Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Meh on February 27, 2024, 07:40:54 PM
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Just nothing new.
So, a bit stressed out. Had an argument with my mother which she initiated by bringing up a subject in a predictable manner which I've probably had 100 arguments with her about now. Was merely trying to drink a cup of coffee. And in the middle of the rerun broken record I say something like: "when you argue with me I just get stressed out and it adds to my anxiety and depression" which she doesn't give a shit about. And she NEVER apologizes EVER for anything. She NEVER changes HOW she talks to me. She is a freaking weirdo. AND since she doesn't care OR listen I JUST Fing repeat myself. I SAY THE SAME SHIT like a broken record. SO I SAY IT AGAIN AND AGAIN. I say that THESE kinds of arguments just cause ME STRESS and then I end up feeling MORE DEPRESSED. I say it like three or four Fing times in the course of the conversation/argument/RITUAL verbal manipulation bullshit. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I SAY because she doesn't care and she doesn't listen to me. HER even starting an argument is a RITUAL FOR HER it's just a sick ritual.
I'm supposed to become a ghost and kill myself or something. That is what narcissists always seem to be trying to do. Drive someone to dark depression and non-existence. But I just keep on talking because I don't think "GRAYROCK" is always a real option OR a good option. Look I am just typing this out to calm down I guess. I'm NOT looking for unwanted advice. I can now get unwanted advice from AI. Bleh.
The way my mother frames everything feels like infantilization. I even just say that to her. I say IT, I say this is infantilizing. AND AGAIN like every other Fing thing I REPEAT it more than once because THEY do not listen and they don't care. The point is not to talk in a constructive way. The POINT for Narcissists is their DEADEND sicko rituals of verbal BS.
Now that I am geographically pretty isolated AND thoroughly depressed from the bullshit circimstances of my stupid shit life... she says I should talk to a counselor. I tell her I don't want to... I say I've already spoken to 4 or 5 counselors when I was younger and I didn't find it helpful. I HAVE TO Fing repeat this because no matter what I say she says the same shit because she doesn't care what I am saying. I say what I am experincing now can not be solved with psychoanalysis...I say TALKING to someone is JUST TALKING it's just Fing TALKING. Trust me no counselor wants to listen to me because I am unhappy and I feel like a mean bitch at this point. I do not want to fucking waste my time for a couselor to sit on their ass an GET PAID to TALK. I don't want to hear anymore stupid fucking useless advice. I can GOOGLE advice. I can read 200 Fing books. I don't want this. I'm angry that she continually says the same shit.
And when I was younger I saw my brother in a weird screwed up cycle. I didn't understand it but I knew instinctually something was just wrong. I knew my brother was always in some kind of crisis mode and it was only ever made worse by the crap my relatives said and did. ITS NOT Fing me.
And this is another point. My mother always comes back to making me feel like shit for everything. She is NASTY about it, she starts an argument with me so that she can be nasty. ITS A SICK RITUAL.
I had screwed up my sleep cycle and I had been awake at night and asleep during the day time. I don't know how much time has passed I probably didn't go outside for about a month to exercise or anyhing... except to go grocery shopping once a week. I KNOW this isn't healthy. I hope I get my sleep cycle sorted out again.
Look, nothing has changed, not in 15 Fing years. NOTHING in my life has changes NOTHING, I'm just older and tired.
She is a truly strange and nasty person. The look on her face changes midway in the argument which she has started. I don't know what to call it, it's like some veil is lifted on their creepy personality and they get a weird look in their eyes and their is this shift and there is just something psychologically MESSED up inside of narcissists. They're awful and they just don't give a crap. She doesn't care how she is impacting me.
I don't think I have anything else to type right now. I am going to repeat the same nothingness, the same empty lament like a retard. It doesn't matter HOW MUCH I know about narcissism. Reading about it changes nothing. I can recognize problems but it doesn't Fing matter BECAUSE it's still there.
This is the kind of shit I would say to a therapist. So yeah, I have no social support network, I am geographically far out from any place I need to get to. My mother is an alcoholic and she has a personality disorder and I've had to depend on her to get anywhere. So find maybe I am RETARDED and also co-dependent and whatever but it doesn't MATTER because calling it whatever DOES NOT ever change anything. Words are not magic elixers. They are not.
I am just going to repeat it because that is all I can ever do is repeat the same shit.
Words are not magic elixers
Maybe placebo doesn't work on me
Maybe the bullshit shamanism of counseling doesn't work on me because...
WORDS are NOT elixers
WORDS do NOT change reality
WORDS DO NOT change the weather
it does not
I don't care what the F you think of this.
I just have to write it I don't know why.
I'm writing it.
I'M angry. I hate having a narcissistic alcoholic tell me to see a therapist.
Because something like cognitive behavioral therapy or whatever I HATE IT.
I do not like people pretending that re-framing something changes REALITY.
See it does not matter how you look at a pile of dog turds... its TURDS. And if you have the TURDS on your shoe it's just a TURD on your shoe. There is no reframing of this shit.
See, when I was younger I thought there was something deeply flawed with me. I thought I needed to be on anti-depressant pills. I also thought maybe someday my life might be sort of better or improved after a while of self-help or whatever random trend crap came along. But now I can say all that is lies and marketing. Nothing has improved it's just decades of SHIT. DECADES of it.
I just hate these arguements and my mother does this for some kind of weird ritualistic bullshit she is acting out. How did I grow up with NOTHING but this really... like I am the person who has absorbed this my whole life. I don't want to hear people's stupid fucking advice. I just don't. I'm merely venting.
I've I've heard and read 1,000 pieces of advice before now well clearly that shit hasn't helped.
I'm really just a very unhappy person and I don't care. I don't want to PRETEND to be happy. ITS A LIE.
My mother is an alcoholic, my grandmother is an alcoholic, my brother as an alcoholic and he committed suicide.
I'm just a tired, angry, unhappy person. And frankly this is just fucking reality for some people. Life is shit. We're supposed to pretend like we're fing happy and whatever just to FIT in with society. But why. It's FAKE.
Have nothing else to type right now. I've spent too much time on social media as a form of escape. Following interest groups and whatnot but it's nothing. It's the path of least resistance or something to fall into technology wastelands.
