Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: chutzbagirl on March 14, 2005, 12:51:32 AM
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Hi, this is my first posting. I've been detatched from my N mom for over a year. Pretty sure relationship will not be an option due to her contempt for my faith and overall lack of respect and love. Turning away has been very hard for me. I wish it could be different but realize she will never change. Detatching from Mom meant loss of brother and Uncle - it was a package deal.
Her birthday just passed and I was amazed at the intensity of the grief. Thought I was doing pretty well and was slammed. My birthday is coming up in a couple of days and I'm actually fearful. I'm afraid of more grief and the inability to know what I need to have a good day. For some strange reason I have no idea what to do and nothing sounds fun. (Maybe I'll sneak away and see a movie while the kids are in school. :? )
Recovery is hard work. Birthdays have always been a trigger for me. Maybe because I actually wanted to be the center of attention during my birthday as a child? If you've got an N parent you know that would have been impossible. Having a spouse that's not big into birthdays doesn't really help.
Anyways, I'm interested to hear how you have dealt with birthdays.
Thanks,
Chutzbagirl
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Hi chutzbagirl and welcome! :D Birthdays have been a PIG for me too! I’ve tried to give them up, lose any importance attached to them, so instead I’m nicely surprised by good things.
I’ll try some advice: don’t expect others to anticipate your needs, instead, tell people what you want – otherwise they won’t know. How about:
“Dear Hubby, this is going to be a tough birthday for me because of my mom. I’d really like you to do some things for me if you want to.
I’d like a birthday cake, with a candle on it! And I’d like that in the morning before you leave for work/school.
I’d like a CD of x music, or this book x and a bunch of flowers. And those would make me really happy.”
Could you do that chutzbagirl, ask for what you might want? What do you think? best, P
PS. Try not to think about your mom on your birthday, think of your own family. She doesn’t deserve your thoughts on your birthday.
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Birthdays are always horrible. Mainly, for me, because I remember always crying at some point on my birthdays when I was young. Different reasons every time, but at some point I would be upset and crying, and would realise that it had been the same the year before. Eventually there was a great string of these disappointing or hurting days. Ns like to build up our expectations, but they have no idea how to make it all work. :?
These days I usually try to have lunch with a friend. Can't always be done, depending what day it is. Otherwise I try to expect nothing, and treat it just as any other day.
However, I hope you have a good day, and it is a good idea to decide what you would like in advance and say so, as Portia suggests.
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Hi Chutzbagirl!
Birthdays have always been a trigger for me too (although I didn't really realize it until I read your post), both mine and others, I feel sooo strongly that everyone should get to be happy on their birthday. We probably feel this way because as children we wanted at least one day of the year when we would be happy and seen and loved. I also have a partner who isn't too particular about about birthdays (if his parents forget to call him, he doesn't really care), but I've sat down with him and explained to him that although it might not be a big deal in his family, it is to me. Have you done that? Even if you have, it might be a good idea to do it again under the new circumstances. You also have children of school age, so I'm sure you will get a few lovely hand-made presents and attention from them (provided you and husband make sure they know when it is). As you suggested in your post, you also have the option of spoiling yourself this particular day, you can give yourself the love and attention that your mother didn't give you. If all else fails, try to think that these days you get love and attention all year round from your children and your husband (I hope), so maybe this day doesn't have to have so much of an all-or-nothing feel to it. Tough to do, I know, but I think I just gave myself some excellent advice :D , so I'll try doing this as well when I get to my next birthday! Meanwhile, hope I could help, take care and a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY in advance!
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Just thought of something else. When is your birthday, Chutzbagirl? Would you like to have a party here?
