Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: write on April 07, 2005, 09:41:30 PM
-
for those of you who know me, you'll understand why I'm in this impossible position.
For everyone else, suffice to say I'm an immigrant on a dependent visa with shared parental responsibilities with a npd ex.
I cannot tell you how hard I've tried and how difficult my life has been, but especially so in these last particularly powerless months.
But I've done all I can. Supported nh. Kept my family together.
But now- I feel it's come to the end. I don't want this enormous pain and responsibility any more.
I know enough about suicide to know that it is a terrible legacy for my family.
But how can I keep on like this any more?
-
Write. You don't have to keep on "like this" any more. But please "keep on." The "like this" part is really optional. Really. Pain makes our world seem so small. We go smaller, we see limitations everywhere and no possibility. But its the great lie. The world IS large and there ARE options and possibilities. Please believe me.
You are worth keeping....the world will feel a void without you. I wish I could hold you and convince you.
Is there anyone in "real time" that you feel a connection to, who could help you? The darkest hour is just before dawn.. it is the truth. Darkness is the lie......Please hold on.
-
Write: feel free to PM me. If I were with you, I would walk you through what I do to release pain. It certainly changed my life. I have no idea if it would help you, but I have heard you enough here to know, your leaving this earth would be a great loss. I think you are wonderful. But I will respect and honor your divine path, whatever it is..and if it is to cross mine, or anyone elses' here and find out something that will help, I bless that as well.
-
Write -- hold on -- you could be cycling down -- don't let that claim you -- please call your pdoc or therapist before you consider doing anything -- or call the people you have 'on call' for times when you are cycling -- if it's a cycle it will pass, and if it's life circumstances they too shall pass, there is sun after rain, there is goodness here, there is some specially reserved for you, it will come to you, you are not alone, we are praying for you and standing with you.
Hold on, hold on, hold tight, don't give up, don't let go
(((((((((((((((((((((WRITE)))))))))))))))))))))))
-
write, you responded to me in the past with kind words when I needed to hear them, and now I hope I can reach you with the same. You are needed and worthy. You are important. The enormous pain and responsibility you are feeling are things that can be conquered. You will get all the help you need here, but please, as Stormchild said, call someone. Don't be alone.
-
write,
I briefly mentioned this in another post and it isn't easy for me to talk about, but there was a time for several months when I felt the same as you do tonight. I thought I couldn't hold up the weight any longer. I was actually thinking of where would be the best place for me to do it.
When I thought of my daughter, and how she would miss me, I couldn't go through with it. I thought of her face and visualized how she would look if I did.
It will get better. There is always a bottom, but sometimes we don't know its a bottom when we are there because its so murky. But a bottom means you can't go any lower. Please don't focus on the junk in your life. Think of the good things that relieve the pain. Please call and talk to someone.
You can PM me as well, anytime.
We are praying for you and we care about you.
((((((((write))))))) Those are from everyone here.
mudpuppy and company
-
write,
You don't know what options tomorrow will bring. I'm glad you wrote to the group and I hope we can help you brainstorm. I can't really understand your immigrant status, for one thing. But don't hurt yourself.
keep posting,
bunny
-
how can I keep on like this any more?
write,
are you taking on more than you should or want to? based on what i've read and listened to, being around N's can cause us to take on more responsibility than is really necessary.
please unload your burden here and get some fresh air back into your life. we're listening.
Love,
Dawning.
-
Write, I've been where you are now. Please don't go through with it. Every single day of my life gets better than the one before since that day for me. I look back now and realize that it wasn't even my pain! What a waste it would have been, and for no reason of my own. Do anything you need to do to take care of yourself. Tell as many people as you can. Some can help, come can't. Keep talking here. We care.
-
I am not totally convinced I can go on, but I dropped another abusive relationship or two tonight, and I'm hearing what you're all saying.