I'm pretty sure this codependent infantilization that I have has turned my insides into invisible retardation. I know outdated language... but what life-long impact does this shit have on someone and the INDUSTRY of "fixing people"
I don't feel like an adult. And this is the problem with ever being around my mother at all along with all the other problems. You can't diagnose decades of invisible bullshit... it doesn't GET UNDONE, there is NO undoing.. like it wastes a persons life away. It wastes time. There is not a single conversation that I've had with her where she isn't spewing some kind of magical future faking I'm tired of it... the utopia event horizon with some unnatural gravity laws where time and space don't make sense. Between anxiety, depression, narcissism bullshit... my sense of time has been messed up because NOTHING good happens in my life, it's pretty meaningless. I can talk about some random crap that sounds nice but it's pretty meaningless and has been for years. Yeah, I know this is just an angry rant of a depressed person but I just had a stupid ritual argument and whatever. Don't read anything into it. Maybe I just have to type over and over again, these conversations are dead and pointless, it's an argument with a zombie. And for me I have to type over and over again, this is only a ritual. It is a shitty ritual, it's not a real conversation, it's squawks and snarling and nothingness, it's empty noise and it's dishonest. There are lies in it. Lies that one is TOLD SO MANY times. It's all bullshit. I'm depressed I think I have a can of rotting tuna in my refrigerator I'm not kidding. I have to like clean and I'm tired. It's weird tired. It's I don't give a fuck tired. It's emotionally retarded tired.
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I'm so sorry, Meh.
hugs
Hops
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The way I see what you describe, you have some choices here. Choices that NO ONE can make except yourself. So, not "advice" per se, but just a bare bones outlne of the reality you describe, which sounds pretty damn horrible.
A. If your mom hasn't changed her behavior or how she interacts with you in all these years, she's most PROBABLY not going to. She would need strong motivation (or emotional shock, which may not be possible for her) to learn, grow and be different. We can't make people what we want them to be. And no amount of bearing the burden of personal suffering will karmically alter things to your liking; it's just punishing yourself further.
- choice: you can simply continue on the way you have. you have the freedom and agency to do that, if you choose... and no one can judge that, ethically. you will probably also continue to rail at the godz about the fate you accept with this choice and feel stuck.
- choice: YOU have the ability to change your behavior and level of interaction with "mom", at will. You can choose to live your life with almost no contact to absolutely no contact with her... and no one can say "boo" about your choice; it can't be criticized or judged by anyone else because they aren't YOU and don't have this ongoing repeated nightmare sham of a "relationship". What you do with the extra space in your life, is again, up to you.
- choice: YOU can reclaim power over your own life and slowly but surely, work toward making a contented and comfortable life for yourself. Yeah, it might mean allowing some friends gradually into your concentric "circles" of trust and confidence. Yeah, you might be dependent in ways on "the system" until you get on your feet. Yeah you might have even greater challenges... but it sure as hell wouldn't be boring! It could be the adventure of a lifetime to design, develop a plan and execute it to build your perfect (or as close as any of us ever gets*) life. *= none of us have a perfect life, and most of us struggle with various things at various times, for various durations. Even the "celebrities" have their own struggles and agonies... bless their hearts.
- choice: you can just aceept what you're currently experiencing as your lot in life and give up trying to be who you really are; or decide this IS who you really are... the choices and combinations of choices are pretty limitless. But only YOU will know which one(s) feel right for you, that you like/can live with, and will propel you closer to what you can't even see right now, that you might really want for yourself.
B. We only get this one life, with this one consciousness. I'm allowing for the possibility of reincarnation - which presumes that one would have a different consciousness. We all have tests, struggles, challenges, horrible experiences - and absolute grace from the godz - in our lives. Do we always see these? not necessarily. Do we have to consign ourselves to a life/conditions/circumstances that is just the first challenge of what we were born into or can we find our inner rebel, and "go do" something ELSE?
NONE of us know 100% which is better; we don't have crystal balls about the future difficulties we'll experience on either path. And no one is "perfect enough" to judge you on what you choose for you.
Good luck, Sis.
(typos corrected for clarity, given I've had a bit too much coffee)
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No advice, Meh.
Just an observation.
Your mother is broken and she can't do better, bc someone likely harmed her during her childhood.
If she could do better, she would.
She just can't.
Acceptance of her brokeness....
accepting she's done her best and will never do any better requires dropping expectations she'll change.
I have no idea if that would create less suffering for you.
What I'm sure about is this....
you're profoundly worthy of the loving mother you never had.
Her brokeness is about her....
not you.
Lighter
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Another day another screaming session. Had to buy some Tylenol today. The right side of my neck sternocleidomastoid maybe is all tensed up and earlier today I was getting chest pain. I assume all of this is those bizarre body manifestations of stress.
I'm almost too bored of this and too tired to type it out.
So, I've pretty much been stranded in an area that doesn't have bus transportation that is commutable to a job. I've been out here for over a year more or less doing nothing and wasting my savings after I had been taking some classes online. I've figured maybe I'm going to need to stay in a hotel closer to the city to apply for jobs and look for rentals. See, this never ends when you aren't like financially stable with a good job/career or whatever. And it gets old the older you get. Anyhow so my mother I've had to depend on to get to the grocery store and take my garbage stuff to the recycle center etc. That is pretty much the only thing I've gone out to do for all this time I've been out here. While I was in the car with her I mentioned that I was considering putting my stuff in a storage place nearby temporarily. It's something I was considering to sort of maybe alleviate my own stress of getting my stuff out of the rental before the end of the month. I'm also just tired of looking at the boxes and wondering what more I should throw away. I think I only have 15 boxes like that's it and one small lamp and bedding stuff. Anyways this stuff is really boring. So I had mentioned to my mother that I might want to stick my stuff in storage because it's only like $30 or something. When I said that she started screaming at me in the car. I have the $30. I wasn't asking her opinion I was just trying to discuss how the hell I am going to get unstranded and out of this rental that I have to be out of. She starts telling me I'm not going to put stuff and storage as if it's her decision to make. Like it's really pointless. I would need her to help me get the boxes into the storage unit and it might take two trips but we drive in that dirrection anyhow to go to the grocery store. But this think of moving boxes into storage is what she decides to yell and scream about and flip out over. She drops me off back at my place, she says she will call me later when she gets home, and I put my groceries away and I go for a walk to get some exercise and in theory "destress" though I have my doubts about my ability to destress at all. Then my phone isn't working well because it's never worked well out here I'm not kidding. She texts me and she writes she doesn't have much to say. I call her and I tell her I'm just trying to figure out all my options to get out of this place. I don't have a car, don't have a job, don't have a rental soon. I can contact staffing companies but if they send me on a job I have to actually go there. Like I can't speak to her about any plans she isn't going to help me at all.
I asked her if she would be willing to co-sign on a loan for a commuter car. I knew she would say no but there is no reason for me not to ask. She has a house and two cars, they're comfortable enough and not hurting at all. I really did want to get driving again WHILE I was living outside the city. The traffic is awful in a lot of places around here closer one gets into the urban areas. Like I think it's rated as one of the worst regions to drive in. This was part of the reason I moved out here anyhow but nothing went very well. The "help" I was told I was going to get with this turned into screaming and somehow there is always a reason NOT to do it.
