Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: annabelle on October 22, 2003, 08:15:50 PM
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This is my first visit to this chat room (or any chat room).
Anyway, I've been trying to leave my narcissist husband for months but he sucks me in everytime with his apologies, promise to do anything to change, and admittances that he does what he does. He does not admit fully yet that he is a narcissist but says he understands that he does perform some of the behaviors I highlight to him. I have 2 children ages 2 and 3 1/2 and worry about them becoming narcissists if I stay with this man, and I worry about growing more anger inside myself, and losing myself. I'm currently on Prozac (everything else in my life is great except my marriage) and no matter how much prozac I take, my marriage hasn't improved. Any advice on how to leave?
And, on how the kids are impacted?
Thanks,
Annabelle
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i have no kids so I can't speak to that one - but I did leave a narcissistic man . I recall the difficulty you describe, and only defeated it by doing it when he was not around. He went on a trip for a week, and I took the time to remove everything, so that I was far away when the usual routine of "here is why you can't leave because I am so wonderful to you" routine became moot. I had left. I hope this helps
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Hi Geekgirl,
Thanks for your help. I've thought about leaving when he's away which is a great idea. I just have to deal with the guilt of being so secretive and "stealing away" without giving him warning, although I've told him so much I don't want this marriage anymore, so I guess he won't be too surprised. Thanks again,
Annabelle
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Don't feel guilty about saving yourself anyway you can. Guilt is what HE would have you feel. He "knows better than you" and if he wants you to stay then you while you want to leave, he will tell you the problem is yours.
It isn't, but you will NEVER get that validation from him. So accept it from me. It IS okay to leave him, any way you choose. He is the one with the problem.
One more thing - like you, my partner tried to convince me the psychotherapy and/or meds would help me see more clearly how wonderful he was, and I bought that. But there is no pill that you can take that will fix somebody else's problem. Don't take the Prozac hoping it will improve HIM.
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Hi Annabelle:
It is very hard to leave an Nhusband. When they are good to you, it feels great, when they are bad, you wonder what went wrong. You must think of yourself first. If you believe the marriage is over and don't want to spend the rest of your life with him, make a plan to leave. I stayed way too long and I did lose myself. I knew at the 10 year mark that things would never be better. But I kept trying and hoping and was fearful to leave him. I started on prozac at the 10 year mark because I felt so hopeless. It helped. I stayed 10 more years and now I have to rebuild my life and myself. I am doing so much self-discovery. One thing though is that I struggle with not liking myself for staying in a bad marriage. On one hand I can say I gave the marriage everything I had and on the other hand I can say I stayed way too long. The longer one stays with a narcissicus, the more damage is done to self-esteem.
Once you take care of yourself, you won't worry so much about the effects on the children. They need you to be happy and feel good so you can take care of them...then dealing and coping with the divorce event is more manageable. You have to take care of yourself. That was my big mistake. I put his needs and the kids ahead of mine and l am paying the emotional price.
You deserve to be happy. For better or for worse refers to what life hands-out to a couple, not what one person dishes out to another.
Stay strong!
Terry
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Hi Terry,
After reading your reply (which I consider a gift), I feel like I want to cry - and I haven't been able to feel emotions for some time now due to living with an N I now realize. Thank you so much for your advice. It's so helpful to hear the experiences of people who've been there, as I'm sure you remember, when you're in it, you can only see the present, and as you said, when the present is nice, you hold out so much hope (over and over!) You've really helped give me more strength with which to start the leaving process! I am looking forward to self discovery like you've been doing - I hope it feels like you're starting a new life. I'm just realizing so many parts I've given up about myself - enjoyment of cooking (per N husband, too messy), foreign language films (per N husband, too pretentious), certain styles of music, the paper I read, my hobbies, etc.
Again, thank you so much for your support and wisdom. I already feel stronger. Take care of your growing, unfolding self!
Annabelle
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O.k. Terry, now I am crying - and this is crying on Prozac, so imagine what it would be if I weren't on it! :) Thanks for a much needed, long overdue release of emotions that thankfully I now know I still have in me.
