Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: sKePTiKal on January 13, 2023, 09:46:48 AM
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I remember 1971 & '72, as grueling years. Yeah, it was high school - but outside of school, life was pretty bleak & dreary; politics an absolute shitshow; a gas shortage & deep recession. But in 1973, things started to mellow out - cheer up a little bit. National mood-wise. Maybe that was a cycle that will repeat, all these decades later? I don't think I'm actually HOPING that's the case, but I see a sliver of possibility that it could happen - instead of dire & doomy predictions all around us. OR, perhaps the mood will lift because if the doom-predictions become a reality, at least THEN, there will be more things in the control of individuals again, to manage and arrange their lives.
I dunno.
But it's that time of year when I hop on the mental/imaginary cosmic visionary flight way outside of the mundane to TRY to see as objectively as I can just WTH is going on right now, what consequences these actions are likely to produce, and to assess where, in & amongst all that, I can continue creating a life in this existence. And that's where "the list" of projects comes from.
I mentioned on CB's checkin thread that B now has the appt for part 2 of his pain mask. Since '94, he's had multiples of this "mask", with varying lifespans. Battery technology is better now, so the stimulator (for his spinal nerves) is expected to last 10 yrs, instead of 4. For the last 7 years - he's muddled through without ANY of it, due to bureaucratic snafus/glitches and what constitutes medical negligence or malpractice (IMO) at the other end. But a lot of his frustration there is due to an association of the pain itself (which, unmanaged, is out of his control) with the recent "modernization" of healthcare/insurance utilizing many many digital/telephonic "gatekeepers" and people who never see or speak to the doctors themselves. Which association, means that the simple process of seeking & receiving treatment, feels out of his control to him. It just dawned on me a couple days ago, that this association was a real thing he experiences. I wonder if pain management docs KNOW THIS?
The bio-neuro connection with pain is common knowledge. That's the reason "pain" is subjective; everyone feels it differently. But add in the further psychological neurology... and that seems to be out beyond the knowledgebase of the doc's experience. Curiosity - along with finding the "sweet spot" for B's wellbeing (yeah, a lot of this is his participation) - is fueling some cross-referencing research.
The medicinal herbal stuff is big on my "list" right now; focusing on the growing part of it - and dabbling in the application of them, as indicated/needed. We're possibly going to change the garden location; discussion continues.
Making things - sewing, possibly some furniture design/building - is also on the list; but it's an "as life allows" priority.
Business stuff is the main "project of the day", with taxes being prepared (and that's always a shell game, guessing game as to how much that's going to cost), choosing a new bank for most of our financial business, and beginning to talk about and design a succession plan. My bro's kids are 20 years younger than Hol, so there's a disparity in maturity levels & experience there. I'm hoping to kick that project off this spring. No idea how much my bro actually understands or has explained to his kids... or what they actually want (at this moment in time) for themselves. I'm not looking forward to the travel involved; but I did want to take B through Amish country.
Hol & I have worked through issues (both personal & interpersonal) and are at a pretty cozy plateau. She & S seem to have found more common ground also and he's finally feeling secure enough to open up more. This year, he bought her the 8 Hannukah presents and she was pleasantly delighted. And he participated more actively as host, during her party last weekend. He's even speaking to B! Who projects "grumpapotamus old man" to keep annoying people at a distance, and it's starting to work NOT in his favor. He is making efforts to get to know the people who are around here though.
Amber is..... just letting things change, be different. And having fun in the process. Expectations have been traded in for discovery & exploration; a bit more openness - even tho I still cherish my privacy nature a lot. Quiet time is still very much needed. But that's balanced now with a lot more energy & activity.
I don't have to have detailed blueprints prior to going out & just "doing" or "being".
So, it's all one big WHEEEEEEEEEEE! right now.
:D
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I am pondering how quickly interpersonal relations can go from relatively smooth to everyone feeling they've been wronged somehow. Part of it involves exact words used - and then individual's perception of some motive or subtext behind that word greater than the meaning intended. Sensitivity seems to lead people to take personal offense sometimes.
B found someone selling a couple of 10 yr old 4-wheelers, that had sat out a couple years and weren't running. He's worked on these a long time and has a lot of spare parts already. I wasn't sure I wanted to spend the money (and his time) so I asked Hol if she and S were interested in one, if they weren't in too bad shape. S agreed immediately. These are economical on gas and with this much property, they're great for getting around. B even pulls my trailer with the side by side Ranger.k
We set a day to go look, went to the bank, and made the drive - a couple hours. The jeep I bought doesn't have a lot of oomph up hills and on the highway, it was getting nerve-wracking with all the big trucks. So, I got off a town shy of our destination for the two-lane that parallels the highway. Found a lovely 50s diner with excellent food - and jukeboxes! - for lunch. Then, we got lost because my dowloaded directions were as outdated as my knowledge of that city (like, things change a LOT in 30 years)... but finally made it to farm field to check them out. Surrounding by cows and new calves... cuties! We negotiated a lower price; he agreed and B & I loaded the trailer.
Drove the 2 lane more of the way home, rather than the highway because it was getting on toward rush hour and I wanted B to see that this other road wasn't all that deserted. All in all, a fun day out, right?
Well, S took a look at them the next morning and mentioned to Hol which one he liked (only 1 is 4x4). And he is correct, that one is better for their purposes. But B has the same purposes! ;D And then, since he was in a grumpy mood to start with, that resulted in him spending the day in the shop and not saying much to either me or Hol. Hol took the silence to mean he was angry about something (he was; but not anything concerning her)... and then that turned into a whole cluster misunderstanding.
All because people took things too personally and viewed it ONLY thru their personal perceptual "translators".
I don't know if that makes sense to y'all; if you know what I'm talking about. But I have seen this dynamic before in groups of people that spend a greater amount of time working & living in close proximity. It's still easier to resolve & move on from this kind of thing in the small group than it is out in the "wider world". Out there, these kinds of misunderstanding take on a life of it's own and get exaggerated and become weaponized against whole groups of people.
SIGH. Humans haven't really evolved much, have we?
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SO much going on for you right now, Amber.
Between B, the kids, the mountain, the projects, and the company changes...OY.
It's just sounding like a LOT a LOT a LOT.
Hope the self-care will be steady and you'll see you can't manage it all. Dunno if it'll be WHEE any time soon, but you sound as though you're looking for the right perspective on things, and mainly finding it.
I loved your perception about pain and the system, and how the anticipation of the gatekeeping is actually part of B's pain. That makes total sense to me. Very smart.
I dunno if most people get their heads up in the fire tower and see things from a bigger picture perspective as readily as you can. It must be frustrating to feel alone up there. But if it comforts you to take the satellite view, then it's helpful.
I am more earthworm perspective these days. Just hoping when the hoe-chop finally comes, part of me will wiggle off to a pleasant new clod.
hugs
Hops
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I am still finding WHEE... where I can Hops. Like every phase in life - this too shall pass. Things change, never were in our control (and we make ourselves miserable TRYING to control the uncontrollable)... and yes, getting far enough away to see a bigger picture helps me.
I abruptly stopped reading some total schlock (I've been hiding out there for years now) and grabbed a couple of Cormac McCarthy books; 2 part series. "The Passenger" and "Stella Maris". I think these are more recent than his works I've read. Definitely more challenging. I'm still on the first book, and the only description I can give is that it reminds me of James Joyce - Ulysses. Plot-wise, there's a brother who's survived his beloved sister and isn't functioning too well, out in life. The sister was institutionalized (self-committed, I believe) and there are clues that both siblings are geniuses, but schizophrenic also. (The tendency for artists to be slightly mad is pretty well known so I'm wondering if this isn't a bit autobiographical.)
I USED to read a much higher level of fiction, on a regular basis way back when. BT - before therapy. When I was still on a quest for "answers". I was looking for clues and would analyze every breadcrumb I encountered. There USED to be a lot more of it maybe, or perhaps since that was what I was looking for - I found more of it. Anyway, it's probably been 20 years since I let myself enter the world of an author who is "difficult", in one way or another. Cormac is pretty bleak. Even "All the Pretty Horses" - with the gorgeous painted descriptives of the Rocky Mtn. landscape - was a bleak story. He wrote the post-apocalyptic book "The Road", too. THAT is a hard movie to watch; coincidentally Hol's boss was special effects on the movie version and met Cormac. The impression left, was that Cormac constantly thought he was smarter and better than everyone else. But I see more self-judgement/dislike coming through in some of the writing.
I'd have to get out my oxford dictionary, to look up some of the unusual words that get gratutitously strewn through the dialogue and narrative. I read mostly in bed and am NOT getting up to look up a word... so I just read the "sense" of the word, as it's used. The man seems obsessed with obscure language - as if he's trying to earn a merit badge. Or maybe that level of obsession is part of how his brain is mis-wired. I dunno.
But, it's interesting to see that I'm less susceptible to his bleakness, nowadays. It's "other" even as intimitely I engage his writing. The inquiry and search for answers of the main character, as I read, is generating some bizarre dreams for me... and I'm mostly understanding them, as my subconscious still processing some of the experiences I've lived and the relational, emotional side of things. There aren't any important "messages" for my conscious self in them. No revealed "wisdom" or insights. So, just acknowledging and letting them go.
This year, this is my winter "hibernation". Meanwhile, I'm starting this new relationship in the full "reality" (avoiding fantasy to the best of my ability) and helping Hol understand some of what middle-aged is like and teaching her some of what she'll need to know when it's her turn to guide the business. Yeah, I got my herb seeds & plants ordered too. Didn't need many veggies, I have a goodly inventory. B and I have been discussing orchard & berries - and planting plans. I'm also playing around again with a living room revamp; it's just a couple major pieces - carpet & sofa - but there isn't anything wrong with the old ones except wear & tear from dogs, cats & kids. But my choices are "meh"; nothing exciting, even though a thick wool red rug is definitely going to make a statement.
Looks like we're going to have a warmer February and then, March is going to bring surprises. So I've got a few weeks to struggle through the tech glitches involved in me filing my taxes this year. (And that's another tale for another day.)
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So....Amber....does S believe the 4x4 should go to him, instead of the person who found the deal, pulled the trigger, loaded, transported and carried out the repair on these items?
Personally, I think repairing and selling the non 4x4, to offset the expense of the 4x4 resolves the issue.
S can find and do his own deal if he wants something specific. He should have a 4x4. I agree. Just no B's.
I hope things resolve and you're prepped for Spring on time.
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No, S was merely stating his preference. B, on the other hand - saw exactly that, that S was expecting to have his pick. Hence: miscommunication, with triggered patterns being applied on an ASSUMPTION/PERCEPTION that wasn't accurate... and absolutely no attempt to communicate about it and ask questions/clarify/ or anything. Just judgement...
and Hol & I were trying figure out just WTH was going on and why. Partly, B was grumpy over other things... and just pulled this reaction from his limited pocket of triggered reactions/"tricks". Sigh. Unfortunately, that IS the kind of behavior he's experienced from a LOT of people that proclaimed they were his buddies, or brothers in arms, etc. Hol & S are perfectly capable of getting their own - and that's the solution we settled on, between us girls.
No big deal between US. But for B, it was like waving a red flag in front of a bull. And he hasn't really gotten to know S yet. S and he HAVE been cooperating on some projects around here... successfully communicating even... but B very much judges S on leaving Hol to do the physical work around here, instead of pitching in and doing it himself (and it's really none of his business; it's between Hol & S) and my very vocal, explicit D told him so, in no uncertain terms. LOL.
I THINK it's all growing pains - assimilation into the pack issues. And as far as Hol & I are concerned should be blowing over & everyone moving on. No reason to suspect otherwise... so far.
Obviously, there's some male ego involved. I know the background, the why... and I'm wanting to avoid any unjustified conflicts or territorial issues. Hol has the same interest... so until the boys spend enough time together to get to know each other better we're kinda comparing notes and supporting each other's wish to keep the peace and avoid misunderstandings that fester into resentments... that become issues to be resolved. B & S come from VERY different kinds of male experiences... so some translators are required.
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Oooof.
Sounds like B is judging S on very traditional masculinity expectations.
And good for Hol for setting him straight.
head down, hoping for the best...
Hops
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In the big picture scale of things going on, the misunderstanding isn't very important or huge. It's going to happen, no matter the combination of people. Just one of the challenges of multi-generational "cooperative" living. That one resolved... and people moving on.
It's quiet days here, too. Projects waiting for better weather, etc. Still, there are things that can be done so we're plodding on. And tax season is a hurry up & wait too. A lot of stuff I have to pass on to CPA won't be available for a couple more weeks.
We're all in what we call "slug mode"; piddling around with things. Part two of B's pain mask is temporarily installed in a couple weeks; if that is satisfactory... then the full surgery will happen shortly thereafter. So, he's probably here till some time in March.
There are a couple more trips to get all his stuff here. I'm hoping we have room for it. Hol & I are gonna need to plan our run to MI, too. It would help if B were here, to manage the animal situation. But, we'll see what we can do. Once the gardens go in, then there's even more need to stick close to home. Juggling all that, is a bit of a trick. Yeah, there's zoom; facetime. But this kind of thing works better face to face, I think.
Today's gourmet delight will probably be a big pot of chili. Still consolidating and trying to finish off the product of my frenzy of holiday baking. Some things are keeping better than others; my toffee didn't quite set firm enough.
So, it's a very slow life around here right now. Soon to change! as soon as the weather permits and we get B running as smoothly as possible, physically.
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Ohhh, chili!
We made a couple pots of chili mac on the island and it was SO good. Didn't last an hour.
You're so right about problems popping up, Amber....the COWs. Crisis if the week.
Good the last problem blew over. I hope MI, animals and gardens get handled in the best possible way very soon.
Lighter
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I didn't know the family enterprise was in MI, thought it was MD. Duh. Hope that trip goes well for you and Hol.
The idea of you having a slow time is really nice. And, to hear less of an overwhelming project list and more just...being...is nice too.
The patience and commitment you've shown B as he takes freaking forever to get all the way moved has been nothing less than heroic. I'm figuring you really, really love this man. :)
I hope the rest of winter encourages the making of lots more slow-cooked nourishment for YOU.
hugs
Hops
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So, B started a week's trial of the spinal stimulator on Wednesday. Only the leads (there are 12) are surgically implanted. And by Thursday, it was clear that another big chunk of pain had been lifted from him. :D My energizer bunny is back!
The manufacturer's rep calls to check on him every day. We're going to try to expedite the appt for the full implant starting today. It's going to require driving into the big city again, but Hol said she'd drive. S understands her time/energy in support... B is really helping, even before getting the pain relief. And we're happy. This is the absolute easiest new relationship ever.
It's not lost on me, how much acute pain impacts the brain, and also the psychology of a person. And of course, people have reacted to B's struggle to live with it. Telling him all kinds of inaccurate & unkind things - attributing it to his character & personality... when he was simply coping and trying to live life, the best he could. For whatever reason, I could see him beyond all that - and he's demonstrated his real self enough times to me (and Hol) that we're truly impatient for him to finish up getting all his pain relief so we can start doing some other things. More fun things!
It's satisfying to watch the tangled mess of bureaucracy he's dealt with for years, finally get untangled and have the treatments delivered that he knows works. He is the last surviving member of a 10 person trial of this pain mask treatment, organized shortly after he was injured. He was told he'd never walk again, but that didn't work for him, and he proved those docs wrong in a couple of months. 30 years later, he's still pushing forward - one step at a time.
I'm spoiling him, as much as I can. It's going to be awful for him, after finally feelng this much relief - to have the temporary stimulator removed and then wait for the surgery appt. But we'll get through it; we'll figure out a way to keep his mind distracted, as much as possible. Looks like he'll be staying through March, this time. Maybe April. He can't believe I've stuck with him, these years, fighting through the tangles & confusion & days he just couldn't tolerate the pain...without going all demanding & selfish & blaming him, for what he can't control. He's had a series of crappy relationships and fly by night friends. I'm just a bit weird; different than that. It's not the way either I or Hol live; we're more choosy about the recipients of that loyalty these days. Reciprocity - not in a balance sheet fashion - but reciprocity of giving/caring is a requirement.
All in all, things on the farm are pretty good this spring.
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That's all good, Amber. What a relief to read B HAS a solution, appt and support for pain relief implant.
I see you're focused on the relief and forward movement....as you should be. Well done. Amazing and fantastical, considering the roadblocks you guys have overcome.
I'm praying this implant delivers all the relief and motion possible for B.
It looks like you're going to have a very productive Spring🌱🌻🐝
Lighter
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I am awed, just awed.
And so happy for you and B.
The idea of that man getting out of the pain that has tormented him for decades is just joy.
I'm sorry about the necessary painful interval but he is so so so lucky to be going through all this with your deliberate and enlightened and detailed support.
Brava, brava, brava!
hugs
Hops
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Amber, this article is heavy and hard, but you and B will completely relate to the parts of it about the VA. And probably other elements.
It might be triggering so y'all may choose not to read it, but I thought about B's VA experiences as I read it. In some way it might feel empowering and validating for you both to read it, which is why I share it.
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/02/21/magazine/ian-fishback.html?unlocked_article_code=m9UTl2EpbUNZic3A0yTjtXW_dTZrAG47HRGMBnsaEDQQvTNfbZHFHjz84nIEvEvp9UyvoJ6s57n0FAAyMuAXQRgSZ7rhibFJ9mzb4xnX4kl9BliZzsuhXFPzTV2g584uwEow7mwNRq6Wh5_eNu163qCe68DHAOCdIRyIiV_iwzXCOGRLnUrIQKqUjIRmj3b4tH6xq10-wL-4fDMH8GlLlij4APDmXnrXaTLAJPQte_kKH2Tyop8620WQ6-wfmUj1RD5fgIWu3LwSjpCPDLNtLKc3NbjO6KJzkvR_97HT87ihX9FyzDDkNXD5W9gfGLgzo3o9WqwbVA&smid=url-share (https://www.nytimes.com/2023/02/21/magazine/ian-fishback.html?unlocked_article_code=m9UTl2EpbUNZic3A0yTjtXW_dTZrAG47HRGMBnsaEDQQvTNfbZHFHjz84nIEvEvp9UyvoJ6s57n0FAAyMuAXQRgSZ7rhibFJ9mzb4xnX4kl9BliZzsuhXFPzTV2g584uwEow7mwNRq6Wh5_eNu163qCe68DHAOCdIRyIiV_iwzXCOGRLnUrIQKqUjIRmj3b4tH6xq10-wL-4fDMH8GlLlij4APDmXnrXaTLAJPQte_kKH2Tyop8620WQ6-wfmUj1RD5fgIWu3LwSjpCPDLNtLKc3NbjO6KJzkvR_97HT87ihX9FyzDDkNXD5W9gfGLgzo3o9WqwbVA&smid=url-share)
hugs,
Hops
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Yup, that's actually B's experience with the whole healthcare for veterans system, too. But one of the things that jumped out of the article at me - is the cognitive dissonance between "words being said" -- and the actual experienced reality, both in/out of active duty. There is an entire novel to be written about the level of obfuscation of this "caring" (HA) institution and how veterans are treated by the same gov't that promises them the world in benefits, for putting their lives at risk so the politicians don't have to fight their own fights.
Then, there's the issue of the type of care offered - if you provide feedback to them, that it's not helping or creating new, additional issues (particularly in the realm of Rx's) - then, you are effectively "resisting" and "refusing treatment". Essentiallly, the system is denying the patient any agency of their own body, mind and told not to question the so-called "treatment".
His current team of surgeon, NPs and nurses are at the other end of the spectrum. We like them a LOT; he can talk to them & ask questions and receive answers that are helpful. The bureaucracy side of things is still the trickiest for him. Any little hiccup, and he is convinced that all the same bad treatment is happening again. I refuse to let him settle into that black hole... and he owes me $20, since I bet him he'd have a surgery appt before Friday (yesterday). I mostly interact with the staff on all that kind of thing... and I made it a point to explain that a long duration between the test stimulator relief (which was very impressive) and the surgery for the implant would be excruciating - the pain amplified, by recent relief. It's basic psychology and human experience, ya know?
So yeah, we drive to MD again for the implant surgery on 3/17. If the insurance doesn't approve the permanent surgery... we'll know 2 days prior to that date. Hol is driving because of DC traffic... and that lets me focus on him. It's a whole brand new experience for him, to have this kind of support and advocacy... and it's having a positive impact on his attitude toward a lot of things. I see him opening up more and interacting with friends more than ever before. He's got a lot to contribute.
And that week he rated his pain level a 1 instead of 8-9... (during the test)... he practically beamed in amazement. Everything about him relaxed, his gait smoothed out, even his hands didn't hurt (and yeah, he still has arthritis in his hands).
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Thinking of you and B today, Amber, and hoping B heard two days ago that his insurance would cover the permanent implant procedure. So now you and Hol and B might be on your way to get 'er done. I hope so.
Meanwhile, itching to tell you I rented Women Talking on Prime and it's among the best $6 I've ever spent. I think in a way many dialogues here have held elements of what those women went through in the 1920s. SO moving, fascinating and real. I've never seen the subject addressed in any film or TV show in a way that includes the element of spirituality, and for that time, their words were very believable. Remarkable movie with amazing actors.
hugs
Hops
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Just watched it again last night with my friend Debbie. Not that I was all that focused on it - sigh. Long story.
And B's surgery was rescheduled to the 31st; surgery was approved but NOT the anasthetic required... go figure. Doc won't do it without... so far, he's handling the disappointment & frustration better than I am.
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Damn.
I hope there are options to get the anesthetic that won't bankrupt him or you.
It's enough to make one go postal, or go medical...
Fingers crossed that between now and then you'll win coverage. How f*ing infuriating.
Grrrrrrrrr,
Hops
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We'll get some answers on Thursday Hops. Thanks.
Meanwhile, Hol & S are having a soap opera meltdown of epic proportions. He couldn't be bothered to help her clean up after the chimney fire (which he wasn't here for)... and criticized HOW she was cleaning. Add to that, the fact that he's only financially contributed to their household expenses for 2 months out of 4 years.... and well, one look at her face reveals how pissed off she is. Justifiably so, IMO. BUT... she continues to make excuses for him, and allow for his procrastination - and he's comfortably living a cushy life while she does all the "have tos". Yes, he plants and does things... but ONLY what he wants to do. He's manipulated her into tolerating this, because she has self-describe "abandonment issues". (Yeah, we'll speak about that at some point because it dismissing all the years I've had her back. Right now, she has enough to sort out.) He still hasn't helped her get started on building the greenhouse - that HE said they needed. Pieces have been sitting 2 years in her garage.
Fortunately there will be a couple days' peace, as S is off working again. B & I have a busy week, and I have to put on some other hats for awhile and get busy.
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Ouch. Wouldn't know whether to comment or not in your shoes...
given my very recent "slips" I'd say not, but it must be really hard to watch.
hugs
Hops
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Amber:
I hope the delayed surgery goes forward with the best possible outcome. Lord knows, it's years overdo.
I don't know what you can change in this equation. Maybe, consider a Go Fund page, sooner than later, to fill the known gaps you're encountering.