She also keeps telling me to "talk to a counselor" and I tell her that there is nothing a couselor will say that is going to 1) move my things etc. I say to her this is pretty basic stuff and there is no mystery to it. But she acts likes this is some esoteric mysterious process. I told her yeah I just have to take these action steps and I need a regular paycheck and not being employed makes it more challenging to get a car or apartment/rental because they always want for you to already have a job. It's a fucking headache. She makes things very very difficult even she has to scream about me saying I think I might want to put some boxes into storage.
It's just that it's not important to her so she sabotages all of it because she really does want me to end up in a crisis situation. Like she actually seems to create hell when it could be easier. This is not how things go when it's her own life, she is capable of planning something calmly and figuring something out but it something has to do with what I NEED to do she screams and does a pointless conversation. I told her: "There's something wrong with you" that is the only response I think to say to her when she is screaming. So then she asks her husband in the background: "Denny is there something wrong with me" and he says "No"... and I tell her nobody is screaming at her like she is screaming at me... to which she responds to me with a sarcastic tone and I have no idea what she even says because it's not worth remembering. None of it is like planning basic things. I can't get anything done and then all of a sudden it's a "crisis" because on a regular basis I haven't been able to get anything done.
The conversations are dead-end, they are mean spirited, they go around in circles when I'm just trying to think of various options of what I can do to get out of here. But she apparently has decided she is going to make all these decisions for me.
It's stressful. I've been lucky that she even takes me to get groceries like that is a herculean effort for her even though she lives 3 mins away and the store is probably only 10 minute drive or so.
As bad as it is for me, and as stressful as it is I almost have to laugh at her how HARD and impossible she has made everything. Like everything I need to do it is just so fucking hard.
She says she is going to "call someone" like she is threatening to call someone to get me put into a mental ward. She did this to my brother. This started all because I said I was thinking of sticking some boxes into storage.
Then she says "this is all documented." I don't know what she means by that. I assume she has weaponized her therapist against me as some kind of authority who is "documenting" that I'm bad and evil for having any needs at all. Anyhow she says it like a threat. I hope I do make her miserable as she is the loser who brought me into this world. But she is fine, she is real comfortable in life.
I am quite literally meant to have no needs, to be invisible, no not exist.
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Hopalong, Skeptical, Lighter.
Yeah, I know. She isn't going to change.
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I need to get back to working again, I need a regular routine, I need a regular paycheck, I need to do basic positive things for myself like being able to get to doctor appointments and even just get my freaking hair cut and stupid stuff. Need some regularity that makes sense. I really wanted to be in an area that doesn't have terrible traffic congestion. I'm too old not to have a car I mean I made it work for years in the city but the city is also getting more and more expensive and every time I move or need to do anything it's without a car. Like I don't feel like an adult. And I also have weird anxiety about driving which is probably somewhat 1) me being neurotic and making a bigger deal of it than it is AND 2) Actually a real problem when it comes to some of the commutes in this area because even some of my old coworkers would say they got awful anxiety from their commute.
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Sometimes I wonder how bad a relationship has to be for it to actually cause brain damage.
https://psychcentral.com/blog/liberation/2017/10/long-term-narcissistic-abuse-can-cause-brain-damage#1
https://www.businessinsider.com/how-stressful-relationship-is-bad-2014-11
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Wow... it almost sounds to me, as if your mom - at some deep emotionally disturbed level - really NEEDS you in her life - like a source of justification for how SHE is. Like she feeds off of you. (ICK...!) She's obviously trying to control you via all this drama she exhibits. Good on you, for resisting this crap.
Even beater cars are expensive these days... and car loans are absurdly expensive too. Good mechanics are getting rare and parts are slow to be available and growing pricier every week too.
But, I wonder if there's some "work from home" job you could find, to at least get you the income you need to start putting one foot after the other, on your plan? Sometimes, medical billing or coding can pay enough for you to start getting ahead. No, it's not fun work... but you probably wouldn't have to commute. And you COULD look for a bike with some hauling capacity (more than a basket; panniers? A cargo box?) or maybe a trike? That would be good exercise for you too.
I dunno. When we get to talking about this practical side of things, you can be as creative as you want about cobbling together a solution. Whatever works for you. No brick walls denying you the chance to try, you know? The criteria is staring you in the face: something work at home, that doesn't require transportation, for NOW. Get yourself moved... renting a vehicle. Maybe even an Uber? And by then, maybe the used car situation will have improved enough you can find something reliable... and you can improve your job/income. But it's not "magic" - it does need the nurture of your effort and desire to "make it so".
Good luck! I know you're determined & persistent enough to succeed!
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Being screamed at routinely is emotional abuse.
You feel trapped. She sounds both mean and not right in the head.
Are you by any chance highly sensitive to noise and chaos? Your mother is the walking definition of chaos. I can imagine how hellish it is feeling dependent on her.
I'm sorry you keep going through this. I do wish you'd talk to a counselor if you can. Even online services have some pro bono, I think/hope/not sure.
hugs
Hops
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Yeah, I'm not a person that falls asleep easily in front of a noisy TV screen like some people like.
I do like quiet quite a bit.
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I feel lonely. I also don't want to date anybody I just magically wish I had more family around. But I think this is also a weird feeling I get when I move I guess.
A while ago a friend had asked me if I wanted to look for a rental with her and I'm now feeling like I should have taken her up on the idea. If I move closer into the city the rents are higher and the traffic and parking is worse but there are more jobs. Bleh.
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Have you checked in with the friend looking for a roommate lately, Meh?
Maybe a visit's in order?
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Oh, that friend I do keep in touch with. They don't currently have any open rooms in their house I asked. It's women from her church which I'm not a part of.
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So, I bought a used car yesterday. I've never purchased a car before believe it or not. It cleared out most of my bank account considering I've been stranded without a car, paying rent but NOT working, so I've wasted a lot of money doing nothing. The car has no warranty, & I got the most basic insurance possible SO I hope I just keep it together for at least the next 12 months. Since I do live in an area with NOT a lot of traffic I still thought it is a chance for me to get used to driving again. I had lived in the city for most of my adult life and didn't drive I just took public transit to work and did F-all in the city I guess. It feels hard to account for how I've spent the last 5-10 years of my life like it's been kinda pointless. So I signed a bunch of forms yesterday. Managed to get my relatives to come with me to a car dealership because THAT was also far away. Deep sigh. I got in the car today and drove around on the backroads here where all I had to avoid was deer and some contruction crews. I knew I needed to get over some anxiety about this. I'm such a loser lol... there are 20-year-olds who are lifetimes ahead of me. I'm afraid to get on the freeway but I guess eventually I will. In fact maybe I can wake up insanely early on Sunday morning and just get on the freeway and hope for the best like an idiot. There shouldn't be very many people out if I wake up early enough. I know it sounds stupid but it's been MANY years since I drove in heavy traffic or on the highway. I just have to do it. At least here is Google maps so I can kind of pre-plot where I am going and all.
