Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Anonymous on April 19, 2005, 06:31:27 PM
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This may be a suicide note.
I don't see the point in going on any more. Everyone has deserted me--husband, mother, therapist, sisters. I don't have any friends. I am extremely unattractive, and at 41, I doubt this will change. I know that I'll always be alone, and I'm not sure I'm up to it.
I suppose the end comes when we accept that nothing will ever be different. I couldn't have children, so I can't stay here for them. My husband would be better off without me. He would grieve, but then he would find someone and settle down and have a family. How do I know this? He has told me so. Nor do I have any religious faith to stop me.
Be kind to each other. Thanks for the help you have given me.
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Don't hurt yourself. Please email Richard Grossman, call a suicide hotline, keep posting here. But don't do it. I know you feel there is no hope but we can hold the hope for you right now. You don't have to feel it. Just don't hurt yourself, please.
bunny
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I'm very sorry I posted this. I tried to delete it but could not.
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You can only delete a post if you signed in. Anyway, keep posting even if it's just to say anything.
bunny
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Guest,
There are people here who will be your friends, unconditionally.
There are also a lot of people here who have felt exactly what you are feeling right now, including me.
Maybe if you talked to some of us who have been through it too, you would see things differently.
Maybe there is hope from some place that you haven't thought of. Like bunny said perhaps a hotline, or Dr. Grossman. Just tell us more here and let us listen to you.
mudpuppy
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Don't be sorry you posted! Please keep communicating!
Please tell us that you will keep talking, and keep trying. I agree with Mudpup-- we have all felt this way. I promise. It is not inevitable that you will always feel this way-- in fact, it is inevitable that you will feel better.
Please do not hurt yourself, please call someone, get out of the house, go for a walk, anything.
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Guest, we need you here. Please don't leave us. We want to share your sorrows and help you find a way through to joy, as one of us, as we all share sorrow and joy here together.
Please keep posting, please don't give up. I've been suicidal too, and near death more than once from other causes, and I'm so glad I'm still here... I promise you'll feel the same way. Hang in there. Don't leave us.
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"I suppose the end comes when we accept that nothing will ever be different"
NO!!! The beginning comes when we accept that anything is possible....and everything could be different if we accept that it can be.
PLEASE don't lose hope. This planet is a lovely place....darkness is JUST before dawn.....I think everyone here believes this to be true, having seen it ourselves....or at least glimmers of the light. It's there.
Talk to someone, keep posting. Don't give up.
Sending you light and love.
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Hi Guest,
Many people on this board have experienced suicidal despair--and they know that help is available. Their suggestions are good: visit your local emergency room or call a suicide hotline.
And of course you can e-mail me at ragrossman@voicelessness.com.
We all care,
Richard
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I appreciate all of your kind thoughts.
I have spent my entire life believing that some day things will be better. I don't anymore. I'm sorry, everybody. I just don't know if I can live in a space this small. And there is so little reason for me to stay.
I married the wrong man for the wrong reasons. We fell into each other's arms out of mutual fear that no one else would have us. We got married out of relief.
He does not hear me. If I try to speak, he explodes and then denies his own words. What am I supposed to say to that? I'm starting to feel not just alone but insane. Do I hallucinate what he says?
I guess there has to be a breaking point. I told my therapist that I felt like he (the therapist) didn't listen to me, that he was so busy defending his image of himself as a compassionate person that he wasn't actually, you know, compassionate. It was like talking to my husband. He said, "I didn't hear you asking me to listen." And five minutes later he denied having said that. Then he started saying, "Tell me when. Tell me exactly when I didn't listen to you." I felt cornered and trapped. I just stopped talking and waited until I could leave. He didn't say, "Tell me how you felt when you perceived that I wasn't listening to you" or something like that. He could have said a lot of things without turning into my husband. But he didn't.
And now I feel like I can't even buy someone who'll listen to me. I have a long history of being invisible in my family. I don't want anybody to look at me, so I walk with my eyes on the ground. But 41 years is a long time to do that. I know that no one--not the man I married, not the person whose job it is to help me, not the people I'm related to--will hear me. And I don't know how to cope 20 or 30 years of knowing that.
We sign living wills saying that we don't want extraordinary measures used to keep us alive if there's no chance of recovery. I wonder if this isn't much the same thing.
