, physical pain, social pain, cultural pain.......and as my old Latin professor friend said so memorably:
....every generation finds a way to assimilate the horrors with which it is presented, and there will always, always be human happiness.
Sometimes I think we just need to keep limping until one day we realize our stride has loosened. Emotionally or otherwise.
Hang in there, wear that mask...hope you can get lost in the concentration of the work.
hugs
Hops
PS--Ever felt like this? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dSNEzXJfxw (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dSNEzXJfxw)
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https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/the-mysteries-love/201611/parental-attachment-problems
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Posh, I like your new name a lot! :)
My T told me M had insecure attachment. She never said what kind I have, or don't. Maybe I'll remember to ask her Wednesday.
Has the air cleared up for you. You were about to wear a bucket on your head it sounded so bad.
Hope you're feeling some peace or hearing a rumor of peace, within yourself. (A valuable and interesting region to explore, imo. Nothing wasted about you.)
hugs
Hops
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Posh... I like it! Lord knows, you have an abundance of "certain" things in your life (like we all do).
I wanted to say, tho - I highly commend your wish to simply write or say out loud things to recognize your self. According to some traditions, "naming" something is quite powerful. It helps one raise a level of energy, direct it toward a desired goal... or release something you don't want to keep around cluttering up your brain or emotions.
I know it sounds kinda silly; like a kid's game. But it can't HURT anything now can it? IMO, it's no different than an affirmation. And who knows? maybe with repetition it'll sink into your subconscious and tweak the fine-tuning on how you see things over time?
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Hello Hops,
Hello Skep,
Thanks I don't know how I came up with that name but scab mite seemed too melodramatic. Now this one is too long but at least it's specific.
Hops, we must all have insecure attachment, some variety of it. Some people say statistics are BS, the article mentioned something like 40% of people might have insecure attachment, take it with a grain of salt. It's always food for thought. It's clear how two people with variations on insecure attachments could really have some challenges. Recently a fellow student asked me a question on the subconscious mind and how it impacts language (a question I can't answer with authority). So this morning at 4 am I was thinking about that, of course the whole thing of "subconscious" seems controversial and it coincides with the ideas of hypnosis.
The word subconscious conjures up lots of ideas and I think people use it in relation to concepts like mind control. But it's always interesting just to consider what a person is aware of and what a person is not aware of. The problem is WE DONT KNOW WHAT we are not aware of!!! :) hahahaha
So I was now just thinking about insecure attachment and how BEFORE we learned of the term we didn't even know it was a real thing. When a person knows it's a real thing it can still cause problems. Just KNOWING is not the same as being aware on all levels and that is freaky- to worry about how one can still be controlled by the past.
Thanks Skep. I've been feeling busy and bogged down and I haven't been writing here too much. I've heard of "naming" things but I don't know much about it. To go on SKEP I don't think it's silly. This naming idea. There are so many things because we can't see it people call it silly.
I don't think I'm interested in changing "how I see things" though. The idea of changing how you see things has come from the outside. It must come out of therapists who want to change people. If there is something inside me that can be changed I think it will be changed from the inside out :)
Mostly I'm not trying to change anything anymore. I can't recall a time where I've ever been able to impact a change on myself. IF something changes it does so on it's own and it's not easy or pleasant. When I found this site I was in a serious depression but I also think there were a lot of realizations I was having as well. I think it goes back to that we don't know what we don't know.
Theoretically I'm going to work and try to be productive now. You know now that it's after dinner time. bwa haha
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When I was hypnotized, I didn't really impact the change on myself. It was a combination of a trained clinical hypnotherapist, plus two scripts (aversion and replacement) that I wrote myself, plus a leap of faith (letting go of conscious control) born of desperation. I was killing myself with cigarettes...heavy smoker for 20+ years.
Anyway, it was to me a (secular) miracle. I sabotaged the first success after six months but about a year later did it again--I had read that book and it stayed with me--still does almost 50 years later. It took two appointments: one to talk about how hypnosis and the subconscious work and to brainstorm about the scripts, the second to do it (like guided meditation on steroids--he read the scripts to me once I was in "trance" -- or such deep relaxation as to be aware of a whole new sub-basement level of the mind I never realized I could access, much less influence). I came out of that appointment, got in my car, and never smoked again.
