Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Anonymous on March 14, 2005, 04:27:45 PM
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Hi guyss. I admit that my biggest fear is that I am becoming a narsissist. I realize that I don't fulfill my healthy "ego"(? is this what it is?) things like have any accomplishments and also I think it is okay for people to treat me disrespectfully but then I get angry and want to yell at them I don't know what to do.
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Guest,
also I think it is okay for people to treat me disrespectfully
No one becoming an N would ever say that. With the limited info you gave it sounds more like you are in danger of becoming the victim of an N, if you aren't already.
How about a little more of your story? Please?
mudpup
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If you were a N you would expect others to treat you like a god and you would feel entitled to just about everything.
I would bet that you are not a N.
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It's unlikely that you will become a narcissist. It would have happened already. Getting angry isn't the same thing.
bunny
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Thankl you guys. Mudpup, I've written a lot of my story here. It is mostly abuse, and neglect, and then more of that!!! Ugh. I will have to tel the shaming voices in my head to back off of me. I do have some narsissistic things about me ,I know but so does everybody and focusing on it is just terrible and torturous.
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Hiya Bloopsy how are you doing? :D
Didn’t realise it was you, talking about becoming an N, because…..it’s the last thing I would think!
Bloopsy an N? :shock: It doesn’t compute! Noooo! Sorry, I’m not buying it. :D
Are you back at home with Mother not-so-dearest? How’s it going? Have you been to any more meetings?
Hope you’re not thinking it’s you that’s bad, coz you know what we think, we think Bloopsy’s okay, you’re not bad or an N.
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Bloopsey,
Having some narcissitic traits is a good thing. It can give you a good sense of self-esteem and confidence. Maybe that part of you is starting to imerge and make itself known. Maybe you are just learning that it is OK to assert yourself and be treated respectfully. Don't squash those feelings just because they are about you. You matter. :) :)
Brigid
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I am running around in circles in my heart. I have been to meetings and it is getting scary. I feel rushed like it is happening so fast and there is not ground to stand on. It is so scary for me to admit that my mom weasn't there for me and that I am still trying to prove that she is!!!!!! Oh no. oh my god. Spiralling aroun. it is dark. Hi
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Hi :D good to see you. Scary is okay. I get scared. You're not alone! We understand. We are listening B
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Bloopsy/Shadow,
We ARE here for you, even though your mother was not. Tell us all about how you feel. Tell us all about the fear and the terror and the pain and the longing and the sadness and the anger and everything else. Realize that when people write back that they don't think you are N, they are trying to reassure you. It must be hard to recognize and accept reassurance since you didn't get much (any?) practice getting that as a kid (or adult). I'm sorry that you are going through such a tough time right now. It sucks to be in the middle of becoming, when you can't even tell where you are headed. Just take things one day at a time and continue to let us know how you are doing, the goo, the bad, and the ugly.
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Bloopsie/Shadow:
You are not an N. You are coping with the N hood of your life. It is sorta dark when you realize "so this is what has been going on". Just do as longtire suggests and take one day at a time. To cope with the over all circumstance at one time is to over whelming. I remember watching that crazy show "What About Bob" with Bill Murray. He recommended "baby steps" and that is just about the short and long of it. Just take "baby steps." . Continue posting because this is indeed a place for "the family of survivorship". You are a little sister here. Much love to you Bloopsie. Patz
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Hi Bloopsy,
You wrote,
Mudpup, I've written a lot of my story here.
I didn't realize it was you, Bloopsy, sorry. :oops:
Everyone here loves and supports you, because you deserve love and support.
Remember, baby steps, baby steps, baby steps.......pretty soon you're in a new place. :)
God bless you.
mudpup
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I am proud to be a little sister here. This is a nice place to be. I admit that I still am feeling afraid and editing out stuff to not sound like an n. whatev. I think that I was treated by nish people in nish ways for instance by my moms' boyfriend Ivan the terrible who' s favorite topic of conversation is how 99.9 percent of the world are idiots. He once told me that my father didn't abandon me because he couldn't help it. I betcha he would also say that he didn't rape me because he couldn't help it. I think that even if someone can't help doing something they still did it and the person they did it to still exists even if they are trying hard not to exist. Whatev. The only thing to do is to not live by those rules myself it seems that way. Everything I did I did even if I couldn't help it or not and I hold everyone else to the same standards. Maybe that is the beginning of some self respect????? I have done things I am not proud of and I did them all.
