Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: sKePTiKal on January 31, 2025, 09:31:28 AM
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Yep, finally had a minute to start this year's thread. I posted on the old one, 'coz I was holding down the fort, trying to keep up with my stuff, helping Hol's housesitters through the freezing cold snap, and B with the frenzy of things (new experiences) coming at him at one time.
In one way, it was mentally exhausting. But perfect excuse for me getting in my "long winter's naps". Physically I was doing more too - and that's a good thing. Reining in a bit of my uninibited hedonism, too. No time for it!
Now, my 3x3 post-it "to do" list of my stuff is full. But I'm still checking some stuff off before I add anything else. A lot of times, my "list" consists of things I don't want to forget that I want to do, but right now, that stuff is going to have to wait. Like garden planning. It can wait a week or two.
Like I mentioned on Tupp's thread - I've been dealing a lot with B's internal narrative, relative to him selling a piece of property, having to interact with banks, processing a thousand little things... and of course the doctors.
Which is it's own cluster. New surgeon has already decided based on current imaging that he will not be able to move stimulator leads or implant spinal stimulator. He told Dr. Lee... who did not pass that info on. Dr. Lee is however, trying to acquire a new pump controller which allows B to apply 4 "bumps" of pain relief a day, if needed. So we're driving into the city later in Feb. to see new surgeon for consult on OTHER options for pain relief... even though, B's been thrown by the sudden news that the stimulator is a total no-go for him now. He's had to process that.
Hopefully, ONE of those surgeons can remove the non-functioning stimulator as B has been told (in the past - and maybe it's incorrect) that he is allergic to metal in his body. <shrug - who knows?? he's been told so many dumb things and yet he's still hopeful to find a smart and helpful doc> But it is a problem for him as he's hit that stimulator a number of times, and yeah - it's painful too.
We're now at the point of discussing options outside of insurance and the allopathic medical options. It'll be a long discussion spread over months. I will say, he's not been feeling terribly bad in the current "holding pattern". I'm kind of surprised. Still exploring this, for now. No, I haven't been using any herbal substitutes either. He does have a loratab prescription, recently increased in daily dosage, to deal with the "end of the day" onset of pain symptoms. Stress - like the new experiences he's been thru - DOES increase his pain. Lack of stress and worry decreases symptoms.
And I know a little bit about these psychosomatic (? right word?) interactions... so observing, studying, getting his input for now.
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Bless you both, Amber. B can't seem to catch a break, which makes research outside insurance seem wise, imo.
I hope you're enjoying this gorgeous weather..... yesterday was perfectly windy and mild. Exactly right for putting moss back in place after hurricane.
Hug B for me.
Lighter
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I hope the "bumps" turn out to keep his pain at a level he can live with.
My heart goes out to you both. Severe chronic pain challenges people and those who walk beside them down to their bone marrow, their beliefs, their philosophies, and their deepest selves.
Sending unchanging courage and calm. All in all, it's still nature, that we can learn to walk with or abandon.
This not an easy road for you, Amber, but I hope the path has its beauties.
Hugs
Hops
(Still in devices dilemma but strategizing forward.)
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Since Hol's been back, she's been spending a lot more time at home on her stuff, with C hanging about helping her, too. That's good because B & I have been being homebodies and just getting caught up with the little stuff around here. It gives us a chance to work on our communication styles, teach him some more online stuff, and talk about the big things in digestible chunks.
Last week, there was massive confusion about the appt with Dr. Lee - because their AI sent him a message changing the date & time to way early in the morning. Office called Monday (orig appt), and offered to shift appt time 1/2 an hour, but no way we could've dressed, gotten out the door and navigated our gravel, snowy/icy road to highway and make that time. Turns out - the appt is ONLY required for Dr. to refill prescription. No, he can't just call it in. State law (not our state) mandates an in-person requirement for a Rx that barely helps. I rolled my eyes and muttered some snide comments about bureaucratic idiocy that are the antithesis of "care" all because SOME people abuse the system and narcotics.
We see referral doc way across Va, in the city, on Friday - for alternative options to the stimulator. Since apparently no one is going to take responsibility for changing the leads or removing the device - I asked and got no answer from Dr. Lee. I'll ask the new doc too. That appt MIGHT have to be cancelled; I'm watching the weather forecast closely for a potential snow storm. And we don't have any reason to believe this appt will offer anything useful. ( I DO, do my homework. )
Got the functional sewing side of the studio arranged, I think. There will probaby be little tweaks, as I do work in the space. Got all the fiddly pieces of my project cut out. Just the two main pieces to cut, but I'll have to mark, pin & iron about 20 small pleats, front & back. There's a couple mending projects, too. One summer dress, that needs alterations.
Still thinking about garden situation. There are a couple things that would be easier to manage in raised beds, but will need regular watering. And protection from the varmints. And herbs. And spring brings all it's own "projects". And Hol needs to harvest & process "her" geese that S left behind. Think they're going to be dog food.
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Bless B's soul..... can't wait for him to catch a big dang break! Beyond unacceptable FF's sake!!!
Ahem......
Good luck to Hol with processing S' geese. I'd be tempted to give them reprieves, at a neighbor's farm, but then.... I'm done "processing" animals. My nervous system deserves loving kindness.
Is that something C would help Hold with? Not that she needs help, just say'in.
I stopped blending raw chicken and bones into dog food a while ago.....gack, pink goo😫, no thank you. I still make dog food, but with gently cooked meat, veggies and ground eggshells for calcium and in 9 day batches.
Tell B I'm rooting for him. Maybe reach out to Ranger J again?
Lighter
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This time it's less to do with the crazy insurance situation. It's more what's medically possible, B's refusal to give up seeking the goal of being "made whole" - and just accepting the best compromise we can find. And we are considering EVERYTHING. The neuroscience side of things holds some promise - but as y'all know, that's truly complex. Almost borders on "dark arts" - LOL.
This 4 months or so, he HAS been overall improved pain-wise; noting the exceptionally bad episodes which have lessoned in frequency. My advice to slow down his "to-dos" but still keep doing SOMEthing, seems to be helping. Like it or not, we're both staring down 70 years old. And while we ain't dead, frail, or incompetent yet - we aren't 40 either. There has to be some adjustment to expectations or one is chasing an unrealistic dream. I get that this might be more problematic for a guy who's been exceptionally physically active throughout most of his life. And good at it, too. Emotionally speaking.
I have noticed that working outside - in the garden, cutting wood, etc - has been less taxing on him; aggravates the usual pain centers less. It's the work of those negative ions, I s'pose - like in spring rain. In freshly turned dirt. He enjoys the sun & heat - my nemesis - so he can do a lot more than I can. I'll be pushing a little harder this year though. Strategies.