That was so directly life-saving that I never forgot it; and it's also why the subconscious is not controversial to me. Some writers connect it to the autonomic nervous system; some to meditative states. My limited meditation experience suggests to me that the state of hypnotic trance is deeper than meditation, but they may be the same or related. (Looked it up and most concur that hypnosis goes deeper, even though one is aware and remembers it. I was never "unconscious" or "out of control" and could have brought myself alert at any point.)
If a human being can live a fairly normal life with half a brain, I don't wonder at a whole realm of brain/mind function that most of us don't get into (and that our culture is baffled by because of "stage hypnosis." It's a shame, because it could help many people with many things. Doesn't work for everyone, but wow. He said the intensity of my desire to change was part of the reason it worked for me.
Funny I feel sort of evangelical about it, isn't it. I think I'm preaching to myself: this could be a good chapter in my life to begin working with self-hypnosis again. Lose about 20 pounds (those who use hypnosis tend to KEEP it off) and also work on goals, writing practice, etc.
hugs
Hops
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How about we just call ya PP for short? Like back when I was PR. (Pheonix Rising)
I take it you're reading and studying psychology. That must be a trip for you! I know it was for me; I've spent a long time trying to understand how brains work and all the different systems for talking about it, trying to understand it... and I always come back to: humans are wondrously magical creatures with powers they seldom access or even know about themselves. Trying to reduce even a single human into a "system" for understanding how they tick must be endlessly frustrating for psychologists. There's always something that just doesn't quite "fit" the mold.
This talk of the subconscious prompts me wonder if, what I call my "pre-verbal mind" is anything like the subconscious? And if meditation, at some definable levels can access more than just the parts of the sub-c that often shows up in dreams? Is meditation any different than self-hypnosis? How?
LOLOLOL. Don't mind my blather... curiosity has been my blessing/curse forever. But I will pass on to ya, that I believe that there is more than one way to "think"... some ways are more suited to different purposes than others... but all of them can be applied in any given situation/problem to solve. Some systems of psych understanding/"treatment" are more suited to solving particular issues, than others.
(I can generally work with more than one theory, or system, in my mind at once...all of varying degrees of "accepted wisdom"... and run my own statistical probability of the most likely "truth" - for me, that is. It's all arguable among different people... which in my way of understanding things needs to be a functional "constant". So sayeth the certified "weirdo"... LOLOLOL.)
Oh... and attachment theory... yes, I think we all struggle with attachment; even the people with a stable style. I think probably the most dangerous and harmful idea loose in the world, is that there is some kind of "right" way to be... because even balance within a person... is something that changes to external stimuli and internal desire, perceived lack, or "need"... and age.
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There's far less been written about the hypnotic state than about the meditative state (there are some overlaps, but they're different experiences), so I found this article particularly interesting:
https://cosmosmagazine.com/biology/this-is-what-happens-to-your-brain-under-hypnosis/ (https://cosmosmagazine.com/biology/this-is-what-happens-to-your-brain-under-hypnosis/)
Some typically shallow stories focus on which is "better" (of course, everything's a competition and some modality has to WIN! Aaarggggh).
They're different. Hypnosis goes deeper which is better for deeper struggles. Meditation can make you more peaceful, more in touch with your body, and less attached to your wandering thoughts. Hypnosis is like intense concentration using all your mindpower, without being self-conscious. To me.
Both are amazing. Hypnosis was a dramatic discovery for me and saved my life. (And didn't require continuous practice to keep benefitting. I think it must have literally over-written some previous patterns in my brain...but who knows? It also felt spiritual to me in the sense of unexpected encounter with my own connection with life force and powerful yearning to thrive, not just survive.)
I need to do it again.
hugs
Hops
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It's there for you, Hops.
Lighter
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Thanks, Lighter.
And I have to edit myself:
Hypnosis is like intense concentration using all your mindpower, while in the deepest state of relaxation you've ever experienced, without being self-conscious or worrying about anything.
There are also plenty of sources that teach SELF-hypnosis (handy during pandemics!). The only important thing is to be certain you're trusting teachers/guides that are certified hypnotherapists with professional training. It is part art, part intuition, part neuroscience.
hugs
Hops
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Thanks for providing that info, Hops. I enjoyed it very much.