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Thank god. I found on Google maps a small section of the freeway that I can get on via a farm road not a BIG messy intersection... and I think I can find an exit that is also a mellow intersection and not a messy one. I'm going to do it this weekend so I can get over this driving anxiety stuff. Yep. That's what I' doing this weekend.
And as far as city traffic goes I'm not going to worry about it this week. Maybe I will drive to a city north of here.
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Bravo!
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When I'm unfamiliar with a place, those digital navigation devices seem like a godsend as I have a morbid fear of getting lost. Especially in city traffic, 6 lane highways, etc. I have had them fail or lead me astray. But, I always study a map before my trip. I KNOW the main highway numbers of my route. Which are east-west, north-south. Then I pay attention to signs.
The other thing is that I'm always looking for landmarks, and stashing them in my memory as I drive. Now, the downside of that is that landmarks can change - either get torn down/replaced or remodelled drastically. But that's how I got from O'Hare to Michigan sans map on my seat and not DARING to fiddle with the touchscreen nav (which means I'm a distracted driver and swerving out of my lane).
Practice makes perfect - or a least more confidence. <wink>
Also, from a pragmatic perspective: keep an eye on things like windshield wipers, tires, oil, bulbs, coolant and exhaust. These are the most common "issues" of maintenance that need addressing. Drive without music and get used to the sounds your car makes. Listen to the tires, the motor, the rattles... so you know what's normal and what's not. Ask around for a reliable and affordable mechanic not associated with the dealer or national franchise - they are often your best bet for any serious repairs.
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Thanks Skeptikal. Yes, now I've got lots to learn about the vehicle I guess. Had a mini freak out today because I thought the warning lights for the power steering and electronic engine malfunction had come on. They did pop on while I was at a park. But then I came home got out. Worried. Looked in the manual. Looked to see if the dealerships even had service appointments avail and they did not. Anyhow. I got BACK into the car & drove it around the block and the lights didn't come on so I am going to drive it around the block tomorrow and check again. But what I learned is the service centers don't have same-day appointments and that would be really crap if I had to commute to work and depended on the car for it. These are very boring things I know but this is what is new in my life.
I managed to get on the freeway today and then right back off again via what are, well, on farm roads so the on-ramps and off-ramps are not intimidating in themselves. It was early-ish today though there was still a decent amount of traffic. Anyhow baby steps I guess.
I feel a bit freaked out driving on the freeway and I don't know how I am going to avoid doing that but I think I want to try to avoid it. It scares me even when the traffic isn't bad. I mean I feel I need to do this to be a normal adult and all.
I keep playing a freeway traffic accident in my head over and over now.
My drivers license is 100% valid it's just I haven't driven in heavy traffic in decades and being that population in cities seems to be growing but the streets are not growing... the city traffic is so bad.
Oh, so I just looked up a local driving school and they seem to have some kind of classes for adults so maybe I will email them. Thing is now I feel worried that my license would be revoked. I am not a terrible driver. I don't tail-gate people and I notice a lot of people do that. I drive the speed limit. It's just the chaos of everything freaks me out and I'm not sure how to handle it. Deep sigh. Oh well.
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It was a bit of a long day today.
In theory a friend of mine from my old workplace is going to come visit me from the city next weekend. I told her I got a car and then she was so excited she wanted to come up and she seems to be thrilled at the prospect of helping me drive but I'm thinking that might not be a good idea as it actually requires someone to be mellow and very CLEAR about what they are saying and not being distracting. I guess I will find out but I only plan on taking her to places like the state parks etc. and small towns so I've figured out how to get everywhere on backroads and avoid weird intersections. I think I had too much coffee today or maybe I'm super anxiety charged right now at almost 11 pm. Not sure. I've kind of given myself a crashcourse on driving in the past few days. I'm okay sort of. Shooooot. TIRED.
Parallel parking is the least of my worries though I tried today and I didn't do a great job. I used to be pretty good at it.
Shit. I guess I should contact a driving school. That would be another purchase. Maybe I will just ask them what they suggest.
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You're doing all the right things to build your confidence in the vehicle and yourself, Meh. Just give yourself more time on the lesser travelled roads before adding in lots of traffic. It's takes some time & experience to develop the intuition of being able to predict what other drivers are going to do, especially when they're going faster. And the fewer distractions around you, the better!
Yeah, you don't want to practice driving while you're tired or upset or overly nervous. Take it nice & easy, practice regularly - in the rain, too - and remember to pat yourself on the back for taking this big step; important for your future. It takes as long as it takes to feel comfortable enough to expand your driving times & distances.
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I think you might be right about coffee making your anxiety worse, Meh.
When I'm heading into anxious situations I put coffee down completely out of self preservation.
If you narrow focus down to those deep sighs and what's going on around you, it might help limit the looping fearful thoughts. They sound very upsetting....and distracting too.
Normally coffee, the ritual of it and aroma are comforting.... are touchstones of my day.
Dropping it
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Hi Mouse, Boat, beyond Meh--
My first real smile of the day was reading this. Seeing you confront your fear and face your anxiety over driving and take these baby steps (baby drives) into freedom makes me happy.
https://www.calm.com/blog/driving-anxiety (https://www.calm.com/blog/driving-anxiety)
When I was younger and had full-blown anxiety disorder with frequent panic attacks, I was living near DC and the traffic was horrendous. And this was in the 70s! I spent time going over an enormous bridge to the coast -- only way I could go from point A to point B. At times, I'd get near-paralysed with fear on the bridge: sweating, trembling, hyperventilating, etc. It really felt awful. But I had to keep going. Ultimately, that's what cured my driving anxiety. I just kept going.
My point is: that's ALL GONE. I got therapy for anxiety, for as long as it took, learned to meditate, paid attention to what my body needed, and in time, it worked. Also am on a low-dose SSRI (Lexapro) which wiped out residual anxiety symptoms nearly overnight. Just to say, the anxiety you feel now is not a permanent condition.
Even if you just drive lovely farm roads in spring with your favorite tunes or a rescue pooch...even if that was all you ever did, it's a new chapter now.
The biggest thing I finally caught on to was that anxiety attacks don't kill you, even though during them you can forget what is true. I read and read and read about them and learned what the body was doing (adrenaline, etc) and how to ease it back.
So glad you got wheels. HAPPY DRIVING! And I hope when you move again it'll be someplace with good public transportation, so when you don't feel up to driving you won't have to.
hugs
Hops
PS - Mega dittoes to Lighter's coffee advice. When my anxiety was crippling, a therapist said to me that with anxiety, caffeine is like pouring gasoline on a fire. Went back to chamomile for a long time. Now I have one strong cuppa tea/day, and it's fine.
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Thanks Skeptikal, Lighter, Hops.
