Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: sKePTiKal on January 01, 2021, 11:18:58 AM
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The energies that hung like a low noxious fog cloud over 2020 (Hotel California, seems like that year's theme song) carries through the flip in the calendar year, but there are some new energies filtering in... change will begin to make itself felt and known.
Change is much easier to adapt to, when one recognizes that holding onto the past (as opposed to letting it go, even in memory) is actually a denial of the new circumstances of reality. That holds true internally, with ourselves, too. One's basic characteristics will find new ways to express themselves, if we allow - give permission - to that new expression. And we're always changing.
The same is true of people; much better to let everyone else show you who they are, rather than hanging onto a past idea of them, that one forms early on in the getting to know you phase. Even the people we've known for a long time - become different through living their lives - and it's possiblle that our perception changes too - so that there is a dynamic energy at work; and organic mutual energy exchange that keeps things in motion.
B's metal shop project got off the ground and on the schedule yesterday. It'll be a couple weeks before we actually start tackling that and there are a couple little things I need to do, prior. Hut garage will be closed in within a week. Today's cold - even to the point of being icy - dreck falling from the monotonous gray sky notwithstanding, outside work can commence around here this month - in prep for spring. None of it is difficult or physically heavy work, but it does need constant tending.
I could've spent time cleaning the house, but I didn't. I might make a "first layer" pass today - don't know yet. Been letting myself window shop new decorating ideas, thinking about updating my personal look (no decisions there yet)... and letting my head just calm down, relax, imagine & explore - my space. Hol hasn't been very active right now either; kinda on the same wavelength. She's getting more comfortable with "chop wood, carry water" and not venturing out of her space to rescue anyone. She's instead, cooking & baking. Refining her skills. Studio work/space is next; I made a first pass out there, too. I have the bug for some more practical space usage - for production.
B & I worked past/thru my meltdown about him not being able to give me an ETA yet. Truth is - I need to do some more stuff here, to make that move practical - TOO. And get a couple of old habitual thought/emotional patterns reined in, too. Conditional thinking is still plaguing me somewhat. And I KNOW it's a trap; LOL. Overall we're in a good place; solid; open & honest; still caring and a tuned-in connection that defies description.
Farm activities are going to shift into a new gear too - depending on some decisions (not just consideration of options) among the younger folk here. I can manage a good bit on my own, but I definitely need help with some things - even though my energy levels are better and physical stamina is coming back. None of that is terribly interesting work - but it might generate some good pics - and some good stories as I start expanding Hol's skillset in that direction too. She got gardening tools for Christmas. :D
I think it's trying to snow now; but it's mixed in with pouring rain.
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I'm interested in "conditional thinking", Amber, when you feel like talking more about it. (Sounds like a lesson I'd like to learn too.)
Meanwhile, you sound great. Workworkwork, puts me to shame, but also inspires. You're setting the stage for a next chapter at your end, just as Buck is doing at his.
Bravoooos!
Sounds like 2021 will be much happier for both of you, as all these things come into being.
hugs
Hops
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Holding on to the past, Amber...
Like holding on to a rope sliding through our hands. It's going, but the matter of rope burns remains tbd.
It's raining cats and dogs as dd20 drives us home from the farm in her lovely crv. She's nervous and wide eyed by the big puddle noise and impact. Whooooo, bad deep puddles. Gotta go!
Peace!
Lighter
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I have done this conditional thinking thing to myself more than once Hops; I know I can't help the tendency - given the circumstances I learned it under. That said - just like I watch my wonky ankle, I can watch out for this too.
It has variations on a theme, and some are sneaky, but in a nutshell it comes to the idea that I must be miserable with lonliness and longing, and unable to make a move re: a, b or c - because B isn't here. The condition being, that unless B is actually here - I am unable to function, beyond the perfunctory; I'm not in a relationship (!!) because he's not here; my life exists in limbo until the knight in shining armor rides in to make the sun shine again.
And once I recognize the notes of this theme starting to play out in the monkey mind... you can just imagine how irate and scathing I become to myself. They are the different movements of the symphony as the drama is just abhorrent to me (even tho I am creating it for myself)... and I work my way through to the simple fact that the premise of the original "condition" - me being utterly without autonomy, agency, or competence sans ANY man in my life - is so wholly UNTRUE and libelous as to be worthy of pistols at dawn. (Guess what I've been watching - LOLOL.)
Me??! A shrinking violet with a bad case o' the vapors? IN WHOSE FANTASY? Coz it ain't mine. But such is the power of those kinds of neural paths; habits of thought. And despite the years of evidence - some of it quite physically concrete, thank you - I still have to deal with this particular crisis of confidence from time to time.
This idiosyncrasy of neural path is very old; I have dealt with it a lot. I recognize the pattern; call it out when I see others doing it. Despise that I find myself doing it again. It's much easier to deal with now, for me. Because I don't need my happiness or efficacy in my life to be contingent on the condition of physical proximity to anyone; physical proximity is NOT required to have a relationship with someone. In a covert way, it's an attempt to shift responsibility - and therefore blame. And assume the role of victim.
I will. not. do. that. now.
I did indeed express my feelings to B - with all the grace & tact of a 3 yr old having a tantrum. And while I'm sure he "saw" a bit more into my usual reserved persona because of it, it rolled off his back like rain. It's still my job to dismantle & disrupt the conditional track of neural expectations in my head; not his. What he does - or doesn't do; where he is in closing his previous life; none of that impacts or restricts what I am capable of doing. And it doesn't change how I feel about him - that no matter how long this takes, he's worth waiting for - and that is BECAUSE the relationship exists outside of all those conditions, criteria - "this is what must be happening for a relationship to be a relationship" thinking. I am not going to curl up & die if my little girl romantic story doesn't follow a particular script or if my "demands" aren't promptly met.
I am not suffering, bearing a burden, sacrificing anything regardless of what my ego tells me I should be feeling. It's still my job to make sure my life is what I want it to be, and holding down my responsibilities and rallying my troops. No one else can stand in my shoes or make it easier. And it's been proven that I'm happiest when I'm in the flow of doing.
So putting a "condition" on my happiness is the height of self-sabotage.
Fortunately I can say, I recognized what road I was on pretty quickly and backtracked posthaste. LOL. One hates to be prey for the vagaries on one's own mind & past neural pathways, after all. It was still a close call.
Anyway, letting go the Victorian literary schtick...
in order for me to choose to more true to my self - I have had to work to let go those things I adopted to fit into dysfuctional situations/relationships, etc etc "old stuff" - I've had to purge it, as best I can - to make the space for stuff to be intentionally adopted and put to use. Every once in awhile, I run across something I forgot I saved during one of the purges... and it brings a shock of memories of the past. They exist in my own brain, emotions, and personality, too. Fresh coat of paint is just lipstick on a pig but I have tried that, looking for an easier way thru. Just foolin' myself. It either goes or I own it.
;)
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Wow.
I am too close to conking out to write a coherent reply tonight, Amber, but that gave me SO much to mull over. Thank you for writing all that; I appreciate it and relate to many bits of it.
For me, selfishly, the most important part is that it inspires me to deal. Just...to deal.
And: Bridgerton.
hugs
Hops
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LOLOL YES - Bridgerton! At first I thought it was a tad contrived; but I obviously identified with the difficulties of Hastings. And poor Eloise; oh I so connected with her. I was that awkward girl, for sure. Another good one is on Amazon Prime - Wild Mountain Thyme. It's $20 to rent, but was worth it. It's even funny for anyone who's ever struggled in a relationship. It's a laugh/cry at the same time movie.
Take your time Hops; I am not entirely sure I explained that as well as I could. I think we all have some degree of conditional thinking, as a natural part of life. Whether it's "I will be an adult when I graduate HS and turn 18 - so my life can run by my rules and I'll live happily ever after"... or I'll find my bestest friend and marry him and live happily ever after... or make a billion dollars... or become an astro-physicist rocket surgeon... whatever. And most people understand - but just take for granted - that this kind of conditional thinking has some basis in fact; but it's not the end all be all of living our best life. Some days - it's as simple as I'll accompish this ONE thing, and then I can simply relax and enjoy myself.
Where it goes funky for me, is when I fall back into the habit of making myself "less than" - in whatever ways - in order to obtain being protected, loved, SEEN and HEARD. Sometimes my motivation is to not trigger another's ego/insecurities. The protecting other's feelings crap. At my expense. Sometimes it's the damsel in distress syndrome. Expecting to be rescued by the chosen knight in shining armor. And it all falls into that broad category of co-dependence and enmeshment crap. It also falls into a communication dysfunction.
As if I must resort to this kind of subterfuge, complex game playing, to just say: hey, I believe I want THIS. Whatever this is at the moment. It's the conditional thinking that gets me into that awkwardness. "This" becomes (in my wobbly mind) so necessary for my well-being and ease of being... that I will do whatever it takes, at whatever cost to myself (throwing myself under the bus yet again)... to achieve or obtain it. And this whole process; premise; is just total bullshit - entirely, whollly untrue. And it's all wrapped in ego - mine, others, and how much efficacy I'm feeling at the moment (not how much I can muster and manifest, btw... just what I feel at that very moment.)
The neural pathway/process is initiated by that one moment of feeling useless; helpless. Then, we're off to the races. LOLOLOLOL. I think, too - the next step involves giving away my personal power; or believing that others have more intrinsic power over my feelings (conditional term) than I do.
It's a spider web of interconnections between all kinds of dysfunctional "symptoms"; the network nodes - if that image helps. So what I'm lumping under the (not so accurate) term "conditional thinking" is really unhealthy conditional thinking; it's like people pleasing for a specific outcome - or in it's worst form, manipulation & bribery. The healthy version is how people actually reach their goals - if I study hard & get good grades, I'll be able to get a good job. It's motivation.
Am I making any sense? I know what I'm talking about; and I know it's a real thing I do. I wouldn't expect everyone to resonate with the whole unholy process... but parts of it might ping before throwing light on one's unique situation.
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It resonates with me, Amber.
Lighter
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This is what hit me hardest and clearest in your first post, Amber.
Firstly, the direct frontal confrontation you made with dependency thinking...that you can't/couldn't/won't be all right unless the love relationship works out. [Note to self the size of an encyclopedia.]
Nextly, this:
It's still my job to make sure my life is what I want it to be, and holding down my responsibilities and rallying my troops. No one else can stand in my shoes or make it easier. And it's been proven that I'm happiest when I'm in the flow of doing.
I believe it all and felt roused and motivated in the moment of reading it. Except for the last sentence, because that's where my struggle is. Doing. Or more accurately, not doing. The paralysis. The fear. The escape into endless distractions. In my case, the way the feeling of "no family, none" can enter like a freezing syringe into the heart, and stop all motion in my life.
Your followup post makes great sense to me too. Especially:
Some days - it's as simple as I'll accompish this ONE thing, and then I can simply relax and enjoy myself.
That's the baby step where I need to work. Not big overarching projects but just...any day where I feel well, I want to begin feeling accomplishment, small or large. (Lately it's been kitchen and some improvement/practice cooking.) Small things domestic would mean a great deal to my sense of dignity and hope. Big things, like a well-chosen and realistically-happy relationship, are the Big One. Might happen or might not, but I still have a relationship with myself.
I hate to think of you being scathingly cruel to yourself. It's not who you are or what you deserve.
hugs
Hops
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I feel peace and ease when I picture every one of us extending unfailing self compassion to ourselves....and forgiveness when we falter.
Lighter
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Hops, I was also paralyzed at various times in my life. Yep; the whirlwind of doing has had her struggles with this too. Mine was more related to perfectionism one time; another - and occasionally still, it has to do with "I don't matter". In fact, this whole ball of process/maladapted thought has a mainline into that I don't matter belief.
Sigh. Yes, it's true that one time I seriously didn't matter to those I had no choice but to depend on. And it grew to be a thought-pattern - despite there was always part of me vigorously rebelling against that. And when I'm having one of those down moments - whether I'm just exhausted, or really hungry or letting my self-care slide or things seem to be awful & out of my control - the thought pattern sneaks up on me and tries to establish that foothold again.
My way out of that - once I realize that's whats happening again - is to just pick that one thing to accomplish that day and then make sure I pat myself on the back, or otherwise acknowledge my accomplishment. Sometimes, it takes less than 15 minutes - and I wonder what all my fuss was about - and that motivates to try some more things. Sometimes I push that one thing too far - and screw it up. Then I have to intentionally let myself slide on it - while also admitting, I should've quit when I was ahead and before I got tired, or frantic or stubborn about enforcing my will further than I was actually capable. Gotta know your own limits.
The things on that "one a day" list, are all things that matter to no one but ME. That's how I validate that I matter to me, regardless of the rest of the world. And it helps me gain some traction for re-centering myself in that space, where I matter to me, the stuff I want/need matters to me - and I feel strong enough in myself again to brutally honestly talk to myself about letting myself fall back into the old ways, that unhindered or unchallenged create life patterns. Yes, I am cruelly ruthless about that. Because it was my choice to work to overcome it initially and whatever in life knocked me back there - it is still MY choice to not stay there. I don't get away with trying to make something so big & powerful I have no choice, no agency, no ability to "matter".
There is also compassion and forgiveness, not just the ruthless honesty - "ands" ya know - because I don't accept any excuses for not getting back up and trying again from myself. Nothing permanently debilitating or bad happens if I falter or make a mistake. I can feel as small and insignificant as a worm - but I can ALSO still do x, y or z. Even if it's not my best effort - I'm trying. And that's what matters. It's a statement, expression, that I matter - to ME.
In an odd way, I've almost had to design & cultivate enough of a healthy ego - and navigate through the places where that could slide into N - to be able to build up enough self-confidence that even when things are darkest or most painful (even when that's just monkey mind nasty innuendo) I still matter to me; I am still able to find a way through it all to another centered place. It's just what life IS, I'm coming to believe. No "happily ever after" in a place where everything is perfect and nothing bad ever happens. Though I have those moments of awareness - and the response of gratitude.
If life didn't have it's ups and downs, I'd be trying to find ways to escape terminal ennui. Even the rocks in a stream can roll downstream, if there's been enough rain. It's still a rock; just in a different place.
And what the hell are we talking about again?? The ramble has taken the reins!! Back to focus on something, since I did my one thing today. LOLOLOLOLOLOL.
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Annnnnddd... zero to 90 mph in a split second. I knew after such a long stretch of "nothing much going on" it would all start to happen at once. It helps that I can be happy or content in each place, I guess. It's the in-between where I get impatient or frustrated.
Might be a bit before I have calm head space again, to come back to this conditional thinking topic. Maybe by then, I'll have it distilled down to be more coherent. ;)
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To me that was absolutely coherent, Amber, and extremely helpful and insightful.
I could ponder your description of the inner and outer Getting Things Done way of being for a long time.
I will re-read and benefit more than once.
Thank you so much, friend.
No matter how efficiently or inefficiently I apply what you're talking about, I have new clarity about the whole ball o' yarn.
It's not true "there is no try."
(I relate to the perfectionism precaution too.)
hugs
Hops
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I hope the zero to 90mph stuff is good things, Skep, even if it has all ramped up really quickly! I'm glad you matter to you and that you notice when that slips, and know what to do to pull it back up again. You matter very much to all of us, too (and many in the real world, I'm sure!). And yes, you're right - without the ebb and flow, life would be very dull. It's painful stuff at times, but it does make us appreciate those other times when things are lovely and all is going well (do we get those times?! Lol, they're in there somewhere). I like the idea of being a rock in a stream :) xx
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It's good stuff Tupp; progress. Buck's metal shop build will start sometime next week. Hol's garage is about ready for doors & windows (not here yet anyway). Transferring title on Helga next week - to become the farm use vehicle. It's tax season again. And I promised to try to create a budget for the shop. I think I have a plan that'll be flexible. Numbers come a bit later.
Spring stuff arriving - grow light system; seeds; pro soil. I'll have to start seeds in the garage - Stinker is an adolescent tomcat now and is earning his name every day. Last night he crawled from the catwalk, across a narrow (couple inches) slanted ledge across the front of fireplace - right above Buck's red deer antlers - to the top of the entertainment center - which holds a lot of fragile keepsakes. I got him down without incident but in retribution he woke me up at 4 am. Knocked my glasses to the floor and then moved to the dresser and did the same with scissors I left out to cut tags off some new "dainty unmentionables".
I need to move my garden implements from their winter storage area, since that's where the metal shop goes and I need to start plowing and picking out rocks again. The ground isn't frozen right now; and if there is another hard freeze, that'll help push the rocks to the surface. I have plans for a small orchard too.
Hol & Steve put in a pond at the hut - and it's already full. They need to build shelters and fence around the pond, then they'll move the birds down there. That'll let me seriously research the Dexter cow breed for my field; maybe. I've talked about stocking fish; and Hol would like a swimming pond. Bobcat's been getting a workout down there and Steve is becoming the heavy equip operator. He's still learning but I've watched him; he's pretty good. Hol is still decorating & purging; rearranging furniture. Still has stuff to move too. She is still learning about greenhouses and picking one out - that's their Christmas present. They want to grow year-round.
Their employment picture still isn't looking up. So I'm researching what is required to become officially a "farm". It's a different property tax designation; I know we need to have at least $1000/yr in sales to qualify... but there are more ins & outs I need to look at. The cow breed is a heritage one; and is both a milk/meat breed. Perfect for small farms because they're not as large as the standard breeds. Scottish Higlands would be the other I'd look at. But animals - oy vey - they are a big commitment!! I'm not sure I'm really willing to undertake that. But we do love milk, butter & cheese around here. Once we're a "farm" for real - then I can add the kids to the payroll.
Still lots of purging going on in my stuff - as well as accumulating more tools to be able to feed ourselves, working smart not harder. I'm doing more planning on the medicinal herb side of things too. With the state of healthcare these days - having established gardens of important medicinals is part of the overall plan.
I have my hands full if I hope to move things along from the infrastructure phase - to production here. Along with all the paperwork, protocols, etc. We don't even need a list anymore since things are really coming together now. So whatever is going on out in the world - and exactly what that is is highly debatable and opinions seem to be lining up directly opposite without anyone actually HEARING what's important to the other half - whatever is going on out there... as long as it has no direct impact on my work/plans... then:
It's just noise and empty promises. Nothing is actually happening to benefit anyone except those in government. Both parties are equally responsible, IMO. Being Apolitical is still a real choice (for now); it has it's bright side too.
Media needs to respect it's boundaries and only report what happens; not try to make me think x, y, or z about it - and DEFINITELY not push the message that I'm a failure as a human being because I refuse to play the "ain't it awful" or "outrage" game and turn the definition of words on their heads... and blame people who aren't afforded the respect to tell their side of the story; aren't believed when they do tell it; and the only reason the Media cares - is because it makes them money.
I may not be able to escape the fact I live in this world - with all that other crap in it - but I sure don't have to OF that world. I know other ways to be and live and it's my choice to do so. I'm not trying to persuade anyone else it's right for them. Too many people think they have a "right" to tell other people what to believe and how to live. If they just minded their own business and gardens - people could get along much better.
IMHO.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bV-M32RkyBg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bV-M32RkyBg)
I love this guy!
hugs
Hops
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Nothing much to share - lots of little mundane chores and lots of sleep; struggles still with figuring out "taking care o' business" stuff with local situation here.
Now is a good time to buy seeds - if you can find 'em. There are a lot of places still/just now reporting they're sold out. I can't plant out until May; March for some things like snow peas. But there's still plenty of stuff to do. Keeping my eyes peeled for canning jar flats - they are still showing non-existent or backordered everywhere I looked. I have jars and a supply of reusable flats (Tattlers). Need to get Hol a couple of canners; faster processing and twice as much put up.
Slowly but surely transitioning wardrobe & "style" to something more suited to my life here on the farm. Saved that for last this time. Still purging; making room & changes for Buck... and still no firm eta from him. I do a few things a day and then read, research ideas/questions about things going on out here, read myself to sleep.
ETA: I forgot; I did make one change with B. I did insist we needed to actually talk at least once a week - not just messages. And it's been more than once a week since. Which is good. He's been working his butt off and moving things along as fast as he can. It's something I need; otherwise I feel like I'm guessing what's going on with him too much. This feels more connected for me. ;)
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Amber, sometimes I wish you were a reality show!
I would love to watch your life (the parts you'd want to share), because so many of my interests (sustainability, independence, back-to-land and off-grid and all that) line up. I've spent hours watching series about intensely independent people living and surviving in dire climates. So it's just fun to read your accounts of what you're doing and planning. Although the volume of your plans is overwhelming to this speciliast in doing waaaaaaaaaay less than floaty thinking.
Meanwhile, after I googled Tattlers, couldn't resist:
https://www.amazon.com/Tattler-Canning-Regular-Mouth-Boxed/dp/B08NMYR1HX/ref=asc_df_B08NMYR1HX/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=475819885347&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=9456845189831691859&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9008335&hvtargid=pla-1123619574611&p (https://www.amazon.com/Tattler-Canning-Regular-Mouth-Boxed/dp/B08NMYR1HX/ref=asc_df_B08NMYR1HX/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=475819885347&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=9456845189831691859&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9008335&hvtargid=pla-1123619574611&p)
I'm glad you and B will talk at least weekly. That is much more connected, no amount of texting can match the present voice. I'd figured surely you were already, but people have different appetites for different kinds of communication. Holding big hopes for you that the delays eventually just get worked through.
It's heartening to read about your work and your progress.
hugs
Hops
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It's important to note - and remind myself :D - that none of this would be possible or bearable if I hadn't achieved the (probably dubious) ability to be completely FINE - emotionally, cognitively, and work-wise - all on my own. Back when I envisioned actually living here, shortly after being widowed, I believed enough in my abilities to try it out.
Found out, sometimes I really need physical strength that I just don't have - even though TRYING to have it, has increased what I can do. Sometimes I can work smarter - via powered equipment and that helps. But even with all the stuff I have to till the garden, I still need the broadfork and bending over, picking up, & tossing rocks into a cart that gets dumped on the nearby rock piles. Steps up to living, working & playing places - and the hike between buildings - all contribute to me getting stronger again.
Bodies have this elastic ability to regain some measure of what we once were, but it takes work and time and even rest, to make it so. The other direction however happens really really fast. Hol has started to notice it in herself.
The emotional & cognitive side of things are amenable to about the same process - most of the time. Yeah, I still have low level anxiety any time I have to deal with gov't bureaucracy and the absurd process changes that have occurred over my lifetime... but it no longer results in the angry hostility & frustration and feeling like to the people involved I'm just a number; not a real person. Official mail just about spikes an anxiety attack - but doesn't anymore. Defensiveness rises up.... but I've learned to take my time making sure I understand clearly what the situation is, and then figure out what needs to happen - and then work constructively to that end.
That's gonna get tested pretty soon, as I return to the financial side of the business again. The company has never had nor needed a budget; we operate pretty much on a cash basis, funded by plentiful sales. There was always surplus. But now we have to have some idea of balancing how much we spend on certain things, a better understanding of where our sales are really coming from and some better web marketing. I gather data, assess it, create a plan - and then consult my intuition (that small voice that keeps us safe) - about whether this risk has been calculated, well enough. At that point, I can stop and do more research/planning or let it fly.
Once I do the business budget, I need to go over my personal finances again. Yeah - people with my adjusted gross income can be super-frugal too. This is how I can do all the things I do. I decided a very very long time ago that security mattered. My definition of that has changed over time - and right now, self-sufficiency is the general idea. Over the 4 years I've been here - I've slowly let go all the "country club wardrobe" that was taking up space I needed for base layers, sweatshirts, jean, & overalls. My "go to town" wardrobe is much simpler & casual.
EVERYTHING around and about me, adapts to the choices I've made about what's important to me. And that's why I'm less troubled about whether or how much I matter to anyone else. Does that make any kind of sense?
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none of this would be possible or bearable if I hadn't achieved the (probably dubious) ability to be completely FINE - emotionally, cognitively, and work-wise - all on my own. Back when I envisioned actually living here, shortly after being widowed, I believed enough in my abilities to try it out.
I don't have many words tonight...but I'm connecting the believing to the trying.
Again, thank you. I really am taking it in.
Thanks, Amber.
hugs
Hops
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Hopsie - I believed it because I had lived this kind of life several times previously. The only thing that was different, was starting out alone. And even when this was only 10 acres, that seemed a daunting proposition. So I found solutions to difficulty & making projects easier/faster. Unlike a lot of design types who superimpose "what they envision" on the landscape - destroying it without taking into consideration the effects of their changes - I spent the first two years just looking at, sensing it through the seasons, experiencing it and LISTENING to what it wanted to be.
Learning where the water runs; where the springs are; what useful "weeds" grew here - and what those weeds told me about soil composition... which I then researched in depth. I had to overcome the first imprinted image of "beautiful farms" in my brain. The two-story house, bank barn, white board fences.... and super-tidy, lush green fields and yards and pastures etc. That is simply not possible here because the topography is too steep; soil extremely rocky - topsoil preciously thin. Pretty much like my first homestead was.
S has taken my approach a lot further - because he is trekking paths through the property and discovering lots of things in places I can't drive the ranger to - and I'm not getting up off my butt to try to climb and sprain an ankle again or worse. At least, until Buck goes with me.
Each place on the earth is different and requires a different way of living with it. It's a connection - and when a human can be sympatico with that spot - the connection gives back significantly. The previous (in the last 50 years) owners of this property didn't have that mindset or approach and I've had to spend a big chunk of time undoing the "resort" or "vacation home" aspects that become impediments/detriments or even blights on my purpose for the place.
I am just getting started after getting my house closer to being updated/more snug - still much to do, but priorities are constantly changing around here. Adding people with their ideas hasn't been THAT problematic; I still have issues with the basic habits of the supposed "green man" here - but it's Hol's job to police that not mine. Buck and I got trained early in the same habits so that's a LOT easier. But the ratio of people to land that will support them here - isn't anywhere close to where it is in the Piedmont or Valley or Tidewater. So I have to keep paying attention to that. Right now, almost all of us are happy being hermits - Hol is making the transition pretty well this time too.
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Wonderful, and I get it.
It's wonderful to get to know land and to accept what it is and go from there.
I am both fortunate and unfortunate to have a large double lot out back where so so so much could be done. I've read about permaculture and edible landscapes and organic everything for so many many years. And now here I am at that stage when I have the time, and I don't have the body. It frustrates.
But vicarious mountainside living is fun! I lived nearly an hour from Hazard KY at one point, tiny house on a very steep mountainside...folks literally coming across rope bridges from deep hollers. Had to buy my first 4WD vehicle because as winter came, I was told I wouldn't be able to get out. Wound up with a Scout that had Polaroids of dead deer in the glove box -- somebody's hunting vehicle. But it did get me home.
Oh those days. I miss the capabilities and the adventure.
hugs
Hops
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Right before Hol was born - I had a scout too. Had to have been '77; used. It was still Oil embargo days out in the midwest, and since the scout only got 8 mpg it didn't last long. But I loved that big ole International V8. Oh yes I did!!
We're not quite rope-bridge steep here; or that far off the beaten trail. So kind of the best of both worlds - IF I was a shopaholic, or required in-person social activity. Heck, I haven't even been to my closest town, this side of the mountain, this week. Rip Van Winkle-ism is settling in big time for me. Even though the days are visibly getting a little longer; even though I'm gearing up for spring; and if I'd permit myself - I could be getting excited about Buck getting here. But since he's not offering any ETA, and his D won't be able to live off campus until after this semester - I know it'll be June before he can get here again. It will be the 3rd June trip. And it MIGHT be the last one; don't know yet. I'm working pretty hard on stopping/adjusting my emotionally greedy expectations and reinforcing the feeling of being strong enough in my can-do Rosie the Riveter mentality to accomplish a lot of stuff BEFORE he gets here.
I still maintain the "relationship" hasn't really started yet, simply due to the geograhpic distance. What we have works to lay foundations for that relationship; and it DOES feel good to know he's there for me, even if he's not HERE for me; but until we have a shared energy - which requires being together - neither of really knows, beyond the week-long experiences, what that's like.
I didn't even talk to Hol, beyond the usual "in passing" stuff until Friday this week. I am keeping busy - lots of little things that only matter to me type projects. Hol is doing the same, dialing in and refining her storage/functionality too. Things are taking a long long time to order - her garage doors are 8 week out; windows won't be in until March. And they can't side it until the windows are in.
Oh... and this came up last night in my youtube rotation... and the doom atmosphere and absurdity of all these guitars playing Back's Toccata & Fugue in Dminor just hit the spot for me. Enjoy! I haven't listened to Bach in quite a while - this is my favorite piece; think I played the piano version once upon a time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqgQ7IYhvRg&feature=emb_logo
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I'm always in awe, Skep, you do so much and have so much going on - emotionally and mentally as well as practically. I'll be glad when Buck gives you a definite date - waiting is hard to do. Hopefully the weather will pick up as the days get longer again; I think longer days and more sunshine make everything seem a little bit easier xx
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LOVED that Bach, Amber. Thanks for the link.
Debbil's advocate question. Do you think there's possibly some enmeshment with his D that means B might delay and delay his move, using her entering college, then being halfway through, then just after she gets her first job, kinda thing?
I hope not, for both your sakes. Then again, it was when I moved (after my D went off to school) that things between us began to decline. She wanted me to maintain our previous 4-year home in the city she enjoyed visiting and did not want me to return to my hometown (and hers) to care for/live with her grandmother. She resented it and never really let it go. (I don't think she ever grasped how much I needed to get out of the city and return to a lovely town with mountains I felt bonded to.) I felt as though I was to maintain a shrine to her high school years but it was the wrong place for me to live. But now, I feel guilty still. She wasn't attached to my Nmother and had been through a lot of upheaval. Enough.
I hope B isn't in that quicksand, where basically, given his own dreams of sharing life/home with you, he's damed if he does (IF, and I don't know this, his D resents the idea of him "moving on") and damned if he doesn't (your patience could run out for maintaining the dream of sharing your home/future).
Aarrgggh. These things are hard but I'm mostly with Hax, who believes it's not only okay but right for adults to claim their right to human happiness, despite and along with their devotion to almost-adult children. I just think we've never really understood in our recent culture how LATE adult children in this generation mature.
Thirty is the new 15, kind of thing.
hugs
Hops
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Well, that would be a resounding no, Hops. He DOES deal with the promises he's made in the past; and his own sense of obligation. But, I know for a fact - it's SOP at most colleges - that freshmen can't live off campus till after the first semester or first year. This kinda covers the liability issues of age disparity of freshmen who can be just 17 that first year - or even younger now. (More straightforward would be change the rule to be age defined.)
You don't want to get me started on how our society confines young adults to immaturity and dependency for a decade longer than necessary. (I was of the opinion back when 21 was "adulthood" that that was too long too.) Hol was emancipated (yeah; it's a legal term - are children property or slaves??) at 15 or 16 or so; whenever she was driving. The age does vary state to state some. Or did. She's been functionally mature & responsible (after the usual trial & error) by 18 or 20. She's still working on the emotional - but then, so am I. LOLOLOL. My ideas about child rearing still shock and horrify people who use helicoptering to assuage their own guilt over emotional unavailability (trying to keep up with the jones' types) or being so self-centered; absorbed - that they used the electronic babysitting method and never even acknowledged that the child they created IS A PERSON TOO. Much less interact with them, one on one. Children were a possession or object for them.
Parenting as intellectual, emotional, and functional "education" -- and connection -- simply has been transformed into dysfunctionality... and the surrender of responsibility for raising a "person".
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I hear you, Amber.
And bravo, on that philosophy.
I desperately regret that I was an anxious parent; I know it didn't help her.
I was worried for years before I understood what was happening to her. And I know it showed.
I'm glad you're not worried about B on the score I fantasized. I think I understand now that he wants to remain in their home until his D makes it through freshman year, after which she can live independently (or moreso) and then he'd feel comfortable selling their house? Have I followed right?
I'm so dense.
Big hugs
Hops
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Skep, I read your posts and there's always so much in them that I have to read them several times and spend time digesting it all before I reply (that's meant in a postive way, not a critical one :) ). By the time I've done that you've written another three posts, built another shed, redesigned the garden and decided which cows to buy lol, so I'm always very behind. But this is one of the things that really stuck out for me:
Media needs to respect it's boundaries and only report what happens; not try to make me think x, y, or z about it - and DEFINITELY not push the message that I'm a failure as a human being because I refuse to play the "ain't it awful" or "outrage" game and turn the definition of words on their heads... and blame people who aren't afforded the respect to tell their side of the story; aren't believed when they do tell it; and the only reason the Media cares - is because it makes them money.
I have had several conversations with friends in recent weeks about how much we all wish there was one fact based, reliable, objective information source that you knew you could rely on when you wanted to find out basic information about things that may effect your life (like pandemics, crime rates, business news, climate problems etc). And how much easier it would be to make personal decisions about important things if you didn't have to constantly wade through other people's opinions and their efforts to make you feel a certain way about certain things. We see a lot of it here; many of the people given television time about the pandemic are just people with strong opinions (and usually strong opinions that upset a lot of people). I want to listen to doctors and scientists who know their stuff and can explain it in a way that my not particularly scientific brain can understand. We have got fact checker but it focuses on isolated facts and I find I need a bit of context to make sense of things. And people do seem to have redefined the meanings of words now, which makes communication difficult. There has been a really distinct shift, I think, from reporting the news to creating the news, if you know what I mean. I am trying very hard to avoid anything more than the bare bones of what I feel I need to know because it's just all so overwhelming now. So yes, I get where you're coming from with that and it's a useful perspective xx
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That is one of the phenomenons, Tupp, that is kinda driving me to be "in the world, not of it" right now. Not so much to avoid being blamed or held responsible... but to refuse to participate in what I understand is an ego-based game, that has the odds stacked against me and can actually hurt me. I continue to be kind and considerate to other people, and I really don't care about their political beliefs or religion or where they came from or who they identify with - as long as they identify with being human and can acknowledge we have that in common and that kindness & consideration is the sum total "how-to" to be able to live together. It REQUIRES both parties to commit to that; not just one. Reciprocity right?
There IS clarity - stepping out of the noise long enough to hear yourself think.
But right now, I need shake my bones and go move stuff from one place to another - and if that doesn't wipe me out, load it in the car to donate tomorrow. Got a haircut appt tomorrow!! First one in over a year. My hair is below my shoulders now; full of static electricity -- and it makes me sneeze! Time to shorten, & neaten it up. It's been at least 2 months since I went over the mountain.
Hol & I just pow-wowed; might get back together again later in the studio - it's a place where we can just scream about how frustrating this year long purgatory or limbo is getting. IF, things were still operating closer to normal, it would be less annoying but it's clearly not. I mailed a bill payment on the 5th; it hadn't arrived by 10 days later. Even one of my quarterly tax payments was still showing as "in transit" - sent certified; a month ago - to my state's capitol.
So far, chocolate is keeping me still trying to do SOMETHING useful. I think I probably ought to bake some more stuff again - just not in mass quantities. Order some patterns for sewing; and fabric and notions. They might get here by summer.
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The difficulties with ordinary supply and demand are hard to manage, Skep. Fortunately that hasn't seemed to be as much of a problem here - I think we're just smaller with fewer people. I know delivery services and mail services have been extremely busy and there were delays over Christmas but for us normal deliveries now and postal services are pretty much okay so I hope that sorts itself out soon for you. And well done on the hair cut! I look like I live under a mountain at the moment lol, I just tie it back as there's not much else I can do for now, but I am looking forward to the time I can have a proper do done and skip around swishing it about :) My son got fed up and just chopped all the curly bits off so he looks like drunk people have been at him lol.
And yep - I think you said before the internet has done much to fuel divisions and I must admit I have been sucked into things more than once. But hopefully have seen it happening and avoided the curved ball too much. I've found with all this thinking just lately about isolation, peace and quiet but also connecting with people has made me yearn more for the way things were when I was younger. Some things are better now, obviously, and I wouldn't want to be without the internet all together, but I think my world was a smaller place years ago because I only knew what was under my nose. And aspects of that are good, you know? I think you can know too much and I am trying to focus now on learning about facts and useful things rather than knowing what everyone thinks about every single thing that's happening. I think maybe that's the pit - slipping into fluff and stuff world rather than knowing more about the planet or plants or something. It's kind of easy to get submerged. And it's easy to waffle, which is what I'm doing now :) Lol. Hope you enjoy your haircut xx
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I missed your response Hops. Sorry about that.
While my parenting style was more "hands off" - and giving Hol the freedom to make her own decisions (whether I liked them or not) - I still worried myself into a serious cortisol loop of stress. And we kept our communications open between us (more or less) and I stayed engaged with her process of thinking/making decisions - intellectually. I knew her strong intuition, social networking bent, and early parenting gave her enough emotional "maturity" to fend for herself. Her older sister - not so much. Kids are ALL different. They need to be parented differently - and that sometimes causes sibling issues. Hol had to process some some heavy life crap around the mid-teens because of her sister/Dad... and she found Ex#2 and I helpful to sort it out and not get stuck there. We have been at this, a long time, Hol & I. And we're different, she and I - yet compatible in this arrangement.
The relationship between B and I, as I've mentioned a couple other times - is so completely different/new/outside the usual conditioned patterns from either POV - from anything I've experienced in the past - that that past "education" is kinda useless and a bad measuring tool. In the past, I've always "needed" something from a relationship; usually something practical. And in typical fashion, I would take the leap of faith while throwing myself over the cliff, to obtain that needed thing. Except Ex#1 (Hol's Dad) I did OK; I picked men with qualities I respected and liked... and assumed my role was to put up & shut up about the things I didn't because of the roof over my head and food on the table. I've also experienced love for some people - outside of relationship.
Some of the things that are different this time... we already had an established communication through an online friendship. That deepened, got more personal over time and more supportive as we each went through life crap. But we're both really independent and confident in our abilities to keep on, keeping on, alone. Neither one of us was looking to gain anything practical from the other, or to fill emotional holes even, by intensifying the level of the relationship. That said - I think we've discovered a few things about ourselves as a result of taking this to a more committed level.
I've done enough "work" to deal with the expectations that someone will completely meet all my needs for me. I am the only one responsible for that stuff. So the "love" I have for B - is a reaction of joy and respect for who and how he is; how his life refined into who he is now. It's not manufactured or intellectual; it's an emotional and visceral excitement energy of HIM. And I know he "sees" me, too. And understands how my life made me this way... and he also reacts to me in similar fashion. While we are compatible intellectually, lifestyle & background wise, our connection is extremely rooted in something a whole lot more non-verbal and primal than that. It's a shared sense between us that we've both remarked on how it's eluded us till now.
Neither one of us "needs" each other in those usual ways. We WANT what the other is offering or being, however, sometimes so intensely it appears to be a need. It's almost the archetypal male/female; mother/father partnership in how our energies and personalities mesh. We seldom have those "relationship conversations" - rating each other, communicating more clearly what one needs from the other, making rules for each other - and when we do drift toward that topic we've discovered the other already knows; it doesn't need to be said or explained or justified. That's been fertilizer for trust to grow. And there is none of that - "OMG, I'm taking a huge emotional risk of getting hurt again" fear beyond the fact, that one of is likely to leave the other by dying someday.
Even if we have to separate for some reason, the foundation of the relationship will remain. The few "rules" conversations that have taken place are mostly that there are no rules until we are together; then we'll figure 'em out together. It's OK that he's more of a night owl than I am... we can be happy being together or apart; working separately toward the goals around here. Roles are interchangeable as are responsibilities. "Rules" for relationships, I find are closely aligned to social conditioning, those evil "shoulds" and conditions of expectation that typically have no basis in reality; they're all fictional or Hollywood; not real humans and real life. I'm too old to mess with that crap anymore - and the truth is, it didn't serve me well when I was younger either.
So a POX on shoulds, rules, and conditioning. Change is good; different is good; and I'm not gonna take my own set of conditioning so seriously that I put myself into the "needy, clingy, waiting forever on the knight in shining armor to come "rescue me" when I can get up off my own butt and take care of myself. Then, the knight & I can dance till the sun comes up instead.
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I now have a picture in my mind of you and the Knight dancing with your butts out, Skep :) Lol xx
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ROTFLMAO
Famous Jimmy Buffett line:
"If we couldn't laugh, we'd all go insane." It really hurts no one or anything, to take a "silly break" - and just be silly together a little bit. People are (in general, everywhere) taking themselves waaaaaaaayyyy too seriously lately.
And then wondering why nothing is fun anymore.
:rolling my eyes so hard, I'm looking out my dancing butt:
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I'm doing some things differently right now. Shifting some daily schedule stuff around; managing things a little differently. I guess just a re-balancing of physical work, mental work, and how I'm addressing emotional/energetic waves. It's all just tiny little things - but it all contributes to a change of mindset for me, and how I'm dealing with my "mental to-do list" around here - worry - and changing real life circumstances I can't possibly control.
We are literally in the part of the year where projects are difficult. The weather presents challenges it's not worth confronting; today it's ice. So yesterday, I didn't think about it - I just moved all the pieces for my grow lights and seed starting supplies to a cat-free, controlled environment space. I have to assemble these - clean off a table - fill pots & flats; get a couple more watering cans... and while I'm in the garage perhaps spend some time "making order from chaos" again in the disaster of tools that weren't dealt with by those who used them. I still have several places to do this around the house & studio. I have a month to get ready to start seeds; planting before Memorial Day (for most things) is dicey.
Hol has begun the process of preparing two rolls of giant wool roving for a couple more hand-knit blankets. And we've been brainstorming some farm production projects for income. I need to use up some of the baking supplies I over-bought at Christmas. I got tired of being in the kitchen all the time. ;)
The USPS disaster is affecting so many things. I've been told the only guaranteed delivery dates are for express mail; and the price for that has gone way up. And it's affected my bill-paying routine. I still get paper bills - except in one case, I didn't receive one at ALL for 2 months; some don't arrive here until the payment is due. Yes, paying online is an option -- until my internet access is down -- THEN WHAT DO I DO? Anyway, this is nationwide and is another indirect change from the virus... and also decades of mismanagement. I knew something was up already when I mailed my quarterly taxes - certified - and the one to my state, took over a MONTH to be delivered; a full week after they due, Jan 15. I mailed 'em on Dec 5th to make SURE there was enough time to be delivered before the due date. Right.
Things are getting so bad, Hol's union wrote to the White House, offering set production workers to build vaccine centers. They WANT and NEED to work. Most of those people have already gone through the union protocols for working on set - including getting the vaccine, if available. But it's not like film/tv is considered "essential". Sales are not exactly improving at the business either. So, I have to stay on top of that too.
Both Hol & I are sensitive to the negativity levels online; so we're avoiding them. Lately, that's meant more time together again for us. I have to occasionally list the things that are now in an advanced state of entropy... so that I can continue adapting/adjusting/coming up with creative ways to deal with it. She sees other things I need to be aware of too. And both of us are given to the technique "when things get tough, the tough get silly" as an antidote. It's taking more antidote these days.
My hair cut - new stylist - repeated some techniques that everyone does the first time they cut my hair. As a consequence, I now have more of the things I was hoping to change when it was long - it falls in my face constantly and the frizziness is worse with the layers she added. She used a curling iron to put soft texture in the layers... but I gave away my curling iron some years ago. I don't have curlers anymore either. So, now waiting for it to grow back out again. Hol has an old friend who has cut hair for years; she's currently not working either - but still comes out time to time. And for that matter, Hol & I can cut each other's hair if I can order & get delivered the scissors for what our hair requires.
Mouse's experience with that class at school, has kind of upset me. For one thing, I can certainly sympathize with her response. And I don't think she's a pushover; so this must've been a confrontational presentation of the material. Yes, sometimes prof's will use that approach to get student's attention. And I really don't know enough yet about the details of that class or the material. But her sense that the students are being used in an experiment w/o consent bothers me to no end. Those rules are incredibly strict in the health professions and should be even more explicitly explained prior to consent in the psychological or social realms.
As a non-conformist, in many cases auto-didact, and free thinker... I learned a long time ago that there were situations where it was much wiser to keep my mouth shut and simply avoid in the future, the kinds of people who would make my life a living hell trying to convert me, or change my perspective to theirs - "for my own good". Very few people have it in them to listen to other's points of view, consider them, and discuss them without criticism of the POV holder, or even so far as condemnation, othering, and shunning. (Yeah, that old username has significance for me. You simply don't exist, when shunned.) I sure hope that's an isolated, one-off situation and not an educational trend. I tried fighting that kinda crap once because it's a calling of mine. I retired. I don't want to get back into it again - but I stand by my opinion about how wrong it is. And it's part of how/why people get into the us vs them mentality - if in an educational setting, discussion of ideas turns into personal "evaluations", "assessments", and personalization of arbitrary categories from those ideas as applied to people.
ANY PEOPLE.
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I love the idea of flats of seedlings and grow lights, Amber. What a wonderful feeling to do that during winter...
I have the tiniest corner of a table where my few houseplants are reminding me of nature's show to come. A cyclamen in bloom, an old knarly geranium with nice red blooms, a spider plant going nuts and a huge peace lily. Saved a couple egg cartons to start some veggie seeds too. I'm holding off until next month, around the middle, but I do hope to get some going. I have only two straight southern-exposure windows (with skinny crappy sills, alas) but I could make the most of those with a shelf in the middle and bottom of each. Trying to find out what kind of shelves to order. One of these years I'd like to go to the Habitat store when it's safe and get an old window to top a cold frame out on the patio.
hugs
Hops
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Well, our plan is to - eventually - be able to feed ourselves from what the farm produces. I have a fair to middling recollection of how much I used to plant for this purpose. But Hol & S will also plant this year, so being their first year, it probably won't be much.
I do the usual broccoli, tomatos, onions & garlic, beans, carrots, some years potatoes, almost never mess with corn - it's pretty labor intensive.
There have been a couple of ducks eaten; extra males in the last batch of ducklings that were causing problems. Once they figure out the plans to move the geese & ducks... I have another location I want to set up for chickens and the field will be available for some other kinds of critters. Just not sure what yet or whether I want to take on that commitment.
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I empathise with your concerns regarding education, Skep. There are concerns here that, instead of teaching students critical theories and how to apply them, along with plenty of tuition regarding questioning and evaluating content (is it fact based/is it a reliable source/is it contextualised etc), students are just being spoon fed whatever makes the grades look good, regardless of how it affects them or whether it might be useful to them in the future. There have been instances of universities no platforming certain speakers and I think it's important that people make their own choices - surely better to have someone coming in to speak and students can read up on them beforehand and decide to go along either to listen or debate with them, or choose not to go if they don't want to hear things they may find upsetting. But there does seem to be a creep towards other people making decisions on their behalf - fine for five year olds, but not for teenagers or adults, I feel. Equally we all have our own battles to deal with so there's a limit to how much we can get involved in other people's battles, albeit that they may affect us indirectly at some stage.
And curling irons! Lol, I did chuckle, I've just put my hairdryer on the pile for the charity shop because I can't remember the last time I used it. When I think of the hours I used to spend doing my hair with all sorts of products and gadgets - now I wash it and that's it. I guess hairdryers need to act like they earn their money, hence the fancy do :) But so few of us can keep it up at home.
I hope the rescheduling helps. The postal delays must be a nightmare to deal with. We've been pretty lucky in that regard - some delays but nothing terrible. It does cause problems when you don't know how long something will take to arrive. I hope that starts to get back to normal soon xx
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That was an eyeopener, Amber, thinking about how your location means it ain't exactly fiber-optic cable in your parts. I hadn't thought about how spotty internet in the mountains would also mean mail is even more critical.
I'm sorry you have that worry. With almost every single bill automated and electronic, I barely have to open what mail I do get. It's hard to imagine what business and a complex farm operation would be impacted when internet goes down for days.
I hope there's something (a satellite the size of a cow?) that one day might make that problem go away.
hugs
Hops
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Well - we got a weekend full of snow of coming our way - hence, things to do out in the cold. I need to check the oil in the ranger, adapt the hitch and take the wood splitter down to the Hut. S has gotten into some wood he can't split easily with an axe.
Then come back up here and get a table for my seedling flats moved back indoors. And clean up more of the mess S left outside my garage. :rolleyes:
Then I'll be back and settled in waiting for the first flakes to fall.
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Well, we didn't get all that much snow yesterday; a little while ago, it looked like it MIGHT drop the rest of the foot that was forecast - but it's stopped again. I started cleaning the porch off but I'll leave the steps alone; it's easier & not as slippery, when snow covered. Freddy's been out & in & out & in patrolling around the decks and taking care o' kitty business outside. Stinker is interested, but he's been so busy living up to his name inside I don't want to have to try to chase him in the snow.
I've been lazy; eating - funny how cold & snow whets the appetite; and talking to B all throughout the day and night. More infection issues again - this time affecting his skin - and he won't take a chance on spreading it, so while he's also trying to pick another time to come up with another load to move and stay and visit... that all depends on the infection. Still no antibiotics at the level he needs; just oral doxycycline which doesn't do much more than just keep the infection from being totally unrestrained. So, I've gotten more specific on herbal tinctures for him that are synergistic with antibiotics... and he's started wearing compression socks too... and this is helping. The IV antibiotics are being held up in the VA again; no approval - despite several doctors prescribing it as necessary, life-saving treatment. Someone in a cubicle without a medical degree disagrees with the docs.
I could be angry for him, but that's not helping anything. When he gets angry, I let him vent and then try to calm him down because the stress aggravates the skin problems.
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Oy, that sounds like a serious infection.
I've got no idea what is going on.
I can't keep up with everything.
Related to diabetes?
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Unbelievable that antibiotics aren't on offer for B.
I'm really sorry.
I hope herbs can help, even in a subtle way. Ashwaghanda's amazed me.
Not a "believer" in one form over another but if something is evidence-based and works, then it's convincing for me.
B is lucky his mountain woman values old and new knowledge. That's a wide mind.
Tangent: M just told me there's a new season of Outlander.
hugs
Hops
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Yeah, Outlander season 6 probably won't be released until 2022 due to filming delays and covid protocols.
Antibiotics are clearly faster & more effective than even the strongest herbal substitutes. But when you're denied them, you do what you can with what you can get. He says it's helping; but his oral doxycyline Rx is going to run out this week. The herbs by themselves will barely touch this infection; but they work well to boost the effectiveness of the antibiotic. The three I got for him, are specifically to tackle staph infections.
Mouse - one of his surgeries, he was infected at the hospital with a drug-resistant staph infection. But he was active military up until August; he has gotten all his retirement paperwork - EXCEPT for the VA ID card. He has submitted paperwork for that 3 times - because everything has to be "just so", and one time it was rejected because he forgot to include his middle initial, while initialling a certain section and when he checked on it last week - the 6 month long processing was blamed on Covid, and no ETA on when he could expect to receive it either. That simple card means he's cleared to seek treatment elsewhere - and doesn't require VA approval for it either. You would think they'd try to save money by getting him well sooner (the infection has gone on at least a couple years) or letting him go from their system. It sure doesn't look that way.
That whole system is such a mess, I think it took me a year and a half to understand it well enough to explain what was going on and I'm still not 100% sure I know how it works; or why it's NOT working in any rational form.
UPDATE:
Well, I wrote the above too soon. B has an appt for Friday for another spinal flouroscope (looking for pockets of infection near his spinal cage) and also with infectious disease to draw/test serous fluid looking for infection. These tests are required by VA, prior to approcing the picc line for IV antibiotics. Even though he had the same a month ago - and there is no change, except worsening since then.
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Hum, I'm probably not much help.
The only thing that comes to my mind is pro-biotics. The war of bacteria. Probiotics seem to help my bladder irritations from too much coffee.
Also sorry about this but I used to use probiotics when I had rare yeast infections when I was younger. It works, sorta slowly but it does work. That is all I can think of for non-hard core meds.
There are so many strains of probiotics. I have a Nordic Naturals brand but it only has one kind of "good" bacteria in there.
https://www.nih.gov/news-events/news-releases/nih-study-finds-probiotic-bacillus-eliminates-staphylococcus-bacteria
"Very few clinical data were found on the interactions between probiotics and MRSA, but the few identified clinical cases pointed to the feasibility of elimination or reduction of MRSA colonisation with probiotic use." "As summarised below, many strains of lactobacilli and bifidobacteria isolated from a variety of sources inhibited the growth of S. aureus and clinical isolates of MRSA in vitro. The most active strains were Lactobacillus reuteri, Lactobacillus rhamnosus GG, Propionibacterium freudenreichii, Propionibacterium acnes, Lactobacillus paracasei, L. acidophilus, L. casei, Lactobacillus plantarum, Lactobacillus bulgaricus, Lactobacillus fermentum and Lactococcus lactis. Their effects were mediated both by direct cell competitive exclusion as well as production of acids or bacteriocin-like inhibitors. L. acidophilus also inhibited S. aureus biofilm formation and lipase production."
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24071026/
Probiotics and a low sugar diet is all I can think of. When I don't eat sugar for a couple months my skin gets clearer, the bacteria seem to like sugar.
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I was given milk kefir grains by a local biologist and followed her instructions. Easy! Kept it going for quite a while and really enjoyed multiplying them. It was delicious. My favorite version was just to add a tablespoon of maple syrup....drool.
Only quit because of calories, but I'm tempted to start again. So much yummier than over-sweet store versions with their thickeners. It's so much more powerful than yoghurt and a great way to take in a wide varity of probiotics w/o pills.
I wonder if home-brewed kefir might help B with the infection? No idea...so glad to hear there's some progress on the VA front, btw!
hugs
Hops
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Thanks for that suggestion Mouse! I'll look into it more. You might be on to something here. Yeah, sugar is one of the modern evils, huh? I never did get everything baked for Christmas that I had on my list. I just got tired of it.
We ended up getting about 10 inches of snow. And now it's blowing & drifing - and it'll be warm enough to make icicles off the gutters. I may have to put in some time shoveling. Hol slid off the driveway the other night and put Helga into a tree, on the curve down to the hut. No one hurt - her or Knuckles - but both were frozen snowballs after walking the rest of the way to the hut. It will be awhile before we can deal with that. Looks like mostly sheetmetal damage; maybe radiator; battery. Even when it's dry, no one drives over 20 mph on the driveway. Just not feasible, altho I've gotten the ranger up to 25 sometimes.
In yesterday's mail, I got the power bill that is due - yesterday. (Already pd online; but now I have to go check.) Heard VA's senators are inquiring into the matter; I know it's affecting the whole country - people complaining online about this.
Last year at this time, we dealt with winter - and the first warnings about the virus, which no one knew anything about at that time. We were already OVER it; and this year, it's beginning to show up in signs of frayed wild hairs & acting out & doom/gloom... and the usual escapism. Both Hol & I are trying to fight it - everyone's looking for something to do. S is keeping up with the firewood needs; she hasn't been using her furnace - hasn't needed it - to conserve propane for the power backup. S has also become the "Bobcat Master" - pulling trees out of the piles, from when they cleared for the hut and plowing snow.
But the other thing we've noticed - is the concept of "saving" little tasks to do later, in an attempt to spread work out over the unknown continuing stretch of time we're trying to fill. Hol's been painting baseboard, etc a little at a time. I'm catching up with all kinds of house organization stuff.
Along the same lines, I think out of sheer boredom, and in our own ways - Hol & I are working on how we've attached ourselves to negativity - kinda the opposite of "rose colored glasses" we tend to view things: interpersonal interactions or the lack thereof, emotions, and even our ability to tackle certain ongoing projects around here... from such a "bleh" place... that we're falling into that "this is normal" perception. Both of us are trying to find ways NOT to do that. She's investigating gym equipment; I'm just trying to finish up so many project loose ends - things I started or got supplies for, but for one reason or another - got interrupted, detoured, and never finished.
And we BOTH realize that we need this kind conversation - actual people talking back & forth with each other over a range of topics - which simply doesn't happen much online. People throw out a statement, or a meme which is generally pre-verbal ideas... hope for "likes" as a substitute for connection... and don't talk TO or WITH other people. It bothers me more sometimes, than others and it's bothering me now.
Back when people wrote letters, the BEST ones were the ones that were like sitting right there talking to the person. I've been writing B letters sporadically. He keeps the latest one in his wallet. :D
I guess I'll remind Hol about the wool she needs to felt for blankets today. Both colors have been "resting" for a week now.
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we need this kind conversation - actual people talking back & forth with each other over a range of topics - which simply doesn't happen much online. People throw out a statement, or a meme which is generally pre-verbal ideas... hope for "likes" as a substitute for connection... and don't talk TO or WITH other people.
This completely sums up what bothers me most about living alone, Amber. Not periods of solitude, I crave that. But too much. Have you been walking around in my head?
hugs
Hops
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LOLOL. I don't think so Hops... did I clean my boots off? ;)
Yeah. the kid remarked when she first came out here that I talked to myself a lot; and answered - or talked to the cat and expected it to answer. A person could forget what their own voice sounds like, if they didn't, ya know?
Now that the sun's out, it sure is pretty out there. I might do the required shovelling today. A couple days melting and then we go back into arctic circle temps again. Is your snow all gone Hops? What are you doing, planning, contemplating... to keep busy?
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No snow here now, Amber. But there's bright sun.
And not much "doing" as I still feel shaky and get woozy and chest pangs and short of breath, all of which might just be anxiety but which still prevents me being very energetic. Apparently there's a chance the diagnosis will be TIA, which makes sense but isn't good for longevity. So I'm trying to absorb that thought today.
I did start pushing out of the hiding-in-bed mode yesterday and kitchen is tidy. Did a bunch of stuff online, not all of it escapist. For example, had a bunch of tedious calls and emails with the hospital to get my CT scan report corrected. It had me as a "10 year old female" -- hah! (And it's on the patient to chase down the right department through the main line, and eventually be directed to, download and print, fill out and mail in a form to requests an addendum to correct an error in the report, which I find odd since the patient didn't enter the incorrect info. Happened with the stroke in 2019, too, but at that time I didn't know about the procedure.)
Thinking of your sorts of goals, mine do shame me. But they are things like: get kitchen cleaned up and surfaces tidied. (Done.) Do more laundry (not yet). Write and reach out to various people/projects. Do some church stuff. Listen to poet friend who gets upset most weekends with partner and is getting some insight about that. (Sent her John Gottman videos because what she was describing in their interactions could've come directly out of his lab.)
Sun is out and I am this week doing much better with sleep schedule. Woke at 6am and have enjoyed my usual lolling-morning. Not feeling too perky now but after my T appt on Zoom at 2pm, hope I'll get a second wind.
Right now, been watching the officers salute Brian Sicknick's flag in the silence at the Capitol, thinking about how their trauma shows on their faces, and sorrow.
It's hard for me to tell the difference between being anxious and being unwell at times. I need to push through fear and just do more stuff. Anything. Anything active instead of letting my body melt away more. Even kitchen-puttering is an improvement on how I've been for the last year or so.
hugs
Hops
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Hops: Be very kind to yourself. It makes me sad to picture you pushing through feeling unwell.
Lighter
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Lighter, thank you for your compassion.
It's like a light. A warm one.
(Moved my stuff today mainly to the Relationship and Health threads so as not to start eating others' "home" threads.)
hugs
Hops
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Amber,
Do look into the probiotics, it's not some new-age nonsense. It's an effort to change the bacterial ecosystem in the body.
Good luck.
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I'm so sorry that Buck is unwell again, Skep, and even sorrier that he's still dealing with this mad admin situation?! Crazy stuff. We get similar situations where everyone's tied up in red tape and it all takes so long that by the time it's dealt with the original tests are out of date and you have to start again. Crazy. I hope some of the natural/alternatives suggested might do something useful (if only by making him feel like he's doing something. It must drive him nuts).
I hear you on the sense of ennui that's all pervading at the moment. I'm finding the lack of change of pace difficult to manage. My diary for this time last year has too much in it - daily activities, paperwork deadlines to meet, friends coming to stay, a big birthday thing for son to organise. But this year has one health related appointment for Feb and one for March, and nothing else at all. We've got plenty to do at home and I'm walking, doing yoga etc, but without any sense of deadline for getting things done I'm struggling to motivate myself sometimes (and I could set my own deadlines but as there's no consequence to not tidying that cupboard out today it doesn't really work that well for me). I hope Hol and the vehicle are alright after the skidding incident. So easy to lose control in icy conditions (we very nearly rolled completely over in a van once and only stopped because the road was so narrow that the van got stuck sideways on and rocked back to right itself. That was an interesting morning lol). It will be nice to get back to a decent level of functioning, even if it isn't 'normal' xx
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You know what they say - too much of anything can be bad. That's how I feel rolling around to a year-anniversary on this isolation situation. It may have kept US healthy; but the virus still was widespread - unless a lot of those cases were false positives. At this point, I'm guessing it'll be 10 years before statisticians will either admit they don't have good data or the "real" numbers are released. I still picked a garden-variety daycare virus at either the grocery store - masks still required; still washing my hands after that visit; or the DMV - which is appt only now, and even tighter restrictions. Still washing my hands on the first opportunity back in the house.
Because of the places I do chat about different things online, I'm not as desperate to just sit and talk with a real live human being as Hol is. Ironically, she lives with her fella - and I talk more to Buck every day than she talks to S. It's not that he's some bad person - he is simply so unavailable to her and wants it that way - that's she left dangling. This has always been a problem for her, since she was little. Always preferred a small pack of kids to do things with, be with, talk to. She seemed to have more trouble staying focused on her own solitary pursuits than most. So when she makes quilts, it all happens in a very short amount of time. Single-minded purpose, get it done - move on. That's just her way.
I'll have to remind her this is one of her goals. But that still doesn't change the painful awareness of the limbo we find ourselves in. Too soon to do anything outside - the snow might finally melt enough for her to be able to get the pontiac out, and hopefully mud season holds off - then she can go to town to visit local friends. Her city friends are meeting for a vacation in Mexico. She was invited and feels torn between just up & leaving... but S's dog, is having hip pain issues and she just won't leave them here to go "play" - even though that's exactly what she needs to do. There are also the virus issues when flying, going out of the country too. With testing centers closing or changing to vaccine centers... she's not comfortable she won't get caught in a catch-22.
I've been breaking up my screen time, with washing and resealing kitchen cupboards. LOLOL. If I get motivated, I'll sand and poly the range counter - with it's breakfast bar. Then I won't have THAT weighing on me when the weather is nicer.
Helga will get towed to her local mechanic, as soon as it's possible to get a rollback in here. Looks like bumper, grille, radiator - and possibly the battery. She couldn't have hit that tree more dead center if she had a hood ornament. Good thing she did hit the tree - there's natural pond just beyond it. Much worse situation.
This kind of thing, is just "life with Holly". I showed Buck the pics and he said he thought I told him she wrecked it - that this much damage wouldn't get her any off-road 4x4 credibility. LOLOL. This rash/infection moving to his skin is more annoying to him - and since he's so careful about spreading it, more work - than it is he feels ill, this time. Things ARE starting to break loose. Once he stopped playing by the rules and resumed his angry ex-marine demeanor things started ticking right along again. He didn't WANT to do this, mind you - but no one was paying attention to him while he was being polite, patient, and following all the rules and not challenging all the excuses.
I have gotten him two different creams to put on his legs - one is a slilver-infused skin cream (his bandages were silver-coated the last two times) and the other is a topical version of cryptolepis - which he also takes internally throughout the day, a bit of tincture in a cup of tea... along with a few drops of bidens & sida. The 3 together are more effective on these antibiotic resistent bacteria.
Yesterday, they FINALLY did a biopsy to find out just which bacteria, for sure - instead of just, "well this looks like..." - which one he actually has, so an appropriate AB can be used to clear it. Today is the scan on his spine... in a couple weeks he has his VA appt; first with his new status - a full 6 months after putting in his paperwork to retire.
My life realm's it seems - ALL of them - are equally in limbo and waiting. So, I've been patient up till now I feel. TRIED very hard to simply pursue my life in the meantime instead of allowing myself to go into 'suspended animation' till something started to change. I tried not to go bonkers during that time too. And my energy is shifting now - I'm gonna DO something, ANYTHING at all, because I'm totally tired of limbo.
I think spring fever has hit. :D
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This movie "Land" is coming out soon. Robin Wright worked with Hol on House of Cards... and now she's directing. I watched the trailer, and I think it might help explain some of what my journey/project is about here on the farm. Granted - a lot of things are idealized/romanticized that are just plain hard work and patience. But I sense there are more layers to this movie - subtle things - that will get conveyed in it and it won't be just a superficial idea of what the experiences are like.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOw20FDNnHA
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I'm in for that movie, Amber! How exciting. Love Robin Wright but I'd watch that story with anybody decent starring.
About statisticians...I think it's likely many will have good data and most have so far been sharing what they can figure out as best they can. Data are facts, but only as good as their source and reach. It's important they not present conclusions that aren't conclusive though, AND many people overlook the expressed caveats.
