Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Anonymous on March 11, 2005, 11:44:29 PM
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I was wondering about how to balance standing up for yourself with being mean or hurting someone's feelings. I think I have been a little (or a lot??) insensitive lately in my attempts to stand up fo myself and I sent a mean letter telling someone who had done something icky to me how horrible it was but I did it in an insensitive way and now I feel like maybe this is going to be a big thing to learn.
Love Bloopsy
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I was wondering about how to balance standing up for yourself with being mean or hurting someone's feelings. I think I have been a little (or a lot??) insensitive lately in my attempts to stand up fo myself and I sent a mean letter telling someone who had done something icky to me how horrible it was but I did it in an insensitive way and now I feel like maybe this is going to be a big thing to learn.
Love Bloopsy
Remember that we are taught that it is selfish to say to someone, 'Excuse me, but you are standing on my foot and it really hurts!' Chances are we would think that insensitive and mean.
Stand firm. If you have been hurt, you have a right to say so. And even if you did react in an insensitive way - which I doubt - you have a good reason for doing so. Nobody should be allowed to hurt you and get away with it. Whatever you do, don't apologise for being hurt, or for writing.
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matters a lot to me: having been hurt so much and done a fe out-of-character things in retaliation.
For me what works is turning it around: if someone did this to me how would I feel?
ThAT's not to say it wouldn't hurt, but wOuld I understand? If it's incomprehensible and seems harsh or deliberately hurtful then I'd stay away from behaving that way if I can.
We all have enough complications without becoming mean ourselves!
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I have a long way to go in learning this, too, but had a big break-through recently when I realized that in a choice of hurting someone else versus letting them hurt me repeatedly, I always used to pick the latter. And when I thought about how to get them to stop, I always thought about how they would feel (and if they would still like me!) not about how much I would like it when they stopped.
That said, narcissism is contagious and it is very easy to respond in the same puffed-up grandiose way that they act. I have found myself doing that. It felt terrible later, like they had still won (and they had).Or, I'll be very "rational" and cold in my reactions instead of just expressing how I feel (because I was taught that how I feel is irrelevant).
This is a complicated issue. Thanks for bringing it up.
As I write this I think the answer depends on who we are talking to-- how N they are, if they are able to listen, how close we are to them, and the context (work versus not work).
I'd love to hear from folks who do this well-- the tricks of the trade.
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Hi Bloopsie and others,
I find that if I spend a lot of time identifying and clarifying my personal boundaries when on my own, then at a future time I can easily detect when they are broken and so speak up. I don't feel badly as I know I have worked out reasonable boundaries (principles, really) when I have been on my own and had lots of time to think about it. Eg If someone meeting me for the first time asks about my personal life I will reply (smiling pleasantly) "Let's not go there" as I've already ascertained beforehand that this is crossing the line. As with so much of life, practice makes perfect.
I hope this helps.
S
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When I'm offended / hurt / injured by someone here's my general protocol:
I. The part about them
- Is this their general behavior or uncharacteristic behavior brought on by stress? If it's the norm, I lower my expectations of them accordingly.
- Is this person a jerk, immature, unable to behave well? Maybe they are unable to control their own aggression and negativity. Doesn't excuse them but only explains it.
- Is this person doing a lot of projecting (i.e., imagining that I am like their abuser and reacting to me that way)?
- Is this person generally able to tolerate another person's POV, or are they totally closed to new information? Are they incredibly defensive, or do they have enough ego strength to tolerate another person's grievance against them?
II. The part about me
- I try to realistically assess how I feel. Am I enraged, or just angry? Am I embarrassed, or just appalled? Am I irritated or mildly annoyed? I assess how damaged I feel by the interaction. If I feel pretty damaged then I have more strategizing to do. Usually I get help from others.
- Is my emotional state coming more from this current person, or more from my issues of the past? Can I separate this person from the past?
- Do I need to maintain a positive connection with this person? I.e., is it a bad idea to respond in a way that would burn bridges? Is it a bad idea to paint myself into a corner? How to handle this particular person?
- Do I need other people's support and advice before responding?
- Did this person do a major projection on me? If so, I usually react very little. A projection comes with a hope for a strong reaction from the projectee. That can set off a big drama which is usually pointless and painful. If I don't react much to the projection or very carefully to it, they have to deal with the feelings themselves.
- Ponder most diplomatic and effective response. Is it to do nothing and blow it off? Or respond differently next time it happens and do nothing this time? Briefly inform the person I'm displeased with that interaction and wish they would not do XYZ in future? Get more help for myself in therapy so that I understand these people better and won't react to strongly to them? This is where it gets more complicated...
bunny
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Bloopsy, that is such a tough one. Thanks for bringing it up.
Vunil, I also struggle with this, all the time.
Am I being true to myself? Am I reacting/retaliating or just protecting myself? This is a core issue for me.
I think it is hard to know when your "reality" and truths about yourself have been altered/damaged by an N!!
It just demonstrates the power they have had in our lives.... or still have.
I haven't figured it out yet, but one thing I am trying is being patient.
N's and contol freaks (are they one in the same?) want to control the time frame of things. If we can be patient and WAIT a bit, not really trying to "figure it out", just "sit still" with what we feel, let it go, pick it back up, get distracted by something else....feelit again...
then sometimes life steps in and either it's over, or we figure out what to do, and then we do something. N's have fits over this, and want responses immediately. This is one way they get control, they scare us into reacting out of fear.
And many times my reaction is not really me. But I need to also be patient with myself. I am not expert at life. After so many years adjusting my own reality to fit the N's, I am only learning. So I get to screw it up. If it' with my exN, then I have learned it doesn't matter if I screwed up or got it right, he will hate me no matter what and twist and use whatever I did against me.
But if it's someone I do care about, I will apologize, maybe not RETRACT what I said, but perhaps change my tone. Sometimes it IS someone I care about and after "sitting" with it, I decide I DON"T need to apologize or change my tone at all. They can accept my standing my ground or not, I don't need to please everyone else. I
I also, have learned that sometimes, altering my "tone" can really be a way of discounting my own opinion so the others like me... Funny, those people I am trying to please are usually quite N. My non N relationships don't even have me thinking this way at all.
Wow, I think I just figured something out! The people in my life who I don't worry about screwing up around, I don't usually HAVE to hold my ground with, they don't do things that make me feel I have to defend myself, either, so this is a non issue!
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Wow. how strange, I just hung up the phone and I am still shaking.
Talk about setting limits...sticking up for myself.
My very N friend just called to INSIST that I get dressed immediately to go to a yoga class with her that we had only discussed possibly going to the other day. (neither one of us knew what time it started then). When I say she INSISTED, I mean in the "N"est way possible. The class was starting in 10 minutes, and is a good 10 minutes away and I am not dressed yet. (hey it's morning here).