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I'm tired. I spent 6-7 hours pulling weeds and moving bricks for "fun"... I'm not sure if it's fun but I think weeding and gardening is something I like to do because I don't THINK very much while I'm doing it. No thoughts about my worries/problems/impending multiplicity of dooms.
It's better than staring at the wall or at dirty dishes which are almost always there no matter what.
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Weed and rock therapy are my FAVS, Meh! House painting comes in third place... and I have tons to do.
As for some of the worries... no, they won't revoke your license for signing up for a driving school. BUT - I don't know they won't make your anxiety worse, in the long run. They typically only focus on the physical skills. And some of the instructors can be total jerks... yelling, slamming on their control brakes, and just general berating of the already shaky student.
Last Friday, B sent me out to pick up lunch - by myself. Since I got smaller tires for the jeep, I can't see as well pulling out of our road onto the highway. I can only pull out going east and that's uphill just after a curve below (and the part that's hard to see). When the leaves come out on the trees, I won't be able see clearly traffic coming DOWN the hill (around another curve of course) either. So of course, I imagine myself getting squashed by two lanes of traffic a LOT.
I roll down my window, to LISTEN for cars (not a lot of those silent electric ones out here) and wait - looking 3 times in both directions - before pulling out. And since I drive manual, I have to trust my clutch/accellerator coordination and don't CARE if I spin tires and throw gravel! I've been driving since I was 15, and almost ALL those were stick shift vehicles. I've driven in hurricanes and blizzards; at very high speed; in twisty mountain two lanes... and I rode a motorcylce in various conditions also. There is no rational reason for me to distrust my ability. And even the 90+ year old widow on my road is still driving (and you'd best get out her way!).
So, I pull an Arya Stark. When the picture of what COULD happen pops into my head, I ask myself: what do we say to death? NOT TODAY. I know it's silly, but it does banish the image and anxiety and within a mile or so, the body memory kicks in and I'm totally comfortable again. I've always loved driving, so maybe that's helpful too.
But as I've gotten older, I do worry more. Still, it's mostly about other drivers. All my close calls have been because other people did stupid things I wasn't expecting.
I think you simply need more "time on task", acclimating yourself, and regaining the body memory reflexes you used to have. In tai chi, the teacher always said it took 5000 repetitions before anyone could work on "refining the movement".
And it would be great if Dept of Transportation was able to re-orient how this road accesses the highway, to make it safer... but I called them a month ago about the rain washouts we have to let them know it's getting bad... and nada, to date. So I don't have hope anything will happen on re-orienting. Besides, it makes our road virtually invisible from the highway. And OF COURSE, this section of the highway, the property owners won't let them trim the trees/underbrush to make it easier to SEE futher into the curves... so it's great when B can watch one direction while I watch the other. And he can see motion through the leaves; I can't.
As for those warning lights - there are always a couple that come on, when you initially start the car; then they go out. Only if the lights stay on, do you need to find out what's going on. Places like O'Reilly's or Autozone will often reset the switch for you - because it's mostly an emissions sensor that times out and does NOT affect your ability to drive or hurt the car. Sometimes, those sensors need to be replaced - and I've had places like that do it for me if they're not busy.
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I'm pretty sure weeding and placing stones saved my Nervous System from imploding 10 years ago, Meh.
Fight or flight brain didn't want to just sit and meditate. Lord knows I tried.
Walking meditation, working in the yard and nurturing green things, turned out to be an accidental perfect choice for me.
I hope you're not too sore. My muscles feel it on the second day after big physical exertion. Epsom salt baths and anti inflammatories help.
Lighter
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I just wanna say that I believe you will get a kindly, grandfatherly driving instructor and you only gotta do one thing. Be vulnerable, and tell him "I am pretty anxious."
His old heart will soften (because he's a type who likes helping people) and he'll say something like, "Don't worry, it'll be okay" because it will.
hugs
Hops
PS -- I took the beautiful key bridge all the time. I'm so sad about the accident. And unsurprised that some of the workers on an overnight shift in early March spoke Spanish. Who else do we count on to do the hardest work? Immigrants, that's who.
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Neurotically trying to clean some cheapo junk that will never look good anyhow. There is an unfinished made in Vietnam Ikea type table in here that I tried to bleach (roll eyes). It just needs to be painted but will likely be discarded by the landlady.
Spent like an hour+? on the phone talking to some healthcare customer service nonsense again rolling my eyes. I feel like I get NOTHING accomplished ever. The first person I was talking to said something about them not covering some medications if there were a different medication. I just take meds for asthma. But I got really frustrated talking to her and asked to speak to someone else who claimed the prescriptions would be covered in full by the insurance. I don't know. Why do people have to jump through so many pointless hoops. This is very very boring. I have a written paper prescription from a doctor who I'm confused about if he intentionally groped me or unintentionally. I don't really want to contact that office anymore to find out if that doctor is a preferred provider yada yada. So I guess I have to make a new appointment with some other stupid clinic for them to write a prescription for the exact same medication of ASTHMA. Very exiciting stuff.
I feel very stressed, irritable. I went for a walk and it doesn't help, NOT at all, it's fresh air which is something but no all these ideas of whatever just listen to music and go for a walk it doesn't really fing help much. Yeah, I've got nothing to say. I resent having to make another freaking medical appointment for the SAME freaking thing when all they will do is listen to my lungs and say "well they sound clear right now"... and since asthma comes and goes they will give me some kind of prescription perhaps not for the one that actually works and they will have to do some extra stipulation crap or the pharmacy will to push through the stupid med BECAUSE there is no generic version of it and won't be for eight or more more years idk because the pharmaceutical company has to make more money off of it.
Why do so many people have asthma anyhow? Like it's a lot of people.
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There is a big big gap in my "resume" and if I lived in the city I would have just called a staffing agency and taken whatever but I'm NOT in the city. I'm mentally cycling through the ways all the crap puzzle pieces feel like they don't go together at all. I only have very complaining and unhappy things to write. I don't care what job I do... I've had 15 jobs none of them careers or anything. That school joke thing I was doing I never finished it because I'm probably low IQ. It was a massive waste of my time. I could have been wasting my time some other way. It didn't help that I had to take a course from a weirdo Islamist about his political agenda that F-er. That was the caca icing on the caca cake. I can't even think about it.
I guess I am going to aimlessly fill out forms OR something. I'm not sure. I have to just make a plan like NOW NOW NOW. I have to do something. My brain feels like it's dehydrating into a raisin... I'm just tired of worrying but also I just feel like I am wasting my time.
My previous job where I was at for about 5 or so years.. I sat in a beige or taupe? cubicle and talked on the phone, typed some junk. Sometimes read some books on the weekends. That is mostly all I did with my life.