I hear you on that squirrel chewing through cage of confinement feeling. It's lucky you have the space, the physicality, and the executive organization to keep on going through this. I'm not surprised it's getting to you, m'dear, but have total faith that you won't wig out over it. You really are astonishingly strong.
IF BUCK COULD BE WITH YOU, how much different this chapter would be! I hope his miseries will soon be ameliorated by the right AB, and by his right to get care elsewhere. Damn. It's unbelievable what he and you have been through to get him help that is --or hopefully will be--effective.
As to Hol, she's got a lifetime to figure herself out. Did she get/continue therapy, do you know?
hugs
Hops
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No therapy for Hol yet; it's on my list to find a good time to remind her. Today is the first day, I'm seeing dirt show thru the snow on the driveway; still some patches. It's melting pretty fast today; and hopefully tomorrow too. Then they can get their cars out to the highway. Yeah, she could do something online - but even in "normal times" I think she'd prefer a face to face situation. Establish that trust relationship ya know?
The deep clean on the kitchen progresses. LOL. I can't abide accumulated "oops" - when you llve in the woods, clean is the order of the day to discourage bugs. I DETEST bugs in the house and have been in an ongoing war with stinkbugs (which stinker actually eats - bless him), ladybugs, the occasional wasp, and flies. I use actual pesticides OUTSIDE, but inside using other methods.
Yes, sometimes I bemoan the distance and duration of this lengthy separation from Buck. But until his D can live off campus - or chooses not to go to school (it hasn't been an easy year for her with most classes online yet crappy wifi on campus) he doesn't feel free to go. And his dream is to have everything associated with the past DONE, before he comes here permanently - especially this infection stuff. It's probably not realistic; but that's what he's trying for. And I do appreciate he's worried about not giving it to me - it's mostly just common sense precautions.
The other consideration is that he's lived 20 years where he is right now. And like all of us, he's accumulated and saved stuff thinking he'd need it "someday". He's not moving that stuff. And that process - especially hampered with the doc appts and not being able to get dirty or sweaty - takes time. I appreciate his due diligence on this, as Hol still has stashes of stuff still in the house, barn, studio & studio garage. LOLOLOL. I haven't been able to make all my spaces "just so" yet. I don't mind doing that WITH him involved but he seems more ready to defer to my ideas than suggest too many of his own.
Meanwhile, we talk throughout most days... just the daily stuff, keeping up with what's going on. And in between, one or both of us will bring up "relationship" type topics... so we know what to expect when/if he is finally here. We talk some of the deeper stuff - like is discussed here too. And it's easy conversations. So far. I think we're just both taking it as it comes up and not trying to turn tiny irritations/misunderstandings into something huge. None of the "you always..." statements show up. And since we can be painfully honest/vulnerable with each other... some of those conversations are difficult; but have turned out pretty well.
We've both lived complete lives already. Good & bad experienced or done by both of us. So we can accept each other for who/what we are. Companionship and helping each other is a big part of what we didn't expect - and are grateful for. He's incredibly funny for someone so salt of the earth; and well-read; and thinks some amazing thoughts. I like that he brings his cultural perspective - it's not foreign to me - and we're constantly teaching each other little things, big things, and just enjoying each other. There is a complete romantic side to this - but this indefinite waiting period is dangerous for me, combined with that volatile energy. I've had to explain how easy it is to slide into obsession for me and therefore I'm disciplining myself to stay out of those feelings a lot. It's what I have to do, to keep moving forward on the farm, dealing with the business stuff, and navigating the new situation of another household on the property - with their own boundaries, projects, dreams, etc.
I guess B & I, have deliberately kept our expectations tamped down throughout this. We're both dedicated and working toward a future that we haven't defined - because it's just not possible to do that until he's here. The future will be what WE want it to be; not solely what I imagine or he dreams for. Because we're real people; we're complicated in ourselves; simple as we appear on the outside (or try to project anyway) and we've learned a long time ago to expect life to throw us curveballs of all kinds. We just don't know what they'll be.
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I really admire this:
There is a complete romantic side to this - but this indefinite waiting period is dangerous for me, combined with that volatile energy. I've had to explain how easy it is to slide into obsession for me and therefore I'm disciplining myself to stay out of those feelings a lot. It's what I have to do....
Thanks for the inspiration.
One thing I finally figured out with M was that although he could spin a future-life fantasy with alacrity, when it comes right down to it he wasn't really interested in the daunting job of downsizing, minimizing and finding a new home for us both. It was pretty disappointing when I realized that, but I think as confident as he is or pretends to be about most things, his true feelings played out in delay and distraction. I get it. I wish he'd been able to be more direct about it, but he may not have really known himself. At any rate, I'm glad you're not in that situation with B and have both lived and built a good, ongoing, interesting lives on your own.
I'm older than you at 70. I don't know what's realistic any more really, but listening to your measured, mature take on your and B's unique and personal process is encouraging. There's a WHOLE LOT of communication there, which strikes me as stupendous and encouraging.
I hope his D knows or figures out her own direction soon, and that he soon feels well enough to begin unloading stuff.
hugs
Hops
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'mornin Hops... yes, B has been working for a year and half on lightening his load; a couple surgeries mixed in with that time. It's not so much a matter of his D figuring out what she's doing, as freshmen usually aren't allowed to live off campus and he's already said, if he's ready to head this direction and she isn't, he'll store her stuff for her.
It's kinda nice to feel the certainty that he's doing all he can; compared to the uncertainty I felt early on about IF he'd survive to make the dream a reality. The uncertainty is still there - but he really is trying. It wasn't just a false promise made to appease me... buy him some time.
I'm not much younger Hops; 64. Yeah, I'm staying pretty active (weather permitting) for my age and have been blessed with no serious health issues (yet). B is almost 2 years older. For as instantly as we both realized we'd found our "missing piece" - this long process of coming together has definitely forced us to communicate and learn each other's style and the hints/cues when trying to hide or deflect. Yeah, we all try to do this... he not so much, though. He just straight up comes out with what he's feeling or needs in a moment. I'm learning. ;) And we do have a pretty good ESP connection. The kind one develops over a long time together - say with a parent or a kid.
My first two marriages were based more on practical considerations - not as much romance. Obviously, there had to be SOME attraction & emotional connection or I wouldn't even have committed. And then Mike came along and played the part of Prince Charming to my Cinderella, so well. But when it came to the matter of actually living I really couldn't count on him, unless it involved shopping. He truly was a master bargain hunter or would be able to spend the hours looking for absolute BEST version of an item. I did all the other work. At times, even mowing the lawn which he did claim he liked to do (but forget any trimming).
Even into the grieving stages of that relationship I did most of the work of "connection" - while trying to establish where "we" ended and "I" began - and seeking to fulfill my needs, mostly for solitude, myself. By then he wasn't even communicating with me, he'd withdrawn that far. I suppose that's a natural thing - but it definitely hurt me deeply. I suppose that's a natural reflex in some people confronted with their own dying process. Someone else suggested his denial/resistance to what was happening, earlier, was him trying to emotionally protect me. Whatever the reason, I eventually forgave him for that. All those long months of dealing with caring for him, dealing with the beach house, deciding what I would do now... I thought a LOT all the relationships I'd experienced. The good, bad & ugly. My part in creating those things too - "it takes two to tango" does have a nugget of reality in it.
There are just so many dimensions to a relationship where you're sharing your life with someone on that level. And even within myself, I recognize that the little girl who dreamed of ideal cottages with white picket fences and bluebirds year round and prince charming... and what she believed that relationship was in reality day to day (not that she thought about anything except "happily ever after" without having a clue what that entailed)... totally missed the fact that people change as they age. What they want and need do too. Ideally, sure - in theory - a person should be able love deeply (all the time), coordinate/cooperate well in the basic living functions, and feel personally satisfied and secure and fulfilled in a relationship with any given person. It just doesn't seem to work that way in reality.
My little girl version of happily ever after didn't take into account the very real needs it took me a lifetime to discover I had. And to try to superimpose that on my present situation(s) simply wasn't fair; no one would be able to live up to the fairy tale that little girl created in her imagination. I learned some very important things from all my significant relationships - and from Mike, I learned he really could not/would not change some of the habits that particularly irritated & triggered me. And I learned to cope a little better with those things; to just accept it and how much more work it meant for me... in exchange for my romantic prince who loved me the best way he knew how. Nor could I demand he change those things, if I truly loved him unconditionally? - because in the larger picture; the balance sheet - how important were those things? So we continued on working on the issue from both sides... and some days we did better than others.
Commitment is a dimension of it's own. It's one a lot of people don't understand and struggle with. It's the same for me too. I think it's heavily linked to trust... which is based on (I believe, for now) respect. Respect is different from admiration or the Big L-word. It's an acknowledgement, I guess, of the whole of the other person. Which requires that deep knowing of the other person - which in turn requires openness, connection, vulnerability, and honesty and trust. This might even be another kind of feedback loop (hmmmmmm, yeah I'm thinking out loud) and when a relationship goes wonky and painful, maybe one or the other "criteria" that builds one of the requirements for "relationship" is then thrown out of balance. Maybe the situation is temporary; maybe it's growing pains; maybe it's a permanent flaw.
I dunno. Lately, Hol & I have been talking about relationships this way. Trying to figure our our own stuff - but also looking for the "magic formula" for what "works" and why. LOLOLOL. I think both of us realize how many humans before us have tackled this question without coming up with a definitive answer. But addressing the mysteries of life helps pass the seemingly endless stretches of purgatory time we're passing through right now. LOLOL.
More ramblings from my wacky brain, in other words.
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Long stretches of unstructured time tend to magnify little things - good & bad - and in the processs change one's perception. Maybe we tune into other frequencies than we do, when our minds are full of schedules and trying to fit everything else in around the "have tos"... I dunno.
I'm into long sleep mode; good thing too - as "barometer head" is with me, as the next stretch of (supposedly) daily snow arrives and hangs around for a full week or more here. It's not too bad; but Hol & I went over the mountain for variety in our shopping options. I had a long conversation with the self-check-out computer about how bossy it was; and stupid too; and then I outsmarted it. No swear words escaped my brain in frustration for a change; just made it absolutely clear that the computer's requirements for placing things in the bagging area made no sense, when you've insisted for YEARS I use my own reusable bags and avoid plastic. (which I can't abide anyway - where are the paper bags?)
Road is still a little tricky between here and the hut - and at the top of the drive - even after it's been plowed. It's passable for me, and I think S too - I've driven front wheel drive through lots worse - and he grew up in Chicago, so I'm guessing he doesn't WANT to go anywhere. Hol, on the other hand, is making as many trips out as she can to relive the boredom, tedium, and being stuck with someone who won't engage with her - about anything. So Mom is seeing a lot of her and trying to help relieve that need to talk, and bounce off another human being. We future-plan, imagine, dive deep into the universal questions and philosophy... and have both lost complete interest in politics.
I'm still piddling with cleaning the kitchen; organizing stuff for taxes; playing with/taking care of kitties... herding dogs, as needed... and not really sharing with Hol how much B & I communicate daily; every day. It just accentuates what she's trying to deal with, with little success right now. We are also evolving how she & I communicate too. She agrees we've kinda of developed our own language - and that we've absolutely exhausted the topics we've talked about/processed for the last couple years. I pointed that we always have the same conversation, trying to brainstorm solutions that have already failed - so until inspiration strikes - why continue having that conversation?
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You're really bearing the weight with a lot of grace right now, Amber, imo.
Weight of waiting, abiding, holding the space, wrangling the tasks and preparations, parenting, friending, watching weather....plus all those things you do all the time in your choosing activity and living.
I hope snow when it comes is exceedingly beautiful, as I know it would be...and that rewards every cell in your mind and brings peace.
I am ready for more snow. Don't need more food or supplies, it's just me. But I crave that deep peace when the land is hushed and nobody's driving. The other day it wasn't snow but the super bowl that cut local traffic by more than half, and it felt like driving through this town in the 50s. Loved it.
Just gentler, all over. I keep forgetting there are things I love about winter.
Hope the activity-peace balance stays good, even with some sorrowful memories, and hope you just let your roots grow into your mountain and find that connection sustains you.
hugs
Hops
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I love the fact that you won the battle with the self check out machine, Skep :) I usually try to avoid them but this last year I've preferred to push my stuff through myself and just get out again as quickly as possible. They can be a faff, though, so I'm glad it didn't beat you :) And yes, magnifying things. We went into town this morning to the library and I was stressed getting myself organised to go. No idea why, as it was literally get dressed and put books in bag but for some reason just getting out the door on time seemed like a big deal. I guess when we do start 'getting back to normal' there will be things we'll struggle to adjust to again, just as we struggled to stop doing things when it all started.
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Tupp - all kinds of stuff seems magnified, given the extra space in our lives during lockdown. A cup of tea becomes a restorative ritual "time out"... we've been sleeping a good bit out here, albeit at strange times. I think we've finally hit the point of boredom. LOLOL. I've been tempted to break out the needlepoint again.
I'm looking at some sort of winter stuff falling from the sky at least once a day for the next week yet. Rumors of a more significant snow next weekend. I could slip on my ice spikes and head to the garage and start setting up my seed starting stuff. Garage is heated, so with the grow lights it shouldn't be hard to get them started but I'm trying to time it, that I get enough of a head start on the dirt - which is still snow, sleet, freezing rain/ice covered. I'm glad for the snow; it usually predicts good growing conditions in May.
Eye exam next week; the same day the forecast is calling for snow. Hopefully I can dodge it. Jeep's been doing pretty good and my year's of winter driving experience are still informing my reflexes.
Thanks for that Hops; it's a lovely image. I think I'm starting to come down with a bad case of spring fever. Images of basting myself in tanning oil whilst reclining, drink in hand, on a chaise next to a large pool... intense sun... carolina blue sky... youtube is running ads from Caribbean resorts that are just starting to reopen. I pulled info, pics & video of the base in Scotland where B was stationed. Hol sorted old photos and came up with some I gave her from my trip to Europe in the 90s. Been bookmarking age-appropriate exercises to strengthen my core... and promptly ignore them for some other distraction. LOLOL.
Still detailing the kitchen. Degreasing things; scrubbing a couple years of daily continuous use off of cabinets/floor - and yes, I think I'll be getting knee pads out and scrub brush this time, when I get to the floor. Breakfast bar is going to get sanded, stain & poly finally... and I think I'm painting the trashed toekicks under the cabinets after the flor gets scrubbed.
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What needlepoint are you making exactly?
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Mouse, I have a few things started that got put away years ago. I don't even remember what the images are. LOL.
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Tupp - all kinds of stuff seems magnified, given the extra space in our lives during lockdown. A cup of tea becomes a restorative ritual "time out"... we've been sleeping a good bit out here, albeit at strange times. I think we've finally hit the point of boredom. LOLOL. I've been tempted to break out the needlepoint again.
I'm looking at some sort of winter stuff falling from the sky at least once a day for the next week yet. Rumors of a more significant snow next weekend. I could slip on my ice spikes and head to the garage and start setting up my seed starting stuff. Garage is heated, so with the grow lights it shouldn't be hard to get them started but I'm trying to time it, that I get enough of a head start on the dirt - which is still snow, sleet, freezing rain/ice covered. I'm glad for the snow; it usually predicts good growing conditions in May.
Eye exam next week; the same day the forecast is calling for snow. Hopefully I can dodge it. Jeep's been doing pretty good and my year's of winter driving experience are still informing my reflexes.
Thanks for that Hops; it's a lovely image. I think I'm starting to come down with a bad case of spring fever. Images of basting myself in tanning oil whilst reclining, drink in hand, on a chaise next to a large pool... intense sun... carolina blue sky... youtube is running ads from Caribbean resorts that are just starting to reopen. I pulled info, pics & video of the base in Scotland where B was stationed. Hol sorted old photos and came up with some I gave her from my trip to Europe in the 90s. Been bookmarking age-appropriate exercises to strengthen my core... and promptly ignore them for some other distraction. LOLOL.
Still detailing the kitchen. Degreasing things; scrubbing a couple years of daily continuous use off of cabinets/floor - and yes, I think I'll be getting knee pads out and scrub brush this time, when I get to the floor. Breakfast bar is going to get sanded, stain & poly finally... and I think I'm painting the trashed toekicks under the cabinets after the flor gets scrubbed.
Yup. I'm finding the lack of change of pace difficult. It's a long day to fill and, although there are always many, many jobs to be doing, none of them are currently very stimulating or exciting and I'm loathe to start bigger projects because of (a) the difficulties of getting rid of things and not wanting delivery men in and out and (b) I do have in my mind we might move so I might end up doing everything twice. So trying to focus on cleaning and decluttering but the novelty of having all day to spend on cleaning the kitchen has worn off, as has the novelty of being able to read, watch a film, do a puzzle or whatever. It will be nice to get a bit of movement back into the day again (or at least nice to take a walk in pleasant weather, instead of the arctic blizzard that I battled through to get to the shop this morning! Lol). Sun and blue sky sounds so tempting just now :) Are you completely locked down there just now or is it more the snow making it difficult to go further afield? xx
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It's the snow, sleet, freezing rain and all combinations of them, that has us immobilized right now. Supposed to get new additions every day until Friday - and there's a new storm setting up for next weekend. Since Hol slid into the tree we only have my jeep to get out and about. Cases are going down here - not that my state was hard hit at all. Less than 200 cases in my county of about 35k people all spread out over 645 sq miles. It has definitely hit harder where people commute over the mountain for jobs in the cities.
Both Hol & I have good experience driving in snow; I think she just started sliding and simply didn't have any time to correct it. Mighta been going a little faster than she should have too, thinking that the snow would pack more in the tires than it did. That snow was pure powder - I cleaned off the porch with a broom. So we CAN get out, if we need to but it's quite the production and we've been limiting our trips for a year now... so it's a once a week thing. IF that. I have an extensive pantry and double up on cat food & litter in the winter just for times like this.
Yesterday, I made a start on sanding the wood at the range/breakfast bar and will hopefully get it stained this afternoon. I can't WAIT to see it stained. It'll be a slightly different/darker tone than the rest of the logs/wood paneling in the house so it'll add some variation without a high contrast. IF I have enough of that stain left. Haven't looked yet. Then it gets a coat of poly, so I can clean up spills, drips, dog schmutz, and the odd boot marks.
Found a new degreaser product from Method; and I have to say it works pretty well. I'm going to try it on my self-cleaning oven - which given how many cooks were using it the past few years - hasn't been cleaned as often or as thoroughly as I like. I'm a firm believer that a clean kitchen contributes to overall health and I've always tided/washed as I cook or bake. So unless we have guests I seldom use the dishwasher.
Last job is going to be a thorough scrub of the floor - probably will do the dining room too; clean the rugs & paint the toe kicks to be able to wipe them down easily too.
When it gets nice again, I'll start cleaning windows & screens - they're pretty dusty from last year's pollen. And give the blinds a wipe too. There are the odd doors that need to be sanded & poly'd too - lots of grimy fingerprints on those and light switches.
I grew up with old school housekeeping methods, and this kind of thing keeps me moving and less restless from inactivity. This is kinda early for "spring cleaning" - but as I said before, I'm going to want to be outside working as soon as it warms up and don't like the feeling that I'm neglecting one job to do another.
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I'm busy trying to recover my powers of thought in order to contemplate what it would be like to be a person who is alert to the condition of toekicks.
I will need an extra handful of vitamins today. Perhaps meditation.
:)
Hugs
Hops
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LOLOLOLOL Hops.
I might be a little OCD. ;)
But I also have to contend with people & animals tracking stuff all over the floor and the constant bug population out here... and cleaning & regular maintenance help with all of that. At least Stinker will actually eat stinkbugs!! He's helping. :D
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Which bugs vex you, Amber?
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In order, I despise stinkbugs, ladybugs and flies in the house. We also get the occasional wasp - and fight wasp/hornet's nest on the decks a lot. Sometimes I'll get the large black ants; but that's pretty rare these days. There may be a few more places I need to caulk. House is 20 years old and upstairs I found a gap between a wall & the roof where acorns had made it inside from some squirrel. Those spots got the expanding mouse foam. Since the house is log/wood beams on a concrete first floor (those walls are 6 inches poured concrete) I'm sure there's been some settling, even though the amount of rock right here is impressive.
I like bees; bees like me. But the big carpenter bees also cause problems on log homes - and attract woodpeckers. I have at least 3 kinds here, red-headed, downey, and another the size of the red-headed.
It's probably time to clear a few more trees away from the house - and spend more time "landscaping" outside. Off the back deck, I need to put in serious clearing time but that kinda requires a safety harness as it's the top of the cliff.
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Hol & I are running out later this morning; she has post office needs and I need to stop at the hardware store. I don't have enough of the stain I wanted to use on the kitchen bar. I've been debating if I even WANT to stain it - have plenty of poly - since sanding it down, it looks pretty good the way it is.
We MIGHT get more freezing rain later today; it's hard to tell. Then Wed, its the over the mountain trip for my eye exam, and shopping right before another snow & combo event Wed night/Thursday. And really cold temps. Which won't be too bad, for me, if there's no wind.
OH... the other neighbor showed up yesterday with a banana cake for Valentine's Day, thanking me for the Christmas cookies. I guess they were under the weather with some bug or other over the holiday. It was a big surprise and fun. The Mrs. gave me their phone number in case we need anything. But after 4 years - going on 5 - I guess they've figured out we're pretty self-sufficient. ;) And that we won't make pests of ourselves but are willing to be neighborly. I know my 90 yr old neighbor has been getting out - tire tracks in her drive - Holly has it the worst because most of her road is at the bottom of the hill and doesn't any sun (when there is any) until noon. She's been keeping the ranger with her to run back & forth and it's doing OK.
There is no news, except above and the weather. Hopefully it really will get warmer soon and we can switch to mud season. Won't be as bad for Hol, now that the rest of her concrete pads/patio have been poured. But we'll have to hope her section of road holds up; first year it's had snow cover for any length of time.
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So no Smoky Brown roaches, large water bugs or centipedes surprising you? I think the Orkin guy finally got rid of all the bugs at the lake. Such a relief to find they weren't German cockroaches, whew. What a mess.
Downstairs I found a couple electric outlets filled with dead centipedes.....have to close up all entrances and cracks..
I'll have bug guy walk me through and point to all cracks her identified this week.
Wasps getting in were a problem here, until I found a nest tucked under the siding. I walked the house perimeter and listened.....looked for wasps. Sure enough, there they were. Huge problem, bc they were in every room. Both girls were stung.
I get very occasional stink and lady bugs. I don't mind catch and release for them. Same with moths. I never kill spiders unless it's an accident.
My sister is super concerned with open garage and exterior doors as she's sure mice are waiting to run in and set up household. I don't like dealing with mice either. I stopped keeping bird seed bc of mice. Smart little guys.
Lighter
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Bug guys don't work out here. I had Orkin out for a survey and never heard from them again.
I have peppermint planted (sposed to repel stinkbugs) and made the LED 2-liter bottle traps. Those do work, but not 100% effective. Hol's used a bug vacumn and fly strips at the hut. And of course, caulking all the openings is REQUIRED. Even so - the bugs get in.
I'm way outnumbered by the bugs. LOL. And I have the same habit about garage doors being closed.
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Would a frog pond in the LR help, Amber?
I KNOW you could build one...
:)
hugs
Hops
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Well, there's plenty of frogs just off the backdoor - in the goldfish pond. But they only eat the skeeters - which usually aren't too bad around here. I have the NC beach Industrial strength propane bug zapper if they ever are.
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How to Get Amber Through Another Ice Storm When B. Is Taking Too Long
(by Hops, famous poet)
+1 310 356 3929
This is Sam Heughan's phone number that he intentionally set up so Outlander fans could text him. Did you hear about his new book and show "Men In Kilts"? Drooool.
(You're welcome.)
LOL and hugs,
Hops
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Hehehehe
I've got no idea what is going on only that Hops has just posted Sam Heughan's phone number.
So did you text the number Hops??
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LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO.........oooooo.....owwww..... laughing too hard....
Thank'ee Hops... but I haven't drunk called or texted anyone in quite few years. And believe it or not - I'm so shy I'd have to be drunk to text him. Sam is cute, no lie. But I was a Murtagh groupie. The one who was in love with Jamie's mother; and Jamie's godfather. Sam is more Holly's cup o' tea. Duncan Lacroix is Murtagh.
I did just watch the first episode of Men in Kilts. Sam & Graham making angels in the barley drying room of the distillery was just so cute & silly. B has already said we'll go visit Scotland; just gotta get him here first. ;) He was based out of Holy Loch. Did a lot of cold water - ie, arctic circle - diving.
I already have two- three inches of new snow this morning. It's blowing from the east, so B must finally have some relief from the 40 days & nights of rain he enduring. I hit the hay really early last night coz I didn't sleep well the night before that... so I was up early. My west ridge is only a faint shadow through the thick blanket of snow that's descending; pine trees closer to the house stand out from the bare oaks & hickories. Yesterday over the mountain, I saw the bradford pears have budded out and we spotted a robin, too. Easter is early this year, too - so it won't be much longer till we're into spring.
I have things I "have" to do... like collect docs for taxes. And I'm kinda taking a break before sanding the poly and applying a second coat. I don't know yet if Hol is going to venture out up here or not - she's started felting another blanket. She and I were discussing staining more sections of wall and some trim ideas and I could do that with the stain I have. She's been doing the same kind of piecemeal work at the hut too. Yesterday, she also picked up her latest investment - weights and a squat rack - that she got at a bargain price. Loaded, unloaded, got home before the snow started.... after 8 different stops in town over the mountain yesterday mid-day. She might not move today. LOLOL. The weights are for her, to get back in shape in case she gets work this year. [nope; she still can't sit still... just informed she left her curtain rods in my jeep and is headed for studio to make thick curtains (I warned her about an all glass wall) and finish felting the wool.
Think I'm going have banana cake again for breakfast! :D
I did stain and get the first coat of poly on my counter and I like it. Hol says it grounds the space more - as the range counter divides the wide open kitchen & the dining room and that furniture is red oak.
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Mouse, hahahaha, nope, I didn't text him. I'm content with the certain knowledge that now that Amber has it, she WILL at some point be unable not to yield to the irresistible pull to let those itchy texty fingers give it a try....just to ask him for Murtagh's number, of course. Good place to start. Surely Amber needs an obsession, it's clear she doesn't have enough to do! LOL.
(Truth is more likely that Hops wants a vicarious obsession, being too lazy to tend to a new one herself....)
Amber, about the toekicks? I will be unsatisfied with this vicarious farm development journey unless I hear updates about the state of the toekicks.
Loved reading your description of the snow and trees. Balm for the mountain-nostalgic soul. Thanks!
hugs
Hops
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Well the perfectionist in me, wants to sand (lightly) the first coat of poly and then add a 2nd to the counter before moving on to toe kicks. B & Hol keep my phone pinging all day long with txts... and Stinker keeps me asking loudly: "WHAT was THAT Stinker" throughout the day...
I experimented with a smooshed potato, carrot, celery, broccoli & ham & cheese soup yesterday... and today I'm going to try adding heavy cream, more butter & more cheese too. It was kinda bland... might drag out the step stool and climb up to dig around in spice cabinet for either tumeric or curry - if I remain resistant - I'll just add more paprika.
We had a longish break from the s*** falling from the sky - so Hol has magically made her large pile of cardboard and scrap lumber disappear, courtesy a little diesel we keep on hand for the bobcat. The special effects person can't go more than a month without a bonfire... she's waiting for 3:30 to go see if the mail got delivered today; my guess is it didn't and then she'll stop by for a beer and a chat before retiring back into her nest for the evening.
I've uploaded my tax documents; emailed CPA; fixed ATT's profile (new email address)... and checked to see if my furnace vents were iced up or clear. Oh, and I cleaned the woodstove. As the temp warms up and the snow melts - it gets really damp outside and consequently feels colder than when it's sub-freezing here. If I get ambitious, I'll move some set recurring payments to a specific credit card - and continue updating my county-mandated address & email address... and copy over the address book from old email to new email. It's maybe a dozen addresses. I'm leaving gmail alone till after tax season.
It was extreme to give up the address I had for 17 years; but new email costs a fraction/year of what old email did - is way faster & reliable and has more features - plus I'm not getting all the political spam anymore. I reported batches of addresses like 30 times... but however those "messages purportedly from actual politicians" are generated, each batch has a different actual email address versus the display name. I don't know how I got on their mailing lists; I'm a registered independent and have been all my life. They get enough money from corporate donations; I don't feel inclined to "support" any of 'em. What have they done for me lately??? Reciprocity, anyone?? ;) Clearly, none of them will respect my wish to be left in peace either.
So drastic measures were called for. :D
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In the past year, Hol and I have discussed everything under the sun - sometimes more than once. Our current level of "boredom" is simply - nothing new & exciting to share; no changes either. And we much prefer that to dealing with constant, unpredictable drama... so it's not a complaint; just acknowledgement of "we are here". This usually generates some creative energy.
But, I've detected and Hol's admitted, that she has a tendency to take that creativity into creating problems, trying to hammer new solutions out for old problems, etc. So she finally got around to starting to talk about her abortions and the current difficulties with pregnancy yesterday. Mom has suspected that this was a burr under her saddle that she simply didn't have the willingness to drag out and investigate; and mom wasn't going to bring it up either. But she talks about anything/everything, and I knew if I waited she would eventually bring it up.
There is pain & anger (at her former partners/herself) in this. There is some ideal "expectation" woven through it that she feels she's failed. And she's just unearthed this turd and put it on the table between us for discussion; the unravelling of all the twisted threads hasn't even started yet. She is finally detached (?) enough from the emotions enough to start talking. In some ways, I feel like this is the issue that's kind of been anchor on her; getting her stuck. But that's just my theory based on observation - I don't know yet. Since there is so much time; and not that much to fill work-wise right now we MIGHT revisit this topic; she MIGHT have more thoughts/feelings to share; she might not.
I'm trying to stay in compassionate witness mode with this, because she's adamant (according to my perception/observation) that she must punish herself over this; or that's her reflex reaction. I can generally counter that with kindness some; sometimes she even resists that. There are some parallels between abortion and miscarriage... but instead of me defining/explaining those, I'm waiting on her to tell me how she connects them. My opinions, feelings, or thoughts on the topic are totally irrelevant except as perhaps options/choices she hasn't already entertained. She might not entertain those either. ;) The crux of her flailing with this is finding a reason why she should forgive herself, I think. And not blame herself for current situations way out of her control.
On the one hand I'm relieved she's finally talking about this and with her full faculties engaged on the topic; not just an emotionally laden one-liner. On the other, there are a number of challenges for me - although I did ask permission/acknowledgement that I have my own feelings about this too. With that out of the way, I'm just along for the ride - she's driving this exploration - so I have keep my tendency to suggest helpful things; all of my natural wanting to just wrap her up and rock her... to myself. Me mothering HER, is only rubbing salt in the wound.
This is going to happen in snippets, over time. And her ideas/feelings/thoughts are likely to change about it over time too - as she talks it out. No idea how much time that will take.
Next week, the weather-guessers are predicting early spring temps - ie, mud season. The early trees have buds despite the arctic temps & snow. So, I need to be ready to shift gears from a mental space - less physical work - into getting the dirt ready for garden, seed starting setup prepared... and sowing seeds. I MIGHT put snow peas & snap peas out in April - but those get direct seeded if the soil temps are warm enough. I can't use tools in the dirt until it dries up enough. So that's a careful dance.
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How incredibly painful for Hol.
I'm so sorry she's wrestling with that question.
Fault is an easy, easy word. Forgiveness is so much much harder.
She chose what she needed to do when she needed to do it. And at the time she probably didn't know there could be future harm to fertility. (I hadn't realized that myself. But Hol is intelligent and capable of researching it on her own. Probably better to leave that to her....)
I will never forget my D's choice. She arrived a day or two later
and told me in the driveway. I remember feeling broken-hearted for her
and even simultaneously for myself (bye, grandchild). But I also felt
fiercely protective. Angry on some level that she'd taken the risk
of inadequate BC and sorry there'd been no discussion, but knew it
wasn't my business. I remember telling her that it was unquestionably
her right, but at the same time that to feel grief was appropriate because
chosen or not, it was still a loss. She appreciated my inviting her to respect
her grief. I could tell she was deeply distressed. I felt awful for her. And oh
so pissed at the controlling boyfriend....
Later I sent her about 8 books about the issue--stories of the aftermath
and the huge very individual spectrum of responses: how women forgave themselves, some easily and some with difficulty, or many felt no such need
or trauma about it whatsoever, and all the ways in between. She told me the books had helped a lot, but also that she never wanted to discuss it again. Never did.
The only other memory I have of that time was taking her to an acoustic music festival in a gorgeous setting that weekend, and she saw a baby on a quilt and asked the parents if she might hold him. They said yes and after she picked him up
she just kept staring into his eyes -- it was overwhelming, as I sensed how
deep the moment was -- and she could not stop. At one point I could see the
mother was growing anxious, because D's manner wasn't normal (she didn't interact with the parents), so I finally kept patting her back and urged her quietly
to put the baby down because she was scaring the Mom, and she did. I knew in
that moment that she was going to be profoundly impacted by that choice for the rest of her life (I didn't assume it wasn't the right choice...just felt the full impact with every sense in me how profoundly it affected her).
My poor girl.
I hope Hol learns about self-love and self-compassion and self-forgiveness as THE most important things for her to know and work at and focus like fury on. It's the most important inner work she can do, imn-ho. (I know much of my D's agony was driven by shame, in addition to the illness. Broke my heart.)
I so hope Hol'll give therapy an honest and long-term effort because it could transform the rest of her life. She might even after some time qualify to foster to adopt, if she is interested. Or I hope she might; can't pretend I know.
Invisible hugs and comfort aloft her way. Your way, too.
hugs
Hops
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Agreed on the therapy Hops. For many reasons (or excuses) it's not happening. I don't think this is going to be a long continuous topic of discussion; more fits & starts with her. Nibbling away at things. I'm certainly not going to push her - out of concern that I can't truly understand her feelings, even if I feel how intense her pain is at times. But I can listen, with a care for her and pay attention to things she's telling herself; watch for where she may not be that kind to herself. Obviously the miscarriages are more recent; and the fact she hasn't gotten pregnant again recently - even with hormone assistance - is why she's revisiting the older feelings.
I am quite familiar with her process. Over the years, it's been improved with about 6 mos of therapy; and much much reading. She may indeed be able to get to a reconciliation with herself on this, with my feeble assistance of being able to listen while she talks it out loud and our combined ideas/brainstorming.
I've been put on notice - subtly - to expect another B visit soon. There has been SOME progress with his infuriating health insurance system and providers. There is yet one major bridge to cross before dates can be discussed. And I'm in kind of an UNemotional place with this right now. It's complicated, as usual. ;)
As we approach this 2 year milestone of trying to maintain a long distance relationship, I'm not willing to obsessively imagine "what might be". I got things to do here and I need to be doing them. (Many of the little "just for me" projects have gotten crossed off the list already; some more - that are more interesting - to go.) I talk to B throughout almost every day - like the tide, some days are busier than others - as we share and discuss our everydays. This is a level of intimacy we're both comfortable in - and it's educational as to how we'll function together, when/if that time comes.
I simply don't have the perserverence to maintain a state of longing for someone I don't "have" around me - no matter how enjoyable it is being around him, when he is here. I can't live in that kind of purgatory without tweaking the old grief/loss buttons and those neural pathways. And it's not like I'm giving up hope or lost faith in his "plan" or "timeline" - but I can't put my life on hold until that manifests. Life throws everyone unexpected curveballs, including us. And in some ways - this is an educational time; learning healthier connection & communication styles. But I'm also keenly aware that I'm also using this to protect myself from disappointment... and that feels about as romantic as the kitty litter box.
That's another "tide"... or cycle... I think. And what I'm starting to realilze is that this relationship is going to be completely different from anything I've ever experienced or imagined experiencing before. Eyes open; knowing my limitations - seeing his... and I'm starting to approach my thinking about him & us... from a non-pattern place now. Not old styles of being in relationship; not old love language stuff either.
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From your story, these things made me feel less alone (although of course we and our situations are so different):
I'm not willing to obsessively imagine "what might be". I got things to do here and I need to be doing them.
Difference here being, of course, that you have a much stronger grip on the obsessive imaginination than I do! Good for you, Amber. After two years, it's making sense that you are rejecting fantasy over what is. I need to do the same.
And I'm grateful for and inspired by your strength. [Trickle down the mountain, some of that, universe....himme?]
And this:
I simply don't have the perserverence to maintain a state of longing for someone I don't "have" around me - no matter how enjoyable it is being around him, when he is here. I can't live in that kind of purgatory without tweaking the old grief/loss buttons
That is a comfort and bucking-up (no pun intended) thing to read. I completely and deeply understand this as you describe it. I get a state of longing, interspersed with much happiness, and then...purgatory.
I have so much respect for your functionality. I feel many of the same things but in an inert puddle of quivering poet-pudding. You feel what you feel but act in your own behalf, and use activity both for health and fulfillment.
You're not just imagining and waiting endlessly to see if you get what you had hoped for with B. You're moving forward in your own separate life in the now.
Wow. (And you and B still sound close. I'm glad he's maybe visiting again soon.)
hugs,
Hops
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Hops, in a not completely understood yet way, this is an evolution for me; a "levelling up" may be a clearer idea of how I used to interact in relationships. Hol & I briefly discussed the phenomenon where usually the female gives up part of her life/self in exchange for the relationship... entering into the male's world/worldview and forsaking her own. She called it pre-codependent. It IS a thing I've done in the past - it's beyond chameleonism - and it's always ended up non-reciprocal years later; as there is no invitation or expectation for the partner to enter MY WORLD, as well.
Well, partly due to the long wait and distance, I had to do something different. Earlier, maybe last year, I would stagnate into inaction and impotent mopey emotional states... and it felt familiar; just like those early days of grieving Mike when I simply couldn't move out of the "wishing him back" feelings. Obviously that's impossible. And it's just as impossible to wish B here, sooner than he can get here. So I decided to try to just live my life as I was pre-Buck; and still maintain close communication/feeling connected with him. And it's not just one way; he's doing the same.
When he's here; he's here and we can explore other aspects of our connection. But when he's not here - as he's winding things up - I have things to do to have the house ready to share; and work to do on the farm, to keep the project moving along to the point where maybe I'll make it official with the county (probably be another 3 years before that happens) and change the designation of the property, change the tax status, etc bureaucracy/business side of this. Our relationship doesn't include me "needing" him to share the work - altho this seems to be his natural bent.
And doing both things - maintaining a relationship while I move forward in my own life - is opening up the idea that this is a healthier way to relate; more to my liking for sure; and I have no idea where I got the idea that it was a requirement of a relationship to give up that much of myself in the fusing of a "we"**. Definitely losing that idea and watching myself for the reflex; stopping it when I notice it. I ain't doing that again. It's not NECESSARY; it's something "extra" that almost always breeds later resentment while forging that "we" space. It is reassuring that any time I make noises about being that way - B reminds me he wants an equal, with her own mind, life and ways of doing things... not a moldable robot that he can program any way he wants.
** Yeah, it sounds like enmeshment but I think it's a little more convoluted than that. And definitely more subtle. But whatever...
At this point, having worked so hard to get "me" put back together & functional after Mike, to understand who I am now - coz I'm not the same woman Mike married even; to say nothing of who I was before that... and to get back into the "decision>action>adapt & repeat" mode. I don't plan on giving that up again for anyone/anything. I'm standing up in the middle of my power; B is coming "correct"; and he wants to be part of my world and I'm giving him room and time and the space to reinvent his too. This doesn't intimidate him; doesn't scare him off; he likes it.
We have no commitment that this will be forever - except the emotional one; that we WANT to be together with plenty of space for us both to be who we are. He is intentionally giving up his world - that was his plan after his D got settled in college anyway; before sparks flew - only he was looking at inventing a new life all by himself. Then I butted in, with all my ideas. ;)
We work well together. The chemistry is of course intense, when he's here. And we're able to talk to each other comfortably about most things; he doesn't like revisiting his painful divorces or talking about what he did on active duty; what was expected of him. He DOES... because he wants me know; he doesn't want to hide things - and he wants to know I'll accept those things about him. I do. And he's working very hard to make sure all that slides into his past... and stays there. He wants to live differently, and I can offer him what he had growing up in the mountains/woods. I do remind him a lot - we need to imagine some fun things to do too; not just work. He knows my story, too.
We respect each other - for what we've done in life previous to this; and who we've become as a result. We trust each other - and are still at the stage we're still actively working on this. I will say that I trust him more now; before he's even here than I thought I would. Neither of us are fans of playing the games that go on between couples. So I think we've got a fair chance of this working out.
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My gosh, I'm so happy for you. For you both.
I realllllllllllly respect your anti-codependence thinking.
I'm embrodering this on a pillow:
both things - maintaining a relationship while I move forward in my own life - is opening up the idea that this is a healthier way to relate; more to my liking for sure; and I have no idea where I got the idea that it was a requirement of a relationship to give up that much of myself in the fusing of a "we"**. Definitely losing that idea and watching myself for the reflex; stopping it when I notice it. I ain't doing that again. It's not NECESSARY; it's something "extra" that almost always breeds later resentment while forging that "we" space.
Well, I don't have any pillows big enough. But it's a REALLY helpful thing for me to ponder. Thank you, thank you!
hugs
Hops
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Maybe it was the old "a relationship is supposed to be a two-way street; give & take" that wasn't completely explained well to me. Yes - reciprocity (or ebb & flow) is the natural dynamic of a relationship. But it doesn't go so far as to denying or hiding or cutting out part of yourself... to better "fit" with the partner; to be accepted, approved - loved.
It's more like a partner should ADD to you - perhaps complimenting, perhaps bringing something that's just outside one's own experience. The "thing" I'm trying to describe awkwardly is more visible in skill sets - put simply, B & I are like Ma & Pa Kettle. We have mastered our stereotypical, socially conditioned roles... and fit together well this way. Less obvious is that in some ways he's so creative I need to just turn him loose to do his thing - while I manage the bills, money, and business side of things.
I expect that there are going to be some things come up once he's permanently here, that are going to bug me -- and vice versa, I'll do things that worry or concern him. The one thing I know is that we can talk it out, and negotiate a "deal" between us. We started doing that last year, when he went to sea again.
This kind of thing is Hol's main obstacle with S. He simply will not; perhaps can not talk about his feelings about anything - to the point of denying he has feelings, except when there's an outburst. Neither she or I are strangers to this "symptom". She is so highly verbal (and this is her main tool for connection) - until the feelings are so intense they take over all her senses - that it SEEMS she has a handle on things; and I have seen a lot of change/growth/progress in the last 5 or so years in her but she's also doing a lot of a different kind of denial. She's not taking any action to change the situation and so keeps cycling through anger & frustration; and thinging there's something defiicient about herself responsible for his behavior toward here. She finds it's affecting the trust in their relationship - because he doesn't make himself known to her, to connect to - and as is common, she can only guess or imagine why. Some of it is clearly fear based. This is really bugging her now - because he promised her he'd open up more after moving to the hut; instead it's gone the other direction. She's started writing it out for herself. Wordsmithing. Naming/identifying feelings; and the shades thereof.
We talk about things this way a lot in between her drafts... it helps her to have someone to bounce her understandings and ideas off of... and it's understood, that I am only a resource, as requested and she is the one making the decisions about when/what... etc. And if it seems I'm immersed in this topic, that's why. ;)
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OK - maybe it's the full moon this weekend. Maybe it's the end of winter "spring fever" - bluebirds have arrived. Maybe I'm just having a self "high maintenance" moment. I'm still sleeping like a log my desired 8 hrs or more... adjusting again with the sunrise/sunset; no matter what the clock says.
I'm restless; full of energy; but without a main focus. Yes, there are things I still have to do in the kitchen. I gave the floor a serious scrub this week... so I could sand/paint those toe kicks; LOL. I am not entirely sure I'm that OCD yet. Even broke out the Windex to clean windows.
Still waiting... on spring, Buck, a clue or an idea to put my brain to work on... then my hands. There is always LOTS to do... but we've developed Pandemic Procrastination Syndrome. That's where even though there are 12 things to do on the list - you save half of them for another day, just to have something to do tomorrow... and the next day... and the next day...
waiting on contractors - doors/windows/siding for Hol's garage, then THAT'S done and she can move the rest of her stuff... and to get started on Buck's shop (I am not above bribery; but he really does need that building done to move his 4 ton milling machine in). Now that Helga is mine again, it's even more bait for Buck - working on her, customizing her is right up his alley. Hol's been using the ranger to go back & forth since Helga bit the tree... and I just got that back yesterday because she & S finally found a pickup to buy. We do need it around here and they've been looking for about a year.
Hol said this morning she decided on a whole list of things to do today - then promptly decided not to do any of them. That's EXACTLY the symptoms of Pandemic Procrastination. And it gives rise to the most sillyness trying to entertain each other.
SIGH. "Content" isn't even a thing right now; not in the serene, at peace, well-balanced sense of the word. She is going to lift some weight today (getting back into her strength training) and I have a short routine to strengthen core muscles which I desperately need to start doing. Physical solutions to the inner flipperty-whimppfffff-doodle energy. Perhaps that will help us be a little productive today.
:D Dream big, right?
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Boy, in your just-previous post, I could identify with a LOT of Hol's struggle with S (and herself). Hoo boy. Being intensely verbal and needing acknowledgement of his and her own emotional layers...and being blocked. Wow, that's familiar. Tormenting. I hope with age her own nature calms, and if he wants to live "the examined life" I hope he'll step up and learn something about how to, PDQ. Doesn't look likely.
Be nice (if one could wish such things) if he'd join her in couples therapy, with someone good. Could shift things. But that's Hol's life. I hope for her. And know it must be hard on you to understand so much of what goes on but be helpless to live out the solutions for her (and believe in them before she does). HUGS.
Continue to be inspired by your activity level...astonishing. To prove it, I walked a little bit farther than I did yesterday.
hugs
Hops
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Well, things STILL seem slow around here. We had a couple spring-teaser days - then another form of winter: a couple inches of rain all in one stretch. It melted the snow and ushered in mud season. The hut parking area is a swamp. My backhoe buddy pulled Helga off the tree and up to my house across from the garage. It's now "Buck Bait" - he insists it's easy to fix and he likes working on this era jeep. Fine by me... if it gets him here. ;)
I watched 5 Canada geese circle the pond in a landing pattern, before they noticed the domestic flock... and they ventured on down the hollow to the Hut pond. Sure sign of spring - they like to nest here. I've seen bluebirds & robins in the last few days too.
Stinker is now a eunich. ;) Poor little guy, he woke me up at 3 am, guess the drugs wore off, for kitty kisses & snuggles. While he was at the vet, I spent the time trying to clean up kitty "stink" from an adolescent tomcat. I still have carpets to clean - but I brought my big heavy Bissell from the beach. It's time to break it out and haul it through all 3 floors until I'm ready to replace carpet upstairs. That's gonna have to wait I think - the furnace has been loudly griping about being close to end of life... so I'm going to have to investigate costs & efficiency. Might as well do that before we get to a/c season, right? In a couple weeks, it'll be warm enough for Stink to start learning the wisdom of outdoors & the woods with Freddy. He'll go out during the day, next week, a little bit to get oriented to where "home" is.
B is still struggling; dragging the PTB (powers that be) along since he's gotten approval for IV antibiotics a month ago, to getting the actual appointments set up and drugs into him. He called everyone yesterday; only one call back so far. He is antsy to get up here; I'm antsy for him to be here. And it's to the point we don't have anything to say much to each other -- because there just isn't any good news about that one thing, right now. The skin eruptions are clearing - thanks to silver bandages and the tinctures I found for him. But heat and wearing socks/boots - normal work requirements - can quickly reverse progress. Walter Reed is sending his docs info on specific ABs and dosage/duration of treatment - since he pulled some strings. But that still doesn't speed things up -- that can't be done with power or money it seems. Nor media attention. Nor lawyers.
And I just can't think about that anymore -- or let myself feel much about it either -- without completely stopping all my progress around here to welcome B in, dead in it's tracks -- while pursuing my one goal this spring of getting the garden actually underway. On the other hand, I'm too good at "not thinking/feeling"... thorough... deep... and that causes yet another issue... which took me a couple days to deal with. I still have to untangle all that and find a simpler, more direct and balanced way through things like that.
More on that, after I've taken the time to unpack the brain more.
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Oy, stuck in mud or struggling through it sounds like the perfect metaphor for where poor B is right now.
The only time I got a workaround from usual government sluggitude was years ago when I discovered that for years before I moved home, my widowed mother had been unwittingly collecting my Dad's entire SS after his death instead of the reduced portion that was her widow's benefit. It happened because unlike the other organizations that had been properly informed, the Army had not received its required copy of his death certificate--the mistake made by her executor, a law firm. She didn't know, never having managed money before. I didn't arrive until eight years after his death and thought everything had been handled properly. I was no accountant but saw no red flags.
It looked to me as though her lawyer had set up everything correctly, her income streams were all being automatically deposited (and as we know, I ain't no paperwork genius). I forget how long it was, but one day I saw a letter to her saying that her bank account had been frozen by the Dept of Defense and she'd was thereby ordered to repay it all. Now. That would've wiped her out, made her unable to pay her mortgage, etc. It all left me trembling in my socks at the power of the government to just...DO.
Long story a LOT shorter, I eventually appealed directly to our senator (oh what a letter) -- explaining how in pure trust she thought everything was right, and in her late 80s, she had carried along innocently, not understanding she'd been awarded more than she was entitled to, and what did they want from this saintly elementary school teacher and oh-so-Christian widow of a much-respected honorable veteran who had been personally commissioned by Dwight Eisenhower and nobly served overseas in intelligence during the war....did they want to drive her from her beloved home? (I also asked a family friend at the JAG school to write them as well.) Not to be immodest, but my letter would've made Genghis Khan draw out a lace hankie to wipe his compassionate tears.
The senator's office stepped in immediately, the DFAS agreed to a small monthly payment, and that was that. All got repaid over the next several years. WHEW.
All this just to wonder if a senator might intervene for Buck. You, better than anyone, could write up a very clear and compelling narrative and timeline of his suffering. (With zero blame, etc.) Sometimes, that's exactly what Senatorial staffers love to do. FIX things for fair constituents who bring a painful injustice to their attention!
That's the GOOD side of government having the power to DO. Many individual human beings who work in government bureaucracy, including Senate staffers, find it genuinely satisfying to step in and make a wrong situation right. It's part of their job descriptions, to review constituent appeals and act on those they can. They take them to their boss for approval and sometimes they can get the lead out, even with the VA. Having a senator's backing for an intervention can give it rocket fuel.
Just a thought.
hugs
Hops
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Case in point: he just TODAY got the new status VA ID card they insisted they had to mail to him (status change due to retirement from active duty)... he started the process LAST AUGUST. This is an important milestone in the struggle. LOLOL. Even though it seems inconsequential and de rigeur... why should a simple thing like this take SIX MONTHS, to go through the process??
Oh, he's written his senators; Pentagon brass; the President even - and given media interviews. The "Buck" gets passed every single time. (And his senators didn't change in the most recent election.)
A bunch of us - online friends - have brainstormed all the ideas that exist for years now, Hon. At this point, I think it's sheer stubbornness and not giving up, that will win the day for him. Well, that and knowing how many people are in his corner and value his knowledge/expertise on all things mechanical and his remarkable wit, even in the face of such monolithic not-caring. Given what he's already endured - and overcome - we won't let him give up now, even if he wanted to. It's the old "outlast the turkeys" strategy - and it does work, as long as you don't lose hope or faith.
It's easier to keep trying - when you have people that let you know they support you in the struggle.
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Whoof. Well, add me to his list of supporters....
I'm just so very sorry he's had to go through all this
NONSENSE!!
hugs
Hops
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Thanks Hops, I'll let him know. He'll probably relay a "thank'ee" back... ;)
For whatever reason, I seem to still be having a hard time over this. Maybe it's just 'coz nature abhors a vacumn. Still chipping away at the little things list, sorting out my head, and trying to keep up with everything.
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I can imagine. I would be, too.
I know you care enormously about his health and frustrations.
But does it also feed into the whole waiting waiting waiting and delays?
I don't know how you manage to live in this ambiguity but am awed
that you do find ways to self-stabilize, no matter what goes on with B.
Say more about what's hard, if you like. It's okay.
hugs
Hops
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Poor Buck. It must be very draining for him. Do they do it on purpose, Skep, to avoid paying for things? Or do you think there's so much ineffective organisation and communication that it's more down to people not doing what they should, when they should? Either way, I hope he gets some sort of useful event coming soon xx
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Tupp - the VA (Veteran's Affairs) has needed a complete overhaul for decades or longer. And what I see is typical bureaucratic behavior - so it's some of everything: people on a power trip, people not caring, incompetence and poor training/education -- and stereotyping, too. Way before I got involved with B, I was already aware of some of the problems via other Vets. I'd try to give them support, suggestions, etc. I can't possibly read the institutional mind, but the attitude seems to one of suspecting the worst motives from all the vets and the defensive posture they take approving anything kinda confirms that mindset. Animals are cared for better in this country. (Yeah, I occasionally entertain ideas about starting a non-profit to help...but I don't think I could take the "beat head on same brick wall and hope for a different result" experience.
Hops - the waiting has worn me right down, I think. Bless him, he tries so hard to connect with me during every day... but it's not the same. He's still a "virtual partner" - and as low as I'm feeling about a resolution to this distance - it's easy to accuse myself of manifesting an elaborate fantasy and that none of this - feelings, timelines, etc - is real. Yeah, I've continued to maintain my space and momentum of activity around the farm - even Hol remarked about how many things I've knocked off my list that for one reason or another I just didn't "get around to". I stay active witih my other friends too.. so I'm not obsessing on him/lack of presence.
But there are just so many little things about him that I miss - the little ways he "takes care of me"; none of it patronizing or dominating or possessive... it's just simple kindness coming from someone else (him) that is lacking in my self-motivated, self-busy world. Yeah, I'm strong - mentally, emotionally, physically (sorta). But even strong people need to be scooped up and held when they just can't go on anymore. Two years of holding it together, like this, and dealing with the various day to day stuff or crises as they occurred is a pretty good accomplishment, n'est-ce pas?
So, I took a time out yesterday afternoon with Hol... and wound up crying out all the frustration, confused feelings, and the end of my patience. And I'm going to extend that to today, too. There is absolutely nothing that "has to be done" today... and I'm dogsitting Knuckles - my buddy. It's not his fault; there is no blame -- but I feel how I feel, right now. Maybe when that's all emptied out, I'll be able to get back up and at it.
I just don't have the energy right now; I'm sad and feeling like he'll never be here and it doesn't matter what he says; I know he believes what he says. Fully intends to carry it out. I think I still have half a pint of ice cream, and habenero chocolate sauce...
I'm gonna go bury myself in how-to videos for growing, processing, spinning and weaving linen and maybe just pull today over my head like blankets and not even adult today.
:P
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Good for you, Amber.
I'm glad you stopped asking yourself to be unrealistically (or maybe just unfairly) self-controlled. Good that a lot of it came out. Strong women weep.
I think you said something important, that B "believes what he says" about when he'll be with you. He might be fantasizing too, and that's something to process. Not necessarily a happy something, but...reality is our friend. I know all his obstacles and medical issues and D delays and house preps are real and legitimate, but maybe his follow-through on everything sounds better than it actually is, or than he can actually accomplish. Some dreams do collapse under the weight of expectations and abilities. And fantasies.
I really feel for you in this. It would be a shame to feel you've been nourishing your hopes on well, hope, rather than ... on enough actions to make them real.
Pass the ice cream.
Would it help you to instead of kicking up the communication, to explain to B that the protracted delay is causing enough pain that you might do better putting a pause in the dream-sharing for now...maybe pick it up in three months after he has time to focus and you have time to calm the inner tension of ever-changing dates?
I just worry about relationships built on texts....it's like quick callouts from the id.
hugs
Hops
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I can only respond to part of your suggestions right now, Hops. Our texting is more like conversation; a chat room vs discussion board. And since I despise touchscreens, some of my lengthy (rambling) texts are what prompted more phone calls instead. From his voice, I can pick up anxiety, frustration, joy... it makes a difference; it feels more real.
I'm still looking at everything else. Emotional storm has calmed down a little. And timing-wise, the storm might've been one of those "darkest before the dawn" moments. He has appts now - progress steps - toward the antibiotic treatment lined up now. (And it's not for his lack of trying or follow through... most of the time their excuse is covid.)
It remains true that my biggest fear is he may die before ever getting moved here. I've seen him take some serious curves with the progression of this infection. So, my feelings are (I think) more about me -- than anything he's done/not doing/is or dealing with.
I can see my brain starting to line up the list of "piling on" items... and truthfully, most of them don't directly impact me... so I can still shut that runaway train down before it completely derails. Knuckles thinks Gramma's house is for sleeping; he got in his chair and didn't bat an eye till Hol got back... calming energy. Stink is healing up from his surgery really well... and since it's going to warm up next week, Freddy and I can start introducing him to the outdoors. I need to start seeds, plow, make rock piles... and start dealing with yardwork.
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((((Skep)))))))
I think a bit of a weep and a day or two off 'adulting' are very necessary at times (in fact I can remember how much I wanted to be an adult when I was a child and now that I am one I don't think it's all it's cracked up to be ;) ). I'm glad Hol plus pets were around for a bit of comfort.
I think the situation you describe with Buck is similar here; veterans are treated terribly if they suffer any kind of health problem after service and so many are homeless and/or trying to cope with PTSD via alcohol and drugs because they can't get medical care. It is shocking that in this day and age so many people are still missing out on the basics, particularly when they've done so much for their own countries. It must be infuriating for both of you and I hope something useful happens soon. And that the weather perks up, Covid buggers off and all the other things that are problematic at the moment start to settle down, too :) xx
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it's not for his lack of trying or follow through...
I believe you (and him). I'm just worried about the strain on you.
Glad Freddy and Stinker and Hol are all lined up, ready to take you out into the sunshine.
Thoughts with B, in hopes it begins to move--and with you, enduring this uncertainty.
I understand your biggest fear, too. Though he does seem to be part granite.
Hang in there, friend. I hope the earth and projects and the world coming alive again give you comfort and strength. (You have strength in spades, but it's good to let nature do some of the work.)
big hugs
Hops
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Strain is my exercise, Hops. I could've acknowledged that something was coming up sooner - but I didn't. Hol and I had a really good session talking through the possibilities (since I couldn't exactly NAME what was bugging me; just that it had to do with how long this is taking for us to come together). She and I spitball things like this pretty well.
Then it was B's turn. And - I was as impressed by what he didn't do, as much as what he said that helped.
Big clue came up while Hol & I were talking. I got on the topic of the garden - and how I always started with enthusiasm, but especially when working up the dirt - I kept hearing Mike, saying - why don't you do this THIS way (while he sat & watched - or complained that he was lonely, or Ex#2 insisting that his way was "correct" and telling me I was doing it wrong. And of course, that inner critic voice started when my mom was teaching me to sew - most of those lessons being that she was so impatient she took it out of my hands while criticizing me & my attempt, saying she'd do it herself.
There are a couple things that inner critic likes to harp on - especially during "downtime" if I've DARED to attempt to "do" anything on my own, my way. Abandonment issues, for one. Being involved with an emotionally unavailable person... never knowing my own worth - in my own eyes - since I was criticized, put down, and my accomplishments dismissed as insignificant/ugly/or my favorite one - that's not how I would do it. But to name a "category" for all of these things - it comes down to: what I want doesn't matter - ergo, I don't matter.
It is the same old same old issue rearing it's head again. And in a context, where my mind knows how false that picture is - I DO matter to Buck and there is no subterfuge, illusion, or game going on here. My mind KNOWS this; yet the feelings are there. I explained to him, that apparently those old wounds still hurt for some reason. Even though I was no longer dealing with those people or experiencing the same things in the present. (I realize now I was perhaps over-sensitive in the moments those things occurred; they hurt; the repetition was even more damaging to me.)
He didn't take any of what I had to say personally; didn't feel that he failed me or needed to fix anything - he let me get it out as clunky, chunky, and bassackwards as it came out. Then, commisserated - saying his first experiences of that were when he was young, and for some reason, he was able to take the lessons out of the experience with him and let the emotions go. Then, the miliary environment didn't leave room for attaching much emotion to experiences.
So, that's what I'm looking at now. How vulnerable, sensitive, or whatever adjective fits, was I during those experiences that I attached enough emotion to it to give it energy enough to sustain my sensitivity to it this long? When Hol first moved in - we had to navigate this same issue. She would say - why don't you do this this way? and I'd react (protecting my "self"; and that it mattered to me to do things my way)... and then we yelled at each for a while, till we giggled at ourselves... and then talked it out. The great vacumn cleaner argument is memorialized as a shared experience of this sensitivity.
Each of the incidents are all touchy & still feel as much of a "self" wound as they did originally - altho the anger has dissipated over them. Instead - I just internalized this crap and do it to myself. Or it comes up as an "echo" in new situations - B's delays - if I have enough time to do any navelgazing. :rolleyes:
So, for awhile, I'm going to figure out how I can release those things - in those specific circumstances. Seed starting begins today. I mentioned the concept of "reclaiming" - like after a divorce or loss, reclaiming certain songs as "mine" instead of "his" or "ours". And Hol suggested it was like cosmetic tattoing - with a dry needle, the artist has to break up the scar tissue and then the skin needs to heal again before the tattoo to cover is applied. And the similarity between that and CBT isn't lost on me. ;)
I could go on some more on self issues and probably will later; better to start with something well-defined and specific first. The self-wounds, I feel, are what makes some people susceptible to co-dependency and choosing the same kinds of incompatible partners over & over.
But whatever cloud I was under is lifting - and it's sorting out.
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Outstanding.
I think this level of insight into how you tick (or clank) is outstanding, Amber.
And regardless of how the future shapes itself, it will always be good to trust that work. The inner work.
Squashing the inner punisher before it gets out more than a hiss.
Everything you wrote is my challenge too, in different forms.
It's heartening to read about B's understanding, the way he responds (and doesn't).
I'm feeling really good for you. It would be so nice if life weren't an FFFFing learning experience with so many of the FFFFFing lessons needing endless revisiting, but I guess once one accepts it's just the way life is, it gets easier to wade into the next wave of...stuff. Same seawater. Different wave.
(My endless lesson is not being so deeply drawn to intense and sparkly personalities that later, and predictably, turn out to be -- surprise? -- very narcissistic. You'd think I would have GOTTEN it by now....)
hugs
Hops
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This long "courtship" actually is a benefit, in that I'm sharing in his personal experiences at a fairly intimate level and can see for myself (without as many of the sparkly butterflies) how he really deals with things. And vice versa of course. And there's the benefit of not being emotionally involved at a sexual level most of the time, too - because that can mess with one's judgement in subtle ways. At least, I've found that to be more or less true in the past.
Given the fact it's been awhile since either of us have had a relationship - and have the usual baggage from the last ones - things like this can come up in the "neutral zone" to be talked about and worked on.
These are real things for me. Not just optimistic positivity for the sake of putting that big smile on my face & faking it.
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That makes sense, too.
I've long been a believer in the value of taking things slowly and developing them over time. Because if something's important enough to change your life in a massive way, it's important enough to build a foundation slowly and carefully. I completely agree.
In hindsight, I see that the whirlwind, all the hyperbole, and the intense pursuit by M was, as it really always is (was the same with husband #2)...a red flag. Excitement over insight won the day for too long.
I'm glad you feel this good about it, Amber. So hope things coalesce and soonish.
hugs
Hops
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Me too Hops. Me too.
Meanwhile, I'm going to try to make some more progress on my internal crap and because planting/growing is one of the triggers, it's a perfect time to shift out of the just doing it for the fun of it, then find myself unable to deal with the resistance, to the more intentional level of working at it. This is what "I WANT" and this is what it entails... and I don't have to make myself vulnerable to the old crap I've lugged around about it anymore. I really DON'T want to do that.
Since one of the other triggers is abandonment issues, I'm hoping to perhaps see where I can erode the underpinnings, lever that boulder loose... make some change there too.
Meanwhile, I am still committed to waiting on B; loving "us" the best I can in these circumstances - and while it's no secret I want more & different - accept that if this is ALL we're allowed by the universe, it still matters and is important. There have already been benefits for both of us. The tendency to impose my design/definition of "what things should be" often gets in the way of me seeing the things that ARE, that are valuable and precious.
There just might be some subtle conditioning going on that convinces people that relationships HAVE to be difficult, worked on like a complex "job" - instead of simply being accepted for what it is, enjoyed, and learned through understanding of the partner, and of course, reciprocity. And for me, and what I've observed in Hol's comments, is that this is extra, unnecessary stuff layered on TOP of what's already there... and actually distracts from seeing ALL that's there.
