Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: write on February 15, 2005, 11:16:48 AM
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I feel a bit low this morning, and I am trying to examine why I feel the sudden urge to engage with somone I already decided not to. It's definitely a pattern.
Sometimes I feel like there's been so much activity and drama revolving around others in my life- being in a calm place leaves me too much alone with myself, I'm uncomfortable with it.
It's also wonderful, but part of me misses the old life which was busier and less introspective.
I think learning to 'sit' with these unpleasant feelings is what will end the cycle of abusive relationships: ie doing anything feels better than doing nothing sometimes...
I'm going to book a therapy appointment for next week.
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hello again write!
alone with myself, I'm uncomfortable with it.
old life which was busier and less introspective
remind me, in case I can't remember, if I did know, are you an introvert or exravert? It's my latest 'thing' to see if someone's being troubled by trying out the reality which isn't their natural safe zone.
Safer reality for intros: inside their heads, introspecting away all day and happy with it.
Safer reality for extras: other people, external reality, doing stuff and not thinking about their internals.
One way forward is to keep trying to understand and be comfortable with the reality which we are not naturally drawn to. If that makes sense? Portia
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Stay still inside the pain. Don't move away from it, don't try to kill it, deny it, or make yourself more comfortable. It is teaching you something. Learn it now or learn it later, the lesson still awaits.
Feel it, and ask it what it wants from you. You will find an answer if you are quiet.
The times in my life where I have done the most growing have been when I had no exit. Change happens from within, and only when there is no alternative but to face it. (there never really is a way to avoid it, truly, just temporary saviors...and then we face it again and again).
It's always a choice.
You sound like you know this already.......
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Hi write,
I can relate to what you say. And maybe, adding to what mum said,
Feel it, and ask it what it wants from you.
, I can tell you what I do when I have such feelings.
Right now I am dealing w/ the issue of the Father figure, (not ok built in my psyche - so the doctors said) : I talk to myself and ask : "ok. How do you feel right now? Then I am trying to be honnest w/ exactly what I feel (it may be a mixture of several feelings, or one feeling then it fades away then another comes, etc..). Then if my "response" is too harsh for me to handle I write...I write poetry, symbolic little stories, and they help w/ the catharsis.
I 'found internal conversation' (written or mental) extremely helpful and reassuring to me since I could write any most negative feelings and my hopes too...
You have found a great name for this Board, 'write'. You probably picked it up w/ sthg in mind... Right? :wink:
-RL
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write,
at least you're aware of the dynamic of seeking out excitement.
My philosophy is that from the void / emptiness / loneliness come new possibilities. Okay I got that out of a book but it works for me.
bunny
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but with strong character traits which resemble extrovert!
WHen I took the Myers-Briggs I was INFJ type.
I do know all this stuff already...I just don't know it...if you know what I mean.
I've come a long way- but still feel like a helpless child sometimes.
Thanks everyone, the support on here is wonderful!
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Write: My spiritual mentor, one of the most enlightened people I know, says she is still in kindergarten..... we are all in Kindergarten here. Kindergarten is kinda fun, though, huh?
I "know" what you mean.....knowing what you don't know says your are onto something! All the things I read forever made sense, but I didn't GET IT (internally) until I was ready. Many times I still don't get it, but that's cool!
I'll just go fingerpaint for a while.
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Very nice thread.
Write- I am really getting a lot out of your sharing your journey with the board.
I can relate to so much of it, and I enjoy the general dialogue/insights that come out of it as well.
I hope you continue to do so.
Hope you have found a great therapist, too.
BT
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Write,
I can very much relate to your mixed feelings of being alone vs. being busy. I have always been very busy and absorbed with the day-to-day of life with children and family. When my H left and I was suddenly forced to be alone, it was very frightening. I wanted to find something to fill that void so I didn't have to face what was happening to my life. It was too painful to try to process the new direction my life was being forced to take. However, I was also so tired of trying to put on a facade of strength and coping for my children and friends that I just wanted to be alone to deal with the pain.