Anyway, thank you all. As I said, it was wrong of me to post here. You were all very kind.
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Guest, I just want to add my voice. At one point in my life I too felt like the pain was too much and there was nothing I could do to change it. I made a choice to keep trying and my life has been better every single day since then. Keep posting here. If you have read other posts then you know there are many deeply loving, supportive, insightful and wonderful people here. You are welcome here.
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Guest,
It is not wrong of you to post here. It is a cry for help and we are hearing it and responding to it. You do have so much to live for even though you are not seeing it right now. Please call someone or a suicide hotline and seek the help and support you need right now. I have felt the pain you are feeling, but I got through it and am now so glad to wake up each day. We really do care about you.
Brigid
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I have one more things to say.
I want someone to hear me that I am sad about not having children. I've tried to talk to my mother, my sisters, my therapist. I want somebody to tell me that I didn't commit any unpardonable sin, that it wasn't my fault, that I'm absolved. I want my husband to take his eyes off the television long enough to talk about at least this.
As my childbearing years draw to a close, I am forced to confront this. I feel like a defective freak. So many of the things that make women women just never happend to me. My mother used to cry because it was so hard to be my mother. I've spent my whole life apologizing for being alive.
I can't apologize any more. I'm out of apologies.
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Guest,
You are not beyond the point of being able to have children. Even if you can't give birth to a child, there are so many children in need of loving homes just waiting to be adopted. I adopted my daughter when I was 38 and she is such a joy and a blessing. She is now 16 and I can't imagine my life without her. Please consider the love you have to give to a child and make that your reason to live.
Brigid
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Guest,
I had a therapist who wouldn't listen to me either. She kept talking about herself. I pointed it out to her and she kept doing it. In fact she got worse. I even emailed some therapist on the internet to ask him for advice (not Dr. Grossman). I received no reply and felt like an idiot. I was scared to leave this therapist because she'd get angry with me. Plus I was dependent on her. Bottom line, I finally left her because I needed help and she wasn't giving it. I'm now seeing someone who is helping me. There are other therapists out there.
I am 47 and have no children. Okay, I didn't try to have them but there is still a feeling of loss and emptiness. I'm still going to keep living because there are other children for me to love.
Your husband sounds scared to death and it's not about you!!!
keep posting,
bunny
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Guest, we have much in common. I just posted, but I see too many similarities between our stories that I am going to post again.
I have spent my entire life believing that some day things will be better. I don't anymore. I'm sorry, everybody. I just don't know if I can live in a space this small. And there is so little reason for me to stay.
Guest, it sounds like you are depressed. I recognize it because I was too. Do you know what depression is? It is when you have been miserable and stressed for so long that your brain runs out of some important chemicals. That can be changed. If your brain does not have enough of these chemicals right now, it is physically impossible for you to feel happy or hopeful right now. You are avaluable and wonderful person, maybe you just can't "feel" like it right now.
I married the wrong man for the wrong reasons. We fell into each other's arms out of mutual fear that no one else would have us. We got married out of relief.
ditto my wife. Fear of abandonment sucks.
He does not hear me. If I try to speak, he explodes and then denies his own words. What am I supposed to say to that? I'm starting to feel not just alone but insane. Do I hallucinate what he says?
I have a very long thread talking about exactly this in my marriage. You are not insane. You did not hallucinate. He explodes to avoid hearing you and then he denies to avoid hearing or seeing himself. He is too terrified to listen. He isn't able to care for you in the way you need. You deserve to be cared for in the way you need.
I guess there has to be a breaking point. I told my therapist that I felt like he (the therapist) didn't listen to me, that he was so busy defending his image of himself as a compassionate person that he wasn't actually, you know, compassionate. It was like talking to my husband. He said, "I didn't hear you asking me to listen." And five minutes later he denied having said that. Then he started saying, "Tell me when. Tell me exactly when I didn't listen to you." I felt cornered and trapped. I just stopped talking and waited until I could leave. He didn't say, "Tell me how you felt when you perceived that I wasn't listening to you" or something like that. He could have said a lot of things without turning into my husband. But he didn't.