I don't even feel like I have motivation for getting dressed up for work. Maybe I need a haircut but I feel that isn't going to make much difference. I feel old and I have a pretty bad attitude. I've managed to chip about 5 of my teeth from grinding them at night though I mean maybe it doesn't matter what look like I'm not going to apply for a modeling job. Why am I writing this I don't know. Jobs, interviews, what is the term for it I don't know but it all feels fake. I have to pretend I'm not depressed and old.
I barely look in the mirror. The most I do is pat my hair down and stick some cold water on my eyes. I feel like I've been fake my whole life, quietly hanging out trying to look acceptable enough but also being totally fake. But that is what work is.
I will cross that stupid bridge when I come to it I guess. I'm wasting time worrying about everything.
Not looking forward to moving back into the city where everything smells like exhaust, and there is more crime, more people... anyhow all I have is a long list of unhappy complaints. I don't even know what to do with myself tonight.
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I'm not going to worry about it. If I get a stupid dress-up job then I will just wear the same outfit every single day like a muppet with permanently sewed-on clothing. Like I am really not looking forward to the fakery. I think I once believed the fakery would get me somewhere when the truth was it probably didn't do anything other than help ensure I got good performance reviews or something stupid. Why does it bother me so much. I don't like the performance I guess.. 40 hours plus commuting of something which ultimately is dead-end. idk.
But yeah, I will just wear the same thing every day because I'm lazy and I'm not buying a work wardrobe. All my clothes are probably over five years old because I haven't been shopping in that long. My life really has no purpose at all. Maybe I really should pretend to be a muppet. It's as good as all the other weird stuff people pretend. I'm just so miserably cynical. I'm pretty sure I have a permanent frown on my face AND yellow teeth. So bascially, I'm an old, ugly depressive who needs to get my 16th entry-level job. I'm supposed to like reframe this narrative to make my life sound nicer than it really is. Muppet is fine. Loser-Lilly... Tired Tina... Fake Fiona ...
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During a frugality sprint I started doing this about teeth:
1) Brush my teeth.
2) Before spitting out the last mouthful of foam, I sip or spray in a glug of plain peroxide, let it sit a while until I feel it working (I"ll bend over a laptop or book to get the front teeth well into it), spit again, rinse with water. Done.
My dentist always compliments me on my teeth. They're not Chiclets but not tea bags either.
Could you suck up your dislike of the gropey asshat doc and just call his receptionist and ask the question about his network? If that's all you need, shame to stress over an unncessary extra appt. Unless I missed something. Good luck.
My useful contribution for the night. Hope your dreams go somewhere good.
hugs
Hops
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Hi, Meh:
In this household we adore runs to Goodwill to fill out our wardrobes. Lots of interesting things, some brand new. I found my bestest blue jeans for $4.99 and intend to use them as a pattern.....not exactly sure how, but will figure it out eventually!
Lighter
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Ate Top Ramen for breakfast, drove to a cafe for something to do and got a cookie, then didn't want to go home some drove a bit more, got the junk food out of my trunk which is meant to be some emergency things not sure why I had that idea to keep it but ate a nitrates and meat parts stick, some too salty pretzels, and cashews. Now, I am just home again and having a cup of tea I guess. Sat and watched some seagulls and a storm and listened to the raindrops for a LONG while, texted a weird friend about nothing in particular. Now, I guess I shall desalinate my system with lots of watery tea for a while.
Was reading some comments on a YouTube video with the topic of Narcissism and real purpose probably to funnel people to this person's business aka websites with carts. One or two of the comments was about the channel calling people lazy I guess. One person in the comments pointed out that APATHY is not the same as being lazy.
I have no point at all in writing this. In fact I think I am getting a screen headache.
Should I categorize everything into "apathy" energy or active energy... or is calling something apathy energy a bad thing to do in itself... Meh
So, today my mother called me... she called me to tell me SHE and her husband feel SAD. They feel sad because someone in her husband's extended family appears to possibly have cancer. I've seen the person maybe two or three times in my entire life at family FAMILY? events. Narcissism events? idk.
I'm sure it's sad but it's not my problem. They lived the American Dream or whatever for as long as it lasted and now they have some sickness I guess.
After decades of being invisible I'm meant to give a crap about someone I don't even know. The story of their problem is going to go on and on and my mother will talk about it for months.
I don't need to know about it really is the thing. I'm sure they have some play-date type friends, and BBQ friends, and cul-de-sac friends.
Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhh
Her parents seemed wealthy. That's all I know. It seemed like smooth sailing for her and whatever everybody dies.
Maybe she has cancer but then don't most Americans get cancer eventually. So why do I care. I don't.
See, I'm evil. Not empathetic enough for faux-distant-relatives not even related by blood or shared experiences.
I think it's just the thrill of the drama for my mother. For me it's just complaining about my mother and needing that real distance... I'm going cross-eyed. The feeling of too much to do makes me fecking tired, or is it what I was saying before, myriad plentiful apathy. An over-abundance of apathy. Luckily I don't have to talk to the couple who are having their crisis. And nobody expects me to go to that funeral if there is one anyhow. It would likely be paid for by her rich parents and I don't know them. So... I guess I can get on with my stupid life and ignore all the subsequent times my mother brings up this subject.
Not my family. I know that much. Fake people, in a fake world, like fake headlines in the media of a fake movie.
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Sounds like you're clarifying some tough feelings, Meh. I find writing out feelings very helpful. Your post reminds me to begin a new this and that thread to put things I need to get out of my system, but not on particular other threads.
FWIW, you include how you think others see you and that's helpful to become aware of, IME. I struggle not too judge myself. Thank God I found a place where I no longer care what others think of me.....mostly.
Such a relief to shed it like an old skin, IME. Same with comparing myself to anyone else. It was wasted time and spinning my wheels in a ditch I wanted to claw myself out of.
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Yeah, I felt like journaling this morning and this afternoon but then I ate and had a beer and 100% forgot whatever it was.
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I went for a walk and saw 3 orca whales BUT besides that I pretty much got nothing imperative/important done. Sure getting out is essential, vital, necessary as I feel my being cooped up indoors is BAAAAADDDD. Still I have so much to do and my worry is also really messing with me.
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Signed up for the "free" state health insurance. They set me up with a doctor who isn't taking anymore patients of course. I was on the phone off and on for 5.5-6 hours today trying to sort out this stupid situation. It took the whole day and I still a) don't have a primary care doc and b) dont have the prescription.
The prescription is NOT Viagra and it is NOT a pain med. It's a lame chronic condition medication. And since they want to make it extra hard it requires an EXTRA authorization step. I already have a written paper prescription from a doctors office but it's not the STATE HEALTH insurance preferred provider blah blah blah...
I'm not going to lie.. at 4:45 I started screaming at the person on the phone.