I journaled, prayed, exercised and found a place where I could sit and find some peace and comfort (near water for me), in addition to being in weekly therapy. For the first time in my 54 years of life I found I could be alone and not be lonely. I have always been afraid of being alone and thus settled for the first man who came along who was willing to rescue me from that. I did that twice and have been burned twice. I am learning alot about myself and why I have made the choices of mates I have in my life. I am learning to accept that I have flaws, but that deep in my core I am a good person who has so much to give and so much love to offer, but it must be with someone who deserves it and returns it.
It would have been easy for me to repeat past behaviors and just find the next replacement man who could deliver me from the pain of my husband leaving. If I had not gotten into good therapy, I may very well have done that. Certainly to the detriment of myself and my children.
Every person on this site has had to work through some significant pain. Some much worse than others. I read the very sad stories of those who have tried to commit suicide or have spent years mutilating themselves. In the very depths of my depression after he left, I could, for the first time in my life, understand someone wanting to commit suicide. I thought of those people who wake up every day of their lives feeling hopeless and never knowing if they will ever feel better. I had my children to live for, thankfully, and did not stay in that very dark place for long, but it did make me very grateful to not have a life of depression and sadness.
Sorry if I am just going on here, but needed to release some of these thoughts.
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Great thread.
Bunny: Deepak Chopra was spot on, eh?! Anyway, write, I have pondered same. Having been raised in chaos and in just ending a drama-filled relationship, the calm after the storm can be quite enveloping and disconcerting.
I like Portia's inquiry about intros/extros. What I have discovered throughout my most recent morass, is that I am quite the introvert. I don't get re-energized in being around others 24/7. Though my profession has called for quite a bit of extroverted characteristics, it's a game for me. In the work arena I can meet and greet, work a room, and put myself out there. When I come home from an event such as this, I am drained and need time to recharge.
Anyway, like mum said: be with the pain, silence, solitude or ambiguity. It's cleansing and rejuvenating because once we ultimately face it head on, we reduce the power those emotions have over us. We stare it in the face and say: Phooey!
Best,
bludie
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Write: My spiritual mentor, one of the most enlightened people I know, says she is still in kindergarten..... we are all in Kindergarten here. Kindergarten is kinda fun, though, huh?
I "know" what you mean.....knowing what you don't know says your are onto something! All the things I read forever made sense, but I didn't GET IT (internally) until I was ready. Many times I still don't get it, but that's cool!
I'll just go fingerpaint for a while.
I read the line once,"In matters of the spirit, one is always at the beginning".
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I look back now and one of the reasons I didn't want to face my situation- unhappy as it was- was knowing deep down that I'd have to confront all these feelings of hurt and rejection going back decades.
And of course- the longer you stay, the more bad decisions you feel you've made...the more it compounds, until it's hard to even validate yourself as a person any more:
what kind of person has parents who don't love her unconditionally ( even now ) or a husband who does love her but continually rejects her with his problems and behaviour; what is wrong with me that I attract abusive men now I'm single and feeling together?; everything starts to translate as WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? and WILL IT EVER CHANGE???
Even people who are raised by loving thoughtful parents need validation out in the world and in their relationships.
For us engaged with narcissists and other significantly impaired people who are acting out against us and giving little or nothing to us- we struggle to get what we need from outside ourselves to keep self-esteem and a positive spirit alive. And since we're also struggling by then just to maintain an existence, there's no spare energy to work on ourselves, to work out that it wasn't our fault, and to disentangle from the negative people who come into our lives freely because we don't know how to have boundaries any more ( if ever ) or what WE need. We've got so used to pouring all our energy out into others.
And that is a paradox: because it also brings good people, good things into our lives, and if your life was anything like mine it was lived on two levels, the public where everything looks wonderful, strong friendships, high achievement ( esp n h ), big life goals...then the private where the emptiness was unbearable.
So you run around setting up more and more things outside yourself...and getting further and further from this place within where it's been unhappy for so long just to try and think about it now is to feel ashamed that you're not what people see, you're not what you think you should be, your life is a shell.
It's not really talked about is it: my husband has anger outbursts and can't do sex & I'm very lonely. My father is a manipulative bully, don't feel sorry for him. My mother was an abusive alcoholic ( but we're all sorry now she's dead )
When I first went to a therapist I was shocked that she didn't tell me there was nothing she could do for me, ask me to leave, take offence at the things I was telling her.
And I'm not naive: but it was the fact it was ME, supposed-to-be-perfect-keep-it-all-in me.