B has a long road.....one surgery won't be the end of his needs.....drug refills....whatever comes next shouldn't depend on the VA decision makers, imo.
Sorry to hear Hol's suffering. I hope she figures it out soon.
Lighter
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No financial issues, Lighter - thankfully.
But, you know how much groceries have gone up - and he will only eat certain things, but expects her to pay for everything. He's worked a lot, but there hasn't been any work for Hol since last year. (And for her, this is a separate issue; she doesn't do well in an unstructured environment.) And without his assistance, one person can't do all the things on her project list. It's just physically impossible. And our offered help has been rejected.
This has been building over a couple, three years. I've listened to the complaints repeatedly - alternatiing with the "compassion and tolerance" for "who he is" excuses, too, whenever the decision she's faced with is concisely presented to her. But, again... she seems to be shifting the responsibility for the decision to him instead of accepting that she has the agency to choose, all by herself. (Maybe that's behind her idea that she has abandonment issues??)
But just because a person may have (or may using the implication that they have to manipulate) underlying unspoken about, untreated and unresolved trauma or "issues"... to me, it seems possible to release said person kindly - simply because one can't live that way. Reciprocity seems to be a concept from a foreign universe to him. She CAN choose to simply not allow any partner into her life... without becoming some monster. (see: women talking movie)
Maybe that's a skill I picked up when I couldn't tolerate being, feeling totally alone within the circle of a relationship. Dunno. I don't think it's something "special". It was a choice I made about my life and it took effort, work and a bit of luck. And it still wasn't perfect.
But, respect and loyalty, IMO are still the basic building blocks of "love". As a society or culture, I think we've seldom done a great job at teaching this to kids. We all have stories of how we were fooled, let our own feelings blind us to the reality, etc.
She's a smart kid; creative too. She'll figure it out.
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I couldn't tolerate being, feeling totally alone within the circle of a relationship.
I understand this, and have so admired how you made that choice, Amber. I stayed with M too long partly because of fear of not having resources for a safe future. The internal pressure to leave just got stronger than that fear (which I still live with, but without any regret on that relationship decision). Comes a point we all look in the mirror and recognize what we can live with and what we can't. Or can and won't, rather.
My fierce refusal to be that controlled won't comfort me, when illness and death approach. Especially since I have zero family or person in my life who'll be there for sure. It's been the loneliest and hardest thing to face but I'm doing all I can do hold it close and decide that I can (repeatedly) make peace with reality. This is the price of admission to a life with dignity and reciprocity. If either is under assault, game over. Dignity may be out of my control one day, but I can still make hard choices.
I hope Hol doesn't spend decades trying to realize (in both senses -- make real) her own worth. She's lucky you love her and support her regardless of how stuck she gets. Very lucky.
hugs
Hops
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Oh, from what we talked about last night - she gets it. A couple days alone, a slower pace of cleaning up - and a coincidental connection refresh with an old friend of hers, helped. She has another old friend, that even lives close (a surprise), to go blow steam off with.
Seems this latest blowup between her & S, in the lingering existential ripples of the fire... catapulted her inner work in some surprising directions. She HAS to verbally express things before she begins the real life work, and that's done and polished now. So, we'll see what happens. I'm hoping that I can keep some distance from her for a stretch of time. She is driving us in DC traffic to B's surgical appt. next Friday. Assuming his bureaucratic snafu is untangled.
But, things are still going forward around here on spring chores. Still.
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How is B?
How is Hol?
How are YOU?
hugs
Hops
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Exhausted, about sums it up.
Left the farm around 8 am; arrived to surgicenter an hour early. They took B back upon arrival. Hol drove. Since S was working at the big event center across the highway, they had lunch and a walk together. I read. At 2, I got called back so surgeon could speak to me.
Because B has so much scar tissue on his back (30 some surgeries) Doc couldn't find any place, with a reasonable chance of healing in the leads for a spinal stimulator. Option 1 was, implant a dorsal stimulator instead - leads would go to a different location but also be directly on the nerve. Doc believes this will offer the same level of relief as the other kind. OR, we scrap the surgery that day and start a search for an orthopedic spinal surgeon who was willing to perform longer, more invasive technique on the spine section that is caged (and grown over with bone) -- which I'd guess would take us a 6 month delay, if not longer. So, I made the executive decision for option 1.
They finally got him awake around 3:30. Neither he or I had eaten, so we serendipitously found a Bob Evans on the way home. Hol comes by her moniker of "The Wheelman" honestly. It was a long way home from the DC area on a Friday at rush hour. And she was doing pretty good talking to guy who'd been under for the whole afternoon. It was a long night too - getting him comfortable enough to sleep; me unwound enough to sleep. He just woke up; I'm still groggy. But all in all, I think it went well. It was essentially a 12 hr day.
Hol & S benefitted from a days-long separation while he worked. Talking has been taking place; he helped her move her piano into the hut before he went to work, this week. She's coming clear and has made up her mind what she will/won't accept behavior wise from him... and then leaving him to choose if that's what he wants. We're supposed to get high winds today/tonight... and fortunately, I prepped enough that we can stay home until the pharmacy opens Monday. I'm battening hatches and making cookies for him, today. It'll be a few more days before we'll be able to tell if the dorsal stimulator is going to work well enough for him. In the meantime, I'm back to wound care and healing him up. (oh year; taxes too)
Now that we're PAST this, the 6-ton turkey buzzard that's been sitting on my head is shifting off of me - taking it's unspecified reek & dread with it. I'm TIRED. I want to restart the movie he was too anxious to watch, Thursday night... and just be slugs today. I got good steaks from the local butcher, so dinner is easy.
He's already tilled my whole garden, and I need to get potatos and onions in, and my handful of cole crops too. I have seeds to start and a medicinal herb garden to design, plant & seed. I have more bare root stuff coming the middle of the month. And equipment shed and her greenhouse to build... and the studio deck to demo & replace.
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So hopeful the dorsal stimulator will work for B, and that we'll soon hear stories about how a man out of pain gets a spring in his step and a smile on his face.
And hope you'll be as nurturing of exhausted Amber as you are of him. I envy your fitness, I'll be honest.
Happy hugs and planting and to-dos!
Hops
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LOL... we'll see how much fitness I have as I try to catch up with the garden & outdoor chores. LOLOLOLOL.
The stimulator is doing what it's supposed to and he is adjusting to the new physical reality. Off the pain pills for the incision, too. He's already back troublshooting the starter on the backhoe.
S got the bobcat stuck again, but thinks he can get it out. Hol is still skeptical of his commitment and consequently reaching out to her community of friends. She's planning a ladies' only May day weekend for the end of the month. I am planning, costing out the tally for studio improvements that need to get done SOONEST...
and just trying to breathe. B is on the same wavelength as I am about living each day doing what we can to further the functional goals around here... without killing ourselves doing it. It's a good pace for me.
I've still got a LOT of resistance in my head about food production. Due, I think, to Ex#2's expectation that I would do everything myself... by hand, no power tools. :rolleyes: I'm really not a fan of aceticism. Not when the equipment is affordable and common enough to save time & calories. But, it's time I either shit or get off the pot about this. I am good at it, I do enjoy it... and it helps with the budget.
Of all things, finding comfortable work clothes seems to be my biggest "excuse". :rolleyes:
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Or...get halfway off the pot with one cheek hanging over. Buy a bidet seat. Enjoy the half-assed go! (My am I witty today.)
Aren't we glad we're NOT MARRIED to Ex #2 or his vision of how things have to be?
I vote for all sorts of capitulations to good changes as they come to you in life, and since you are NOT enthusiastic about total food production and you can afford simple, available alternatives to all kinds of intermediate steps....I don't see the reasonableness in not honoring your gut. Maybe save total self-sufficiency goals for the zombies? You're not going to get any readier by wearing yourself out.
Your gut might be wanting something else at the mo', if your inner chore list would ever stop rolling. It's great you and B are same page, but you're going to drift off the page sometimes for one Amber reason or another, that needs only a simple explanation, not a justification. He will no doubt do the same at some point. You don't OWE anybody at all to be same page all the time. (That's Hol's issue, struggling for her emotional autonomy, imn-ho.)
Big hugs
Hops
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Well, the onions were planted Monday. Rained last night; good soaking rain. I've got topsoil for a couple nice plants to anchor the eventual herb garden... and can get a truckload of topsoil for about $400. I'm planning to form up hardware cloth, line it with weed barrier in between the boulders to make pockets for the herb beds.
None of that is planned out, mapped... it's just an organic, "plant by feel" idea in my head.
B is beginning to motivate a little more; tomorrow is the post-op visit, so he'll probably be cleared to pick up the pace a little more... close to what he is used to. Hol's realized too, that mowing needs to commence shortly. I still haven't started my tomato & pepper seeds... sigh... but maybe this weekend. The herbs, I'm starting later & plan to keep them in pots for a winter, before planting out. Most of 'em anyway.
Whee.... I am pretty busy these days.
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You're highly active, healthy and STRONG!
I so miss having a strong back. It's out again. Can't bend, lift, twist, kneel, etc. Just in time for gardening (not). Do have a neighbor who volunteered to plant.
Looking into a human-height fork or small hoe so I can keep it weeded. Hope hope.
Enjoy your mountain spring, Amber. I can't imagine how lovely it must be. Even the air...
hugs
Hops
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Physical labor in the sun, is what drains me. I slept at least 10 hrs after planting 18 brassicas and a short row of taters. Later, I arranged tables in the barn for my gro lights and seedlings. I don't participate in the race to produce the very first home grown tomato of the season - I want maters when the season ends.
Thinking I really want a root cellar. Called the contractor to discuss studio & deck renovations. Buddy that I bought the backhoe from is up for a couple weeks cause of some family funerals. Need to pick his brain for what might need fixed next. i hope he doesn't say tires; I just bought a new replacement top for my rubicon, which i've been driving till B fixes the transmission issues that the "new to me" old jeep has. Trailer has been getting a workout lately - B needed to lease/fill/swap welding gas bottles and they didn't have all the gases at one time. Hol is using it today to pick up a large dog kennel, for the new puppy she brought home yesterday.
New puppy is a female, half Irish Setter and Great Pyrenees. 6 months old. She wants to try to breed her with S' dog, a big chocolate lab - Beeb. Beeb and the new sweetie pie are getting along fine. Knuckles hasn't been introduced yet, because when she tried... (Knucks & new girl on leash)... Beeb acted out of character and became protective of her. So Knucks spent the night with us. They'll try introductions again today, sans Beeb.
New girl is bigger than Knuckles, but since he's solid muscle he outweighs her for now. As a Pyrenees cross, she may not get as heavy but she is definitely gonna be a big girl. I don't think he'll have any issues with her; the "issue" will be how Beeb tolerates Knucks with the female around. Care and training is all on Holly, because S is gone so much. She knew this, so in mom's presence there will be NO whining & complaining.
The reality of it is, it is gonna tie her down here even MORE than she already is. We'll see how that plays. And if they do get puppies, it's going to have to be her "side business". I can't imagine how much just the dog food will cost, much less the vet bills. I'm not sure she's actually mapped the business side of all this out yet. We'll see.
Buck is helping a LOT; and it's easier working with him than with Hol. We think more the same, see the same things, I think. He got the garden all tilled up and is helping dig for transplanting a couple larger plants/shrubs. I have more bare root herbs coming in this month, I think. But I may have to call them on the credit card change. The stimulator is working well enough for him and he's regaining some weight, that he's been busy. Another followup on the 21st, then he'll run back to collect another load to move... fix some things on the house... get ready to permanently be here.
He's been here since early January and things are still cozy & comfortable & easy. We're both hardheaded - but it's about mostly different things and so we don't actually disagree about much. Mostly, it's that he thinks he should do someething FOR me, that I CAN and WANT to do, myself. "It's casual", as he would say. And no, we don't have long drawn out analytical discussions of our "relationship"; too busy just doing it and enjoying it.
There just ain't enough time in the day to worry ourselves over things that are a) none of our business and b) out of our control.
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Well, it's been almost a month and at yesterday's post-op follow up the Doc looked like he wondered why we were there. He's healed quickly, the stimulator is doing what it's intended to do - with minor adjustments, as needed. It's been 4-5 years since the stuff was completely removed due to the staph infection they gave him - then wouldn't treat. The few times he WAS able to get a high enough, long enough course of antibiotics was augmented with my herbal A/B tinctures.
We've been struggling along together during all that time to make the "plan come together". We're happy with the results now. It should NOT have been this difficult. And it wasn't the docs, throwing up obstacles or delays. It was the so-called "health insurance". It should be called "health roulette". Hol recently ran into the same meat grinder for some needed dental work.
B has been here since the first of the year, this time. Being together with him is STILL easy & cozy. There is a perceptible difference between us, in values/traditional backgrounds and his lived experience is pretty much all military but there is enough in common that we can relate & commiserate & laugh at, that we have our own "us" bubble. We can both tell just by looking at each other, how the other feels - even if it remains impossible to actually "feel" that.
One more week, then we set the plan for him to go back and get the next load. That "plan" is adapting, as time goes on, as to how quickly he's going to finish up - or be able to finish up - the work involved. He's not accepting help offered; still. I think it's 'coz he accepts the responsibility for cleaning out his "old life" before settling into the new one. He won't be gone long, because he needs to be here the beginning of June for the pump refill. But with the stimulator added to the pump's pain relief... he can do much more now. Faster, too.
I've noticed that when his "old life" jumps up and becomes an irritant, the pain levels jump too. There is a definite psych or neural pathway route side to all of this pain issue. I'm offering as much support as possible on that side of things and his perspective on that - the perception of the significance of the "irritant" - is shifting. Since I have a few things that do the very same thing to me, I'm sensitive to the reactions - even when he doesn't say anything.
Hol & S are still not a sure thing. Maybe it's just the different personalities/life experiences or lack thereof. Maybe it's her intense verbal & mental over-analyzing and tendency to mind-reading other people.... I dunno. That's her stuff to work through and figure out. Here lately, she seems to be asking for/demanding some magical knowledge from me that will make everything "ok" again. But I confess, I'm clueless what she needs. And after 45 years, I'm hoping to retire from the "mom business", ya know? And listening to her kvetch about him, isn't my idea of quality "girl time".
A giant problem for her, with him, is that he needs (or has said he needs) so much alone, disassociated time and he just isn't verbally communicative about what's going on with him - or why - for her to understand. So she resents being alone so much IN a so-called relationship. He relies on her to take care of the daily chores & make him comfortable.... and the reverse doesn't apply. Not even the chimney fire and her lingering angst over what DIDN'T happen, motivated him to help or hold her. She sees all this clearly.
Now, I KNOW y'all see this for what it is, just as clearly as B & I do. And despite me saying repeatedly that I just couldn't do that with anyone... she is locked into "not deciding" - going so far as to creativelly problemsolve to find a different way to live with him, even though he is the majority of all the extra work she's doing. The idea of "cutting your losses" just doesn't seem to exist for her. It's really frustrating to watch her go thru this. AGAIN. It took her 9 years to finally give up on the last relationship - even though she KNEW it was an impossible situation. It's like she sees it as "losing" some kind of struggle. Or not being smart enough or compassionate enough (ie, pretzeling herself to be "just right") for her frog to turn into a prince.
I'm not sure she realizes how much of herself - her SELF - she would regain, by losing this constant thorn in her life. Mayhap I'll try that tack in conversation when she's attempting to solicit some magical knowledge again. Planting seeds.
And I thought I was obsesssive. Jeez.
She has invited a group of her lady friends out for a Beltane weekend next week. I am included, but B will still be here and I'm loathe to leave him on his own so much just before he leaves again. She knows this. But I know a couple of these ladies, and they're good solid, practical sounding boards. Perhaps with ENOUGH validation of the feelings/unfairness in the reciprocity in her relationship... she'll be less afraid of making a decision. I dunno. I don't CARE what decision she makes... as long as she stops obsessing on trying to find a way to make it work all by herself.
It's all negative energy I don't need around here. And it's affecting more than her.
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Maybe Hol finds it difficult to let go of relationships and give up hope after investing so much time and energy....like the rest of us.
Maybe if you start putting boundaries in place for Hol..... around the things you talk wtih her about, things you allow her to go on and on about re: S...... about the negative things she focuses on...... she'll learn from you how to put her own boundaries in place with S and hold them.
I could be way off here. Truthfully, I don't know if that is appropriate or useful,but it's what came up form me so I share.
It's glorious here after a thunderstorm last night. Just green and lush and sunny.
I'm treating all the Hemlocks for Wooly Adelgids this weekend. Couldn't wish for better weather.
I hope B finishes moving his life to the farm soon.
That his pump is working well and not creating more problems seems like a dream finallly come true!
Lighter
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Wonder where Hol learned how to analyse folks? [grin]. I'm guessing this trait will ultimately help her. Sure hope so. I'm sorry it's just not working with self-absorbed S. Best case I can think of is that H gets a good therapist just for herself.
(I'd be a lousy parent in that regard. Worrying so much about my D broke me at one point and it's taken years to learn to breathe again. The pain still catches.) S sounds like a drag but at least not overtly abusive, thanking the universe for very small favors. I wonder if H fears loneliness most. Pretty hard to be alone-from-all-peers on a mountaintop, even if Mom's around. (In my case, with Nmom I felt MORE lonely.) It's also extra pressure on you. She might less innerly-resourceful, even as competent as she sounds. Partly because of her youth, but she has lots of time to make her own mistakes and learn what she will learn. It must be hard to watch, when you know what she COULD know if she only knew what you know! But they've got to learn first-hand, unfortunately. When we'd get in front of a train for them.
On the sunny side, it's so great to read that B's pain and infection are finally, finally under control. Almost unbelievable. Even better to hear that your instincts about him and y'all's compatibility are holding up too. Whew and congrats. What an amazing thing to have come into your life, Amber. You created the space and opened that door and he walked through. I'm really happy for you.
hugs
Hops
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Thanks Hops. We're pretty OK and silly together. Lots of fun!
As for Hol, I don't think knowing what I know would help her. I try to simplify her overthinking sometimes; tell her that I KNOW she and I are wired very differently; but IF it WERE me... this is how I'd deal with it. And if I don't know what I'd do... she hears that too.
Right now, she's at emergency vet with Knuckles. S had all 3 dogs out on a walk. (They have a new puppy; Kiri is 1/2 Irish Setter & papa was Great Pyrenees.) Knucks has over 20 porcupine quills in his nose, face & mouth. The way it probably happened, since Kiri was on training lead, is Kabeeb (the choc lab) scared it up and backed off... and Knucks being mostly pitbull (and clueless about other creatures)... wanted to "play" with his new friend. He is NOT the one around here that kills ground hogs & raccoons; that's Beeb.
Usually the boys go out together, off leash & unsupervised since there is PLENTY of space for them to roam. I have warned her that, for several common sense reasons, that's not a good practice. Like rattlesnakes, bears, etc. that I KNOW are here. I've seen them. Farmers & hunters will shoot a dog that's chasing cows or game. It's just the way it is here. We think it's a dog that's been killing the ducks lately, for instance.
Porcupines are protected species. They're not aggressive, only defensive and are vegetarians. We're obviously going to have a discussion when she returns and Knucks is as comfortable as he's likely to get. Once she stops reacting and gets her emotions back in check -- and the overthinking kicks in. That situation always requires a "debrief". Fortunately, she trusts Buck's knowledge and advice more than mine. He will be able to talk some sense into her. No need to hunt down & eliminate Mr. Porcupine... when he can be live trapped & relocated.
Living out here automatically COMES with certain risks, and S in particular isn't the most observant or respectful of Mother Nature's more dangerous side. SIGH. This place is untouched & uncivilized; just the way I like it. It has it's own rules and one simply can't assume that this is some sanitized, disneyfied, safe "nature" that will protect you if you act certain ways. What if it had been a mama bear with cubs? It's that time o' year and Rick DID kill about a 300 lb bear here, a couple years back. S I G H.
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Correction: both boys got zapped and are at vets.
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How are the dogs doing, Amber?
Are they doing OK?
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Sorry, I forgot to update!
Yes, they're both pretty well healed up now. Hol pulled one more quill from Knuckle's muzzle yesterday, that had worked it's way out. You'd think information like the migration south of porcupines would be somewhere in the news. It's useful information that people need to be aware of. Unsuspecting hikers, kids, etc can all be hurt by those barbed quills. Even though the critters are NOT aggressive, most people will try to get a closer look - curiositiy - and that's a threat to the beastie. They also get large, about 30 lbs. That's a lot o' quills!
The vet mentioned that she treated another pair of dogs just a couple weeks ago. City over the mountain. So, be alert when out walking in the woods. And give any porcupine a wide berth.
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I may have bit off more than I can plant this spring! My plant order came in a couple days ago. A dozen munstead lavender plugs; same for lamb's ear. 3 ea. comfrey, echinecea, and grosso lavender (which can grow into a 6 ft mound).
I'll seed some more confederate roses (a hardy hibiscus B brought) this weekend - but I'm running out of room under the lights). Many of the herbs I have started can be planted later in the season after they're well established. Some I'm keeping in large pots over the winter to plant NEXT spring. I have a pretty small bay tree that needs a big pot this year. It'll have to come in over winter.
I still need to order shrubs & trees. I'm going to try rosa rugosa again too. I just need help digging the holes.
I'm trying kidney beans in the garden this year. I've not done dried beans before so it's an experiment. The tomato flat is going hog wild and I am gonna try to sweet talk B into turning the garden under before it rains again and he takes off Sunday/Monday. Peppers are coming; but they're slower. Other stuff will get directly seeded. I'm running a small sweet corn/beans/squash experiment this year too. What's been planted - onions, potatos, & brassicas are looking good. We got a LOT of rain, when it cooled off and B has set up sprinklers - one is motion activated to deter creatures investigating my "babies". (Electic fence will be the next step, if I notice any depredation.)
Tomatos might be big enough to go out in the next week or two; I need to harden them off a bit first. Amish paste, super sioux, siberian, and a couple beefsteak types.
I have an equipment shed in the barn, which needs to find a home & get put up. Hol is still trying to get her greenhouse going. Her new puppy - Kiri - is an absolute doll. She's already bigger than Beeb & Knuckles at 6 months. She hasn't filled out yet, but I expect her to top out about 80 lbs. Irish setter & great pyrenees, so she's champagne colored with freckles. But it's keeping Hol extremely busy... so no Michigan trip right now.
B is back to about as fully funtional as any 66 yr old can expect... and even younger guys can't keep up with him. He's working on strength and stamina (encourages me too). He's talking about bringing (at least) 2 more loads up before he's here full time. But the pace is picking up. Partly because getting rentals and the price/availability of gas continues to go up. This time, he'll be back the first week in June for the pump fill. Then he needs to rebuild his trailer and rent something with a hitch to get it back south... and then his big mill comes up.
