Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: del'smom on March 30, 2005, 04:36:10 AM
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Hi,
My name is Anna. I've been looking for people to talk to about this for years with little success.
My life feels like the landscape left after the tsunami.... Thats what my mind feels like.. I have complex ptsd from a truly nasty alcoholic 'N' father. He held my head underwater, and many similar things to stop me from using 'my voice'. I was rebellious and he thrived on crushing me. In 39 years (today is my birthday:) I have never submitted, even though hes beaten me physically and mentally and finally resorted to institutinalising me after I ran away from home @ 16.
after getting out of the mental hospital.... i was 'disowned' and put out of the will (my family is very wealthy) and had nothing to do with them for ten years.
I had a very difficult life becuase of everything they put me through, but so happy to be free. Everything healthy about my life had to do with getting as far away from my 'family' as humanly possible... the farther away from them, the healthier i got.
All that was fine until 3 years ago when my 'relatives' did an awful thing. They betrayed me, its a long story, and they stole custody of my 8 year old daughter from me. I know with every cell in my body they are doing it to control and disempower me, (how else could they figure out a way to control my life when I am almost 40 years old) and continue the cycle of abuse..... they think they can make me jump through any hoop they want, by using my daughter as bait.........which is precisely what they do......
its made my hair go grey and gives me repeated nightmares that are absolutely horrifying. i know more yoga and deep breathing and relaxation, and it really only goes so far. I want these people OUT OF OUR LIFE.
if i dont submit and do all kinds of arbitrary humiliating things that make me want to kill myself, in the way they 'approve' then I am not allowed contact and treated like a leper. did i mention im almost 40 years old?
the story would fill a book, but the bottom line is, despite everything I do she remains trapped there.... they listen to all our calls and if i speak in the wrong 'tone', they take the phone away and hang up. they lose our mail and control everything we do. the constand mind games are really getting to my daughter.
she is now 12.......... she tells me that -she- is having nightmares now, every few weeks. she is being bullied in school. she is writing poetry about knives, and broken glass, and a lot of mention of blood and betrayal and secrets and suicide. that is wayyyyyyyyyy out of character. theres so much i want to say to her, but they monitor our interactions so strictly, that i cant talk to her. the first thing they told her when they took her was that im crazy, and the things i say should absolutely not be listened to... a convenient way to disempower my 'voice'.
im in a constant struggle to deal with the fact that these maniacs i want nothing to do with basically control (for no good reason) every thing that is important to me.. and also to do something to help my daughter retain her sense of self, and help both of us assert ourselves. her mental state is really alarming me.
i noticed a 'delphine' here. thtas my girls name. hope to read and learn.
thanks
del'smom
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Hi Anna, well, happy birthday for today and welcome to a place where I hope you’ll feel at home.
I read your post with horror. I’m so so sorry that they have taken your daughter. And I’m worried about your daughter too. I don’t know what to say.
Do you still see her? If so, how does that work – do they accompany her and so on? Please keep posting........best wishes, portia
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Hi Sweetie,
I was knew I was going to reply while reading your post, but when I got to the end and read
i noticed a 'delphine' here. thtas my girls name. hope to read and learn.
That was a WOW! I ALSO have an almost 12 year old daughter and it broke my heart to read that she is having nightmares, etc. You've GOT to get her out of there..
Tell me about your attorney- is s/he forceful, resourceful enough? Are you in a small town or large city (how many lawyers/ resources are available?) Have you talked with women's resource advocates?
And, if I were you, I'd play their game enough to get your baby back, while fighting like mad behind their backs to strengthen your legal position. Just knowing that Mom is fighting for her, even if it means superficially complying in some ways, will give your daughter strength. You have to model for her how to deal with bullies. Sometimes you need to outsmart them, trick them, sometimes you need to get support from others to face them.
You are so smart and brave to not give up on your child or yourself. Keep that spirit!!! She is your natural child and you have legal rights, you just need to find a way to get the legal machine working for you, not them.
Happy birthday, and please give us more details,
Delphine
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Happy Birthday, Anna. You are welcome here. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a hard time. :) I have a couple of questions. What was the basis for your family gaining custody of your daughter? Was there something going on at the time, or was it based on past history? Do you have a good lawyer? Is there anything you can do legally over time to demonstrate that your daughter is safe with you? Can you can get supervised visits with an independent person like a social worker, etc. rather than family?
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Anna: Oh, my heart aches for you. I also have a 12 year old daughter. It's a rough time for them in life. I can't imagine what's it's like for you. My own uncomfortable parenting situation looks like utopia in comparison.
You are brave, and announcing out loud how horrible things are for you (even if it's here) is the first step to healing. I will shout it for you as well!!! I will get behind you and send you whatever power I can.
I know everyone here will too. This energy has power. Call it prayer, call it whatever you want. People can help. All is not lost. There is hope.
Do you have legal aid? If you can contact a mother's rights organization, perhaps you could find a little muscle. This situation must come to light, your family must be exposed. Your power in this happening is within you. A mother's love.