My whole world could collapse if I stepped down as king-pin.
And it did.
I had a year of serious physical and mental illness brought on by the stress. In less than twelve months I was diagnosed with endometriosis, bipolar disorder, throat spasms, more bouts of flu/ tonsillitis/ muscle strains than I had in the whole of my life...every month there was something, it was like my body had enough.
And you know what, I kept going. I dropped 50 lbs; I kept it off.
I saw doctor after doctor and treated all my problems.
I handed over parenting to h who promptly went into therapy.
I made a new life in a new town, a new career.
H and I built a new relationship, to keep our family together.
And suddenly here I am, thinking I've only been working on my own health and issues for a long time. But it's not true. Even in this collapse and recovery it was more about everyone around me than about me.
I'm only at the start of 'working on me'...
& I still don't have the healthy boundaries to say 'sorry, can't deal with this now' or just plain 'no'.
I'm still trying to be perfect to get people who will never love me- BECAUSE THEY CAN'T- to love me.
And my latest relationship, even though I ended it pretty quickly because I saw through it & it wasn't good for me, it feels like a failure, like I've let someone down, and part of me is still bending over backwards to accomodate this man into my life as a friend or whatever...and ignoring the fact that he has used me at a vulnerable time in my life and there has been little reciprocity or signs of genuine friendship. But that's ok- I can bridge the gap, right. 'Cos that's what I've been doing for 40 years, bridging interminable chasms between myself and other damaged people.
And if I stop, then life is very quiet, almost dull. And yet I know it's time to let go of that particular 'skill' for a while.
I'm thrashing about right now, because though I can deal with the emotions of just about anyone else- I'm not used to sifting through my own. That doesn't seem as noble or worthy a pursuit somehow, not to mention exchanging emptiness for raw and tender pain.
Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain ~William Faulkner
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The inside isn't empty Write. The inside of us is our core, our Self, our grounding (introverts).
I think from what you've said you tend towards extravert (a shy one?), you need others for your energy ....BUT one way through is to face your 'empty' internals and get to know them, get to trust them. Find your core and like it...
Going to therapy, seeing other people will not solve anything without you getting friendly and safe with yourself. In fact therapy can be like a welcome diversion!!! Other people don't remove anything. There's a well of comfort and self-companionable safety inside us. You don't die because you're alone. Alone does not equal lonely (just as sex does not equal togetherness. Sex with another person can be incredibly lonely). Sex is not the answer, it's another diversion.
Some manic depressives find that if they had the choice between a steady, calm, level life and the highs and lows they experience, they would choose the highs and lows. I can understand this, although I wouldn't want it myself. I want control of my thoughts and emotions!
Take it easy, it's not a race, pushing yourself doesn't work for me. Not 'working' on yourself is okay too! Taking a break from 'recovery' is as good as 'recovery' itself... :D .joke, well, half a one! best wishes Portia
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Hi again
we struggle to get what we need from outside ourselves to keep self-esteem and a positive spirit alive. And since we're also struggling by then just to maintain an existence, there's no spare energy to work on ourselves
We've got so used to pouring all our energy out into others.
I test very high on introvert, okay, 100% some days. I just don’t do anything that you say above and being me, getting the theory right is as important as solving the problem (and understanding and solving the problem is everything to me). I don’t get from outside me. The outside always, always takes from me, drains me, makes me want to curl up and be happy alone. Other people generally don’t help me feel better about myself (okay, a trusted and valued two people in the world do). I have to change my mind to feel better about myself on any given day, other people don’t affect me (except if I allow myself to feel worse because I’m with them). Does this make sense to you??
So you run around setting up more and more things outside yourself...and getting further and further from this place within where it's been unhappy for so long just to try and think about it now is to feel ashamed that you're not what people see, you're not what you think you should be, your life is a shell.
I honestly don’t give a fig about what other people think of me. I care 100% about what I think of me. Do I want to respect myself OR do I want people to like me, given that life or death choice? Extraverts hesitate, they want both. Introverts are quick to say ‘self-respect’ - without that, I’m nothing.
