Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Bettyanne on October 24, 2020, 10:20:08 PM
Title: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Bettyanne on October 24, 2020, 10:20:08 PM
I haven't been on here in a while. My husband Bill was sick and dying for the past 3 years with cancer. He sadly died a few weeks ago. I have been married to him for 56 years. He was the love of my life. Today I wonder what will I do without him??? WE were 16 and 17 when we met. We feel in love in a very short time......and married 4 years later. Life sure had its ups and downs........Bill was alcoholic came from such a family.......but he became sober 35 years ago.......He spent his time helpling others recover too. He had alcoholic parents and a brother too. Its what we do with what we get???
Life taught us a lot and we worked at repairing the childhoods we came from.......both mothers were so off......they both new everything and really new nothing. We both ended up in therapy and Bill in AA too. We were by no means perfect, we lived through a lot of shit and learned a lot of how not to be.....
I have just let off a bit....... Thank you friends....... Bettyanne..
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Dr. Richard Grossman on October 24, 2020, 11:40:24 PM
Hi Bettyanne,
I’m so sorry to hear about Bill. Please take care and know that we’re here for you in these difficult times.
As always,
Richard
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Bettyanne on October 24, 2020, 11:46:25 PM
Thank you so so much.........I am so grateful........Thanks, Bettyanne
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Hopalong on October 25, 2020, 04:07:45 AM
Bettyanne,
I am so very sorry. May Bill rest in peace and may you find peace in all your days. Even when we know it's coming, this kind of loss is so hard.
I was glad to learn more about him--he must have been a remarkable man. And he was lucky to be married to you.
Sending you comfort and care.
hugs Hops
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: sKePTiKal on October 25, 2020, 08:32:50 AM
I am so sorry for your loss, m'dear. I know how huge this can feel. (My hubby died 5 years ago.) I'll bet you can tell a lot of stories about your life with him.
Feel free to talk out those memories and your experience as you go through this new life "time". Everyone's journey is uniquely their own. Do you have local, face to face support? Children or church? Friends?
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Twoapenny on October 25, 2020, 01:18:35 PM
Oh, Bettyanne, I'm so sorry. I've often wondered how you and Bill were getting on. I'm so sorry to read this and hope that you are able to come here whenever you need or want to. I'm so glad you and Bill had each other for so long and that you were able to overcome so many things together. I'm sure you've got a lot of lovely memories and much to share with your children. I'm so sorry for your loss xx
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: lighter on October 27, 2020, 01:17:16 AM
I' m sorry you lost your Bill, but glad you were loved and cherished in your life.
It's a special thing to have that.
It will always be yours.
Love isn't a linear thing. It's always with you, (( Bettyanne.))
Lighter
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Hopalong on October 30, 2020, 08:59:23 PM
Thinking of you, (((((BettyAnne))))).
I hope you have much love around you from your children and grandchildren, and that every lovely hour feels like ten.
Hugs and comfort, Hops
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Bettyanne on November 04, 2020, 03:42:41 PM
I forgot to add we have six kids........I didn't do things at times that made sense....I was raised Catholic......so the rules were to be followed (my mother was the Catholic one who went to church all the time and treated my childhood family like shit.....I'm sorry to use that word but it fits) She lived to 100 plus 8 months and was always more interested in herself then anything..... So Bill and I had 4 kids in about 3 years because the religion said no birth control.....well throw that one out the window.......as for sure the church people weren't going to give you a hand neither did my Narc Mother.......but we went on later to 2 more kids.....Life is great how it teaches you in time what you need to learn. Bill taught at Catholic private boys schools......well there goes another lesson. I need to laugh right now because we were so brain washed by these people too. Today I believe in God but not any religions that want to control you.......actually that was my NM who was a control freak too. So my life lesson as I see it......that Bill and I loved each other no matter what......we lived through so much of immature parents......my dad who was immature too but he was nice died at 51 and the bitch a 100.......well thet tells a lot. I am so so grateful that God put Bill in my life and me in his life.......we both helped each other and we saw the truth about both our families.......and it sure was a lesson. I am so grateful for every minute I had with him.........He was so kind and loving to me.......yes the alcoholism was a night mare but we made it through that too....... I am presently at my youngest daughters and she has Cystic Fibrosis and her fiancé left her 3 weeks ago.....another nightmare brewing .......but I will pray and hopefully at 77 years old says some right words to encourage her on her journey. As my NM said to me your not going to blame CF on me....but it is a gene I inherited......stupid woman. That gives you a little bit of what I dealt with her also my only brother was severely retared with Cerebral Palsy.....I am being sarcastic her I probably caused that one ......omg what an idiot she was. She is only dead 8 years now. I am grateful for my wonderful husband and my kids.....and to you all for reading this.......I miss my husband Bill and I have learned to much in our 56 year marriage........lots of lessons.......can I laugh now at some of things sure I can......hahahaha Thank you so much.......Love you all lots......Love, Bettyanne with all my baggage....and life lessons.
