Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Brigid on March 23, 2005, 11:46:27 AM
-
As I get ready to leave on vacation with my daughter for 10 days and will be out of touch with all of you, I wanted to share this piece (author unknown) that I found in a drawer this morning to let you know that I will be thinking of you in my absence.
Maybe
Maybe . . . God wanted us to meet the wrong people before
meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet
the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
Maybe . . . when the door of happiness closes, another opens;
but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't
even see the new one which has been opened for us.
Maybe . . . it is true that we don't know what we have got until
we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have
been missing until it arrives.
Maybe . . . the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best
of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes
along their way.
Maybe . . . the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten
past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of
your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.
Maybe . . . you should dream what you want to dream; go where you
want to go; be what you want to be, because you only have one life
and one chance to do all the things you dream of and want to do.
Maybe . . . there are moments in life when you miss someone--a parent,
a spouse, a friend, a child--so much that you just want to pick them
from your dreams and hug them for real.
Maybe . . . the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch
and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it
was the best conversation you've ever had. We should all have one.
Maybe . . . you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes.
If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the
other person, too.
Maybe . . . you should do something nice for someone every single
day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.
Maybe . . . giving someone all your love is never an assurance that
they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it
to grow in their heart; but if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.
Maybe . . . happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt,
all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only
they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched
their lives.
Maybe . . . you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for
wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile,
because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find
the one that makes your heart smile.
Maybe . . . you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human,
and enough hope to make you happy.
And the last maybe . . . when you were born, you were crying and
everyone around you was smiling.
Maybe . . . you should try to live your life so that when you die,
you are the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
Brigid
-
Thanks Brigid. I really enjoyed reading your post. Thanks for thinking of us and sharing.
Have a great vacation!! Safe travels.
Mia
-
Wow Brigid!!
The things found in drawrs!!! :D
That is really a wonderful list of maybes.
Thankyou so much for taking the time to post it.
Enjoy your vacation!! May you have nothing but moments to treasure and wonderful memories to bring home!
GFN
-
Hi Brigid,
I really liked that last maybe. Makes me pity the Ns. Their funerals are usually the opposite.
Hope you have a wonderful time. I trust Phillip got your travel plans squared away? :wink: Sorry, being a wise guy again.
Enjoy your vacation and know you'll be missed, wise sis. :D
mudpup
-
Muddypuppy,
I trust Phillip got your travel plans squared away?
Somebody must have because quite miraculously as of yesterday morning we ended up getting a unit at the place I had wanted to be from the beginning, when someone cancelled at the last minute. Mine is not to question why . . .
Thanks all for the good wishes. I'm sure we'll have a wonderful time. A blessed holiday to all of you believers for whatever you believe in.
B.
-
Hey Brigid,
Great post. Really gets you.
Have a great vacation,
2cents
-
Brigid
I ended up copying and pasting your post and emailed it to some family and friends.
Thanks again.
:) :) mia
-
Dear Brigid,
I hope that you and your daughter have a fantastic time!
I don't want to hijack the thread but the title of that very helpful piece of writing reminded me of the power of the little word 'maybe.'
I read sometime ago that to have a 'maybe' attitude to the future is very useful because it releases us from attachment to an outcome which we are over-dependent on.If we are not so attached to a particular outcome, we will not set ourselves up for so much possible disappointment or hurt if it doesn't transpire. To give a very trivial example: If I have a plan for the weekend, and I desperately want fine weather and can't tolerate the thought of it being any other way, I will be setting myself up for a let-down.(And what the weather will actually be like, is totally out of my control.) On the other hand if I say to myself, 'Maybe the sun will shine on Saturday. Or maybe it will rain,' I am releasing myself from the feeling that the sun MUST shine for me to be happy.
Sincerely,
Lara.
-
Lara, I don't want to take away from what you are saying. "maybe" can be a powerful word in the postitive. Unofrtunately, I have had a lot of experience in my life with "maybe" as a powerful negative. Maybe if I change enough my wife will treat me better. Maybe this time she means it. Myabe something will happen some day and I will be happy.
I think that "maybe" is only valuable in that it leads to positive action or taking a chance. Sorry if this is a downer. I lived in "maybe" for many years without knowing what to do about it. It is only when I started doing something that "maybe" turned positive again in my life.
-
Thanks, Brigid. Loved the peice! Longtire: you are absolutely right: everything will be be awful if you choose that as a perspective. Your maybe was used to attach to an expectation.
