Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: sKePTiKal on January 26, 2024, 05:27:05 PM
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Yeah, I'm kinda late getting this started. My excuses are multitude! <wink>
I've been doing the rip van winkle thing again... literally sleeping a lot and not spending a lot of time thinking about much of anything. Reading trash novels, watching tv... Hol is going through some intense emotial whiplash stuff lately which has required a good bit of my participation in listening to her. It's not all about S either. But she did announce the other day, she's done sifting through all her old stuff with an agonizingly fine tooth comb.
Her solar system went on the fritz a few weeks ago. After finding and bringing in a tech that specializes in her equipment, getting the generator guy out TWICE... with no success getting the genny to power up her batteries... solar guy said have the propane company come out & check pressure in the lines & regulator. One regulator was replaced today & genny fired right up. She heats with wood so that wasn't a problem and during the days she got enough solar charge, that if she turned everything off at night - she had power in the morning to make coffee & get a shower. She is now a LOT more educated in system now! So much for avoiding power outages off-grid... LOL.
But that issue got her pretty unsettled and freaked out. I'm hearing a lot about her trying to down-regulate her emotional state lately. And like it or not, some of this may be hormonal dysregulation due to menopause.
B is still "on hold" with the docs, this time waiting on a referral to a urologist to prove he doesn't have prostate issues, before surgeon attempts to relocate stimulator leads. (Fingers crossed this possible! It's much less invasive than having this one removed and the normal spinal one implanted - IF that's even possible with a specialist surgeon and all his back issues.) He got set up for pump refills with home infusion - and his nurse is a real trip! Way too perky & chatty... but a real nice girl. Local even. She was out yesterday to program the pump bolus - a controller that will let him boost his normal dose up to 3 times a day, a specified amount. It was enough to last about 3-4 hours and then it just goes away. He's clearly feeling better today - and maybe some of that is being able to control the pain relief himself. At this point, the stimulator is turned off and will stay off due to the side effects - so I've been trying to find anything I can to help give him even 10 minutes of relief. Heating pad, capsaisin, and so far what's helping the most is a nerve tonic tincture. I've got a list of herbs to acquire for teas & tinctures and Hol had a lot of skullcap to share. I've got some growing too.
I don't know if he's staying until after his April appts or not. He hasn't said anything one way or the other.
I've been mudding drywall in the studio and sponging and putting the next layer on, etc. Purging a lot of the craft stuff I've stored for 20-30 years. Hol's friend Jess took some home for her little girl. I really have the urge to clear a LOT of stuff out right now, and need to when we start work on the ceiling so there's less to work around. I know we're building woodsheds this spring/summer and the driveway needs many trucks of gravel. But other than planting that's all I know of for new projects. Maybe a delivery drop box at the gate for UPS/FedEx... since they notified us of delays due to "impassible driveway". Funny - we got in/out just fine. <shrug>
I'm getting a first-hand education in the psych impacts of chronic pain. How it affects mood, drains away resilience and objectivity... so many aspects I can observe. But I almost never see him just give up. He has his normal household jobs and no matter what, he does those. When he's got the extra relief - he keeps going on the rest of the vehicles and projects. We've burned a lot of wood this winter. Didn't NEED to, but it is cozy and the heat helps with the relief.
Business stuff is going well and new Prez is beginning to think of what ELSE we could make with our machinery - while the retired Prez (who is the machining/computer design whiz) is working 3 days a week on updating some of our capabilities. He's always done custom, one-off designs for certain customers. New bookkeeper got a big raise & bonus the end of the year - she is doing a bang up job with the software and finding all kinds of ways to cut expenses too. We're going to have to start planning to replace equipment soon.
Kitties are well & keeping us highly entertained. B has bought himself a tool, with which to make "fun money" sharpening knives & scissors. It's also a good distraction from pain to focus like that. And he doesn't want to be completely dependent on me. The usual guy mentality.
So, it's been a quiet time around here and just not a lot to say. He and I are still learning the finer points about each other and when he feels better, I feel better too. It's difficult not being able to help much... and I miss the B that isn't completely focused on bearing up under the pain. It's been a long slog through "the system" with him - 6-7 years at least. But he's been doing this over 30 years. The plan is, once the stimulator is resolved - then we can find out what's going on with his Navy retirement pay. Get his move finished up, etc.
I take breaks from him, sometimes just to shift out of the space where everything hurts & depressingly takes so long to get "fixed". But we don't get on each other's nerves on a day to day basis or argue that much. Then, it's usually he doesn't need to do something all by himself - when Hol is bored to tears and needs something to do and wants to learn from him. Their work styles are total opposites. She charges in and gets at it; he knows he has to pace himself and thinks about things first almost as much as I do.
So this spring should go a little easier than the past couple years. It's been a lot of fun driving Rudi again! Almost 20 years old and still only 25K miles on him. He got new shorter shoes before the snow hit, too. Makes it easier for both of us getting in/out.
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That's a BIG update, Amber. Lots going on for you guys.
First, I want to say I'm impressed, as always, with how well you guys cope with B's ongoing pain. I have a high tolerance,but ongoing pain is a whole'nuther ballgame for me. I went a day without pain meds after 2nd C section.... that empty needle wiggling around in my spine was the worst part. A man of action, with that level of patience and restraint, is astonishing, IMO.
Second........ I'm glad you continue making time to decompress and remain/get back to level. That's a good thing. For you, Hol. B....kitties, the farm and doggies.
I had goosebumps when I read Hol's desire to stop sifting through her old issues and self regulate more efficiently. She's noticing what's going on in her internal world.... sounds like.... and she wants to feel better. Is she seeing a Therapist? I hope she will if she's open to it and sorry to read she's having so much trouble at her hut. Those kinds of mechanical things overwhelm me too. Right now there's no power in the front room at the island cottage.... and it's not in the electric panels. It's beyond me and feels like a HUGE unsolvable problem bc I don't know who I can call to resolve it. I do notice it's screwed up whether I fret or find my joy. Sounds like Hol's figuring that out too.
It's wonderful to read business is going well. I look forward to hearing what else you guys end up making with your equipment!
About your driveway being "impassable"..... I imagine delivery drivers sometimes end up stuck or take more time turning around bc they fear getting stuck and just can't or won't take the time/chance with all the driveways they have to drive in a day. I brought my Christmas tree up a mountain, to feed goats, yesterday and their drive was breaking off at the edges and muddy enough to challenge my Yukon..... it's been wet here. It made me nervous and what the heck is up with ZERO street signs in the mountains? Not to mention.... there's only room for 1 car to pass? What the heck to people do in the snow, when they can't see where the road drops off?!?!
The mail box at the end of the drive sounds good to me, in other words.
I hope your tonics and herbs continue helping B and maybe Hol, if you have something for her hormone shifts. This too shall pass.
Can't wait to hear about your garden and, of course, progress with health issues.
Lighter
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For some time now, most of my "journal" posts have been about things & people in the external world. The projects, drama, observations... but that doesn't mean there hasn't been activity internally. That activity has simply been slow, quiet and very very gradual, with only glimpses of difference or change disconnected from the possibility of a narrative description.
So, lately, there's been a shift from "other focus" - back into some personal things that perhaps have lingered in a less affective dormant form while I made external changes. Dramatically illustrated by my dream-life, in fact. Intense, strange, symbolic stuff that - to conscious mind - comes out of the blue. But emotionally, they seem important in ways I don't see right now. Could just be the chile relleno I had for lunch, too.... shrug... but it sure doesn't feel that way.
First one, was situated in some kind of monastic or convent type estate. I was being pursued by something that I perceived was malevolent; harmful to me. Not a specific creature or being; more of a force of nature. I was wearing some midnight blue gown; no weapons; no outerwear to protect from the chilly wet night. I took a turn, at speed, running right into the arms of some tall but strong, maternal figure who wrapped me in a deep crimson cloak. Said to not be afraid that she/they would hide and protect me. /end scene
Well, that woke me up! No one currently in my life of that stature or gravitas. But I did get the sense of my old tai chi teacher. And nothing currently "threatening me" in my awake-life either. So I shook it off and went back to sleep.
Next dream continued the theme - the setting this time, was the home of an old, old acquaintaince from the 70s. Strong, solitary, maternal; retired professional figure skater - and she had performed some chunks of her own tai chi routine for us in real life. There were many people in her home; a communal situation; and I was trying to find some square feet upon which to claim "my space" and find a role within the greater, constantly changing crowd of people. In this dream, lots of people challenging my existence in that space at all - so struggle and conflict. And TEA. LOL.
Yeah, that one woke me up too. I hadn't thought of her in decades and I'm sure she passed on long ago. But again, there was the sense of being accepted into the protection of a secret group of "wise women". From some personal threat I am consciously unaware of. GO FIGURE.
Again, last night with the dreams... this time the old farmhouse we rented while I went to college. It still stands, Hol & I drove past it. The kitchen was original 1700s cabin (which I loved) and I was in my bedroom above it. Looking around at how the house had changed since 1990. More rooms added - someone living in my old studio room; a warren of tunnels, secret hallways & doors... all kinds of art & music students using the house as a home base. Yet my bedroom was spartan. Mattress on the floor and familiar views out all 3 windows; same trees. Both (adult) Holly & Amy came up the kitchen stairs and started trying to get me to leave that space - where I was content, safe, welcome and comfortable. Then we explored the house.... and couldn't find our way out. I've had this dream about that house at least a dozen times before. The people mostly unknown to me; strangers. So I don't think there is anything being messaged about me, to me... rather it's something about the house itself. <wide eyes> Wondering... pondering...
I've had similar dreams over the past couple years about the beach house - I usually see it in the dream empty. No furniture people or activity. The pool is covered always in that dream. The poolhouse - the space of so many memories - is dark & quiet. In real life, it was bright, full of tacky geegaws, & full of music and people.
Yeah, I know the Jungian symbolism of the "house" in dreams. No, I don't think there is anything left over, unprocessed, from all the previous work I've done. This feels "new". I have noticed about myself, the past couple years, that I was keeping my attention firmly planted in the external world - other-oriented and dealing with physical expressions of me. Like redesigning the studio. I haven't felt interested; no pull from - the shadow work or the void & veil. That seemed like it was closed for the time being. A "gone fishin'" sign on the door so long, I wondered if I just imagined it all. Astrology stuff was "another language" that I couldn't understand. I unsubscribed my last tarot reader because nothing she was reading was relatable to me.
Now, it seems to be opening up again in the "old reliable" form of dreams. I learned awhile back, that asking "why" and trying to analyze this kind of thing was a total waste of time. I'm better off "winging it" and accepting the happy accidents that occur along the way. And they ARE there. It's not like I move from being in one world or the other; rather when that side is active I'm partly in both. At the same time.
We think we have a local fisher cat which has been reducing the flock of ducks & geese; mostly just kills them - doesn't eat them. Ducks are all gone; I counted only 10 geese yesterday. Hol surmises that when all the birds are gone, S will be too. (I'm not so sure...)
B is happily adapting to having his bolus active - to boost pain relief temporarily - and trying to learn the best time to use it. He's been getting 4-5 hrs of sheer relief, followed by a distinct crash back into the chronic pain for a couple hours - followed by an echo of the relief for another long stretch of time. We've got the referral now for the urologist - and are completely on our own selecting one. I dunno what he's going to test for, since the stimulator has been off the symptoms haven't reoccurred. As I documented. But of course, we can't be believed; there just has to be something else going on with him. The tech for the device looked absolutely devastated suggesting he just leave it off until we go thru the silly process of more tests to prove it's not prostate issues or something else causing the symptoms, that it is just like said - the electrical signal from the leads directly to those S1 & S2 nerves. S I G H.
I am spending part of the morning & afternoon picking out one of 30 different shades of white to combine with the paint colors I picked out for the studio. Ceiling will be white. LOL. 30! I've got one more window to sponge and then I get the second coat of mud on. Already have primer for the drywall. Got exterior paint for the doors to match siding & trim... waiting on deck sealer... and waiting on weather. Meanwhile there are all kinds of "relocation of stuff" tasks to complete to prepare for the next phase of updating.
OH! and last weekend the new prez recommended we upgrade some equipment at the shop. It's a good investment I believe and is one step closer to making sure the kids receive a competitive company when we turn shares over. Bro & I quickly came to a decision to proceed. A big change from where we started working together. In fact, he was more on top of things than I was! That was a shocker. But a welcome one.
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What a rich and absorbing update in your last two posts, Amber!
I'm glad there's forward motion on B's pain. But I couldn't refrain from a tiny bit of dream pondering -- so I asked myself, in what way is Amber feeling "invaded"? My heart pinged at you missing the B he was before the pain got so intractable. And how deeply and tightly you are wrapped up by the nonstop necessity of staying tuned into him. There's vulnerability in those dream stories, perhaps a need for respite and refuge.
Has anything changed in what you need, so you don't get swamped by it all?
All in all, though, sounds to me as though diving within, heading for the treasures of subconscious territory, is a natural reaction to so much focus on Others. B, Hol and S. Unavoidable so much of the time.
For me, it's slowly become clear that despite my whining and wishing otherwise, being alone most of the time is a source of strength. Very bizarre to discover my introverted side the last several years. For writing, for resting, for calming dem nerves.
Here's to all of us protecting ourselves from Too Much. I've revisited those feelings lately with D's I presume temporary reappearance, and remember how Too Much felt all those years.
hugs
Hops
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Hi, Amber:
Another detailed update.... very interesting read and a break in the day. I'm struggling to put pinch pleats back into a very wide drapery panel..... SO THICK AND DIFFICULT!
About the dream with you in a blue dress, exposed to the cold wet.... and then a protective presense shows up with a red cape to embrace and keep you safe. My first thought was.... you're both people.... and maybe you're unconscious belief system is shifting into conscious belief regarding your ability to protect and keep yourself safe? I'm curious what you're thinking about the dream as time passes.
The farm house dream, where you're feeling safe and comfy in your old room.... then your adult children come in and insist you move out of the cozy space and you can't get out of the house at all. First thought.... Hol's been criticizing your choices for years and you've been paiently resisting and finding your own way..... but the energetic bond is there and her words maybe get in, at points. If one buys into negative voices, even a tiny bit, they have power in our lives, IME Do her words block your serenity and prevent you from resting comfortably.... keep you feeling at the edge, unable to fully embrace the head space and full belief in what you need and entitlement to simply choose it without question..... can you shake the feelings of obligation, if that's what the dream was about?
It's possible you feel tethered by your DD's beliefs in ways impacting your ability to fully choose yourself and your needs.... even if you aren't aware? Maybe? Not sure. Just my two cents.
About B's struggle with pain and the slow moving medical complex...... I feel weakness and despair in the left side of my back and chest when imagining the minutes and hours without the pump turned on. I'm going to pray the urology appt quickly clarifies whatever the medical complex needs in order to move forward.
On the bright side... it seems the tech is competent and interested in moving forward with haste. I hope you guys navigate the next set of chalenges quickly to get B's device online consistently.
Question......
and this isn't a nice thing to write.....
what if the birds go away in the next week or so?
What if the fisher cat has help taking the bird flock to zero,. just to see what S does?
Not saying the birds have to actually die.... Just saying it might lead to the clarity Hol seems to think it will.
Lighter
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Well, B has a large live trap that he's going to show Hol how to setup & use, today. As for "what S does", she and I disagree over her "strategy" (I say, it's her decision and she's been overly patient already; make the decision SHE wants). She has decided to see if in the next month, IF he can positively participate in a) the tasks necessary around here and b) relationship with her - instead of being so self-absorbed he can't even follow her dog training protocols with Kiri. After 5 years of the same behavior, I can predict the outcome with about 70% accuracy.
Case in point: yesterday B, Hol & I dove on a specific task - cleaning out a small shed and redistributing items to where they'll be needed/used. As she said WHY she was helping and that she was coming up... he said he was getting ready to take a bath or he'd come help too. <rolleyes out my ass> We were done in an hour, then Hol & B moved a lot of lumber we saved from deck rebuild to barn until we're ready to put up woodsheds. I went up to studio to work on drywall.
B is going to reorganize the studio garage for his purposes, and we need to take the drop ceiling down, to see the plumbing situation for the upstairs remodel. So, this way, the bird food can be stored in the shed in mouse-resistant bins - and there won't be any meeses running around his delicate precision instruments in the garage. Or my fabric upstairs.
As for the dreams, I'm waiting to see what else is delivered. Nothing last night. They certainly seem useful and don't portend anything negative. Could just be a "long time no see" kind of thing.
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I'm hearing the various groundhogs didn't see their shadow today. Time to get muscles loosened up, and some strength training... coz spring she be a'comin' early! (They hope.)
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Hol can't see S in her life is a choice.....for whatever reason, she can't. Not yet.
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Woke up to Christmas this morning, Hops! 5 inches of wet snow turned this place into a winter wonderland; a currier & ives print. It's not going to last long then, the battle of the "muddy girls" (jeeps) begins. Altho, I'm planning to finish up as much as I can getting my tax docs to the CPA, some housework & making dark chocolate & cherry brownies for Valentine's Day goodies.
