Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on November 11, 2021, 10:15:28 AM
-
I'm struggling with anxiety as winter comes on and the dark and cold start setting in. It makes me miserable because rational thinking or clever tips/rituals don't fix it. When you can't breathe and have chest pain and wake up despairing it's hard to get on a roll with healthier feelings. I clutched and cried on the dog and she's right here.
I have reached out and have a friend visiting later. I'm even thinking of asking the doc for anti-anxiety meds (an SSRI, I figure). I so so so do NOT want to do that. But if winter nights and early mornings are going to feel like this...I will. I can't cope with mental torment too often. I've been working so hard at insight and feel like a failure when the old anxiety syndrome hits. I know that's not fair.
I can tell when it's coming because it's a combo of severe insomnia (3 hours' sleep) plus an overall sense of fear, physical coldness, heart palpitations, plus random jabs of pain in the chest. This has happened so many times over the years I'm less inclined to cardio-catastrophize. But I do know the fear of deep isolation bearing down has a lot to do with it this time. (I know the joys of voluntary solitude; this is past solitude, in my case. It's toxic. Panic attacks make me nearly unable to socialize but isolation feeds the fear -- it's a stubborn cycle once it starts up.)
Anyway, in the daylight with sunshine, I'm okay, at least temporarily. The panic, when it comes, comes at what the French call "The Hour Between Dog & Wolf" -- or twilight, when the light goes and dark comes. First bout with this was a couple days ago right after daylight savings time kicked in. Had a nap, woke up at 530pm and it was black outside. This time of year twilight feels like the slamming down of something hard, not like a gentle summer dusk. It has a lot to do with loneliness.
I know about hygge, all the cozy things. It's not for lack of imagination or info, it's a physical and emotional panic. Not fixed by cocoa and candles, unfortunately.
Weird, because in some ways I'm making improvements and hopeful plans. Got my house beaten into order better than usual before cleaner came and felt proud. Not decluttered or perfected, but I got rid of the chaos. Even showed my T around the improvement over Zoom.
I was also having panic symptoms Tuesday at dusk but forced myself to go to a poetry group anyway, which was a good distraction. The young leader talked incredibly fast and ripped from one participant to the next at a frantic pace. I think his group's just too big and though it's nice to be included I also think I'm adding to the problem. He probably should've said No, or started a waiting list.
And I need a news diet. Very hard to give up the habit of plugging in every day but the sheer volume of frightening or tragic news overloads my ability to stay emotionally well. Then again, I fill up "lonely time" by reading about everything.
I must do better and put new plans in place for coping. What I've been doing isn't adequate. My insomnia's so bad that I know there are health consequences.
Okay, vent vented. Thanks for listening, y'all.
hugs
Hops
-
((((((((((((((Hopsie))))))))))))))
I understand your reluctance with the SSRI's, I feel the same. They've put me on a low dose of Escitalopram now (not sure if that's how you spell it!) because I was struggling with side effects so much and I'm slowly starting to feel like I can function a bit more normally. With me, I have to say it quelled my anxiety in about fifteen minutes flat, I could really feel it working that fast. I have slept a lot, I find if I sit down at all I nod off, but c'est la vie and all that. I only say all that as it might be worth talking to your doc and just seeing if there's a low dose of something that would just take the edge off without knocking all sense and feeling out of you.
I am also the same with all the pep talks, self care advice, try this, try something else and so on. I think when you're in a minor, blast the blues away kind of funk that sort of stuff works, but when you have health problems (physical ones), much enforced solitude and worry due to Covid, longer term worries about being alone (however stoically and practically you're dealing with it, the worry is there in the background, I think) and getting over M, the Scot, the revelation about missing your dad - I know it all made sense but I do think it still shocks your system when you realise something like that - well, it all adds up and sometimes I think it creates a dip in the brain that does need a medical push to get you in a position where the self care actually does do some good again.
I am thinking of you. I've not been on the board much as I am struggling and I'm trying to just concentrate on meals, exercise and a bit of activity with son before conking out on the sofa. I think going in to this second Covid winter is harder for everyone, we're all more tired and a bit battle weary, in my opinion.
Hugs. I hope the doc can recommend something useful. It's good that you're doing all those practical things and getting out when you can. I imagine that will feel even more fulfilling if you can get that little lift over all the difficult things at the moment xx
-
Hey, Hops.
I just watched Fantastic Fungi on Netflix. It's an option you might find available to you. A friend micro doses regularly ( he can't even feel it) but with 1 monthly macro dose. His supplier is a lady in Texas who helps wounded vets with PTSD/Operator's Syndrome/depression. He said it's changed his life.
I'm thinking of you and pooch, Hops. I hate that you're in distress.
Lighter
-
It's the endless gray days that get me Hops. Only I don't have panic attacks - just curl up and hibernate.
I don't have any specific advice, but sometimes the only thing that works for me is to insist - using every devious method I can think of - that I go do ___________ whether I want to, feel like it or not. It works on my imaginationary fears & worry, it works on my "woe is me", and it works on my general cranky old lady stubbornness.
;)
-
I hear you, Tupp. I completely understand why you're doing the SSRI and I hope the low dose kicks in for you, so you can avoid the worst side effects. It's ironic to me that in the side effects lists for many SSRIs they'll list "sleep problems" or "insomnia" and ALSO "drowsiness," for the same drug. It's an individual crapshoot, but if I were feeling anxiety severely enough for a lot longer I would give an SSRI (or maybe an SSNI) another round anyway. Although they're called antidepressants they're often prescribed for anxiety, and can help either. I was just so pleased to be off everything some years back. Hoping I can keep it that way but I'll be realistic.
I did make an appt for a video talk with my doc in a week, so I'll talk it all over with him. I will likely be feeling a lot better by then, having adjusted to the light changes that affect me so strongly. Sometimes just having a unfilled prescription in my pocket if I need it eases the anxiety state, or gives me confidence to weather it.
Lighter, ironically, in this study of magic mushrooms (they're for treatment-resistant depression, not so much for anxiety, but it's pretty individual how one reacts, if my few college LSD adventures were any indication!) they compared it --favorably--head to head with Lexapro (Tupp's Rx). It's a pretty small study of 59 males, though etc. https://www.imperial.ac.uk/news/219413/magic-mushroom-compound-performs-well-antidepressant/
I don't think that route is right for me. Years ago when I still smoked weed now and then I had a huge anxiety reaction once and quit permanently on the spot. Though I've been going through some sadness and delayed grief, I'm not depressed. I feel the difference between true sorrow and that heavy gray blanket of depression.
My issue is anxiety, almost purely. Chronic insomnia is key to it also, so maybe if I find a safe (non-valerian) treatment that helps with that, I can avoid Rx. I was reading recently something that makes perfect sense that I'd never thought of before, dunno why....ADD can be a major contributor to serious insomnia. Brain just won't stop hopping.
Long story shorter, I'm hopeful. Tonight at dusk I intentionally put on a lovely and very distracting film (on Amazon Prime, The Electrical Life of Louis Wain, which I could tell from the trailer would take me to a really great place about love and beauty). Indeed it did. And I should confess I'm a major Cumberbitch. Sighhhh.
Amber, if my breathing is working I do think pushing through my resistance is a good idea. To that end I've had a thing posted in my kitchen pass through lately -- three words that struck me as a very helpful message to keep taking in: Do It Anyway. That's what I did the morning the cleaner came and it felt awesome. House is still looking quite nice. It's the habit of pausing and reminding my ADD-self to COMPLETE whatever small task or mess, so things get put away. It's that simple.
I've got an ocean of laundry to do tomorrow, both hampers are full, so we'll see.
Thanks much to all three of you for hearing my distress and writing. You've no idea how important this safe space is to me, and each of you. I'm better just from this!
grateful hugs,
Hops
-
Hops,
So sorry to hear of your struggle. Sounds like you know the pattern well.
I was 12 years clean and sober before I agreed to take an antidepressant. My first sponsor took massive doses, went off the deep end and got 53 ECT treatments, bucket loads of meds, gained 300 extra pounds and died at the age of 43. Anyway, I was convinced that was not me. I must say the Lexapro (Escitalopram) has very few side effects (compared to other SSRIs) and helped my anxiety too.
Keep writing us, stay open, ask for help and hang in there.
-
Thanks, Phyll. I appreciate this wisdom.
That is terribly tragic and also strange, what happened to your first sponsor.
Did he just misunderstand instructions or was it a suicide attempt? I can't imagine taking a fistful of an SSRI. Either way, what an awful cascade of disaster he went through. Horrible.
I can't imagine either the impact on a newbie, recovering, when her sponsor derailed that way. It's remarkable what you've been through and the strength you found to become sober and stay that way. Bravo.
I'm a little better though my lungs aren't back to normal yet. Got another wakeup call the other day when I took a two-block slow-old-lady walk with a neighbor and when I got back I was so exhausted my legs nearly gave out and I immediately collapsed into a nap.
Friends keep thinking I'm exaggerating when I talk about how deeply, severely deconditioned I am. Because I don't look overweight and emit happy energy whenever I see somebody, maybe they just don't realize how a healthy-LOOKING person could be in bad shape.
Anyway, I needed that to happen. Back to the Do It Anyway philosophy Amber was talking about. When anxiety's running, I have to remember to celebrate every small accomplishment. If I walk just ONE block today, that'll be better than not.
I can't go on another year letting my neuroses keep me sedentary.
hugs
Hops
-
Hops - look around pls for a tai chi class with a certified instructor. Don't let the long form discourage you! A good school teaches only 2-3 moves per week - and the movement is v e r y SLOW. There is accomodation for strength, balance, and physical limitations -- and you can STILL gain the stamina improvements by sticking with it long enough to learn the whole 103 position long form.
Seriously useful help - even if it doesn't seem like it - specifically for you to get your energy, stength & stamina back.
Most schools have a little social interaction too, and especially during the winter that can be helpful with those isolation issues.
-
Thanks, Amber. When I took tai ji the instructor was great. His bio: He was "a student of the Three Emperors style of martial arts taught by Wang Zhenhua, a former coach at Beijing University. The local program was initiated by Mr. Wang’s student, a resident recognized by the Chinese government as an expert in Chinese health practices. Lei Xilai, an instructor who came to the states from the Beijing area, taught advanced classes [here] and introduced new forms to the class. The current instructor has taught for 12 years and is a student of Lei and Alton."
Dunno if that means certified, but he knows his stuff. And he's very likeable. His day job is as a journalist.
That said, with my double slipped disks and general lack of coordination, it wasn't for me. Frustratingly, because I wanted to learn it and do well. The classes were also early in the morning, when I'm subhuman. So alas, that's a no go. Good idea though. My social focus will be more on writers and church stuff, I think. Maybe a date or two when the website coughs up somebody.
If I ever told this story, I once nearly knocked over a whole line of line dancers like dominos because I always went the wrong way. Familiar feeling. I'm not upset about it, though I do know that formal structured exercise always backfires for me. I just need to WALK and ride my RECUMBENT -- both of which I can solo if I fire myself up to get to it. Neither triggers the sciatica that yoga and Tai Ji did.
But THANK YOU for thinking about this, Amber. For something to reduce stress and confer better control of the body...that was a really really GOOD idea. I'm just mad at myself for not being a good candidate for it.
hugs
Hops
-
Hops - I hope you aren't beating yourself up for having slipped disks? I am not equipped for Yoga either, but I admire those who do. I took a Chi Kong class once years ago. I chuckle of the image you describe on knocking over other dancers like dominos!
My 1st sponsor was okay for the first 6 years of recovery, although I had outgrown her before then. It took her 5 years to kill her self with psychiatry. I was 12 years sober when she died. I knew there was trouble when her counselor called me and asked that I meet her at her house so she could pack a bag for an inpatient stay at the psychiatric hospital. She admitted to drinking Nyquil. She tried to blow me off so she could buy alcohol but I stuck to the agreement and accompanied her to the hospital. She was one of those natural beauties - looked like Ali McGraw. It was so sad.
The first SSRI I was on was called Serzone. I think they since took it off the market. It gave me horrible cotton mouth. While on chemotherapy I would get so dehydrated that the levels of serotonin got too concentrated in my system and I had some hallucinations. I saw trails and the bathroom light behind the louvered door in my hospital room appeared to pulsate. I also saw people's auras. Kind of freaked me out at the time and I wondered if the cancer spread to my brain.
All in all it was good I had the medication a couple months before getting diagnosed with breast cancer. I was better able to cope with that than I would have been otherwise.
Your description of the "two-block slow-old-lady walk" reminded me of those chemo days when all I could manage was a one block walk with my dog, Miss Jessie. She was okay with it though. I started calling her "Miss" Jessie when I started dating this man whose name was Jesse. :D
-
I understand Hops. That would be a bit challenging & counterproductive for someone like you.
So, a smaller class - and truly, my experience with it included a lot of people who zigged when they should've zagged, wobbled, and had diffficulty assuming various of the positions. Yes, that included me too. The point of a beginner at anything isn't that you'll master it in so many weeks - it's that you try because it feels good or is helping in ways that aren't even noticeable at the beginning.
It sounds like your instructor was an excellent source of the "art" - but didn't work with individuals with limitations or seeking specific outcomes. I trained alongside a woman with back injuries/surgeries similar to B's -- who is now teaching the main long form classes. Yeah, it took her years. Our teacher treated each student as different people with different goals and challenges and helped them find the path to gaining their goals - so that while we were learning the positions and refinements to our physical expression of them - we were also engaged in a lot of individual training on the aspect(s) we were seeking.