What neither of us needs, is to face the dangling carrot of "hope" that there is a solution from some doc - which only ends up billing insurance for visits that do nothing more than create the appearance of maintenance "treatment". We got things we'd RATHER spend our time on. And it truly is a time-suck for the "benefit" received. So far, the morphine pump is the best ROI - even without the bolus (extra boost) controller. With that controller, B & I can substitute a TENS unit and simple heating pad for relief from the spasms. Oral narcotics are mostly useless, basically only making him not CARE that it hurts - but also interfering with other more cognitive activities he could pursue. Those are the std tradeoff offered by Docs. And we could probably do the same, with the local primary care doc.
We'll know more after Friday. I plan to make this a REAL consulting appt. and not just a 15 minute "drive thru" visit. Then B & I will ponder and discuss... and maybe he'll choose another path. He's pretty tired of being "owned" by this second master. Trying to boost his autonomy the best way we can figure out.
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Acceptance of physical limitations, after feeling strength and physical competence all his life, will likely bring more peace, but first will come the death of who he's always been.....and what he's always done.
That scatters my brain to contemplate. I wonder who he thinks he'll be, once he accepts the loss. Does he feel he has to earn everything all the time?
Seems sneaking up on that reality, one little death at a time.....
ticking off activities B limits, then gives up .....rather than just writing that list and making it so.....will be less heartbreaking, IME. Less shattering.
I should think the little reliefs, he reaps, will offset the losses....one by one.
I just don't see B accepting the end of whatever hope he's carried and kept alive . He seems the sort to go down swinging, imo.
Accepting brokenness....and limits.... isn't the same as giving up ( just bc it feels that way, IME.)
It seems you're helping him accept trade offs, as maximizing energy, time and joy, rather than viewing them through the lense of loss.
I hope you guys find the most helpful combination, the sooner the better.
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OH LORDY!!
I started breaking out in a rash a couple weeks ago. Thought maybe it was bugs (5 cats in the house) so I washed all the bedding. Rash spread; constantly ITCHES to high heaven. I have a pretty good calendula cream, tried that. Tried almost all my various potions/creams... can't find my bottle of Aloe... but we have plenty of plants. Rash turned in hives...
so I suspected an allergy. But to what? I've used Tide Free & Gentle for over 20 years. I did some searching online and lo and behold the formula changed... and I started seeing fellow sufferers complaining of the same rash, from whatever is in the new formula. I tried benedryl; half a 25mg doesn't affect me but kinda "tones down" the itch. I took a whole pill at bedtime but was hungover all the next day.
Bought Arm & Hammer sensitive skin detergent; rewashed bedding and all the clothes I'd recently washed. NOT HELPING; maybe this detergent uses the same chemical? Next, I'm going to try Dr. Bronner's Sal Suds. Hol swears by it; mostly castile soap. B keeps threatening to take me to the ER, but all they'll do is give me a Rx for a steroid cream... sigh.
So, this morning I broke out the cryptolepis salve. The herbs are infused in olive oil/beeswax to make a vasoline like salve. Cryptolepis is a pretty powerful antibiotic herb; given how much of my skin is broke out, I'm only trying it on a couple places to experiment. Thinking I might have some auto-immune over-reaction to the original irritant... but that hasn't happened to me, since I was 12.
Also drinking my detox tea, trying to boost things INTERNALLY. Just in case.
Do me favor & send me non-itchy good thoughts!
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That sucks, Amber. My oldest DD looked like a huge hive of bees hit her, in areas Tide washed laundry, made skin contact. My niece was visiting and uses Tide. Huge YIKES!
I use ZUM detergent, in various smelling formulas. Seems to work for us. No skin issues and laundry smells yummy.
I'm considering switching to those detergent sheets.....Arm and Hammer makes them, btw.
Hope you heal up soon.
Lighter
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Thanks! I think the cryptolepis is helping... maybe?
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Where did the rash begin? Where is it now?
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OH LORDY!!
I started breaking out in a rash a couple weeks ago. Thought maybe it was bugs (5 cats in the house) so I washed all the bedding. Rash spread; constantly ITCHES to high heaven. I have a pretty good calendula cream, tried that. Tried almost all my various potions/creams... can't find my bottle of Aloe... but we have plenty of plants. Rash turned in hives...
so I suspected an allergy. But to what? I've used Tide Free & Gentle for over 20 years. I did some searching online and lo and behold the formula changed... and I started seeing fellow sufferers complaining of the same rash, from whatever is in the new formula. I tried benedryl; half a 25mg doesn't affect me but kinda "tones down" the itch. I took a whole pill at bedtime but was hungover all the next day.
Bought Arm & Hammer sensitive skin detergent; rewashed bedding and all the clothes I'd recently washed. NOT HELPING; maybe this detergent uses the same chemical? Next, I'm going to try Dr. Bronner's Sal Suds. Hol swears by it; mostly castile soap. B keeps threatening to take me to the ER, but all they'll do is give me a Rx for a steroid cream... sigh.
So, this morning I broke out the cryptolepis salve. The herbs are infused in olive oil/beeswax to make a vasoline like salve. Cryptolepis is a pretty powerful antibiotic herb; given how much of my skin is broke out, I'm only trying it on a couple places to experiment. Thinking I might have some auto-immune over-reaction to the original irritant... but that hasn't happened to me, since I was 12.
Also drinking my detox tea, trying to boost things INTERNALLY. Just in case.
Do me favor & send me non-itchy good thoughts!
Non-itchy thoughts sent! What a nightmare, I hate it when companies change components without warning, it's so hard for people who have allergies and intolerances. I hope the herbs are helping and that you can find a non-itchy alternative.
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Thanks Tupp! I'm still an ugly itchy mess; even sleeping is a challenge. Nothing much is working and there is still stuff that needs to get done.
Hol's contractor friend is here this week. Another hill is getting terraced - this one for fruit trees. Her house is located on a rise, that flows down hill to her pond and the creek in a very large field. They're working well together. So far.
I made them dinner last night; split pea soup and sourdough bread.
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Yikers, Amber, I'm so sorry about your rash/hives, etc.
I've switched to those flat sheets of concentrated detergent. They contain many fewer ingredients than conventional stuff and get the clothes clean. There are a bunch of brands available.
Has it started to clear?
hugs
Hops
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Rash is getting better; I'm more sure than ever this is an over-active autoimmune response to the original irritant.
And out of the blue, B got a call from his home health nurse. She mostly just refills the pump. But part of her job is engaging with people; hearing their stories; making suggestions that could help. She's been around almost as long as we've been in the stimulator doesn't work saga. She had a sit-down with her manager to talk about what they could do to help, since the surgeon isn't really. Manager must be an MD; he/she said they couldn't just leave him in that much pain and they upped his daily morphine dosage. This was yesterday.
