Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: bkkabri on February 16, 2005, 03:41:59 PM
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I guess I dont know how to write very well and I realize I am obsessing. The problem is nobody understands what the message is I am trying to understand in my head. Your a great number of years, I have dealt with emotional abuse, AIDS, bulimia, bi polar, homelessness, and now narcissism. Each time I sit with the people I love they act friendly and caring towards me. I genuinely love each of them and in the beginning they act like they love me back. Then without any reason, they look at me and say "your no good." My dad sat at the table and threatened suicide, my brother eats garbage off the ground, my first ex throws up in my bath tub and cries at the dinner table making me look like I did something to her in front of strangers. This new girl, I thought I did my homework on. She has a career, seems intelligent, kind of shy, but very open to me. I told her about my dad because some of her stories opened wounds. I didnt mean disrespect to her career, only to let her know that sometimes it hurts to know people have to feel pain and suffering. I had no empathy for understanding. Instead she thought it was a personal attact on her career. I also tried to sit with her and be her friend. Instead of laughing, she cursed me because of her insecurities. She devalued me. The point I am trying to make is that I dont understand why people I care about act so normal, and then freak out beyond normal situations. I feel like maybe I am the crazy one because this never happens to my peers. My friends say its bad luck. I am starting to beleive that people only come to me thinking I can solve their problems. I cant. I only want to be a friend. A lover, a husband, somebody you know who wont leave you hanging. I was always there for her, but I am not a mind reader. I feel like I cant be human with emotions because they take it as that I dont care for them. I would really just like someday to call a friend that I love and say would you like to meet for dinner, and they accept and dont freak out on me about other women's tits. I would really like to get a Xmas present that somebody special noticed about me and thought I would appreciate. I hate Xmas, I always get the worst gifts from people I love. Porn is so hurtful because she actually wouldnt let the joke go. I just cant beleive I was making a joke and she couldnt understand. I bought her the most beautiful things that she needed and she could care less. I am not trying to obsess. I am trying to understand why people think so low of me. I thought I was a great guy. I have alot of friends. What I dont have is that person that I love and who loves me back unconditionally. She said I was it, her best friend. Well my best friend left me because I didnt give her 80% of my day. I didnt know any of this I hope you people understand I am not trying to feel sorry for myself. I am trying to understand why I do good for people, and they feel its ok to shit on me like I was nothing. That is what I hurt so bad inside for. I expected Deena to love me for noticing she looked nice. I expected her to appreciate the gifts I bought from the heart. I expected to be able to call my dad and brother and say how would you guys like to meet up for a beer sometime. Maybe catch a game. I never had that, I never will. I thought I would at least have a woman to share my life with and respect each others needs. It kills me inside that I am not a doctor, because I would have listened. Her obession with her career really just took over and now I mean nothing. Just like I mean nothing to my dad and brother. I am trying to find peace. Deena was that peace for me. Somehow I blew it. Even if it wasnt my fault, I still lose because her mind says YOU DONT CARE ABOUT ME. In reality, I care alot. She just wont see it.
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I am starting to beleive that people only come to me thinking I can solve their problems. I cant.
That is exactly right. Stop engaing yourself with people with problems. Realize that if you have to save someone as soon as you meet them, you will be saving them over and over and over again.
Perhaps you are attracted to people who have problems because you are trying to solve your own problems through them, your family's problems through them, the world's problems through them?
Proxy problem solving never works. Only makes us repeat history over and over.
Do not get involved with anyone but yourself for a bit. Solve your own problems first. Then think about what you can do for others.
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I am trying to understand why I do good for people, and they feel its ok to shit on me like I was nothing.
What's your understanding of this bad turn of events?
bunny
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My dad sat at the table and threatened suicide, my brother eats garbage off the ground, my first ex throws up in my bath tub and cries at the dinner table making me look like I did something to her in front of strangers.
How do these people manage to tell you "You're no good" by doing these things? Why are their actions telling you this? These sound like their problems, not yours. The fact that these people have their own set of problems does not reflect on your own. Everyone has got something that they're working on, bad or good. This is not a barometer of what kind of person YOU are.