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Twoapenny on November 05, 2020, 05:03:25 AM
You must miss him a lot, Betty Anne. I'm glad the two of you were able to work your way through the upbringings and religious influences (I agree, they can be difficult to live under) and raise your lovely family together. I hope the kids are all holding up okay. It's such a shock when someone goes, even when they've been unwell, as Bill was. He was very lucky to have all of you in his life and by his side xx
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Hopalong on November 05, 2020, 11:15:30 AM
It sounds as though the biggest theme in your life with Bill was love and kindness, Bettyanne. That's such a beautiful thing to say at the end of a life. I'm glad you had him and learned together what was real and unreal about your pasts. What a bond! I hope that closeness and love will always lead your memories as you visit them.
One day, I hope you will be able to take back your mind from your Nmother and no longer allow her the space. Once you release her to the universe and find new things to think about, you will release your own peace and contentment. You've already come a long way with that--it sounds as though the edge is grinding off the bitterness. That's real progress!
It's hard to believe in the middle of grief time, but you have happy moments and possibilities for peace and meaning ahead. All options for inner peace are ahead of us all, as long as there is life.
If you like to read, I think you would find Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl very helpful.
Hugs and comfort, Hops
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Bettyanne on November 05, 2020, 09:07:06 PM
Oh Thanks for your replies...... Letting go of my mother is a big one......one I really need to do.......she was not a nice person to me. I think very jealous of me and she didn't like that I had a close relationship with my dad.....who I lost when I was 20. My therapist says she was a N and Borderline combined. As a kid she was the main boss in the house and ruled like a King .......I knew right on my dad had no say in anything nor did any of us. My T says she was never a mother and should have never married or had children.
I guess the big lesson was how do I take back everything she took from me........like Love......caring and just being human?? Well its only 2 months since Bill passed and I miss him so so much. I realize he truly loved me more so than anything I got at home as a kid. That is huge ......I am so grateful.....that Bill was in my path......and at times it wasn't easy the opticals we jump, cross covered etc......WE made mistakes like we all do......expecially coming from selfish families or should I say uneducated families???? well I am sure that's par for the course. But I need to let go of the boss asshole.......yes I said it......she was mean and cruel.....she only thought about herself. Well that was her choice but not mine. I loved my kids and Bill with all I could offer them........I was not perfect but I wasn't mean. I didn't call my kids names that didn't feel good......thank God I could see the light a bit. We all just want a good life not perfect but a kind one......that's what I learned......I hope I never see that bitch woman again. and I will continue to miss Bill.....and I learned a lot too....how not to be...... Thanks again friends for your nice replies......Love, Bettyanne
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: lighter on November 06, 2020, 08:07:48 PM
I don't think you have to take anything back from your mother, Bettyeane.
I think you need to remember how amazing and perfect you always were. It's the truth your mother covered over with her narrative and abuse..... but it's always been the truth.
Once you notice her voice in your head.... Justb become aware of UT, without judgment....you have the choice to banish her voice and remember Bill's.
In the meantime, be so very kind to yourself. Again, drop all judgment, get very curious about your inner world and how you feel in tour body.
Honor that information. Stay mindful....if you're still long enough, what's behind it will show itself to you....and ask to be tended to.