After the first year, I noticed my stamina had increased and I didn't struggle to get through a two-hour class anymore. I had learned how to manage my breathing through the physical movements. Muscles got a tad stronger so that I could hold a position long enough for the teacher to check/correct 20-30 students individually. It is the slow gradual improvement that is the value in this - NOT the ability to become a chorus girl and remember which way to turn every single time that is the goal here. It's the personal benefits from the learning; not how well you perform.
After 4 years, I decided to study for the ranking test. More classes per week, Sat classes for knowledge based instruction & discussion. My competitive streak woke up and I wasn't even repeating the order of the positions in my head anymore - my body knew what to do. And in the physical performance my brain completely skipped a whole section and I got way ahead of my testing partner. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. End of test. The look of shock & disappointment on my teacher's face was even worse than how I beat myself up in the moment. But we talked about it after, several times. I was having a most unusual mental experience that totally distracted me in the order of the positions that was worth not passing the ranking. I was practically speaking, not in my body, in the moment my body jumped ahead of the order.
Not exactly on my list of goals or expected outcomes from all the extra work - but I couldn't exactly call it a "failure" either.
I've worked with Chinese instructors - they tend to teach the whole class at once and not work with the individual for therapeutic goals. Cultural difference maybe? Dunno.
Anyway, I'm still convinced you would benefit if you could find a different kind of teacher and a smaller class group. It was the easiest, most enjoyable, and beneficial suggestion I could make for stamina and strength for you.
-
Sounds like you had an amazing experience with it, Amber. I'm glad you got to do that!
Instructor wasn't Chinese and is very well respected here. I've known several people who've studied with him for years.
I don't know if I'll try tai ji again but nothing's etched in stone. Right now I'm more focused on renewing walking strength. Simple walks are easier to approach for me so I'm making short "walk dates" with friends whenever I can.
hugs
Hops
-
My niece calms herself with UPLIFT Delta 8 CANDY she buys from a holistic store run by a woman who recovered from cancer. They're over the counter- legal, so no legal or Rx worries.
Niece said she cuts the gummies in quarters and experiences all the mellow with none of the paranoia of marijuana.....no brain fog, she can think clearly, but I'm sure it's an individual thing. Something to consider, perhaps.
Green packaging. The larger container is better buy. You might find them in a local smoke shop if interested.
Lighter
-
Thanks, Lighter. I could, but...as ever I research everything, and since I have both arrythmia and anxiety from time to time (both possible side effects of THC), unfortunately I don't think THC is for me.
I'm just one of those boring people who doesn't partake of things made by unregulated manufacturers. It limits my options but I've had some bad drug reactions in the past (remember, a huge panic attack was why I quit weed).
https://www.hempgrower.com/article/fda-cdc-issue-warnings-on-delta8-thc/ (https://www.hempgrower.com/article/fda-cdc-issue-warnings-on-delta8-thc/)
Thank you for trying to help and offering this idea anyway! THAT does wonders.
hugs
Hops
-
I'm doing better today, though night-time is still rough. I've been amazed at how the "old" levels of anxiety surged back this fall. Very unpleasant but I'm hanging in.
I'm seeing people as much as I can manage. Not sure my doctor is as focused as I need, so with sorrow (I like him a lot) I may be searching for a new GP. I think this time I may seek out a female, one who's not retiring soon. There's one doc at the big hospital who's both female, younger, and specializes in the geriatric population. I'm not quite there yet but think it'd be proactive to get into her practice.
This morning I went to look at a possible apartment we (church team) are trying to secure for our Afghan refugee family. It's sooo complicated, since we won't know until nearly the last minute about the breakdown (family numbers, etc.). The landlord was an ass but buttering him up did help. And the place would be PERFECT. I hope we get it. It felt good to focus on them and get my head out of my own arse.
I'm home again, warm morning with pooch, and sunshine coming in. Yesterday I met a lovely immigrant family (Mexico) who are searching for work and he's going to do some yard stuff. His English is minimal but he brings his bright 9 y/o son. It may be foolish but year over year I feel hopeful about the veggie beds. He's going to rebuild my compost bins and prepare the veggie areas: remove all dead plants, layer on the black gold, then cover it with these cool strips of biodegradable layers of brown paper the grocery delivery folks use to keep cold things cold. I think it'll break down like newsprint but better.
It would be wonderful for my health (mental and physical) this spring if I could garden again. Just work on toning all winter so when it comes time to get up and down over and over and weed and such, I'll be able. Right now, I just can't.
My biggest mental and physical health issue is motivation and will. That's therapy stuff and I think I'm making progress there in tiny increments.
I've been flailing but one thing I do notice is that focusing on someone besides myself is key. Had a long Zoom with poet friend yesterday and worked so hard to wake her out of a kind of torpor she's in. She wants to just float along and sniff the breezes and be poetic, and meanwhile her partner is nasty to her, in failing health, and his felon son just appeared and stayed there for two days. It freaks me out to see her be so passive -- wound up giving her an intense pep talk that she said really helped. But I dunno. Maybe I'm so codependent I just can't see that the reciprocal support I need isn't quite there with her.
Anyhow, mental health wise, I'm not giving up. I've been shocked at the level of fear and anxiety symptoms that appeared again. Something's going on with me that I don't have well defined but I do think there are paths I haven't tried. Even Rx if I HAVE to, but I'm pretty stubborn about that. Life without those side effects has been soooo much better for a couple decades.
I think I know what I need (walk walk walk) but don't know how to unhook the cowardice cycle. When I am short of breath it short-circuits everything else, especially when I'm out on a walk alone. That's a lot better today though. So I'm going to do it even if it's one block!
I almost found a walk buddy but she'd doing it indoors in a busy gym and with covid rising again, I'm not going there. Needs to be big-girl pants, walk anyway with pooch, and stop being such a ninny.
Thanks for listening to this unfocused ramble.
hugs
Hops
-
Hops:
It's good you recognize the things you need to limit or end....like getting winded. Maybe you can walk in spurts, rest, walk so you don't get winded OR switch to movement.....stretches and whatever else you think will build you stronger.
You're very resourceful, ((Hops.)) I hope energy to resolve the excersise piece finds you soon.
Lighter
-
Thank you, (((((Lighter))))).
Your encouragement is always kind with a boost. (Resourceful.)
You know, that helps a LOT.
hugs
Hops
-
Happy Thanksgiving, Hops. What are you and Pooch doing today?
We're resting after dropping my sis off for a 4am flight check in. It's very quiet in my house.
Lighter
-
Best answer, Lighter, is to post the image and message I sent friends this morning!
(http://)
I am thankful for this dreaming dog, this beam of sun, and you, my friends. Happy Thanksgiving.
To my frustration, I still can't figure out how to upload an image here, so not sure it'll come through:
It's another "morning photo" of Pooch dozing on my bed in sunlight. Yet this time, she's in defined visible beams of sun, curled up snugly and something about the photo is beautiful. I think it's the sunbeams, clear and in focus. Well, plus Her Magnificence, of course.
Anyway, HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I'm going next door this evening to eat all my neighbor's veggies. Very content to spend the day on my own. Will walk Pooch before I go over, and she'll get some turkey on my return. Good day.
Hope everyone has a happy day today. It's my favorite holiday, only about gratitude, not stuff.
A multitude of small delights constitutes happiness. -- Charles Beaudelaire (hangs over my stove)
hugs
Hops
-
Well, December won this time. I have not been doing well this month. Most years, quiet avoidance helps me numb out/distract myself so I don't spiral into daughter-grief, etc. And that's not the main issue, actually. I don't yearn for her any more. It's generally feeling way too alone and in my case, that triggers anxiety.
Long story a LOT shorter, I get triggered by well-intentioned questions or efforts to pull me into celebratory, holiday-based activity even when I know (and SAY) that it's not the right approach for me. I am sensitive to pitying looks or behaviors. (People offering to come over who normally don't, for example). Can't stand that but also don't want to be alone.
Anyway, it all peaked in a panic attack that woke me up at 2:30 with chest pain and tachycardia. My insomnia is out of control (ALL night long a couple times/week) and yet, more meds aren't the answer. Instead I read (Cleveland Clinic, this time) an excellent summary of the symptom differences between panic attack and heart attack. This was a panic attack. While I SLEPT. But the article helped me calm down.
From experience, I know that any time you admit chest pain, responding health folks tell you to go to the hospital. Been there, done that.
But I found something new to me: inositol for panic attacks. So I've ordered a big can of the powder and am starting that tonight. I COULD go back on SSRIs but want to try this first.
Wish me luck! A non-harmful supplement that does what a small amount of research suggests it could do, would be a miracle for me.
hugs
Hops
-
After an evening not as uncomfortable as colonoscopy prep but requiring just as many miles back and forth...I DID sleep well! I am elated.
Tonight I'll take either the correct, normal dose (duh) or somewhat less, and try it again. Once I've figured out the right amount, if it keeps helping the sleep, this would be a miracle for me.
Praying my agnostic brains out. I think severe, severe insomnia has been reaching a dangerous point for me. I can't live that way for years. One year of multiple all-nighters has been too much.
This is a hopeful turn! SSRIs, and their side effects, just aren't my solution, I hope.
hugs
Hops
-
Hi, ((Hops))
::looking up inositol::.
My youngest dd used to take that for sugar cravings....many years ago. I had no idea it was used for so many things.
Sorry your tummy was upset, but over the moon for your good night's sleep. This sounds promising.
I'm wondering if taking it with food would help...you might have.
Are you doing any writing, Hops?
Lighter
-
It suggested for sleep to drink the full dose an hour or two before bed.
So that's what I'm doing.
Some writing.
hugs
Hops
-
I just looked up inositol too. It sounds like it will help several things I struggle with. I sure hope you get relief from insomnia and panic attacks. Good for you for seeking alternative remedies
My Mother used to get what she called "the jitters." What she described sounded an awful lot like a panic attack. They discovered, quite by accident that she had a rare tumor on her adrenal gland called a pheochromocytoma. Had she ever sought treatment for her jitters who knows what psychotropic medication they would have prescribed. I often think of this when people bring up panic attacks. I am not suggesting this could apply to your symptoms - just remembering and thought you might find it interesting.
-
Never heard of it. Wow, Phyll -- your poor mother.
My panic attacks were ferocious in 20s and slowwwwwly calmed mostly in my 30s. It's disappointing that similar symptoms have revisited now, but I guess the truth is that this chapter of my life is as scary as my 20s were. Minus the adventure. I don't have the dramatic symptoms like gasping etc, but when in that state I often have chest pain, racing heart and shortness of breath. All of which feed scary thinking. I'm getting better at calmer thoughts and slow self-soothing, so that helps.
Sipping away at the inositol right now. Cheers! I hope you're well, Phyll and that W isn't adding to your own stresses too unbearably these days.
hugs
Hops
-
Wow, P. Your mom's tumor was REALLY rare--fewer than 20,000 US cases per year:
A hormone-secreting tumor that can occur in the adrenal glands.
Pheochromocytomas usually develop in the small glands on top of the kidneys (adrenal glands). They most commonly affect people between the ages of 20 and 50, but can occur at any age.
Because of hormones secreted, symptoms include high blood pressure, sweating, rapid heartbeat, and headache.
Surgery to remove the tumor is usually required.
Very rare
Hope she had successful surgery...and relief.
Hops
I'll get pale and sweaty and weak, sometimes with chest pain and often with SOB during peak anxiety but not HBP or headache. Who knows how precise anything is for me, medically. That's the annoying thing about language: it's not EITHER physical or mental health... it's physical AND mental and it's hard to know what direction to turn to first sometimes. Chicken or egg stuff.
I'm dreading it but having a stress test (cardiac) next month that should either reassure or clarify. Fingers crossed.
-
She survived the surgery - barely. She was 72 at the time. Very tricky surgery and the surgeon nicked the spleen. When she came out of a second surgery in which the spleen also had to be removed, the nurse was anxious to inform my mother that they removed her spleen. My Mom was still pretty out of it, but I will never forget her response. It still makes me chuckle. Mom said, "They removed my spleen?! Is nothing sacred?"
-
Brave and wittty, also.
Great Mom moment.
-
How are you doing, Hops? I hope you and pooch are listening to music you live and dancing in the house.
Bet you're snowed in. I know we are.
Lighter
-
Quiet snowy day and the power stayed on! Whew.
Cozy, calm, grateful, at peace.
Zoomed with a friend.
Worked on Afghan refugee family updates. (They have a home, the church furnished it completely, mentors got them on the internet so they could talk to family in Kabul, took them food shopping, set up budget, showed them translation apps --they speak Dari-- and got them to ESL classes. They've hooked up with the local mosque and even hosted some friends --from quarantine on the base I think-- whose power went out. Their younger son (16) has a serious seizure disorder and falls often so we got them extra area rugs and are relieved the rental house is close enough to the Med Ctr. Poor kid; I can't imagine. The older son speaks English and will probably be the first to find work. I can't imagine the trauma they've been through and their healing road will be a long one. But I'm happy to be involved as one of the planners, doing all the communications (updates to congregation, appeals for some new need identified, etc). Hope somebody came up with a pressure cooker.
Two hundred Afghan refugee families wound up here and most of them are still stuck in hotel rooms since affordable housing is so hard to find. Ours is lucky but I think it's probably because of younger son's health that they got in earlier.