Annabelle
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This is what I realized about me - yes, I was tired all the time, and didn't always think clearly, and I made mistakes, and I get angry. But I'd get angry when lied - surprise? - and most other behaviors I'd feel guilty about when he'd point them out were also reactions to his manipulation and abuse. He was a master psychological batterer. He'd say and do things in such a way I'd feel like scum, but when I'd talk about it, he'd explain I was jumping to conclusions, etc, and we'd soon be talking about all that was wrong with me.
I, too, was on antidepressants, but with him out of my life I was able to get off them in less than a year. In my case,HEe was the problem, but he was convinced it was opposite, and he almost convinced me.
My Nhusband was an energy sucking, lying vampire, and after I left and started to detox I realized how lucky I was to have escaped. At first, his tapes still played in my head. Be strong, and take care of yourself and your children.
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My names ashley and I'm 17. I've been married to my husband since i was 16 and its horrible. He treats me like shit, he has hit me before, he cheats and he has said numerous times that he doesnt love me. I want to leave him because i am miserable and i have been crying myself to sleep for almost a year now and im sick of it. i want to leave but my mother will not let me move back in with her, i have no car, i'm pregnant, i have a job that gives me $100.00 a week so i can't afford a place of my own, i have looked into womens shelters but i am not abused physically only mentally and emotionally, so i cant get into there. i just dont know what to do! someone help please!
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ashley
mental and emotional abuse are even worse than physical and take a lot longer to heal from. It takes a long time and the sooner you start healing the better for your sake and your child's sake. Besides you say that he has actually hit you. Abuse only gets worse in time.
Womens shelters take women who are being abused, no matter what type of abuse it is, and even if the physical abuse has only happened once that is enough. You are with an abuser. If you get in touch with the shelter you should be able to talk to someone to start off with and they should be able to help you plan your escape.
Terry
I put his needs and the kids ahead of mine and l am paying the emotional price.
A lot of people make this mistake, kids need to grow up in a safe place where their mother is able to see to their needs which she cannot do if she is with an abuser. If she stays she is passing the abuse on to the next generation.
take care
Mati
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(((((((((((((Annabelle))))))))
I don't have the same problem as you, but I would say it is time to start planning seriously. You are right to be concerned about the kids - for many reasons. Are there relatives you can live with? A shelter nearby? Do you have any resources?
Many here will be able to give you good advice. I like your spunk and sense of humor. Please keep visiting and posting. We will be here when you make the break. There will be some hard times ahead, but you can do it. So many here have and their lives are so different - and good - now.
Love, Beth
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((((ashley)))))
Welcome. Do you have any relatives you can stay with? Do they understand the situation you are in? Do you have friends? Is there any way to save a bit more money?
I am so sorry for you. Your situation is very tough. You will definitely need to scrape together everything you have. Although youcannot get help from women's shelters, is there a church or organization nearby you can look into??
Please keep posting and let us know how you are.
Love, Beth
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Ashley and Ann,abelle
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I have made so many mistakes in the areas you are talking about that I cannot even comment. I am sending you love and prayer.
(((((((((((((((((Ashley, Annabellle))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Love Ami
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Dear Ashley,
It hurts my heart to think of you in such a mess. One of my daughters was married to such a character... divorced now and he's providing no support for their little girl, who's 3 1/2, but she and her mama are doing okay on their own.
Just want you to know that this mess is not the end of all hope for you.
She was able to find roommates to help share the expenses of getting her own apartment... maybe that is an option for you?
Also, I wondered... since you are legally a minor, isn't there some other help available through social services?
I used to be in the Lutheran church, which has an excellent organization for helping young moms.
You can do a google search in your state of residence for "Lutheran Child and Family Services" and contact them?
Hugs to you, dear girl... please know that my prayers for you and your baby are that you will receive the help you need to be able to live in a safe place, surrounded by people who will cherish you both. Please write back when you can and let us know how you're doing?
Oh, also, there may be a Christian legal aid office in your area where you can get good counsel on how to manage other aspects of this situation.
Google that and see what you find? The more you let people know of your need, I am sure the help will be there... just around the corner.
God bless and keep you.