Look forward, and feel how it would be to have your daughter back safe and sound. Spend a few minutes a day at least thinking and feeling that. Why not? When I started this, I was afraid to, for I thought when I "woke up" from that nice day dream I would be dissapointed. And I was, at first, however, I get to choose what I think. I would rather day dream pleasant things. Nothing will ever be created that is positive if you won't even let yourself THINK it first!
I know how those N's work. They are masterful in forcing the "it will never end....you will never be free" mindset on us. But our biggest weapon against them is our own MIND. In your mind, you can think whatever you want. Thoughts are what start EVERYTHING. Look around you, everything you touch began as a thought. That said, believe me, I know how tough it is to "reprogram" our thoughts (count 46 years of it for me, and without your horrible overt abuse, either!!!!). But have faith, Anna. It can be done.
You have already started this process. Keep it going. You can do it. Amazing things happen in life. Your life CAN turn around. You have nothing to lose (it's already been taken) by reclaiming your power. Never underestimate a mother's love. Do you see that you already have a bunch of people sending you love? Love ALWAYS conquers fear. It's like a light in a dark room. The dark cannot win. Keep sending your daughter love and healthy images....believe in this. Believe in yourself.
I do and I don't even know you. Your life is painful, beyond description. It will change. It happens all the time. Why not to you????
Bless you Anna. Bless your daughter as well. Sending you both light and love!!!
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Welcome Anna,
There seem to be lot of people here with twelve year old daughters, me included. There's strength in numbers. :wink:
Your post is well stated, level headed and sensible. All I hear in your post is the anguish of a mother having a bunch of demons steal her child. But its kind of hard to know what your circumstances are as far as how they took her. If you are comfortable sharing the long story you will receive nothing but support here. If you're not comfortable, that's OK too.
Do you have legal help?
If not, have you contacted Legal Aid, the Legal Services Corporation or the local bar association? The local bar association usually has a list of lawyers who will help for free, if you are not in a position to pay. Maybe a local women's shelter could direct you to an attorney?
Did they put you through a psychological evaluation to steal her?
If so can you be reeavaluated?
Are you in therapy?
If so, is it helping?
Have you documented the things they do, to you and her? Things like 'losing' your mail or the arbitrary humiliating things they make you do.
Do you have any allies or friends there to support you?
You sound very intelligent. Do you have a plan on how to regain your daughter? Or have you been paralyzed by the turmoil?
I know its not easy opening up with this kind of stuff, but if you can give more info there are a lot of people here who could direct you to the right area for help. If what you have shared is all you can, that is OK.
In 39 years (today is my birthday:) I have never submitted, even though hes beaten me physically and mentally and finally resorted to institutinalising me after I ran away from home @ 16
You should be very proud of never submitting to him. That shows how strong you are. A mother who loves her daughter can do just about anything to protect her little girl.
It may not mean anything to you, I don't know, but I am going to pray very hard for you and your daughter. And I am going to pray against the evil people who are hurting you both. :cry:
mudpuppy
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Hi Sweetie,
I was knew I was going to reply while reading your post, but when I got to the end and read
i noticed a 'delphine' here. thtas my girls name. hope to read and learn.
That was a WOW! I ALSO have an almost 12 year old daughter and it broke my heart to read that she is having nightmares, etc. You've GOT to get her out of there..
Thank you so much. yes - there arent many 'Delphines' around ;} so nice to meet you! Yes Im concerned for the nightmares. that isnt 'normal'. the funniest thing is my father is so deluded, he wil actually write to me telling me she is 'doing well socially'. like.. weekly nightmares, bullying, and poems about broken glass and knives is 'doing well socially'?? hullo?
Tell me about your attorney- is s/he forceful, resourceful enough? Are you in a small town or large city (how many lawyers/ resources are available?) Have you talked with women's resource advocates?
no, no, and yes :}. i will write a different post about it since people asked about the legal aspects.
And, if I were you, I'd play their game enough to get your baby back, while fighting like mad behind their backs to strengthen your legal position.
thanks for the b-day wishes. :} i totally agree with what you just said. this is exactly how ive been playing it. i 'lull' them by pretending to comply, while i put together strategy behind the scenes. thats how ive gotten all the rights i have right now. i pretend to do what they want, to get what i want. but its very stressful, im a bad liar, and its real confusing for D. since our relatoinship, and my idea of 'love' is based on honesty and open communication, having to constantly 'lie' in effect, =especially= to my kid, makes me feel =very= sick inside.
also they are such powerful brainwashers, they have tried real hard to convince her 'if i loved her' i would -stop- fighting, becuase im jst 'being selfish' and 'stubborn' becase 'if i loved her' i would let them have their way. they make it soooo excruciating for us to have the slightest contact, becuase they are hoping to make it so unpleasant that we dont even want to be together anymore. to some degree, its working. only they could make something so fantastic, (our relationship) into something thats literally 100% a drag. shes under constant pressure from them to look down on me, devalue me, basically treat me the way they do, in order to 'be accepted' by them... if she doesnt treat me like dirt, -she- is treated like dirt. its ALL pressure and control. but inside, i know she wants me to stand up for us.
what really hurts is to see her get more hopeless every year. she starts excusing them, denying herself. its just becuase she needs to survive there.. but, i know the damage its doing, it makes me crazy. how well they hide what they do, and shift the 'blame' to me...... it makes me crazy.