I admit that I met a really nice friend who I like a lot but I am very scared to talk to him because I am afraid he will go away or die or that I am not good enough for him. But I don't feel as alive since I am trying to shut down. I am letting my fear and what happened run my life. But I am afraid because I know that Rose my 13 year old wants him to be her new dad and I don't want her to get hurt anymore. I also "fired" my first sponsor because she was considering sropping me as a sponsee and I got scared. Now I have another sponsor but she is very young, maybe that is better so I don't mommaify her. But I adit that I miss my new parents Debra and Smitty. Debra and Smitty i love you. Debra. I wish Debra was here and everything was okay. She is nice. I'm sad that I told her I didn't want to be sponsored anymore. oi called her and left a message that I missed her and I made a mistake and stuff but I think that she has enough sponsees and doesn't trust me and I don't blame her. I'm sorry about all these I statements. Maybe one day I'll(ack) sstop the I's.
One more athing is that my twin sister is coming home. We talked today and she told me that she was having a hard time very hard not blaming herself for every little thing and just lying there because she is so tired from that and all her friends are moving and she is in danger of being fired from her job. It doesn't feel right not to tell her what I remember if it would help her to pick up the peices. It doesn't seem fair for her to be struggling around suffering and not even knowing one of the main reasons why and blaming herself. I just don't know what to so I don't nkow if it is right for me to tell her.When me and my sister talk more about how we really feel, i think that we are more the same than I have ever known and it is so terrible that she is suffering without knowing why not that it is the only reason but still oh my what a ripoff. My therapist says that it is good for her to have her own time and process because the selfish part of me wanted to tell her so i wouldn't be alone, not to judge that part of me, but anyway, what do you guys think??? I admit that I think she has a right to know??????? and why should she struggle through her life blindly???? But maybe that is wrong. How can it be who knows whatev I'm sorry I am ram bling oin and an. Goodnight and goodmoring everyone.
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P.S. That was me Bloopsy above.
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I didn't know how much trouble my sister was having.
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I have done things I am not proud of and I did them all.
My therapist says that it is good for her to have her own time and process because the selfish part of me wanted to tell her so i wouldn't be alone, not to judge that part of me, but anyway, what do you guys think??? I admit that I think she has a right to know???????
Hiya Bloopsy, it is good to hear from you. I think you are a very caring, very thoughtful person. And you are exactly right in saying that whether we mean to do a particular thing or not, we are still responsible for the consequences - unless we are children. Children get special treatment, and are not to blame. Not ever!!! We can request that they behave differently sometimes, but we should never blame them or call them bad names. Children are always a blessing.
We have all done things that we are not proud of. But that does not make us bad people; it makes us good people, because we can admit that we are human, and we can have empathy with other people who make mistakes. We can say, that's ok, we all do it.
As for your sister, I would say, it is safe to tell her whatever you feel you need to tell her. She will only hear what she is able to hear anyway, so if it is too much, the words won't go in. Strange but true. The main thing you do for her is to be there, and to offer love and support.
I hope today is easier for you. I agree with everyone else. Baby steps. :)
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"We have all done things that we are not proud of. But that does not make us bad people; it makes us good people, because we can admit that we are human, and we can have empathy with other people who make mistakes. We can say, that's ok, we all do it."
when I read this I felt my own blood begin to flow around again. For the first time in a while I feel like I can be more human rather than less human because of my mistakes . It is like in AA when people share about promising themselves they will not drink that day and then heading to the shower with their bottle and we all laugh and nod and we are all together then...
