Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Meh on March 03, 2025, 12:06:16 AM
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So at the moment I have this state health insurance and I've not used it very much because I'm unmotivated, am not in a big city so there aren't very many health care providers anyways, and the insurance website is clunky and awkward and none of it is organized it's all these various listings some of them out of business and some of them not taking new patients. I thought I might try to just SEE if I can locate a therapist via this health insurance.
The first one I landed on I called the phone number it's disconnected. The second one appears to be a drag queen in their personal time and wants people to follow their drag shows on instagram. Left a message for a mysterious other office in case they might call me back during the week. Now I am looking at people who are a long drive away and are stating all this political wokery crap on their websites about gender.
This is why I don't bother in the first place it takes hours and hours of my time just to locate someone and even at that the schools in my state are far politically left which means they put all the gender crap on their professional webpages. At this point if I were to see a therapist I only want to see an old woman. Somebody with a real vagina that has always had a vagina. Not a neovagina not any of that weird shit.
I just don't think it's worth it to try to see a therapist. And yet here I am slogging through this crap but again if you're rich you live in a big city and you go see some specialist in the area that is relevant to whatever it is you are seeing a therapist for I figure. I imagine these people read some text books at a university they just got by on their tests by reciting whatever is in the books. I don't know what I am doing tonight am I going to continue to spend another hour scrolling down these offices which are like an hour each way to drive to. I'm not sure. There is teledoc but I really don't think I want to do that.
Maybe I really should move back to the city. Or not. I don't know. I suppose I could ATTEMPT a teledoc counseling appointment. I don't want to be on a video camera talking about personal stuff. I don't care how they market it that's just not appealing to me. It's not. I already wasted my day doing this so I might as well keep looking since I am in their dumb database of providers.
You see if you have some kind of good health network you call and can get something set up in 20-30 minutes at the most and make an appointment but this is honestly I'm just shaking my head and complaining per usual. I have to complain my way through everything it is the only way I get anything done.
Here is the other thing like for example on one website it says this (Fees Psychotherapy, 50 min: $140)
I am low class so I usually get paid $20 an hour at the MAX. So if I were to pay for this out of pocket it would be like an entire days pay for me practically once they take taxes out of it.
The question is well is it really worth it and what am I meant to get out of therapy?
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Hey, Meh.
My thought in answer is: peace. Just some peace.
And maybe an understanding of where/how you belong in this world.
I hope you could consider one Telehealth session, to give it a chance. And/or tell a potential therapist right up front that your beliefs are right-wing, and do they feel comfortable helping someone who's socially conservative? Any decent therapist should answer that honestly.
Good luck, and it sounds good to me that you're making this effort.
hugs
Hops
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Finding ANY healthcare within a "local" driving distance is getting harder & harder, Meh. And Godz forbid, you need a specialist. Our last visit was a 2 hr drive into the city. Hol drove, coz the traffic makes me a nervous wreck.
I think, if you're gonna try "teledoc" maybe you ought to draft a reasonably short email explaining your goal that you can send BEFORE a session. And you can ask about the ideology differences maybe getting in the way. That way, you session time isn't wasted.
There is always a dice roll, trying to find someone that YOU can work with. They may be highly praised by other people, but if y'all don't see eye to eye or can't communicate smoothly, then they're not for you. I get what you're saying about their qualifications. It's like they're following a script and a "one size fits all" formula before they even get to know you. IMO, there are really good people doing this work but they are few and far between and VERY expensive. There really need to be more people who are really CALLED to this work - and don't simply see it as job they can virtue signal about.
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Mine is covered by Medicare, are you on any kind of insurance, Meh?
Hope you won't start out believing in obstacles you haven't found proof of yet.
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Hi Hops and Skeptikal,
I've thought about asking counselors up front but I would be lucky to find any near me at all. I do not consider myself right-wing I'm actually old, low class and sort of not into either political parties that much. I don't qualify as a conservative Christian or whatever doesn't matter I just come here to complain in fact everything annoys me these days. Like every little task annoys me. I am glad for getting stuff DONE if I FORCE myself to do it but my brain revolts. I just five minutes ago forced myself to find some clothes in a box and some part of my brain spontaneously shows me this image of me just having the meeting naked. Honestly this is not something I want to do but some recess of my mind seems to think everything is just more effort than it's worth. Wow, the value of one's time and effort huh. Anyhow I didn't get any usable responses to the emails I had sent to the counselors all I asked was are they taking new patients under the health coverage I have that is it.