With love,
Carolyn
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Ashlee,
first off, NO ONE EVER DESERVES ABUSE OF ANY FORM E...V...E..R...!!!!! Second, children are amazingly resilient and when removed from abusive homes and given the love and care they deserve, the chances of emotional dammage are much less than if they stay with the abuser.
2 out of 3 of my children were born into abusive homes. i got myself and them out and I am so grateful I had the courage to get out before it was too late. Emotional abuse is actually quite dangerous all by itself because it is often what comes before physical abuse. i worked in a women/children's shelter not long ago and I URGE YOU TO CALL THEM ASAP. If he hit you only once, that's all they need to know.
I'm sorry about your mother's behavior. You deserve to feel safe. Doesn''t sound like she's the answer at all.
Anyway, I urge you to call a local women's shelter where they are equipped to help you with all of your needs (financial, emotional, physical, educational, etc..). You may be surprised at how soon you'll be able to breath again. Please get yourself and your children to safety.
Love,
Jill
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Annabelle...
Welcome, and I'm very sorry.
Please see a gooood lawyer first of all.
Then read and read some of the self-help books...I remember a title, Too Good to Go, Too Bad to Stay.
(Though in my opinion, once you recognize a true N is your spouse, you must save yourself and your kids.)
I'm glad you're here.
Hopalong
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Annabelle,
Hello! A new face. How lovely! Welcome. I am Poppyseed. I know a little of how you are feeling. But it doesn't sound like this person is good for you. Your inner spirit sounds like it is crying out for you to make a change. In my situation, I didn't allow myself to hear that voice inside. I lost too many years taking the pills and hoping that if I could improve myself, things would get better. I ended up destroying myself to make him happy. Oh the losses!! It was not worth it. I look back and wish I had made different choices. Wish I would have made deliberate life choices that would have kept me safe and believing that I deserved better. If your heart is telling you to leave, then do it. Find a way. I think once you make the choice and you become determined the "how tos" will reveal themselves. You little ones are so small. Their pains will be there. But you will find a salve for them. They are so young. They may miss a lot of the trauma an older child may feel. Is this man their father???
You deserve better!!! You really do. And your kids deserve a better example of how men should treat women.
Poppy
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My names Ashley and I'm 17. I've been married to my husband since i was 16 and its horrible. He treats me like shit, he has hit me before, he cheats and he has said numerous times that he doesn't love me. I want to leave him because i am miserable and i have been crying myself to sleep for almost a year now and I'm sick of it. i want to leave but my mother will not let me move back in with her, i have no car, I'm pregnant, i have a job that gives me $100.00 a week so i can't afford a place of my own, i have looked into womens shelters but i am not abused physically only mentally and emotionally, so i cant get into there. i just dint know what to do! someone help please!
Ashley,
Hello! It is nice to meet you. You are strong for 17! You hear me? You are strong!! You are in an amazingly tough situation. I am glad to hear you are sick of it. GOOD! Use those feelings to help you decide and act for yourself, just like you would your best friend. There has got to be resources for you. Look into them even if you are scared. There are people who will help.
Listen to your gut. Trust it. Don't wait around for him to do it again. He has already shown you who he is. Do you have any family? Even out of state. A brother or sister? Even someone you need to mend fences with. Do you have church connections? Maybe missionaries or aid workers that are not of your faith. There are so many good people out there. Even a hospital's social worker if you can't find anyone else. Many have been where you are and can lead you to safety. It sounds to me like you need a better job. You can earn more than $100 a week if you are determined. If you need to finish school, then do it!! Don't let that get away from you for anything!! Education is your ticket!!
Decide that you deserve better. Decide you deserve the BEST for you and your little one. You will be OK. I am sure others on this board will give you great advice. Some really know what you are going thru. I am sending you my love. I am sending you some strength and a hug to hide in your pocket for a rainy day!! Boys are nice but there are certainly not everything -- especially at 17. You don't need this bottom-dweller! There ARE men out there who don't do this kinda thing. Men who stand in kindness and respect and care for the women in their lives. You deserve one of them!!! But that will come in time. For now, it is YOU that needs to be your own best friend. As you become determined not to compromise your safety and self respect, the right people will come to help you.