I've been pretty relaxed (still love the inositol, miraculous!)..
hugs
Hops
-
That's an amazing update, Hops. You're helping that family on so many levels of need. What an amazing act of care..... I'm smiling ear to ear just thinking about it.
I bet getting proper sleep is a balm, top to bottom. That's huge!
Lighter
-
Thanks, Lighter.
Something that's really connecting for me is that getting my mind off myself with refugee family work is an obvious antidepressant and makes me mentally healthier. We saw the Kabul airport scenes and Taliban viciousness. The kinds of terror and loss these people (so many children) went through to escape are overwhelming. And they all have had to leave loved ones behind they may never see again. Whatever I'm complaining about gets into perspective pronto when I think of them.
The inositol hasn't directly fixed my insomnia, but what it HAS changed is anxiety. That is so physical for me that noticing its absence is overt. I do sleep a bit earlier but unfortunately still need ambien to drop off. I've added melissa (lemon balm) at bedtime, and the nights I remember to also do chamomile, it's better. But that 2 mg ambien I'm still dependent on for sleep, so I've got a ways to go.
All that said, it's a lot better to be awake a long time but in a relaxed state than to be chewing my own paws off in panic.
Here's to worrying less!
hugs
Hops
-
On the other hand....LOL....
I sometimes feel a bit as though I'm losing my mind.
Not too dramatically, but as though my mind is changing.
Less resilient than I need it to be.
I'm making nearly zero headway with the home paralysis.
This made the thought pop up the other day: Maybe I'm "unhelpable."
A disagreement with one of the poets in my mini group has come to a head.
My first response is to believe I should drop out. Even though it's two, my psyche registers it as "a group of women" which is always scary to me (except here).
My reaction to the idea of moving on from this mini group is to feel threatened, existentially, by the idea of the loss of a social connection, however small.
So I want to work it through and will talk to my T about it today.
Here's the kicker -- we (myself and the poet I'm uncomfortable with) discovered a while back that we both see the same T.
I'm already worried about whether I'm making the kind of progress with this T that I want to. Not her fault, but I'm just unsure. Our communication styles couldn't be more different, and her slowness defeats me at times. I'm sure my anxious free association and rapidity defeats her too.
So now if I'm honest, I'm feeling that here are TWO situations where I can't get my needs met or feel I can open up all the way. And yet one of the biggest things testing me in my life, is isolation.
I'm hoping I'm wrong. Will find out shortly.
hugs
Hops
-
Good T session.
Everything (always) goes back to the inner child. She deserves love, compassion and protection. As my present adult self, I can do that, protect her-me while also being calm, assertive as need arises, and trust myself.
Intention (better word than "plan" which sets up more guilt): start journaling about this process again.
hugs
Hops
-
On the other hand....LOL.... Always another hand, ((Hops.))
I sometimes feel a bit as though I'm losing my mind. Well, that's not just you, I'm sure.
Not too dramatically, but as though my mind is changing.
Less resilient than I need it to be. Than you need it to be. If I'm honest, I that belief might be creating more discomfort and anxiety than relaxing into what IS...... would be, IME. Not sure, just
I'm making nearly zero headway with the home paralysis.
This made the thought pop up the other day: Maybe I'm "unhelpable."
The belief.... of being unhelpable.... takes up A LOT of emotional energy and real estate, Hops. Maybe just relax into accepting you won't DO whatever it is you believe you SHOULD be doing and see what's there. Just.... calm and patient and curious.... ask. I think we repeat patterns while inching our way forward. I've seen this edge for myself and for you before. What will you do to change the pattern up? Are you doing what you've always done? Do you usually assume your're at fault, not good enough, broken beyond repair? IS that a belief you want to pop up and take up real estate? Ever?
You've been active with the refugees and the poet group..... wonderful and I hope you hold that alongside the spat and the dissapointment around expectations for yourself..... the home paralysis. Just accept it IS what it is and drop all judgment for a while.
A disagreement with one of the poets in my mini group has come to a head. Remember, it's usually our stuff rubbing up against other people's stuff when this happens. Not that you don't have a reason to throw fists there, but....... if you think about it being "stuf" and not personal or about each other...... does it take the emotional charge out of it?
My first response is to believe I should drop out. Even though it's two, my psyche registers it as "a group of women" which is always scary to me (except here). Stick around or leave the group. Maybe look at it as practice for whatever comes up around it. Getting curious and dropping judgment helps me SEE more and react less. Whatever you're feeling is real and you're certainly a caring person who should honor her feelings. I just want you to get past any reactivity and be as responsive, to yourself and the situatuation, as you can be. That's where the growth is, IME.
My reaction to the idea of moving on from this mini group is to feel threatened, existentially, by the idea of the loss of a social connection, however small. I share your feelings around the threat of losing social connection..... I notice it when I see it now. I can step back and look at it without feeling I'll be snuffed out and lost without it...... we all need some connection,. but there are times when our survival depend on it. That's not the case now, so...... if that connection goes away..... what then?
You have more room for other connetions you'll enjoy more. THAT's a truth, along with putting down whatever is rubbing up against your stuff....... which might not be a bad thing.... it might end up beign a really helpful thing. I guess you'll discern and make tat decision for yourself, Hops. Whatever you do, it's OK.
So I want to work it through and will talk to my T about it today.
Here's the kicker -- we (myself and the poet I'm uncomfortable with) discovered a while back that we both see the same T.
I'm already worried about whether I'm making the kind of progress with this T that I want to. Not her fault, but I'm just unsure. Our communication styles couldn't be more different, and her slowness defeats me at times. I'm sure my anxious free association and rapidity defeats her too.
SOmetimes a T serves their purpose and it's time to move on.... find someone else...... that might be the case with this T. I can see how putting down the T, the poet group and feeling paralyzed in the house all at once might not feel optimal, for surely it doesn't. I'm just saying...... if you have to find reasons to justify staying in T or a group, when your gut keeps signaling it's time to make a change..... maybe it's time to make a change. I guess change can come in many forms, but it feels like ending those two things is on the block. Just remember..... it makes room for what comes next. There are other things on your horizon and you have the power to discern.
So now if I'm honest, I'm feeling that here are TWO situations where I can't get my needs met or feel I can open up all the way. And yet one of the biggest things testing me in my life, is isolation.
I'm hoping I'm wrong. Will find out shortly.
I bet you're journaling through this and I hope you are. I with to avoid sounding preachy, but want to share lessons helping me get my nose off pebbles. When I read you want more resilience...... it makes me thing you're judging yourself, forgetting to be compassionate with yourself....... maybe your nose is stuck to a pebble which absolutely limits resilience and creative problem solving abilities, which leads to a cycle of being stuck in old patterns, IME. The only way to break patterns is to NOTICE them while resting in awareness without judgment, IME. Changing them is about feeling worthy and competent and you're certainly both those things.
So.....
Acceptance of what IS without fear of what could happen or might happen or BE.
Getting very curious, avoiding ANY judgments and extending buckets of self compassion will help get your nose off those pebbles, Hops. That gets you to noticing what's really there so you can discern going forward.
Your brain can work through your COWs more efficiently if it's not worry worry worrying about social connection and your T....and what that means to you (judging it)..... living in the future is terrifying for everyone, I think.
If all you have to do is be present in this moment, understand the other poet is doing her best and what she can with her trauma, keeping her nose on whatever pebble it's on...... blocking responsiveness....... creating reactivity..... reducing choice...... notice your reactivity, own it....be so very kind to it...... let it belong and share it's lesson with you so you can SEE beyond it...... get your nose off your pebble and see the entire field..... and know you have choices without judging yourself back onto the pebble of fearing loss of social connection.
I mean..... social connection is a need we all have BUT it shouldn't base the poet decision on the fear. Rather, base it on what you get out of that connection, weigh the pros and cons and maybe the cons are opportunity, rather than reason to end the connection?
Heck, maybe the cons far outweigh the good and once you drop the fear you'll SEE very clearly..... it's just not working for your anymore and you've grown beyond it....what's upsetting you is your inability to accept you've grown beyond it and your inability to pretend is what you see as lack of resilience? You know I'm spit balling here, as someone who likes and knows quite a bit about you.... as a friend...... maybe you're trying to make something work that just isn't working any longer.
Now, fearing you lack the resilience to get through loss of that connection AND the loss of the T is scary, should you see those connections no longer serve.
Getting shut down by fear is likely a pattern for you. For most of us.... it's human. We're wired that way. What we know has kept us alive. What's unknown might kills us so...... we tend to keep patterns in place, even if we're actively working on identifying and changing the patterns every chance we get......the reactivity muddles things. Brings up fear which gets reptile brain back in charge and that's a pattern knocking folks off track...... over and over again on a healing journey.
I guess I'm saying...... I'm curious whats really there, for YOU, Hops...... without the fear and old reactivity...... does this group build you up and give you energy? DOES this T provide enough insight and opportunity for growth to continue seeing her?
Just THOSE two questions, without assuming endings are proof you're broken and beyond repair.
WIthout assuming you're survival is threatened.
Without letting fear lead...... just dropping all jugment over and over, b it's going to come up, but drop it...... touch it and let it know it's OKfor it to rest ....... you HAVE this. You're OK, no matter what the answers are, but you need to know and it's OK to rest in gentle awareness so you can ponder the truth and SEE it for yourself.
You're safe. You can do this.
Lighter hugs
Hops
-
REALLY helpful, Lighter.
Helpful, perceptive and compassionate.
Thank you.
You repeat over and over (thankfully) -- drop the judgement.
I think that's sinking in.
My time with T today was good and brought much of what you're
saying into focus. Different approach to it but the same message.
Haven't been journaling about it yet (just came up this afternoon)
but think I will. Simple, short but...right there. Pick up the little book
(you'd like the hand-made paper) and a sentence or two. Reminding myself
that's part of my purpose. To check in on little me-her, with gentleness.
I think amid brutal weather and brutal politics and brutal pandemic,
I've forgotten to check in on little me-her.
When I get my nose off the pebbles I see her smiling.
Here's the topic I'm leading tomorrow night (we all suggest topics from our own experiences, so that'll be pretty obvious!):
Our topic is: The Right to Be Wrong.
Most people have places within themselves that come from hurt.
We'd be mighty unusual if we didn't. This topic is a chance to look at
some of those areas of the self we often don't think about, or live
with automatically--sometimes in ways that block our capacity for
joy and compassion.
What if we had the right to be wrong? And be happy anyway?
When we lose track of permission to be joyful, there could be many roots.
Examples: early religious training, a particular parent's way of criticizing,
a key relationship error, school experiences, or other experiences of loss,
shock or failure that might have affected our sense of permission to be
all that we are -- fully human.
Questions to Ponder
1) What's an example of an instance when I recognized my right to be wrong?
Share a story you're comfortable sharing. What difference did that recognition make?
2) What if everyone had the right to be wrong? Barring destruction or violence,
what else might result in society if this right was part of our awareness?
I do love the Covenant Group. And listening to each woman's responses, where they go. It's awesome.
hugs
Hops
-
I love the idea of having the right to be wrong, Hops!
What if.... there was more curiosity about what people think and WHY they think it? WOuldn't it be amazing for people to experience that Pug head tilt moment when they come up against a belief they didn't realize they held.... or didn't realize held them? To find they're questioning it too.....through explaining to compassionate questioners eager to understand, but comfortable with not understanding.
In the end, our trauma limits our capacity to be open and understand, IME. It's really difficult to turn a bright bulb onto the pain and discern what's still useful, for surely it was useful at a point. It's not easy to be gentle with ourselves and others in order to gain the distance providing perspective and restored choice.
How exciting for you! Here's wishing for the best darned Covenant meeting ever; )
Lighter
P.S. I do think wer'e talking about the same thing, but in different ways, yup yup yup. My T is excellent at stopping, when she meet resistence, and finding a different approach to help me identify my reactivity and use it.
-
I REALLY like "that pug head-tilt moment."
Could chew on that for ages! Perfect image.
hugs
Hops
-
So, how did it go, Hops?
-
Great, thanks.
It's a running joke that my topics can be convoluted (over-written) but after a bit of confusion or moaning, they invariably engage and respond openly and honestly. Some REALLY liked it, a few bravely managed. All really give it a go, which touches me.
Just like life. We always end liking each other and bonding even more.
hugs
Hops
-
That sounds so solid and dialed in, Hops. I'm glad you persevered and remained authentic in the group.
Lighter
-
Thanks.
I'm always authentic there...it's 99% of the time a very safe space for me.
I persevere because I've been leading it --or other versions-- for years. (I introduced rotating leadership for our sessions several years ago as I was burning out. It helps!)
I'll be especially happy when spring comes and I can host it in my home (or out on my patio, covid depending) again.
hugs
Hops
-
The Afghan refugee project (a drive for sewing machines, for the modest clothing they can't find here that will work for them) has been pretty amazing.
After my post on a neighborhood (city wide) website that described what they're dealing with...mainly the women, crammed into hotel rooms with multiple children and not enough clothes to wear....and that their top need was sewing machines (many of the men sew their own garments too)...we've had an amazing response we can barely keep up with.
People have left us 20 machines so far --with more committed-- on the porch of our congregation-owned house beside the church, plus bags of fabrics and notions. Some are donating cash or gift cards for fabric or Amazon, so our mentor-volunteers can sit with them and show them how to choose bolts of fabric online. We've even heard from people out of town (guess that's how positive social media works). The offers keep coming in every day--I put up my original post a week ago. The local TV station sent a reporter and the main coordinator of our project got interviewed. It seems to have injected goodwill and excitement among a lot of generous people here.