In between, there is all the usual family drama. His and mine. Hol is making me nutz lately but I think we're currently in an (unspoken) "do our own things" space instead of spending so much time together. When she targets me to vent her projected issues - I just walk away. I really don't need that crap. I've put in my dues working, being mom. i am insisting that I get to do exactly as I please and no more/no less when and with whom I want. Not what she THINKS I should be doing or being. Get off my tits, kid. I still have a fast backhand... and she knows better. I will not be bullied by her weird sense of what's "right"... for me. She doesn't get to choose or judge. Period.
She and S are spending even more time apart* since his employment has changed; he is staying in B'more with an old girlfriend that Hol sometimes stays with. With the writer's strike, she doesn't see any film work coming her way any time soon - and she's pretty sick of that environment too.
*This isn't helping her get projects done. And that's a major frustration. They don't have much garden going either. She leaves plant stuff mostly to him. I'm not entirely sure why; she was never much of a garden helper when she still lived at home, either.
The studio remodel is awaiting contractors. It's been 2 weeks since they said they had to wrap up a few things, then they'd be out for an estimate look-see. I'm going to start looking for other contractors this weekend. We COULD do it ourselves... but it would take all summer and we have other things to do, too.
Chicken & dumplings on the menu today... and then I'm on my own for 3-4 weeks.
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Kiri sounds extraordinary. How I'd love to see a pic! She must be stunning to contemplate.
I know why Hol isn't into gardening. It's because she's not into gardening. I'm sorry she's not more help to you on the projects but her heart/imagination aren't fed by earth in the same way yours are. Maybe it's her creative stuff, making. Maybe it's other things in her imagination that haven't fully formed yet.
Kind of thrilling to read how you are just walking away when she puts pressure on you or starts up psychodrama. Good for you!!!! (Hope you can skip backhanding.)
With the men soon absent it might be tempting for you and Hol to get back into the old fights. I'm glad they're showing up as pointless. Toxic connection is still connection for us humans. So maybe you'll find friends in the community, not just on the mountain.
Are you maybe feeling some anxiety over the 3-4 weeks alone? Maybe that's coming up in your interactions with Hol too. Sensing you might need more support from her for a time? And the old conflict conversations are happy to resurface? Unless she did follow through and find herself a therapist to do the deep work with?
I-need-you-but-don't-need-you. Fierce independence is one thing, angry independence another. I have a hard time telling the difference in some connections.
I hope you don't work your body to bits but feel joy again in your deep connection to gardening, growing, building the projects that bring you so much satisfaction.
I wonder if a little irritability between you and B just crops up because you're both recognizing intuitively that separations are difficult. I feel big faith you'll be fine.
hugs,
Hops
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Well, it's now only 2 weeks till the warrior returns and we're one trip closer to not dealing with the back & forth.
Hol is being a pretty busy girl herself, and is planting more this year on her own, instead of letting S do it all. My big garden is about to go into high gear (tomatoes are ready to go in). I'm trying kidney beans, for an experiment and they shot up like nobodies business with the grow lights. My herbs are gonna have me planting till August, I swear!
There's comfrey, lavender, pleurisy root, skullcap, flax, feverfew, echinecea, centaury, St. John's wort... chamomile & lemon balm and if they ever germinate, boneset, soapwort, something else. Sweet Annie is just germinating. I forgot to order tansy & wormwood.
I added another lilac and a 12 in pot of lavender... and have a strategy for building deep beds among my boulders. All higgeldy-piggeldy, no structured geometric planting for me... and it makes that space (includes a decent sized fire pit) a lovely outdoor space to sit of an evening.
I think I've mostly conquered my resistance to planting. It's still physically taxing and today might be rest day all day. Depends on the rain - if we get any. I need to weed the taters & onions... but couldn't lay hands on a long handled weeder I THOUGHT I still had. Hol thought she saw it in with the ducks & geese - S was spreading straw with it to combat the wet weather spring that runs through there. We already have 4 baby geese. Guess I'm going shopping for a new one today.
My goal is to get as much accomplished asap, before the temp gets over 80 every day and the no-see-ums emerge. It's just too miserable and draining for me to work in the hot sun.
I've got a couple studio projects "in progress" too - for when I just have to stay inside. Been looking for a sweatshirt that's styled like a cardigan - and not finding it. So pattern, fabric, etc. And Hol & I both have moccasins cut out and close to being sewn up.
The new sweet puppy is getting spayed today. Three dogs & trying to integrate Kiri into the "pack" is about all she can manage. A litter of puppies would totally demand all her attention. S is starting to help her more, when he's home. And things are going smoother on that part of the farm.
Contractor still hasn't called to estimate the studio reno. So, I'm calling a few "over the mtn". Ya snooze ya lose buddy! I'm tired of being patient and understanding.
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Amber:
Households used to have herbal cabinets and it's thrilling to hear all you're planting! Love love love the idea of planting in among the boulders with a firepit nearby. I can picture it..... it's a really great place for bonfires too.
About doing your thing and letting Hol do hers..... I think that's healthy and normal. What feeeeels upsetting, to me, is the pattern of Hol judging and bossing you.... it likely feels normal to her now. What creates anxiety, for me, is thinking of stating and holding boundaries to change Hol's patterns as conflict. I don't do well with conflict and it's been a balm to hold my line while allowing others to have their feelings....... I don't have to go down that rabbit hole with them. Sweet relief!
From your post, you seem ready to rise to Hol's energetic levels and meet them, as you must. Brings up lots of angst for me, just to read so I hope you find a way to meet Hol in your calm space, state your boundaries and consequences with love, sans judgment and hold them just the same. Just bc others are agressively in their bossy boots doesn't mean we have to rise or fall to their levels, IME.
THIS is something I've been giving thought to lately, as you might guess. Having the relationship I WANT TO HAVE and modeling what I want more of, instead of getting jerked off my horse by people with strong emotions, etc.
That.
I'm happily enjoying your gardening journey without desire to have one myself. Feeding/caring for my hydrangea, Azaleas, Mountain Laurels and Hemlocks is as much as I care to tend to this summer. The moss takes care of itself at this point and there's less and less of it as I go.
I think you're gong to guard your health and strength during planting season. Enjoy your solitude and keep updating us: )
Lighter
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Well, our process works for us. Neither of us shrink from conflict and we have the ability (not always achieved, mind you) of being able to hold space for the disagreement, different opinions/perceptions/etc - together, between us and jointly work to find a solution. Those solutions are rarely I win/you lose situations. It provides a framework for continuing to work together, even if there is friction or sensitivities, etc.
Over time, solutions are refined. We practice. We listen to each other even when the gist of one's complaint is uncomfortable. We do our best to communicate our own points of view and suggestions. And conflict isn't the sum total of our engagement and interaction with each other. That's how I know her "bossy boots" moments are born out of her acknowledgement of my aging process; her fear of eventually not having me around. My irritations with her are mostly surrounding her not standing up for herself (in other situations).
And when we do experience the loud and aggressive disagreements - it's usually over within 24 hrs and we move on. No tending the tiny flame of resentment. There is usually a discussion post argument where things are restated, inquiries made, sometimes apologies tendered... and we drop it and get back to business.
Without holding the space for us to FEEL that conflict, own our bits of it, be triggered by our own individual past experiences... we wouldn't ever resolve things or shift perspectives to the point of putting ourselves in the other person's position momentarily; seeing things from their seat. Hol is extremely verbal, quick to speak, extremely analytical, logical and intellectual. I still have a problem (sometimes) in fast moving conversation being able to verbalize, especially about feelings... and a good bit of the conflict revolves around she thinks I don't trust her to respect vulnerability and my feelings... when I simply don't have a ready verbal description and have to have some time to find the answer for myself.
These things don't happen all the time. And it's usually not over mundane stuff - it's the intersection of our separate work on ourselves. Our individual methods and perceptions; and it goes deep places where it's literally an emotional trigger minefield. We can do that because we KNOW for a fact, each is 100% safe with the other. Excercising in this space - whether its over a conflict or plans or personal observations - helps us replicate the ability in more of our other relationships.
This is way outside the usual parent-child dynamic; it's past that. There just aren't rulebooks for how to do it, and we've made up our own. It's been this way since she was little and had temper tantrums because she wasn't talking yet. She just starting talking all at once, at about 3 - and hasn't shut up yet! LOLOL. But she does have the ability to go into her own inner space and inquire, reflect and ponder. I've been pushing her toward independence since grade school. She needs interesting challenges from time to time - like sailing in December. With menopause starting to mess with her, though, that's about the only real challenge she has time for. The farm projects are also something she can get into and she's developing more interest in the herbal medicine area. With B around - she's also turning wrenches more, will be welding with him on different things and improving her skills. She wants to design and make things.
Because of our past experiences, we developed very differently; our personalities are a lot different even tho there's some common features. It's easy to only look at things or people through the lens of our personal experience and try to understand them that way. The more we share, stumble into each other's triggers and bumble our way to understanding the other from THEIR perspective... the safer this arrangement is for both of us. We can release the outcome when it comes to what we ask of each other, knowing the other is trying and isn't just giving up or shutting down. This is what working THRU is for us.
And it comes with occasional, unexpected conflicts. That's just life, as we both know it. And it's working out fine. You don't have to worry about how we're getting through it all. We both have decades of practice at this! And when a real crisis hits - we're always the first responder for the other. Like when Mike died or her chimney fire.
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I really like this perception, Amber:
Hol is extremely verbal, quick to speak, extremely analytical, logical and intellectual. I still have a problem (sometimes) in fast moving conversation being able to verbalize, especially about feelings...
I get a momentary "freeze" on feelings articulation sometimes, especially when interrupted, and my therapist literally can't articulate quickly (her own natural pace, plus while I'm talking like a runaway freight train how could she?). I think now at this age, I'm sensitive to sharing with most others that at times, in some situations and not others, I know my brain is working more slowly. I'm doing my best Maggie Kuhn imitation and declaring our RIGHTS to be a tad slower or different with age, without being scrutinized for something awful. I'm also outspoken as heck about ADD, which has nothing to do with IQ but is more difficult with age. Alla that.
The hesitation to talk about it can be fear of unconscious ageism from others, as so many are inclined to think that any verbal stumbles or changes in pace are billboards for creeping senility. I DO forget things more often and some mental tasks (plus ADD coping) are more difficult these days. But this is not alarming, it's natural. I don't expect myself to carry on at the same speed forever, and yet I ain't got dementia! My poetry writing, which can get quite complex and nuanced, is better than ever these days (workshop sez so too), and a trickle-in of earned wisdom feels like a compensatory skill. Managing paperwork and calendars? Feh.
If our culture and sometimes dear ones knew how to listen to elders with patience that is just a realistic adjustment to how aging ripens, not condescension, it would be a good thing. But in this like in SO MANY things, America is woefully adolescent.
I guess with someone as smart as Hol (chip off old block) you can just educate her that somewhat slower processing indicates just a NATURAL change in your processing, not a "decline." Even if your hair is white. Or maybe your verbal processing pace is just intrinsic to who you are and always have been, so it's not even a real change. Everybody's different. In some cases it's a real problem but I believe we know the difference. (Then again, there is denial, and I have friends who pretend capacities they've lost, because to age unashamedly in America is a fearful prospect.)
Sounds like you and Hol are at peace with your process. And with who you are.
hugs
Hops
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Yes, we are definitely communicating better these days. She's made me understand that she is very aware of her underlying (and not part of her public persona) sensitivities. Flashpoint explosive triggers even. Touchy... but working on them.
She's given me feedback about how my "off the cuff" comments sound to her, as a result. On the days she can't laugh at herself. She rather expects me to tap dance around those moments... LOL. But, I have told her I can try to be more aware before I open my mouth, about how a statement might - on any given day - sound to her. At least until she recovers some of her bounceback flexibility.
Perimenopause and hormonal adjustment is just such a complete & total adjustment for her. My friend Deb went through a horrible time too. I was going through my own (a lot easier) issues, when I started therapy. Maybe there's something about the changes that brings up the emotional issues too? Lets them surface? I dunno. Maybe it just highlights the insecurities and issues in new ways and at that age, it's more possible to deal with them. Even perceive them.
I'm finding all this quite interesting and I'm just as invested in this shared "process". It's not something my mom & I could ever do. She just wasn't able. But Hol & I have been doing this for years & years now. So, as it's gradually changed and gotten more serious, we've adapted. She has some big issues lurking around that peek out every now & then... but she's still not ready to pull them out & dissect them. I'm not rushing her. I can wait. And I'm certainly not "perfect"... when I screw up, she knows she has leave to tell me that without me jumping to outrage & offense so that it can rectified or explained immediately.
Well, looks like another lovely spring day here. She has a friend date this evening - fun movie & burgers at a local butcher shop. I have a flat of tomato plants to get in the dirt, if they survived the cool temp overnight. It feels like planting will not stop, this year. But I'm reminding myself that most of my herbs are perennials - and except for quantity increases, I will only need to plant once. And it's time to feed kitties.
Think I'll be able to "knock off" early today.
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Amber:
I'm trying to figure out how to be assertive without apology.. trying to not care how others perceive my withdrawl from people pleasing habits. It is what it is.
I bounce over and around a balanced response, to be sure.
Your comment "backhand quick to fly" sent my anxiety up, likely... paraphrasing there.
Lighter
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Ah yes, I can where it might do. Thankfully, it's been a rare thing for a long time.
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Whew. Me too, I got worried about that phrase.
Glad it's in the rear-view! You clearly work so HARD to connect with her, Amber.
Sounds like it's been paying off.
hugs
Hops
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This has been re-entry week for B & I. He made it on Tuesday morning, and unloaded the truck that afternoon. Dropped truck off Wednesday & ran a few errands. Thursday was his appt - and the resetting & reprogramming of his stimulator controller. An automatic Apple update blew up the previously functioning program. A month ago. Fortunately the morphine pump, works all the time on it's own. Only requirement is to get it filled on schedule before it runs out.
Today is do-nothing Friday. He's been catching up on sleep & piddling around with organization. He's here for at least 2 weeks, to monitor his new program effectiveness and watch an incision.
I still need to plant peppers & 3 sisters. Yeah, it's a little late but our season can run well into October some years, so I'm plodding ahead with that plan. Hol spread my topsoil where I want it, so I can get those herbs in the dirt finally (they REALLY need to go in soon!!)
Contractor started on the studio yesterday. Got all the old siding off in a day. They're working on the deck boards now. I asked yesterday how long they think this job will take and was told a few weeks; then he corrected himself and said - maybe a month. My only comment was: that's really fast! And it is. This is a new contractor for me, because I was told when I talked to the regular guy that they needed to finish up a few jobs then would call me. Still waiting on that call. And with the weather patterns changing a lot this year, I wanted the outer protection layer & access issues done WAY before the seasons turn again. Still not a lot of hot weather yet; and the smoke & cloud cover from Canada's fire have us in perpetual overcast. I need to inquire of Hol, how her solar is managing with this. We've had longer stretches of gray in the winter, and she's been fine... but I suspect the UV rating is different with the smoke.
They have projects going down at the hut, full stream ahead too. But S is working a lot. The new puppy Kiri is still acclimating and in training. That's keeping them pretty busy already. It's wonderful having a girl dog around! She is so sweet & cuddly (all 50+ lbs of her!), quick to learn things and eager to please. Hol is doing a lot more socializing with her local-ish friends, too. That's taking a little pressure off my time management. And it's really good for her to connect with the ladies her own age.
Looks like B's plan is to bring the mill, the next trip... so after that, there may only be one more (two more?) trips then he'll be here. There is a very noticeable "relaxation response" in me, when he's physically here. My "left hand" support is back, I guess. We're way more partners & equal, and that's comfortable for me. Hol wants to either dominate or lead or expect to be "mommed"... and while we're navigating all that pretty well - and honestly - it can be boringly exhausting for both of us.
This sort of phased "relationship" process - where he goes back to the old life and I'm on my own again - seems to be working pretty well. There are difficult moments, of course. But for the most part, when he returns here, things are still in the place he left them... and he can immediately start going about his own agenda knowing where things are, etc. It's also been Different - capital D - on the romantic side but again, it's working out well.
Well, I need to get dressed and think about how much/how little I WANT to do today. Tomorrow is another early morning "have to" run around & gather needed things day.
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Happy to read your report, Amber! Sounds like much progress and some mystery too.
I hope hope hope those tiny particulates (including chemicals picked up in fires) do NOT go deep deep in anyone's lungs when they're exercising outdoors. A tight KN95 is on my face until the local AQI is down to clear. The index has been quite high here; nothing like large cities but nothing to be in denial about either.
What a sad and sobering thing. My ex-bf M just moved to California last month (whew) but he's very very cautious with health things, so I think he'll be okay.
Stay well, and smooches to the pooches.
hugs
Hops
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Lots of pokers in your fire, Amber, as usual!
B sounds happy and busy and on top of your shared plans. It's nice you enjoy your together and away times. Good to feel at home in your own skin.
I hope the construction project rolls along without hitches. Wouldn't that be nice, for once? Ya... it would!!
Hol is growing in the space you've provided, literally and fig. I think. How nice to see her find more community and fellowship in the area.
Lately I've been pretending I've traveled back from my 80's and popped into my childrens' lives.... and it's been transformative..... feels very present and shifts my perspective in delightful ways.
Have fun! You sound so good!
Lighter
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Thanks Lighter! I like that idea about looking back from the future into their lives. Hol is kinda aware of how she's unconsciously mimicking me - and is resisting for all she's worth. Tough cookie about those kinds of things, too. ;) Being out here in our own little bubble, is extremely peaceful. That in itself, heals a lot of things. But beyond that, this place has some extra oomph in that department.
More wildlife interactions yesterday. B spotted & collected a small snapping turtle from under my jeep. He carted it over to the pond. Then, last night we saw a big ole possum cruising the yard. OH! and our ubiquitous whiporill, found a mate last night! LOL. They weren't singing quite in sync initially. It was hilarious...
The smoke wasn't too bad this side of the mountain. But it was noticeable. Visually. So overcast I put my peppers (to be planted today) back under the grow lights for the time being. If you recall, I smoke... so NOT worried about a little smoke from forest fires. Then, there are the recurring bonfires we have. Grew up in the land of industrial & agricultural chemicals. I've mutated to be able to endure it, I think... :shock: LOLOLOLOLOL Most of it has cleared here now, Hops. I'd think the fresh air & exercise would counter any lingering potential pollutants.
My work needs to resume next week - LOTS of little green babies to go into dirt, just waiting on me. Keeping things watered is the main requirement, at the moment. It's just been SOOOOO dry! And the contractors will be back bright & early tomorrow to continue on with studio. The siding is off and it's clear that monetary corners were cut - the old siding was interior grade tongue & groove attached with cabinet brads. AND poorly finished. The deck has started coming apart too. They estimate they'll finish in a month; I'm gonna accept 6 weeks without blinking as it's still difficult to source certain things.
Then, our next combined project is clearing more of a firebreak, removing the plethora of Virginia Pines (and chipping them into compost & mulch) and putting up wood to season for woodstove season. There's road work that needs to happen too- ditches cleared, shale packed into potholes & ruts, drainage "managed". Then we're pricing enough gravel to cover (and keep the dust down) the whole thing from the gate to Hol's area - which is a mud pit half the year.
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Just a music hug from my house to yours!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4AcjvsVn5k (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4AcjvsVn5k)
hugs
Hops
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I'm looking forward to all your progress reports and, hopefully, happy surprises as your relationship with B continues to bloom, Amber..
I assume clearing firebreaks is done with heavy equipment. Sooner than later, yup yup yup.
Lighter
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Sometimes we use the backhoe, Lighter; but most of the time it's chainsaws and brush hogs (for the one field that has tall grass).
Last Wed, got the news on the studio... that it's a miracle it's still standing. The huge 10-12 ft wide deck off the back wasn't really attached to anything structural on the 2nd floor - because the builder DIDN'T BUILD ANY STRUCTURE in, at the middle of that wall. No beam, no ledger under 3 french doors... NADA.
OSB instead of plywood used, and it wasn't completely covered in house wrap. None of the doors or windows were flashed so all the rain/snow rotted out OSB at top & bottom. And as they replace this, no telling what ELSE will be found that HAS to be replaced. Contractor isn't happy; I'm not either - but the work HAS to happen or it will still fall down in about 5 years and the contents of the building are all at risk of exposure.
This impacts contractor's scheduling and I haven't gotten an estimate from him yet. Maybe Monday. It's rained all this week and will rain Mon & Tues next... and they don't work in the rain. Maybe they'll come put the house jacks in, though. Studio was built by previous owners, not the people who built the house. So, around 2008-10; building's not "old" at all. They obviously went lowest bidder and got someone who obviously wasn't qualified. No point in trying to seek out the name of builder - he's probably no longer in the area nor in business.
In a way - it's better to have found this out NOW. And we'll address the situation before it deteriorates any further.
It's an important building! Downstairs is climate controlled auto shop/wood shop/good storage. Upstairs studio is a huge room and we've had large parties there. It's Hol's & my weekly hang out space & compare notes/plans room. It's the indoor dog playpen, too. My library is mostly there; all my sewing; art stuff too - there's a makeshift kitchen & of course music - complete with the CD library. Big sectional couch complete with double sleeper. One big open 20 x 40 space. We're going thru withdrawal not having that space... LOL. There are no steps up anymore and not even any joists left - they're rebuilding that whole deck - and NOW, probably removing the extra wide lower deck too (which is pretty bad shape as well, even though it was better than the upper one).
Hol & have been discussing all the changes we want to make to this space for YEARS. The exterior work is just phase 1 and then all the interior stuff we can do ourselves, one step at a time. This discovery will probably add another month to the progress of work... but I think we all want/need it done.
It was just a LOT to process and this weekend is devoted to moving stuff out of the shop so the guys can set those jacks next week. Fortunately, B's here until at least July 7 - he has some paperwork to go over with his surgeon for the fedgov. And he has to rebuild the trailer that's here, to take back with him so he can move the BIG tool for his shop next time.
Hol's been going through a LOT of inner work lately, and as a result we're kinda tapdancing gingerly around each other. She's eager to help still and keeping herself extremely busy, since S is working full weeks away - long ways away - for about the next month. But she's planning some more "ladies only" get togethers with her friends. That really is helping her a lot and takes some of time demand off of me. After 45 years, I should be able to "retire" as mom a little bit, ya know? She's fun to be around when she's not picking lint out of her navel "window" on the past. I understand it's something she HAS to do - but honestly, she doesn't need me to do that and I think other people would be more useful than I am.
I'm also drowning in baby herb plants... have already dedicated my last load of topsoil to beds... and the weeds are taking over the veggie garden, since the rain. Such is my life right now! ;)
So B & I are sleeping well lately; taking one thing at a time. New top is on rubicon... and he needs to get back on backhoe so we can do road maintenance before winter. Had two dead trees in awkward locations taken down Friday, and those need logged & split. Should be enough wood for winter - but we still have logs left from the 92 trees removed at driveway entrance a few years ago if we need them. We're trying to save deck materials (posts primarily) for building a woodshed.
No fun roadtrips planned - but we're looking for things to do close to home. Lots of that to take a break and go and enjoy. So much history here! and B is a history buff.