B's been here since Thanksgiving. We've had a fire in the stove every night. The bolus (morphine pump booster) has been helping him a lot. He boosts it once in the morning and right before bed (only allowed 1 every 8 hrs) so he's been moving easier through the work days and sleeping better at night. We still have the usual crap with the doctors, but it's been easier to get him to shift focus to stuff we're doing around here. He does things, especially in the kitchen, differently than I do. But it's been pretty easy to adapt to that or just insist on the little things I want "my way". We are getting more "fun things" in our routine too... just little mundane things that are local, that please us. He saw a promo for an estate jewelry show in town that we went to. Prices were a tad high for things, really. I did see a pair of heavy lapis earrings that interested me; big oval drops - that would probably hurt to wear, especially at that price. What decided me against, was the wire fastened in the front. (Maybe 20s style?) While we were there, he snuck around and bought me an affordable bracelet instead. <swoon; it's those kinds of things out of the blue that keeps me enchanted with him>
Yeah, he's a packrat; he's messy (but does clean up after himself); and somedays just hard-headed stubborn negative jackass. But he's MY jackass. None of that ever lasts a whole day either. I irritate him too, interrupting his process with things I think need to happen RIGHT NOW. LOLOL. And I know Hol is a little jealous. We can spend the whole weekend at home just hanging out together, doing our own things and talking most of the day... and no drama occurs. She does say that we're still in the "new relationship" phase... but he's been moving in since 2019 (I know, right??? 6 years?? REALLY???) and we're spending more and more time together, contently. WHATEVER.
Given his last 2 marriages, I can see him wanting to drag his feet. And he knows I have residual fears from going through losing Mike (despite me still cussin' M's packrat gene; NO I still haven't used up a lot of the stuff he bought in bulk). But we do talk - about almost everything - easily. There have been a couple things he didn't want to bring up but did just spit out... and we're past those things. So everything's just fine between us.
Hol's been getting more girlfriend time, and I think that's having a relief-effect for her. Last one, was a spur of the moment sleepover - which meant we had to take care of the dogs, since S was working. I told her she deserved a night off & to enjoy herself - which she did.
I'm really antsy to get started on spring stuff: seeds mostly - but our nights are still way too cool, even with grow lights. I might chance some herbs in the next week or so and use a space heater. We'll see. Having someone to plan with is a lot more fun. Hol is too bossy & critical and only she does it the right way. SIGH. I can't stand that but she'll get it out of her system pretty soon, I hope.
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I'm so happy he makes gestures like that, Amber. You deserve them -- a lot.
Sounds like you both are dealing with the gritty parts of the nitty very well. And happy V-day to you both!
One thing I noticed with ExH #2, who had intense chronic pain from the rods in his spine and nerve damage (nothing like B's) ... was that his sense of humor was almost all physical. Goofy dancing, etc. So when the pain surged and he had to hold himself very still to cope, that was torture. His life as a monumental sculptor before his accident involved dancing up and down massive granite pieces moved by crane and banging chisels into rock or holding heavy grinders aloft for hours, etc.
It's always amazed me how busy and physically productive B sounds, given the pain. I guess at this point in life I feel that admiration about nearly everybody I know! But y'all both take the proverbial cake. And overall, you report very little irritability and anger between you, which is awesome considering the amount of work you engage in and obstacles he carries.
Do you think B would unconsciously wait on a proposal because he loves you so much he wants your lives to be totally sorted, etc? Or fears burdening you? Six years is a long time if that's one dream you may hold in your heart.
I'm touched that you still miss Mike sometimes. You think keeping whatever it is that he buys in bulk around is about that? Is whatever it is useful to you?
hugs
Hops
PS Oh yes I'm jealous of that fat snowfall you got! Here it's been flip-flopping between spring and some unnamed uneasy season that doesn't belong. Don't envy you future mud struggles though. Is the road up graveled?
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No, the road and driveway aren't gravelled; plenty of shale down - but eventually that powders down. Planning to add gravel this spring. More snow expected tomorrow overnight.
Mike bought useful things - like vacumn sealer bag rolls. Many things I haven't kept but I EVENTUALLY use up stuff. Most of the non-useful stuff did NOT make the move - LOL.
Not waiting on a proposal; we agreed early on it would be a legal mess for us to marry. He did agree that we could have a norse ceremony, if I chose - when all the medical is done. I'm content being his shield maiden.
Moving and especially being busy with his hands takes his mind off the pain. It's still there but because he has a task, the attention shift acts like insulation - to a greater/lesser degree. It's important for him to keep the parts that are working - working & strong; it's how he compensates for the lack of spine mobility. Remember, he's been in the military since he was 17; until just a few years ago. "Rub a little dirt on it" and "suck it up buttercup" sum up the mentality that's permanently conditioned into him. The docs told him in '94 he wouldn't walk again because he only has sensation partway down his thighs. He put in the work and I can't keep up with him some days. Especially in the woods!
Of course, he's prone to despressive cycles and there is PTSD about doctors - given his mistreatment. Little by little, he's been receptive to my ideas that "the past doesn't predict the future"... and there is a chance - if you let it - to be different "this time". Just that little bit of reframing helps him break out of the "I'm doomed" cycle.
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Hmmm, what's Amber been doing?
Carrying around an adorable duck who thinks she's Mama. I'm jealous.
Chasing B through the woods.
Explaining to Knuckles that being named after a knucklehead is a compliment.
Baking stuff. Getting excited about studio.
Worrying about but also getting calmer in regard to Hol and S.
Enjoying the sunshine and the snow when it comes.
Sleeping well?
hugs
Hops
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Just livin' life Hops. We have a big list upcoming in the spring, so lots of discussion/planning.
The geese continue to get picked off, one by one. B's noticed the remaining ones have been actively shunning one - either an agressive drake or ? There are too many drakes, Hol sez. S was going to cull some, but hasn't to date. Oh, and S is talking trading in the room he rents in the city for a basement apartment, with yard so he can take his dog with him. It's no big deal to Hol.
She's been ordering parts for the '77 Pontiac Catalina that she & Knuckles drove across the country. She & B are conspiring to transform it into the ultimate hot rod muscle car sleeper... LOL. Woodsheds are still on both our lists; Hol wants to fence a bit of her place to move the birds down there & have a good place to contain Kiri outside. Dog WILL run and refuses to learn boundaries. But she hasn't harassed the neighbor for a few weeks, since S hasn't been home as much. <rolleyes> Dog is easier to train than he is. But they ARE getting along better when he's here, than previously.
Hol & I both got bit by the interior design fairy and have been letting ourselves get swept completely away. She's sending me links for vintage french bars & worktables & fanciful wing chairs... and still trying to dial in her hut's storage & functional space too. So, we've been having fun letting the imagination run completely wild with ideas; sharing links back & forth to our "finds" while we toil away on the drywall situation. I'm finally ready to prime around the windows; she just started mudding/taping the cracks in the ceiling. B is going to install a ceiling fan out there for us and we have screen doors to rehang. When the temp warms up, I have pressure washing of the new siding & deck to do... paint exteriors of doors... and seal the deck.
There's furniture to donate/sell... clutter to either dispose or hide... and then we'll be ready to take down old kitchen cabinets (and fill those holes)... demo a vanity that's been located outside our bathroom out there... same for shower in bathroom... and choose some really pretty glam accoutrements for the new "powder room". My plan is to buy/build basically a "tiny house kitchen" to provide the basics for drinks & snacks while working or hanging out with the ladies. B gets a presence in there as well... his framed collectible motorcycle posters go up on the art "feature wall", too.
There's a plan; but there is deliberately NO DEADLINE. We have pluimbing work to complete downstairs for services upstairs first...and other things will always have priority. I've ordered replacement cushions for front porch furniture, and B & I keep discussing how to screen it in and block the wind in the winter out here. Or maybe we'll do that out back, with a summer kitchen/sun room combo...
B is doing OK. Some days better than others. The medical side of things is moving G L A C I A L L Y, so we're making a list of all the things OTC, easy things he can do that helps relieve the pain. Focus on what we CAN do, not what we can't or can't speed up. Plenty of other stuff to keep his hands & mind busy in the meantime. We're definitely supporting our local businesses - two places now, we go for lunch "treats". There's another new cafe that'll be openin soon in town too. The couple have been vloging building their house (in the next county) and reno'ing the cafe on YTube.
Knuckles is just being the bestest dawg... he's calmed down a little, and Hol's training technique works great with him. He listens to voice commands now. She's got a bigger job with Kiri, who's still a "puppy" - even though she is the biggest of the 3 dogs - bigger than the chocolate lab! But she has more of the Irish Setter build than Pyrenees and the Pyrenees stubbornness.
So we're all just toodling along. Feb has been a lot of "clean up" of little things we've been too busy with more important stuff to take care of. There is a big spring cleaning weekend in my near future, I think... and lots of planting of aloe & lavender that I've overwintered inside.
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Quickie update:
Still plugging away on studio interior. It's AMAZING how much better the ceiling looks with the seams taped & mudded. I think Hol & I agreed on paint colors; just two now so walls & ceiling are merely backdrop. A light peachy pink, white ceiling & trim.
She found me the most amazing vintage French workbench/storage unit. But it's 11 ft long and over $4K with shipping from France another $5K. But I'm not spending that kind of moolah. On the other hand, she has a friend (cabinet maker) that can build it custom out of birch plywood and put a nice wood top on 2- 5 ft long units. I'll paint the base black.
Found the ideal sewing table - on sale even. Shipping is gonna be a bit tricky, but it does come flat packed so it will be safe until we're done painting. The old desk I used before is already out of the room.
It's been rainy and we can't do much outside yet, can ya tell? <big grin>
B is still here but if he gets time between all the med appts he might go get another load. He's gonna start the ceiling fan install (in studio) today.
So, just same old same old... but progress!
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The studio sounds FANTASTIC!
Love the color, the perfect workbench, everything.
That's exciting. I'm imagining how much joy and purpose it'll bring you.
Even more than carrying a friendly duck.
hugs
Hops
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I think I know now, what the energy increase is on the studio project - it's a collaboration between Hol & I, though she's insisting she willing to make my vision/decisions "so". But she's had a LOT of input on the paint color and various "accoutrements" going into the room. The collab is forcing me to communicate the vague ideas that are morphing into decisions to her, too.
The initial contact with woodworker on the workbenches has begun. His prices are reasonable for bespoke cabinets! But it will take quite a bit of time. I need to spend some time on the plumbing rework DOWNSTAIRS with B. We need a longer bracket to mount ceiling fan. I'll just purchase bathroom vanity and my "tiny" kitchen and bar - but I need to see if my bookmarks are still good. We're tossing around doing concrete counter top, because it'll be easy to form in a sink drainboard. I'm going to need a VERY large rug, too. I saw something online recently about custom sized rugs and my local flooring place now has bound carpet too. I need matching blinds for the new windows & trim. Hol had suggested glass & brass wall shelves... but while the one she showed me is perfectly Toulouse-Lautrec, it's just a tad "girly" for me. I might have to look for something more substantial than that.
Meanwhile, I've distracted myself from ordering this year's herb plants and I really need to get that order in, they ship in April. And I'm in suspense about how much my taxes are gonna be so, I'm scared to order TOO much until I know what that amount is going to be. B needs a steel wheelbarrow, too... sigh.
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Updates, Amber?
Plants, countertops?
Cabinet decisions?
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Too cold for seed starting, still! Feels like 20 out there this morning and the 20-30 mph wind is blowing a skiff of snow!!
I got a first coat of paint on the outside of the back door at studio, but it's VERY streaky for some reason. Definitely needs a second coat, but it has to warm up first - and when it does, it's expected to rain. Waiting on Hol to finish ceiling sanding so we can prime - and she's had a series of "pet adventures" over the weekend and now has company... so waiting on her.
B's been on wood duty again. Big tree came down across the road to the highway. But that gave him a chance to ask neighbor about taking down a few more before they fall. He's got his appts squared away to go get another load.
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Moving so many agendas ahead by increments dependant on other people's actions.
I'm paying such close attention to other people's words, deeds and alignment of same.
Not to judge. Only to adjust my big girl panties and get on with acceptance, action and what comes next.
Lighter
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It's all sort of a sort of juggling shitshow, Lighter. I don't plan anyone's choice of what to do with their time; they do. With S getting an apartment now in NoVa, and working more days than not again - Hol has had his dog get a deer jaw stuck in his mouth and he needed sedated to not reflexively bite whomever was trying to help him and then, outside kitties on a week long walkabout, come back having injuries from tangling with either feral cats or "nature". There's always a minor vehicle issue to deal with around here...
and weather too. We've had extremely low humidity this week and high winds. (My equipment shed cover is shredding.) Last night, brushfires kept our volunteer fire depts hopping and they evacuated a community about 20 miles north of us. Hol still has a facebook account, so she was seeing the reports online (sadly, the ONLY source of county info online these days).
B's been cooking dinner lately; insisting on it. We're busy all day until later in the afternoon when we knock off, reconoitre, and plan out the next day's tentative outline. Knowing full well, that no plan survives contact with the next day's reality. Hol's probably not getting back to work in the studio until next Monday - she's headed up to B'more to watch a friend's play and hang with her ladies. She's been busy all week with friends who came out here to visit with her and help out another friend who's bought a second property not too far from here. I have outside doors to paint, as weather permits,in the meantime and B is gearing up, clearing up & organizing in prep for returning in a month with the next load.
So yeah, I still need to get seeds started and he wants to roto-till the garden Friday, if the spot is dry enough. It might not be. I did get more herb plants ordered. And I'll need another truckload of mushroom compost & topsoil this year - but the nursery isn't really open yet. Then I need to get reacquainted with the bobcat. I need to order gravel for the driveway, but first Hol needs some work or advice on drainage around her house.
I'm having two cabinets built in the style of a vintage "work table" that Hol found online and my sewing cabinet is here for the studio. Cabinets are a simple black carcass with one shelf and sliding doors, wood top. We have old cabinets to repurpose or burn when weather permits and sofas to swap. I'd love to clear more out of that room before we paint and repair/add trim but I don't see it happening.
Tuesday, B woke up and was just SURE it was Thursday and that was important for some reason. Then, Wed. I did the same thing. Today is Thursday... Hol's gone over the mountain today, B's feeling all the trees he had to cut out of the road, drag another one back up the hill today and I have just remembered that I need to do spring cleaning.... and don't feel like it. Maybe we'll just have "Sunday" today and not do anything, except piddle with stuff we want to do.
New keyboard I got for the ipad is making me crazy - a kazillion glitchy little things with it and I'm tired of trying to put up with it. Sometimes it works just fine and other days like today, it has a mind (an insane one) of it's own. Keeps typing html for emoticons all by itself!!! SIGH.
We try not to judge each other and accept other people's strengths and struggles around here, Lighter. It's the only way all this stuff can happen and keep moving forward without resentment. Yeah, there are disagreements. Yeah, we have feelings. No, we don't let them get in the way of using our brains to find solutions and let things go and move on.
I WOULD like B to get one of the 4 wheelers running so I can have the ranger back, though. LOL.
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Sounds like one of those crunch times, Amber.
And sounds like you're navigating it well.
Keeping track of Hol and S and B is a lot.
For me, lazy and anxious, every day is Sunday. Barring some appointments.
Despite my own busier activities, I feel retirement in my bones and am so grateful for that freedom.
I think it's because I spent so many many years working for da man.
I think if you didn't find joy, as Lighter does, in complex, long-term projects and preparations, you would be living in a condo somewhere, disconnected from nature, not enjoying your compound/studio/gardens dreams.
As long as they bring joy they are probably extending your life.
But how many "loads" does B have to go fetch before he fully lives with you?
hugs
Hops
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Hops, I don't pay very close attention to what everyone else is doing or when - or I wouldn't be able to do a thing myself! Sometimes, they work together... and sometimes one will work with me... to make a job shorter.
B does things "like I do" - his way. So I can trust him to ride off & do. Hol is KINDA learning about how collaboration works now... so I'm forgiving when she does "her way" because it's "the best way". And of course, she makes a lot of assumptions that aren't accurate. As long as the end result is what we discussed, I just have to "give" leeway and let it be. B tends to do more when he works with Hol, than she would like - because she wants to do it herself, under supervision. And in a way, he has as much trouble saying things in a way she can understand - same as I do. We see it in our heads, but it just doesn't translate well, verbally.
We are just about out of open space - for the moment - for B to bring everything here all at once. And I have a hard time letting him out of my sight, because he forgets to eat and rest before he puts himself out of commission for a few days. Right now, his timetable is managed by his dr appts/tests etc. So, when he goes back to get another load - he's scrapping, trashing, selling things that he doesn't need or plan to use anymore. And that stuff takes more time than he has, before he has to be back. Yeah, appts can be changed - but without a functioning stimulator sans side effects - he doesn't want to push anything back. And he MUST be here for the pump fill. It's not like he can just go to Jiffy Lube and say "fill 'er up". LOL. Time, place, technician are all highly controlled for morphine and synthetic morphine. Also, 30 years in the same place - and closed businesses - has accumulated into a massive amount of "stuff". I know it's emotionally difficult to part with some things (I'm STILL working on that) and it's physically exhausting too.
So it takes him as long as it takes. He has been spending months at a time here and only going back for a month to pack up more stuff... he won't be able to bring the mill this return trip; too much weight to rush that. Too dangerous to half-ass it.
This doesn't trouble me AT ALL. And I kinda enjoy having a break from all the running around to appts.
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I get it. His trips back to get stuff give you a much needed break from it all.
I dunno if I could handle a FT relationship so can imagine how much adjusting you've done...even though you love him and love sharing your life. Sometimes it's gotta be Amber time.