So I said "NO I don't want to go, it's to short notice, I am not ready and don't want to rush or enter the class late" (which she would do).
She kept insisting and insisting, alternately yelling at me and trying to make me feel bad:
She: "c'mon, c'mon, hurry, just throw something on. YOU said you would go!!! You sound just like your daughter!"
me: "why, because I am disagreeing with you?"
she; "your'e all whiney, saying (mocking me) I don't WANT TO GO"
me:" well, you keep pushing me, and I said I DON'T WANT TO GO."
she:" I knew you'd say that! I knew you wouldn't just get up and be spontaneous and go!"
me: "well, then you were right!"
she:"man, I can't believe you."
me: "well, goodbye, have fun"
I am still shaking.
In the span of 30 seconds she disrespected me and insulted my child. I honestly do not know why I continue to be her friend. She does live right across the street. My daughter, by the way, is almost 13 and has no tolerance for her, will not accept her pushiness.
But this is a case in point, my non-N friends would never do what she just did.
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Bloopsy,
You wrote,
I was wondering about how to balance standing up for yourself with being mean or hurting someone's feelings.
Being mean and hurting someone's feelings are two different things. We don't have to be mean, by calling people names or falsely accusing them of things. But if we tell them they have treated us horribly and we are angry about it and they should stop it and be ashamed of themselves, then its too bad if their feelings are hurt. The kind of people who do 'icky' things to others need to have their feelings hurt so they know what it feels like and so they might think twice before they do it again. If they don't want their feelings hurt they shouldn't treat others like dirt in the first place.
As long as you told this person the truth, you did nothing wrong.
mum wrote,
My daughter, by the way, is almost 13 and has no tolerance for her, will not accept her pushiness.
Why don't you just tell your 'friend' your daughter won't let you come out and play anymore. :)
mudpup
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I was wondering about how to balance standing up for yourself with being mean or hurting someone's feelings. I think I have been a little (or a lot??) insensitive lately in my attempts to stand up fo myself and I sent a mean letter telling someone who had done something icky to me how horrible it was but I did it in an insensitive way and now I feel like maybe this is going to be a big thing to learn.
Love Bloopsy
According to EST theory it is ok to be precisely who you are. If being confrontational or "mean" works for you, go for it. If it does not work for you, eventually you will adjust to the responses your demeanor creates. But, the imperative stands, at all costs be true to who you are. Anything short of that suggests manipulation.
The example that I was given during seminar work was the following: Let's imagine that every morning before you got dressed for the day, you went out into your front yard with a loaded pistol, and shot the first person that you see. Well, this probably isn't going to work for you for very long. The bottom line is this: Do not judge yourself, your actions will always create an effect that you will either be able to live with or not, and you will adjust to create the optimum comfort for yourself. It may seem a little cold or harsh, but you see the imperative always remains at all costs, be true to who you are. One has little to contribute, if one is not manifested. IMO
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Phillip
Let's imagine that every morning before you got dressed for the day, you went out into your front yard with a loaded pistol, and shot the first person that you see. Well, this probably isn't going to work for you for very long. The bottom line is this: Do not judge yourself, your actions will always create an effect that you will either be able to live with or not, and you will adjust to create the optimum comfort for yourself.
I'm not sure I follow this. If I don't judge myself but wait for the effect to judge for me, isn't that why there are so many actual dead people on other people's front lawns. :?
Isn't this utilitarianism in the extreme? If I get away with it it must be good, If somebody objects its wrong?
And how does this relate to dealing with Ns? When we do the right thing around them, is precisely when they make it the most uncomfortable for us.
Not trying to be offensive, just trying to understand your thoughts.
mudpup
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Mudpup: so relieved you asked Phillip to explain. I felt stupid not "getting" the point, either.
Phillip: could you explain further? My ex certainly is lucky I am a pacifist (it's real easy to get a gun in my state!!) :twisted:
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mum,
What a b****. Seriously. She is behaving like a total ass. You did a good job. My strategy [having had time to consider it] with this individual would be thus:
"Get your clothes on and come with me to a yoga class. Come on!"
"No."
"What do you mean, no? You need this exercise, Now get going, you have five minutes."
"I'm not going. I don't want to. Have a good time, I have to go now."
"You are really obnoxious, you know that? What kind of friend are you? etc."
"Don't talk to me that way, I don't like it. Bye now." *click*
My strategy is to be extremely firm and explain nothing. The encounter might also leave me shaking. It might lead me to to call others for comfort/validation. But she wouldn't know that. As far as she's concerned, I'm as hard as nails. And I probably would have to cut her off because she's too bossy.
Hang in there, you did the right thing.
bunny
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I think what Phillip was saying was that the consequences of our actions teach us what not to do (pavlovian behavioral idea). That's my guess.
bunny
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But the problem with the whole consequences idea is that for those of us raised by and/or married to N's it is much more complicated than just waiting for the consequences and behaving accordingly. For one thing, in relationships with N's the consequences are completely odd and screwy. They aren't really grounded in reality.
Take for example, the obnoxious yoga friend. Here is what would lead to a smooth consequence:
N: go to yoga even though you don't want to
M: ok!
N: good. I am now happy with you.
M: awesome!
(later that day)
M: I wonder why I'm in a bad mood? I should be in a good mood. I made my friend happy. Also, she's right that I should go to yoga. I'm lucky to have someone who knows what I should do.
Now, of course, in a rational world of extreme self-knowledge, the later that day part would be linked perfectly to what happened earlier. But, I think that two problems exist for those of us surviving N's: We have trouble recognizing consequences, and we have a really hard time figuring out what to do when we do recognize them. And we aren't stupid to have as hard time with this. Where N's are concerned, itjust is really hard.
Keep in mind that the "what to do" is really topsy-turvy where N's are concerned. Take it from someone (moi) who thought that "what to do" was to have an honest loving conversation about past abuse. Or others who have tried therapy, which seems like the gold standard of good ideas. Well, not always, not when an N person is involved.
This got long, sorry! :)
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Did this person do a major projection on me? If so, I usually react very little. A projection comes with a hope for a strong reaction from the projectee. That can set off a big drama which is usually pointless and painful. If I don't react much to the projection or very carefully to it, they have to deal with the feelings themselves.
Bunny, that paragraph gave me a major doozy of an "aha"! Thanks a lot. I am getting projected on a lot right now (pregnancy seems to get people to really want to project on you-- maybe because now I'm really wide, like a movie screen? :) ). It is hard to know how to react-- it's like getting stuck with little forks repeatedly. I'm going to try not to react, just like you say, so that they have to play out their drama on their own.