Today, he's more agile, moving easier, and even his speaking is clearer. Which is excellent news! Such a blessing from an unexpected source! He had a bit of a "hangover" once the increased dosage took effect, but it's wearing off and he's clearly more painfree today. Hallelujah!!
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That's terrific news, Amber. Any relief for B is long overdue.
Lighter
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Wow, that is beautiful news.
I'm so happy for you both.
Wish they'd opened the morphine valve for him a long time ago,
but ... the world.
Bless that nurse.
How about your Big Itch, is it better or gone?
That sounded like true torment.
hugs
Hops
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Itch is still here; just getting better. Only downside to B's dosage adjustment, is he's sleeping a lot. Fell asleep at 8 last night (about) and he is still sleeping at 8 this morning. His body might be adjusting... we'll see. He reports the pain level dropped about 50%, so that's responsible - no doubt - for his more active & aware presence the past couple of days. With my itch, I definitely relate to how something physical that's constant, can take over one's brain. It is possible to "shut it out" to focus on needed tasks... but it's time-limited and uses more energy.
I'll text nurse on Monday to report observations and thank her for trying to find a way to help, when the docs aren't even trying.
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I'm so glad B's got some relief. Also miffed on his behalf that it's taken this long. But glad it's happened, none the less. Still sending 'bye, bye, itchiness' thoughts your way xx
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I can't imagine what a healing thing it could be to both his body and psyche to sleep 12 hours. Maybe for six months.
He's been tormented by pain for SO long and it's likely harmed his psyche as much as his body.
Morphine was a divine discovery, imo. (Wouldn't say the same for heroin....)
Sleep is a healer I yearn for, so I'm sure I'm projecting that. But it may also be true. Unless he stops breathing, I'd not worry about the sleep. It's a gift.
hugs
Hops
PS Glad the itch is retreating, may it be fully gone soon!
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B says the muscle spasms intensity has been reduced quite a bit. Instead of his legs & feet having a mind of their own, he'll just notice a muscle tightening and loosening... like when guys want to show off a bicep muscle. Important detail is that he only has real feeling in his legs and feet, to about mid-thigh.
Also, I'm having a hard time getting Hol to accept a basic fact of how morphine pumps work. There isn't any psychotropic effect per se; it's directed into the spinal column to soothe the nerves that are agitated & read by the brain as pain.
It is really amazing how positively this small change has helped. He's working at building up his stamina, strength & muscle again by cutting up some downed trees & splitting firewood (for next year). It is repetitive, and I have a wood splitter, so it's not like he's swinging an axe but he put in close to 8 hrs yesterday - with breaks.
Every thing about his presence is clearer and brighter. That is a total relief.
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Relief for B flipped through my stomach, along with the "feelings to mid thigh" and "hours of wood splitting."
The idea of B sleeping 12 hours, at a go....
as Hops said.... it's much needed healing and recovery time, yup yup yup.
I bet B is so happy to be busy busy. It's a beautiful time of year to work outdoors. Fills me with warmth to picture him engaged and feeling like himself again.
Try not to scratch, Amber.
Lighter
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It appears that the dosage change is definitely a more permanent solution to no stimulator than the oral Rx. B is doing really well and I won't worry (as much) about his long long drive south on Monday.
So, as is usual in life, I'm shifting the caretaking to Hol. She & C had a major blow-up a week or so ago. They've gone to their separate corners, but are still talking somewhat. What shows up clearly is C has some serious issues that make him even more volatile that Hol is. We've tried guessing what those issues are... but to no solid conclusions or even clues. He has to tell his story.
I'm not comfortable having that energy around here. And there's the aspect of ticking timebomb to watch for, more uneasiness. He has apologized, and I'd imagine pretty embarrassed. So, Hol is keeping a pretty cool head through all of this; trying to hold compassion; knows she didn't do anything wrong or to upset him. She's still hurt; but she's even handling that pretty well. I did sit with her the first day. Let her spew everything going thru her head without commenting (much). That's the kind of thoughts that - if she keeps them to herself - torment her into downward spirals, emotionally.
She did mention recently, that she's being drawn to writing again. (If she ever sits down!) She and her landscaping friend worked all last week, and will again this coming week. She has been remodelling a new space to become her sewing & leather studio. That work is about done... then the big move happens. Since S has moved (mostly) out, she's been trying to make more space in her small-ish house and make it more functional. I have the same thing to do downstairs, as the time when B is completely moved in is getting closer. I've started to crave some redecoration in the living room as well - but this does work for us, for now.
And B and I are getting ready to transition into the "other kind" of relationship we have - the text buddies. And I need to focus on my garden pretty soon; I've waiting long enough on the weather to stop being bi-polar. Doing my things, myself... and in my own time... not waiting for someone else to get his part done or accomodating HIS schedule. I'm not complaining, here. It's just a fact of life of living with another person. The plus side of that, far outweighs all the little "sacrifices" that require some patience.
No idea how the C saga is going to turn out. As long as she can adjust to a new situation, I can watch from afar. But she has shattered in the past, so I'm watchful.
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I despise being held hostage to emotionally distregulated people's outbursts/consistent whining or irrational yanking everyone's carts off the rails, just bc. My face snarles up just thinking about it
And....I realize....I no longer care why they do it. It gets a glance, and my mind's made up. Nope.
Sorry Hol is dealing with some version of "volatile" relationship, and presumably, hoping to figure it out, change it or, always my past favorite, heal it.
I really wanted her to enjoy being peacefully busy with C.....a team.
You didn't mention the itching, so hopefully it's about over.
If you're enjoying similar weather, it's balmy, moist and greening up where you are. Can't wait to follow your garden journey. The decorating interests me too!
Good luck to B on his drive and finishing old business. Let me know if he needs a bonfire and cord cutting ceremony. We'll set him up; )
Lighter
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I think B is more self-reliant/resilient than a lot of people! He'll be fine.
If we're sharing the contents of our "least favorite things" list... the thing that chaps my grits recently is the insistence by SOME PEOPLE, that all the people around them MUST agree with them on (pick a topic) and that we MUST see it all the same way OR....
we're invalidating them... or
we're the enemy.
All facts & evidence to the contrary.
I'm glad I figured out being "hermit" already.
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We put a $100 fine jar in place, for those who bring up topics no one will ever agree on.
Maybe try that?
Lighter
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Well, Hol is working her own path. And lately, that's taken her away from here for shorter trips. One way to alleviate the head-butting sometimes. And with B gone too, till June, lets me build the evidence that I'm not senile, frail, or totally unmotivated... so that the next time I say: "I don't WANT any help, I want to do it my way, in my own time"... she'll back off.