And Lara: you are absolutely right: "maybe", used as a detacher (maybe it will and maybe it won't) really does help!!! Your maybe was used to detach from an expectation.
"Let go. Attachment equals suffering". This is what this phrase is all about.
this is my take on both these ways of thinking.
Maybe today will bring some exciting and wonderful things, whatever they may be, rain, shine...whatever....I don't have to worry about it....I don't ever have control anyway, so I might as well find joy in my day!!! :D
Maybe today I will expect wonderful things and they won't happen and I will be dissapointed as I was in the past. I can't control anything really, but I hate that I can't and will still try anyway... In other words: maybe today bad things will happen to me! :cry:
Not to sound pollyanna ish,......I certainly have my "bad days" but they pretty much fall into one or the above scenarios in my mind....IN MY MIND!
Even when I am unhappy.......it's my choice!!! Always my choice.
In my mind....I am very powerful.....I am not a victim of my own thinking....unless I want to be.
-
Lara, I don't want to take away from what you are saying. "maybe" can be a powerful word in the postitive. Unofrtunately, I have had a lot of experience in my life with "maybe" as a powerful negative. Maybe if I change enough my wife will treat me better. Maybe this time she means it. Myabe something will happen some day and I will be happy.
I think that "maybe" is only valuable in that it leads to positive action or taking a chance. Sorry if this is a downer. I lived in "maybe" for many years without knowing what to do about it. It is only when I started doing something that "maybe" turned positive again in my life.
IMHO the situations that you described set you up for a no win situation longtire. You can not control someone elses actions, you can only control your response to them. If you would have changed to try to please your wife, she would find something else to *itch about in regards to you. If she said something and meant it, it would only be to benefit her at that very split second. The first chance she had to recant, she would grab it.
My biggest "maybe" for my Xnarci......maybe one day he will think for a split second of others before he thinks of himself. Then and only then will he realize what it is to love and be loved. That is something that I could not wait around for.
Unconditional love is wonderful when it is a 2-way street. When somenone takes advantage of that gift, it is best to love yourself more then you love them and just move on without them.
-
Lara, I don't want to take away from what you are saying. "maybe" can be a powerful word in the postitive. Unofrtunately, I have had a lot of experience in my life with "maybe" as a powerful negative. Maybe if I change enough my wife will treat me better. Maybe this time she means it. Myabe something will happen some day and I will be happy.
I think that "maybe" is only valuable in that it leads to positive action or taking a chance. Sorry if this is a downer. I lived in "maybe" for many years without knowing what to do about it. It is only when I started doing something that "maybe" turned positive again in my life.
IMHO the situations that you described set you up for a no win situation longtire. You can not control someone elses actions, you can only control your response to them. If you would have changed to try to please your wife, she would find something else to *itch about in regards to you. If she said something and meant it, it would only be to benefit her at that very split second. The first chance she had to recant, she would grab it.
Hi Jaded! Yes, this is EXACTLY what happened. I used to look at myself with "maybe one day I'll know how to have a good, mutual relationship." That day is here for me. Still plenty to learn and grow, but I know a lot of what NOT to do. :) I extended my "maybe" to my wife and said that "maybe she will start to see me as a fellow human being." I still hold out the hope that "maybe" one day that will be true. The difference is that I am not basing my life on that hope anymore. I'm living with what is today while hoping that things may be better tomorrow. If they are, I will adjust. If not, I'm no worse off than I am today.
-
I am happy to hear that you realize that it wasn't you that created your wifes issues longtire. Nothing that you could have done or said would have or could have improved the way she treated you.
I used to beat myself alot during my relationship with Narci. One day it occurred to me that I was losing bits and pieces of myself with each harsh word he said, each shove or punch he dished out, and with each and every bizzare thing he did during our relationship.
I used to have my list of maybe's with him as well. My last straw came when I tried to leave him (one of many attempts). He began to throw my stuff out and he began to break stuff. I was out in the garage cleaning up the mess off of my car when he came at me again. Do you know that split second that you have before you do something where you actually think about what youd like to do but you know that you shouldnt do it.......well I didnt have that second of thought at that moment. He shoved me and told me that he should bash my Fnnn head in. I took that broom and I hit him in the head with it. I threw the broom down and gave him a very very very nice right hook on the other side of his face.