It's just too hard though, not only the abusive childhood, but then the n- marriages then the fact that every other relationship is also abusive...
though I totally enjoyed something earlier:
this is what I wrote to someone who has been messing me about for ages
from what I see of you: you are only attracted to women who are
inadequate...you are not interested in an equal companion; and someone who
is more than you is more than your narcissistic soul could tolerate.
I don't approve of your ex-'fling' and her behaviour but frankly if you
treat people badly they tend to retaliate. That means entering someone's
world and respecting their journey including their pain.
If you thought she was mentally ill surely that would mean treating her more
carefully? Your
dismissiveness speaks volumes.
I'm shocked at the way you've behaved with me over the last months and
stating that ' because of my childhood I don't refuse love' isn't enough
explanation. You have told me you love me, behaved passionately with me,
been evasive and misleading.
I've done all I could because I liked and loved and appreciated you to
maintain this
relationship.
It's a pattern I have of relating.
But it's not worth the personal cost to me.
I need people around who appreciate me; I tried to explain to you how
difficult and painful my life has been, clearly I was not heard.
All you've done is act out with me, at the most vulnerable time of my life.
I won't be pelting eggs, but I'm equally disgusted and angry with you as
that poor woman felt.
Please drop my house key in my box and go away,
I never treat people this way, but I know that I should!
Encourage me please.
-
Write! Do you realize how powerful you are? It is wonderful. What you wrote to that "person" was strong but NOT a bad thing at all. You simply stood up for yourself. You did it! Not feeling ok about it is the N garbage still rolling around in your head....it's not you. YOU are a good person. Setting boundaries is the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself AND for others. If I could write and send something that strong and full of pure goodness and power, I would be elated....but I have pretty much re-written that N tape recording in my head....so you aren't there yet, but you have taken a very strong and healthy step! PLEASE understand that.
Listen, I married two N's....and dated lots more. I lived to tell the tale, and so can you. As Lontire said: it's not even your pain!!! It belongs to someone else, they were just dumping it on you. Your letter shows that you can close that lid. You just did, that's all. "No more dumping of pain here, you get to keep yours". There is not only nothing wrong with what you wrote, it is RIGHT ON!!!!
We're in this together, Write. Don't stop now....you are on your way UP now. (although it's ok to be at the bottom of the fish tank for a while if you need to be). Just don't leave us ok?
-
WRITE ON!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry. I'm very relieved you came back to the board and even more relieved that you did let go.... of something that will reduce the amount of pain in your life!
((((((((((((((((((((WRITE))))))))))))))))))))
Everything Mum said.
Don't leave us! we need you.
-
Wow! What an assertive statement sticking up for yourself without being defensive. :twisted: Sometimes we reach the end of our tolerance for situations, but don't confuse that with the end of your ability to deal with them. The first leads to positive, affirming actions like your letter. If it were the latter, some bed rest and medications can usually fix that. I agree with Stormchild, we need you here.
-
I need people around who appreciate me
Exactly, not abusive arseholes who undermine your sense of worth.
You have stood up for yourself, that takes an enormous amount of courage when you've been taught to be voiceless.
-
Lontire: thank you for this line: " sometimes we reach the end of our tolerance for situations, but don't confuse that with the end of your ability to deal with them". Awesome. Write, I hope you read that one....it sums things up. We love you Write.
-
Dear Write,
I'm very sorry for the suffering you are enduring. :cry: I hope you are able to receive all the love expressed for you on this board. I am familiar with the hopelessness experienced at the hands of N's - it is very painful and exhausting. I'm not on "the other side" yet, but I'm willing to believe there is one.
I pray you will experience comfort and relief as this wave passes. There are so many brave people that have faced their grief and gone on to live and love. Let's join them.
Chutzbagirl
-
and dumping these relationships I needed to has brought me to some sober realisation: these were people who were trying to hurt ME...I just retaliated.
Doesn't fit entirely right yetm but maybe this is the start of non-super-human-me....
-
Good on you, Write. Sometimes we need to get to the bottom in order to realise these truths; that we are allowed to ask to be treated with respect, and to retaliate if we aren't given it.