I would ask if you had called your T on emergency to tell him that you are feeling suicdal. After reading this, maybe you could try Dr. Grossman or a hotline. There are many people who care. I recently fired my T because he seemed to be stuck in his own stuff and wasn't being helpful. I found someone who is much better for me. What T would say that you didn't "ask" them to listen? Whad kind of person would even say that? What an idiot!! :evil: Maybe this is a decision point, rather than a breaking point? You can decide not to put up with bad treatment from now on and insist on being valued as you deserve.
And now I feel like I can't even buy someone who'll listen to me. I have a long history of being invisible in my family. I don't want anybody to look at me, so I walk with my eyes on the ground. But 41 years is a long time to do that. I know that no one--not the man I married, not the person whose job it is to help me, not the people I'm related to--will hear me. And I don't know how to cope 20 or 30 years of knowing that.
We hear you. We hear each other.
We sign living wills saying that we don't want extraordinary measures used to keep us alive if there's no chance of recovery. I wonder if this isn't much the same thing.
Anyway, thank you all. As I said, it was wrong of me to post here. You were all very kind.
As long as you are alive there IS hope. Don't act out your feelings of hopelessness. Look in a different place for ears to hear you. Speak to us.
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came to the same conclusions, hit rock bottom.
Reach out and people will be there for you like they were for me.
I called a crisis line one night for an hour until the worst of it passed; do it, don't give up.
Keep posting, people do care and you will get through this.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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((((((((((Guest))))))))))
Please don't give up. We do hear you, and you didn't have to rent us... we were all here waiting for you. Please check in with us, please go to an ER or call a hotline tonight if it's just too much to bear, or email Dr. G - he answers emails, Guest, he's answered mine.
We are here for you, and we are concerned about you, and we do want you to come through this OK. We care.
And dear one, I can't have children either... several of us here do know that pain very intimately... you aren't alone, truly. Let us be with you.
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Guest, if you want to talk, we’re here.
I’ve got some ideas for you if you want them. Sorry I missed you last night. P
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Guest! You're therapist sounds utterly irritating! And incompetent.
The first thing to do is to fire this poor insecure guy and get someone else. I mean, really, the way he was asking you for some sort of validation and then that he got defensive (!!!!) the one thing therapists should never get. Bleah.
[Warning: sexist comment follows]: For your new therapist, I would get a woman. Not because male therapists are worse, but [warning: speaking just for myself here!] women understand our own situations better. I tried to talk to a very wonderful male therapist about wanting children, feeling badly I had never married, not being able to find the right love relationship, and he was just an utter blank-- he just told me what I had going for me. When I tried to talk to him about adopting a child on my own it was clear he thought I was nuts. I felt dismissed, even though I think it's just that we were from different planets.
As women we face these biological clocks that are stressful beyond understanding. It just isn't fair that we live so long now but our fertility hasn't kept pace. I know how you feel about this-- it has driven my life for the last two years. And I know that many people are just not open to talking about it. I always found that demoralizing, too, just really tough to deal with when you feel so vulnerable.
My choice was to have a child on my own. I am not saying you should do that, just that different choices happen. And one thing I am realizing now is that it honestly (honestly!) does not matter if you carry the child yourself. Not a bit. Because even if you do carry the child, it is very clearly from the first moment it's own being, nothing to do with you. You love it because you are in charge of it, that's all.
Please keep posting. I'm sorry you feel so lonely.
I also agree with Longtire that sometimes brain chemistry gets confused and needs some help to crawl out-- it can be short-term help, but it is invaluable. Your general pratitioner can talk to you abou tthat.
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Dear guest
I am just reading your post now. I apologize for not getting to it sooner.
I pray that you are doing better today. If you aren't, I would urge you to go to the hospital (screening center) and speak to someone.
We do care here and would like to see you posting.
Hope to hear from you very soon.
Mia
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Dear Guest,
What Mia said. I came here today to look for you first thing. Hope you are OK, please get in touch and let us know how it's going.
There's someone here who's gone through the fire in pretty much every way possible, and we're all a little browned at the edges but we all believe it has an end and that we will reach the coolness on the other side.
We'll stand with you and help you on the way. We're here.
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Welcome Guest:
Please add my name to the list of people who are sorry they missed your thread until now and who are here for you and want to support you.
I don't want anybody to look at me, so I walk with my eyes on the ground.
Some of the people in your life, the situations, the experiences, etc have given you the impression.....the very deep impression, which you believe to be true.....that you are not worthy.
