Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: phillip on April 02, 2005, 09:11:16 PM
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My father's funeral was today. Sometime during the church service, a
woman approached my sister. She said her husband wanted to attend,
but he could not get off work. He insisted that someone represent
his family, so she came. Evidently, her family is relatively poor.
Many years ago someone, one of her parents came in to have a tooth
worked on. You see, my father was a dentist. But they could not pay
for the work. My father did the work anyway. The bottom line is
that over the years, my father worked on generations of this family,
children and grandchildren. The woman told my sister that the number
of her family members was more than 20 people all told. She just
wanted us all to know how much that meant to her family, how much he
meant to their family. This was the first we had ever heard of this,
in fact, we are pretty certain that my father never told anyone, even
his own wife. Had she not come to tell us, we would never have
known. How ironic that his own children, with so much cause to be
resentful of his life, would receive a final lesson from him related
to genuine compassion. As we passed by his now sold home one final
time, and I gazed on the front porch with its outdoor rocking couch,
I could easily picture my mom and dad sitting down after dinner to
watch the Sun set, with their coffee in hand. I wiped tears from my
eyes as we passed. He never knew his own children as we are, I
realized after today, we never really knew him either.
It would be so much simpler if I could just hate him. Yet, as much as I hate to admit it, the TRUTH is seldom at either extreme. I do not think that it is about shades of right or wrong. I think it is more about some of the things that people feel compelled to do, can hurt others. It may appear intentional, but generally is merely an acting out of a pre-recorded behavior loop, that serves as a band-aid for a past hurt. My father clearly did some good, and he clearly did some damage. Maybe this is true of all of us; it is certainly true of myself. My defended and protected heart has been softened by today's experiences. My judgements come now so sluggishly. I am changing before my eyes. Thanks for letting me share.
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Robinm-I thank you. This seems to be a time of endings. Life is for the living. Peace to you all here on this precious board. It is you all, and I that make it so. A gift we give to ourselves and each other. And you know what? We deserve it.
Mum is facing loss now also. Please send your thoughts her way too. Together we create beauty and peace.
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Hi Phillip,
I am sorry that you have lost your father. The story you shared is very touching. I'm glad that woman was able to tell you of your father's kindness.
Take care,
Chutzbagirl
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Chutzbagirl-I feel that everything serves to teach. The deeper the emotion, the more critical the lesson. Tears of grief have turned into tears of joy. I believe this is the miracle of life. Slow gradual transformation, to a better more integrated way of being. I see emotional crisis as a crossroad, where one may make a critical choice, and change one's life forever. I thank you for your good wishes. Something has shifted in me. I am no longer sure of anything. I do not need to be, and with that realization comes the awareness that I am now free to learn. If this makes any sense. lol. Don't forget, daylight savings time changes tonite. Peace.
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Phillip, you are so kind to think of me in your own sadness.
What you said, about not being sure about anything, makes complete and total sense to me. Having it all 'figured out" is BS...because as soon as you think you do...wham! You don't. The uncertainty of life is all we can be certain of. This "groundlessness" that is under our feet is what tells us what life is. I am convinced of that and yet still trying to relax into it, realizing it's the only way TO relax, this realizing it's all so temporary.
It is not surprising, really, for profundity to hit on the day you send your father along on his journey with blessings.......perhaps you got one too.
Bless you, Phillip. And Bless your father.
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MUM-The peace and the joy I am feeling thanks to all of you on this board is without measure. For a brief moment in time, we can share hearts beating as one. I am recognizing just how wondrous we are when we merge ourselves into the light. There are profound answers here, simply because together, we are one, our hearts focused together in support of each other. I told alot of people that I loved them today at the funeral, and I meant it. None of us ever knows if there won't be any more chances to say,"I love you". Thank you all for the gift of knowing you.
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Hi Phillip,
I appreciate your thoughtfulness and gift of written communication. I am looking forward to reading your process as you digest this new picture of your father. I wish you could have benefitted from his generosity.
Although it's hard to picture, there may be people that think highly of my N Mom. Perhaps my M is able to express loving qualities to some people on this earth. If she can, as your F did, I am glad for her.
Best wishes,
Chutzbagirl
p.s. Thanks for the daylight saving's time reminder - I would have been late to work...
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Thanks for your kindness Phillip, I am still crying (my other post). I am trying not to cry in front of my kids...they love their cousin so and it is just so hard. Your compassion means so much.
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MUM-I have a 21 year oldnephew. I see him every day nearly. He is hooked on heroin. We have tried everything for him. Beyond a certain point, they have to WANT to live. If he were my child, I would incarcerate him. I worked in a drug alcohol rehab for a year. I was told by a counselor once that they are ALL running from a truth that they are not willing to face. It is where the sword pierces the heart. I know THAT sorrow also. I am so very sorry.
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Hi, Phillip--
Just sending love your way-- I am so sorry for your loss. And I am glad for your dad that he had moments where he could express his kindness and his best self. I wish he could have done so more with you, but at least he got to have those moments.
Sending positive thoughts to Mum, too. You are going through something really tough.
Vunil
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Phillip
You have my deepest sympathies. I'm sorry for your loss.