Lighter
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I'm feeling irritable, a rather consistent thing for me.
A) I haven't been sleeping well and I can't get my sleep cycle back on track
B) I'm getting burnt out on online schoolwork
*** There is too much of it
*** I can't get away from it
*** Too much computer time
*** The more I stress the more I want to procrastinate against it
C) I'm lonely
D) I'm kind of stressed for various reasons. What's new?
E) My crazy b**** mother insists on talking down to me like a naughty six year old, it's sick, she is an F-ing sicko
*** Less is more
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Hey, Posh.
Got two things for you.
1) Ashwagandha. Twice a day.
2) An air hug from a heart that hears you.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Irritability can come from stress, boredom, depression, isolation, family stress and so much more. (Pandemic anyone?)
There's nothing weird about you for feeling this way, you only need to take some private notes on a pad until you convince yourself that a plan or an approach or an effort or a search for help or a way of claiming your individual dignity and right to hope for better....are what you're entitled to.
You've dealt with a whole lot of crap and loss and struggle and pain and sadness.
Is there ANY way you can get some one-on-one therapy? I can't describe how surprised I've been by how comfortable Zoom sessions have become. Took a few times to get there but now, I'm deeply comforted and helped by each conversation with her, every week.
hugs
Hops
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I've already seen therapists when I was younger and this is where it's gotten me. Some countries and cultures don't really believe in therapists it's sort of a first world problem for rich people. It would clear me out.
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Clear you out financially, you mean? That sucks.
I hear what you're saying. I guess if therapy has been negative in the past, I'd feel the same way. For me, it's been a different experience every time--because I was at a different place in my life and my understanding of myself and telling it to a different person. So maybe they're not all useless. (I had one bad one, the rest did help.)
But it's a very personal choice.
I hope something creative will sustain you until this damn thing's over.
hugs
Hops
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Hey Boat, POSH (love Posh)--
How are things going now? Anything changing, in either direction?
Miss having your voice pipe up.
If you feel down, grumpy, out of shape, stressed or disoriented....you're normal.
I think I've watched every YouTube I can think of. More animal video hunts.
hugs
Hops
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I'm okay Hops. Overwhelmed with work, isolated, but fine.
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Glad to hear it, friend.
Whew.
hugs
Hops
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Last week of semester and I'm going to bomb/fail some of my classes. The previous semester the grades came back as straight As but this round I am so behind and there is no way so much magic can happen in such a short amount of time. I shouldn't even be here writing this. I'm calm and clipping my fingernails but earlier today I woke up from a nightmare, wasn't feeling well and then when I tried to lay back down I had a total racing heart. It was raining outside so I didn't get out for a walk and now here it is dark again and I'm drinking coffee at night feeling like I'm undecided about what to do with my time this week. I'm overwhelmed, I always have anxiety and depression of varying degrees that come and go. Anything I could say sounds like an excuse. So I'm anticipating there is going to be some major self loathing and then I will quietly walk away from this mess and I will have EFF EWE SEE KAY -ED up the whole scholarship situation because in reality I am not a high functioning human being and I never have been. I don't want sympathy I just want to be able to think about whatever thing is going on that feels out of control. I'm an adult but here I am having a panicked student moment. It's not that I don't care, I really am mentally slow and I feel like I should be able to just acknowledge this. I've not been a high functioning-rat racing-producer. I'm not some academic genius, if I hadn't freaked out and somehow been able to work through stuff I probably would have been fine but I did have moments where I procrastinated and frankly had some legit concentration and focus issues. I feel so anxious I don't want to do anything right now. This is the clincher. I wonder if I am going to be pressured into saying something like that to the scholarship people when they ask me what went wrong. In some ways it is technically protected health information and none of their business if I am anxious or depressed and even if I say those words it's a vague can of worms that nobody can ever respond to. If there is any chance that I can salvage the scholarship situation I guess I better make up some crap that doesn't use those words. I can pretty much anticipate that it won't matter what I say. Some people are saying it's hard to spend so much time online and I would agree, I feel like I've fallen into a mental world that doesn't really exist "online education land" or whatever. Suffice it to say maybe I have emotional problems or intellectual problems, really if I don't feel panic then often I can work through something but I don't know even, perhaps I'm burnt out whatever that even means. This feels like driving a car that is going way to fast and everything is now just one big blur. I can't pick out any one thing to focus on so here I am wanting to just stay here and write so I don't have to make any decisions. All the decisions right now seem like shit decisions. I get discouraged easily and it feels like a physical impediment sometimes, that is so hard to explain to anybody and really I don't want to explain it to any paper pushers that really don't care. I also don't want them trying to "help" me with something they don't understand. The last thing I need is time consuming phony solution to whatever my issues are.