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Wow, Amber, I'm so sorry about the studio.
The sheer scale of what you describe today does give me more of a perception of why so much of what you think about is projects -- add a large building near falling down -- YIKES.
I'm glad B's home and y'all are happy or at least well rested! And sounds like you need a bit more space from Hol. Or maybe just a little more head-space in general?
When spring/summer are THIS hard work, even if you wind up with lots put by for winter, maybe you've earned your own spring break, eh?
hugs
Hops
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YIKES on the poor construction, Amber! That's a kick in the teeth..... so sorry it's happening to you.
I'm curious.....what kind of shop is B setting up? Can he mill lumber?
Good on'ya for allowing Hol to do her work, while you stick to yours. I think you have it right..... she'll get more done with her peers and you're not going to be as helpful, even if you really wanted to be, IME.
Good luck planting those baby herbs and enjoy B while you have him!!
Lighter
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Oh, I definitely enjoy him Lighter! We went to a French & Indian war battle re-enactment last weekend, locally. Another "old guy" - vet, I think - walked up & told him he should be afraid of robbing the cradle (meaning white-haired me!)... and he just said it was the other way around. LOLOLOLOL.
B is a machinist & metal worker; his big tool is an old cast iron mill & lathe. Work like he does is priceless out here. Everyone welds - but he has way more indepth experience. And mechanical things too - altho, his dislexia can make that kind of frustrating for him. And it's clear why sailor's have a reputation for swearing.... LOLOLOL. I'm picking up a few things and have my own rep as a "trash mouth".
As far as the studio goes, I'm just relieved these guys pointed it out to me and didn't just cover it up. They could have. We're all kinda regrouping, but since we know what the immediate need is, B & Hol & I can do that this weekend and keep things moving ahead, even though there IS now more tasks on their plate.
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You got lucky, finding someone capable of doing good construction work where you are.
My uncle has a machine shop and giant lathe in his basement...mounted everything on casters. Pretty amazing to have those skills and an entire workshop on premises. I'm very impressed! I guess B will be very busy once he's set up.
The war enactment sounds interesting...... I mean.....French and Indian War AND cradle robbing.....
and local too; )
No one has more fun than people and monkeys; )
Maybe time for a swear jar!
Lighter
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Monday came around with some better evaluations of the studio and multitudinous headshaking. It's not as bad as it initially appeared, however the downstairs garage wall wasn't even connected to the second floor in any structural way shaper or form. Floating floor trusses were used, connected front to back on the long walls. This week has all been work on that stuff, replacing the OSB sheathing and adequately covering it with tyvek. (Which for some reason was skipped in the original build.) They'll be adding flashing to all the windows and doors before adding the new (way better) siding. I think the decks & steps are getting rebuilt first though - all that material is here. Waiting on the windows & siding.
My reliable tree service came & dropped a couple of dead problematic (because of location) trees last week. Those are firewood B is going to split & stack before heading back. Garden's doing OK, but I'm going to have to find a better way to keep the deer out. I kinda hit a brick wall on planting herbs... so just trying to keep the "babies" watered for now. They'll keep until I have the ooomph to get at it again. And the no-see-ums are back.
Hol's going to get some of her studio projects ready to submit for a local craft show end of July. We've been talking pricing and strategies. Think I'll recommend she get a business card with contact info ready. In case someone wants to put in an order. Teach her a little more about using the tech she already is familiar with, to get the word out & be accessible. Ways to keep from getting stiffed, too. She's had a couple people already order & change their mind or have life situations keep them from paying.
One of her friends is having a yard sale in a couple weeks, and she's collected a pretty good load of stuff to sell. She was "collecting" couches for awhile, there. She did admit she might have an obsession, and has made some space-opening decisions. (She needs that to integrate Kiri fully into the household now.) I have a few things to add too - but we might need ropes to get 'em out of the studio - LOL. Kiri is learning real fast and we think it's all going to work out as long as she can keep things moving REAL slow. Beeb & Knuckles ran off on one of their jaunts and Beeb carried another half a fawn back... but whatever was there first ended up fighting Knuckles. He came back with some small cuts or bites; we think maybe a big raccoon. Maybe a gray fox; Buck thinks he saw one yesterday. Could be a coydog, too. Knucks is just fine; he'll heal up nothing's deep and he's fully vaccinated. It just hasn't been his summer to make friends with "nature"! He has one quill on his snout trying to work it's way out that Hol hasn't been able to grip well enough to pull so he might have to visit the vet again for that.
I'm mostly just having a good mental rest right now - while trying to keep going on the gardens and looking at some ideas for studio interior changes. We're watching movies, sleeping well (mostly) and he'll probably have an adjustment made on the stimulator next week. No talk yet of him going back for the mill; he needs to rebuild a trailer first and needs the backhoe finished to pull that machine off the trailer to demo the boards currently on it. I keep mentioning a weekend getaway... just for a change of scenery & exploring. But so far, haven't committed to anything. Hol's needed us for mechanical work & dogsitting duty sometimes with no notice.
Her longtime friend was out last week; HSchool. Married to someone Hol dated for awhile. Friend has matured into the maternal archetype - but with all the quirks of GenX. LOL. They're funny to me. She'll be back out next month and they're going to dig out all the old pics & share. B & I hung out for a little bit, but they really needed their own space to connect again.
Well, since I got up early today - I should get working at something before it gets hot. Might rain, might not. Weeds in the garden need another full on assault.
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SIGH... the heat & humidity are finally here and along with it a hungry batch of no-see-ums. I'm on my second round of bites now. Still looking for something that helps with the itching better than cold-soaked tea bags & after bite. Friend vacationing at Sanibel, FL sent me a link of a sea salt scrub to try.
I got the majority of herbs planted; still have elecampane, silver king (wormwood), and some lavender to go. Garden needs weeding but last time I was out there, ran into a bunch of stubborn weeds that have nasty thorns on them. Need to get all viking berserker on them - AFTER my itchies die down. And it's now rainy season... such is life. I have one more new bed to make - but it's in the worst buggy section.
Work is progressing on studio. There should be a completed shed roof on the front over the garage doors today. And the look of it, is pleasing. Talking about moving some outside seating down there for B, when he takes a break. Maybe one set of steps will get started this week... Hol & I are both having studio withdrawal symptoms. It's got A/C and there are no bugs!! And all my projects are out there; inaccessible except by ladder. And of course, usage of the space as group therapy & judgement free zone simply can't be substituted for any other place. We're weird that way.
Contractor said the siding will be delivered tomorrow, too. Hopefully, the windows will come in soon, too. A couple of the guys actually worked half a day on the 4th of July.
B's still here.... but I think he's looking at getting back soon to get the next load figured out. There's another meeting with the med device rep; the program she changed him to isn't working as well. And there are some other tweaky issues he needs to explain and see if they're correctible. This stimulator is a new kind to B. They weren't able to put in the old kind, because he has so much scar tissue.
We need to get fun time in too. But right now, there just too much stuff to get done before the weather turns.
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Hi, Amber:
What do you mean by "new program" and is the new device similar or are they changing the drugs and timing up too?
Sorry about the bugs. I'm just now over my chigger bites and all the rashes and scratches that followed..... it was miserable!
I sprayed myself iwth benadryl liquid.... but the misery went on and on.
Let me know if the salt scrub helps and I'm so happy you have workers showing up on the 4th! I think you got lucky there.
Lighter
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The stimulator uses bluetooth, and the company rep uses an ipad to "program" it. It's a more flexible program than I realized. They can change the location on the leads that gets charged - essentially activating different nerve bundles - which provides a different location/kind of relief. He has an iphone controller and can turn up/down how much electricity is coming from the stimulator, which is just an implanted battery.
The morphine pump has been doing it's job just fine, since install. But it didn't help with the muscle spasms he was getting; stimulator does. So that's what got adjusted. Last rep, insisted that new research was indicating that more relief was had from the absolute minimum amount of electricity - and never looked at his x-ray for location of leads - so that program just didn't work for someone with actual, severe spinal damage. They get a lot of people who are conditioned to react to any amount of pain - as if their arms are being cut off without anasthesia. And are mostly begging for oral painkillers. (which isn't their primary treatment protocol)
B's proprieception is pretty danged good. And he's good at describing how things feel. But the little bit of reading I've done on the neuro side (and neuro-psychological) sometimes gives me clues about what's really going on - that isn't technically a bio-medical issue. Anything that is actually physical is usually externally visible. Twitching or involuntary movement. Even though he has had more than enough practice controlling that in public. Sometimes, it causes him to fall - and while that could be dangerous for someone frail, he's not. And he's learned how to roll. LOL.
When he's frustrated or upset - and these days, with things still not working the way they're "expected" to in the medical & gov't insurance realm- he's way more susceptible to pain. Notices every little thing, in fact; which is a lot like hypervigilance. And of course, as long as he was in the military - and active in those dangerous situations - his hypervigilance is well developed and a survival skill. That's just one example of how the neuro side of things impacts pain... but in his case, he has an actual old injury that ONLY can be medically mediated, so far. He's mastered pushing through a lot of little stuff. Embracing the suck, as they say in the military.
So the new girl at the previous appt just assumed he was one of those chronic pain patients that are hypersensitive to pain and that it was mostly psychologically based. SMH. He is NOT depressive, in the least - nor does he have a shred of any victim mentality. He's funny; he endures to the best of his ability without whining about it; but he does expect these devices to enable him to function. I'm trying to convince him (maybe wrong-headed here) that at 66, he's always going to have SOME aches & pains NOT fixable by these devices. That they may be 85-90% effective on his physical pain, until he attempts some physical feat that not even a 40 yr old guy thinks is doable by himself. And that with Hol's and my help - he doesn't HAVE to do it by himself. She's strong; I'm still almost that strong.
But these changes are going to be slow; his conditioning (prior life experiences) has taught him he has to keep going at that level without asking for help - because there simply isn't any to be had. This trips Hol's & my conditioning triggers and things get a little "lively" - no one's angry, just we don't want him to hurt himself when we're right here. He's acknowledged before, that he's simply not used to this in his reality. Since all 3 of us, have done the same things for the same reasons at different times... we get it.
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I'm for interdependence, especially for veterans.
The programming is so destructive, teaching them to take pain ("embrace the suck" is brave in the short term and undermining in the long term, imo.) Or not to ask for or accept help without psychic pain, a sense of being less.
I remember telling someone I knew w/PTSD that she didn't realize it's peacetime.
I'm very sorry B's still going through this but glad it's improved with the implant. I feel for you and Hol's upset watching him take unecessary risks, but that's part of "the suck" that you two get to embrace yourselves. Watching it is painful and respecting his need to figure it out in his own time. Not Easy.
Worse is to watch someone harm themselves forever, but at least B sounds like he's trying. Down deep he knows this life is far better....
hugs
Hops
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I'm just going to drop my head, say a prayer and hope B receives the relief and proper care he's due.
His patience and intestinal fortitude is admirable and I'm so happy he has you and Hol on his team, Amber.
Lighter
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Hops - it's not nearly so dire as all that; nor all the military's fault (just like many other humans, he does have early history too). It's more a transparent overlay that shades his experience. It doesn't really HAVE to be there and it's usually easy to redirect his tendency to always "color" things in only the old, neural pathways rut. It just is, and he's working on it.
The pain situation is pretty much settled & under control Lighter. There is always going to be "maintenance" stuff to it - there is no "this will fix it forever" fix. This whole insurance debacle is caused by bureaucracy - they expect a report to be filed by the treatment center evaluating the amount of "improvement" he's gotten from the two surgeries. B's gov't benefits are dependent on that report, mind you. They HAVE stopped his payments before.
So, the center sent a request for approval from the insurance people on June 13th, for a functionality test... which will give the docs the hard facts on how much improvement B's gained. No one ever told us that the test was ordered or that the request was sent back in June. Doc's office told us that the INSURANCE people would call B and tell him where to go for this test (hopefully not back into DC or anywhere that far from us) and they would arrange all that - not the doc's office. We have heard NADA from those people. He is calling the insurance people and Dept of Labor (his main insurer is Federal Worker's Comp, due to the original injury being service related) today, then they have 3-4 days to call him back. :rolleyes:
Yet there IS a deadline (for B) to have the letter sent (and acknowledged) by them.
:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: and now I'm looking out my own arse.
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Yegods, I understand the frustration of dealing with health systems. Any and all. But at least they've showed B that their expertise can upgrade his quality of life a lot. (If the system's cumbersome response doesn't drive him up the wall in the meantime.) You both have the patience of saints, imo.
Do you know any safe and proven herbs you'd suggest for angina? I'm trying hard to balance my need for Rx and my loathing of too many of them. Just had an episode this morning and feel the cardiologist is impatient that I ask for lowest effective doses, but at the same time recognize my resistance to titrating upward (as he'd like) may be irrational. I do have this condition, it's something you can manage but it will not disappear. (Unlike coronary artery things that are surgically fixable, microvascular disease is harder to treat.)
If I take too strong a dose of some things, my BP tanks so much I have no energy. Anyhoo, will hold forth more some other time, wanna get my mind off it. ALMOST took a nitrogycerin tab today but chose an extra dose of isosorbide ER instead. It helped.
High hopes for y'all that the system blockage gets rotorooted out of the way so B gets what he needs, and faster. I sense you worry more about him than yourself, and hope your own health is high on the priority list!
hugs
Hops
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Oh hon, having him here is all the medicine I need! Honestly happier & healthier when he's around. I can go all stoic and spartan - or even ascetic - when he's not.
Off the top of my head, I dunno what to tell ya to try for angina, but I can look around and check my references! It's too hot for me to do any outside work, and the studio is off limits till one set of steps is built, so I am looking for things "to do", to stay busy. I've got to repot some of my recent arrival herbs; they're getting potbound and it's too hot to transplant right now... in fact I need to water the beds I plants last week (or more). I think I know which herbs are going to come up as suggestions, but I need to double-check that and make sure, as well as look for undesirable side effects and find some dosage info (which is way more important than most people think!)
It's so hot, I just ordered a couple sundresses I found on sale. The few I have left are either too short or too fitted for this kind of heat. (I only have 3 unless I did save my "little black funeral dress"... sigh.)
And I'll be playing "suzy homemaker" for the next few days. I do have to find something for B & I to do, next Friday/Sat. Amy is on another road trip and asked Hol to stay the night at her place. Hol agreed. I am now also researching protection spells for 150 acres, since I can't smudge that much area. Hol asked her long-time friend to come help "manage" the visit - because S found some work he can go away to do that weekend. Friend will be here and knows Amy from the "old days". I literally suggested I could turn all the lights off and lock all the doors... but I just don't even want to be here. The negative perverse energy is more than I can take.
On second thought, maybe I need to be here to give Hol a respite location and backup; dunno. B will be here; he used to moonlight as a bouncer at bars in Scotland... and that may be necessary experience in this situation. Amy has no interest in visiting or even talking to me, so B will probably stay close to me unless the situation gets out of hand. And MAYBE both Hol & I are simply expecting the worst, based on 25+ years of all our previous experiences, and things won't be as bad as we imagine. But so far, that hasn't happened yet.
Yeah, I'm no contact with her. As much as possible. To keep myself as calm and safe as I can manage. No one wants her here, except Hol who thinks she's going to be able to recreate a relationship with her. And I can understand her wish; but Hol KNOWS I don't want her sister here. She KNOWS how it twists me up.
SIGH. Hol is within her rights to do this, but I don't have to be here. Decisions....
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Amber,
I feel -- a lot -- about your painful estrangement from your other daughter. I'm so sorry you feel the need to be on guard and totally understand it. Hope the visit passes peacefully and doesn't tax you too much at those deep, hurt levels.
Meanwhile, I think this might be the poem Lighter was asking me about a while back. Just popped into my head this might be the one. It is a lodestar for me:
The Peace of Wild Things by Wendell Berry
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
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That is SO powerful, Hops! Thank you for briging that to the board. Thank you.
Amber... I have no words for dealing with A.
Just a few reminders for dealing with you....
try not to judge anything.
Cultivate curiosity and spaciousness, as you can.
If A is reactive, loud, abusive or rude.... you can withdraw with love.
We're here.
Light
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LOL - withdraw is going to happen before there's even a chance of engaging with her. It's absolutely the bestest thing for me. Hol has the same response; this is one thing that totally connects Hol & I. We've been the dynamic duo for 25+ years trying to run damage control for Amy's boys and keep A from self-destructing completely.
I have no shred of guilt or obligation left in me over this. I'm closer to some of Hol's friends than I am A. Yeah, I get freaked out - the fight/flight thing, I know. But I am blessed with the ability to wall that off, turn off the light and lock the door and distract myself endlessly with other things.
Studio work is progressing again; deficiencies corrected. The south side will be getting siding soon, so they can build the new steps. Back deck structure is up and will get deck boards today, so the french doors (west side takes the brunt of wind & weather) can be replaced with awning windows. I'm really liking the look of the porch roof on the front over the garage doors; before it was just a two-story rectangular box. The roof adds some character. Siding is going to be a reddish brown almost cedar color with black trim. So I guess I'm getting a "big red barn" after all! :D
Just getting this much done, to insure the building is structurally sound and weather tite, is necessary before I start reworking the garage space and studio interior. Studio's functional but not... that cozy. And we DO hang out there a lot in "neutral territory" (Switzerland?) between my house & the Hol Hut. And before all that happens, I need a transfer switch to be able run the building from a generator when the power's out. My house is fully covered; Hol's is totally off-grid. B has generators for his shop stuff.
While I'm waiting for the no-see-um season to go way, I think I'll start working on my "pantry"/still room in half the double garage under the house.
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You certainly do keep busy with distractions, Amber.
Good luck with the construction progress.
As for the no-see-ums....
::scratching 2 new bites and noticing old itchy spots popping back up again::.
Ever since my BIL's brother died of cancer, after consistently taking antihistamines...... I try not to reach for antihistamines. That makes it harder to go back into the yard... esp the poison ivy area I need to weed.
Have a good weekend, ladies.
Lighter
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Yikes! Never heard that one:
https://www.google.com/search?q=do+antihistamines+increase+cancer+risk&oq=do+antihistamines+increase+cancer+risk&aqs=chrome..69i57j33i160l4j33i22i29i30.5813j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#ip=1 (https://www.google.com/search?q=do+antihistamines+increase+cancer+risk&oq=do+antihistamines+increase+cancer+risk&aqs=chrome..69i57j33i160l4j33i22i29i30.5813j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#ip=1)
hugs
Hops
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I haven't done any research.....just heard the brother did his own research on it and that was his conclusion. Very bright man. Not sayinghe was right.
Also of interest....he dx'd his pancreatic cancer months before the Canadian medical system did then died in a furious knot over it.
It feels like a burning coal to think about it, so I'm just going to back away from taking oodles of antihistamines, just in case.
Lighter
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What shortened my misery from the bites was half a Benedryl. Benedryl & I don't get along very well so I was definitely splitting them. Seemed like just enough boost for the itching to only last a few days. I still have the spots but they don't itch. Only took the antihistamine for a couple days; half in the morning half before bed.
I RARELY take anything like that, so I'm not worried about such short-term usage when the relief was so welcome. Another week or two, and it'll be safe for me to go again. i was only out long enough to water some seedlings on the porch and got zapped again.
:mad:
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Imagination - and past experience - can fuel dread & anxiety, especially when you know not enough of a situation has changed to experience some other kind of outcome. Such was the preamble of preparing for Amy to come visit with her sister & friend overnight.
Hol in particular was going through that. A couple days before - after dealing with my own fight/flight response - I realized that the past experiences with her meant that both Hol & I were plenty strong enough, open enough, able to absorb & remain unscathed to get through this without extreme measures. I shared that with Hol, in depth & detail. And she seemed buoyed somewhat. It's clear that Hol has a lot more at stake, relationship wise, than I do. I'm comfortable enough in my no-contact "protective shield", that I'm willing to be pleasantly surprised but not hurt or disappointed by anything else. (Our attachment styles & relationship styles vary quite a bit, over things & people like this.)
So, B & I had gone into the town over the mountain that day for a number of errands. Stopped at the mailbox to pick up both household's mail. Pinged Hol about Amy's ETA, which was the current time but Amy hadn't arrived yet. I was going to run Hol's mail down to her - but almost immediately got the "she has arrived" text. Seems I HAD recognized Amy on the highway and passed her in Rudi, which Amy would've recognized. She was behind us at the mailbox and had just gone on & turned around so she didn't have to speak to me. Hol had invited an old HS friend of theirs, to also come "catch up" and to help her manage any situation - particularly Hol having her "buttons" pushed and reacting - that came up. So, my interaction wasn't required, desired, or needed and B & I had a pleasant evening. With some additional preventative details thrown in.
Amy had a long drive to get here; 10-12 hrs. and a longer drive the next day. Apparently, the 3 "girls" passed a mostly uneventful evening without any difficult topics coming up. And then, she was gone, back on the road early. After friend left, Hol needed to have time to dump everything out of her brain. It's how she processes. At one point, I asked if she was disappointed there was no conflict... and she wasn't. One never knows, since Hol seems to grow into herself during a conflict but she had put in all the work to avoid one, she didn't have time to even consider if all the list of things she & I were anxious about meant WE needed a confrontation to clear the air.
Clearly, I have been made into a monster in Amy's perspective and receive all the blame for everything that ever has gone wrong in Amy's life. Despite my years of trying to persuade her to try a different approach and assistance with some many crises. Never ever any mention of her Dad (ex#1)... which Hol has discussed in depth as being very problematic in both their lives. Only time I was mentioned, was when friend remarked on the resemblance between me & Amy. It's stronger than the one between Hol & I; Hol has her Dad's bone structure. The main difference between Amy & I is that she looks even older (and unhealthy) than I am. Lifestyle choices are mostly responsible for that.
But as ever, Amy is locked into a fantasyworld of experience where only Amy matters... and exists. No questions for Hol about the Hut, Steve, the property; Amy didn't even explore or care. Just talked about the reason for the road trip - to pick up the latest male love interest, sans job, sans more than a week of time spent together. No mention of the boys either. They're working hard to be able to move out. And it could be Amy is dealing with "empty nest syndrome" by procuring the next willing "victim" for herself. They plan to buy a van together and travel the festival circuit of a cult band. Amy's almost 50.... and she's already done this in her early 20s. Yet she didn't even notice Hol has a piano!
There were times, Hol observed, that Amy seemed to "go somewhere else" and her facial expression never changed; like it was frozen. I'm not sure what that might be a symptom of - if anything - but it did kinda freak Hol & friend out.
So, everyone survived the encounter with no damages and no moving forward from the current impasse which Hol has been trying to "warm up" and thaw out. It was a BFD in the "before" - when we could imagine all kinds of things but none of those came to pass. The only one of the dogs who had an issue with Amy was S's lab; he kept barking at Amy when she pirouetted off into "Amy land" and wouldn't settle. He is the most protective of the 3.
Nothing much goes on around here, so any change from the routine is usually welcome. I would prefer to not experience - even peripherally - this one again.