Love, Poppy
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Hi ....
Just wanted to let y'all know that, unless I missed something (which is entirely possible) the original posts on this thread, by Annabelle, are from 2003.
Ashley's post is the new one...
Hi again, Ashley.
Love,
Carolyn
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Hi everyone... I typed in "how to leave your husband" on yahoo search and I found this. I was married at age 19 and I'm now 24... I've spent 5 years of happiness threaded excessively with misery. I love my husband, but I know he doesn't treat me right a lot of the time. I'm having trouble figuring out if the good times are worth the bad that come with it. Exp.: He knows me so well... he has made me cry tears of wonderful joy at the gifts he has given me... so intimate in detail, no other girl could appreciate it but me b/c they are alway about me. Yet, when things are bad, they are brutal. He's never hit me... but he has often called me lazy when I know I am not. We recently bough a home together and even though I bust my butt getting things put away and trying to make everything look nice, he says I'm not doing enough and I'm too slow and lazy. He's asked me for help doing stuff in the basement, like building a hand rail and difficult stuff for a woman to help do. I try my best only to be told that I'm a moron and that I'm not helping at all, so to just get out. It's been pretty crappy since we've moved in here... and he's told me to leave like 10 times in the past 3 weeks. He's had some serious anxiety b/c of just buying the house a month ago, and I got laid off... I don't know if this is a logical excuse for his actions... but in the back of my head I hear myself saying "he's acted like this even when you were just renting and you had a job!". I keep hoping it will change...
What should I do???!!!
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Lin,
I have to tell you, from reading your post, your situation seems very much like my childhood and my mother's experence with an OCD and OCPD husband.
Things did not get super bad, till we bought a new house. Then, the fixing up of it, by my perfectionistic step-father, became obsessive and drove him pretty much nuts. I know your husband probably won't go get diagnosed, but please do read up on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and see if maybe there is something to it with him. Just a thought.
~Laura
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Dear Lin,
I have put up with so many situations like you are describing.It is not "normal". For me, I felt so badly about myself that I felt that I "deserved" what he was calling me.
I think that you should try to build up your confidence and trust in yourself(if it needs it) and then you will know what to do.
If you are already confident-- maybe your gut is telling you to leave.
The bottom line is that we don't deserve to be treated poorly.I am so sorry .It is so hard and so lonely
Love Ami
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Welcome, Lin.
I think you're in a very painful situation, and I'm sorry.
Nothing hurts more than when the dream of marriage begins to deflate.
For everyone the honeymoon ends sometimes. But that's when a healthy marriage shifts into an even deeper bond of friendship plus bouts of passion, instead of passion plus bouts of friendship. When it's the latter, it's hard to sustain without paying a very great price.
Does that make sense to you?
I'm glad you're here to talk about your life.
I know you will receive as much wise counsel as you could ask for.
welcome again,
Hopalong
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Annabelle,
I just read your post. I am also married to a N (with 2 children a S 3 1/2 and a D 2) and I am in the process of filing for divorce. It is the best and most empowering decision I ever made. I find myself still somewhat trapped in his drama, but I am breaking free - slowly but surely.
What helped me was to go to a T and telling her that I wanted a divorce. I went back and forth, but on one of the days I was set on a D, I went to see a lawyer. I retained him. I made a list of things that I had to do in order for me to separate from my N and get divorced. I also made a list of his lies and bad behavior and why I want to leave him. Whenever I feel myself drawn in (my N knows just want to say to keep me in compliance) - I just re-read the list (easier said than done - I know - some days easier than others). Also, I try to limit all contact - ignoring him is the best thing. My N tends to seek out other people who he can suck dry and he leaves me alone for a while. If your N does that - when he leaves you alone - that is when you can do your planning. Your list willl be your road map to get healthy - oh and don't let your N in on it. It has to be completely secret until you are ready to go.
I believe that this is the best thing for me and my children. They need to be away from their F and I need to be a healthy role model. My S will know that if he treats a woman the way his F treated his M - she will leave him. My D will know that if a man treats her the way her F treated her M - then she is to leave. That is the biggest lesson I want to teach my kids. If I stay I know they will be more damaged than if I leave.