Long story short...........he called 911.....he needed 10 stitches........I realized then that MAYBE I would kill him if things kept up. MAYBE I had silently had enough of the dysfunction and I should leave while I still had some of my sanity left.
-
Jaded,
I couldn't even effect my wife's behavior, let alone cause it! :)
What woke me up to the parts of me that I had lost was one day I realized I had lost my integrity and was acting just like her. I started screaming and swearing at her, whether she "did anything" or not. That scared the crap out of me. I was out of control and didn't recognize myself anymore. I didn't like myself, being that way. I told myself that I HAD to do something to change the situation because I did NOT want to live that way. Not fun. :(
I think it is telling that when the codependent "victim" in a relationship responds by acting like the victimizer, the usual victimizer rarely seems to leave. Is that what they really wanted all along? To push you to the point where you became like them and they can point the finger at you and say, see I told you it was his/her fault after all? Wouldn't a "normal" person just leave the situation without feeling like they need to finger point? Do "normal" people exist in this sense?
-
I think it is telling that when the codependent "victim" in a relationship responds by acting like the victimizer, the usual victimizer rarely seems to leave. Is that what they really wanted all along? To push you to the point where you became like them and they can point the finger at you and say, see I told you it was his/her fault after all? Wouldn't a "normal" person just leave the situation without feeling like they need to finger point? Do "normal" people exist in this sense?
The usual victimizer has a fairly high tolerance for expressions of anger, rage, hostility, aggression. So they aren't motivated to leave because they can deal with it. They might even feel relieved that the other person is finally a foe to match their steel. And yes, they do provoke another person in order to say, "HA! I knew it!"
bunny
-
Longtire,
I came to a very important conclusion recently. I would rather be alone then to have someone by my side that makes me feel alone. I had to read your posts to answer a couple of questions I had. Did I read right that you are still married to your wife? But then again I didn't sleep at all last night so I probly missed some important details....eeek sorry I had to ask that.
I was just wondering how it would be to be a man in this situation. I know as a woman how it feels to be belittled, ignored, emotionally drained, etc......... It had to be part of the reason why you felt like your maybe's were doomed from the get go.
who would a thunk that someone could suck the life out of ya so easily? I sure in the world would have placed my bet on me not sticking around for much of that dysfunction. I guess when you love someone you can only hope that your prayers and dreams are answered. You hope the person snaps out of it and you live happily ever after. It just doesnt seem that there are enough prayers and sweet dreams to help these people out of their pits of hell..........its very sad actually if you think about the termoil they must endure inside.
-
longtire,
having read a lot of your story, it doesn't seem that you became "just like" your wife. Sounds more like you just got tired. But you recognised the behaviour and were unhappy with yourself because of it and you wanted to change it. IMO the usual victimiser either feels better cause they got you to do what they usually do, so the roles are "switched" so to speak or feels "good" cause they got a "response" from you.
take care,
2cents
-
Longtire,
I came to a very important conclusion recently. I would rather be alone then to have someone by my side that makes me feel alone. I had to read your posts to answer a couple of questions I had. Did I read right that you are still married to your wife? But then again I didn't sleep at all last night so I probly missed some important details....eeek sorry I had to ask that.
Still married, tried leaving several times, but got panic attacks each time and my mood went back and forth. I stopped trying to leave for a little bit so I could get my footing. I'm getting ready for the next and final try very soon. Like you, I would also rather be alone by myself than alone-and-stuck with someone who is not willing to work on it.
I was just wondering how it would be to be a man in this situation. I know as a woman how it feels to be belittled, ignored, emotionally drained, etc......... It had to be part of the reason why you felt like your maybe's were doomed from the get go.
For me it feels confusing, confounding, aggravating, staggering, frustrating, hopeless, lonely, sad, depressing, draining, bewildering, and never-ending.
who would a thunk that someone could suck the life out of ya so easily? I sure in the world would have placed my bet on me not sticking around for much of that dysfunction. I guess when you love someone you can only hope that your prayers and dreams are answered. You hope the person snaps out of it and you live happily ever after. It just doesnt seem that there are enough prayers and sweet dreams to help these people out of their pits of hell..........its very sad actually if you think about the termoil they must endure inside.
I sure didn't make it easy for her. :twisted: Hope is great when its based on reality. A lot of mine was based on my wishes. I'm still working on that one and looking at "what is right now" separate from what I wish for. One thing that helped me break this cycle is realizing that she makes herself way more miserable than she's ever made me! :shock: :( :x