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(((((Amber))))
Kudos, loud ones across the valley, for your fortitude and skill at keeping your reason and crossing this mine field carefully but with confidence. So glad it went that way.
And this is so familiar to me, I really know how this feels:
I have been made into a monster in Amy's perspective and receive all the blame for everything that ever has gone wrong in Amy's life (http://I have been made into a monster in Amy's perspective and receive all the blame for everything that ever has gone wrong in Amy's life)
I'm sorry she's so unwell and turning to unproductive escapes to continue. But it does sound as though the worst isn't happening. Just the arrested development so common to those who've been alcoholic or addicted.
I'm glad her boys have made it to ... are they 18? Perhaps one day they'll come to visit you, if you're up for that.
Hugs and quick recovery,
Hops
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The boys are 22 & 19 now. Making plans to move out - not with the usual support & resources, mind you. But it would do them both good to get out on their own. We don't have a lot of contact with them.
Not a lot of recovery needed for me. Hol is taking a little longer, but that is expected. She isn't able to understand why there would be such breaks in family member relationships - even though she's limited contact with her Dad for 25 years.
Progress on the studio is going well now. Probably a third of the siding is up; both back decks have platform built. I've been able to get inside now, so soon I can get started on the ideas/interior changes. And sewing! I looked fruitlessly for a car coat length sweatshirt - cardigan style - but I did find a pattern. And I still have lots of mending to do for B.
Waiting for this current heat to pass, then trying to unearth the garden from the weeds. SIGH. This month I've been missing my old pool.
-
I never hit Purchase but kind of fell in love
with a "sweatshirt dress" from Orvis. Wonderful
blue...
ENJOY it all. So exciting to think of you creating anew
in the studio. That's fantastic.
hugs
Hops
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I tripped over an article from Dec '22 in Psychology mag, on one of my forums, discussing how as many as 50-70% of people don't have an inner dialogue. It's not just that they don't talk to themselves in their mind, but many don't visualize either.
I'm a bit stunned by this, as I can't imagine how boring and lonely that must be!
But I guess it explains why I can't talk with some people and instinctively avoid them. The only time my chatter shuts up is when I'm weeding, then some other form of "thinking" takes over.
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Ever feel like writing down a sample of that inner dialogue?
Might be a great exercise and, selfishly, I'd love to read one.
Often wish there were an inner dialogue coach in my own head.
hugs
Hops
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Oh, I don't often pay attention to all the babble in my head long enough to write it down!! LOLOLOL.
Most of it is meaningless chatter. Every once in a while, an idea will sneak through.
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Got it. I thought you were referring not to stream of consciousness (alphabet soup) but to intentional self-talk.
Poets got NUTHIN' against babble!
hugs
Hops
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Lots to catch up on, as I mentioned in Tupp's thread.
Monday, this week, B, Hol & I agreed that it had already been a week - and not a good one. B is pulling teeth trying to solve two paperwork issues with his insurance. The first, is they had questions for the surgeon about his stimulator - which was implanted in April. Just yesterday, he got word from them that the battery in it (sealed in it, mind you) was approved. (Rolling eyes so hard I'm looking out my ass at this totally out there detail.)
The second, is that they need him to have a letter from the doc about how this device has either "fixed" him (a physical impossibility) or if he needs continued treatment -- which he DOES for the pump, which needs refilled about every 3 months. This letter needs to report the conclusion of a physical range of motion test, which so far hasn't been approved despite multiple orders/requests from the docs. Doc's internal insurance process had changed - and unbeknownst to B - his whole fed insurance group had changed TOO - so there was a new fax number which no one knew about. Understand, with the docs - there is no calling and speaking to a human being. You leave a message and HOPE someone calls you back OR we drive over the mountain for him to visit the office and pass on info in person. He never gets a phone number for the insurance people who are supposed to coordinate with his worker's comp people.
So, come to find out the Fed insurance people changed their mind what they wanted yesterday. Now, they want the docs to find a PT that accepts Fed Worker's Comp, to perform a range of motion test. :rolleyes to the outer limits of the galaxy:
SIGH.
Hol's situation is just as clustered into a mess. She has two more months of having to have the interlock on her car, as part of the DUI probation. Then, she's home free. No violations... everything is good, right? Well, it was until the unit gave her a warning that the system would lock out on the 6th, on her way to the monitoring appt. (They pull the data off the device and clear & reset it.) Technician reset it... and on the way home, she stopped at my house and dropped off our mail. When she started the car again - it gave her another lockout message. Aug 12th. She had turn around and drive BACK to that location over the mountain for him to reset it again.
And she also stopped by the court-associated office to check the possibility of a violation being reported. That's important because she would have to go back to court and start the whole two year process all over again. No violations on her record (though, admittedly, those people haven't always known what day it is most of the time). Her anxiety levels are beyond beyond, at this point... and she's done nothing wrong. Complied the whole 9 yards.
And when she got home from THAT reset, she got the lock out message again. By this time, she's on the phone with the company's tech support and they make another appt for her with the same techician for the next day. She shows up and the office is closed. Apparently ALL the offices nearby were closed that day and no one - including their company tech support - knew that. The device locks out on Saturday; she has another appt tomorrow. She ASKED if there was any way she go to another location with a different technician since this one doesn't seem to be able to correct the issue. B looked at it (no once but the tech is allowed to touch it) - and noticed that when the hood is closed, it's pressing on a wire connection for the device. Our roads aren't smooth and every bump is dinging this system and causing it to "short"... ie, seeing it as a violation.
I've not seen her have that kind of temper tantrum since we were dealing with Amy & the boys & abuse. I can't blame her either. When the system doesn't work and you are within weeks of being freed from those requirements - to have them not assume at LEAST the responsibility for making sure their equipment is functioning properly... and telling her lump it - which directly affects her life and they don't care - well, people think a lot of things they have no intention of actually carrying out. It's the last shred of "control" over their own life, they're reaching for.
Enough of that. Two weekends ago, B and I took a Sunday drive. And I revisited the location of the first homestead - the one built with Ex#2. I'd put it off but had wanted to do that for several years now. I turned around at the end of the driveway. That was close enough. I did drive up the next ridge trying to get a view of the house - but in 20 some years the trees have gotten a lot taller and I only caught a fleeting glimpse of the roof. Much has changed out there. Where I am now, I am much closer to banks, stores, healthcare, etc. and the land isn't so difficult either. But it's still very pretty down there. I think I just needed that bit of closure, maybe.
But a very strange funk has set in on me since then. That may be coincidental. Who knows? Getting through it, now; slowly. I don't know at all how to describe it - but my dreams are shifting too. Probably resolving things that way and I just need to give it more time.
Oh - still planting and trying to knock enough weeds down to harvest, too. It's raining today... so no idea what I'll get done. We have to run over the mountain tomorrow unless the docs call back today for the new information.
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Amber:
As you well know, the big unweildy systems are pretty much all broken......
healthcare, Vet services, justice system, school systems, foster care, family systems, prison systems..... broken in two, with zero accountability which could only help from the top down. I don't see it.... and if I do, the consequences fall ONLy on those who upset the people in charge and NOT those being "served" and failed by the system.
It's a hard pill to swallow and make peace with, IME. Sometimes impossible.
Hol is almost OUT of her situation and I'm sad to report the malfunctioning tech device on her car works the same as those strapped to people. False alarms, nobs in charge without accountability or the ability to understand exactly what's happenig with the failing technology....... and that's an extra layer of stress in a super stressful situation, esp when it costs $700.00 a month and maybe the people in charge are innapropriate and abusive, IME.
I'm sorry B is still being buffeted by the feds and insurance companies, but it's a big money making strategy, IMO, to thwart and otherwise beat down those seeking care they've paid for and deserve. Churns the dollars. Cuts down on expenses, sadly. Same with the justice system where one might assume starving children and victims of domestic violence out in court wouldn't be considered a valid and super popular strategy, but IS. And the Court officers largely don't bat an eye over it. So jaded and bitter and without consequences....... children and vets won't ever be on the list of priorities as long as harming them makes money. Same with the incarcerted and poor..... the ailing and sick. Someone's making money and they don't want their rice bowls f'ed with.
It's going to take another generation, if it's going to change at all, IMO.
Sorry you're in a funk, my dear. I hope the cooler temps are soothing your soul.
Lighter
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Amber, hon, just sending:
massive salad chock full o' antifunkidants
apolitical and handsome masseur
weeding fairies
a day pass for two new adult children
a pain fairy for B
a responsibility fairy with a brain wand
(*she's like Alexa: Just say something like "Alexa, twinkle my brain" and you get a break)
Less frivolously, I think you've been greatly affected by the daughter dynamics, and now an anger explosion from Hol and I wonder if you're more sensitive than you sometimes acknowledge.
It's rare for you to report funkitis, and in a backward way I was glad to hear it. Nobody can be hyperfunctional all the time, and burying oneself in responsibilities and projects nonstop is hard on the psyche, which might need to come up for a cry.
Hope this funk soon passes and meanwhile, you deserve gentle company and a peace. I hope it comes soon.
hugs and comfort,
Hops
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Working through it, Hops.
It's a new week.
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Sorry you're all still jumping through hoops, Skep (I typed Hops then, lol). It's endlessly frustrating when you know that whatever you do, someone else will bugger it up and you'll have to do it again. Can only say that I'd bet B is finding it more tolerable to cope with as a couple than it was alone. Other people are a distraction, at the very least. Hope things calm a bit and this week starts to get a little bit easier xx
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Thanks much, Tupp. We're working on it.
There just seems to be some really bad juju running around in the air over here.
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I hope the juju clears, Skep, it's weird how it seems to go in phases. I know from my own experience that a paperwork 'mishap' at a time when everything is good is a minor inconvenience, but can be enough to break me when 150 other things are all malfunctioning at the same time. I am constantly baffled by the apparent aversion to good health that seems to reside in such 'advanced' nations. So central to everything we all do and so difficult to manage without. I hope the latest thing shifts soon xx
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Hope the good-juju has surfaced again, Amber.
And Hol's recovered her equilibrium (and not by re-traumatizing you).
I thought of what several folks have gone through as PTSD.
Post Terrible Systems Disorder.
hugs,
Hops
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I just said a prayer for you and B... to move through the red tape and resolve B's back in the best way possible, Amber.
Lighter
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Sigh. It's getting better, but there are still struggles. Just life, you know? I'm just tired and definitely overly sensitive so it's getting to me. Oh, and on one of the cooler days, I planted more herbs and got zapped all over with no-see-ums again. SIGH. I mean ALL over. They aren't supposed to still be around in August, here.
A friend of Hol's recently bought a property (for playtime) reasonably close to here. She & the rest of her korass convened there Sat. night for a camp out. No S; no dogs to manage. A night "off". That seemed to help quite a bit. Sorta. I didn't hear much out of her yesterday.
Big doins' at the business; my guy in charge is looking to "retire" and we've been sorting that process out. He'll still be around 3 days a week, but most of his responsibilities will shift to his replacement. New guy has covered for him, quite a bit over vacation weeks and necessary medical leave. I think he's kinda tired too. It's a complete oversight on my part, but apart from a brief face to face meeting on my last trip up there... I've not spoken to new guy. I'm gonna bet that fact is just as prickly for him, as it feels to me. So, I have to remedy that this week.
I'm still a bit shocked that it's been 15 years, since we made the big change over to ownership of the company. Time flies when you're just as busy, as ever.
Contractors pulled off to work another job, for a couple days - that stretched to 2 weeks. A couple carpenters were here yesterday, part of the day... and hopefully they'll pick up manpower & put in full days this week. I'm pretty tired of the lumber sitting around (and warping in the heat)... and not being able to move on to the interior changes we've been talking about in the studio. But this contractor had retired, and got bored... and his carpenter is also as old. They have some younger guys too... but the energy they had a couple months ago has worn off, it seems. So I'm not impressed.
But it does seem the season is shifting now. Cool again this morning; 50 or so. And because of the lumber piles, it's an obstacle course getting where we keep wood stacked. B just has one more thing to update on the backhoe, and then make some space in the shop for his mill & lathe. And work on wood, too. He'll still be here, when friend Deb comes to visit over Labor Day. She needs some "time off" too, from her own "crazy".
Sigh. I'd like a "vacation" too.
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Sounds like you really need to charge your batteries, Amber. That won't be easy if you're working in the heat, covered in no see;um bites, for sure.
Tupp said she uses tooth paste for the itching!
Lighter
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Toothpaste is a new one! Never would've thought of that. They are getting better, more quickly. I think the benedryl helps. Who knows? I have gotten some mosquito granules for the place I seem to always attract the nasty buggers. Even if it doesn't wipe them out, maybe it'll disrupt the life cycle enough that they aren't so bad.
Charging my battery would be nice... but there's no rest for the weary right now. C'mon FALL!!!! that will help too. I have 3-4 sewing projects on my list with most stuff acquired for them. But the studio is a disaster of smooshed together furniture until we have safe stairs to redecorate.
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Wheweeee! Come on fall!
Can't wait.
Light
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New windows are in; they are very nice! Buck & I are gonna insulate/finish the interior ourselves. Holly is busy telling everyone how they're "doing it wrong" and "how I would do it" - SHEESH; give it a rest!! But I'm making headway with her on that one.
Moving ahead with retirement/new prez at company next week. I decided to let it (and my anxious brain) settle and heard from corp lawyer which gives me focus on that "to-do". It's just conversations and paperwork atm, but it still feels like a big significant change, even tho "guy in charge" is still gonna be around enough to keep the transition smooth.
I've been picking Hol's brain on paint colors for studio since she is the master colorist. We don't always agree, of course... but it keeps her part of the project. The two of us do spend a lot of time checking in, out there. Sometimes B joins us - but S never does. It's just the way he rolls. Gonna meet up this afternoon to move some furniture back from the center of the room, in preps for Deb's visit. And clean... the dogs use that room too, as their "indoor playpen". It's 40 ft long... so Knuckles is used to chasing a ball in there.
B is STILL trying to get the paperwork issue over this range of motion test sorted out. It's STILL not set! He was going to go back a month ago to get the mill... but now we're too close to the pump fill appt. More eye-rolling, but he's long past letting it make him angry. He handed the PT office girl the drs. orders for the test, gave her the number to fax it... and the insurance people still haven't gotten it, to release the approval BACK to the PT office. 3 weeks we've been explaining what needs to happen. I like him being around, but I know there's still too much to do at the other place.
I think some of the "difficult" energy is passing, for me. I'm closer to having a green light to finish up stuff I wanted to do before it got so bloody hot. I think the garden is a lost cause - AGAIN. I did get some onions and potatoes. Tomatos are there, but still green and buried in the weeds. I'm giving them another 2 weeks, then pulling them. I know the dirt's fertile enough. We've watered regularly. So, it's something ELSE wrong - most likely the tall weeds.
I think we're going to have enough 6x6s, etc left over from the old deck to build both woodsheds. We'll do that ourselves, since we're over waiting on everyone else to get things done.
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I''d love to hear how the studio colors choice pans out. Obsessed with color, me. Even though I have warm-light gray walls in part of the house, there are colors for about 60%. Very eclectic. I watched a flip show the other night and Every Single Time they consulted their designer, she proudly showed them nothing but gray, griege, and various whites. BORRRRRing!
Good to know you and Hol can brain share on that.
So sorry you and B once again have to try to explain to sluggish system folks what needs to happen, and one branch or another drops their end.
Glad you're letting the funkitude blow through. No season is a fail, they just keep coming. Fall in the mountains? Stunning.
hugs
Hops
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Amber:
I'd be SO relieved to know the old manager will be available during the switch and perhaps beyond. That must take so much off your mind!
About the medical.... B's a hero when dealing with red tape and BS..... the armed services is made of the stuff, as I understand. He's gutting it out... what are his choices? Amazing man, B.
About the tomatoes.... once I watered mine too much and got huge green stalks and leaves and very little tomatoes. Just saying. Could be that's a part of it.
For the studio, I vote duck egg blue/green..... it makes my soul calm and happy just to look at it.
Thanks for the update.
Lighter
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Well, I'm leaning toward tan walls - it's tan with enough pink shade to read "warm", not blah. Ceiling will be a soft white and trim/doors will go sort of grayed down burnt sienna or mahoghany color. But I have time to change my mind - need to get drywall on site for the walls under/around the windows and pegboard downstairs for B. We're going to raise & box in a section of ceiling to mount a ceiling fan. Ceilings are too low to just surface mount. Originally, I was thinking white walls & ceiling - to give the most neutral "tint" for painting... but I then realized, I'm not planning on doing much painting. Sewing and perhaps some images in pencil or watercolor. But mostly sewing. I've got 3 projects waiting on non-dusty conditions in there.
Then, the old very cheap kitchen cabinets need to come down & go buh-bye. That will open up a big chunk of wall & floor space. There is a corner next to the bathroom that'll become a functional "tiny kitchen" and big broom closet. Open shelves for the glassware I keep; some mwable fiesta ware... have been looking at looking at invection burners and convection/air fryer ovens. We don't really cook out there - but we DO indulge in snacks!
Gigantic chocolate lab brown sectional sleep sofa is gonna go away and Hol's more mid-century black sofa will come in. Pub table is either getting cut down to coffe table height (Hol wants to keep the poor scarred up thing, because of the "history" of all the marks... :rolleyes: ) And I have at least 2 (for now) big cozy leather chairs for the bi-weekly "connection" & "catch-up" meetings we have around here.
All that is going to only be 1/3 of the space - the rest is actual studio. I may have room for some kind of sleeping arrangement, but I already have a double sleep sofa that might get added, opening up more space in the office. Decorating around here is constant "tetris".
B is still here. He finally had his PT range of motion test. Took 2 hrs, but lots of good news out of it. Even with his back issues, he's kept himself in good enough shape that his body is younger than his chronological age. But we STILL can't find the sweet spot on the stimulator. Because the leads are attached at S1 and S2 - the last 2 nerves on the spine, in him it's spawned some unwelcome and uncomfortable - and potentially dangerous - side effects. In that, he's so nauseous he can't keep anything down, and his sensory urge to empty his bladder & empty his bowels is gone. He can't even concentrate and "will" it to work.
Only the very first post-op program for the stimulator provides some relief without generating those side effects. Manufacturer's rep doesn't really believe us that within 12 -24 hrs after initiating any other program, the side effects return. So currently, the stimulator is off for a week. She asked for a month - and I negotiated it down because as of this morning, his pain level is way up again. Charging up the TENS unit, for use during this "time out". The side effects began after she programmed a different section of the lead to the nerves. We weren't even out of the parking lot - and he got zapped in the testicles. And it was a big zap. I pulled over and immedicately turned the controller down.
She is ignoring my suggestions - and our first-hand testing - that it's the stimulator causing these side effects but any quick search on the bodily sensations controlled by S1 & 2, quickly LISTS precisely those symptoms. Yeah, they're rare - but we already know his brain is wired differently. At least, I do. So, this rep is getting a taste of just who the "shield maiden" is and what her role is, in the patient - med provider relationship. I am not hostile or unreasonable, but I don't take not being believed sitting down, either.
He sure isn't one of those people who whines over every ache & pain; but within the constraints of placement at the time of surgery - and the type of stimulator - there should be a decent amount of pain relief without the side effects. And better education of these reps, wouldn't hurt either. It is not acceptable for any quality of life expectations to have to choose between even MORE Rx/life limiting "treatments" for the side effects or a high level of pain. He did have the NP (who I like very much) bump up the pain pump a smidgeon, while we try to figure the stimulator situation out.
I don't think it's too much to expect that he feels well enough, on a usual daily basis, to do the things he enjoys doing. And of course, these issues affect his mood. He's frustrated and not persuaded that he just HAS to become a recliner wart for the rest of his life. And he will push through and endure the pain to live his life.
There IS one more possibility, which involves another surgery - and the regular kind of stimulator. But that requires an orthopedic surgeon this time, due to the scar tissue around his spine. I don't think he'd consider that until after he finishes moving here. But at this rate - he can't clear the appt. schedule to get back and get another load.
So, there are good days - and no so good days. Some nights he can't sleep because of the pain. And we keep looking for those "simple things" that bring pleasure, laughter & joy. I'm right here, going thru all of it with him... so yeah, it's affecting me some days too. I'm reading and falling asleep early; trying to keep my energy levels up. We're watching favorite movies & series - right now, into Deadwood again.
Looks like the contractors might be done before Halloween. Starting on the 2nd set of steps (1st & back deck is complete) and siding the 2nd story.
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My old friend B who's coming to visit has an implanted stimulator too. I wish B's was working as well as his. Makes me sad to realize your B is still suffering.
Hang in there, you two.
Hugs,
Hops
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Tetris decorating is exactly our style too, Amber, lol.
Exactly.
I'm always surprised at B's ability to persevere through so much pain and medical incompetence/stupidity/obstructionists. His mood would fluctuate.... how could it not? I don't know whether to pray for another surgery or not. I'll focus on relief and more good days than bad.
Hope your contractors finish up in October.
Cool weather has arrived, YES!!
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Well, last night contractor said they will likely finish next week. But we're getting rain from a nor'easter this weekend and into Tuesday - so we'll see. West side (tall side) is completely sided. 2nd new deck is mostly done; it still needs roof over stairs. That's to keep it cleaner in the snow.
I've spent my time this week exploring ideas/options for the interior remodel. I still need to insulate downstairs in garage where a french door was removed. Pegboard for there, and drywall for studio will be here Sat. I also ordered enough beadboard to set up my back door mudroom & finish the walls in the laundry room. Next spring, we'll take out one of the garage doors under the house and close it in - that becomes my big storage pantry/root cellar type storage.
B hit a hurry up & wait on the backhoe refurbish, so he's cutting up & splitting the trees we had taken down this spring. Grrrrrrrr.... stimulator rep convinced him to leave it turned off till Monday, when he shows up for a knee exam. I guess MAYBE she took the time to look up the functionality affected by nerves S1 & S2. I hope so... or shield maiden is gonna reveal her berserker lineage... LOL.
Hol has finally realized that even when S is home - she is the only one doing EVERYTHING. This morning, she's assembling/customizing what stovepipe pieces she has to get her woodstove ready for another fire season after the chimney fire. If she doesn't call my sweep - I'll do it for her. She's ordered a high wind resistant chimney cap to cope with the wind tunnel effect of being almost at the bottom of the hollar. Next weekend, she's paying a buddy of hers and one of his workers to FINALLY get the greenhouse put up. I've suggested S might should pay have of the agreed price... since he's the one who kept promising to help her and didn't. If he doesn't want to do the work, it's just as reasonable to pay someone else to do it, n'est-ce pas?
B's mood is about what you'd expect. going without the extra pain relief of the stimulator. But it isn't bothering me. When I get tired of the grumpasaurus, I've got the studio planning & interior work to do. And that's a FUN exercise. I've had the basic idea for years now. And as I start to refine/measure/map out and think about surfaces & finishes for this "tiny kitchen/bar area" - and how that further impacts the REST of the multi-purpose space - more & more new things are occuring to me. Just like with the paint colors... that room is less about the stringent "rules of thumb" for image creation and more about my new inspiration for sewing & fabric stuff. I might even revisit the wish to get a loom, and start some weaving. Don't know yet. There is going to be some serious furniture swapping going on, to provide accommodation for overflow guests. Plumbing changes too. But all of that can happen in it's own time with no pressure.