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Hi Bloopsy/Shadow, glad to hear that you are feeling better! What October said is absolutely true, we all make mistakes, but this makes us good people. The only people who feel that they never make mistakes are N's, and we all know that they make more mistakes than anyone else! Having said all this, I'm not sure that you made a mistake. You felt that you had a reason to fire your sponsor, and from what I've read about her I think you might have done the right thing. Maybe now you feel afraid for trusting your feelings and start punishing/second-guessing/devaluing your own decision? After all, in a situation like this there really is no "right" or "wrong", there is only what you feel comfortable with! You are in AA to take care of yourself, and only you can determine the "right" way to do this.
As for your sister; I don't know much about the theories of therapy, but I do know that if it was me, I would like to know. Maybe you could ask her if she has any idea why she feels so bad? And tell her about your experiences, and then maybe she will reach her own memories through yours? Just a suggestion, do what you feel is best. And take care of yourself, you are a wonderful, warm, open person who deserves care and love!
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Maybe now you feel afraid for trusting your feelings and start punishing/second-guessing/devaluing your own decision? After all, in a situation like this there really is no "right" or "wrong", there is only what you feel comfortable with! You are in AA to take care of yourself, and only you can determine the "right" way to do this.
This is very true. Recently my cousin was wondering what university to go to; she had a couple to choose from, and was finding it hard to make a decision. She comes from a very perfectionist household; huge pressure on her to be perfect all the time. Hence the inability to choose for herself. She was worried that she might make the wrong decision.
I told her that it was not possible for her to make the wrong decision, because it was her decision, and therefore her choice. The only wrong decision would be one made for other people; such as her mum or dad. If she chose and found later that she had changed her mind, that did not make the original decision wrong. It would mean only that the situation or her own thoughts had changed. So then she could transfer to another place, or another course; no big deal. Nobody dead. It happens all the time.
So she made her choice, and 2 years later is very happy.
I think this is something that is hard for us. To make a decision based on what we want or need. Very difficult. Easy to work out what other people want, impossible to define what we want, and then choose to follow that path.
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" Easy to work out what other people want, impossible to define what we want, and then choose to follow that path.[/quote]"
It's so hard to do that it's true. For me I feel like I have to check with people to see if it's okay!!!!!
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That gets scary when the person I am with is saying no no no you can't or you can't leave. I felt like I had met the voices in my head and they were icky and I was paralysed when I was with that ED. my way of coping is pretending I am not here. That didn't work. Opps. That's okay. I hope that I can be strong enough to live from my heart. It is a quiet heart. The voices in my head(Ivan, mommy, now Eddie, all the crap) are very loud. Anyway I admit athat I am reading a lot of things about emotional orphans and that sounds familiar and true things to me. Why would I lie and say that I ddon't feel that way????? What? I know I must be protecting myself somehow. Whatev. The truth hurts???? I can't take anymore for now. Why shovel it up at once??? I need to come back to my body slowly!!!!!!!!! Love, Bloopsy
P.S. I am going to an SSurvivors of Incest Support 12 step program today. I will think of you guys on the way and keep my Heart strong. Also the dentist. Hi
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It's so hard to do that it's true. For me I feel like I have to check with people to see if it's okay!!!!!
Why not check with us? I for one say it is fine for you to decide for yourself. More than fine. Very healthy indeed. :)
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Okay can I ask you guys a question??? There is a man in AA who offered to be my sponsor. He has shown himself to be very kind and generous and understandin in the little time that I have known him. He has said a few off color things but most of the time is very kind and helpful. I like him a lot and I feel happier when he is in my life and sad now that I feel like I have to not see him anymore. I felt like he could really help me and I felt hopeful for the first time in many years. Also I had a dream that I was wandering around the city like I do and he was trying to help me but I did not listen and instead went in the other direction and started feeding myself garbadge. Everyone I have talked to about this says that it is not good to have a male sponsor and that it is bad. But I feel l9ike I am cutting off from my heart by agreeing with them and becoming a cold automaton. I want Smitty to be my sponsor. Is that ok do you think???
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Bloopsy:
Do you realize how much you are beating yourself up for something you had no control over? You were a child when all this happened. As far as your sister is concerned, if she asks leading questions and you can gentlely lead her to some conclusions, she might be better off. I am not sure you might want to continue to discuss this with your therapist.