well..... i will write more.
i need very much to talk with people who understand these kind of people. most people in real life DONT. not at all. and it makes me feel =very= isolated. thanks so much again...... i know theres a way to get free. i wont stop working at it.
thanks
del'smom (anna)
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Happy Birthday, Anna. You are welcome here. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a hard time. :) I have a couple of questions. What was the basis for your family gaining custody of your daughter? Was there something going on at the time, or was it based on past history? Do you have a good lawyer? Is there anything you can do legally over time to demonstrate that your daughter is safe with you? Can you can get supervised visits with an independent person like a social worker, etc. rather than family?
hi! thanks for replying. I read some of your story too and you seem like a really caring person. i will write a seperate post on what exactly they 'did' to get her. it wasnt based on anything legal whatsoever.. they just have a lot of money and are ruthless and socially prominenet liars.. it was waht could be called a 'smash and grab'. i will describe it in another post.
thanks so much for writing. it meaans SOOOOOOOO MUCH! thank you!
d's mom (anna)
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Happy Birthday, Anna. You are welcome here. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a hard time. :) I have a couple of questions. What was the basis for your family gaining custody of your daughter? Was there something going on at the time, or was it based on past history? Do you have a good lawyer? Is there anything you can do legally over time to demonstrate that your daughter is safe with you? Can you can get supervised visits with an independent person like a social worker, etc. rather than family?
hi! thanks for replying. I read some of your story too and you seem like a really caring person. i will write a seperate post on what exactly they 'did' to get her. it wasnt based on anything legal whatsoever.. they just have a lot of money and are ruthless and socially prominenet liars.. it was waht could be called a 'smash and grab'. i will describe it in another post.
thanks so much for writing. it meaans SOOOOOOOO MUCH! thank you!
d's mom (anna)
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Anna: Oh, my heart aches for you. I also have a 12 year old daughter. It's a rough time for them in life. I can't imagine what's it's like for you. My own uncomfortable parenting situation looks like utopia in comparison.
You are brave, and announcing out loud how horrible things are for you (even if it's here) is the first step to healing. I will shout it for you as well!!! I will get behind you and send you whatever power I can.
I know everyone here will too. This energy has power. Call it prayer, call it whatever you want. People can help. All is not lost. There is hope.
Do you have legal aid? If you can contact a mother's rights organization, perhaps you could find a little muscle. This situation must come to light, your family must be exposed. Your power in this happening is within you. A mother's love.
Look forward, and feel how it would be to have your daughter back safe and sound. Spend a few minutes a day at least thinking and feeling that. Why not? When I started this, I was afraid to, for I thought when I "woke up" from that nice day dream I would be dissapointed. And I was, at first, however, I get to choose what I think. I would rather day dream pleasant things. Nothing will ever be created that is positive if you won't even let yourself THINK it first!
I know how those N's work. They are masterful in forcing the "it will never end....you will never be free" mindset on us. But our biggest weapon against them is our own MIND. In your mind, you can think whatever you want. Thoughts are what start EVERYTHING. Look around you, everything you touch began as a thought. That said, believe me, I know how tough it is to "reprogram" our thoughts (count 46 years of it for me, and without your horrible overt abuse, either!!!!). But have faith, Anna. It can be done.!
this was all so nice that i had to quote almost all of it. i agree i agree i agree !! and im so thankful for freedom to speak and be who i really am.. (i would do it anyway, just usually i get punished for it) and the positivity, and the NOT telling me its my fault or in my head or im 'exaggerating' or the one i really hate, usually from people who hve never met them, 'they wouldnt really do that'.....
they are so good at making people feel hopeless, powerless, defeated, useless, like nothing. they send these messages, so that noone ever sees it. no scars, no bruises, not any more. just incredibly sophisticated emotional torture, scars on the heart, that im not sure can be changed. i REALLY need to be around people who CALL A SPADE A SPADE a spade a spade a spade!!!!!!!!!!!!! for my own sanity, to keep it together and set this all right. talking openly and feeling positive is a pre-requisite for my mental health.
sooooooooooooo good to be here. thank you so much.
d's mom (anna)
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Welcome Anna,
There seem to be lot of people here with twelve year old daughters, me included. There's strength in numbers.
yes. im very happy to see this. i remember how i was as a teenager after how i was raised, and im lucky to be alive..
If you are comfortable sharing the long story you will receive nothing but support here. If you're not comfortable, that's OK too.
yes i would like to write waht happened. im thankful for the opportunity. i want to answer thse questions one by one becuase they are part of why im here trying to learn and find solutions.