Not worthy of love.
Not worthy of children.
Not worthy of friendships.
Not worthy of even being looked at.
But Guest.......these are lies!!! Evil lies!!! :evil: :evil:
Bold and totally worthless lies, useless, wrong lies!!!
You are just as worthy of love as any other person on this earth. You just haven't met the right person to share your love with yet.
You are just as worthy of children, even if you have not had your own. Maybe some will come into your life? Maybe you'll decide to adopt? Maybe you'll decide that you don't want to adopt but that you can give your love to children by volunteering some place?(Is there an organization called: "Big Sisters" in your area? For girls who can benefit by the experience of a relationship with an older female?) Who knows?
I know you are not feeling up to this right now.....but maybe later?
You are worthy of friends. Just as worthy as anyone. The fact that you don't have many may simply mean you haven't met them yet. You may still. You may need a puppy or a kitty or a lizard??? Do you have any pets?
You are worthy of being looked at and being looked at with respect and kindness and understanding and even.....admiration!! You just don't know it! Because the impressions you have internalized, even though they are lies, are dictating your thoughts.
Take charge Guest!!! Don't let the b@#$%^*rd's win!! The lies you have been told about not being worthy, even if they were only told to you incidiously, are still lies!! And they must be over ridden.
Beauty is what's on the inside, not just the outside. And in the eye of the beholder. I can already see that you have a beautiful way of sharing. Your words are so honest. You have tried so hard to express your deep sorrow and then......did you feel guilty for doing that? Unworthy??
You are allowed to express your sorrow here, Guest and we will hear you.
Not having babies is not your fault. You can't control it. If you didn't feel ready or wanting, that was the right thing to do then. If you tried and did not succeed, there is a logical physical reason and it might be for the best. Your marriage is not loving and your relationship would be better to be a good one, which would make it a much better place to raise a child, right? That's ok. That can change for the better. It really can!! You don't have to stay there!!! You are better off on your own than in a relationship that is making you so sad that you want to end it all!!
You can leave but you don't have to die going.
There may be no religious reason to stop you but there is a very important reason to stop you.......
You reached out here to all of us. We are reaching back. Some people have even lost a night of sleep worrying over you. Many are here, hoping, praying for you, wanting to help you and give you hope.
We here are asking to know you, to hear you, to be your cyber-friends, to support you, to encourage you, to give you whatever we can to keep you with us....to share with you..cry with you, laugh with you (and you might end up laughing if you hang around here long enough)...we want to know you Guest!
Are you still there Guest? Will you hear us? Please come back.
((((((((((((((((((Guest)))))))))))))))))))))
You are not alone. We are here, waiting.
GFN
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Well, night turned into morning, and I am here. I am even at work.
I spent a good part of last night in front of my computer, weeping tears of gratitude that there are people like you who will genuinely care about a stranger. I am humbled by your generosity of spirit.
I can't say that I'm "better." Right now, I don't even know what "better" means. But I do know that I'm not quite as certain as I was that there's no reason to stay in the world. That's something, anyway.
Bless you all.
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Oh Guest:
I am humbled by your generosity of spirit.
I am humbled by your will to survive!!!
Thankyou for coming back and trying so hard to hang on!!
Please keep doing that!
Bless you too, Guest. You will be constantly in my prayers now.
Keep posting. Did you speak with anyone....a doc....a hotline... at all?
Do you like your work? What are the people like there?
Hope today gets better and better for you! ((((((Guest)))))
GFN
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Also:
You are not a stranger Guest.
You are someone who has been deeply hurt.
You are one of us. You are welcome here and wanted.
Crying is a good release. :cry:
((((((((Guest)))))))
Hope you will keep posting Guest.
GFN
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Guest,
Of course you are better--you are still alive and even working. :P That is a long way from being "worse." Congratulations on hanging in and fighting the pain. You can be so proud of the strength that took.
Might I suggest you start a journal when you feel up to it. That way you can keep track of each day--the good and not-so-good parts. But over time, the good will outweigh the not-so-good and the dips won't be as deep or for as long. You begin to anticipate those things which will make you sad or angry so you can get your armour on and be ready to take them on.