EVERY relationship is different from the next and not just in "type" - friends, parents, children, etc - and trying to match some conditioned pattern; a set of expectations in essence; in any given one makes for dissatisfaction, fear/anxiety, scorekeeping, suspicion, mindreading, feelings of injustice... and on & on. Not everything is going to be Cinderella Happily Ever After... in ANY relationship. Ups and downs; personal space & distance; and the return of the high tide are all normal rhythms. It doesn't necessarily follow that whenever old triggers pop warning flags it means there's a relationship threatening issue that requires an ending or even a pause.
Sometimes those warning flags are (for me) that there is an old issue I haven't resolved yet because in a previous relationship one of us DID end it. We didn't face it, talk about it, try to understand ourselves, each other... and give each other some slack for being human. We didn't bother trying to change - or try to. It gets harder to do that the older we are -- we're told. But my experience doesn't agree with that. Certain kinds of work/changes are much EASIER for me now, than when I was younger and juggling so many different things.
Eh... I'll post progress reports as there's progress. Meanwhile, physical work calls - and so does a cat who wants in.
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So well expressed. It's wonderful how you can accept and value what is, without being disabled by yearnings for what you hoped could be. Test of maturity and you pass with flying colors.
I still battle it some. At times a lot. But I'll say more over on the R thread.
Thank you for sharing all this, Amber. It's deeply thoughtful and also brave.
hugs
Hops
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Eh. I feel like I'm getting to old to just play life so safe, I never have any fun. I do push myself on "work" projects plenty. (Furnace is just going to get replaced so it's it's one less "untimely" crash & burn/replacement or keep fixing it project. Rough estimate was a lot less than I'd expected.)
Today is struggle/explore/adventures with resistance day. My current workout is focused on core exercises - and sadly, I'm at the point I have to work up to the recommended minimum reps, so that's what I'm doing. Added some hand weights for upper back, shoulders, etc too... it's only a few minutes out of my day that I'd end up spending passively sitting on my butt. But I can tell already its helping.
And I MUST get the dirt ready - or at least find out if it's dry enough - to do the hand work in pulling out the big rocks. I'm getting some serious rock piles along the creek; probably not too smart because snakes like rocks. The rock removal and fine handwork on the dirt has to happen before temps get to the 80s. It was turned over last year, so it may not take quite as long this go-round. Plus I know my towing radius, too.
There is a shift in the equanimity at the Hut, between those two. The imbalance of reciprocity (for Hol) and lack of ability to communicate (S) - even on projects, nevermind feelings - has kinda pushed her to the edge of her patience & compassion. And his juvenile retaliation/responses to her seeking companionship elsewhere - primarily with me - which of course is blamed on her seeking said companionship... well, it's gone just a tad too far. She's in charge of dealing with that and I've done as much as I can - till she hit the point of realizing that he's been made far too comfortable - without being asked for much in return. She's accepting that he doesn't WANT to change; and doesn't care how lonely SHE is within the relationship and doesn't think it's unfair. :rolling eyes so hard I'm looking out my butt again:
I've told her there's a limit to how much I'm going to listen while she talks all this out for herself, because all of it makes sense to me and her feelings are valid. It's time to decide and take action. Which is where she gets stuck. It's hard. I know. It's obvious to me, that as he's said - he's no good at relationships, because he doesn't even have a relationship with himself. I've never seen anyone run away so intensely from their feelings; put so much effort into it. Maybe it's real trauma. Maybe it's mental illness or a PD. The takeaway fact is, he doesn't want to change the way he is. Ball is in her court. And its so so hard for her.
So is the physical work I've focused on this year. :D
Mom leads by example when nothing else hits home. The mommy-lectures have been going in one ear - ruminated on - and out the other, for so long none of this worries or surprises me. It's just tedious. Boring. She knows, too. So ONE of us has to get busy doing work around here... or nothing will get done.
Action generates more action.
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Ahhh. I get it.
YOU are ready for H & S's situation to change:
It's time to decide and take action.
But, Hol isn't. She will be when she is. It's HER timeline. (I join you, pulling out another fistful of mama-hair. Ow.)
It's good to hear you ready to change all the lecturing and listening and analysing, which has hit its ROI limit for you. Doesn't mean you'll cut her off or shun her.
You'll keep caring of course because you love her to bits. But your own focus is re-shifting to taking care of YOUR land, YOUR life, YOUR dreams.
Good for you! This sound so healthy.
hugs
Hops
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This "taste" of spring is all it is - next week we go back to highs below 50 again. Yesterday, I got the whole big bed plowed - twice - to break up the clumps. The two of them started constructing a "duck hut" - so we'll have 3 "bird-o-miniums": Geese, ducks & chickens. Geese are already laying eggs. Today is going to be warm enough for shorts & flipflops.
At the end of the day, she remarked that he wished they'd gotten more done; it's 2/3s there - and she had noticed that they work well together. My only comment was "maybe you need to do more projects together". The good weather IS opening up possibilities for all of us to do more fun - and physical - things. The main thing it's different things that we did all last year.
The dirt I worked up yesterday was drier than what I worked last May. I was surprised I got so much done - but I have experience now with my tow-behind equipment and know the tricky turns to do the best job. Derocking for big stuff and getting out as many of the big roots (that I kept getting the plow hung up on) will happen next - then I'll run the disc over it from all four directions - and then it's all hand tool work. Meanwhile, since the temps are cooling off the early plants will get seeded this weekend. That's usually broccoli, cauliflower & brussels sprouts; I think I might add leeks to that too. Garlic, onions will come from purchased sets. And I can seed out peas, spinach, & carrots in the kitchen beds soon, too.
Vehicles need washed too; the Ranger definitely is showing it's "workhorse" colors these days. My poor jeep... mud season was unreal. But knees, hips & elbows hurt; Ranger was tired yesterday; and I need to check on how much gas/diesel we have -- I still have some bobcat work to do up here; they've been using it at the hut for a year.
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WOW. It's wonderful, vicariously.
I'm ready to start seeds indoors if that's not too late, and direct-seed a few after I dump more dirt in the veggie beds.
Problem is, as ever, the Damn Back.
KUDOS, Amber!
hugs
Hops
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You sound gloriously engaged in the world you're creating for yourself, Amber. You expand, tweek and dial in your vision as you go, growing stronger, more empowered and sure of yourself.
I hope you have energy left to dance: )
Lighter
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Dance? Maybe not for a couple days - but it MIGHT loosen up the lower back muscles. It was close to 80 yesterday and bright sunshine; I forgot the trees weren't leafed out yet and proceeded to clean out the kitchen beds in shorts & cami. I only managed 90 minutes of that, in the combo of heat/sun.
Note to self: keep working through the cool stretch that's back. Radio weatherman I've listened to for 30 years says there might be snow mixed in with the rain next week.
B had appts all day yesterday - to no avail. In fact, they tried to throw him back to the VA - who sent him to this hospital in the first place, 'coz they don't do the kind of treatment inhouse, that he requires. Next week, he turns the lawyer loose.
He's more than upset; I'm trying to stay detached enough from the emotional side of this to keep practical/pragmatic steps moving forward... it helps calm him down, and when he's not anxioius or upset - his pain levels drop too. Eventually, I'll give in the emotional reality... but we seem to kinda take turns and keep the other one going in the right direction.
Stinky has been getting some porch time outside now. It's kinda funny watching him turn into scaredycat because of all the new smells, feels - and it's where Freddy goes when the door opens. He hasn't wandered off the porch yet and I think I'm reluctant to let him run too free. He is just a very sweet kitty and a total goofball. I THINK Freddy will watch out for him and show him the ropes... but it's hard to know. Some of Hol's kitties are out - except the girls; they have one more appt before they can stay out - but mama is around, and his littermate Peyter. And the couple strays - or perhaps Gladys' cats, pure black tom and one that looks like Freddy's twin - except big green eyes. Both cats will still get fed inside - and be encouraged to spend nights in over the winter - because of raccoons and other varmints that will steal cat food.
Think I'm making my store run today... and see if I put the front door paint down in the other garage. There are several doors need touching up after the dogs have been here. Cold crappy weather for a week? I might even get the toe kicks painted after all. Hee hee.... when I told someone else about that, she said well of course I'd do this because any new person to the house would immediately zoom in on those neglected areas of the kitchen and immediately JUDGE me & my housekeeping skills on the state of my toe kicks.
It's absurdly hilarious, because that's pretty much X marks the spot; a direct hit.
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But I doooooooo judge you, Amber.
If you ever invite me to visit I am wearing white cotton gloves and will get down to inspect your toe kicks even if it hurts my knees!
I imagine they will not only be dusty, but SCUFFED. The horror. Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk....
Back in reality I am so very sorry poor B is in this f***ing torment of a situation. I can't imagine how demoralizing it must be for him. AND you. If only, if only.
[Retiring to curse, mutter, and spit.]
Really. It's just disgusting. Similar to the scary WPost comments I'm reading today about elder care for those who are family-less and can't afford assisted living. I get this kind of fear and believe B is one lucky human. Hope he just brings his broken bits and comes to live with you, soon.
hugs
Hops
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Well, I guess it's time to unleash the legal hounds for B. A nightmare, but he's at the end if his miles long rope, it appears.
I also wonder about going to news channels with his story.....maybe?
A shame....the people running the VA should be forced to feel that shame and correct it, imo.
Tell B I'm praying for him.
Lighter
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I will pass on the commisseration & support youse guys. Yes, he's talked to two local news stations. They haven't run the story yet.
Hops, I'm sorry you're afraid. It's a valid fear, IMO. There are still too many personal anecdotes of horrendous treatment. When did we first start hearing about these stories? 30, 40, 50 years ago? Everything else is being regulated 6 ways to Sunday - why aren't these places? One suggestion, and maybe you've already thought about it - is to designate someone whose judgement you completely trust to be your health advocate. They can be separate from the standard POA. In my case, I've made Hol mine - and her highly qualified trauma RN step-sister as her backup.
I'm still managing to keep myself detached from feelings about the futility of B's situation. So far. He's upset enough for both of us and one of us needs to remain calm and rational. Life keeps happening on top of that stuff - and he feels like he can't catch a break. I don't know if I'd just be in the way or excluded from helping... and until he gets a definite yes/no on the status of active infection (and he has cancelled all the extra scheduled testing - he's been tested for MONTHS in a row and still nothing is being done) he's terrified about giving it to me or someone else and he'll let the lawyer off the leash.
His retirement is complete; just waiting on the checks from pension to roll in. VA status completely updated and complete. This is the last real hangup. And he's damned stubborn about winning - even though I try to remind him that stopping fighting isn't the same as losing - he's not yet ready to give up trying to fight the system. I can't make that choice for him; so I'm either in for the inevitable rollercoaster ride -- or I bail -- or continue taking care of myself with the clear knowledge that his stubbornness might just blow up his whole plan. I rotate through all those places on a regular basis, I think. And I take breaks from it.
Sigh.
The hospital is acting as if antibiotics are a controlled substance. I can't fathom any rational reason for their behavior except one really cynical one - and I get mad everything I "go there". So I won't.
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I hope B has the chance to tell his story in the news.
Further, I hope qualified doctors step up and offer the best possible care, perhaps givibg interviews and opinions about the frightening care B's received. This is important. Everyone should care.
Ya....it feeeels like the VA drags feet, does nothing and half asses delicate medical procedures....like they're trying to scrape B off their expenses, Lord forgive them.
Whatever he chooses, I'll be pulling for him.
Lighter
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Me too, Lighter. Pulling HARD!
Amber, I do have a health care proxy but need to review everything. Plus, I actually want to designate Persons A B and C because at least one will be my age and it can be a tedious job. We don't all have the tidy end where we can just say "unplug me."
(Aphasia and stroke risk talking....scaaaaaary.)
BUT. I'm using your farm stories to inspire me to be present and just focus on spring right now. I spent a ridiculous amount of money today when I went out to the mountains to sit on my poet friend's deck and just breathe. I bought an enormous glazed pot for my root-bound peace lily and know just where it'll go on the patio in about a month. Plus, it is dark PURPLE. Gorgeous thing. Ridiculous too.
Keep on plugging. I'm really sorry there's so much worry about B. I'm glad you use your body to good tiredness and hope those rhythms are keeping you well and strong.
hugs
Hops
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That purple pot was an excellent investment in current wellbeing and future happiness, Hops!! I've been kinda fighting with myself again on permission to shop for myself.
In today's episode of "Another Day just like Yesterday in the Hills"... the decision of the day is to start seeds or bake birthday cookies for B. LOLOLOL. OH THE DRAMA....
isn't it amazing how little drama there is about the time change?? After all - nobody really cares what time it is, when it matters not what day it is... and we've been doing this for a year or more.
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Well, I got some seeds started and the grow light schedule set... and couldn't find any cauliflower seed. I was sure I had some...
and today will be cookie day. So that tomorrow I can load the jeep with bags of junk mail for the recycling center, mail out cookies at the PO, and make a quick pass for some things at the grocery store.
Waiting on a call back from HVAC salesman about questions I had on my furnace replacement estimate.
Hol went into DC, to help a friend pack to move; meeting friend John over the mtn to catch up with him - and helping another friend & her widowed Dad start to purge his house this weekend. This is more her speed than what's been normal this winter. I suspect there's something else going on too... but until I can get her to sit down and talk candidly, it's just speculation.
Then I think I'm going to sit down with my shopping list and finally get stuff ordered.
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So, I found the cauliflower seed - the day after I bought some more. LOLOL. Hol was saying she preferred broccoli to cauliflower; so do I - but I do like having some variety.
So far:
12 broccoli
6 brussel spouts (already germinated & up)
6 cauliflower
6 leeks
Medicinal herbs come next - and I may order some more too. Can't find things like this locally.
Tomatos & peppers start next couple weeks. Everything else gets direct seeded - and the dirt needs to be worked smooth before that. It did rain on what I plowed, which I wanted - and we had a couple frosty nights too. So it's on to discing and pulling out the big rocks (saving flat ones in a pile for Hol - she wants to build walkways).
I've got two baggies of redbud seeds I collected before moving to the beach. I think I'm going to put them along parts of the driveway and add some around the house... and down the road to the hut. If they grow; great - if they're too old, oh well. But that sounds like a fun thing to do today.
I also need to clean my woodstove and split the kindling for a couple more fires. Furnace gets replaced on the 30th, along with a new AC unit. I decided to rough it last night with no fire. Ooops.
Stinkerbugeater, crawled under the covers with me to get warm. Then, slept downstairs next to electric radiator. I'm feeling positively Norweigan this morning... if I get a shower, I'm going to be drying off in sub-60 temps. Maybe I'll get the house warm first....
Had a good evening with Hol again. We discussed the "cooperative overlapping" communication style, among other things. She feels its the ONLY form of actual communication... LOL. But didn't like that there is an actual label for this. I did some pantry shopping while there - and she got into more decorating choices at the hut. I proved useful there, once again... she wanted to shop for something to store hats & gloves in during the summer and I reminded her, she still has a trunk in the barn. She doesn't even remember what's in it right now. LOL.
And she's trying to set up a multifunctional sewing space downstairs... but that space is rather full as it is. It's the tv hangout space. She had found a honkin' big armoire while the hut was being built for clothes storage but she doesn't need or use it much - she found some great clothes racks on wheels that fit in her walkin closet downstairs. I suggested she move the armoire to the garage "lounge loft" when it's done. During inclement weather or in the winter, she needs her own hangout space when she has friends over. The hut is full just with the two of them and the two big dogs. So we have a thrift/secondhand store out here and she found a really well built Americana classic couch and chair for $25. The old plaid fabric isn't in bad shape. This is one of her absolutely mastered talents - finding things like this for almost nothing. That started the whole theme for her lounge.
She's been collecting cheese graters to wire up as pendent lights... and I suggested moving the armoire to the lounge and turning it into a "bar-moire". It would be good to keep things from getting dirty and has a big drawer at the bottom for even more storage - and it's also good for displaying the kinds of funky tchachki's they collect. She could even get a dorm fridge in it for cold drinks - S's tincture lab will be out there too and he can spend hours working there; drinks would be a plus. It won't have a bathroom - but he needs a sink with running water.
It was inevitable that she filled her hut with too much stuff - she has the same obsessive collecting bug Mike had - so she's in the process of minimizing, because there is MORE to move in. I think I convinced her to stop buying things until she had everything moved - and purged - so she doesn't end up in the same predicament but in the garage, too. LOL. The garage will likely be done in another month. Waiting on windows & doors. Heat/hot water/plumbing is all in place and will be propane fired. And it still needs to function as a garage.
My projects in the decorating realm move much much slower. I enjoy taking my time and adding/removing one thing at a time. Reusing as much as I can to best effect - or just something different. What I have now "works" and that's good enough.
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I'm feeling terminally stupid about something:
I got all excited about starting seeds, seeds arrived, I'd saved up loads of cardboard egg cartons....then realized I don't have enough full sun to do it (can't afford a grow-light setup nor install one by myself). I have one southern-exposure window that means one corner of the kitchen table might do for a few hours a day...the rest of the windows on that side are shaded by an overhang.
The outdoor beds are ready but only about 6 varieties I have (not buying more seed) can be direct sown, which I'll do this week. The rest will be direct sown when it's warm enough, but as ever, my harvest will be weeks if not months later than everybody else's.
:(
Hops
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Everyone experiences that optimism/excitement at the beginning of the season, Hops. First one in the greenhouse gets the best plant selection, etc. And it's still early yet - way early. You're in the same planting zone I am - last frost date avgs about May 15th. So, even though it's technically spring the temps haven't been warm enough, long enough to plant out, as far as I'm concerned. (Lighter is a whole zone earlier & warmer than us.)
Until the night time temps stabilize around 45 the soil won't be warm enough outside to germinate seed. It was 19 here last night. Peas & salad greens are the first things I plant out (onion sets too; garlic goes out in the fall) The only thing I have started now are leeks (another long maturity plant) and all the cabbage family (cole crops). My grow lights weren't terribly expensive; maybe shop around.
I USED to start seeds at a west facing sliding door. And that worked very well, during a solar maximum. We're just starting to swing back from the bottom of a solar minimum - and the frequency of the light, the part of the spectrum the sunlight is generating - just isn't right for germinating these days. It only took a week to germinate my brussel sprouts - I'll have to go water & check today on the broccoli.
So you don't absolutely NEED south windows Hops. You could move your egg cartons around from window to windows - and also start seeds at staggered times, based on that variety's "time to maturity" requirements. So it won't be so many all at once, before you can start exposing them to the elements outdoors. Also - if you start now and use egg cartons (instead of deeper dixie cups) - you won't as much root structure when you transplant.
You can also extend your season with pvc pipe & heavy plastic "cold frames". The ones Mike made for me are sized to fit right over the raised bed and I just used rocks to hold the plastic down - but there are lots of methods; whatever works for you.
Over the years, I've convinced myself that the seasons are shifting away from the calendar/astronomical dates. Garden journals help with observations like this. What I used to do in March - the busiest time - is now shifted to April and the harvest season can span late August, Sept, Oct with sprouts/leeks coming out in November.
My time is getting used right now preparing beds... doing the yard/landscape work; some tree trimming... pruning, etc before the danged no-see-ums emerge. Oh - and some of the brush I'm cutting is among the cliff rocks - and the snakes are still sleeping. I don't work out there from May on. ;)
Need to get my fruit trees, berries & shrubs ordered - go borrow the bobcat back & move some rocks. My firepit area is also going to double as medicinal herb bed... and I'm using the rocks to build sheltered planting nooks.
My ability to "do" outside starts to fade when the temp hits 80 - so I need to rock & roll now.
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Thanks for that question, CB.
Disappointment (in myself) would be the biggest.
Sadness (at not having two reasonably-sized beds of veggies to enjoy).
This year, with the beds so perfectly clean and ready, it would hurt worse, I think.
Some of it is wanting to come back slooooooowly into physical activity after such dangerous sendentaritude and the brain events. Gardening soothes my soul even while it hurts my back.
Amber, your post about seed starting encourages me to at least start a few, and maybe chase the sun indoors a little. Otherwise, there's really no crime in just planting directly when weather conditions are right. It justs means veggies are later than friends' who purchase seedlings. Our hot dry spells in summer up the ante for watering, of course....and that's back to enduring some discomfort.
I have gotten incredibly comfortable with avoiding back pain by staying in bed. (For a year.) It's stupid, as I'm tapioca from the shoulders down now and will have a long and uncomfortable "rehab." I can grow breathless alarmingly easily. I'm going to do it, though. At this point, not to I believe hastens death.
hugs
Hops
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Lord, ((Hops))
Stupid....tapioca...long and uncomfortable.
Whew'boy, that's some judgment you might be better off without, ime.
Stretching in the sunshine can be a pleasure. Warm your muscles up/stretch them before asking more.
Looking forward to gardening stories🌱🌻🌞🐝
Lighter
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I second Lighter's warning about judgement!! It sucks all the joy out of what you CAN do & accomplish. And how much more of a success will it be if the first few weeks of your garden "adventure" - is just moving the egg cartons to different windows and it WORKS?? Stretching is definitely a must-do, too.
How about starting a pot of pansies? for the patio? Those little guys are so hardy & cheerful it'll help cheer you on. Geraniums were my favs; I kept several going over over winter once. Since I was out a couple hours yesterday - I noticed the daffs are up; it'll be a few more weeks before they bloom here.
CB, some years March has been really warm. And it has been possible to start peas & lettuces. I saw that more in the 90s at the first homestead. Then, I lived on a 1/2 acre in town and the gardening challenges were a lot different. My herbs went crazy wild; the veg's not so much. I couldn't grow mold even at the beach. :(
So, I'm still in the experimental stages back "home"-ish. Not quite where the first homestead is. And I'm westside of the mountain now; not east. First year I was so excited - I had all kinds of flats of things and plants coming in - and the 2nd half of March was as cold as Feb. The timing is just going to vary out here - a LOT.
I watch the trees. The wild cherry has had buds for a month already; witchhazel is thinking about blooming. Coltsfoot is up alongside the miles of gravel & dirt road. Hickory buds are big now; and the oaks starting... so it's safe to start seeds. Night time temps are important too - peas/lettuce will go out after the nights are mostly in the 40s. With no leaves on the trees, and the kitchen beds full sun and sheltered from the wind that soil will warm up first. I have a whole bed of raspberries there; they're doing really well.
Even the lilac is going to leaf out soon; roses have started - but the rhododendron buds haven't started greening up yet. So, early days - and I'm waiting. It's been uncommonly dry - which would be great for building; if my contractor was here. Hmmmph. But we're expecting some showers through the weekend, then I can work the big garden bed down some more. Hol needs to help me hitch up the disc - it runs off the ranger's PTO - and I'll need the bobcat back for a few things.
I'm so glad I didn't buy a tractor; it just would've been too big for my steep terrain. And the flatter areas still "lean" too - LOL. They aren't large either - except for the big flat field (maybe 5-8 acres) in front of the Hut to the next ridge. Deer, bear, raccoons, snakes, ravens, weasels (no beaver yet; but there are some in the area), kitty-snack sized varmints... and OWLS. LOTS of owls. Even seen a bald eagle or two off the back deck. And there are bobcat signs, and pack of roaming coyotes. What I haven't seen up here is bunnies. Hol's mama kitty got one at the hut - but that field is all soft good dirt, so that makes sense. Only seen one skunk so far. Most of the property is wooded. I will be starting the planting of what we take for the woodstoves pretty soon; white oak, red oak seem to be struggling and they were an anchor tree out here. Ash borers have nearly wiped out the ash trees. But I have an Elm! and sassafras trees, the witchhazel is scattered around.... and the amount of wild, native herbs is keeping the forager S busy, marking plots. That means we get all kinds of migratory birds too. Things one rarely sees in suburban gardens - but I'm not a very good birder.
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Ah, today I saw a couple bald eagles. I really needed to see them too! The eagles reminded me of that whole symbol of freedom, it sounds so corny and yet sometimes it is so deeply meaningful.
I love gardening, I will have to come back and read more later.
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This whole property has become a therapeutic "making" endeavor, Mouse. While I'm "sculpting" - terraforming - and beginning permaculture areas... and arranging the movable stuff like rocks, taking out some trees... adding more... I'm the "mom" for the land... the steward... and it gives back to me, in peace, produce, shelter and it's my prime relationship; connection to the life force.
I needed a new "purpose in life" to follow all those years of recovery and learning how to live in the world again - post therapy - when I just floated along with the flow. This works for me. Rarely does this place "overwhelm me" with demands for urgent "fixing"... so I can adapt to the right pace, to make the most of uninterrupted stretches of time.
I FINALLY got brave enough to break out the Barbie (battery operated) chainsaw and deal with the poorly placed juniper being swallowed up by the giant yew that was also looking inclined to reach all the way across the driveway to the pond. I dislike juniper, because I'd planted probably 75 ft of rug juniper along the driveway bank at the house we lived in over the mountain. And the neighbor's trumpet vine constantly tried to invade that planting. So I had to weed 3 times a year, to keep it "neat"... and I was losing that battle. I've wanted to cut down those juniper since I moved here. All those "helpers" I guess knew it was a personal thing for me.
:D
I won; but dang, I'm paying for it and I still need a couple more days pruning on the yew and moving the brush piles.
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Yesterday's trip into town was a nice change of pace. Had lunch with my friend - who is already pre-staging her mom's final arrangements (her Dad died a decade ago and she's had some experience with their wishes), picked out & ordered new glasses, finally made a bank deposit and made a couple of small shopping errands. I just didn't feel like trying to squeeze in the grocery store stop - even though there are a few favorite things I can only get there - including chinese take-out. Bradford pears are starting to blossom.
It was on my drive in, that I noticed the brain running through routes, stops, etc and the anxiety that had kept waking me up the night before. It's one of those Mike things; everything had to be planned out ahead of time to the most minor detail on his famous "hunting & gathering" runs. I'd mentioned to Hol I dreaded going into town - and flat out denied it had anything to do with Mike. It took her a few minutes to cease the extreme eye-rolling when later on, I'd told her how I just spontaneously changed "the plan" based on how long I spent talking at lunch- and that my dread was indeed tied to my experience with Mike. I don't feel it makes my first statement disingenuous; I'd not yet had the realization that there was indeed a reason for my avoidance & dislike.
Always following the same streets, making the same turns - as we did for 10 years living there - was initially a comfort. A couple times, Hol rode in with me - and kept suggesting alternate routes that often were more direct and not unduly difficult to accomplish in the crazy traffic in that part of town. I'm pretty sure it's related to anxiety I have about getting lost; not paying attention, missing turns, etc. And I have absolutely no idea where that comes from, but it's a real thing. I completely know my way around this town - first moved there in 1980 and lived there again in 84; and again in '99 for 10 years that time.
Yeah, something's different - I am. I no longer have to abide by the rituals observed when Mike & I did those trips around town. I never went shopping alone when we lived there; he always insisted on driving. There are new stores that have opened that I am interested in visiting - that I still haven't been in since moving back. !!!!!!! I don't even know where the Hallmark store moved to; I haven't been to our small mall - I don't even know if my Belk card is active. There's a new shortcut from that side of town, to the west side direct route back to the farm. Hol found that one.
I know I used to cling to the "old, normal, ritual, routine" for some kind of comforting continuity through all the change that seems to always be going on with me. Part of me understands that sometimes that's all a person has the energy for. But I seem to be feeling a different intrepid energy - curious about, interested in, and hungry for the "new", "different", and outside my usual "druthers". It's definitely transformative energy...
I wonder where it's gonna go this time?? LOLOLOLOL
Buck is in the planning stages for another trip here - including 2nd opinions on his med situation from docs up here. There is one more dept/doc left to release him from care at that hospital. Other parts of that timeline are in the works too. His D will be home from this semester mid-May - then we'll find out what her & her friends are planning for off-campus living next semester... and depending on how soon they plan to move in together (3-4 girls), then the final move for B can be planned & accomplished.
Contractor is supposed to come out & mark for metal shop footers today; start digging next week. We'll see. He's really stretched thin - but, since I have the backhoe here at least he doesn't have to move equipment.
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I'm keeping everything crossed that the next stages of 'Operation Buck' go smoothly, Skep :) xx
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Me too! That really jumped out at me. (Benevolence to B!)
I loved your insight that Ghost-Mike was helping you be fearful of learning new routes, bless'isheart. Great perception! Wowsers. Bravo.
REALLY nice to hear about you venturing into community and enjoying it.
hugs
Hops
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My feet haven't exactly touched the ground the past couple days. Hol remarked I'm positively glowing with good happy balanced strong energy. Still no firm date from B - because he's adjusting to his new reality/freedom from that horrible hospital. That's going to take a little time, since he's spent YEARS fighting this battle.
But I think some of it's sinking in since our communication has hit a deeper, more intimate level. He's definitely happy and that's not been a common experience for him in recent years. When he's happy, I'm smiling & giggly.
My phone has absolutely been blowing up. LOLOL. His D in London, wanted to talk to him about boyfriend issues; he talked to boyfriend too. And then he dropped the bomb on her about me. Once she got over the shock that any woman would have him, after decades alone; that he wasn't planning on finishing his life as a lonely bitter grumpy old man... she was rendered speechless by the fact that us old people still have a pretty fierce interest in sex, too. (Hol's take on that is it's reassuring to know it doesn't just stop with age.) This D is the same age as Hol and has lived in the UK most of her life; her mom is Welsh. She sounds like a firecracker; and I think she & Hol will hit it off. If they ever get to meet. I know she'll meet the younger one some day. I think she's thrilled to have more substitute sister options.
It's positively hilarious. He's said more than once this morning, that he can't stop grinning. There's only a handful of family he speaks to; long dysfunctional history there - but nothing I'm not familiar with. So the college daughter knows; his cousin knows (I speak with him too every now and then) and I'm not sure if he's told his sister yet or not. But given that the remaining wait is shrinking to almost nothing (compared to how long it's already been) it's time and our online friends know - via our usernames.
I've told everyone who matters. And it's now becoming real. Even though nothing is actually changing at this very moment and I have work to do.
Over the course of these two years, we've learned each other's rhythms and approach to normal day to day things. We've discovered that it's easy to talk to each other - even about those personal painful things. Only Hol knows me better than he does - but that's coz she's grown with me over the years. And we're CONSTANTLY talking about things that matter for us. Lately, the topics have gotten less heavy and more fun though. Buck is becoming my closer confidant because of the age difference tween Hol & I; and while it's important to us that we've become more friends than mom & D - it's an inescapable fact. She doesn't need a full-time mom anymore. Her life is her life and that should keep her busy.
And I don't need her to protect me from B or to be jealous about the relationship either. I understand she doesn't know him as well as I do and is reserving judgement. I'm not going to dictate. Everyone's adults here, and can work this crap out for themselves. There are plenty of cooperative projects where we can all work together without invading each other's privacy. It's a natural way for the "newness" to wear off and people to get to know each other.
There is no "plan" - and after the initial adjustment period, farm planning will be a joint affair. Some projects will theirs & ours; some individual projects and the overall plan will kinda write itself.
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Oh, this is JOYFUL, Amber!
So happy to read this, big smile here.
I'm just delighted for you and B.
hugs hugs
Hops
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I'm so happy for you, Amber. And B.
Your kids should be too.
Lighter
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So I have a new furnace & ac unit. I was surprised they got done in one day. Surprised by how long the warranty is too - 10 years on the furnace itself. That's a rarity.
And the footers are dug for the metal shop. Hol's windows are here, for garage - but there was a delay on siding.
And we have a weather delay - raining all day and possibly all night. So, indoor stuff today. No idea what - except for the pandemic procrastination list I've been avoiding. Maybe seed starting. Both kids off the farm today with respective tasks, so I'll have to venture down to hut to give the dogs a chance to go out this afternoon.
An attempt was made at a hen party Sat night - Hol's friend M was here. None of us had enough energy to make a real go of it. It's like we all have a bad case of slug syndrome. But that perforce must change - stuff to get done before B is here and spring is planting time, if we hope to preserve stuff this fall. And that's the plan.
Hol will be gone overnight and maybe bringing her friend Matthew back with her. Haven't seen him in about a year. He's doing OK. Seems to have found a form of stability for himself. S will be back this evening. So I have a guest room to freshen up - S is a bit particular about which of her friends get to stay over.
And we have winter temps returning again next week. So - I feel better about waiting to get seeds started. The grow light setup is definitely working. I've started to raise the light fixtures - but leaving them on for 18 hrs. They're full spectrum LEDs. Should have second set of leaves in a few more days... so I'll plant herbs, maters & peppers next. Maybe some squash, cucumbers (pickles!), and melons too.
My workout - the 15 min one - has turned out to be pretty sporadic. LOLOLOLOL. BUT, I am starting to lose inches and back is feeling stronger, so I need to dedicate myself better to that. Added in some upper back weight moves too. Seems like I drop it when I'm doing outside work and then it takes a few days for me to get back into exercising on the slow days. I was doing stairwork for a week, waiting on the furnace - carrying an armload of wood - and keeping up with the fire up here and the mess. The final upshot of the workout and plain work, is that I just ordered a new pair jeans a size smaller than normal - and I can get them buttoned. So, I do have incentive now - even if the reality is, as Hol thinks, the manufacturers have finagled with measurements and sizes again to accommodate the Covid weight gain theory.
Been watching the Resoration Home series on Youtube; really old British buildings getting serious structural updates to save them - not just redecorating. I got sucked in by the Scottish castle and now I can't seem to get my fill of this for wasting time that could be productive. LOLOLOL.
The Daffodils have started blooming; forsythia turning yellow; and the dogwoods have big red buds on them. So it really is spring - but it's going to be a slow cool one this year. I have to keep on with my outside work before it gets hot, so even though my mood is dampened with the wet cool weather I'm planning on plugging on with the stuff I want done.
Contractor mentioned yesterday he's pretty impressed with Hol's solar setup. I know I need a new roof next year (if I can't get on the schedule before) but then I am thinking about possibly going solar down the road; already have an adequate generator for the system. I need to replace water heaters and decks probably before that...
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Brrrrrrr....is it as cold there as it is here? And windy, omg. The wind last night was blowing the huge oaks around, so loud.
Freezing out this morning, where did Spring go?
Sounds like you're in your zone, Amber. Good for you.
Question: Do you keep your grow lights very close to your seed trays?
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I started the lights out about 6 inches above the pots; each time I check on the progress & water I gradually move them up an inch or two. They're currently "on" 18 hrs a day. Most of my seed is a couple years old; stored properly. I am getting good germination so far. The pot of chives I put in the dining room window are doing nothing. LOL.
Most of my research has concluded that the frequency (the part of the spectrum) of light from the sun, hasn't been conducive to growing. Who knows what'll happen when I transplant? If the frequency at time of year is wrong for flowering or setting fruit/vegs, or for ripening - crops can still fail.
Yes; cold & windy again here. I'm glad the furnace is done; working great so far. And while I enjoy looking at and soaking up the heat of a fire, I'm currently not feeling the extra work involved. I don't think this will last long; next week sounds much more pleasant.
Motivation doesn't seem to be my thing this week. Oh well. It happens.
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Well, it's my turn to stand strong and ready for my friend Debbie. Her mom is in her last days this weekend - whole family is expected Sunday for dinner - so hopefully mom lasts that long.
Hol & I are going groc shopping together, so I'll get her filled in and we can tag team back up.
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Good thoughts to your friend, Amber.
She's very lucky to have you.
hugs
Hops
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Thoughts are with your friend and her family, Skep. I'm sure that spending time with you will be a tonic, even with heartstrings tugging. It's such a sad time when someone passes. Thinking of all of you xx
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Thanks Amazons.
My steadfast friend, is very good at holding down the fort. She's done it for me, a number of times. She has a large family - and there are the usual dysfunctional dynamics at play there too. Not nearly as severe as what we've seen in our time, but still a real thing. I can't step in and substitute for mom; I know from experience that grief is a private personal journey; she has the logistics nailed down... it's the emotional that's getting her right now, and while she THOUGHT she had a grasp on that side of things too... reality begs to differ. And I tend to trip all over myself & get real clumsy trying to do more than just being a shoulder & listening.
One issue that is bugging her, is the denial of the situation by her sisters. I'm sure the whole range of real reasons for it exists in the 5-6 sisters. The brothers seem to her, to be more accepting of the reality. People have that whole continuum of behaviors pushed to the max by death. I remember being absolutely shocked by how Mike behaved - his public behavior would've pleased Miss Manners, but privately he struggled and withdrew even from me. And yes, I remembered that he was 17 and the whole trajectory of his life was altered when his Dad died.
D had been living with, assisting financially, and taking care of both parents. It's been 10 years about since her Dad died; we were both still co-workers at the time. She does have LPN experience and it kinda made sense - but another sister equally qualified hasn't been offering to give D breaks. D is also working a full time job and not getting a lot of good sleep... because mom has been up & down at odd hours. I know just how exhausting that experience is. And what it does to you emotionally too. There weren't too many people I could be 100% real with; Hol took the brunt of most of that. And D has been included in that circle long enough that even Hol & D can do this.
I had a premonition that mom would pass this weekend; D started sending me messages right after that. NO... I'm not opening my mouth. But I am trying to figure out what I can do - even gesture wise - until she's free to come out here and let Hol & I take care of her for a bit. Let her sleep 12 hrs, feed her, entertain her. She mentioned if it were warmer we could sit on the patio & talk... so I will keep checking in with her at least once a day. Maybe twice - but no more than that, so I'm not "something else that has to be taken care of".
Sometimes I think people's fear of death, is really fear of grief. I was way more afraid of grief than actual mortality. Maybe because of how it permanently changed my mom. Even as a child - death was a natural part of life for me. But grief - the terrible all-consuming uncontrollable inconsolable emotion - scared the living crap outta me. It really takes an awful lot of strength to let yourself experience the banshee side of that emotion -- it's not weakness at all to cry & wail. The truth is - most people come out the other side of that intensity more "forged by fire" and more indestructible. Resolute & resilient. It is a tragedy when it breaks someone; but that's not as common as I mistakenly concluded watching my mom fall apart - and like humpty-dumpty not be able to put the pieces back together again.
I think I might just do some local online shopping with same day delivery options... since I would definitely be in the way showing up, with a nurse, hospice & all that family there for Easter tomorrow.
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I think D is incredibly lucky in her friendship with you, Amber, and you cannot set a foot wrong with the caring intentions you've got in mind. "Holding space" for her and not managing it is the best thought that springs to mind. It sounds like mutual trust and loyalty to me, and she sounds like an utterly exhausted caregiver.
I'd imagine simple company and peace will be enormous gifts. I wish I could sit in the sun with you both. Reminds me of when M asked me to come help the sudden-widow when his colleague died. I invited her on a walk to the big meadow if she felt like being in nature (she practically leapt out the door) and just followed wherever her thoughts were going; didn't offer many of my own. Figured I didn't need to offer anything specific other than caring presence and kindness about her sorrow. Oddly, the biggest reassurance was to say very gently that I thought it'd be okay for her to have him cremated here before returning to England. (She'd been fretting intensely over disobeying the plan he'd left. I offered to ask my attorney, since legal compliance was worrying her as much as respecting his wishes -- I did and it was fine, gave her peace of mind. Also told her he'd never imagined dying suddenly in another country and wouldn't want her stressing. It's really for the living, after.)
Anyway, what I hear is you feeling a bit anxious over doing it "right" and I think you are BEING right. Just loving her and being present to and for her is a lot and is enough. With the shared history you have, she'll already know you're there for her. Invite her to come when she's ready; she'll know you mean it. I often read that what helps most people is not a blanket "tell me when you need something" but checking in periodically (twice a day might be a lot) and sometimes doing specifics. Doing them rather than discussing or creating detailed dialogue about them. (You're a respecter of boundaries so you'd never do anything intrusive -- trust your instincts about what might be helpful...space or engagement, stay present, avoid a PLAN.)
Hope that helps.
Hugs
Hops
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You're a good friend, Amber. I'm sure D is comforted by your being there for her. Waiting with tea and clean cotton blankets.
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Well, for right now - I'm just dropping a quick "hello- how are you today" message. Our quick text convos are support oriented; she's got her emotions back under control for the moment and her mom seems to be hanging in there for a bit more time.
Next week, I'm going to probably have some food delivered or something like that - just to simplify a couple days meals for her & her brother. She'll have plenty of leftovers from today's family gathering.
She probably hasn't even thought about getting her garden going yet. I should have plenty to transplant soon and can share. Hol is thinking of ideas too. Just things to "do" that streamlines taking care of herself & mom too.
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That sounds perfect to me, Skep. Just knowing someone cares enough to think of you, check in and just generally do the 'mum' stuff - I think that helps anyone in a situation like that. Anything that means one less thing to think about is a blessing, I think xx
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Well, her mom is hanging in there. For now. Deb says she's a little confused on some things; saying she's Debbie but also HER mom, kinda thing. There is only one way this ends, and bless her, Debbie is holding up pretty good. It really is a letting go.
Meanwhile, adventures with vehicles just had another episode. S took the pickup into town for bird feed. Just before he got there the new brakes he'd replaced locked up on him. So, Hol drops everything to run rescue in the pontiac ('77 or '78, I think). She got to the edge of town and the car overheated. LOLOL. So they did some grocery shopping at Walmart, flushed drained & replaced radiator coolant and had an impromptu parking lot picnic - managed to get birdfeed and back home. She always carries tools in her car & knows how to use them - mom drillled that into her when her first car was a 60's Olds Dynamic 88. Truck was towed back here, so S can figure out what he did wrong. Buck has a suggestion; the most common thing he's seen. But advice isn't free this week; so they'll have to ask for ideas before I offer. Besides; most of my ideas get shot down as silly. :P
And Buck is experiencing all the joys of fledging a young'en out into her own life. Replete with interference, misrepresentation, and malicious game-playing from the ex and D's Bio-mom. It was definitely a 2 part very melodramatic mini-series, but I woke up yesterday with all the clear sight into unravelling the most irritating parts of it and the words with which to re-engage his better self. As of now - it's all cleared up, sorted out, he and D are now on the same page and she just learned a very important life lesson. No boundaries were violated between B and I, but we DID dive into the parenting process together for a better resolution of the issue. Negotiating experience was had, all around. (It's too long of a story to get into the he said, she saids... just a significant relationship shift, that went well.)
The tendonitis in my left arm has decided it doesn't like my outside work plan. But I can't sit around and wait for it to heal up; that takes weeks. And it's going to be HOT today before it cools off enough for me to push myself outside. Might see if Hol will give me a hand hitching up the disc - that's not physically taxing on my arm. Then that's another step to being ready to plant in a couple more weeks.
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Stupid tendonitis. I didn't do any of the above. Been doing all the usual symptom management; trying to supply REST for the arm and TIME. It's amazing how much we do, that we need both hands for.
Meanwhile, entertaining my brain with history & archeology.
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Sorry about the tendonitis, Amber. I stupidly reimbursed my shoulder moving boxes of tile. It's oddly difficult to allow others to help with jobs I used to perform easily w/o trouble and you're so right about how often we use both hands.
I hope you can rest long enough to heal. It's hard to do, I know.
Lighter
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I hope that clears up soon, Skep, did you do something to it or is it one of those things that just flares up sometimes? I can't imagine you sitting still :) But hope that the history and archeology help keep you occupied. I was watching a show about a team that found an ancient neolithic site that had been buried for thousands of years; it amazes me that people can look at the ground and see where things might be hidden. They were explaining it all but I still couldn't see what they were seeing, even with a computer graphic on top lol. Hope you feel better soon xx
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I'm working on it; it is a bit better after 2 days of only doing what HAD to be done. I'm tempted to blame the flare on yard work, 3 weeks ago... but the truth is I don't know.
And with all this time to think (as in overthink) I've wondered, since this is on the same arm that I've had shoulder issues ever since Twiggy's days - whenever I'm doing some serious stress/emotion processing - if there isn't some psychosomatic aspects to it. I am definitely worrying a bone lately that I haven't spoken of yet. Still writing it out, getting it coherent, checking in with myself to see if I'm just trying to manufacture a problem where none really exists.
Deb's mom is in the last stages this week; talking about "going home" a lot and mistaking Deb for other people who've been long gone. D took this week off from work to be with mom constantly. Hol & I are brainstorming ideas... but I don't want to interrupt her time now. Every second is important. Maybe after... on the other hand - Hol is willing to even go hands on, so D can have a bubble bath.... sit outside in the sun... whatever.
And Buck is wrapping up his situation; still planning a trip first to deliver a load and then the final move. We haven't talked since the situation with his D but he feels like it was successfully resolved and D understands his feelings in the matter too. And that's a real relief; I kinda felt like I was butting in - but someone had to step into the mom role, in a POSITIVE fashion and see through some of the mind-games & triangulation his Ex was using to make a "situation" out of what is a normal fact of life with young adults, as they gain experience and change directions. Let me know if there's a diplomatic opening that needs filling... LOLOLOLOL... I'm kinda pleased with how that worked out and avoided a lot of misunderstanding and hurt feelings all around.
So I HAVEN'T been able to tackle more dirt/garden work under the circumstances... there is a lot of vehicle work that needs doing on all our equipment... we were gifted a very pretty chicken and her peeps; one looks like it might be a rooster - and the bird flock in that field is really increasing. S has been culling some of the drake ducks and they're perfecting smoked duck on the grill. Morels are coming up too, with the recent rain.
So, big life changes again. And maybe that's more than enough for my arm to act up since I don't really have a lot of control over things. I get to say what I want; I can ask for & get help with some things I can't do myself; and I'm trying pretty hard to not imagine/visualize what these new changes are going feel like. So those long videos, in a calm and pedantic voiceover are great for filling downtime. I get to see places without the inconvenience of travel, learn something, and even when going back over stuff I already know pretty well (King Arhur legends, for instance) I get a refresher boost of memory juice on things that have been stashed in some far corner of my brain, while I've been busy "doing".
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It does sound like a lot going on, Skep, and I hope some of it settles into place - even poor Deb's mum. I can only imagine how it must be to know the end is close and to just be waiting for it to happen. So difficult. But I'm glad Buck is a step closer to sorting out the next step and yep, I definitely get some griping in my shoulder when 'stuff' is going on - maybe as things clear in your head your arm will feel better too. The new chicks sound very cute :) xx
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Thanks Tupp! I'm trying to focus on Buck for awhile. Feel the good feelings (which I had to put down for all intents & purposes), just to keep propelling myself forward; my tendency to linger in those feelings and permit daydreaming makes me susceptible to "conditional thinking". In other words, "when Buck gets here.... fill in the blank". Instead of doing it now, knowing it will make things easier when he gets here and still feeling the good feelings about it all - minus the wasting of time imagining what we'll do. That also sets up expectations that will just get in the way of enjoying our time together.
News on the covid at the shop; most of the office staff are vaccinated and several in the shop as well. Those who were ill recovered - and the VP has "turned the corner" his wife says, though he's very easily fatigued still. No one else has fallen ill.
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I'm glad everyone is recovering at work, Amber. Did you say you're getting vaccinated, or not?
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Both Hol & I are on the fence on the vaccine. Not dead set against it - but wishing for more information. It's not stressful for us to be more isolated from the "general public" than many people... and we KNOW for SURE that works (so far; knock on wood).
I don't take flu vaccines either. There is an aspect of "false sense of security" and complaceny - "I won't get it, so if my habits get lazy, it's OK" - that both she & I are prone to, and because of the cautions for women in their (potential) chlldbearing years she's pretty anxious about trade-offs and unclear risks.
Our introvert tendencies are actually a plus for us in this situation. Ha! I've even seen articles about introverts stressing out over having to interact socially again. I can relate to it, for sure. If she stops leaning against going back to work in the film industry - a strong inclination at the moment, for many reasons - then she'll need to get vaccinated. Same for S, if he's going to go back to work. As usual there's no indication of what he might be thinking about on that topic - to her, at any rate.
I'm growing exceedingly weary & irritated of/at the mask when I go out but when I'm visiting a place that can have people coming through from all over, I still do it. And with list in hand, I seldom dawdle or browse - I go to what I know I want/need and get out. That's also an older habit for me; shopping isn't a social activity for me. But it can be a week to 10 days; sometimes 2 weeks, before I go out even locally. Over the mountain trips are still only about once a month. And would be - even if there wasn't a virus going around.
Lots of places I like in that state but that particular city has always rubbed me the wrong way for some unspecified reason. I am very jumpy when in town. Hypervigilant. There are even more people at the beach in the summer - but it never had that effect on me. So it's not the size of the population. And it looks like an artsy, university small city... to the tourist; quaint; but appearances can be deceiving.
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I'm really glad things have settled down at the shop, Skep, without anyone having a worst case outcome, it seems. That's a big relief. I need to work on the conditional thinking as well! There's a line, I think, between a bit of comforting fantasy time (it just livens the day up a bit) and spending too much time in the 'I'll do it when x happens' situation. It's a difficult balance, I think.
I do understand how you feel about the vaccines; I've got a couple of friends who are off grid, isolated and haven't really noticed the pandemic because they have so little contact with people anyway it's not really made much difference. They're outdoors most of the time and if they're in any kind of shop or social situation it's for essentials only, even under normal circumstances. So they've both said they'll not bother (one of them said to me that he's got more chance of falling off a roof or out of a tree than he has of catching anything and that makes sense to me). We're in a much more built up area so I was relieved when we both got ours (although we've only had our first shots so far) but we're still staying home as much as possible - I don't want to be the one that finds out the vaccines don't work :) I've enjoyed avoiding people for the most part; there's a couple I've missed but really not many. I hope the good feelings about Buck are continuing to happen :) xx
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Oh yes... good feelings about Buck are a continuous thing for me, right now. Even though he's been taking odd jobs here & there to make some cash for finishing up projects... all part of what needs done to get here. It means I don't hear much from him.
Deb's mom passed on Thursday. She didn't sleep great but the next day she and her brother went out to pick up a shopping order -- and she said she wanted a big mac; comfort food. :) They have really been tied down at home a lot between covid & one of them always needed to be there for mom. I'm sure it felt weird to be able to just "go" on a whim - but it also has to be a relief. Last night she invited herself out here for a few days at the end of the month. Usually there's a big festival in town that weekend (cancelled last year; think it was the first time ever) and I'm getting conflicting info if it's happening this year. So it's traditional that a lot of people make plans to be out of town that weekend. She hasn't been out to visit (and rest) for more than an overnight, in a year and a half; maybe more. It was tough to have "old lady time" with Hol & S, and the various friends here.
Hol has Beltane activities planned for that weekend anyway... so Deb & I can just do our own thing and maybe we'll make the bonfire gathering - depending how late it is. We can just drive right down to the field in the ranger.
No dates yet from Buck when he's coming up. He needs to meet Debbie, since she's part of the phamily and will be around a lot more now, once all the formalities are over with. And then, it's anybodies guess what she'll do. But I think another time to introduce them, might be better. Buck and I have a lot to talk about; plan; etc. First load of block for the metal shop showed up Friday.
My arm isn't a lot better, so I've moved up to a more rigid brace.
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Amber:
I hope Deb is comforted by her time with you. The fire sounds just right.
I can feel Buck's momentum as he checks tasks off his distant list. I know he's a taskmaster with exceptional intestinal fortitude. That he arrives in the best possible health is my hope. Sometimes we need help, but can't or won't allow it. I get there's some drama around the ex, so I get it, but it would be a shame if B's health suffers....nit that you won't help his healing journey when he finally arrives.
How are B's medical issues going? I've missed recent updates if you posted them.
You sound great.
Lighter
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Thanks Lighter - I don't always feel great; still struggling with energy to do issues - this week was pollen; hopefully that recedes soon as most of the trees have leafed out. Just the pine mess to get through, another week or so. Rainy, chilly, gloomy days still too. Then the irasciable wrist. :rolleyes: I can't exactly cook and do dishes with brace on.
Buck's been released from all his docs now. Still some VA appts, but those are in-house std things - vision, hearing, bloodwork... he has paperwork & documentation in to DOD for approval for a 2nd opinion, another one, as requested from his lawyer. Not sure if it's going to charge negligence or malpractice... but that is also moving along. Those 2nd opinions will come from docs local to me. He is doing better physically than I am, at present, it seems. But he has a tendency to overdo it and like all of us, pays the price. Knock on wood, since his legs have cleared (my tinctures & cream & the hospital's silver bandages worked) there hasn't been a recurrence of the meningitis. That suggests the infection is being overcome by his immune system at this point.
The man is irrespressiby cheerful, compared to his previous demeanor. His D is home from her first year in college in about 3 weeks. Then, she probably isn't returning. Long story; some of it like the experience Mouse talked about; the school is not what it was advertised to be and not a good fit for her. She'll try to find an apprenticeship position and possibly live on her own with roommates. The housing market is going bonkers where he is and I need to have him go over his fix-it list again, because he doesn't have to make it perfect. Not with developers buying up the older subdivisions for ticky-tacky new houses. But if he gets too impatient (that's beginning to be noticable) he does have backup plans.
Stinky is spending some time outdoors almost every day now. Learning the space and just how much of it there is. He still wants to be in at night; poor guy is all worn out from his adventures! ;)
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There is a sound in the trees, that sounds like it's raining.... but it's not. I think it's the 17 yr cicadas waking up from their long nap. Clouds of pollen blowing off the trees in the breeze, too...
Finally got the garden disc'd; seedlings have been out a couple nights - temps turned mid-summerish for a few days here. That disc is HEAVY; and with my tendonitis flare... even with Hol's help... we struggled. But we did it. I'm more than a month ahead of where I was last year. Temps go back to normal spring range tomorrow.
Buck has another recurrance of meningitis; picks up D from college Friday.
Hol & S have begun cutting tree trunks to length for building raised permaculture beds. He's also been on the bobcat a lot, moving many of the trees around... for berms, bonfires, etc. The shop now has 6 ft tall corners; waiting on more block. Windows are in; insulation is here for for Hol's garage; interior plywood ordered (and the prices!! have doubled); siding's ordered.
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Lord, you are in production mode, Amber! I can't even think about planting 1 tomato plant this year. Can't wait to hear how your garden does.
Good to hear the shop is com I,g along, but sorry B has meningitis flare up? It's always there, but sometimes his immune system handling ut? Sometimes, not so much?
I hope he gets to you soon. I have this vision of you healing him with herbs and the compassion missing from his life for too many years.
How's your tendonitis doing now? I have a ton of LVP to load into truck today. I hope I can get some help so I don't mess up my healing shoulder. It hardly tweaks. It's difficult to look at a job needs doing and not jump in.
Lighter
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No tendonitis isn't that much better. Except for the struggle to hitch up the disc, all I did was drive around in circles yesterday. Right now, Bayer Back & Body aspirin and changing pillows are my remedy, along with wearing a stiff wrist brace... sometimes. It's hot and aggravates my bony wrist - and makes it difficult to control car's steering wheel without a palm grip.
Heat wave was a bit of a factor too. Just got back from major shopping trip over the mtn w/Hol - who is either getting hit with allergies worse than previously, or still having a reaction to the vaccine. I am trying to work outside when the temp is below 80 because the heat turns me into a limp noodle. I got started soon enough; I'm a month or more ahead of last year. I think I'm going to have to turn the a/c on... and then just wear warmer clothes when it turns cooler again.
I jumped into this thread this morning to find out when I'd last posted re: meningitis. B & I couldn't remember how long it's been. It had been a monthly recurrence - like clockwork; I think it stretched at least 6 weeks till the next one this time. The thought crossed my mind, that the simple fact that someone cares and TRIES to help has some therapeutic value but I don't place a huge amount of faith in that. (Hence, Skeptical) The fact the oral antibiotics overlapped the beginning of the tincture therapy (and tincture amplifies A/B effect; this specific herb does, at any rate) probably has more to do with it.
He has been a lot more physically active in the past couple months - and over-doing it somedays too. I understand his pushing his limit has to do with increasing capacity - but at his age, you've simply got to accept that you're going to give up some strength & stamina. There is a range of balance between resigning oneself to the recliner and trying to do what you did at 40. I know because I'm trying to find my own. I can have the occasional "come hell or high water" get it done days - but only one a week max. Add too many "degree of difficulty" variables and I simply don't have the oomph.
It seemed as though he got his fever down faster this time. But I haven't gotten an update yet today. Typically, it means he's down for the count for 3 days and feeling better on the 4th. This is day 2 and I know he had various appts today, so he's running around too.
We've had some back & forth over me withdrawing some (to focus on getting my goals here accomplished for one thing) and because I'm feeling like I'm losing patience, interest, and faith that he'll really be here some day. I feel needy and clingy even expressing that frustration. But it is what it is - and he does hear me out as well as try to reassure me that he's doing all he can to "make it so". I am also aware of the "darkest before the dawn" phenomenon, so the best I can do is keep plugging away at my goals here (found wide mouth canning lids today!!) and maintain open communications... and bear with it for some time longer. I'm just sensing there might be an expiration date to my patience, since I don't have any illusions of being a patient person in the first place.
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Amber:
I don't know about your pain, but hitching up a disc would likely set my shoulder back to healing.....day 1. Again.😳
Just not worth it for the type of injury I' m getting over. Maybe yours is different. It's difficult to ask for help with things I've always done, but shouldn't now, maybe.
When I think about B tying up loose ends, I see a man maximizing value, minimizing potential for trouble and doing things as he does....
His way, bc it feels right and doing it another way might undo him a bit.
I'm sure you've taken all that into account and given him enough truth to competently weigh out and balance his timeline, closing up an old life and starting a fresh one with you.
I know some men would drop everything and run into a new situation with every problem and mess in tow.
It's a double edged sword, isn't it? I'd likely be equally impressed and...and..heartbroken.
Yes. Heartbroken, bc I'd have done everything differently when I met my lively Bill. I did everything "right" in the situation. Waited for his 2 year divorce to end, which meant letting his unstable ex-w have control of our timeline. He gave her everything to get OUT of divorce court and start a new life. I wish I'd let him finish that in his own time. I wish I'd started the new life with him much sooner, faster....grabbed him and ran for all we were worth in the shirt time we had together.
There's no time to be wasted....is how I see it now. My point is....we all have ways of doing things "right."
If B knew you had 2 years only left together, would he prioritize his loose ends and stuff over being with you?
I would never have insisted the divorce be final. B was trapped in divorce court by someone movingvthe goal post every time they reached agreements. Ex did not want that divorce.
I see it clearly now. I wish I could have seen it then. It's interesting to note, I was still treated like a homewracking trollop at Bill's funeral.....Aunts commented on my "bravery" for showing my face.
I didn't wait for them, I waited for my own sense of dignity.
When B talks about what he's finishing up....what are the words he uses? Is it about adding value? Maximizing profits? Making sure his ex can't touch your life together? Is he enjoying touching everything he owns, organizing it, filing it, etc.....bc it feels good and right? Is best for his dd?
Where's the balance? I can't find any balance there, Amber....not from my perspective.
I wonder what B's perspective IS. He surely understands finite time on this earth. With his health problems...maybe he understands something I don't. I'm not saying he has the math wrong. Maybe he's doing trig while I'm doing simple addition.
What dies he say when you express the darkness and fear about waiting?
Lighter
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He says he feels the same way, Lighter. And that usually leads to him overdoing some heavy physical work that he should pace himself on. IME.
Thing is, what I feel isn't conditional on what he does/doesn't do - within ANY timeframe. I know that sounds cryptic. But that's something I've come to, and try to maintain for myself because I know what a physical drain it is to sort & purge, decide, decide, decide what to keep and decide again... rinse & repeat... years of one's life. And I did it without the massive time suck of multiple medical appts at the behest of someone not me. Without kids technically "still at home" to keep an eye on. Hell, I'm still sorting & purging here from the last move.
When I express those feelings - it's not from a place of helplessness or victimization. I've told him I feel real needy & clingy just telling him about those feelings. Through that contradiction... I come to, OF COURSE I want him here NOW. I could pamper him, help him continue healing, and he could help me too with so many things. So it's an acknowledgement, essentially. The waiting IS hard. Without him right here... it feels like this is a still to be realized "relationship"... until we live it day in, day out; no matter how much we talk and reveal about ourselves. And I'm the one who insisted we'd go through this part of coming together - no strings attached. Leaving both of us free to say "enough" and do something else. It's not even a part of his head space; nor mine. No desire to do anything different. We want what we want; we work toward it; and we wait.
I haven't pushed hard on the commitment button. It's either there or it isn't. Same for me. I want what I want - just the way it is. And yeah, it's hard for me. But I'm not even entertaining doing anything else with someone else. It's just not something I would do. Even surreptitiously; hedging my bets. The commitment part was settled the first time he was here on a level that shocked both of us.
His divorce was done years ago. All that's left is splitting any proceeds from the sale of once shared home. And he's said he's not all that attached to his half. Then there's the lawsuit regarding the infection - responsible for this continuing meningitis. He will be asked to testify, because he has 4000 pages of medical history, with dates and names, in his head. It's been the totality of his reality until I butted in & made him pay attention to me. ;}
Yeah, getting his D solidly fledged from the nest concerns him. But he's made some progress in letting go his role of omnipotent protector. This first year has been big steps forward and a little one back... and he didn't let his parental ego trump his excellent brain. And yes, I butted in there too, because I walked that road with mixed results. Some days it feels like I'm still walking it with Hol around.
And she did help me hitch up that cussed but essential time-saving, back saving disc. It weighs about 300 lbs and she did a lot of the heavy lifting with my help. Lifting doesn't bother my arm, it's the little complex movements involved in rinsing a dish or glass under the spigot, pulling the seatbelt around me in the car... all hand related. I know what needs to happen to make that easier; her suggestion would work too. But it's always gonna be a pain unless we hook it up to something and LEAVE it hitched.
It's an exceedingly gloomy day here today; overly warm & humid. But I think I prefer this to tomorrow's forecast of 50-60 mph winds.
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When you write about not being a victim....nothing is contingent on B's arrival...you aren't waiting for him...
I feel a disconnect from my vantage point.
I feel perched far away, down the road, where everything ends with B and in too short time, bc that's my experience with a amazing relationship I didn't know would end so soon.
Having wasted years fighting in courts, bc I was forced to, it's the same. We trade years of our loves for a pay off.
I'm closing in on 60. Maybe this is my own journey poking into your path....I think about my next, perhaps last chapter. I want it to count. I recovered after B died, but I don't know what I'd feel at this stage, bc life no longer feels like forever.
It feels finite and I'm fine with finite. What I'm not fine with is wasting it on legals.....or negative people who want to waste my time for their own purposes.
And I'm not suggesting drop the lawsuit or give everything to B's ex. I'm suggesting perspectives are very different from this tree, up ahead on the path.
Honestly, B seems some kind of special forces indestructable at this point, but my tree knows better.
Regrets. That's what I see from my tree.
Avoidable regrets.
I don't suggest I have solutions, bc I don't. I'm suggesting things we look back on.....and would have changed, had we known time would be so short.
I think I just had an epiphany, of sorts, myself. Maybe there's nothing in my posts for you, Amber. Maybe they're for me.
Not sure, but I understand having to strap my arm to my side to stop all thise little motions you speak of. In my case, my shoulder gets better. It sounds like yours is chronic and I'm so sorry to read that.
You get stuff done and keep us updated. It's an exciting time on the farm.
Lighter🚜
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Hey - cool if you came to a choice that's different than mine, by walking thru this rambling discussion. I myself go back & forth a bit - some days aren't a problem; some I swear I can't take another day of waiting - then that day passes. It seems like it's my ability to handle the wait that varies, day to day.
Fortunately, I get no whiff of fear of commitment, game-playing, or plain old waffling or stalling from him. It just takes as long as it takes since he can't put forth the effort he could've done before he was injured. I suspect there might be a good bit of processing the past going on too, for him, as he cleans out stuff from the last 20 years. And it's likely a good thing he does that processing before he's here.
Hopefully, we're down to just a few months max, of wait now.
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Do you feel like you are with Buck even though he's not there, Skep? I only wondered as I was reading your posts because I know how close I feel to you guys on here, even though I've never met any of you, and I've not seen my best real life friends for nearly two years now - but I feel close to them and feel like they're part of my life all the time. I just wondered if you felt that with Buck as well (although I can understand it would be nicer to actually have him there in the flesh). I guess Covid has probably slowed some things down a bit as well. I felt a pang when you mentioned a 4000 page medical history, dear Lord, I understand that! Much of it probably unnecessary as well, given the amount of faffing about they've done. I hope your arm feels better soon. It's weird how smaller movements can cause more problems. I did something hideous to my thumb once; had never had any idea how many times a day I used my thumb until I stopped trying to use it :) So I hope your arm is doing better now xx
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Some days yes, I feel almost as close to him, as if he were here. And since I can talk to him about anything & everything that helps too. Those are usually good days; he can go on & on about something I'm not overly interested in sometimes - most guys do - but that's OK.