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vunil wrote,
Keep in mind that the "what to do" is really topsy-turvy where N's are concerned
Precisely, vunil. For me the consequences of doing the wrong thing (appeasing him) in the short run were peace and tranquility. The consequences of doing the right thing (asserting my rights and independence) were, and are, something like placing my head in a hornets nest. For me the challenge is to keep doing the right thing despite the stings.
Hope your work situation improves.
mudpuppy
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You guys (I say that without gender) are awesome.
Bunny, I did call one of my sisters long distance, and she knows this persons MO very well. I did stop shaking, and still think I handled it well.
Mudpuppy, the hornet's nest is a great visual (you are an extremely witty guy, your wife must be laughing all the time!). I did indeed, stick my head in one. Totally worth it.
Vunil, it's as if you knew us.....soooo many times I would have played out the other scenario with her (going with her, feeling bad later). She has been away for a year, so I guess my transformation is shocking her. I'm sure to hear about it! As far as being pregnant, I forgot! Oh yeah, it IS like being a walking advertisement: "Dump you unsolicited advice here! Tell me scary birth stories!" I used to try to think of it as everyone sharing...and as I learned after my first...NO birth is the same. It will be unique and unlike anyone else's...just as it should be.
Back to sticking up for ourselves: Practice practice practice. That's what changing habits is all about.
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That's what changing habits is all about.
Amen!
Maybe one benefit of your friend coming back into your life is as a little marker for how much you've changed. That's kind of cool to think about.
I've posted on other threads similar experiences I've had where it's as if I'm seeing my friends for the first time, and my relationship with them. It's weird when you realize someone has been bossing you around forever and now you don't want them to and won't let them. But weird in a good way...
I get projected on not just from people with kids, who actually don't do it as much (except, for some reason, to explain to me what to eat), but more from my single friends who haven't had children. It is just stirring the pot a lot for them I think. I can imagine it would, and have empathy, but when they are "explaining" to me that adopting is just as good as having one's own child, and having kids when you are older may shortchange the child (I am older), it gets weird. I mean, they are right on both counts but it's clear it is projection on me and not really a compliment... Ah well.
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your wife must be laughing all the time!).
Usually at me. She's says I remind her of Herman Munster, the way I'm always crashing into things and being generally helpless. :oops:
She's an absolute saint so its OK.
mudpuppy
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I think pregnancy and mothers w/small children trigger a lot of "stuff" in other people. Then they feel compelled to verbalize it and are intrusive. Somehow their inhibitions fly away and it's "okay" to say virtually anything to women who are pregnant or have small children. Feel free to protect yourself from intrusions.
bunny
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When I was preganant, people (usually older women) would touch my baby belly...people I didn't even know. It was so strange. I had a fantasy that I would do the same to them and they would be in shock! Mostly I would just say, um, excuse me? and that usually snapped them out of it.
Little kids were the funniest. At the end of a long day of teaching art, my apron would look like a handprint fest....the kids would make any excuse to get close to me and "accidentally" touch my belly. I tried to not freak out, and just saw it as pre-birth welcoming!
And Vunil, if this is your first....get ready! It's the people who don't have kids who have ALL the answers (when you don't even ask), while the ones with kids say, "heck if I know...let me know if you ever figure it out!!!!"
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geez, I really am a college grad, but my typos are atrocious (so's my spelling...)preganant?????
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OK, now I KNOW you guys are on a topic I am completely unqualified to comment on.
mudpup
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What, mud, typos?
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What, mud, typos?
No, mum, pregananacy. :wink:
mud
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Just wanted to clarify my previous post. I will submit another example. I have two ice cream cones, a chocolate and a vanilla. I ask you which one you want. You take one and I ask you why. According to EST theory, there is only correct response. It is, "Because I want it."
I understand that many people are in unfortunate circumstances that they would prefer to exit, but can not. I recall an old Pink Floyd lyric, "If I were a good man, I would understand the spaces between friends."
What does this have to do with anything? Only this. People will always do what seems right to them at the time. Since we can never know all the factors that cause a person to behave as they do, judgement becomes more about us than the other person. In many cases it is about us feeling good about our choices.
Judgement is a reflection of our own self-judgement. In many instances it is about being right and somebody else being wrong. It is about adopted values to fit in or be accepted. It is about status quo and conformity. Yet Leo Buscaglia said often that there is a place deep inside each of us, that is totally insane. He said most of humanity devotes much energy to keep this part hidden and unrecognized, but he added that unfortunately this is also where personal genius originates.
Bottom line, we all do what we need to to find safety. If someone causes me grief, I no longer have that person in my life. If I choose to keep that person in my life, I assume responsibility for that choice. But, I cease judging that person for who he/she is. I am more likely to be critical of precisely why I am choosing to keep this person in my life.
Just want to add that I can think of nothing that I could possibly do that isn't utilitarian.
Maybe I am way off base here, but my life has been much simpler emotionally since I have adopted this outlook. I am responsible for my choices and no one else. I get to live with the results, no one else. They are responsible for their own choices, not I.
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Bottom line, we all do what we need to to find safety. If someone causes me grief, I no longer have that person in my life. If I choose to keep that person in my life, I assume responsibility for that choice. But, I cease judging that person for who he/she is. I am more likely to be critical of precisely why I am choosing to keep this person in my life.
Just want to add that I can think of nothing that I could possibly do that isn't utilitarian.
Maybe I am way off base here, but my life has been much simpler emotionally since I have adopted this outlook. I am responsible for my choices and no one else. I get to live with the results, no one else. They are responsible for their own choices, not I.
This makes sense to me. It's pretty much my thinking also. I do what I have to do and others do what they have to do.
LM
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vunil,
I had my child at the age of 38, being an "older" mother has a lot of advantages. Yes there are also disadvantages, but that's the same with everything in life. Whatever the case, we are what we are.
LM
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Hi Mum:
When I read about your yoga incident with the neighbour, I identified strongly with your feelings of anxiety/anger and your behaviour. I know my partner - who is very assertive - would not feel anxious about saying "no" as he has always been able to stand up for himself. The reason some of us (victims of N's) become so angry/anxious when we are assertive is because we have now changed our behaviour in order to stick up for our rights and needs. You are simply working towards teaching others how you expect to be treated. She threw a lot of emotional blackmail at you and I think you handled it extremely well. It will get easier with constant practice. I am practising all the time. My biggest issue is that other people seem to be a lot pushier about their needs than me, even when they are not N's. It seems to be a survival instinct to insist that one's needs are met and my instinct does not seem to be as strong as that of many others.
regards
S
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mum:
I think mudpuppy is on to something here for your "friend". Just tell her next time you have to check with your daughter and she is the one to determine if you can come out to play. LOL
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Just wanted to clarify my previous post. I will submit another example. I have two ice cream cones, a chocolate and a vanilla. I ask you which one you want. You take one and I ask you why. According to EST theory, there is only correct response. It is, "Because I want it."