VERY good for mental health. I keep writing weekly updates and feel a little as though I'm on a runaway horse but it's worth it! Nice to participate in good news amid all the bad I read every day. It's contagious, the desire to help, and I've found it very moving.
hugs
Hops
-
Sounds like a very worthwhile cause Hops. Helping others never fails to draw me away from my own troubles, real or imagined. :) My husband ordered a sewing machine for me a couple years ago - I was surprised to find they were relatively inexpensive (for the limited skill set I possess).
-
45+ sewing machines so far, and more offers still arrive. Amazing.
Their needs are massive, as is their trauma. Most were at Kabul airport where even if they'd managed to grab a few family photos, most belongings got lost in the chaos. Most of these families arrive with literally nothing, or a very few things in trash bags. And many small children.
In the middle of a nationwide affordable housing shortage.
Hops
-
How are the refugees doing, Hops? How is the housing solution going?
Lighter
-
Our particular sponsored family has to move out by end of June as rent's being hiked. The families in hotels are at the mercy of whatever the nonprofit can scrabble to find, still waiting (for months).
There truly is a massive affordable housing shortage, and the government subsidy for these refugees doesn't cover the gap.
It's a hard situation that won't get much easier soon.
But I'm glad they can now make clothes.
hugs
Hops
-
I've been struggling lately with mental health (worse since the war began). The magical inositol was hugely effective against anxiety symptoms and I was thrilled. But...I began to notice really significant cognitive lapses and memory problems. Not just normal "oops, we all forget stuff" but really striking disorientation and confusion. Pouring white wine in my tea instead of soymilk (understandable, similar bottles side by side). A few days later, shook up a bottle of kefir without the top on, sprayed it everywhere. I set things down and it's an arduous whole-house scan to find them again, as I have zero memory of where I put them down moments before. Scary shit.
I wake up zombified some mornings and feel weird in my head (which triggers stroke fears). I have SOB and chest pain periodically, more in the evenings. Cardiac stress test (chemically induced as he doesn't want me on the treadmill) coming up June 2nd. After that, I figure either:
--they'll find nothing cardiac (so the options I know of are anxiety, esophageal damage from GERD or remotely--since I never wheeze--unusual asthma).
--they'll find some blockage or other, which hopefully could be fixed (STENT or surgery), after which I'd be able to exercise again w/o fear.
I'm grateful to the cardiologist for listening to me (reading my message). I told him: I completely accept this could be aggravated anxiety symptoms, or GERD, or perhaps a lung condition, or something cardiac. But I'm exhausted from not knowing and have developed a phobic fear of exercise, especially alone. Embarrassing but true.
So once I have that test I will KNOW MORE. That's what helps most. Just getting to the reality of what I'm dealing with, symptom wise.
But the cognitive stuff, striking confusion, generally knowing my brain wasn't working right...I finally asked myself, is this due to the big dose of inositol? I cut it by 75% overnight and notice the brain is working better. Don't know why it happened but it does seem the best explanation, as it was the biggest change.
Studies often use huge doses to investigate new substances -- for inositol vs panic, the dose was 18g/day. I took 12g for weeks. Now I'm taking about 2. I'll cut it out entirely if brain fog doesn't go entirely (apart from NORMAL aging effects).
Hasn't been fun. Emotionally/mentally, I've been in rocky shape lately. Dysfunction at home bigger than usual, and I rarely go anywhere.
Socially, despite having people I love, there's still the pattern of FB and texting having taken over. So the phone doesn't ring. Conversations don't happen. The loneliness has become a way of life. So....reaching to Pooch and to crows for some sense of connection. Sad.
Anyway, I am trying to reach out more. I just hate being the ever-initiator. But now's not the time to worry about that.
Re-entry after two years of isolation is proving a big challenge, I'm sure for everyone. I remain the strictest among my friends about risk taking. Omicron is still here, though going down. People right and left still get it and for older folks, it's still dangerous. Booster shots wear off after 4 months so vaccination isn't a gold ticket. I will feel better after Booster #2 once they release it. (Pfizer).
This too will pass and I can get better. Just needed to vent about it. Wish so wish SO wish I had a daily companion. A little 5-minute vent a day, plus a have-your-back human and an occasional hug, would set my world to rights.
Thanks for listening, Amazons.
hugs
Hops
PS -- POSITIVES: Sun is out today, after another cold/snow snap. Tonight I do a new poetry group (online of course) which could be good. I Zoomed with my poet friend yesterday. Can't get excited about going back to church but it's open again, when I'm ready. Pooch is funny, sweet and fills my heart. I fear her aging too. Afghan family's doing better; father got his license and a member donated a car!
-
Hi, ((Hops:))
I want to gently remind you about pebbles and noses and collective fear and sadness during times of war and illness sweeping the earth. You've been through so much in recent years and you won't have answers from the tests till June or July. That seems like a long time to no have ansers esp if you're worried about having a stroke. Not knowing what's creating the brain fog and inability to sleep and forgetfulness would be upsetting for anyone experiencing it and you're human, so it's OK... go ahead and have it.
I wonder how you're dealing with it.... if it comes and goes or are you IN IT without relief for extended periods? Do you recover and get slammed with it again or is it chronic and rarely gives you a break? Going back to some basics for getting your nose off the pebbles and I know you have those answers, but sometimes the fear and fog hide them, IME. My T reminds me, brings me back, guides me to do remember and practice the things I know bring relief, bc I can't always remember on my own, esp when I'm in fight or flight. THINKING just makes it worse and you're a thinker.
Perhaps moving the tests up might be possible so you have some answers sooner than later?
Lighter
-
Thanks, Lighter, for these kind reminders.
My nose has been so anxious it's got pebbles stuck up it.
The test won't be moved up -- was already moved later for omicron.
Wish it could but I also dread it. You go in a big donut machine that contains a lot of cameras, then they inject the drugs that make your heart think you're exercising and jack it up in speed just as they would on a treadmill. I guess it's safer, dunno. I think a radioactive isotope is injected too but I'm not certain.
Regarding:
...if it comes and goes? -- that happens
...or are you IN IT without relief for extended periods? -- that happens too
Do you recover and get slammed with it again? -- this happens
or is it chronic and rarely gives you a break? -- lately, it's more chronic
When I do have my face in the rocks tools and tricks don't feel available to me, even if they're across the room. I grow very very still, like a rabbit in shrubbery. Only doing that seems to let my breathing slow and the panic sensations recede.
I will do better tomorrow as I'm seeing my T. Tomorrow evening (I had it down for tonight, incorrectly) is the new poetry group. Forgot that my dear poet friend will be in it too, thanks to Zoom.
And I have a friend coming by Saturday for a bit. I need to do and plan more but when I feel this...weak...it's difficult to set things up. Although I can do that on condition it's a very flexible plan and we should confirm on the day. That would allow me to cancel with grace if I need to.
Thanks for caring, Lighter.
hugs
Hops
-
Hops, I'm sorry you're stuck in this. I get the interminable waits for tests & appts. is SOP now, unless you go to the ER - and you will likely wait there too.
It's warm & sunny today! Get out in the fresh air and soak it up! Throw a toy for pooch, sip some tea and feel the sun on your skin. It sounds like you need to upgrade your way of perceiving "being your body". Tweak it a bit. Without altering chemical balances with any supplements. Simplest way to GET in your body is to simply stand. Think of it as a sun salutation? Align your shoulders & back & hips... loosen your shoulders & neck & arms... feel down to your feet (and especially barefoot) feel the slow steady grounding earth energy soak in from the bottoms of your feet. Imagine a string at the very top of your head. And breath comfortably, feeling the fresh air nourish the cells in your body... the sunlight kissing your skin... and the earth energy holding you gently but securely.
The lonliness has been an issue for some time, hasn't it? I recall you mentioning a fear of being alone in old age a lot. Maybe you could feel less fear, if you got one of those med call buttons? I think there are bracelets and necklaces you could wear. And I think they can even be localized now - and possibly alert designated friends? Crazy, dumb things happen to all of us sometimes... and should it happen when we're alone and left the phone where we can't reach it... yeah, it can be scary. It could be your "If all else fails... " summon Superman button. ;)
I can wish all I want that you didn't have this fear and could find the joy in being alone, and make peace with how you live in your space. Find your way to providing your own sense of security in the situation. But only YOU can do that. And you CAN try some things that might practically speaking, help. They might not too. It's not a failure on your part or weakness - you just are exploring and discovering what is the right solution FOR YOU.
I get the impact of aging, too, on so many things about how we feel and perceive ourselves. My "guy in charge" turns 70 this month and I'm not THAT far behind him. If I were still alone here, I'm pretty sure I'd be looking at everything very differently. But I just don't FEEL that old and have been blessed with pretty good health. Yep, my stairs to get in/out of the house & studio, the hills between everything... all this has been my gym. Most days, I conquer them like a 40 yr old. Some days.... it seems more like Kilimanjaro. But I'm letting go the tendency to beat myself up mentally, because I AM older now. And have come to appreciate a slower pace in my life. (AND trust me!! Even THAT acceptance can be turned into a "problem" by my over-active brain. I have to watch myself like a hawk, or I'll regress into the old ruts I worked so hard to escape in T. This is why I consider myself "high maintenance" - but I'm also worth it. The benefits of doing that work are worth it.)
All this means, that I'm experiencing a lot of change right now. Younger people getting involved - Hol here, new people at the business; Buck and his indomitable one foot in front of the other... I kinda think that all the change around me (as I figure out what my old age might look like) kinda rubs off on me. It's good juju - even if it just exists in my landscape and isn't something I can claim; yet. But it's headed that way.
-
Sounds really horrible Hopsie, I'm sorry you've got all this to deal with on top of everything else. I completely get the wanting to have someone at your side - not dependency, have to be glued together day and night but just knowing someone (with a healthy attachment!) is part of your life and can help with whatever might be helpful at the time. I don't know how your health system works there, do you have to contact individual docs yourself to arrange appointments or do you see a general doc who advises what to do?
I hope things start to settle/ease a bit soon xx
-
How did T appointment go, Hop?
-
Thanks y'all, I'm SO grateful for your voices.
I'm okay. Going to let your responses rest and settle overnight
and chime in again tomorrow.
(A little drained after the poetry thing, which went well.)
big hugs,
Hops
-
I love that grounding meditation, Amber. It is good advice, thanks. And you're right that loneliness is a lifelong issue, with the most acute two periods being childhood and recent years. In terms of vulnerability to isolation, those early and these later years are the chapters when it has had the most impact. So...more planning, reaching out, connecting and joining are as important for me to do as medical followups.
Thanks, Tupp, for literally understanding the feeling so well. I do think technology can help some in a practical way (the alert button, for example), but for me the problem is emotional and spiritual, not practical (or at least not yet). When I read an article yesterday about an AI companion for isolated elderly I wrote a friend that I'd rather sign up for Dignitas. Only partially tongue in cheek.
I'm doing fine managing my own medical appointments and the issue of having to wait a while for a non-emergency test isn't worrying me. I'm not giving up, just vulnerable to high anxiety and distress at times. Last night was another all-night-insomnia session, so today I'm lying low (well, I do that every day these days).
If all may not be well I can count on all being whatever it is. Working on getting good with that. T session went well, Lighter. I think we're a bit better as a team.
Crows still come for lunch. Today Pooch and I will have an expedition for dog food, when she loves the smell smorgasbord of the pet store. Tonight is covenant group, also a good thing. I can generally be quite open there.
Hope y'all have some early spring joys today, small or large.
hugs
Hops
-
It's jelly bean season Hops!!!!!!!!!
I'm the famous bean hoarder this time of year. They are extremely hard to find any other time of year. So my cover story (if anyone cares to ask) is that I make lots of easter baskets.
:silly:
But since I can't find cadbury eggs..... :rolleyes: at self.
-
Hops:
I'm definitely stronger with my T guiding me through tough times, redirecting me back to calmer waters..... going over everything with a calm mind and my whole brain when I can't manage it myself and sometimes I just can't and that's OK too.
Like my T says.... when I can't reach my center... it's usually bc I'm resisting acceptance in some way.
Lighter
-
I'm tuning into my CoD traits a lot lately. It's cropping up mainly in how INTENSELY I react to Poet friend's toxic relationship. Here's the pattern (it's been helpful to figure it out):
She shares or describes some incredibly callous, mean, cruel, nasty, put-downs or even threats ("I want to leave") he emits. When she's hurt this way, it reverberates in me and I am just stricken. I react with powerful empathy but if this makes sense, too much. (Her inner narrative which she once said aloud: "I cannot be alone.")
Then...two days later I get a chirpy message saying again, for the umpteenth time,
"I've explained it to him. He sees it now. We're having a nice time now. He understands that now. Now he knows....etc". She has a kind of delusion (professor parents) that if she just INSTRUCTS him sufficiently about why what he's doing or thinking wrongly, he'll stop doing it. But from the outside, I see the pattern as a pernicious cycle that she (abused in toddlerhood and beaten by first spouse) repeats over and over and over. He always reverts to verbal cruelty, she always responds with lectures, there's a short honeymoon, and the moment he's frustrated or stressed, he does it again. She explains it again; he does it again. Repeat.