I may just have to end up telling myself well this was bad luck. I feel like all people could do is just pressurize me more. At no point did I reach out to my advisor because he seems so competition oriented and if someone fails I don't think there is much help for it. The work that I submit I end up doing fine on but there is also a lot of work that I simply haven't completed. It almost feels like there isn't much room for learning anything whatever that means right now, there is so much information and I couldn't keep up with it. I'm not sure what to even think or say at the moment. Out of seven classes that I've had so far at this school, only one instructor had a live interactive lecture. Maybe it doesn't matter really but I think I am also suffering from social isolation that is difficult to put into words, it's just a feeling of low enthusiasm and low motivation. Strange I mean I am motivated I am but I don't feel motivated. I am but I am not. How can I say that to anybody and maybe it won't matter. I could potentially just tag on one more semester at the end of my program and try to re-do some classes and cover it with financial aid but I think my GPA will probably be so bad this semester it violates some performance contract I signed.
Maybe it isn't worth the stress. The stress no doubt comes from trying to control an outcome that I can't control. I can't even control myself all the time and it's exhausting to feel so much pressure to do something that just isn't happening. I had a few weeks where I was low and slow and it's screwed me over.
Fear of Failure sounds like some BS psychobabble but I'm wondering if it's really legit and if that is part of what I am experiencing along with my regular anxiety and depression etc. Am I dumb or neurotic or a combo of both to varying degrees. Also at this point I'm not sure if it matters how I measure these things. Fear of Failure sounds like some first world new age contrived problem BUT what is this really. IS there something to it... I wonder.
Frustration> strong emotional reaction> can't focus
Or just can't concentrate and focus> can't make a decision or
Feel overwhelmed and do something else to avoid overwhelm
^ Those scenarios, I'm not sure what they are and how much it is a result of mental health issues versus intellectual ability.
I have a tendency to give up maybe too soon or at the wrong time because I'm not organized in my head. I don't know. Many years ago there was a class that I gave up on even though I was doing well for the most part I just wasn't doing as well as I thought I should be and so I didn't turn in the final project because i felt discouraged or I didn't care or who knows. I do these sorts of things and it feels like it is an emotional problem, not simply making bad decisions as other people might think. What the hell is wrong with me.
Me last week of the semester "um so yeah I think I have phobias" WTF or maybe I'm just a piece of shit lol. All about context and perspective.
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I'm sorry, P. It's been a tough time for everyone; I doubt you're the only student who hasn't managed to get everything done on time. You are definitely not a piece of shit, though.
I don't know how the education system over there works but I'd guess you could email course tutor? faculty head? someone in authority anyway - and say something like, "I've got x pieces of work unfinished. Is there any way of getting a time extension?" And just see what they come back with. If they ask for more info then you can give it but I think most places are probably giving a bit more leeway than usual because of the pandemic stuff. It would be a shame to not finish when you've worked so hard at it. I'll keep my fingers crossed they can give you a bit more time and you can get things completed (even if not to your previous A standard. Will the A's pull lower marks up? Could still be possible to come out with something good even if the more recent stuff isn't great). I will keep my fingers crossed that they can give you a bit more time and you can get something handed in xx
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Boat, I am so very sorry.
I have been there (anxiety disorder plus ADD = deadline meltdowns galore).
I have more thoughts but since I can't linger until later, just one:
Go. Talk to academic dean or student health counselor. Ask if you can take Incompletes and start again. Don't forget they've seen you perform WELL.
Don't feel shame or self loathing; there's nothing to loathe. There's an isolated human who struggled with nonstop Zoom and had zero support system. (They will want to know this.) You won't be the first with a pandemic-isolation mental health crisis. Somebody at the school will both understand it and not judge you.