This works well if you are perfectly healthy and rational.
For many years of my life I picked ice cream cones that cheated on me and insulted me. I still have trouble not picking ice cream cones that don't tell me what to do and refuse to listen to my point of view. And even now I have trouble telling which ice cream cone is the one I want. When an ice cream cone disappoints me, I don't know whether that means it will always disappoint me or if it is just normal variations in my ice cream relationships.
And I am really bad at explaining to ice cream cones what I would like differently, in a way that works well. And I am not always able to predict when a conversation really won't work at all.
(note the metaphor really breaks down once I start trying to have a conversation with an ice cream cone).
I understand EST works great for you, and on this site people have all sorts of life philosophies and guiding principles-- we come together despite that and try to respect each other. It's just that something in the tone of your message sounded a little bit "it's very simple" and maybe even a little "I am here to teach you." I responded negatively to that because I think it's ok that folks here are struggling with these issues-- the issues just aren't as simple as picking which ice cream cone to eat.
(Which, take it from a pregnant lady, is a very easy choice-- eat both!).
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Vunil. You're funny. Pregnant and funny, an excellent combination. That sense of humor will come in handy in the next phase of your life!!
I think I can relate on your extension of the ice cream cone analogy. And I also know what you mean when someone tells you something that sounds like "just do a, b,c and viola!!!" problem solved! I'm sure it was meant to be helpful, but yeah, if it's so easy, why are we all here? No, we are not morons........it's just not particularly easy.
I told a friend today to "just let it go" regarding her N ex and after a pause we both cracked up. Of course she knows that's what she should do, and hopefully will........but it's the meantime, it just feels bad. We all know that if we didn't care what these N's did to us, we'd be just fine. Duh!
Some days are better than others, and some days, the pain is right back there in our faces and we don't seem to have come very far at all.
And at that point, I do believe it is best to go eat some ice cream.
The hope that one day we will heal is what keeps us sane. The understanding that it's a day by day thing keeps us compassionate.
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What is that line about knowing what we can change and leaving or accepting what we can't? I would like to be in Canada right now. For the first time in my life I am being forced to work patiently to accomplish goals. It is not in my nature to do so, to be this way. I am learning something. It has been a year and a half. Hopefully I will be there in 6 months.
I have been taught to avoid my own drama. Safety vs. risk is the game. Safety creates a smaller breadth of experience. Risk expands it. The confining box has been of my own making. I do not believe that we are here to cower, anticipating the next blow. Make no mistake, I struggle with my fears like anyone else. I apologize if I came off like I have all the answers.
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I have two ice cream cones, a chocolate and a vanilla. I ask you which one you want. You take one and I ask you why. According to EST theory, there is only correct response. It is, "Because I want it."
What? You mean that the only correct response is not: "I took the vanilla one because I know that you really want the chocolate one"? I'm learning to use both responses, both only the latter when I choose to and actually want to, so I guess that would be the same as the first?
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The issue is not so much about motive, even kindness vs. selfishness. It is about how we all do this little mental dance of justifying our actions, thoughts and feelings. One of my often repeated questions has become, "What are you defending?" I can speak for no one else, but I personally grew up in a household where I was always on the defense. I have been taught how to do something different. The assertiveness has replaced the defensiveness, but not before a period of somewhat unreasonable selfishness. For me, this represented a risk in order to know myself and my boundaries. It has been said that the truth is always in the middle, as the Buddha espoused the middle way. Ultimately, we all get to take our share of life and experience, and nothing is free. We pay for it all and we deserve the best. For myself, recognizing that my defensiveness was based on low self-esteem, was the beginning of a journey toward personal growth. Just some random rambling.
Back to the ice cream cone. The issue is not about the response. The issue IS the motive behind the response. Consider this. YOU are now the one asking the questions. That is your responsibility to your self. It is the responsibility of others to answer or decline compliance. It is about exercising the freedom to be and do what is consistent with your nature. It is about having the courage to explore who and what you are, truly. This has been my journey. All my opinion of course. I do not have to be a nice person, I choose to be that, most of the time. For me, there IS a big difference.
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I was wondering about how to balance standing up for yourself with being mean or hurting someone's feelings. I think I have been a little (or a lot??) insensitive lately in my attempts to stand up fo myself and I sent a mean letter telling someone who had done something icky to me how horrible it was but I did it in an insensitive way and now I feel like maybe this is going to be a big thing to learn.
Love Bloopsy
Hiya Bloopsy, how are you doing? What do you think about what folks have said here?
Want to tell us why you think you were insensitive? (Because I have a hard time imagining you being cruel and I wonder if you’re being too hard on yourself.)
Take care Bloopsy. Hope to see you soon. P
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I like how you can be nice without having to . I let Firestorm my inner child lash out at Eddie about what he did, I want to say what I let him do, but I was paralysed at the time and I felt like i couldn't stop him, I let her curse at him and say fuck you thanks a lot.
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That was me Bloopsy above. I feel like a horrible person and I want to sie. I don't like my mom I am not a bad person the voices in my head are not me I thought they were but I looked at thenm harder and it dispersed into a monster I dreamed it was followoing me it was them not me if I admit that then I have to leave them so I keep thinking it is me is it me where is that place where you are not hurt some of the pwople at the SIA meeting were the same had a heard time not retraumatizing themselves I am afariad this is horrible sorry for this horrible message I don't understand why I have to be the bad one and I am not I think that everyone thinks that I am bad and no good and I look at them and feel that they are disgusted any small kindness means that I am maybe not as bad as I thought I was and I am getting tired of it because it is like I am constantly trying to prove that i am not bad from that place where I dissaciociated where I was 13 and there was no one there only people yelling and denying my feelings I lay there for months and jthey brought me food but never asked me how I felt or gave me a hug.Why did they even bother to give me food but no love??? and that is exhausting because nothing is eevr enough and nothing seems to get through to me where I am hiding in my room I am trying to build a life on top of myself where I am lying there dying dead and and the deadlyiness of the rooms around me and the things I see is crying for someone to tell me something that will help me to get out of here. Love,
Bloopsy
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I miss Eddie.Why doesn't he love me? Why did he hurt me. I miss him. I wish we could be together forever.