Then. I start to feel desperate to help her SEE. To free herself. To not commit the precious remaining years of her life entrapped with a mean, bullying, contemptuous man who's burned through three wives and I don't know how many other women. For a reason. So I try and try and try. And then it hits me:
What about MY pattern? What about ME is dysfunctional in being so intensely upset about her own choices for her own situation? Maybe what's stressing me about it is my desperation, more than her pattern? Why can't I insulate myself better against the suffering of someone I love? I'm not helping when I'm caught up in my own feelings about it. (I think I'm doing the same with Tupp sometimes.) More grist for the T.
So it's finally more clear that this is also about ME, not just others. How many times in my own life have I repeated the same old kinds of attractions and reactions that haven't freed me, strengthened me, or turned me in a healthier direction?
Got an abacus handy?
I'm owning it. Feel free to remind me.
hugs
Hops
-
I find myself working on responding instead of reacting all the time .. ...and accepting what is, now, Hops.
All the time....being kind to myself under stress, while relaxing, while supporting others....so very kind to me. It's a new language and takes consistent practice.
I notice I'm super sturdy and less reactive when I m tending to my own Business first... when my world is in balance.
Wouldn't it be nice if your poet friend left her bully and spent time healing with or nearby you? I think it might be.
Lighter
-
responding instead of reacting
Yes yes, Lighter! Exactly the goal.
Interesting thing you posit -- I'm don't hink it'd be good for me at all to have her right by me, because I think she brings things to her struggle with him that might get turned against me were I pretending I could be that refuge. She has a temper too.
I think as long as she's caught up in what feels (from my perspective) like a delusion (she'll lecture and then he'll change) ... I actually wouldn't want that responsibility.
I'm not one to be "partner" (despite my intense opinions about it) to her healing. I think, honestly, that the most likely outcome is they're going to be locked in a terminal miserable pas de deux, and she'll wail in pain over it part of the time, and the rest of the time want to talk about butterflies. If she wants to do something different, she'll have to come to that choice on her own. (I know anybody close to a person in a toxic relationship yearns for them to "wake up." It's common, and commonly futile, ime. Almost like being close to an alcoholic. They have to find their own rock bottom or push-off point. You can't hand it to them.)
I think spilling all this out has helped me hear myself. I was getting unhealthy the more CoD I got about it, so I don't think having her right under my nose would improve anything. Better to send blessings and good hopes for her. She hasn't found a T and is full of la-la-la because she's just not ready. And might never be. Her agenda is hers, and she has a right to extricate herself or choose not to. I'm working at letting that all go...focusing on learning how to say "umm, hmmm, whatdoyouwanttodo?" instead of "RUN!"
I've said my piece often enough. I want to maintain my serenity while she vents but NOT keep repeating my piece. I've helped her to the degree I can, she is proceeding in her own life and choices, and I want to back off some for both our sakes.
I want serenity. I'm not the linchpin of her life. Love her dearly, but don't want to be that.
hugs
Hops
-
Well done, Hops. Finding your balance, while others flail, is so powerful and makes you a more responsive listener/ friend/ support.
Getting dragged into your friend's reactivity with her doesn't help her and harms you, ime.
When your poet friend decides she wants something else..... she'll be able to release
unrealistic expectations around her marriage. It sounds like all her angst hinges on her struggle to accept what is, which I realize creates most of my angst.
So, ya......ask your friend what she intends to do about whatever she's complaining about....then listen.
Maybe you'll provide a new empowering perspective enough times for her to SEE she has the ability to choose learned helplessness OR something new and better for herself.
Sometimes one doesn't understand they're stuck in a trance until something shifts .... something new and unexpected, IME.
I can't listen to any gossip or the same complaints over and over without calling the speaker on it.....with more or less compassion or gangster compassion .... depending on how easily dismissed my words will be. Sometimes gangster/ plain talk for me, that is. ...is necessary.
If I care enough to listen then I likely want to help. Helping people see something new, they haven't been able to see before, is my new very short line in the sand....then I release expectation. It's all good, but I notice negative patterns repeat less frequently around me. People are listening more and ignoring me less. They do research and want to discuss it.
Currently I'm working on being patient with those who ignored or tortured me over healthier food choices when I was struggling.....and now want my help making better choices, finding better options at the store, with recipes, etc.
When I was trying to do it first r them I was dismissed and punished.
When I turned to my business they decided they were interested.
Dropping expectations sometimes makes it possible for people to HEAR us where expectations made it impossible before, IME.
Ask poet what she'll do to get herself out of her unhappy situation then leave it there....where it belongs. Nothing to do with you or your hope or cares.....but with her.
Sometimes modeling self care is the kindest and most helpful thing we can do for those who've never learned how, IME.
Maybe that's what "mind your own business" really means? Tend to oneself, cultivate positive uplifting things and relationships....steer them up, don't stay in the negative space...... Don't demand they leave it.
Show them how.
I hope that makes sense. I'll edit later.
Lighter
-
No need to edit, that makes perfect sense.
I am clear now and feel relieved.
I may need to figure out the right response when the next cycle starts. Last time we talked I mentioned that I can get distressed and feel quite upset for a while after she describes an anguishing argument with him, or the cruel things he says.
But her last comment was just rationalizing it all as "Celtic temperament." They fight, argue and she almost depicted it as cute, an old Scottish couple "blethering." Not even the actual meaning of "blethering" but I think it's giving her a survivable narrative to think of it that way. She is utterly unable to face the idea of leaving, and that's her right. Though it's sad to me. That's my problem.
I'm really a little fed up (with myself) and want to remain compassionate but not hooked into the cycle of denial with her. Ultimately, it just makes me sad. For her. And indirectly, him too.
Anyhow, NOT MY BUSINESS. Thanks for the reminder to tend to my own. I've got plenty of work to do right here.
hugs
Hops
PS They are not married, though they had a "commitment ceremony" quite early in their relationship. I attended, wrote a poem for them, but remember thinking that it felt premature (nice party, though). The house is in her name and their finances are separated. So, to extricate herself, she'd really just have to require him to leave. They just moved to her daughter's state and he's enjoyed having a family (his Dtr is in France and his felon son in rehab, and all they want from him is his money). But in basic terms, he would have to move out or move on. It won't end otherwise and I've stopped imagining it will. She says, if she lost him she'd be very very sad. I believe her -- one can love an abusive mate. But to me she's living in constant sadness and has signed over her future. He's likely to die first. Then she'll be alone anyway, but with family support, which makes a huge difference. She's just not interested in serious therapy or changing the relationship so I'm OUT of the advice business. My job is only to learn how to listen without internalizing it all.
It's not my pebble. My nose needs a rest. LOL.
-
Nose off pebble, Hops, yup yup 👍
It does come and go.
Light
-
Instead of going all grievey over the holiday this time, I lolled in with a really interesting young YouTube counselor all morning who captivated me despite his background (way more Xian-conservative than I'm comfy with) -- he was SO compassionate with callers.
Then I had 4 friends over who hadn't seen Nanette or ever heard of Hannah Gadsby. It was SOOOO nice to have my back room full of talk and wine and laughter again, and even Pooch looked like the color had returned to her cheeks (if you could see beneath the fur). Plus, the conversation after the show was soooo satisfying.
I had windows open, ceiling fan blowing, and we all put on our masks when we weren't in our seats. Felt very safe and very joyful.
Gave my crows a handful of pistachios someone left. Happy Easter all around!
hugs
Hops
-
I really enjoyed your holiday post, Hops. So much: )
Lighter
-
Big happy at you, Lighter.
How did yours go?
hugs
Hops
PS On the basis of how Sunday went, we decided to form a monthly FFFFF group:
Funny Fantastic Feminist Film Fridays. My dear 80 y/o brought her lovely adult
daughter and next time wants to bring them both, so we'll be six. SO nice to
mix up the ages! Both lovely, smart and accomplished. Tight fit for safe social distancing, but we'll manage. I may have to haul the sofa and armchairs around
but I'll make 'em help. I don't want to try to cook so we'll do a snackpalooza.
around. They were super pleased with my sound system and spanikopita.
-
Lots of anxiety today because I have zero energy and have gotten stressed out with the two-pooches change (though I looooove her). Woke up at 330 and haven't slept again since, so quite tired. Potty training is a challenge, she's clearly mostly chihuahua and they have a rep for being difficult to train, and at 5 y/o it's more of a challenge. So lots of accidents. I left a big pot in the sink with water running and was focusing so hard on her I forgot it, came back to an overflowing sink and lake on CORK floor (which hates being soaked). Cleaning it up took heavy rug-lugging and towel shoveling and running laundry.
The deal is, I am quite weak (from the deconditioning or who knows what, so I'm scared about the heart test) and lightheaded-with-SOB every time I bend down to do anything, if I'm honest. I'm always gripping counters and walls to steady myself.
What a ninny. Feels better just to say it. I DO believe in regeneration but am just feeling alone and anxious. It'll pass, just helps a lot to write it here. Thanks.
Also, I've recognized that 3 glasses of wine every afternoon is blatant self-medicating, and if not alcoholic, definitely a new and unhealthy habit I grew into over the last two years of isolation. Talking about it with my T some, but shit.
Thanks for reading, y'all.
hugs
Hops
-
I've had wet floors....3 stories of them from overflowing tub. I just had to laugh or would have gone crazy.
Be kind to yourself, Hops. You're getting stronger the more you move and lift and tote. Are you hydrating?
Banish the fear, if you can, and consider blocking off an area
With pee pads for new pooch. My brother has a little pen he puts his older dog in when he's not right with her..... she's a sneaky inside pee er. Limit the chaos as you can and don't beat yourself up about the wine.
Switch to 2 glasses or 1 if you're ready to make a change, but enjoy the wine if you're having it.
So sorry the cork floor got wet. You didn't need that.
Lighter
-
It's amazing how much dog pee (in the right place) can do for one's mental health.
In my frazzlement, I'd completely forgotten two important training tools:
--She can sleep in her carrier all night long, won't soil it. Tried it, took her outside as soon as I woke up and gently plonked her over her last pee-spot in the grass and mirabile dictu! A widdle whizz!
--I can set a recurring alarm on my cell phone to remind me to keep refocusing and carrying her outdoors again. Done. Two-hour intervals now, but hope to gradually increase them as she becomes stronger.
I think she does already get the general idea, or wants to "do it right" but I hadn't made it easy enough. When she does have accidents, they're always right near the door. If the poor thing could get out there on her own she would, I think. (I don't let her use the big dog door as Pooch does, because the yard's big and there are owls/hawks -- she'd be good for a midnight snack.) So it's my responsibility to help her with the crate at night and clockwork schedule during the day. I think it might all work if I'm just consistent for a few months.
I'd like to encourage her to bark by the door to let me know it's out time, but dunno if that'll happen. I've heard one little yap-woo in 5 days, but she's still adapting. To a lot.
I feel more patient today with her and with myself, and my anxiety has dropped some. (Also narrated a whole lot about the health fears to poet friend, blesserheart, and we'll be on Zoom together in a poetry workshop tonight. Great distraction from head jammed into navel.)
I even wrote a new poem for the first time in months. Simple one, but I like it.
hugs
Hops
-
Delivered Newpooch back to the SPCA this morning. Sat and cried in the parking lot (after doing it with the kind receptionist). I was just trying to get out how all she needs is for anyone with her to be extremely GENTLE and I broke down a bit. No hysterics, but wow.
I'm okay. Still clear it was right -- for me. I'm just worried about her but need to have faith in another person who'll be unfazed by pee pads and doggie diapers and taking her out multiple times a day even when it's freezing. I could have chosen that route for a decade+ by keeping her but am sure it would've been more than I should take on for this chapter. I'm already fighting the ADD to get organized, focus is a struggle and so is adequate sleep. So back to peaceful, low-maintenance routines with Pooch, who is contented and independent.
I realized talking to my T that unconsciously I identified with Newpooch. All the trauma she's been through, and abandonment. That helped me understand why it was hard to maintain detached distance and within a few days, we were bonded and love was flowing both ways. That process was a healing joy with Pooch and still is, so it isn't bad to feel grief today, just helps to understand it more.
It was SO hard to leave Newpooch there; I could feel her trembling through the carrier. But ours is a stellar, no-kill SPCA, and I feel confident she'll be treated well.
When the time is right I'll do it again; fostering felt good. Fattened her up and got her safe. A later time, hoping to "foster fail" -- I'll be more careful about answering the call, though. I think what I'll need is a 10-15 pound dog who's 8-12 years old and ready to relax -- and I should stick to that. A 5 y/o small breed is super active.
I don't know whether an "overlap dog" is a good idea, now that I realize my fantasies of them bonding and snuggling were just that -- fantasies. I can wait.
Thanks for listening.
hugs
Hops
-
Oh, so sorry you're hurting, ((Hops.))
It was the right decision, I'm sure, but still yanks at the heart strings for the little one, I know. She's better off for your care and has a new reference for safety and trust...... if only it could have lasted.
I'm guessing someone with more energy and zest for fixing the potty training will scoop her up and bond more deeply still. That's the right thing and bless you for seeing past everything and recognizing it.
Comfort your soft heart, Hops and know you're kind, well intentioned and doing what you can to ease suffering.
I'm sure your pooch is grateful to have the old routine back.
It's OK to be grateful too.
Lighter
-
I am grateful, Lighter, and for your compassion too.
Yup. I've felt better as the day went on, and got a f/u email later that confirmed my hunch that Newpooch is pregnant. She's already signed up with a new foster parent who's experienced with whelping and raising puppies to adoptability. She'll have to recover and then be spayed.
