Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ellie on December 19, 2004, 12:36:43 PM
-
Merry Chrstimas all!
Our family received cards form my Nparents this week. They send money for Christmas each year. We were not sure if we would hear from them this year. But like clockwork, Nmom sent out cards to each of us. But since we do not speak anymore, I guess she wanted to know that they arrived so for the first time she sent them certified so we had to sign for them.
The card to hubby and I was just a generic card with love mom and dad and a small check. The card to each of my kids was age inappropriate - too young for my younger two and too old for my oldest. She sent them each a check wrapped in a note with her address stamped to the note paper. In each note she wrote something about not seeing them for so long - all she wated for Christmas was to see them, and a long bout about how old she is getting.
It was as though she knows I don't listen or care anymore about her whining so she now has to pass this guilt, shame, whining on to my kids. She comes very close (reading between the lines since I know her so well) to accusing them for her unhappiness. When she called in the past her voice always sounded like she was dying. When she wrote letters she always sounded so sad. She now passes these expressions to my kids.
It's amazing though because a year ago - before I knew about Nsism and had read so much, I would have thought she was reaching insanity. Now, reading these notes, I just see how N she is.
It will be interesting to see if anyone from my family even calls this year. They have ignored us now for almost a year = siblings and their families that is. We did not send anything to Nparents or rest of the family - no cards - no kids pictures - no gifts.
Gift giving to me is showing someone you care. I do not care about the lot of them anymore - so I decided to not be hypocritical. It's making my holidays much merrier!
-
Thanks for sharing this experience, Ellie. I am having the same type of Christmas as you describe -- not sending gifts, cards or novelties to family members who have either ignored or treated me poorly. This is new behavior for me. I am only sending my Mom a card this year and made an announcement in October, after enduring more family fireworks and dysfunction, that I wouldn't be making holiday plans with or around family. This was in light of discovering there had been a family gathering where we (my daughter and me) specifically weren't invited. Instead I was told we "could come any other weekend if we wanted to get away for a break." This all came on the heels of the aftermath of breaking it off with my N; an excruciating time.
So I am not observing any of the 'traditional' modes of Christmas gift exchange or sending cards/photos. Count me out for this year. My daughter will be with her Dad. And I am spending Christmas Eve with some dear friends and Christmas Day with a college chum and her family.
As for your N-Mom trying to heap guilt onto your kids -- good for you in recognizing it for what it is and protecting them from this type of balderdash and histrionics.
I don't know why some families have to be so complicated and dysfunctional. I guess in our case it was growing up and being raised by an NPD-alcoholic-Dad with the classically codependent Mom who protected him at all costs. For a while my sibs and I were probably too close -- enmeshed -- but oddly, after my Dad died, things fell to pieces.
Best to you, Ellie. Have a Merry and Blessed Christmas!
-
Christmas brings out the worst in these people. I think it is the Messiah thing; the Ns want to be centre stage and be where it is at. We have to be the shepherds and wise men and flock to see them, with awe and wonder, bringing either gold, frankincense and myrrh, or failing that, everything we are, to sacrifice to them.
-
Gift giving to me is showing someone you care. I do not care about the lot of them anymore - so I decided to not be hypocritical. It's making my holidays much merrier!
Hi Ellie,
Glad you are having merrier holidays!
I sensed an absense of depression this year during Christmas. It was like a huge weight was lifted off of me. My mom made the holidays a nightmare. This year I actually enjoyed shopping last week. For the last few years I didn't even go shopping for gifts around Christmas. My husband did shopping for me. All the decorations and happy music of the stores really depressed me. It is amazing how having things straight and in the open has freed me this holiday season. Things are getting better for our family.
Have a great 2006, Ellie and everyone here on the board.!
edit Ha! I wrote 2006. Maybe I'm looking forward to the future with optimism.