Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Anonymous on February 23, 2005, 04:33:00 PM
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Dear Abuser:
You have hurt me. You have caused me great pain and suffering and turmoil. You have wrecked so much in my life. You have caused me to lose part of myself. You have silenced me by being bigger, louder, stronger, more cruel, more of a liar, more sneaky, smarter, conniving, a trickster, a con, by gossiping and spreading slime, by convincing others of your truth, by dragging me into the abys with your steal claws, your teeth bared and your firey eyes gleaming with enjoyment. You are mean and nasty and jealous and full of hate. You are a liar and a thief.
You terrify me. You are so sick. You are so very, very lost and fragile and parts of you are so very human and obviously messed up. Those aren't the parts that scare me though, it's your vacant parts that infuse me with fear. The stuff that's missing from your soul that allows you to behave like a leech without any thought whatsoever to my loss of blood. The fact that you can repeat your stuff over and over and over and over with such gusto and while perfecting what you do, each time, becoming more and more adept at your games, your tricks, your blood sucking leeching... is frightening because I cannot tell when or where or how it will ever end, or who will be your next victim, or why there is no way to stop you.
But there isn't. I know that. I have to accept it. I have to live with it. I have to go on, regardless of your venum spewing tactics and your life draining ploys. There is no way to stop you. And you will never stop yourself, will you?
And what really gets me is how perfectly you make yourself appear while extracting each drop of blood. How incidiously you have done it, for years and years and how easily I let you away with it! You are right. You are perfect. You are perfect at what you do. I doubt there is a way to improve on that. No one else could do a better job than you. No one else could possibly be more convincing, more lovable-looking while stealing life force with such perfection! I must remind myself to forgive me for lettiing you do that. For not detecting it. I am in no way nearly, or partially, as perfect at such things, or their detection.....as you are. You're so it.
I want to rip your teeth from your head. I want to pull your claws out. I want to strip your costume away and let the world see your naked raw pathetic shallowness, your falsehood, every twisted word, every fake inch of you, every wicked twisted part. It's the anger that makes me want to expose you. The anger.....that drives such thoughts. Anger. So much of it. Not enough though.....to fill me with hate.
And I feel sorry for you. I really do. And so I can't feel angry for long because I know in my mind that you are truly a sick puppy. You are really not responsible for the way you are. You did not cause it or choose it. You are the victim of something else that is not your doing. But at the same time.....I know you have made choices.....it's just that whatever sick, ill, diseased thing that drives you is in charge.....and I feel such pity for such a powerless, clueless, heartless person. You can't stop yourself, can you? You just can't.....so you think....so you believe.....so you just continue to act like a snake.
Pity. Guilt for feeling angry with your sickness. Giant anger. Round and round. Over and over. Some days are better than others. Some days I forget entirely about you. Some days I go on with my life as if you never existed. Some days I feel no pain at all. I am able to completely block it. It's not there. It's gone. It's over. I can't erase it but I can ignor it. Or I can release it a little at a time. Like now. What you did to me has no power on those days. What you do to me has no power on those days.
But on other days........I want to scream. I want to wring your kneck. I want to hide some place. I want to end the pain and the hurt and the anger and the guilt and the stupid pity. I want to go over to your house and throw eggs at your windows. I want to put banana peels where you walk. I want to lay glass under the tires of your car. I want to agrivate you. Irritate you. Cause you inconvenience. Upset your equilibrium...or what appears to be your equilibrium. I want to drain your energy the way you have drained mine. I want to break your spirit like you've broken mine. I want to give you some of your own medicine and see you squirm, for a change. And then I feel frustrated for wanting that because I know it won't do any good. For you or for me. It won't do any good.
You haven't done anything wrong, right? You have nothing to be sorry for. You are unaware of how much you hurt, how much you destroy. You aren't capable of imagining yourself in that light. You are just perfect and IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII am the one who is f*(*&^%$%^$#'d up!!!
And you've convinced the world that it is so. And you will keep your campaign going until you thinkkkkkkkkkkk of something more enjoyable to do. Won't you?