Traffic makes me nervous too and I've been driving on side roads for the entire time that I've had my car. Only went on the freeway once. Actually eventually that is something I should get used to again maybe but then again I don't think traffic is worth it. I live outside the Seattle area and I think it's rated one of the worst places in the nation traffic wise and I am a bad driver and I can't afford to fix anything so yeah. F that.
I don't like teledoc for therapy. I get it that it works for some things but I think it's just another way human consciousness is getting sucked into the etheric neverland.
Agreed Skeptical I do think there are some people that are into what they are doing and they have an area of specialty and they are likely good and yes it's the "top-tier" type of healthcare. I've got the drive-through gas station version of healthcare though at best. Oi, I shouldn't think about it too much I have a lot to do in the next 12 hours.
No there really ARE obstacles Hops. I do have bad health insurance but also I don't live in the city right now and I haven't been into the city for a very long time. And I am not going to drive to a park and ride, catch a bus and another bus maybe in the rain... go to an appointment with a rando stranger counselor and then do a whole slog of a commute back.
Look I know that part of what I do is my brain hates everything. I actually am noticing that EVERYTHING seems hard. But the thing is I doubt it's worth it. I am going to lose my health insurance anyhow so I don't know why I was even bothering to look. There is someone I think does therapy out of their house nearby but it doesn't seem very legit to me. Then again they probably need the money and I think the insurance pays for it. Can't recall. I don't want to think about it anymore.
It's 1:20 am here. I am very wide awake but I need for force myself to wind down soonish. Maybe I should clean and make garlic bread and get off of the internet but also I was trying not to eat past 8 pm and I seem to be not sticking to that rule this week. Oh well.
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Thinking about it. Yesterday I was procrastinating by looking for a therapist I am not kidding I think that task is something I should not have been doing because now I can think of other things TIME SENSITIVE ones which I should have been doing which were more urgent. Then again sometimes everything feels urgent and sometimes everything does need to get done ASAP of course that is also a consequence of being a procrastinator. Something yesterday had me feeling sad and stressed out and I guess that is what prompted me to look but I am going to most likely not have that insurance for long so reflecting on it now IT really does not make sense. I'm just wondering if I wasn't adding 2+2 yesterday. Maybe not thinking clearly then again one doesn't always know when one is not thinking clearly.
I really wonder how much procrastination is linked to anxiety and GAD.
- I WAS procrastinating.
- I think I also had a sad feeling night and that was probably motivating me also.
It's kind of both. Things CAN be both.
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Things can definitely be a combination of feelings Meh! Trying to separate them, to simplify sorting them out, is work that can be worth "it".
There is no "should" about driving on the highway, IMO. No one judging you or me, due to our dislike or anxiety about it. No report card; no grades. If you LIKE the slower pace of backroads vs highway, go for it! ENJOY it! There is always so much more to discover and appreciate on the backroads (once upon a time, the "highways" of the past).
We all have a list of "shoulds" in our brains - whether it's just chores, self-care, things to do for others, pets, whatever. When that list gets overwhelming, it helps me to start from what I WANT, which could be the smallest, easiest thing on the list or a major project, with unexpected difficulties we can't foresee.
Shoulds are some kind of societal pressure tyranny, the way I see it, most of the time; unless it's something like you shouldn't stick your hand in the fire coz you'll burn yourself. We "should" conform to fashion; we "should" be model thin (and consequently weak); we "should" workout & exercise; we "should" always only eat healthy food (WHAT?! NO CAKE????) should-should-should-should-should...
I'm really not interested at all in the shoulds that get pushed at people. I ignore them (at my own risk, of course) to an extent that allows ME comfort in my own skin, and respect for my autonomy; freedom as a person. So, I don't let myself go to either extreme on that scale of "shoulds", but would fall where I can handle it, as a life-long non-conformist. And I don't judge other people where they fall on the scale either. Everyone gets their own choice.
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Hear, hear. Botha youse.
I wonder if there's a Village within a half hour of you, Meh?
The #1 volunteer service ours does for people is drive them to appointments.
Transportation's a huge obstacle, even to access crappy care. I believe you about how real the obstacles are. And how frustrating.
www.vtvnetwork.org has info.
hugs
Hops
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I'm gonna add....
My T helped me identify a toxic worry worry worry coping strategy, I didn't realize I depended on......it robbed me of joy.
It was exhausting and didn't change outcomes, though I believed it was the thing saving me, bc that's how I'd survived.... worrying my way through everything.
T pointed out an alternative strategy.
Do what I could, then put the story on the shelf.... meaning, once I'd done every possible thing, I could do, to resolve my problem....I could choose to stop thinking about it, and turn toward the joy in front of me....