<Starts blowing up balloons>
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I used to get really unhappy on birthdays ( not that I had to suffer N parents - heart goes out to those of you that did). Then last year I decided to act for ME. YEs, ME ME ME!! (Ahh a hidden narc tendancy!). I decided what I would like for my birthday and then told people. SO I booked a restaurant and told people that they could come for MY birthday. I sent out a list with gift ideas and told my mum and dad to pay!! I did exactly what I wished someone else would do for me. May sound mad, but it was my first birthday without a partner and I am still getting over my ex so I treated myself. Once I started seeing a birthday as a ME day and let myself free to do whatever I wanted, however selfishly, then I felt a whole lot better. This may not work for everyone, but just a suggestion. DIY birthdays!!!
Hey I should have bought presents and made people pay me!!
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Hi everybody - thanks for your replies. Portia, I took your advice and asked my husband for what I needed. I lead a children's program on Wendesday nights - my b-day is this Wednesday - and asked him to bring a cake to the program. I'm an extravert so celebrating in private doesn't quite do it for me. My husband is an introvert so he has to stretch to give me what I need.
It is so painful to ask for what I want or need. I started crying just asking for a cake. Someday my emotional age will catch up to my chronological age. I'm beginning to realize that I beat myself up a lot for experiencing pain. There is an internal expectation to "have it all together" and be needless. I guess that's what those of us with N parents are taught.
Hope you all have a good day. I'm off to counseling!
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You’re an extravert and you’re having a cake in public? Yayyyy! :D Good!
October, carry on with those balloons, I’m going to get some of those really garish Happy Birthday banners. So pleased for you chutzbagirl. You do have to tell introverts what to do, otherwise we’ll think you’ll be happy with a quiet evening at home (I would be). Good news, thank you :D
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I am sorry you went through pain on your birthday. I have recently severed a relationship with my N father. An mine comes as a package deal as well - mother and siblings, aunts and uncles. My N father has convinced everyone he is in the right and that he is GOD. A common behvioral trait of a DNP. I didn't think I would have a hard time on my recent b-day March 5th, but I did. I was deeply saddened that my mother didn't even call me. It was like it never happened. In the future, I have decided it is my day, I'm glad I was born and I will celebrate my new found life without the toxicity of an N in my life. Good luck to you.
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chutzbagirl,
Welcome and I'm glad you took care of yourself for your B-day. I believe in DIY birthdays and planning one own's special day. We can't leave it to others, they may screw it up! :-) I'm at an age where I prefer to downplay the whole thing. My way of observing it is to start buying myself birthday gifts 2 months in advance. And maybe for a month or two after my birthday...
bunny
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For those whose parents ignore their birthdays, I want to say, I'm sorry they are so cold and heartless. I wish a big *HAPPY BIRTHDAY* to all of you!
bunny
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I would like to chime in with bunny.
Happy Birthday, chutzbagirl! :D
Happy Belated Birthday, Kylo! :D
Mia
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Birthdays are hard for me, and I always thought it was just me. My nmother made a big deal out of my birthday, probably because she can't really tell where she stops and I begin, so my birthday was a way for her to celebrate herself. And to compound this, I was born on my nfather's birthday, so it was never really my own birthday--I had to share it with him. When I started therapy I realized I'd never enjoyed my birthday. I had no idea what I might like to do. As an introvert, I finally chose a trip with my husband to a bed and breakfast in an artsy town with bookstores etc. I did nothing with my family. It was very scary at first--I thought I was doing something wrong. I assumed doing what I wanted on *my* birthday was selfish. I couldn't do it unless I left town altogether--escaped. Gradually over the past 4 years I've gotten to the point that I can stay in town, if that's what I desire--I don't have to flee(though I still don't invite family to my birthday).
Greta
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OOOOOOOOO
SSSSSSSSSS
OOOOOOOOO
SSSSSSSSSS
OOOOOOOOO
SSSSSSSSSS
OOOOOOOOO
SSSSSSSSSS
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October
Cool balloons!
How sweet.
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Well, rather weird looking. Any suggestions for improving the strings???
:lol:
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Hello chutzbagirl,
Why does your mom have contempt for your faith? Does it compete with her for attention or did it give you the strength to seperate yourself from her?