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Turns out the stupid insurance company CENTENE is being sued for millions of dollars in 11 states. Does not surprise me. The helpline is the runaround and it's set up that way on purpose you can tell. lol
https://www.reuters.com/legal/litigation/centene-pay-144-mln-settle-ohio-miss-overcharge-claims-2021-06-14/
https://www.reuters.com/legal/government/centene-pay-333-mln-settle-washington-medicaid-fraud-claims-2022-08-24/
https://www.atg.wa.gov/news/news-releases/ag-ferguson-health-care-giant-centene-pay-washington-19-million-overcharging
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/03/21/us/centene-health-care-fraud.html
falsely reporting higher prescription drug costs incurred by two of its managed care plans
https://www.beckerspayer.com/payer/centene-spent-281m-to-settle-state-overbilling-allegations-in-2023.html
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More screaming at health insurance people today. Maybe not full screaming but definitely 100% irate and it worries me that this insurance company has all my private info like SS number etc.
I know THIS website has nothing to do with this. It's just it's pretty much what I spent my energy trying to resolve today.
Talked to SEVEN people. Was put on hold numerous times. Had to speak to a manager at two different organizations. They still can't comprehend how it's not my job to FIX their computer problems but what is really really weird is someone told me I had insurance in March since years ago which was also terminated in March. That is news to me. I haven't used any medical services whatsoever. I wonder how much that cost and how I even became insured without me knowing as I never got confirmaion of such a thing from before. More medical fraud?
On a regular basis I feel like I am losing my mind. I did try to set up insurance a long time ago but it WAS NEVER CONFIRMED and I hadn't even submitted everything they require so how did that even happen. IDK. For that entire time though I did not use any healthcare and I didn't have a membership number or card given to me. This is not interesting. I am just venting like always.
I'm very polite for 20 minutes, slightly losing patience at 30 minutes, starting to feel hateful around 40 minutes and at 45 minutes into a phone call after already speaking to numerous people I just I can't keep my cool anymore. Now that it's six business days later and nobody I've talked to even sound like they've done any research into the problem.
Anyhow. I guess this is communism.
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Honestly, this kind of experience is rampant with insurance. Medicare is even worse. The system is so complex not even the representatives know what's what. No wonder medical costs are sky high! It takes 14 people just to manage policies, network providers & claims.
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The levels of stress these runarounds and on-holds and bounce from one gatekeeper to another cause can create more illnesses. Or I believe this.
I can't fathom it. I freak out over tech regularly and that's just tech. The phone runaround on top of insurance corruption is enough to break the brain.
Hope it gets untangled soon.
hugs
Hops
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--Skeptikal, this company is linked with Medicare: "Beyond our Ambetter Health products, Centene proudly provides healthcare services to Medicaid members in 30 states and Medicare members nationwide through our WellcareExternal Link brand." from Centene.com
I am pretty sure the system is "broken" on purpose.
I was just unaware OR I assumed it was bad but I always stayed away from it so was ignorant. I've just never SEEN first-hand an insurance company try to force doctors to downgrade medications.
--Yeah, Hops, sigh.
It just took up way too much of my time. I said to one of the supervisors "should a client have to contact you over ten times about the same issue" and their response was YES sometimes that's what it takes to get an issue resolved. WHATEVERS it wasted enough time already.
I did get the prescription. I was able to get them to expedite it. Of course it has zero refills they want to put people through this over and over again.
Here is a letter the insurance sent:
"Coordinated Care of Washington, Inc., is sending this update to your grievance received for your concern about a prescription.
We are glad you were able to meet with a TelaDoc provider today! We see that the provider wrote a prescription for you. Unfortunately, that medication is not on the Apple Health Preferred Drug List which is why it had denied at the pharmacy. Because you experienced delays getting this prescription we are providing a one-time exception of this non-preferred medication for six months. After six months, your provider will need to submit a Prior Authorization for continued use. The Prior Authorization will need to include any medications you may have tried and failed in the past. Your provider may also change your medication to one on the Apple Health Preferred Drug List which is attached to this email.
Your prescription is ready for pick up. Please know there are no refills on the prescription you received today and will need a new prescription for any refill."
ANY HOW it's stupid. I'm over it for now. Too busy to muck around with them. I'm not going to FIX it obviously.
It's just an interesting experience. But also I'm glad I'm not currently sick and dealing with that. I am healthy and dealing with it.
Of course my anxiety probably makes matters worse but I have a feeling this would have gone on for weeks and weeks if I had not been a pest.
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I'm awake, I think I just took a Benadryl. Didn't sleep well last two nights in a row and I was acting weird earlier today. I was driving and missed a turn more than once, was okay but still I guess it's a reminder to self how mental I can get if I am stressed and not sleeping well. I mess stuff up.
I drank coffee late in the afternoon I probably shouldn't have. So, now, it'a anxious staring at the ceiling laying flat on my back kinda thing and feeling stupid for drinking that coffee.
Went on a job interview today of sorts. It was only a preliminary to find out about openings. I really need to get back to work but they wanted to immediately send to interview far away at a small legal office tha probably has no health insurance of course. Also I have to move this weekend.
I'm kind of screwed probably all-around. Well, it's all been a slow-motion wreck for years. I can't deal with my life very well. Really should have been applying for jobs a long while back but I was busy being a depressedazoid.
Benedryl kick in. Tomorrow I think I will just pack half of my stuff up and take it to pay-for storage place so I can clean up better and clear out the apartment. Then I can do the rest on Saturday maybe. Thursday and Friday I think I need to regroup because I'm losing it mentally hahaha.
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It's hard, but sounds to me as though you ARE dealing with your life right now.
Maybe a peaceful small law office would be not so bad. Moving ALWAYS sucks.
I think you are stronger than you know and there is still hope for various things to get resolved or better, just not all at once. Keep the window open for relief to come in. It's not crazy to have hope.
hugs
Hops
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Oh, I don't have hope. I'm not fond of that mental game. I just dont bother. Everything is just tasks for me these days. Mundane daily tasks is 100% what gets me through life.
I was able to:
- Talked to a neighbor and asked her if she wanted to rent out the bottom part of her house. We chatted she said she has been considering how to make the bottom area more private though currently she has to travel though the area. Oh well, it was a random thing. I genrally hate knocking on people's doors. She is ultra-personable though. The downside and upside is she is like the grapevine. Shrug.
- Set up a doctors appointment for June though I don't know if I will keep it at least it's on the books. The lady who set up the appointment at the office said a long time ago when she had medicaid they had to declare her dead for some reason because medicaid couldn't correct her name being mispelled in the system. I don't get it. She said she then had to have doctors create written verification that she was alive but with the wrong name in the sytem.