I know that it is scary. But when you break free and start to make your own decisions - you will feel lighter and less burdened. On the days I feel particularly stressed I look at my list of things to do and tackle them one step at a time. And I know eventually I will have this divorce and I can be free of him - never completelly - I know cuz of the kids - but mentally free from the prison he erected in my mind.
I hope that this helps. I wish you all the luck in the world. And if you and the kids have someplace to go where you can stay for a while - or if you can kick his a$$ out of the house - that would be the best and then you can really start removing him from your life.
Take care,
ZAlly
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I still haven't gone... Every time I "really" think about it... think about never seeing him again... never hearing his voice again... it hurts SO bad. I cry every time. I don't know why. He just tells me to stop being a baby. He got medicine for anxiety/depression and now he says with the medicine, he's not afraid of being alone anymore. He said we were together for as long as we were b/c he was afraid. He tells me he loves me but that we will never work and last night told me I need to leave within a week. I can't stand it that he would try to put a timeline on it like that... and it makes me want to stay just to show him that he can't tell me what to do and when.
The only place I have to go is to live with my mom and grandma... which isn't the worst thing in the world I guess... but it's certainly not the greatest either. I love them very much... but I wouldn't be able to take my dogs with me and I would be in a little room with no door and they both smoke (I don't) so I end up convincing myself that I would maybe be more miserable. (although in the back of my mind, I know it would only be for a few months until I got my own place). My husband says he will take care of my dogs until I have my own place and I can come back to get them afterwards. It's just hard. I don't know if I'm strong enough. :(
Thank you all so much for your advice and support. A little at a time... it really does help a lot in the end. I know it will only help to build me up and make me stronger. Thank you.
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Dear Lin,
I am sorry that I did not see your post earlier. What a terrible situation you are in. My heart goes out to you-- so much pain.
I pray that you will find the best path out of the pain-- whatever that path is.
I am so, so, so very sorry. (((((((((((((((((((( Lin))))))))))))))))) Love Ami
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leave him while your kids are young. Twenty one years of that will make you crazy. Two kids and he has done so much damage Im not sure what there lives hold.
renee (stuck)
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Generally...... divorcing with small children is difficult, even under the best of circumstances.
When the spouse cares only for himself/herself.... then it's up to the parent who cares about the children to protect them... and themselves, as a priority.
By that I mean, physically, emotionally and fiscally.
Talking to an attorney is wise.
Talking to several is better.
Socking some money away is appropriate.
Finding supporters is a good thing.
Find out what your rights are.
Women, who care for children are some of the most vulnerable people in divorce court..... right after the children.
The court doesn't care about anyone, they punish the Defendant and Plaintiff bc they don't want to deal with property disputes in divorce cases.
Find an ex District Attorney if you can and make it clear that this is no ordinary case.
They all assume everyone's lying and exaggerating.... women are generally dismissed out of hand.
Be prepared for a long battle and jaw dropping sneakiness, underhanded acts from the N...... even regarding the children.
Get a tape recorder and learn how to use it... with the phone and on your person. Remember that cellphones have to be held a distance away from the recording device or all you get is a heartstopping squeal, no good to anyone.
Document document document.
BTW..... no one has to go anywhere.... moving out that is... until the temporary hearing, usually heald between 30 and 45 days from the filing of the divorce action.
If there was any abuse in the relationship.... it needs to be listed on the complaint.
Think about what you want the visitation schedule to look like.
Do you think they'll be safe if N has them alone?
You'll be asked to list all your property, expenses and income.
Get paperwork together.
Make lists on computer and print them out so everyone can read them and you can go back and make changes.
Make sure N can't access your computer account.
You can create new ones, for free, and not share your password with anyone.
Good luck. Get advice. Don't let him move you off a solid plan of action. Don't take the pressure off him when he squeals. He just wants back you down so he can pounce.