There are some really wonderful people here who will help you through this. As GFN put it
We here are asking to know you, to hear you, to be your cyber-friends, to support you, to encourage you, to give you whatever we can to keep you with us....to share with you..cry with you, laugh with you (and you might end up laughing if you hang around here long enough)
Bless you,
Brigid
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Dear Guest,
Do you believe that you are on this earth for a good reason. Perhaps, you don't know what it is b/c the gray clouds of despair are so overwhelming. Guest you are meant to be here and meant to post your feelings on this board. YOU ARE NOT A MISTAKE, AND CERTAINLY YOUR POSTING WAS NOT A MISTAKE! This may be an odd question. But, would you allow someone to murder somebody else, or think that's okay? Would you condone that action? If not, why would you want to commit murder on yourself?? What if the punishment on the other end for life takers is far worse than the pain you are feeling on this earth? The "what if" is a scary question, indeed. But, would you know the consequences of the outcome of your action? Are you willing to take that chance?? I wouldn't, for that very reason...if for nothing else.
I'm soooo sorry for sounding harsh and insensitive. But, I think this question has to be address by you. This action for which you have planted into your mind is very serious and causes irreversible damage and consequences. Do you believe in life after death, Guest? If not, what if there is life after death? We don't know for sure if there is. Are you willing to take that chance?
Please, please...know that the blue sky is much bigger than the gray cloud hovering over you. Even if all you see is the gray clouds, the blue sky is right above it. It's just a matter of focus, Guest.
Please, keep posting. Please, don't leave us in the dark. Just b/c you can't see your worth at the present moment, doesn't mean you are not worthy. You are too worthy and valuable to have your life ended in such a manner. This is the truth! Please, guest...don't let deception win over you. You are stronger than all the deception that have been introduced into your life.
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Hiya Guest :D , I’m Portia, very good to meet you and hey, you’re still here - fantastic :D , wonderful :D , coooool 8) beyond words! I was worried we might have lost you. Thank you, thank you for posting again, it made me feel happy, yes, it did. :D
Many things are better than nothing, and nothing is what death is. Just nothing. Not the end to pain necessarily (it hurts to end life), once it’s done that’s it, there’s nothing (in my opinion, I’m not religious). So what’s the logical reason for doing it?
Wouldn’t it be more interesting to: ………… :?: (imagine the possibilities….)
Hey, how about you tell me your possibilities (and compared to death, many things become possible) and I’ll tell you mine. How about it? Gotta go soon, but I’ll be back tomorrow. Big hug for (((((((((Guest)))))))))
Portia (female, 43, no kids, in England)
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Dear Guest,
Thanks for letting us know that you're hanging in there and at work. That's good news. Keep us posted, we care.
bunny
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Dear Guest,
I spent a good part of last night in front of my computer, weeping tears of gratitude that there are people like you who will genuinely care about a stranger.
You are not a stranger to me. I know you because we have shared the same dark place. That makes you my friend, in my book.
There are a lot of people here who want to be your friend. I have made a lot of friends here in just a short time. And they're just as real and loving and supportive as any friend in your own home. Only better because they feed themselves and they don't use your bathroom. :wink:
Please keep posting and let us know how you are.
mudpuppy
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Dear Guest,
Hi, my name is Lara and I'm in England. I've just got home from work and the VERY BEST thing in my day was to check in here on my computer and to know that you are still with us.
I hope that you can feel the love that everyone here is sending to you. We don't want you to leave, because already, from reading your posts,everyone can tell that you are a valuable, lovable person, and somebody that we would like to keep in touch with.
I really admire your courage in getting yourself through the night and out to work today. Hold on tight, and the great people on this board can help to pull you through the dark days, and onto a more hopeful time.
Sending you love and strength,
Lara.
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Dear Guest,
I am also sorry that I did not see your post and write sooner. I want to tell you that as I read through the thread I was very heartened to see that you came back and let everyone know that you are one brave woman. See, you are already seeing the survival instincts in yourself. That's wonderful.
I do not post often, but I do read this board b/c the warmth and intelligence and caring that resides here is second to none. Stick around, okay?
Guest, there is so much to live for. We need you so much. There are so many people and so many causes that need you. For now, just know that we care about you. I have never been suicidal, but I have had many dark days and the sadness and despair was so great I did not know if my heart would survive the pain. I have my beloved fur children, Guest, do you have any pets?
Please know I am thinking of you, Friend.