Mia
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Phillip,
I'm glad this woman was able to share her story with you, and that you shared it with us. After my N-MIL died, I was surprised to see some people crying, telling us how kind she was to them. It made me feel guilty that I hadn't noticed this about her (far from it). So she was different things to different people. Anyway, I'm glad you had that consolation.
best,
bunny
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Dear Philip-
I am very sorry for the loss of your father and extend my sympathy to you and your family. What an incredible story to hear of your father's generosity and dignity, and the respect he had for the family he extended himself to so quietly over those years.
I cannot imagine what hearing that story must mean to you. What a gift.
Sending warm and gentle thoughts to you and your father,
Terry
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Guest_NewDay-Thank you for posting. I am still not sure how I quite feel. I have known for a long time that my father was a frightened child all his life. Always defending, always looking for a way to stay ahead of all the emotional pain. My sisters just began to see it because they were in denial and incapable of addressing their own damage. Due to a nearly successful suicide attempt on my part, about 17 years ago, I was inclined to work through my own demons. The key to my healing was an affirmation that I received from a therapist, one that I respected.
I was recalling that when I was 10 years old, I told my father that I was unhappy. He laughed at me and asked me,"Who ever told you that you were supposed to be happy?" When I related this story to my therapist, her response was, "THAT IS PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE." It was an "AHA" moment for me and a lightbulb went off. I began to heal from that moment on. My father was damaged and unhappy. He just did not have the skills or the inclination to find help. Pasting band-aids on his ego was a full time job. His act of selfless compassion allows me the luxury of actually seeing him for the first time in years as a fellow human being, damaged, but decent too. I can live with this final memory, and see his suffering, knowing that I am free to take the best that he was, and leave the rest.
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Philip, it is understandable that you would have conflicted thoughts about your father at this time. But I like that you gave your post the heading "compassion" and that you said
My father clearly did some good, and he clearly did some damage. Maybe this is true of all of us
Yes, it is true for all of us. I have a hard time seeing my exN appear to be doing "good things" now and appearing to be a stand up guy, too, at least to someone who has never experienced his cruelty. But like you, I find waves of compassion in me, maybe because, as you said, I just have to believe that even people who have emotionally abused us, are trying, in thier own way, to do good somewhere, somehow. Even if it might be a band-aid.
It's still nice, in my estimation, to have a wave of warmth (or more) for your father, now that he has died. You have a good, good heart.
My Dad died 3 years ago, he was a good man, so I had no conflict, other than wishing I had known him better.
May you find peace -
NewDay
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Philip,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts as you grieve the loss of your dad. I understand the paradox of an N parent- so many valuable lessons and life experiences delivered with unfathomable unconsciousness.... sigh.....
God's peace and wisdom,
Delphine
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Phillip,
I just wanted to say: First, I am sorry for your loss.
Second, I appreciate your original post more than I can say. I have a tremendously tough time with my N-mother. Although I'd like to just cut her off, I can't. Not because I'm weak, but because I love her and feel somewhat sorry for her. Underneath all the b*s*, underneath all the manipulation, I still love her, and I do not want to spend a significant part of my adult life in denial of that. If I devote my energies to severing my relationship with her, doesn't she win anyway?
Third, I am so glad to hear someone else say that a therapist's affirmation made a big (maybe even crucial) difference in their lives. Not too long after I started therapy, I had been saying that I felt a little conflicted being about the whole process; I wasn't beaten, I wasn't tied to a radiator. "It couldn't have been that bad," I said to my therapist. "So why do I feel this way?" He looked at me for a long minute, then said quietly, in all seriousness, "It was that bad. You are a miracle for surviving at all." That made an enormous difference in my life, but I always felt a little strange about just how big the difference was. Until I read you post.
You must be a very special person, to be so life-affirming in the middle of a very painful time. God bless you.
Joyce
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All of you-Never underestimate the value that I derive out of your pure generosity on this board. Bless you all. "No kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted."-Albert Schweitzer
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Philip
I'm sorry for your loss. Your story was very touching.
I'm Happy that you were willing to hear how special your father was.
You could have heard the words, having no impact on your life.
I will send a special prayer for your family, to have peace in your hearts.
Take care OR
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Dear Phillip:
I am also sorry for the loss of your father. Your story is very touching and it is teaching. It shows that no one is alllllll bad.
My father passed away in 2001 and I heard a few stories of his kindness to others at that time too. But unlike you, my thoughts were not as compassionate because I kept thinking of "how nice he was to outsiders but he treated his family like dirt". So the stories generated anger, resentment and envy in me, rather than compassion.
I'm glad you do not hate your father and that this experience has been so helpful in making that possibility even further from reality.
Thankyou for sharing your story as it has also helped me by giving me another perspective to consider.
Bless you Phillip.
GFN
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Dear Phillip,
I, too am so sorry for your loss. Like GFN, when my N father died 4 1/2 years ago I was not able to see the good in him, but only how he had hurt me for so many years. You are blessed to have heard this wonderful story about your father to start you on your journey of healing and forgiveness. I believe that people and things come to us for a reason and this woman was meant to enter your life when she did.
God bless you as you work through your grief.
Brigid