And some days, it's exactly that that shines a bright light on how he's not here. He can't see me roll my eyes over the phone.
I'm still having wild dreams, so I know I'm still processing; releasing something deep. So it's not like I'm just twiddling my thumbs trying to fill time - ALL the time - ;).
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Lol, I don't like doing Zoom or Facetime because I have to remember not to pull faces at the things people say :) I do hope he's able to get things sorted at his end sooner rather than later xx
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Zoom. Yes.
YesterdayDD18 and I were sitting in on Zoom nutrition coaching session I found particularly overwhelming (water and fats.) I'd apparently given up caring what my face was doing, bc NRP stopped the session and asked if I was OK.
I wasn't.
I'd prefer sessions w/o Zoom.
Lighter
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I used to use online face to face vid a decade ago; won't go anywhere near it now and poor B isn't all that technically apt - even though a lot of his med "appts" have been virtual this past year.
Tupp, when you're processing some deep old pain do you also have physical manifestations of that pain? Given the vividness of my dreams lately - past couple weeks - and my wrist, I was wondering just how weird I am. LOL. Left wrist and sposedly the right side of the brain controls left side of body, IIRC - and tends to be more centered on emotions than the left brain. But that's old theory so I don't know if there's evidence that's negated that or not.
Anyway, because immobilizing that wrist ALSO is painful... I tend to try to move my hand gently to keep circulation moving and loosen any tightness without pushing it to the pain movements - which honestly are unexpected for me. And my brain connected with a tai chi move called cloud hands - arms & wrists alternate circles, while taking side steps... and the wrists rotate independently (but in sync) with arms. I know that sounds complicated and it was to learn too! But there is a free-flowing chi circulation that's stimulated in that move - IF - one can manage to eliminate tension in the process and achieve the body's softness which allows the energy to move. Tension - whether emotional, mental or physical, as in putting forth strength CAN block chi circulation.
But since the dreams started about the time I realized I hurt it again... my brain kinda obsesses on 'solving the problem' by starting to look for a connection. Maybe it's as simple as my subconscious trying to get my attention to amp up self-care for a bit?
:undecided:
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The Egoscue clinic has a book out Pain Free....they also have info on the internet, some specific to wrist pain.
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Lighter I am laughing at your face telling the nutritionist what you thought :) And I will look up that Pain book, thank you.
Skep, yes, I feel like I've been run over! There is literally not a part of my body that doesn't hurt, head to toe, everything is painful and difficult to do, zero energy, even thinking feels like too much effort. Terrible headache, I feel terribly sick and I find it almost impossible to do anything to get myself out of it again. It does start to wear off after a few days but I feel like a 90 year old woman. I felt better this morning after doing Qi Gong last night but as the day went on I could feel my neck, shoulders and jaw seizing up again so I will do more tonight before I go to bed. So yes, I definitely think emotional stuff can cause physical problems. We are equally weird lol x
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Tupp, what you are describing sounds a whole lot like fibromyalgia--including brain fog. Have you ever had anyone tell you that you might have that? There's not a lot that can be done for it, but knowing that's what it is can sure make you feel less like a failure. It's a physical thing.
I have had it for a long time. It is worse some days than others.
CB
Sorry you have that, CB, my sister has it and it's a nightmare to deal with. It has crossed my mind before before but healthcare here is so bad that I think the stress of getting a diagnosis would finish me off :) It only happens when there's an emotional upset of some kind. If I can avoid emotion I'm fine! Lol x
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Yeah, psychosomatic reactions are a real thing; not just "all in your head". I sure don't understand how it all works, but I agree with Tupp, that if there's some serious emotional thing I'm going through... if I don't address it, it will come out as pain or feeling ill.
You can't run; you can't hide.
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Buck just got hearing aids today. He said he forgot that a pen on paper makes a noise. LOLOL. He's had a lot of damage from diving and his work, so there are still dead areas in the range he can hear - but this should help when we're talking. I've had to turn toward him so he can read my lips coz I don't normally speak loudly unless I'm excited about something - I can be very loud, when needed.
He had to hold the phone away from his ear so he wasn't getting yelled at... :D His whole world just got a lot bigger.
Deb will be here about lunch time for a few days, finally.
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Oh that's amazing Skep! It's funny how people can cope with things not working the way they used to (including ears!). It's an adjustment either way (good one, though). I'm glad Deb can get over for lunch, I hope she's doing alright.
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Yup. Mind body connection is a thing, for sure.
Lighter
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Amber,
I can feel your suspension, your patience, your frank acknowledgement that you have a limit but are not there now. So glad B is making headway in many ways.
And super glad friend Deb is coming to visit you. Can't imagine how sustaining that might be.
Reading daily and rooting for you -- bum shoulder sends regards to your bum wrist.
Thanks for telling me to get out there in the spring. I have, more than usual. No big details now but will try a short update.
hugs
Hops
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We had a silly girls night in the studio. Hol played DJ, pulling up loads & loads of 80s music. And we sang along, danced & talked about really normal stuff. Early night; Deb slept long and has been napping off & on in front of tv today. Watching restoration home, & other travel kind of shows on the tube.
Buck may have appts with local doctors set next week, so I'll have an idea when he's going to be here next.
Deb is fine; adjusting. But this is really the first chance she's had to get away and not fret about someone needing her. She turned her phone off. :D
It's very quiet here - so people do tend to sleep well here.
Today the wrist is a lot better; stopped being painful on the inner bone knob.
CB, the garden will produce (I hope) enough to can - I want to teach Hol the basics. Pressure canners aren't going to be available until Sept/Oct - but I have a smaller one and a good sized water bath canner for tomatoes. I'll freeze other stuff. Once I clean out freezers. Thinking about investing in a freeze-dryer, but that's a conversation I've had with myself for 3 years. Using grow lights for the first time - and they're a miracle! Even getting some rare-er medicinal herbs to germinate and grow well. Horehound, valerian, pleurisy root, Siberian skullcap.
Buck is making cuttings of his great-grandma's roses and some other things, so I'll finally have flowers here. He's bringing me flowers. :D I love that he like pretty things. I haven't had time, because I've been focusing on infrastructure. Looks like Hol's garage will be finished this month. Which means - shortly, she'll be completely moved out of my spaces.
I *think* that whatever processing I was doing - has completed. It feels like it's lifted. Dreams have shifted from the past to present. It's very nice to have adult conversation with Buck & Deb. I love Hol dearly - but we are so tired of each other!! And I just don't want to deal with what she's going through in such agonizing detail. Last night was total fun, though. She made an effort for Deb. They're closer in age, than Deb & I are, by a couple years.
Hops, so glad you've been able to get outside. Honestly, it's the best medicine for mental, spiritual & physical health. You sound well.
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So glad you had happy dancy 80s girl's night, Amber! How nice!
I hope B can turn his new hearing aids down to a comfortable level. It can't be easy hearing everything when he's used to not hearing it.
Yay to new local doctor team. I hope they have their stuff together.
Lighter
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I have an inside contact in the Trauma unit!! ;) But this is just the 2nd opinion for the lawsuit.
Looks like Hol's garage will be done by the end of the month. So I'll finally be able to manage to get my mess, back to where it was before she moved in. LOL. And then start making decisions about "what's next" inside the house.
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I hear lots of hopeful stuff!
Deb and Hol dance night
rose cuttings
local B doctor appts
wrist healing
Hope it grows....
hugs
Hops
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Meh. Two steps forward, one back.
I still have a lot of "old" stuff coming up - that honestly, I can find find no real life triggers for - that are messing with my being right now. It's not just one thing specifically either.
Taking a page out of Lighter's process, right now, to just observe and let it be - and release it, if possible.
I do know, I've spent way too much time being immersed in "the dark side" of OPPs. (other people's problems) and getting back into that immediate "I'll fix this, or at least try" reaction.... and seeing everything that happens as something major, and a catastrophe.
I managed to at least make a little joke yesterday. Felt safe enough with Buck to do that. But trying to do that with Hol - given her current anxiety levels about going back to work and being away from the farm - is a definite roll of the dice. And I've seen a little toxicity in her expectation that the people around her will distract her from herself enough for everything to just shift. It's her main avoidance technique of not actually dealing with her feelings.
And I need to add some distance and time off from that, because I can do the same thing... but for me, it doesn't work well AT ALL. Doesn't feel good; I don't like it.
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Oh boy. Having trodden the anxiety mile (a million times) I remember well the exhausted looks of those nearby.
I'm glad you're seeing this, feeling it, challenging your rescue-response within yourself. Sounds like you're working at not taking the bait -- any bait. Bravo!
hugs
Hops
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Yeah, it's interesting to note Hol's reaction to me inserting some space & distance between us. There's a bit of desperation and a fair amount of confusion about what she did "wrong" - altho it's unspoken. So she adopted a short list of things to do to "help" Mom and has accomplished those.
Today's plan is to get my seedlings into the ground in the garden, and she offered to help with that too. So far, no discussion of this topic - just the usual coordination of work, projects, activity. Steve and I are interacting a little more easily.
Her regular dumping the contents of her head to me re: her feelings, and then projecting how I would handle things (according to her imagination or perhaps fantasies based on only a few exceptional responses I've had over the years) is feeling toxic to me and all I want to do is go about my work & day, at my pace... the way I do things... without having to hear any suggestions about a faster, better way to do things. The most efficient isn't always the "best" - especially with plants - hence, corp agriculture issues. When it comes to plants, Steve is more on my wavelength.
I brought up (mistake, I know) my old issues regarding the gardening work - relationship related; all in the past; but I've had a dickens of a time changing that. During those years, she refused to have anything to do with that work but wants to learn now (mouth says). But when we're "doing" - it's her way that gets shoved onto me - instead of her watching, waiting for me to tell her why I do things this way, the science behind the art... etc. And her conviction that I'm too decrepit to do this myself, effectively... :rolleyes: also makes this fraught.
Yeah, I know she's working on all those things about herself that irritate the crap outta me. Yeah, I know she has a whole different mindset about "work" when she's working film production. Different environment & different priorities. It's just the perpetuating feedback loop of working while being sensitive to each other's issues and who we are, that is trying to find a way to succinctly "be" and be expressed.
And it's temporary. We're working through it like all the other places we rudely abrade each other with our separate styles and expressions. In the greater scheme of things - she is learning something thru this. So am I. (Teaching always teaches the teacher, too.) We have done pretty well the past 3 years so far, no permanent injuries. ;) But in the near future, Mom's gonna have her own helper in-house, who isn't going to have as many external to the farm distractions to schedule around. I won't need as much assistance from her. That probably spikes her anxiety too.
She knows it's her job to manage herself & her feelings. So, I'm simply gently reinforcing it by creating a little distance and letting her sweat things out herself. Maybe by the weekend, we'll be ready to talk. No silent treatment, just no personal stuff in conversation. For now.
I'm still trying to heal up my damn wrist - and it IS better. But the work can't wait any longer; temps are right for planting. Seedlings need to be divided anyway or go in the ground. I cleared the early weeds out of the kitchen garden again yesterday and found volunteers of red leaf lettuce from last year. The potatoes I planted but didn't harvest last year are also up in the big garden; still all roughly in a row despite my vigorous plowing & discing.
Despite both of us living & working here - she still needs to have her own life. I need mine. Or we're both going to get pretty crabby. Her idea of what my life should be like isn't what I want - it's what she wants for her. She is coming around to realizing that, but talk about slow to germinate!! It's almost as bad as when she's trying to make a decision... which drives me nutz - either do or don't do.... do research & homework, yes; don't go in blind... but make a damn decision before life makes it for ya!!!!! Jeez.... I hope I wasn't the source of her learning to completely overthink everything to death... without listening to self & intuition. And yet, she's also spontaneously reckless. Go figure.
This is a whole lotta words to talk about something small; a refinement between the two of us. It's not nearly as bothersome or irritating as the amount of words suggests. But there are all these different shades blended together in how I feel about things and the whys behind it.
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All that is nuance and subtlety and I think wonderful, Amber.
Your observations of both yourself and your D show a lot of clarity, imo.
And the abrading seems to have less intensity now.
I like the idea of peacable silences with soil, and perceiving that difference.
Something about hands-in-soil redirects anxiety, I believe.
Did we ever talk about that amazing (to me) discovery that one reason gardening is an antidepressant is that there is natural serotonin in soil that gets absorbed through the skin? That blew my mind. Still does.
hugs
Hops
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Forest Bathing is a tradition in Japan for the same reasons, Hops. The trees release chemicals with healing properties. Nature is a balm, truly🌱☀🌻
Lighter
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My issue with the garden was being forced to do things someone else's way; for this, that & the other reason it was presented as "the right way". And the ONLY way it was permitted to be done. Which is absolute bullshit. There are many ways to "garden" and raise food as there are people. One SHOULD personalize the process from beginning to end because that's giving energy & attention to the earth, inviting the return of the energy in the form of good nutritious food.
My big garden is a big square; just like a blank canvas. Deb pointed out what looked like a row of potatoes coming up. Because I didn't harvest them, last year, here they are again, volunteering. Same with my garlic & onions - which ARE getting harvested this year. Ex #2 would've never shut up about how I left the harvest go to "waste"... even though this year's plants look GREAT. I'll get seed from the onions this year. And since the garlic was sent special to me from Montana, half of it will be saved to replant this fall - so it will FINALLY get back into the correct planting sequence.
So around that row of potatoes which didn't extend but 2/3rds the width, I planted a short row of leeks. The brussel sprouts, cauliflower & brocolli are planted in alternating sq foot short row beds. They'll be harvested early. So the garden is a patchwork block style of various plants based on growing season, ease of access etc. And I just stand in the dirt and LOOK, FEEL what needs to go where. We'll see how "my" method works. If it's a total failure well - there's no shortage of books, vids, webpages & people willing to say: do this next time. I'm saving spaces for things I can direct seed in a couple of weeks: green beans, dry beans, squash and carrots. (There will actually be some short carrots in the kitchen bed.)
Just about everything I'm planting is raised from seed heirlooms. I use fish fertilizer - but with cats that can be an issue. Why I moved my setup to the studio garage. Maters get bone meal in the transplant hole to try to stave of blossom end rot... and other than that, that's it this year. I still have a goodly pile of mushroom compost to side dress things later on. And this fall, I'll do a soil test. Based on memory from the other homestead (very similar soils) we used bone meal, greensand & a light balanced nitrogen fertilizer.
There might be really good stuff absorbed from soil, Hops - but it also dries my hands out terribly. I just can't plant or weed in gloves.
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::swooning::.
Your garden sounds amazing, Amber,
Light
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It's still in baby stage Lighter. And at this point, I'm just digging holes and planting - I'll deal with sod clumps and weeds later. ;)
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More planting - broccoli, since I didn't get there Thursday. MAYBE if I'm still going, work up a cleaner bed for tomatos.
Today's "in the flow" pondering topic:
Rules*... inner child resistance... self-care... work/pleasure balance... and the linkages.
*Rules is a pretty big category; mostly interested in the aspect where one feels nothing productive, efficient, or reliable can be accomplished without a specific order of work; ie, "correct process".
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I doubt this is your worry, Amber, but reading this reminded me of perfectionism, and how much that contributes to anxiety.
Mine anyway.
But I get stalled at the don't start it place, since my imagination overloads my attempts with perfectionism.
BTW, the rain garden, courtesy of the river conservation alliance (mine's the first one they've installed in the city) is all planted out front and looks gorgeous. Very happy.
hugs
Hops
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Please please post a pic of the rain garden, Hops!
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Would love to, Lighter, but for some reason I've never mastered how to do that.
If you could send me the step-by-step (click this, then that) I'd be happy to try it again....
Of course, if I succeed then I'd totally fill up the board with very repetitive images of a plugged-into-sunbeam smallish snoozy pooch....hmmm, just had an idea....I think I got it!
(If this works, I'll take a pic of rain garden later and do that too.)
hugs
Hops
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Rain gardens in a city space sound positively lovely Hops! It's nice they were able to build this for you. Does it require any maintenance?
I've been resisting trying to use my tiny suburban rototiller on the garden, but I think I'm going to have to try it. It may not work in that soil. B has two he'll bring; full size babies. I've been hand digging with a fork; there is a section I'd be a fool to not break out the broadfork - neither the plow or disc did more than scratch the surface, because the terrain is a bit swoopy. Could be it's full of rocks, too - which tend to keep the blades from digging in.
Each section I finish gets me a couple square feet closer to having that fine tilth, soft dirt I covet. I am hitting some clay in places, so this fall I'm going to spread the mushroom compost and aged (3 yrs) wood chips into it and disc it to over winter. There will be other beds in the future too - one for strawberries, another raspberry bed, maybe blackberries. And I should pick out my fruit & nut trees for this fall. If we plant corn - it'll be down in the field by the hut. I have some open-polinated seed "Country Gentleman" that works great for livestock feed. I'll need to look into grinders for it. S is going to experiment with a small plot of sorghum down there, which is a great multi-purpose grain.
I need B to be here, to discuss some of my ideas & plans... and commandeer back my bobcat soon. My ideas for planting close to the house, involve some more stonework, more flowering (and useful) plants, medicinal herbs (some of which are ready to transplant), and a whole section down by the studio that's going permaculture because of old logs we never got split for firewood. I might be able to rescue some for that purpose. There's a pretty challenging slope over there - and the septic drain field - so it wouldn't hurt to make more dirt over there and level it up some.
But Rome wasn't built in a day - and my ideas change over time, and with input from others and necessity. When S moves the birds to the hut vicinity, I'll probably have chickens located in that area by the studio instead of across the pond. Then that field can support maybe a couple cows, or goats - still researching those. I still need to get some fish for the pond - except in drought conditions it's fed by a stream, and has an outflow to another stream. Springs all over the property, too - mostly wet weather. Hol's pond filled over the winter; it's fed by the overflow from her well (artesian, like mine).
Its a good thing I knew how much work my big dream was going to involve. It can get overwhelming - especially realizing I can't do what I used to 20 years ago. But I've been trying to "work smarter, not harder" until I find out how much strength & stamina I can regain. This has been an ideal spring for me to work outside - cooler than normal and not so many bright sun days. So far - no "noseeums" out. And I only heard the first skeeter yesterday - I think. They're generally not too bad around the house, but it requires keeping up with clean up/trimming around the house.
B & I shifting into commitment mode. And he's still trying to get dates for his local doc appts... but he assures me it's not long now. Rainy today, so if I do anything at all today - it's going to be getting more space in the house. Starting in the office which has become the "trash room". Makes me nutz to even open that door.
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Pooch! You figured it out, Hops! Well done.
Send more pics!
Amber, what fish are you planning to stock?
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Well I know I need a couple catfish. With the birds having free access to the pond, I have an algae problem. (Or did last year; it was dry so not a lot of circulation/fresh water added.) Then probably perch, bass & minnows to feed the bigger fish. The turnover of water isn't enough for trout.
There's a whole ecological science to maintaining healthy ponds. And I'm a beginner. So I'll probably pick brains at the fish farm.
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'morning. Hol is in anxious/excited prepatory trajectory for going away to work for about a month. Steve will hold down the Hut; and I will be able to feel a little more solitude... which I need... as Buck is working on the final countdown to moving here.
Heatwave means I'm not doing much planting right now. I will probably get the kitchen bed sown, today, when the sun comes around. And think about where I'm going to put medicinal herbs... and ordering some more seed. I can't plant jewelweed until fall. Might wash vehicles: the ranger looks like it was rode hard & put up wet -- as it really has for some time. B needs to give it an oil change & a good going over.
Contractor called to confirm some shop details before ordering materials - so that should be moving along. Garage doors for Hol's garage should be here next week... with siding following close behind; she's hoping the trench for running solar power out there gets done before she gets home. S is building permaculture raised beds and tending them, the birds, minding the dogs and checking on his patches of wild-cultivated good plants too: we have ginseng, goldenseal, cohoshes, mullein, mugwort, coltsfoot, etc etc... crazy amount of good plants in the woods. Including good mushrooms.
Stinker is now an in/out kitty - and given the vole carcasses, Freddy is teaching him to hunt. I saw Stinker playing with a chipmunk the other day; just playing - no kill instinct yet. Hol's 3 kittens & momma have all been neutered and are patrolling her area - except hers like to bring live ones inside. :rolleyes:
Neighbors' cats have been around - and probably some strays are coming thru too. I saw a siamese up the driveway, once. Full on sealpoint. B's kitty is strictly an indoor cat. Coyotes haven't been around lately, but the owls & whip'owhills have both houses surrounded. And of course, our frog overpopulation is crazy deafening at night. I did run over a snake with the ranger in the driveway, but I must not've hurt it too badly - it was gone when I was done in the garden.
I've been quiet coz except for the work we're doing, or trying to get done... there's not much of interest going on. The reason Hol took this job on the pilot, is to make a final decision if she's going to try to keep that employment door open. But either way she goes - she's going to overthink, second guess, and have anxiety about her decision. Sigh....... she's currently driving herself nutz worrying about Knuckles, Steve & me being able to maintain while she's gone. She hasn't worked in a year and a half. She's staying with a friend who live just outside the city - so that's safer for her. But the shoots are on location in some rougher neighborhoods. She doesn't have a lot of experience or faith in the dept coordinator - being used to her old one, that passed a year ago, who was extremely safety conscious, looked out for his people and was able to tell the bigshots NO, when they wanted to slapdash & take risks for an idea. And of course, there are all the covid protocols to deal with. She still hasn't seen a script; which speaks to the lack of organization or professionalism of mucky-mucks. She started seeing that inexperience (?) before her last job ended.
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Sorry Hol is anxious about the job and being away, Amber.
When is she leaving?
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She'll leave some time Sunday, in time to get settled in her borrowed bedroom, eat and unwind. I mighta stepped on her toes when I said she doesn't have to exhaust herself "doing" around here; that she doesn't need to be needed that much. ;) Save her energy.
We have a couple days close to 90 this weekend before it starts to cool down and rain finally. I'm going to hide in the a/c.
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Sometimes it feels like I'm stepping through a mine field....... watching what I say around my girls, Amber.
Food. University. Employment...... lots of chances for upset, IME.
I understand.
Enjoy your AC. I'm sure you'll find projects or relaxing activities to keep you as busy as you want to be; )
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Yep, I stumbled across a library of cat cartoons on youtube - Simon's Cat. They're funny! in a gentle & positive way.
In the evening, got a tearyeyed call from friend Deb. Long story, that came out kinda garbled, under the circumstances, but her family is trying to force sale of Mom's house... which means Deb loses home after caring for both parents. She had asked them to wait a year, for her to have enough time to deal with contents and sort out her situation. One of her brothers has lived there for a couple years too. I think he helped calm her down too. She and I will talk again today and try to come up with a strategy.
She went into debt to cover expenses - including mortgage payments - while taking care of the parents. So, she's been turned down for a mortgage to buy out the sibs because of debt to income ratio.
You can imagine how defeated and rejected she feels - that the sibs care more about their slice of the value of the house (which Deb has maintained as long as I've known her) - than their sister who didn't HAVE to do all that, but did for Mom's sake. She already knows she can land here. We've even daydreamed about a tiny house situation - but that almost doubles her commute to work.
SIGH. She hasn't even had a chance to finish grieving, much less start thinking about the future of HER life. This pressure to sell Mom's house started almost before she was buried. If there is no compromise from the sibs - that means I only have ONE idea on a way to help, and then, the mortgage application is STILL iffy. And I dunno if she'd be OK with the idea. But I'll run it past her today anyway.
She really deserves a break. Poor girl slept most of the weekend she was out here.
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Sorry deb is in that situation, Amber. It reminds me of Hops' situation. Just wrenching.
If it's possible, and good for Deb, I hope she manages to swing that mortgage.
There may be silver linings starting somewhere fresh. Linings she hasn't had a chance to consider?
She should be allowed to grieve.
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Yeah, I thought about the opportunities in a completely fresh start. She wasn't in any frame of mind to entertain that last night. Potentially losing her home, right after mom just felt like overwhelming loss. Time for different perspectives will come.
IMO, it's always the right thing, to make space to grieve until you're done - always different that. But sometimes life doesn't afford the time to do that. She's very practical; tends to stuff feelings - and this isn't the first time, she's reached out for someone to listen, help her think, and support her through the eruption of emotion.
:me - gets that cold thousand yard stare:
Her own family are the problem here. Where's their grief? I only see greed & impatience. That makes me angry on her behalf. They better not parade their pious Christianity in front of me. All filters and inner censors will be out of commission. One reason I haven't inserted myself into that situation, actually. I'm well acquainted with it and my allergy to it. Instead, I've provided her a place to escape to. To step away from all that.
That still sounds like the wisest course of action. Her phone doesn't get great reception out here... :D
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People get funny about money, IME. Sometimes their crazy really shows up. The hypocrchristians are harder to pput up with, I agree.
Something about them...... their lack of shame.
You're showing up for Deb. This might be where she lets go of more than a house.
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Fingers crossed, Lighter -
my one idea was a way for her NOT to lose the house and also be able to raise the double-fisted single digit salute to her family. Then, walk away in peace. Done deal. Everyone gets what they SAY they want. I wasn't sure she'd be willing to accept that plan. She did. There is only one tricky spot with the plan, but I think I have a bit of security for her, there too.
I'm definitely feeling the shift in energy with this full moon - and coinciding solar flare - this week. Probably the reason I woke up so grumpy yesterday. Also, I'm starting to express my impatience with B's process delays in a steel & concrete clarity... but it feels obnoxiously whiny & needy. Not blaming him; it's truly out of his control at the moment and he's in waiting mode too. And he's impatient too. But he's already used up all available leverage options; maybe his old CO will come thru for him. And neither one of us are good at being powerless or helpless. I asked him point-blank, if he thought he could actually be moved in here THIS YEAR. LOL. He doesn't get all triggered or weird about me asserting myself; even in a smart-ass sarcastic negative way. That's completely unusual for me to deal with. I like it.
So I'm taking all this grumpy frustrated energy out on cleaning up the office, making paper that I don't need to keep disappear and organizing and relocating the keepers; and turning over dirt in the garden for tomatoes & peppers. I need to think about planting more seeds too - squash, cucumbers, etc. And probably get in some fermenting crocks. No cabbage this year; later. No sweet corn either. Takes too much room, attracts raccoons & deer like candy.
Rained all day yesterday. And cooled off more than the thermostat is set for, for ac last night. It'll be 93 tomorrow. I have to plan my manual labor (the heavier stuff) around the weather. But I'm also trying to adapt my sleep schedule to the cooler morning hours... that's hard. And physically, this kind of shift is the worst on me. Give me at least 3-4 days of the same kind of weather at a time, and I'll be ready for a change.
Hol's first day at work, sapped her energy completely. But so far things are going well here. Everything's continuing. One of the contractors was at the hut yesterday - but nothing's changed so not sure what's going on. I know what's SUPPOSED to happen this week; but hasn't yet.
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Yay for, Deb! I bet you're thrilled she said YES to help.
Congrats to Hol for making it through her first day back at work. Wiped out is better than crash and burn. Stamina comes back pretty quick, ime. I hope it gets easier for her soon.
Ride that wave of energy.... I'm riding mine too. Beautiful sunny weather for it. Need some rain.
I admire how you're speaking your truth to B without feeling responsible for him or his feelings. I love how he doesn't lose his cool when you express frustration.
Really nice to read.
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Yeah; it feels really strange that I don't have to tapdance around him Lighter. In fact, he's asked me to be as direct & blunt as possible because he can't deal with the "hints, clues, & mind-reading" crap at all. Just goes right over his head.
I understand that he's still at the mercy of a bureaucratic system that's arbitrary, capricious, infuriating, deaf and slow. And they DO. NOT. CARE. Not even for appearance's sake & reputation. And I know he has a lifetime of experience with them. I do not, except when it's been unavoidable. Like taxes & such. So I don't always understand how long processes take. I ask a LOT of questions and for 2 years, he's explained as best he can and I STILL don't get the lack of autonomy he experiences from "the system" -- who holds him hostage to healthcare, pension, etc.
Obviously, I have some strong feelings about that. So does he - but he can go hammer steel, till it passes. LOLOLOL.
Last minute update to Deb's & my plans. I may be awol for the holiday weekend. I have things I need to do around the weather - PLUS the additional for accommodating others (which isn't a lot or time consuming; just my OCD needing to have things "ready" for a couple days of having her here; even though I KNOW she doesn't care that much.)
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Deb is soooo lucky in your friendship, Amber. I hope the plan works and secures her home. Wow, what a gift to her.
What was Buck's reply to your question about whether he could move this year? You just have limits. And I admit I don't fully understand why his issues with the VA and general govt stuff prevent him from changing his address. Just don't get it. (I also worry whether he's avoidant of commitment but think you'd have sussed that out way back, wouldn't you?)
I'm so sorry for your wait, and awed by the way you forge forward despite it. You are an endurance machine, but I hope you'll continue to care for your soft parts too.
hugs
Hops
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I told him straight up at the beginning, the "terms" were no commitment. It just kinda grew there on it's own, after all this time. Yes, it will be this year was his answer. I said, I'll believe it when it happens. ;)
That long process of accepting that there's no possibility of a lost loved one returning was still recent enough for me, to remind me to do what I needed to take care of myself and not abandon the goal of the farm. And Buck is making sure I don't just expect him to ride in and rescue me - that I remember what I can do on my own. Independently. That's a big part of his attraction to me. Independent, equal partners who care for each other - for who they are.
Despite the gov snafus and delays, I know he's been been making steady progress on his house, clearing his 20 years accumulation of "I might use this some day" junk, which he knows I don't have room or need for here and he no longer wants anchoring him... and dealing with all the old connections, the internal past and letting go. But my feelings are what they are; and it's my job to manage them without ultimatums or demands. Or asking for the impossible. I just know he'd be more uncomfortable and concerned if I DIDN'T tell him why I'd gone that quiet on him. And he understands the effect of creating an expectation that isn't fulfulled, repeatedly. So he listens to me talk about my feelings, doesn't say I'm being silly or put me down for them; he understands I need him to know what my experience of the separations are like -- and patiently goes over where he is in the process again and does his best to explain again - this is how it works.
I still think, sometimes, that if he were actually ready to move - logistically, speaking - he could just do that and there wouldn't be much the gov could do about it except scramble to adjust to new circumstances. But it could indeed mean starting the whole process of extracting himself from that control over his healthcare, all over again. He isn't much interested in that option. I can see why. He's really close now, to being completely free of their "approvals" in his choice of docs, types of treatments, etc. I sure don't want him to jeopardize all that work for my impatient feelings!!!
Mike's mom, had a federal pension & healthcare as a widow and I remember her speaking about the difficulty of managing the complexity of it. B isn't just making an excuse here. I've already read the stories of other vets. It really really is making me think twice about signing up for medicare. I took on all of Jean's paperwork, her last year. I never was really sure I was at the end of things because of how the gov does things.
Once upon a time, I was pretty fluent in "bureaucratese". But I had to ask my CPA for help translating a couple letters from the IRS this year, because it took them 3 pages of words to say what CPA translated into two short sentences. And what I thought it meant on my read, was totally wrong.
I realized a little while ago that I didn't have season 3 Outlander in my disc library. I rectified that recently - and have been getting caught up on some parts of the story. Some more types of work along this line too - since I have my total solitude back again. Some more clues on long-held misconceptions/negative stuff about me... are turning up. Little connect the dots things that provide more insight/understanding. Even though Hol has her own space, she's in mine often enough that I seldom get these extended unbroken, unstructured stretchs of peace & quiet. And when crap bubbles up - I NEED this time - to chase things down, with my eyes open & head clear - and deal with the stuff at this level of the work. Yeah, I'm also doing some mindless productive work while that's happening too. Filing, organizing papers, dusting, weeding... etc.
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Amber:
Why can't you visit B every once in a while?
To touch base....lend support an perhaps understand a bit more about what he's up agains as he moves through this process of closing down a life and starting a new one?
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Whirlwinds...
Deb & I started off the weekend, with quiet celebration about my one, hopeful idea helping. Planned to plant tomatos the next morning. And in the midst of planting - another shoe dropped and the panic went back to square one. Yesterday afternoon was more research, finding another ray of light... dealing with yet more back & forth stuff. I started off on another path; another idea while Deb worked her side of things.
Right before her mom died a month ago, what Deb had in her head as a plan was to buy her mom's house. Proceeds would go to the estate and her siblings. Well, her SISTER is the executor and without talking to Deb - who has managed the finances for her mom for years - so, without any real information - sister starts making decisions that are clearly perceived as antagonistic to Deb and her brother who's been living there and helping Deb out, in exchange for help with his situation. So sister is making decisions that are complicating things for everyone without having a full picture of what IS. And making Deb's plan of buying them out impossible.
So, Deb is still in the early stages of grief and now add uncertainty and insecurity about the status of where she's living. SIGH. I really sympthathize with how picked on and singled out she feels. The sibs have had years - and the months that mom was bedridden - to come discuss details; but didn't. And are now excluding her from decisionmaking, even though it's her & brother living in that house. It's an emotional piling on situation. She was quiet through dinner & tv time last night; went to bed relatively early. She's mentally & emotionally exhausted.
My new idea was the possibility of her buying ANOTHER house, starting new, no siblings involved and giving her time to work through the grief. We were online house shopping and I found two, for less money than Mom's house would require that also might work better (as far as maintenance & upkeep & physical demands) on her & brother. She can financially swing it, IF she can be released from an equity loan her name was on, coz Mom wasn't responsible enough to keep up with it. I don't know if that's possible; Deb's not associated with the mortgage at all. Despite having made those payments for years. Equity is now in estate's name and hers. Sale of mom's house would also satisfy equity loan - so there is a small chance she could be released from it.
So, overnight, I think she is starting to see that she's not really upset or so attached to the house itself. She has her memories of mom - and oodles of pictures. She is almost ready to start thinking about the potential and possibilities of not having to deal with the constant upset from the sibs. Starting to see that walking away from the house to a new location isn't as much of a loss - as it is gaining peace & quiet in her life, to work through things at her own pace and not being accountable to people that won't even acknowledge that she made it possible for them to have their own lives, without the time & effort involved in caring for mom. I told her it's HER turn to delegate the work to someone else. Because she CAN figure out something different that will be financially to her benefit - AND provide a whole new perspective on life. New opportunities. Once she's rested & ready. She'll look at two houses tomorrow.
In between all that - my stepdaughter calls needing information on how to protect grandparents assets. Grandma was in hospital, dehydrated, UTI, - and underlying dementia. She had to be sedated last night because she was violent with staff. Now A is the highly positioned RN at the medical center - but she was asking about financial stuff revolving around skilled nursing facilities, in home care, and medicare. I couldn't do much more than suggest places to start asking questions since I have no experience here. You can't exactly set up a trust AFTER you're aware of a need for a nursing home, to protect assets.
It's only Saturday and I feel like maybe I deserve holiday pay for the past couple days. LOL. B, bless his heart, told me to tell Deb she and brother could come stay with us (if it was OK with me) until they get on their feet. And yeah, that made her cry again. They've never met.
Hol is driving back from city today, after sleeping post-night shift. She's tired; but as far as I know doing OK, even though she got asked to be acting shop steward - liason for the union, between crew and execs. Which is a good stepping stone for her, if she ever wants to be a sfx coordinator. She is highly qualified for that role even though it's taken a couple of us working to convince she'd be dang good at it.
I told B, that as long as he's handling all his stuff - I'll be OK here. I'll be talking to him in a bit - there is drama going on in his life, but he's dealing with it. I don't have to know.
If one more person I care about calls me in tears....... aaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
I knew to expect "something" from this latest full moon/lunar eclipse. But this time it wasn't something I was first-hand experiencing. Nope; I'm supposed to advise & counsel the people it's happening to. It's mildly surprising, but I guess not unexpected. I am always anxious about if my intutions are correct; if I'm reading people correctlly - communicating clearly enough. If I know as much as I really think I do. It's other people's lives I'm advising here. WHAT IF I'M WRONG? And why do they assume I'm an expert? Disclaimers are my friend, I think.
On the other hand - I show up when no one else does. I make good on my promises and keep the faith. I give where it's most needed... privately... in unthinkable; unaskable ways. Because other people did that for me, so long ago. I'm still paying it forward. To people who've been there for me when they didn't have to.
Some days, I'm terrified that the world is forgetting what it means to care about other people. To connect with them. A long time ago - circa 1969, '70 - a scared little girl in a new town used to frequent the neighborhood general store/deli. The tiniest little black lady owned that shop. Frances. The shelves were never full. But there was always a little of everything. She used to sell me cigarettes - "for my mom", who didn't smoke - and never said a word. I would buy lunch meat, baked beans, candy... she gave me an empty cigar box for a treasure chest... because after school I'd go hang out in the store and keep her company. Who knows anymore what we talked about?
The only time my mom knew we were even friends - was when Frances was sick and I was making her soup and wanted my mom's help getting it to her hot. The store couldn't have been 500 yds from my house. But I DID want my mom to meet the woman I considered my "angel" - where I'd been spending as much time as I could spare. I knew once Frances was gone... the whole neighborhood would change. Frances had been so kind to me and taught me things about life that - given those were the immediate, difficult, post-Twiggy days - I sure needed from a friend. My mom thought I was nutz being so kind to a stranger who might want to take advantage of us.
:rolleyes:
We didn't have anything to take advantage of then, either. I was just repaying kindness with kindness. WTF? Isn't that what one is obligated to do???? Yes, was a simple kind gesture; no it wasn't going to stop the cancer ravaging Frances. But SOMEBODY CARED ENOUGH TO DO SOMETHING.
It's an awful world when nobody cares. And I ain't tellin' those stories again.
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(((Twiggy))) My heart breaks for the little girl doing what she could to comfort her ailing friend. Twiggny recognized connection, kindness and the gift of being seen...... there are good people in the world. Sometimes it's difficult to remember, but there are.
It's true. Our friends feed us. We feed them.
Amber: Thank you for sharing your stories. Deb is lucky to have such wonderful friends. I'm glad B shares a similiar vision for helping her get through this trying time.
It's good to read Hol has opportunities and skills to meet them. I hope she's excited and curious about advancing in her field.
Sorry so many people require your attention... that you feel responsible for so much. These things come in waves, don't they.
Deb will figure her situation out. I imagine your support buffers the harsh loss of mother, home and care she might have felt from her siblings, but doesn't. I'm reminded of my T's words..... when we're really struggling, usually inability to accept what is...... is behind it.
Acceptance is important.
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I do think people are losing connections, Skep, and that sense of 'my word is my bond'. I don't know if it's technology, too much consumerism or just too many things that people can do that mean many rarely sit still for long enough to connect to anybody else. Caring enough to do something is a precious thing.
I'm sorry for Deb. Families and money are just crass, and I don't know any other way to put it. Every time someone I know has passed, people have been arguing over the money before the funeral's been paid for. Part of me thinks that inheritance should be stopped - everything goes to charity and then no-one gets to behave badly. A friend's relatives are trying to turf her out of her house at the moment - her mum passed away and left her share of the house to her (where she'd lived for many years taking care of her mum as she got older and more frail). Two other relatives inherited shares from grandparents many moons ago, the proviso being all the time a family member lives there, it isn't sold. They want their cash. They don't need it. They're retired, their mortgages are paid off, they have second homes they live in for part of the year. But they want it anyway and are trying to get the original will over turned. Horrible stuff. If only people were that willing to help out, eh? I'm glad Deb's got you there (and no doubt you will come up with some marvelous plan that solves the situation for her). It's very hard to think logically when you're grieving. Makes people vulnerable. I'm glad she's got your back, but I also hope that all your people helping at the moment doesn't stop you getting your time for you xx
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Thanks. I needed a bit of propping up. I think it was just the suddenness & coincidence of more than one person at a time seeking advice, and support at a time that overwhelmed me. Part of me knows I DO have the experience and strategic plannning ability to deal with most things life throws at people. But not even my ego operates daily from a place of being a "wise elder" yet.
Deb took a lot out of me - that I was willing to give. I think she DID start to accept there could be an improvement in her situation - by making a clean break with the past and exploring an independent (of family demands) future. That there were two parts to her discomfort - the actual loss of her mom, and the large amount of freedom in her life left to sort out. And then the rush to sell the house & lack of communication about the actual financial picture. I think some of that got sorted out last night.
I checked in with A and she did get gramma released to her; took her to A's house and figured she'd be up all night. Had a sedative handy if needed. She and her mom had talked to Granddad earlier in the day about the situation.
Hol made it back by suppertime last night; I quickly briefed her on goings-on; she was asking after Deb and I forgot to tell her about A last night. Fixed that this morning, since Hol woke me up 11 hrs after I went to sleep. Sheesh... at 4 am, I woke up from another significant "letting go" dream (HS sweetheart). And at 5 & 6, had to play cat doorman... made coffee and slept till 10.
It's only 3-4 hours AFTER so much people-activity that I'm able to sense my usual calm space around me. I managed to stay calm, keep my twisted sense of humor handy, and not let my own emotions intrude on trying to maintain a clear and objective point of view on what a person can known for SURE. (It's not that much these days.) Deb in particular was trying to speculate & mindread the sibs, and I kept reining that in. Told her - you don't know. Not until you ASK, and communicate. Because apparently they aren't going to ask, you have to take that initiative in order to sort things out. Her brother did that, because Deb is still on the ragged emotional ledge. At least I got her to sit down there and just use her feelings to sort out why all this is so awfully fraught for her, put a word or name to that feeling... and then think about what's actually going on. From her perspective. She can't possibly know what other people, including her sibs, feel. Yes, there isn't but one way to interpret their ACTIONS. But perhaps they are unaware of how that looks to Deb. And perhaps that's not really their intention.
I talked to Buck. He had his own situation going on with his D. So we debriefed and got ourselves unwound enough to feel sleepy. It helps me, just to hear his voice. Know he cares, know he's willing to accept the level of friendship Deb & I - and why - and adopt it for his, too; lending his wisdom and support.
It's just been a total whirlwind of people-activity from where I sit - and compared to the uninterrupted solitude that is the bulk of my life. (So probably appears larger in contrast.) Now, Hurricane Holly is home... and doesn't have to drive back till Monday. I know she's tired. But she looks a lot less tired this morning than when she dropped off the mail. We've gotten (Steve & I) regular updates by phone all week long, so I don't know that Hol is gonna require any mental processing time. I dunno if I'm up to it if she does. But I see the recognition of that "all used up" state in her eyes. She knows what that is for me, and has felt it herself.
The weather is cool, wet & gloomy. She might simply hole up in her hut-nest and rest. And I'm likely to do the same. Buck has been staging the equipment & stuff he's bringing in the next trip's load. And since it's been a month already, hopefully he'll get approval for the 2nd opinion doc appt up here and can schedule a date to drive & arrive. And this is Memorial Day weekend. It means a lot more than bbq and end of quarantine parties to veterans. I think I like the old folk name for this weekend - "Decoration Day" - better.
Oh - and since block for the shop was delivered and Hol's garage doors are up and siding delivered - I guess contractors will be here next week. I still have to plant peppers, but it's just a tad too cool for them right now. And the kitchen bed suffered - I might put some short carrots, bunching onions, and snow peas in this afternoon; and I COULD transplant the medicinals there, they've come on great this year - as a result of me focusing on the bed bed and trying to visualize where the small orchard and high tunnel should go.
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Amber:
Maybe Hol needs to get to the place she really is all used up....... without being propped up, and supported in sustaining things which can't support themselves in her life.
::uncrossing eyes:: It made sense when I wrote it, lol. Doesn't when I read it.
I'm unable to process yard and garden planting, but so enjoy reading about yours.
Lighter
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((((Amber))))
Going to say this quick, and then go back and re-read the thread.
You are a Frances.
It's not gone. People like Frances and you not only pay it forward, but you teach other people how to care (who didn't learn that from TV or social media or absent parents).
These accounts of you and Deb, and little-you and Frances, are very moving and comforting to me.
Thank you for what you do for others. Thank you for what you've done for me. Thank you for modeling this ethic.
And lastly for now, an enormous YES to disclaimers. They protect you both, when you're advising. You can simply say something like (sorry, script alert):
There's things occuring to me about your situation, glad to share it...but promise to keep in mind that I'm NOT certain it's the right or only path to take. I just like thinking situations through, in case it might offer you more choices. You're the chooser--and I've got your back whatever you decide.
Just a disclaimer on steroids, but it (in your own words/way) might relieve the anxiety (habit?) of feeling so over-responsible.
hugs
Hops
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Think I'm going to cocoon today; maybe plant the peppers. It was cold enough to break out the winter coat over my sweatshirt last night; Hol turned the heat back on in the studio. I'll send her off for a short week back on set in the city; B does the same thing every year on Memorial Day - remember his buddies who've gone on before.
A brought gramma home, and with some remodeling, will stay at home with grandad and in-home care. Pretty sure A will make regular visits too. Deb looked at two houses; found 2 more... and is packing books. In other words, moving forward to SOME future which she can design to suit herself.
I can certainly mow again and plant my medicinal herbs in the kitchen bed, till I pick a more naturalized spot. Most of last years plantings are still coming back - so lavender, yarrow... moving some more vinca around to cover. But today might just be laundry, food & a movie. Hol said it looked like siding was gonna go up on her garage - the doors are up, but they still need openers installed. She hasn't said what time she's taking off today - but it's lovely here, and my guess is she's going to soak up as much "home" as she can before she prepares to tackle the insanity that is a movie set again. The shop steward position adds a little to the paycheck as the union waives the auto-withdrawal of dues while she's working in that position. It's not hard - for her; and she's very well suited to doing that.
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I'm really excited for Hol that she has her professional work again.
It must mean so much, and re-establishes her independence.
Let's hope that strength gives her confidence and the luxury of healing when she needs to do that work too. I'll bet it makes a huge difference.
Happy cocooning day, Amber.
hugs
Hops
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Thanks Hops.
It is good for her. She took the job, because it's only a 3 week commitment. It was an experiment. She hasn't worked for a year & a half, after the other series ended. Covid shut all productions down. Her boss died; and he was a "name" in the business with lots of experience & expertise. He was also a good friend. So she's working under another guy - she likes him well enough as a person, but he isn't as organized & on top of things as the old boss. So she and her co-team member have to step in sometimes. And that's only one challenge.
She's been talking for a year about giving up film/tv work and doing her own thing, so taking this job gives her a chance to feel out whether that's what she really wants or not. And yes, she does come into her own power doing this work. It requires a whole basket of skills to be good at it. Next question is whether that will transfer into her ideas for her own thing. Unless she sets goals for herself, it's not going to have the pressure or demands of this kind of work. So she's looking at that real closely.
Sounds like the coming week is going to be pretty easy, but they go to nights again Wed. And it's possible the last week will run over with reshoots - maybe. Her pride in the B'more crews is pretty evident and she works well with all those people. They try to go above & beyond.
She looks almost rested up this morning. Call isn't until 10 am tomorrow so she can hang out at home some more today before driving back in time for dinner and another good sleep. It probably won't make a lot of sense for her to drive back late Sat and spend the night and turn around drive back Sunday - but it's possible that's what she decides to do. I know Knuckles was happy to see her; he was pouting while she was gone and I wasn't an adequate substitute. ;)
The county is starting a weekly farm/craft market. I showed it to Steve. Lots of small farms taking part already. Hol & Steve are definitely on board with trying to develop the farm enough we can participate in outlets like that... so there IS an alternative for Hol. And she was asked to apply at the local butcher shop/local produce shop doing lunch preps. That will let her make some local friends and smooth a transition - if that's what she chooses - to farm wife role & artisan. I have had ideas along those lines too - just too many irons in the fire so far, to spend any real time on studio work. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel that should let me do that soon... or see how it "fits". B & I have ideas for metal shop work, too to collaborate on. And Hol can improve her welding skills with him.
It's been decades since I did any artsy production work, but I know what it takes. So that might rub off on Hol enough to figure her own process out and get started. Or maybe she'll stick w sfx - but that could very well involve longer term travel - essentially living away for 6 months - and I'm not sure that's all that attractive to her now.
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Oh my. There has been the bare minimum going on with me lately.
Hol's got one more week of work on set to go (and any overage - her weather's been like here, rainy & stormy). B is still waiting on approval for his local doc appts. It's been over a month now. :rolleyes: Kitties are decimating the vole, mouse & chipmunk population. Unfortunately, they like to show off the carcasses to mom.
I think perhaps, I overused my energy. Night before last, I felt flat out sick. Dizzy, shivering - even with the heating pad cranked up, achy. And then thinking the worst of course. Slept fitfully. So yesterday my sole accomplishment was feeding myself and grabbing the mail from the day before. Went to bed early last night and waited out the unspooling of brain, to slide into longer sleep. Much better this morning, but not up for world domination today. And it's raining again.
So, my tasks have been piling up again. Sigh. But if I don't let myself get my energy levels back, and just REST... I'll just keep repeating this cycle.
Guess I'll get ready to jump in the car and make the weekly resupply run.
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M felt just that way about 3 weeks after his second vaccination, Amber.
Big delayed reaction that precipitated a new (underlying) crisis.
Which is being managed -- he's still very glad he got vaccinated.
Just wondered where you are in that timeline?
Hope you tend your wellbeing patiently and without regret.
More old movies and resting. You've been in 5th gear for a couple years...
might be relaxing to you but still, you live in a body. It's tired. Rest happy.
hugs
Hops
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I hope you're feeling better soon, Skep. I'm always in awe of how much mental and emotional processing you do, alongside all of the practical work on the farm. I hope the resting helps. Sorry about the carcasses! Our kitty is older now so doesn't bother too much anymore but when she was younger I spent half my life releasing alive things over the field or burying poor little dead ones in the garden! World domination can wait a while longer yet ;) xx
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Thanks Tupp. I do feel much better. I'd had shrimp that evening and I'm suspicious now, that I might be developing an allergy to seafood, but I thought a LOT of things while not sleeping. LOL.
My friend Deb has taken a lot of energy (freely given) to keep her rational and keep her emotions from spiraling to panic and worst case scenarios and grief & helplessness in a split-second. She is, understandably, very needy right now. Yesterday I had 3 calls and multiple texts from her as she scrambled to deal with even more pressure from the family. Lawyer told her the same thing I did... I feel a little validated. I'm just letting her get her emotional moments out; the weight of them right now has to be horrendous - there isn't any point to expecting her to be able to do otherwise right now. I'd be a blubbering mess if I was in her shoes. The only thing I'm working on right now, is getting her to try standing up for herself - and not be bullied like this. The lawyer reminded her she and the brother that's been helping her with Mom, have equal shares to the others -- and the house can't be sold until it's out of probate. So, she's not going to have to live in a cardboard box under the nearest overpass next week or next month.
My instinctual reaction is to fight crap like that and I respect her differences. But she can say NO. And engage brain (which works fine between sobbing sessions) quicker and more often before saying anything in response to the "latest". Her brain is working just fine; when engaged. She and I have already determined that she's been singled out for scapegoating in this situation and there isn't any appreciation for the work involved in caring for mom the last 5-10 years pretty much singlehandedly - despite another sister being a nurse; or shared empathy and mourning at losing mom; and that as long as the financial share of the house is their top priority, "the beatings will continue whether morale improves or not".
Her only real option is to move out. And the market here is bonkers - both in prices and lack of availability. Both for rent or sale. Even on my side of the mountain. I hadn't looked much but since I have had good luck with all the online stuff and I know there's not a spare minute for her, decided I could help do that. Even bare land with no services is going for incredible amounts.
So yeah - I've had a lot of "outgoing" energy vs incoming. I had to ask B to lend me some of his energizer bunny strength. ;) He was making himself scarce while Deb was here, so as not to divide my attention.
As well, something huge has been coming up for me to be dealt with. I've known it was there for a long time; it's almost a delayed reaction to therapy a decade or more ago - the logical conclusion. Just started writing out my messy thoughts yesterday - so it's not coherent yet. And it's big enough to cause that kind of physical reaction too. Today is day 3 since the rough night... I've had 2 decent sleeps... and I'm definitely coming around today.
Hops, no vaccine for this grumpy old lady. Nor B, either. He has anaphylactic level allergies and simply can't. I know how freakin' (hyper)sensitive my body is - even to herbal things - so made my choice. I have no issues with other people making other choices for themselves. That's the way it's supposed to work. I have reservations about Hol being REQUIRED to be vaxx'd to work but she accepted it and her reaction was pretty mild; and only after the first shot. From what we think we know about this bug, that would indicate she had already had covid in such a mild form, she barely felt sick. So it's possible I have had it too. I am not high-risk for covid, in any case. For whatever reason(s) that may be. I don't think it's some kind of invincability; but neither am I so worried about getting sick when the possibility of being hit by a bus or breaking my neck around here via one wrong step is so high. Me & my own mortality have had long chats for a very long time.
I simply can't be so risk-averse that I'm not actually LIVING anymore. Too much calvinism in my basic educational makeup, I guess. Discomfort and hard work are actually good for people - up to a point. (I've seen the extreme of that; and it's NOT "good".)
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((((Amber)))))
You're doing what you believe is right for yourself, and those you love. I know that. I'm glad you have the serenity and beauty and space of the mountain, while the world winds its way beyond the damn bug. Here's to herd immunity before we all turn 90.
I relate to Deb's dilemma so much my eyebrows keep flying up on top of my head. It just astonished me, the selfishness and cruelty of what my brother put me through. It was the most frightening and painful conflict I've ever experienced. I was so glad to read about her strength showing up as it is. I truly feel for her. (And wish I'd had an Amber in my life back then.)
Something's rising for you in this downtime. I hope if it's a personal giant squid, you remember how exceedingly intelligent and curious and friendly they can be. Not monsters. Problem solvers. Tool users. Clever ink shooters. Very like you, in fact. LOL!
I wonder even if the forced quietude has enabled some kind of gift or insight or new realization that couldn't have happened for you without it. As busy as you keep yourself, sometimes that becomes avoid-the-feels. You're brave and wise and have nothing you need to prove.
hugs
Hops
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HA!
Ironically, this long quarantine was my preferred lifestyle already - then Hol & her retinue descended - and I've been just fine with that. Enjoyed myself, learned somethings - even about me - as a result. I have noticed, that with Hol not around (S is holding down the dogs & hut)... that this "something" was coming up. She can very much dominate & fill a space.
I think I know what it is - and it's definitely past it's "use by" date and time to release it. I just need the right words, which I don't have just yet. It's kinda like a whole ball of individual things rolled together that I attached to. There are lots of springs & gizmos & whatchmacallits involved. It's boring as hell to me, at this point - but the timing of coming up now for release - is interesting. So I'm just watching it, for now. Doing some writing (helps finds words that convey my meaning to others). And generally not pushing on it, or trying to pull it off me... as ever, the "why" matters to me, so I need understanding of it (them?) and the mechanisms that have made it so persistent.
I intentionally sought solitude for a few years, post-Mike, just to find out what was really ME - and what I was, in the context of other people. I didn't isolate; still had plenty of company, visitors, contact with people. I just craved wide open time to do precisely as liked, with no raised eyebrows; no askance looks; no concern from others... took awhile before I could explain all that to Hol and be sure she understood.
I'm a bit taken aback by the perception that I'm so busy. Honestly, I don't see myself that way at all. Exactly opposite. Even when I'm overwhelmed at certain times - that's more an emotional thing for me, than a "doing" thing. But see, that's the problem of using other people's yardsticks to measure our selves and why I needed to make a safe space for me to be me, in the first place.
Poor Deb. I can't imagine what her family dynamics are like or why they're this way. We have SOME things in common, belief-wise; she & I. She doesn't understand my situation with my mother & brother either. It just does not compute. But I've never spilled the whole story at one time, since I unravelled it in therapy and sequentially here. Hence, why Hol says my story is always changing - I'll include various details at some point in the telling I hadn't said previously. Deb will be OK; she just needs to convince herself.
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Sounds like an exciting time for you, Amber.
I admire your ability to stay curious and resist judging while you're teasing out what's what for yourself.
Feel healed soon.
Lighter
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Poor Deb, her relatives sound absolutely awful. What a horrible lot of stuff to be dealing with, and so soon after she's lost her mum as well. It's funny how proactive people can be when they want something; far less so when they're needed to help out a bit. Urgh.
You do always sound busy, Skep, in my head I always see you casually building another house when you have an afternoon free or rebuilding a tractor or something :) I hope the situation for Deb settles down soon enough. I hope you're able to process whatever the 'thing' is that's making it's way up and that it clears the air a bit for you xx
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Thanks all.
Deb is keeping me busy, reporting on actions she's taking at the moment and the latest from the sibs. I think she's beginning to realize she doesn't have to be so "nice" anymore, given how callously she's being treated in this situation. She also sees now, that she's reacting to the fantasy of the sibs, not the reality of the facts, of how much money can be gleaned from sale of the house and how quickly they can achieve that. It's not the reality - and she knows that. Probate won't take that long for an uncomplicated estate, but it will still take a couple to three months.
She's going to have more emotional waves hit her, but having something practical to do to protect herself and begin to get away from the additional stress is plenty to focus on to keep her moving forward.
It honestly sounds a LOT like what Hops went thru with Nbro. They're not quite blatantly nasty to her, but the hurt is the same thing about.
No news on the "thing" coming up. I realized my current journal only had a couple more blank pages in it. So I flipped to the beginning to see when it was started - late 2009. I only write when I'm sorting out something very tangled emotionally or very painful. I used to spend hours writing daily before this latest journal. It documents bank stuff from my Dad's estate, buying the beach house... the little cabin... grieving Mike... moving here and all the changes that have ensued since then, November 2016.
Hol perceives that I'm really resistent to change - but change has been the environment I've been living in for a decade. And it hasn't been personal habits or style makeovers level; it's been massive life changes. Most of that has been out of my control - and my participation was in learning, adapting, taking some risks, making some choices. I've been going with the change instead of against it. Change gives me energy. It feels alive.
So over a decade, I've just been participating in change -- and since it was so natural for me, I haven't been all tangled up in my head/emotions requiring pages & pages to be scribbled in pencil. This journal is only 1/2in thick. There was a lot of writing at the little cabin; processing grief while in "retreat". First trip was a long weekend; second was a week with Mio-mio along for the adventure.
It seems like a whole lot more things are getting sorted out now, simply by being... and not pointed & focused "thinking", writing, or pushing on it. Release seems to be an active energy in this - but it's something that's happening, nothing that needs to be micromanaged... and can't be controlled.
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It seems Hol is projecting some of her worries and fears onto you, perhaps?
In any case, it's a relief to find clarity with what is, IME.
Lighter
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Manual labor is my friend. LOL. It frees up my brain to "think" outside the control of left-brain linearity. I don't even hear the thoughts in my head (which is the ultimate solitude!!).
Got the medicinals planted; still have hot peppers to go in - but it turned very hot and humid; and now rainy. Steve's tomatoes are 3 times the size of mine. We've been texting occasionally just on farm coordination/tasks. He wants to experiment with a small patch of sorghum, which can be used for bird feed - and the flocks are growing! Baby goslings are starting to get in the pond now. Chicks are big enough to be outside now.
After last night's shower, mild thunderstorm - the lightning continued. No thunder, so I thought - heat lightning. I'd just settled down for the night with Stinker and my book... when that (all too familiar to me) C R A C K of lightning hit somewhere real close. Think I levitated about 2 ft straight up, once I reacted. Stinker had a delayed sprint too; right under the bed. I always get up to investigate if anything got hit... ham antenna, ok; Steve OK, dogs a bit unnerved, nothing on fire. I don't know; can't see if any of the trees were hit - but it was VERY close. Lightning can be worse here, than at the beach. That was something I took into consideration with the ham antenna. It needs about 33 ft of height to clear the roof line - but that makes it a lightning rod. So I got one we can push up or drop down. That antenna is just far enough away from the bedroom, that we're not in the radio wave radius. It's been down since B was here last. I finally got the longer cable I need to connect the equipment -- and in-line lightning arrestors -- which pop & break the circuit before the equipment gets fried. I might actually be able to broadcast trying to reach my west coast buddies before I have to renew my license. LOLOLOL. I qualified for a general license right before Mike got sick. Lots of hams at the beach - they are backup communications for emergency services during hurricanes.
Then, there was the deep degreasing of the oven. ugh... maintenance/prevention woulda helped but the primary issue was me moving a couple steaks to close to the broiler. My grill migrated to the hut and hasn't come back. So I'll probably get one that Buck likes. I still have the racks to clean - and I think that's going to be an outside job. Method makes a heavy duty degreaser that works pretty well.
The thing that came up is actually a combination of personal stuff and Hol stuff. And it all falls under the parental alienation category, I think. I stumbled across this the other day in passing and it just pinged so many bits & pieces & even dream stuff... for both of us... it does tend to be a multi-generational thing. I already intuitively "knew" a lot about it, when the girls went to live with their Dad - and I became the targeted parent. (I didn't even know that at the time - Hol's told me, since.) And poof! just like that the weight goes away - but I know the work is still to come when she finishes wrap on this job, comes home, rests up... and is ready tackle things. The garage is almost done; so the rest of her stuff will move down there... in time for Deb to store some of her fabric in the studio. (Another bit of crazy stuff going on again for her.)
There is still my personal stuff; and while some is pertinant to the alienation syndrome - there's a lot of other currents of things and it's not the main "theme". I'm not neglecting that while all this other stuff goes on around me. In fact, one of the things I'm following down the rabbithole is just how much "me" do I keep back for being able to take care of me - and how much time, energy, etc do I devote to being of service to others? I'm used to not having anything left for me; that's obvious. How quick am I responding when summoned by Hol for instance, when she has a need to unload her brain? Or do I just let her barge in, regardless of what I was hoping to get done today? Can I just ask her to put it off for a day? She usually checks to see if I'm in the middle of something, but it's so casual around here... she'll just pop in, grab a coffee and chat. We need to maybe adjust that. Most of the time, it doesn't matter to me. But sometimes it does. I need to know she won't take it personally if I ask her for a rain check on it....
So yeah. Figuring things out.
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Amber:
I think renegotiating boundaries is supposed to be a regular part of relationships...... never ending.
It's interesting there's anxiety... is it anxiety for you? Around redrawing adult boundaries with Hol.
I know I feel anxiety when I think about doing the same with my girls.
It feels.....
wrong, somehow.
Selfish, maybe.
Why is prioritizing our own care so confusing and difficult?
Lighter
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Yeah; the anxiety is about feeling selfish for just not feeling up to the technicolor & surround sound sharing of her thoughts, ideas, & experiences in any given moment. As if she NEEDS me to do this or she'll explode. LOLOLOL.
I keep introducing the idea that we can just hang out & chill without her sucking all the air out of a room. When she's in that place, it reminds me of my mom's monologues and the safest thing for me to do is agree, nod & keep my mouth shut. But that lack of expressing my own thoughts & feelings makes her feel crazy. LOLOLOLOLOL.
I think I'll start bringing up that our conversations almost always zero in on the same topics/themes too. That time apart doing separate things, means we have new different stuff to bring to the table & talk about.
:thumbs up:
Wait just a minute... that "same topic" might just be the thing that's really bugging her; hmmmmmmmm. That needs pondering before any action is taken.
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((((Amber))))
I spent half my life short of oxygen when either Nmom or D were holding forth...it was very anxiety provoking and draining for me.
I wonder whether the old-school I-statement could help during these arias?
"I feel _____ or _____ or _____....when you [pressure me to talk, probe into my inner workings, analyse me without asking for my okay, advise me when I haven't asked for advice....]"
What I often felt was (not that this was always their intention--their intention was anxiety relief) invisible, voiceless and even dehumanized during some of the marathon forced-listening sessions. In hindsight, I think I had a highly developed ballet routine in which I was the:
soundboard
scapegoat
target
....for their stuff. And I accepted it (passively or mostly silently) because I was trying to demonstrate love. Sacrificial, devoted, filial or maternal or even religious love. It was my early understanding from my gentle Dad's model that you absorb whatever comes from someone you love, because that level of patience and long-suffering (no pun intended) was how love works. Maybe my Dad was right. He was in a way Christlike. But I'm not able to do that. I'm more selfish than he was and I don't follow the religion he did (and for which I admired him). But I tried.
I did and would absorb a LOT of something another person simply cannot help. Compassion is the highest value, to me. But I abandoned myself. Didn't know I was alternatively allowed to peacefully assert:
I can't listen more now but let's talk tomorrow
I'm going to _____ or _____ or _____, back later
I'm going to take some time now, love you
Whatever it was. I just didn't know how to draw a line without it being a red flag to the N or the out of control. I didn't know how to be seen or heard by those whose cravings for my attention were so overwhelming (various reasons) they couldn't see or hear what their cravings were costing me.