And I will have to accept it and move away from what you do, from what you generate, from what you try to infuse, from what you try so hard to create. I am soooooooo lucky! Because I am notttttt like you. I can do exactly that and I am doing it......a bit at a time.....on some days......and on more and more days, as the days go by. And sooooooooon.........you will just be a sad thought, a weak memory, a half-forgotten series of events that fade and fade, as time passes. I hope you miraculously heal. I hope you are cured some day. I hope you will see the light and change the way you behave. That's the best I can hope for and it's what separates me from you by such a great, wide, deep chasm.
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That is the perfect expression of having one of these "things" in your life. I have nothing to add, but God bless you whoever you are.
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Amen.
Can I frame this?
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Thankyou and I hope God agrees.
I'm GFN..... for all it matters.
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hahahahahahahah......Longtire! :D Don't make me laugh at a time like this!!
Frame it and take it to the gallery.
Tell them you've found the most explicit piece of work!! Or is that....experienced it?? :?
heehee
GFN
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I just love it when someone puts into words how I feel! I love the imagery and the poetry! I love the Truth. God bless you for having to feel this way. God bless you for giving voice to what I feel.
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whoever you are....exquisite!...
Thanks for reminding us to acknowledge our pain as we move through it.
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Dear Longtire:
God bless you for calling my words poetry and imagry. They feel like poison being expelled and clensing. God bless you for loving the truth And God bless you for having to feel this way and having to recognize it .
GFN
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exquisite!...
Too generous Mum.
Thanks for reminding us to acknowledge our pain as we move through it.
Is that what it is? It just feels like I'm drowning in it and needing to blow enough bubbles and kick hard, gasp for air, and bob up and down like that, but at least I'm not sunk.
I guess I'm moving through it....toward some shore...but it sure is hard going against such rough waters.
GFN
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Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
You won't believe this, but this afternoon I have been composing letters in my head b/c I have been at a low ebb and feeling so powerless over my feelings. Then I come on here and read your post. Geezus, you are a blanking genius!!! I can't thank you enough.
I am sorry for your pain, I truly am. But I want you to know how much you have helped me by writing this post. Thank you soooo much!!!!!
Terry
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GFN (you are the author, correct?)
I need to read your letter AGAIN and scream!
I am SOOOO angry!
I just got off the phone with my lawyer. I know she was giving me straightforward, honest advice, but how could the world be soooo wrong?
It appears that my ex has all the cards, for if my children were to speak out against seeing him soo much, he/his attorney will very likely accuse me of parental alienation syndrome. I know I cannot speak for them but now things are such in family courts here that children cannot even speak for themselves. Once my daughter did insist (to her dad and stepmom) on coming over to my house when she was sick, on her dad's "time"and she was treated rather brutally (not physical, but the kind that won't leave marks). I told my attorney I would love to have that and like stories exposed, and she said, "I'd hate to see you waste your money going through all this, because we know he lies, even on the stand. He may just deny it happened. And if the kids speak out against him to a judge (which they are terrified to do), and since it is so close to your losing your case to move.....he/his attorney will most likely accuse you of brainwashing your children out of bitterness and a vendetta."
I actually happen to know a woman who was accused of that by the very law firm my ex uses....so they are well versed in this twisted tactic. Although neither parent gets to "speak" for a child in court, this latest disgusting trend in family courts actually gives the non custodial parent a voice, and effectively mutes the custodial parent AND the children.
How can his lawyer call herself a mother! She is heartless, a perfect match for him.
NOW I want to rage and rant! Picture 3 people, completely at the mercy of a heartless, self involved infant, who has the blessings of the courts to gag his own children. THAT is my children's life! They are old enough to speak up, but under 18, so they are NON people in this current climate!
I WILL feel this fully and when I am done.....I will let it go (maybe not right this second)......let go........not allow him to also have power over my mind and spirit. And yes, GFN, that is what seperates us from them... I will find happiness in this pain.......and remember this:
HE IS IN HELL FOREVER!
Okay, I feel better. I have already started to drop it. Nothing has changed....so I will.
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GFN,
Mum was not too generous. It is a rare writer who can put down EXACTLY what he or she feels. It is even rarer to put down what others feel. Your words pierced right to the heart of what it is to be bulldozed by an N. Cathartic is the best word for it. It lets us know there are kindred spirits out there.