But in common, we're both elbows deep in planting season. The land-forming that her friend has done at her place, has let her expand & plan to further expand planting spaces. My garden is prepped to minimize the weeding this year... seeds started... raised beds built, place & filled... and I'm moving on to the herb beds. Mowing is the next chore to begin again... with pruning, continuing to remove trees for winter wood & firebreaks... and the ongoing organization of space, with B moving in.
When it turns consistently hot, I'll be in the studio (in a/c) sewing. Something... don't know what yet. I've got maybe another two weeks of warm but not hot weather to do some more of my own work around here outside.
It's been very nice to have my solitude back. My creativity is waking up again and my senses are sharper. Able to process what's around me better. The herbs I planted last year, have mostly survived the long winter. I lost a clump of bee balm to the drought; the artemisia died back - I thought - but it looks to be rejuvenating itself. The lavender grossos survived; they need more soil, but that's on the list. I have a new batch of seedlings to go in, too. This year - I've added about twice as much soil as I did last year. It's truly needed. Exciting to see that the marshmallow and Elecampane have made it!
I'll probably start some more feverfew later on... a few other things. Mullein is native here and I have two sizable patches growing to harvest already. Adding elderberry this year. I should FINALLY be at a place, where I can start adding some spring bulbs and more flowers. The dahlias I saw at the nursery on Hol's & my expedition were calling to me. It "feels" like we might be reaching a plateau with projects around here and designs/layout. I still need to address the issue of an elevator, but a) the contractors are under stress this year and b) I need to make sure my design ideas are FUNCTIONAL and c) we still have plenty to do, to finish other projects.
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Hi, Amber:
I love reading about the herbs, and gardens! Also, the sewing intrigues me.
I'm picturing you stating/holding boundaries, in every direction, with zero charge or drama.....just calm assurance, and knowing.
Good luck on the construction end, particularly if contractor is out of sorts.
How's B doing?
Lighter
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He's busy; the morphine increase seems to manage the muscle spasms pretty well. He is facing years of pack-rat "maybe I'll need this someday" piles and dealing with it there, rather than here. He's closing multiple chapters of his previous lives before finally settling in here. Altho, given the last visit was 6 months, he was pretty danged comfortable.
We touch base daily while he's away - but basically we both do our own thing independently.
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Spring is being leisurely and hanging around for a whole season (instead of 2 weeks) this year. It's been really pretty, if on the cool side - but that's IDEAL for me to get some work done! Bugs haven't sprung up yet. Now, if the pollen would just get it over with... pine pollen is still yet to come and that might knock me down awhile. Don't know yet. I need to get some more children's claritin; the adult dosage knocks me out just like benedryl.
Almost all the herbs are planted; I still have a lot of clean up/ transplanting etc to do there. Too early to plant much in the big garden - and I'm not sure I'm strong enough yet to manhandle the tiller.
Hol & C got the structural redo of the studio powder room done last week. We finally have a vanity IN the bathroom, instead of outside of it! Plumbing has moved, new lighting, drywall - and two of the walls are painted in the same peachy pink as the rest of the room. After painting the trim today, I'm hanging a large-scale, black & white line art wallpaper. It's an intertwining pattern of roses & skulls; a bit of homage to Hol's previous life as a tattoo artist. I believe the paint will help the roses "read" pink - won't know till it's up. And I'm starting to look at art now... Aubrey Beardsley, Arthur Rackham, Maurice Sendak... "of" the era but not the familiar poster images of the big guys like Mucha. I'm also looking at new artists... just looking so far.
Hol will be taking off this evening to go help C with the house he's rehabbing through the weekend. I'll have my good buddy Knuckles for company. And all the kitties. They are healed up enough that I can start exposing them to the outdoors. Lucy might take to it; Pickles is almost too much my velcro cat and a scaredy cat... to want to be out much. But she does play and run vigorously with Lucy. Whatever - they're cats; they'll find their own level of interaction. They're big enough now (tho still small kitties) to take care of themselves. And they have the 3 big boys to mentor them, take them on tours of the best hunting grounds and where the nightly patrols go to "guard mommy". LOL. Freddy is still the general and most times can be found occupying B's porch chair, napping but he will take a patrol or two in inclement weather. Doesn't bother him like it does the other boys.
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Enjoy your brief solitude, you've earned it over and over!
The happy art hunt caught my attention because when I was selling everything I could to increase my down payment, one thing was a very old edition of a book illustrated by Rackham, with those loose (except at one end) color plates in it.
I have in my bedroom a limited edition Sendak print that he inscribed for me and signed when he visited the University for something. That was exciting. It's the lion indoors near a door, looking back over his shoulder at the viewer with a small white dog by his side. From Where the Wild Things are. I also got a wonderful kitchen scene with chefs and tools he did but believe my ex wound up with it.
That bathroom sounds beautiful. Maybe except for skulls, but I lack the happy associations with those that tattoo artists understand. And what a cool thing to create with Hol in mind.
Enjoy the kid-free, other-people free time, and those fabulous kitties. Kuckles too. Wish I knew what he looks like, since I am dawg obsessed.
hugs
Hop
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Knuckles is white with pink skin; tannish brown spots - like a beagle almost. And under the white hair which is really thin, he has grayish black spots - like a dalmation. Big ole pitbull head & pretty broad chest - but he's really a medium sized dog compare to Kiri. She has the height and size of her setter & pyrenees parents. A formidable guardian dog - pyrenees have killed wolves & coyotes to protect their flocks, herds or children charges. Knuckles is just everyone's friend and playful and cuddly. He hasn't faired too well trying to make friends with wildlife...
A friend of Hol's found him as a puppy living on the street in Baltimore. It had been about a year since she lost her border collie and Ghengis - another lovable but giant pitbull. So I've watched Knucks grow up, he is the epitome of the gentleman ambassador for the canine species! Hol went out of her way to train him to verbal commands and to make him feel safe... so except for a little food aggression/protectiveness he's become a sweetheart. When he was in his running/chasing phase as a puppy, I'd call him back with an old Swiss cowbell - it rings loud and clear and a pretty high tone. Now, I just have to call him.
He has highly developed empathic ability for a dog. And will ask when he needs snuggles too. No trouble at all for me to take care of while she's out gallivanting - and given the improvement in her mental state, attitude, and emotional stability lately I think she's dropping some of the "over" part of over-responsibility. We're both happier as a result.
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Awwww, wish I could hug him. A pitbull prince--I've watched a zillion pitbull rescue stories (Pitbulls and Parolees for one). Howdy, Knuckles! Lucky boy.
And y'all are superb at dog-naming, btw. GENGHIS? Hilarious.
Pup's name basically means, "I'm bigger than you think I am." Makes people laugh. He arrived as Thor so the rescue lady had major ambitions for him, I think. Hey, 14 pounds is very respectable and when he does his Rin Tin Tin imitation on my knees, I sure feel it!