Do you have legal help?
ok. this has been very complicated. ive had an awful lot of trouble with this. ive contact a lot of peopl, but its a very tough sell. i receive disability, so i am very very low income. i have a supposed 'mental health' background, which lawyers avoid like the plague, & my parents are not only wealthy but also influential doctors with political connections. additionally they live in california, and i live in oregon. so its -very- tough to find anyone that wants to take on something so complicated and something so likely to be long, drawn out, expensive, and ugly.
i have found lawyers that will take the case pro bono, beucase they =all= say the evidence supports me, but when they find out who im going against, they have 'suddenly' dropped out.
my parents have so many connections in the system, that when i asked the judge to order us to mediate, the court-appointed mediator ended up being a personal friend of theirs...so this has been a very very sticky problem.
after seeing me fight them for two years representing myself, an uncle took pity on me and gave $4000 to hire a real attorny for the final hearing. this guy basically told me they had 'no case', not to worrry about it, which all the attorneys have said. i tried to warn him about my family and what they can do. but he underestimated them, was totally unprepared, and did such a poor job that my own mother thought he threw the case.. then he droped out when i wouldnt pay him any more. he just wanted to keep sucking money out of my uncle for doing nothing. after 3 years, ive come to believe i need a really personally dedicated lawyer that has real chutzpah for this one. it will be a special case. still looking.
since what my parents did was verging on the illegal.... iim kind of hoping to find a lawyer that sees a way to not only go in and turn over what they did, but also then sue them civilly for what theyve done to us, thereby getting paid.
in other words - trying to turn my familys 'deep pockets' to an advantage, rather than disadvantage. im going to answer the rest in another post.
thanks for giving me the chance to sort some of this out. ;}
d's mom (anna)
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Did they put you through a psychological evaluation to steal her?
If so can you be reeavaluated?
ok im continuing these questions. thanks so much for helping me lay this out. as far as psych eval: also very weird. i got fully evaluated by my own personal psychiatrist, and my peresonal therapist up here. also my daughters teacher and several other people involved. all these people wrote sworn affidavits that i was totally competent to make decisions and care for my daughter, but none of it was admitted as evidence! in other words, they didnt even read the recommendations of my *own* doctors regarding my health. i begged the judge to order an evaluation for me, since i know id pass. they wouldnt do it. so - ??
i also had myself evaluated, at a cost of $1000, by a special family evaluator who was supposed to actually testify. well, they didnt allow her testimony either. she told me i was one of the best motheres she evaluated in 30 years. she interviewed me several times, each time i had to travel to california at my own expense. and yet, her testimiony, was not admittted by the judge. a couple of attorneys told me that was appealable, but not without thousands of dollars.
additionally, my father hired a 'therapist' with only a few years experience, who had *never* persoenaly spoken to me, seen me, or met me one time..... but her testimony that i was unfit, was considered admissable. so, that was all really fishy to me.
just recently my therapist told me, that if she had been taken by child services or any normal agency, not only would it not have happened in the first place, but i would have long ago met any normal requirements and gotten her back. but there was no plan given me, nothing to comply with, nothing to work for. the only requirement is acting like my parents want, and as we all know, theres NO winning there. every day its something different, no goals, no clarity, no timeline, no plan. just them dangling me on a string.
the whole thing about this, is that its never been based on facts to begin with, and so theres has been nothing factual i can provide anyone (so far) to counter it. ive had professionals telling them from the begiinning this is not necessary.. doctors and therapists all over the place.. i just cant seem to get them heard..
Are you in therapy?
If so, is it helping?
ive been in a lot of therapy. its on and off. i have a hard time getting even therapists to really understand my family. i am looking for a new one right now that will be -really- on top of this kind of thing. thats one thing im looking for guidance on. im tired of having therapists enable my parents.. becuase they 'cant see' what they do or they 'ddont blieve' people could really be like that. i am looking for a more 'with it' therapist rigit now.
Have you documented the things they do, to you and her? Things like 'losing' your mail or the arbitrary humiliating things they make you do.
i document everything.
Do you have any allies or friends there to support you?
very, very few. its real isolating. last question next post.
thanks, anna.
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Did they put you through a psychological evaluation to steal her?
If so can you be reeavaluated?
ok im continuing these questions. thanks so much for helping me lay this out. as far as psych eval: also very weird. i got fully evaluated by my own personal psychiatrist, and my peresonal therapist up here. also my daughters teacher and several other people involved. all these people wrote sworn affidavits that i was totally competent to make decisions and care for my daughter, but none of it was admitted as evidence! in other words, they didnt even read the recommendations of my *own* doctors regarding my health. i begged the judge to order an evaluation for me, since i know id pass. they wouldnt do it. so - ??
i also had myself evaluated, at a cost of $1000, by a special family evaluator who was supposed to actually testify. well, they didnt allow her testimony either. she told me i was one of the best motheres she evaluated in 30 years. she interviewed me several times, each time i had to travel to california at my own expense. and yet, her testimiony, was not admittted by the judge. a couple of attorneys told me that was appealable, but not without thousands of dollars.
additionally, my father hired a 'therapist' with only a few years experience, who had *never* persoenaly spoken to me, seen me, or met me one time..... but her testimony that i was unfit, was considered admissable. so, that was all really fishy to me.
just recently my therapist told me, that if she had been taken by child services or any normal agency, not only would it not have happened in the first place, but i would have long ago met any normal requirements and gotten her back. but there was no plan given me, nothing to comply with, nothing to work for. the only requirement is acting like my parents want, and as we all know, theres NO winning there. every day its something different, no goals, no clarity, no timeline, no plan. just them dangling me on a string.
the whole thing about this, is that its never been based on facts to begin with, and so theres has been nothing factual i can provide anyone (so far) to counter it. ive had professionals telling them from the begiinning this is not necessary.. doctors and therapists all over the place.. i just cant seem to get them heard..