Hope you enjoy it every day.
hugs
Hops
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Part of it, is my finally acquiring a sense of independence. B has taken on, without me even asking, a lot of the things I would normally do. Hol is also, stepping up and doing. That is very welcome, but then leaves me wondering what I'm good for sometimes. So, in those moments, I flail a bit. Being totally alone means I can breathe into the relying just on myself space again.
B also sees/does the things that don't make it onto my radar priority list, but I know need to be addressed. So there really IS less on the list. But then, between these two people that i'm interacting with on THEIR schedule, sometimes I'm not seeking/getting my own quiet downtime. I've been working on that a couple different ways.
Lest any of this sound like a complaint or serious issue... it's just something I'm aware of and am dealing with. Yesterday was the first day I drove by myself in months! Because the jeep has smaller tires, it's not as easy to see now, pulling out on the highway... so I had a little anxiety over that. And remembered: so, roll the window down so you can HEAR too... breathe; be patient... and pounce on the accelerator when you DO pull out. This old lady still throws gravel - LOL.
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You sound so good, Amber!
Paying attention to your needs and time spent with others/spent alone to recharge.
You're restoring balance....
no.
You're mindfully crafting balance in your life.
I hope it feels empowering for you. It's ok to not know the shape of things all the time.
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Well, some days it's not worth the effort to try to know the "shape of things" current or future. By the time I figure it out, it's already changed again anyway! LOL.
We're talking a good bit about change here. I can practically smell the influence of change these days. It's invigorating to me - even knowing that it's the full yin/yang energy. ALWAYS. But it's an opportunity to exercise creativity and the challenges that do come, are chances to apply that creativity in solutions. Change makes me feel alive and useful because I tend to embrace it and flow with it, rather resist it, force it into a status quo pattern or feel afraid of it.
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That's fantastic to read, Amber.
And inspiring.
I can "see" you sniffing the spring air, alert to all the signs of the mountains waking up around you. What a beautiful season and place to experience it. Been there.
hugs
Hops
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LOL... it's still snowing out in the ski areas southwest of us. And it's been too cold to start any seeds here (at night). I don't have heat in the barn. But I can maybe get some things started this weekend. And I really need to get the plants I overwintered, outside soon.
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Very busy day today... more studio work & checking in with Hol.
Thursday night she finally admitted to herself that she's miserable IN her relationship with S and is finally allowing the grief over the potential breakup in. Tough night for all of us - B drove her home from the studio. S had left early to go get Beeb settled in the new apartment before needing to go to work. All while saying he'd be home Sunday - and not adequately assuring her of any commitment here, to the place or to their relationship. Methinks he believes he can waltz back in Sunday and things will have blown over & continue on as before.
Methinks Hol isn't having that. Not now. Patience has blown away in this wind. And she misses the dog more than S.
So, that's our little melodrama around here, for now.
Taxes were kinder to me than they have been recently... so big push onwards on studio and stuff we need around here. Maybe even a smaller version of the rug I found, that is absolutely PERFECT for the space - albeit I won't get as large a one made per Hol's estimated size which was ungodly expensive.
B's got a pump fill early next week - then he's gone with the wind for 3-4 weeks.
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Wow. Is S entitled enough to try to keep Hol's dog? Or is it a co-dog? Hope not.
I'm glad you're feeling good. Or better. Or spring-focused. Or all of those.
I was just thinking about your UID...you really are the Captain of your mountain.
hugs
Hops
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Beeb is S's dog. But Beeb loves it here since he's good and gets to do all the disgusting things dogs love to do. Roll in dead animals, bring back carcasses, etc.
She is an anxious ball of anxiety, speculation, analysis, and her own imagination right now. Doing her best to keep a lid on it and making personal decisions about how she wants to handle things. I don't think she's quite realized yet, that this is what it's like when you're doing all the work (even of breaking up) yourself. He replies with "I don't know" when she asks direct questions about it - and then accuses her of being mean to him - when she tells him how SHE feels. (She volunteered using all "I" statements, btw.) He doesn't even want to make a commitment to understanding what a commitment IS... what it means in terms of respect and consideration for another and putting in time/effort to better his own situation.
I've come to that description, after listening to her repeatedly unroll her hamster wheel stereoscope mental loops over & over. Working in the studio has been her only escape to focus and the satisfaction of "progress". Of being able to "effect" change. She's been reaching out to all her friends for support a lot, lately. But I'm still the most available person to her. She has a hard time being in the hut and we are in the midst of days of rain right now. Her old coping mechanisms are surfacing too.
So, with B trying to finish up all the things he can before he makes another short trip away for a load, I've been spending more time with her, again. And B is feeling left out some, too. So, I'm juggling as best I can. And it's causing me to clam up and do some deep rethinking about things... maybe selling the business (big step I can't make by myself)... other things. The other night it felt like everything I'd worked to build was crashing, falling apart, disappearing. Not a good feeling. And not entirely true, either.
I have another contractor coming out next week for estimate/advice on the drainage around Hol's place and getting gravel on the road. She needs a fence for Kiri, too. The only time Kiri runs off and annoys the neighbor is when S is home because he leaves her out and doesn't supervise her. Because he doesn't see Kiri - she doesn't exist to him. I think Hol is kinda secretly worried that S is the same way with her.
So, I suppose it's natural to be a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Cure for that is B & I going out to procure his birthday present and mail some stuff at the PO. A quiet day - sans no OPPs - for us. He picks up his rental on Thursday. Hair cut today. Cheesecake for him to take with... tomorrow.
S came home Sunday and will be gone again Wed or Thurs. My guess is he's still not going to address Hol's questions or acknowledge her feelings. It's been quiet, so I'm pretty sure he slept most of yesterday. She has a kitty to take back to vet today. There was a kerfluffle of cats out in the woods and moonie got the worst of it.
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Oof. This sounds prescient and premonitory.
Because he doesn't see Kiri - she doesn't exist to him. I think Hol is kinda secretly worried that S is the same way with her.
But how good it would be for H to connect the dots...sounds like she's on her way. She deserves someone who appreciates her strength but doesn't take advantage of her vulnerability.
Brava!
hugs
Hops
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I think she knows she deserves better, Hops. She is working hard at not being swept away by her anxiety or emotions. I have to be a little careful not to "advise" her on ways to think about his behavior... or even offer my honest opinion, in some cases.
At this point, I'm just trying to help her keep it together, keeping her focused on doing stuff - with the weather being biblically wet (as in, I NEED an ARK!!) - we haven't been able to do much outside yet. So studio interior it is....
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I wish Hol could see S without seeing herself or taking anything personally. He's doing what he does....I don't think he'd do anything differently if Hol wasn't in his picture.
Taking his actions and words personally seems to create a lot of sadness and conflict for Hol.
Needing him to have more, say more, be more is the crux, me'thinks.
Sorry she's struggling.
Lighter
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Since B has gone for another load, we talked again last night. Or argued, is more like it.
She totally gets that she can end all this, on her own via her decision BUT is still refusing to do so. That makes my head spin, exorcist-style. Finally I said, if you're NOT trying to control his behavior and yet after 5 years you think he will still change to suit you, then all you end up with is the same misery and something (one) else to take care of - at his convenience. And I left before I could say any more.
It bothers the hell out of me, that she seems to fear that letting him go or demanding he leave means no one else will ever love her (and it can be argued that the lack of respect and consideration for her feelings ISN'T love). And of course, she blames me for modelling this behavior for her. SIGH. I suppose that's why she latches on to the first guy to take an interest in her, repeatedly. She does tend to stack up resentments once in a settled relationship, even though the patterns & behaviors were right there in front of her plain to see. All while saying she just wants him to be happy and do what he wants to do... pretty much creating her own double bind.
I think I'm going to stop being so available to her microscopic detail pseudo-analysis sessions. We have LOTS of farm stuff to talk about and do. But those conversations are consistently hijacked for the same hamster-wheel loop.
I desperately need a break from it.
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I often think about how I get the most distressed when somebody I care about is affected by something I have struggled with in myself (too many times). I think what you said to her is the unvarnished truth. But has she gone to therapy to place this deep struggle within where it belongs? Or is she gravitating back into the familiarity of fight with and/or blame my mother because that takes my mind off the work I have to do on me.
What would happen within you, not Hol, if you rewrite this to be about you, not Hol?
if you're NOT trying to control her behavior and yet after 5 years you think she will still change to suit you, then all you end up with is the same misery...
I don't think I've ever heard you in more misery and emotional pain than back a ways, when you struggled with her over and over and over. At the same time, it devolved into big fights and her disrespect, entitledness and expectations and (NOT my favorite) blame of you. Anything she could throw at you or the wall, because she couldn't face herself when she repeatedly turned it into YOUR problem.
Dunno if I expressed this very clearly, but it instantly jumped out at me. Hol can blame you, blame S, fight with you, fight with S, but as long as either Hol OR you are wrapped up in the blame-fight-react trap you've been in before, no change will happen.
IMO, it's completely HER problem, and this is that old cycle of you becoming therapist and winding up sucking mud yourself. I don't fear it's going to be a long cycle this time...you have learned so much by learning to step back. And GOOD for you for recognizing it more quickly this time. Made me happy (at first) to read this:
I think I'm going to stop being so available to her microscopic detail pseudo-analysis sessions. We have LOTS of farm stuff to talk about and do. But those conversations are consistently hijacked for the same hamster-wheel loop.
I desperately need a break from it.
Maybe it's going to take a pretty simple conversation with Hol, soon. Ex: "You know I love you and get hooked by your distress. I've learned that it's really not good for me to climb into conversations about you and S. A good therapist, even online, is what can help you -- and I hope you'll find one. But I'm gong to steer clear of these analysis sessions, because they wind up damaging both of us. Love you." Sumpin' like that.
Too much advice from me today, as I majored in doing all the unhealthy things I could see so clearly in others. Draining, exhausting and painful. In one relationship, with Poet, we've actually gotten to the miraculous stage where we monitor ourselves for unsolicited advice-giving. I'm better at it now, and when she is highly distressed or agitated about something (usually her partner) have reduced myself to saying sympathetically, "Gosh. What do you think you're going to do?" and then shoving a metaphorical sock in my mouth.
What do you think you're going to do?
hugs
Hops
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Oh... it's not as if she REALLY BELIEVES the blame is mine Hops. Things get said in the heat of the moment and I know they're rubbish; and they still hurt. Apologies often follow.
And I'm pretty restrained on the advice side of things - only SHE can make those decisions. But she is a verbal processor and MUST talk out all the stuff in her head. My job is to just listen and when she poses a question, my usual preface is that it's what I think; what I do; what my opinion is. All of that is "take it or leave it", doesn't matter to me except for expressing my wish to not see her cycle back into the same misery trap over & over.
It's been an insanely frantic morning here; with deliveries and moving studio stuff. I'm just having a bit of a sit down before I go run some necessary errands.
OH... and next week, Hol's drainage issues will be amended and we'll get 14 dump truck loads of gravel on the drive. It's 2-3 miles long. VERY nice young man with his own company and Hol's eyes lit up like lighthouse beacons meeting him. Said he was very cute but likely too young for her to chase; she noticed he didn't have a ring on - which for tradesmen is just a way to protect their hands. We giggled silly giggles over how smitten she was. He on the other hand, was very professional and all business. Liked having what he calls an easy job.
She has another friend here helping to move a sofa from the studio that's going to auction. And another will be coming out to complete the greenhouse with her. So, she's already replacing S, practically speaking. Oh, and the ladies will be here for Walpurgisnacht... altho S will be noticeably absent; AGAIN.
So YEAH, Hol's been driving herself nutz being way too much in her head. It's good to see her moving/doing again. Fingers crossed her situation resolves one way or another without me.
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Two phrases come to mind, regarding Hol.
"What are you gonna do about that?"
and ....
"Let me know how that works out for you."
Not saying it's easy to stay mum when a child is struggling. Just saying it takes us out of the equation if we (yes, the royal, Hops) step out of the way so all the child sees is themself with nothing else to push against besides their issues.
You can't solve Hol's problems, Amber and I know you know that.
You aren't abandoning her if you allow her to have her problems fully, on her own, IME. You're opening up space for her to identify options and realize her power, IMo.
I think that hits people hard .... that helpful chemical dump accompanying the realization no one will save us, so we better save ourselves, IME.
Really feeling the responsibility settle on one's shoulders, bc no one else is stepping up to carry an ounce of it feels......
very real, IME.
Sobering.....focused..... seriously in need of resolution.
It's raining here now and I want to check on all the new transplants. I hope you find joy and focus on your stuff, Amber.
I'm trying to take my own advice regarding a struggling DD today. I've been distracted....changing travel plans ...trying to position myself, but it's not easy.
And so....into the rain I go, hoping peace and clarity fill and keep me calm.....at a flexible, but consistent distance so DD finds she can trust and count on herself.
The journey continues.
Lighter
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In this episode of the young(ish) and anxious...
Holly's drama factory has spawned yet another "threat" to worry about. An old friend who's actively turned threatening and refusing to accept her rejection of his persistent advances. Both B and I have offered her practical steps to take to protect herself. She may call another friend of hers, who has strong law enforcement contacts. This is on top of the S issues, trying to maintain a social life and getting things done in the studio, plants in the ground, dogs cared for.
I think she's pushing herself to a breaking point. I haven't seen her actually RELAX in weeks. And she's nitpickingly critical - and desperately clinging to trying to control for every variable in the universe while holding herself blameless. To the point of hurting my feelings pretty intensely a couple days ago. Despite her claims to the contrary, I think she's completely losing her shit. Hopefully, it's just temporary.
I'm hanging in there - but have been VERY busy what with deliveries, swapping items in the studio, planning/ordering and trying to cope with her verbal processing sessions. But my list of to-dos is only growing as the mountain turns green... the house needs to continue getting a spring clean... and I need to remember to eat. New contractor is supposed to start today - he promised; he said he's be here Monday and I have a job that NEEDS to get done that will interfere with his work.
I got a LOVELY assortment of more medicinal herb plants from Richter's (in Canada) again. I really need to get them in the ground and start working outside while Hol finishes the ceiling. First batch of seeds needs tending today, finish laundry... start working on beds & plant the onions/garlic. I'm late getting those in but it's been wet and I even got chilly enough I had a fire going a week ago.
SO busy this time of year! I'm trying to stay focused on the to-dos and NOT navel-gaze over the same ground that HAS solutions but no one seems to want to go there. So, I'm going to carve out my own path and let Hol flail a bit more. FFS, she's old enough to be able to sort all this out and take care of herself better than this. She doesn't need a mommy. She knows this - and despite me shifting out of that mode, to more friend mode of interaction - anything I say or do for her CAN trigger a resentment reaction.
B has his own drama factory "back at the ranch". He said he's packing light and leaving as soon as he can for the next month's appts. We aren't talking as much as either of us likes. But the connection is still strong and clear. He's definitely a rock... with feelings too! LOL. A rare gem.
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Well now, the mysteries are cleared up.
S invited Hol down to see a movie and go to dinner, Sunday while I kept two of the dogs; she brought Beeb home for a vet appt this week. Monday early, she texted she was on her way back - way early for a "romantic overnight" ya know. One look at her face, and I knew what happened. I'd actually had a premonition of it too.
He has a new hiking "friend" - M - that he wants to pursue more of a friends with benefits situation with. But he ALSO wants to come out & spend the same quality of time here with Hol, that he has for 5 years. Hol understands somewhat the "non-manogamous" lifestyle, intellectually. But clearly, she's not cut out for that and wants an engaged, active partner. Good thing we're under a burn ban still or she woulda had a huge bonfire already.
I think she understands now, about her choice Lighter. She spent 6 hrs with me yesterday verbally processing all her feelings and beginning to wrap her head around this. She is still having to guess at just what S really wants, and is hanging onto the POSSIBILITY (however slim) that he'll come dragging himself back here, a changed man. She knows it's a longshot. He's told her he isn't happy here - feels lazy & incompetent. She insists he's the only one who can change that. He said she isn't "fun" - because she's working herself to death on the projects she wants to develop out here. Likes sharing that with her friends. I don't think he's on the friend list even, any more - despite her claims otherwise. She understands she's been used as a stepping stone to his "new life".
So, this morning she's in a whole new world and has an opportunity to not make the same mistakes again. Thing is, he sold her on essential green man, homesteader lifestyle - only to wind up in a basement apartment in the DC suburbs. Not even enough yard for his dog. He made a lot noise signifying nothing REAL about his ability or desire to actually make the effort required. He just wants to surf from one temporary hedonistic high to another with no accountability. I don't find this a redeeming characteristic - especially as judgemental as he is about others. (He's still afraid of B - despite how much B has helped out & fixed the things S broke.) Hol is still insisting that S is a good person... sigh. If he is such a good person, why didn't care enough about what SHE was feeling and needing help with?
Whatever. OPPs. But I think she's past the stage where the facts were smacking in the face to the point that she now has to corral some of her feelings into a new direction. She does need to come to terms with her hopelessness about meeting someone new and better suited. And the tendency to blame herself (where does she get that, I wonder?) for why he couldn't/wouldn't do more.
We have a little bit of priming left to do in the studio, then we can start painting. Work is good for her. Contractor's are about done with driveway; much nicer than the neglected country road in TO the driveway. Most of the cabinet stuff is here now. Custom cabinets won't be ready till June.
Contractor is here, checking progress. Maybe getting his check too. Didn't take the whole 5 days he estimated. We're definitely offering him a couple more jobs! All veterans and they don't dilly-dally.