The freaking autocorrect typed "pitfalls" instead of "pitBULLs." Wrong wrong wrong! I know most of them are perfect nannies, love bugs and goofballs. Exactly perfect. And I love the way you describe and appreciate him.
hugs
Hops
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I'd much rather have the instinctive cooperation of an animal, than teach it only to repond to commands. Yeah, sometimes it's necessary...
Hol doesn't see things that way. It's OK. Between the two approaches he's become well rounded. I don't do too well with names - Hol named her buddies. One of her kitties is "Sassafras" - and she is a ferocious one! B named Pickles, after I flailed around trying on different monikers. Lucy was easy... Stinker was self-naming - LOL.
Wish me well - today's challenge is hanging wallpaper in the studio powder room. I claimed "knowing how to do this" and Hol stepped back and said "it's all yours!" LOLOLOL. It's too fiddly for her, I think. I want to get it done, so she doesn't watch me paste myself in the process.... a person need 8 hands unless they're amazingly lucky.
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We'll, it'll be interesting for B to come home and find you mummified in gorgeous wallpaper...
GOOD LUCK!
hugs
Hops
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I'm getting the steamer out....removing wallpaper. Good luck with putting it up, Amber.
Did you guys feel that earthquake?
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NO, but if I was asleep it prolly wouldn't awaken me.
Years back we had a significant one...it shook the building I was in and made little waves in the parking lot. Really scary sensation to stand on gently rolling pavement but although a few buildings collapsed in a little town east of here, no deaths thankfully.
One reason that although I love visiting California, I'd skip living there.
What does a mountain feel like in an earthquake? Any trees down?
hugs
Hops
PS Agnostic thought of the day: If there is a heaven, it's probably a private club I can't afford.
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I hear it was a 4.something and was felt from Atlanta to Knoxville, but there's also a comment on a local forum about feeling it. Guess I slept through it this time.
shudder, etc--
Hops
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I thought something fell on the roof l, then I thought a train was rumbling next to the house, then my brain said that wasn't possible so I stood to go see if a helicopter was trying to land on the house and it stopped.
The roof, mainly was making noise.... tinkling of glass.
My sister thought I was shaking her bed. DD22 thought a ghost was shaking her bed and lamps. DD24 knew what it was immediately, across town, and they lost power 4 times at her workplace.
I haven't seen more trees down than normal.
I bet Amber felt it.
Lighter
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Nope, didn't feel a thing! Up here there's so much bedrock that we would rarely notice. I get a weird disorientation when earthquakes happen - I was in Kitty Hawk, when that one in Central Va hit - and I thought there was something wrong with me!
I have survived the trial of matching skulls & roses in a 5x8 bathroom with a big vanity across the back wall. I'm opting for "feature wall" now... and in a bit, Knuckles & I will go back out and I'll paint the wall opposite the paper.
Looking back at yesterday, I think I revisited "the zone" while papering. Took my time sorting out prep... picking out music... planning... and then just doing. By the time I remembered I hadn't eaten or had anything much to drink... Knuckles let his needs be known. I keep some snacks out there and the fridge is stocked with plenty to drink... but I was workin'. Knuckles has some treats there.
That's more my style of working - getting all organized first, with room to work - than Hol's just dive in and then have to locate supplies, tools, etc. That's a great approach for demo, but not so much for "creation". But she does good work with a total swirl of bits & bobs, piles on top of tools, etc when she's designing... it's just not my process. AND my process is solitary - I'm used to spending hours, most of a day alone working.
It'll take half an hour to paint this wall. Then I can spend the day shopping online for appropriate art prints. I have a couple of small erotic art prints... one is framed; the image is 1x2". But I'm looking for Fin de Siecle posters, small prints, a collection of things. The illustrations I mentioned previously. And not just for the bathroom. Gertrude Stein style salons are something we use the studio for, from time to time. Out here in the boonies of WV, with little to no perception of the "outside world" there will be gatherings of Amazons - some well behaved men allowed - where we empty out our heads, support each other, lead, push, guide, and laugh at everything including ourselves - and continue the ancient traditions.
Sometimes it's a sad time, sometimes it's warm & happy, sometimes it's hard - and easy times too. Just depends on what people are bringing with them. When I moved in, this room was already an art studio. BUT, it was all one color of what can only be called "dirty white", it was hot in summer, cold in winter, and the overall ambiance was dreary and institutional - no matter how much Hol & I tried to dress it up. We've mostly fixed that. And there are still ongoing decisions.
I have a couple of solid oak bookcases (Costco, no less, back in the "old days" of the early '00s.) And I have pared down the library to some classics, my gardening, sewing & art reference books - some Whole Earth catalogs & homesteading references - and Hol doesn't like the bookcases because they're tall (and extremely heavy). That wall space would be better used with art, she believes. I can't part with the bookcases, mostly because it's almost impossible to find solid wood furniture these days. But, I did get a couple low shelves to provide a home for Micheal's album collection (it's huge; the Zappa section crosses over two cubbies). And I see her point of view about how the height is closing in the room. There are windows at waist height all the way around and even though the bookcases are between two windows... the vertical height DOES read like a stop sign. So I imagine that over time, there will be ongoing changes & upgrades in there.
We still have a lot of tools and supplies in that room, and it's hiding the custom cabinets I had built. Boy do they suck up and keep safe a LOT of fabric! Maybe I could retain the same cabinet maker to solve the bookcase issue? I'll think on that.
Looks like we're going to get a lot more rain next week - so gardening might have to happen between raindrops! But at least we'll be done in the studio except for "arranging" and cleaning.
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Oh, gardening, in the rain......is easy digging!!!
I'm trying to muster up the energy, and will, to release clothes, bags of "useful" things and things I can replace, if needed.
Just to clear up space.....
and it's really hard🫨
I know I'll feel better. I know it'll be ok....but.... it's tough to get started....make the plan, the go, IME.
You sound like you're making progress, Amber. It makes me want to jump in and make decisions on book cases, armoire and beds.....again.
And maybe have a big wall mural/landscape painted, by the girls.
Love the idea of safe Amazon processing spaces, Amber.
Lighter
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The Amazon processing idea, obviously started here on the board. But the manifestation of it here, happened with Hol's moving here. I know most of her friends. And as Hol processed the how/why/what could've been done differently of her relationships she leaned heavily on those ladies. I am only one person with my experiences and I don't have some secret wise woman teaching to impart... just the things I've learned.
Several of her closer friends have lost their moms. I've served as a substitute they could borrow; one lost her partner to cancer on top of that while I was still grieving Mike... and we had a long, middle of the night confessional comparing notes and laughing about some of our anger fits in the middle of grieving.