What you *should*(?) be is living - because that’s all there is. We have a right to exist and we have as much right as anyone to be happy. Status, objects, money, looks, education, kids who ‘do us proud’ – it’s all worth nothing, if we aren’t comfortable in ourselves. I’m always wary of people who are ‘ambitious’, who have ‘stuff’ who seem to have the perfect lives. I wonder what’s wrong with them, true! I do! Because there usually is something wrong with them. Everyone has problems. Everyone has problems with sex. Yeah!
It’s helped me enormously to understand what kind of person I am, on the very basic introvert/extravert scale. They’re not easy to get hold of in the US, but Amazon UK sells Dorothy Rowe’s books. ‘The Successful Self’ is all about the intro/extra differences, how we don’t understand others because of these basic different ways of viewing the world and how to see it from the others’ point of view. It might help.
What’s most important in life? For me, understanding, achieving understanding. For you, it may be loving others and being with them. That’s a huge difference. Once you really get to the bottom of what you want in life, it can be simpler I think.
PS. A rejoinder for Phillip with a smile:
ACTION WITHOUT THOUGHT IS MEANINGLESS! :D
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Again! Thanks Write for this thread which has prompted me to wonder why I like to read Dorothy Rowe so much (she’s a thinking introvert) versus why I understand but don’t really feel a deep connection when I read John Bradshaw, who is much more about feelings and ‘other people’, getting in touch with your inner children etc. Have you read Bradshaw – ‘Homecoming’ and ‘Creating love’? Good books.
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Hello All:
I have read this thread and it brought back memories. When I first found myself alone, the anxiety of every day was a real thing. I remember awakening to a black cloud every morning for about 2 years. It was as if I were looking into a black hole with nothing peering back at me. It was endless. However, I read somewhere that if you "lean" into your pain, just as if you were "leaning" into a terrific wind storm, helped to "work" through this tortureous path.
One day I awoke and found that the big blue elephant in the room was gone. Patz
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( I tested Infj & every aspect of the 'type' fits me: the crusading, the 'mute withdrawal', even the love of quotations! ) I found it very useful to understand what I am doing when I suddenly 'go extrovert' ( hardened infj-ers call it fe-ing or feeling extroverted )
I am incredibly ( impractically some of my nearest would say ) idealistic and though I don't get deeply involved in so many things as I get older, I really do believe I have a duty to try to change things for the better, or to help other people.
And the benefits of living like that come into my own life too: even with n h the fact I stayed kind to him and supported him has made it easier for him to back down and step up to the plate.
I guess though I am an easy target for people to take advantage of: a common complaint amongst the infj collective!
Particularly men: I am so wanting that contact sometimes, and there's a certain type of man who acts all sensitive for a while but is really only interested in a one-up on-off relationship...they chase you if you seem unavailable and reject you if you say ok.
Approach-avoidance it's called.
And again: it's because they can't do intimacy, or only at a very controlled distance.
Which brings me to a big mental leap for me here: I'm thinking that since I engage in these half-assed relationships and turn down or run away from anything more substantial...maybe I can't do intimacy right now either, at least not until this huge emotional open wound heals some more?
"...perhaps the only pain that can be avoided is the pain that comes from trying to avoid pain."
R D Laing
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However, I read somewhere that if you "lean" into your pain, just as if you were "leaning" into a terrific wind storm, helped to "work" through this tortureous path.
I really agree with this. Another thing that has helped me as I separate more and more from the narcissism in my family (and its vestiges) is to never force myself to move from where I am-- if what I'm feeling is a vague uncomfortableness, I just feel that for awhile. If I feel mad, I feel that, too, with as few thoughts as possible about it and absolutely no attempt to fix it. One of the keys to working through pain seems to be not to rush it, because if you do you might rush on by it instead of going through it.
I'm an extrovert, but I also think that working through stuff like this on my own has really had its place. Even articulating what I'm feeling to someone else sometimes puts it in too narrow a box. And anyone who lived with narcissists is used to having feelings and thoughts defined for them-- I think it's good to avoid any possibility of that by just sitting with whatever comes up, without trying to define it for anyone else. And I even try to keep the voices in my head (who reflect my parents, I guess) from jumping to conclusions or judging any of it. Just living it usually is the best way to get through it.
just 2 (or 3) cents.