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Well, it's been a month since I've been on here. I'm sorry about that. For those of you wondering how I've been... thank you so much for caring. Things are getting better a little at a time. My husband has tried a few different medications and some work pretty well. We have both started telling each other we love each other more often. He has started telling me how pretty he thinks I am again. In the middle of just sittin' on the couch watchin' a tv show (it wasn't even about anything to do with love either) he just looked at me and said "I love you so much". He has stopped telling me to leave all the time... I think he maybe said it twice in the past month and he apologized the same day and said he didn't know why he said it. We think it became like a habbit and he's breaking the habbit over time. 2 times in a month is a huge cut back considering he used to say it almost every day for a while there.... and he never used to apologize. I actually have hope now, and I think we are making sincere progress. If anyone out there reading this thinks they could save their relationship.... make sure he is willing to go to a doctor immediately to find out if he has depression or something. It can change your life. However... if he has EVER hit you... leave immediately. That type of behavior NEVER deserves another chance.
Thank you all SOOOOO VERY MUCH! It's so nice that people out there actually cared about me. I hope we have all helped each other... I know you have helped me. I love all of you for it!
I will keep in touch from time to time.
Love,
Lin
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Thanks Lin for writing. I am really glad that you are happy with your H. You sound like a very sweet person who should have s/one who appreciates you. Keep in touch,Lin. Love Ami
((((((((((((((Lin)))))))))))))))
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Men who can't feel don't feel real inside.
Their love was stolen by their parents
and they are hurting and need someone
to help them feel.
My husband is a working machine
and he can't have fun.
I just go about my business and
stay away from the house so he
doesn't have anyone to manipulate
or ignore.
In his family they ignored you to get their satisfaction.
They hurt him deeply and he just works and works.
He was fine until he got into a mens bible club and so
those hard core mens' feelings are all over him.
You woman, me man................smell my socks!!!
Ha, ha.....the joke is on my husband.
He takes good care of me financially and I love
him but if he doesn't change and give me love
my heart may go looking for love.............
I want real love and a real fun man that wants
to do things.
My N husband doesn't even know how
to love his sons and guide them properly.
I am glad I read the Bible to my kids every night
for over 12 years because they are talented
and have lots of friends.
They come in a hug me all the time and my N
husband is missing all this love.
Once they are all grown if he hasn't changed
he is losing this good woman.
I have done my part, the laundry, cleaning
etc. I have even saved him tons of money
to put on the expensive he had to have
so his friends would think he has made it.
I am happy listening to my music, hanging
w/my kids and visiting my friends.
I take 1-2 day trips in the car to visit
friends in the country and it works wonders.
He can't get to me and he is alone in the house.
He is so miserable because he is trapped.
He can't live w/me and he can't live w/out me.
It is true girls, they don't feel and they are angry
inside because they've "Lost those loving Feelings"
whoa oh oh!
I am not making light of the fact that it is painful
for some and I know others are not like me.
My mother stayed w/a hard working, fisherman
alcoholic for over 65 years because it was the
right thing to do.
She was most cheerful and she went out a lot
during the day.
One time she almost ran me over when she was 65
while driving 65 mph down a 35 mph country road.
I live in the city so it was a shock to see it was MY mom
driving so insanely. She took Ritalin for over 40 years for
Narcolepsy (falls asleep) so she was always high!
She couldnt' bond with us because she was zooming
but she took care of us. She cooked and used coupons
to buy groceries and he had his booze and cigs.
He finally stopped smoking at 55 and he stopped drinking!
Miracle! I guess her prayers worked but she should
have make him stop today God!!!
Maybe he would have stopped sooner.
Anyway, look from some good articles on dealing
with a narcistic mate and see if it helps.
I found one great article and it tells you how
to shut him down.
I know how to do some of it and it works.
They are just big boys that can't feel
so they strike out at others.
I do not have many answers but I am
at peace leaving the house and visiting others
who have needs.
My husband has to make the first move,
as long as he is here I am here for my kids.
But................show our kids loads of love
and fun and have relationships at church
or the park and keep your kids surrounded
by love and people that are kind and gentle.
I pray you will find happiness and that
you and your children blossom.
Raise your chilren up w/his money
and keep them involved in music,
art, etc. full time and you go with them.
You are there for them and the big bull
will miss out on so much.........