There's no "schedule"; it seems to be emotional critical mass that "makes it so". And it might just be a phase - we'll see. But there is another planned for June; Hol's oldest step-sister will be coming, prompting Hol to invite Amy... and their old friend from HS who will try to persuade another old friend to join up with them, and the other ladies. Amy's presence can make mine problematic, so I don't count on my participation being welcome. We'll wing it. There is enough space here for people to move in various zones and not interact.
Yeah, I thought I'd done the bulk of the work of clearing out; purging FINALLY when we got into redecorating the studio. There are still some piles of things I haven't dealt with. I'm not sure what the attachment is... so I might address that while she's gone. Then, there's B moving in... and sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in "stuff" again. His "stuff" is useful - sometimes. I just keep reminding myself it could be worse - he's getting shed of a lot of stuff down south and not even moving it. I didn't have enough time, even in a year, with help, to accomplish that.
I think over time, our needs and preferences change; our aesthetic changes too. So that's why we find ourselves "recycling" the things surrounding us.
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One of my favorite ideas about purging stuff is just cobbled together from a combo of books I read about simplicity, frugality and minimalism.
If I think of the excess stuff as like the trickle of electricity that goes nonstop to feed unnecessary power eaters (always-on appliances, etc)....it adds waste, distracts me from being present, hurts the planet, threatens landfill, etc etc. I didn't put this clearly at all, but it's thinking of the mental weight of too much physical stuff as a nonstop drain on my vital energy. Unseen and unconscious but always on.
Somebody who described it MUCH better said that even stuff you MIGHT use again one day is subconsciously on your mind. (You know you're responsible for caring for it, at some level, so there's even a charge of guilt for having too much). Impedes clarity and reduces openness to the present and its presences. Trickling away. Made sense to me.
One day when I was repeating my moan about paperwork chaos for the umpteenth time, a friend said, "Do you ever think about just throwing it all away?" I laughed then but these days, I wonder. Victor Frankl asked, what's the worst that could happen? Then really conjure it up, and ask yourself: what are my choices in that moment? Extrapolate: what are my choices now?
The other idea about it, at the consuming end, is always pausing to consider need versus want (or craving). That one's pretty easy for me. Tight income and hate to shop. Ta da.
The motivating part is freedom. I do feel so much more free when I have more openness and simplicity around me, visually. I even think my favorite goblin, ADHD, is greatly affected by visual clutter. Not because I'm tasteful or talented (though at my best, I think I've got an interesting and joyful style) -- but because I feel so happy even just visualizing a place that combines serenity and joy. Open areas, color embraced in every direction.
My favorites on walls: a soft blue called Uplift (Sherwin Wms or Behr, I forget) in bedroom, a deep dill green on wall behind piano, the soft warm gray in LR, outer kitchen, and back "big room", and even the strange Caucasian-flesh-Crayon one I had mixed for the rest of the kitchen. Kind of peach without the blush in it. The outside of the house is a soft gray-green, with a happy-bright blue front door.
Time for me to stop visualizing and start filling those bags. After I get the rest of the annuals in planters, etc. Biggest obstacle to that is my back, natch. Need a new hose and I'm going to get one of those ultra-light stretchy ones. 200 feet for the veggie beds, and it'll come around back of house to reach patio planters too.
hugs
Hops
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Clutter wears on me, day to day. When that stretches to weeks - I take action. I used to have a twinge of guilt when it was "otheer people's clutter", but no more. I will ASK first and if it remains I start dealing with it. B's "I was gonna get that" tells me that he doesn't even notice it; I just tell him I got there first. Some people don't have the same low threshold for clutter, that I do. And when my life elsewhere is more stressful - clutter anxiety tolerance drops even lower. It's something I CAN control, ya know?
I was thinking about this in the studio with Knuckles. Half of one bookcase are my collection of art books (the other half is gardening related) - from the 80s till now. Impressionists, printmakers, Wyeth, Odion Redon (I have a soft spot for surrealists). The main reason I have them is to study how the images "speak", create a message, provide meaning. Why in the world do I still have these? They're oversized; I've moved 'em at LEAST 3 times in my life; it's not like "my work" depends on having instant access to them power & internet be damned... because I'm NOT working. That's not who I am anymore; at least during this "present moment" of time. There's a cupboard full of various art supplies & brushes - some of them still usable from the 80's... or earlier. A caddy of paint.
Is it a status thing? It is entertainment when there's discussion of various "art" topics? How long has it been since I discussed "art" with anyone? And how serious was the discussion?
No. No, I think "art" was something that served several purposes for me before T helped me unravel some of the frustrating aspects of being me. It allowed me long stretches of solitude, private time, uninterrupted as I "created"... people respected that space. That gave me long stretches to process things and think long & deeply about various "puzzles". It helped me have a definable "identity" - an ego, is another way to put it. And it was FUN pushing that, playing with it. Nowadays, it's not so much fun for me. I could take it or leave it. I'm being creative in OTHER WAYS. And after studying & thinking & dreaming about "images" and how they can/could contain meaning...
I've come to the conclusion that all "images" are simply code; like mandalas that symbolize certain emotions, experiences, truths (or lies), thoughts that repel magnetically from various "givens" or expectations. Like hieroglyphics or celtic knotwork... it's a form of language that isn't saying anything esoterically important; it's mundane stuff like "remember to wash your hands", pick up your socks, and be kind to other people.
It's a rainy day - all day today. Knuckles has gone home so there isn't the activity of the critters around me anymore. I started some feverfew yesterday for B's headaches, since last year's died thirsty. I have hot peppers to crush up and carpet to wash. Cobweb's to police. I have grocery run and a couple more errands... then, who knows?
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Feels to me as though you also embrace the art of thinking: being present with your own mind, respecting and valuing your own thought, and it's beautiful that you do.
The outer bits, a la mebbe more books than you need to keep, are just a fulcrum to what you want to get to.
I think you live a very realized life, Amber. And nobody, EVER, lives a completely realized life. What's super neat about you is how close to come to it.
hugs and admiration,
Hops
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HA! You wouldn't think so listening to all of Hol's lectures to me about how I need to do X, Y or Z. My opinion is that once I stopped chasing after trying to make myself into whatever the goal of the moment was... it all just fell into place for me. She'll occasionally have a moment of self-awareness and mention that we are VERY different people. No shit Sherlock. AND I have 20 years more practice at everything too. Of course my priorities shift around - my perspective changes with that much more lived experience. Things that were once my obsession have faded in importance in my life and are no longer obstacles or issues to me.
It's ironic to watch her declaim in the MOST opinionated, sometimes biased way... how tolerant she is, open-minded, free thinking... I just keep my mouth shut, because I know life has a way of teaching those lessons that are way more effective than just me warning her.
