Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lovelylilac on March 23, 2005, 09:24:08 PM
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Hello everyone! I'm new to this forum. Many of the postings I've read so far have been very encouraging and enlightening to me. Thank you!
I would like to share something that has been a constant struggle for me ever since I was a child. Over the years, especaially, in my adult years, I realize that a constant stumbling block for me is not knowing how to accept myself completely for who I am, not for what I should be. I came across a quote the other day that spoke volumes to me: "Acceptance of ourselves is serenity. And a serene spirit is the source of all strength".
From reading that quote, I totally agree that self aceptance is the key to having peace with oneself. Without peace there is internal turmoil and conflict. For a long time, I desire to improve myself or better myself, etc. I now realized that to have that train of thought is to subconsciously believe that there is something wrong with me and I must do something about it. Like there's a wart on me that I can't seem to get rid of. Perhaps, that mentality was the very thing that prevents me from growing as an individual or from growing stronger as a person. For I never did and still haven't completely accepted myself, including my shortcomings and all.
Isn't it true that if a person doesn't accept oneself completely, then that person cannot accept others full, either?
I feel like I know what I need to do to be at peace with myself and to be happy, but I don't know how to facilitate it or have the inner strength to do so. Like I can see the pieces of the puzzle, but don't know how to make them all fit together. I feel so frustrated, confused, and defeated. My life is stuck in second gear because I don't know how to accept myself completely.
Does anyone have similiar struggles? If so, how did you get past the hurdle and what's your secret to success? Thanks for any thoughts and/or helpful tips.
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Isn't it true that if a person doesn't accept oneself completely, then that person cannot accept others full, either?
Hello Lovelylilac,
I don't know about accepting myself completely. That's a pretty tall order. There's no way I'm going to accept myself 100%. It won't happen. But there is a lot of middle ground between beating myself up and being 100% self-accepting. So I'm in the middle ground. I like myself well enough to withstand the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
bunny
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Welcome Lovelylilac,
I have been working to accept myself very recently and made big steps. Still, I don't know whether I'll every reach 100%. Right now where I'm at is good enough. Speaking as a reforming perfectionist, that means a lot! I differentiate between accepting and loving myself as I am and still seeing areas where I can grow. That's quite different than feeling like I have to change to be OK. I'd like to claim that I've felt that way for years, but actually, its only been a couple of days. :) I look forward to getting to know you better.
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Welcome LovelyLilac,
I think self-acceptance is certainly something to strive for, but I doubt if many attain it fully. But I think you can feel peace without total self-acceptance. If you can come to terms with what in your life is within your control and accept that, you're on the road to inner peace IMO. I have recently determined that I must be happy with I have rather than unhappy about what I don't have. I have stopped looking at what I lost and have start seeing the possibilities in what I have gained.
I think the peace comes from accepting life and living it the best you can. You can always strive to be a better person and to love yourself more, but I don't think we should ever reach that pinnacle, but keep pushing the goal further out in front.
All the best to you.
Brigid
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Welcome :D
I feel like I know what I need to do to be at peace with myself and to be happy
Acceptance might be accepting that right now isn’t the time for you to be at peace and happy.
You might want to accept that right now being confused and frustrated is exactly where you belong! :D But you don’t sound 'defeated', otherwise you wouldn’t be here right?
Perfection doesn’t apply to being healthy. Perfection doesn’t really exist I think. Imperfection is part of acceptance maybe. Striving for perfection in anything is unhealthy imo.
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Hi,
A quote I heard recently was about accepting ourselves as well as accepting what life has to offer us even if it doesnt fit our agenda at the time or is painful. In other words, accepting that we can not control life and also trying not to run from the pain but feel it when it comes.
Sor tof appreciate life in all its colors, circumstances and emotions. I think for me for many years it was about avoiding the pain and controlling the situation. It really is a lot more freeing to give up control and feel the pain so you can move on to the joy. A tough lesson to learn for me but one with many rewards if I chose to experience it.
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Welcome Lovelylilac:
For I never did and still haven't completely accepted myself, including my shortcomings and all.
Maybe the hardest thing to accept is that we do have shortcomings, that we are human, that we will never be perfect?
Do you see others as having less shortcomings (that they are somehow more perfect or ahead or you in this area)?
My life is stuck in second gear because I don't know how to accept myself completely.
What if you start small? What if you work on accepting one thing about yourself that you wish were different? Or.....plan on how to improve in that area....so you will be happier about yourself, more acceptable in that area?