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WELL. She certainly processed all her feelings about S in record time. I guess all the pre-grieving she did does have a use. She's back centered & grounded and now the topic is how she can get away to do things she's interested in with other people, as a way to meet someone new.
This weekend she'll have her group of lady friends out for Beltane fire. Studio is ready to paint, too.
Contractor is DONE with driveway, two days early and a grand under the estimate. But he'll be back to build a couple projects - fence and equipment shed - so she can check out all his guys. LOLOL. I am really impressed with this guy; younger guy - Hol thought he was VERY attractive, jumping right to, to get things done and doing math in his head. I definitely like him and how he operates/does business. He was recommended by the biggest, oldest commercial site prep company in the city over the mountain and is a local guy to me. And he likes our place.
B will be home Monday. He can help me with the garden, I need to get some stuff planted NOW.
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Whoosh! And, gee willikers.
Dunno if I "disapprove" of open relationships or just think they're deeply unrealistic, and except for a few, usually wind up in HURT. I might've once viewed it differently, when I still had hormones. Of course it'd be nice if Hol fully freed herself, but her path may be rocky to give her strong muscles for the future.
I'm bemused. There are humans, including attractive intelligent male ones, in the town near y'all. There must be a few peaceful pubs. But finding some group activity there would be a more practical way to connect. Volunteer for something local if she's willing. That's what I'd do in her lonely shoes. She doesn't have to give up the city and work connections, but maybe find some local ways to connect to the social web.
Sounds like she works like an engine just like her Mom. I personally think you both work too much, and perhaps that's one observation S made of Hol that could be fair to ponder. But what floats one boat sinks another and you two are sorta Amazons and seem to be happiest when pushing to the limit. Lighter is too.
I've completely lost track of what full productivity looks like, but I've turned out to feel happier the less that's on my plate. As Stanley Kunitz once said to me, "Carpenters at work look busy; poets at work look abstracted." (Probably told this one here sometime already.) But I'm at peace with the abstraction, which gets nothing done that's externally practical or productive.
Hearing about your absolutely whirlwind lives is fascinating and engaging to me.
I wish you happy-busy, same to Hol, and loved seeing your comment on B, too.
Hugs,
Hops
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Yeah, I think her BRAIN thinks this non-manogamy is something she SHOULD agree with. She's not entirely sure about that, as regards her feelings. My observation is that everyone actually defines that philosophy differently; we used to call that "playing the field", right? Secondly, what she WANTS from a partner is a solid, show up & help out type with some skills... that she can also enjoy spending time with and have fun adventures with. I mean, don't we all want that? In some way shape or form?
So she's willing to simply add more friends to her circle for now. And I think that's wise on her part. We started talking about the benefits I found in being alone. The thing I wasn't - much or often - was lonely. I enjoyed my solitude a great deal. She's definitely seeing the opportunities for her to explore and grow in this new phase. And she's seeing through the bit of manipulation S is trying to run in having his freedom yet still enjoy all the privileges he had before. She's not finding it an attractive arrangement - it means he'll be less engaged & present here than he was when he WAS here. She's exhaustively analyzing what she wants to do about this; how she really feels.
Working physically, for both of us, is a way to turn off the hamster wheel thought loops. Being IN our bodies and feeling that, feeling competent and safe there... is good stuff for how both she and I are built. It's taken me some time to be ABLE to do that again, but it's been worth it. She intends to also sign up for tai chi again. It's a chance to meet people and it's another good tool for quieting the mind. Connecting with one's self. She's realizing that she can help out & give more to her lady friends too. Whether just babysitting kids or connecting and supporting them. Through those local friends - she can go out more and meet people. Just because we live rural doesn't mean that's a hopeless cause. It takes a bit of coordination, support and planning but it IS doable.
So, I need to give her some space now that I know she's not going to fall apart emotionally and make some reckless impulsive decisions. Let her chew on this some more. I need to do MY stuff, with/without her help. There's no absolute deadlines, except for the planting.
B is so anxious he even packed his phone already! Heard it vibrating and had to repack that ruck. LOLOLOL.
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Good riddance to S..... when and if Hol accepts his proposed arrangement to give much less. Ptooh. I can't see her making peace with that, particularly as it takes up space for something and someone new.
I do have to say..... I appreciate S' honesty. He didn't have to tell the truth. He did. That's information Hol can't ignore or explain away. Whatever unconscious belief systems are behind her willingness to accept so little from S can be discovered and sorted, it's hoped. Maybe all her busy-ness can be stilled for a while...... to just feel what's real and follow the feelings where they live.
Is the bonfire done? I would have like to participate from afar.
Lighter
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Oh, there will be more fire. We have a massive amount of cardboard from recent studio purchases and old cabinets that won't be reused.
And maybe a few other things, if Hol gets tired of waiting for him to decide if he's in or out of their relationship. Like I said, she doesn't really "feel" this non-manogamy thing. Her girlfriends shared their experiences with her and I think that helped. She's planning on working on herself with the extra time she has now.
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The end of a thing that doesn't work can feel like a tragedy.... a terrible loss,, ime. Until clarity lands and it's just the end of a broken thing.....clearing space for something new.
I hope grieving and time lead Hol into curiosity for what comes next.
I hope it's not fear and regret. Those are old things. We've all had enough of them.
Hol is closing ranks with friends. There's joy in that. There's choice.
I look forward to the bonfires to come.
Lighter
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Well, we'll see how she does.
I'm so tired of talking about Steve, it's just not funny. She's so obsessed, it's like she can't think of anything else. The friends help her process it a little more. I'm going to try to find a distraction for her... Friend Deb is coming out this weekend, so that should help.
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Well, I guess facing and feeling the hard facts vs the fantasy she held on to, too long, kicked her better judgement into gear. I noticed the contractor coming in early yesterday and when I asked how she was feeling that morning, got told contractor's estimates for two small projects to help her manage the two remaining dogs and life there mostly by herself. She paid deposits; I'll cover the balance (I own that parcel.) So, she'll get to watch men work...
Next week, her buddy and maybe a friend are coming out to help her finish the god-forsaken greenhouse. 2-3 weeks from now, she's been asked to help organize a white water raft trip near here by another very solid (and single, she thinks) friend. The group going is her core group of solid friends.
Then too - she got some closure; certainty about situation from S. FINALLY. That also helped. She's got the first coat of paint on ceiling in studio (while we dropped B's rental yesterday). It's going to need a second coat and she's trying to get some pink on at least two walls today. She realized - in passing - she can move her bed back to where she has the best view now and still have room to walk. She's packing up & storing S's stuff for him to take with him next time and do with as he pleases. So, she's shifting into notcing the silver linings in this situation. FINALLY. The intense feelings are receding, for now.
Over time, she'll realize on her own, how much of an obstacle S was to her, and her project of making her house a home. The rest of us around her have seen it for awhile. Some tried to tell her. But she had developed a narrative fantasy about the "relationship" - which consisted of her giving and him taking, without ever giving back and even engaging with her less & less to the point of not at all, about anything in her life - the house, property, dogs, "adventures"... and she's been grumbling about him and frustrated the whole 5 years. The one grudge I know kept haunting her, was that he refused to visit her in jail. (He didn't "like jails". ) <rolleyes> That DUI was directly related to the fact that S had frustrated the crap out of her and she went to visit a friend and blow off steam - getting carried away. I remember cautioning her when she left the house!
I ain't buying even his self-description. He's more of a serial monogamist; after using up all the patience, good graces of his partner, and then being asked for just the basics of any normal relationship... repeatedly, he'll search for and find someone else to leech off of. Never ever having said more than 5 words about his past. This generation's penchant for staying friends with ex's means Hol has met and talked to 3 of them. Same pattern. But of course, Hol was recently bouncing back from the Bovie mess of 9 years and understandably WANTED to be charmed into feeling part of a couple. And yes, I TRIED then, to point out what his actions were reading ilke, to me. To prevent this from happening, hopefully. She wasn't having it. Nor from her friends who tried.
Everything else he did say about himself was some made-up pretend fairy tale meant to "buy" himself out of actually doing what he said he liked to do. The "green man" moved to the suburbs into a small apartment with no yard. Living in the woods is just too much work for someone who would rather just play on his phone all day and be fed & picked up after like a 14 yr old boy. The "lie" got twisted into Hol's fantasy of him.
At 46, you'd think Mom wouldn't have to help her with this kind of thing. But she is rather isolated out here, compared to living in town. There isn't anyone else right here. So, it's a good thing she's been putting energy into developing her network of ladies and other friends and has been getting out to do things in other places. SAFELY, I might add.
Anyway, she's getting there, but Mom is already flat out RELIEVED that he's gone so we don't have to deal with this crap any longer. And if S just abandons his "stuff" out here... another pattern... Hol is not opposed to a really BIG bonfire. If feels like we can finally live our lives (B & I) without some new drama hanging over our heads to help Hol process. And maybe now we can get back to collaborating on studio.... and talk about SOMETHING, ANYTHING ELSE but S!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, I'm exhausted!
So Monday, contractor will start building a gated fence around the Hut, so we can keep Kiri, the pup, contained and Hol wll have an easier time training her to voice commands. She's a smart dog; already knows some of the commands it took Knuckles 3-4 years to learn. At the same time, another team will start a pole barn behind her garage for equipment storage & wood oollection. This summer, B & I will clear a space next to the studio to build our own wood shed & wood processing "yard".
/end of the S saga & moving on... full speed ahead!
<BIG SMILES!!!!>
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I hear the relief and letting go....that's so good for all of you.
Hol does have access to an online therapist, who could help her stop relying on you as the safe, constant, no-consequence place to DUMP. For so long she allowed herself to depend intensely on you to sort out her own emotional and relationship life. She'll feel much more positive about herself once she has longer periods of independent practice (hopefully also in teamwork with a T) in discovering layers and recognizing indicators (of posers, narcissists, the selfish, and whatnot) and the red flags in hindsight. She can find nuances, too.
I'm glad she clarified her "open" relationship, meaning "the door's open and don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out." His entitlement was so off the charts.
I picked through the wreckage of two marriages for a long time after each. But I kept the pattern going: falling for men I could weave into my FANTASY of what would happen. Still did it on the cusp of 70, with M. Now I feel no fear of that mistake. Bit late in life for the penny to drop, but it done dropped!
I think Hol's smarter than that, and it'll be interesting to see her experiments and directions and adventures and retreats and learnings. But now you can watch from the comfort and closeness of being with B, dreaming your own separate dreams.
Pupper is chewing on my feet. My feet are not used to this. LOL
hugs
Hops
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I hope S is ready to move on. He might feel a certain way about losing the home, companionship and security of Hol always being there.
Hopefully, anger kicks in to carry Hol through and out.
I'd give S a date to get his things then use cleansing fire to finish that chapter. I dislike people using things to control. Hol will figure it out.
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I am having a LOT more questions about the competency of these pain mgmt docs come up.
We waited two months for urology appt on the surgeon's recommendation to eliminate the possibility there was another health issue causing the retention problems that are clearly caused by the stimulator and the leads being where they are. Urology doc was smart, funny & drop-dead tv doc gorgeous... that appt was Thursday last.
Yesterday, back to surgeon, to make a decsion where to go from here with stimulator. After 6 months of having a device that doesn't provide any relief and only makes things worse... he finally admitted that the device tech has tried everything and it's not going to work; they have no records that these things cause these symptoms - even though I FOUND documentation from an Oxford study that it does in fact, occur. So we agreed to another trial of a stimulator at two different spinal locations higher up. That all has to be approved - again - via the federal insurance and includes another psych eval to see if B's parience has completely run out this year and if he's likely to sue the docs or worse. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. OH, and no offer of any Rx to help manage the spasms/pain either. What do they expect a normal person in constant daily pain to react like? Of course B's pissed! And slightly depressed too.
The new trial is to determine if there's enough relief at those spinal locations to warrant attempting to remove/implant a new one. Then the insurance will have to approve the actual surgery. In B's experience, that's taken as long as 6 mos to a year, for approvals. He has a new team; they've appeared to be more competent & responsive. But it still leaves us in limbo about what might happen when. SIGH.
One new wrinkle in S-saga: apparently new girlfriend didn't work out. LOL. Talk about counting your chickens... I have yet to actually talk to Hol this week so I don't have a clue what's going on yet. I don't think she's going to continue the relationship in any form, except friendship, given what she's said previously. Be interesting to see how committed she is to that decision. She's busy this week with contractors and her friends that are helping with greenhouse.
We're busy getting ready to make a quick road trip over the weekend and I am just drained from the last months supporting Hol. Even though I'm driving, it'll help (I know the route well & B gets lost easily). We're going past a few reasonably close woodsy getaway areas we can investigate later. I need more than a few days to take care of my stuff around here and figure out what's going on with my seeds - very bad germination rate this year. I need to plant the baby herbs, too or repot them in my bigger pots. Probably a good idea to do laundry too. LOL.
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I'm so sorry about B's situation, Skep. It's very easy to see why people end up self medicating with drink or drugs. Intolerable situation to create for a person, and then to act surprised when they become frustrated. Personally i see large scale abuse across public sector institutions that mirrors what many of us have experienced within our own families. Unacceptable.
As for S - I think a nice little spot for him under a patio somewhere would be my inclination :) Lol x
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We all are aware enough of our shadows out here, that this solution has been suggested (in mostly jest) more than once Tupp!
But, she's wedded to the idea that he is free to choose as he likes - and only he has to live with the consequences of his choice. She'll get over this and move on. And deal with the feelings in herself that have come up as a result of this situation. So she doesn't repeat her mistakes.
My lips are sealed and I'm minding my own business, unless she says something about herself that is definitely untrue and needs to be corrected. Lordy, does she have some good people as friends helping in that realm too!
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Part of me is chanting....
"BURN HIS STUFF! BURN HIS STUFF!" But that's just bc I'm well over Hol giving up any more time or space in her life to him and his things.
Or maybe I miss bonfires.
Lighter
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It's a beautiful moment when any woman who's been taken for granted, toyed with, ignored when she expresses her needs, had her dreams dismissed -- has that interior "click" that says, NO.
NO this is not good enough. NO I don't have to settle. NO I'm not happy. NO I deserve love, commitment and partnership.
I'm glad for Hol and for you, because watching her not value herself all this time has been so hard for you.
Here's to Hol, and to her allowing for the possibility of good things happening. Ditto how wonderful her friends must be.
About B, I'm just so sad for him. I have back pain that's a half of a one on his scale of 10, and it undermines my spirit at times. I can't imagine how much fortitude that man has in his soul. (Or how lucky he is to be with you.)
hugs
Hops
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Lighter - I had to laugh at the "burn his stuff" chant. My inclination is to vigorously join in! But, one of the contractor crews that built her hut will at least come get S's old car (that he started to work on & gave it up; not running). Greenhouse is finally closed in thanks to help from a couple friends last week.
Hops - "the power of no" is spot on! I can see her beginning to master this finally. Of course she signed up for a couple dating apps... met one local guy she's actually talking to and may meet up with. They have some things in common - he has a sailboat, that's a liveaboard; but he's taking a year off to help out his mom. This one is at least new friend material, but there might be some chemistry there too. He's a little older than her, but that's GOOD.
Then, I watched the whole story of a new guy trying to chat her up. Guy around S's age - 5 years younger than her. He obviously thought he was god's gift to women, and was clearly only interested in one thing. Didn't care to know anything at all about her... and thought he was so impressive she would swoon under his charms. Her last message before blocking him was "good luck & goodbye". All in the space of a couple hours. So I feel assured she isn't going to repeat her previous mistakes. She visited an old friend at her GF's house on Sunday; going camping/rafting with her core buddies in a couple weeks too.
She has tried to continue communicating with S - with the same results. So resignation and acceptance is settling into her mindset. If what he says is true, he needs a period of intense therapy. Otherwise, it sounds like a convenient, inarguable excuse. Either way - it ISN'T possible (and HASN'T BEEN) to have a relationship with someone like that. Much less, trust that her needs will recognized and met. So, she is looking out for and protecting herself. Current contractor projects will make her life 100% easier; more peace of mind.
B & I took a short road trip over the weekend. I drove since I knew the ins/outs of the route and even just driving was a welcome break for me. There were some less than pleasant aspects to the trip - but we're no worse for wear. He's a good road trip buddy, even when just riding shotgun. I was reminded how much out of step I am, in cities now. It's an alien environment for both of us and neither of us relax while there. But the drive is my old route north back "home" and to the shop in MI. So he got to see the mountain part of that trip.
When we got back I came out & sat on the porch in the dark and could just feel this place wrapping it's welcoming protection and care around me again. There's just such good energy here and while it's hard physical work caring for the place - our philosophy is less "making it so" and stewardship instead.
Studio project is demoted to less pressing right now. Both Hol & I need to plant (weather still isn't very good for it) and she has the two support projects going on at her place. But she got the pale pink on the walls and the ceiling done; still has one more patch to deal with over new windows. The color is WAYYY better than I hoped it would be; depending on the light it shifts peachy, instead of rose. And it's pale enough that it's just a hint of color that's cozy; not a statement... so functioning as a neutral. Still have trim to cut & put up and painting trim is next step. Going to clear out a lot of the cardboard & trash; and start putting things against walls again. Then we're on to plumbing and mini-kitchen cabinets. Bathroom will be last.