(Can't tell you how many times I had to go through that sort of thing. I think you can make it through, once you have more information about your options.)
Don't assume the worst until you find out.
Comfort, chamomile, calm, courage....anything that helps--
hugs
Hops
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Hiya Two & Hops,
Yeah ladies, I know we are ALL having PROBLEMS of various sorts right now and forever, everything is more pressurized right now for everybody who had any emotional issue ever.
I've just had to write it out, sorting through words, feelings, thoughts, ideas, and eventually options.
There is a gray area with everything mental health. I may end up reaching out to a virtual therapist at this point.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cE4lpSFNFUE&feature=youtu.be
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Excellent idea, Posh.
Sorry I didn't get back but re-reading, I think those were my best ideas, such as they are.
You deserve a therapist, an advocate, a caring ear with understanding about what makes us tick or tock.
You deserve to be your own friend.
Will be very ready to hear how it goes, blow by blow or however you want to describe it.
Hang in. You are alone but you're also NOT.
hugs
Hops
PS Saw the YouTube too late, did everything he was annoyed about!
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I'm logged in because my computer logs me in but I've forgotten whatever my password is and the email is old I have no access to it anymore. I guess maybe I will need to fix this at some point. I'm so lazy. I really can not manage all my passwords anymore but I do not want to get a password managing app because again technology gone awry. I should probably clean up my technology life too at some point. I've got two school emails, two personal email accounts. Old email accounts that I let go wild and I won't even bother to ever log into them again.
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I'm a bit too pooped to care much for writing but here I am. Often I tell myself that chasing the idea of happiness all the time is nonsense and I sort of accept the idea of depression as a way to cope with it. Instead of trying to fix it, conquer it, fight it, control it whatever, I came to a mental frame of mind that I would accept whatever it is even if it meant I wasn't functioning as great as other people perhaps, who knows. I do feel slow at times. Today I was thinking about how I have put the idea of doing things JUST TO BE HAPPY out of my mind, like I don't have time for it, I don't have energy for it, it's not a priority. OF course sometimes it's hard to define all of this. Still there is kind of a messed up psychology of doing stuff, fixing stuff, problems, all of this taking precedent over being happy, in some ways it does. Not sure if I am articulating anything here. I guess I finally just noticed that sheet I'm not happy at the moment. But also people can become used to being unhappy I think. Even the word happy sort of sucks as it's not well defined I guess.
Well I guess I should also say I'm not chasing the idea of being happy, maybe I'm not even TRYING to be happy ever. It's weird timing in 2020 to talk about being happy. There should be some moments though when maybe people can be happy. I mean I've got problems but is there a good reason for me to be unhappy I don't know.
I'm here randomly to babble I guess. I've lost track of the significance of time. I feel frustrated with time. I dislike the feeling of rat races and I'm not sure who it's good for other than employers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3xa104bGVY
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Practical suggestions:
YES, try to negotiate incompletes with your profs; YES, talk to your advisor; script-wise, say something along the lines of having a moment of being overwhelmed during the semester (without going into details) and simply explain that the getting behind on assignments just snowballed on you. I'm not sure what the terms of your type of scholarship is, but I agree with Hops - they know you CAN perform, so the worst that can happen if you ask them for help w/support resources would be a "sorry, no, we don't do that".
You are not BAD, not necessarily depressed & anxious - beyond your control, because you're struggling with things at the moment. Everyone I know - including me - is struggling with things. It's all relative, dear. That's the problem with labels; they don't describe degrees of a thing - you either are or you aren't.
Everyone in an academic situation, including faculty & staff, have a degree of "fear of failure". Students worry over grades, completing work (you'd be surprised how many incompletes there are every semester even when things are "normal"). Faculty worry over student/dept performances reviews. Staff are also subject to reviews. Seems everyone in that environment is being measured, graded, held up to some ideal standard which is NEVER clearly defiined.
Some of that fear of failure's usefulness, is supposed to be motivation. LOLOLOL. But there are ways it's counterproductive. I know my way; you have yours. It's time to take your lemons, and make some lemonade. And then DRINK it... and enjoy it. It's not going to make you happy all the time (such a thing doesn't exist) but it WILL make you happy and relieved to have dealt with the current situation constructively - obstacle was bigger in your imagination than reality - and clear that obligation and move on with simple joys. Daily doses of this or that, that you enjoy. At least for a little while.