- Set up storage that makes me want to throw my stuff away and I probably will anyhow. Took Maybe eight-ish boxes etc. Required two trips because I didn't jam my car full and it's not that big. Waste of money but whatever. Never done that before. Give them the credit card. Punch the keypad. Open the gate. Get back in car and drive in. Park get some boxes out. Lock car. Do key pad thing again. Go in. Open lock. Go back out to car get more stuff. Lock car again. Click key pad again. Go in. Stack up some dumb boxes and then lock it and get in car drive to exit gate do key pad thing AGAIN to get out. Okay so 1) I still have my car keys AND 2) I have the lock keys. As long as I don't F it up and forget something. I am so disorganized when I am stressed out. Oh, I went to get a cup of coffee, tried to clean out my car, tried to write some notes on a pad of paper. Tossed some junk in the garbage. Went to the hardware store and bought a lock which was the wrong kind so the storage place charged me 3 times as much. Whatever What Fing ever.
Cooked dinner. Was thinking to myself what happened to my plan of not cooking anything this week. Why did I cook pasta? Why did I feel inclined to use it up as if I won't be wasting food anyhow when I clean out the fridge. Doesn't matter but I'm really tired.
It's almost 9 pm maybe I should sleep. OR I should drink a lot of water right now. Stick my headphones on and look for my birth certificate because actually now I just remembered I need to find that. The little grocery store is closed had the thought that really I should just have a beer but meh don't need it anyhow it doesn't feel good in the morning. What am I doing.
I really really hate looking for stuff in boxes. Maybe I hate everything and have to freaking complain about everything. Maybe I am generally just unhappy. Maybe it doesn't matter how I feel about it or anything I still need to do it. It's not a want it's a NEED TO DO.
I don't want to look. I don't want to F with the boxes. I don't have a home office I have random tidbits in boxes. okay okay I'm tired but I'm not tired. If I had a treadmill I would just get on it.
And I just yawn-groaned loudly absent mindedly.
It doesn't matter how I feel. It doesn't matter if I am not in the mood to organize stuff.
I'm just going to do something THE LESS THINKING THE BETTER.
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So, I spent the time looking through my emails which feels like not doing anything at all.
A letter was sent from the state agency to the insurance agency by an attorney apparently.
I mean I got pissed. Anyhow, that is what they get for giving the runaround to an anxious, neurotic, asthmatic.
The insurance company claimed the virtual doctor appointment people didn't have me in their system due to requiring a manual entry for some reason. They had a problem uploading the information. Whatever. I knew there was some internal database problem. The stupid call centers continued to tell me various things about how to do it myself.
I tested a database for medical research long time ago was part of my job. Gawd I get infuriated even now about it.
This is something clients/patients can not fix. Unfortunately the only thing to do is to complain. BLEH.
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An hour and a half later I'm restless, pressurized, I hear rain. I'm feeling like my brain has tunnel vision but idiotic stress kaleidoscope tunnel vision. My sleep is going to be stress sleep too hahahaha Ahhhh yawn oh well time to turn the devices off.
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Ya know, I give pretty good "mommy hugs" for free. Sometimes they help this kind of stress & anxiety to quiet down.
I just hang on and soothe the person until they sigh out that release of tension. You already have the knowledge/skills needed to do what you need to do. You don't need to do or be what anyone else thinks you should. I know you're going to be fine. And the next time it feels "too much"...
well, there's another big hug where that one came from.
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Thanks Skeptikal.
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I managed to go through the five boxes of clothing rapidly. Made the bed and made piles of "dress up/work" and "casual junk." Ended up sticking two boxes of clothing and two boxes of paperwork into the storage place I got. It's more work than it seems like it's going to be to put stuff in storage. Lifting up the boxes, getting in, unlocking, relocking, getting out.
It's probably really insecurities which causes this battle of stuff and issues with making a decision about it.
I didn't throw anything away that would just take too much emotional deliberation right now.
Tired. Felt like I did nothing. Perhaps I should take a nap.
I wouldn't call clothing clutter as it has a purpose though it does feel like I just SHIFTED my clutter to a different location.
Ate some grape candy about an hour ago. Wonder if that is part of why i'm tired. idk
I'm going to nap, then go for a hard walk so I get exercise. And then I guess more freaking cleaning.
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Aww, Amber.
Can I piggyback?
I got those hugs too for you Meh. I'm a cheap date and readily give them.
You deserve them.
I'm so glad our Skep verbalized it so perfectly.
Drink the water. Then sleep.
You'll still be here in the morning.
hugs
Hops
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-- Slept
-- made coffee
-- walked a lot & was pretty out then walked some more
-- more coffee and snacked
-- cleaning, cleaning, I swear this place is very dirty and I don't understand why it requires so much cleaning
-- bleached the vacuum why do I bother idk
-- now it's 4 minutes away from midnight & no matter how much I do it's not enough somehow
Well, whatever. I think the best strategy now is for me to give up on cleaning. That is it. All the cleaning is as done as it's going to get.
Seriously considering a hiatus from cooking. I need to stop it makes too much of a mess.
I'm going to live off of bananas or something.
I never want to wash another dish again I swear. For real whatever I just spent all night doing here it wasn't worth it.
Cleaned out a cabinet. Tossed away some dusty papers.
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I woke up, went to a bakery & got gas, drove around on country roads aimlessly, ended up at a very small art gallery which was nice to see. Then looked at a rental which was pointless because even if I ask people direct questions before ultimately it ends up being different in person but I guess that is okay. At least I explored a different neighborhood I suppose. Deep sigh.
Texted a friend who seems happily immune to being lonely though one never knows.
A bit exhausted and my stomach is a little upset I think.
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Stopped the car to chill. There was an estate sale 1 block away so walked there. Talked to the woman who was hosting it to help her neighbors. I think we talked for at least an hour I have no idea. She told me how much she hates her mother who is in an assisted living facility. Is this the vibe I put off? I didn't even tell her about my relationship with my mother. I have no idea how the topic even came up. I think it was something to do with the residents of the house needing to go to assisted living. I assured her that I understood broken mother-daughter relationships. She acted like she had taken it all in stride and had accepted it long ago and yet she was telling me about it like it was still a fresh annoyance. IDK.
I guess I found my version of NAR-ANON at an estate sale. Who knew?
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You're human Meh. Whatever expectations you have...... they're just chatter and buzz in your brain, IME. Not helpful.
Sometimes you're on and sometimes you're not. Everyone has those moments, 😂 f they're being honest, imo.
Maybe drop the judgments, all of them about everything, and replace it with....
attention to your body, how you're feeling, where you feel it.....
with curiosity above it what's there when the judgments stop.
All you can do is what you can do. Anything beyond that it useless worrying, IME. Again, never helpful to me, but I've done quite a a little t of it.
Not worrying is better. It's also something I pick up and put down, sans perfection and that's ok too.
I think you're accomplishing a lot and it's enough for now, Meh.
You'll decide for yourself, of course, but I see you making new choices and acting.
Gotta respect the effort and discomfort is often catalyst for big change, IME.🪺
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Okay