My brother frequently ridicules my faith in an attempt to belittle me. He even threatened to sue my church, which is incomprehensible to me as no one there even knows him or is connected to him in any conceivable way.
I suspect Ns are incapable of true faith and therefore it is just another human behavior they envy and or despise.
Greta,
My wife and I often give each other B&B type birthday gifts. They are wonderful. They can be in addition to normal birthday celebrations (if you have any normal family to share them with.) What about your husbands family? My wife's family has filled in quite nicely for the enablers and chickens on my side of the blood lines.
mudpuppy
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Gosh, I feel so bad for those of you (so many) who grew up without the BIG DAY each year. Chutzpah, I am happy you have some (chutzpah)! Good for you!
My parents had nine kids, but our birthdays were done up big time. WE were the star (which is tough with so many kids around).
When I "grew up" I was surprised and always dissapointed at birthday time. My (both) exN husbands had NO clue how to make a birthday special for someone. I was usually angry and hurt all day. My kid's dad would usually buy me extravagant presents (to smokescreen affairs, I later found out) but then treat me so badly, I would cry all day.
My second husband just didn't care at all. Not at all...we'd go get a drink (for him, really) or maybe to dinner, but mostly last minute.
Now I am the one who reminds my children. ... I make sure they have a way to purchase or make me presents. At first it felt weird, but they felt sooo bad when they would realize they had nothing for me. It's a single parenting strategy... one of many to keep the home happy.
And, of course, I am the one who helps them remember their idiot dad's birthday and helps them get him a present....(not his current wife, imagine!) I do this not to make him feel good, but to make them feel good.
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QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ
Short strings, but what the heck.
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The balloons are too cute! :) It's amazing how just being understood and encouraged can really lift my spirits. I had a "temper tantrum" in counseling and am now acually looking forward to my b-day. Can't even imagine trying to get well on my own.
My husband has come a long way and is being very sweet by ordering a cake and stepping out of his comfort zone. At the same time, I am no longer expecting him to read my mind and hating him for failing to be a psychic.
Someone (sorry I forgot to look at the name) asked me why my Mom is so disprespectful of my faith. I think the answer to that is my faith is threatening to her and causes her to look at her destructive choices and dishonesty, which she is completely incapable of doing.
This is a great message board - I'm so glad to have found it!
[/quote]
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mum wrote,
I would cry all day.
There are so many people in this world in need of a good sound beating, it staggers the imagination. :evil: :evil: :evil: Where should we start? :twisted:
((((mum)))))
How do you get lower than making your wife cry her entire birthday?
Chutzba wrote,
At the same time, I am no longer expecting him to read my mind and hating him for failing to be a psychic.
Women are so smart, I have a hard time understanding why it takes you guys so long to figure out we men are basically dimwitted cud chewing beasts of the field.
I can't read my wifes mind when she tells me what she's thinking! I can't even read my own. :shock:
Happy Birthday everybody! :D
mudpuppy
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Mudpuppy: yes, a good beating. I will lead you to him!
On the up side: I now have a guy who does birthdays like I do!
And yeah, women are smarter than men. :P
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mum wrote,
And yeah, women are smarter than men.
Just to prove your point, no matter how many times I use this board I NEVER remember to just click on the page number to go to the last page; I always click on the topic, wait for the first page to come up, and then have to click on the last page number to get to the latest post. Is anyone else this slow? :?
They need an emoticon with a dunce cap for some of us I think.
mud
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It is today? Happy Birthday chutzbagirl!
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It is today? Happy Birthday chutzbagirl!
Excellent!!!!! Happy Birthday. When can we cut the cake and sing?????
<feeling rather peckish!!!!>
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I can't sing but where's the cake?
Happy Birthday dear Chutzbagirl!
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Happy Birthday to You
Happy Birthday to You
Happy Birthday Dear Chutzbagirl
Happy Birthday to You
N's are all full of poo,
Yes we all know it's true,
May this new year bring healing
And some real joy to you!