I have to re-order the bar that was damaged in shipping and get a vanity ordered. B has work to do in the garage downstairs... with help from both of us. Then he can get another workspace for himself set up... and we can decide which tools we're going to keep/sell... making more space in there. I *think* B will be able to get completely moved by this fall. TBD.
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(tiny chant)
::burn his stuff....::
I'm all for B moving full time to the farm. Finally🪺
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I'll never understand any generation younger than Gen X.
S apparently hasn't changed his address at work or registered his car in the new state. His paychecks are still being mailed here, and when Hol offered to mail them to him, he said he'd come out & pick 'em up but he can't say when that'll be. Guess he doesn't need the money. <shrug>
She said she's done doing anything for him, she's not specifically asked to do. And from the past week's conversations with her, she is moving on with all due intention and speed - carefully. She realizes it might be 10 years before he figures out who he is, at this rate. She doesn't want to waste that time.
The dating apps have proven to be risky, too. Handful of guys who's first loyalty is their male appendages and expect women to fall at their feet, because it's so glorious. (Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha) Her inner Dorothy Parker shut them down quickly. Then there was a sweet naive open guy who's managing his parents farm near DC. Yowzers - they have big bucks! He turned out to like wearing little girls' undies and wanted someone to "play" out his fantasies with. She was kinder to him, but just as firm about not wanting to entertain something that complicated and unfamiliar in her moral map. She was once a little girl that men would fawn over, too. The resistance is deep about that kind of thing, in her.
Then, there is one local guy she might meet up with casually some time. The one with the sailboat and family loyalty. And THEN, lo and behold, she finally matched with a guy northwest of here, who is homesteading on his own place. Nicely built house, baby kitties are getting their "house" built, he just picked up some more chickens. Welder by trade and just a normal guy, only a couple years older than her. She'll have lunch with him next week because he's on her way to the camp out location/raft trip. And if something clicks - maybe she'll meet up again on the way back. I think she likes the fact that he's got his own independent life and is doing it, just like she is. She's not thinking much about long-term until she gets a read on just who he is and what he's like.
Clearly over the worst of the emotional reaction and moving on, so Mom can finally stand down on that front. When she gets back we'll be diving back into studio reno again. B is changing water heaters today and tomorrow. Her fence is done; needs a few tweaks here & there but it's a help while I'm keeping her dogs while she's outta here having fun with her friends & a few new folks. She's been busting her butt around here keeping grass short & trimming the edge of the long driveway. In addition to the big painting push in the studio. So she's EARNED some extended time off. She has enough close friends - and they keep in touch - that there is a lot to balance the solitude out here. She has no concrete reason to feel isolated... so forging the way forward.
It's a lot to juggle for me, with B being sensitive to how much of my time I dedicate to her. But I've been doing that for 46 years, with different partner responses. Her dad - even though he's close - hasn't touched base with her in over 6 months. It's like she doesn't exist. She mentions it every now & then, but I think she's accepted the fact he's just in a different world that isn't exactly her comfort zone. And it's obvious that she's latched onto B - Mr. Paternal and over-protective - for some male energy input & wisdom. He always shows up for her, when she needs help. She is now looking for that kind of thing from the prospective "partners" she's shopping. I certainly hope a few of them also curl her toes! <wink wink>
B is more than enough to fill my life and the time each day, but he's also independent and we shift back & forth over who's caring for who, as needed. But it'll soon be our turn to escape all this for awhile, too. We just need to find some stability in his pain issues, somehow. And I need some more physical energy to keep up with things. I did get a lot of my herbs planted, then I ran out of topsoil. I either need to run over the mountain to get some more bags or see if I can get some from Hol. But I won't last long with a shovel. The heat is beginning to creep in, too and the garden is a lush mass of green weeds. NOTHING has been planted out yet because it's been too cool & wet for most things. Tomatos are finally germinating but no squash or cucumbers. Hol got a few things in the ground last week too.
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And the temps have cooled off again; got topsoil at tractor supply; my herbies are more than ready to go out... started working on cleaning up beds... and B has turned under the weed carpet in the garden again: tomatoes are ready and I'll just direct seed other stuff now. This is supposed to last 3-4 days, so making hay while the sun shines!
More later.... lots of things "in progress" at the moment but still the same phase.
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Now this is where I'd be doing the behaviour on the other thread that none of us can come up with the quite the right word for, Skep. Mail that is not for me goes back in the mailbox 'Not Known At This Address'. Dating minutes after coming out of another failed long term relationship is a huge no from me. I would not be able to keep my mouth shut or acknowledge different people/behaviour/generations etc, I'd be in full on overbearing mode :) Lol, you do an unspeakably good job keeping yourself out of it all.
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It's breezy sunny here, Amber. Almost cool, but not. I have fruit trees and shrubs to plant. Apples, peaches, blueberries and if course figs🪺
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I haven't much luck with figs - not even in NC. I had planned to get some blueberries, but things are so slow this spring I'm too busy trying to get the herbs & basics in the ground. The medicinal garden (started last year) is doing extremely well! Horehound, hyssop, lemon balm, spearmint & peppermint, a huge gorgeous valerian, lots of echineacea, lambs ear, boneset, comfrey... and some of the more important "herbs" are considered native weeds - but we have great environment for them: coltsfoot, mugwort, mullein, teasel, etc.
I'm trying to revive my raspberries. I may have pruned them too hard last time or need to add more dirt in that bed.
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And I STILL need to plant!!!!!!!!!!! <frowny face!>
My day(s) get hijacked by other people's needs for me to do things or spend time with them. That's on me, I know. And it rained the past 2 days. Now I've got orders rolling in for studio; except for custom cabinets that are delayed, 'coz his little boy - a toddler - broke his leg. Totally understand the baby comes first. It's not like we're at the point we're waiting around for them, to complete the room. Lots to do before then.
Hol & I have worked out a better dogsitting arrangement, now that she has a fence. Better for dogs, me, and B.
And she's met someone who's lit her up like a Christmas tree. They spent last Sat together, talking till the wee hours. We met him briefly and he is confident enough in himself to chat amiably. (Big change from S.) Works in the medical tech field; assistive technology. Recently bought a property near here, that he is going to attempt renovating. Knows dogs well, his dad trained sled dogs. She describes him as a person with sense of humor like hers, and an intentional, disciplined mentality - exercises & practices moderation; thinks before he speaks... that kind of thing. He's her age; reasonably attractive to her. She is intentionally taking it slow with him and he's respecting that. She understands the double-edged sword of "hope".
So, one foot in front of the other and moving on around here.
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Wow to you both, plus dogs.
Sounding overall very new-life-in-spring on the mountain, which I'll bet is just gorgeous at the mo'...trees blooming....do you have redbuds?
Happy to hear of Hol's excitement too. Cautious and slow sound good and she sounds like she's being in the present, step by step.
Fingers crossed!
hugs
Hops
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Redbuds have bloomed a month ago Hops. There is about a mile section of highway lined with redbuds that's glorious each spring. Last year a storm "pruned" many of them, but the blooms were still impressive.
Hol's new guy has spent the last 2 nights here with her. I've hardly heard a peep from her the whole time! <big smiles!> He's on his way south for a week's vaca with his family. Apparently, his ability to talk is meeting her needs and lessening her reliance on me. Fingers crossed, he's meeting her needs in other ways too. There was a problem with the new main gate in the fence, just installed. He did help her temporarily rig it. Contractor will be out tomorrow to permanently correct the situation.
Got plants in the soft garden dirt, B tilled. Temps will be cool enough for me to get some seeds in too. Deliveries for the studio are arriving and B is handling the plumbing for same.
Got an employee at the shop transgressing boundaries of decision hierarchy. Bless her heart - she's trying to help - but way out of her sandbox. Bro & I talked and are on the same page. His intuition is about like mine on what her motivation is. But he also gave me a very nice compliment - said my reply was clear, firm and informed her of where the boudary is... when he showed it to my nephew, his comment was: it must be nice to have a smart sister! <big smiles again> That's not something I've ever heard much of from my family. Feels warm & fuzzy!
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Not a lot of progress. Heat & no-see-ums renders me pretty useless. As a result, I made a half-hearted attempt to cover the garden with weed fabric and STILL need to weed (and finish planting). The other herbs are doing well.
Cabinets & countertops in studio have gone super slow - and mistakes were still made. But B thinks he can work around it so we have a functional sink up there. The damn designer (me) thought 1-1/2" butcher block would be cool... without realizing just how HEAVY it is. But the end is in sight, in the main room, then we'll start on the bathroom; mainly removing the shower & a facade wall that the plumbing is run in. More drywall; YUCK.
Hol's social needs are her priority, right now. Taking about a week to visit with friends & new guy is back. The ladies are also out this weekend. He & she are headed to the big city for an overnight excursion. So getting quality B time! S seems to be fading from the picture - and she's not committing too quickly to new guy. There's another rafting & campout trip planned in a couple weeks - so she may have lunch on the way there with yet another interesting (but very busy) guy.
Looks like our mini-drought is over, but it's still HOT. There's at least a CHANCE of rain once a week. B is going to head back to assemble another load to move. Then, will be back in about 6 weeks. Depending on what drame ensues there.
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Hi, Amber:
Your post has me thinking about stuff, moving, keeping and scattering it to the wind. Part of me plans to get rid of everything....soon .... everything not in use, including the generations of family stuff I've safe guarded mindlessly for years. I honestly saw no choice in the matter. Now I sense choice. I'm moved to choose differently. To release. Let go. Be free of.
How many loads does B have to move? I lean hard towards hiring someone to make a final move with and for him.... be t sure B does things one way. His way. His stuff. I get it, but as I age....I yearn to let go.
Of everything.
My figs are so healthy. The blueberry bushes are fine. The pear and apple trees have been assaulted by deer and beetles...I think. Not a leaf left and they were full of fruit earlier in the Spring. All gone now.
Running the hose 400' then 150' of soaker hose threw off the well pump it is assumed. Replaced the pressure switch with no improvement. Turning off the hose restored pressure, however.
Happy planting, Amber
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...stuff I've safeguarded mindlessly for years. I honestly saw no choice in the matter. Now I sense choice. I'm moved to choose differently. To release. Let go. Be free of.
A GIANT Woo Hoo to this, Lighter! Wow wow wow.
And Amber, I'm feelin' you about the heat and noseeums. Little buggers. I guess we're sowing what we've reaped and there are so many people suffering intensely from the heat. So you have a nearby swimmin' hole? I hope so. I was in the mountains yesterday and it felt so good to look at their gorgeous, gorgeous profiles.
I recommend a good Imperial IPA.
Happy to hear about Hol taking the reins of her life again. Glad she's not rushing.
hugs
Hops
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Hol has a swimming pond and keeps a stock tank clean & full this time o' year. My pond is full of goose shit & snapping turtles - DO NOT ENTER!
Yesterday & this morning are pleasantly cool. But I'm on dog duty: Knuckles with us & me traversing back & forth to manage the other two at the Hut. It's more complicated today, since the contractor texted me at 5 to say they were starting the pole barn this morning. I was up in time to make coffee before the first truck arrived. Then I spent an hour managing the gate while the 3-4 other trucks came in, in between letting Beeb & Kiri out.
B & I have been working on the studio counter tops. I've got two more finish coats of oil to seal the sink counter, then he starts assembling. Run over the mtn tomorrow for an eye appt., and back on Friday to pick up rental for him to go back & organize another load. Again, I think I'm going to enjoy having a little freedom back. He & I work well together but there are a couple things causing me frustration & overwhelm. Some of it is Hol-related. Some of it is B not wearing his hearing aids. And according to Hol, I don't speak loudly enough and B says he can't understand my midwest accent sometimes... and he has no explanation for why he won't wear the hearing aids, except to medical appts.
Well, my day started early but I have to start it all over since I skipped a few things in my routine... to accommodate for Hol's absence.
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Amber: I think the background noise is if hearing aid use can be overwhelming. That's likely a part of B's reluctance to wear them consistently.
I'm tickled Hol is having fun with her new relationship. As long as it lasts, may she find the joy in it.
Lighter
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I have a couple friends who won't wear their hearing aids and it's a pain. One mumbles sotto voce at her feet, the other looms close to your face while you shout what you just said.
Fun, eh? EH?
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Yup! It's amazingly frustrating Hops.
Lighter: he swears he can hear a gnat fart with the aids in. And he does get a lot of feedback which doesn't help either.
When called for, I can speak VERY loudly but that doesn't feel calm to me. So I guess I might have to try "resetting" that association.
Had a short chat with Hol, when she got home with C, the new man. She looks happily exhausted from her friends "vacation". My impression of him is that he does seem more manly than S. More independent, more active, more open and easy to be around & talk to. There is some noticeable "caring" that shows in his eyes. He's going to hang out here to use her guest room for completing some remote work for a few days. We'll see how this goes. She was over the moon, when he insisted on mixing up & baking her some bread for the ladies get-together. LOL. It's almost always the "little things" that mean the most.
It's definitely giving B & I more time together and that is a tangible relief. A tidal flow of comfort is always moving between us and it improves our communication, when he's focused on hearing me.
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What a beautiful description:
A tidal flow of comfort is always moving between us
A lovely connection. Wow. That explains your deep patience with his endless move, his pain, everything.
Brava, brava!
hugs
Hops
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So, B's plans to head back for another load were delayed a week - due to an unannounced appt scheduled with the surgeon. It was a nothing appt. The usual checkup questions, the same confusion over paperwork (and insurance personnel being on vacation)... nada, nothing but ongoing frustration... and of course a fee to the insurance company.
I think I need to start looking for different docs. And possibly a different KIND of doc. I'm going to think on that and dig around.
And last eye appt, the doc is back on the cataract surgery kick. Last time, I was told I didn't have them. So WTH? Might be time for a different opinion on this, too, before committing to surgery. I NEED my eyes more than almost any other sense.
Studio progress is slow. B took over the sink installation and he is over-engineering things. Hol gets in a rush and that drives Mr. OCD very crazy... and she doesn't always do a thorough job. They've both pushed me out of doing lots of things for myself... which is beginning to be a problem for me. Once I have my solitude back, in some measure, I'll unpack that puzzle and look for a different tack.
The garden is a disaster again this year. As I mentioned on Tupp's thread, I simply can't work in the heat & buggy season. I merely harvested some feverfew for tea (for B) and had 4-5 huge welts. Long sleeves/pants don't help. I can't wear bug spray - unless it's a short time and I shower soon after. I need to rethink the garden too.
B's stumbling along pretty good. There was another occurance of this recurring "meningitis" crap - and the last was 6-9 months ago, so the repetition is spacing out. It's not a true meningitis - just the symptoms are very similar. No doc has figured out the actual cause and then treated it... which apparently isn't something the medical profession does anymore. He did fall, and that might've had something to do with this occurance. I put him back on his antibiotic tinctures for a couple days and it did resolve. For now.
Hol's new guy is definitely keeping her entertained and he is definitely the opposite of S. He talks so much I wonder how much of it is really true. But, he is likeable... and has normal behavior patterns socially. He has a lot on his plate with a house he's going to rehab... so they do spend some time together; days at a time. But then, they're on their own again. And of course, he works as a programmer for software that helps non-verbal autistic kids communicate. And she is still letting S come out for a couple days. Last time, they didn't do a thing together and he didn't really talk. And her anger-button was pushed again. I can't get her to see that this behavior is always going to push her button - it's part of her natural personality. She doesn't do that kind of inconsiderate people gracefully.
But I'm not spending a lot of time on it. I figure, she'll soon come to the fact she is never going to get what she wants from S and will stop trying or having time for him.
Her projects are starting to get squared away. And she's already collecting logs to cut wood. My racks are full, and there's another pile out by the barn and more to come down yet. C'mon cool weather!! ;)
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My attitude to the garden this year was to blow a kiss to it, wish it well, and let it go fallow. Even filling planters with flowers was beyond me this spring. And the nice change is, I feel no shame about it. Let go, change plans, simplify from here to the pearly gates.
I'm sorry about B's struggles, and yours. Was sad/glad to hear you pondering older-age needs when it comes to steepness and stairs, though. Realism is good and relieves a lot of angst.
Happy Hol's happier, too. Even Knuckles must be.
hugs
Hops
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Ugh....the heat at the lake house has been treacherous! Sent the 26yo helper home with a headache then noticed I was overheated later while scrubbing back porch. I'm glad you don't have to go into the heat, Amber.
::Sending B continued patience, strength and healing::.
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Wondering this morning if there are any practical considerations to trying to clean house naked? Yes, it's THAT hot - when you can't take enough clothes off. Even inside, even with the AC crankin'.
All the plants are suffering from lack of rain. Yes, we've watered. But it's not the same. MIGHT get some rain this aternoon/evening.
Round 2 of studio work will be commencing end of this week, weekend. Baseboard & window trim; my roman shades are in transit from Guangzhou, of course. Probably a slow boat... but it will help to have those west windows covered, with the AC in the studio. It's $10k to replace the AC unit.
B takes off this morning; he's spent a couple days OCD'ing all his stuff & packing. Probably won't be back till end of August, Sept 1.
Hol & C are spending an awful lot of time together at the Hut - altho the studio has had a couple wild nights too. He's been working most of the days and she's been off doing her stuff. So, they're getting comfy with the arrangement.
My new glasses should be in this week.
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Hopefully C's presence means S is out of the picture.
Drink icy beverages and get naked if it helps, Amber.