I feel sad about Newpooch's new traumas but know she'll be treated kindly. I'm sure it's one of many litters she's likely been forced to bear. I loathe the sort of doggy mill that allowed her to wind up starved in a kill shelter. Grrrr. She's in the right hands now, so I'm just glad I helped her get there. Such a sweet creatureperson.
Meanwhile, Pooch is conked out back on my bed and very content. Took her out with me yesterday to meet old friends passing through and she was so happy to be out and to see them. (Same folks I was with some years back when they got the call their son just died, you may remember. This time, they're worried about their daughter who's come down with covid. But since they had a big reunion planned and daughter won't allow them in her house to help--and does have a circle of close neighbor friends--they undertook the trip anyway. We looked at each other at one point and said, No, that will NOT be happening again. They're scared -- dtr's doc wants her to go to the hospital because her chest is so congested but she won't, so they're worrying. I just suggested dtr have an oximeter delivered, because if O2 levels are consistently not lower than 90%-92%, she's okay getting through it at home. She's only a few days in and covid takes a while. Friends are 80-something so this is grueling, likely a last trip to see friends they miss a lot. Grateful I'm one.)
Long ramble, but it feels good to write it.
hugs
Hops
-
Scary when lungs are struggling, Hops. I hope your friend's DD recovers soon.
Glad young pooch has good foster match already.
My dry intermittent cough is really starting to bug me.
Lighter
-
I wouldn't have posted all that detail about the daughter's covid if I'd read your other post first! Sorry about that.
I absolutely believe that like you, she'll be okay soon. I just twanged with them because of the other time we were together and tragedy happened. This isn't the same in actuality, they were just looking pretty stricken to be here again and have their remaining child become fairly ill. I know it felt like an echo, but it ain't.
I dunno anything good about coughs except a real suppressant, not just expectorant. Maybe NyQuil includes that; haven't taken it in years. If you like an herbal route, any slippery elm bark on hand?
Hang in there.
hugs
Hops
-
NyQuil gives me unbroken sleep. It's my guilty pleasure and leaves me pretty numb ish. Cough completely goes....DayQuil not as helpful.
-
Well here's a short mental health thought:
I'm struggling with state of mind. The world, my own wee concerns, the country collapsing into facism, general dread...it's all big enough to seep past my defenses.
I feel irritable with friends (try not to show it) and here it is glorious late spring and I'm still not feeling very sociable. I feel a dark cloud hanging over everyone I know, so there's nothing unique about my mood, I know. Going for another swim at the same place tomorrow late afternoon, which I'm sure will help a lot along with a little company.
But that's it. Remind me not to work up my usual dread of winter isolation in June, fer godssake! All will be well and what isn't will pass, even if it's only when I do.
hugs
Hops
-
Feel better today.
Yesterday cancelled a visit with old friend whose own anxiety doesn't mingle well with mine, and who doesn't take turns listening. Just decided it'd be better to meet on a day when I think we might both get a chance to share. She was working on something and content to do a raincheck too.
Today is lovely -- I woke at 430 and instead of fighting it, enjoyed the early morning a lot. Pooch cuddles, and recording a video reading a special poem by Wendell Berry They requested I do one for the Sunday service and it made me (and them) happy.
So I'm short on sleep but will nap, and later at 530 take my 80 y/o dear pal out to a gorgeous place near the mountains to swim (again). Looking forward to it.
Hope all'a y'all are well today and finding beauty where you can.
hugs
Hops
-
I hope you enjoy this summer solstice, Hops. The swim witih your pal sounds amazing.
Lighter
-
Thanks, Lighter.
My pal is amazing. She's bringing her adult Ds too, both of whom are fabulous.
hugs
Hops
-
My little video "benediction" (Wendell Berry) was well received today. One interesting thing happened: a woman I know but not well, called to ask for a copy and wound up inviting me to go to Botswana! She's been to amazing camps there, twice, and wants to go again.
It was painful to tell her I can't afford it. Imagine: stunning parks, darkest night sky, the African wildlife (you go from one camp to another via Cessna). Oy. Wanted to go to Africa all my life, but accept it's not in the cards.
But she inspires me regardless -- I can interpret that model for day trips in my gorgeous state, just as well. She invited me to visit so I'll go over tomorrow for a porch sit.
It'll be nice to get to know someone my age and gender who's seizing the day.
hugs
Hops
-
So! I apologize for inflicting my processing here (dark events thread) but wanted to say I've weathered it for now and am better in the last day or so. I do think we all need safe spaces to express our pain, dismay, confusion or sorrow, regardless of where we are in the sacred privacy of a voting booth. YMMV on that and I don't want to rock the norms that let everyone feel safe and comfortable here, so please forgive me if I've distressed anyone. I'll try to stop referencing outer world stuff as best I can.
Some of my heart feeling better can be chalked up to getting re-involved in doing something constructive for community: https://www.vtvnetwork.org/ (https://www.vtvnetwork.org/)
It feels both exciting and comforting to be in at the ground level. I'm also trying to bring in a few others who may want to join the board or the wider group) -- we just might launch in about a year.
As was true with the refugees effort, I feel better when I'm not just focused on myself. And with this work, there are regular meetings and I do feel valued. My church peers often (unintentionally I'm sure) made me feel taken for granted.
Anyhow, wanted to share what's getting me through and hope all of us are finding that passage. Would love to hear.
hugs, off to Zoom with T...
Hops
-
I'm glad you found something you feel builds you up AND gives back, Hops.
Such a worthy cause and you have so much to offer.
Lighter
PS I responded to this post, at greater length, and it's just gone.
-
Sorry, this is the poem I videoed for the benediction. When I read it aloud, slowly, it changes how I feel. Every time.
Hugs, Hops
The Peace of Wild Things by Wendell Berry
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
-
I've got a good load of things to talk to my T about this week. Sometimes, given how longwinded I am, it's hard to fit them into 55 minutes. So thought I'd try condensing part of it here, kind of outlining it in order to organize my thoughts before we talk.
Good News: May sound silly but this is biiig. My "paralysis" and ADD-associated (though maybe it's also been unrecognized depression-associated) clutter and disorder at home has changed in an unexpected way. When I randomly thought about trying the SAD light anew the other morning -- now I am worried I already told y'all this but whatev -- I just did it, and the whole day was amazing. I tidied up and finished things and put away stuff and just stayed in a positive, productive mood all day long. I didn't recognize myself. I ate healthy food and was more active and just felt more alive.
I felt a connection to my home that was happy and loving. In some weird way it was like being loving to myself. I feel as though it was a big and surprising breakthrough, my brain's response to the light. Circadian and more.
So I used the light again yesterday with the same energy result and this morning too, and I'm going to keep it up. It's SO extreme, the contrast. Inescapable. In a funny way, I'm also wondering if having that patio rebuilt was a giant act of self care. ??? Seems to have jogged something loose. I still read and wrote and did lots online, but every time I took a break I DID things that needed doing, from laundry to food to dog etc.
The SAD light seems to affect me in a very direct and dramatic way now --moreso than I've felt it before, though it always "worked" to a degree. All of it positive.
I would donate a toe if I could keep this uplifted, different feeling, but I know not to have too many expectations. I could be having mood shifts for other brain reasons I'm not clear about. But I sure have been liking it.
Hugs,
Hops
-
Hops - I see the absolute cause & effect of the patio and SAD light on your mood & ability to focus. It IS a form of self-care. Self-care of any kind (good food, tidy house, gifts to yourself) can lead to establishing a more permanent kind or level of positive outlook... creates a positive feedback loop.
Self-care starts out palliative, a lot of times. Then, it shifts down deeper into habit & lifestyle. It doesn't matter what helps or how silly it seems - if it WORKS and HELPS it's useful.
-
Thank you, Amber.
That's very solid support for just seeing and trusting the reality of new circuits, new habits...and how they all synergize.
I hope to keep it up!
And we've finally had rain. Just the air feels gentle and comforting now. I never really mind humidity and love grayer days.
hugs
Hops
-
Could be a bit of a placebo. The SAD light thing. idk
Read a while back that placebo is connected to genes. Some people have a placebo gene component and some people do not.
Whatever works.
-
In my case anyway, the response is so strong and obvious, it'd be mighty hard to read as placebo.
I respect the studies that show brains actually respond powerfully to light or its lack (as well as nutrients, all sorts of stuff). There's a lot of neuroscience behind this. I was amazed to also learn there's a subvariant of SAD that hits in spring, or even all the time (moi). My circadian rhythm has been severely off for a very long time (all-night insomnia, for example) but I remember it also from early childhood. Quirky brain. I'm so grateful there's a physical, nondrug solution for me. (SAD lights have been shown equally effective to SSRIs for some.)
https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/seasonal-affective-disorder-bring-on-the-light-201212215663 (https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/seasonal-affective-disorder-bring-on-the-light-201212215663)
In a nutshell, it reduces depression by reducing vigilance. Fascinating.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-internet-brain/202111/the-neuroscience-light-therapy (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-internet-brain/202111/the-neuroscience-light-therapy)
-
Coolio Hops.
Whatever works.
I live in a downstairs section of a house, nice and cool during the summer but pretty much too dark all the time. I'm sure it doesn't help one's mood.
Recently all of a sudden doctors are saying that 'depression' is not because of brain chemistry issues exactly. I think it stinks of the whole pharma industry or whatever.
Anyhow media people are making a deal about it. There are a lot of news reports right now like this one because of "a study."
But also it's kinda weird that people are framing it as some far-right political thing. Everything now I guess is put through some polarized narratives.
https://nypost.com/2022/07/28/do-antidepressants-really-help-depression/
Every once in a while I get more energy than normal. I will go out for a long power walk or something. It's kinda rare for me though to feel like doing much these days.
-
What is sort of shocking to me is that I've spoken to people who have problems but low-energy isn't something everybody experiences.
Like I know a guy who was explaining his binge eating to me something I've never dealt with. So he has like this extremely strict meal plan routine.
-
I think it's like a specific recipe can work for a specific individual.
No idea if the light would work for all, I'm just pretty sure it works better than SSRIs for me. I was hoping never to need to take them again because I hated the side effects. But some people don't feel them or aren't bothered by them. Glad they're one thing in the toolbox. Wish I could send you a good SAD light, Mouse.
I've been bingeing carbs some lately too, so something's going on. Too early for the outdoor light to be changing drastically, although apparently some brains react to the SMALL changes after the solstice. Whew.
And exercise. I've got to re-start from below scratch and have been putting it off. More things hurt (naturally) than they did a few years ago.
hugs
Hops
-
Also, sometimes we don't know how much something is impacting us. Lots of things can seem subtle but not be.
Light, food, sleep, social activity and so on.
-
Exactly.
I need to program each of these things, as juggling them does overwhelm my brain. So much that I default to paralysis and neglect almost all of them.
I need to start thinking of my ADD as a uniqueness and plan for it pragmatically, instead of using it as an excuse.
-
What I've been doing with my T (for four years) has been rapidly (and usually anxiously) narrating "what's been happening since last time" while she responds at her natural pace, searching for words with lengthy pauses, which I find excruciating. I've been feeling stuck lately, but I'm trying to meet her where she is. I think she's given up saying much, suggesting much, or reacting much other than a very empathetic expression and brief responses like "That's good, right?" or "That's important", etc. I KNOW she means well.
Lately I've been thinking about whether we're a good fit, especially when my chronic issues don't seem to budge much (the ADD-disorder, etc, though I got through leaving M, which was a big step, with her strong support and tacit encouragement). She also shared that she has ADD herself, which felt great but also makes me wonder what effect it has in sessions. I'm not sure.
I decided to try to be more emotionally open, which I've sensed has frustrated her. I've often felt uncomfortable at how very close she gets (even on Zoom, she's way too close in for my sense of personal space.) So yesterday I just shared that briefly, and then went into a good bit of detail how deeply sad I can get, and why. She knows the outlines of lost D, fears of older age, and loneliness. But I said more about it and had a pretty naked face/expression.
Early in the session she'd started venting some about the lack of mental health resources in our area, especially "we don't have enough psychiatrists." I had asked about the possibility of a support group. She just looked negative. I mentioned a large psychology practice that I know includes group therapy and she (looking reluctant) said, well I suppose I could email him to ask. I felt, why such a low-energy reaction to me needing more or different help? I wondered if she resented my implication that our pace/processing (she's told me hers is slow) might not be working. So maybe she felt defensive. I honestly don't know.
Anyway, then she said, "Are you suicidal?" I'd expressed a lot of sadness and why, but never suggested I had any active interest in suicide, though I'm entirely willing to talk about it as a possibility if I become helpless one day and have the chance. That's an elder issue that a lot of people think about and I'll go past any taboo in conversation. Personally, I'm not sure I'd carry it out anyway. And that's it. But it hasn't been a theme for me or anything I've brought up with her.
My reaction was to feel upset and even a trace paranoid last night, reflecting back on the session. I am wondering if she's tiring of me and feeling frustrated that her very soft, slow style isn't bringing breakthroughs. It's what I'm trying to address and change, but her abrupt question felt to me like a kind of shortcut, or "checking off a professional box" when I didn't think I'd said anything to justify it.
I'll talk about it with her next time, but am thinking it might be time to go back to the Sikh. I fear the change because she does feel safe to me, and he may be in another lane entirely, or obvlivious to some of my issues because he's male and in a very different identity than most Ts I've known. But part of me wonders if that might be good for me, overall.
Thanks for listening. Trying to digest and process a lot of stuff. A good problem. Comments welcome, and advice too.
hugs
Hops
-
Hops, you have choices about what you'll do with your therapy and therapists.