And to do it without resentment or anger or debility. That to me was an unseen goal and a great need. Finally I am closer to that balance that I ever was before. I get practice in the occasional irritations of friendship or church politics. But there's no family left to learn on. Or lean on.
Rambling now, and I don't know if any of those images will ring a chime. Just in case.
Thinking of you, with sympathy.
hugs
Hops
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I'm not at the adult child stage yet with son but I'm reading all of these posts avidly as it seems to be something that's more difficult to define than in other relationships. And presumably that's because, for a long time, you do need to meet all of your child's needs in order to be a good parent (and quite possibly went above and beyond to avoid them experiencing any of the stuff that was part of a childhood in which needs weren't met). And of course you still love them, want what's best for them, are happy to help and I guess even as adults they know they can be more demanding of your time than they might be of a friend or a boyfriend because of the closeness and genuine care that is there. Difficult path to tread, for sure, and I've nothing at all useful to suggest but I am finding reading all of this stuff about managing your adult relationships with your own kids very helpful to store up for the future xx
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Hops:
You keep ringing bells for me lately....this time it was about not realizing what it costs us to allow others to hold forth without considering our needs, etc.
Second.... the ability to withdraw without resentment, anger or attitude..... would be AMAZING to have in hand.
I'm noticing more and more how much choice, or lack of choice, in that regard,which is something you pinged on in another post.
I wanted to start a new thread about it,but you said everything much better than I could have with twice the words.
Lighter
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Thanks, Lighter.
It feels really good to ring a chime for somebody.
hugs
Hops
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((Hops))
Lots of chimes lately.
Big wonderful clear bells.
Lighter
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I am somewhere between letting it all go in one ear & out the other...
and being totally impacted by her (almost reliving in the process) retelling of an experience or observation.
And occasionally, she pushes too far - and then this role of standing up for myself manifests. It's part mom-reflex, part friend not wanting to be pushed around or unfairly criticized, or even just me pointing out that we are different people and therefore have TWO different perspectives that may or may not agree, to a degree. And that's perfectly NORMAL. The reality of all interpersonal interactions & relationships.
Lighter - it almost feels like mental/emotional sparring, if you can relate to that reference. A form of exercise, to understand an "opponent"... and see our own weaknesses. Which is more than I described above; and the sparring thing doesn't happen that much between us. Only when I express an opinion she completely disagrees with -- and believes that my opinion is garnered from some clickbait headline somewhere. She knows I think/research/read way more on my own; where did she learn to do that?? She knows there are always underlying supporting ideas for what I believe - that can be documented, if I spoke with footnote & bibliography markups in my language.
When I can assert myself, explain background, to my statements - more often than not, we find another chunk of common ground between our perspectives. Yes, I have to be mentally "on" - in sparring mode - to achieve that with her. Sometimes people just want to relax & enjoy being with each other. I'm not nearly as verbally acrobatic or quick as she is, either - that's been acknowledged over & over. But I am able to separate a bit of myself observational self off up in a corner of the room... to watch the transaction unfold, and notice how I feel. I'm not sure she is doing anything similar or even knows such a thing is possible.
My actual point of concern, is my feeling of this expectation* (on her part) that I will be available to participate in that willingly. Theoretically, it should be easier to deal with. "Sorry, I'm just in the middle of something. Can this wait till _____?"
*and I get that my perception of the expectation is something I feel; it's MINE to deal with.
The times I've said, well - I have to finish this one thing that I wanted to get done today and I guess that will require x amount of time. Or, I just am really wrapped up in my own space right now and don't have the energy... that's all respected. No assertions, guilt-tripping, or anything about me doing that. It's just in my own frame of reference; and it's definitely THERE; no question.
Perhaps it's an archaic artifact? From the past? having no relevance to the now?
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I just felt like a hostage, when sparring.
My first husband LOVED it, and used to call me a "worthy opponent" -- as praise.
I hated it. I didn't want to debate my way through marriage, even though we were both so smart and informed and intellectual. I wanted peaceful sharing. Didn't want to be his regular opponent even though it put a gleam in his eyes. An occasional debate was fine; I hold my own. But as a way of life, with the motivation for or peak moments of connection being about criticism, disagreement or debate...it sapped me. Underneath my boldness is a sensitive nature and I'm no warrior, not built for conflict. I don't apologize for it; Ferdinand the Bull was my favorite hero.
Not first-H's fault, nor mine I guess. But for me chronic tension, a recurring need to try to protect myself from someone else's overwhelming need to argue, is one of the worst feelings there is. Especially when it's happening with someone I love. Some thrive on it, some just stress and are sickened. I'm the latter.
Everybody's different and has their different sets of tools, Amber, but where some of our experiences do intersect, I sure can relate. I feel for you.
hugs
Hops
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Hops, occasionally a topic seems important enough to me, to engage in that. And I need to be primed for it; I'm just not all the time. I'm much fonder of fun, relaxation and feeling safe these days. It feels much more intimate & connected to quietly and dispassionately talk about things instead of debating. Its an atmosphere where I can let myself sink deeper and see more about a topic. The debate atmosphere is definitely sparring to me. And that's not relaxing.
Just speculating, but I have witnessed Hol engage in this kind of sparring with her former partner. A LOT. As the relationship deteriorated, she felt like no matter what words she used - she simply wasn't being seen or heard by him. Which triggered some of her old childhood wounds. New partner is very very quiet. Self-contained even. Which is also a frustration for her. Being the only other human available - there are times that I am sure I am a "roleplay" substitute in her mental gymnastics trying to work things out trying to play HIS side of the debate. At times, I can try & model a healthier interaction... but I'm not always in that energy space... and then I get steamrolled... which flips the on switch for all my old crap to start running in the hamster wheel.
She's been working for 3 weeks. And I have to say I'm just now starting to feel much more solid within myself again. Breathe freely again; completely rest. I'm getting a lot of the things that have been on the "Amber wants..." list a long time, done. I haven't asked how it is for Steve. But he's been working at things at the hut, too. At his own pace. Being here as long as she has - without her own internal sense of motivation/accomplishment - isn't challenging enough for her. This kind of job IS a challenge, mentally, physically, emotionally... and it's the first thing she found in her life, that's been able to engage that much of her at once. There is absolutelly nothing going on at the farm, that's that intense. (By design.... and the essential nature of this project is slow & steady instead of everything happening at once).
She's been trying to decide if she'll keep working in film/tv. She SAYS she'd much rather be here - and lists all the negatives about work. But she is advancing in this job and her reputation preceeds her. It's been great to have a break from her filling absolutely every slow empty space - literally & figuratively - for me. So maybe that's a hint...
maybe I just need reserve X amount of time for me, and start reducing the "lets hang out" sessions/frequency even more. When B is here - I'll be splitting my time even further. She NEEDS to have her own life with me being a relatively smaller part of it. I've already done that once or twice, since they moved out. Might be healthier for both of us.
Thoughts.... pondering... noticing cycles and cycle times... and what happens when other people are around too. Keeping all my observations to myself (or here) for the time being. It appears that work is almost finished on the hut garage; think the last thing is to connect solar to garage electricals & hook up the garage door openers. Nothing happening on shop this week; but then B is still waiting on approval for local appts and meets with them next Thurs - MAYBE to learn yea or nay. Meanwhile he's making major progress on his end, with the house & shop stuff sort.
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Lordy, Amber...... the same phrase kept coming up for me, regarding Hol......
Drop the rope. Just don't pick it up when she's ready to engage in the tense back and forth "sparring," And I get what you mean. I used to really enjoy it..... went to class twice on sparring days, but I don't enjoy it in relatinship. Not a bit.
Hops, my first husband wanted me to keep him in line, which I resented and truthfully couldn't do. He wanted to push against me, make crazy accusations about my not loving him, argue about how much he'd changed in the marriage.... how I'd not changed an inch, like I'd committed a crime.... silly things from his childhood. I honestly think he saw his mother's face when he looked at me. He never ever saw ME. That made it easier to drop my rope, give up the need to understand WHY he'd tormented us both and release him without animosity. I used the word divorce once, filed, paid the attorney, showed up to the hearing alone and continued speaking to him, even as he behaved poorly. I came to see poor behavior, greed, insecurity as his condition....... not ours. It was better.
Some people feel comfortable sparring. It's not my comfort zone in my safe spaces. My dd18 sometimes rises up and sticks her chin out..... asserts a challenge...... maybe about politics, maybe a semi criticism of me, my beliefs, my understanding/lack of understanding about something she feels is important....... and sometimes I rise to it. I KNOW I feel the pull, the reactivity, then usually decide I don't want to make a habit of this with her. I don't want to go toe to toe, debate or spar..... discussion is OK. Not her coming at me and we are together
a
lot
lately.
We're sizing up each other's quirky habits. She often points mine out. I make an effort to stop whatever it is.... singing the same line from a song, for instance, then point out she's doing that very same thing... gently I point it out. I notice she stops pointing out my irritating habits so much. Calm is restored till next time.
We're learning how to relate adult to adult. Sometimes she rises up and is more adult than I am..... depends on what's going on. There are things that sweep me up and utterly render me a child...... paperwork, for instance at times. She may not understand what's going on, but she can see the chaos escalate a bit. And I'm more comfortable in chaos than she is. I've grown accustomed to it. Have had to operate in it for a long time without choice, so.... now that I have choice..... now that DD18 is pointing it out and asking for less of it...... I'm trying to cultivate more serenity, less chaos.
The thing about it is..... we can speak our peace most of the time without flare ups. Sometimes she's just set on sparring... won't have it any other way. I tilt my head, get some emotional distance and touch base with her. How is she doing? Usually she responds she's sinking in depression and switches away from targeting me...... she talks about what's going on in her life, which is better, but still...... it's all consuming for me if I don't sustain the distance. I feel like I'm spinning plates at times.... she's one of my most cherished plates. I remind myself all the time...... THIS plate has to keep spinning. The renovation and house and cottage can all keep as long as THIS plate, and DD20 and the Pug continue to spin....... and it helps. Or so I think.
I haven't internalized the belief....
I'll be OK, even if my kids aren't OK.
I can think about it, want to believe it's true, sometimes FEEL it's the truth, but I haven't tackled the underlying belief system behind it..... not entirely. Not yet.
Being OK, when the girls aren't OK, means I'm more responsive and helpful in appropriate ways. It means I can identify what's appropriate more easily. Less confusion. More knowing. Zero angst. More compassion. Less holding my breath. My posture remains relaxed.
Once I'm in distress, there's no getting myself out of it easily. I know that doesn't do anything to calm the girls, so I'm working on catching my posture and breathing before I fall off the edge. Learning to SEE without the frustration and fear of failure...... saying the wrong word....... working on not letting DD18 pull me into her distress.
I've worked on this in many ways.... it always looks different to me. I'm always surprised I'm still working on it.... haven't solved it yet. Keep going round and round with it when I've clearly identified it and learned strategies to figure it out.
I don't want to be hypervigilant....I relax. It's in the moments I'm busy...... not expecting the curve ball... that it typically lands. I haven't sussed out how to find the balance. See the flags and step around them without my heart rate increasing a bit...... that shot of chemicals starts the ball rolling and I understand it.
I know this..... I don't want sparring in my home. With anyone.
Darn codependence.
Lighter
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Lighter - that's it, exactly. I might use different words to describe it, but that's OK. The sense of what you're describing is what I go through. More often than sparring on a specific topic, Hol takes the floor and talks off the cuff about everything rattling through her head. Some is TMI; not my place to comment on - and she is willing to accept that. I might step in with a gentle suggestion when she starts blaming herself, kicking herself for not be ______ enough, in other situations than our interactions. I remind her it's ok to acknowledge her own needs... not try to be whatever all day, in superhero fashion for other people. They have to own and deal with their own stuff. Not her job. Any more than it's MY job, to do the same with her.
That spiel of hers can cover an infinite number of topics, rambling through the universe. LOL.
And MOST of the time, I have the energy & space to let her go on & on. It can be entertaining or instructional to just listen. Most of the time, I can stay comfortably inside my own personal space bubble too. And the challenges/sparring stuff is happening less than it did when she first moved in. I don't have a lot of distress about needing her to be OK, to be OK myself. I know a lot about her process of thinking & changing already. After 40 years, one would hope so, right? And I know that I don't necessarily have the right answers for her - even having gone through a lot of my own process. I know she does rather well, doing this on her own.
Just informed that she'll be driving back after wrap tomorrow morning (all night shift). Sleep wil be the main thing on her agenda till Monday, most likely. She might want a quick debrief... but it won't be one of her marathon sessions.
It does pain me, that she's still in the midst of struggling with her own stuff so much. I can only help as much as she'll LET me. But I've also been quick to point out how rapidly & competently she has moved through several big things in recent years. None of us ever get it all perfect, once & for all, forevermore, I don't think. It's OK that there are differences in what we deal with and how we deal with it. At least for me it is. I get the sense from time to time, she'd like to craft me according to her preferences for herself.
And I just back away slowly, never taking my eyes off her during those times. LOLOLOL. We can be so very dangerous to each other at the drop of a hat, over really stupid stuff. We try very hard NOT to be. Humor is still what we both use to de-escalate situations like that. May be twisted, dark humor - but it's still effective.
Guess I needed to spew all this out, as her re-entry is imminent. Get my head & feelings all straight again about it. Think about proposing more separate activities and less just "hanging out" because we don't want to do anything for some time, activity. A lot of the time, those conversations are positive & productive too. So overall - this isn't a major alert issue for me. Just trying to solve another chunk of the puzzle... of why she just can't be on her own, relaxing, and be content with that -- more than she is. She doesn't have any solid answers either.
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And in other news... LOL... friend Deb is needing a lot of support and safe space. She's had another meeting with the lawyer, who read thru mom's will again, more closely. As the executor, her sister is able to do pretty much as she pleases - whether it makes life difficult for Deb & her brother or not. The main concern is that sis will assume everything in the house is mom's - and remove it for donation/yard sale.
So packing & stacking lots of stuff in storage units has been going on.
Rents are higher than mortgages around here; and in the normal working & middle class price range there is almost nothing to buy. And Deb's had a hard time getting landlords/mgmt offices to call her back. The idea of moving out of mom's house is way more attractive than being triggered by what the sibs are up to. She would be able to come from work and just relax. The current situation is high drama, every day. Plus the underlying grief.
Deb seems to be accepting the circumstances as best as anyone could. But it really doesn't feel good. There is talk of moving out of state and transferring to another job elsewhere - if possible. There's a bit of decision fatigue setting in, too. And the future is well, just too big from where she's currently at. I think she's going to be able to rest some today; maybe cook so there are quick meals next week.
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Hol's crew got asked to work an extra day, and if she came home anyway, that would leave only one person doing the actual work on set so she stayed. She's been asked to day-play, as needed on the series (starts August) and she'll consider that. It's not a lot of time away commitment. We chatted a little yesterday, when she had rested. She sounds pretty good. Guess she got home about the time I woke up to let the kitties in. They finished early last night.
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Buck is still in limbo with the medical stuff. So he's trying to get as much done as he can in the meantime, to get moved in finally.
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And I'm OK. Just resting, self-care... not even picking at old scabs much. :D Silly B makes me giggle & grin. Kitties are being good company; Stinker is really loving being outside - except when it rains. He doesn't like being wet. Freddy is used to it. There was a lot of being the main switchboard - or HQ - checkin for everyone this week and few other things come up too, so I've been resting this weekend. Watching a western series. Off & on. Still cruising youtube for either interesting learning vids, or entertainment; and not finding a lot. Stuff seems so shallow and repetitive.
Heard the Oxford University Press is ceasing operations after centuries of continuous work. That really is a shame, to me. I guess books are becoming a thing of the past too. :( I suppose I'll start perusing the used bookstores again. I'm still thinking about building a library.
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Lighter,
I used to swoon with sympathy when I heard the old saying:
"A mother can only be as happy as her least-happy child."
I now believe that's a typical blame-the-mother curse and another tool for making women responsible for all the emotional work in the universe: even when there are situations and conditions that are truly beyond their control.
It makes mothers martyrs, with culture slamming down on their rebellious heads if they get to a place where it feels wrong to drown themselves trying to save a child who doesn't want to learn to swim. I think maternal martyrdom IS the wrong message to give women. Sacrificial, in an emergency moment trade your life for theirs, absolutely. I would do the same, and hand over any organs they could carve out of me to save her.
But it's not right to actively allow one's own health and sanity to deteriorate in a losing battle to redirect a self-destructive child. I believe chances are better by modeling something different.
For me, that chance is past, but it's what I'd recommend to other mothers who are drowning in guilt and helplessness. Release the guilt, and recognize that against some things, we ARE helpless. It's wise to accept reality, hard as that is. Mothers aren't and shouldn't have to be superhuman. It's a destructive delusion.
hugs
Hops
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Thanks for that, Hops.
I feel like I'm at a place where I need to focus on what's mine and do what I can about those things, particularly. As priority.
Learning to release resposibility, or perceived responsibility for grown children..... release them from codependence and associated habits...... release myself. I agree with women being blamed unjustly with regard to child rearing. It's a tough job description. Not much good training available, lots of opinions out there.
What you said about modeling something different..... ABSOLUTELY! Modeling healthy boundaries, how to set them, enforce them without anxiety and drama/trauma.... I'll teach as I learn and practice.
Everyone is healthier when I find and set healthy boundaries..... and I wasn't raised with them. I didn't know what they were. I wasn't allowed to have them IF I ever tried..... I was steamrolled in a family of people who knew what they wanted and didn't think a lot about other people's needs. I fell in line worrying about their needs. They didn't know how to teach an empath to care for herself, if it ever occurred to them.
Oh....and my father, who was spoiled silly by both his parents, was a mysoginist with ideas about women being selfish, shallow, greedy crybabies who used tears to manipulate men. I think he was fearful of women and rejection and being abandoned, which he actually engineered in his marriage to my mother, and with his gf of 18 years..... who he stole from his best friend while explaining to his children....."Integrity is everything... all that matters." Ummmm, Dad... what the hell? You had an affair with best friend's wife for years, while they lived 2 doors down, TOOK HIM INTO our home when your gf (his wife) filed to divorce him. Holy cow, Dad. How does one shove INTEGRITY down his daughter's throats while doing THAT to his best friend, who eventually found out you were stooping his wife and engaged to her. I've often wondered what went through Dad's head when he and GF went to visit her ex h in the hospital, on his death bed, dying from cancer...... what did Dad think about.... sitting there... facing the friend he'd betrayed in the all the says he SAID women betrayed HIM and all men? Really.... I'm just gobsmacked at the hypocrisy..... such nerve. To raise us feeling responsible for BEING that in the world...... when it was HIM BEING THAT in all of our worlds.
I've never cheated. I've told the truth, even when it didn't serve me well. I'm nothing nothing like what his view of women was. What he talked about ALL THE TIME.
I can tell you..... it rubbed off on me and my sister. We're unintentionally more masculine in our speach and ways of moving through the world, bc father's views on women washed into our subconscious. We were shamed badly for showing emotions, God forbid you cry.
At the same time, and oddly, wer'e also more prone to baby talking our children and perhaps SOs....... like we...... turn it on and off, maybe? I know balance would be a good thing.
Maybe we did a strange baby talk with my father... this sounds SO ICKY, but maybe the sing songy things was a belly up, surrender, lets not be enemies bc we're women and you're the big strong he man who KNOWS we deserve to be treated less than.....
Fawning.... rather than fight or flight, and I would have chosen flight every time. There were times I could barely stand to be near my father..... my sister would have to talk me into getting into the car with him. Dependence dictated I had to be in his space.
At the same time.... I remember missing family vacations to Florida with my father...... and I asked dad why we weren't going anymore. He said it was too much work. Never mind he, IMO, failed to teach us how to help, set expectations and guide us in learning. I could have been taught. My sister could have been taught. My brother could have been taught. My brother said he wasn't taught by my dad, btw.He said he learned everything he knows on his own, which is SO SO SAD.
I think my Dad felt shame about NOT teaching us. I mean... what happens when "God", my dad's nickname in his family, fails at marriage, fails to honor his best friend, fails to give his children an in tact family? Did he just give up? Because it wasn't "perfect?" Maybe.
I know he spent MORE time feeling angry at women, and talking about it. His family treated my sister and me differently. I think my Grandfather was more touchy feely, if you get my meaning. Sister and I kept our coats on when time to greet the Grandparents. They considered my brother as special, bc....BOY...but during and after the divorce they sort of considered boy THEIRS, girls belong to the mother's side. What a f'd up gross way to throw it all away, bc YOU f'd up, Dad. Just..... splendid. Andit was all Mom's fault.... SHE was the slut, the lazy as cat shit, the greedy, the one who cared only about herself selfish person and you wwere the victim, "crying" about it, never shutting the F up about it, from our POV.
All that anger and hate and vengeance.... directed at Mom..... but delivered TO your children. WTH, dad?
Really F'd up and I can see how I've set out to protect my children as best I could and nevr ever ever blame them for the stupid shite I've done. All the shame and blaming....... how terrible you must have felt about that. Just buried so deeply in it you couldn't begin to undo it. Sitting in that chair, paralyzed...... might have been a splendid relief in many ways.
You should have chosen the love of your life.... and you said so..... instead of choosing the third world woman who worked for peanuts and promised to take care of your parents FOR you. And so you chose her, and kept both women until the ultimatum came down.....and you chose poorly. Yu admitted it.
I think the most scathing piece in this, for me...... my sister and Iwere accused of behaving "like women".... or how toxic masculine men FEEL women behave .... when the truth was.... the men in our lives were the ones actually behaving that way. I remember being so frustrated by the hypocrisy but not understanding what IT WAS I was looking at. I was rendered speechless by the hypocrisy. Just...... speechless.
Being unjustly accused......was really.....
the HYPOCRISY.... after I'd sucked it up, never whined, always tried to carry my weight...... really and truly, I think my having so much masculine energy drew men with feminine energy TO me. I think it happens with DD18, as well. I think it's f'd up to have a belief system LIKE THAT in my brain... in my dd's brains..... it's not fair to anyone, frankly. It serves no one.
So... that's a lot to unpack.
Thanks for your input, Hops.
Lighter
P.S. Apologies for the long post on your thread, Amber.
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No problem Lighter.
In my recent investigative perambulations I was reviewing the basics of Nism again. I hear a lot of projection in how you describe your Dad - his behavior. And the whole parental alienation trip, I believe, happens more often concurrently with a higher degree of Nism. (Not dismissing the mysoginist tendencies - but that's too much to unpack all at once.) The head games in that overlap a lot with Nism.
With divorce so prevalent in our society (and the alternative being even worse) a lot of people have experience with this alientation syndrome - from different angles, too. Kids can suffer no matter how hard the parents try not to behave in an openly hostile fashion too. And for one reason or another, keep it to themselves. I wouldn't have any idea what it's like to have a parent bend over backwards to try to help me sort out things like this... even though I tried to be that parent. It might have unexpected impacts I just don't perceive. Ya know? It's one reason Hol & I try to talk at this depth... comparing notes, different perceptions, what really happened vs what everyone expected before it did.
For some years now, I believed examining my relationship with my Dad was just as potentially helpful - as my more obvious Mom - but in my case, my actual interactions and memories are so sparse that I have richer "files" about my neighbors than my Dad. I do occasionally get more insight by talking to the old-timers at the shop... and then have to filter the normal perceptual distortions a bit, to try to get at who I "think" he was under the boss hat. I already know why.
The generational echo & continuation of this kind of family trauma/dysfunction is a very real thing. So, even though the lens Hol might be looking at all of her experience with, might put me in the hot seat sometimes... the least I can do is try to answer her questions, compare our separate experiential memories, etc. I know she won't turn it into an excuse for bad behavior; her stated goal is to stop the generational flow into the future. I tried, too.
I can only hope that each little bit progress that we can make together/individually at manifesting something different than the generational dysfunction... contributes to people becoming wiser and safer from the worst impacts.
Oh, and one of the worst things Deb is feeling right now is her helplessness in the face of her sib's hypocrisy & projection. She is grieving that treatment & wound, right alongside missing her mom. And is now in the process of trying to move. Somewhere; temporary but long enough to let everything settle and decide what her next chapter is going to look like.
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Trying not be grumpy this morning. The masons started banging on mortar pans at 6:30 this morning. Block walls are going up on the metal shop. I had to unearth my original drawing so they knew where and how to leave openings for the windows (doors are already mapped out).
I'm a little concerned, after speaking to the contractor, that he hasn't ordered the windows yet. Hopefully, he DID order the roof trusses, insulated metal covering and steel I-beam. The windows CAN wait till that work is done.
My concern is because B is closer & closer to just making one final move-in trip - and he's pushing to make it sooner rather than later. It's not just one thing motivating him; it's practically everything. The only thing keeping him there, is the remainder of work to do, to move and selling the house.
And we both want that happen sooner rather than later - even tho my brain is so blessed good at coming up with reasons for doubting, being worried, and trying to see into the unknown future. More and more, I am telling that voice to a take a flying leap at a rolling donut.
I finished planting everything I had started from seed on Monday, when it stopped raining and cooled off. Picking raspberries almost daily - but now the lovely no-see-um biters are out for a month, and none of the sprays I have are foolproof at repelling them. I wash bites in Technu (poison ivy soap) and then apply cold black tea bags - an old hunter's remedy Buck told me about years ago.
I need to do an extended search and try to find another bigger pressure canner. Lehmans is saying they won't be available until September. I have two water bath canners. Canning lids - the flats - are also unobtanium. But I have a quite a few and 12 dz Tattlers - which are supposed to be reusable. And it's time to figure out what I want & order stuff for fall planting. Buck is bringing me a two-burner propane camp stove - the kind with legs - that I can run outside so summer kitchen ideas are popping up in the over-active, what-if we do this, brain again. LOLOL.
Rain has been frequent & enough I haven't had to water much. I still need to mulch, add compost & fertilizers (all organic) and get some BT in too. One little deer has decided I'm not too scary - and has eaten off my hostas right under the porch. First year, that's happened.
Most of the dirt in the garden looks good for this year. I didn't even hit that many rocks planting on Monday. Most of the big roots are out. Progress is slow and thoughtful; sensing what's practical and useful. I have more ideas than I have energy... and I haven't quite figured out the magic trick to make my ideas concrete in real life without me doing the work. LOLOL. It's still too soon to call the garden a success but I did hit my goal - even if I didn't quite get everything I wanted to grow this year planted. As I acclimate to working in the sun & heat again, and rearrange my schedule by seasons... it'll sort out.
Still have plenty of downtime - lazy days. Time to ponder and just be. So understand - all this stuff is just taking up space on the hamster wheel in my head. It's still more "one thing at a time" in the execution phase around here. I still have house stuff to work on... a studio remodel... decks to refurbish... landscaping to plan out... or just organically develop... and I know Hol is eagerly awaiting the day that the contractors aren't coming back to her place too.
OH... I found the salon, where the master hair cutter I used to go to, moved to. I didn't do a half bad job on my bangs... but I know she knows what my hair likes to do. Time to think about getting pretty again for my rough & tough energizer bunny. :D
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Rumor has it that B might have a local doc appt by the end of the week... so he'll have a date for his next visit.
:D :D :D
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Lord, please let B's new docs be informed and competent.
Amen
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YAY! C'mon, Buck!
Fingers, toes and various other things crossed.
hugs
Hops
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Well, this appt is less about actual treatment (at the moment) than it is - being once and for all released from care from that awful place he's been dealing with. The VA down there, at least, sounds pretty decent as they go. But this hospital is a horror. Most VAs will partner with local hospitals for treatments they can't provide in-house; but the oversight and accountability and approval processes are a giant catch-22. Most VAs are mostly nursing homes. So they don't handle any specialties or surgeries.
So the focus is, once free of them, he is also free to relocate. And his healthcare will be more in his own hands than previously. This whole gauntlet of deadends and boobytraps (the bureaucratic kind) will cease. New doc sounds promising; IIRC his name was one my Step-D said was on her recommendation list. Yes, the local VA partners with her hospital/healthcare system. There is reason for cautious optimism.
I'm not getting too far ahead of myself yet. Once we have an absolute date, then I'll let myself get excited. Meanwhile I have all my own stuff to work at and take care of... and that's what I've been trying nudge another step or two or three ahead.
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I'll keep my fingers crossed, Skep, it all sounds such a pointless and endless nightmare to deal with and is the last thing anyone needs on top of whatever health problems it is they're having to manage. I will be wearing my 'Free Buck From The System' T shirt :) Lol xx
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Thanks Tupp!
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OK, why they can't be more specific I don't know (lots of little things are beginning to really get to me this week) but within 2 weeks, Buck will have an appt here. Maybe it has to do with the travel involved; it's beyond me. He's planning on staying 2 weeks this time. Or longer - if the doc thinks there's something they can do quickly to help with the occasional pain flare ups.
Not sure yet, his arrival date. Even right up until this morning, this whole process has been tense & stressful. For both of us.
My Oak trees are turning brown at the ends of some branches. I dug around a bit online, and found out it's due to the cicadas laying eggs in the branches. Won't hurt the trees, long term, but it looks weird.
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Oh, hon.
Hang in there.
The last leg of some endless jog you've been taking is always the most excruciating. Every footfall feels like a mountain climb and all of a sudden, you can't BELIEVE considering what you've already patiently slogged through, to have a summit in view (foggily) but are you really, really not THERE yet???? It's hard to relax.
Ooooof. So hard.
Counter-intuitive though it may be right now, you deserve still, and always, and importantly, some ... RELAX. Relaxation. Swooshy cosmic distant perspective. Faith in things unfolding as they will and you being able to fly along.
I am sending all sorts of good vibes to you both...a mental hot tub, whatever relaaaaaaaaaxes you. Regardless of B. Amber deserves to hit Pause and relax.
big hugs,
Hops
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Well Hops. There has been plenty of relaxation - mixed in with all the rest of the stuff. But because I relaxed plenty, the usual chores need to be caught up with - plus a few things I'd hoped to have finished organizationally around here too. It's just that once the mind is resigned to "waiting" for a specific item to occur before getting back into gear and finishing up things...
when it does happen, it takes a little bit to register. I swear I was totally numb after I heard the news; completely detached and in neutral. It's not the energy of "must make everything perfect" that's looming; he knows and doesn't care about the chaos & mess from Hol living here/moving/still stuff stored here. As he says, "it's casual". I just had certain things I wanted to NOT have on my list to deal with, while he's here. So the man doesn't work sunup to sundown and we can go do fun things.
ETA: the "cobs" have been busy making webs again, I see. And I need to deal with skeeter nurseries and wasp/hornet nests too.
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Hang tough, Amber. Your future's unfolding
s
l ow
lyyyy.....
but it's unfolding.
Lighter
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Aw, Skep. I'm hoping just being there will be a good health booster for Buck. I know he's a big tough guy but I guess that's because he's had to be. I can only imagine that your company for him and that feeling of finally living life for himself? for the two of you? will do him the power of good in other ways as well. And I very much hope that the docs where you are can be a bit more helpful than the situation he's been dealing with in his own area. Aw. It's so cute! I can't wait to hear when the big day is finally here :) xx
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It's danged slow Lighter. But be that as it may, it's still want I want to have happen. I can't just fling open the heart space until I know for sure, however. Too many times of getting my hopes up; wishing & hoping. And while that leaves me head-centered - that's allowing to me to focus just on me and what I'm doing.
OOOOooooo Tupp! Your second sight is working at optimum frequency. We just haven't been together for a long enough stretch to explore that very much yet. There IS a whole intangible level of benefit we get from being together. Individually, at different times - we notice it. Other times, we second-guess ourselves and doubt it. The "too good to be true" effect. And we're both experienced enough to know that not everything stays copacetic all the time. Dealing with friction, difference of opinon, even general grumpiness. For instance. None of that escalates, though; I've found he's able to communicate forthright and clear and that emboldens me to say my piece, too. And then we decide to deal with it - and move on.
Yesterday was physical energy day around here. I got some things done I'd wanted to do for years. Then I retreated to the a/c in the studio because I've had to replace the mesh fabric on my chaise lounges. Too much salt air, sun & pollen exposure takes it's toll even on nylon. Instead - Hol emptied the studio of all her sewing stuff. Her sewing room at the Hut is finally equipped and ready for raw materials. Then, she decided it was time to move some tremendously heavy items of furniture around, per some ideas we talked about for the eventual remodel/redecoration that's still down a ways on the priority list. She's almost opened up enough room for a dance floor at this point.
There's going to be a lot of brainstorming around here again. Masons are done laying the block for the metal shop. Contractor called to say the roof trusses will be here next week. The electrician will be working in Hol's garage and then she just needs the plumber and some minor painting done and her concrete patio sealed... and Hut project will be officially done. Bringing in Buck's ideas and energy - and DIY skills - means we can do more projects ourselves. So we might be rethinking the building usages. B and I will do the finish work on the shop to his liking. Space in the barn & studio garage will also open up.
The next phase of the farm is commencing - one agonizingly slow step at a time. But I'm kinda liking this speed. Every once in a while one of us gets this burst of energy and kaboom... another big chunk is done. Hol is feeling less & less attached to spending time with me and has heard me, when I explain that given this leap of faith I'm making with a new relationship, some quiet me time is necessary. We don't have to give up "our life together" on the farm... but we do need to live our own lives separately. It's also good for me to work alone at things; at my pace. Without having her more youthful energy reminding me I used to be able to go like that too. When I try to; I pay for it in lost days. Recovering.
I've gotta get moving and go water the garden before it gets ungodly hot today.
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Yay to guarding the threshhold of your heart-space with conscious care, Amber. That's not paranoia, it's simple self esteem.
Yay also to the palpable mutual benefit you feel when you're with B. The "fit."
Yay to Hol being less vampirish these days as her reviving autonomy gets her more off your back, emotionally.
Yay to respect for and realism about waxing and waning energy variations, and a slower pace (with exciting bursts).
And lastly, yay to reminding me to water, so I put down the laptop and just did. Thanks!
hugs
Hops
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LOLOLOLOLOL. I should've done it yesterday, Hops, but I forgot. I got carried away on the other stuff. But I also consoled myself with some gardener's philosophy that if you water too often, the plants will come to depend on that amount. (Lovely excuse, isn't it???) Maybe it's true; maybe it's not. But it was useful in that then I had to commit and plan my morning to get out & get it done. It does kinda help me, to plan the next morning's "have tos" the day before when it's hot like this. Much better for me to a be a slug in the a/c in the hottest part of the day, thinking about making food for dinner and wasting time online then.
This is a big change to a sacred routine I started in T, all those years ago. Just taking as much time as I wanted in the morning, right from the 1st cup o' coffee... until I felt ready to tackle my day. It did help a lot when I was still working and dealing with a lot of people and their software problems. It let me get my wits about me FIRST, before venturing forth out amongst people. But, except for the odd contractor or real emergency -- I don't need that much time anymore. I'm not working out or through big things. And getting the earlier start before the heat of the day... keeps the momentum wheels turning for the days it is pleasant to spend hours working outside.
I had monumentally strange dreams last night. Freddy woke me up from the first one, pawing the door to go out - then I heard liquid pouring. I thought he was peeing in front of the door - mad at me. Nope; he did his old trick of knocking over my glass of water. Been awhile since he pulled that one. I keep a commuter lid on it now - but I still had to get up at 4 am, turn the light on and wipe it up. Went back to sleep till 7 or so... and I dunno what my brain was doing... but generally it's not all that inventive if I dream and remember it. This was Firesign Theater, Monty Python and who knows WHAT all rolled into one insanely absurd plot. I pulled the main message out of it, but geez... embellishment much?
:rolleyes:
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Well Hops, here we go again... SSDD.
The hospital billing dept here, won't clear B for an appt date, until DOD gives them an approval.
DOD won't approve anything without a set appt date in their request.
B and the VA Director are thinking a wrong medical code was attached to this request for a 2nd opinion/consultation. It is still getting worked out.
I'm thinking I might put my brain & back to work more intensely, on taking my herbal knowledge to the next level. Because there isn't anything else I can think of to DO, to help. Even if I know it's still going to have limited impact, it's better than being stuck in a never-ending limbo... where it seems you are helpless against "the system" which seems by design to continue to deny you the help you need for the most rediculous of bureaucratic reasons.
S I G H.
On a more positive note, Deb has found a place to rent that isn't more expensive than a mortgage payment, short term; 6 months to a year. She's moving next weekend, fingers crossed. Hol and I will go help. Seems the bossy sister & warped greedy BIL gave Deb and her brother, till the end of July to move out. This buys her some time to get through grieving and take her time looking for something to buy; maybe even relocate to another state - along with change her job. But right at the moment her job is the one thing in her life that HASN'T gone topsy-turvy and I don't think she needs anything else to think about right now.
Being somewhere where those siblings can't demand she do x, y or z on unreasonable notice while she's going through something intense... sounds like heaven to her. She's chalking up that behavior to naivete and greed; I'm thinking this has been planned for awhile - but I can be a lot more cynical about people's motives than she wants to be. Deb is called "emotional" because she's still in the early stages of dealing with her mom being gone. They didn't express emotion even at the funeral; just started right in on plans to sell the house. Told her, SOME of the sibs want their money. It's only been a couple of months.
I "mom" pretty good. And Deb and I have been close since her Dad dies a decade+ ago. Inititally, she couldn't think at all. I know that feeling from the months after Mike died. It took me two-three months to just start thinking about what I had to do. And I dove deep into the feeling side of until I was tired of crying at everything. So having to think about major life change on top of major grief... to do both at once... it was the right thing to do, for me step in for awhile and help her think; find things she could control for herself; and support her emotionally as best I can. (Hol doesn't think I'm terribly good at that side of it. Oh well, that's what she thinks... and where does she run with that stuff?? Mom.)
This past week, Deb's been clearer again. Resigned; not happy; but clearer. So I'm already stepping back a little. She's smart and capable; competent. She makes good decisions. She deserves someone to formally give her, some space & control back. Which her "family" doesn't seem to want to do. So we figured out a way for her to claim her own. She said the best thing about this whole mess is she's lost 20 lbs - between fasting and working. That's been a longterm goal of hers.
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So, who do we murder to get B his freedom to come? Damn. I'm so sorry.
Really good to hear Deb is finding her way through her stages, and away from the toxic siblings. Those little sh*ts.
I hope amid all these dramas, not to mention Hol's, you do and determinedly put Amber health and peace up front. Even if you have to do it over and over again.
We got soaking rain yesterday and last night, finally. Next problem will be WEEDS.
hugs
Hops
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I planted right in among the weeds Hops. I was in a hurry. Weather too hot, and I took advantage of a short temp break. So another silly gardening excuse, is that the weeds help mulch the good plants. LOLOLOLOLOL. They also compete for nutrients & water, so it's a serious trade-off. And my overly-compensating sense of order wants to see soft bare dirt between all my rows, ya know??
These kinds of drama - except perhaps Hol's - aren't deep; aren't mine except through support; and in this case neither Deb or B are being needy about it. Deb has NEEDED more support; someone to bounce things off of and talk her out of defeatist, giving up feelings. B just needs me to have something positive to think about except this 5 year nightmare. And keep the communication going. He's not as talky as Hol is... but he does like to know I'm here and haven't turned my back on him; shut him out. We already have "code" for when I'm involved in something or he is - where we're not going to respond to each other for a bit. There isn't any resentment about either of us taking care of our own stuff. My own dramas in the past - and the untangling of them - has at least given me the ability to choose whether I'm really needed or can be effective, when someone I care about is going through something. And sometimes I fail -- or just. can't. right now. And that's OK.
Gotta run; I found the girl who during the covid year changed salons... and she gets to cut my hair today. :D I can trust her and after the bad cut I got at her old place... I'm really looking forward to it, and having my face frame back into some semblance of "pretty" - not just practical - again.
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God, Skep, you and B must just want to smash your heads against a wall each time it happens. Are they unconnected places as well? So you wouldn't just be dealing with one person who can sort out both problems? I wouldn't even want to imagine how many people's health problems are made worse by the stress of dealing with system. Crazy stuff. I do know what you mean about wanting to understand more about herbs - anything that might help feels better than just sitting waiting for people to do their admin properly. So infuriating. Can only say I hope they sort it out (again!). I'm glad there seems to be a solution for Deb's living arrangements coming up. Her siblings sound horrible.
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Thanks Tupp. Yes, it's two different places. My local major hospital and his VA/Dept of Defense system - that, I'm given to understand now, that even though he's officially "retired", because of his disability benefit (they classify him as unhirable even though he can work circles around me) if we simply go around and outside of the VA system... without "permission"/approval... then he either loses his sizable pension or the disability benefit... and there is a chance he could lose both.
As frustrating as this is, I know there are veterans who have even worse stories to tell about how they're not free to take care of themselves, on their own dime or via private insurance - due to the system playing god with these men & women. Making the choices (without benefit of a medical degree) FOR THEM, based on silly rules and financial "investment" in the former troops.
This is, to my way of thinking, a real irony... since they fought for "freedom" (or political agendas) and end up losing their own freedom over their own bodies and healthcare. I have ideas about solutions; ways to change the system. But I'm realistic in my expectation that anything like those ideas will ever be implemented and the troops set free from it.
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That's exactly the problem we have here, Skep - paper pushers and policy makers making the decisions instead of doctors (or just giving the reins to the patient and saying "you've got x amount of funding available - we need receipts"). So frustrating and yes, that concept of 'freedom' means very different things for different people. I do hope they get their fingers out and get things sorted out for him soon. So maddening! xx
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Fingers crossed, toes crossed, and eyes crossed Tupp. It is the very last obstacle holding him back.
The formalities have been done on listing his house; it goes "live" 8/4. He's in an area where developers are buying up whole neighborhoods, demolishing existing homes and building new stuff. And the cycle the market is in, anyway, has increased the value of his property some, beyond normal expectations. Of course, I know from experience that one can't count any chickens until the check is in the bank.
That means he needs to finish up removing all the various odds & bits of equipment he has saved for years, thinking he might need that part some day. ;) It's taken him awhile - but I understand. I spent most of a year "purging" & packing at the beach house before my move and 5 years later I STILL have some boxes I haven't opened & sorted.
"Unhirable" my brain-dead exhausted butt. When he finally is able to get an appt here, one of the things we'll discuss is me going back with him, to help pack. He didn't automatically accept my offer...so I'm interested in what his concerns are. Because he has engrained in his values, that the man provides... financially... he's sensitive to moving here without much in his bank account, too. But more than anything else, I think what I'm sensing from him is "old guy, set in his ways", no matter how difficult it is - it will be the way he's chosen. Its who he is.
There's a bit of dignity and self-respect and the old-fashioned concept of "honor" all rolled up in that too. Both from his native traditions and being a southerner. But I suppose after 40 years of (mostly) living below the Mason-Dixon line, I'm a southerner too. Some old Yankee values floating around in my psyche... but they're entirely compatible with that sense of "honor". I helped him unload heavy tools the last time he came up -- and he told me he's completely unused to his partner helping him; working beside him. I don't know any other way to be - except when I'm the one doing everything while someone else is too... whatever... not to help.
Guess I'm indulging in a bit of a lazy Sunday morning mental ramble. Observations that don't have any earth-shattering significance, no deep analysis or ulterior motive or meaning. Babbling... contentedly. This is one of the few places I can do that without youse guys getting worried I'm dealing with something impossibly heavy... or that needs "fixin"... it just is - what it is for this moment. It'll be something else in a little bit. It always is.
It was so nice seeing my "master hair cutter" again. I like her; has a young son. She didn't remember my previous haircut - it was 18 months ago and this is the 2nd salon she's been at. Seems to be an more independent contractor situation for her. Keeps her own appts and manages her own payments. So the scheduling is more flexible for her, too. Some of her other clients have followed her too. So she put in pretty bangs (I'd tried cutting my own again, out of frustration) and a little face framing. My issue with various styles is keeping enough volume at the cheekbone level to not drag down my long face. The overall length is just below the shoulders now (from Jan.) and I can easily pull it back when it's super hot or I'm working. In a couple months, I'll have her shorten it again to just below chin length. It's been the easiest, best style for me since my wardrobe is mostly jeans & overalls now. And I am still purging a lot of the dress-up stuff out of my closet.
Which is one of my lazy Sunday jobs. Hol is gonna make a donation run and I need to make some closet space for Buck. I really don't wear half the clothes I've got. I don't NEED so many different kinds of things anymore. I've found J. Jill's style works pretty well for my body, and it can be casual or a little dressier with some accessories. AND most importantly - everything is comfortable. I'll also back to LL Bean stuff, for quality work clothes - because no one else offers things appropriate for older women in something that isn't a size 2. Even Hol has noticed and some of her friends in the film industry. We're thinking we might try to expand on that idea in the sewing studios. Hers is coming together pretty quickly. Mine is still in transition because I don't get a lot of time to be there without her presence, energy and insistence on helping implement "her vision". This is one of the things I want to do all by myself. My taste isn't hers. I like hers - just not for me. This something we're navigating now. Among all the other stuff. LOLOL.
Nothing I try doing for my wrist - is fixing it; it's taking forever to get to the point that it doesn't hurt when I wash dishes. It's all in the position of my hand. It's usually swollen in the morning too; like I'm holding it a long time uncomfortably while I'm sleeping. I guess I need to get it x-rayed and looked at, but not until we help Deb move on Friday next. Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all - then I move in a normal way and it gets tweaked again. Buck even sent me some lidocaine ointment that he was given for his level pain. Mine's not nearly that bad; just annoyance level.
Yeah, I could use my dishwasher. Yeah, it probably needs total rest. One of the things that tweaks it every time is putting a bra on or taking it off. No, I probably shouldn't be holding my cast iron skillets in that hand to wash them, rinse them. I don't have any choice but to keep using it - to take care of myself - while trying to pay close attention to what NOT to do when moving it. No, I don't think it's arthritis. Probably something more like tendonitis. I hurt it last year, too - when John & I demo'd the bedroom fireplace. So it probably happened when Hol & I were trying to hitch up the disc to the ranger. Stupid thing weighs 300 lbs. B already has a solution for that problem.
Warrior Buck gets to be Farmer Buck pretty soon. :D He's looking forward to it, he says. He hasn't seen my list yet. LOLOLOLOLOL.
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Oh lordy, Amber.
Your wrist reminds me of my shoulder. Been in pain for months.
For whatever good urging does, I urge you to stop using it and go get it properly diagnosed, scanned, whatever... the long-term impairment would be much more frustrating for you than the short-term inability to lift and haul and hurt it further.
I hate the creeping more-fragiler that has come upon me, but I will fight back medically, as needed.
I've just (unfortunately) recently met folks my age whose knee or shoulder (or wrist) issues have become permanent limitations, sometimes because they left it too long without PT or appropriate medical treatment. Would hate to see you in that boat.
(And I'm likely projecting my own fears about one-wingedness. Been hurting so much in the mornings I start the day with a minute of tears.) Generally, it's calm if all I do is type. And I still manage laundry and dishes, though I pay for it in pain.
Aaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhh. VERY excited to hear Buck's house news! He must be determined to come no matter what.
That's big.
hugs
Hops
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You're talking about Bean's cotton pants? elastic waistband? Way back when they even had side seam pockets; I wore them for tai chi. I haven't bought any in a decade because J. Jill's Pure Jill, slim leg cotton pants took top spot in my closet. But now those are hard to find on the website lately (sniff! these are year-round weight* comfy slacks that look a lot nicer than "pull on pants"... just like Bean's used to, also) so I'll probably order a pair from Bean. Let you know about the fabric.
*I add light base layers under them in the winter.
Hops, I know - I need to get it looked at sooner than later. It's been a recurring thing for me. First time was back when I was still working. That job consisted of being on the 'puter all the time pretty much. So, yes; carpal tunnel did occur to me. It's not broken, that much I know. Because I'm almost double-jointed (loose ligaments) I generally have a lot more range of motion in all my joints... and if pushed too far, it can cause tears or sprains that take forever to heal. All I did was step down from a small step - and had the same kind of injury to my ankle. That took over a year to heal completely - and it STILL can tweak on me. And I generally know "just because you can, doesn't mean you should."
I have quite the collection of wrist braces now; my new "accessory" category - LOLOL. That's because none of 'em are tolerable to me for more than a couple hours... and there isn't any improvement from resting it or wearing a brace all day.
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Well, with us being apart - we're both pretty busy with our own stuff. But he's been pretty cheery, despite the ongoing battles to untangle red tape and simplify the process. He usually touches base when he takes a break to cool off which is nice. So I get updates all day long.
But not even the mail works the way used to anymore. Last week, I just got the open enrollment package for my healthcare. Date on cover letter was the end of April; enrollment was in May. I got the pkg end of June.
:shocked face: NOT.
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Still no appt date yet. Roof is getting started on the metal shop; there are some odds & ends to finish up at the Hut - but Hol is already expanding out into the garage, downstairs, happily nesting.
She is also dealing with some triggering of old crap she's endured since childhood. She is displacing and projecting a lot of that old stuff, too - totally irrationally. I have mentioned yet again, that therapy is the best place to work that out... and she's not short of time or resources to do that work. She's given two out three old and very needy (emotionally) "friends" a dose of hard real truth, recently. That might've been enough to trigger this other stuff coming up for her. She seems to be willing to unpack all that & look at and purge, repurpose and make different choices.
I'm scaring myself at how grounded I can stay; how objective I can be observing the "themes" that are repeated in these refrains. I've historically been one to take things personally and react immediately and strongly; defensively. But none of this stuff is about me. None of my issues are kicking off in response to her acting out what she's suffered. I wouldn't guarantee I could always be this way - but right now, I guess I'm in a good place to handle this. Not taking on her work for her. Not my job.
One thing I sense - is that the closer we get to the time B is here, the more anxious she gets about losing the monopoly she thinks she has on my time/attention. I've had to point out that over the years, our lives have had more & less space between them, as far as time to spend together. And we've both been just fine. I guess I was just a few years older than her, when I went through my own "facing the music of the past".
Tomorrow, she and I are driving into town early to help Deb & her bro move. That will divert her awhile and use up physical energy. She has about a week of work in the big city, first of next month. And S is taking a few jobs too. While expanding his permaculture empire. LOLOL.
B has been on watch during the worst of TS Elsa; he has one tree to cut up so missed the worst of the storm. We had a pretty good storm last night too. We needed the rain.
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It's only taken 3 weeks to get B's mess sorted out up here. DoD called him today and said to call the hospital here tomorrow and get his appt.
FINALLY.
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That is brilliant news, Skep, albeit frustrating that it's taken so long again to do something so simple! Keeping fingers crossed that things go a lot more smoothly now :) xx
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WOW! Sorry to ask, but could you reiterate exacttttttly what getting one DOD-approved appt at your local hospital means for B?
I mean, does that mean...all these health-care access (paid for by DOD) issues are actually over?
I'm afraid to hope! But oh so READY.
Can't imagine how ready you must be.
hugs
Hops
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That's great news about approval to make doc appt for, B.
About time, too.
Lighter
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If I knew exxxxactttttly, I'd tell ya Hops.
I know it means, that after he's examined by the doc up here (and gets a copy of his medical history transferred) and Doc delivers 2nd opinion on the state of B, at this point... and recommends a treatment, if any.... DoD will most likely approve (in their own sweet time) things up here. He's been released by all the docs at the old hospital.
Which, at the bottom of all that, means he's free to move, still have his healthcare - and I believe, that he'll be able to also have some choice about what kind of insurance he has. I THINK. (I'm gonna do some research on that today; he's retired... unless something changed about policy, he should be able to be free of these crazy restrictions.)
Moving Debbie yesterday in that heat & humidity took a LOT out of me (I wasn't able to do much about the heavy lifting - but I did do my best to keep her from wandering off into the reasons the move was necessary and get finished by the time the rental truck had to go back. Hol did most of the heavy lifting and squeezing things thru doors, with Deb's bro. They'll have to go back to mom's for a few odds & ends today I think. It was one of those days where there was only one thing to do, accomplish, get done... and no time to entertain anything else going on. So B's message about dates was received, taken in... and promptly put aside until Hol & I got back & started to unwind.
My brain simply couldn't shift gears until the evening. It was one of those "all hands on deck and stay focused" situations yesterday. And then, I was exhausted... still overheated... and so today, I can let myself focus on me, B, and what's about to happen. (Hol just said, she's not picking up anything and carrying it anywhere today.) :D
B travels on the 30th; plans to be here for 2 weeks. I haven't moved the dresser he can use downstairs yet. But I did do a deep purge in my closet... and the guest room upstairs has been cleared & cleaned, in case he's bringing the antique bedroom furniture this time. He sounds so excited; like a kid told he'll be going to Disneyland... LOLOL. I am much more calm, relaxed (or is that TIRED?) than I expected to be. I do know that'll change.
So today is rest, relax, recover and regroup day. Tomorrow is soon enough to make a to-do list.
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I'm so hopeful for you and B, Amber.
He looks very much like a late neighbor at the lake....familiar. Competent.
You've both worked hard to manifest this merging of lives. I hope it's the most fun🌞
Dies B go back to finish selling house after 2 week visit?
Lighter
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It's already set up to go on the market while he's here, Lighter. What I'm hoping is that by the time he gets here, the roof will be on the shop and the windows & doors ordered... so can move his tools & equipment when he's all packed up & ready.
I'm still pretty grounded in the practical details right now. Not willing to let my imagination & fantasy run free just yet. (Done enough of that so far, anyway.) I have a personal "rule" about big projects... which is, to slow down and move very carefully on the finishing details. No rush; no pressure; take your time & get it right.
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More brutal heat, for the foreseeable future. Maybe next weekend, the highs will moderate somewhat. Good thing, because I'm starting to run out of inside work/projects. Not even swimming sounds attractive; I've seen crazy UV numbers lately.
Even Hol is feeling this heat, trying to work. Freddy is crashed out under the loveseat on the porch and Mr. Stinker just asked to go back inside. It's not 10 am yet.
I am afraid to go look at the garden, but I think I'll have to today. "Chance of rain" for this week has mostly turned out to be "no rain". It will be late; maybe 8 pm. Still enough daylight but the temp doesn't start to drop until then. But there's not much we can do about the weather.
Hol is doing a lot of deep work on responsibility for other people's emotions, boundaries, rescuing, etc. these days. She's starting to come to terms with it's OK for her to ask for and expect reciprocity from her relationships. And of course, her process is 110% intense drama. I think this unusual calm that's come over me is my new way of not participating in all that kind of thing anymore. I can check in with my feelings, listen for intuition insights, and apply common sense logic and intentional kindness (when warranted). I've dropped back into the merely supporting Hol's interests and minding my own, as she's actively blazing her trail with this kind of thing. Otherwise, this would take too much time & energy away from myself and the things I'm engaged in, in my own life.
I think Deb is pretty well settled in her new place. It's very shady; quiet street; friendly neighbor; closer to her work. I believe she can finally take her time to make it function and still feel like "home" - till she can find a place to buy. There will finally be time to do the needed emotional processing too. And work her way to the point of making choices about what's next. I don't know if she'll visit while B is here, or not. She does want to meet him. The distance is more like an hour out here now, for her.
Hol has worked overtime to try to persuade me to second-guess my feelings about B; to not trust a thing he says to me; even to the point of worrying that he'll put my - our physical safety in danger. SIGH... and then, she flips from that dark point of view and wishes me much happiness and tells me she doesn't pick up any of those "flags" from B himself. So, whatever is in her head is coming out in a strange way for her - since she is the collector & protector of stray dogs, cats & people... always claiming that "people are going to people" and we have no right to judge them.... while she's judging them. After having heard her out multiple times on this topic, I realize most of the anxiety, fear, judgement, and protectiveness (sometimes proactive defensiveness)... is way more about her, than B. I haven't been able to find a conclusive answer to a question about this, that came up for me...
which is whether people who have suffered N-abuse for a lengthy amount of time/acutely... sometimes turn the tables and act out that abuse on others. I know in the N-parent, and parental alienation realm, people grow up not knowing that there isn't anything "normal" about that situation; that it's not "just human nature" to try to control people to that level. And so they can perpetuate the dysfunctional behaviors/relational abnormalities. Fortunately, I think she's starting to become cognizant of this... and since it really is the polar opposite of who she is most of the time... and since I have point by point calmly dismantled the structure of assumptions or past history (hers) her fears are based on... and there was a brutally honest Q&A session between her and I, we're moving forward in a more comfortable place.
The main difference in our personality styles, is that I'm quiet; don't overshare my private life details; and dislike intense emotional drama. She considers that secretive, a defense mechanism, indicative of negative, dangerous plans (her imagination is as active as mine), "bad" in some way. But, for as much as she likes to talk about herself, her opinions & life... she keeps a good bit behind closed doors too. Just isn't admitting it, as of yet. For a couple years now, I've been aware that often these accusations/judgements aren't really about ME; it's her acting out, role playing her process with someone else. I've started to suggest who that might be in her life, gently; without pressure to agree with me.
But like I mentioned, we're currently in a better place right now. More based on actual things going on. Less speculation/assumption/imagination. Being busy most definitely HELPS. And things are going to stay busy around here for a bit. Both she & S have upcoming work; he's taking on a challenging but very interesting project and will be gone for most of a month.
B is stressing himself out; psyching himself up too - to move things along now and get settled again. I have to insist he stops and rests. And I'm trying to devise a new miracle potion that will faciilitate everyone to just CHILL OUT. It's exhausting me, just watching everyone tie themselves up in knots, ya know?
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Yes, I hear you.
I think lots of extra self-care, personal spa retreats etc., are really importan right now, to keep you out of others' whirlpools. You can do this.
whether people who have suffered N-abuse for a lengthy amount of time/acutely... sometimes turn the tables and act out that abuse on others.
I would say yes, if abuse includes nonstop control, direction and manipulation. I carry permanent guilt that before I knew what Nism was, I left my young D to the f***d-up "mercies" of my Nmother three days a week. Afternoons, occasional overnights. I was an exhausted single mother with a demanding FT job at the U., and my mother was SOOOOO eager to offer childcare -- after school, any time I had an appointment, etc. It was meant well, I'm sure. And there no overt physical or intentional abuse either. I know Nmom loved my D as much as anyone ever, but it was unfortunately that twisted, controlling N-love.
I am haunted by one memory. Nmom used to do this horribly fake performance of delight every time we came to the door for a dropoff -- a little-girlish squeal of fake surprise, clapping her hands, and doing a big FAKE "gasp" of joy. One day, little D trudged up the steps and, expressionless, offered a fake sigh-gasp the moment Nmom opened the door. My heart sank.
Then, D's father...dunno if he was an N, but was self-absorbed he greatly lacked empathy. So when it was his weekend, she was on her own emotionally. And he just skipped the mid-week take her for dinner he was entitled to.
I felt drained, paralysed, helpless...and back then, couldn't have figured out how to draw a firm boundary around Nmom's controlling/charming dominance if I'd tried. So she got exposed to way too much of it.
Guilt's both ever-ready to leap up again, and pointless. But I agree with your statement.
Sadly,
Hops
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Aww, Hops. If I know anything about you, I know you did your very best as an overwhelmed mother. I know you had the best possible intentions and love....always love, for your child.
Amber, I'm excited about B's countdown and the work you and Hol are doing together and apart. You're ability to sustain emotional distance, to maintain your balance, is huge, ime.
It's also helpful to Hol. You're showing her how it's done. You're expanding her choice too, imo.
Lighter
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OH Hops.... let's put that scrapbook down for now, shall we? I was also a single mom and well-remember how many directions were pulling at me at one time; how many times I dropped the ball - or flat out failed my girls. We were poor as dirt. But there were GOOD memories too.
Lighter, this has been a part of Hol's & my relationship for so long - and absolutely a necessary part of parenting for me - and rewarding to watch her take in concepts and make them her own, her own way, even when it's not at all how I would do it. This last "brutally honest" conversation she pushed me to, in order to correct some misperceptions about me and my intentions... has germinated already. She's doing her solitary work now, more often.
Everyone knows the "too good to be true", "waiting for the other shoe to drop" pessimism that can cause people who've experienced abuse to always expect the tables to be turned on them. I kinda think (now) that's a big part of her accusations. She kept trying on a lot possible "ulterior motives" for why I've shared the farm, built the hut, etc on me and not taking my rejection of ownership of those motives as anything other than denial. (That's why the fencing analogy is so apt for our talks... :rolleyes: ) But the clarity I was able to summon and the intensity of the expression of said clarity, I think, has finally gotten through her disbelief that such good luck was earned and deserved. She knows how to fight and work and struggle to make it day to day too. But the experience of being safe, protected, wanted & accepted for just how she is/who she is... and the gratitude side is just now sinking in. And when I point out that she can already make her own choices and share with the less fortunate - or just those she appreciates - you can see her eyes turn inward. New stuff; not bad stuff - but scary coz she hasn't done it before.
She's already starting to align on a different wavelength. A new diner opened up locally. She stopped in to pick up a selection to try and was surprised to be spoken to by name. The lovely guy who built our fence chatted her up, and talked to her about working - either independently, around here or possibly for the new business he's starting with his son. That kind of serendipitous interaction is what happens when you've worked to let go bad stuff... work on cultivating positive energy and habits... and to her, I know it's symbolic of being accepted and belonging here. And with mom reminding her that like the ocean tides - we've been able to maintain our relationship whether it's up close & personal or there's distance between us. As far as I'm concerned, if her choices about living her life take her away from here for a good part of the year, it doesn't change anything else. But just like I don't interfere with what they're doing at the hut - I don't need a minder or guardian up here either. We can separate quite satisfactorily with as many acres as is owned. And she and I communicate pretty freely even on extremely difficult topics. So it's as good as it can be, even if it's not perfect.
Whatever is going on in that overactive, obsessive brain of hers... it had to be addressed before I could shift gears to thinking about B again. And I forgot - I had to make sure Debbie was squared away, temporarily, in a safe and peaceful place too.
I have paid my "mom dues". I am allowed to have MY life, the way I choose to have it, 20 years after I said I was going to do exactly that - and then got conscripted back into the old role again. And ya know? she respects that more than I thought she would. And I can see her growing into a new role herself... and letting herself grow past the "old stuff" and limitations and experiences. It's been a fertile environment for that.
B and I are in countdown mode. Truck's reserved, he's packed and ready to roll out. LOLOLOL. A couple more bureaucratic details to nail down. I don't have that much to prepare either... and plenty of days to do it.
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Call me crazy, but if his house is going on the market now and...
B and I are in countdown mode. Truck's reserved, he's packed and ready to roll out. LOLOLOL. A couple more bureaucratic details to nail down.
It sounds so eeerily similar to this thing they call, you know, MOVING?
Can I get excited now? Can I believe this is real now? Ooo, can I please?
(I shall obey.)
biiiig hugs,
Hops
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Holly, Amber. I hope you can shift back into B mode. Lots going on for you.
Lighter
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Yes, you can get excited now Hops. Yes it's real.
He and I will talk in more detail when he's here, about a lot of things, but primarily logistics and timing.
You'll understand, perhaps, that I'm reluctant to just feel all that kind of thing - staying grounded for now - until we're face to face.
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Yup, I do. Sorry for heading over the top.
Grounded is good, sane, calm.
Grounded gets you there.
Go, grounded!
hugs
Hops
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Hey, it's cheerful that at least SOMEONE is happy for me. Now the kids are trying to set conditions that are based on fearful biased imagination that he's some kind of axe murderer or evil native shaman. I guess that's what happens when you don't talk to people or try to get to know them. Hol has invested a little more time that way, than S has.
And in her mind, I'm a desperately lonely old lady with non-existent boundaries of feeble cognitive decisionmaking abilities. Running a business, managing construction on the farm, helping my friends and 5-6 years of celebacy and resisting her attempts to get me into "online dating" with people who didn't want to talk - just hook up. AND also putting up with the people she's forced into my sphere of "home" and trying to help them. She didn't give me any choice about S moving in here. Shoe's on the other foot now.
Right. Try another one. Pfffffft. She never liked the "judge a book by it's cover" from other people... and here she is, practicing stereotyping and intolerance while proclaiming her principles of fairness. It's gotten downright tiresome as often as it comes up. I've heard her worries, concerns, fears all loud and clear; acknowledged them even though I see things differently and my authority and assurances are dismissed as "wishful thinking"; fantasy. So I'm avoiding her today. Texts are going back & forth still - but it's all farm related coordination & chitchat.
I guess there WAS some fantasy & wishful thinking involved. I imagined that they would be adult enough to manage their own concerns and not prejudge/condemn or put down Mom's decision/judgement for how she wants to live her life. I can't make anyone feel anything to suit me; and they have a right to their fears - within reason. They don't get to dictate conditions to me or B. Maybe time will change those feelings; maybe they won't. They aren't prisoners here and neither am I. But now that I have a very clear picture of what those feelings are - I don't need it shoved in my face every other day. And I've already said what I have to say about all of that, given my word that their wishes will be respected - and STILL it goes on. The old lady with no boundaries (ha!) isn't going to try to dictate anything to them. And I'd prefer if they could see their way to that in turn. Maybe that'll sink in eventually; maybe not - I'm releasing the expectation about that.