God Bless,
ANN
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I just do my thing, have fun with the kids, leave town for a few days
to help others and let him be alone.
Most men are not able to love because their parents were jerks.
They manipulated their sons and used them and lied to them.
I am here and he keeps trying to make me cry
so he feels loved.
So............I dont' cry but tell him the same he is telling
me and I live my life.
It is up to God and I am here to care for our kids.
He works all the time, all the time, all the time.
Did I say all the time.
He is a machine being brought up in a very, very
politically correct family that wanted everyone to bow
to them.
Oh by the way, what are your husbands' parents like?
My husbands' parents were so Politically Correct he
was black balled if he dared embarass them and he
was cut off from the family riches.
They cut us off one year because they didn't like our
plans to help the elderly.
His dad attacked him vehemently and almost destroyed
him.
How cruel................his parents are so controlling
that when we first married my husband would shriek
like a bansee and go hide in the closet floor in a curled
up ball/fetal position because of what they did to him.
It was clear his dad shrieked at him and never cared
about his feelings. You know military dad......thinks he is a big man
by telling his son not to cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well.............Jesus wept and our sons are happy
and I raised them to love God.
They know who they are and their dad is missing
out....................when he gets to those pearly
gates God will ask him what did you do for your family
while on earth?
I can hear my husband now........I worked like a machine
and never spent anytime with them having fun.
God will not be pleased and He isn't now because
a man is supposed to love and cherish his family.
God said it in his word.
So.....................he can be sad but we are having
a ball. I have been through this long enough and I find
that staying busy keeps my mind off his failure as a husband
and dad.
But wait.....................I only have a few more gallon years
in me to be unloved.
What will happen when my kids leave and I don't have their company?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I know I am praying that God either
changes my husband into a handsome romantic cowboy or He sends me one
that is romantic and LOVES ME AND LIFE!!!!
Who knows what tomorrow may bring..........
Don't worry about tomorrow because there is enough in today
to worry about.
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hi AnnaK.
I woke up from an alarm that I still haven't located in my bedroom yet, but I decided to spend time in prayer and then i came online to vboards.
This is the first time I'm reading your posts and I really identify with all that you've shared here. My husband, too, works like a machine and also talks like one. He has rote phrases for anything that have been programmed into his mind, to a point that he never actually has an opinion or view of his own making. His words are such that i can tell what he will say, not because I know him so well only, but because he is like a robot that spits out anything he has heard on the radio, seen on tv or read in a book.
My therapist has labeled my husband "narcissistic" after meeting with him and watching him go through all his defense mechanisms and hearing him project onto everyone else his faults. she told me that she sees how he takes our daughters, and gangs up on me with them. He resents his step-daughter (my child before marriage), because she never turned against me, but instead, will come to my defense every time. As a result, he was the cruellest to her and still doesn't have nice things to say, nor do her sisters.
I know what you mean about the 'work work work" and the "no feelings" thing. I have lived with a "husband" who made me drive myself to the hospital when I was in pain and could barely move. He told me "Oh you'll be fine. it's probably just the flu." It was a severe infection that was going into a staph infection which almost KILLED me!
When my daughters got hurt or sick, it was the same rote response "they'll be fine...the doctor is only gonna give them medicine and tell you it's ________________ and then send you home!" He always thought that, because he watched medical info on television, that he knew better than the doctors and could save us a trip to the ER or save himself money. Many times I went through guilt of having 'disobeyed" my husband, because I'd ignore him and take my girls or myself to get medical help. When I'd come back and tell him what the doc said, he'd say "oh....um...well, it's good you took her/or you went...I told you that's what they'd say." (he never could admit that he was WRONG for wanting me to not go/take my daughters for medical help)
To those on this board who are not married to N's, you have no clue what it's like to have someone that is supposed to love, honor, cherish you, actually be the biggest enemy in your home at times. Sure, you lived with N parents, but eventually you could LEAVE them. To those of us for whom divorce is not a personal option, except in cases of EXTREME abuse, we've LIVED WITH THIS FOR MORE YEARS THAN YOU LIVED WITH THE N PARENTS...some of us are still IN it. I'm not belittling the abuse that you suffer from your N parents either, but I am saying that, when you are married to an N, it's generally "till death" do you part...whether his or yours. it is the hardest thing you'll ever DO!