Maybe don't schedule your next appointment with your current T after the next session or cancel the next appt and say you;ll reschedule when you have the next date in mind.
Continue seeing your therapist and make an appointment with the Sikh or see him instead of your regular appointment with the other T, but feel free to feel whatever you feel and let it be OK.
Your willingness to heal.... to surrender your protective parts in order to find and explore your wounded and vulerable parts is admirable and I hope you find a way to do that, no matter which Therapist holds your gaze while you do the work.
BTW, I've scared myself quite a bit with the things I've felt and said in sessions with my current T and she's never
even
flinched.
She's held my gaze while reflecting back my goodness.....my grace and she gently directs me back to the mission.... to the goal I set wtih her and she's never frustrated or short or jjudgy or anything but compassionate and straight up present. Available, vulnerable and willing to allow me to be my most vulnerable.
Actually.... it feels more like she's grateful I'm willing to make the obligatory ugly crying faces. She's...... authentic and it's clear helping her clients learn to reset their brains and heal themselves is her calling.
No fear. No ego.
Just radiant patience and all the compassion in the world shining through her eyes. Sometimes I'm brought to tears, meeting her gaze..... and that's not something I've ever experienced with a T or another human being, if I'm being honest. She meets me where I am bc her T meets her where she is, imo.
-
Hi Hops,
I read what you wrote there.
Read it earlier and then came back to it. Sometimes I read things but don't write any response.
You are questioning if you want to continue with the therapist of 4 years or do something else.
-
Wacky Life Theorist (and part-time absurdist) response:
Feelings pass, are let go - when they're replaced with something else in your attention. "Healing" may very well consist of feeling something else, intensely, instead. Or otherwise occupying yourself with tasks that require your focus and attention.
Feelings AREN'T the end all, be all of authenticity. If humans were meant to be 100% "authentically" JUST their feelings - why do we develop a frontal cortex? It's how we choose to act and behave on our feelings that is the "magic" of being human.
Every person has a different comfort zone "balance" of thinking & feeling that is their experience of being alive and real; valuable and useful. What is comfortable for Ben, doesn't work at all for Betty - and individuality /spirit /DNA? - all help determine what that comfort zone is.
If "Happiness 24/7/365" was a real thing; achievable; no one would be motivated to creativity, or mind-numbingly difficult physical repetitve tasks. Chasing happiness, IMO, is one of the ways modern culture has gone off the rails. Oftentimes, I've lied to myself that feeling happy was all that mattered to me. And I'd go to extremes to try to find it - failing spectacularly. When, in truth, what it was - was I simply needed to appreciate and be grateful for all the things that are "just right" (for me) in my universe.
Sadness has a value too. It's a worthy emotion. But, at this point, I think I've come to the conclusion that the whole point of therapy - most kinds anyway - is to help people not BE STUCK - feeling just that one emotion ALL THE DAMN TIME. We're all going to have times when we touch base with our inner darkness. We're going to spend an undefined amount of time with all of them - comfortable feeling or not - and it's my experience (now) that we can spend enough time with those uncomfortable feelings until they pass naturally to something else and resume pursuing the goals or projects that were interrupted momentarily. Sometimes - it's a LONG time till it passes. But that's OK; it's what needed.
I hit a point in my grieving process (and juggling massive anger too) over Mike, where I was just SOOOOOOOoooo damn tired of crying, I just didn't want to do that anymore. And that's when I got my ass in gear to start purging the bulk of the Mike space-taker-uppers, dust collectors, and things I conceded letting him have because it filled some empty space for him. In him. Then, I found & bought the farm. ;) I didn't force it; I stayed with the grief till it shifted, let it shift through all the other things - till moving day saw me loading Mio-Mio into the car to make the last drive up here at sunset. We pulled in about 10 pm; in the dark; with a handful of unfamiliar keys.
Hops, I know you don't do well with solitude for extended periods of time. You perhaps could try to find a small group of friends nearby, to socialize with - singly or in groups. It doesn't have to become a mutual aid society or a daily practice but it would do you good, I think, to look in on some peeps you care about and not have so much time dedicated to sorting your own mess out. A small balance change at first; baby steps - might be enough change to replace attention to specific feelings that are stubbornly hanging around.
I accept that you're more emotionally oriented (as a poet) than the majority of people, including me. Your comfortable balance is gonna be different than a lot of people's. It's what floats YOUR boat, that's important and you'll need to engage your attention and perceptiveness in tiny refinements until you find what works for you. Your "recipe" for a contented life is a one-off; no two are exactly the same.
I need to run & make breakfast and then I'm sorting out a lot of studio crap. Getting it arranged & set up with the intent of starting to MAKE some things - pretties, utility items, dunno what all yet. I might even lose the urge to work out there. But it'll be ready & waiting (and CLEAN) for me to "play" should I have time & choose to do so.
-
Thanks, Amber. I like your reminder that DOING is healing. I know it is; there it is. I need to motivate myself to pour love on my little home for myself. I tend to think -- oh what difference does it make, nobody's coming over. Kinds of stupidities.
I really don't cry much. The first few years of the no-child/no-family situation I'd open up like a firehose now and then. But it's been 10 years now and I rarely shed a tear. (To a fault, I think.) What I think I did was let the loss settle into my skeleton so it became part of me. A part I accept though I do talk about it with friends at times when it aches or when I get afraid of the long road ahead. I think I am blocked and have a lot of pent-up tears that my body turns into fear and chest stuff. Maybe I should encourage myself to have a weep-date with myself now and then. I've just dried up, kinda. My eyes get damp now and then, but no spillover.
For me, activity will heal a lot of it. But there's an ocean of ache for deeper connection and love. I know women friends love me and I had two (from the covenant group) over last evening for patio yak and it was lovely. I'm still not hugging, nor are they (one's had covid) and they're dears I'm grateful for, but. It's not the level of intimacy I yearn for (with a man). Even a mind connection is underwhelming with most of my women friends, oddly. My T said, "You need more love in your life" and there it is. I'm touch-starved, too. Pandemic didn't help.
I might be having coffee with a friendly retired railroad engineer. Saw his big-smile pic and wrote him. He lives 45 minutes away. Just seems like a happy, active guy who's obsessed with trains. Smart, not snobby. He went to Maine to a John Bonamassa concert so I looked that guy up and WOW. We might meet next week.
Mouse, thank you. You got it and it helped to read it restated simply. There it is.
Lighter, that really helped, your portrait of your T's presence and empathy. I think I kind of yearn for the Sikh and fear going back to him. I think I yearn for some male energy while fearing men. Or picking the wrong one, over and over.
I just don't know where things are with present T. She's kind and well intentioned but I wonder if she's as frustrated with me as I sometimes feel with her. I think she'd love it if I broke down crying but there's something in her way of reacting that can put me off. I believe empathy is completely genuine on her part but in some way I think her halting speech is scary to me -- can we ever ever connect without her slo-mo search for the next word, which is often so underwhelming when it comes I just feel flattened and give up. It's not her fault in the slightest.
Thanks so much, all-a y'all, for hearing all that and responding. YOU make a huge difference in my life. And my mental health.
love
Hops
-
Hops:
If you feel funny about taking a break with your T....maybe her ego is involved in that process.
Maybe you're worried about hurting her feelings when she wouldn't be hurt at all.
Maybe you worry you'll lose your regular appointment, something that happened to me,but ended up with my finding a much better regular appointment.
I don;t understsand the halting speech from your T.
My T usually is repeating back to me and writing down what I'm saying bc we're about to do a session around the upsetting feelings I'm having. I don't need her to respond. She's already doing the work of guiding me to process the trauma.... what is there to say besides asking me if I'm comfortable doing EMDR, or pushing on a wall or AIT or ART therapy? There's never just sitting and if there is, it's me talkng about stuff that isn't a poblem for me.... and it's time for a break.
We're going to process the trauma OUT of my brain and body. She's teaching me to do it for myself,which is amazing and so obvious to me now.
If there;s a theme song in my T's office it's Lets Get Down To Business..... truly. She's as up for it and I can see in her eyes, she's there FOR THAT. Simple chats are enjoyable. We have them, but they're the beginning of a break OR deciding what we're going to work on next. Chatting isn't the T.
Lighter
-
Lighter, that's really helpful. Thank you.
I don't think I can make it her responsibility that we're not working together as you describe. I've had such fear located in my body that things like reprocessing trauma trigger SOB or chest pain, and I rely on narrative instead. It's not just "chatting" but for me, it helps simply to keep telling the story or the recent story until something in my mind/heart shifts and I have a new insight. Insight is all, for me.
I think it might just be personality stuff. She is patient and empathetic, but the pace thing really is an issue. I don't need a speed freak talker, but her responses are so labored and effortful that I get subtly triggered. Dunno what it is. Maybe she's having processing struggles in some way I don't understand, or maybe it's how her own ADD functions, who knows? I don't think I need to know the why, but just try to assess how "stuck" it is.
And also challenge myself. To take more pauses, to listen more calmly while she finds a word. Hmmm.
As I think of it now, I think I'm backing off the idea of seeing Sikh again. The reason is, when I'm strong and fighting and being a warrior for myself, I can talk to anyone and hold my own. But I have enough fear of males (and his religious stuff, even though he says it won't apply) that it might not be the best move.
But that's how I feel today. :)
hugs
Hops
-
I'm sure you'll figure out the best way to handle the therapy questions for yourself, Hops.
Your insights might lead you anywhere with regard to therapy and your needs.
I explain my understanding and experience and you explain yours. It's all good.
Lighter; )
-
Yup, all good.
Thanks for the support, Lighter.
hugs
Hops
-
: )
-
HUH. That description leads me to wonder IF, perhaps - you keep talking to disguise the fear in your body and IF perhaps, the fear is because you can't know the reason for her prolonged silences. Giving away one's feeling of fear is almost at a level of threat to inner children - the more invisible one is, the "safer" one perceives one is.
I hope that kinda makes sense. Maybe it doesn't apply in your situation. I know I had a big struggle to feel comfortable in my own skin (regardless of what was going on in my environment) because I didn't really trust myself to keep myself safe. I faked it a lot for my job; and once I saw that it opened up the possibility of seeing that I could apply it in other situations. AND, FYI, that's still a work in progress. There are a lot more situations now, that I can navigate more comfortably... but I still let my intuition remove me from some place/people that don't "feel right".
All speculation in your situation, of course. Wash it out of your hair, if it doesn't apply.
-
That's an interesting suggestion, Amber. Thanks.
I definitely do feel some anxiety about her pace. Laborious searches for words.
Sometimes it's because I don't have a lot of faith that she'll say anything insightful.
Sometimes because I worry that I've got a lot pent up and the time will expire.
But yup, anxiety = fear. I'll sit with it next time and try to share what's happening in the moment with her. Kindly. I've mentioned "pace" only a couple times and she's replied, I know, my processing speed is slow.
I'm also anxious about what it'd be like to leave her. The regular appts with her have eased the struggle of dealing with winter isolation, which I dread but can't change yet for me.
hugs
Hops
-
Hops:
Do you feel your chest pain is exacerbated by your emotional distress?
Is it possible the chest pain is created by the distress?
Lighter
-
Yes to both, Lighter.
This chicken and egg query is all chicken and all egg, at the same time.
Scrambled!
hugs
Hops
-
If you allowed didn't back off whatever was creating the chest pain..... what would happen?
Would it lead to harm to your vascular system or your heart or would your BG go up up up into crisis or your heart rate increase to unsafe levels?
Would the pain lead to a panic attack or passing out, do you think?
Lighter
-
Mercifully, haven't had a panic attack or intense anxiety symptoms in months. I wouldn't go seeking that state in a therapy session now, though. I'm not connected enough to this T for that much vulnerability, though I know many people are able to.
This Friday I have my last heart test (stress PET scan), and I think I'll be feeling a lot better after that's done. Hopefully good news will be very freeing.
I know this T would be pleased if I could work more somatically, but for now the narrative approach is the best I can do. I've been disconnected from my body in too many ways but how I visualize coming back to life in small steps is walking. And trying to keep the RAD (reactive airways) under control.
I'd love to build up to the easy 2 miles I was often doing ten years ago.
hugs
Hops
-
I'm not freaking out about it, but I'm thinking about the therapist dilemma. I really am afraid of being hurtful (I can work through that as I know its not my intention), or making the wrong decision. But at one point today, when she looked literally frozen searching for a word, and her struggle was soooo lengthy, I thought: I just need someone with more language skill. When she f.i.n.a.l.l.y spoke, it was to say: "I can't find.....words. It is good to share your feelings." It was so bland that I think it may almost have flipped a decision switch inside. I feel torn because she is very kind and well intentioned, but after four years I think it might be time for a different approach. Then again, I could be sabotaging myself. It's even crossed my mind that there could be a cognitive issue for her. I wish I knew!
I'm going to get up my courage and see the Sikh at least once (out of pocket) to talk about where he thinks therapy could go. And maybe ask a few people if they know of an outstanding female therapist I might try. Might be slim pickings due to the pandemic pressures on mental health providers. It's okay. Not really a crisis decision, because I will be on this path for life. I know sometimes it's good to change practitioners. But it's still daunting -- a little scary.
Last ditch (but I think unlikely) -- I might try to find out if Medicare would allow
me to see her and also the Sikh, alternating weeks. Kind of doubt it. And I don't know whether that's therapeutically wise anyway.