I still have to remind myself of that at times.
I also learnt and know that the people who were trying to hurt me did so because of their own need to do so, not because of me. I just happened to be there, whether I did everything 'right' or not.
-
I cannot tell you how hard I've tried and how difficult my life has been, but especially so in these last particularly powerless months.
But I've done all I can. Supported nh. Kept my family together.
But now- I feel it's come to the end. I don't want this enormous pain and responsibility any more.
I know enough about suicide to know that it is a terrible legacy for my family.
But how can I keep on like this any more?
i know you dont know me, but i feel so sorry theres so much pain. feeling suicidal is something very very serious. my uncle did kill himself. its hard to understand how dangerous and seductive it can be, if you havent really been there. make an alternate plan. call those hotlines. open that phone book and call every hotline one by one if you have to. call a friend, anyone. above all, develop alternate plans. the hotline should help you do that.
do everything possible to love yourself and remember you are worthy of love, no matter how tiny or small. it sounds really dumb but i eat chicken soup at those times. suicide is about getting away from the pain.
there are ways to learn to be safe with the pain. then it wont seem that death is the only posible escape.
just sending you love cause i know its a dark dark place and you just need some lovin thoughts sometimes.
d's mom
-
WRITE
CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT THINGS, AND THE THING YOU ARE LOOKING AT WILL CHANGE.
Please don't get trapped in the darkness.
The darkest before the dawn. When ever you feel you are at the darkest the brightest light is about to emerge. Don't miss it.
I'm so sorry you are feeling done not wanting to move forward. Feelings change they are always fleeting. Feelings should not be used to make such an important decision in your beautiful life. Keep strong.
Keep looking for the light make your way through the darkness to see that this Board wants you here and believes you are a wonderful human.
OR
-
I got through the night, I'll speak to someone later
-
I got through the night, I'll speak to someone later
Today, ok?? We are all really worried about you, sending you all of our affection.
Even a regular doctor might make sense for you now, if you are willing, to see if you could take something short-term (it's not a commitment!) to pull your brain out of this fog. I know how it feels to feel as if you are slogging through, as if your brain just can't stop being sad. But it can stop! Sometimes it needs a little short-term help. Please tell whomever you go to the truth about how you felt last night, because that will help them realize what is happening with you and treat you more effectively.
I am so sorry about what you are going through. It does seem like a lot. Please keep posting, and please do get yourself to a doctor or therapist today.
-
Write,
Hang in there sweet girl. Don't let the bastards win. The world would be a sadder place without you.
I am praying for you and have faith that you will start seeing the light of love from everyone here.
Brigid
-
....Encourage me please.
Consider yourself "encouraged." Please don't give up--you have already taken a huge step in a positive direction by acknowledging that you deserve better, and that you don't intend to continue allowing Npeople to inflict their harm on you any more.
I can't speak for the other posters on this site(and I am not nearly as learned or eloquent, either), but I have been where you are(emotionally speaking). I had reached the point that I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake-up again. I'm relatively new to this site, so I don't know specifically what your personal situation is, but please think about the people in your life who do love and care about you(you can find many of those people right here). I would bet that for every one rotten N in your life, there are probably ten wonderful people who would suffer a devastating loss were you to exit their lives.
When I reached the point where I felt like I could not go on, I thought about the loving people in my life who would suffer pain were I to put an end to my existence here. It was enough to keep me from actually doing anything drastic. Then, I reached out----to close friends, near and far, to people in my church---and I started seeing a wonderful therapist. For me, that was enough to see me through a very rough time in my life and start the healing journey.