Are you in therapy?
If so, is it helping?
ive been in a lot of therapy. its on and off. i have a hard time getting even therapists to really understand my family. i am looking for a new one right now that will be -really- on top of this kind of thing. thats one thing im looking for guidance on. im tired of having therapists enable my parents.. becuase they 'cant see' what they do or they 'ddont blieve' people could really be like that. i am looking for a more 'with it' therapist rigit now.
Have you documented the things they do, to you and her? Things like 'losing' your mail or the arbitrary humiliating things they make you do.
i document everything.
Do you have any allies or friends there to support you?
very, very few. its real isolating. last question next post.
thanks, anna.
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Welcome Anna!
Thank you for sharing your story. Even though I don't know who you are, I'm so sorry that you had to endure such hardship in your life. :( I'm not sure how you feel about this, but I believe those who treat you badly will have to answer to a higher authority for their actions on this earth. Justice will be served.
A rainbow appears after a rainstorm, right? Keep being strong for your daughter and for yourself, Anna. Goodness prevails over evil in the final analysis. You are no longer alone on this journey.
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Did they put you through a psychological evaluation to steal her?
If so can you be reeavaluated?
ok im continuing these questions. thanks so much for helping me lay this out. as far as psych eval: also very weird. i got fully evaluated by my own personal psychiatrist, and my peresonal therapist up here. also my daughters teacher and several other people involved. all these people wrote sworn affidavits that i was totally competent to make decisions and care for my daughter, but none of it was admitted as evidence! in other words, they didnt even read the recommendations of my *own* doctors regarding my health. i begged the judge to order an evaluation for me, since i know id pass. they wouldnt do it. so - ??
i also had myself evaluated, at a cost of $1000, by a special family evaluator who was supposed to actually testify. well, they didnt allow her testimony either. she told me i was one of the best motheres she evaluated in 30 years. she interviewed me several times, each time i had to travel to california at my own expense. and yet, her testimiony, was not admittted by the judge. a couple of attorneys told me that was appealable, but not without thousands of dollars.
additionally, my father hired a 'therapist' with only a few years experience, who had *never* persoenaly spoken to me, seen me, or met me one time..... but her testimony that i was unfit, was considered admissable. so, that was all really fishy to me.
just recently my therapist told me, that if she had been taken by child services or any normal agency, not only would it not have happened in the first place, but i would have long ago met any normal requirements and gotten her back. but there was no plan given me, nothing to comply with, nothing to work for. the only requirement is acting like my parents want, and as we all know, theres NO winning there. every day its something different, no goals, no clarity, no timeline, no plan. just them dangling me on a string.
the whole thing about this, is that its never been based on facts to begin with, and so theres has been nothing factual i can provide anyone (so far) to counter it. ive had professionals telling them from the begiinning this is not necessary.. doctors and therapists all over the place.. i just cant seem to get them heard..
Are you in therapy?
If so, is it helping?
ive been in a lot of therapy. its on and off. i have a hard time getting even therapists to really understand my family. i am looking for a new one right now that will be -really- on top of this kind of thing. thats one thing im looking for guidance on. im tired of having therapists enable my parents.. becuase they 'cant see' what they do or they 'ddont blieve' people could really be like that. i am looking for a more 'with it' therapist rigit now.
Have you documented the things they do, to you and her? Things like 'losing' your mail or the arbitrary humiliating things they make you do.
i document everything.
Do you have any allies or friends there to support you?
very, very few. its real isolating. last question next post.
thanks, anna.
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Do you have a plan on how to regain your daughter? Or have you been paralyzed by the turmoil?
sorry for the repeats..... my computer is old ;} last question here.
paralysed - about half and half. the powerlessness, is extrmely paralysing. losing in court after all that, was a heavy heavy blow that took a lot out of me ... and really took my will to live for a while. i still struggle with that. i HATE feeling trapped.
i do have a large number of plans. its kind of crushing, beucase they are so good at blocking all my moves. it gets very depresing and makes me feel real powerless, beucase im extremely smart and very resourceseful, and the best i can come up with, it seems they can jut block without even trying.
so, tht constant powerlessness, is very paralysing. i plan to prevail with no question in my mind. but, they are frighteningly good at blocking my moves and screwing up anything i get going for myself. im pretty sure they tape my phone calls. im not sure they dont have spyware on my computer. they are pros at promoting the illusion that 'resistance is futile'.
A mother who loves her daughter can do just about anything to protect her little girl.
this is believe totaly. although, they are messing with that too.. they are trying very hard to make her hate me... by torturing her when she expresses love for me..... this also makes me very upset. and is wounding her emotionally in some really awful ways. im feeling very desperate right now, thta she has been 'damaged' in her ability to feel love, beyond what i can repair.
It may not mean anything to you, I don't know, but I am going to pray very hard for you and your daughter. And I am going to pray against the evil people who are hurting you both. :cry:
it means an awful lot. thank you for that. it makes a -huge- difference to me.
talk with you soon
Anna + D.