You're ok, Bettyanne. Everything will be ok. Lighter
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Bettyanne on November 07, 2020, 02:57:41 PM
Lighter......I had that asshole in my life for 69 years......and your right......I need to see she is dead and buried at age 100 only 8 years ago. I think she did so much harm to me is the problem??? I surely will try and look at it differently........I appreciate your reply......thank you for saying what you did....... AT age 77 now and alone......without Bill......life has given me a big one to accept. The good news is she is dead......and Bill was so good to me......I realize I was so brainwashed as my T said is the problem with her still being in my head.......I need to do some head clearing haha.......and just keep Bill there...... Thanks so much, Bettyanne
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: sKePTiKal on November 11, 2020, 09:03:45 AM
Yes; she once upon a time did harm Bettyanne. It was very real; and it hurt like hell. You are not permanently damaged as a result of her attempts.
Yes; you and Bill stood strong in your love for each other against the odds. And you still carry that with you. Because it's precious to you.
You do NOT have to carry around the harm your mother did; don't continue to nurse those wounds and remind yourself. Let them heal; let the love you know about heal them; and let them simply become old dry history. You rejected it then - knowing it was wrong. Reject it again NOW, and let yourself become of beacon, a lighthouse, of the love you know is real - for others.
You can do this Bettyane. You've already proved you can.
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Bettyanne on November 12, 2020, 09:00:57 PM
Thanks Skepical...... I appreciate what you said......I think because of the abuse and it lasted for me 69 years is why its hard to let go??? I never had a real brother just a sick one with cerebral palsy and no relatives because the ones we had were almost as bad as she was. I did have two women she worked with I had to call Aunt... strange when I think about it now. If I wasn't doing well at school.....a school I hated all girl private school with nuns......yuck....2 grades in each class room......excuse me here private my ASS....it was about her so she could praise for sending me to such a school. Never was involved with me ever. It was only about her.....yup It was a long time to be abused..... Yes I do wish I could let go of it all.......I really do want to..... I think because Bill knew who she was and treated him poorly as well.......I miss the support I got from him....there is some connection to all of this abuse. I will sure try to get through missing Bill and letting go of the abuse of her. Thank you Friend......Bettyanne
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Hopalong on November 13, 2020, 01:27:28 AM
Hi Bettyanne:
I agree with everything said above, especially this advice about your mother:
Quote
don't continue to nurse those wounds and remind yourself. Let them heal
Sending you the courage to heal.
YES, you can do it! Your negative feelings about her have become so familiar you might be unconsciously afraid to let them go. (Lots of abuse victims re-injure themselves by holding on to what is terrible but familiar.) I think you can let them go, with your therapist's help. At least....TRY to release them. Perhaps there's a personal way you could honor that wish, like writing them down and going outside to burn them or bury them.
You might make up your own healing ritual and give your heart to it. It should help.
Hugs and comfort, Hops
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: sKePTiKal on November 13, 2020, 08:24:30 AM
Couple more thoughts dear...
Everything that is hard, eventually happens when it's really TIME to happen. What Hops said about why some people hang on to things is true; but it doesn't mean that we're unable, or weak, or something. It means we haven't worked it all out yet; haven't made our peace with "what it WAS" and then decide that "what it can be NOW" can be very different. There isn't much better after "letting go" - because the past was what it was; no changing THAT. But what changes is YOU. You say say a final goodbye, hoist your pack, and walk on down a new path that you are free to choose what you take with you.
The other thing I forgot to say - but it was staring me right in the face; and is something I know as well as anyone - is that there are distinctly painful elements of grief all woven into the experience of abuse. What we know to be normal relationship doesn't exist in an abusive relationship - and that's a hurtful betrayal of the natural order of things. Why ME? What was wrong with me? What did I do wrong? When all along - it was the other person's inability to be strong and vulnerable enough to love. It's THEIR weakness - oftentimes because of abuse they suffered.
The fact that you and Bill STOPPED IT in it's tracks and didn't perpetuate it is a tremendous victory and success in your lives. No, no one's "perfect"... but you tried and did well enough that your children don't close you out; you have good relationships with them. You were strong enough to love and overcome your natural instincts to protect yourself with perhaps less-wise or self-destructive strategies. No grand gestures or miracles were needed, it was simply showing up and being open and loving every day that was your success. You made that choice; out of love. You can do it again - for yourself.