I am so glad that I decided to stick around, because had I not, I would have missed-out on so many joyous moments and wonderful people who had yet to come into my life. Please, don't deprive yourself of the good stuff to come. People here know how draining(mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually) it is to weather the storms of Nabuse----but on this site I see people of such character, who have not only a heart's desire to better understand humanity, but also a tremendous capacity for caring and empathy. Could this be a result of what each of us has had to endure in our own lives? I think so(and not without personal expense). Does "going through it" suck? Absolutely. But learn from it too, use these experiences to chart a new "blueprint" for yourself and your life. You've already started the journey by deciding that you do not deserve to suffer at the hands of Ncists, and by terminating some of the Nrelationships that have existed in your life up to this point(enduring Ncism from early childhood on gave me a heightened appreciation for the "Golden Rule"---it is my credo-- but now, I seek-out people who will reciprocate, and I send the Ncists packing!).
Please forgive the cliches on my part---I'm no philosopher---but give it time, don't react hastily. Nature abhors a vacuum, so you can't keep cycling downward indefinitely--eventually you will have to go up, and it will happen sooner than you might think. Because I withstood the really dark moments in my life, I have a much greater appreciation for the love and beauty that surrounds me now. And you will too, if you just hang in there. I'm thinking of you. Keep posting.
PQC
-
Write, your post this morning is a welcome sight. Please keep reaching-out here, but get to someone in person who can help you TODAY. It might be just enough to help you "turn the corner." Please don't give up. I'm sending prayers your way.
-
Hi Write,
I am so glad that you reached out here for support last night. There are so many wonderful, loving people here...including you. I hope you are feeling better today.
I think your letter is spot on. Your unwillingness to put up with jerks is soooooooooooooo healthy. I know that is is difficult because it can feel like such a loss in the beginning. Time, loving support and understanding your own self better will help you heal.
Write, I also struggle with this need to feel super human. It is so exhausting and I know I've come a long way. Even as I write this I am wishing I could make it all better for you, take away your pain, but my rational side tells me that I cannot. I just want you to know that you are not alone with this and I hope you can find a therapist that you can really lean on. If not, please keep leaning here. I would also welcome a PM from you if you would like.
Take good care of yourself and hold on, please.
Learning
-
Hi Write,
My thoughts are with you--and I'm glad you're going to talk to someone today.
Best wishes,
Richard
-
Hi write,
I'm glad you made it through the night. Keep posting and talking to others. Not all relationships are abusive. Please believe it.
bunny
-
Good for you Write!!!
You made it through the night.
You've listened to reason and decided to speak with someone.
You continue to reach out here for support.
These are amazing accomplishments for someone who is feeling so down.
((((((((((((((((Write)))))))))))))))
I do want to encourage you to continue in this direction and not let yourself sink any lower into the abyss.
And also, I want to discourage you from suicide. I'm so glad you are in a reality based state......enough to entitle your thread with that dreaded word.......suicide.
It's a word people seem uncomfortable with, especially since, as far as I can see, they don't talk about it a whole lot (probably for that discomfort reason???).
I know that deep darkness too, Write (like many here). I was all ready to end it all. I had it all planned so that it would cause the least harm to anyone else (so I thought). I was laying on my bed, having one last good cry before I would go and do the plan ...when the phone rang.
It was a close friend of mine. She started right in, after asking if I had a few minutes to talk.
"My cousin just committed suicide!!!" she said, "I'm livid!!! Suicide is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo selfish!!!! I want to kill him myself except he's already gone!!!!! The sob went and left the rest of us to face all the sh#$%^t in this world!!! Who does he think he is??? What about his kids???? Now they have to face all the sh#$%^t in this world without him!!! I want to scream!!! I want to wring his dead kneck!!!! I want to bring him back and give him a big lecture and slap some sence into his selfish head!!! He didn't think about the rest of us, who are left here without him, who are now in pain and who love him and who are suffering because of his selfish, selfish, act!!! He thought he was the only one in this world who had a lot to bear??? Now he's given the rest of us more than we had to bear, ontop of what we already had!!! " On and on she went.
This totally snapped me out of my own self-pity and guilt tripped me immediately into thinking about other people and their possible feelings......if I were to kill myself (it was a useful guilt trip, I think). It made me think about this close friend, who felt so comfortable letting it all out to me, on the phone, because she knew I would listen and because she was hurting. It made me realize that my act would cause more hurt than I had anticipated. I realized that if I finished this pain, I would start new pain...for others. I thought: "I'm not thaaaaat selfish".