Lighter
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Weird memory from writing health books:
I was surprised to learn something that applies to iced beverages, too. The example was about warm baths before sleep EVEN IN HEAT. A research doc explained:
What happens is that the bath raises your core (most important) temperature, and when you get out your body goes to work to lower it again. So you are cooler for hours after a hot bath even when it's hot outside.
That's why you sleep better in summer if you're a warm+-bath-before-bed person. Likewise, a hot bath before bed in winter feels great during, but afterward your body goes to work to lower your core temp again to a cooler temp. So probably in winter a room-temperature shower is best before bed. Or switch it to mornings.
Generally speaking in extreme weather, neutral temperature drinks likely let your body do its temperature-regulating thing more easily.
Then again, Amber, all the WORK you yearn to do in hot weather sounds like something one could just...not do? Happy to offer lazy-day tips on request. LOL.
And I very often don't practice stuff I know I could. It was just interesting to learn that tidbit and it stuck in my head.
hugs,
Hops
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Fancy that: my glasses have taken almost a month to come in. I'll check on them again today. I cancelled my haircut, because in another 2 weeks, maybe - possibly - the bangs I'm growing out won't still require barrettes to stay out of my eyes. Eng of August, my hair should've grown past my shoulders again. I don't have any burning desire to have long hair again, except it's different.
It's been weird this time, that B is gone. I am struck by how easy it is to start depending on a person who is always there.
To be continued. These two are back in and I forgot my coffee.
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So, B & I are still in a holding pattern with the docs. He hasn't said anything, so probably hasn't heard anything about insurance approval to test a different location for the stimulator leads. This means he has good days and bad, bad days. When he has bad days, he tends to use anger for the adrenalin kick it provides, to get him through the day. It is either a holiday or very very rarely, that he takes a day off to do absolutely nothing. He usually gives me fair warning, about his outbursts of anger - because, if he blindsides me he's not overly fond of my instant mirror-reaction. He's learned that lesson, I think.
This is a problem of "gentle souls" in this world, I think. They adjust, adapt & put up with life's slings & arrows till they're pushed past that amount of tolerance - and then they flip into anger. Hol has the same issue, but is handling hers a bit differently. The two of them, have butted heads when in the same mode, however. That didn't end too well as they've put some unnecessary distance between themselves and are communicating awkwardly again. It will take some time to mend that; C is helping - he and B have motorcycles in common.
And I think in some ways, this is a time when many of us (at least here on the farm) are struggling yet again with the old traditional archetypal patterns that define roles and how we manifest those. Between Hol and I, there is still good communication - but there is also something new coming from her. Sort of a pulling away; separating off into her own llfe. Which I WANT her to do. She keeps adjusting boundaries, while she's figuring this out. Sometimes, it's awkward but we're able to talk through it. She needs to have her own life, so I can have mine. I can't be her constant go-to for company if she's not content being on her own. She is learning how to enjoy solitude - but it's not her natural habitat. I don't think she'll ever be comfortable with a steady diet of it, either. But for me, it's massively therapeutic and beneficial. She has a hard time seeing how that's nutritious for me, when it definitely isn't for her.
C is still kind of an unknown to me. I have spent some time talking to him; getting to know him because he's way more socially skilled than S. He's done a lot of travelling - which Hol wants to do more of. They're making semi-serious plans. He's educated and seems to fit the profile of "digital nomad", although he's committed to rehabbing a house he bought just 1/2 hr north of our county seat. That kind of work is also right up Hol's alley and she thrives on being helpful and useful. He talks a mile a minute - which exhausts me but is a good chance for me to practice feeling confident and solid in my personal space; not feeling pushed. It's perfect for Hol as her quick wit & silliness can riff off his words in an instant. At least he has some dreams, ambition, and skills that he likes to be creative with in his own life! Something not seen at all, in S. She is still letting go of that slowly; sort of by attrition.
She's said that she's not creating any narrative or defining this new relationship. She is still a little gunshy after the back to back disappointments of the last two relationships. So, staying solid in herself. And she knows I'm not going anywhere... LOL. Stick in the mud mom!
I'm not noticing being a homebody means I'm at a loss for something to do! There is PLENTY to do around here, all the time and honestly, I have to call "we're not going anywhere these days" with B. Otherwise we'd be running hither & yon for this part or supplies, to nose around flea markets or farmer's markets. or for med appts. And then, there are the days/weeks he's got his mind on a project and he hardly comes up for air. I'm just goin' with the flow these days.
Two more cabinets are here for the studio. Cody helped get them upstairs. My custom made work cabinets should be done soon, too. So I can actually put things AWAY. And we can experiment with furniture layout. My sewing cabinet has been unboxed upstairs so I can start putting that together. Maybe Knuckles & I can do that today. Get started anyway. Hol hates these "ready to assemble" things, but she did get the 4 barstools done. I have a repair to do on the arm of her old couch (she collects them) - this will be a bit of a challenge. And I have trim still to cut for the new windows. She still has quarter round to cut for baseboards, but we need to also pull up/replace a couple of floor boards. Then it's just the fun decorating stuff. (Like installing the glass shelves over the sink.) In that room. We have to demo the shower in the tiny bath: then move plumbing and probably drywall again. Vanity is already here, but I can shop for a mirror. Maybe. I have a pretty good sized one - repurposed from another project - that would fit that space, if I can perhaps find a frame. And I'm still considering wall paper in there. Something sorta toile-reminiscent... it's pen & ink linework - roses with skulls intertwined in an optical illusion. Overall pattern. It's just too perfect for that space and where I'm going with the whole space, but it's totally extravagant cost-wise.
The forecast is for a 50-50 chance of rain the next couple days. We REALLY need it. Spring was overly cool & wet - even with grow lights, my seeds did poorly till May. After Memorial Day, the drought set in with a vengence and even my herbs are looking sad. They are difficult to water being spread all over the place in the rocks. I guess I'll see what survives winter - and go from there.
Can you guess I'm looking forward to fall? I'm so over this heat & drought it's nowhere NEAR funny. And I'm getting tired of not having the studio "done" enough to at least stay in the A/C and sew. Had a historical project I was ready to start - just as Hol started pushing on the drywall. SIGH. We have different internal timetables, too.
No idea what I'll actually get up to, today.
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Amber: I nodded through much of your post as youngest DD is learning to feel secure in solitude, the heat is kicking me hard and projects are stuttering forward,stalling and starting again.
My 4 little Thai Basil plants are thriving, but I didn't start them from seed. Our fruiting plants are very sad .. a second blueberry bush died. Bless your energy and interest in growing your own food and apothecary. I recognize it, but it's distant.
As for fall getting here, I'm with you. I can't wait, even though it means hours of fending leaves off the moss. I'll take it over this wilting heat.
Lighter
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Skep I think the only thing I would do if I were cleaning naked would be to put a warning notice up to prevent trauma to others :) Lol, I think I might be careful with products as well, not sure I'd want to get bleach splashed on my hoo haa :) Lol I can only imagine heat now, it's rare for me to take my cardigan off these days :)
I think the thing that makes me angry about health related nightmares (such as B's and I know so many other people) is I think what the bleep is the point of us being lucky enough to have options and knowledge and surgery capabilities and all the rest of it and then making it so difficult for people to access it. So many years he's been dealing with this now and still it's all up in the air. Crazy situation. I think it must help in some way that he's not dealing with it all alone though, stoical as he is, it does help with someone on your side.
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Tupp, he still thanks me for going to appts with him. No one's ever done that before. After the first surgery, driving back he was still coming up from anasthesia and had been given a pain killer. He was babblingly effusive about how much it meant to him that I went with and stayed to bring him back home. I sense that for whatever reason, none of his family or partners gave much of a damn about him - and refused to even have normal human compassion and consideration for him. Holly drove for the second surgery and so, she got his focus that time. Poor guy was pretty out of it.
It's good that I go, because sometimes he doesn't hear things correctly - or it triggers emotions from a past experience. Sometimes he forgets to ask important things or can't remember times/dates/incidents of concern.
So, having someone demonstrate CARE for him seems to be a new experience. That definitely colors our "relationship" a little differently. And my old resistence to allowing someone to take care of me has poked through a couple times, too. So we TRY, we make mistakes, we talk about it... and try again. Same way Hol has approached a couple faux pas with him, too. It kinda freaks him out that we don't just cuss him & then blame him for everything and make him miserable.
Heat is still around Lighter. They're promising a cool down but I'm not seeing my "comfort zone" in sight yet. We finally got a good rain last night and the resulting humidity is "different". LOL. Studio progress is happening again - I'm in the midst of deciphering how to put my sewing cabinet together - and have to back up 4-5 steps and reverse one panel. Also have to patiently correct an issue on the hydraulic machine lift. My storage cabinets will be done next week, then he'll bring them out. We've got to finish the baseboard on that side before then and Hol has been going bonkers with projects at her place.
Contractor will be out next week to finish her equipment shed & the gate opener; her friend is here helping her terrace her back hill, so it's plantable and stable - usable dirt in other words. (He's an absolute blast to be around too.) So I should have plenty of alone time to get stuff done in studio. When the cabs are here, I can FINALLY put all my "junk" away. We're getting down to phase 2 pretty quick - demo'ing the bathroom. Then I'll be able to work this winter out there. I'll concentrate on garden NEXT year. The conditions were just too insurmountable this year. Fingers crossed my herbs make it.
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You've had big projects going nonstop, Amber. As you finish up, one after er another, time will expand for gardening and time in the studio.
I keep thinking the same will happen for me....and it will. There's so many wee small things requiring attention and I couldn't see them till the larger projects were finished.
So many small things. They add up to another big thing and will there ever not be a list?
I'm contemplating the lists, what's mine, what's important and what I'd rather pick up. What do I have to put down in order to....
have order and more choice?
Lighter
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Not much progress to report. B is still away for a few more weeks - unless he just can't stand it anymore and decides to come home and with what's waiting for him here (two jeeps to maintain, 4 wheelers to rebuild, etc projects). Hol & I, mostly Hol... have managed to knock a few more "little pieces" off the studio list. One last one to complete - window trim is up; needs caulked, primed, painted.
Boys successfully made it home in their new truck, at least one is working and we've pointed the other in a couple directions. Instead of moving states away from home, they are contemplating moving to a bigger city a few hours away.
We had a torrential storm, the day before they all left. Washed out the new pad, under the equipment shed contractor had built (and hasn't finished)... because when contractor graded driveway, he didn't include drainage ditch on upside of Hol's driveway. Fortunately, her friends were here with equipment who jumped to, as the rain was ending and helped that situation out. Contractor is STILL messing about trying to get her solar-powered gate opener installed. I feel more confident in the electrician's ability to finish this. It's been going on, 3 months now. <rolleyes> I understand he's really busy but he kept promising "next week" until we just rolled our eyes & ignored him. I even got involved, when he kept blowing Hol's questions off.
Still waiting on delivery of my commissioned work cabinets. I understand his day job has picked up a little but they're almost done... and I can't put things away or organize until they're here.
Seems S is now completely out of the picture. There have been some housekeeping details to finish up. But that's done, and she seems to be enjoy seeing C and spending time with him. He's renovating a house nearby, and she's looking forward to helping him. Then, they're planning some extensive travel together. I'm not sure how that's going to work with the dogs... and maybe it'll never happen. Don't know right now. But, she IS getting her social appetite satiated with getting out more & seeing/helping friends and having them over. I think she's planning to move her studio out to the garage... and then rearrange her house a little better to suit herself.
Contractor friend is highly interested in her, too. But respects boundaries. I like him a LOT and he is a good counter to her and her big ego.
I've been enjoying as much "quiet time" as I can, because I know fall is almost here and B will be back, and Hol's social meter pegs out at the top end then, too. B and I have lots of projects to work on by ourselves. Neither of us likes Hol's dive in and just get it done - all the while bossing everyone around - work attitude. We move slower and more deliberately, easier.
B is hitting more obstacles in the process of trying to get approval for the stimulator lead change. They're having a 3rd party medical "advisor" weigh in on whether this is medically "necessary".... so B's filed a grievance. And the insurance people even required him to get notarized "proof of identity" - even though he's had an open case number with them since '94!! <rolleyes>
It's almost time to think about bringing plants in, and getting snow shovels out... and I still have 3 comfrey plants to get outside. Might do that while we have plenty of rain in the forecast. I think last year's planting was about this time, too. Miraculously, it appears most of the herbs survived the drought.
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OH... and the stimulator has been causing problems for him, and has been bumblingly "in process" now, since the spring. Meanwhile, I'm doing what I can with herbs to help with the muscle spasms/pain. I still need to order some teasel root.
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Glad your herbs are hanging in. One of our peach trees was torn apart ...deer? Human? Not sure what did the damage, but likely it won't survive.
I'm sending motivation vibes to B's care team and hoping they dial his needs in soon.
Lighter
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It's been feast or famine, this growing year - things are combining meteorogically in the worst way for plants. We had frost through May, my seeds didn't germinate until it warmed up in mid-June - when it stopped raining regularly and at the end of August, the deluges began. Now, the temps are resembling what usually happens late October/November around here.
Veggie garden was a complete waste this year. I only had time to get a few things in before the sauna started. B did his part to help but I need a weed solution that actually works. I might try paper mulch/straw next year. Hol keeps insisting I need raised beds - but I DON'T; I just need to be able to withstand brutal sun and 90 degree temps... and be less attractive to bugs. However, I might consider building a couple for certain specific things that deer find exceptionally tasty.
The herbs bounced back with some rain. I even got soapwort to take/survive this year. The feverfew is doing well and seems to help B's recurring meningitis symptoms (especially the headache; migraine sufferers use this a good bit). A simple tea, is all that's required. I have more valerian now, echinecea, the boneset is doing well; so is the skullcap. The horehound & hyssop are established; one plot of artemisia survived. And I keep killing my chamomile. Lemon balm (a mint), of all things is struggling. At my other homestead, it turned invasive and I had to pull it like weeds. Lavender is struggling too.
It's going to take YEARS of adding topsoil and amending the soil in the herb garden to get it "right". But that's OK. I just put in some more comfrey; Hol's are grown into bushes now. I'll need to cut the lower branches of the trees in that area again. I think it's a bit too shady for some herbs. But I'll let the leaves fall where they drop, for winter mulch and leaf mould. Next year, an all purpose organic fertilizer goes into the dirt. Mother nature is managing a small field's worth of mullein for me. I must have 20-30 plants coming on for next spring.
Somehow, the remaining geese have found out they can swim under a section of fence where it crosses a corner of the pond. We've put boards across there... nothing works. And they can't find their way back in. Hol isn't feeding them regularly, either. So they've been free ranging. A couple days ago I found them half way down the road to the highway. Maybe they'll move to a neighbor's pond or join the roadkill brigade. Seems a shame to waste meat... and they could definitely be harvested; I think these are the oldest of the flock. Something has killed/eaten all the other ones and the ducks/chickens. S and Hol, simply don't care right now.
S is still considered a friend by Hol. Which is a handicap to her, in ways she doesn't realize yet. She IS definitely moving on past that time, tho. C is still around a good bit. Her friend who does land development has been here a lot lately, and bringing a model-worthy friend/helper with him... they're both adoring fans of Hol. After the first torrential rainfall, at the end of the day, they jumped back on equipment to minimize water damage and save the backhoe. The pad under the equipmment shed the contractor started in June washed out badly; he did send someone to fix it - and the next 2 storms like that washed it again. They've been saying for a month they'll be out to finish the fence/gate and put the sides on the equipment shed... so when he texted me, that they'd be here Thursday I asked him, "which Thursday?". Two-three months seems a long long time to wait on some simple small jobs. The work he did on the driveway in the spring held up OK, but he didn't do the drainage that Hol had talked about... which her friend has corrected.
This year has taught Hol we need more people out here to throw in, in certain situations. She can't do it all herself has sunk in loud & clear. There is a lot of brainstorming going on about this right now and I'm hoping that this week - if her friend & maybe Cowboy come out - and B is here (he gets in this evening) - we can all sit around and talk it through. She's working 3 days a week for our local butcher - finally. She's been applying for a couple of years. She wants to learn to butcher; and all their meat is locally sourced. And primarily she's there to network - other producers and craftspeople. Make local friends and participate in mutual assistance on projects as needed. (Which is directly from the Amish/Mennonite community model.)
The studio work is down to the last bits. Still waiting on cabinets - the door pulls (sliding doors) of all things are the main hold up now.
B's trip isn't how we'd expected it to go. No med appts; no progress on approvals to test a change in stimulator lead locations. So it MAY be a short visit. He does have to be back in December though, so will be here for Yule. Or maybe he'll stay through the fall. We haven't really talked much while he was gone this time. He was doing a lot of work on his place there. So we'll see what he has to say. We've got work to do organizing studio garage and his shop to make room for the rest of his tools.
It's been nice having 2 months "off" between visits this time. Hol is busier now so we don't hang out as much. I've gotten my easy solitude back. I'm less frantic as a result; as compared to trying to keep up with everyone else. This weekend - just before another big storm - I walked out on the porch and heard "kitty distress crying". Hol had just brought the mail up and ran recon/rescue while I found a box. We got two solid gray kittens; siblings; that are only about 6 weeks old closed into my bathroom. Someone must've dumped them because they can be handled - and one is downright lovey and a big purr - and they use the litter box easily. They wolfed down a small bit of milk and I soaked kitty crunchies in milk which they also ate. So the next morning I got milk replacer & kitten chow. I can't even take them to a shelter yet; they were exhausted & hungry (not starving) and literally just a handful sized.