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I would really just like someday to call a friend that I love and say would you like to meet for dinner, and they accept and dont freak out on me about other women's tits. I would really like to get a Xmas present that somebody special noticed about me and thought I would appreciate.
So why don't you? Why are you gauging all future responses from people on this one woman? What makes you think that EVERYONE YOU EVER MEET AGAIN would behave like this? I think it's completely odd that even ONE person acted like this, but the world is full of fruit loops too. You will never know until you get up, brush yourself off, and get out there.
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It kills me inside that I am not a doctor
It kills me inside that I'm not a Mrs. Bill Gates.
Brian, do you actually believe that if you were to change your profession or were already a doctor, this situation would be any different?? At what point are you going to realize that it was inevitable?? And why on God's green earth would you want to go back and be with someone like this?
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Is it remotely possible that he becomes what he perceives that the other person wants from him? If so he does not exist as a person. He is merely a reflection of his friend or partner. Sooner or later the other person will realize that he is not really there. I was told once by a seminar mentor that when you compromise yourself piecemeal to be accepted by others, one day you wake up and realize that you, who you are, has been lost. The only thing in life that we truly own is our integrity. Who and what we are, the good and the bad, IS who we are.
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again, if it happpened once by a person, I could be like hey this person is crazy. It seems to happen to me all the fucking time. I am sick and tired of people that I love and start out showing me love to freak out and act like I am at fault. I wish people could sit back in my situation with somebody they care about and think about the statements they made to me. You all act like you just pick up and walk away. Its not like that. Theses are not strangers. These are people who became family and then start to act strange. I wish I walked away from my dad. fuck him. He lied to me for years and made it my fault. My mom lied to me for years and said I dont know, the woman I love is like hey its ok for me to freak about other women even if he wasnt talking about their bodies. The point is these are not strangers. Take somebody you love and watch them condemn you for something you have no control of or understanding and then just walk away. I am sorry you are gay dad, you can do the AIDS thing by yourself. Fuckit, I wont post anymore. Its easy to give advice, try holding somebody you love and know they are dead and they wont repspond. Try holding someone you love and they are alive, and they wont respond. I give up. I wont post anymore. sorry to inconvenience you all. Thank you for your worrds. I really I am just a messed up person and all these people were right. Especially my ex. I must have a little of my dad in me because I can match a color to the floor. the sick thing is her whole house is painted like mine. She can steal my ideas, but not accpet my heart. I am too busy looking at other women. sorry to be a burden.
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At what point are you going to realize that it was inevitable??
Now how many times has that been said and how many times is it gonna get said.This is all getting rather ridiculous.Bkkabri has been telling the identical story since November and we'll be heading into month number 4 soon.
Play armchair pychologist all you want but consider that your constant replies to his repetitive obsessing *could* be contributing to it at this point.Encouraging it.
Ever notice how messages with real valid points that would call him to take some responsibility or some action get totally ignored- but ones that are an open door for him to start the whole repetitive story again are quickly taken up?
I honestly can't understand *why*people keep replying the exact same things to the exact same story.It is like the circular conversations one has with N! At some point ya gotta step out of it.
Of course-- if you believe you can help--- It's going on 4 months and counting-- knock yourself out---
p.s. This was in no way a **personal** dig at bkkarbi.how could I not wish someone suffering like that to heal from it. I certainly do.
***I just question the sanity, the point, and the possible enabling effect of never ending pep talks that match his never ending obsessing***
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Bkkabri has been telling the identical story since November and we'll be heading into month number 4 soon.
Not exactly an identical story, even if it seems like it.
Is he starting to get *angry* now...?
I liked Phillip's post. But not your new sign off Phillip! Thinking without action is fine by me, sometimes necessary.