Well, we have some errands to run this morning. So, I need to check my stock & see if I have enough sour cream & a can of chopped chili peppers for the batch of chili I'm making this weekend. Then, we're gonna hibernate this weekend.
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Skep, 'shield maiden is gonna reveal her beserker lineage' is now my current favourite phase :) Lol. I do hope that B gets to a point where this constant pain and the endless back and forth to doctors and insurance people is at least manageable. It's so tiring trying to find a way through it all. I'm glad you've got plenty of projects and home work going on to give you other things to focus on (although it must be exhausting at times). Be good if H shoves S up that chimney from time to time :) Might perk him up a bit lol x
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Everything Tupp said. I loved the shield maiden berserker invocation too!
Amber, I wonder if there'll be some shield maiden art coming out of that beautiful studio.
Now comes incubation and cozy project time -- spring creativity might be a rushing stream.
Hang in there, you and Mr. B. I also found myself agreeing with the suggestion of using S as a chimney brush. LOL!
hugs
Hops
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Oh yes, we hadn't thought of that one! (other things, definitely!) But methinks he's eaten too many of her biscuits & gravy to get IN the chimney now. That image will give me something to do on day 2 of Ophelia rain.
Rain always adds a bit of rhythm layer to B's pain. Thunderstorms are usually Wipe-out on the cage fusing his lower back. This steady soaking rain is causing him constant aches. He slept for 4 hrs. yesterday afternoon. I rewatched the '81 version of Excalibur. Tomorrow is the knee exam, and meet with stimulator rep AGAIN. Sigh.
So, he's suffered another week of pain just to PROVE to little Ms. "expert" that there is for sure a direct connection between the nerve stimulation on the last 2 programs and his bathroom issues. This kind of dismissal of both our troubleshooting/observation skills - along with my quick deep dive research - sets off one of B's triggers. It sets off something different for me, but until she actually looks through the programs and CHANGES the setting back, for where the electrical zap hits exactly on that nerve... she'll just keep getting the same result. THAT'S what has to change. B knows he's never going to be completely pain-free. At our age, none of us are. The location/type of stimulation was always going to be different & less effective - we knew that from the beginning; accepted it. It was the best the doc could do, given the amount of scar tissue in the usual location. And the weather is always to impact him negatively, too. (He sez it's what his "people" are good at - rain dances! LOL.)
I think tomorrow, I'll don the high priestess garb. Monotone, early evening blue.... with appropriately selected mineral/crystal jewelry. It's good for my chi. And great camo for dealing with recalcitrant, over-educated doofuses who don't LISTEN to what their patients are telling them. I can sit there silently, and summon a pretty good-sized ball of energy - just holding it - and when I do speak, simply point out the OBVIOUS. That way, IF she completely dismisses his EXPERIENCE and my OBSERVATION, in creating a new "genius" program that will 100% work THIS TIME, (just trust her).... I can let the ball of energy loose. It's also appropriate garb for martial arts. :)
We absolutely love his NP; that's who the knee exam is with. She listens, she's smart, and she's judicious with pain relief solutions. Experienced. An open demeanor. Funny and easy to talk to for B. An ally.
We're dealing with mechanical and software engineering. We both have deep, long experience in those areas. Time to change the power dynamic of "who's in charge". The "nice way" didn't work.
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That dress sounds divine.
Crystals might diminish your stature in her eyes if she interprets them as woo-woo or "anti-medical" (might not but could be for her, subliminal cues to identity).
Cammo might ditto in another direction.
Warrior woman and martial arts fantasies could cause the ball of energy to be explosive, which would perhaps undermine the success of this frustrating, tedious, annoying but necessary dialogue with Her Deafness.
Even though you're right as rain, which is raining down on you both. It just ain't winning unless she is appealed to as B's partner and champion and healer.
If she fails B again, I'd ask for the highest-ranking practitioner of same. In a controlled but formal and determined fashion. I'm a fan of CCs to higher ups, rarely but when I'm sucking a brick wall.
Good luck, vibes aloft!
hugs
Hops
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Thanks Hops!
"Her Deafness" indeed! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
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Well, there's good news and not so good news.
Good news, is instead of stimulator rep #3, #1 showed up. Provided the info, that the "hot spots" on individual leads number 4, and are specific to individual programs. Those hotspots aren't programmed indepentantly across all programs, in other words. Said an xray would provide info on whether a lead had come unattached or shifted.
She agreed that going back to program 1 made the most sense and to keep it at a very low setting.
Still, the side effects have re-occurred, so the stimulator is currently off completely pending the appt with the surgeon and orders for the xray. (B was hoping to get back for the big load next week. That ain't gonna happen.)
The knee exam, which I didn't figure would be problematic - set B off into a total meltdown. NP, inadvertantly - she couldn't have known - hit his primary trigger buttons. He's had the motor function in that leg just temporarily shutdown & reboot - usually resulting in a fall. That concerned NP, so she wanted to investigate further. B is convinced it's connected to the nerve damage from the original injury. Xray showed minor arthritis - which he's had since his 20s. At our age, it's common anyway. But, at that point B just shutdown and ranted and couldn't hear a thing she said. She caught me on the way to check B out (since he put distance between himself and the office) and apologized again. I told her it was OK, while I navigated all the other admin type stuff.
All he's asking for, is an articulated brace. To help stabilize that leg - but those words have been lost in the emotional hurricane. I've already ordered one; believe it or not, Amazon carries them and they're not terribly expensive. It appears well made and functional; adjustable.
I felt so awful for this nice NP. It wasn't her fault; he's not really angry with her. It's a basket of things in his past that hit abandonment and being "disposable" issues. I want to find a way to tell her that outside of an appt. She's been helpful and cheerful above & beyond the call of duty, while at the same time, bringing a good level of professional skill & knowledge to the situation.
B is still processing his feelings and what his brain is also telling him; and what I've told him about my perspective of what happened. And that it's perfectly understandable that his patience just took a hike on hearing - what he THOUGHT - was the same old BS. It'll take more days; maybe weeks. And by the time of his next fill, maybe he can make his own apology to her.
Meanwhile, the contractors are ALMOST done with the studio and Home Depot has told me they delivered some of my order.... that I didn't receive. Think I'm scheduled for Saturday - AGAIN - for that delivery. Hopefully it doesn't rain. That's why it was rescheduled the first time. People I talked to last night were clueless.
S is temporarily back home, from 2 weeks of work out west. He leaves Friday again and has another week-long commitment coming up. So far, Hol is taking it pretty well. But they STILL haven't talked. She barely hears from him, when he's away and she worries. I think between the two of them, I need a spa day!! At least a long 90 minute massage. But so far, I've kept going with the fun design stuff for the studio interior.
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Personally I wouldn't worry about the nice doc too much, Skep. If she is as good as she seems to be, she's probably been over his notes and wondered how the blazes he's kept going all these years, and people blowing up must be a fairly regular thing. In her shoes I don't think I'd be taking it personally. I know I get so stressed at every appointment now because we've had so many awful experiences that I can blow over something fairly minor and mishear what I'm being told sometimes. I think a good doc understands that (and should do more to sort the ridiculous systems out, in my opinion, but that's a whole other conversation :) ). From all the things you've said about B no doubt he'll chat it through with her next time when he's calmer and things will have settled a bit by then. I'm glad you've been able to sort a brace easily, and I hope this next round of trying to sort it all out means you are finally close to it being 'done', however that might end up looking. It's so draining. I'm glad he's got you around to buffer all the medical stuff (I accidentally typed 'bugger' then which was kind of funny :) ). Lol. I hope your stuff arrives at some point! Deliveries are so weird sometimes x
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Actually, the materials delivery and the medical dreck seem to me, to be the same thing Hops. Entropy at work. Entropy in the system, education, priorities, etc. B has supplied the 4000+ pages of his medical records to this team of docs. The knee issue is documented in there, from the time he got up out of the wheelchair and worked to get his motor function back.
In the meantime, it's now my turn "in the barrel". SIGH. Coming back from a planning session with Hol at the studio, the earlier "dark" got ahead of us... and I missed the last 2 steps on the new steps and face planted on the concrete. Sprained my bad ankle pretty good; other knee and palms scraped and one lens of my glasses engraved with deep scratches. So, now I have BOTH him & her riding herd on me.
I don't bounce as well as I used to but I still bounce. Hol was able to get me up the stairs even tho the pain was so bad, I thought I'd broken it. B took over from there and began administering all the usual - including a doubleshot cocktail, for liquid ibuprofen. That was a rough night, but the next morning it was lots better. Swelling & pain down, nothing's broken except my fantasy of being an active 60-something... LOLOLOLOL... and they have threatened to duct tape me to the couch this weekend.
This ankle & I have a history, so I keep an adjustable cane in the umbrella stand/coat rack. We had just gone to the grocery that day... so no need to go anywhere. Hol went to post office & picked up a part for B's backhoe work - which seems neverending. He has an appt Tuesday with the surgeon and stimulator rep - for an xray to see if he's torn the leads to the nerves loose. The bathroom symptoms came back, even on the original program, set very low. It's possible he ripped one loose falling (knee issue).
And if the "experts" had simply LISTENED to what we were saying without jumping into each piece individually to problemsolve... they mighta put 2+2 together. SIGH. I hate industrialized medicine. It hasn't made anything more affordable; it hasn't improved care or access to it (that's what happens when you let insurance decide if something is medically "necessary") and overall diminished the help available to people.
If I'd gone to ER, they'd have told me to do what I'm already doing - elevate, stay off ankle, take ibuprofen to reduce swelling, ice/heat, and maybe done an xray to "prove" it wasn't broken and then thrown excessive painkiller pills at me. My life doesn't stop just because I'm temporarily "limited" physically. I can't have my mind fuzzy.
That foot - ankle - knee mess probably does need a close exam. AFTER this heals back up. I know I need more arch support, but that foot has always been "out of alignment", since birth. Pain of the annoying level, a frequent companion. So, it's time. Both B & I are sneaking up on 70, so we ARE getting older... even if we do keep as active as we can.
Oh, and the old home theater system receiver died... so after talking to a lovely CSR at Crutchfield, I have a new set up to figure out and learn. Maybe have to call Crutchfield AGAIN and maybe order another cable. But I don't mind. I am unclear on the solar charged remote.... but I think it's working coz I can turn tv on; just get no image or menu or anything. Instructions and manual are pretty useless, btw. 275 pages of pdf manual that doesn't say connect A to B... just pictures and a brief sales pitch of how wonderful my new paperweight is.... LOLOL. But that'll keep me busy while elevating the foot.
I was gonna update my over 10 yr old system for Christmas, anyway. So, I just went ahead and ordered it now.
Now, to attempt making another pot of coffee with my cane. :D
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OWWWW, hon.
I'm so sorry about the ankle wreck. I feel ya. My ankle injury a couple years back was waaaay painful. And healed completely. I do not offer patience while healing but have heard of it.
This is not a harbinger of nuttin', except that you know natural accidents and natural deficits (or slowings or warnings) come along with the containers we live in. I think you're pretty sanguine about it all. Kinda fun to think of you duct-taped to the couch, though. You'd probably chew through it in about 5 minutes.
Tenderness toward it all. You are remarkably strong and purposeful and this is tough, when faceplant shocks do happen. So glad it wasn't worse.
big hugs,
Hops
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Sorry about the ankle, Skep. It's amazing how easily something can happen. I'm glad it isn't worse and hope it starts to feel better soon.
I hear you re the entropy and the instruction manual! We had new heating put in recently, I ended up having to go on YouTube to work out how to set the temperature right and put it on when I need it despite having a huge manual - I couldn't find the bit I needed which for me is all I need to know - temperature, on and off. Lol. I don't know why things need so many features now. I can't use my phone for the same reason :)
Anyway. Healing thoughts for you and B. I'm glad you are both 'project minded' people who can plan and organise if physical activity isn't an option. Cane operated coffee production deserves recognition, I think :) xx
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Thanks for the warm fuzzy thoughts!
I've had issues for years with this foot, off & on. And the day to day twinges/failures are finally getting to the point that I was beginning to consider it's time for a podiatrist before my splat. The swelling on the ankle has moved to the top of my foot, so I'm still pretty immobile. Considering Hol driving us into the city over the mtn. on Tues, to rent an automatic. I don't think I can operate a clutch yet reliably and I have to stand on that foot getting into both jeeps.
But it IS better; mostly just achy yesterday & this morning. If I move wrong and without total attention however, I can tweak it. And I'd rather not.
New tv system is sorted and we indulged as part of "testing". <grin> Dinners for the next few days are handled. So the next time we need to go anywhere is Tues. I EXPECT I'd be recovered enough to do so, IF I wrap that ankle. But we are in wait & see mode. Hol has offered to help with all the things around here and to act as chauffeur and gofer.
B's new brace fits and seems to help. Studio should be finished in the next few days. Contracts for the shop are about ready to edit/refine & send proof notes back. B & Hol are cutting/stacking wood from the two trees we had taken down in the spring. Probably won't need to cut anymore. So we're hunkydory around here, even with the crap that happens.
My feeings have been all over the map - but just little flashes, then it's move on to something else. There isn't anything heavy weighing on me. Still keeping tabs on the news but anymore, it all seems entirely irrelevant and unimpactful to life out here in the boonies. They don't care about me - and have no inhibitions about making it obvious and forthright - and so, I don't much care about what's going on in other places, including the government. Never once, in 67 years have I been asked what I think or how things should be handled. I have mostly tried to follow the rules; it having been conditioned into me that this was the grease that kept society functioning. Anymore, it seems like that's now becoming frowned upon and in some case - punishable by law.
Kinda makes me glad, I took on the challenge of becoming a hermit - at least mentally. I like people one on one, and in small groups well enough. I know how to work with teams. Collaboration is fun for me. But I have no desire or need or wish to expand my life into what everyone is doing, thinking, or especially their feelings. Life is hard, no matter WHO you are, at times. And everything changes. I am committed to enjoying my current slice of contentment come hell or high water, as invisible as I can be... as long as the rest of the world leaves me alone or doesn't pose a threat, inhibits basics needs, or tries to force some other version of morality on me.
No one died, and made them God.
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So, B's xray proves he didn't tear out either of the stimulator leads and that the symptoms were likely caused by the location of the "hotspot" on the leads. Tech moved it yesterday and also adjusted the frequency and type of pulse. So stimulator is back ON. So we're in wait & see mode now... fingers crossed the symptoms don't come back. Then the troubleshooting gets more invasive, because we'll have to eliminate other causes. But, we're pretty sure it's the stimulator, because when it's off, within 48 hrs the symptoms go away.
Rented an automatic yesterday because my jeeps require balancing and jumping off sore foot, and a lot of clutch work. It was supposed to be a sedan, but ended up with a small pickup... which I still have some; not as much; of the same movement to get in the driver's seat. Wore my Uggs yesterday, and discovered the sole and that much ankle support is just about right for right now. Ran a couple of errands in town; will go the other direction to grocery tomorrow. Might just extend the rental and let B run back for another load with it if they'll let us convert to a one-way. We'll see.
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I know you'll do what you're gonna do, Skep, but...
things heal more quickly when I allow them to rest, IME. Activity lead to more heal time and often more injuries.
I hope you feel better quicly and B's docs figure out the problems with the stimulator, sooner than later.
Glad to see you're getting so much done on the farm: )
Lighter
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Well, it's been a week now that B started a new program on the stimulator, with a drastically shifted "hot spot" on the leads.... and the previous elimination malfunction symptoms have NOT returned. Fingers crossed, we think this one is gonna work. He's getting decent pain relief on it too. And the knee brace fits... but that still needs some tinkering with to make it work better.
My ankle is healing up too. Rental goes back Tuesday - but now it feels like I just wasted the bucks on it, to pacify my motherhens. Be that as it may... I haven't even TRIED to get into Rudi yet so I don't know. Ankle itself is stable, albeit the usual ache - so I'm thinking I didn't technically sprain the ankle. I think I landed on the concrete, with the foot underneath me. Contractor is rectifying the too-short platform at the bottom of the steps.
Meanwhile, Hol was getting out of Helga and smashed her ribcage on the B post... bruised, hopefully not cracked. And now my oven is on the fritz - right before major baking season!!! Technician will be here Thursday. Stove's not that old; maybe 3-4 years but something's gone. Maybe the digital control panel. I was trying to preheat to 450 yesterday, and after an hour and it still wasn't there yet, I remembered I had an oven thermometer; it only read 350. SIGH. It's always something, ya know? At least where I bought it has in-home service.
Found a bar island I liked for studio, but it ships assembled, by motor freight - which means an 18 wheeler. And there is no way that big a truck can get up our road, without an experienced, local driver. (It happened ONCE, building the Hol Hut.) I called the company, no other options. But I did find a ready-to-assemble one at Lowes that might work just as well. I'll look at it again. This one is solid wood, so refinishing is a possibility.
It's turned chilly this weekend, with a good breeze and off/on rain. I imagine we'll spend some time out in the studio later this afternoon. B needs a haircut today, too. And I've stayed off my feet this week, taking care of all the "admin" crap that piles up in post-it notes on my side table, the employment contracts, and window shopping for studio furnishings. I can actually see the top of my desk needs dusting; guess if I get really bored I could back up the laptop files. I need to do that anyway, since Microsoft has gotten so pushy about "don't save that file to the computer - put it in the cloud!" -- where it can be hacked by more than half the world. Sigh.
If B continues to do well over the weekend, he'll probably head back for another load in a week. I don't think he'll be gone all that long though. He has a fill appt the end of Nov.
So even with both of us hobbling along - and Hol beating herself up - it just NEVER ends around here. New tv setup is nice though!! Only 3 pieces and the sound bar provides a "clear voice" option that makes it easier for B to hear dialogue without maxxing out the volume. Been watching the Band of Brothers series on Netflix.
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Lordy, you have a lot on your plate. Maybe you can have the island delivered somewhere down the mountain and drive it up yourself?
I'm crossing fingers and toes B's new setup will do the trick. So relieved he's getting some pain relief, finally.
You and Hol have to heal up and that requires taking it easy, as you've done, IME. I'm trying to be very careful with myself. Sometimes I feel like The Predator when he's abserving everything around him...... I'm thinking ahead to foot placement and balance...being very deliberate where I moved very fast as priority in the past.
Mindful is priority now.
Lighter
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LOL... the road from the highway to the hollar gives a lot of people "fits". And terror. Had servicee guy drive out to put new tires on front of backhoe and the tech from the appliance center to troubleshoot why my oven isn't working (burnt through element). Both of them commented on the road being dicey and neither of them were "city boyz".
My ankle/foot are now down to a dull ache; still purple in places. I still can't be up on it a lot or race up/down stairs but I'm back driving Rudi again. I am resting the foot as much as I can.
Hol has company this weekend; a friend of hers & his buddy who build greenhouses, etc landscaping stuff. The greenhouse will finally get built (or mostly) this weekend. After having it here 2 years. Hol replaced her chimney parts and installed a high-wind proof cap by HERSELF (S was "working" again). B checked it out and approved for test fire to see if there are any smoke leaks - maybe this weekend. S said he would help with greenhouse (it was his idea in the first place)...but OOPS... he had to work an extra day. I don't think Hol is real impressed, since he's turned down work before, claiming he just didn't feel like going in to the city. She's been like an energizer bunny trying to get all the "must complete before winter" work done, this year. B cut & split the two red oaks we had dropped in the spring and it's all dry, seasoned wood - so she's all set.
Local cattle farm sells vacumn packed cuts of beef and Hol's mini-freezer hasn't been turned on yet. That's what she asked for, for Christmas. LOL. I've got the order ready to put in.
B's symptoms came back on the new program. We turned the intensity down, over half - without turning it completely off this time. Symptoms cleared in about 20 hrs. So, every day or two, we bump the intensity up one point... and wait on symptoms. We're trying to learn the range that provides enough pain relief without symptoms. And I'll write it on tape on the controller, so he doesn't forget when he's not here.
I've gotten contracts out to the two guys at the company involved in the President transition. Waiting on signed copies, to come back to me to send to lawyer -- and my brain WANTS to catastrophize & worst-case scenario this -- but I just don't have the bandwidth left to worry about it. The questions & issues that have come up have been easily accommodated... and even an unexpected request from the new bookkeeper involved didn't throw me for a loop. My personnel costs as a % of sales are crazy high, but I've refrained from calculating that %. Business is contracting along with the economy, and with inflation creeping up continually it's harder for the employees to make ends meet. My bro & I have reduced our income, and most of that goes to paying company taxes, but for social security age people the income is decent and we can't complain. I have heard from bro for the first time, that he might consider selling the company instead of passing on the shares to the kids. If he thinks about it, he's probably not serious - but you never know. Hol & I haven't discussed that either, in depth. With what feels like everything in the world very uncertain, the only thing she can focus on is the farm.
Right now, my studio work table has drywall on it, till I'm flexible enough to cut the pieces down to fit the windows. But I'm going to go ahead and cut out my sweatshirt cardigan anyway. I'm running out of "admin stuff" to do sitting down and the ankle's not good enough for me to start demo'ing the cabinets and getting the rest of the new arrangement ordered and going. I have to paint first and that will involve a stepstool. SIGH. Hol is trying to get a decent inventory of leather items ready for a show at the end of the month so she's busy too. Besides, I really WANT that sweatshirt right now!! LOL.
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Just a quick update. Looks like the studio is down to just a few bits & bobs to finish up outside. My ankle is getting better, so I'll run down when it's daylight to make the final punch list for the carpenter. Hol's been busy-busy in her studio getting ready for the artisan show at the end of the month. She and her friends have the base structure of the greenhouse complete. Lots more to do, so they'll be back.
B and I found the upper end of the range on his controller, that causes the symptoms to return. It's a really short range - 4 points - so the painn relief isn't ideal, but it's better than nothing. Tech is researching program adjustments for the end of Nov's appt.
I got my sweatshirt cardigan cut out. Might could get it stitched today, but I'm planning some fancy seam finishing. That should reduce some of the fleece "fluff" in wearing. Also got a dress form ordered... along with the padding kit since gravity has taken it's toll on my shape. I've never had one to use before, so we'll see how helpful it might be.
Next up, making B a frontier shirt... and maybe another chambray work shirt. Then, a simple chemise that I MIGHT just handsew... dead of winter project, ya know?
And I need to get back to sourcing the kitchen components for the studio. I also have a few outdoor tasks to complete once I can really move that foot & ankle well again; trust it. I'm overwintering 5 of my lavender babies inside this year; I could maybe repot the smaller ones now, and get some room in the barn for Rudi to spend the winter. Brandy-new soft top needs a good bit of care.
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Sounds so lovely, Amber. All of it.
Must just be an amazing home. And the sewing!