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(((((((((Bloopsy))))))))) a big girly hug for you
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Bloopsy: You are not a horrible person, you are a wonderful person! Being angry does not make you a monster, being angry is an emotion, which in your case is very much a good and natural response to the awful things that happened to you. And no, you did not let them happen, you were not able to stop him. None of this is your fault it is all his fault and it is right and good and natural to be angry at him. I am angry at him for what he did to you, and I bet everyone on this board is angry at him for what he did to to you, and I hope you don't think we are monsters for hating him, because that is what he deserves.
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Bloopsy, I'm sorry that you feel so awful right now. I think you are really helping yourself by sharing it with us here. I've re-read your posts and have a question for you. Are you more afraid/upset with feeling angry or with feeling like you are not in control of yourself?
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I think it is both. I started to get angry on the train yeatersay and I immediately shut that sown because I was afraid that I would lash out at someone and not be able to get by in the world so angry as I am . I just don't want anyone to know that I am angry. THe part of me that is angry Firestorm is very very angry. But I act out of that by being passive aggresive anyway. When I stamp aroun I am at least able to stamp around!!!!But it is scary because I want to hit him. But one time I did throw a plate and wanted to throw it at someone but I threw it at the floor instead.Firestorm doessn't want ot hurt anyone but she doesn't want them to hurt her and by not letting myself get angry that doesn't help anything. Longtire it is more scary to be out of control and not knowing why I am doing what I am doing. Firestorm gets angry when men try to talk to her but I deny it and pretend it is okay. The other say this man treated me as a prostitute on the street and I laughed but my whole body went number after that I just don't take myself seriiously enough to think that these things really bother me and when I talked to my mom about working in a soup kitchen where men mostly went and they would be so flirty all the time but it made me feel very unsafe and I ended up going out with one man who I thought was my father and I told my mom that I was uncomfortable with how the men trated me and I wanted to say something about it and she said not kto because then they will think you think you are pretty and then I felt ashamed but I ended up having to leave after trying to tell one of the men something and he said I know that my mind works a thousand times faster than yours and by that time I was so angry that I couldn't take it and had to go. I am so angry and enraged. I didn't do any of this crap on purpose. Thank you guys so much for being validating and not thinking that I am complaining about nothing I am really very angry about it and so angry at my mom and her boyfriend jbecause he emotionally raped me and I hear his voice whenever I try to do my art telling me lkwho do I think I am to be doing art screaming about it raging about how I have no right to do art when there are starving peole in the world it felt like he opened me up and dumped all the sufering in the world into me and that it was my fault. Whatev. I am so angry. I hate him and I want to spit on his pillow. Do any of you nkow what to do when you are so angry
? Maybe stomp around and yell and scream in priveate???Love, Bloop[sy
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Longtire I think it is more scary to be out of control than angry????in the end. That was me Bloopsy above. I am solrry about the long rambling post, I just get started and it is like turning on a sfaucet that has been shut a long time and forgotten?
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Hi Bloopsy,
I'm wondering if it goes something like this....if you think you are bad, evil, a monster, etc., then you have more control over the situation. But if others turn out to be the bad ones who are doing horrible things, then you might "lose it" and get yourself in trouble by acting out. But you can't always convince yourself that you're bad and they're okay. Then it gets confused and overwhelming. Does any of that happen...?
bunny
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yes. I always think I deserve to be punished that Ed told me so and I believed him because I agread. I don't know if i am bad or they are. Today I just need to lie down. When I atart to think that they are bad then I get very angry and I'm afraid I will be mean and be kicked out of the house and have no where to go or to be ended up in the hospital.
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Bloopsy, my anger comes out one way or another. I'm tired of it coming out in ways that hurt me too. Starting about a year and a half ago I started screaming and cursing at my wife. Granted, she was and has been doing a lot of hateful stuff. Still, my reaction shocked and scared me. I felt very out of control and afraid that I would be stuck in rage for the rest of my life. I thought that I had "snapped" and would never be "me" again. I'm not trying to compare the intensity of my experience to yours. Thank God no one ever raped me, because my parents were completely out of touch and would not have been able help me in any useful way!
Now, in hindsight, I realize that I HAD to feel my anger and even my out of control rage in order to know what I want and who I am. I DIDN'T know myself before I started getting angry. At that time I thought I *was* anger because that's all I saw. I was just holding it all in and aiming it at myself. Somehow, all of this anger and rage started coming out when I was ready to grow. I didn't realize I was ready to grow. I wasn't looking to grow. I wasn't conscious of any of this at all, it just happened when I was ready. I didn't feel ready. I still don't. But, that is what has started me down the section of my road to recovery. To recover my real self.
For me, there are 2 peices that I do to deal with all these feelings. The first is letting it out. Not that I have a choice! I had to let out enough of all those years of anger and rage before I could see straight enough to do ANYTHING else. It's hard to pay attention to yourself, others, or anything else while you are vomiting! You just don't care at that point in time because you are taking care of more important stuff. BTW, the most grateful I have ever been in my life was when a nurse helped me by doing the Heimlich Maneuver on me when I was vomiting in the hospital. What a point of Grace that was to be held and helped at my lowest, most helpless point.
Once I had let "enough" out, the pressure was more managable. The single most helpful thing I do now is allow and accept my feelings. I accept that they are MY feelings. I try to make more "room" for them to keep the pressure low. I don't try to change them. I don't try to get rid of them. I try to be aware of them, how they feel, where in my body I feel them, which inner family member I associate them with and anything else that comes to mind. When I have done this "long enough" I always learn something, grow, make a decision I've been putting off, something. When these feelings come up for me it is ALWAYS to help me take the next step somewhere in my life. I know that now. But, when I am in the middle of feeling it all and feeling overwhelmed and having tunnel vision it is SOOO hard to just sit with it. That's the last thing I want to do. It gets a little easier each time I practice it. Every decision I make or feeling I reown is one less piece of baggage I have to carry around on my shoulders.
I hope this helps. If nothing else, know you are not alone in having these feelings and thoughts, though that is exactly how it feels for each of us.
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I don't know if i am bad or they are
I don't know if this will help, but I started to really get better when I stopped trying to jump to conclusions about things. Maybe don't comment about your anger to yourself-- don't try to figure out who is wrong, don't try to figure out if it's ok if you have this anger. Just have it. Do whatever you like (within morality!) to deal with it, or don't do anything. Just sit with it. It won't kill you, I promise. I think that those of us who came from abusive households are so ashamed of our emotions that it's as if we come to fear them. They're scary. But the truth is, if you just sit by yourself, feeling as angry as you want to or don't want to, you will be fine. Don't worry about processing the feelings, about talking about them with anyone (although we are here if you need us, as is your therapist if you have one).
This may just be my personal experience, but I found that some of my old friendships were with very N people (I didn't recognize this because of my childhood experience). When I had emotions, these "friends" told me I was bad, wrong, confused, etc. It certainly didn't help me at all... I guess I'm saying try to be careful whom you lean on right now. Avoid anyone who echoes your negative fears about yourself.