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and p.s. I think that feelings of emptiness often come from either accepting someone else's judgment (they rejected me and left, so I am empty without them) or from not really trusting or knowing what we're wanting. So life is just this sort of acting out based on other people's feelings and opinions. I've felt this a lot and the answer often is to get their opinions and judgments out of my mind to just be quiet for a bit so I can figure out what I want. Often what I'm yearning for has nothing to do with what I thought it was-- when I realize what I really want (and allow myself to want it), everything seems much cheerier.
hang in there :) it will get better.
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This thread is bringing up a lot of loneliness for me. I don't think it would hurt as much if I could find someone to share this loneliness with. :?
I consistently rate INTJ on the personality test. BTW, does anyone else retake the test periodically to see if they're changing? I used to be InTj, meaning the I & T were very stong and the n and j more balanced. Today I'm coming up IntJ. I like that I'm getting more balanced toward the feeling side of things, but being more J worries me since I've decided that its a bad thing. :roll: (Please tell me you get the joke so I don't feel so alone.)
INTJ is the one descriptions refer to as being less than 1% of the population. And all the dicussions are quick to point out that every type is equally valid, etc. But, I don't believe that people outside the "personality" research field actually feel that way. My experience has been that the vast majority of other people can't even comprehend me, and even pity me for not being "right." If they can't even connect with me because I'm too alien for them, how could they possibly ever meet my needs?
I know part of this comes from my wife, who basically has witheld all the good stuff until I realize how wrong I am and start meeting all her needs. I've never heard I was a good human being or person from her, just why can't I be the way she wants me to be. I think this uniqueness is where I got the idea that I was an alien growing up without any validation from my parents. In some ways I AM a rare creature. I wish with all my heart that others could see the value in that instead of reacting with hostility to the differentness that challenges their preconceptions.
I like myself the way I am. Given the choice to change (as opposed to growing), I would not take it. I'm always looking for ways to grow. I like being the one who can find and fix the problems and fill in the cracks that others leave and make it successful, whatever the "it" is. I'm the one always saying "what if" and backing people up. On days when I'm feeling strong, this is enough. On days like today, though, I really long to have a woman in my life who really sees me clearly, and chooses to be with me, respect me and trust me with full awareness.
I've changed my own awareness and beliefs even over the course of this thread, but I'll let it stand as it is. This realization really drives home that I want more people in my life that I can have deep conversations with. That's how I make the most progress and work out my feelings. I'd like to have more people like all of you to talk with. Wow, I'm feeling a lot of intense feelings today.
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Dear Longtire:
This is the exact time you do not need a SO in your life. The hole of lonliness you are experiencing is something you must first learn to live with and manage.
There are many more horrible things than experiencing lonliness. The first and foremost is living in a house with a narc female whose whole world revolves around her. The second would be living in a house where you have a brother and sister type relationship. The third would be the combination of these two which would be a one way relationship which you are the primary "giver" and with no intimacy.
We all long for closeness and intimacy, but at what price? I remember well when my SO other left, it felt as if I had been thrown out on the tundra with no overcoat, no soft place to go, cold and frozen on the inside.
Another analogy would be that you have been living in a huge, fenced in yard. You are in the corner and the SO narc is in the middle of the yard. Every now and then the SO looks you way to wave. You are only in the yard to serve the SO. When it is time for you to go through the gate to the outside world, there is no place to go, no one familliar. You are indeed on the edge of starting over. Just make sure you are ready, because there are many narc females ready to take advantage of your "neediness" right now. Patz
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there are many narc females ready to take advantage of your "neediness" right now. Patz
She's right.
bunny
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just to try and think about it now is to feel ashamed that you're not what people see, you're not what you think you should be, your life is a shell.
There is no need to feel ashamed about this at all (though I appreciate you feel what you feel). One thing I can tell you for sure, is that most people are not what they allow others to see. You would be astounded to know what goes on in people's private lives & inner selves, where no one would have an inkling. Some of these things are so unbelievable and contrary to the professional, successful "put-together" outer selves that they show the world.
The individual list of things that people can hide from the world is extremely varied, and endless. You see this all the time, working in counseling & therapy related professions, and it is very, very common for people to say that they feel like a fraud specifically because of outer & inner differences.
Some people actively try to make the outer look very different to compensate for a chaotic inner.