An old friend has returned to the area and I'm enjoying seeing her again. She quilts, sews, paints, you name it. Was great to see her charming home -- small and so well situated and full of color and a great outside space with raised beds. Cozy and lovely.
Hope B's stimulator is soon located and regulated so he really, really can go a day with little pain. And you too, glad the ankle is healing up well. Can't imagine anybody keeping you pinned to a couch for long.
hugs
Hops
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The sewing projects sound great, Skep. I'm glad you've worked out the range on the pain relief thing, it's frustrating that effective relief brings those side effects as well. I hope the medical people have got some more ideas on finding something that ticks all the boxes without causing additional problems. I'm glad the ankle is getting better. Probably doesn't dare not to ;) Lol xx
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LOL... last night the ache in the ankle was keeping me awake and Jack, the new kitty snuggled right up on it and absorbed a lot of the discomfort. First time he's done that - the other two boys play Dr. Purr when I need it. Hopsie, no one chains Amber to the couch! I was good and rested it, and used a cane when I had to get up for the first week. Two days ago, I cut the drywall for studio's new windows. There are still bruises, it still aches but I can function and I'm still letting it heal. However, that gets expensive (see below)!
Ya, B's symptoms are back, even at low settings, so it's off again until the symptoms clear, then we'll turn it back on lower than the low end of the range. He still has the morphine pump and that was adjusted up a smidge last time, so he's not without SOME relief. So, he has a TENS unit that gives him some temporary relief and I have moist heat, microwavable pads that have helped too. Senna tea is MOST effective on most of the symptoms, and it seems even when he's nauseous, he can still eat the local restaurant's pizza. There are worse things for him to eat, than pizza. We are coping as best we can. He's learned to refocus his mind on tasks at hand, the knee brace is helping stabilize him so he's safe while working, and so he can ignore the pain until he stops.
Yesterday, we were going into town and watched a bike rider just drop his bike in the grocery entrance. I pulled over & B jumped out and ran back to help the guy pick it up. (Must be a new rider, he was having trouble.) Somewhere I've read/heard, that pain is just weakness leaving the body... LOLOLOLOL. I'm here to tell ya, there's a level of pain that I WISH would leave, sometimes. I turn into a crumpled crybaby at a certain level. The rest of it, I deal with. Just as grumpy as he gets, sometimes... but we kiss & make up.
Maybe "dancing until we can't" was a little optimistic. Right now, it's more like we'll hobble along together!! My oven is fixed now, so a batch of cookies is on the to-do list.
The current "to-do list" is mostly things to buy - before we can't or they get even more expensive. So, when I'm resting, I'm shopping... we have to run to PO today to pick up some packages. That's how this gets expensive.
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Good boy, Jack. Living heating pad with purrs. Awww.
So sad that B is still getting whapped and so very sorry he has had to learn how to cope with (ignore? impossible for weaklings) fucking PAIN all the time. Nature is mean. Sending hopes to add to the pile.
Your recovery sounds like it's working and the domestic projects sound nourishing, in many senses. You're like a human cottage industry, with multiple cottages.
hugs (and more awe),
Hops
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Well, after many years living "out" like this... I now instinctively check the air, and know when it's time to do x, y, or z around here. B has all the downed wood split & stacked. Hol has her own. The last bit of work on the exterior of the studio happened today. Floodlights are up.
We're now ready to move inside; got one more tool to tape & mud drywall, after Hol screws the boards up. Then I can prime & paint. When B gets back in Nov/Dec, we'll open a hole in the ceiling to recess the motor of a ceiling fan. That needs some drywall too. And I have some insulation & pegboard to put up downstairs in the garage. Beadboard to come up the house for the "mud room alcove" I've had in mind for years. I'm pretty sure my ankle isn't ready to be on a step stool or ladder much, yet... so taking down old cupboards and patching/painting is going to have to wait. Besides, I positively HATE rolling ceilings! I'll paint all the blessed trim myself before doing that. Walls, I don't mind.
Most of the sewing is for me. I'm really having a hard time finding practical and comfortable, yet not men's clothes, to work in. Duluth Trading used to have things I liked and they do wear forever. But no more. Still a fan of J. Jill - but those are mostly loungy things or going to town clothes. And not very practical for working in. I will say they last, tho.
Yeah, there are a lot of different things that need to happen around the property at various times. So, we have resident "experts" - Hol is leather work, but we share back & forth on herbs & remedies & planting. B is mechanical stuff and lumberjack activity (yeah, I know; but he insists he can still climb trees with spikes & a harness...) I end up being the overall project manager and purchasing agent, but have skills to lend just about everywhere. We can all cover for each other when needed. It's how it needs to be to work.
You'll note I didn't include Mr. S in the skills list. He hasn't demonstrated he has any to contribute to the mix. His birds are getting picked off one by one... and B is the only one comfortable (and qualified) sitting out all night with a rifle to eliminate the offending predator. I include him in the category of Hol's 3 cats & 3 big dogs - he's snuggly (when he's here) otherwise he needs an awful lot of care and following around to clean up after him. She makes all kinds of progress when he's gone. And she's noticed that on her own.
SIGH. The list is ongoing; we missed our shot at getting a load of gravel this year for the driveway. We have salvaged a lot of deck posts for building woodshed next spring. Eventually, I'll need to redo the house decks... but we can probably squeeze another year or two out of the existing.
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Work clothes?
Orvis
Sierra Trading Post
Carrhart
Dickies
TrueWerk
More...https://www.zappos.com/p/helly-hansen-luna-light-construction-pants-black/product/9573393/color/3?utm_source=google&utm_medium=pla_g&utm_campaign=19809366932&utm_term=_o_52391655&utm_content=_g_143774769981_w_pla-2032369520597_l_CjwKCAjwp8OpBhAFEiwAG7NaElDrAJfiTOUCzhvdGOXhMubaE8IXjE0hhYxXVrBT3GXAiWcPCzd4lRoCPNYQAvD_BwE&gclid=CjwKCAjwp8OpBhAFEiwAG7NaElDrAJfiTOUCzhvdGOXhMubaE8IXjE0hhYxXVrBT3GXAiWcPCzd4lRoCPNYQAvD_BwE (https://www.zappos.com/p/helly-hansen-luna-light-construction-pants-black/product/9573393/color/3?utm_source=google&utm_medium=pla_g&utm_campaign=19809366932&utm_term=_o_52391655&utm_content=_g_143774769981_w_pla-2032369520597_l_CjwKCAjwp8OpBhAFEiwAG7NaElDrAJfiTOUCzhvdGOXhMubaE8IXjE0hhYxXVrBT3GXAiWcPCzd4lRoCPNYQAvD_BwE&gclid=CjwKCAjwp8OpBhAFEiwAG7NaElDrAJfiTOUCzhvdGOXhMubaE8IXjE0hhYxXVrBT3GXAiWcPCzd4lRoCPNYQAvD_BwE)
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I''m glad projects are moving ahead on the farm, Amber.
Sad.... almost to the point of feeling ill.....thinking about B always waiting for relief.
Lighter
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Well, it's not like the docs & techs aren't doing all they can to help him. No blame there, you know? Each pain patient, and the causes/functioning of pain are unique. One thing I've become aware of, after spending more time with him, is that there is a neuro-psychological component to it, also. I'm still watching; noticing; clocking observations... waiting for confirmation or signs of "if this, then that". Studying. It's not the main culprit in pain sensations, I know. But it's so intertwined... sigh. Complex.
And then, there is the simple natural fact of aging and how that changes a body & the person, him or herself. I think he's coming around to acceptance and understanding - without "giving up" and not trying to be the best he can.
He's got a strong sense of dark, twisted humor that goes a long way to sustaining him. Getting him through all but the worst days. And we're slowly meeting people around here, too. So his support network is growing, instead of shrinking.
Really, this group of docs is doing the best they can. And not every day is dark & gloomy. It's disappointing in the extreme, when he finally gets some relief - and it causes other issues. The tech responsible for programming has 3-4 weeks to research the WHY and what can change to avoid that. She already knows B isn't expecting complete & total pain relief. He'll figure out how to deal with whatever relief he can get... as long as he isn't regularly experiencing all the other problems.
Today, I absolutely MUST try to un-bury myself from the mountain of post-it notes!! Even persuaded Hol to get smaller ones, to keep our lists from getting totally out of control... :rolleyes:
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You have such sane and sound perspective on B's pain, Amber.
It must still peck at your heart to witness this in the man you love.
But you're both dealing, as best you can, which is way better than for a lot of veterans who don't have warrior princesses on their sides.
Loved hearing y'all are making more friends in the area. That is a GOOD GOOD thing! No matter how self-reliant and off the grid one is, we need community, all of us. I'm glad to hear y'all are connecting there more.
You never know when a remarkable long friendship could come from a chance moment of openness.
And, given how you cook and bake, wouldn't be hard to facilitate!
hugs
Hops
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Thanks Hops. It's been busy around here, so necessitated a lot of interaction with various people.
First thing this morning, he said he woke up around 4, having to vomit again. We'd turned down the stimulator even lower last night. And the other symptoms are back too. So it's now turned completely off and symptoms will be gone tomorrow. He leaves Sunday to get another load. SIGH.
Both Hol & I have offered to come help but he's not having it.
We're tired. But hibernation season is almost here!
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Makes my heart hurt. I so hope the next step eases his pain.
What would an emotional stimulator look like?
(Tongue in cheek but actually could be a good metaphor
for what some people do, I think....)
hugs
Hops
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Well, it's not like the docs & techs aren't doing all they can to help him. No blame there, you know? Each pain patient, and the causes/functioning of pain are unique. One thing I've become aware of, after spending more time with him, is that there is a neuro-psychological component to it, also.
And waiting.... always waiting.
Lighter
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Well, I'll never use this contractor again. We spoke over the phone Friday, and he told me the balance due was one number. I double checked what I'd paid vs the contracts and got the same figure, more or less. Yesterday he shows up and that number was 3X the amount -PLUS, B noticed the wood used on the deck roof wasn't even pressure treated. (SIGH) along with some other lack of attention to detail.
The look I gave contractor could've frozen hell. And I wrote out the check, and was ready to be DONE with him. Then, he mentions he met Hol the other day and asked me, if she was just like her mom. At that point, the smart ass in me was no holds barred and I said:
"Depends on who you ask. Ask her dad and the answer is yes." And the flames started to shoot out of my eyes, as I turned and walked away.
I'm still thinking about starting a civil suit to recoup at least half the amount he soaked me for. But then, when someone does me dirty, karma is usually on my side. I just need to get it's attention and point it his way. While I indulge in living well - the best revenge.
There are few other things I can do, aside from that.
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B's symptoms are starting to lift this morning. He worked outside yesterday and slept well; ate dinner - no more nausea. Tomorrow we turn the stimulator back on again, starting at the lowest setting and he'll bump it up one setting a day, until the symptoms kick in again. This is all useful data for device tech's information and maybe he's not going to be able to turn it on at all. SIGH.
Yes, Hops. An emotional stimulator would be handy some days!! Dial-a-mood... LOL. Remember mood rings?
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I'm tempted to get one now!
https://nuscimagazine.com/how-do-mood-rings-really-work-2802b7400de1/ (https://nuscimagazine.com/how-do-mood-rings-really-work-2802b7400de1/)
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LOL... I had one as a teen. As angry all the time as I was, you'd think it would never change colors. But it did. Like a lot of other "things" in my life, I jettisoned it and moved on.
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Bet you're fit to be tied over that triple balance, Amber. I'm SO sorry that happened to you and dealing with a bit of it, not to that extent, myself.
I contracted for $30 an hour, then my contractor was like..... "I didn't count hours and I don't want to... just pay me X dollars" and that became our "new": deal without my input. I handed him $200 less this past weekend and have my head screwed on straight for the conversation we need to have about it.
Not saying I don't get my monies worth, but these guys THINK they get SO MUCH DONE and they do.... but only bc I'm runninng, fetching, prepping and working alongside. Paying them for my time seems so very wrong.
I'm so ready for us both to be done with our big projects. I'm ready to do other things.
Whatever you do with your contractor..... keep it out of your daily life, if you can. It's not likely worth a lot of aggravation if you can avoid it, IME.
Lighter
Lighter
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Lighter, I think he knows I know just how badly I see him, and his method of doing business now. Karma can be aimed sometimes... <wink>
The studio does look great now; and it's done & they're gone. We kept all the leftover lumber. I'm moving on. B leaves tomorrow and will be back within the month. Hol's art market went well. She only sold 3 sets of shoulder pouches but the host asked her back for Christmas and offered her 3 shelves of retail space in their cafe. That should be more manageable for her, than the race to the deadline she did for this market.
From here on out, I think we're going to build everything ourselves. For as much as B has bad days, he's still strong & capable. I still have skills and can manage pretty well. Hol, when she's not totally stressed out, is also strong & capable. I have tools, Hol has tools, B has tools. Dedicated woodsheds are the next on the list. The bobcat has an auger attachment for footers for posts.
The back deck on the house is the next that needs upgrading... but that's also where I want to pull most of the deck off, add a roof and build a summer kitchen/airlock kind of porch. And I just can't wrap my head around the problem with the angles back there. But that can wait a bit. With B moving in, lots of re-organization needs to happen as I FINALLY get to settle in and set up the spaces I already have, the way I envisioned using them. Somewhere in that plan, I need to settle on a location for an elevator, too.
Hol is all gung-ho on making sure I can function on my own without her assistance as long as possible. <rolleyes>
And that it's not going to demand a whole of privacy-invading, effort on her part. LOLOLOL. Yes, we have those conversations... (20 years too damn soon; but hey, she's a planner too.)
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Lol oh bless her, Skep, I have a sneaking suspicion that you'll be last of the bunch needing care lol. Also hoping for a 'boulder on the truck', Wiley Coyote style for the contractor (no persons injured, obviously, just inconvenience to deal with). Glad your ankle is improving, hope B's pain management is finding a balance again.
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Well, B is back at his ranch - and having convulsions over how much has changed in the 5 months he was up here. Everything from a new highway being built in his small burg, to his D making questionable life decisions - and not even breathing a word of it to him... to things being stolen. SIGH.
Poor guy. Inconsideration, deceit/dishonesty, disrespect - and shock at how fast changes can happen. And being a strong manly man... (with all that entails)... things like this provoke the usual control-issue reactions. He is already trying to process it all though, even though it still hurts. I could only suggest he escalate his timeline for finishing the move. Now, in a couple few days, he'll come back with some new plans, I'm sure, if I give him enough time/space to think about it.
And I'm using my extra time/space to finish up my sweatshirt, deep clean the main floor we live on, finish insulation & drywall in the studio... follow up on shop transitions, and the usual stuff. Got the freezer defrosted finally! When the power was out 4 days (4 years ago) it frosted up pretty thick and I hadn't even really cleaned out all the stuff that wasn't much good anymore. Good price on std cuts of local beef, about 1/2 a cow, to share between Hol & us. Now, I need to bulk up on chicken & pork.... or maybe B will harvest a deer when he gets back. They're running this week.
Hol & I put up the big pieces of drywall in the studio this week, and even with the thermostat set down & the windows open for fresh air... it was cozy in there during our first taste of winter. We have small pieces to cut & put up around the windows, then I get the tape & mudding job. Cabinets are all cleaned out of stuff I simply "thought I might use" when I moved; I've pared that down to the actual things we use. Those will all go on open shelving in the re-do, later.
We moved almost a dozen aloe plants inside right before B left. So my downstairs is looking pretty cluttered. We had to pull a lot of stuff out of the studio garage and store at the house till the contractors were gone. B said he'll put it all back next trip.
Hol's done pretty well, from that tiny, not well advertised art market. Friend of hers designed/printed/shipped business cards for her and she's gotten a custom commission from someone. She heard there's an even bigger one (next year) "over the mountain"... I know there's lots more than one... that she might try. But she doesn't like the idea of doing a lot of shows; much rather produce on a steadier, regular basis to the retail market. We've been talking about some of the local options. The main thing she needs is reliable fast internet, though. Yeah, she can use mine but down in the hollar, there just isn't line of sight. And in fact, it might create an issue with satellite provided signal too. The ridges block out that much horizon. I might research a few options.
Well, my house needs me to get moving on the next phase of de-cluttering today. I'm dogsitting Knuckles while she makes a run into town. And there's all kinds of stuff to do outside, too.
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You're busy busy busy, Amber. You sound happy: )
Lighter
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More of the same continues... I did get my sweatshirt cardigan made. Took a couple posters into frame shop for B. Managing logistics on getting one of his vehicles up here this time. He arrives with another load beginning of next week. We're doing minimal stuff for Thanksgiving... I'll probably bake a couple pumpkin pies. Debbie's running out one day of the weekend for the afternoon. Hol has another art market to prepare for; she's adding some aprons, totes, and possibly a new pouch design.
Today is the grocery run for whatever we decide to eat; turkey isn't something any of us (not even Freddy the Cat) like much. I do have a rack o' ribs from the butchers frozen. Corn pudding maybe, and mac & cheese oughta cover us. All of that subject to change at the last minute. It's all casual...
There's some nice warmer weather around the corner for a couple days and I have some outside clean up stuff to do. My ankle is much better, so I'm starting to work with some adjustable ankle weights. If Hol can help, I need to load the spare tire in Rudi... and get some shorter new ones; these are almost 10 years old but in great shape. Driven just enough to keep them round for all that time. But a jeep on 35 in tires is pushing it for two old coots, especially one with an iffy ankle.
I need to do a little research into a weekend getaway, for B and I. Someplace with no work for him to do... and we can just go have a little fun and R&R. Hot tub would be nice too... maybe the ski areas.
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Waiting for some info on delivery of Land Rover. It'll be either be today or tomorrow. I EXPECT to be called because driver can't find my address on GPS; that's fairly normal around here. And I seriously doubt he can get that 40 ft trailer up the road TO the Hollow... or turn it around in here. At least it's not wet right now. Might have to call a tow truck/rollback & meet this guy on the highway for transfer. We'll see.
Except I'm not finding phone numbers for local towing service, go figure.
ADVENTURE! LOL.
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Always something with mechanical things, Amber.
Esp if you're dealig with so many diverse vehicles!
Hope you and B find a lovely little resting spot to burble around in that nice hot tub you have in mind.
I'm team chicken, not team turnkey, for the record; )
Have a lovely holiday!
Lighter
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Thanks for the reminder to actually LOOK for a nearby getaway, Lighter. It's been a little busy. Land Rover arrived and I have good reviews of the hauling company contractors. They prickled my attraction to the exotic, being recent E. European immigrants... I can't pick out the subtleties of local accents but it's somewhere in that block of countries. They DO know their business and their customer service was impeccable & kind. We had to find a local towing service to get the rover the last couple miles up our road (hauler had a 40 ft trailer that wouldn't be able to navigate our daunting road)... and after 2 days, yellow pages & online searches, I came up empty. Hol has AAA, so she called them. Done & dusted.
As for rental moving trucks, however... that's a completely opposite experience. Except for ONE Penske truck, every single truck B's driven up here has had issues of some kind. We're avoiding UHaul, as much as possible now. Last truck would only go 35mph and in the mountains and on I-81, that's simply dangerous. That trip took him 3 days to get here. Enterprise is kinda flaky, too. But the situation down there seems to have run rampant with chaos... so alternatives to self-moving are getting discussed this time. I think he's ready to just BE here. The logistics are complicated, but it's not impossible.
Hol is getting more & more frustrated with S. His lack of consideration for her, inability to communicate like an adult, obliviousness to what amount of effort & responsibility is required to live her (she's doing EVERYTHING w/o respite or help - and trying to help B & I as needed)... it's more a child-parent relationship and she's well & painfully aware of that. After the last time she blew a gasket at him, she expected to have an adult conversation with him about their future as partners. That was 3 months ago... and he's been almost continuously working all that time, Only been home about 48 hrs before going off again, for weeks at a time. So they're hardly spending any time together, much less quality time. I am concerned about her waffling on making a decision - it's like she doesn't think she is allowed to decide to "throw that fish back" all by herself. That she doesn't feel powerful enough within herself, to shed the pretense and extra work he makes for her by being so self-absorbed; extra problems too. But she's gonna have to get there on her own... and thankfully, she's recently brought a lot of her women-friends into the discussion; she's not just relying on me anymore.
I know SHE knows, she does need help out here; a real partner. And someone who likes to do things outside of here, with her. She is kind of afraid she won't meet anyone, but I think the recent art market exposure is helping with that some. Just for her to go out with her friends to a concert, requires a dog sitter because those events are so far away. I do cover for her... but I don't spoil them as much as she does. The dogs are a HUGE part of her life and take so much time, especially the new one what with training.
Oh the drama..... sometimes B & I just laugh. I'd call this kind of a mid-life crisis, but the S relationship started out as a rebound fling for her. And all along, S's behavior has been like this... and he's TOLD her he isn't going to change; this is how he lives his life.... and she puts up with it. And WORRIES about how he will live if she does throw him out. Of ALL THINGS... <rolleyes> Yeah, he knows he has it made is my guess. And I probably ought to tell her to stop complaining, if she's not going to DO anything about this. Yeah, I know... it's one more thing "on the list" that SHE has to do. But I think it would lighten her load a lot. She knows what I think. I sure hope she doesn't invest 9 years THIS time, trying to make a decision... and being miserable that whole time.
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Ooof. I feel for Hol, and for you watching her.
Did she ever find a therapist? I hope so.
It would help her change herself.
I am drawn to stories of women who survive abuse and find their power.
Realized I think neglect is a parallel cycle to abuse.
Maybe he's just a lazy, self-absorbed person. In me, a pattern was repeated over and over...but it was instinctively being drawn to narcissists because I was intensely trained in how to keep my attention on THEIR wellbeing nonstop, not my own.
Hol will get there but I sure understand how hard it is to watch her repeat, repeat.
The only response I've read about that can be helpful over time is: "What are you going to do?" in a gentle, not critical tone. "What do you think you're going to do?"
And accepting "I don't know" as a legitimate answer.
One otherwise-unhelpful counselor once said something that stuck with me: "You can't help the way you feel, you just feel that way." Sounds silly because it wasn't the long-term solution, but I hadn't known that. Feelings are just weather and they do change with life.
hugs to y'all,
Hops
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Hops, I remembered you talking about that response. Used it, directly. And it seems to go right past her ears... until a couple days go by and then she comes out with a thorough analysis of her potential options - and predicted outcomes of that. LOLOL. And I think she is hearing my concern that seems to put her agency; her druthers; at the bottom of the big "list". That's popping up in weird ways.
This is an on-going issue with her. Has it's highs, lows, uncertainties... and crises. She's spending an enormous amount of energy on examinging it in excruciating detail. What Lighter calls, nose on pebble. But she's handling it OK. They're going out to a matinee this afternoon, so we get a short visit with Knuckles.
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My nose has been so buried in pebbles at times I have to go to the ER to get them removed with fancy tweezers. Or sometimes I'll wear two forceps locked open to give me gorilla nostrils. I'll just shove bigger rocks in those.