So I'm just going to shut down that topic between us for the time being. They'll both be working out of town while B's here this trip so still won't have an opportunity to talk directly with him. Hol HAS his phone number.
So YES. I'm staying as grounded as I can under the circumstances. I can only manage me. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to move into "happy phase" unless this stops coming up all the time. Fortunately, B understands and doesn't take it personally. But he will ALSO be protective of me and I can foresee conflict being one comment away under these circumstances.
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Amber:
What do you think about psoriatic arthritis as a possible cause for your wrist symptoms?
My sister dealing with swelling in wrist and pain that comes and goes too. Thinking this could be involved.
Lighter
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I'm glad you're shutting down the topic, Amber.
You have every right to your privacy in your own relationship.
Reminds me of how one has to train a dog who jumps on everybody.
You don't train the dog, you train the person being jumped on.
They have to turn sideways and look away from the dog and not engage it at all, until it's sitting or at least no longer leaping at them.
Maybe if you say ONCE more:
"I don't want to discuss my relationship with B any more; that's my private space."
And if more comments/challenges/questions just keep coming...
....turn aside
....disengage
....walk away
Repetez. They'll catch on.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. But, fwiw: I hope you can say to yourself -- I am not going to start again, justifying or re-justifying or defending or explaining my personal choices.
Affirm your privacy, in silence and in dignity. Turn aside. Walk away. They'll catch on eventually. I so hope, anyway.
hugs
Hops
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Hops, I guess it was naive of me to think that 100+ acres was enough room for us to both comfortably live our lives without interfering with each other or boundary transgressions. But there is some entitlement or expectation that other people must cater to specific (and changing) items for personal, individual feelings of safety & emotional security. The personal space isn't equivalent to the topographical space.
I think you already know, I know, it's not in my job description to do that for other people. Even while I can empathize and support people and even actively help them deal with their live's requirements. That kind of emotional security comes from inside a person - it can't be bestowed on anyone externally. And material resources are NOT a reliable source of security, as I know full well.
I think the nut of why I'm angry is because of the feeling of entitlement to put conditions on B - when the person expecting agreement here, refused any and all on themselves. And refuses to communicate directly on these topics, instead putting Hol in the role of messenger. Its not a volcanic, reactionary anger mind you. It feels like trying to manage my relationship from where I sit. And given how scrupulous I've been about not engaging in that kind of thing, it seems terribly unfair. I can be angry and still maintain that standard. I manage my emotions way better than I used to without them impacting other people. I can discuss the emotion and reasoning behind it, calmly and rationally.
But then, since moving in here, Hol has kinda been applying pressure to manage me, what I should want or do, etc - as if she's trying to mold me into what she thinks I should be. HAHAhahahahahahaa. The universe, life, and a long parade of people have tried that too. Good luck, kid. I promised myself when the girls were both 18-20, that these years were when I was going to let my hair down, wear purple polka-dots on a lime green background, just do "me", and if it scandalizes anyone - tough titties. If they want to classify me as some kind of stereotype built out of imaginary fears - have at it.
I think I'm finally secure enough in my "self" to not obsess overmuch on trying to manage other people's feelings and to separate their responsibility from mine... draw that boundary; be clear and firm, but kind; and not cave or roll over due to childish threats. And while I can put some things off limits - I can still hear out what other people have to say. Instead of just withdrawing; closing up.
Guess, I'm just trying to talk out loud... the mental process I'm going through right now. Hol has legitimate reason to seek reassurance that I'm not going to rewrite the estate plan, because I'm beginning a new partner relationship. She's questioning the whole issue of "trust" - that faith one knows another person - and talking is how she connects the best. I can accept she has some fears/anxiety about that. There is one legal idea I had played with way back when we were planning the Hut; I think it's time I did that research. MAYBE it'll help. Its more of a long-term lease agreement that happens on farms, sometimes.
I find it interesting that I can be angry about certain behaviors - but not the whole person. I think that's different too. It's kinda a big shift for me. Wonder where THAT came from?
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Amber:
It's ok to step out of the triangles.
You aren't leaving Hol behind, though sheight feel you are. You're simply changing your position in her orbit.
There, but ....not available for boundary transgressions or attempt to control you. Just out if her reach isn't abandonment.
As for S and his concerns....perhaps her can find a way to communicate them without using Hol as a mouthpiece.
If he hates you, resents you.....things aren't going to improve, ime. Things will get worse, then better when you remove yourself so Hol SEES S, his words and actions separate from you.
I had to continue being appropriate while DD19's bf seethed and hated me while living under my roof with DD. Well, I chose to remain appropriate and have boundaries and rules creating more comfort for me and more pressure for him.....the inevitable moved along more quickly. The girls did better when I was holding boundaries and not holding in resentments and fears. I spoke my truth.
Eventually DD identified her silly little boy bf's actions and words as problems, bc I refused to be involved outside the reasonable boundary enforcement. I didn't let them argue about them. They had to deal it not deal. Didn't matter to me. I tried to be zen about it.
DD now sees that boy poisoned her mind against me. She allowed it. I handled it. She talks about finding a man who likes her family and supports her happiness rather than sabotaging and chaos manufacturing for the sake of it, which is how it felt to DD and to me.
The boy had nothing to gain from making DD rebel and resent a present parent who supported her in appropriate ways.
The truth is....I think the boy was bent on trauma bonding DD and me to him, having the control and access to sibling standing in the household and was angry it wasn't handed to him,even when he shared sad stories about his childhood he felt should have melted me the way it melted DD.
Just state your boundaries to whomever needs to hear them, then hold them.
Hil won't hear you if you explain S and his behaviors to her.
She will be able to SEE for herself if you remove yourself from the view, ime.
Hol might accuse you of abandoning her. She might make more demands on S' behalf....very likely, ime. Just stay the course, take care of you and your business.
Once she believes you aren't going to do the dance of enmeshment, she'll turn toward her stuff more fully, ime.
We never got to the place where the bf spoke to me or stopped whining and making demands on DD....that she handle what he created within the home and his relationship with me.
If I told DD I would speak to the bf myself....at times....I could see her relief and worry in equal measure, but she could SEE healthier possibilities for dealing with the problems where she wasn't in the middle, being leveraged and tormented by a small, petty, self sabotaging boy child. Mom was an adult, refusing to get dragged,even if DD allowed herself to be dragged in.....Mom had choices. DD could see more choices and eventually she stood up, adjusted her tool belt and used those new tools for herself.
Sometimes it was breathtaking sweeps of bravery. Sometimes she went behind the scenes and instigated change without tipping her hand, but she did it for herself.
I kept most of my frustration to myself, sometimes daydreaming, but mostly being patient, appropriate and out if emotional spaces and views with regard to their stuff.....HIS stuff with me really.
And all I required was....the boy stop living in Dad's bedroom.....he had to appear for meals in the kitchen and he had to go into the moss daily and pick up sticks for half an hour.
A child would resist those boundaries, imo. He relented, but his hatred for me grew and grew till he was nothing but tedious, boring and stinky angry boy taking up all the oxygen in what used to be DD's sacred space. Home. Her respite from the world and then she dealt with it herself.
Had I done it, I would have been the focus. Maybe she'd still be dealing with the bf and at this point she can't believe she dated him. She sees she was the only amazing thing in that relationship. She understands setting boundaries and standards to get her needs met while cultivating laughter, happiness and joy instead of PD chaos and strife.
Tried that. Didn't work fer her. It impacted our relationship negatively in a way she could understand, despite the devil in her bedroom telling her it was all me, my rules, my refusal to give him what he wanted, feel pity for him, let him whine till she bullied me into compliance on her behalf.
What, in the above, was mine to deal with? That was difficult to discern at times, but less was more. My T helped me hold that line consistently.
Once we state boundaries....letting go of the outcome makes holding them so much easier, ime.
As long as we try to control it NEED certain outcomes .... we're easily lost.
Let Hol and S make their choices. Let them deal with their consequences without your emotional input.
You can be sad if they make sad choices, but they still deal with their own sad consequences.
I think Hol will be angry/confused/ frustrated...
then she'll see clarity. She'll feel more balance and refusal to engage in chaos manufacture as an option, bc you showed her exactly how to do it.
I also stopped offering advice unless DD specifically asked for it and then I'd see things a couple ways....state them with zero expectation, then withdraw into my life again.
It gave her space to feel the weight if her decisions. Mom wasn't going to carry any of it for her anymore.
We go through this again and again. Always with the same result. The girls do better when I tend to my business and tell them I trust them to handle theirs.
It goes in and out of focus, but that's ok. I'm doing my best. I know you are too.
I think adjustments will be easier if S drops the triangulation before B arrives, btw.
Lighter
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Thanks, youse guys.
Yeah, I'm pretty familiar with triangulation and it's impacts. I'm pretty sure that's not being intentionally pursued; but it's real none the less.
There are several different, disparate things all wrapped up in the turd package that gets dropped on me repetitively. So, I spent some time teasing it all apart, looking for mutually agreeable solutions. One is the legal option that popped into my head, talking out the situation in the last post. It's a very simple - but legal - contract that insures Hol's security to occupy what is technically, my hut & property. And also gives her power to make decisions about land usage. It also protects me, from someone taking advantage of either of us and doing something totally against my wishes. It's a fairly common thing out here in the "country". Been around for years. And since Hol and I communicate clearly even about difficult topics, I have a high degree of confidence there aren't any plans to do something I'd completely object to, and vice versa.
It also makes her the authority/responsible party in her household. ;)
That should give the whole triangulation situation a good dose of reality cold shower. She also knows what triangulation is and is aware of her position in this game. But being the sole signee of the agreement, should simplify and clarify the chain of command around here... and if there are trust issues still to dealt with, that needs to be worked out between THEM. And not via Hol to me.
One problem/solution at a time.
This has been a crazy busy month that way for me. Still looking for a replacement bookeeper to replace the retiring one. Last guy quit on the first day; wanted to only work part time and said that there was too much to learn. :rolleyes:
Between her & I, there are other complexities - including the whole estate plan and how all that happens.
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I'm pretty sure that's not being intentionally pursued
Yes. It's not a strategy or clever plot...
I'm going to make some presumptuous statements that you should reject out of hand if I'm either out of line or way wrong, and I apologize for that likelihood in advance.
It's not an intentional plot or strategy but instinctive, dysfunctional, and entitled behavior on the part of Hol and Steve that you (forgive me) enabled for a while by engaging in so many "explanations/analyses/reflections/dissections/conversations" with Hol about it all. If that same intellectual/verbal energy had gone into boundary setting....wishes were horses.
You've retreated tremendously (and soooo healthily) from nearly all of that, and it was arduous, courageous work getting there. But unfortunately the pattern was set when she first arrived, dysfunctional parasitic friends in her wake. You love her dearly and were so driven by that love to understand all, that you almost abandoned all. You wanted SO much for the "family compound dream" to be beautiful that when toxicity first arrived or manifested, whether in Hol or her friends, you tried to analyse/discuss/interpret/dissect what was happening instead of knowing (at that time) that if you felt what you felt (criticized, attacked, belittled, undermined) -- it didn't MATTER what was happening, it mattered that it STOP.
Hol is not a mirror of my D. And I know my experience with my D jaundices me severely. So maybe a whole shaker of salt should be dumped on these thoughts. I think my directness sounds like certainty and I got no certainty. Zero.
I see what you say about Hol now, and your communication now, as so so so so much better.
I love the idea of giving her legal authority over her home space. I think that's a wonderful way to support her continuing to mature. The outcome can't be certain but it certainly is a great step to take. YOU keep ownership and ultimate control, but she gets agency enough to strengthen her resolve in her own relationship if she's willing. If it turns out that she's not going to use that agency in the way you're hoping re. Steve...it would be good to imagine how you'd reconcile with that outcome. What if Steve is a fixture on the farm for the rest of your life? Unpleasant thought but maybe one that should be thunk.
Meanwhile, with or without B's presence, I am so impressed with your courage and persistence in sticking up for yourself and sorting things out, Amber. It has been amazingly complex and it all began on the very heels of your grief. And solitude.
big hugs,
Hops
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Skep, I must admit I do sometimes get confused with all the various things that are going on, both emotional and physical, which is why I don't often chime in much. But I would like to say that I'm delighted that B is finally packed up and ready to roll and I did laugh out loud at the comment in one of the posts that you are seen as "a desperately lonely old lady with non-existent boundaries of feeble cognitive decisionmaking abilities". Couldn't be more different to the image I have in my mind of an incredibly intelligent and astute business woman, homesteader, survivor of many difficult emotional events and general all round bad ass. In my head I see you coming out of a business meeting pausing only to wrestle a mountain lion who got in the way before going home to knock up something delicious entirely from home produce. 'Feeble cognition' just isn't registering with me lol. I am looking forward very much to hearing stories of you snuggled up in the evening with your mountain man and I have to admit I wouldn't be too displeased to hear he'd planted his toe up S's arse for him :) Forgive my bluntness! Lol. I hope he's there soon and I hope you can just enjoy him. You so deserve to just have a nice time and a bit of fun xx
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Well....whatever the dynamics in place, B will surely give his opinions and decide what part he'll play or not play.
My codependent Spidey senses are banging pots and pans over B and S and Hol pulling shite, calling each other on it and attempts to leverage you to control the situation, force you to choose sides and create turmoil/drive B away. Not that I have a handle on your reality. I'm sure I don't.
Just saying.....economy if motion to shut down whispers of triangulation are worth having to hand proactively. The legal paperwork seems pointed and intended to do that, but dysfunctional behaviors don't understand logic, ime.
So.....consequences and responses will be important to have at hand, maybe the most important things, ime.
How to address problems and keep moving without getting sucked into conflict and upset.
Yup yup yup.
Maybe B's arrival will bring calm and nothing else. It could happen🌞
Very excited with countdown!
Lighter
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Hops, thanks for that! It helps; you're zeroing in on the less dominant emotional component that I'm experiencing. (or maybe less PRACTICED). I've been writing - but the paths to staying in my head are much smoother than simply letting the feeling BE.
Tupp, you're not the only one confused! I am used to the impact of "Hurricane Holly" on my life, sometimes. And I still get confused. Yes, B has definite perceptions and opinions. And suggestions for handling the situation his way. They remain in the realm of "evil fantasy"... and he's promised unless we're directly confronted, that he'll let me lead with my way (diplomacy after a fashion) first.
Lighter - on the spidey senses - this is exactly why I'm putting in so much proactive energy & time right now. Ahead of a situation developing. Neither Hol or I want to be responsible for the two guys' emotions - especially in regards to each other. We've already discussed that. The agreement protects both of us and simplifies for her, things with S. He only has to manage his relationship w/Hol... instead of imagining that I (w or w/o B) will pull the rug out from under him.
I am truly ambivalent about him. On the one hand - his ideas and dreams are entirely consistent with the goal of self-sustainability. He is constantly studying and applying his knowledge to valuable projects. He is very good at using tools - he just fits the cartoon image of the absent-minded professor when it comes to tool management. No amount of talking, explaining or logic can get through his own way of doing things. I am openly expressively grateful for his efforts.
It has only barely thawed him out as far as talking to me. With Hol sometimes being gone and it's just he & I here, a micro-amount of progress was made. Direct questions usually do get answered. My offer of more tools to assist his projects wasn't a response to a request, it was just my experience of the situation... with, of course, the caveat that they are returned in good shape.
I have absolutely no interest in exploring his personal history which (per Hol) is somewhat traumatic and has made him terribly fearful and paranoid/pessimistic about how he's seen by others. That's Hol's option if she wants to take it on but that hasn't happened yet either.
She is kinda distancing from me, time together, very recently. She is pushing herself to find a way to quit smoking; has work coming up again for a week; and S will be gone for almost a month on a very interesting work assignment. She also knows that I'm developing this agreement and that it puts her in complete control over the hut situation. And that seems to have relaxed her a bit. We're talking more about the business, too. But distance or not - we're still operating at the same level of honest open communication. Something in her perspective has shifted.
With Hol, if she isn't talking about it - she doesn't even have clue one herself what's changed. She seems more relaxed. We still see each other briefly almost every day and still constantly coordinate/plan/figure out some future stuff - even though we know that's not written in stone. LOLOL... she's found a series on Netflix called "Sucession"; and it's just about this kind of family/business transition. As much as it's fiction - it's helping inform her on what she wants to ask/know about. And it's funny, so that helps.
I need some quiet "me time" anyway to address some long-postponed house clearing; paperwork wrangling; deciding where things will go now that's mostly moved out... and to have the quiet time to sort out my feelings about B - sans the backdrop of everything going on here - and in that context. He and I have talked alot about we need and envision that the relationship can provide a structure for; but none of the day of day boundaries/divisions of individually personal versus shared stuff beyond types of work.
I've spent time reviewing/summarizing every major relationship I've been in - as fairly as possible, given I kept changing & growing with each one... so still share responsibility in the relationship, but so did they. I'm still not finding, or hearing any whispers of red flags... and when something does make me question or doubt - a quick conversation clears it up. As hard as Hol sometimes think I evaluate S, fact of the matter is that whole process of being alone after Mike did a whole lot to make me a lot stronger. Even before she brought her influence to bear; and she will admit that I successfully resisted taking on board things that just weren't right for me or that I didn't want.
Just because I'm not as physically capable of busting ass, doesn't mean I'm a pushover in other ways - and her steamrolling me and giving me no choice doesn't either. She is well aware of every single time I was considering pulling rank and issuing an ultimatum. Some were carried out; but as close as I came - I never pulled rank on S's presence. The understanding is that I will not interfere in her relationship -- and she'll leave mine alone too. So I don't have to listen to her grumble about her irritations with him, she is the sole responsible party for making that work or not. She wants more involvement from him - that's up to her to ask, insist, or demand. There seems to be some progress on that front... but her standards have gotten pretty high - even while I wouldn't be able to tolerate what she does. She has finally internalized that all those kinds of things are different with she & I - despite some things strongly in common. It's only some. We can also drive each other crazy; yet we still care and trust each other at some deep non-verbal level.
This is just the panorama of life around here. The more people involved, the more complexity and potential for both good things and conflicts. That interpersonal reality is just as important to me as the farm's infrastructure, productivity, and the business & employees that make all this possible. If it were still just me here - not nearly as much activity would be going on - of any kind. There are only so many hats I can wear 24/7, 365. LOLOLOL.
B's presence DOES impart a sense of calm for me. Peace. A steady force for good. Freddy woke me up from dreaming about him. Try as I would, I couldn't go back into that dream - but it was just what I needed.
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Amber:
I do wonder what B considers a boundary transgression requiring his "input" in regard to S and perhaps Hol.
I wonder if his instincts are healthy. I wonder if his idea of boundaries and when to stop transgressions is to be trusted AND if you can allow it w/o crawling out if your skin.
Seems he might be a stabilizing force you can trust. I hope you do.
Also seems you agree discussion will always be on the table between you and B. He's unlikely to act, bc some tacit agreement will always be in place.
Honestly, I would like the farm to have a healthy male energy......just no pussy footing around bologna, kwim?
But without negative judgy emotional outbursts. Just calm no nonsense flying over the turbulence energy.
I don't think I ask too much if B; )
I guess I'm trying to SEE down the healthy, appropriate path while understanding what takes one down less productive, joyful paths.
Don't mind me my musings if they aren't applicable.
I'm glad the sorting if property seems to b calming things down.
I assume you're setting up trusts for your grandsons?
Lighter
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The whole estate thing was settled before B was ever in the picture as more than a friend. Everyone's been taken care of... and in the hands of Hol, who has the best grasp of the history to make good judgements. She also has an "out" if she'd rather not accept that responsibility at that time.
B and I have discussed at length the situation here. In gory detail. I realize not everyone would want to arrive on the scene, expect to have the freedom of a full relationship with me - sans my other hats - as if it would be if I lived alone still and I have left the door wide open for him to change his mind, if he doesn't like the boundaries I've drawn around how Hol and I are working things out. If he didn't accept that, or respect it or telegraphed that he thought he could change my mind... he wouldn't still be working to get here. At my request. It's a situational condition that is part & parcel of who I am. I have the same condition in reverse, since he has two daughters. Even though they will be at some distance most of the time - anything can and usually does eventually happen.
The type of commitment we have is a tad unusual (understating things again). He has promised that if for any reason whatsoever, I'm no longer comfortable with him here - that after telling him that, he'll be gone in 48 hrs. And in reverse, if this is too much petty drama for him to deal with, I will also let him go. Neither one of us wants to be where we're not wanted or to hang onto what doesn't want us. Those are the current terms. Remember - I already have a reputation as being a "difficult, too intense, woman". LOLOLOL. And Hol can be just as intense. Neither one of us is pretending otherwise, but we accept we're not everyone's cup of tea.
He has just as much reason to be wary of us, as anyone here might be of him. I've done the background; I've researched and verified the facts (to the best of my ability) of what he's told me about himself. I'm in just as much contact with him, as I am with Hol on a daily basis. I see his reactions to things in his life. It IS my job to worry about, suss out, try to uncover any potential red flags that would affect everyone on the farm. And yes, I'm well aware that conmen exist and are extremely slick. I haven't exactly lived under a rock my whole life -- even if Hol isn't aware of some parts of my past history.
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To me, it just sounds like the man is in love with you and has an old-school sense of honor.
hugs
Hops
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::sigh::.
Sometimes things getting worked out is just that, even if it feels like the world flying apart bc old experiences and reactivity, don't'cha know.
You and B seem to have distilled things down to manageable pieces and understandings. As much as can be managed, at any rate.
Well done.
Bring in the man!
Lighter
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11 more days... :)
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Oh, yeah!
Keep posting that countdown, we'll count with you!!!
(((((Amber & Buck, sittin' in a tree.....)))))
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Well I'm just looking forward to reading that he's there, he's unpacked and you and him are just having some fun together. Lord knows you've both been through enough and I think this time of life - sans career plans/families to raise/issues to sort out - should just be fun. I know the other stuff still applies - business, ongoing grown up kid stuff etc - but no-one else is your responsibility and more and I want to hear about you and Buck out on a tractor in matching lime green jumpsuits and cowboy hats :) Lol xx
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Lime green isn't either of our colors... and I know his suggestion would be cowboy hats and no clothes. LOLOLOLOLOL. (I'd better order a case of sunscreen.) To the point, we're designing signal flags to warn Hol to call first before just dropping by - so she doesn't need a subscribe & save for eye bleach as the old farts play. You know, nekkid Taco Tuesday.... full moon bonfires and dances in the moss...
<insert frozen wide, emotionally scarred for life, eyes>
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
None of that is seriously planned of course. It's just fun; and the man is infinitely creative at coming up with stuff like this... that I think he's found & re-activated my play button. What's that saying - it might be lyrics to an old Little Feat song - The Old Folks Boogie - about the body not being able to keep up with ideas, feelings, and imagination??
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_nFwwjBlEc
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I think naked moss dancing bonfires should be mandatory.
::Nod::
Lighter
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YOU be naked.
It will be kinder to everyone if I wear a mumu.
:)
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7 days and counting...
and the separation I've been able to maintain between knowing the long wait meant I had to keep going & doing - and the upwelling energy & emotion of knowing he'll be sitting next to me soon - OH LOOK! What's that bright light in the sky peeking out through the clouds of putting one foot in front of the other and doing what "needs doing"?
My two favorite words he tells me about preparations is "it's casual". Says we'll figure out the "doing" when he's here. My least favorite word is: SOON. If I just let emotion make my decisions, it's not soon enough for me.
But there are some things I've wanted to do - address - before he gets here; it's all on the necessary list but I haven't been able to focus on them till now. Doing those doesn't have any "feeling" attached beyond the satisfaction of establishing a bit more order in my space. Making room for "new". I couldn't focus because of how much energy was involved in stopping myself yearning for the impossible and not having a deadline.
Then, there was the interference of having Hol trying to completely second-guess my feelings and decision based on some fears of hers, that she CAN admit (without prompting) are slightly irrational. I don't know if they are strictly her own fears either. I suspect, don't know, suspect that she's simply absorbed someone else's fear and is championing that cause to me (again). I am definitely picking up undercurrents this week, that she is purposely giving me my space and holding her tongue. For whatever her reasons are. We still connect about every day for a little bit and share ideas, accomplishments, etc. I expect sometime over this weekend we'll have another of our "check-in" hangouts.
She will be working the first week or so that B is here. And then S will be working for about a month out of state. So there will some time for her, to - on her own - take a second chance to get to know B. Without pre-judging, hopefully. But I can't control any of that and since she's not convinced that her Hut world will remain intact (B is having all kinds of projections thrown at him -- even as far as "willing" nature to create difficulties out of thin air - LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL - talk about irrational) she just has to have some experience before trusting, that all will be well.
For some reason, she's less eager to review the land lease agreement now than she was initially. I don't know what's going on and I'm leaving her some space to sort out whatever is going on with her - and S. Mom's a little busy this week. We'll touch base this weekend. An easy explanation is that she's trying to quit smoking and it's always harder if you're around someone who is. It could be that's all it is. And it could be she's accepted that I will - within my responsibility of farm manager - make it as possible for everyone to do and be as comfortable and safe and free to live, as I can.
She is busy; sorting out her sewing studio. Came back from B'more Monday with a bunch of new leather hides she got half off. She's got a nice stash now. The plan is to get her business from home organized; make some things and "test market" them. Looks like I might be back in the web design business again... since B is planning the same sort of thing in a different medium. Hol and I are going to learn patternmaking for sewing too. That's a logical next step because commercial patterns simply aren't covering the types of things we want to make.
:D
So, I'm not worrying about all this. Just winging it and finding spaces to relax & take care of me. Take things as they come.
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Amber:
If you had another month, only, to love your farm and Hol and kitties....what would that feel like?
I wish there was an easier way to see everything around us through fresh eyes, focused on what's around us. Not looking ahead to what needs done next.
We miss being present, ime. We miss the joy in every moment, ime.
It's a shame being present can't be bottled.
Lighter
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((((Amber)))))
Do you WANT to have "another weekend hangout checkin" with Hol this weekend?
Do you want to be alone, enjoying your preparations in the present? Unconcerned with convincing/persuading/proposing/placating Hol's interfering fears?
I'm glad she's trying to quit smoking. If that makes her back off from you a bit, that's good for you both! Maybe she's finally turning a little bit away from YOUR life and choices and focusing more on her own.
Maybe it would be healthier for you both not to be wedded to an every-weekend big discussion? Could the farm work okay with a few less of those? And particularly, maybe the door to analysing/explaining/reminding/suggesting ways for her to think about B should be shut now?
It will all unfold. Everybody is an adult. Y'all can figure it out as you go. You deserve distance, privacy, space in which to live and enjoy your very own relationship. Belongs to you. Not to Hol or Steve or even to your farm. B is YOUR business.
"Don't poke the river; it flows by itself."
hugs
Hops
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Yes, CB. Hear, hear to good boundaries, always.
I put a stop on the mail for 30 days while we figure out what size PO box to purchase. It's 80.00 or 200.00 a year, depending on the size. I just don't have the bandwidth to think that through.
And..... this is the wrong thread, but I do want to say.... my Father set up caretaker/live in maid to have access to funds, pay bills, etc. We don't feel bad about what she has. She deserved to have security. A home paid for. Children here, and we facilitated that mission, along with my father's very disturbing choices. They impacted our lives, as well as his. Caretakers life got easier, in ways and harder. Certainly her income improved and it should have. I would have voted in a pay hike had she brought it up.
The stuck point, for me, is the stock in our name and my late father's name....which she was used to taking..... while dad lived it was exactly as it should have been. We didn't know how much it was and she misrepresented what it was before and after he passed away. Our bad. Not hers. Creature of opportunity and that's human nature. She was worthy of security. I'm glad she has that, but at the point it's being hidden from sis executor..... taken out of sister's mail on counter.... it becomes something else, IMO.
Lighter
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Yes, Hops. I want to be in the loop on what's going on around here. So do they.
Fortunately, naval gazing, analyzing me (and everyone else) and being intrusively critical doesn't seem to be as important to her since she got it all out the last couple times and she knows I care and have been hearing her the whole time. I can see that trait is still there, but she's currently managing it differently. I think she's finally figured out what function it was serving in her life - in the past; sees it's less relevant/useful to her in the present; and deep down she would like to moderate it, or let it go. She's doing massive work on boundaries these past few months. I'm just one of the people in her life that she's had to decide - more intentionally - whether she's getting what she needs or not and why not; if she was part of the problem.
It's good for both her & I to have a girl's get together weekly. It becomes a new form of "social activity", because even though we - of necessity - talk every day, it's real brief and impersonal. Whichever of us is going to town, checks to see if the other needs anything - eggs, milk, whatever. She gives me updates or a show & tell of the organization and sorting process she's going through, to be able to comfortably work in her tiny sewing room/studio. That kind of thing. Gets us out of our own 4 walls (we use the studio) for a change of scenery that's comfy. She finds new music to share... and vice versa.
So, boundaries are being redrawn and re-established... but with the one promise that when one of us has some big ugly buzzard sitting on our heads, we CAN talk to each other about it. Our relationship has gone from not living together for 20 some years - and then on vacation weekends, etc. really getting a chance to be an "us" again (with those personal boundaries intact)... to she and S were living in my house, while the Hut was being built (not comfortable for any of us, and there were friction points & conflicts... and yet overall, it worked and we're still speaking to each other mostly civilly most days) and we're still establishing how it's going to work between the cabin & Hut; we need to spend more time in the new Hut-neighbor space; she & S have to figure out how they want that to work, versus how I actually need it work (and there just isn't that much I'm asking of them) and that new form of "life on the farm" is still being settled. I think she heard me when I said I still wanted her to have her own separate life - no matter what that entails; I'll be fine - even though we're on the same chunk of the earth. I don't "need" to be taken care of and neither does she. But there are times and jobs when it's much easier & safer with more than one set of hands. She consults me on a lot of creative projects. Or not too - because when she's in her zone, I know to just sit back and wait because it's always amazing what she's concocting.
And now, into the mix comes B. LOLOLOLOL. There are a lot of different eddies, pools, and currents in the stream of life around here. The kids are just getting started on their own place - and regardless of qualitative judgements - anyone else in the mix would be disruptive; a new energy to understand, find ways to work with, and be comfortable with. So I can appreciate where, from their perspective, it feels too fast. But from B's and mine - this has been coming together gradually over years. I remember when his D STARTED HS and his concerns. I remember the beginning of this 5 year medical nightmare. Over the years, we moved from casual acquaintances to friends to whatever creative name we could give this form of commitment. So, for me - I took in information about him slowly, gradually, organically. I was able to cross-reference. For them, it was a fait accompli - boom - this new person is getting dropped into the slightly unstable mix of the 3 of us, which is still a work in progress. Of course, they feel more disruption and trepidation. Even more confusing, is how long it's taking - allowing more time for imagination and worries to rise to the top.
Part of her expectation to have a window into B and me, is her oversharing tendency about her relationship. I keep having to tell her TMI.... even as I realize she's asking for an outside opinion, a way to manage things differently, etc. ADVICE. She expects the same kind of full disclosure from her girlfriends, I think. It's a shade or two different with your mom, IMO. But I DO accept that her curiosity and concern comes from a caring (albeit interfering) place. And I think she's finally realizing it's not her job to manage other people, educate them, and she's kinda at that gawky stage. Because of Hol, I'm learning to not take what other people think or their "observations" or opinions personally. We're both readjusting and redrawing boundaries. The first time B came to stay a week, they were still living in my house... and without anything more than a note on the counter... they quietly tiptoed out the door to give us privacy for the evening. So, I think I've been able to show her ways that this two households, one property can be possible - without anyone being unduly restricted, uncomfortable, or interfered with.
There's no pattern or formula or recipe for how this can succeed. But through experience, I've learned that communication is the MOST important thing. Genuine, authentic, sometimes difficult and uncomfortable communication. And the two people here who can do that the best - and respond like adults - that we know of, are us - Hol and I. We can settle conflicts; and while most people would shy away from the intensity of feelings we can spar with AT TIMES doing that... the majority of time, increasingly so, we're able to just talk it through, respectfully - but more bluntly and honestly than many people communicate between each. For very quiet introverts, Hol & I ARE scary when we get loud & intense. (Reminds me of the gelato commercial with an Italian couple having a very "vigorous" discussion.)
But both Hol and I know, that our relationship is flexible and strong enough to endure that - and so it's faster and more direct to hash things out, find out what each wants, and find a new way to continue forward. She has her strengths; I have mine. Occasionally we have to force each other to see those strengths; we're both more accustomed to admitting our weakness. I noticed a long time ago, that some people seem to feel that any disagreement or conflict is an indication that the relationship is ending. It become a simplified, kids-book understanding of "happy", versus "upset & angry" and an either/or equation. As if relationships can't withstand any conflict or disagreeableness. Where does THAT idea come from?? Divorces? I dunno. But I've seen it be a very real thing in a lot of people.
I stopped trying to crystallize time and life into some stable, predictable in the large scale, and repetively boring routine a very long time ago. I think that's another Currier & Ives postcard of an ideal life that doesn't exist in reality. That was an important point for me; almost as important as realizing that nothing external is going to be able to provide me that feeling of "security". Everything external that people associate with "security" can change or go away. Peace thru acceptance of "what is" - and knowing that change is constant - is something that's more a recent "plateau" for me. And being able to see, feel and enjoy peace (without defining it to death) around here is part of this place's therapeutic energy. The three - and soon to be four - of us here, are stewards of that peace and restorative energy. B remarked on it, during his first visit. That means maintaining good relationships and being willing and able to work together as needed. Open communication, the ability to be vulnerable - but respected equally. Everyone's needs are important; the ability of pursue one's interests without arbitrary rules/regulations imposed by someone else here... without impacting someone else's ability to do the same and a way (there are more than one or two) to resolve conflicts are kinda the way I see this working.
LOLOLOL.... and I would really worry about my cognitive & mental health, if I expected that to work smoothly all the time, that everyone would be aware of it, ALL the time... or capable of cooperating with it, ALL the time. I know my self too well, sometimes. I will slip that into the "ideal" state from time to time; thinking ideal can be real for more than a moment of sense of peace. I know Hol will shred that and throw a little reality and human nature my way... or wake me up some other way. And I return the favor - maybe on a different aspect - if asked and/or it's clear it's needed. That's not a boundary violation, IMO. That's actually caring about each other. And honest & brave enough to talk about it as we can - with the full knowledge that it DOES NOT risk the relationship itself. For this to work, requires effort from everyone. Doesn't have to be the same kind of effort, ya know?
Which brings us back around to boundaries. Are they firm, steel fences with no gates, and never changing? Are they BW and forever? With any and all relationships? Or are they constantly shifting with each person, the life circumstances, their age/maturity... I guess I'm understanding that a boundary needs to adapt, be flexible and change with other changes or it will prevent connection. And I think Hol is learning that too. WHAT she's learning might be different (I would certainly HOPE so) because she's lived a different life.
Hol & I talk about things like this; have always for decades from time to time. It's not all that easy to find other people to discuss life & universe with, intelligently. So we blend all that rambling kind of "supposing" with the personal too. Through this level of connection & relationship we reaffirm how we're each unique, with our own strengths/weaknesses, life lesson "plans", and also where we kinda overlap and have things in common. She was reading Doesteivsky, Nitschke, etc (sp?) in HS; and has expanded on that across subject matter since then.
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Amber:
About what you said..... about communication being the MOST important thing.
I agree and to the degree one frets over and puts off certain communications indicates have much caretaking of other's feelings one deals, IME.
It's easy to speak and say what's what if one isn't worrying down the path about a difficult response they might recieve or how they'll manage that reaction.
I'm glad Hol seems to be growing and reflecting about life on the farm and communicating with you. Trusting you and herself more, it seems. Boundaries around feelings..... learning how to stop feeling responsible for other's emotions..... makes things so much easier, my word. So much easier. It's like looking through 2 different telescopes sometimes.
Lighter
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Agreed Lighter. And your point about staying rooted in the present is ALSO very applicable here.
Both Hol & I kinda present a "preamble" when bringing up a touchy topic, so there's usually fair warning the convo might get intense. I basically don't do it much anymore these days, unless I am truly worried that it's emotionally difficult and that it might be misunderstood; taken wrong. She is starting to give up the speech mannerism, because she realizes it's like apologizing for her feelings and asking permission to HAVE those feelings at the same time. It's always a much better conversation without without that. Everyone's owning their own feelings and opinions - and even conveying empathy or compassion or simply respect for a differing feeling or opinion - because eliminating the elaborate preamble makes more space.
But this kind of thing is always two steps forward; one back. There are good days and not so good days. But it's clear we're both trying and the communication is the beginning of respect and that removes alot of the perceived need for "caretaking" or worse things. Example seems to be teaching her some things (maybe) - along with the amount of reading she does.
The last B tirade, didn't make me retreat to lick my wounds. I didn't stop talking to her. Life went on while I thought about things and she did too. And then we started working on needs & solutions; validations and respect for different perceptions/feelings... and it seems to have pushed her to a clearer space. And there is no awkwardness between us. For now. ;)
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That was a super satisfying update, Amber. In so many ways: )
Countdown continues.
Lighter
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5 Days, a wake up, and an 8 hr drive (more or less).
Man is working himself like a rented mule. All while thinking a mile a minute. When I tell him to rest, the comeback is he'll rest when he's HERE. Sigh. Hol is already up and mowing (she has friends coming to camp at the hut in a couple weeks and works 8 days before that). I need to get busy too. Nothing I'm doing is all that strenuous. Which is OK, since it's yucky hot again this weekend.
Freddy has made my back deck (off the bedroom) his mouse boneyard. He only eats the heads off the little mousies. Weirdo. Stinker is definitely a "big boy" now - but he's still little kitty too. Wants his mommy-lap snuggle time. When he's not out in the grass or woods stalking & being the "big predator cat".
I am surprisingly calm. Contentedly happy - not over-excited or even making "have to" lists. Still grounded. Imagination isn't reined in... but it's not concerned with fantasy; more of an investigating what reality is going to be next Friday evening. I am noticing that my sense of time seems to have warped into distortion. Like it doesn't really exist, except as a construct for dealing with the outside world. Maybe I've been out here in unstructured simple life too long. LOLOLOLOL. Or this brand of happiness feeling is interfering with my linear, left brain routines & discipline. There is a LITTLE conditional thinking going on; plannning to do things WHEN B is here, instead of pushing myself like he does to do it BEFORE he's here.
Like cooking, I usually pre-cook some food when I have company so I can relax a bit. But it dawned on me: Buck likes to cook, and we can cook together. We need to go grill shopping too. I only brought a charcoal grill with me, when I moved. (Gas grill was built in at beach house.) At some point, a smoker appeared, too - that found it's way to the hut for a big campout weekend last year. So that begs the question: what size grill? If its just he & I most of the time, it can be smaller. Deb still comes out. Some of our friends aren't too far away, to not drop in occasionally... and Hol's friends have adopted me anyway. He seemed to like the idea of entertaining - I'll need to ask him more about that. But I know he's looking forward to just the two of us time, most of the time. Stuff IS portable, so hut grills can travel back up here, if needed. So, all I need to do is gather raw ingredients for this visit...
and then, like a regular couple we can go shopping together, ya know? Or make the list together while one runs.
And this just makes me grin......... non-stop.
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Maybe B will have a beloved, perfectly sized grill on arrival? Maybe cook one meal ahead in anticipation....to eat well while planning, shopping meals you'll cook together.
Maybe stay smiling and happy waiting to deal with food with B and let that be exactly right.
Looking forward to outdoor kitchen, main bed and bath updates.
Good kitty.
::Patting head::
Handling rodents around the house is a good thing.
Lighter
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Master bedroom & bath reno was all complete last year. There is yet a bit of electrical & trim on the stone wall that replaced the useless electric fireplace.
I've got a couple things in mind for quick meals. It's still hot, he's an energizer bunny and while he NEEDS food, he doesn't need a "meat & three" meal everyday. Pulled pork BBQ will go in crockpot and I have leftover honey ham from the holidays - ham salad makes a quick lunch. Coleslaw & gourmet potato salad. Banana pudding & ice cream w/toppings... but the chocolate ghost pepper sauce was out of stock, when I checked this week. She's going to see about availability (it's locally made). It's great on honey ice cream... and I also got about a pint of raspberries from my 2 year canes this year. I was a little slow on picking; and if you don't freeze them right away - they just don't keep but a day, maybe two in the fridge.
I'll check the locally raised butcher shop later next week for "grill fodder" & their fabulous bacon & sausage & cheese... farmer's market is Sat. and he and I can check out the other new farm store in the other direction on my "grand tour of back roads and wide places in the road" - including a trip through where the first homestead is. Curiosity is my bane. I don't freeze any of the meat from the butcher or farm stores except ground lamb & beef. The quality is THAT good, it needs to be fresh.
IF I can drag him away from working long enough to let me show him the backroads.
Almost forgot: the butcher had pastrami and they have good swiss cheese. I see reubens in our future.
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I dunno...I think if he's working that hard and will be arriving exhausted,
might be cool to go ahead and get a decent grill and have it there all set up and
done... (I personally loathe shopping though, dunno how B feels about it). My guess is he'll be overwhelmed at how wonderfully provisioned his life is, how welcome you've made him feel, and how delicious it feels to not run around a lot yet. And he probably shouldn't lift a finger for a couple weeks.
Does truck time hurt B? Meaning, driving and his ole bones?
Speaking of which, sounds like you want to put some meat on those! He's going to enjoy THAT. And beautiful green salads from your garden, too.
SO happy for you two. I like the sound of your calm and inner peace before you slip through the stones. Feeling that way is such a good indicator of how you've resolved anxieties, welcomed the good-things possibilities, and know that he fits a big B-shaped space in your psyche. I think it's going to go so well, I really do.
Nice description of how you and Hol are finding a less-enmeshed peace, as well. Peace is an ongoing project in some dynamics, and it sounds as though you really perceive more maturation and change with her. I'm so relieved to hear it.
How she ever turned B into a boogie monster I'll never quite understand, but good on you for defending your right to love whomever you love, regardless of her opinions/jealousies/fears. She's not quite there but she still has growing up to do. I bet her work is making a difference too. She really needs to experience herself apart from "Mom's compound" and whatever degree of buy-in she cultivates in herself, by herself, for herself, will make her future on the mountain should she decide to stay, a lot happier. Steve's a different question but it sounds as though things are more peaceful on that front, too. Glad Hol is left to resolve her own relationship issues, now though, rather than run everything through you. Hope that continues, too.
If left alone to find their own way to understanding each other, she and B might even wind up as friends. No predicting or pushing it, but it might happen.
Such good things, so many possibilities, and happy cats!
hugs
Hops
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Thanks Hops.
I think - just like he had a lot of input into the design of the metal shop - that being involved in the selection of said grill is more to his nature than arriving and being treated like "company" to be pampered. That actually makes him feel uncomfortable. He doesn't come here expecting to be "the guest". It's going to be HIS home, too. And I'm thrilled to death how much participation and effort and good ideas he brings to that. Decisionmaking is still gonna be a joint effort, although he's willing to give me final say.
Hol still has her reservations; and I'm OK with that. But there is a decided shift in her attitude to B. She's willing to try "trust until proven untrustworthy" - within reason; in this one instance. And try to get to get know him more than just superficially. I can live with that. Overall, I think part of the transition she's in, is shifting out of being laser-focused on what she's lost or given up (and the feelings associated with that) and flipped closer to accepting how much she has now - that was impossible in what's in the past. B's paternal (not patriarchal) nature is also a factor about him, that she hasn't gotten to know. That could be good or bad; given how fraught her relationship with her Dad has been at various times. She knows that she can determine just what kind of relationship she'll allow to exist between them; and that I'll back her up. There's history on that point. I'm just comfortable now, that she's willing to give it a chance and keep a (sharp eyed no doubt) open mind.
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Soooo happy to read food details! My pantry and fridge are SO boring!😝
Lighter
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LOLOLOLOL....
my preferred Tarot readers are calling this the romance of a lifetime.... and you're jumping for joy over my fridge contents. LOLOLOLOLOL Okay. WHY THE HELL NOT? LOLOLOLOLOL. It just strikes me witih a case of the giggles, Lighter.
There is no lack of romance. Checked my phone; beyond the continuous text messages all day every day, he's called me every day in the last week and 4 times yesterday. But the main topics are like the fridge: practical choices, staying grounded in the logistics of the move - and where I'm at with making space for him. Or things that wander off into the ether of knowledge/experience we have in common from the past. The infamous reputation of British Lucas electrical systems in MG's and Range Rovers.... fer instance.
Yeah, we're disciplined enough to stay focused on what needs to happen for the Friday to happen smoothly. Nutritious stuff... coz "romance" at a distance (despite feelings) is a mirage; empty calories masquerading as "food". And coz if we dive into feelings, we ain't coming up for air for a good long while.
He's also adjusting to hearing aids. Decided to only wear one - because two is just too overwhelming - and it's changing our conversations a little bit. He was used to reading lips, and using his other senses to pick up meaning. With one, he can pick up background noise on my end where he never used to.
Today's agenda is to finish up a few things in the bedroom; shift a couple more pieces around and see if that feels better to me. Clean the bathroom. Laundry. And summon the strong people (Hol & S) to swap two large heavy chairs between the first floor & main floor. (I do miss having an elevator; already know where I'll add one if either B or I get that decrepit.) The dresser can wait a bit.
I don't think he has any idea yet, how long he's staying. At least 2 weeks. And he wants to wait until he's here to discuss the last move. It's going to be soon, is my sense - but I'm also prepared to just wing it on everything. Take things as they come; adapt & adjust. Pay attention to how I'm feeling - even though I can't for the life of me think of anything I need to "watch out for" with him - and try to figure out ways to express that so he's not still wondering if I want to do this. (Yeah, intensity of emotions is still kinda overwhelming me; leaving me tongue-tied. But he does put me at ease and I CAN talk about things like that with him. And I have good non-verbal communication skills. :D )
It's kinda hard to focus on housework when your feet keep leaving the ground. And I'm trying to take care of bills, etc stuff before he gets here too. I can forget what I "need" to do, when I'm around him. Still getting used to his energy - and all the different levels of it and how it plays with mine. I think, at most, when I made the first move my idea was best case scenario, we'd be good work companions with benefits at this later stage of life. "Doing" for each other. But it's pretty clear that the relationship is more committed than that; and energy-wise, is a LOT more than that.
The self-consciousness I went thru on earlier visits is gone. The nervousness is gone. The nagging worry that I was missing something and Hol was right - was never about B; not really. (This is a first, where mom is viewing things in a positive light and she's being the paranoid, suspicious negative nelly. LOL.) Like goldilocks, this all feels "just right". I even bought a new bathing suit. LOLOLOL. We are talking about a wood-fired stock tank hot rub. :D Hol shared a link to a company making storage container pools, too. (I REALLY don't want to mess with a pool again; the ponds are bad enough - but it's been HOT and water just sounds so soothing, for aches & pains or to cool off.)
OK... no one wants to see what silly things are flitting through my head at 90 mph and it's time for me to cross a couple more things off the list today. It is going to be miserably hot today so maybe I can get this done. Then I can take it pretty easy till Friday. I just can't help babbling over the top right now...
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Well, that's interesting you noted my interest in food over romance. , bc I did not. You're right of course and that was the only thing noted on my 12 week paperwork with nutritional response practitioner....just that 1 thing showing up still. I think that might change if I met someone who didn't look like they'd be all disappointment and chaos I'd have to battle my way clear of. Maybe I'm simply done with that phase of life.
About the hit tub, I vote yes, esp if you can set up an Epson salt situation....the deeper the better. A Japanese cowboy soaking tub. YES!
Lighter, the happy
Crone
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HUH. I'm not often right about those kinds of observations Lighter. Usually off at least by a percent or 20. And just coz NRP mentioned it too - is probably just coincidence. I certainly wasn't recommending that you start looking for love in any place beyond the work you're already doing.
I put up fairly steadfast resistance to Hol's attempts to steer me that direction. She couldn't accept that while I wasn't deciding "never again" -- it also wasn't high on my priority list; I was doing just fine on my own for awhile and just untangling my self; all my past relationships; looking for how my lack of boundaries (at that time) contributed to my resentment and dissatisfaction later on. That kept me fully occupied for years. She was, in reality, trying to sell me on casual hookups instead of what happened. And, I'm just not built that way - even though I experimented enough to learn that in the 70s and early 80s.
Life is complicated enough without adding relationship complications too. Trepidation was my watchword - and I was so guarded that she wanted to write my profile for me online. I was cautious even with B. I didn't want to send mixed signals and maybe get his hopes up while I was dealing with my own issues - still over Mike. It wasn't until B came back a year later that I realized that it really was time to let go the idea of relationship I had with Mike and things began to be more serioius. Coz no two are the same. And I started making the list of things that I liked, didn't know about, and was initially concerned about with B. Two years later, all those things have been dealt with.
And it's like having a part-time job. Without the face to face relationship - yet. Lest I give the wrong impression, B has been doing the same work to maintain & grow the relationship on his end. It's definitely going to change when he's here all the time. Whether that'll be good or not so good... it's not possible to tell right now.
As busy as you are Lighter, I don't know where you'd find the time. What you're doing is real important to you. But maybe in the not too distant future you might make time for the right person. Doesn't affect your value as an Amazon a bit, whatever you choose or decide or happens about that anyway. Everyone has their own path.
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3 days and a drive.
Hol is trying to keep up with outside chores around here, but she & S came up in the afternoon, to swap two big heavy chairs between floors and bring down a dresser for B. She works for just over a week the Monday B gets here. Then, the weekend after that, S takes off for his longer duration job. I'm going to have dogsitting/bird feeding chores to cover a couple days of overlap in their schedule. Friend Deb WANTS to come out & meet B, but after her move she is sorting and tagging items for a large yard sale next weekend.
Except for the furniture stuff, yesterday was a bit of a slower day for me. But what I've got going on in the house right now... is making more functional sense. It feels fresher, with new furniture arrangements (most of which I accomplished by myself). And then like fog creeping up the cliff, the feelings settled in. Eyes started leaking in happy contented way. There is no "just so" list of things to do, causing nervousness or anxiety. The previous hut concerns seem to have been blow away by fresh breezes. S brought the dogs up with him, and his big old dusty Chocolate lab came up for pets and to sit on my foot - his way of saying I missed you second mommy. (Knuckles was bouncing all around and didn't give him a chance; I think both dogs remembered living here.) S even had a chance to check out Stinker; he hasn't seen him since he was a wee kitten. Stinks is pretty laid back and social with people and got some belly rubs. He looks like the mama kitty Gracie. Maybe it's acceptance; maybe there's been a shift in perception - whatever. It's more peaceful and easy. For now.
The only thing I can think of that's going to change in my day to day with B here, is that the coffee might already be made when I wake up. He'll decide what to cook some days and do it. And my phone won't ping at me all day. (I forgot where I put it the last time he was here.) He found an old wood stove, which he thinks will be the right size for the metal shop. So he's having it sandblasted while he's here and then powdercoated when he gets back. He told me his grandfather had one like it. He was so pleased to find it.
He's so cute & adorable (even if he says no one's ever used that word about him before). Bringing me some work jeans to mend; he's concerned about his attire so that I don't think poorly of him. He's been shopping. Asked me not to be disappointed in him, or mad at him, if the new docs have bad news. That comment is a great big tell about his past relationships. How is the reality of what the docs can/can't do HIS fault? Who was low & Nish enough to blame him for the original combat injury and subsequent surgeries and bureaucratic nightmare? WOW; just WOW. Guess they were only in the relationship for him to take care of them - and when he couldn't they got all flaky and mean. And left him. I'm hoping to explore that topic more in depth this trip up. I know the basic facts and I think he kinda distances himself from those old feelings... so that's going to have to be tentative and gentle. He might not want to get into it and I'll respect that.
So today is trash day... maybe some more laundry... continuing cleaning... and pulling together the ingreds for my usual pulled pork bbq. It's been a couple years since I've made it (and might still have some frozen; but I've been trying to clean out the freezer of old stuff too.) Oh, and I have to go start the rubicon and free up that spot in the barn. It needs gas, since I was a silly and put it away with an almost empty tank. I just don't know where I have space to park it. Too much equipment starting to stack up at the barn (just like a farm yard, huh?) and Helga is occupying the spot Rudicon usually sits in. I got stuff staged to go to the studio and the studio garage too. Make a decision about whether I'm going to start any fall plants...
and it's time to start attending the girly chores, too. :D
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One day between today and arrival.
I am still pretty grounded, practical-minded. Resting up; taking care of me. Quiet head space. B is busy too - not a LOT of chitchatting yesterday. Calm. This state kinda puzzled Hol until I explained that I believe I'd been sublimating all that giddy excited energy into physical work. I've gotten a lot done - by myself and with help - this week already. Things that won't be in our way of tasks that I know we're planning on addressing and allowing us plenty of time to just kick back and BE together.
More than that - I don't want to lay out a detailed plan in my head of what this visit is going to be like. I want to "wing it". Let it be what it will be. And be able to "see what I see". Otherwise, there's expectation and all the consequences of doing something else instead. I'm not just standing down and letting him lead either. There are definite things I want to do with him, but it can be spontaneously decided.
So, there's a plan for today & tomorrow to take care of the have-tos. And Friday is my day to let myself do all the feeling-stuff and girly prep. Today and tomorrow - I'm still just taking care of me, and all the stuff around me that supports "me". Pacing myself. Like the alarm on the water softener means I need to go add 80 lbs of salt. LOLOL. Gathering my list of ingredients to cook from, too. Some cooking; none of it elaborate or time-consuming. I think there might be a meatloaf & garlic/sour cream mashed potatos on that list too. Ruebens, if the butcher still has that pastrami I was drooling over.
If it EVER cools off, my garden needs some first-aid. But the heat this week has been too much for Hol, much less me. And there was plenty to take up time, in the house.
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Bravo to this, Amber:
I don't want to lay out a detailed plan in my head of what this visit is going to be like. I want to "wing it". Let it be what it will be. And be able to "see what I see".
You really have been your own champion. On your own side. Holding your own counsel. Trusting your own instincts. Releasing what you couldn't control. Tapping into something very very strong that could wait so long.
Wow. So very glad for you and B.
hugs
Hops
PS I have something nice to stay about Steve. He has excellent taste in dogs.
(My first husband was a mammoth yellow Lab. LOL)
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Yeah, I have some nice things to say about Steve too. And I SAY them, out loud, in front of God and everyone. :D
As to being on my own side, lately I've gone from theoretical to active practice. Just because I have a high degree of trust in B, and "feel" comfortable - now is not the time to let down my guard. One of my weaknesses in past relationships was not standing up for myself enough once it looked like there was some staying power in the relationship. The old "conflict avoidance" means everything will be hunky-dory misconception. As B & I actually begin a closer, day to day routine... I'm making it perfectly clear that I will take care of myself with the right amount of ferocity... AND at same time, I'm committed to finding mutually agreeable compromises and solutions. And if that doesn't work for him.... he's free to choose otherwise.
Yeah, that crazy bold idea came into my head right at the beginning of recognizing those certain "feelings" again. It's kinda my promise to myself - that no matter what happens, or what I feel as a result of things happening - I'm going to be able to take care of myself. Not very soft or smooshie or idealized romantic lovey-dovey... but I kinda learned the hard way, and the lesson finally stuck. I'm ALLOWED to do this - and if it jeopardizes a relationship - well, then, it wasn't the right relationship. So far, B seems to respect that and finds it attractive.
But it's that next phase, where everyone is comfy and relaxed that this kind thing seems to make itself known. Relationship is a "done deal", cool. And then if there is a mask - it slips or falls off. If there has been deception (even self-deception) the cracks begin to show. So, I WILL relax - but I'll still be paying attention.
Crones get wise to this kind of thing, ya know. LOLOLOLOLOLOL.
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Hi sKePTiKal,
I am trying to jump in here in some of the other threads as you suggested. Not sure I can pick up where you lighter and Hopalong are so I just thought I would say a few things about my own Farm.
I think you are correct, you are more in the woods than I am. Funny you mentioned the movers expressing concern that you would be okay - ours said the same thing to us! They truly seemed concerned.
Currently the 4 other year-round occupants are single men. After our experience with the one neighbor I don't think I will be baking any goodies for them any time soon. There is a pending sale of another home right now so who knows, perhaps the rural neighborhood will improve.
After our first year here we really have not been doing much gardening. The soil is very poor and sandy. Being up north with a shorter growing season, I think we will need to invest in a hoop house. We do continue to gather compost and our (now 14) hens are contributing to the soil in their substantial runs and in the coop with the deep litter. We had started an orchard but last winter the mice chewed off all the bark and girdled the trees. The bugs seem to eat all the berries before they get ripe.
We tried honey bees using the Warre top bar hives but they all froze out 2 years in a row. We did have fun capturing a couple of swarms. It seems there is not enough pollen around to feed them in the spring. The honey they made came mostly from the sugar we had to feed them.
The only thing that grows successfully here is what grows wild. Beautiful wildflowers. This year we have Monarchs fluttering all over the place as W has been spreading/planting the seeds from the Milkweed plants where the orchard used to be.
We had substantial gardens in the country where we lived before, but as I said the pesticides really caused us to lose our appetite for it. I did enjoy raising the few head of cattle while there. The 2 heifers b2 calves each while we were there. I had never done anything like that before but W had done it while growing up.
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Wiiiiiise crone.
Y'all are going straight from texting to sharing a home, as you weren't able to have a nice actual drawn-out in-person getting-to-know-you thing (a la Judith Sills). So maybe in a way it'd be nice to acknowledge that despite the recognition and intimacy you've built over computers, phone and texting...how about granting yourselves a long slow period to recognize what it's like to really be together?
I like your realism and wise cronehood instincts. Trust them and don't fear. You have nothing to prove to anybody, just one day at a time to live and enjoy and learn from.
hugs
Hops
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Hops, I'm not busy enough right now. LOL. Feelings are sneaking through!! The "stuff to do" doesn't matter - coz B isn't "company". He will help me and it will be fun. We fit together like that. B has been here 3 times. There was a lot more intimacy built in each sucessively longer visit than what just happens digitally. I just don't have words - yet. I'm proposing we don't "do" anything for the first weekend - just be together. Waiting on a response. He's busted his butt this week and needs to rest, so I have hope he'll see the sense in that suggestion.
Phyll - I lived in Kitty Hawk, NC for 6 years. I know sandy soil. My experience was nothing grows in it. I even did raised, lined beds. Everything flowered; but didn't set fruit. It's made me less confident in what I think I know, now that I'm back "home" in the rocky soils of the mountains. The salty environment likely had a good bit to do with that. The problem was compost, fertilizer, water all drained too quickly from the soil and evaporation was another factor. I'm relearning right now.
If you have wildflowers, try herbs - the perennials. That'll make beekeeping more successful. I'm also going to try a hoop house or walapini. Mainly to extend my growing season which is over end of Oct/early November for things like leeks & brussel sprouts. Every year is different here. I've seen 70 degrees on Christmas Eve. And snow on Halloween. So, one starts to read the weather & microclimate in your "spot" closer. I'm journaling (when I remember) and paying super-close attention to my soil. Everything works better with healthy soil. And still one is going to have failures and issues, even when devoting all your attention and adapting as fast as possible to conditions. It's just a fact of this lifestyle. That's one reason I encouraged the kids to start growing too. Redundancy - and their different location in the bottom of the hollar and methods (not much different; we're all organic) - could make/break a season.
Heat is my bane. Much over 80, especially with humidity, and you can write off my physical oomph. My body functions better at -25 than it does at 85. My theory is it's because I grew up with Lake Effect off Erie, MI & Superior. And maybe some DNA. But it's just a theory. This lifestyle requires paying attention to nature, intuition, hard manual labor, knowing what to do when... and working when you don't want to. Sigh. I'm relearning all those lessons. LOLOL.
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Skep I live in Wisconsin. I know about Lake Michigan's lake affect snow. I will think about the herbs, good idea. Have you tried drip irrigation? We have all the tanks and supplies, but as you said nothing seems to grow in the sand. Also considering aquaponics. Looking at small scale for now, tomatoes and lettuce. I don't even know if I will be here in the spring!
Do you have a new love interest? That sounds exciting. Glad you plan to take things slow.
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Yeah I know about the irrigation methods. We get enough rain most years - and my soil here in the mountains actually retains moisture (compost compost compost) because there's a decent percentage of clay in that location. And my lazy-gardener technique of letting the weeds grow - it's like mulch - slows the evaporation rate and keeps the roots a bit shaded & cooler.
Lesson one of gardening for me, was the soil's importance and how to improve it so that irrigation or frequent watering isn't needed. And to keep replenishing it. I plant right in the earth (yes, I still have beds that I "raise" by hand digging). I still need to test the soil, however. It takes 5 years to build a new garden from scratch - and despite being here 5 years; the garden is a lot younger.
I had to sit down for a bit. More rain just starting and I have been completely forgetting stuff I still want to do. For me - and some for B. He's packing; leaving in about 12-15 hours. And it's an 8 hr drive. I usually have to help navigate for him; he doesn't know how far or what the next road number is he's looking for. LOLOL. It helps me find him on the atlas, if I know where he is. But sometimes he doesn't. LOLOLOL.
His new docs just got all his complete med records, today. For Monday's first appt.
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I'm very happy to read your updates, Amber. You following B's journey sounds so right: )
Lighter
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Well, he's on the road. See how he does driving in daylight this time.
I sure didn't sleep very long. But I'm pretty relaxed and calm still. Heat wave seems to have broken, but yesterday was a mess. Couldn't maintain focus and everything seemed harder than it needed to be.
Still have a couple little things to do before I make cookies. We had a nice shower this morning, so the humidity is something else. Weatherman assures me that this will clear off and humidity drop and it's supposed to be a gorgeous weekend.
Just before I called it a day, I figured out what was so hard about the day yesterday. My personal space is going to have another person in it again for a few weeks. And since I'm a bit tired, I don't wanna share. Just want to do what I want to do, the way I want to do it... and everyone else can take a flying leap at a rolling donut. There's this little whiny feeling - that sense of loss of privacy - that's trying to justify negative feelings, and turn my (otherwise) natural excitement to "blah... I don't wanna". Hmmmmph.
For whatever reason, I've been noticing this about myself lately but it hasn't been verbally coherent. I don't do this all the time anymore. But I do it enough, that Hol's pointed it out a couple of times. I know how I got in the habit of it. So, I'm making a big deal this morning out of doing what the whiny inner twerp wants for a few more hours than has been my wont the past couple weeks. (You want THIS? OK. Here ya go. The time limit is till _____. Pay attention, enjoy yourself, take a break.) I AM tired, because I'm not sleeping long. And there are multiple reasons for that - but I don't have someone pulling my strings right now or needing anything of me - so ya know, I think I know the person who needs to do something about that. It's like I've been putting my actual inner needs last on the list of all this "busy doing" list. Again. Jeez, I know better than that.
I don't think B is gonna be upset because the cookies are still cooling and I'm cleaning up the kitchen when he is due to arrive. Ya know? Get off the road to fresh, navy-strength coffee and fresh out of the oven cookies? C'mon now... the only better "man bait" is bacon. LOLOLOLOLOLOL
"Kissin' don't last; cookin' do."
Hol will be around this weekend some before going to work. We haven't planned any joint activities but both kids are going into town today and she's gonna drop off a couple things here that my distracted & spaced out brain forgot TWICE, on two separate gathering runs. No clue on the timing of that; doesn't matter. It's how we live around here.
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Well.....sharing your space with B will be new and there will be adjustments, no doubt. Maybe you'll end up with separate bedrooms. Maybe you'll require alone the regularly or now and again. You'll figure it out.
I can smell those cookies baking....oatmeal?
Lighter
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Yep; oatmeal raisin (regular & golden) & craisins & nuts. Sorta a granola cookie. :D
Yes also to the alone time. This is actually already built into our long-distance interaction, whether from being busy or just needing some space. He's fine if I wander off for some hours, even a day or two of inner retreat and just do my own thing. It's not like living with Mike. While it's fine to have learned lessons from prior relationships, I still struggle with the prior experiential part of being with someone and expecting the old stuff of day to day to return in the same way. B IS different; we're different; I'm different. That "normal" of the past, had it's good moments for sure. But it was unique to the relationship and there was friction over some of the things.