Mr. Feisty and Ms. Demure have realized they don't need to worry if more food is showing up on a regular basis. They've started playing with toys and wrestling each other. So gaining strength and starting to thrive again. A couple more weeks and perhaps we can find a home for them.
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News! 3rd party doc basically told insurance people they were idiots and to immediately approve the lead test on the stimulator. Of course, appt won't be scheduled until pain mgmt docs get the paperwork... in the meantime, surgeon approved an Rx for breakthrough pain as the controller for the morphine pump hasn't been holding a charge well... and that company is out of business, there are no parts, charging cables, or representatives anymore and B was told that the purchaser won't have new products for two years.
How many months has he waited for approval? I know the problem started in June/July... then, the wild goose chase of eliminating other possibilities causing the side effects... and while the test only lasts a week, that's plenty of time to determine if a new lead location causes the reaction. Then we wait AGAIN for approval for the actual surgery which requires travel into DC again. Fingers crossed that can happen before the end of the year. And even if that if all expedited, as I recall - when it was operating OK without side effects - he STILL had days he was in agony. So hopefully, the pain Rx, in combination with everything else - will be enough.
Lighter, I hope you're fareing OK, with your gaggle of friends & family. Sounds like the usual crews of good old boys are working hard to make roads as passable as they can. They're good at that! And supplies are starting to get through. Tho I hear that's been a struggle. Some isolated farms are OK, overall. They'll manage till services start coming back. They're not going to shelters - which I understand. Those places can be a mess to endure. But so many have lost almost everything - including their homes & vehicles - and they NEED the shelter until some other options open up for them. Those are the people who need prayers the most and a hand up, too.
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So very very good to hear that B's situation has been restarted and is moving in a much better direction. Iow, WOO HOO! Poor man deserves the consideration and thank god for that 3rd doctor who actually cared about his pain. Some medicos are surviving the attacks from certain directions on medical among other professionals.
That's just really good news; ethics do survive.
The higher mountain communities are SO cut off right now in WNC. I'm wrung by the elderly who live solo, or the disabled, etc. Strong people with resources may find sunshine soon, but having lived and worked in Appalachia (KY), I struggle to believe those folks in more isolated hollers in WNC will not suffer double what any city or near-affected-city dwellers have yet to go through.
It's a sad, sad thing. And more sadly, there will be more. We're (cultural "we") just not ready for the consequences of our consuming priorities, decisions, ignorance, greed, entitlement and apathy.
Chins up, I hope--
Hops
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From what I'm gleaning, I see a whole lot of healthy defiance to the message that people should just give up and become dependent on charity for the rest of their lives. Yeah, survival without modern conveniences is a lot of hard manual labor. Absolutely a fact.
But that's where the "neighbors helping neighbors" culture kicks in and everyone benefits. It's one reason I was mostly comfortable in the south. Same thing is true in Amish/Mennonite communities. I'm sure the Mennonite missions have already dropped & shipped their donations. Walmart sent over 40 truckloads into the area; Dolly Parton, Elon Musk, Trump & others are giving huge monetary contributions and free starlink dishes for communications.
But what people DON'T quite accept yet, is that a very large percentage of the numbers "missing" are likely dead, from the initial storm and that many of the bodies will not be found for a long time (and may not be identifiable). Not a lot of media attention on that right now, which is probably a good thing to keep people's morale up.
I do see a LOT of farm/homesteaders channels from the area assessing damage and livestock impacts; there are SOME, but nothing terribly dangerous or significant enough to bankrupt them. People who live this way do have generators to keep lights on and food cold; they have solar power backups (or other means) to run well pumps; they have septic tanks... so the sanitary situation is better than in suburban or city communities.
Fingers crossed they'll finally reach some more isolated places and find people "making do" with what they have.
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Hi, Hops. Things feel pretty surreal in WNC right now. When I left the first time it felt like passing through a membrane between safe and unsafe. Cash only transactions reminding me zero lines at gas pumps and grocery stores shouldn't let me feeeel all is well.....bc it's not. Won't be for a long time, if ever. It's bigger than anyone can wrap their mind around. So much destruction, devastation and loss.
When we come together around meals.... it's common for everyone to share something difficult to process. Usually one story from the news....fast water rescues are particularly scary. And mudslides.
We're just 4 in the lake house now. Should be 7 next week.
Another hummingbird just buzzed in....got chased away by the chirping green female. I need to refill the bird feeder with seed.
Our guests stayed downstairs recently....a break allowing my girls/me and the new bf to interact privately..... we're just meeting this "new boy.". BF is funny, polite, helpful and wants to be liked and approved of. So far, so good. Yesterday morning he and DD24 cleaned breakfast dishes, dropped pug at vet and took garbage to transfer station on way out of town....very helpful.
I think services will be restored in our area soon .....the downed trees and power lines were the worst of it.
I'll be looking to bring back more clothing items this next trip.
I've heard pack miles are bringing help to more cut off areas. The private choppers are delivering to fire stations. I know neighbors are banning together and 2 of my friends are delivering supplies to elderly and handicapped individuals 7 hours a day for Beloved charity.
Amber: Glad to read progress on B's medical situation. Finding a healthcare caring/competent professional willing to become upset on B's behalf will change trajectory, it's hoped. I'll pray it does.
Lighter
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Skep, I'm very, very glad to read that 'someone' has finally employed a bit of common sense where B's healthcare is concerned and got things moving. I hope there is some momentum now and some way of finding a workable way forward that is manageable for him and might mean not having these constant battles to deal with. Very sorry that the family home was destroyed, though, and hope all their loved ones are accounted for x
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B spoke with his sister (in Black Mountain). It's NOT true family place was levelled; it still stands. Sis's house has 1 tree down. And people there are doing what they've always done: working together to make it better for everyone.
Lighter, I suggest you pack some sweaters and jackets; temps are supposed to turn chilly - especially in the evenings.
Tupp, We're hoping things are moving in the right direction expeditiously. Hopefully, this works afterwards to minimize the number of days he feels like he was beaten with an axe handle. This morning, it's a headache. After he's had enough coffee to get his brain in gear, I'll hand him a shot of nerve tonic and feverfew tea. He did take one of the oral painkillers yesterday - at noon; is waiting for noon to take another. We're throwing everything we can at keeping him functional. But he's ALSO got to realize that at 67, he really can't expect to do as much as fast as he did at 40. Sure, push to keep doing what you can... but also accept that some days, you just CAN'T.
When I have energy, I hit my priorities and anything lightweight, extra I can manage. Some days I'm just drained and accept that i have to rest. We ran everyday last week with parts pickups and appt. and shopping. That wears me out. But Debbie's coming for a long weekend (birthday weekend, too!) so, freshen up the guest room and tidy the studio time. Set up & prep meals. My work cabinets might finally get delivered next week, or weekend too. Then we can finally start arranging that room.
Hol worked 5 days last week, covering for a vacation. Her new BF has kind of disappointed her, by bringing his own emotional work to her house and dumping it on her; accusing/blaming her for things that she's not responsible for. So, she's hit the rutabaga stage of veggie-hood too. They've been talking about that; talking it through. So, it's still a workable situation. So far. I'm seeing a whole lot of "applied learning" from Hol right now, in that she learned some huge lessons dealing with S and those lessons are being put to use now. She's enjoying new job but it's also cutting into how much she can do around here... and she may not really like that in the long run. So, improvise, adapt & adjust going on forward, one foot at a time.
Speaking of which, I need to start motivating a bit more this morning. Baby kitties need more food and a box cleanup and I need to work in Debbie's room this morning; back to studio this afternoon - maybe burn cardboard this afternoon. We've found a no kill shelter for the kitties and I'll feel comfortable with their condition next week. Little buggers are full of piss & vinegar and my 5x6 bathroom is a bit small of a space for them to tire themselves out. I tried expanding that to the bedroom - but I won't do that again. Getting up & down off the floor is exhausting.
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I think accepting we can't do what we used to is hard, I expect more so for someone like B who's used to doing so much and being so capable. But yep, we all need to learn to rest when we need to and pace ourselves a bit more. Hopefully all the different strands - the bits you provide, the bits the docs do and B's own resilience - will make something that works in a better way now. It's blooming hard going. We've had quite a big reshuffle here of what we do and how. It just wasn't working and I felt like I was working myself into an early grave. Son has been very mature and understanding of it all; we'll still do the things he likes, but at different times and with different people. One of the groups he attends is really badly run and the extra work I have to do to accommodate their inefficiency has really been bugging me. So we've knocked that one on the head and found a different activity to do. He's been fine about it. I'm hoping the path is easier for us now, and for you and B :) And I want all the baby kitties :) Lol x
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Son?
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OOOOO....
how do I ship baby kitties to Scotland?
I'd be happy to do so, because they'd be so well cared for. They're VERY good kitties. Even so young. And I don't want to take them to a shelter - even a no kill one - because they might be separated. (yes, they've worked their magic on me and I'm their servant.)
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Aw, Skep, I wouldn't be able to take them, as much as I'd want to! Just not practical in our current situation. One day I will go full on cat lady and have an army of them :) Lol x
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Yeah, I understand! Even the rescues are full up. I might try putting up some posters around here. But they are outgrowing the bathroom by the day. This morning was wall to wall chase, wrestle & jump... so I either sacrifice the bedroom from the big kitties or just take them to any old shelter & pray for them. SIGH.
And we will probably make a fire in the stove this evening. Frost predicted tonight.
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Unbelievable. Papers sent and lost or not sent at all for B? Maddening.
I don't know how you couldn't be numb, because you've both probably run out of fury. I guess it's resignation now. Or is Dr. Third going to go at the logjam for B?
I was very sorry to see that.
hugs
Hops
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Well, Hops... B dug out his copy of the approval letter. I read through it, and caught the tiny bit that requires the insurance contact in the doc's office to go online and request a BILLING approval. SIGH.
I think there's a whole office of people looking for every single way they can make a process more cumbersome and complicated; more insane (IMO).
B did finally hear back from the last number he called (Dept of Labor, in DC). They told him he can go log in online and print out the whole letter himself, so we're going to do that today. Then I will mark up the relevant instruction in yellow highlighter and red pen for the person responsible for this task. And MAYBE by the end of the week, he'll have an appt for the test. We're going to drive it to doc's office Monday, and explain what they need to do in small words, spoken very slowly. LOLOL.
Assuming the stimulator works as designed with the leads in a different location, then the actual surgery to move those leads will start the whole approval - wait - wait - wait cycle all over again. They can't just make it simple and consider the actual surgery approved, if test is successful.
SIGH.
On a positive note, we voted early yesterday and I was impressed with the new machines that print a paper ballot with your choices clearly marked on it, then it's scanned into a counter. Line wasn't terribly long (but it was steady) and the people were very pleasant.
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Lord, Amber ....I can't believe how much B can take. He's a tough guy. Do you think he'll ever lose hope the system will work? 🤞
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OH, he lost hope a long time ago. Now, he's determined to overcome the system regardless the odds/consequences. IE, get them to do their jobs. Yeah, he's tired of fighting - but we both know what his quality of life is going to be like - without these devices delivering constant pain relief (in small doses).
But considering all he's faced already, he keeps pretty positive in attitude (most days). His sense of humor is dark & twisted, as befits an old soldier... but then, so is mine.
I am going to quietly (read: surreptitiously) try to research for other docs - elsewhere. Yeah, it means travel and yeah, he can't travel long the first week after a surgery. I just want to have one more option, if this gets to the "fire the doc" point.
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Following every word, every excruciating turn of the gears...but relieved the gears freeze (at least for now) is over.
Ai yi yi.
I do love thinking of you and B trading dark sardonic laughs at the absurdity of the process. On the days you don't feel the fury. A nice balance.
A sick sense of humor is sometimes the only light to keep one on the path!
huuuuugs
Hops
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Problem resolved; appt in a few weeks for the lead test. They traded out his case worker/liason and new one didn't have a clue what she was doing or what her job description included. A call to DC/DOLabor fixed that. All she had to do was call the doc's office & explain to insurance person what the approval code was and where it was located on the letter they sent 10/2.
I am mentally exhausted. Between trying to help B figure out what to do with his situation and Hol's usual level of drama (which is happily going away; she couldn't sustain it either) and various other parties... I feel steamrolled simply from the overstimulation of OPPs. And I don't know if I can change that, ya know?
It feels like I "should" be able to feel fine, and not be affected by what is going on around me - but it DOES involve me adjusting my schedule/activities to accommodate other's needs. None of it requires major effort or input; just that I'm really feeling out of balance in self-directed attention to MY "to-do's" and doing for others. Even had a message from sub-conconcious in a dream about saying DIRECTLY and BLUNTLY what I needed and letting the chips fall where they may.
And the results of me being so "other oriented" with my attention came home to roost yesterday, when I couldn't find the registration card for a jeep on the last day to get it inspected. Easily rectified in the local tax office but when I tried to leave to go do that, the dang jeep wouldn't start!!!! (Not Rudi; it was Fenris; fortunately we were at the shop) But, when I got back, he took a look at brakes, and we need to swap pads on those. I remarked the day before (day long road trip for errands outside our usual territory) that the brakes felt soft. Fenris hasn't been driven much because B needs to fix a few things (that he hasn't gotten done while fixing OTHER things). We needed him the day before because cargo space was bigger; I was picking up a half of a cow in frozen meat for the winter.
I have not called the shop's new president for probably 4 months because I simply haven't had the time to have anything but the briefest conversation. Hoping to correct that today.
And I still have baby kitties!! Feisty one is getting named Luuuuuccyyyyy... LOL. Still working on a name for the shy one; might be Violet. I'm not looking forward to the mayhem that will ensue after introducing the girls to my 3 big boys. Still hoping someone needs barn cats... they're weaning themselves from formula now. They only get a bowl to share at night and are starting to leave a little in the bowl. They are good & lovey kitties - but they ARE still kittens.
I desperately need things to S L O W the hell down. At least I'm sleeping good, but I had to put my foot down and say I was NOT getting in a vehicle today, no way no how. I think I'll research just WHAT I can do with the two extremly large beef briskets I ordered... and that have totally filled all my freezer space. I'm thinking BBQ brisket, which once it's cooked and pulled, I can freeze. We'll have to do it on the grill - it's too big even for my oven!! Texas sized, I guess it is.
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I'm glad something is moving forward with B's situation, Skep, however slowly. I completely sympathise with the mental overload situation. I have just this week decided to distance myself from friends who are constantly in a state of 'something' because it makes me so tired it impacts on what I want to get done for myself. So I do get it and I hope there is a period of peace coming your way. The beef sounds like a good problem to solve lol
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Exhausted, steamrolled, out of balance, desperate.
That'll do it, ((((Amber)))). I wonder if you fear saying what you need because it might result in a blowup or resistance with Hol or B? Or a feeling of guilt that you're not carrying the ENTIRE home world on your shoulders? (NTM business.)
Ai yi yi, you. I think you can speak up calmly and matter of factly about being presently burned out, so you're taking a day/week/month to do absolutely nothing extra or that you don't want to do. Or I hope so. No anger or self defense needed. (I'm guessing about how you might be feeling, forgive likely cluelessness....)
You're at the wheel of a very large and complicated steamship. But every good captain has to say "take the wheel" or change navigation regularly. It won't capsize.
hugs
Hops
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It comes & goes Hops. Usually the overwhelm doesn't last long. This week is better; calmer.
I solved my propane company issue. I have a buried tank that's leaking and Amerigas has been frittering away time since APRIL, about getting it fixed. So I signed up with a more local company. They'll be out next week to fix it (hopefully). Then I'll cancel the first company & let the new guys fill it. That's one thing off the list.
Studio is "done enough" that I can start working on my historical fashion project (a chemise)... and that will let me get the rest of my studio arranged & organized too.
New kitties are big enough to get first shots & flea/tick medicine... Lucy & Pickles are taking over the bedroom and got a guided tour of the rest of this floor yesterday. Next spring, they'll go into training to be indoor/outdoor kitties. Stinkers had to be rescued from his own orneriness: he'd tormented a skunk that was getting set to spray him. Stinks is now the biggest kitty; the one the vet said would "never be able to be outside" & I should just put him down. HA! Stinks climbs trees.
B's appts are set and nothing much to do between now and then; we'll run into town to do his labs.
Hol is settling into her part-time job & planning a mega-vacation for her birthday - Hawaii to visit friends who moved there and a week in Japan.
We picked up the half a cow and have managed to squeeze it all into freezers. It's GOOD beef. I haven't tried the sausage yet. Still clearing out a lot of junk from studio redo & waiting for the wind to die down enough to burn the mega amounts of cardboard. Then I have house projects to get back to.
Really wanting to settle into Rip Van Winkle time... by 7 oclock, it's full dark and feels like 10:30!! But getting awake at 5:30 then I have to wait for the sun to come up. It doesn't get over the ridge till 8 or so. The new seed catalogs should start arriving later this month, and I'll need another location to put them in or get some warming mats to go with my grow lights.
And I need to water & trim back my herbs in the next week or so.
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Amber, the memory of growing seeds and gardens seems so far away. Like an entire world away. I'm surprised you're diving back in, but glad you can.
Continued prayers for B's health care journey 🙏
Lighter
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A lot of the market farms start tomatoes the week after Christmas, Lighter. The start seedlings indoors then transplant into heated high tunnels.