I think expecting 100% of ourselves, about ourselves is unrealistic. We are imperfect and not able to achieve total perfection and therefore something about us will always be unacceptable.
Neither is total serenity possible. Life is about ups and downs, good things happening and bad things happening. Nothing stays the same and nothing is guaranteed. Maybe the highest level of serenity possible is that which is flexible?
Afterall, because each day is different and because our feelings vary....we will be affected differently by disturbances. No one can stay calm and unruffled alllllll of the time, right? I don't think that's possible.
Have a Happy Easter Everyone!
GFN
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Welcome Lovelylilac,
How do you define acceptance?
If you define it as being satisfied and happy with every aspect of yourself then forget it; I doubt if anyone has ever achieved that.
If you define it as acknowledging you are what you are at this present time, but maybe you could still use a little work; and you have done what you've done in the past and the past can't be changed, then maybe that can be achieved.
I haven't but perhaps someone else has.
Popeye always said "I yam what I yam" so maybe he should be our role model. :roll: Pass the spinach. :wink:
Very pretty handle incidentally.
mudpuppy
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First off: Mudpup, can't believe you quoted Popeye!! That line has been my mantra for years.....especially to people who question my individuality!
(and just so you know, Mud, that would be everyone....you'd be surprised, I don't fit into any catagory)
I'm not a tatoo fan, but if I was......that line would be on my forehead!!!!
It's the ultimate self acceptance line. Go Popeye! (although he really must stop Bluto from pushing his buttons! Get over it Popeye! Move on. and by the way: Olive is fickle!)
Lovelylilac! Welcome. Your post was right there for me. Right there.
Yes, we must learn to accept ourselves. It is, however, not a goal, but a journey. We never get "there" in any spiritual goal....thank God (or whoever :oops: )
You might enjoy the writings of Pema Chodron (no, I am not a paid endorser!). She has such a humorous and gentle way of expressing such a journey. I find comfort in her writing almost more than a host of others: (who I also love: Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Ann Ford, The Dali Lama, Norman Vincent Peale, and on and on). Something about her down to earth style I think, and that it is this very topic (self acceptance, compassion) that she hits on all the time.
I don't believe perfection or 100% acceptance is what you were talking about anyway. But "being stuck" I get. Pain gets us stuck. Pain is what has this planet stuck....or I should say, not knowing what to do with pain, not recognizing what it is all about and how to process it has us stuck.
Stuck for me is when I focus on the "nots"; not knowing, not believing, not trusting, not detaching, not not not.... name it.... or all the things I am "negative about" or want to go away about my life. All things painful, actually.
I am unstuck/free when I let the negativity all go. Why? because I get to choose my thoughts and feelings...I am in control of those...and usually I am NOT in control of the things I obsess about, the past, the future, etc.
I am free when I focus on the "cans, the yes', the absolutely's and exactly's: the joy of RIGHT NOW.....and all the things I am pretty positive about or want to have in my life (or already do!!).
The fact that you are thinking about these things puts you squarely on the map, I think, of an "awakened" spiritual traveler!!!! Welcome. We're all in this together.
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Welcome lovelylilac! (Love the name, lilacs are one of my favourite flowers, that scent!)
Maybe true perfection lies in being imperfect, in still growing and improving? If we can find acceptance of ourselves in this idea, we are perfect not despite of but because of our flaws? After all, "complete" perfection is stale, boring and quite Nish.
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Thank you everyone who replied to my posting!!! You made a lot of good points about the idea of complete self-acceptance. They are very much appreciated by me. After I read the responses to my topic, I realized that I was being too general in what I wrote, and I'm afraid I didn't convey my point very well. I apologize for that. Well, it's my first attempt at this. I didn't do all too bad, right? :roll: I totally agree that it is humanly impossible to reach a point of complete self-acceptance, for we are imperfect.
I would like to share something in my next posting that I think will be more indicative of what goes on in my mind.
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LL,
I didn't do all too bad, right?
You did great. I think we all got the point of your post. It is something anyone involved with an N is forced to consider.
I'm looking forward to your next post.
Sleepy, I used to look forward to every spring to smell the lilacs. :D
mudpup
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I think my struggle on self-acceptance can be summed up by this: I'm still at the point of not knowing how to accept my enough to reach the level of having inner serenity, inner peace, and being happy with who I am with my shortcomings and all.
Thanks for listening! :D
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LL, I wonder who you compare yourself to?