If we put all the people in the world in a room that had regrets on what they have done in their life, well the whole world would be there. I have done things that on reflection were seriously counterproductive. Yes, I do regret them, but the flip side of the coin is that I LEARNED from those mistakes. Beckham did not make all the goals all of the time, he missed some soccer goals. I am sure he regretted missing those goals but he still practiced until he got it right. I think life is a lot like that. Even thought we had n realtionships, born in an N family, does not make us bad people. What we can do is sit down and look at what is happened and learn from that. It is the only way we can process what has happened to any of us and move on to the next emotional level. Much love to you Bloopsie, Patz ( hope the dentist appt went ok)
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Bloopsie:
Just read your other question about the male sponser. I think you are looking for any attachment to fill that hole in your heart. As a mother, I would want you to have a mature, female sponsor to get the guidance, and nuturing that you need. I know because as a child I did not the care, and nuturing I needed. As a result I made "friends" that I was constantly doing things for with no reciprocity. Made attachments with N men that had no reciprocity. It occurred to me I was making all these attachments because I was trying to get someone to "love" me back. If I just did all these things for other people they would love me. Little did I know that is YOU as a whole person (warts and all) that people want, love and accept. It took me a long time to figure that out.
What harm would it do you to really put your thoughts down for us to see? No matter how bad YOU think they are? Do you really think we would tell you not to post here anymore more because you are such a vile creature? I don' think so. This is not a place for N's. This is a place of acceptance. I am telling you right now we accept you here warts and all. Tell us what you will and there is no abandonment. Only you telling us what is in your heart so you can move forward. Much love to you Bloopsie, Patz
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Well he said he would take me to Coney Island for my birthday and he gave me a sandwich and we were going to do our art together. He said that I was a person and a part of the universe. When we went to a movie and I had to leave because I was too anxious he was okay with that and we had a good time anyway. He makes me laugh and think of things in a different way where usually I laugh forced kind of way and feel like I have to force myself to think in a different way. But I am suspicious of him because he said he wanted to give me a foot massage and be my "husband" after ED and now it is after Ed. I sort of don't believe that he would go to all this trouble to use me for sex, ie calling me and going to meetings with me and sharing about his past and being so patient and kind when I flip my lid. But I admit that I am getting a sinking feeling about it. He did lie to this other woman very easily one time when she asked him where he was going his mind works so quickly and he was in prison for a while where I betcha he learned to be pretty swift, not to put down anyone who goes to prison and I have been there myself(what a ripoff!) but there is something about these charming men who have been to prison that hides something else and I have known a few and been beguiled by them all. But I asked him if he was trying to get with mw and he said no he was my friend. I think I want him to save my life and give me the love I never got you are right. These are my thoughts and then the voices saying you are not alloewd to get away, you are just being dramatic and can't handle a friendship with anyone because you are so selfish and badand an idiot who can't even remember her own name and you will only dissociate you have nothing to offer you are a criminal at heart and everyone can tell so why try you idiot and on and on with those thoughts.
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that was me ablove. Not to mention my thoughts say that I am just narsissistic and a creep. Ick.
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Bloopsy,
The man who offers to be your sponsor is not qualified for that job. I know you long for him to be a good guy and take care of you, but he can't and won't. You will be hurt. This is not a slam on him or you, it's just a reality check. Please call your therapist and tell them about wanting this guy to sponsor you.
thanks :) ,
bunny
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Bloopsy, I'm sorry to hear that you are in such pain. Your posts do a good job of letting us see that with you. Keep it up. I'm glad that you have the ability to protect yourself by dissociating. I realize that it must be difficult to be dissociated and feel out of control when it happens. You are doing a great job of telling us when it happens. All those voices that say nasty things to you are NOT you. All the things you have ever done and will ever do are NOT you. You are the little girl who's boundaries were violated and confused, before she even knew anything about boundaries. The rest of the stuff is NOT you. Love and peace little sister.
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bunny you are right I nthi nk. I can't trust my heart on this I have to go the straight way even though I don't want to and want to be swept up up and away to the clouds by him .
Bloopsy
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Longtire that makes me feel tears and relif love to you too I don't know what peace is yet to send it but that is something I will carry in my pocket.