Please, let me discourage you from such a plan, Write!
Stay and try and don't give up hope that there will be better days.
This pain won't last forever and the reality is......if you commit suicide....you will cause great pain and grief and possibly hardship for other people.
I don't know much about your situation either but I do know that you posted information here to offer help for other people and that tells me that you are a good, caring person who DOES think of others.
Make those phone calls and get your butt out there to speak to someone who will help you make a new, much better, more helpful plan.
Please call and please post and let us know that you did find someone to speak with and please post 5000 times today and tomorrow and any day you need to.
Please keep reaching out! All is not lost. Life can be better. Please keep trying!!
GFN
-
Dearest Write:
It is easy enough for me to say "stay strong" and I realize the energy that is involved in "being strong". However, what has helped me is my Faith in God. It is especially valuable when you look at John Paul's suffering toward the end of his life and his inability to speak, his frailty, his age, yet he still had something to tell us as we near the end of our life.
He also showed us how to live life dispite our sufferings. I would ask that you also identify with Christ and his suffering on the Cross. Many at this board have been through many trials, we have at some time or other thought, "It would be much better and easier to just .....go". Yet even though I do not know you, I assure you that I would miss you.
I would miss you because you have inate qualities that God has bestowed upon you that you have yet to discover. These are valuable inasmuch these qualities might be important and be of help and support to someone else and more importantly to me.
The enviornment, the circumstances, the pain you now are enduring are only a passing moment in your life. In five years you will be a different person, in a different place, doing different things in life. You must give yourself this chance to change into something that God has meant for your life. I assure you it is important and the suffering you now endure is only part of the race in your journey.
I do not aspire to suffer I assure you, but it is part of our humanity. God has shown us a way on how to endure despite it. I hope this has not come across as "preachy" but as an encouragement that all things are possible inspite of what you now endure. There are people who love you who do not even know you. Please reach out and grasp this and you will find your way with God's help. Please keep posting here because this is a place of sanctuary and understanding.
Much love, Patz
-
write -
I've just seen your post from last night and join the many others who've posted with words of support and encouragement. I once considered suicide so know how heavy and powerful the despair can get, but can tell you that things do get better, in fact almost all that I cherish now arrived in my life after that time...so please hang in, the world needs you here.
BG
-
(((((Write)))))
Very relieved to see you at the table this morning, ma'am.
Thanks for coming back to the board after you posted last night- thanks for coming back this morning - please keep us posted on how you are doing. We may only be pixels on a screen, but there are real human hands touching the keys, real human hearts longing to comfort you as best we can, hoping you will keep on keeping on.
(((((Write)))))
-
Hello write,
Glad you made it through the night. One more day; that was key for me. A large part of my hopelessness came from looking at the horizon, instead of where my next footfall would be. By just taking one small step at a time, getting through one more day, I eventually reached the horizon without even knowing it. And there was actually a sun there that I couldn't see from back where I was. Still some clouds too, but definitely only partly cloudy.
You wrote,
I never treat people this way, but I know that I should!
Encourage me please.
In rereading a lot of your old posts it is obvious you are a good hearted person who deserves better than what you have received. I believe if you hang in there you will eventually find someone who will love you just the way you are. And part of that is shedding the fools who have harmed you in the past. But for now just concentrate on getting your feet on the ground and putting one foot in front of the other.
Please let us know how your day went when you get a chance.
mudpup
-
((((((Write)))))
Sending you angels, and something I wrote some time ago about walking in the Valley of the Shadow, as you are now.
The sea-wall
I went for a walk in the sunshine, and as I walked I thought about an ending, and it seemed to me that something is coming to an end, but I don’t know what. I thought I will wait and see.
Then the angels showed me a picture.
I am a sea-wall
And I hold back the tide.
Once there was a long, shelving beach
And the sea was far away.