Or....
be present in the moment, opposed to worrying into the future, which drained my batteries, kept me in fight or flight reactive mode, which shut down my frontal cortex processes of reasoning and creative problem solving. I really needed access to reason and creative problem solving skills!!! That required calming my brain and Nervous System, which brought my entire brain back online. Fight or flight shuts down access to frontal cortex....think of maybe seeing a tiger. Amygdala fight or flight brain acts to evade and survive that tiger. Higher brain wonders if it really sees a tiger, or is it just shadows and a truck if the light, kwim?
With some emotional distance, it made sense and improved my response and ability to respond by expanding choice and ability to bring about the best possible outcomes, IME. It restored choice, I guess is more accurate.
I think that was as important as the rest, but everything was layered and somehow built a solid foundation.
I'll say this.....it felt like a lot of moving parts, at first.....it felt overwhelming. I beat myself up for forgetting things I knew, but forgot when upset, bc old defaults needed to be reset. I got better at being kind to myself, which speeds everything up, IME.
Once concepts and new habits became less alien ....they morphed into familiar tools. sometimes chose those tools. That felt amazing and I wish I'd not worried about internalizing them, bc it took up space I could have used more productively.
Having said that.....the way I processed was the way I needed to process. The "setbacks" weren't bad or good, even though I judged them so. Noticing judgement was part of changing it into curiosity. It wasn't a switch I could flip and turned out to be exactly like early days in martial arts, but without a stern instructor bringing my focus back to the present moment, again and again, bc I did notice doing things wrong and despised it. It hijacked my brain for a while.....only frustrating me and slowing progress.
Curiosity was the cure. Tweaking mistakes, instead of judging and catastrophising, was revelation and joy. Beating myself up was detrimental to learning BUT provided clues to my inner world, not that I understood, at that time.
Looking back, I notice how hard I was on myself.
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I'm gonna say something about what I received, from therapy, but didn't know was possible or something I'd find helpful.
The number one thing, that helped, was observing trauma/past/present with enough distance.....I experienced it without fighting/flight/freeze/fawn brain taking over. I could observe it with my entire brain online, helping me process it. This was huge.
Second....the choice to focus on joyful things, while refusing to drain my batteries on rumination, sadness, regret and fear became something I could choose or not choose.
Not that there aren't ups and downs. There are.
Not that the injustices are ok. They aren't.
What's apparent is .....I don't have to give my energy to things I can't change. I admit to spending most of my time, trying to change things, I couldn't make peace with in my past. It was painful and I have compassion for myself. I choose better for myself, as I can.
Sometimes I choose to spin my wheels ruminating, but understand I gave up better things to do that.
My first productive therapy session began with a list:
1. Embrace self compassion over and over till it became familiar.
2. Replace judgement with curiosity. All judgement gets dropped here.
3. Embrace radical acceptance.
4. Release outcome.
That's how I answer your question about expectations of therapy and a therapist.
The thing is, a therapist you connect with will likely not be someone else, on the board, connects with.
Your experience will be your own, boat. Likely, you'll be surprised at how things unfold, and that can be perfectly ok, IME.
If you research different types of therapies...some will make more sense than others. Making your preferences clear, in communication with possible therapists, can help dial in matches, I'd think.
Lighter
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Lighter, I'm vicariously appreciating this descriptive explanation you offer Meh.
It's distilled so well it's clear. Thank you, and kudos.
hugs
Hops
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Thanks, Hops🐦
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From my point of view life is surreal. I really haven't felt like things are normal or real for quite a long time. Today was browsing a few job postings locally and one of them was for some receptionist type thing so I look it up and it's a psychiatry office that does ketamine along with other stuff I don't know what that stuff even is. Then I look up the address on Google maps and it's an old house not even a business office. Or at least one of their locations shows an old house. These are the weird jobs and businesses that exist outside large city areas. This is the weird fringe. Okay anyhow I look it up on YELP it's a bunch of people rating it really low. Wow the reviews make it sound like anyhow it sounds scary like it would not even be a reliable paycheck. So I am accustomed to working for pretty large businesses I guess. I mean pass. But it does tie into the previous stuff I had written about counseling therapists etc. but also my stupid insurance called me today asking if I needed help finding a provider and they could not locate one. I focus a lot on irritations. I mean it's practically like roling around in poison oak over and over again and maybe I need to stop doing that. But like I said I just find everything in life to be so weird these days. And end of this distraction. No more. Moving on. LOL and I keep reading and someone is saying one of the therapists told his wife to have an affair... I mean this is weird stuff. Really strange reviews the therapist teling the husband about the wife's session content. idk
Okay well looking out the window having a what the fuck moment and going back to where I was before I started wasting my time looking at these yelp reviews. See?