You said "Thank you and I hope God agrees"
God is love. You are crying out in pain and rage at the betrayal of love. I think it is a pretty safe bet He agrees.
God bless.
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:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:
Tears of understanding, Terry, of knowing such pain.
Tears of utter frustration and anger, Mum, the sob, I hope he rots!!!
And tears of feeling understood, Guest, and heard.
Thankyou all.
GFN
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mum,
Your last post put tears in my eyes and I'm a guy. What a world! I just pray your kids and you stay strong. It is small comfort I know but remember the only thing worse than being the victim of one of these hyenas is actually being one yourself. You have the love of a mother and he has a hole where his soul is supposed to be.
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GFN
Bravo! I agree with everything except "smarter".
Thanks for putting that down in words. I am going to cut and paste it and let my hubby read it b/c he has been through so much stress involving X N as well.
Mum, as far as PAS goes I think the kids can say negative things against Dad as long as they have legitimate reasons and can clearly spell them out to a third party. Generally, red flags are raised when then children say, "I hate Dad" or "I don't want to go to Dad's house" and they don't have any specific reason for it. I think if they have detailed descriptions of inappropriate/negative situations then they are more likely to be taken seriously. But I know where your lawyer is coming from too. In my opinion this whole PAS stuff is a bunch of nonsense created by a bunch of liberals. Remember, just my opinion and sorry if you happen to be a liberal but that has been my experience thus far. :wink:
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Thanks for the support. It honestly surprised me how much it helped me.
To the last guest who posted...I appreciate your support. My understanding of this PAS garbage is that it is an agenda of "father's rights initiatives" and has little or no substantive support from the phsychological community, but LOTS of support from lawyers and wealthy, insecure ass hole fathers...and thus the courts listen. There is a great site: www.thelizlibrary.org where you can read a lot about this. It gets to you after a while though, because case after case, children are pawns in a game for swine.......... custody is given to abusers time and time again....PAS is just another little twist on taking freedom and voice away from the innocent.
As far as "liberal".....no offense taken. As a liberal, though, I could just as easily say it's a reflection of the conservative, male dominated, right wing agenda. But, really, I believe the truth is not on one side or the other.....there are things in this world that suck and this is one of them.
I remain steadfast in my ability to find my (and my kids') way out of this fog. I leave tomorrow (kids are with dad) for another very infrequent and brief vacation with my fiance, siblings and aging mother, who is deteriorating slowly in a nursing home (2000 miles away). It is always bittersweet, but this is my pain, and I WILL learn and grow stronger from this!
Good things will come my way....and lots are already here...this I know.
You'll see, I will post some amazing thing here one day that will change everything..........and it will give all of us hope!
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Jeesh, I just read my last post and I should clarify! I'm afraid the "you'll see I will post some amazing thing.... " may have sounded like I think I will be a voice of God, or a prophet or some other rather N sounding thing!. I really meant that I believe something wonderful will happen to me and in the telling of it, we will all feel there is hope or a way out.
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Thank you to the original poster for allowing me to feel the pain and anger in my heart. I felt it emerging as I read your letter. I have buried the pain so deeply but it needs to come out. Your passionate, angry post helped me to feel my feelings. I feel sure it is cathartic for you to have written such a post and am glad you are no longer with the Narcissist concerned and that you have hope in your heart for future happiness.
To Mum: I am horrified by the injustice of such a system. I hope you and the kids will prevail in this awful struggle. Keep being hopeful and I'll be praying for you. Safe travelling, also.
S
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Mum, I'm so sorry for your struggle, you give me so much insight.
accuse me of parental alienation syndrome.
How do you avoid this one?
They will say anything. Your kids live with you, This is too easy.
I know I will have to face this one, I have so many worries about the divorce nite mare, about to face me.