You have started your path to healing.
((((Guest))))
New Day
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:D :D :D :D
Guest: You made my day.....just knowing you have decided to stick around another day! I admire your courage, your willingness to accept love.....hey, two things that come in might handy for creating the life you want!!!
Keep posting. This is a healing place. I hope you are still going to seek out a different therapist (like every profession.....some of them are awful).
Nice to hear from you!!!
Mum
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Dear Guest,
I just logged onto this thread and am so grateful you are still with us. I pray you receive comfort, grace, love, mercy and compassion. I am familiar with the darkness of hopelessness. I trust you will see some more light soon. Surely, you are a loving, sensitive and thoughtful person. Can you love yourself today even if those around you are unable. From what I've read, you are deserving of love and care. :)
I hope you are able to find a therapist that can truly help you. Healing isn't easy but I'm beginning to believe it will be worth it.
Take care. (((((Guest)))))
Chutzbagirl
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Dear Guest,
I am so sorry that I came upon your post belatedly. Please hang in there.
Where do your feelings of "defectiveness" come from(re: not having borne children)? I only ask because it seems to me that these feelings might be a result of other people having projected their own myopic(and not necessarily appropriate)attitudes onto you.
Guest, I, too am a childless, married female (and your contemporary re: age)----you aren't alone. I don't know if anyone has ever said this to you, point-blank, but please know that it is NOT your moral or biological imperative (or mine, or anyone else's for that matter) to reproduce, simply because you are a female of a certain age or station in life. I don't understand why society places this kind of pressure on women--it is unrealistic and unhealthy. Your worth is NOT wrapped-up in whether or not you can carry another human being inside of you to full gestation.
I have told some of my friends(many of whom are childless, I might add) that I satisfy any maternal instincts I might have through teaching children. One of my friends is a "Big Sister," one volunteers as a tutor to needy children in her town, one teaches Sunday School class...the possibilities are many.
Guest, is some of your pain a manifestation of sadness at not having an outlet for the love and caring you have to offer?(does that make sense?) That doesn't sound like someone who is "unworthy of love"(and who is to decide whether or not someone is worthy of love in the first place?)! Maybe the people with whom you've been involved are just not able(for whatever reasons) to receive what you have to give, and maybe you just need to keep looking for the right "recipients"(but WITHOUT a self-imposed time constraint).
Please don't give up, Guest----the world would be a much lesser place without you in it. Keep reaching-out here, because this is a safe and supportive place, and many of us understand the feelings you are experiencing.
Sending you strength---
PQC
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Amen, PQC! There are so many ways to live a life, to give love.
Guest (I almost wrote Quest, which might be a good nickname), I am so glad to hear you are at work today. Please do keep posting. We have a lot of ladies in their forties here (myself included!) and most (maybe all) of us are lacking whatever society says is the perfect situation. Not that anyone really has that anyway, life being as changeable as it is.
At any rate, I send you good wishes and some of the angels that people here have been so kind to send my way. They do seem to be helping me (I guess they are skilled angels).
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Dear Guest,
Glad you found the courage, strength and grace to hang in there.
((((())))))
2cents
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Hi Guest:
I just came in and hopped on the computer and went right for your thread. I'm soooo happy that you made it through the night and went to work.
Believe it or not you were in my thoughts today and I was hoping that you would post again. I am thankful that you are hanging on.
We're here for you.
God Bless.
Mia
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Oh Guest!
((((((((((Guest))))))))))
I'm so glad you're still here and fighting to keep your chin up... welcome, please keep coming back, and post, and tell us what you need and want, as you have been, and we'll support you and share what we've learned and found, as we have been.
And we all move forward together, one step at a time, one day at a time. And sometimes we stop to rest and collect our thoughts, and that's OK too.
I am so relieved that you checked in with us today! ((((((((((Guest))))))))))
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Not trying to hijack the thread, but just wanted to say hi to 2 cents. I have missed reading your words of wisdom. I often think of the comments you made to me when I'm struggling with the anger and resentment. If all goes well tomorrow with the mediation, hopefully I can just move on.
I hope all is well with you.