Hang in there-- we are here for you!
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Thank you all you guys for helping me out today and all these days all along, it is so nice come here it feels like coming home. I have happy memories of today now and warmth in today. Sometimes it is not working to digest all of the stuff at once huh but it can seep in slowly.
Love,
Bloopsy
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I was wondering what anyone thought about being told tthat you are being overdramatic and if anyone else has this problem. Vunil you said to be careful of who to hang aroun d these days and I was thinking that maybe it would be better not to hang around anyone who thinks that I am being overdramatic. Eddi accused me of being a drama queen and a liar when I told him how I felt and my sponsor told me I was being overdramatic about feleing like I am perposefully killing myself with cigarettes. This feels very confusing and I think that it is because I wish that they were right so I pretend to myself that they are???? I don't understand the difference between being a drama queen and telling the truth. This one woman was on court tv about how she had breast implants and now she felt like she was boiling in hot oil and that Eddie accused her of being a drama queen once she started ranting about the hot oil and said that she has now lost all credibility. I felt bad for her that she was boiling in hot oil.
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Dear Bloopsy/Shadow: You are not a drama queen. People who say that you are just don't know or want to know how much pain that you have been through. These people do not know what your true feelings are. Eddie doesn't want to see how hurt you are, b/c he was the one to hurt you. So he tells you that you are a drama queen, he tells himself that you are a drama queen, so he won't have to think about what he put you through. Your sponsor doesn't know your story. She doesn't know what your true feelings are. You have a right to your feelings and no-one can tell you that they are wrong or exaggerated, because they are not feeling them. Take care and big hugs!
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I'm worried that your sponsor said you were being overdramatic-- we don't expect better from Eddie, of course, but your sponsor should be supportive. Maybe she/he was trying just to be a friend and tell you not to worry, but if you can get yourself to do it, I think it would be great if you could tell your sponsor that it hurt your feelings when she (don't know the gender, I'll just say she) said that. It also was inaccurate :) Cigarettes can hurt you, and they can make you feel pretty yucky if you smoke too many (I used to be a smoker myself). So when you were worrying about the health effects of smoking, it certainly wasn't overly dramatic!
It could just be that people are getting used to this new you who is having a voice. And you are getting used to your voice, learning how to use it to express what you want. I would agree that being around super-supportive people right now is a good idea. And telling those who are supposed to be supportive (like your sponsor) what you need from them would be an excellent use of your new expressiveness :) It will probably make the two of you even closer.
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Sometimes you have to go a little "over the top" before you find your balance. I am not saying you are, but just noticed that in myself as I struggled to find my voice. Also people around you may react differently including trying to "shut you down". They are not used to the new you.
Keep expressing and feeling those emotions. I believe it is the only way to get unstuck. And for me it did, and sometimes still does, seem a little out of control at times. It is okay to be dramatic and out of control. "Depression is the damning of the river of emotions"----something I heard at the beginning of this journey.
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I don't understand the difference between being a drama queen and telling the truth.
If you are expressing your actual feelings, it's the truth. If you are making up feelings to get attention and to hurt other people, it isn't the truth. Everything in your posts indicates that you are telling the truth-- nothing sounds very drama queen to me at all! Drama queens (and I have known a few) are very enamored of themselves in their personal interactions, and at least on the surface have all kinds of confidence in their wonderfulness-- in everyone's strong desire to hear about their every hangnail and headache. You are the opposite of that-- you apologize for the most obvious and common emotion, because people in your life haven't acknowledged you. It makes me so mad that you have had your very real emotions dismissed as "drama." It means whoever was doing the dismissing doesn't fully get the difference between wanting attention and having real feelings-- perhaps because of their own narcissism and inability to feel.
Also, may I please put in my 2 cents about Eddie? He is yucky. Stay away...
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Calling someone a "drama queen" is an insult, plain and simple. There is nothing in that term that is encouraging at all. It is never said to help someone. The people who use that against you are not being honest with you. If they were it would go something like this "I am uncomfortable when you express your pain to me. I feel that way because (pick any number of responses)....I love you and it bothers me that others haven't and I'm not able to deal with that......I am responsible for your pain and can't face it..........I want you to stay all confused about yourself so you won't see what I'm all about.............
Notice that an honest conversation has no sentences beginning with YOU ARE. Those sentences are very judgemental and defensive. I'm surprised your sponsor doesn't know this. "I" messages are the most honest, but people rarely want to acknowledge how they really feel. It seems you are willing to, and that scares the heck out of people. Good for you, that means you are powerful!
Now, if you were to respond to such a comment, and throw that crap right back on them, (this is their stuff, not yours, you have enough to handle), simply say; "I am not comfortable with that term. I will not accept that labeling from you. When you have something supportive to say to me, I will listen, otherwise, have a nice day". Or something like that.....Hard to do, perhaps, but I actually practice saying these things when I am alone. Then when it comes up I feel better about sticking up for myself.
I also made a cd for myself with me saying powerful messages I need to 'reprogram" myself with...a cassette tape works too. I figure I heard such negative things and that was the "tape" in my head, that I needed a new one. I wish I knew you, I would help you do that!!
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It is so nice to be coming to this board, I think that it is helping me to find my voice. Thank you forever,
Love, Bloopsy
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When I went to 12-step meetings for codependency I never had a sponsor, nor would I be a sponsor. Why? Because I didn't think the sponsors knew what they were doing. They had no training. They had no knowledge of how to mentor people. Most of them were as screwed up as I was. This may be the case here, Bloopsy. A sponsor who calls their sponsee a 'drama queen' doesn't know what they're doing. I'm sorry this happened.
bunny
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I just wanted to clarify that my sponsor said she thought that I was being dramatic, she didn't think I was a drama queen. I guess that is not as icky?
Love,
Bloopsy
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I think that I am just going to go on being honest and not tyr to water down how I feel so that other people will not call me a drama queen. Thanks guys for supporting me.There are just degrees of experiences and some people just haven't been there.Those of us who have don't accuse eachother of being drama queens like here and at SIA meetings. My sponsor said herself that she has had an easy life, besides the drinking. Maybe she is not the right sponsor fo rme what with her easy life and all of her you won't feel good until you do good things pollyannaishness which is nice to think so and maybe it is that way for her and I will try but I don't know.
Love,
BBloopsy
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Bloopsy, you might not feel good until you feel good, and that might not happen too soon if the people (as in your sponsor) around you are judgemental.
If they won't give you some compassion, how are you going to find that for yourself? You're allowed not to know it all/have it all figured out. We all are, because no one ever does. I don't know what a sponsor is suppose to do, but even saying you are "dramatic" has a judgement to it.