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Dear Anna:
I can relate to a lot of what you are going through. It would be unbelievable if it weren't true. People with such power seem overwelming sometimes. The truth is.....their main power is in keeping us in state of frozen fear.
Standing up to such powerful people takes a lot of guts and I commend you on your bravery and determination and perseverence. That takes so much strength and energy and the stress is hardly imaginable. But you are still here....trying to get support.....making a new plan....determined to eventually prevail. Way to go Anna!! You're no quitter!
It is frustrating and angering to watch people working to turn your child against you and it's hard for many people to believe such a thing goes on, but it does go on, and it goes on in such a sneaky-snakey-slithery fashion too!
Feeling trapped. Unable to help your child. These are debilitating feelings that do cause emotional paralysis.
I know that feeling of desperation too and for me...rage...that such damage is done to a child, against a parent. They are sick, sick, sick, sickkos! Their day will come! :evil:
Please don't lose hope. Please try to do something every day...just for you....to help yourself feel calm, relaxed, let your worries go and just dream (as I think Mum said) of good things, of good outcomes, of wonderful days ahead! This will help you to believe in good possibilities and maybe help you to form a new plan.
My heart goes out to you Anna and I wish I could offer you some strategy that would fix it all. The best I can say is...a little at a time. Just keep going.
((((((((((((Anna))))))))))))
GFN
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Dear Anna,
My heart goes out to you in this nightmarish struggle. I remember how terrified I was when my NXH started plans to sue for custody. Your strength is admirable... hang in there for ALL of us; I want to believe that I'd have your fortitude and perserverance if I were in your shoes.
How good are you at networking... this ALL hinges on having the right person with the right connections hear your story. What has been your experience (if you are comfortable posting it) with women's advocacy groups?
I found this link
http://www.focusas.com/Oregon.html
It seems to have links to lots of other organizations.
I think your idea of countersuing your family may appeal to a lawyer and I can see you've put a lot of creative thought into what to do.
If you can find one person you can trust to work out a strategy plan- a person connected to legal, press, and childrights systems in Oregon or Ca, I think you have a story that will compell a good intentioned person to work with you.
Hugs and prayers,
Delphine
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Dear Anna,
My heart goes out to you in this nightmarish struggle. I remember how terrified I was when my NXH started plans to sue for custody. Your strength is admirable... hang in there for ALL of us; I want to believe that I'd have your fortitude and perserverance if I were in your shoes.
oh, im soooo so glad you didnt have to go through that.....! its a level of Dante's hell... you guys are so amazing. my stress has gone down by a ton these last few days, i feel a million percent less crazy readng about you all and what you have gone through, and what you say to each other. ..
there are actually other humans that know what im talking about. almost cant believe its real. if i do hang in (which i will) finding this place is going to help a heck of a lot.
to me theres no choice really.... as long as she is still a child, theres still time. raised my child free, broke the cycle of abuse, did it on purpose, wont let him poison the kid. over my dead body type of thing.
[/quote]How good are you at networking... this ALL hinges on having the right person with the right connections hear your story. What has been your experience (if you are comfortable posting it) with women's advocacy groups? [/quote]
i soo much agree. i bookmarked that link, thank you so much.... actually one of my current plans is to put up a website, so that i can further publicise and attract advocates... gathering resources to do that right now... its been tough mentally, with little support, but im getting more and more and pulling it together. additionally - frontal lobe brain injuries, impair 'executive functioning' which is the ability to plan.... so, i really have an up hill climb.:}
so, learning from the people here, and gathering confidence, will really help me get these plans underway.
i am a good networker, when my confidence is up. theres something im very proud of - so i will mention it: when this happened i called EVERYONE - most groups really didnt want to get involved.... but i did call oregon national organisation for women.... dont know how or why but turns out they get a lot of calls from women losing custody to abusive men... they are such good liars, they get their way in court a lot......
so for some reason, i was the 'hundredth monkey' ;} got referred to the pres of OR NOW, and she gave me my own task force on it. im still the only member! but, i was so proud of that, for an old crazy lady :} since then ive hooked up with other NOW task forces in other states, and recently we brought up a resolution at the national meeting, to form a national committee to address the problem of women losing custody to abusers........ kim gandy, NOW pres, is picking the members this weekend. my task force is the first of its kind in oregon, and this group will be the only national group addressing the subject as well.
im extremely proud of these things. its largely helping others, which is just fine with me. the cant give legal help or anything. but i dont want anyone to go thru this.. slowly i meet people who will also help me, and also, change the system, so that its not so easy for abusers to get custody.
considering i cant even get out of bed lots of days, im awful proud of that. the main challenge is developing my confidence, and lessening the paralysis, which i know being here, will definitely do.
i pray, and visualise, angels, helping me. they are out there rigiht now in the minds of the advocates and lawyers and therapist that are going to help me. i know these helpers are walking around out there, i just haven crossed their path yet. bringing them to me, is my job right now. just keep putting out feelers and telling the story and meeting new people and helping others. and staying healthy and trying not to stress.
being here, has already really been good for my confidence, and my 'voice'. thank you alllllll so much for such a warm reception. feel ive been wandering in the desert too long.
feel like somebody needs to pinch me.... im being understood........!!.
anna
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Anna
I can't answer any of your posts in detail - I also have a 12 year old daughter, and would probably tangle my own situation with yours, even though it is very different and nowhere near such a nightmare. I can't begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you. However, I wanted you to know I feel for you, and I wish you well in your struggle.