AnnaK, I sometimes have prayed like you did..change him or take Him, Lord. I don't want him changed into a cowboy though...he already is very COUNTRYISH, and I'm a city gal, so I would have liked him changed into a briefcase carrying, upstanding, businessman. It's not in his genes nor his blood to ever be that though, and some things I just have to realize. i should have married a city man if that's what I was looking for, but I didn't know that marriage really IS forever...nobody really could have convinced me of just how lOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG forever actually is on this earth...they tried, but all I could see was an easy escape from my foster mother, and a chance to BE the wife/mother for once, on my own. I took that chance, and now, 20 years later, i struggle with a husband who is nothing more at times than a piece of talking metal.
I watch his children say "Dad...Dad......DAD........DADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!" till I finally step in and say 'ROLAND, ANSWER HER!" Then, in a daze he snaps 'WHAT DO YOU WANT???!" I get to watch my daughters' faces drop, as the dad that they learned to look up to and fear, finally answers them with anger in his face and eyes. He may be ADD and N...he dissociates NOTICEABLY a LOT...is he ASPBERGERS? i don't know...I only know that my daughters have learned to make a joke out of it all, except for the younger one who has learned to say "STOP SNAPPING AT ME LIKE THAT, DADDY!" then, her sisters jump on her for standing her ground and setting her own boundaries...then i snap at her sisters for not allowing her boundaries...it's a MESS at times, but i usually take all the heat, in order to protect the youngest daughter. i'm a Big girl and i can take it...but she is an impressionable 8 year old whom I'm trying to teach to stand firm in her belief that women are to be respected by their dads and their husbands and boyfriends.
Sorry to monopolize your thread here. what Anna said really got to my heart and i want you to know, Anna, that i am where you are and if you want to talk to me, you've run into one who KNOWS.
~Laura
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reallyME and annak
Your lives sounds so much like mine. It is so SAD and unreal to be married to someone with No Empathy. I sometimes think, try to remember, that just because he can't give love, doesn'tm mean I don't need it.
I also try to get most of my intimacy needs met outside the marriage without crossing serious boundaries.
Mine also works works works works, and mispends SO MUCH $$$.
He pretty much does what he wants without considering anyone else.
Don't ask me why I stay, I am not young, but I am young looking, in good shape, no children.
Tired of changes I suppose and I am completely $$ on him. The worst thing I did was quit work after I married him 8 years ago. I planned on going back PT, but HE took all of my energy 24/7. no joke.
I got sucked in and am still in at this time.
I know that God wants us women to be loved and respected. It's only a matter of time until I have had enough.
He has said to me "What the F*** do you need now?" when I was in major (back) pain. Thing is I really am not the needy one here.
He 'demanded' that I not go back to work. Of course so he could control me.
So I know how you feel not getting any softness, or empathy, or anything even remotely close to it, and we know marriage is meant to be so much more, it all seems like such a waste of time.
I think you are doing the right thing enjoying your children, biding your time, and praying for a miracle. The truth is these guys have lost touch with God. Afraid if itimacy, with God or anyone. It's a sign of weakness to them.
Keep yourself above it and healthy, and move on when the time is right.
This is my first post here. I hope I can understand how to use this board.
I've written a couple poems about this and will post when I come across them. :?
FireCat
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Great posts, Firecat! I am so glad you joined us here. It's always fun to meet someone new, even in text.
Yes, i can relate to what you described. My H lives in his mind and fantasies. He will do anything to avoid appearing "wrong"
It feels good to have someone on this board who is LIVING in the situation, so that someone knows that it really IS all that bad!
~Laura
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Normally I would not read a post with this title as I am not married
I don' know why--maybe anna belle, but I clicked.
The first thing I noticed was that Annabelle said she was posting for the first time ever., yet her count is 29 posts. This thread was started in Oct.2003
Well look at the thread yourself.
so firecat is new and posting to annak (Nov-old 2 posts) and reallyMe
rM why would you post here?
Izzy