IME, happiness is a state that simply happens to a person. It lasts a moment, a day, a week... it MIGHT be related to something in concrete life; it might be you simply let something go and now the sun is shining and colors bright... but it doesn't HAVE to be. There is no science of happiness. No system that works for everyone. Playing with rocks - heavy as they are - makes me happy. But not everyone enjoys physical work.
My definition of "happy" is usually more like contentedness, relaxed, working in the "flow", or having accomplished something that mattered to me; that I WANT. And I've slowly trained myself to take care of the things I dislike or make me uncomfortable, as soon as possible, as efficiently as possible... so I can go do the things I like or need, to take care of myself.
You're learning, even when you don't think you are. ;) Fret not; this will all be OK and you'll get past it.
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Thanks Skep.
Yes I guess I will tell them I was overwhelmed and isolated and leave it at that. I certainly don't want to use the wrong words.
There should still be boundaries in my life, the grant coordinators don't really have a right to get overly involved with me on a personal level. After all anything I could say to the grant coordinator she replies with comments that indicate she has no idea. Earlier this year I did tell her I was overwhelmed and she just replied "take breaks"
Everything starts to sound like excuses. There is a correlation between anxiety, depression and ability to concentrate. Maybe I'm just tired of feeling like I am being graded for everything which of course I am because that is what they do, it is starting to demotivate me though. It's all probably a cluster of stuff. It's definitely not bringing me any joy whatsoever if this was a Marie Kondo Moment, she would tell me to get it out of my life.
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This could be off base or too difficult to do, but it occurs to me that maybe just saying "overwhelmed" -- although true -- has been popularized and overused to the point that people use it for just being temporarily stressed.
A vivid and bold description of the escalating anxiety and depression AND a clear description of how alone you've been... might have more impact than just saying "I was overwhelmed."
Would be good if a therapist could offer a clear diagnosis you can take to the school.
I don't know what I'm talking about in terms of your particulars or your limits or your preferences. Just flailing about for a bolder (I really mean balder or blunter) approach that could bring relief.
Doesn't mean it would.
hugs
Hops
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Right.
One instructor emailed me and I didn't say a whole lot, I did use the words overwhelmed, socially isolated and anxious. I really don't think I want to get too personal at all. I guess I will see what happens.
I feel a bit uncomfortable with sharing a diagnosis with a school because face it universities have elitist thinking. But I also had that thought too, to figure out something official. A diagnosis was made before by a psychiatrist, I did take anxiety medications so many years ago. So it is somewhere in my very old electronic medical records theoretically.
Even mentioning anxiety and depression is a can of worms. I'm not going to do a deep dive into that right now it would really distract me.
I can't control what the advisors will think, do or say or how the school is really handling this stuff.
I've got the tendency to get fed up and give up on stuff and I know I need to NOT do that right now.
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I've caved in and started using CBD oil, it's got pretty mainstream marketing now. I've stayed away from the whole stoner culture but right now I don't care. Year 2020 might be the year I turn into Beavis and Butthead.
Plus people say CBD even THC isn't for stoners anymore. It is legal here and not needing a prescription IS A bonus. The day I felt like puking due to nerves I decided all this misery is BS.
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Has it helped?
I got some too but have only taken it once...before the election I was in knots.
Was taking other stuff too so am not super sure what effect it had.
Reminds me to try it again.
Thanks,
Hops
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I'll keep my fingers crossed the CBD helps, P, I've found it very useful for my nerves and have been taking it for a couple of years now. It just kind of smooths the edges out for me, no feeling of being stoned! Although I would quite like that, to be honest lol. Hope it helps you feel a bit more settled xx
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It's 350 mg transdermal (topical) CBD, I think No THC.
It might be placebo, but yes I do believe it is helping a little bit. I wasn't expecting this but I also think my asthma is having an improvement, asthma being an chronic inflammation issue. I only starting taking it this week and I'm considering trying a combo of tincture and topical/transdermal if I manage to go back to a dispensary that is willing to due some no contact thing and bring it to the door for me.