I'm dramatic too! Maybe say "thank you" next time?
((((((bloopsy)))))))
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My sponsor said herself that she has had an easy life, besides the drinking
Seems like a strangely odd and out of touch thing to say, or maybe she is just not that emotional/expressive. Maybe she is very private. Either way, she may not be a match for you.
How do you feel around her? Comforted, supported, like somebody is on your side? Because if you don't feel that way then I agree with Bunny that having a sponsor doesn't really buy you anything. The 12-step program may be enough, and you can interpret it however you need to as you go through it, without the interpretation of someone else.
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Hi Bloopsy and everyone:
I've just recently come back after being away for a week so I have a lot of catching up to do.
I just read through this entire thread and Bloopsy I just want to say that I don't think you are overly dramatic or a drama queen and I don't like what your sponsor said to you.....how you felt after hearing that.
And I really like mum's idea of how to respond by saying: "Thank you".
Yes, I like it a lot because when someone is insensitive and insults you so clearly, you have every right to answer in a way to shut them up as quick as can be and I bet Mum's idea might be very effective, in that way.
Especially if you don't feel like confronting the person or don't feel strong enough to start standing up for yourself, at that moment, or if you think the person is out to lunch and won't hear anything you say anyway.
I don't think it is mean of you to let your feelings out or to tell Ed what you think and feel either. I think he hurt you and you have every right to say so.
I really like that you said that you are going to go on being honest and not try to water down how you feel!! That is a great attitude! Who cares what anyone calls you? Don't let their words get to you.
You are definately entitled to your feelings. They are valid and being honest is a good thing. I doubt very much that you are mean to anyone who isn't mean to you first.
GFN
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Bloopsy,
Calling you dramatic rather than drama queen doesn't change my opinion. She doesn't know what she's doing. You don't need to be criticized by a sponsor. That's not her job at all.
bunny
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I feel bad for my inner 13 year old Bloopsy Rose. She wants to say hi to you guys. She is in my abdomen and she is very sad. I am having a hard time helping her. She thinks that she is ugly and bad and she thinks that she deserves to be punished. She doesn't. She has many ways to punish herself and they include being around people who are emotionally unavailable. I feel so guilty. I didn't know that she was the one acting out and I was not mature enough to know that I have to be ther parent. We can't rely on anybody else to protect or love us. Every time she gets hurt she blames herself. I can't let her do that anymore. I pray for strength. God is here. My sponsor I think she just didn't understand but I will not let her misinterpret me again without sticking up for myself which means sticking up for Bloopsy Rose Firestorm Destiny and Little Princess.The first step is to say that it really happened and I have a strong instict that it happened with my mom's boyfriend too. I can't tell anyone but I told my therapist and she believed me. Bloopsy Rose said it is true and so did Destiny. Bloopsy Rose feels so ashamed and it was not her fault. Sometimes Firestorm feels like burning down the world Little Princess needs to be held and Destiny needs to dance and sing and do art and we all need to cry I am the parent I can't let my children go they are not at fault we are not to blame, please pray for me . Love Bridget
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How' s this: (and I am not kidding): Firestorm could write how everything makes her feel and then rip up that paper and burn it in a big pot outdoors while Destiny sings and dances around the fire, Little Princess gets held tight while you all go round and round, holding on, loving and laughing, and Bloopsy Rose can yell and not feel guilty and you can all cry together.
I burn things I write sometimes, giving up that energy to whatever/whoever and it has helped me a lot. I cry sometimes when I do it as well. If you do this, perhaps the parent will make sure everyone is safe. Maybe your therapist will help you to do this, or you could do this little ceremony in your head when you are alone. I used to imagine cutting a large chain between me and my ex with a loud chainsaw....funny, but I always felt better after.
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Yes, mum! I did this with my hopes, expectations, dreams I had had for my marriage. It really helped me to acknowledge all of it and how important it was to me and then let it go. I kept no copies or records. Everything on the page got burnt up.
Bridget, have you asked Rose what *exactly* she is sad and afraid about? I realize that there is plenty there to be sad about. But I've found when I do this with my inner family I always find out something new.
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The first step is to say that it really happened and I have a strong instict that it happened with my mom's boyfriend too.
Sorry I don't remember, but what happened with your mom's boyfriend? Are you ok with talking about it?
Yes, listen to miss bloopsie and let her say whatever she wants. I think she knows a lot...
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Vunil, I don't think I wrote about Ivan and how he abused me sexually and emotionally but I remembered the emotional. Where Bloopsy Rose is there is a hole inside of my stomache and when it opend up it just feels like everything in the world is attacking me. She has a bloody and blackened body. She is the one who is helpless. I don't understand much right now.
Love,
Bridget
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Vunil, I don't think I wrote about Ivan and how he abused me sexually and emotionally but I remembered the emotional. Where Bloopsy Rose is there is a hole inside of my stomache and when it opend up it just feels like everything in the world is attacking me. She has a bloody and blackened body. She is the one who is helpless. I don't understand much right now.
Love,
Bridget
I am so sorry little Bloopsy! {{{{{Bloopsy}}}}}
Is there anything I can do to help bandage the wounds? Would it help to talk about it? To have people commiserate? To express the feelings?
If I could I would go back in time and rescue you. What a terrible thing to have lived through. What a terrible picture of pain you paint.
Many of us here have been through it-- maybe that will help it feel more safe? We know it isn't your fault. You know that too, right?
Poor Bloopsie may have been helpless then but she isn't now.
In my mind right now I am [insert inappropriately violent behavior toward Ivan here]. On Bloopsie's behalf.
love,
Vunil
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Hi Bloopsy/Rose/Bridget,
I second what Vunil wrote. I don't know how Rose would like to be helped, but we're here to support her, and the other children.
bunny
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Bridget, I wish I knew what to do to help support you. My heart goes out to you. I can sense your pain each time you write. :cry: If you know what we could do to help, let us know. If not, then take as much time as you need. You are always welcome here, if that helps.
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Hi. It helps me so much to hear you guys supportive voices. It helps Bloopsy Rose she wants me to tell you she loves you.
Love Bridget
Spiritine
Firestorm
Little Princess Bee
Bloopsy Rose
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Dearest Bridget, I just read a few pages back. I want to mention a few things from last week if that’s okay.
I was told all my life growing up that I was drama queen. It was cruel bullshit. Same for you. The people who say this are cruel and wrong.
I feel I am killing myself with cigarettes too. But right now I don’t care. I still like my cigarettes. They are always there. They don’t criticise me. They’re my friends. Cigarettes are my way of defending myself against other people. One day I might give them up. But not yet. That’s okay.