Once there were breakwaters,
But the breakwaters and the sand are gone,
Washed away long ago.
Now there is just me and the sea,
And the storms which come and go.
And the waves whisper to me;
‘Give in, lie down and rest a while,
why should you have to be so strong?
Why should you work so hard?
Who thanks you for standing here,
And keeping us at bay?
Let us pass over you;
Lie down and rest a while.’
Then the angels point inland
There are churches and people singing,
There are schools and children at play,
There are people living their lives
Without even knowing I am here
Even when they look towards me
They only see the sea, never the wall.
And because they fear the sea
They quickly look away
And pretend it is not there.
They never come near.
They never see me.
I am invisible, but I can see.
The angels show me and I can see.
I see that if – finally – I fall,
The sea will gently reach and touch
The people singing, the children playing,
And it will not do them harm.
But if instead I choose to lie down
The storms will rush inland
And some of the people will drown;
Who knows how many people will drown.
So I stand, and say to the sea
‘No, here I am, and here I stay.
You may in the end make me fall,
But I will not lie down!’
The storms come and go,
They blow and they rage
And the waves rush over me;
I am drenched, I am drowned,
And each time I weaken a little bit more,
But - somehow - still I stand.
I don’t know why I must stand here
Or where the shelving sand has gone
Or why the storms can rage so fierce
Or whether I can stand for long.
But I know I am a sea-wall
And I hold back the tide.
And the angels smile,
And they stay with me.
-
but I'm just concentrating on existing right now.
-
but I'm just concentrating on existing right now.
You are doing well. We are beside you all the way.
One minute at a time.
((((((Write))))))
-
Greetings Write!
Surviving is so hard to do in such difficult times. I know how very tough it is to muster enough strength just to put one foot in front of the other. I've been there and is still there on a certain level. Please, Write, hang in there. Keep on surviving. Don't give up. You are a survivor, as you have proven yourself to be by having come this far. You are so much more than the sum of your heartaches. Don't let the N's in your life win over you by giving up on yourself.
Sending prayers your way,
Butterfly
-
and a big help.
A friend just called, she said I should pack a bag and just leave out if I can't cope with my situation any more. Pondering on this.
-
Whatever you decide, Write, we will support you.
Glad you have a friend that cares. :)
And glad you are thinking of action that will improve your situation.
Good for you Write!!
GFN
-
Dear Write,
Thinking of you tonight.
Please feel the love of everybody here, sending you strength and the belief in better days ahead.
Sincerely,
Lara.
-
Write:
I'm just reading your thread for the first time. I'm relieved that you are still posting and that you are contacting friends.
Like October said, take it one minute at a time. Hang in there. We are here for you.
Sending you prayers and good thoughts.
(((((write)))))
I can also be PM'd.
Mia
-
Write, I am actively taking steps to get away from the marriage and house I am in right now. I have realized that no matter how strong I am and how much support I have, I cannot tolerate this hostile situation forever. Each attack damages a little part of my spirit. Even though I know the words are untrue. Even though I know that I don't deserve to be treated this way. It is called an attack because it works. The only way I can heal and grow back to myself is to protect myself from the attacks by leaving the situation. I urge you to consider doing this if it makes sense for you. If you aren't able to do this right now, then get yourself as much support as you can until the option is possible for you. I'm glad you hung in there overnight.
-
Write:
Keep on keeping on. Please continue to post because we are here for you. Much love, Patz
-
Hi again Write,
As I was driving home from school today, I was thinking about the whole situation of how our lives and spirits can be so tainted by the evilness in the world. I have no idea if what I'm about to write have any bearing on your situation. If not, my apologies. But I just want to share my thoughts. So if you will, that's what I will do.