(Not actually. LOL).
Happy to hear Hol's plowing her way up her pebble path!
And HAPPY THANKSGIVING, to all-a y'all. This VESMB board is right up top on my gratitude list, and I'm grateful to bask in this connection every morning. The gratitude list is long.
Today I'm writing a lay "sermon" I'm giving at the UU church this coming Sunday. About the planet, our relationship to it, the spiritual aspects of changing what we can and going forward despite all the rest. (I usually preach to myself.)
hugs to you and B/Hol/even S/Knuckles...all of VESMB, and Doc Grossman!
Hops
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Thanks Hops! The message board is up top on my gratitude list, too! Happy Thanksgiving to all!
As always,
Richard
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It was a quiet peaceful day yesterday. All is well. For which I am grateful. And except for a pile of dishes (hello, you poor neglected dishwasher) today will llkely be an extension of yesterday. We do have a few errands to run locally. But last night was so quiet there wasn't a car to be heard on the highway. Busiest thing, was right before bedtime, B watched 8 white deer butts go bounding across the front yard.
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Think I found a LOVELY cabin isolated on 7 acres (and no neighbors I can see from the pics)... it's close enough to a few small towns that we'll have some activities available and dining out options too. And it's not yet ski season, so it shouldn't be crowded - YET.
SIGH. We really do need to get some "just us" time.
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Cabin is BOOKED!
I've already made my list of what to pack... Dinners planned... in case we don't go out to eat... driving the jeep so if it DOES snow - we should be fine. Still need to get it inspected before we take off. And we're just a little giddy over the prospect of it.
B hasn't been doing all that much work, since the stimulator side effects are plaguing him still and nothing's really "broken" right now. I did find a recent study on exactly the thing he's experiencing from Oxford that offers recommendations for alleviating the side effects - all of which we've done, except I'm adding in an extra one: I'm going to start documenting when we turn it on/off and how long it takes for his body to get back to normal. I don't know if that data is going to be helpful or not... but perhaps a pattern will become visible that will provide some guidance on the way forward. Taking it out, is NOT an option... unless all else fails, then it would be another - more major - surgery to put the other kind of stimulator in the old location and given the complications pre-existing there... and the length of recovery... well. We don't want to go there.
Pump fills will be done at home now, the next time and going forward. That'll be a good thing. And he's worked with this company before so they already have all his insurance data.
Hol's art market yesterday wasn't all that good on sales. BUT, she's got more info on the retail space and another vendor took a card for someone in the town over the mountain (and she has a shop in Dulles Town Center) who's looking for good leather work. Guy is a woodworker; just a kid - who learned from his Dad and is using his shop. Dad showed a lot of "interest" in Hol... which she's a bit boggled by. LOL. And she's - "oooo Mom gross!" - making friends that are local. Which is EXACTLY what she needs right now. She needs some help from me on the business side of things, but I'm willing to give it and help her make it easy. And that'll help her when it's time to step into my shoes at the shop. She was over the moon yesterday... feeling happy and satisfied... and not. quite. trusting. it. Sheesh. Second-guessing herself is second nature. But she might be seeing glimpses out of that.
It's a gray foggy day here on the mountain... but it's damned cozy! First batch of Christmas baking done; just need to cut the bars and pack away. They'll keep for quite a few weeks and I'm planning to deliver to neighbors again. This recipe makes a LOT. I'm not going to go overboard this year, but there was a request for peanut butter cookies... :D
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Gray misty days are my favorite weather. Hope yours stay cozy.
Sad to hear of the ongoing issues with B's pain stimulator. I thought about how my chronic, NOT acute (or seldom truly awful) back pain dominates some days/months, and am awed by your tales of B's endurance and resilience. Hope somebody tells you such stories of your own.
Sounds like Holly is having good movement in her life. Just changes in assumptions, a chance to experience new positives. Even the woodworker guy, if she enjoys him.
Pooch sends rude regards to Knuckles.
hugs
Hops
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Getting excited for our trip next week. Change of scenery; peace and quiet. B's not feeling the greatest but we're dealing with that.
I just noticed Tupp's thread has vanished. Wanted to wish her a Merry Christmas...
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I am very sad that Tupp left.
No blame whatsoever for how she feels; I would too.
I have missed her every time she backed away and can
only hope she will be back sharing what she can
with us -- when she's willing.
hugs
Hops
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I hope you and B have a wonderful holiday trip and season, Amber.
You guys deserve some time on your own.
About Tupp.... I hope her time away from the board leaves space for more human connection.
She's very wise and it makes sense to me, though she's missed.
Remember your boundaries, dear ((Tupp.))
Always checking for updates.
:Lighter
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How did the cabin getaway go, Amber?
Hope it was GOOD!
hugs
Hops
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We both thought the other had loaded the electronics bag. Didn't realize it till we got to Canaan. Stopped & got phone chargers; asked for directions (because even though I had those in my purse - they didn't match up "on the ground". LOL.)
Lots of snow! And COLD... it was 32 when we got in the hot tub; and that was fun but wet bare feet on ice, not so much. House - well it looked like world market had exploded in there. LOL. A little too busy for us. But the furniture was elaborately carved heavy wood; exotic. It was nice just being away from everything.
Coming home, we made the loop through Seneca Rocks - and I think we'll try to stay there in warmer weather. Got home and it was 20 degrees warmer!! Even though we're north of that location. Ski resorts were making snow. Got to use my 4 wheel drive.
We both really needed the break!
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Soon gonna need a '24 thread...
and who knows what will happen?
This year hasn't been awful - though the struggles have been "real" LOL. The studio exterior is completed; till spring anyway. I finished insulating the removals in the walls downstairs in the garage. Drywall's up, in the studio above. I can take my time, with the joint compound stage. I'll need to skimcoat some cracks in the ceiling. B is gonna look at installing a ceiling fan (which we need, since we smoke in that space). The rest of the major remodeling is going to happen a step at a time; given when B is here and what else is going on.
Still working thru the trial & error process on his stimulator. Currently on "option 2" of a new program. We'll see how long till symptoms return with this one. Effectively, as much, long, as we need to turn it off so his symptoms clear - he doesn't have that half of the pain mask at all. I'm now documenting everything, looking for patterns. And the doc's office has gotten hostile recently, insisting he jump through excessively impossible hoops. Come to find out, the phenomenon of medical gaslighting, is a "thing" - with even docs talking about how to counter it. The request is rational - that he stop his Rx for oral pain relief and turn in what he hasn't used. Because with the pump & stimulator, even though it's not functioning (which doesn't seem to register with these folks**) should replace any need for the oral drugs. Even though B's experience of the equipment failing and justifying having an alternative also makes sense.
Upshot being, they're piss testing him and require a receipt when he turns in the Rx... however everyone we've called only has a dropbox; no one gives a receipt - not even the DEA, we called them too. In other words, no one believes he isn't taking the Rx in addition to the mask relief or that he isn't selling them on the street. :gggggggggrrrrrrrrrr: Two can play that game and I can do with an evil smile... we'll take the Rx to the next appt and have THEM sign the receipt. Pharmacy said they can't accept or receipt the turn-in, because of their inventory regulations requiring them to report to DEA. DEA won't do it either.
** I found a detailed article, referencing a study done at Oxford that detailed EXACTLY the kinds of symptoms - due to nerve stimulation at this location - he is having and the NP wanted to argue that the hard copy wasn't a an actual study... and refused to accept that the article had a web link to the full study from me. "We've never heard of this before" is an unacceptable dismissal of what I've documented and he experiences.
And they wonder why he has a quick temper in response to their excuses, denying, dismissal, refusal to HEAR him and try to work out a treatment option that WILL help. There is a reason I go to every appt with him because I can stand my ground and not be visibly angry and try to negotiate a better result.
He and I are getting along pretty well; like all couples there's a bit o' friction from time to time. Most of it due to each of us having spent so long in other relationships - and more recently on our own. We both have habits that need to change to accommodate the needs/wishes of the other.
Holly & S ALMOST broke up over Christmas. Long story; you've already got the gist of her discontent. He's quite the drama queen, I must say. But that just runs right off of her. She isn't standing for any emotional blackmail or doing ALL the heavy lifting in the their interactions. (Can't call it a relationship; even after 5 years.) I don't know how it's ultimately going to turn out... but it's heartening to see how much inner work she's doing - in her quest for her personal answers. She's come a damn long way from her teens. He doesn't see the need for any change on his part; no lightbulb moments -- and she is an overachiever in the communication department, even about feelings.
She's had issues with the solar system this winter; and it's been physically uncomfortable due to hardwired smoke alarms. In the middle of the night; upsetting the dogs - and S. While she's trying to manage the "crisis", troubleshoot the system, and seek advice/help. Knuckles was at my front door the next morning and he wanted nothing more than his couch pillows and pets and calm. We're his refuge and second home.
Found disppointment over Christmas, when I tried to hook up my 10 yr old wii system to new tv. Wanted to spend Christmas day in jammies playing games... found pieces I needed that are S'POSED to work, but don't. Hit the tech support websites and still no joy... but in the scheme of things, it's kinda silly to fuss over.
B's been here most of the year, this year. That's been fabulous! And with his help, much is progressing. Next year, we're building woodsheds and clearing more fire break around studio & house. Garden again, of course. More herbs & learning which ones are helpful for his specific pain... and getting him moved & house sold.
And maybe some more fun stuff next year. And for now, it's hibernation season!!!! I need to piddle at the work in the studio, cut out the chemise I'm still debating handsewing (victorian style), change my mind 6 times on studio paint color... and update "the list".
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What colors are you considering for the studio, Amber?
About the pump and medical gaslighting..... old memories and traumas in my body stretched and found exhaustion as I read about your ongoing experience. The profoundly wrong-ness of paying people in positions of care and protection to harm those they're who's care they're harged with continues to strike a nerve for me. I cant quite describe the sensation, but it's there and my father used to refer to it as "something clicking" in his gut. It clicks in mine too.
I don't know if it's reactivity, exactly, or the universe pointing at outrageous truth. I assume it's some of both.
I hope H figures out the S thing. It's really about her and her relationship with self, isn't it? Not about S, at all. S is her pebble, me'thinks.
Let me know what colors you're thinking of. I'm hoping you choose something you're happy with at every mment of the sun's movement. Sometimes it helps me to look at a sample morning, noon and night.... and quite a large sample.
Lighter
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Everything Lighter said. Yes.
I'm into fantasizing about your studio colors, too.
I dunno what to send your way about B's endless ordeal.
But I am grinding my teeth at the illogic.
Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh, thinking of you....
hugs,
Hops
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Right now I've settled on ceiling, an off white that's warmish...
a PINK (just the word makes me want to revolt; but more description later)
with a brownish/warm gray for trim. Not a sharp contrast between walls & trim; just a definite "edge". Color is more brown than gray.
I've NEVER been a fan of pink - tho' I've mixed it many a time for skin tones & skies. It never had a presence in my wardrobe... and never, ever, kill me first - in my house. Then I saw a pottery barn styling photo of light pink and gray bedding. Pale rose shade, I guess... and I HAD to have. There have been a couple of blush pink shirts added to my closet.
Behr calls this paint color "Island Hopping"; so the shade is in the coral family (went thru the turqoise/coral phase in a small way at the beach)... and the tone is VERY LIGHT. Like pink tinted white... and just a smidge more color. In bright sun, the pink fades away even more. The brown trim color is very soft, like a smudge but cool enough to make that clear definition of trim.
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The studio has been a mish-mosh of things I brought from the beach, all this time. Why spend the money when I already had stuff that would function -- and when the use of the room expanded to "non-judgemental, venting therapy romper room"... if something got damaged, no great loss. We have gone through 2 sets of chairs for the pub table, courtesy of Holly depleting anger. The pub table itself (black lacquer) is scarred with the long days/nights of communing around it - at the beach and here. The plan is to cut it down to coffee table height and surround with couch and club chairs; again using pieces I brought with, initially.
Put the dress form together yesterday; I still need to adjust it and pad it for my shape. Bought a sundress last year that I love; but the straps are too long and there will need to be a few more alterations to it made. And I need to push myself ruthlessly, to decide whether I really need to keep a lot of the crafty odds/ends that I've been storing for years. Which includes a ton of stuff in the attic!! And I'm still working thru the massive "inventory" of things Mike bought in bulk, "just in case" - or when he knew finally, that I was going to be on my own. So, that stuff is still "in the way" of plans.
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Amber.... what did Mike store away in bulk that you've packed and moved with you to the farm? I simply must know!
And.... what is it about pink you've had a lifelong aversion to? Is it the perceived PINK is for (vulnerable) girls and BLUE is for action oriented men who can protect themselves and do?
Or is it the way you've seen it used? Barbie houses and little girl ruffled clothing? Maybe? Ways going against your style?
Since Pottery Barn used it successfully, maybe it's just that you never saw it used in a way that pleases the eye before? Tastfully and with restraint... zero ruffles, ribbons and bows?
Not sure.
About Hol breaking things when she's angry.... and in your presense, I assume. I have an aversion to irrational violent lashing out with words and actions. It disrupts my Nervous System, sends me into survival mode, esp years ago, so I have a visceral response/reaction to it....... I think I've had it since I've had children, to be honest.
My children weren't too violent, thank goodness, but my niece and nephews were, pretty much unchecked, and then there's been the children my kids went to school with who bit, hit and bullied...... just a zero tolerance thing in my gut.
I ONLY want/am driven to channel Hol's appropriate anger into something not involving hitting/harming herself, others or property.
That's it. You've boxed and likely have gloves and pads..... that's what I'd try to do, not that you're asking, but there it is. Some people need to hit things. It's just a fact. I was one of those people. Still love it if my shoulders weren't so touchy about it,. but I'd enjoy goading Hol into throwing smashing elbows, punches an open hand strikes till her legs couldn't support her and her bladder gave way.
THAT has the benefit of training her to protect herself AND create more peace/harmony in her life an those around her, which feels like priority to me.
My bar, with regard to what I'd allow in my life and childrens' ......
is it legal?
Can they/I perform the action in a public place with strangers OR is it going to be problematic or illegal, etc? If not, it's not going to be allowed around me. You feel you're absorbing it in a safe way for H? With Hol? Maybe you are. You know. I don't.
If she's not up for boxing..... I'd be the person who said I was walking away until the angry person could speak to me respectfully and without being violent.... then I'd retreat until they changed the behavior..... I think. Kids are tricky and I'm not a perfect parent, so.... take the unsolisited adice with the obligatory grain of salt.
And....
I suddenly understand why the dog shows up on your doorstep, seeking shelter. That's really scary, IME/IMO but then, I'm still struggling with guilt from sharing pretty calm, but urgent verbal processing of problems in front of my younger children, performed in order to remain sane enough to continue protecting them to the best of my ability from monsters.
I guess my internal mommy compass yearns to protect/teach Hol and channel her difficult feelings in ways I found super helpful. That's pretty much that, not that you're asking, but I'd allow those conversations ONLY if she was wearing gloves and I was holding pads during it.
Otherwise..... otherwise.....
My thoughts fly apart in the face of allowing Hol to splash apart peace and harmony around her, including her own.
I think you should see how that pink ish color works for you. I didn't know how differnt blues, pinks and cream would look on Christmas cookies this year, but DD21 mixed and used them to produce cookies any Pottery Barn catalogue would be envious of.
If it's OK....keep it.
If it's not.... it's still OK.
Repaint and you don't have to judge or justify it to anyone, including yourself, IME.
Lighter
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For me, too, a chair-smashing presence would cause a short circuit and immediate directions to the exit. I just don't feel an obligation to adapt to the most forceful energy in the room or pretend to be unaffected by it. It's still...force. To me, traumatizing. I ain't a placating audience for this sort of show. Somebody can use up their rage or frustration somewhere else if they have eruption issues. Go split wood until you're exhausted, Hol. It's energy and you can make it useful.
About the pink discussion. I remembered being just enraptured by the gentle illumination in a friend's home, which I attributed to her learning from film industry light designers, etc. Turned out was it was simply her choice to use pink-filmed light bulbs everywhere. Very subtle ones and the effect was never so strong I ever caught on, but once she told me why the space felt that way, I was pretty dazzled. I can't find bulbs with a mild pink tint these days. Hers were incandescent, another issue. I'd love gentle LED bulbs with that tinge if I could find them, but all I see seem to be an aggressive tint. "Party" bulbs, etc. Oh well.
I'm def a fan of intriguing paint with a subtle pink cast, too. I painted a room once with a paint literally named "Pink-ish."
Barbie and bubblegum pinks belong in horrid plastic toys, imo. No appeal to me.
I remember my ex2, the artist, telling me passionately to use color any way I liked unafraid. "Look what nature does!" he nearly yelled. "Forget about matchy-matchy!" Stuck with me and I always appreciated that lesson.
hugs,
Hops
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Happy New Year.
Re: Hol's "temper tantrums". She's had them since she was born. When she began talking at 3, they lessened somewhat. But she still had them, whenever she didn't have words to explain or felt threatened or totally confused. I used to just grab her and hug her and let her scream/cry it out until she calmed. That energy got translated into physical outlets in grade school. She was a runner. She works - yep; splitting wood, cutting brush, all kinds of physical labor. She built a gym for herself. S got her boxing gloves but won't spar with her. My tai chi teacher said Hol was the most naturally talented student she'd encountered. She KNOWS this is a good way to channel that energy.
The chairs thing didn't begin until we had the space for it to. And she was doing some heavy lifting internally over processing different situations when she'd been NOT seen, or heard, or even acknowledged as existing and having valid feelings. Situations where she didn't matter... but "things" did... more than her. And other people's feelings mattered more than hers. And yes, I wasn't happy the first couple times she resorted to this. But she paid for the replacements. Accepted responsibility. Apologized.
But while verbally processing all those situations where she felt frustrated and helpless to be heard/matter... she would still occasionally hit the same point. The floor is a little worse for wear, the chairs were functional but nothing special... and each time she came to that point the intensity lessened. No chairs have been harmed in a year. She has picked one up a couple times, considered her actions, and put it down and looked for other words, or accepting a hug, or listening to my perspective/observations.
As for me, I learned to not just absorb her energy. Witness, yes. Acknowledge her anger and that her feelings and perspective are valid. And as none of her outbursts were about ME, to that degree, I didn't react in kind. Sometimes, there would be a little projection or transference. And I learned to separate that stuff out. And stand my own ground. Expressions of anger in people around me aren't scary to me. I don't NEED to control it or shut it down; though time/place/other people considerations usually find me between the "innocent" and the angry person.
Yeah, I get that many people aren't comfortable with expressions of anger physically. And that this "work" is unusual. But no one gets hurt. Nothing is thrown AT anyone. And there is trust being built - her with herself, as she begins to control/choose her outward expressions and between us - ie, I'm giving her space be her authentic self without judging it. We usually debrief those episodes a week or two later. When she's had a chance to further process how she got to that point of explosion. She is most definitely improving and refining her control over the expression.
And B is allowed now, to teach a little when he is included (or wishes to be included) in those sessions. He has a lot more experience with the same phenomenon. Remember, I've been very physical too. And have my own evolution with anger. I am not in danger when she's mad about someone else. Nor am I her target instead. And she has been making heroic progress at sorting out the life experience, emotional experiences, and intellectual structures in her own "puzzle".
Taking the "verboten" out of her anger has helped her to understand it isn't an essential part of her that defines her as "bad". She's found the reasons why anger gets activated - for her. She is seeing how other people manage their own, differently - and for different reasons. She's finding her own "chooser" of expression that better evokes the acknowledgement/validation she's seeking.
As for the "pink" issue... it hardly rates on the significance scale. Yeah, there are the associations with stuff that was forced on me (that was a lot like trying to put a tutu on a pig) and ways I actually WAS girly, but then dismissed as being too tomboyish or klutzy to pull it off. All that is stuff long over the damn. My favorite description of this color is the inside of a seashell. And as we age, all females look better in warmer light. Those light bulbs are genius Hops! I think the paint will have the same effect.
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I'm pretty awed by your ability to hold detachment in the midst of someone's explosion, Amber. I can imagine you as the best kind of law enforcement person...objective, controlled, analytical when it helps, and cool as a giant cucumber. WOW.
I'm the cowering bunny wabbit but accept that about myself. I think the "directions to the exit" in my mind during such an encounter will only be directions for me. My best take on explosiveness is that I choose to pull away, make tracks, head for an exit to peaceful or empty space and say an inner NO.
You have so many options because of your ability to defuse yourself. I'd be reactive as hell, afraid, hurt feelings, shock...but also not judgement. Of me or Explosive One.
Hol's very lucky in how deeply you respect her. Her autonomy, intelligence, ability to grow and learn as you are her witness. Not her only one, but a key one.
I'm glad you're not her target as you sometimes used to be. Makes all the difference.
(Especially as I contemplate the possibility that, gradually, my D might be wishing to re-enter my life. No immediate danger of that, but it's a road I think I'll be walking at some point.)
Thanks for sharing all this. Gave me a lot to think about. You do awe me.
hugs and Happy NY, friend--
Hops
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I know our methods aren't for everyone, Hops. That's perfectly valid, because we're all different. Even Hol & I mark out the very significant differences between her and I, yet we can both work through this method, together. I was a young single mom, trying to understand and help this "force of nature" child navigate her life. And structure and authority weren't going to work; my intuition had survived well enough my own trials to bridge the gap and calm her down. Her self regulation has gotten pretty damn good now but behind that can still be a lot of self-doubt and questions. She's beginning to work with acceptance, albeit in a tentative way.
I like the differences between people and sharing a bit of what's behind the differences. Her group of lady friends have been both entertaining and instructive. A couple of them have lost their moms, so I'm usually welcomed as long as I don't go full-on professor and lecture!! My conversational skills have improved a lot. LOLOLOLOL.
Weather permitting, she'll have some more company of "the ladies" this weekend for her birthday.
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This is SO cool!
Her group of lady friends have been both entertaining and instructive. A couple of them have lost their moms, so I'm usually welcomed as long as I don't go full-on professor and lecture!! My conversational skills have improved a lot.
I have discovered my belly-laughing cure for any shade of blue:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1E_6l5jD90 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1E_6l5jD90)
This guy is a GENIUS. Only gets better as he continues. (This link is when he started, keep looking for later ones.) What a gift!
Here's a later, better one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_umiudMZa8 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_umiudMZa8)
"Why dost Thou tempteth me?" I'm DYYYING....LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
hugs
Hops
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I just remembered to hold space for not knowing everything. What I do know is....
you, Amber and Hops, love your children and have the best possible intentions toward them.
We're all doing our best.
Lighter
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Thanks, Lighter....was just going to add a word on Mothering Again.
hugs
Hops
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Just hold on to what you know helps, Hops.
You've done things one way for a very long time.
You're doing things differently now and changing things for yourself.
That takes mindfulness and returning to center, over and over. COWs happen. How one deals with them is the only change, IME.
I'm hoping your DD stops repeating old habits and embraces new habits too, but that's up to her.
You're doing what you can and that's exactly right.
Lighter