In the past I tried Bosweillia for an anit-inflammatory for asthma, it does work but it causes HIGH BLOOD pressure so I really don't recommend that.
Theoretically THC can increase anxiety and it's addictive. CBD I guess is being marketed as non-addictive. I'm no expert.
I just want to achieve a calm, focused, motivated state of mind.
I've been at an anxious, scatter-brained, overwhelmed, pressured frame of mind.
This line of thinking got me to discussing Adderall with a friend, he thinks he has moments of ADD type behavior where he gets very hyper. I certainly don't want to get on prescription for many things. Students actually use Adderall to help them get through testing and so forth, it's messed up. People have to perform but I can't help but wonder if this is the best model for learning/achieving.
Flip side of it though is I'm not currently medicated, even my dang $300.00 asthma medication gets clogged up in the dispenser so anyhow. I'm currently open minded to trying out a variety of CBD products at the dispensaries.
I hear ya two, at this point getting stoned for Christmas sounds like a good way to not spend time with "family" "covid friends" or whatever the alternative.
It's super windy and stormy here in a pretty gray winter sort of way, low clouds zooming by and the trees whipping around.
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On my mother's side of the family, grandmother appeared to have some undiagnosed thing that looked like very hyper behavior, anger, frustration, Narcissism or Bipolar IDK. She was smart and high functioning but terrible parent, alcoholic taking valium. She had three kids, my uncle, mother, aunt. All three have had anxiety disorders/depression. My uncle was officially diagnosed with OCD by a psychiatrist but doesn't take meds for it. He has money for therapy and I think that is what he does. Apparently the meds haven't worked well on him but he has tried it I think. My aunt has money and probably does a lot of therapy, it's not known what meds she has tried or is currently taking. My mother takes citalopram and without it she is a royal blotch, very irritable and impatient. My mother and Aunt both tend to drink a lot. My brother drank a lot, he had anxiety and I'm not sure what else.
Not sure why I am writing this out. Sometimes I forget I am impacted by anxiety and depression because I accept it as normal but my normal isn't other people's normal.
I've been pretty clean my whole life I can't blame anxiety and emotional problems on substance use, the only thing I use consistently is coffee, coffee like crazy, obviously some people say that is bad for anxiety but even when I stop drinking coffee I can have sleepless nights. So anyhow. I'm just writing this out for my own reality check because whatever I deal with is certainly exacerbated.. like everybody else right now, this pandemic stuff and bad news is just nuts.
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It's super windy and stormy here in a pretty gray winter sort of way, low clouds zooming by and the trees whipping around.
Ahhhh. That felt calming to read. Every time you connect to nature and express that, Pseudo, I feel like you're with your medicine. Nature is your friend, you see it and don't ignore it.
Fwiw, a doctor once told me: "When you have anxiety, taking in caffeine is like pouring gasoline on a fire."
Chamomile?
Hug
Hops
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Yeah I do love nature even in the winter time. Of course it's conditional love as long as I am warm! Once I am cold all bets are off.
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Well, it sounds like you're doing OK; figuring things out Mouse. I always wonder how you're doing and if having a group of people you actually TRUSTED and liked would help some. But since I'm such a hermit - and happy that way - it's just a question and not a recommendation. LOL. I find that I enjoy being around people more BECAUSE I spend so much time alone.
As to the CBD, and methods of ingestion. As well as other micro-dose substances, I would recommend a tincture. Also, investigate some of the mushroom tinctures - reishi, lion's mane, etc. A couple droppers a day of CBD might be too much - each person has to use trial & error to find what's comfortable for them. Hol has been using a micro-dose tincture that S makes. And whether it's placebo effect or not - she says it has helped her a LOT with letting go the hamster-wheel thought stuckness and lowering her anxiety. She still THINKS those thoughts; she just doesn't get stuck there while anxiety builds to explosion levels. So it's evened things out a bit for her. Doesn't solve EVERYTHING mind you.
She and I have been sharing a sleep oddity... off & on, for me; more standard for her. We're both waking up every few hours. But I have a tendency to be able roll with these things rather than think it's a problem and needs "fixed". It just is, what it is - and maybe that's OK right now.
I hope ya can find a comfortable groove and enjoy the rest of world taking time off from "normal".... and keep an eye out for those simple joys.