You have every right to make art. I wish so much that you would make art. Lots of art! If you made art about your life and let all your children take part…..it would be amazing.
You making art helps the suffering people. Making art is helpful. Him telling you that you have no right to make art (when people are suffering) is harmful. He is harming the world by being cruel to you. You are trying to help the world. He is wrong, you are right. Sometimes it is that simple.
I think you should spit on his pillow! It’s not a crime to spit on someone’s pillow. If you want to do it, go ahead. You’re allowed to spit on pillows. No-one gets hurt by a bit of spit!
Trust yourself.
Sorry if you’ve said this elsewhere B but have you ever been in hospital?
If yes, did it scare you?
If no, does the idea scare you?
Lots of love, P
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going to spit on Ivans' pillow now!!!!!!!! yay!!!!! oops now I feel guilty for that!!!! but I will do it anyway and report back.
Portia,
I have been in the hospital and it was relaly scary!!!!!
also thank you for saying about the art. I had never thought about it in that way before. I knew there was something wrond with it in a deepdown level because I was like, how come art and all the music is so helpful and comforting to me but it is wrong for me to make art??? What??? It just feels like being stuffed back and not able to give anything ..
Here are some lyrics to a song that I love, just wanted to share them with you I don't know if they're quite right
These songs of freedom
is all I ever had
redemption songs
redemption songs
emancipate yourself from mental slavery
none but ourselves can free our minds
have no fear for atomic energy
cuz none of them can stop the time
how long shall they kill our prophets
while we stand aside and look
some say it's just a part of it
we got to fulfill the book
These songs of freedom
is all I ever had
redemption songs
redemption songs
by Bob Marley
All my kids want to contribute on a project for my sponsor in AA's birthday!! She has twinkly eyes and a jolly laugh.
I just spit on the pillow!!!! So nice to do that. Once for each of my inner children. What a ripoff!!!!!!!says Firestorm!!!
Love Bridget and the gang
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Hey Bridget and the gang, coooool. 8) If anyone asks why their pillow is wet, you don't know okay? Sometimes a little white lie is a good thing, true! :D
Everything is balance. A little spit and a white lie is good for you and hurts no-one. (You can blame me in your head okay? I don't mind :D )
You're doing something artful for your sponsor? :D Fantastic :D
I love Bob Marley songs, have some right here, I might just play some thinking of you. Great lyrics, thanks for reminding me 8)
(((((((B and the gang!)))))))
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redemption songs
redemption songs
I love that word, "redemption." A few months ago I heard the theme from spiderman 2 (I know, I know-- but we get our comfort wherever it comes! And the song actually is nice) which is about "slow spinning redemption" and the word just made me cry. It still brings tears to my eyes.
Maybe that can be the subtitle of our board: redemption. Was there ever a prettier word?
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I have this posted on my (art) classroom door: perhaps it will make you feel better about your art. The world NEEDS your art, even more than you need to make it! Whoever told you otherwise is lying.
"We need art to live fully and to grow healthy. Without it we are dry husks drifting aimlessly on every ill wind, our futures without promise and our pasts without grace." Maya Angelou
If I knew you in the "real world", my studio would be your studio. YOU inspire ME!!!
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Vunil: I have a friend who wrote the most beautiful song: "Redemption Girl" for his wife. She's no longer his wife, but the song and that word, are indeed beautiful.... absolutely. I now have it in my head....must hunt for his CD.....
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I love slow spinning redemption!!!!!
Love Bridget and the gang
and secretly weaving redemption too!
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Bridget and the gang: I don't think you are being overly dramatic for saying that you're killing yourself with cigarettes. I actually started smoking because it was a destructive thing to do, because I wanted to hurt myself. I have since tried to give it up, but have never been able to until I became pregnant. Then it was easy! We sometimes find it easier to do things for others than to do them for ourselves, but almost always when we do something for ourselves we end up helping others in some roundabout way. Your art will help others, your posts here helps others, your caring for yourself and all of your children helps others. At the moment I have this wonderful picture in mt head of Bridget/Bloopsy/Shadow/Rose and all the others, making art together, for a moment being happy and laughing helping each other to put together a work of art for someone they like. This picture makes me smile and feel really happy for you all. You created that smile and that happiness! :D You are truly a wonderful person.
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Hi guys. I want to tell you something very happy and important. I talked tp my therapist today and she said that both her and the spirit healer that I seesay that they are pleased with my progress and that I will get better. I am so proud of myself and it is my birthday this week and it is a good week for a birthday.
Love BRidget and the gang.\
Little Princess is very happy. She is a pea pod.She feels proud of hersalf and she says yay for me and my progress.
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Hi Bloopsy,
I just want to reiterate what someone said earlier in this thread, because I'm noticing it a LOT lately:
Being mean and hurting someone's feelings are two different things.
If I tell someone that I'm feeling badly about their actions, their feelings may be hurt but that is no reason for me to hide my feelings. If I do hide feelings, they may eventually explode into an episode in which I really AM "mean." To me, if I'm using "I" statements to describe how I feel, and not telling someone they're a jerk or whatever, then I'm not being mean.
The other thing is that sometimes we cannot simultaneously tell the truth AND make someone feel good or agree with us. As other people have mentioned, growing up with N's makes it really hard for us to withstand disagreement, disapproval, anger, sadness, etc from others. After all, it was our job to avoid these things from the N. We somehow got the impression that if we do the "right" thing, other people will feel good about us. But think about this: if our actions are dictated by the emotional reactions of others, then we are completely vulnerable to manipulation. If someone wants us to act a certain way, all they have to do is disapprove of us or exhibit negative emotions and voila, they get their way. People may not even do this consciously - and we may actually teach them to do it. Although I don't have kids, I think it's the same thing: When you set appropriate boundaries with your kids, they may not like it and they may get mad and/or cry, etc. Does this mean you shouldn't set boundaries? Of course not!! But unfortunately I have seen some parents who cannot withstand negative reactions from their children, and the kids become little terrors. It's hard, but we must PRACTICE to prevent the people in our lives from terrorizing us!![/quote]
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Little Princess is very happy. She is a pea pod.She feels proud of hersalf and she says yay for me and my progress.
You are so cute. Yay from me too. :-)
bunny
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Hi Bridget. I'm glad to hear that things are improving. We say Yay for you and your progress too! :D Happy birthday! Here's some balloons. :)
QQQQQQQ
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Little Princess Bee Flower(wer're not all named yet) is so happy to get her balloons and is carrying them so happy that she has a friend. Thank you!!!!!
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Happy Birthday Bridget!!!
Congratulations on your progress too!!
Yay! Yay! Yay! :D :D :D
So glad to hear that things are going well for you!!
GFN