I guess I can only speak for myself about this, but anyway. Each one of us see our world through the mirror that we hold in front of us. What we see in our individual mirror is our reality and the only reality we have. Our whole being evolves around that reality. When we were born into this world, we were all given a perfectly intact mirror. A mirror in which we can see beauty and see ourselves as we truly are...beautiful. But, for some of us, ppl in our lives came along and cracked our mirror bit by bit. Some damages are deeper than others. Regardless, they put cracks in our mirror. They violated us by putting cracks on our mirror without our consent. They are at fault. How dare they violate someone else's property! So, many of us, grew up viewing ourselves through a broken mirror. All we saw were distorted images. Our worldview was distorted. Yet, to no fault of our own. The truth is, we are as wholesome and beautiful as when we came into this world. But, how can we see our true reflection thru a shattered mirror? The great news is that we can replace that damaged mirror with a perfectly intact one, as some of us are already doing. And it is free. We have that perogative. The question is, how badly do we want this new mirror? We got to want it bad enough that our soul aches for it. Otherwise, we won't get it. We can reclaim what is rightfully ours.
Yeah, it hurts so bad how some ppl treat us. It helps, when I allow myself to cry my soul out, cry like I've never cried before. Just to get it out of my system. It also helps me when I allow myself to feel so angry of all the ppl who have violated me by stealing my happiness away from me. Because what they did was blatantly wrong. The good news is that we can reclaim what was stolen from us, b/c it rightfully belongs to us. I know for me it helps to feel angry.
Write, would it help, if you allow yourself to feel angry, but not allow yourself to give up on yourself?? Why should you give those ppl who have hurted you the last laugh?? You can have the last laugh and make a fool of them all by not allowing their heartlessness toward you keep you down. They may have caused you to trip over and scrape yourself, but you can have the last laugh by not letting their mean spirit keep you down permanently.
I'm cheering you on :)
Butterfly
-
you are right, I am very angry at the way I've been treated.
And my way to try to not let it destroy me was to 'turn the other cheek', to try to be perfect.
What I didn't realise was that just opened me up to be abused again and again. I haven't set boundaries and have basically welcomed abusive people into my life.
I'm feeling very shaky but I think I'll be ok.
I feel bad for being this angry person and for telling people to get out of my life, but I know that self-preservation is something I have to learn.
I'll never keep anyone in my life again who hurts me or makes me feel bad.
-
Write,
I'll never keep anyone in my life again who hurts me or makes me feel bad.
You Go Girl! :twisted:
I'm so glad you're feeling a little better. I hope you felt all the prayers and good thoughts being directed your way. We are pulling for you and would never want to lose one of our own.
Make sure you keep us posted as we want to know that you're OK.
Brigid
-
I think I'll be ok
That's so good to hear.
Be kind to yourself for a while Write, and please still tell someone that you were contemplating suicide.
-
I'm so glad to hear that you will be okay :) Even if you're are not at this point, then that's ok, too. Personally, I think you will be more than okay. You are a conquerer. A resilient warrior :evil: :!:
Do you find allowing yourself to be angry helpful? For me, I use to hold in all my feelings and not allow myself to feel the pain b/c I felt I was at fault for whatever brought on my unhappiness. But now, I'm learning that giving my repressed pains a voice helps sooth my wounded spirit. For me, the aftermath feeling I get from being rightfully angry is like feeling the calm after a raging storm. It's a peaceful feeling. The calm after the storm, sort of speak.
Butterfly
-
Hi write,
And my way to try to not let it destroy me was to 'turn the other cheek', to try to be perfect.
We only have two cheeks right? Well, technically four but lets keep it clean. :roll: You were out of cheeks to turn a long time ago. Now its time to keep your cheeks and yourself safe from these abusers.
I feel bad for being this angry person and for telling people to get out of my life,
Please try and feel good for being angry. The one who said 'turn the other cheek' often got angry at evil. Being angry for a reason shows you're human. That's a good thing. Telling them to get out is also a good thing. It means your spirit for survival is getting stronger.
There are a lot of people on your side, who care.
And like Kaz said please tell someone you thought about suicide if you haven't already.
mudpup
-
Oh Write!
I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling a little better!
Keep yourself busy and don't let that cloud come back!