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Anna
I can't answer any of your posts in detail - I also have a 12 year old daughter, and would probably tangle my own situation with yours, even though it is very different and nowhere near such a nightmare. I can't begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you. However, I wanted you to know I feel for you, and I wish you well in your struggle.
thank you :}}} i wouldnt mind hearing about whats going on with you. :} im slowly learning about everyone as i reveiw the older posts. i appreciate the thoughts, and just the freedom to talk. just the freedom to talk openly and not be judged is a pretty cool thing. one of the most difficult things was when this happened, i was told i was not allowed to be angry.... i was called selfish and unreasonable and 'crazy' for my feelings of anger, which just made it much much worse... when i showed anger, it was used as proof of my 'illness' and my 'lack of love' for my daughter. so, im feeling pretty repressed right now.
thank you for the wishes and mostly the validation.
anna
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thank you :}}} i wouldnt mind hearing about whats going on with you. :} im slowly learning about everyone as i reveiw the older posts. i appreciate the thoughts, and just the freedom to talk. ...
thank you for the wishes and mostly the validation.
anna
Thanks, Anna. Perhaps I could say is that my 12 year old is really struggling with growing up at present; she is very confused about whether she is a child or an adult, and of course the answer is that she is neither, (or a bit of both). She can also be confused in her feelings about me; one minute they are like when she was a child, and I am the best person in the world :D , next minute she is a teenager and I am an old misery with no idea of anything.
You said at one point that you are afraid your daughter may learn not to love you any more. I would say that if I can love my Nmum, in spite of everything, you have nothing whatever to fear. :? You sound like a very loving, very caring person. I really wish you well in reuniting your family.
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Hi Anna,
I know you're busy ranting on your other thread, and you're doing a very good job of it. :D I hope you will keep at it as long as you need. :wink: It did me a world of good when I first found this place. Its one thing to rant to the wild blue yonder. Quite another to do it in front of people who know what you're talking about.
I just wanted to ask a couple more questions.
Do you have a written record of what your family has said to and about you?
Do you have witnesses to what they have said about you?
Have they repeated these things to others?
Could your uncle help you any further?
From they have said and done it looks like you would have a very strong case for intentional and negligent infliction of emotional distress along with defamation of character. If the victim has a history of therapy and emotional damage it is especially easy to nail their arse to the wall, because they should have known their actions would cause this distress.
I would like to point out to you that because of the evil lockstep nature of N minds it is very easy to get them to incriminate themselves further if you give them the rope to hang themselves. If you could gather enough evidence, including what you have told your therapists it seems like you could find an attorney to take your case on a contingency basis. You could probably then piggyback your case to get your daughter back on that. A bunch of rich doctors in front of a jury slandering a mother and seperating her from her daughter does not a sympathetic defendant make.
Just a suggestion for how to get an angle on these people.
mudpuppy
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Hi Anna,
I know you're busy ranting on your other thread, and you're doing a very good job of it. :D I hope you will keep at it as long as you need. :wink: It did me a world of good when I first found this place. Its one thing to rant to the wild blue yonder. Quite another to do it in front of people who know what you're talking about.
hey mudpuppy!
you are sooooo right. i am feeling soooooo much better after talking to all of you and reading about all of you.........
my life, it so often feels like that move, 'invasion of the body snatchers'...... where you are looking at your very last friend and you look into their eyes and think its all ok and then........ they are an alien toooooooo.............. its spooky, lonely, crazy-making, terrifying, annoying, well you get the picture. you are all helping me strengthen my voice and I LOVE IT!!!!! thank you!!!!
I just wanted to ask a couple more questions.
Do you have a written record of what your family has said to and about you?
bless you, ask away - YES.
Do you have witnesses to what they have said about you?
YES.
Have they repeated these things to others?
YES. and other people believed them, and it did measurable damage to me. (that qualifies for slander/libel i forget which) i already looked it up.
Could your uncle help you any further?
mmmm..... probly not. i hate to throw good money after bad. id rather find a lawyer to do contingency.
From they have said and done it looks like you would have a very strong case for intentional and negligent infliction of emotional distress along with defamation of character. If the victim has a history of therapy and emotional damage it is especially easy to nail their arse to the wall, because they should have known their actions would cause this distress.
you are =precisely= correct. i looked this up as well. being fuly aware as they were that i was recovering from both PTSD -and- a brain injury, and doing this action which they were fully aware was going to cause extreme unecessary STRESS, puts them at much greater liability. this -is- true legally. (if you can find a lawyer with guts)
I would like to point out to you that because of the evil lockstep nature of N minds it is very easy to get them to incriminate themselves further if you give them the rope to hang themselves. If you could gather enough evidence, including what you have told your therapists it seems like you could find an attorney to take your case on a contingency basis. You could probably then piggyback your case to get your daughter back on that. A bunch of rich doctors in front of a jury slandering a mother and seperating her from her daughter does not a sympathetic defendant make.