(((Chutzbagirl)))
Stormchild
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Happy Birthday, Chutzbagirl!
*holding plate, waiting for you to cut your cake!*
I am a little late coming into this thread, but luckily, did not miss your birthday today!! Hope you have a wonderful day, the sun is shining gloriously where I live, and I hope it is shining where you live as well.
May this be the start of a very good year (and good future) for you!
Celebrating with you today!! Woohooo, I just popped a balloon!!
NewDay
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Celebrating with you today!! Woohooo, I just popped a balloon!!
NewDay
Take the parcel, take off a layer, and tell us what is inside. Then pass it on. :lol:
<Starts music playing>
<Hands massive great parcel to next person along>
<Music stops>
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:D You all are too sweet!! Thanks for your good wishes. Thoughtful people are wonderful!
I just woke up and so far so good - just a little bit of heart heaviness. Hopefully this will be a good day. I'm meeting my Al Anon sponsor for breakfast - I asked for what I needed! Then I'll do a little shopping and spend some time alone before the kids come home.
Supposibly the healthier we become the more able we are to feel/experience our pain and heal. Hmm, I will never be one of those types that looks forward to pain (that would be a masochist) but I guess it's a good sign that I'm able to feel the grief of being raised by a N Mom and a couple of alcoholic Dad's.
I am going to take good care of myself today and see what my God does...
Thanks again - I hope you all have a wonderful day as well :!:
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(Running in panting, hair on end.)
Hope I'm not too late! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
:D :D :D :D
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Chutzpah girl:
:D Don't know where you are....but it's still party time in my neck of the woods! Hope your birthday was awesome!!!
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It was a good day. :)
I'm so grateful to have stumbled upon this site. I guess we must be a special brand of people to have survived relationship with an N, come out of denial and live to write about it. Stormchild, your N birthday song was hilarious. :lol: I think they are full of "poo" too!
I look forward to getting to know you all better. Thanks again for your wishes - they warmed my heart.
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Happy Birthday a day late!!!
But maybe a week long celebration is in order.
My birthday is on Christmas. Wrap your thoughts around that one. I was lucky when I was younger that my paternal Grandmother always made sure we stopped Christmas for a little while and had a cake and bday party. I'm sure the other kids hated it. One year my oldest brother shot a rocket into my cake. He still insists it was an accident. Hah!!! I saw him line it up and take aim. It was a pretty good shot actually, across two rooms and through the cake.
Kind of nice now that I am older that peope forget about it. About ten years ago I started leaving town in December and on my birthday/Christmas. It was getting too crazy at home around the holidays. I had heard one too many times to suck it up and totally subjecate any of my feelings/wishes for the family.
Being in Florida on Christmas was weird at first but I got used to it. This year we were all together on the Christmas/birthday. We didnt really celebrate my birthday which I would have liked but there was a resounding singing of "Happy Birthday".
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Hi Bliz! In Scandinavia they celebrate Christmas on Christmas eve. Maybe you could move or go there for the holiday! :wink: They usually have whitw Christmases too... :)
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Hi Bliz,
My daughter's best friend's birthday is on Christmas too.
Her mom has a birthday party for her on June 25th of every year for her half birthday. It has worked beautifully.
Maybe you should be looking forward to your 1/2 birthday in June instead of the ones you missed in the past. :D :D :D
mudpup
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In support of my Dad, he did always offer to have the birthday in June or any other time. As a kid it just seemed so weird to be born on Christmas. All my buddies that it was fascinating too. Hey, somebody has to be born that day, right. Something kind of cool, is one of my nieces was born on the 26th. I think that would be worse, but she shrugs ift off with her usual aplume. Kids!!, they are so darn resilient.
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How do you celebrate (or deal with mother's day) - if you're not a mother - and your Mother is a raving N?
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How do you celebrate (or deal with mother's day) - if you're not a mother - and your Mother is a raving N?
Good question. What's your relationship with your mother like?
bunny