Everybody has their own stories related to their true selves, and most of the time we only share these things with few trusted people, if that. I think it is natural to be more surface level with more people (that we aren't that emotionally close with) than not. Being more surface level can't help but portray a different image, but there is nothing we can do about that.
The stuff inside is just another aspect of us, and it is natural to have different aspects that make us up, and also keeping certain aspects private. Many of them are no one's business.
As far not being where you, yourself think you should be... I can relate to that in a mega.... way. I feel this way very strongly & I'm trying to see reasons why & trying to figure out what I can do about it. Not easy, because when you figure out why, you still have to get through the hard feelings of whatever was always stopping you… :x
Which brings me to a big mental leap for me here: I'm thinking that since I engage in these half-assed relationships and turn down or run away from anything more substantial...maybe I can't do intimacy right now either, at least not until this huge emotional open wound heals some more?
This is a big insight. I came to the same conclusion for myself not that long ago. I can see from my past relationship choices & what I tend to be attracted to now before I examine it :wink: . When I went further with that kind of thinking it made even more sense. But what a surprise….
It feels like if I had someone I knew I could really trust, I could heal that through our relationship. But how it seems to work, is that trust is built within ones own self, first…
Sometimes we do have our work cut out for us.
BT
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Longtire:
Everybody who responded to your "loneliness" concerns is right on the money. I mean who the hell are we to say, really? The emotional healthy, intellegent, caring woman of your dreams may be around the corner.........(way down the street)...
But chances are probably greater that you will experience what most of us have....something not "real" as you hope for, but something much different, based on desperation and fear (of being alone).
Heal yourself first, or the gaping wound of a person you will show to/share with others will not produce a genuine, healthy relationship.
Keep the woman of your dreams in your dreams for a while. It's a nice dream.....it will come true some time. Just fall in love with you first.
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me too. But I suspect it's not a bad thing...
I just sat talking to h about loneliness, he doesn't feel it but he said he felt bad for me.
When I hear him opening up and being honest I feel glad I stayed for so many years, and though it's not the relationship I wanted to do with him- at least it's real now.
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patz, bunny and mum (in no particular order),
I hear what you're saying and recognize that it will be some while AFTER the divorce is final before I would be ready to even consider another relationship. Being open to feel my loneliness, I'm aware that it has always been a presence in my life starting with my parents. With all its flaws, I used this marriage as a way to feel less lonely. That's another reason why I stayed for so long, waiting until I had enough inner resources to tolerate feeling those feelings and be OK. In childhood, my loneliness felt like it would never go away and it still has that same "feel" to me.
The hardest thing for me right now is getting out of this relationship and untangling all the strings. I know how to spot this kind of behavior now. I'm working through my issues and feeling all these feelings that are tough for me to tolerate. I'm not concerned about repeating history when I'm done with all this work. The real question is, when will that be?
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Hi longtire,
I think you will spot someone like your wife very quickly. Unfortunately, there are also messed-up women who don't behave like her at all. For instance, a woman who seems to answer all your prayers for depth, interest in discussing deep stuff, etc., may have some big problems but you would be so happy about this stuff that you won't notice. In other words, instability comes in various guises.
With that said, I think you can find someone special in future because you're quite a catch on many levels.
bunny
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Longtire: I can say from hard experience: WHEN that time (new person, etc) will be should not be on your list of questions right now.
I agree with Bunny, you will be quite a catch. Just be you for a while. The "when" will come when you don't need it anymore.
It's easy to look for the salve of a new relationship for an open wound but that's no way to get the real thing. Been there, done that. I ended up piling hurt upon hurt (wrong man upon wrong man) trying to avoid my pain. Stay with your pain, lean into it, ask it what it wants you to learn.
When you are totally happy inside (and not just yahoo, I'm free of her happy) then all will come your way. You are amazingly far on the road already, really. Congratulate yourself, take yourself out on a date.
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Longtire:
Bunny is right. People will tell you just about anything on a first date. We all put our best foot forward. When you are infatuated with people you are still learning the "maps" that make them up. You don't have time, nor does the other person to see the lumps under all that. I think it takes about 2-3 years to really "know" someone to see the warts and all. You will be a great catch, but just take time to know who you are and what you want, before hitching your star to another narc sheep in wolves clothing. Patz
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Hi,
This is difficult, even for an introvert like me who can do tons of time alone. But even us loners get lonely and antsy sometimes. I usually telephone someone who I like for a short chat, take a walk, or even go window shopping.