Just a suggestion for how to get an angle on these people.
mudpuppy
you are precisely on the money. i could really take them to the cleaners but i will need a bulldog attorney. i have sooooo much evidence against them, they have hung themselves many times over. i have been scrupulously attentive to keeping my own actions clean and blame-free. (hence the stress.) but they were so certain i could do nothing to stop them, they were very sloppy, and did a bunch of very bad stuff that is well documented and witnessed. all i need, is a lawyer who is not afraid of them, which has been a lot tougher to find than it seems.
talking to all of you, has been a massive shot in the arm. im already thinking clearer. with these nutcases, its so much a 'mental game'. they keep you so beaten down so you cant even think. but, that is changing fast. not sure how long it will take but i know they -will- regret the day they decided to pick on this mama. :}
thanks for the -validation- this means either im not as crazy as i thought, or im crazy in the same way as lots of other people. either way is totally better than being alone. ;}
gracias senor
d's mom
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Hi Anna,
I know you're busy ranting on your other thread, and you're doing a very good job of it. :D I hope you will keep at it as long as you need. :wink: It did me a world of good when I first found this place. Its one thing to rant to the wild blue yonder. Quite another to do it in front of people who know what you're talking about.
hey mudpuppy!
you are sooooo right. i am feeling soooooo much better after talking to all of you and reading about all of you.........
my life, it so often feels like that move, 'invasion of the body snatchers'...... where you are looking at your very last friend and you look into their eyes and think its all ok and then........ they are an alien toooooooo.............. its spooky, lonely, crazy-making, terrifying, annoying, well you get the picture. you are all helping me strengthen my voice and I LOVE IT!!!!! thank you!!!!
I just wanted to ask a couple more questions.
Do you have a written record of what your family has said to and about you?
bless you, ask away - YES.
Do you have witnesses to what they have said about you?
YES.
Have they repeated these things to others?
YES. and other people believed them, and it did measurable damage to me. (that qualifies for slander/libel i forget which) i already looked it up.
Could your uncle help you any further?
mmmm..... probly not. i hate to throw good money after bad. id rather find a lawyer to do contingency.
From they have said and done it looks like you would have a very strong case for intentional and negligent infliction of emotional distress along with defamation of character. If the victim has a history of therapy and emotional damage it is especially easy to nail their arse to the wall, because they should have known their actions would cause this distress.
you are =precisely= correct. i looked this up as well. being fuly aware as they were that i was recovering from both PTSD -and- a brain injury, and doing this action which they were fully aware was going to cause extreme unecessary STRESS, puts them at much greater liability. this -is- true legally. (if you can find a lawyer with guts)
I would like to point out to you that because of the evil lockstep nature of N minds it is very easy to get them to incriminate themselves further if you give them the rope to hang themselves. If you could gather enough evidence, including what you have told your therapists it seems like you could find an attorney to take your case on a contingency basis. You could probably then piggyback your case to get your daughter back on that. A bunch of rich doctors in front of a jury slandering a mother and seperating her from her daughter does not a sympathetic defendant make.
Just a suggestion for how to get an angle on these people.
mudpuppy
you are precisely on the money. i could really take them to the cleaners but i will need a bulldog attorney. i have sooooo much evidence against them, they have hung themselves many times over. i have been scrupulously attentive to keeping my own actions clean and blame-free. (hence the stress.) but they were so certain i could do nothing to stop them, they were very sloppy, and did a bunch of very bad stuff that is well documented and witnessed. all i need, is a lawyer who is not afraid of them, which has been a lot tougher to find than it seems.
talking to all of you, has been a massive shot in the arm. im already thinking clearer. with these nutcases, its so much a 'mental game'. they keep you so beaten down so you cant even think. but, that is changing fast. not sure how long it will take but i know they -will- regret the day they decided to pick on this mama. :}
thanks for the -validation- this means either im not as crazy as i thought, or im crazy in the same way as lots of other people. either way is totally better than being alone. ;}
gracias senor
d's mom
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d's mom/anna,
my life, it so often feels like that move, 'invasion of the body snatchers'...... where you are looking at your very last friend and you look into their eyes and think its all ok and then........ they are an alien toooooooo..............
Too funny. A few weeks ago I said the very same thing about the very same movie on some other thread! :lol: At least I think it was me, if not then someone else thinks like you too. :shock:
Could your uncle help you any further?
mmmm..... probly not. i hate to throw good money after bad. id rather find a lawyer to do contingency.
Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of as a witness. He must have seen some pretty rotten behavior to want to help you.
all i need, is a lawyer who is not afraid of them, which has been a lot tougher to find than it seems.
Have you looked in the field of lawyers who specialize in personal injury?
One aspect of intentional infliction of emotional distress is that insurance almost never covers this kind of behavior. This can be good and bad. Its harder to find a lawyer because they're less likely to make a quick settlement with an insurance company. Its good because if you do win an award it comes directly out of your tormentor's pockets! :twisted:
Two potential problems; where would a legal proceeding be held? California or Oregon?
And what about the statute of limitations? In CA its only one year on slander/libel and two on intentional infliction of emotional distress.
There's got to be an ambulance chaser somewhere who wants to take a bunch of doctors to the cleaners. :wink:
mudpuppy