There's going to be something that causes friction in this one too; it's just people being people - but it's probably going to be DIFFERENT things. It could be minor; it could be serious. Don't know till it happens. Especially since B isn't the psyche/emotional type I've tended to connect with in the past. When I'm expecting the old pattern/friction to resurface - he surprises the hell out of me. With something new; unique to how he sees the "us"... and what he wants, which has been explicitly stated as equal standing between us. Even though the things of importance to us as individuals may not be equal - our need or desire to fulfill those IS. And it's usually stuff we've each been self-sufficent in, in the past.
OK, I have an agenda of things that were on my list but haven't been done yet... so ONWARDS. I'm hoping to have some hours of downtime, too. So I might be back. Who knows?
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I think independent bedrooms with full (or at least negotiable) overnight visiting rights are a godsend as folks get older. Some cozy BR nook somewhere can be a saving grace for older folks' relationships, imo.
I think the BIGGEST thing B will need for his first week after all he's been doing is....sleep. Rest. Minimal agendas or plans. Freedom to just be. Stare at a duck. Putter in a shop. Whatever slowly floats his boat.
I think you need that too. You've been mentally matching him all the way and your own preparations have been tiring, too.
Cluck. Cluck.
Just rest. Cookies and cuddles and peace.
Huge hugs, so happy he's on his way!!! (Open them stones.......)
Hops
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With rest, stretch, fuel & potty breaks, this trip is just over 14 hours. He's not here yet, but he IS getting real close. I think we'll need to have a conversation about the big, final move. He's not doing this without an overnight about halfway, again. And if he'll let me, he's not doing it alone.
ETA: He's HERE. Bye now....
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Aw, Skep, I'm so happy for you :) Have a lovely, tremendous, enjoyable time. I'm so glad he's there :) xx
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14 hours.
With his back.
B's a legend.
I hope he's feeling OK, Amber.
::Waving toward you guys::.
Finally.
Lighter
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And then we stayed up and talked while he got off the road. A little bit of everything - because neither one of us could hold a train of thought for long. (I'd gotten up at 6 am, after only about 4 hrs of sleep.) He was asleep about 30 seconds after his head hit the pillow and has only been up/down once to let Freddy in. It was his snoring that put me to sleep; it's soft. Quiet. Gentle.
The only thing we know for sure is on today's agenda is more coffee and breakfast. We're just winging it. His appointment got moved to Tues. afternoon. I think that'll work out even better. Everything else can wait.
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New doc appts are exciting....but reason for concern, ime.
I have the feeling answers are on the way. I pray they're solutions. No more doc created problems, please.
B's landing sounds really good. Soft breathing noises make me sleepy too.
Lighter
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Bless you both.
Angel wings over house. Soft air, quiet peace.
Oh I'm so happy for you two.
Do nothing. Breathe. Let the deep peace in.
SOOO so so.
hugs hugs happies,
Hops
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Sounds wonderful!
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I was soooo discombolated, scattered, air-headed yesterday. I was really tired, and didn't sleep overly well the first night. There was discussion of some serious relationship stuff, that first night and it was all so cozy and easy, when he got here. He had all that driving time to sort out what he wanted to tell me, I think. He is 100% direct about things, when he's made up his mind. And while I was feeling absolute peace... some subconscious part of my brain wanted to continue moving through the processing of all of that. That's what kept me awake.
We had a nice big, protein-dominant breakfast then I decided I wanted to go grill shopping. Steaks were cut Thursday, and while they'll hold for a couple days, I didn't want to wait too long. He's almost done putting the grill together even though we didn't really wake up till noon. His appt was moved from Monday to Tuesday - original doc came down with covid so there was schedule shuffling needed. I didn't want to wait till then, to get a grill & fire up an easy but favorite summer meal. (I need to get the corn prepped too.)
Took Hol her mail, and she suggested a studio chat... S was kinda down for the count, after getting his vaccine; better today...so we went down & hung out a bit. She and B had a really good beginning getting to know you, take you seriously, conversation. I thought. I was running on fumes by then and didn't have a whole lot to say. They both are natural talkers & story-tellers. So I was grateful that were getting on pretty well and I really didn't need to participate much. Just observe.
Realized today, I'm kinda having an overload of intimacy. I'm used to Hol's version of it now, but B's can be more intense in some ways. So I'm just having some alone time, prepping foil packets for dinner, and catching up online. It's helping. I'll adjust, eventually - but for now, there is no pressure. No anxiety. Just a peaceful Sunday evening. It's nice!!
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It's good and right to ask for and take whatever alone time you need, ime.
My B was astonished and grateful when he asked for some alone time to read at the lake. I said it was fine and he almost fell over with surprise and relief. He'd never been allowed to have down time in relationships before. I guess he expected me to direct allll his time?
So not how I want to live my life. Ever. Just make sure you're comunicaring....new word. Sounds like you and B are doing just fine.
Make my steak mdm rare, please!
Lighter
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:D
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Well, yesterday had a happy ending.
Both of us were as anxious and worried and trying to dot i's, cross t's and to make it clear why B was seeking an appointment and treatment so far, from where he lives. Old hospital still can't follow directions; they sent incomplete records. I was already familiar with that maze of a hospital, from when Mike's mom was there a lot - and my job at University. In fact, Drs' office was in the old large classroom suite of one of my academic departments. We did a quick drive by on Saturday - so B wouldn't worry about being in the right place on time. Also was able to meet Autumn, as she was leaving work after the appt. That was pretty fun.
Doc was very nice, and when I interrupted to clarify something he'd quickly rattled off to B, he wasn't dismissive of me or my advocating for him. It WAS an important point - about whether he talking about options, or if he was recommending X treatment/management in this case or whether there was anything else that could be considered. The NP was most likable, and having been in the Navy too - helped put B at ease. Today we're waiting for a phone call about going back in for a couple image tests. There was a moment of awkward silence and us staring at each other, when we were asked just who I was. LOLOLOL. Oops we didn't plan for that question. B was just gonna call me his "advocate". Which is a nice functional title - but not needed in this hospital.
I guess we haven't had that talk yet. Everything else under the sun, mind you. But we're both dancing around trying to name, categorize, polish up & brand what our relationship "is" - despite the fact, we both know exactly what this is - just minus the social conventions. I coulda said I was his Shield Maiden... LOLOLOLOL. I do believe the NP woulda got it.
Now we just gotta get his hearing aids fixed or changed to something that doesn't use up a battery an hour and drive him mad with too much noise. This process will take some time to go thru. Meanwhile, we're starting to talk about some of the logistics of that process and how to make it easier.
--------------------------- ETA:
So, I suggested the silly about "shield maiden" - and B laughed; said whatever I wanted was fine with him, SMaiden worked for him. Then he thought a minute and then said, and when we get past all this move & medical stuff - I can find a norse pagan officiant (I can't pronounce it much less spell it) and we can make it as official as we want. Neither of us feels any need or reason for the gov't sanctioned paper or recognition. And to the best of my knowledge we both have already set up all the end of life stuff and none of the potential changes that might be necessary (maybe his health POA) would be hindered by any lack of gov/legal recognition of our relationship.
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Awww. What a happy scene (ironically) to read about -- you two at the doc's.
The NP sounds like a very good egg and that must be a real relief to B. Not to mention how much better it must feel to him to have an SMaiden in his corner!
Yay, hooray! One of the most obvious benefits of having a committed partner, someone who really has your back.
This sounds so honeymoony, Amber. Or very near it.
Take your tiiiiiiiiime and drag it out, this is such a sweet season.
Giggling-happy for you over here!
hugs
Hops
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Well, yesterday had a happy ending. Hee. I live with a teenager. It's habit.
Both of us were as anxious and worried and trying to dot i's, cross t's and to make it clear why B was seeking an appointment and treatment so far, from where he lives. Old hospital still can't follow directions; they sent incomplete records. Why would they behave like competent professionals at this stage? To be expected, I guess. I was already familiar with that maze of a hospital, from when Mike's mom was there a lot - and my job at University. In fact, Drs' office was in the old large classroom suite of one of my academic departments. We did a quick drive by on Saturday - so B wouldn't worry about being in the right place on time. So helpful to reduce stress, IMO. Good idea.Also was able to meet Autumn, as she was leaving work after the appt. That was pretty fun.
Doc was very nice, and when I interrupted to clarify something he'd quickly rattled off to B, he wasn't dismissive of me or my advocating for him. It WAS an important point - about whether he talking about options, or if he was recommending X treatment/management in this case or whether there was anything else that could be considered. SO important and easier to do aftre the fact. Well done, Amber. This kind of proactive participation will help move things along more quickly IF they can be moved more quickly, IME. I hope B appreciates your economy of motion participation. The NP was most likable, and having been in the Navy too - helped put B at ease. Sometimes allies present themselves out of the blue. YES.Today we're waiting for a phone call about going back in for a couple image tests. There was a moment of awkward silence and us staring at each other, when we were asked just who I was. LOLOLOL. Oops we didn't plan for that question. B was just gonna call me his "advocate". Which is a nice functional title - but not needed in this hospital. Can't you just say WIFE for reasons of simplifying this process? Or maybe have B sign a limited POA over medical issues/decisions? Having been through medical tragedy as a girlfriend, and suffering snide comments from docs and worse....... it's just easier to figure out how to avoid it up front, IME.
I guess we haven't had that talk yet. Everything else under the sun, mind you. But we're both dancing around trying to name, categorize, polish up & brand what our relationship "is" - despite the fact, we both know exactly what this is - just minus the social conventions. I coulda said I was his Shield Maiden... LOLOLOLOL. I do believe the NP woulda got it.
Now we just gotta get his hearing aids fixed or changed to something that doesn't use up a battery an hour and drive him mad with too much noise. I wonder if his brain will adjust to them as quickly as my eyes adjusted to glasses? Not quickly, btw, but now I have vision at every distance AND can still take the glasses off when my brain needs a break. It's sort of a middle ground of adjusting I can live with. Good luck with it, LighterThis process will take some time to go thru. Meanwhile, we're starting to talk about some of the logistics of that process and how to make it easier.
--------------------------- ETA:
So, I suggested the silly about "shield maiden" - and B laughed; said whatever I wanted was fine with him, SMaiden worked for him. Then he thought a minute and then said, and when we get past all this move & medical stuff - I can find a norse pagan officiant (I can't pronounce it much less spell it) and we can make it as official as we want. Neither of us feels any need or reason for the gov't sanctioned paper or recognition. And to the best of my knowledge we both have already set up all the end of life stuff and none of the potential changes that might be necessary (maybe his health POA) would be hindered by any lack of gov/legal recognition of our relationship.
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Internet really slow today. So short update.
We are waiting for call re: appts for ekg and mri. Stress (B's) is climbing, and there is a physical component to it - pain. I've made a couple suggestions for experiments to try. Staying busy in the meantime. I got him hooked on Game of Thrones too. :D Anything to stop the ruminating/obsessing on how long the gov has kept him in waiting mode for things that were supposed to be approved already; or approval for medically urgent simple procedures.
I'm starting to think there is something else to that, beneath the surface, too. But I'm just observing for the moment. Staying grounded in me and what I know about things - especially the medical people at this hospital. They are a pretty class act. Taking things around here at a comfortable pace, nothing absolutely HAS to happen - it's not life or death - by any particular time.
Things have gone OK interacting with S, too. So far. Hol will be back the weekend, work a couple days next week again, and then home getting ready for her group to come visit.
Ya know, I'm finding this older relationship stuff to be very different than even what middle-age romance was. Different things become important. Financial stability matters so much when raising kids -- and just isn't part of the equation later on. Even the things one finds "romantic" and interesting becomes more.... flexible? expansive? simpler? I'm not entirely sure yet. But I like it. :D
He's sensitive to not disrupting my routine - but a slave to his own physical demands, that can put us out of sync. He's also a guy... with those typical, lifelong guy habits... the things can drive a woman who's a stickler for "just so" in her life mad. I find a lot of those little things don't bother me as much now.
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This just all sounds so...normal.
Human.
Accomodating.
Observing.
Curious.
Accepting.
Loving.
I'm soooooo tickled for you, Amber.
And for B too.
GREAT idea to get him absorbed in GoT!
(I've never watched it. Maybe subconsciously saving it for a delta lockdown winter.)
So glad he's there with you.
And hope that after this two weeks, you'll:
--know when he's coming back for good
--feel great about him coming back for good
Mega hugs,
Hops
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I felt great about this time, Hops! ;) Different, mind you. And that unsettled me some, but not enough to get cold feet.
It's all peaches & ice cream here. Doing, but not at a breakneck pace. Mostly just being. Figuring out the minutiae - without talking about it, thinking about it, just being in the space and breathing. It's all good. But for sure, I'm starting to think more about how things are different over 60 - not the physical stuff, but lots of other things too. It's all a jumble of ideas & images right now... but I think the words will be there, if I attempt to order them at some point.
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Looks like Buck is staying an extra week. No appt for the tests yet. But with some dedicated phone work, I think we have things moving again. We're going in to the hospital again, today, to help facilitate the paperwork process. (I don't think they realize we're not exactly in town.) I know they like to do their own testing and what seems to people on the outside to be a relatively simple process - isn't always, from the other side.
All is good here. The dogsitting went well - Knuckles is such a knucklehead, that B had to walk with him a bit to get him to do his business instead of play. Hol is back; and most of her work was in the shop this time - so it was a more enjoyable work experience. She and B seem to be more comfortable with each other right now, and I suppose that's just proximity.
I'm feeling rather calm about this so far. The hot weather has definitely limited what I can do outside again, and I feel like a lazy bum (B just keeps going & going...) I think I'm still sorting thiings out.
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It's interesting to think about Hol bringing S INTO your home, onto your land, inside your physical space....... then cranking on you about B....about your having a relationship.
All that judgment and fear and child's foot stomping, maybe?
Not sure, but B hasn't touched all her tools and left them in the rain.
Hasn't ignored her and refused to engage in minimal communication or follow common sense rules.
Hasn't made you cry and feel abandoned....... not sure what I'm trying to say here, but it's very odd how she allowed herself relationship with S while discouraging and perhaps undermining your relationship with B, as though she had more answers and wisdom in the matter than you.
Not judging Hol. Just noticing: )
I hope the medical keeps thrumming in the right direction, Amber.
I'm smiling ear to ear thinking about B standing shoulder to shoulder with you at the farm.
Finally.
Lighter
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Lighter - I'm having a slow morning, in the cool. It's been a taxing couple of days in abominable heat. To follow along your observation... I'm beginning to think that psychological projection is the native tongue among the younger set. They slip into it willy-nilly sans awareness of what they're doing. I have definitely noticed same from time to time in Hol -- and in turn, she's noticed that (painfully) in S.
They've been separated due to work for a couple of weeks now. And her perspective is shifting in some big ways. B has made himself absent from some of our group time together; allowing Hol & I to get into those more personal topics. But she is behaving herself; owning her feelings and observations or discernment; and I am mostly just posing questions to her - and allowing that there may not be a certain answer, for now. Hol even called B a friend last night while babbling on, like she does. They do have a lot of interests in common, after all. ;) She's still working out trust issues for herself. What it means; what it feels like; and how that kinda helps with boundaries.
B and I have spent most of the past 2 days on the road. Dr's office required him to hand deliver paperwork referral orders to an infectious disease doc.... we drove to the address on the paperwork and the building was empty; locked; for lease. There is no direct phone line into 1st doc's office. One calls the switchboard, leaves a message and call back number... and waits. We had a number of places to go and pick up items for various projects going on. So the first thing I did was completely scrap the order in my head we were going to do things and flip the stops around -- beginning with a quick lunch. I was getting hangry and of course he was thinking that he was getting the short end of the stick all around AGAIN. With no recourse.
More phone calls and wrong information until we FINALLY got the phone and location of referral doc. In another town, in another part of my state. That's where we went yesterday. Easy to find; 5 minutes - in/out - clear, correct information taken and given... EASY. Then we had to backtrack the routes again to get a couple items and deliver some stuff to Hol for this weekend's campfire gathering.
So, we're hoping that he'll have the consult with referral doc this coming week. He HAS to get back and can only extend his rental one week. But the earliest MRI appt he could get was the end of October. A couple months from now. Contractor is trying to get the floor poured in the shop and the roofer was here this morning for me to pick out metal color.
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B said during all those previous years, no one ever went with him on the hundreds of medical appts or surgeries. Ever. I simply said, well I CARE, so I'm going with you. He is making "man piles" around the house - but he has clothes in his dresser and the closet. Tools in my garage and barns. He's sealing a leak in Hol's car's cooling system this morning... and will show her how to recharge a/c too. He'll cook. Brings me coffee in the morning. (There was a bit of prompting about that... but it's sweet he does that little thing for me. He feeds my kitties in the morning.
We fit together so well it's as if we've trained together for years and now already anticipate each other's thoughts and actions. There isn't any angst either; we're very relaxed. He is sleeping longer and deeper; I've been able to adjust his eating schedule/portions such that it's helping with his heartburn. The herbal antibiotic is helping too.
I'm tired, but I'm happy. I simply can't keep up with the man physically. He has to keep moving and working (within reason) to keep himself loose and relatively painfree. We're even making "dates" for our own private time... to just be us together and that is something new for me; it builds happy anticipation. And the rest of the time, it's like we've been together for years & years. Comfortable.
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Oh, Amber.
S*** eating grin, here.
I am just so happy to ponder this for you.
Really. You've earned it, endured for it, given it the very best of yourself. And there it is: synchronicity, understanding, kinship, comfort.
This is just so wonderful. Makes my chest feel light.
hugs
Hops
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Thanks Hops.
It's still not a sure thing that there is "life" after the medical nightmare. But he's pretty accepting of the reality, where he can have 2-3 good productive, relatively painfree days and then - he's out of commission for 24-48 hrs. If the proposed new pump really does last 10 years, that's acceptable to him. It may take 6 months to go through the process to set up a new surgery. But the longer he goes between surgeries the better, IMO.
There is a psychosomatic component to his pain, too. I've noticed the connection between his stress levels and another episode. And of course, there's a connection to trauma too. It seems the simple "therapy" for that is simple human kindness. At least, it lowers the pain levels to "bearable". The non-stop physical activity is more than a neurotic habit; it's another coping strategy for him. Hands & brain engaged in a task... stops rumination and obsessing on the things that can't be changed. His vocabulary for communicating about that is as good as ours is, because of long, regular therapy. So it's easy to talk about, despite how intimate that kind of discussion can be.
He's always been the provider and protector; it's strange to him, to have someone care about him. Take good care of him. But he's not letting pride or ego get in his way. And I'm not smothering him. I know he's not an invalid (what a wretched word!!). There is a sensitive feeling heart under that rough and gruff exterior. He's still very fit; strong. He's self-deprecating about himself but he doesn't have a thing to justify any feeling "less than" on. He's well-traveled, well-read, and has been acquiring practical knowledge and skills for 50 years. Without putting on airs or attitude.
One of the earlier visits, I'd asked why he made that first trip, really. It wasn't just to work on my vehicles. He said he just had a feeling about me and meeting in person was the only way he could find out if it was an accurate feeling. That's not exactly a romantic reason. But I think I get it. We're drawn to each other. Yin-yang, complimentary style. It's the totality of who we are and not just what we "provide" each other... or some transactional based relationship.
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I think I need to go rocking chair shopping. After 3 weeks, we're as cozy as Ma & Pa Kettle. All the usual old people stuff - his back pain, my obligation to help Hol fill her empty hours (S will be back Monday) - the kitties, and cooking duties - everything has worked out & through like we've been together for years.
We're still talking about everything under the sun. We still give each other plenty of space. I feed him, he feeds me. We giggle & laugh & fall contentedly tired together.
:insert wide-eyed shocked face:
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Has it really been 3 weeks, Amber?
Amazing how fast time goes, isn't it?
Of all the things you've curated and collected, I'm surprised you don't have those Ma and Pa rocking chairs painted and in place, ready to go; )
So glad thing are comfortable and happy.
Good for you.
Lighter
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Thanks Lighter! Yeah, I hesitated. ;) There were a few things I was waiting to hear - and see - how they went before I did more than keep things rolling along on the metal shop (facilitating a place for him to work & putter & put the stuff he is moving). He and Hol are getting along way better than expected and I don't think she's just putting on her "hostess face". She is opening up to him; he is contributing to her knowledge base on work-related things, stuff we're tossing around about the farm, etc. And yes, she is pretty open with him about her relationship with me and S, while not really getting into over-sharing as much, with me. She's happily pushing on with her projects too.
All my anxiety about possibly managing tense situations was just that. Things are going just fine. I don't need to "work" at being an interpreter or liason or negotiator. We know where the bulk of the objection and worry originated - and she is very clear that she will deal with it in her own time. She & I were given the space to discuss that in detail - her strength and clarity is pretty impressive but then, she's paid her dues and learned some important stuff the hard way.
Right now, I'm getting to indulge myself in the "domestic" side of life and stuff is still getting done. Timelines & plans getting nailed down. New projects starting to pop up on the horizon but they're still in the "future" thinking brainstorming phase.
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Oh my gosh, Amber.
Through you, the universe has just PROVED to me that the possibility of good things happening is real. Real real real.
I am just over the moon for you, and for Pa.
There is no happier post than what you just wrote.
So happy to read it, and vicariously share it.
WOO HOO. Words totally fail.
hugs
Hops
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Amber:
What herbal books do you use as references?
Lighter
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Both volumes by Stephen Buhner. It tends to read on the "scienc-y" side, but I don't mind looking up words and cross-referencing things. In spots his humor shines through too! But all the info is well researched, footnoted, with bibliography. The information is way more intensive than your average "how to make a salve from dandelion & calendula" book - so for me, it's way more useful.
The main current root extract B is using only grows in Africa, so it's not something I can grow here. But I have an excellent source for the rare/oddball herbs:
woodlandessence.com
They're in California, but shipping has been flawless and fast - even in the pandemic shutdown.
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sniff...
Didn't sleep well; both Buck & I had some short-lived intestinal crap that (fingers & butt cheeks crossed) is starting to calm down today. And well - I didn't sleep coz he was restless & got up to sleep in the chair and was obsessing on the fact he was leaving this morning. He will be back in 6-7 weeks however. For about the same amount of time.
I'm processing. Being older people, the focus wasn't so much romantic intimacy, if you catch my drift. This time. Not that the desire isn't there - but well, life. All the practical, day to day relational intimacy is strong and solid. We demonstrate that caring in other ways, right now. He's not used to being touched that way; it's been 20 years. And he's very tentative about initiating things with me. I need to step up and communicate more clearly about that and deal with some of my own lingering reticence. And so, we're going very slowly - and learning every step of the way. There are places on his back I have to be very gentle & light about touching because pain. This kind of communication requirement is brand-new for me; and I'm pretty sure it is for him too. LOTS to navigate on both sides. So far, it hasn't been awkward - for me, at least. I think it would be clear if it was awkward for him.
Hol has continued to relax around B and even hugged him yesterday when saying goodbye. Surprised him. Sure makes me feel more relaxed! She's happy & content-er today, since S came home early last night. She'll be headed back to the city in a couple weeks for a few days; then work a week on production and then be on set 2 weeks at the end of next month. S has work offers starting to pop up again too; but being one step away from lockdown orders in some places again... it remains a tentative state of affairs for them.
Repairs, projects & chores are all at a great place going into the fall list of to-dos and B is already mapping out what he'll do the next trip - in between med appts. He still hasn't gotten a date from the infectious disease referral doc... so that part is up in the air.
It's dawned on me the last few days, that there are very many multiple layers of relaxation and trust and intimacy than I was aware of previously. Shades of the same feeling, if you will. And despite how easy it is for B & I to be together, I didn't really start to relax until this past week. Sort of that "waiting for the other shoe to drop" syndrome. Life curveballs. He and I are both conditioned to react to those and it's encouraging that we take turns talking each other out of letting even the little things, take too much attention or energy from our time together. No pressure, just reasoning and waiting for things to return to balance. No red flags popped up. Nothing horrible or unexpected was experienced with him figuring out where his "man piles" of necessary tools & such can go. He cooked for me; I cooked for him; we shared our favorite snacks; he understands how doing dishes is part of my mental routine... but cleans up after himself too.
I've been able to explain to him, my predilections and preferences about how I want to keep things and why it matters to me. Without complaining. I think he's a bit shocked at that -- but we all have to watch our expectations based on previous relationships get blown to smithereens when we're dealing with a new partner who is very DIFFERENT than the past choices we made - but probably shouldn't have, in our own interests at that time. Being able to talk about that stuff and even more personal/private/touchy-difficult topics is an absolute pure gold aspect of this new relationship.
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Hey, Amber:
What is B shocked about? Regarding the way you need things to be?
About doing the dishes..... I've just made peace with the fact there are things I MUST get done before tackling other things. So I may focus on those other things. I neeeed certain things to be done a certain way and know what those things are helps me move through my world with more ease, less confusion and less faffing about wondering WHY I can't get on with other things.
Sorry B's gone again, but glad he's fitting in with your life and with Hol.
Lighter
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It was briefly hard to see him go, CB. The light goes out and there's a hole where he used to be. Even if off working around the farm somewhere. But it's starting to lift again. Phew! I think it's echoes of old grief; feeling bereft. He and I have a pretty strong ESP connection - probably since we've spent more time separated, while together; than actually together.
Yes, he's making the extreme push to get here permanently as close to the next trip, as possible. Compared to other waits, 6-7 weeks from now is pretty short. So we're already shifting to the anticipatory phase for the next visit. He's not even home yet. LOL.
Lighter, I think he was shocked I just accepted he was going to make man piles without having "rules" and a meltdown over it. LOLOLOL. My recent "housemate" situation with the kids and guests have definitely adjusted my "need" to manage every little thing... as long as the big things are observed - and that's not a problem. He's trained the same way I am. He was shocked I grabbed his dirty laundry when I was doing my own (he was out working on something). Hol mentioned how much I love having my first cup of coffee in the morning brought to me... and because he's up all hours, he usually makes the first pot... and delivers the elixir of consciousness to me! ;)
Thing is, I can just ask him to do or not do something... and it doesn't cause instant tension or a reaction. And he remembers. He's as solicitous of my quirks as I am of his physical pain... and constantly trying to find the little comfort tricks or items that help. I don't have abandonment issues when he goes off to work and gets in the zone and almost forgets I'm here. LOL. I find other things to do or go help, if I can. Many times I can't - and I do kinda feel I'm being spoiled a bit much. But I'm confident stuff like that will get worked out in time.
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Awww, (((((Amber))))).
That's really a beautiful report of your and B's first extended time together. It was heartwarming to read of your tenderness around his pain areas.
I'm sorry he's gone and sure understand your flash of grief. And it sounds so clear that you two really are moving into a shared life. You'll cope with the next six weeks, even though it may be harder to wait again. You had him, he had to go take care of bidness, so here you are again.
But not. You have moved so far, as has he.
Small point, no pun intended: I could write for ages about older-lady innards and older-man outards. Suffice it to say that tenderness for all that, too, comes about, I'm confident. Best advice I can give is: no goals. Your love languages will unfold in so many ways that are much more subtle than all that. You'll find your unique intimate fit, whatever its form and limits.
hugs
Hops
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Thanks Hops. If anything, the whole sexual aspect of this older intimate relating is just as fraught with angst, conflict with desire, & physical limitation/awkwardness as one's first time. I do think we're being patient with each other and ourselves tho. And both of us making jokes.
I think... which means I might not see clearly about this... that B and I physically express the deeper emotional truths between us, like that exposed spotlighted vulnerability of just who and what we are at this age and our way of connecting to each other; our intuitive perception of the other, the deep down affection we hold for each other. That adds additional complexity, as compared to sex as just physical release of energy.
The latter doesn't involve or require any emotional involvement at all. Still can be deeply satisfying; still invites feeling connection (which is how some people comfuse lust with love) and like everything in a marriage - becomes habit. So we're barely dancing... but just trying out how it feels to finally relax into letting go and just DANCING and understanding that we're not really losing ourselves in it.... just shifting perception lenses.... and that it's safe to trust that much.
And that all sounds like an extremely elaborate explanation/excuse/rationalization for fear, doesn't it? :D I might resemble that. LOLOLOLOLOL. And it's hilariously funny because at no time in my life have I been shy this way. Despite being raped so young, I was adamant that it wouldn't affect my enjoyment of this basic human instinct. But this - B & I - is way more than sex. And that ups the stakes for both of us, I think.
He was deeply hurt by his Ex's sudden rejection of him 20 years ago - due to injury/scars. He thought I was patronizing him and BSing when I told him "chicks dig scars". I completely understand how hard it would be to trust anyone ever again. I also know, that we're both entirely capable of rising to a challenge and in our previous meetings things have been more intense. But we're wise enough to understand that the comfort of day to day interacting is where the lasting connection is; where it's won/lost sometimes too. Relationships go through moods and seasons, too.
By late September, my normal increase in energy will be hitting and I'll have recovered from the enervating lassitude of this summer's extreme heat and humidity. He likes heat; works his butt off in it and it doesn't affect him at all. I can barely move in it without feeling completely weakened. It's better on overcast days - so I know it's the sun. He's looking forward to snow again (spent time at/above the arctic circle) and of course fires.
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@&$*@*@#&@
More paperwork complication and incompetence for B, at new hospital/Drs. office. And of course, the job of getting everything sorted out falls to him. He does want me to try explaining to the temp in Drs office what needs to happen, or the NP -- if I can get him on the phone. But he will completely lose health insurance if I were able to persuade him to let me self-insure him... to stop this maddeningly frustrating buck-passing cluster you-know-what. **
Even better - his DOD liason called his ex-wife (who has no business knowing anything) just because she had the old phone number and told her god knows what, about where he was seeking treatment. Never even tried to call Buck.
I don't want to do a single thing, until we get more information about just what is going on.
This day just keeps getting better and better. I'm gonna go stuff my face full of chips and salsa and watch mind-numbing youtube videos. Tomorrow is another day.
** The government & insurance people aren't exactly communicating among themselves either. So in a way, as convoluted as that process is, I can't blame the hospital billing crew being totally confused about what they're supposed to do or why. It's so extraordinarily complex from what they're used to. But I don't comprehend, after Buck carefully patiently explained twice where paperwork & reports needed to go - to avoid approval being cancelled - that it hasn't been taken care of yet.
*** AND... he left paperwork in my car. The Drs office handed him the report that needs to go to insurance & DOD instead of taking care of that online. Rolling my eyes so hard I'm looking out.... well, you know.
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Ooooof. I can't-but-can imagine the frustration, Amber.
Feel so much empathy for both of you. At least B has you
as compadre now, and vice versa. (Be sure to keep the
boundary of a separate self so you don't fuse, and you'll
be fine thru this. Hard but doable.)
Boy, this whole process must take a
LOT
of conscious breathing....
Sending extra oxygen your way....
hugs
Hops
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Hmmmm...... sounds like business as usual in the United State's medical system, IME.
No consequences for dropping the ball.
Someone else is expected to correct their mistakes.
Unlikely they'll stop dropping the ball.... it's sort of their thing, IME.
I am praying B receives competent treatment when the paperwork is settled and finallly FINALLY in place.
Sometimes you meet doctors who're gifted and know what they're doing, bc they have experience and training to understand particular problems one brings to their attention, IME. I'm trying to think of a time when that's been the case in my realm..... Grandfather's knee surgery... Grandma's eye surgery..... my own eye surgeries...... so, ya....there are competent docs out there and I believe B will find his.
Lighter
P.S. Just keep punching away at red tape and incompetence. Adjust your expectations with regard to the paperwork debacle. You guys are on the rigth track. It was never going to be easy, IME. It's going to be OK.
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Thanks guys. I've calmed down.
When I looked at the paperwork - I saw the report that needs to be filed with the gov. The clueless woman at the window handed it to him, without ever saying he'd have to turn it in. We thought it was just his copy - but he says he never sees that paperwork. And he promptly got busy on projects and didn't remember until today he left all that in the glovebox of my car. SIGH. Post Office guarantees it'll be in is hands Thursday. With luck, tomorrow - but she couldn't guarantee that even with express priority postage.
He gets anxious triggered because of the numerous times the ball's been dropped - and because even his superiors, after successful completion of a mission, handed out medals and promptly left the country leaving B and his fellow soldiers behind to find their own way home from Kuwait. Took 'em about a month of taking any job they could find to make the money to leave. In turn, his anxiety triggers me - and I know better than jumping into action in that state without having ALL the possible information available.
As far as the ex-wife, he wants to find out what they told her before he rips someone a new one... and requests a new liason.
Oh, and lawyer informed him he HAD to immediately go get steroid shots again even though they CAUSE him additional back pain and are responsible for eruptions on his feet (which were almost healed here, while he was postponing steroids and just take tinctures & using the antibiotic (herbal) cream I got him. 2 hours after the shot, his skin is bleeding again. Another doc said the dosage is way too high; and shots given too frequently and the skin reaction is an allergy. To no avail. As B says - he's still "Property of..." - and he's allowed no say or free choice in the matter. IMO, they're gradually trying to kill him. Yeah - that's jumping to extremes - but so is being in a position of not being able to refuse a treatment that is medically determined to make things WORSE.
This is not the only thing that popped up on my "look out below" radar today. I think I'm having a nice simple dinner and watching this short series Hol recommended that she said was hilarious - The White Lotus. If I don't just eat and go to bed with my book. I just need to reboot the whole day.
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So glad to read you're finding center again AND you got B's feet pretty well healed up.
I have to admit, though..... I've always shared your feeling about the government health system doing what it can to kill B off so they don't have to provide services any longer.
That is some heinous fockery extraordinair, almost unbelievably evil, but it happens and it might be happening in this situation.
The plan to get him out of the system is a sound one. You're doing what you can and I know B appreciates it and will benefit exponentially once it's done.
Lighter
-
Thanks Lighter. To clarify - when he left here, his feet were almost clear. 2 hrs after the forced steroid shotS (not just one) they were bleeding again. And his back kept him up all night. Why don't they just admit they're torturing him and be done with it already? His primary doc documented the allergy and recommended stopping the shots - but apparently his opinion doesn't count in the gov system. I fear the same will happen with the new pain & spine doc.
I feel like there is still one important missing piece of information, for me to get the whole picture clearly in my head. I don't know what that piece could be. I can't know what I don't know, situation. So going to look only makes me more confused than ever. B says the retirement/separation from the service still isn't complete; a year later. Which is why - the way I've read the retirement insurance plan that lets you choose your own docs - he simply can't go and do that. And to complicate things further (oy vey)... now Dept of Labor is involved, because he was injured on active duty it's considered a federal workman's comp case.
The fastest easiest way to stop this merry-go-round, is to let ME insure him; cover the medical costs. He won't do that because then he loses his pension & disability pay. We could still live better on my income than he could on those. It's a traditional male ego thing; he even knows that. He knows that the reaction of feeling like he would be leeching off me, is irrational. But it matters to him. The amount of work he is capable doing - even now - more than compensates me for any dollars involved. Guess we need to have my old "philosophy of money" talk. To me, it's simply a means to an end. It doesn't buy love or happiness but it sure can make life easier. Especially if one isn't given to a lot of vain, status symbol or frivolous purchases. (neither of us are)
He is an odd combination of OCD/ADD too. That's kinda what makes me think I'm missing an important piece of the puzzle. Just like seeing the office visit report/referrals paperwork yesterday. I put 2+2 together instantly. That's not in his skillset. But he has the determination, focus and patience to work straight through to finish what he starts - no matter how tired & hungry he gets; no matter how much it's going to hurt him when he does stop.
This 6-7 week separation is the hardest one yet; for both of us. He's been calling me several times a day. I'm having fear-generated ominous premonitions; but I'm still able to be open about how I feel... so that's a positive. I promised him we'd figure this crap out together. Maybe I need to figure out what question to ask.
Ok, time to go see if I can finish up the radio project without setting the house on fire. LOLOLOLOLOL. 100 watts transmission ham shack about to go live. I have phone tech support - even if he does speak more engineer than I do.
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Unsettling but probably sound thought:
I would be reluctant to be so dependent that someone else had to insure me, after all this time on my own. Perhaps it's going too far forward into the future too fast?
Logically, financially, it makes sense. Maybe emotionally for B, it doesn't quite yet. (If he leaves his present coverage, it's likely gone for good, right? What if something happened with you two? Or you--god forbid--died, and then he's dependent on your family to be sure he's insured forever?) That kind of thing. Maybe.
Maybe B needs a little time to assimilate his OWN sense of security with you. Just telling him what's practical, or promises, need some time to become rocks of certainty. He's just moved away from all he knows to make this leap. But maybe his leap is in slo-mo.
He's vulnerable too, and as confident as you are about the practical-logistical steps, he may be moving a little more slowly. That doesn't detract in the slightest from his feelings of love and commitment; they just may need time to gel.
You can get to a time and space together when a rational and emotionally-acceptable solution comes that you both can agree on. It's like waiting for a peach to ripen.
There's time to build that safety.
hugs
Hops
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LOL.... oh I know Hops. Right now it's a burnt bridge too far for him. I get that and don't take umbrage. Just want to make sure it's known as a valid option. All those reasons you listed for him NOT doing that are valid too. Even his conditioned ego-role-pride is valid. (The man is the provider.)
But he frequently laments about how tired he is of having to fight for every single thing. And that just hurts my heart. And there's nothing I can do past what I'm already doing. He says that's more than he's had the last 20 years. He's still getting used to that change.
It's kinda amazing that he doesn't get too down about it for too long. He doesn't get stuck in it. Just keeps on going; trying.
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I'm sorry if you said,, Amber, but has B looked into legal remedies of any type?
The clock is ticking. Sooner is better than later, IME.
Accountability might be more popular these days in this climate.
Lighter
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Yes Lighter. He's had a lawyer working up a case for 2 years now. Advising him, sometimes intervening.
I think the radio project is done and ready to power up. GEEKY excitement! LOLOLOLOL. It's nice and cool down in the office too. Good place for me to work till the heat wave breaks. Manuals to read! Wheeeeeeeee. Making space for B to put his stuff....then it's out to the garage to make more space for pantry stuff and his tools. Some of 'em.
The kids seem to be working out their issues, but Hol is expressing some deep pain about friends who've turned out not to be, so much. (Some of that is also connected to her experience with her sister.) I kinda need to remind her that proximity has some impact on friendships. But her argument will be that other friends make the effort & trip to visit her. And she has a point. I've stayed friends with people at great distance for a long time.
Maybe it's just that even though the farm is a lot of work... there is also lots of time to think & feel without distractions. Nature abhors a vacumn. So it gets filled with stuff that people working regular hours and juggling family don't have time to indulge in thinking about. And that's about as far as I'll ponder that topic, I think. She can do as she will. Speaking of friends, I probably oughta check in with Deb and see where she's at in her processing. She's starting to get her sense of humor back, so it's probably time for a girls weekend.
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It's good you're staying busy and productive, Amber. Particularly in this heat.
I notice snarkiness rising up as I realize an attorney's been advocating for B and building a case on his behalf. The snarkiness says...
"Oh, at least B's murder's being documented."
It's not that simple.... never is, ime.
But...... when is it CLEAR more harm than good is being perpetated by the medical professionals? When is enough going to be enough?
B's feet were pretty well healed and now they're bleeding again. I understood that, btw...... I was just cheering the win at the farm, bc soon B will be there full time. I'm very hopeful. Very.
The shot souns like business as usual in the old system. When does the new system take over? Does it? I know y ou don't know. I know you're working on it very hard and with vigor.
How do the powers that be JUSTIFY this harmful treatment...... the threats against B if he fails to comply with the harm? Taking away his benefits, etc...... unless he allows harm. That's just impossible for me to wrap my brain around. There's no easy place for my mind to rest here. Sorry, the bloody feet B KNEW would be bloody.... and TOLD them would be bloody BC he's ALLERGIC to the meds.....
I don't understand why the Attorney allowed it....... what is the final insult? What is the final injury?
Does the attorney say WHEN it might end?
Is 2 years long enough to build a case?
It seems like a lot has happened in the past 24 months.
::putting snark away::.
For now.
I remember allowing the ILs to have visitation with my girls.... how it was a chess game..... we had to allow harm in order to prove it in order to DO something about limiting it and finally ending it.
You just hope the harm done can be mitigated.....overcome. STOPPED.
Frankly, I'm shocked B's body has tolerated all it's been subjected to and I'm not talking about his initial injuries.
I know I'm preaching to the choir, here.
What's happening to B....... the people harming him should feel a little terror every time they poke and harm him, IMO.
Maybe more than a little.
Not every soldier they poke and harm is as stable as B. I am baffled about the system's ability to harm THIS particular group of individuals consistently and with such comfort. They seem pretty comfortable to me, Amber.
How do they keep getting away with this? It's egregious, heinous fuckery and I couldn't live with myself if I was forcing vets to take shots they're allergic to much less screwing up pain pumps IN THEIR SPINAL COLUMNS creating more pain and debilitating injury on top of initial injury.
What has the attorney documented and what can he prove?
You don't have to answer. I sense you've managed to rise above this for a while and remain level, despite the insanity.
You're a good strong mate, Amber.
Lighter
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Lighter, THANKS. There was a lot of support gleaned from what you're calling snark. ;)
I'm headed over the mtn today for haircut & errands so short time this morning to respond. But yes, about allowing harm, documenting it, in order to prove it. All just to STOP it.
As to TPTB, I've stopped looking for rationality or common sense in how they justify anything a long time ago. Holly's point of view is that the corporatizing of healthcare has almost obliterated the "care" aspect of repairing bodies and treating chronic illnesses. In favor of the bottomline - profit. I've stopped wondering out loud: "they can't do that, can they?" when something goes 180 to the principles of justice or law (not the same thing) that we grew up with. Change can be a very good thing - I truly believe that. But perhaps not when the baby is thrown out with the bathwater.
In life, I've not shied away from fighting the obstacles to what I want. It's not always the best way tho. Many times it's possible (and easier) to go around something than attempt to go straight thru. But lately, I've kinda settled into a more direct approach again... because the standard script from those representing the provision of what I'm seeking see the main task of their position not as facilitating everyone's needs - but as some kind of power broker who decides who is worthy or not.
My choice of strategy depends on understanding enough of how a particular system works, that I know exactly where to apply the hammer and when to grease the wheels with a little smile, compassion or connection. Sometimes to the point of educating that public contact individual with the basic concepts of customer service and demonstrating how much more pleasant their role can be by being HELPFUL, rather than seeing the public as a threat to their time. (That kinda makes me sound supercilious and arrogant; but honestly I do attempt to read people deeply enough to make that assessment and help them be better at their jobs.)
There are so many layers and personality types involved in the outside world. I used to be fluent in that world but it truly burdened me (needing a better understanding of me and how my "system" worked). I am purposefully removed from that world, live very simply & privately and I like this much better. It allows me the space to get to know the other layers of ME, that there was no room for in that world. There's a much softer, more sensitive me that is starting to peek thru. She gets to the see the light of day more now.
To refocus on solving the situation, perhaps the lawyer is pointed at the wrong entity. I'll have to gather some more information about that. In time. Right now, B is trying to recover from the effects of the shots and is sleeping at some strange times because he feels so lousy.
The people who called out my lack of patience when I was a child, have absolutely no idea how patient I can be. When it's important to have full understanding before acting.
-
Sigh. Tech glitches are preventing me from paying a bill online. I've held out longer than a lot of people on this method, but since the paper bills aren't getting to me with enough time allowed to return a payment in the mail (10 business days is no longer reliable where I am; and there are days we get absolutely no mail in a row, too.) The glitch is on the company's server -- all other sites working fine for me. SIGH. I'll call them tomorrow, unless I come up with another way to outsmart the technology. (It works, sometimes. Sometimes I don't have the patience or care that much.)
B is still out in the incommunicado zone. Not by choice, btw. He has an uninvited house guest (courtesy of his D whho was housesitting) that he can't legally throw out because her name is on the mortgage. There is no communication between them either; no interaction. But it's disturbing - for him and for me. I'll know in a few days what's going on, maybe. I have a feeling it's directly connected to the VA liason's call to her. In some bizarre fashion. I've been feeling downright pouty & petty jealousy over it all. But not adding to his burden, for now. It's not his fault. I also have independent autonomy and decisionmaking and may play that card, depending on what is learned in a couple days. I am sure he's already planned his actions based on what he learns, as well. So for now - patience is again the name of the game.
Backhoe lessons yesterday. Only Hol worked on it before a flat tire eliminated my turn. She took to it pretty well and doesn't have anymore bobcat experience than I do. So I'm less intimidated by the size of it, knowing the center of gravity is the most important thing to pay attention to. Thanks Rick!
We have 14 baby ducks who've graduated to the pond now. Tomatos coming out our ears and we're planning a basic sauce canning lesson (freezing till we have enough for a whole batch) when there's time. Like Lighter's to-do list, mine is pretty full too - but it's all stuff I "should" be getting a jump on for winter or want to do. Deb's coming out next weekend, so I can get myself organized around that. Kinda feel like I'm spinning my wheels lately. This too shall pass.
And I'm another week closer to B being back here again. Midweek the temps are predicted to go back to normal for this time of year - and I'm going to save my energy for outside work, till then.
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Sweater weather, slippers, Uggs, casseroles, baking... sewing... yes, I'm pushing as fast as I can for fall too. Our ducks are muscovies too!
B and I aren't totally incommunicado; sorry I was leaning dramatic there. It's just a lot LESS communication throughout the day, than normally takes place when he's back home, much less right here. Our ESP wavelength has been quiet too. He absolutely wants to leave (at the final step) without anyone knowing where he's going and only the D will have a phone number to reach him. People have treated him so badly, he doesn't want anyone being able to follow him here in the future. Apparently the ex, is that kind of batshit crazy (he doesn't say so; I'm inferring that).
And he'd rather she wasn't all right up in his business as he goes about the moving process either. Nosy and unrelenting are two descriptors that come to mind. (I imagine this is one reason, why I hear how much he likes an independent woman - LOL.) I don't think she understands that all expectations and dependency is at an end when the divorce papers are processed. Any kindness he's extended her over the years, has been for D's sake - and it was optional. D turns 20 this year. That is now at an end. But she keeps trying to exploit that, using D sometimes, to try to guilt him into satisfying her demands. Mostly for money. Sigh. I can't believe she still thinks that would work on someone with as strong a mind and emotional stability as him. He thinks of her as an irritation; annoyance. Nothing more serious than that. And I trust him to get her detached from this desperate obsession completely.
I just haven't exercised the Amazon Shield Maiden aspect of me in some time. And she's restless, but it's not really helpful to him, to turn her loose. Much better I stay in the shadows some more time and let him handle it. I know how far he feels he will go to be free of all that; and not an inch further. 20 years after rejecting someone outright; coldly; just as they become parents (which she said she wanted but didn't follow up on for 20 years) and try to insert herself now???? That's some massive control issue delusions.
He cleans up his own messes. I can only complicate things further if I get involved.
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Woo boy.... can't wait for B to make that final journey over the mountain, Amber.
Hopefully his ex won't follow.
Will be interesting to see how B handles it, if she does.
Good luck paying that bill. It's one of the jobs I've been putting off ........paying bills on the island. So many things have to line up to get the job done. Finding the box with the files, finding the passwords, getting through when the system is up, sticking with it till it is, if it's down, bc the phone company can't take payment over the phone..... not sure why, but it's maddening.
Enjoy the cooler weather.
Lighter
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Amber, I really admire your restraint about interfering w/B's ex sitch. Very very wise.
And envy the duckies and tomatoes canning and earth earth earth you are so tuned into. Bravo on your produtive harvest.
Mine's too pitiful to mention.
hugs
Hops
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Well, my suspicious brain was barking up the wrong tree. (And she's gone now.) Turns out real life intersects my relationship... in that her lease was up; landloard tripled the rent; and she needed a place to stay while waiting for new affordable place to open up. So, D invited her to stay there. Not a lot more needs to be said about that. Maybe OOPS? Sorry?
Yeah, at this point, I'm pretty sure he can't get here soon enough to suit me. I'm still a grumpasaurus and my sarcastic streak is popping out again. When that happens, I give Dorothy Parker a run for her money. I'd better go take care o' business and use some of that energy.
-
LOL. I know how that happens.
Sometimes I can pre-analyse and respond to all sorts of negative complexities in my head with matching complexity when the actual rationale for all that mental steam is completely absent. Blush.
Dorothy Parker is aiming high! I am working at a new plan for the church community, as it'll be small-scale. "Elder Net." It's not going to aim at "everybody old" there, but specifically at those who still live independently (as I hope to even years from now) but have no family near. Just the "isolated elders", so to speak. Spoke to the minister about it and she was enthused. We're going to meet/Zoom about it later this month.
I think building a simple system with a half-dozen volunteers to check in, visit when safe, or just call or email often enough so the person knows somebody gives a damn, would be right up my alley. My friend Gennulman wasn't found for several days when he died, which was unacceptable, and I'm sure it's happened before. Just not okay, if we practice what we preach.
Elder-elders, with their deaf ears and shaky voices and crabby (pain-expressing) or stubborn natures are just too damn easy to ignore. Even in retirement communities, I found out back when I did it for pay.
I hope she'll support me and help me get it rolling. It would feel really good and I know that turf.
hugs
Hops
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Hops, I think that's an excellent project for you. Remember to keep it as simple as possible. It keeps you engaged in something you know a lot about and fits your natural outgoing, helpful & compassionate nature.
One more step to do in my "have tos" today - I don't count collecting the trash. Overcame the tech glitch for bill paying too. Hol had to report for jury duty in B'more today and should be home soon. She had a close encounter with "the other woman" in her life in the jury pool... and I know her brain is rolling it around in all kinds of crumbs too. We can compare notes & commiserate... and even laugh at ourselves. (In some ways, that helps more than anything else for maintaining perspective - sometimes the sarcasm morphs into that.)
I'm tempted today, to start kicking the habitual "overwhelm" I feel when the simple things I need to do -- are unduly complicated. (Including the tendency in my own head to speculate.) I have tomatos I want to peel and start boiling down for a fresh marinara sauce. No idea how long it'll take... but it'll give me a chance to let my mind wander & daydream and speculate about stuff that isn't at all important. And I think that just might be therapeutic.
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Amber:
I guess I missed something regarding Hol's "other woman" in the jury pool? Did I read that right?
Congrats on overcoming the tech glitch. That's difficult stuff for me to wrap my mind around and it comes'round
every
darn
month.
Hops: It looks like you'll have the support of the minister? I guess I'm wondering if the elder net plan could or would go forward with or without the minister's support. Is the minister's support necessary? I don't know, so I'm asking.
It sounds like a wonderful project for you, your experience and talents.
Good luck with that, for sure.
Lighter
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It'll make a big difference to have her support. She's doing a very good job as our interim and that unites the cong.
I was nearly blackballed after my 2-year involvement with the attempted coup against the previous miNinster (which was a decision of conscience I do not regret, but it made board members uneasy). So it'd be great to have a new project to head up that also has the support of leadership.
We'll see how it goes. If games begin, I can gracefully retreat.
hugs
Hops
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Lighter - Hol's situation isn't important; to her. Involves former relationship. She didn't obsess over it, as much as I thought she would - so, she truly is past her feelings about that situation. (Which is good news.)
I've got a few things to put under cover today and take care of before we get the predicted monsoon of rain from Ida tonight. Some more little things to get ready for the weekend (back to "almost fall" temps!!!) Some shopping to take care of.
Then, I think I'm looking for some completely unstructured time to just let my brain unwind. I have a pair of pants to repair for Buck, and some other "bug" to do some sewing. One of Hol's friends is commissioning her to make her kids a large stuffed dragon for Christmas. I've made puppet theaters, bears, etc toys in the past so I said I'd help. I might have some patterns to jump start her idea-process. We're both in the decision process for dress forms, too. They've gotten pretty extravagant, compared to what I remember. Customizable, with arms & legs even. Might help with the "pants" project Hol & I are talking about.
There is an extreme vacumn in the category of women's work clothes. Duluth Trading used to be pretty good - but not lately. Too many synthetic fabrics - which are horrible for welders. Carhartt has expanded their women's line - but the fit isn't always workable in the general size ranges available. I tried overalls in both large & extra large - and neither of them fit me well - length of inseam is way long. Gardeners need different pocket setups than shop/fabrication pants... construction something else. So, we're thinkin' on it.
There hasn't been so many women in the trades since WWII. It doesn't get a lot of press, but they are definitely out there!
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I like the sound of Red Ants pants, since they have both a straight and a curvy option! Cool.
https://www.residentialproductsonline.com/11-places-find-tough-and-reliable-womens-workwear (https://www.residentialproductsonline.com/11-places-find-tough-and-reliable-womens-workwear)
Love me some google.
hugs
Hops
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I'm very behind Skep and have skipped through some bits but I am delighted that Buck got there and the two of you had a good time :) Also that Hol seems to have got more on board with the whole thing. Did an eek! at the medical stuff. Such a nightmare and so frustrating that it's just an endless amount of things to sort out, all of it avoidable if others did what they're supposed to, I presume? And calling ex wife? And was that the ex that was then staying at the house? I'd have had a little meltdown, I'm glad all of that got sorted and she's gone off doing whatever she does. I'm really pleased you got that time together and I hope the next visit comes around really soon xx
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Amber:
Your work clothes complaint made me laugh and laugh, bc I look ridiculous in my Carhart overalls and regular Levi overalls....they absolutly don't fit me, but they do cover me up well enough while working. Nothing as serious as welding, but I don't mind looking funny while getting jobs done. Never have minded. I feel rather invisible in the country while wearing them to Lowe's, etc.
It would be wonderful to have DD21 tweak the fit of the things for my shape. She has a fancy sewing machine I don't think I could figure out...... looks like a computer, it does. I've always wanted to take my jeans in at the knee and add hoods to coats and jackets I like. Just LOVE hoods on everything, so I'm vibing with your sewing projects. I don't have that skill, but appreciate those with the
gift: )
I hope you and Hol enjoy making the dragon and work clothes. Are you thinking of making workclothing from absolute scratch?
Lighter
Lighter
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Yes Lighter - for the workpants, it'll absolutely be "bespoke"; made from scratch & tailored to someone's unique body shape... and even preferences. For instance, Hol doesn't like baggy/wide legs because they snag on equipment & such when working on set. (There's a whole Rube Goldberg setup for lighting, cameras and special effects "off camera" she climbs around and hides in) Pants are the trickiest garment of all, because of all the places they need to give, have some room to move in - but still hang pleasingly while standing.
I'll admit, she & I are persnickety about some things, about clothes - almost autistic picky. But she's been customizing her wardrobe since middle school and living out in the boonies, "attire" simply isn't as important as function and comfort. I'm going in a bunch of directions on that topic. Wearing leggings & tunics again; oh! Sweater-weather is almost here!... but I'm liking long skirts too. Cloaks. Elven fashion - or Viking, it varies. Very simple sewing there, but plenty of accessorizing/embellishment opportunities.
I deal with the issues of being a little TOO well endowed - and she's just the opposite; but bras are another topic of "problem-solving" on our workboard. They are uncomfortable for both of us - and we've tried many versions. So now, I'm looking at various periods of stays, corsets, and such. For ideas. They would've been unbearably hot in the weather we had the past couple months - so, definitely trying to re-invent the wheel in that dept.
And at this point, it's become impossible to find patterns that is exactly what we want... so patternmaking - a specialty unto itself - is on the "learn it better" list.
First thing up on the table, is patching a pair of motorcycle jeans for B. Odd seaming makes it challenging. Then I'm going to make myself a pair of moccasins. I can't find the style of short boots I like, made commercially anymore - and Hol brought home two bison hides, different colors, to go with my white deerskin. I wore out two pair like that in HS.
I like making complex things - like bags & functional purpose-specific clothing. Household stuff - cushion covers, duvets, curtains... too.
Like any seamstress, I have a pretty big "stash" of fabrics. I'll need to retrieve those totes from the studio attic and reacquaint myself with what I saved.
I think Hol & I both were looking for building/decorating projects to get to a plateau... a solid functional resting place, so we could shift gears into some of these ideas/challenges.
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Tupp, you'll catch up in time. There's nothing major going on around the farm right now - even though I keep pushing on a few things on a regular basis to "get 'er done". No worries! It's time to start having some fun with your new place, eh?
Hops, thanks for that link. I shared with Hol. She's being as lazy as I am today. But her brain is in overdrive thinking, making choices, trying to suss out the right direction for her to go in, too. I'm not in the least bit worried that there might be bigger companies doing what we're thinking about. I think the trend across the retail spectrum is shop local and support local "makers". And we don't want to be "big"!! Quality matters more than quantity - function, then aesthetics. Craftsmanship versus artistry. It was something I predicted happening 20 years ago on an art forum. Pictures and knick-knacks are all well & good... but people's search for simplicity and qualities other than materialism/consumerism... are driving a search for the unique; handmade; built to last a lifetime.
Buck is looking to do more work along the same lines - but in metal and wood, leather too - again, with the same mindset of utility and durability. And I haven't given up the idea of getting some kind of good sized loom.
So many ideas; choices have to be made because there simply isn't time to do everything. Rome wasn't built in a day.
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Amer:
I think we share some similar traits of what might be considered pickiness. Oh well. I love reading about bespoke cloething items and finding a bra that's comfortable AND supports, PLEASE. If you figure that out, let me know. I'm wearing a little support but I'd like to LOOK like there's a lot of support without the strain and cutting off blood and lymph supply. I know you know what I mean. Just difficult and uncomfortable to get the girls UP in place and not do harm, IME.
Looking forward to seeing you post about replacing beloved shoes and jeans and work clothes and make things better than you can buy or adjust.
I have things I've loved since HS too and can't replace. The one pair of BBjeans have been replaced in the thigh area over and over again. Now, broken down into a patter, I want to find several fabrics and have patterns made from them BEFORE having the jeans put back together in time for my being able to wear them again.... likely in the fall.
The fabrics have to be a certain weight with a certain stretch....... the fabric the seamstress picked out was too thin, had no stretch, juat a fiasco fabric for all the money and time and hope I put into trying to replace those jeans as I gained weight.
Anway..... I'm ejoying this topic. I hope Hol comes up with a pattern and choice of fabrics that solves all her work clothes problems.
Lighter
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Lighter, I'd ordered some "patternmaking fabric" online.... what showed up was exactly a medium weight interfacing. More I pondered over that, the more it made sense. Takes sharpie really well, is KINDA see-thru, and because it's not woven, it's pretty stable.
As for the problem with the girls... I'm thinking a shelf might be the most comfortable. (HA!) But half my problem is the strain on my back muscles (between shoulders). Maybe a winch or pulley connected to my daruma doll butt? Sure there's weight training. Sure there's losing weight, too. But I'm already well on the way there (and the girls don't exactly shrink along with everything else).
I dunno. More thinking. More letting imagination run to sci-fi, the void, and garments from history.
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My girls haven't just gone south, where they could simply be collected at the train station, but they've also split up and headed east and west, which is much more difficult to track. They're twins but not identical, so they won't stand out the way one might expect.
It's a great adventure for them, however. Their messages home are gleeful.
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Ah.... WHEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeee!
And now we're off into giggly sillies-land. I keep seeing that aging isn't for sissies - and won't deny that. But we can AT LEAST LAUGH at the realities of it, as much as possible.
But if a fairy-godmother showed up and said she'd grant my erstwhile, sometimes wish to at least LOOK the way I did at 30... I think I'd have to turn her down. My vanity would absolutely adore that. For a short while. I spent a lot of time dealing with my middle-aged (and then older) body and accepting the authenticity of it as an expression of who I feel I am now. I think it might be some kind of twilight zone nightmare to be an old lady trapped in a younger one's body, ya know?
There was a LOT of stuff I worked on about that, being a rape survivor. Dealing with Mike's expectations & fantasies. It was complex and tricky and honestly, it still comes up for me from time to time. So, I'm currently looking for compromise: between how hard I'm willing to work for the standard in my brain which is unrealistic (and yes, one trades a lot of time & energy for that "standard") and just feeling comfortable in my own skin.
B has his own touchy areas - given the form of rejection he experienced from his ex. His scars really aren't that prominent or ugly. I spent a LOT of time in "life drawing" above & beyond requirements with both male & female models. And this man is ideally proportioned & put together. So he has scars? whoopdedoo. For all I know - the ex has some triggers of her own. But there was no crazy fantasy stuff for us, right from the beginning. We're old people, and like alot of classic cars we have rust spots, bondo, pitted chrome, & dings. There's only so much "cosmetic" work can fix... so why not just broaden that standard of physical beauty enough to include us "over 60" crowd?
LOLOL, even Hol is trying to figure this out. She has a friend from work; they get along very very well. He's in his 50s; so a decade older than her. She saw a guy on set (from the back) that got her attention immediately. He turned around and she had to smack herself in the head. "Of course, it was "so & so". But I think she's a lot more forthright, direct, and unencumbered by hangups than maybe our generation is (despite popular fiction about the "sexual revolution").
But the bra "problem solving" is more a functional issue for me & her. We do a lot physical work - so we're looking for functional; yet comfortable to wear for a full day.
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I'm trying to take a practical approach, ya know, "the gift within the problem."
If the girls head much farther toward the coasts, they'll plunge into the sea.
I may loop them together at my upper back and use them as a modified backpack. Kind of a shelf design.
Very handy.
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IMO, it should be common practice that after those "glands" are no longer needed for their primary biological purpose, they should be shrunk to be a reasonable representation of the female human form. Binding is starting to sound good, btw. Maybe they can be espaliered like some trees?
:rolleyes:
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OOOO! I love the creative thinking!!
Espaliered boobies, YASSSSS Amber!
I believe this could be the start of another farm microbusiness, eh?
:)
Hops
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Well, that creative streak got a tad far out over the weekend. LOLOLOLOL. Friend Deb came to stay the weekend. We had more food around that we could eat. She's been losing weight what with all the stress of the past few months. And it's helping with managing her blood sugar...
No late nights, even though we met up with Hol in the studio (aka "bitch barn") where we let it all hang out. First night, was real early since dinner was required. We both slept in and enjoyed the cool evenings. Saturday we went for a drive, exploring... into the county where I lived in the 90s and built the first homestead. A couple stops: farm market, the local indoor "mall" - which is a combination of Big Lots and a curiosity shop, and then what used to be a feed store converted into an upscale artist's co-op, wine bar & bakery. Ran a lot of my old commuter routes. Sunday was another lazy day - I started mending B's old bike jeans and the hilarity commenced as Hol pointed out I'm the stubbornest person she knows, and despite her advice on patching the knee (she IS the pants "problem-solver") I insisted on patching it the hardest way possible. Had to pull the needle through all the layers with a hemostat.
We watched her Hallmark series; a couple of period Brit comedies that were really cute. Again with the romance angle in them. Which I find odd - since she absolutely positively won't discuss maybe having a relationship with a guy (not interested in women either). It's been a solid "no" ever since I've known her. She's never said why; I don't pry. People have their reasons.
B is back on the phones this morning... trying to shepherd his medical/gov stuff along again. I've been collecting the parts & pieces he needs to make Helga functional again (bigger, better, bionic!) for his next big project. AND dealing with the first major retirement of an employee at the business. Lots of paperwork since that position is financial. There's been some progress on the generational transition side of things too. Bro has been pretty easy to deal with - but still not quite with his head totally wrapped around things.
Roof is done on the metal shop. Talked to one of the bosses for a good bit last week too; following on up on other processes that need to happen so B can bring the rest of his tools/equipment and have no more reasons other than his own energy/time in preparing to make that final move. He really doesn't want to wait till the snow flies out here.
It's safer territory right now, for B & I to focus on the mundane practical matters... but there have still been frequent flights of romantic daydreaming dropped into that. There is so much "to do" to get this part of the relationship (at a distance) PAST, neither of us wants to create an emotional obstacle or paralysis. The man does make me giggle tho - we've been having all kinds of silly fun conversations lately. Some of it is just nonsense; some of it is "future mind-tripping" - going off into total fantasyland.
He's been feeling pretty good; got his feet cleared up completely now too. Knock on wood, it's been at least 2 months since he's suffered a recurrance of the meningitis symptoms. It's the longest stretch without one, in a year. I'm thinking he's been taking the tincture for a year - minus a month or so when he ran out & didn't tell me. Taking a break like that is a good practice anyway.
(Just heard; no joy on the phone calls yet.)
I'm being lazy this morning and playing online to let my brain settle into some "straight-line, one task" doing. I've been jumping around from thing to thing lately (multi-tasking) and it absolutely destroys my sense of being able to feel "myself". I've adapted to a slower pace and it makes so much more sense for me, I don't know why I didn't start this in my 40s. And moving slower, I'm realizing the tasks that I resist the most strongly (just don't want to do them) really take so little time... it's kinda rediculous to not just jump in and get past it. Why the emotional hurdle, ya know? And that hurdle... and the pressure to rush-rush around, juggling... actually gets in the way of me actually feeling ANYTHING at all, until I take a break. Stop doing. Then I can feel again.