How about you Hops? Are you content and reasonably happy with your current life? Sounds like you're still keeping a hand in with gardening, you have Pup for companionship - reliable assistance for the things that are important and loads more activity involving people than I'd be comfortable with. How's the writing going?
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Well, I'm glad I waited to start my seeds till April. This month has been MOSTLY cooler than normal years. Our overnight temps have been in the low 40s and I really should've built a small fire in the woodstove. Temps like this are borderline too cool to plant out - herbs are OK, though. We've had enough rain to counter last summer's drought... so much so, that I need to till garden again. After I cut the weeds back.
I needn't have worried about it getting hot soon and waking up the bugs. AC is on - but hasn't been running.
The heat would be. We'll barely see 70 for the next 10 days.
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Amber, I dread the buggy, sticky heat if summer, I really do.
I'm glad you're enjoying the cooler days. Glad you're getting things done.
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Couple more weeks, B will be back. Only to return again shortly and FINISH his move. That's the big news.
The weather and various sundry other projects are interfering yet again, with this year's garden. It's been cool & rainy; to the point I mentioned I might be making a batch of chili today. (High 61) I am trying to organize spaces in the house, to make room for B and his "stuff" - which has been severely thinned down.
That entailed taking a couple fine days (garden isn't tilled to plant) to burn cardboard & a year's worth of magazines I'd collected. On a couple days a week, I do have opportunity to recycle - BUT - I have been told in the past that when the recycler is full-up, it either gets burned or goes to the landfill anyway. I still smell like smoke especially from the glossy catalog paper. Next rainy spell, I'll dig around and try to find how to cancel the catalogs. Again. Seed catalogs aren't too bad; I usually only get 1 a year.
I've mentioned a friend of Hol's who runs a land development company; he's been coming out to work as much as he can - he needs the money, since he can't get people to work for him. And we're getting things that need to be done; DONE and "off the list". Like mulching several problematic Virginia Pine "reservations". Cleaning the ditches to prevent run-off damage to the road/driveway. Creating additional drainage at Hol's. We'll probably use him, as much as possible over the summer/fall. He has other paying jobs, but this work is getting us much closer to the desire "infrastructure" plateau or goal we've been looking for.
C is here again this weekend. We have some last bits to finish up in the studio and tools to put away. Choosing positions for artwork; soon to hang. We are discussing replacing the current bookshelves with custom made versions to match my work cabinets. We still have ceiling (quadriphonic) speakers to hang for the ever present music in that room. Waiting on cell signal booster to help with streaming music (studio is maybe 50 ft lower than the house on the hill/cliff). Hol is quite set on making things work - if at all possible - with C. I'm just getting out of her way, unless something physical happens. Neither of us are fans of that crap. And B's means of dealing with it are "extreme", so he defers to my decision.
The rain and cool temps are certainly making everything happy. Mountain Laurel is blooming now. And Mother Nature is doing her "take over everything in sight" thing. There are hundreds of jobs around here, to keep all of us busy for quite some time. So much so, I've been entertaining the idea of a "tenant farmer" to help. God forbid we ever add animals (beyond the 6 geese that were left here - and we're not fond of them either. Eggs are rare; they're mostly ganders.) I'm on day 2 of recovery from the burning session and should be A-OK tomorrow. It was a lot of bending and twisting and my pile of stuff was TOO BIG. It's been windy a lot... and last year's fire warnings was enough to make me over-cautious.
So it's housework for a bit. Deep cleaning things I haven't touched in awhile. Like my enameled dutch oven. It gets a workout all winter. And here comes the rain again. Time to let weather-shy kitties in.
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Lots of nasty chemicals in glossy catalogs...might be risky to be near that smoke, imo. (When I headed up a publishing dept I learned more than I wanted to from the art dept. about inks, but you as an artist probably learned way more than that.)
Your whole operation sounds amazing. Wish I could see it one day.
hugs
Hops
PS I'm happy B is actually getting moved! Hope he's still feeling less pain.
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So far, so good Hops. He has recently seen for himself how his emotional state impacts the level of pain, so that's a win in my book. I'd mentioned noticing it for awhile - which he wouldn't look at seriously. He already knows the basics about staying calm... so I'll just need to help him figure out ways to calmly state the facts (as he feels them) about how he personally, has been treated by the medical profession, VA, etc. Without being IN the emotion... tricky that; and not that I'm a black belt at it.
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Go, Amber and B! This is a big milestone, for sure.
Regarding, Hol's patterns in relationships, if there are such things....does the term limerence make any sense?
Lighter
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20 years ago, it MIGHT have. But she's way more grounded than that - and pragmatic - these days. Plus she's always been more than a tad picky and had a high bar of standards for reciprocity. Hasn't always had the boundaries or ability to see maniipulative techniques... but I do think she's conquered that in the last decade. Enough so to protect herself.
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Back to B for a moment. Was just watching YouTube wonderful videos: journeys, life changes, homesteading stuff, you name it...and thought how good it could be to invite B to Tell That Story (the whole damn thing) on video. Yes, I'm fixing things that ain't broke...
As to Hol, I LOVE this description of how she is and considers relationships. Some kind of wise tiger woman must have raised her, even if in parallel.
hugs
Hops
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Yeah, no on the video. His friends and I have suggested this and the media to him in the past. A.) it jeopdardizes what little he can depend on right now and B.) no one will believe him - just accuse him of having a grudge, being paranoid & negative. I've finally got him on a "third path" and it's helping, in practical ways. Plus, rejection of his story is the main trigger that really DOES evoke feelings of paranoia, being singled out for SOME reason, and negativity - which then, spikes his pain. Mr. Big Strong Guy that can move mountains... has a very sensitive inner belly. LOL. Even though he has Rhino skin.
Hol has been, remains, and most likely will continue to be a "force of nature". I am the first to say, that she made her self - I didn't have much to do with that. Just was around as a resource. I'm finally seeing some softening around her edges, some slowing down and pacing herself. Not QUITE as driven to prove herself as she used to be. I think Cody and I might be able to team up to encourage her to write again. We'll see. It has to be surreptitious encouragement, because she'll immediately stand firm and say she's already "doing" enough. Just point out the door over there... as an option... if she so chooses.
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Happy Solstice.
So, Hol's "sister & friends" reunion is underway. The landscaper friend was here all week - but staying at our place so he can sleep, talking with B - who is still unpacking, and tonight is the big shindig and slumber party. So it's been and is going to be a zoo. C may be coming for dinner with his friend Sunday, when B & I are expected to put in an appearance with whomever is still here. I'm also expected to hang out with the girls today/this evening. We'll see. It's going to be 90+ degrees today and that will guarantee I'm out of commission for awhile. But B and I only had our first time alone yesterday afternoon. Then, crashed early.