I hope you will post and post ....rant and rave if you need to...and just do whatever is necessary to continue feeling better. Keep talking to your friend, too, if you can.
I also hope, as others have said, that you will find someone to speak with about this stuff. Don't try to do it all alone. Get as much help as you can because it will only make you feel better, in the long run. Others who understand and want to support you are a good thing!
My prayers especially for you tonight.
I will be away for the week end, so I will extend that to ....this week end.
God Bless you ((((((((Write!)))))))
GFN
-
I am so glad you were all there for me last night and today.
I've booked a therapy appointment and also talked to some friends.
The suicidal feelings have passed, I feel exhausted and like I'm a bad person, and unbelievably guilty because I've hurt and let down other people- yes, I know that's crazy.
-
The suicidal feelings have passed, I feel exhausted and like I'm a bad person, and unbelievably guilty because I've hurt and let down other people- yes, I know that's crazy.
Thank goodness, to the first part! :D :D :D
Take care of yourself, good and innocent person, to the second part.
Please keep us posted on your progress.
mudpuppy
-
((((((((((((((((Write)))))))))))))))))
I'm so happy you are taking care of yourself and reaching out.
I don't think those feelings you have are crazy...they are just leftover baggage from all the abusive messages you have been given in your life. I'm glad you are questioning them though! :)
Learning
-
I feel bad for being this angry person and for telling people to get out of my life, but I know that self-preservation is something I have to learn.
I'll never keep anyone in my life again who hurts me or makes me feel bad.
Anger is GOOD, Write!!! You have every right to be angry with those horrible people---you're standing up for yourself by not allowing these destructive forces to remain in your life. You're too valuable!!!! This is GREAT news--you have taken a huge step in a positive direction. Please seek-out your friends---surround yourself with loving, caring people this weekend, and steer clear of anyone who does not have your well-being first and foremost in their hearts. And please, seek the help of a caring professional(even if you're feeling better---let's build on this momentum).
Please keep posting over the weekend---I am keeping you close in my thoughts and prayers.
PQC
-
I am so glad you were all there for me last night and today.
I've booked a therapy appointment and also talked to some friends.
The suicidal feelings have passed, I feel exhausted and like I'm a bad person, and unbelievably guilty because I've hurt and let down other people- yes, I know that's crazy.
write, it isn't crazy. There are reasons you view and believe things the way you do. With support and a good therapists help you can figure out those reasons and choose different ways to do things. Of course, all of this does NOT mean any of that nasty self-talk is true. "Bad" people simply do not admit their weaknesses and reach out to others for help, support and caring the way you have. I also know that realizing this doesn't just make those feelings go away, either. I look at what you've done as the most loving thing anyone could possibly do to take care of write. Still have you in my prayers.
-
write:
So glad you are posting to keep us updated. When you stand up for yourself it is an alien feeling. It is something you probably haven't done before. Just seek out postive people who want only the best for you. There is no need for servitude to people at any level. Also glad to see you are seeking out a therapist. I see nothing but progress ahead. We are here for you.
Patz
-
write, I hope you had a better evening last night.
write:
So glad you are posting to keep us updated. When you stand up for yourself it is an alien feeling. It is something you probably haven't done before. Just seek out postive people who want only the best for you. There is no need for servitude to people at any level. Also glad to see you are seeking out a therapist. I see nothing but progress ahead. We are here for you.
Patz
Patz, it IS such an alien :mrgreen: feeling to stand up for yourself. I question myself every single time I defend my boundaries or take action that is good for me. :( Fortunately, I talk myself back into being OK. :) It helps to remind myself that what I've done in the past that felt like the "right" thing to do has worked out pretty crappy. :evil: I need to do something different to get different, hopefully much better, results.
-
The suicidal feelings have passed, I feel exhausted ...
Try to rest as much as you can. This is an exhausting thing to go through, and it will have taken a lot out of you. Well done for being so strong!!!!!
I am really pleased you made it through, and that you have found support.