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My indoor winter gardening goal is to not murder the cyclamen.
It really is a very forgiving plant but deserves a bigger pot.
And the blooms amaze me!
hugs
Hops
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I'm overwintering two porch geraniums, Hops. Bright red is cheery inside this time of year. And I finally got parsley to thrive in a pot, too. So good to have fresh for chicken & dumplins!
Speaking of which, I need to make preps for dinner plans. (Whatever that turns out to be.)
Slow day today. Which suits me fine. End of the week gets a little busy again. Not sure what all I might get up to, today. Might depend on what Hol's situation is. Her friend C has been here, working on computer stuff again. Cooking for her, too. She goes for the 2nd half of dental surgery mid-week, so C might hang around to pamper her again. In which case, I don't have to dogsit for a day. New propane company will come fix my leaky tank, and hopefully fill it; and then B has to run in for labs for the stimulator lead test, the following week. I need to check in at the shop; I've been AWOL for months now - just no brain space for it. Instead, my Bro has been stopping by more frequently. But things are going well there, under new Prez. I'll need to talk to the older one, to see how he's adjusting too.
I soon have to give the kittens even more space to terrorize; they're outgrowing the bedroom too. They need to run & play & explore & make peace with the 3 big boys. There is a definite pecking order between the boys and Freddie remains firmly in charge despite Stinks becoming the biggest cat. No idea how they'll react to have two little girls around... and they'll need shots soon and prep for their spay.
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Ooo, good reminder! I love the smell of geraniums.
Sounds like you are back in gear, true Amazons.
Hope you've shifted down ONE gear, though, just
to keep well.
Swirling world.
hugs (and dental sympathies to Hol),
Hops
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I find just naming the thing I'm struggling with, shortens it's duration (most of the time). Yeah, the winds still swirl & buffet - but I don't have to succumb to it. Make some personal choices, find some quiet time, tackle one task to the end... the toolbox to handle it, is varied. Sometimes, I just escape into a book or movie - but I don't beat myself up over it. That's just shifting from active mode to passive - and it does provide some actual rest.
It all works. I seriously need my hermit time. I don't feel like I'm missing out socially.
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Fingers & toes crosses, candles lit, a few pulses of good thoughts throughout the day would be most appreciated! This morning is B's change of stimulator leads location. If we make it a week without side effects, the actual change may be approved/ordered/etc.
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Well, that didn't go well at all. After 90 minutes I had to leave the building for fresh air. On my way back in, B was wobbling out with a name of orthopedic surgeon he was getting referred to. Has a couple bandages where doc TRIED to cut thru the scar tissue. Not possible for him.
Ortho surgeon is way the hell in Manassas/Fredericksburg. Has a good reputation but I despise that area and no longer drive into that mess. There are closer docs in WMC in the city over the mountain. I'll be calling them first, with a stack o' questions about insurance and first available appt for a consult as we explain the situation. Maybe today - but I have a new propane company here (local guys) fixing my leaky tank. If not, then Monday.
B was asleep by 2; and basically slept till some time on Wed. Whatever sedative they gave him didn't sit well. Followed by the usual migraine. So we're discussing next steps. He's in a better mood today and I made comfort food last night.
Might have more friends around Thanksgiving week. The excavator friend of Hol's who's been here a lot recently got custody of his son via a CPS investigation of his ex-wife. Logan is 5. Been through a LOT already. Friend will want to work, and Hol & I will entertain the little boy. And of course, B is around. So menu is on my mind, including baking. Bread & cookies, as well as pies. They won't be visiting family, as far as we've heard to date. And it's still possible Amy's young men - my grandsons - could arrive for a visit too. Good chance to get one of those briskets cut up & cooked.
Dreamed it had snowed, too.
SO life is just a combo of everything these days.
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Well, that didn't go well at all. After 90 minutes I had to leave the building for fresh air. On my way back in, B was wobbling out with a name of orthopedic surgeon he was getting referred to. Has a couple bandages where doc TRIED to cut thru the scar tissue. Not possible for him.
Ortho surgeon is way the hell in Manassas/Fredericksburg. Has a good reputation but I despise that area and no longer drive into that mess. There are closer docs in WMC in the city over the mountain. I'll be calling them first, with a stack o' questions about insurance and first available appt for a consult as we explain the situation. Maybe today - but I have a new propane company here (local guys) fixing my leaky tank. If not, then Monday.
B was asleep by 2; and basically slept till some time on Wed. Whatever sedative they gave him didn't sit well. Followed by the usual migraine. So we're discussing next steps. He's in a better mood today and I made comfort food last night.
Might have more friends around Thanksgiving week. The excavator friend of Hol's who's been here a lot recently got custody of his son via a CPS investigation of his ex-wife. Logan is 5. Been through a LOT already. Friend will want to work, and Hol & I will entertain the little boy. And of course, B is around. So menu is on my mind, including baking. Bread & cookies, as well as pies. They won't be visiting family, as far as we've heard to date. And it's still possible Amy's young men - my grandsons - could arrive for a visit too. Good chance to get one of those briskets cut up & cooked.
Dreamed it had snowed, too.
SO life is just a combo of everything these days.
Skep, I'm so sorry you've had yet another set back with this. It's so dispiriting and debilitating, you must both be exhausted from it all, not least from having to keep coming up with a new plan each time. I hope there is a doctor closer to home, the stress of travelling to places that are either further away or a nightmare to get to (or both!) just adds to the frustration. I'm frustrated for you, although glad for B that he has you there for him. Must be a comfort to him not to have to do this alone, although exhausting for you to keep managing it all on top of everything else. He sounds like he's worth it, though :)
I hope your Thanksgiving week is a good one. Kind of need Holly to date a surgeon or something, that might help ;) Kidding, of course, but it would be nice if something just happened and even if an absolute solution wasn't perfect, at least when the situation is stable you can build your coping strategies around it and make it part of day to day life, instead of having the constant disruption all the time x
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Thanks Tupp. It is a lot to deal with and it's way better that he has me to help, now. His mindset always reverts back to past (horrific) experiences... and I can be more objective.
As a consolation, he had a late lunch of liver & onions yesterday and ordered another plate to-go for today.
What I really wish, is that there was a better understanding of the neuro differences that cause pain to be felt subjectively... and better pain palliatives to match that subjectivity. (I don't want much but the moon, ya know?)
Today's challenge is researching Hol's off grid solar system. Her genny was on/off every 10 mins last night because yesterday was so overcast. Thinks she needs new batteries.
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I'm so sorry roadblocks consistently require detour after detour and off road roughing it, for B, Amber.🥺
Lighter
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We're back in hurry up & wait mode again.
Since the referral to the doc in Manassas, we've been trying to get that doc the information from Dr. Lee he needs. Last call, B was told the information contradicts itself 3 times and didn't even list the stimulator manufacturer or model.
B has good days and bad days; but most days he's moving slow and isn't pain-free enough to power through the bigger work. Hol isn't much help because she's STILL be strung along by contractor who doesn't show up and she's leaving for most of January with C, to visit friends in Hawaii and then a week in Japan.
Little kitties had their first shots; healthy little beasties. Pickles is a love bug and likes to snuggle - when she's not playing with Lucy or Stinkers - who's accepted the girls better than I thought he would. Freddie is still playing old curmedgeon and doesn't want to have anything to do with them. Jack doesn't care; he's "just Jack".
Kitchen wench wore herself out enough at Thanksgiving that I'm only baking a couple kinds of cookies for Christmas, but I MIGHT throw in a batch of biscotti - they'll hold till March. It was fun and C came up with Hol for dinner and to watch ancient episodes of the Twilight Zone and was comfy. Unlike all those years, after which S still wouldn't speak more than a word or two to me, even AFTER living in my house for two years while the hut was being built.
Hol & C demo'd the studio bathroom one day on a whim. Still a couple 2x4s to knock out, then move plumbing and new subfloor, vinyl planks, sheetrock & paint/trim. So the studio is mostly done - working out the final arrangement, because to unfold the sewing cabinet I need a good bit of space. B and I will work on that while Hol is gone. So we can do that at our pace without her trying to run the whole show.
Plan to contact my first contractor in January, about an addition on the back of the house, which will contain an elevator (to exit in dining room french door). I've talked about it for awhile - and Hol is harping it on it these days - and because everything is taking longer and costing twice as much so I'd rather have it done sooner, while we don't REALLY need one. It'll definitely make grocery day easier! And the addition will be like an airlock overlooking the cliff which is the direction the wind comes from in the winter, usually. Windows, of course, so it can function as a seed starting greenhouse too. Maybe summer kitchen...
This is "long winter nap" season and when my ideas germinate into "action plans". I'm hoping to get B's participation and ideas incorporated this year. Some small decorating projects around the house - nothing major but hopefully more organization and floor space. Studio garage & shop need attention too - so we can have functional spaces again, in the downstairs (like my half a garage pantry & radio shack/office). He'll have the heated/ac garage at the studio for some of his creative work... get him the rest of the way moved... indulge our quirky style of art...
and I'll probably redesign the garden this winter, to something more manageable.
The place is coming along. This is year 8. Apart from our spaces - I'm going to let Hol take the lead on what else goes on, I think. The remaining geese are set to be slaughtered. B is talking goats; Hol is talking pigs and a cow. We'll see what direction all this goes in.
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How big an elevator are you thinking?
Good work pushing through the bathroom with Hol.
Sending unending prayers for B's medical situation.
And....
vote goats🤚
Lighter
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(((((Amber))))) & ((((B)))) --
Oh I am so glad you're putting in an elevator. On the board of this nonprofit that helps people (town and outer one-mile ring) "age in place" -- I can imagine how different the whole prospect is for people who live "steep" on a mountainside... such a good decision.
I'm happy you can do it, thus extending your life where you like to be by years, I'm sure. Bravo!
I hear the poignancy of B's complicated aging, too. And glad for Hol that a better companion's in the picture.
Big hopes for all you, dear.
hugs
Hops
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Thanks all!
Hope y'all have fabulous holidays!
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Now that the calender has finished rebooting...
Here's hoping it resolves a lot of the persistent glitches of last year!
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HNY, Amber and all!
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I feel so bad for B with this constant ongoing (and unnecessary) drama and delay and obfuscation with regard to his medical situation. Even basic admin not being done properly, we get a lot of that as well, the last doc we saw was dictating a letter while we were sat in front of him and made a mistake with a date. I corrected him and he just shrugged and carried on. They're so slack. Well I'll hope for a 2025 miracle on the medical front.
In other news, I am hoping the external elevator is in the form of a Tardis and that the kitties all get to ride in it wearing little scarves :) Lol
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I feel for you both. Few weeks ago I mentioned to the cardiologist that, as usual, I prefer to be very conservative with number of prescribed drugs and dosages. Reminded him gently that my initial 3-dose/day of isisorbide had taken my BP down to 60/40 At the rehab gym, and he said three? That couldn't be, and went into a whole thing casting doubt on the accuracy of the staff's readings....though they'd taken it three times and sent me home, as I did feel faint. He said 60/40 isn't compatible with life outside an ICU, and I just thought to myself well, you over-prescribed and it was dangerous for me since as I told you, my BP always runs low....
I think he was beginning to hear me or a trickle was getting through. But that's why I can so easily imagine how maddening its been for you and B. We have to fight so persistently to get through and be taken seriously. And poor B, to have not only the mental stress of the medical and insurance bureaucracies but the constant nagging and serious pain....I don't know how he manages.
And that you manage your own stresses and health at the same time is really something, Amber. I hope itll all get easier in some ways this year.
Hugs
Hops
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So...
I think I got Dr. Lee's attention. Told him it was Dec '23, when we had no choice but to turn the stimulator OFF. And in Jan. '24, the bolus controller (that delivers extra doses from the morphine pump) started acting up... and now needs to be replaced. B called the company support number that I found online, a new number, because the company has been sold... <rolleyes> and was told he needed a prescription from Dr. Lee to be able to BUY a new controller. Cool, he wrote it on the spot. When B called back, to ask how much and where to send the Rx, he was told Dr. Lee needed to buy it and then, B reimburses him. So: another month's time wasted on idiotic processes and poor communication.
All Lee could suggest was upping his oral painkiller dose - which isn't all that effective, but does help a little - for the time being.
As to the CTscan Lee ordered last month, I had to ask - what happens now? I understand the ortho surgeon needed recent imaging but will he call us or do we need to make an appt? We need to call for the appt. But, B sold a piece of property that is going to closing tomorrow... and being unfamiliar with the whole process is constantly upset by the realtor or lawyer's tone... scared to death of getting screwed by the boilerplate legalese that this state requires. So, the new Dr. appt has to wait till we get past closing.
Meanwhile, I have to get a jeep inspected. It's only going to be 25 degrees today. (We've plowed snow and had to troubleshoot Hol's solar & propane while she's gone.)
Hol & C are in Japan now; across the date line so it's Wed for me, today and Thursday for her. This week's housesitter is a contractor friend of hers. He's got Knuckles & Kiri down there, with him. So that's a little break for us. Next week, it's S and I'll have Knuckles again. They'll be back in country on the 26th.
I had texted her about the appt situation, which being horrible urban driving requires her to drive. It's also a couple hours away, at least. She told me they're already planning a trip the middle of next month!!! So, as to not freak her out while she's on vacation, I haven't said anything else about this. But I am NOT a live-in dog/house sitter for her... and resent being TOLD I have to hold down the fort, when we have our own things to do. Like finish B's move up here. And this week's housesitter has the ability to help him get moved. Given it's winter, he could use the work. (He has his own fraught life too; lots of irons in fires; so trying to pin down B on timing, and contractor's availaility... sigh.)
So, it's been more than a little NUTZ around here. Oh... and the little kitties are having their first heats. It's a LOT. But we're eating pretty good and getting our "long winter's nap" in. This contractor is also a vet; so B has been enjoying trading war stories. It's not just B putting up with "the system" and it's indignities.
I think it would be great for everyone and their mood, if it warmed up and the wind died down.
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It's interesting to notice how things recede in importance when they're fading away in the "rear view mirror". Hol & C will land on our coast sometime Sunday. She can't say exactly, because the flight info is initially using Japan time, which is a day ahead of us. Then, depending on their jet lag and the train schedule, they'll head west again and come home south of C's town.
We survived holding down the fort. And no worse for wear, actually. B has been feeling good enough to plow/shovel snow - altho I've been starting the evening fire early, so he can warm up. It hasn't been awful helping out her housesitters. #1 is kinda foreign to this kind of lifestyle, so I was visiting her and troubleshooting almost everyday. And her stay was shortened due to more snow in the forecast. But she was creative and more resourceful/resilient than I initially thought. We talked about her writing project - exploring complex grief - and I managed not to wear the professor hat that day.
#2 is her contractor friend that I get along with famously. (TOO well, given our astrological proclivities. But we've navigated that. And B likes him a lot too.) Together, we reworked Hol's emergency instructions for the solar system/propane genny... and found a less convoluted and functional management plan for snow covered panels and extreme cold temps. He's needing some help in areas that I have some experience in - but not his kind of experience; that's out of my league. I wish I could help him, but I absolutely burned all my bridges to what once was an extensive network. On purpose! <grin>
#3 is S. And he showed up in time to minimize my work and we TALKED about the solar/power stuff and dogs. And since he needs no social support and knows the house since he used to live there... has allowed B & I to take care of ourselves/our place/ and some of our "have tos". I'm picking up the slack for a few days, as he has to work this weekend.
But, we got B through closing on the property sale and the lack of communication (and contradicting communication) on receiving his share of the proceeds. Things a lot of us take for granted - having lived through it previously - are brand-new experiences for him. Albeit colored by past negative experiences that he is convinced is happening NOW AGAIN in NEW situations. SIGH. Sometimes, I have to give myself a break from trying to explain to him that he is making things this way by holding on to those past experiences. It just irritates me no end that people have used him that way in the past. And when I refuse to back down on my understanding of what's going on... then, he shifts to it's just his constant bad luck or being cursed. <rolleyes>
Sometimes, I convince myself this is just Aries rigidity. Both my parents & my Grandma were Aries. I knew going into this relationship that something was going to come full circle, with this. I've also known one Aries (coworker) who did not fit that mold. I do astrology by collecting characteristics of real people I've known instead of accepting without question the standard template definitions. So I am open to being proven wrong and am usually delighted when I am. It's new and more information from the universe.
Sometimes, I see this mental pattern as the intersection of ADHD & OCD - both of which are strong with him. We talk about the ADHD as his tangential squirrels... and the OCD is how he is trying to cope with so much inner distraction. All of this, is just he & I getting to know each other on deeper levels - and staying WITH each other instead of going to old relationship patterns. It's work, some days! But we always laugh about it too.
He has just as many things to talk about me... and does when it's necessary.
Anyway, the snow should melt - it's getting warmer this week - and we survived the winter's worst AND Hol being gone. And I need to order seeds and start talking garden plans with B.
Ground Hog Day is looming! Fingers crossed.
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Could my tangential squirrels and B's go to camp together?
What a blast that would be.
And I'm still dealing with unsupported tech, which I'll resolves asparagus.
meanwhile, many thoughts and much support. Coming your way from
A triple TaurausS.....I was once told after a friend did my chart.
Must go ,pupa is rearranging firmiture?..
Hugs
Hops
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What a PITA keeping solar panels clear, Amber. If one speck covers one panel, I hear it reduces the entire set by that much.
You sound good! Tell B congrats on closing 🌞