Do you have some idea of what inner serenity, inner peace, and being happy with who you are is like? What does that look like to you?
I wonder if you, and many of us, strive for something because we think we should do, because we think other people are happier, more serene, more peaceful than we are.
It's like always having to meet someone else's standard. Take away the comparisons and we might just be happy?
If we look at the opposite of what you think you don't have: do you think you have inner turmoil, inner war and that you are unhappy with you are?
Sometimes I look at women's magazines and at pictures of models in fashion clothes. I could feel very 'inferior' just looking at the pictures. Instead I get rid of the magazine and voila! - no problems. :D
take care, portia
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Portia,
Thank you for your reply. Those are very thought provoking questions for me to ask myself. I feel for me the level of self acceptance that would give me inner serenity is when I feel proud of who I am for who I am. And have enough confidence in myself to be confortable with who I am in a room full of confident, assertive, and self-assured ppl. I still feel a deep level of uneasiness when I'm around ppl whom I perceive as very confident and sure of themselves. I just feel I don't measure up to them. When I think that way, I start to feel like I'm not on the same level as them. And I start to feel inferior to them in inner strength. I guess, i feel that way b/c those are the qualities I wish I have. When I come across ppl who display those qualities, they remind me of what I lack. When I start to think this way, I lose focus of the big picture and of reality. The truth of the matter is, they are not better than me and I'm not worse off than them. They are as imperfect as I am. But when I'm in the situation, the force of not measuring up just takes over my thinking, my self-perception, and even my emotions. I don't know how to override this unnecessary thinking process in the heat of the moment. This is my predicament. I still haven't been able to look pass the intimidating monstrous shadow of something very harmless. :roll: How crazy is that???I think the first thing i see, and my mind gets fixated on, is the image I project of ppl and not the source of the image. What am I not getting??? This has a lot to do with the way I was brought up, I think. As I was growing up, my mother was emotionally intimidating and manipulative. She's good at making me feel guilty b/c I felt like I was the one at fault. That was her way of being in control of the situation, by making me feel little with my feelings and dignity, etc. That was her way of feeling superior. Of course, I got sucked into her emotional manipulation. The sad thing was, I don't think she was being intentionally conniving, she was just being her strong-willed self. She was afraid to lose control, so in turn, she was controlling. I don't blame her for how my self-image is affected by her, but it has a permanent mark on the way I perceive myself in relation to others and in the way I see myself. In my early adult years after I was able to put 2 and 2 together in terms of my mother's manipulative disposition towards me, I became very resentful towards her. Now, I'm able to move pass that resentment.
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Lovelylilac,
You describe the place where your self acceptance problem shows up as when you interact in a group. How do you do one on one?
I have stated many times on this board I have no experience with therapy, but you sound like a person who could be really helped by it. You sound like you know yourself and how you got where you are very well. It sounds like if you had a guide or an ally to show you the skills and methods for dealing with the way you react to people and maybe rooting out the way you reacted to your mom you could make a lot of progress.
You're already half way there. You have a lot more self knowlege than most people. If you had someone who could over time help you transform that self knowledge into self acceptance you could see your life transformed. Its pretty tough to do that on your own.
I can tell you, you sound very articulate and sweet. I know that doesn't help any, but it is true.
I'll pray for you and I hope you have a 'lovely' :wink: Easter.
mudpup
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When I start to think this way, I lose focus of the big picture and of reality. The truth of the matter is, they are not better than me and I'm not worse off than them. They are as imperfect as I am. But when I'm in the situation, the force of not measuring up just takes over my thinking, my self-perception, and even my emotions. I don't know how to override this unnecessary thinking process in the heat of the moment.
Lovelylilac,
I'm wondering whether you have a sort of panic attack. If so, there are ways to help calm yourself. Losing the ability to think is pretty scary and I can see how you may dread this happening. So it might even be a vicious cycle of being scared, losing ability to think clearly, getting even more terrified, panicking, feeling more helpless and bad about yourself, etc. Does this resonate at all...?
bunny
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I'm wondering whether you have a sort of panic attack.