So grieving kinda exists "outside time". There is no rhyme or reason or recipe or prescription for what it consists of or how long it takes. My mom is still grieving her mom - over 50 years later - and it's one of the prime reasons my mom went a bit bonkers and became like a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. Something broke in her that wasn't ever fixed. So, I've never really gone full "no contact" with her - because how could a person not have compassion for another who all these years later was still stuck in the same pain? I do however, protect myself... from letting it affect me so deeply that I can't be "who I am" with others.
It makes absolute sense to me, that your mom still figures so strongly in this time of grieving Bill. I think your key to opening the door to your understanding of the whole thing is already in your hand... and now it's just a matter of organizing it all in a way you have that "AHA!" moment and see your way to being free-er from it. It's a puzzle - some take more time than others.
Hang in there dear - and find those little moments of joy in each day, despite all else you think about and feel. They're there and it's OK to cry, wail, rage against the storm... smile and laugh and kiss the babies... unto total exhaustion. You'll rest & recover and start again. It's the way of things; in it's own time.
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Bettyanne on November 13, 2020, 03:41:57 PM
Oh thanks so much for your advice......and kindness. I think I never had that either....One of things in common and believe me I am 84 percent Irish descent when I say this.....both mothers where Irish assholes.....Bill's and mine......I think they came from assholes as well...... I think the younger generations have improved in Ireland......like sex abuse of the priest on young boys. I had that too....I think a while back I wrote about my two sons being abused in the Catholic school by the priest....I won't go into that now but my mother said your not going to to sue the Church......well the boys did and thank God they did....... So you can see no matter the subject my mother was a sicko or what ever you want to call her. My therapist said she never did anything for you it was what she did with me to make her self look good. But putting that all aside right now........let me say what has been going on in San Francisco since I have been here: my daughters fiancé almost died a few nights ago from taking some kind of drug....omg he kind of died right in front of us....stopped breathing ...we call 911 and was able to get help......at first he had a low pulse no breathing and then they were with time able to revive him.....omg I was beside myself and thank God he is alive now and in a rehab as I write this. He went straight to hospital where they kept him in ICU......with oxygen going .....I pray he will heal........another one with alcoholic mother and husband left her with 3 boys and he married someone else and had 5 more kids.....omg what shit is that??? My therapist said my mother should have never married or had any kids....because she was never a mother. She ran away to a office everyday 6 days a week. And left my retareded brother with her crazy old mother. My grandmother if I even want to call her that screamed and yelled all the time. Was a total nut case came from Ireland could never read or write.......hows all crazy. My dad goes along with all of this and never sticks up for himself or me......forget that. My whole childhood and adulthood was a mess. Except for Bill.......yes he came from alcoholic family more Irish shit.....but he had 35 years recovery before he died. I never had anyone and I mean therapist say except now at age 77 to get away from my mother. What was wrong with the therapist I had age 24 after I ended up in mental Hospital ?? no one telling me to get away from these sick people. Life centered around my mothers wishes......which was her doing what she wanted and no being home. I asked a old friend who remembers she didn't know my mother because she was never home......ok and she was afraid of my grandmother so never came into my house. But I am sure am grieving the loss of Bill and can hardly know what to do without him. He was so loving and kind and had a similar mother as mine as well. God surely blessed me with him....and the loss of him is so hard hard hard. He never liked my mother and suffered abuse from her too. But now these two Irish shit heads are dead and so is my wonderful kind loving husband Bill. I will figure out what I need to do with time.......I had one friend say take a year for yourself...PS she knew my mother and said she was the worst too. Your all right in what your saying and I appreciate that.......that helps me a lot and I will let go in time. I know my brain deserves a break .......... I do need to let go of my mother she doesn't even deserved to be call a mother. I call her Betty Lawler......now..... You have all been so kind in your responses.......Thank you so so much.....it really does help me because I know you all understand narcissistic and Borderline which is what my T said Betty Lawler had......so so grateful to all of you.......Love, Bettyanne.
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: sKePTiKal on November 13, 2020, 09:59:39 PM
Oh betyanne... I just want to hold you right now.
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Bettyanne on November 14, 2020, 12:26:03 AM
Thank you Skepical..... God I would love a hug from you......well best I can do is say thank you for your kindness..... (((((((((((((((((((__)))))))))))))))))))) hugs back... Thanks for all you nice replies...... Love, Bettyanne..