Just more me-weirdness I guess.
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I'm really feeling that last paragraph of yours, Amber.
The cadence of avoiding, waiting for the energy of crisis to land, working like mad then wondering why there's no balance.
Hmmmm.
Lighter
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It has it's pros & cons Lighter.
I've noticed for awhile, that when I finally stop thinking & doing, and start feeling - the very first thing I jump into is grief. Personal grief long past & relived (to what purpose??); grief for my friends who are struggling; grief for the world (jeez, ego much??).
Yeah - balance is important. And I've spent more than enough time in grief, thank the Godz very much, but NO THANKS.
Whether it's true or not, my perception is that if I'm only going to permit myself to focus feeling on grief - it renders me a lot less effective in my life. It gives way to hopelessness & learned helplessness. Fortunately, I've been expanding my repertoire of feelings the past few years. I'm LIKING that bigger purse of feelings. Doing my best to share those more positive feelings too... but I do run the risk of being called a pollyanna (so what?) and avoiding reality, even. But I don't avoid reality - I just define it as big enough to hold all those positive feelings too:
contentedness, satisfaction of accomplishment, sheer happiness - either on my own or shared with others, silly creativity and making fun/light of the human condition and the trials & tribulations of life. (If we couldn't laugh we'd all go insane - Jimmy Buffett)
Those sad moments don't last long anymore. I don't wallow much or for long. I think I just need to acknowledge that there IS a component of my feelings - about the state of the world - that deserves to be mourned. Then I can get back to the complete jukebox of feelings and putting one foot in front of the other again. It sure beats what I used to subject myself to.
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I resonate to the collective human grief too, Amber.
I think you're feeling waves of it that are reverberating through our entire species.
If we were elephants we'd be stamping nonstop on the desert floor, and trumpeting a lament that carries to the stars.
All came together and we have one last half-chance to get serious about saving our planet and our sense of community and nation.
I get it. How could a feeling, thinking human NOT feel this?
My media diet (meaning news) has gotten more intentional. It's helping.
Comfort and joy -- tidings of them anyway,
Hops
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Well, the sense of grief is passing. However, the stress and "waiting for the other shoe to drop" anxiety hasn't. I'm managing mine OK; Hol is struggling - but trying to, as well. She just left to go to work for 3 weeks - where, despite vaccine requirements, mandatory masking & face shields, and weekly testing - every week people are still testing positive. She will likely turn down anymore film/tv work the rest of the year.
I'm channeling my anxiety into doing the practical, get the place ready for winter preparations. Pre-stocking holiday baking supplies (as the shelves have occasionally been a little bare even this summer) and thinking on getting my gifts here, too. Thinking on making more space for Buck around here too. Pushing harder on the metal shop contractor. I have little projects for interior changes, too. Things to improve space usage & functionality; that kind of thing.
B MIGHT - that's a big stress on MIGHT - be here sooner rather than later. We're both keeping our ear to the ground and hearing some disquieting things. He is making extra preparation for the October trip, in case it becomes advisable to leave with what is packed and just be here instead. I'm not holding my breath and I'm also not catastrophizing anything I'm hearing - or he's hearing. He's been busy - so also quiet - again. And when I do talk to him, it's clear he's purging a lot of his thought processes too - and making big adjustments. (edited in; see following)
The heat is making an encore appearance this week - which irritates me, as I have a lot to do outside. But it is what it is. So I started work on patching & "restoring" a pair of B's favorite jeans. And I can probably pre-shop for next year's garden stuff too.
I'm rethinking reality a lot these days. Looking for flexibility in places where the standard definition was pretty settled - but isn't any longer. Readjusting expectations. Exploring my map of previous experiences.... and pulling out bits & pieces that have been mislabeled, wrongly categorized, or mischaracterized. Lots of emotional exploration too - and trying to put words to those feelings, most for the first time. Perspective is shifting, I think. Vantage point of looking at things.
Whatever else is going on in the world - there is a lot of good energy around for personal growth and transformation. And that's an opportunity I'm not going to be "too busy" to miss. Just requires tweaking the old viewpoint frequency receiver, to get the best "signal". It's probably always there - but more than likely a cat bumped the tuning knob - so what comes in, isn't what I was looking for. (To understate it by a mile or leagues.)
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PS - is it bad to be relieved that (except for weekends) Hol will be gone for 3 weeks? :D
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Nope.
It's human, about health, and even wise.
It's good to recognize that you need more separateness, imo.
hugs
Hops
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World suffering and grief is what it is, regardless of how you spend your minutes, Amber.
Turning toward good energy, growth and transformation is more productive than rumination, but you know that.
I'm just sending two thumbs up for your post.
Lighter
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Hey HOPS - the butterfly on butt would work except that the back pockets are already embroidered (brand logo, etc stuff).
I'm kinda just looking at the places on the seams - oh there are LOTS of seams - the jeans are practically "articulated" - where the denim's worn down to the warp and just starting to cover with a basic satin stitch.... until I start seeing it become something. So who knows WHAT will appear? LOLOLOL.
His Ducati is in the barn and the key/title are in my safe, as we speak. Every time I start to doubt he's really serious about getting here... I just go drool over the bike. No one would part with their bike (in the serious cycling community) unless there was a high trust level and intent to shortly follow the bike. I've loved this model, ever since I was riding. Which was a lifetime or 3 ago. No idea if I could talk myself into getting a license & bike again or not. Not even going to seriously contemplate it at this time. It's a pretty physically demanding sport - and that's my main consideration right now. As is my competitive nature - and he's been an actual competitive rider/racer - and with my pride involved, I can foresee taking some less than calculated risks I have no business entertaining. The fantasy is still tantalizing, though.
So yeah - I'm having fun with his jeans. He'll wear 'em, too. He doesn't have any insecurities about his masculinity. LOLOLOL.
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I've ridden on the back of a few bikes, but my mother frightened me so badly about it I quickly veered off after every ride(which, looking down, seemed like an opportunity to scrape all the meat off my bones.)
I don't have those thrill seeking needs you have/had.
Roller coasters were enough and after children that lost it's shine.
Lighter
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Me, too and me, neither.
Never learned to ride but looooved riding on the back.
Not any more, after working in a medical center for years. Also watching a good friend with a bike addiction hurt himself badly, months of rehab, then he was at it again (after swearing off). That's when I saw the experience as not just dangerous but for some, addictive. Doctors convinced me. They were manly and competent and felt no shame whatsoever about ruling out bikes. ("Course, they skied...") Nobody's consistent anyway. I'm probably taking more risk NOT exercising.
Bikes are FUN, no question. But some thrills don't make sense to me any more.
Nothing to prove; I embrace my truthful wussitude. Just wanna stay alive!
Boring ol'...
Hops
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I was still in my 20s back then; the girls were little. I rode for a total of 3 years (didn't trust anyone enough to ride on the back - shivers!!!!) and then decided to quit because there were other things I wanted to do in my life. I was light, fast, and strong enough to be pretty good. But I saw what lurked in liking to go fast, too. Just wasn't going to work in my life game-plan THEN, and probably not now either.
Not that long ago, maybe 12 years ago? - I signed up for the safety course. I was seriously "thinking" about getting my license again. Aced the written test because of my previous experience. Then we practiced on the little 125s in the parking lot. During lunch break, a Harley dropped across the road from the parking lot - and a group of us when to kill the engine, right the bike and help out the guy - thankfully not seriously hurt; just shaken. Think he just hit one of those notoriously unpredictable patches of gravel on asphalt. And then I started playing around with the tiny bike.... :rolleyes: Yeah, I could slide stop; even putting the front wheel directly in a 2x2 chalk box after running the gears & redlining those almost-minibikes. I was having a blast and royally irritating the instructors.
Then came the "ride the box" exercise. Very tight space, mustn't put a foot down, had to go slow and controlled. I'd just gotten bifocals a year or so before. :( Couldn't do it. I still passed, with a lot of personal warnings. But because I couldn't ride the box, even with a really light small bike... I let it go. Either ya can do everything or you can't. I couldn't do that one thing. That bike was 300 lbs lighter than my favorite street bike.
I enjoyed riding immensely, but I didn't have a death wish. I've seen way too many permanent disabilities and deaths due to bikes. Lots more of life to explore and enjoy. But it's great to say "I used to..."
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Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... solitude.
It is still a wonderful thing to me. Even at the price of taking care of H&S's dogs.
I have done a whole lot of NOTHING this week, except to let everything in my head bubble up - look at it - and either make decisions about it or let it go. Maybe those two things are more similar than I think they are.
I'm sleeping. LOTS of sleep. Again - wonderful. It's slowly having an effect on the massive "tiredness" I experience daily. I'm still "doing" of course, but very low level stuff. Haven't even picked up B's jeans to work on them again.
And yet - I noticed I'm all of a sudden super-chatty. Uh, whut's that about? I think it's ancient, in terms of my being conditioned into a support-role in the FOO. My wicker basket I hide under is getting pretty ratty by now. See, me being me - and letting that shine out - and just BEING - is kinda the "last" taboo on the list. One that by now, should've (in my way of seeing things) been eradicated by now.
I think "hiding my light under a bushel basket" is how I resolve my inner conflict - over wanting to HELP and yet, being aware of my own needs, limitations, boundaries, etc. So that taboo is bubbling up now in my awareness - now that there are long stretches of quiet again; no one is coming to me with their drama; and my time isn't full of "OPPs" - other people's problems. Even B is being quiet right now, after I called him out on being anxious & in a hurry to get moved here. :D I can feel it, in some weird sense, day & night. That won't last long. He shifts gears so fast & often, it's hard to keep up. But that keeps life interesting.
My day today is all shifted, since I slept in till 10 am. But that's OK; I really wasn't sleepy till after midnight last night. Not that I was actively engaged in anything... just being. It will be OK; I can't get into the post office till 2 pm anyway now - they close the lobby between 1-2 for lunch. Yeah, life in the country. :D
Wheeeeeeeeeeeee. Doesn't sound exciting; not like the previous ramblings about riding motorcycles anyway. But this is just as thrilling to me. More deeply satisfying and tending to my "self". Yeah, I have housework to do. The temps are dropping and I've let the outside stuff slide till now - but it's been raining too. And I have a chance to not even worry about the stuff on the list, that "isn't done yet".
OKAY THEN.... onwards. :D
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Sounds genuinely exciting to me, Amber, because it sounds so HEALTHY.
Wow. Something good is happening.
I am so very glad you are both slowing down and opening up.
I'm just really glad to read this.
hugs
Hops
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Concrete for the shop is here.
Really glad I fell asleep earlier last night; it was 6:30 when I heard the first of the big trucks pull in. But this concrete is really important. Perfect conditions to pour, too - then it should cure for 2 weeks. B says unless he gets laid low by pain... he can be here in 30 days. Permanently.
He's upset with the new docs. For all the reasons others complain too. Some of it is anxiety, some of it is just the monumental change of this move for him. One doc has drug her feet about making an appt for him - she can't decide if she'll accept his referral. It's been a month of waiting. He's afraid it won't get approved in DC by his insurance people. And I understand his trepidation there. I mentioned pain; he had a tough week last week that way. And all any ER (none of his old docs will see him now) will prescribe is 800mg of ibuprofen for him. Which is causing stomach problems.
Sigh. I'm at a loss. There really aren't any good painkillers in the herbal world - nothing that's actually a nervine, something to calm the nerves down. So my next exploration is going to be the neuro side of pain... and while it might not help as much as he wants it to... it WILL let him DO something himself to lower the pain levels. I know it bothers him a lot, to be dependent on docs... and I know when he has too much time to think (he's had a lot of rain lately) the pain gets worse. I know he's up & down all night - and usually doesn't get a lot of sleep. None of that is healthy.
I'm open to any suggestions y'all might be able to come up with. I have looked into wild lettuce, a little, but I'm not seeing the kind of supporting data that might make this an option for him. I guess there's always the placebo effect. It does make a huge difference for him, when there's someone around him actively caring about him. So that's an indicator to me, that I might could find some useful ideas/tools on the neuro side of things. The other one, is to get him to finally understand that he's not 30 yrs old anymore... but that requires some more delicate "adjustment" of his ideas and attitudes. But he absolutely will NOT just sit still and be "disabled" for the remainder of his life. Hard-headed man. But that's one of the things I find attractive about him.
My lollygagging days are about at an end, now. I think we've broken the streak of super-hot days finally. It hung on a little last week. Lots of mowing & trimming to do. Hol's got another 2 weeks of work, then a week over Halloween to cover someone's vacation. I'm having to intermittently dogsit, since S has work he's going out to as well. I'll bring the pups up here end of the week to simplify things. It's time to push on to winter chores... and I should finally clean out the woodstove downstairs... LOLOLOLOL.
Didn't get very far on Christmas shopping yet; I do have a freezer coming for Hol this week.
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Poor B. I'm sorry to hear he's going through this (but happy to hear that in 30 days he might be on the mountain and can begin getting used to it). Transitions are so hard, and they get harder as we get older.
When my poet friend moved and nearly lost her mind for a bit from stress, I kept telling her over and over: this is normal, normal, normal. The psyche absolutely hates moving even for positive reasons. It wants what's familiar. It needs to GRIEVE what is being left behind even if the person is moving toward a happier future. The psyche gonna take-in-process-everything at its own pace and we have to trust it. So if you keep reminding B that despite all he deals with, the emotional reactions are normal normal normal and will subside...maybe that'll help.
As to his pain, actually ashwagandha might help him sleep. It subtly, but actually, calms the central nervous system.
I'm sure he knows about TENS units.
What about acupuncture? Is there a chance a highly experienced acupuncturist could help him?
I wish I had more to suggest. Definitely one of his new appointments needs to be the best pain specialist in the area. I was stunned by what a difference they made when I had back pain so bad for years that I was on opioids and it just never let up.
hugs and hope,
Hops
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So, the last appointment has been (tentatively) made. Now waiting on gov approvals. Sigh. At least his anxiety has abated somewhat.
I guess I'm seing how easily triggered he is, over the usual bureaucratic stuff that drives the rest of us nutz - but isn't unusual or that big a deal in the general scheme of things - to US. For him, he's been ignored, abandoned, and pushed to the side so many times... it's no wonder it's triggering his worst fears. He doesn't want to be incapacitated; and is in a bit of denial about the physical state of his body. He's so used to pain, and yet has stayed strong enough to "carry on" doing, that he endures what he shouldn't push himself into because "it has to get done". Sigh. Stopping him, requires me distracting him usually. I'm not always successful.
Some of this stress is because he has created a timeline in his head that he is trying to hold to -- for moving here. Anything that slows that down or makes it more complicated is NOT in his agenda. And he isn't able to adjust/adapt that easily. It's the old "way things should be" vs "the way things are" discrepency, I think - along with some emotional attachment to ideas that aren't that relevant anymore in his life. I get the issues with feeling like your own body is betraying you. It's a real bitch admitting your getting old.
I've put myself into a large cocoon of cottonwool since Hol's been working. I rather like it - but I'm not getting much done. And the weather is working against me too, with several days of rain in a row. Temps are finally suitable for the work I need to do - and it's too wet. So I'm mostly just trying to keep my brain from turning to mush. I think I let myself get run down & tired... and with the seasonal adjustment hitting too... I'm kinda "checked out" from a lot of stuff. Having a hard time even doing the little Christmas shopping I thought I'd better get a jump on what with shipping delays being what they are.
Just... moving slow, not doing a whole lot... and enjoying not being hot everywhere. LOLOL.
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Your brain will be turning to mush when I become a superheroine, Amber.
Seriously. Do you ever sit back and take note of the massive (both mental and physical) energy output you've been emitting nonstop ever since Mike died and you moved to the mountain?
You know about nature. You live in it and love it. But sometimes, imn-ho, you are bemused why you are reacting like an exhausted animal. Exhausted animals hit the wall and accept they must slow down. Nature sometimes moves SLOWLY, in healthy cycle.
Don't beware all the work ahead because you basically love doing it. But maybe do beware your capacity to blunt or bull through your own exhaustion because... well because, why?
You deserve an adaptable pace with ZERO self criticism. No doom implied. Just...let yourself have the natural cycles you respect and care about in everything else. It's okay!
hugs
Hops
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What is that bright light overhead? There is no wet stuff falling from fuzzy gray clouds... My streams are running and giggling, softly - like kids sharing a secret at a slumber party. Everything is sparkly from the past days of rain.
Dang it; it'll completely ruin my turn toward winter gloom & cocooning....!!!!!!! LOL, the forecast is for that kind of "perfect fall weather" people try to put on postcards - do they still make postcards?
I'm dogsitting the next couple days again. And Hol will be home tomorrow evening for a long weekend. The metal shop is moving on, apace. And I haven't quite shifted gears yet, into taking advantage of the weather (give me a day).
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Not a lot going on to write home about. Which is, I guess, about the most positive "report" one could expect these days, right? LOLOLOL. I've always craved long stretches of what most people consider "boredom" because that's what fuels my creativity.
Hol unexpectedly had this week's work schedule cancelled; seems covid-related but there hasn't been a lot of official word yet. So, we're gonna catch up on the landscaping chores. She's concerned I'm just too passive and not physically active enough. More on that in a bit. Ronnie was by; it's already bow season here and I had no idea.
The new bookkeeper is going to require a little hand-holding & training. But that's OK. To be expected... I got very used to Sandy's way of doing things (she trained ME) so now I kinda need that to continue. Business picked up a little this year and it's off the "crisis of the week" list now.
I think I might need to get a second woodsplitter. My equipment seems to be migrating to the Hut and it's a production to hitch things up, drag them where I want them, when I just get a wild hair to go do some kind of work. (It happens, even if Hol doesn't notice it.)
B's shop is coming along; we're waiting on siding, soffit & gutters, windows & doors. Then we'll need to work on wiring the interior once B figures out his layout for equipment, workbenches, etc. He's been feeling mostly OK; I'm pretty sure that he shouldn't be doing all this heavy work anymore... not on a regular basis anyway... but I might as well try to reason with the rocks. He's got all his appointments taken care of finally, rental lined up, and will be here awhile again. And I think it's time we have the "serious" talks. All the practical considerations of him being here; the organization of same; what he's expecting... what I'm expecting... and how we can "make it so".
This time around of being separated, I haven't had the energy or inspiration to do more than just rest, settle, and kinda deal with the reality of what is here. Right around me. I'm not exactly writing much; not doing much of anything really - not even cooking yet. And it feels like the right thing to me. Hol isn't liking it much and is kinda trying to figure it out but there's nothing to figure out. It's a seasonal thing for me. The heat is no longer an excuse for being lazy; I've been enjoying the transition so far. Soaking up the cooler sun. Not even thinking about how close the time is getting till B is here and not leaving again. (Resisting letting myself get excited.)
His medical issues are part & parcel of his everyday experience. Managing pain is going to be a big part of that. The jury is still out on the new docs and so I'm still looking for alternatives out in the herbal space. Doesn't seem to be a whole lot in the category of "painkillers" that doesn't have some legal issues around it. My searches so far, into mind-body and neuro stuff isn't going anywhere "durable enough"... but I'll keep digging.
Well, I've been pinged by Hol - who is probably cleaning up her breakfast dishes and ready to rock & roll today. I'm not sure I'm ready to tackle the work outside in my robe, jammies & slippers..... LOLOLOL. The old reasons I needed to guard my "morning space" no longer exist and this habit no longer serves a useful purpose. It's not well-aligned with life out here, especially as the days get shorter.
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Amber:
You're very attuned to B and his health so I likely am saying this without any need for concern.
When B finally lands, he won't have had the little break from doing doing doing you've had.
He's been paddling hard and long....trying to get to you....get doc's and possessions sorted and the house ready for sale....closing chapters. Opening new ones.
He might not ever slow down. He might never decompress. I'm curious if he knows how or is willing to learn, for his health's sake.
When I read...."I think it's time we have the 'serious' talks..." my stomach did a backflip, all on it's own. Surprised me. Possibly all about me and my stuff....nothing to do with you and B.
Likely, in fact.
I'm glad your plans and projects are ticking along. I vote yes to a second wood splitter if everyone splits a lot of wood.
Lighter
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20 days till Buck returns...
Lighter, because he's spent his whole life in the military and has been deployed on short notice for multiple jobs in various locations or extended amounts of time it's dawned on me that he's absolutely used to separations and long-distance relationships. And he is absolutely dependent on staying busy to help his brain problem-solve instead of feel pain. Until he can't go anymore, THEN he slows down. Like all of us, he's found what works for him in trying to cope and regain some control over his body again. (Docs said he'd never walk - :rolleyes:)
He is both stronger & more fit than most men his age -- and more at the mercy of his compounded injuries -- at the same time. While mostly being the happiest weirdo I've ever met. Yeah, like the rest of us - things make him angry, or hurt him. And he doesn't make any excuses for his emotions - they're just there; and like the rest of him - what you see is what you get. And he manages his emotions very well. I really like that about him. No mind games, no over-thinking, up front, direct - and blunt is just fine with me. (He doesn't think he's very good with words; that's bullshit. He's fine with words.) Some people are sensitive to that way of being - feel it's dominating - but it isn't. He's not made any demands of me; and the requests are few and far between too. Cookies - he needs cookies. And meatloaf. :D OH, and lots of gravy.
I just haven't had the get up & go energy, this separation, that I had previously. So many of the things he's dealing with, struggling with, would be non-existent or easier if he was here. But, for someone who's been alone for 20 years, that's a huge change... no matter how tempting it looks, he and I both have enough experience to worry over the types of things we've experienced in the past. And with my "winter mentality" setting in early - my retreat into cerebral stuff - I'm sure that looks (on the outside) like passivity, but it's honestly not. I am dealing with a lot of stuff that I'm managing about ME, in my head and emotions.... and I'm just not overly fussy about the doing side of things right now. I want to FINISH what's already been started; I'm not ready to add new stuff. I think Hol is about the same wavelength too. Even if she's constantly telling me what she thinks I should be doing -- instead of what I'm doing. ;)
One of my online friends, very suddenly lost her husband to a massive heart attack last week. He was studying for a medical degree and was an author in Norse history/archeology/etc. Her needs are being met, for the moment, where she lives. So, no worries there - but a lot of us are sad for her. Deb is coming out for another weekend Friday. Her birthday is this weekend, and I've been wanting a reason to make this decadent butter & brown sugar cream cake. She's been working hard at losing weight lately - the recent stress she went through jumpstarted the process a lot - but there's no reason not to celebrate a little. She hasn't been drinking alcohol, so I made an herbal simple syrup that we mix with a little fruit juice and seltzer water for her. She's been sounding better. Laughing more. And her plan of waiting till spring to try to buy a place makes sense. Her base requirements are a tad unusual, so it's going to take awhile.
So, while to Hol, it looks like I'm "not doing anything" - I have lots going on. I don't need to jump into the middle of "doing" to do it either - sometimes it's just connecting with someone, or guiding, or teaching/researching and turning them loose to succeed/fail as they do. I have no desire to beat myself up physically working 12-14 hr days.
That said, there are some things I want to accomplish before Buck gets here this time. So a short list is in order. I cooked yesterday for the rest of the week. And I need to finish those jeans.... :D
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Your idea of hibernation is mine of full-tilt boogies, Amber!
Gotta dash but this popped up:
Why not make an amazing angel-food cake with a straight raspberrry (or anyberry) drizzle for Deb?
I'm projecting. When I'm really trying and beginning to feel a little control (re. eating right) and I allow myself one "decadent" binge before I'm ready...it can start what I'd call a sugar slide (or carb catastrophe).
I'm glad she's coming and things are going so clearly and calmly with you re. B!
hugs
Hops
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Well I'm glad he's on his way, Skep, even though it does all sound like the medical stuff is still a pain in the a. I wish they could get all of that sorted out smoothly so he just didn't have to keep jumping through the same hoops over and over again. Maddening stuff. I'm glad he's properly on his way, though :)
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Thanks Tupp. This time it's harder not to totally miss him....
I've been in a state of suspended animation, it feels like. Still doing things; but sleep walking through it. I'm like holding my breath till he's sitting next to me again. It's the feeling that I was working hard on avoiding previous times we've been separated. I think because this was just a couple months separation, I figured I didn't have to discipline myself, set some ground rules... because it wouldn't be that long and momentum would prop me up through it.
Oopsie. I was definitely wrong. I finally cracked last night & called him. Just to hear his voice. His kitty had a tough "cat dignity" evening - and it was funny in a totally pure way. Mr. Stinker on the other hand, has been velcro cat. Totally attached to me and super lovey.
It hasn't helped a lot that Hol's been home unexpectedly. IATSE did vote to strike; so last-ditch negotiations are still going on. Her production shut down unexpectedly this week, due to a vague Covid excuse. She's in the mid-life re-examining everything phase... wants to know why I'm not in the same phase as she is... and not accepting that I've already done that work; changed what I could change... and now just want to be left alone to live my life anyway I see fit. Bettering humanity and myself sounds like too big a project to me. I got enough to work through, right here. And none of it is interesting enough (even to me) to talk about and make a "deal" about it.
I think I'm firmly ensconced in my old "in the world and not of it" mentality again. And it's cozy right now. Doing what I can and have to do... want to do. Not going out of my way to stick my nose into things I can only say "ain't it awful" about... and not feeling called to participate in teaching anyone anything about anything. It's the inner child, crossing her arms, sticking out her tongue, saying "NO", "I don't wanna". It's someone else's turn.
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I don't think it's your inner child that's resisting being goaded by Hol into taking on more intensity or activism than you feel capable of right now. I think it's your inner adult saying No, that's all. Not only do you have a right to live your life now as you see fit, but at our age, imo, we have an obligation to ourselves to measure ourselves by our own rulers, so to speak. Not theirs. It really is a generational blame game and I won't play it any more either.
The world is under intense duress and everyone's looking for someone to blame. In families, it's often frustrated adult children who blame parents for all of it or unconsciously want their own parents to fix it. Boomers' fault? Boomers gotta fix. It's a huge oversimplification and she's be better off joining campaigns against soulless, conscienceless corporations or political destroyers rather than Mom, imo.
hugs
Hops
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Thanks Hops; that's very spot-on.
Yeah, I thought maybe being shop steward on that last production would lead her in a new direction. She absolutely NEEDS a cause or a project - but isn't taking on any new stray people. She drew a solid boundary with 3 who were inordinately dependent on her... and gave back very little. She is taking her energy into her studio; putting it to work for herself, I think. She isn't sure HOW to do that, but I think she'll figure it out. One of her real friends, wise to the world and knows her well, said she should get into politics. LOLOLOLOL. That's currently a no-go for her too. Politics would have to change completely from what they are now.
But, whatever - all that is up to her to figure out and "not my job". She's gotten a wild hair to drive to B'more today to pick up all the stuff she left, in anticipation of going to work this week. I'm dogsitting... and have to run out for a few supplies for the weekend. Deb's running away out here again. It'll be good to have adult company.
The B thing has been bugging me - the way I felt (just now resurfacing from being submerged in it). It's like part of me was missing and while I was going through the motions of doing things, I just wasn't "there"; in hibernation or something. Some of it has to do with the boundary work, that Hol and I are doing together (and much as I complain about her, we are doing pretty good that way).
But it could just be fall, too. The quiet, subtle energy & light shifts... before the full on crazy-creativity push hits again. Dunno; it feels kinda different than that. But I'll figure it out. Gotta bake a pound cake... so I need to make the run for "supplies" soon.
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Maybe CB; but not for this production. They've shot the special effects called for in the script already - so her work on it is effectively done. She's pretty sure she's looking for something else to do for money - probably more than one thing, but it'll all be at home without the commute/having to find a place to stay.
I'm still trying to include her on all the business stuff too - with an eye toward stepping down at some point in the future. Or at least BACK, from being the go-to "answer man" all the time.
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6 Days till Buck returns.
I have gone all quiet, still, and empty for these two months. Nothing to say. Just letting the days pass. That energy is starting to lift now, and I'm shifting back into something more active. I'm not depressed; not totally a slug either. Still doing things but not at a frenetic pace. Some of this is just the winter "hermiting" mode descending... it was a useful safe place to heal my loss of Mike. So I think I let myself get attached to that idea as something I needed. And the reason why that was such a good thing. AT THE TIME.
It is no longer a good thing - not that I have anything pressing that needs to be done - apart from the garden and getting Buck here instead of still moving in, as he can. I think I kinda made his presence a condition upon which I based my energy for change and activity. Then used it as an excuse to just shutdown for a bit. It allows the deeper emotions to come up, with that much silence and stillness. And let them go.
Yeah, we're really doing this. Yeah, I really do want to do this - despite all the things I know he deals with. I deal with my set o' crap too. I fixed his jeans, but they are so pathetic I think I'm going to buy him a new pair. Yeah, I know - favorite pants & shirts - I kept a set of sweats past the point of them being fabric anymore. ;)
Been thinkin' alot about getting back into sewing right now. Don't know what yet. But I am making myself moccasins.
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I hear peace, patience, preparation and presence from you, Amber.
I hear the stillness, lovely silence, drawing-in for the cold season.
So changed by the one for your heart, who'll weather this winter with you. And share the quiet heartbeats, unrushed talk, music you each enjoy sharing with each other.
I know the mountain must be showing the season. All things in nature obeying the calls that signal them.
It sounds as though you're doing something very like. So glad for you, friend.
hugs
Hops
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Excitement energy has returned. :D
5 days to B.
Whatever the last 2 months were - I needed it. Seasonal adaptation, not wanting to let him go back, just a "time-out" to just enjoy being ME, in whatever mode I was.... what I didn't need, was having to explain myself to Hol. She insists she just wants to deepen & improve our relationship.... sigh.
But I DID my therapy already; I don't need to rehash it again - and especially with her. I don't think it serves any useful purpose for her. I've managed so far, to stand up my boundaries about it. Present her with a couple things to chew on that are true for me. And to get her to go focus on HER ISSUES; let me be. I don't understand the need to overshare so much about myself, from various systems, philosophies, or "truths" that I end up not knowing who the hell I am again.
It's not a hostile situation between us. She's a little frustrated because she's not accepting that my answers are valid. She's looking for something deeper, more solid, or maybe her own in that. I'm just living my life, doing what and as much as I want... and I don't have to explain myself to her. Jeez.
She's flailing a bit with the not working. But she has a commission for the holidays to start work on. Cutting out patterns today while the last bits of construction get completed on Hut & garage today & tomorrow. She's helping prep for a friend's birthday party this weekend in the city, so that gets her gone the day B arrives. S is working, but should be home to pick up the dog before B gets here. (There is some typical male ego crap going on between those two and Hol and I have decided THEY can work it out among themselves.) S & I have been interacting just fine as we needed to while Hol was working, so I'm not worried about it. And I've already set boundaries with B.
Got some warmer fall weather coming in and I think Hol & I are gonna tackle yard duties again. The house is pretty well squared away; still have a few things on the to-do list. Then I think I'll get the little bit of Christmas shopping I'll do, done. And look for patterns - I've been looking at a lot of historical fashion lately. It's not something I would actually wear - but exploring it (for now; for me) to see what idea is percolating.
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B has been on the road 3 hrs already. I'm holding down the farm, until Steve gets home; Hol will be home Sunday - she's helping organize/manage a big 40th birthday for her friend M.
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I'm really glad he's on his way Skep :) I've got confused along the way, is this the big moving in visit or an interim one? Whichever it is, I hope you both have a lovely time.
Do you find Hol kind of knows/understands less about the kind of therapy issues/inner work/sorting oneself out stuff than you do? I'm just curious because I know what you meant when you said you'd done your therapy. I find now that if I have/need to talk to people about 'important' stuff I need them to be people that have kind of been there and done that, rather than those who are still working through it (that's if it's to talk about me and my stuff). I just wondered if that's the situation with you and Hol (and of course there are far more interesting and fun things to think about at the minute so you can ignore that question anyway ;) ). Lol. Have a lovely time (and I hope there are no more medical dramas to have to deal with!). xx
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This is still an interim visit, Tupp. There is going to be conversation about the final move while he's here. Main hold up right now, is getting the metal shop closed in. That's going to depend on availability of windows and doors. From what I'm seeing from people in healthcare, ALL situations are understaffed & stressed. So, there will be conversation about that too. Assuming the gov approves his appts - which we THOUGHT were approved, but weren't. :roll eyes till I can look out my arse: Dept of Labor has till Monday to call him, per their 3 days SOP to return calls.
Hol isn't that uneducated or inexperienced about her issues. But I do find myself reminding her of how far she's already come, a lot. I think there is some lingering self-esteem issues (which she's done remarkably well on, I think) and since she's pretty sure now she's peri-menopausal she's looking for higher level "female wisdom"....
which ya know what? I don't exactly think I have a handle on just yet. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. Maybe that's just denial.
:D
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So happy to know Buck's on his way today, Amber.
What a long, PATIENT trip it's been!
I too thought it was his final move, move-in, change address, all that.
You have been a rock. No, a tree. No, a mountain.
Glad you have the place to yourself today too.
Extra-glad Hol has stuff of her own to do and is clearly still employed and not forgotten in her industry. Whew to that.
I don't know why she won't stay out of your head until you specifically invite her to come in. IME, it's usually based on past times when one (me) got needy with a child that sets up their expectation they're in charge (or invited to evaluate) our inner growth like an equal. Yagh.
But boundaries can and have and will always be re-set or re-drawn as needed. Sounds like you're doing that much more consistently, too. Bravo.
Enjoy it all, my friend. Gorgeous day for B to arrive, too.
hugs
Hops
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Well, one thing and another, B & I ended up with Knuckles again last night. No biggie - I even tuned out his whining to be let in the bedroom (that just wasn't happening last night). He and B are catching a few extra zzzzzzzz's.
Today I think we'll graze all day on leftovers and binge watch GoT again. S'posed to be rainy next couple days. In between lots of talking. Monday is s'posed to be soggy too, and I think my fridge is too full, but one of these days, soon, I'm making a big batch of lasagna. Freezing 3/4 of it too. Hol is getting a quarter of it; she got the mowing & trimming pretty well done before she took off Friday. She should be done running to the city for awhile.
It's beyond good to have Buck here again. :D
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HAPPY DANCE!
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I'm so glad B's there with you, Amber!!!!
What an amazing October this is for you two! Enjoy the leaves changing, GOT, leftovers and relaxing into whatever you choose to do, or not do. If it rains, do another round if GoT fireside.....snuggled in bed. In PJs, maybe.
We're planning gf lasagna for Halloween
company. And hotdogs over the fire pit🎃
Lighter
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Domestic bliss indulgence time...
Hol brought back a lot of buns from her party. I'm drying them into stuffing cubes.... while boiling down sauce for lasagna; well - simmering at this point. Sun's out; it's not too chilly to work. And the chainsaw is cleaning up the wood from our antenna install clearing.
B needs to move around and work or he gets too stiff. Except for one night, he's slept real well. So far.
Friday is two MRIs; then Tues, the infectious disease consult. That's enough for me to think about - there's one more appt with pain & spine. I think we're gonna get a hotel up that way for Tuesday's appt; the construction on 81 is obnoxious and his appt puts us in rush hour traffic. Ugh!! so not my thing.
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I can smell that lasagna sauce bubbling, smell the crisp fall air, hear a semi-distant chainsaw happily roaring, see Mr. B moving steadily and gladly in the work. Just as you are.
Only imagining clouds, light on leaves, and peace when you take a break on the porch.
So so glad for you, Amber.
Very glad for B too, that he has appointments for help. All hopes and good vibes for that improvement in his support.
This is the real stuff of a shared life.
hugs
Hops
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Amber:
I feel relief med appointments have begun, finally, for B's continued health journey.
Good on'ya for embracing domestic bliss in this glorious fall weather! I hope you guys!
Lighter
One step at a time.
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Headed out today, for a short sight-seeing trip for B, before we check in at hotel for tomorrow's important appointment. Lots of local stuff on the way (if a bit of a detour) that are right up his interest alley. Only reason we're staying overnight up there, is because the highway is under construction - it's full of trucks - and it's a morning appt during rush hour traffic. I ain't white-knuckling that section while people are driving like maniacs.
His anxiety started kicking in yesterday; it's fueling mine too - and I'm trying to find some fun today for both of us. But the hotel was his idea. And it kicked in my imagination's devious plans for taking his mind off his fears.
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I don't know why I battled 5oclock Atlanta traffic all those months for weekly appointments,Amber.Well, I understand the necessity for the first few visits, but then I could have changed them and didn't.
It's an unecessary stress. I used my stress as an indicator to how well I was doing, I think. Like a weekly test. Driving into Atlanta went from trauma to pleasure, which was sea change for my nervous system...... and then I stepped away from the 5pm Friday drives.
So, are the touristy things anything to do with apple festivals and local produce OR are they to do with mechanical things, etc?
Lighter
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Amber, I love the idea of turning this necessary excursion into a much simpler trip. YES hotel. YES interesting detours. YES discovery.
Might be easier to enjoy the distractions after all the appts, but a few good diversions along the way should help too.
I'm sorry B. is feeling nervous about it; I share y'alls' revulsion for really busy interstate. I've often plotted trips to be up to an hour longer so I can take the beautiful byways. Interstates are for shippers, imo.
Hope it goes smoothly and B feels confidence in his new medical team.
HUGS,
Hops
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Thanks Hops. We did enjoy the day, the (to me) familiar roads from long ago and fun places to just be in. Lovely dinner & evening.
And the news upon arriving at the Drs. office that the visit wasn't approved wasn't well received. Still trying to digest that one. And decide how to proceed from here. Very obtuse path looking forward -- but trying anyway.
Debriefing our absence at the farm with Hol in a bit, so I'll write more later. I'm OK; he's angry, but still being rational & patient. We have one more appt, next week. IF it was also approved. I'm pretty much confused by the insurance situation he's dealing with - but trying to follow it right now. I KNOW we're missing a piece of information - but no idea what it might be right now.
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A yi YIIIII!
Did B. have his appointments or get turned away from them?
Chewing toenails with loud cud noises...
Hops
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He got the MRIs done last week. Yesterday's appt was with Infectious Disease doc up in my college stomping grounds - and when he got the call from next week's appt that "everything" was approved, he accepted that it included yesterday's too. But she's in a different hospital system; says not approved... so her "liability was too great" to see him, even on his private insurance. (Still trying to figure that out.) And she said with him liviing at such a distance she couldn't treat him at home - not licensed in that state. He is perfectly willing to stay here as long as it takes.
When we see the back doc next week, he'll hear about this and perhaps can refer him to a doc at his hospital instead of out of the system.
So, the infectious disease appt (and treatment) is the most important piece of the puzzle. Reason being, he already knows he'll need surgery again to implant a new pump. And the infection can't exist during surgery. SOP.
I'm thinking that getting him moved here simplifies things. I don't know that for a fact, it just seems like it would. We'll see what help the spine doc is next week.
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(cont'd)....
Emotionally, it seems I'm going through the rollercoaster again. Reminiscent of Mike's medical odyssey. I understand B's anger over this; the frustration; the knowledge that he's followed all the rules (insurance stuff) and some non-medical person state's away can approve or deny medical appointments - at their whim & discretion. It's why it feels like there's something we don't know - yet. Someone has clearly conditioned him to believe that his anger isn't an appropriate emotion... given how apologetic and contrite he is when he expresses it. He said & did nothing that was out of the range of normal yesterday.
When asked if there is anything that can be done to rectify the situation and be able to proceed... saying "I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do under the circumstances" isn't particularly helpful. I let him say his piece and donned my professional armor; winking at the nurse bearing the bad news and smiling and thanking her on our way out the door. It's not her decision or fault. And I was just as angry and upset as B; we both know that clearing the infection is necessary to get to the surgery required.
And left untreated, his health is deteriorating. Now it's stomach issues - he thinks due to infection in abdominal cavity putting pressure on his stomach. We're working around that with mini-meals and eating several extra times a day - and supplementing with Boost.
But unlike my first "rodeo" he continues to stay hopeful, working at problemsolving, cheerful, sweet & funny. Being physically active & mentally busy helps him manage pain levels - as long as he doesn't overdo it. We've been taking turns cooking. The shop is a little closer to being done too.
After Monday's appt, we'll start making plans -- or adjusting -- or whatever we need to do.
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B is so lucky that he's no longer going through this endless health and pain trial alone. Incredibly fortunate.
You are alive with having him to care for and understand. And lord knows you've taken on some tough ones.
I hope all of this bonds you both, maintains his autonomy and dignity, and comes to a beautiful balance of giving and receiving. He needs to independently make decisions but you are so good at research and processing information (which he must be exhausted by), I imagine you as an ideal partner for him in this chapter of his life.
Don't forget to just be you, Amber. Be you as more important than being in charge. Or even fixing it all. B may be only partly fixable (infection, damage, etc.). But you've already figured out how to love him.
That's the deepest pain relief there is. Continue wise boundaries and your separate self. Know that no matter what, his understandable frustration Is NEVER To Be Taken Out On You. (I know you know that, but in the depth of The Project, keep that boundary always....)
MUCH hope for you guys. Remember kindly: This is such a new scene for you. Take really good mindful care of yourself no matter what is happening with or to dear B.
Your first relationship is and always must be with yourself. (I know you know.)
hugs
Hops
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At this point..... it's simply heinous fockery, imo.
There are hoops B must jump through, fine.
But setting hidden, unknowable hoops, under the circumstances particularly, is hf.
B is a very special person to maintain his attitude and intestinal fortitude the way he does.
You're both due some human kindness and help from unexpected places, ime.
::Sending healing light and prayers::.
Lighter
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There have been some bright spots Lighter.
His T wrote him a prescription for a combo of antibiotics - which none of the pharmacies had available. He got a local large animal vet to fill it with horse antibiotics. Yeah. You heard that right. Then, there was walking through my college "town" (it's not really big enough to call it that - but whatever. We had a mid-afternoon knosh at my favorite bakery... and left, with my purse still hanging on the chair. I realized it half a block away and no one had even noticed. Then there was the lovely hotel employee who treated B with kid gloves and extra TLC. Hol has been on her own a lot with S working... and she's been sweet too.
Had chili ready for us, when we got back Tuesday.
Our fingers are still crossed that the back doc on Monday will have some brilliant solution. But, at this point - we just need to know where we stand so we can make plans from there - no matter what we find out.
Today, Hol is cleaning & decorating studio for when friend Deb gets here... and even my same-age old BFF from Jr. High is sending a commemoration of my birthday (which isn't till next week). It's party weekend. B and I are 65 now. I've known V for over 50 years; getting real close to 60. Birthday parties for me are rarer than hen's teeth. (I'm usually giving one.)
I *think* I found the source of his nausea & vomiting; I *think* it's correcting itself. It's only day two, but last night's chicken & dumplings (2 helpings) stayed put without anything more than his normal heartburn. We removed one drug, and I added a tad of ginger in the herbs in the chicken.
B's been working on fixing the damage to Helga - since Hol connected with a pine tree headed from studio to Hut in an ice storm last winter. He is doing what he knows and likes to do - so is happy. We're up to the last few episodes of season 8 in our 2 trip binge of Game of Thrones.
So not all bad here at all. Challenging sometimes - but I have skills, and experience. I'm perfectly OK with the situation as it is, even though IDEALLY I want the desired result. B is very smart, creative - and knows how the gov bureaucracy works, in his particular case. I bring fresh eyes, ideas & perspective to the situation... and methodical logic. Go figure. Neither of us expected to find love at our age. And all this time to getting him completely moved in, has demonstrated a lack of fickleness, dissembling, or any other red flags that give either of us pause. We can almost read each other's minds at this point... but neither assumes the other is accurate.
:D
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So, we're still moving forward. The military friendly NP has referred him to a local infectious disease specialist. Now waiting on appt from them, after they receive the paperwork.
Stopping one of the meds he was prescribed has resolved the worst of his stomach issues. Nausea & vomiting showed up under common side effects. And he has been sleeping MUCH better, more often.
I am starting to notice some patterns now. The kinds of negative, self-reinforcing feedback loops like I know we have some experience with. I am able to deflect those from spinning up & taking control of his expectations (and self-fulfilling prophecy pattern) - pretty easily. We work pretty well together that way. And I don't think he's overly attached to negativity. Getting him to admit fear, however, is going to take some more work on my part... so we can address things more logically. It's a definite issue with someone who's been alone so long - you don't have anyone else's point of view to temper your own. I see that in myself some too. Not going to be able to "fix him" - I just want to keep him from catastrophizing and making himself angry.
Overall, we're still having fun. Yesterday wasn't one of my best days - and by the time we were headed back home, I was whiny & crabby. But it never phased him. We both recognize the stubborn in each other. And we still had a good evening.
Gorgeous day today. And next week, he'll be gone again (leaves Tuesday). So while he's finishing up Helga's repairs, we should still have time to make some fun runs out & about. That means that there will likely be one more trip here for appts. before the last move. He has some stuff to take care of first. He thinks he has his house sold, so he needs to be more pain-free to finish up unloading his packrat nest. (I have been warned that he doesn't want to continue that way. Lightening his load is feeling pretty good to him.)
There are some things I'm going to need to create in the house for Buck-space & organization. Not that it'll help when he sets something down & forgets where. LOLOLOL. But I'm anti-clutter... and he tries. I just have to make it easier. :D
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I hope things keep moving in the right direction, Amber. One step at a time with the medical stuff.
Check your in box.
Lighter
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SIGH...
He just left. Still waiting on Infectious Disease appointment. We're hoping it's a short turnaround this time. I think we might've found part of the obstacles preventing this process from moving forward more quickly -- and have a plan to address that. Quickly.
He made me dinner last night. Love a man who cooks!
Depending on how much he & I can accomplish before Christmas, this MIGHT be the last trip back south, minus an extra run for his storage unit stock.
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Skep, I am keeping every limb I have crossed that the medical issues become easier to manage and that the final move day is sooner rather than later. I can only imagine how frustrating this has been for so long for Buck to deal with alone and how it must be such a tonic for him to have someone by his side. It can be a lonely path. I hope whatever that obstacle is clears away soon.
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Beside you on the porch, Amber, watching his truck head down the driveway....I can so imagine that sigh.
But medical update sounds hopeful to me. I add my hope-energy to the wave coming your and Buck's way. WHAT a relief it would be to get through the bottleneck together.
I hope upcoming Tgiving brings you joy even if he can't be there this time. Unless I misunderstood and this is a straight there, load his truck, straight back thing.
I heard happiness in that sigh, too. How good to have him to sigh over. I'm so glad.
hugs
Hops
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Turnaround depends on the next appt. They will test for infection; then either treat or clear him for surgery - to reinstall pain pump. The surgery means he needs to recover here and get it filled the first time. Get that whole process set up.
Then, he'll be able to do more faster on his end. I have a metal shop to close in - then he can move the big stuff. We need windows and doors. Small tools, work clothes etc stuff already here. It would take a miracle of things coming together just right for the next trip up to be the last -- but sometimes things work that way. It may require my assistance on his end.
We THINK the turnaround time will only be a couple, few weeks this time - but one never knows with healthcare offices these days.
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It's all coming together, Amber. How wonderful for you and B.
Lighter
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Thanks Lighter!
It's still a tough situation but there is a slow, warm happiness that comes over me when he's been here a couple weeks. And a determination to see this current medical "request" through to a complete conclusion without drama. With patience and dogged stubbornness. To get him as free as possible from all gov't control over his insurance and med choices - those damned pre-approvals.
No giddiness; no serious fantasizing - no wishing it were "different". Just enjoying being with him, the way it is. We laugh a lot. He teases me; I comment on how he needs one place to put all his man "stuff" so he doesn't lose it (which gives me a pretext for redecorating the main living area, don't you know). :D He cooks - and enjoys it - and does a good job. Does his own laundry - even tho I've told him, it's OK; I'm doing laundry too - I'll deal with it. The living together is EASY with him. We don't need "summits" to discuss how things are going to "work" - we just deal with one thing at a time together. He is comfortable with the way I drive; I'm trying to be with him - but that's always been an issue for me, I still freak out with Hol driving and she learned it from me.
There aren't any power struggles or ego-driven control spats. We both have our domains; our private time & solitude within being together. And rationally, it all seems too good to be true - but after the years we've been doing this, even at a distance - it's not that difficult. He and Hol are getting along pretty well. They have skills in common and he is always open to teaching a receptive and diligent student. She gravitates to his strong paternal instinct, which has matured and understands she's capable.
I just feel that in a lot of subtle ways - I'm "softening"; finally able to give up juggling all the various active participation in every aspect of everything that needs to be done here. And exploring the things I WANT to do, instead of HAVE to do... and that's a huge gift for me. He's filled my wood racks; fixed inumerable little problems with the various equipment here; connected with Ricky - my backhoe expert & benefactor - on hunting life around here and is fitting in pretty well. Lots of gratitude these days for "what is" and for not being in charge of making it so. Lots of healing going back & forth between him & I too - those old emotional wounds. He's even having a good influence on Hol without being obvious about it.
This separation isn't going to be like the last one; I'm not going to dive into a negative, passive, sad feedback loop about him not being here. It won't be long now, till he is - once and for all - and we're both more confident it will be OK for both of us.
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I'm so happy to read B and Hold are getting along.
I know you guys are doing your very best to get medicine ball rolling......I know you're capable and competent.
I believe it's a good thing you're building with B. Grabbing and enjoying it seems prudent.
::Nodding::.
Lighter
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Amber, that's such a warm, gorgeous, positive, sane and sound description of your budding/building relationship with B. It was just so satisfying to read.
It's mysterious how you two found each other and somehow had the patience to very slowly build a friendship that has ultimately changed your lives. And so very clearly, changed them for the better!
I'm just over the moon happy for you both. This is wonderful to follow.
hugs and hurry up, Buck--
Hops
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Not so mysterious a meeting Hops.
We'd been friendly online for a long time; like years. I'd already been supporting him through the medical stuff (along with the rest of a litte group) and when I was going through the worst in the early days after Mike - the nightowl would call me, or tell me to call him when he saw me online in the wee hours.
Then, both my jeeps had issues. He tried to talk me through using a code reader - to help him diagnose from a distance. Fumble fingers here, even had trouble with that. So HE decided that he'd find a way to come "rescue" the damsel in distress - which was our first face to face meeting. I'd already seen his D mature through high school, it had been so long.
Remember what Jamie looked like, after hiding out in a cave for awhile? How disreputably scary? That was my first glimpse of this guy -- with a big smile and twinkly eyes. And he got a huge bear hug when he first got out of the truck. It wasn't but 5-6 hours later, I literally threw myself at him - while maintaining clearly, repeatedly - no strings attached. (That didn't last long did it?)
But I was still having intense guilt whiplash over Mike (despite it having been years since he died) and needless to say - THAT impulsive action gave me weeks of stuff to confront myself about. And he only had a vague intuition about me that he wanted to check out in person. So it did take some time before commitment and decision developed. Meanwhile we started to learn each other's moods, ways of dealing with things, our daily rhythms.
And that went slow. Once bitten twice shy... and I was loathe to give up the new level of independence and freedom I'd claimed for myself. So I didn't crowd him... nag him... or play "needy" games. We indulged in shared dreaming & fantasies. That first separation was a whole year. I was researching military wife experiences - LOL. Those long separations are what he's been used to all his life. And both his ex's did him dirty while deployed. He was assessing me during that time too.
So, it may have looked fast (from the outside) that first day... but then we started to take our time. Neither one of us has scared the other off or turned out not to be what was advertised. Amazingly, I think he's the first guy in many many seasons, that I can say anything, in any way to and not be all twisted up about how he's going to take it. I don't have to craft a diplomatic essay calculated to get my point across without offending some "hidden" sensibility. He prefers it that I speak simply, plainly & directly.
He relaxes more around me in those ways too. The thing about maintaining independence within a relationship is kinda a side effect of everyone participating in maintaining boundaries. Respecting that we've developed our own ways of managing our emotions and that we've both found ways to cope with our own past experiences. I see his; he sees mine. I've learned a lot more about how his process works watching him firsthand deal with this medical stuff. I know when to leave him be; let him do what he knows... and when/how I can show him some other options. He really isn't as bad as he makes himself out to be sometimes. And I know that's a touchy subject with him... so I'm as gentle as can be about bringing some light to what he believes is his darkness. I know it's a hard thing, to learn that you CAN stand down... and what else you need to have, to be able to. Yeah, they're MY answers. But something LIKE that can work for him too.
So we're deep into the weeds with each other now. And it's still fine, fun, exciting and peaceful. We take care of each other. No, I don't need him here all the time. Yes, I miss him being here a LOT. And I am soooooooo glad I have an unlimited dataplan for my phone!!!!!! We're constantly talking to each other all day, most of the night. This would be a lot different without the ability to connect so much - albeit at a distance.
It COULD be possible for us to maintain a relationship this way, I think. It's certainly not traditional, in any definition. And "the plan" is still that he's moving here. One way or another. But I'm not gonna turn into a helpless, passive, needy blob because it's not happening next month, next week or tomorrow. I have some things rolling around in my head I'm thinking about pursuring for me. Now that the farm seems to have "just about" reached a good working plateau and everyone is adjusting and settling in... I can do that without feeling there are bigger fish to fry that "need" to be done first.
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Nothing much going on around here. Just about done with Christmas stuff - and not sure I feel like chaining myself to the kitchen this year. Hol's birthday is coming up just after - she said she wanted socks, specific ones of course. LOL.
Might get her a vacumn sealer. Maybe. She has a freezer now, so she could really pack it.
Anyway, still in standby mode on medical appt for Buck. Still waiting on contractor to finish shop. He's waiting on windows & doors to ship.
Thinking about some things I might do in the near future - depending on tax season, personal motivation, etc. There's some new energy starting to swirl around. It's different, that's for sure. It'll take some getting to know it time.
Looking at house & design stuff again, for one thing. The inflation factor is giving me pause.
Kitties are being kitties - Stinker has proclaimed himself big kitty now and spends nights outside sometimes. I still keep a kitty tent with cozy blankets on the porch for them. He is still lovey though and seeks out lap time cuddles.
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Just re-read your lovely post (two back) about your relationship with B -- how it began (I remembered) but especially the pace and how the good stuff has unfolded. You really have allowed the layers to grow in place and you've been so spacious around his differences and his needs, without losing track of your own.
Thank you for that account, it's a treasure of thoughtful approaches and reasons to feel peace and joy between you and on your own. Very inspiring for me to ponder.
If anybody's a needy blob it's been me lately, but I'm getting glimmers of my own progress. It's a messy, screechy process to hold, hold, hold while anxiety is simmering. But that's not why the Scot thing happened. I think that was just to teach me, test me, and help me see that letting go is good. Letting go when something doesn't work isn't failure, it's success.
I think your ability to both hold your own peace while holding his heart with care, is why you have this man in your world now. And if it's still what you want, I do hope Buck will make the full move soon.
Meanwhile, enjoy your happy holiday baking and planning...I can just sense the mountain new year beckoning to you with new projects and a new sense of what matters most -- however it reveals itself.
hugs
Hops
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I'm not baking much this year - just not interested. I'm waiting for the inspiration to strike, I guess. I still want to make some goodies for neighbors again - but I'm leaning more toward bread right now. It's going to be a "different" kind of Yule around here - altho B is supplying some exciting drama. There is an interesting, somewhat big, present being delivered here on Monday - which he said I might have to try to find some room for. Shipped out of Maine. So the guessing game is on...
Deb & her roommate bro are still recovering from Covid. She got the antibody infusion last week and it took a few days, but she's starting to feel human again. Between her & B, some days my phone is just constantly dinging at me with messages.
We appear to be doing better this year in sales at the company than last year; but it's still small progress and extremely fragile.
Kids are doing pretty good and starting to think about how much infrastructure plateau they now have under their feet and next phases. It comes & goes. But when I push her too hard to decide once & for all about her commitment... well, it's abundantly clear she has a different process than I do and I let it go.
Invites have gone out for solstice bonfire and gathering - depending on weather, people's health & schedules. But that's mostly Hol's "doins" unless B gets an appt with the infectious disease doc (new referral has fallen thru the cracks for a month). Then I might have my own fire. :D
Rip Van Winkle reflection days are back again. Until we get all our construction stuff done here, I'm not anticipating any new projects of the same sort - although I must get an estimate & schedule my house's roof replacement. Studio is looking rough too - but that's a contractor job because of the decks. So I have time to think real thoughts - not just respond, react, or do. To ponder & muse over all kinds of things.
Change and how it manifests - the many ways it manifests - seems to be a central theme. And it's occurred to me, that letting go old stuff - ideas, self-images, etc etc, along with physical "stuff" - is a functional mechanism within change. It can be a spontaneous, intuitive letting go... even can happen without noticing... or one can set an intention and pursue it. Maybe all things are possible - when it's time for those things.
But I don't have a lot to say about anything these days as even with the best of intentions and empathy - there is too much going on, too much "noise" for people to always hear it as it was meant - instead they hear what they've surrounded themselves with (by choice or not). And I can CHOOSE to be silent and conserve my energy. Doesn't mean it's something that needs to be fixed. ;) My chatty persona will undoubtedly return refreshed and just as irrepressibly smart-ass as previously... have no fear. I think it's perfectly good & natural that I have "seasons" of being right along with mother nature, too.
Wishing everyone fun & love & the simple joys of the season most sincerely!
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What are your top 3 guesses on the big B present, Amber?
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I'm not guessing. Hol's take is taxidermy or a motorcycle. I think they're both wrong. But I'm willing to wait for the reveal. He's not predictable.
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Maybe a useful piece of machinery?
A still?
A handmade smoker/grill for your outdoor kitchen?
You aren't guessing, but those are my top 3.
Lighter
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A butter sculpture?
:)
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Tracking shows pkg arrived at the Distro center 30 miles from me at 4:15 am this morning. :D
Hops, one of his hints was I could snuggle with it when I missed him.... so I think maybe NOT a butter sculpture (but one never knows with him).
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A massaging recliner!
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I hope it's Buck and he's packaged himself up! Lol xx
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Tupp: I suggested that - great minds think alike! :D But he said, naw....
However, the news this morning is that the Infectious Disease doc DID get the referral and will be contacting him shortly about an appt date... which means getting him back here sooner rather than later. Anyone know if there's such a thing as a sexy flannel nightgown????????
:o !!
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How many "Is it there yet?" texts am I gonna get today???!!!
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.
This is what everyday is like with this wild & crazy man. In between, there will be serious moments too - as we inch our way down the man's fastidiously thorough "timeline" of dates & accomplishments on his end. And those are getting ticked off too.
Finally got past my "soft ball stage" block with my range & candy this year. I had to make some cookies first. Still trying to accomplish the inspection of my vehicles - but my usual shop is out of stickers.
I need a blizzard or a vacation - whichever comes first! :D
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SO happy to hear Buck's going to get an infectious disease expert appointment!
Wow. Absolutely incredible...and incredibly overdue. Guy has deep patience. As do you.
All of my floofy Vermont Flannel nightgowns are as erotic as voluminous flannel billows can get. They are SO comfy I'll stay in one all day sometimes if I don't have to go anywhere. They're long and loose but trap body heat so I'm in my own cozy micro-climate (and can keep the furnace setting lower). Very very cozitudinous.
Hugs
Hops
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So the box arrived... in my mailbox. When I opened an end flap I was met with sensuous FUR.
As I extracted it from the box, I found a muzzle and 4 paws. And the wolf pelt hadn't been cut down the belly. And while y'all will probably have your definite opinions on the gift - it's PERFECT for me. I've wanted a wolf pelt for some time.
This one was poached; and the guy who receives & processes them sells the pelts to raise money to fight poaching. It was a young wolf. There is something really WRONG about "owning" a wolf pelt. But on the other hand, I still sense the spirit of it radiating... and will honor and protect that. I've looked and not bought one for years now because of that conflict.
But B is native American. And this is a traditional gift. And it means a bit more than that to me for more reasons. So not at ALL what anyone expected, but absolutely perfect for me. It means he KNOWS.
Now I'm just hoping the cats accept it - they're not sure. Neither was Knuckles.
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Glad you're happy with your gift, Amber. I'll bet B was thrilled to think of such a meaningful thing. Were both his parents native American, or is he like so many of us, a drop of this and a cup of that?
My last (physical) lover was native American as well, a midAtlantic tribe not that well known (and the name escapes me now). His father was an ironworker. They were legendary for bravery and high bridge building.
hugs
Hops
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Hmmm. Your guy sounds like a Mohawk. B is Catawba; SC/NC tribe... related to the Souix.
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Amber:
How satisfying it must be for B to select a gift for with such deep care and shared meaning. Where will the pelt live? Will you make something with it?
Lighter
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Not Sioux.
Might've been Chickasaw, but I'm not sure.
He did wear a mohawk at one point, ironically. LOL.
And rode a huge Harley. (My priorities were different 18 years ago!)
Grew weed in a fancy closet and thus was quite paranoid.
An ICU nurse who wrote novels -- fascinating, sensitive guy.
Life has been hard for him.
hugs
Hops
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Sigh... amazing snafus. So much for technology making things easier - the EASIEST would've been us taking the hard copy referral over to the Infectious Disease doc's office ourselves. But it's finally successful; appt is Jan 6. He'll be here on the 3rd again. For another 3 weeks.
I haven't seen the contractor in over a month. Hol & I were both promised gutters on her garage & my shop; a month ago. Haven't seen them. Said they were waiting on my order to come in. No word on shop doors or windows. No word, period... except he's wanted to show off Hol's house in order to get more jobs. :rolling eyes: I'm biting my tongue until January. Then I'm going to have to get an estimate on replacing my house roof.
Last night was interesting. I was reading the last Outlander book; it was after midnight and I kept hearing this odd noise outside... out back. I looked; no kitty wanting in - Freddy had knocked earlier. The second or third time I heard it, I turned a light on and happened to look up. And there was Stinker on the eave of the roof. In the chilly rain. And couldn't figure out how he was getting down. So, mama rescued him, by standing on the adirondack loveseat. In the dark, cold, rain. To be able to reach him and get him down gently. Of course he ran right inside - he HATES rain. Silly thing... Buck & I can't figure out how he got up there. Nothing overhangs the roof and I don't THINK he can jump from the deck railing to the porch roof; if he did - he came over the ridge of this quadrant of the house; in the rain. SIGH. Spiderman cat.
It appears that we have a quiet, slow, holiday this year. Which suits all of us FINE. Hol is involved making stuffed dragons for her friend's kids - and the first one is done. It's genius how she can combine fabrics & colors & patterns. We'll see if she can finish the 2nd one in a week. She wants to but it isn't necessary. She's also doing massive house reorganization. She made the mistake of collecting too much stuff - and she moved stuff here that hadn't seen the light of day in 10 years - before she moved in and found out how they'd use the space. So, that MIGHT keep her hands busy and mind free to think about what she's going to do for income from here on out. :raised eyebrow:
We'll be receiving a geodesic greenhouse kit to build in a couple months. That's going down by Hol's garage and will be a project for those two to put up. Mom's got other fish to fry. We've been talking about ways to leverage the birds into a paying proposition... I'm looking at a milk cow or goats. And herbs. But I'm gonna need a lot more topsoil for growing. And Buck to help manage any bigger animals. Because I've got things to do in the studio... once I get Hol busy enough to stay out of there. Her dragon was big enough she needed the space to spread out in the studio because her home studio is small; like 10x10ish.
There is enough stuff swirling outside me; around me - all happy productive stuff - that I'm just sneaking off into my own darkish, quiet cave and conserving my energy. Like some seeds, I need the cold dark to crack my shell open to send up shoots in the spring. ;)
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Aw I'm glad your pressie arrived and it is so lovely, Skep, although for a sec when you said 'paws and a muzzle' I thought he'd sent you a puppy through the post :) I'm glad he's got an appointment sorted out and not too far in the distance either - I've lost track a bit of where he's at with all of it but I'm assuming this next appointment is a good thing for him (hoping so, anyway). And there is nothing in the world sexier than a flannel nightgown :) Lol. Stinker getting stuck made me laugh, I used to be forever rescuing our cat from the porch roof and in one place we had, our neighbour's cat would climb their tree and then miaow to be let in my bedroom window before trotting down the stairs and letting himself out the cat flat :) Lol xx
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Thanks Tupp! Glad I can take your mind off what you're dealing with, a moment.
The infectious disease appt is get him clear of the infection the other hospital gave him, so that he can be a candidate for surgery again -- for another pain pump, filled with something less awful than the morphine his old ones used. After all these years, the docs have figured out other drugs work a lot better on the nerve pain than heavy opioids. I've been trying to find herbal "nervine" pain relievers, without a lot of success so far. The commonly mentioned options have a high risk of allergy reactions or side effects that would just complicate his situation too much.