That's what I was thinking. I am usually self confident in every situation right up until I have to speak in front of a large group. Then I lose focus, figure I'm gonna mess up, which causes me to lose more focus and screw up more. That sounds like what you were describing LL, and if that is the way you feel interacting with others I can see why you are upset. It is hard to deal with. For me the solution is easy, I just avoid giving speeches, but its kind of hard to avoid just interacting with people.
mudpup
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Thank you Mudpup and Bunny for those encouraging words. You are right, i could greatly benefit from a therapist. I want so much for my life to be transformed, in the sense of finding myself and being the person I was meant to be. In many ways, I feel like a flower that has not been able to fully bloom b/c this problem i have is holding me back. I know I have potential to be happier and lead a more fulfilling life. But I feel my true self is buried deep within the muddle of self-doubt and lack of self-acceptance. I know it's possible for me to gain them, I just don't know how.
Given my present situation, it's not feasible for me to go to a therapist. If I could find a good therapist that does volunteer work, that would be a heaven sent. I think what's ideal for me at this point in my life is have online counseling with a therapist. But I don't know how that is possible. I know there are therapists who provide online service, but paying for it is out of the question for me. Being a college student, i'm broke :lol: I've never shared so much about my inner feelings as I have on this board. You just don't know how much it means to me to those who respond to my postings! :D You're words of encouragement and insight really go a long way for me!!! Just want you to know, I'm not all about wanting to hear only sweet and positive words. I want to hear hard truth. I appreciate ruthless truth over sugarcoated nice sounding words anyday :wink:
For me, it's not so much being with a group of ppl that cause me to feel tense, it's the thought process I've described that leads me down the path of mental frazzleness. I could be with just one person or 20 ppl and still feel that way. Neither do I get into a panic attack. Cuz I appear quite calm and collected to others. I'm just really quiet and reserved when I start to have that mentality. I also realize how much meaningful conversation I am missing b/c I feel the way I do around ppl. I just feel a deep sense of lost of meaningful relationships with ppl b/c I can't seem to get pass the superficiality, which is caused by my perception.
Happy Easter, Everyone!!!
And thanks for keeping me in your prayers! I believe in the Author of prayers.
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Ll, it sounds like you already have some idea where this comes from for you from your mother. How about as a start, refuse to beat up on yourself. Yeah, I know harder than it sounds. :) Just feel whatever you feel and accept it as how you feel in the moment and say something like "I wonder what perfectly good reason I have to feel that way?" Lilac is my favorite flower (never shared that before this place, it feels like a very intimate secret to me). It makes me angry to think about a Lilac meing mistreated. :x
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Nice to hear from you, Longtire. My name is Kheng. You can address me by my real name or my username. Either way is fine with me...whatever floats your boat will float mine, too.:wink:
Lilacs are very lovely flowers, aren't they. They are my favorite, too. The scent is so sweet, and they are quite lovely to look at :D I don't feel angry or beat myself up over my present circumstance. But then again, if I'm depressed then maybe I am angry? :? Because, depression is anger turned inside out, right? I think I feel a deep sense of lost and disappointment at the way my life has turn out more than anything else. I feel this struggle I have has depleted my life's account of an enriching life I could be having. I just feel so poor of life's richess. Do I sound like I'm pitying myself?
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Hello again LL, the lilacs in my garden are just starting to come into leaf and now I think of your name when I see them. :D
If you're in your 20s now, this can be an odd time for anyone, finding your way in life. Maybe you're older. But however old you are, there's still a lot of life ahead of you to discover those treasures, it's not over yet.
Questions I'd like to ask, do you have one or two close friends you can really talk to? Have you had love relationships and if so, how have they been for you? I wonder how close you are to individual people...maybe you don't allow yourself to get close for fear of being controlled (like your mother did)?
Once you get to understand a little about how other people tick underneath, they're not so scary. And you see through the superficial stuff and find that many people feel just the same as you do. Many people do feel as you do, it's not you alone....(speaking from experience!)
Portia
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Hi LL,
Maybe accepting yourself is just that: accepting your SELF? I know how hard that can be (I'm a long way from doing anthing of the sort :lol: ) That doesn't have to mean tolerating the bad things about yourself IMO, but beginning at a place where you are not perfect, and you don't have to be, but there are good things about you. NOT accepting yourself is also bad, cause it makes you powerless. Accepting that there are things about yourself that you want to change is also part of the package :wink: But lilacs are lovely flowers, and you are lovely too. Don't worry about "missing out" of life's riches. (Don't get me wrong: I'm a paranoid-android, SEVERELY depressed for 7 yrs, depressed for much longer than that) I know how it feels to feel that you are missing out. But don't give up. Find the strength and you will find the way. :wink:
Not sure if that has the remotest bearing on what you were asking!