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Hopalong on November 14, 2020, 04:09:49 PM
Another Amazon hug coming your way, (((((Bettyanne))))!
I'm so sorry for all the pain.
You deserve to be heard, so keep on spilling.
hugs and comfort, Hops
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Bettyanne on November 15, 2020, 12:11:23 AM
Thanks Hops......and Skeptical, etc etc....dear friends OMG you all are so kind...... Love, Bettyanne
Big hugs to all of you....xoxo
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Bettyanne on November 30, 2020, 03:11:13 PM
I NEED to GO HOME.....
Ive been yelled at here a few times......I'm age 77, I put the TV on and I get yelled at because my daughter doesn't want to hear the noise of it.... I don't know if I should take the chance of Airplane or Train....??? Let me know what you think before I jump off the one of the bridges near by??
Thanks.....Bettyanne
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: sKePTiKal on November 30, 2020, 07:19:00 PM
Eh.... kids. I know it just makes things itch & irritate worse. But in the greater scheme of things, what you need to relax and feel comfortable, in some downtime - if it irritates her, maybe she needs to ask herself why it's so important? It's really not so much to ask, now is it?
Oh, and I think I agree with Hops; trains might be the better choice even though it may take longer. I've gotten sick every single time I've flown - in the pre-Covid days.
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Hopalong on November 30, 2020, 08:08:51 PM
My brain went DIRECTLY to you getting some sort of hearing-assist TV headphones.
(Worked with a bunch of older people who were TV-hearing challenged. What a difference for the family! TV louder than one is comfortable with can be difficult.)
Here's an example (click on Product Overview): https://www.acehardware.com/departments/lighting-and-electrical/home-electronics/audio-accessories/6842520?x429=true&gclid=Cj0KCQiAzZL-BRDnARIsAPCJs702YoSiwgWWOjehD9koV-A5-vduJ1xdouQ5yXtp5ZvqjjQlp8MyM-UaAssvEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds (https://www.acehardware.com/departments/lighting-and-electrical/home-electronics/audio-accessories/6842520?x429=true&gclid=Cj0KCQiAzZL-BRDnARIsAPCJs702YoSiwgWWOjehD9koV-A5-vduJ1xdouQ5yXtp5ZvqjjQlp8MyM-UaAssvEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds)
Hope that helps, Hops
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Bettyanne on March 16, 2021, 08:48:08 PM
Bill or as I called him Billy has passed six months now.......I am at times crying still a lot......I loved him so so much. He saved my life from mostly my mother who never knew how to love anyone other then herself. I have been asking God to help me.......and Billy too.......... at times I feel so lost without him...... Thank you for all your lovely replies....... ......omg its hard to believe......that he has passed. Lots of tears......here Love to you all Bettyanne
PS I was with Billy since I was 16 years.....what a blessing. WE were married 56 years.....I am so grateful for that and our six kids......all grown now.
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: sKePTiKal on March 17, 2021, 08:55:42 AM
Hugs, BettyAnne.
These waves will keep coming up - something will remind you of a past moment; or it's a special date. And over time, the love that is under the sense of loss doesn't diminish, but you'll gradually start claiming your own life in the now. I wonder what that might look like?
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Hopalong on March 17, 2021, 11:21:00 AM
I'm so sorry you're missing your Billy, ((((((Bettyanne))))). So much loss to bear.
I bet he's smiling down at you, saying it's okay, love, it'll get better.
Sending peace and hugs, Hops
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: lighter on March 17, 2021, 01:37:28 PM
(((Bettyanne))) It's ok to cry and wail and moan when you miss Billy. Those emotions need to come out and you deserve to express and have them. It's ok...every emotion you have belongs. Welcome it. Tend to it. Give it a home in your heart as a part of you. Billy is always with you. Honor your amazing marriage in the ways you need to. Ask yourself what those ways are. Listen to your intuition and embrace what comes up.
As Hops said, there will be waves of emotion. You might lean in with curiosity, rather than judging good from bad days.
It's ok to feel whatever you feel. Be super kind to yourself, and every emotion rolling through you, please. Like you're tending young children. Giving them attention....being curious about them
Take care of yourself, Bettyanne. I'm so glad to see you posting.
Lighter
Title: Re: Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th
Post by: Hopalong on March 22, 2021, 10:26:01 PM