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I will stop talking about it. I know she has the problem. I read your posts, they are true. I obess because I wish so much inside this wasnt true. I am sorr for being angry. She is the first person I ever felt connected with for a real future. She made me beleive in her, and then when we were comfortable, she exploded. I have to just understand that the words came from her mouth without me doing anything. I appreciate you trying to help. Truth is my brain is fried because I cant understand why the people I love cant love me back after they said they do. I know that a 37 year old woman without kids, never married, and freaking out like this has to be a problem. I dont feel sorry for the next guy, I am envious. I know its sick to say that, but right now he gets the good Deena. Who knows when the animal will attack. I just really miss my best friend. She doesnt even want to know me and that really hurts because I thought we were close. I just found that I am being written up in a major magazine about my business. I wanted to tell her, but that is why she felt this is one sided. I worked hard for little successes. I wasnt trying to make it one sided. I was trying to share my experience for the success of both of us. I knoow I sound crazy, I just wonder why she freaked about other women. I know its easy on the outside to see this, but I am swimming in the sewer of our last conversations and its like she is telling me everything I did for her was for nothing.. I hate this disease, I hate myself for being stupid and loving the old woman. I am sorry for being a burden. I am angry. I am angry that I cant have what should be so normal in life. Love. I crave it because it always seems to be pulled away after it presents itself.
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Talk about it all as long as you wish. Very serious question: Do you need anyone to reply?
I hate this disease
so do I.
I hate myself for being stupid
you're not stupid.
I am sorry for being a burden.
you're not a burden.
I am angry. I am angry that I cant have what should be so normal in life. Love.
Being angry is fine, it's okay. Be angry.
I crave it because it always seems to be pulled away after it presents itself.
Love is two-way. It doesn't present itself. One-way love is the love you have for an object. The object doesn't love you back, even if you imagine it does. Like some men and their cars!
Please answer my very serious question Brian. Please please please. Okay? Just that one. I'm pleading, please please answer that one.
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Truth is my brain is fried because I cant understand why the people I love cant love me back after they said they do.
No, sweetheart, your brain is fried because it is. It is making you think the same thing over and over.
Did you "get" my previous post? Here is what it was trying to say, in plainer language. I'm being blunt to get through all of your swirling pain so you can hear me:
1. you have a lot of anxiety, too much for you to be able to live the kind of life you would like
2. your problems aren't causing this degree of anxiety. You are thinking about the problems because of the anxiety, not the other way around.
3. you need something PHYSICAL to fix this.
4. go to the doctor.
5. Ask for something like Paxil or Zoloft or whatever else in that vein that would work with your physical chemistry and medical history. Insist that you leave that office with a prescription.
6. Take your medicine. Wait a couple of weeks.
7. Find a therapist and start to work on this stuff with your brain clear. Or, don't if you don't want to. I think the medicine will help a lot more than anything else right now.
It is not a weakness to recognize that you are really in pain and need help-- part of you knows you are needing something different to wake you up a bit. It will be like the fog has lifted for you.
If your response doesn't suggest you read this, I guess I'll give up. But I do hope you read it. I don't mean to be bossy-- this really is sent with love.
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***I just question the sanity, the point, and the possible enabling effect of never ending pep talks that match his never ending obsessing***
Good point. I did notice that when a post is made that very closely defines his actions, he gets angry.
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I need the replies. thank you for understanding. I just wonder how you all are able to understand somebody you loved crapped on you and you are fine with it. I know it hurts but you seem to be alright. I guess I am asking people on this sight who were in a relationship with someone if these things happened as I described. I feel so alone inside because my peers cant beleive what I am saying because they met her. She seemed fine when they met, but they all say they dont really know her. I feel crazy because I feel like maybe I am the one who caused her behaviours to react with such rage. I am the one acting like a ten year old now, but before this all happened I was completely level headed, sure of myself, and knew which way was up. I just dont understand and I keep saying that because I never dreamed that my girlfriend who I loved and said I loved would stop loving me and push me away with rage. I just didnt know how to speak about medical stuff all the time or talk about the pain and suffering people endure with a disease. I am being punished because I didnt have the stomach to talk about how a person will end up dying. Your personal stories will help me greatly. And just to help me, I would like to know how you feel about her behavior. I know its my conversations I have on here, but it happened just as I told it. In the end, I know this is who she is, but I wish I could have helped her understand. As you can see, she thinks it was all about me. I only did my thing while she studied. How is that onesided. Thankyou. Sorry, I am finding a new therapist. The one I had was a waste.