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I do see.
It's like you have a straight objective but can't prevent your bright mind from getting involved, and the tangents become equal in importance, so the trip gets so much longer.
Actually describing myself and my ADHD, though. It's inefficient but interesting. Much worse with age but I'm trying to recognize and make room for the dancing elephants in my home.
hugs
Hops
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"A 2021 Clinical Psychology Review meta-analysis found gratitude helps mild cases (10-20% mood lift), but severe depression or wired-in GAD? Barely dents it — maybe 5% if you’re lucky, often nada."
5%-20%
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https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2377281/
I guess amphetamine was once given for PMS? Looking at the history of pharma before prozac era sort of puts it all into bigger perspective. Not much changes really.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-5288077/Heroin-cough-cures-yesteryear-revealed.html
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Valley of the Dolls, was the blockbuster novel of women's Rx fixes in the late 60s. They made a movie of it, too. It's quite the "mirror" of past & present women's pysch & emotional issues. Life has been surreal (in moments) for quite some time. The Rolling Stone's "Mother's Little Helper" fits in there musically, along with Grace Slick's "White Rabbit".
Very strange time to be alive and aware of society, politics, and values back then.
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Yes, I've heard of Valley of the Dolls though I haven't watched it.
I like seeing all the old advertisements just wish the small text was more clear/less fuzzy.
https://mindfreedom.org/kb/view-d171/
"Burroughs Wellcome (sold meth) eventually merged with Glaxo to form GlaxoWellcome, which then merged with SmithKline Beecham to become GlaxoSmithKline (GSK). So, in a sense, Burroughs Wellcome's legacy is part of the modern pharmaceutical giant GSK"
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Been journaling/brain-dumping a lot the past few days in terms of writing to myself. And it's very obvious to me that a great portion of it is at times negative and at other times it's mostly inquisitive or sometimes merely trying to organize and stay on task. Those are the modes I tend to write in I think. The thing about negativity is I know it is 1) sometimes truthful so filled with some truth & 2) sometimes distracting waste of time to think about things negatively 3) maybe even stops me from moving forward but I'm not sure about this as a mechanism I think it's a tad too simple to say negative is the problem in and of itself it could be a symptom etc or just real life 4) it can seem like it is the problem 5) what am I typing here 6) am I wasting time right now. Oh my point. Sometimes within the negativity there is some kind of aspects that are useful maybe. I'm confused. Maybe I have OCD of the brain. Maybe on Monday I should make a doctors appointment for GAD and try to take some pills I don't know. I think I'm just going through a bad moment which I have many. I mean even if I recognize that there is negativity I STILL feel confused it's like okay yeah I see it but I'm not sure what to do with it and in fact maybe I shouldn't do anything about it and just see it as a symptom of stress and disappointments. Bleh. CBT is not for me it's just not I know it's not. Okay I am just going to see that yes I am having negative thoughts which I just COMPLAIN and rant a lot while I journal. And maybe I should just not judge that stuff. Should I just have compassion over it. Do that radical compassion junk and be like okay these are thoughts. They are passing thoughts. It's a theme right now. It might not always be the dominant theme. Sigh.
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Bleh. CBT is not for me it's just not I know it's not.
It's good to have clarity, Meh. Lots of alternatives to CBT. I can't read lately....not sure why. If you'd like, I'll mail you my copy of You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
I've meant to read it ever since my T said it's a great multi-tool, if one has use of one tool, iho, of course.
Okay I am just going to see that yes I am having negative thoughts which I just COMPLAIN and rant a lot while I journal.
I couldn't see what was there, behind the judgement...what was real....what was unhelpful unconscious belief until I just sat with my thoughts in curiosity. It was a starting point
...it was the start of suffering less, IME.
And maybe I should just not judge that stuff. Should I just have compassion over it. Do that radical compassion junk and be like okay these are thoughts. They are passing thoughts. It's a theme right now. It might not always be the dominant theme. Sigh.
Sounds like a new plan, Meh. We know what old habits bring. Why not try something else?
Short list of helpful habits to consider:
1. Extend tons of self compassion.
2. Release expectations.
3. Drop judgement and replace with curiosity
4. Embrace radical acceptance.
5. Remember 1. while practicing new habits imperfectly. Everyone is practicing. Even 100yo monks.
Journaling always helped me clarify and distill confusion down to manageable truths too, Meh.
Lighter
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Thoughts are just thoughts, here today gone tomorrow.
Thoughts are NOT YOU; not who you are. They're something you do. Like rubbing your nose.
You get to decide who YOU ARE; and you don't need a wall o' thoughts to have place to breathe in-out as you.