You are always strong, you shake it off quick to move on to better thoughts.
thinking peace for your family ..... onlyrenting
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your writings were dead on. I have these emotions that just flare up because on one hand I love her so much and on the other I want her to suffer for the cruelity of her words. I just wish that our relationship meant something to my ex N. I wish she had the ability to talk to me about her needs I wish I never told her about my dad so that she felt like she could talk about her day. I just wish she cared for us like she made me beleive. I am sick inside knowing she knows about me, and that she used my family against me to make me feel weak. I didnt ask for AIDS to be in my life. I didnt ask for her to stop talking about her day. I asked a human being to respect the fact that I cant stomach the graphic details of disease. Was that asking too much? I need to know because I dont want anyone to do this to me again. The good news is I found my old therapist, and she agreed to take me on. I hope I can regain my soul again. God hate my ex for making me love the facade. I miss it so much.
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GFN: Thank you so much for the eloquent post. It touched me immeasureably. Patz
Mum: There is one thing your ex-narc is not counting on. His behaviour will eventually alienate his children. It is such a large problem now sharing with him, but eventually your children will have a mind of their own. There independence will be excercised and he will be cut off.
I have seen this played out in my girlfriend's life. Her older son has nothing to do with his father because of all the lies, his missed promises, the on going court apperances.......Now he can't understand why his son does not have anything to do with him. My girlfriend made sure her children had their visitation, made sure she did all the things necessary. When her children matured they just made their own decision. You will ultimately win everything............love cannot be bought, it cannot be cajoled, it cannot be brow beaten into any one. Love involves self sacrifice and I assure you that your children will realize and KNOW the real "go to person". Patz
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mum,
No need to apologize for hope. You sound like someone in the darkness hoping and expecting the sun to come back up someday. That is not presuming to be a mouthpiece for God.
I must admit I cringed when I read Guest blaming PAS on liberals and I'm about as conservative as you can get.
"But really, I believe the truth is not on one side or the other... there are things in this world that suck and this is one of them."
Amen to that. Left or right, man or woman, black or white; human nature is capable of unspeakable things.
I pray that God blesses you for your gentle spirit and I look forward to reading your amazing posts someday.
Mudpuppy
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mum,
I'm sorry to hear such discouraging things from your attorney. I believe that there is such a thing as PAS. But not here. It doesn't look like it at all. Your exN's attorney may even be famous for accusing the custodial parent of PAS. Maybe he has quite a reputation for it. And maybe his accusations are now seen as a "ploy" rather than as substantiated fact. Is that possible??
bunny
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GFN
Great post! My Mom was over today and I had to pull it up again and read it to her. I'm very close with my Mom and she experiences the pain my X N inflicts since it involves her daughter and grandkids.
Mum , it's very scary how lawyers are using PAS as a weapon. Thus far I don't think that my x N has caught wind of the PAS phenomenon (knock on wood). That's the only card he hasn't played in his ongoing litigation.
Mia
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Thankyou everyone who has posted to me and for saying such nice things about what I wrote. You are all very kind and I really appreciate your support. It felt like the words just burst out of me for some reason and then I was afraid to press submit. The guilt thing again. Not wanting to offend anyone. Worrying that I was being too harsh. Even, afraid to put my GFN at the end of it. Stupid guilt and fear.
But......I did press submit.....anyway......and I'm not sure how to express my gratitude for so many understanding and flattering comments. I really did not expect that and I'm sure I blush every time I read those. I remember thinking......"this could be a lot of people here expressing what they feel about their abusers"...but then I just kept typing and trying to say it from my thoughts and from my gut.....which turns out to be a lot of people's point of view. I'm sorry that so many here have had to endure such pain. It does help to share and especially to know that other people understand what it's like (but it makes me feel sad to think that so many do know exactly these things). I hope you all do take hold of the idea that some day this will all be a bland, thin, weak, hardly visible and fading memory, with little effect on our lives. It's a good goal.
Mum----what about a third party? Are there any counselors involved with you kids that could do affidavits? Any other witnesses, that they have expressed their feelings/experiences re dad and visiting dad to? My experience with the legal system has been to fact them to death. The more paper you have, with competent, expert signatures intact, the better. The higher that stack of factual information....the more likely your position will be viewed as substantiated. It takes a great amount of energy and time to seek out information that will benefit your case but it is well worth it. Lawyers do not waste their time on this. This is something one must do for oneself....especially....if there are allegations made of PAS.
I hope your trip to visit your mother goes well and I'm looking forward to reading that great story too!
GFN