Finally got the last of the garden in; it's a total weed fest out there and needs mowing and trimming. Our farm assistance (afore-mentioned Hol friend) trimmed a lot of the brush at the creek bank, so that feels less "close" now. And it doesn't give the deer a place to hide anymore. I swear it's rained for a month, daily. And now abominably hot and dry. I just can't win with the weather. But it seems like we didn't have much of a no-see-um hatch and not many skeeters either. Yet. Just got a half dozen more herbs to flesh out that garden (it's got more shade).
Been feeling over-run with people. Of course, Hol has been looking forward to this and busting butt to make it perfect. So much so, that when her first guest - her older half sister - got here, she kinda had a super late night and super-Hol meltdown. Her friend staying with me, told me the next day. B and I got out of there at a reasonable time. Our "excuse" is we're old folks and just can't function without sleep or hungover or emotionally drained... because Hol always needs to spew whatever the pop-psych analysis of everyone and herself is current and make everyone uncomfortable. Sigh. Attention, I guess, is still a need for her.
Anxiety, exhaustion, lack of sleep, and wanting to be important & the center of attention is bad for her. But far be it from me to open my mouth. I'll be made an example of "wrong, wrong, wrong". Maybe her older sister lectured her. I'm just keeping my distance for the weekend and hoping the rest of those women playing & having fun will satisfy whatever she's craving. She's getting too old for this crap.
I'm already there!
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Wise moves, Amber. Getting out of there early and prioritizing your self care. Sorry H is struggling to find what she needs, but I bet underneath the performance she reallyl has made progress. Only she will know, and that'll be years and years from now.
*One thing I wanted to offer a tiny and respectful quibble about...I'd query yourself why it's appropriate for you and C to pressure (or subtly "encourage") Hol to write. From the inside of the wire, I'd say it's the same as a mother dropping subtle hints about weight or some other deep change.
As a writer, I've often been urged to publish. Nothing alienates me faster than anybody pushing me to do that sacred, fragile, and profoundly intimate thing faster than I feel like it. For me, the most welcome space would be with fellow writers who accept what's on the page and mostly (not always) save the tedious focus on recognition (publication) for their own brains. I'll do it when and if I want to (in fact am sending one out to Passager, a good journal) and not a second before.
So I'd advise that no amount of clever or subtle "suggestion" will be missed. It'll register in a negative way, imo.
*[next morning: AAAAaaaaannnnnnd....woke up this a.m. thinking, I'll ramble over to VESMB, and it hit me right in the sleepy face about how I -- MOI! -- used to everything short of NAG you to do Amber art again. Ahem. Bustiered. Heist on me own petard. Etc.]
Forgive me for the outspokenness. Please. I'm sure I could've conveyed this opinion more artfully but don't have the energy in this heat. And with an exhausted mid-move houseguest.
hugs
Hops
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I was wondering how things were, with you, Amber.
So glad the garden's in. Makes me happy to read about your herbs, it's does. Pleased to read, you have time with B, again.
As for Hol's meltdown.....I don't think it matters what "caused"it. No one can control the outbursts , IME. Not saying you believe otherwise. Just say'in.
The question is..... what's creating the reactivity?
Does Hol know? Is she comfortable with it? Would she like it to change?
Sometimes my niece talks about her reactivity...can be explosive/stop everything and everyone. She identifies the same in her mother. She understands something is askew, talks about anger......towards both parents. She understands she has issues, but hasn't (to my knowledge) gotten beyond blame and anger. Yet.
Please excuse this unsolicited input, if not helpful or applicable. I'm feeling a bit melancholy, at the lake.....it feels like my 22yo DD, and niece's, little wounded child spirit's are in the house, with me, today.
For me.....when they're lashing out, melting down, I know.....there was trauma done to them, maybe not always on my watch, maybe not always in my presence, but I knew about much of the harm/had to allow it, in some cases.
They'll both have to find, and heal, their wounded parts....save them....if they can.
I think about that, and have to manage my emotions around it. Sit with the anger, and blame, till what's beneath comes through. Sadness, mostly.
Lighter
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No worries Hops. I'm not suggesting she publish. More journaling - to put the things she's angry about OUT of herself, where she can analyze to heart's content (with herself) and put it safely to rest. (Lighter - that might cool the reactivity, also.)
Things were OK last night. I did have some days of anxiety over Amy being here. But needlessly. There were just enough guys around (3) to chill some of the energy out. The oldest half-sister Jen, is also level headed and a rock. They've had fun. Dogs have gotten along. No one needed first aid, ER, or a vet. Things get back to normal today.
C is here for a day or two, so she'll have her favorite company. And B and I will be done with appts. today and can chill. Except for things around here.
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Duh, of course. Journaling! That IS a brilliant suggestion for Hol. Maybe giving her a gorgeous blank one next gift-giving holiday. Boy did I make that all about MEEEEE....
Glad things went safely with all the peeps, particularly Amy. Older is soberer, I hope?
Lighter, your last two lines hit my chest. I'm sorry for the sorrow and hope it eases.
The world on fire is what's preoccupying me right now, trying to distract. Pup helps.
hugs
Hops
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Oh, I blabber on about mental health and suggestions.....
every single time, karma rises to remind me....I should focus on telling my own self😉
Lordy, what a weekend.....and the heat pressurized everything and made me pink.
Lighter
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The heat is positively brutal! I'm hiding from it until it breaks, later in the week. Yes, it takes a toll on people as they struggle to do what needs to be done, in it. Tempers get volcanic and everything seems harder.
S'ok Hops. It's an easy misunderstanding and I don't disagree with what you said - I know that kind of resistance, first hand. I didn't ever force anything like that on Hol; always let her choose what her interest was. I do congratulate her on good jobs and what is clearly talent, in various directions. It was really, really helpful for her to see her oldest sister I think. (J's mom is a psychologist and J is well-versed in dealing with inner demons.) Amy isn't any more sober; but at least she's less belligerant and hostile. There were no deep, heavy meaningful conversations... and that's OK. She's talking.
I'm just staying hunkered down till the heat breaks back into the 80's again.
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At 2:30pm I was standing in full sun, yesterday, watering clover seedlings ...some wilting and yellow.
::playing Ide to Tuna in my head::.
"You shall not die!!"
Not in my watch. Of course, I now depend on contractor, at lake, to turn on sprinkler, I set up, after watering everything with a hose for an hour.
Those darling clovers are doing well, under shady weeds. The ones on bare clay, not so much.
Lighter
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You water in full sun? Doesn't that burn the plants? I've always heard water early morning or at dusk. In heat waves, especially - because then the water doesn't immediately evaporate. I'll water when the shade gets around to places, unless it's horrendous like it's been.
Today is our first chance of thunderstorms. So I'll have to spend days weeding & trimming.