Whew. No decision made, but it helped to write out my vacillations!
hugs
Hops
-
I wonder what's there, behind the feelings you have around hurting your T, Hops.
Is it nose on the pebble concern ....
or....
can you get enough distance on it to see what's behind it?
Lighter
-
Pretty simple.
I hate seeing any pain of rejection on any face that I could prevent.
I also know professional Ts understand and expect clients to "graduate" if it's appropriate for them. She'd be okay, it's just tough to do. Almost, not-quite there.
It'll be okay. I wrote the Sikh about a one-off talk and I'll be very open with him, to see if that conversation inspires a decision.
hugs
Hops
-
Had a long talk with my wise friend, 80y/o, "P". She understood all of it and spotted that my interest in and fear of seeing the Sikh is classic "approach avoidance" and that made a lot of sense. She suggested one way to talk to him for a session is to first ask about where he'd see us going, and also whether he thinks because of my fears, recommending a third option (such as perhaps another woman counselor) would be good.
In talking to P, it really did seem more clear to me that despite the other fear (of change and losing present-T's support) it's probably the right thing to change Ts at this point. P also pointed out that I could ask present-T for a hiatus with the option to return to her.
Huh. Hadn't thought of that, but it might reduce my fears over leaving the comforting-but-frustrating familiarity of talking to her once a week.
Sikh is going to send me suggested times for a week or two from now. He's busy!
hugs
Hops
-
Ya, maybe takeing a "break" from therapy would feel less upsetting.
Good point: )
Lighter
-
Oh, you mean telling her that, rather than mentioning the Sikh?
Hmmm, hadn't thought of that. Feels dishonest but maybe it'd be fine.
I'll wait and see how it goes with him.
Thanks for the idea. (I'm not thinking of taking a break from therapy, just maybe from the present T. Dunno if I was confusing.)
hugs
Hops
-
Yes, just a break from your current T.... doesn't have to be forever. You don't honestly know what you'll do.
Lighter
-
With all the heart stuff, it hit me that this is probably not a good time to pull the plug on present T. I may not need the stress of more change at this time. I will still talk to the Sihk at least once (appt next week) but think I have fear that he might be well-intendedly confrontational in a way, and I'm not going to battle/fight/confront myself; much too shaky right now. I might just tell him that, see what he says.
What I'm doing proactively. I've asked several friends if any would commit to a short (like silly short) walks/week with me once the heat wave passes (maybe 3 people once a week, 10-20 minute slowwww walk). A couple can; one's away. I believe once I've done that for a couple months, my fear of walking alone will ease.
I've lined up a "pastoral visitor." These are trained volunteers (from church, but there's no God or dogma expected, just guided by whatever your individual spirituality -- or lack of it -- is) who spend time with you twice a month (visit or Zoom). They're trained in empathic listening and skilled at being present and compassionate. It's another dimension of healing, I think, that I've been avoiding (the spiritual side).
I'm also going to reach out to a couple people in the congregation I know (not well, but over time) who meditate and ask about that. I think I would benefit from meditating with others, rather than always alone. There used to be a group. I am not interested in the Buddhist sangha or saying Ohm with anybody; told the minister I'm looking for secular meditation for squirrels. LOL.
The sweet woman from my Village board and I have begun our "time swap" or "help swap" for decluttering. Just having another human present to plow through piled-up papers is huge and we got a start. I go to her place later this week to offer the same.
Generally, I'm struggling on with anxiety and way too many days where the phone doesn't ring. My friend P said yes, you need to reach out and build your social support newwork; you also need to know people will reach out to you. I hope I'm creating new opportunities for that to happen.
hugs
Hops
-
Good shifts and confluences, I think.
Last T appt (next is tomorow) went unusually well.
I think because I opened up a lot more and told T that I think I have trouble trusting, and various sequelae from that. I did feel I was opening more and risking more with her, and it was one of the first sessions in a long time I'd call productive. It's possible it signals a breakthrough or shift with her (and me), and I look forward to seeing what happens over the next month or so.
Meanwhile, just had my second (last for now) teletherapy appt with the Sikh. I felt so understood and recognized that what I appreciate particularly about him is not only feeling understood and heard, but also how perceptive he is. Not just about current tales and symptoms and catch-up stories, but he focuses on what things mean. He focuses his lens on asking perceptive questions that invite me to see myself in a broader light.
He's offered me all the time I want to take to decide whether/when to move on from present-T, and I feel extremely grateful for that. He doesn't think my brief "avoid-decision" fantasy of seeing them alternately, is a good idea, as I could drain energy trying to reconcile their different perspectives. Oddly, he's also dealt with a recent heart diagnosis, and that was comforting too. I generally think more understanding and inspiration lies in his direction.
But I will stay open for a while with present-T for now. Just to see if it was my resistance that has blocked me mostly. Or even maybe just gradually getting to a positive farewell. Not sure the reason really matters, but feeling stuck is feeling stuck. Talking with the Sikh, I felt more invited to care more intensely about my own life again. (The fact that he met and "got" M was a big help too, as M is a good stand-in for my recurring relationships with narcisssists over the years.)
hugs
Hops
-
What a hopeful update, Hops!
That you're relaxing into the process..... refusing to pressure yourself or feel pressured is really great.
You'll know what to do when you do it!
Trust yourself.
Lighter
-
How're ya doin with this wet gray weather Hops? Are your changes helping?
Right after B left, I developed some kind of blockage in my left ear. It's kinda got sinus pressure combined with it to. Messin' with my sense of balance and where my body is in space. Been working on it, and it's better. It's DEFINITELY triggered by the weather but I suspect I also have enough quiet time that I'm maybe paying too much attention to things like this, too.
After lunch and a few chores, I think I'm gonna head for the studio and see if I can get some more curtains ironed and the rods up. Hol already got the new blinds up while I fought with one rod. Then, collect up all the cardboard and old blinds for the trash next week. Finish moving the work tables, etc to get ready to make things!
-
Thanks for checking, (((((Amber))))).
I'd say therapy-wise I'm doing better. May eventually make the change but feel safer sticking with present-T as winter rolls in. I'll see how I feel about it in spring.
I've been on an emotional roller coaster since the heart disease diagnosis. Episodes of chest pain still happen (one while I was driving yesterday) and I remain unsure which is angina and which is anxiety. I dunno if the new meds are helping or will kill me. It makes me miserable but this morning I got some focus.
We're all gonna die. For some reason (maybe because the sun's out) I walked through my house with its many paper piles and saw anew how lovely and cozy it is. And I thought how wonderful it would be to declutter successfully, simplify more, downsize more, streamline, just make it a more simple, pure, peaceful physical space for my D to inherit (today's her 42nd birthday). Rather than sad, it made me happy. I think because it gave me a feeling of purpose, which I've been lacking for many years. The woman I'm declutter-time-swapping with returns tomorrow. It's quite slow with her but it IS progress.
Another thing that just helped was that after the chest pain yesterday (I abandoned picking up a grocery order --felt too weak-- and just went home) I wrote a blast-of-anguish kind of message to Poet, and she responded with great understanding. Sometimes she doesn't show empathy so I assume she doesn't have it to give, but that's not really true. So that was a huge help, and we're Zooming later on, which comforts us both.
Comforts me to read about my busy, never-say-die pal Amber on her mountain, too!
hugs
Hops
-
I'm glad your poet friend is coming through for you Hops, it's nice when the support you've given out over time comes back your way. I'm sorry the chest pain is still a problem. It's horrible when it happens, especially if you don't get warning it's coming. Do you have to go for regular checks now or do they wait for you to go back if you feel you need to? I hope they're able to offer a bit more 'something' to help manage it, whatever that might be.
I read a really good book a while ago and of course I can't remember the name or who it was by, but it was a swedish lady and apparently in Sweden they have a word for that decluttering process (and I've forgotten that as well lol). But it was a nice read, she talked about how much satisfaction she got from gifting precious items to people, making up photo albums and story books about the family and events from the past, giving things to charity shops and homeless shelters, just generally stripping everything back so that her days were filled with doing rather than stuff and knowing that people were enjoying things. I liked the sound of it all, I've a huge box of photos and notes I want to write up into books for son but I rarely get the time to get on with it. I hope the decluttering continues to go well, anyway, and that the chest pain settles a bit xx
PS When my time comes I am definitely coming back as a ghost but I'm going to be a helpful one and tidy up for people after they've gone to bed and track down their lost keys, that sort of thing :) Lol x
-
Swedish Death Cleaning is the book, Tupp. A good one, though I recall M was horrified when he learned the author was SO efficient she'd euthanized her inconvenient old dog. But I got the point of it. Without family (other than D, who'll just find the house as is, with things she loved kept for her) -- I don't have the sentimental parts to worry about. I'm just focused (ironic word choice there) on focusing. Getting the basics of paper organizing/filing done and gone. I'm not all digital nor want to be, but have made some headway. Crawling pace.
And I figure if I die in the middle of it, so be it! I enjoyed the Marie Kondo specials on Netflix and might watch them again for inspiration.
Your description of caving into distractions was a perfect mirror of my daily life. What I admire is that you fight to progress, a whole lot harder than I do.
hugs
Hops
-
Oh was that the name of it, I thought it was just one word lol, I must be thinking of another book as well :) Yeah I got the thing about the dog, they were moving a long way or something, weren't they? I wouldn't subject our kitty to a very lengthy move or quarantine stay, the nine hours it took to get here were enough :) I hope it didn't sound like I meant it's what you ought to be doing, sorry, I just realised it might have sounded insensitive, it was just you saying about how lovely the house was and then mentioning your D having it made me think of how nice that book had been because it focused on all the giving away of things. I was thinking of the decluttering bit, not the end bit! Have you got lots of paperwork that you need to keep or is it all going in the shredder? xx
-
I wasn't feeling criticized one bit, Tupp! Just remembered that book from a torrent of frugality and simplicity reading I was doing some time back.
My big obstacle isn't the concept of it all, which I love (not quite to minimalism but definitely toward voluntary simplicity) -- the obstacle is unfocused brain plus laziness plus, I dunno.
The goal is shining, lovely, ultimately wonderful. I have to work, as usual, on caring enough to fight for it. Being motivated enough. I think I'm one thin layer closer to uncovering some motivation. Maybe the heart diagnosis/scare has helped that. Hmmm. Silver lining? (And yes, I have regular followup appointments, plus the GP recently increased one Rx -- related to nitroglycerin, but longer-acting. My chest is acting up some but I think it's about adapting to the new biochem climate in my body with the introduction of these Rx. Or just the anxiety surge of recent months, which may be ebbing. We'll see. I see the cardiologist next month.)
hugs
Hops
-
I'm glad there's continued input from the docs, Hopsie, and that my earlier post hadn't sounded a bit dodgy! I had a moment when I re-read it when it seemed it might not sound the way I meant it to :) Truthfully my motivation is really more than son needs things from me and that I want to be around (and functioning!) for as long as possible for his sake. I think I'd have succumbed to some sort of deep dark pit long ago without him to keep me in check xx
-
I know what you mean about how taking care of someone else keeps one out of the pit, Tupp. It's a strange thing, because if that gets soooo out of balance (as it did with me and my Nmom and D, and you at times with your terrors for Son) you think you might die from the stress....then you're in the dark pit anyway. But I know it does give me purpose.
Pooch every day; crows yesterday. The day before that I made an enormous pot of veggie soup again (minus the previous oops with the hot sauce, to each to add their own!). Was so excited to have it to share with neighbors. Pooch and I went up and down the block leaving jars of it on four porches with little notes, late at night. Next day I realized I'd kept only enough for myself to have two bowls, and the initial plan was about my health, to ensure I was eating more nutrition ongoingly by always having something healthy in the freezer that could last me a week or more. Soup is that thing for me, if it's really jammed with veggies (as this one is).
So today I need to make another batch. This time to freeze. It's a lot of prep and chopping and cleanup. The out-of-balance thing was not realizing I'd stinted myself with the whole plan. But it was nice to get happy notes and emails back, when they returned the jars.
I think the changing light is lovely, but have a wary eye on winter. I know you do too, especially with energy worries. But you sound so enterprising and prepared. I'm not too worried about staying warm in a brief power outage, but the world is spinning faster than usual and there's so much trouble in so many places. I'm trying to build in some emotional resilience that drained away during the initial heart scare stuff.
T work is going better. I'm pushing myself to reach out more, schedule more visits, make more calls. Anxiety is like that. Isolation can make it roar.
Thanks for listening to this ramble!
hugs
Hops
-
The soup sounds like a brilliant idea, Hops, and it's nice to share it around. Be great if you start finding little healthy food parcels on your doorstep every now and again - that's assuming that the crows don't get to it first! I know what you mean about people and their needs; there's such a fine line between your own needs and those of the people you love. It's very hard to tread that carefully and not be swamped by other people at times. I'm glad the crows returned. Reaching out and scheduling social contact is a good idea, especially to get in place before the real winter sets in.
-
Since we're all human, chances are we won't often get that balance correct between taking care of others & putting ourselves first. But, to keep trying does build up the experiential awareness and help us decide what's right for us in that moment/relationship.
Totally agree on the world spinning off it's axle. No matter what your perspective is on world events - everyone is dealing with at least increased low level anxiety these days. And even though I only have to look around the farm to see that in my little corner of the world - things are still just fine; and nature's at the controls of the order around here - some days it gets to me too. Hol & I frequently throw ideas at the wall for solutions - but we also know full well no one (who could implement any solution) ever asks US and wouldn't listen to us, if we did get on a soapbox.