Feeling one's feelings is a good thing, but too much can be, well, too much. Take a break. Do something fun.
Take Care, Jo
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Good advice from all. I'm concentrating on doing what I need to do right now to take care of the situation. Right now, that's limiting my overexposure to my wife and other stressful situations. I'll leave what comes after this for later. I do keep reminding myself that there is going to be an "after this" that I will need to ready for one day.
I have to admit that despite being the philosophical person I am, I really like to hear your compliments. Thanks!
How's this for a strategy for deciding how I want to behave: Ask myself what someone with NPD would do in this situation and do the opposite. i realize that may not catch everything, but may indicate a problem if I do catch myself wanting to do these things.
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First let me apologize if my responses are out of sync with the 'threads'. I am glad to see some dialogue concerning personality types, i.e., introvert, extrovert. I tested INTJ. Retested, I test INTJ. I am a woman. As I understand it, women with this particular personality type are less than one percent of the population. This put me to thinking that if I was born an INTJ to a N mom, wasn't I kind of set up to be a total misfit from the get go. I became a howling success in business. Somehow I have been blessed with a handful of old and lasting friends who love me. I've often thought they must see something in me that I can't see. BUT in our family home, things were a mess. I was not socialized as a child or allowed to express emotions. I was controlled (can't do that to an INTJ who requiires almost total autonomy). I feel a kinship with you guest. I don't require a lot of people input (it drains me), but on the other hand I also, I desire someone(s) who yearns for deep, solid,walk through the fire together relationship. I have a college girlfriend who is an extrovert. If her weekend social calendar is not filled up by Wednesday evening, she goes into a tizzy. She often invites me to join in those activities. I decline and suggest that we engage in those activities that we both enjoy. Because of the boundaries I've set, we don't get together very often, but when we do it is fun. I guess what I'm saying is that with the persons you are tempted to bring back into your life, maybe if you set boundaries where you only do those things that are mutually enjoyble, you can have the best of both sides of the coin.
Thanks to Portia for comments about introvert/extrovert!
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Hi Chicksquip, maybe we should have an INTJ thread? What would we talk about?....*starts thinking*...
if I was born an INTJ to a N mom, wasn't I kind of set up to be a total misfit from the get go.
I don't know if my mom is an N. She seems to be a severely unhealthy extravert who lives in a reality known to only herself. No empathy, treats people as objects, no conscience, no sense of responsibility, actually very little emotion at all...INTJ kid watched, listened, came to the conclusion I must be a bit mad myself. She said to me "you're so logical!" as though it's a curse, something to be ashamed of. Oh yes, and "you're too honest" (so I started lying, I guess that's logical too? :roll: ).
I became a howling success in business.
Good! Is it good? I survived sometimes by the skin of my teeth. Did okay at work for a while but it was killing me so I stopped. Haven't much idea of what lies ahead.
Somehow I have been blessed with a handful of old and lasting friends who love me. I've often thought they must see something in me that I can't see.
That you are lovable! And thoughtful, balanced etc and see things in an interesting way? Do people say that to you?
I was not socialized as a child or allowed to express emotions.
Ditto. I've had terrible trouble learning how to 'chat' with people. And have expressed the 'wrong' emotions sometimes in public, not gauged the group feeling correctly. Whoops...
I was controlled (can't do that to an INTJ who requiires almost total autonomy).
I was controlled to a ridiculous extent. No friends allowed to visit, walk about quietly, trapped in a remote location. I'm thankful I wasn't an extravert. I'd have gone really nuts, maybe.
If her weekend social calendar is not filled up by Wednesday evening, she goes into a tizzy.
:shock: I worry if I have one social appointment a month! :D
if you set boundaries where you only do those things that are mutually enjoyble, you can have the best of both sides of the coin.
Agreed. And afterwards, we can have a good lie down to recuperate! P
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Portia,
You're one too? I mean INTJ. Good Lord, we do need to talk! You start the thread and I'll be right in there. I have a heck of a time expressing and explaining myself even now after years of trying to get right side up, but I'll sure give it a go. Thanks!