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Maybe assuming the "blame" for the disfunctions of others is a part of his issue. This would draw N type personalities to him. My uneducated guess would be that this works for him for a time, but eventually does not leave him with a satisfying relationship. I agree that obsessing is only the psyche attempting to find a comfort level with behaviors that he is not willing or seemingly capable of changing within himself. I have come to view my mind as a really bad dog that needs to have my foot on it's neck in order to keep it from biting me. It appears cruel, and extreme, but the metaphor works for me, to remember that I am in control of my thinking and not the other way around.
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What you are doing is assuming people who love one another are always nice to each other. Here is some news: they are not. People who love one another are still human and get upset with one another. This is unavoidable. No matter how hard you tried, your girlfriend at some point would be cross with you. No matter how hard she tried, you would at some point be cross with her. You are "catastrophising" and "personalising" so that everything they do is your fault and very terrible. Her comments about you looking at other women are a normal female complaint from a girl to a guy. So I am suggesting that you do have a problem, and should seek therapy. A therapist will help you to change your expectations of others to more healthy expectations. Also a therapist will help you find less needy friends.
good luck,
S
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I have a reputation among those who know me for being blunt. It is not because I do not care. I have a normal amount of empathy, perhaps an excess. It is just that I think syrupy back patting often allows people to wallow in the misery instead of taking action. I was depressed for over a year because of my brother's destruction of my life. I needed somebody to slap my face and say "wake up and take charge of your life". Unfortunately nobody did. I wasted a year moping and grieving while he stuck the knife in deeper and twisted it.
I only say all that so that you know the perspective I bring to your plight. You are in a fog. You are paralyzed just as I was by hopelessness and self pity. You are obsessed with what you lost or what might have been. I've got news for you, you didn't lose anything. There was nothing there. You didn't lose her love because Ns are incapable of love. You should be thanking God above you found out before you got married and had kids. Make a plan of action and stick to it. Just meeting some goals will help you start digging out.
Some suggestions.
1.Look until you find a therapist who helps.
2.Fix your mind on the blessings in your life.
3.When you start slipping into obsession find a positive activity.
4.Most of all realize that there are over three BILLION women in the world. There is one who will love you and ISN'T a freaking whacko. But for heavens sake don't start looking for one now.
5. Don't be sorry for being angry. She ripped your heart out. Count it as a lesson learned and shake her dust off your feet.
6. Most important. Don't use this board or even therapy as a substitute for taking control of your life and your emotions. Take action for crying out loud.
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bkkrabi------ Please take this post with a grain of salt. I may not know what I am talking about. But I feel like I am similar to you in that I go around in circles and it is hard for me to break free of obsessive thinking and I also tend to think that people treat me wrong becuase of something I did, which seets me up to try to "do better" so that they won't treat me bad anymore but I am starting to realize that this on;y makes them treat me worse because they realize that they can----no matter how bad they treat me, I'll think it was because I deserved it and be back next time like a puppy dog.
Also I know how hard it is to step back and work on yourself, and stop it from being about other people anymore. I am resisting it hardcore too. It just hurts so bad and is very lonely. I talked to my therapist and I said my mind runs around like a gerbil on a wheel and she said why do you think that is and I realized that to stop it would be to face and feel the pain. And that would be devastating. Maybe it is like that for you too???
(((((bkkkarbi)))))
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Perhaps I wan't clear enough the first time. It is not like that for me at all. I have never been lured into believing that what some psycho does to me is my fault. Nor did I obsess over what my brother was/is doing. I thought about it and was dragged down by it because I had to deal with his harrassment on a daily basis. In fact we will be locking horns for years to come no doubt. What I did and what you are doing is thinking about the bad stuff all the time. I had to. I was/am still in the middle of it. You on the other hand are free of a nutjob and instead of praising God for his infinite mercy of delivering you from a life of horrors with this woman all you do is pine for her.
The point is no therapist will be able to help you if you are determined to wallow in the mud. And most of your posts seem to be exactly that. There is a difference between seeking support or advice and seeking validation for what is pretty clearly an unhealthy mindset.
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Brian,
I agree with Vuneil that you would be well-served by getting on some medication. I would not have survived the first few months without it. I could not eat or sleep--went to 110 lbs, and was in more pain than I thought was possible.
The meds brought back my appetite and my ability to function and think clearly. You need to do that. They really are designed for people in your situation and they will make you feel better. Stop obsessing on something you cannot change and take action on something you can--yourself.