LOL
2cents
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Sorry LL,
Didn't mean to say "tolerating the bad things" but tolerating the things you don't like about yourself. :oops:
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It's been my experience that sharing my personal struggles with friends have backfired on me. The outcome didn't turn out the way I had hoped. I think b/c when I shared such things, the dynamic of our friendship changed, for they no longer see me the same way as before I shared with them. They see me in a different light. In a sense, I feel they see me as helpless and one needing help. So from those experiences, I learn to keep my vulnerabilities to myself or share them with ppl who would be objective toward me. My friends mean no harm, it's just that it leaves them feeling helpless, uncomfortable, and even awkward. And I think, as a result, they think of me less.
Until I joined this board, I've kept my feelings all to myself. I didn't give my hurts a voice. I even downplayed them. So in many ways, they have been repressed and unacknowledged by me. Now, I realized how important it is to give my feelings a voice and validation.
The statement of everybody being the scared and vulnerable when looked beyond the superficial is a very good point. I know underneath the outer appearance, we are all the same. Imperfection and vulnerability are commonalities we all have as humans. It's just that some ppl have better self-preservation skills than others. One of my problems is that I have tunnel vision when it comes to seeing myself and seeing others. And I struggle with being afraid what others think about me or upsetting them. When I sense ppl have positive thoughts about me, I feel good about myself, i feel validated. But when I sense they have negative feelings or thoughts about me, then I feel aweful and think I did something wrong. Maybe i feel this way, b/c i can't bear being disapproved and rejected by others. When I feel others have negative thoughts about me based on what I say, then I associate that as a form of disapproval and invalidation. Maybe, I try to avoid such strong negative feelings while sabotaging my own self-preservation b/c of the hurt I felt growing up feeling disapproval from my mother when I did something she did not approve of. I'm not sure :? I rather disapprove and reject myself before having others disapprove of me. It should be the opposite, right? :oops: This misdirected need I have prevents me from interacting with ppl beyond the superficial :( And leaves me being shallow with my feelings and thoughts and shallow with the level of communicatio with others. I think it would do me much good if I can do the reverse. This mindset leaves me feeling weak and insecure. Now, it goes without saying that everybody needs to feel approved and validated. I think that's what we all need and want. But how do I go about meeting those needs from me and not others? How do I rechannel or redirect my needs from within and not from without? I think if I can learn how to do this, my life would be transformed, b/c my mind would be liberated from feeling a deep need for approval from others or from my performance.
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Hi Kheng! :)
It's been my experience that sharing my personal struggles with friends have backfired on me. The outcome didn't turn out the way I had hoped. I think b/c when I shared such things, the dynamic of our friendship changed, for they no longer see me the same way as before I shared with them. They see me in a different light. In a sense, I feel they see me as helpless and one needing help. So from those experiences, I learn to keep my vulnerabilities to myself or share them with ppl who would be objective toward me. My friends mean no harm, it's just that it leaves them feeling helpless, uncomfortable, and even awkward. And I think, as a result, they think of me less.
There are only 3 of my friends that I feel comfortable sharing on this level with. In each of those cases, it was a progression from more superficial things to deeper and deeper sharing. Not everyone is able or willing to do this. I respect that and don't push my stuff or try to pull their stuff. I would tell them something small, just a little bit deeper than what they already knew. If they kept talking about it, or shared something of their own, then I kept going, slowly over a period of time. If they didn't really respond then I dropped it and just enjoyed their company.
Until I joined this board, I've kept my feelings all to myself. I didn't give my hurts a voice. I even downplayed them. So in many ways, they have been repressed and unacknowledged by me. Now, I realized how important it is to give my feelings a voice and validation.
Yes, and the pressure to ackowledge and release all of that only gets stronger with time. Let it out with someone (or someones :)) who is safe as soon as you are ready. Tough to do at first, but it gets easier with practice.
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Lovelylilac,
We all need approval and validation from others. Humans are social animals. We can't get all validation just from ourselves. We have a feedback loop of information coming from outside, inside, outside, inside. Realistically, we will receive a certain percentage of negative outside feedback. The reasons are (a) someone is in a bad mood and hates everyone including us; (b) someone is bitter and angry all the time and takes it out on us; (c) someone just looks at us and dislikes us on sight; (d) they just "aren't into us"; (e) many other whimsical reasons. But the bottom line is we won't be liked unanimously. We all need and want approval, but how to manage the times when disapproval and dislike comes our way? Or just a lack of approval?
Again I think a therapist or counselor would really help. Your college doesn't have that resource?
bunny