Brigid
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Hey Bridid,
Don't wanna hijack the thread either, but just wanted to say thank you so much for thinking of me. I think of you too, and I'm so so glad to hear how well you're doing! I'm kinda shy so I don't post much but I check in every day to see how you guys are doing. :oops: Thank you thank you thank you for thinking of me,
((((((((Guest)))))))))
((((((((Brigid)))))))))
2cents
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2 cents,
Its comforting to know you're there. I'm sure you'll post when you need to impart those words of wisdom.
((((((2 cents))))))
Brigid
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Hello Guest,
I'm so glad to hear you are hanging in there :!: :D I hope you will continue to feel the genuine care ppl have for you on this board, as I have. As you already found out, this is a wonderful sanctuary to lay down your burdens and get lots of support and acceptance. You are no longer a stranger to this board, but a welcomed fellow traveler. 8) Happy to have you joined us. :D
Sending warm thoughts your way,
Butterfly
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Hello guest...I am so happy to see you posted again today and you are back at work. I read your original post and wanted so badly to reply but just froze since I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing. Yes, I have some self-esteem issues! I knew I would reply when I could and just tonight I was listening to a song that still brings tears to my eyes. The lyrics (roughly) are: How did you get so lonely, how did you get so sad, how did you get so lonely and nobody knew. So I am writing to you to tell you that now I know and my heart is with you. From what you have said so far, I can tell you grew up in and have lived in very similar ways that most of us on this board have. When you grow up that way or live with people who are narcissistic, their very beings depend on how much they can control you, your thoughts, and most importantly, your spirit. Maybe they can't help it....who knows. But I just cried when you said you were "unattractive". Somebody has done a number on you. When you look in the mirror, please don't see what someone else has told you. I don't care if you have three eyes, no hair, whatever. You are not unattractive. That's just what someone has made you feel. I hesitate to bring this up but my brother committed suicide three years ago and it was directly because of the messages he had received all his life from very self-absorbed people. He was brilliant, good-looking and kind. Because he had received so many messages that he was only OK if he supported someone else's projections of who he should be, I think he could find no other answer. But, he was also programmed not to trust anyone else other than my mother who only wanted him to make her look good. Sometimes, we have to take a leap of faith and we have to leap when we are in the lowest of moments or in the most despair. And we have to leap toward someone who cares...I mean really cares. You found this place on the internet and I (and I suspect most everyone else here) care in the sense that we don't know what you look like, did yesterday, did ten years ago. We/I just care about what you are doing right now and what you will do tomorrow. I think all of us want to impart some strength to you to trust. Take a leap of faith and keep talking to us. Trust is knowing that although you don't have an answer at this moment, the answer is coming and it will come in many ways because you have had the strength to reach out. By reaching out you were and are very brave although you may not see it that way right now. You really have courage. Reaching out takes courage and I don't think you are ready to leave us right now. Keep talking and I will keep listening. And as for having children....your regrets tell me that you are sad you have not had children but they also tell me you are a very caring and nurturing person....just for a few moments or a few minutes, turn this caring and nurturing toward yourself....just a little bit every day and I think that reflection in the mirror will change. You'll see what you have to offer not only to others but to yourself and you'll start that wonderful journey of meeting who you really are. It worked for me! Take care....
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Hi Guest, glad to see you here with us. Do whatever you need to do to make it through and take care of yourself in any way that helps right now.
((((((Guest))))))
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Hello Guest,
Thanks for your honest, heartwrenching, vulnerable and daring post.
It takes real guts to reach out like you did, much more bravery than
suicide would be. THis is a safe place. I come here to read posts but
don't post often.
I am a 50 year old woman whose N parent told me
that I wasnt emotinally stable enough to have children. I took their
advice and sometimes regret it. I now know they are were just projecting their own dislike of having children. I sometimes feel desperate pain
about all the lost years when I spent most of my time doubting myself.
You are not alone. I too had a N husband and numerous N boyfriends.
There is hope in finding out all about them and how to avoid them.
At least half of all therapists are Narcissists. Please try to find one who
is not, and who can validate you.
What stops me from suicide is not wanting the N's to get the better of me.
They are not worth running from. Better to try and ignore them. Seek out
your own bliss, even if you are alone. My best companions in life have
been my hobbies, pursuits, books, interests. I hope that you can find some relief in my post. If not just disregard.
We all speak from our own experience, and each one of us is different.
And valuable. That includes you.
Your writing is powerful. Maybe try writing poetry?
Reaching a hand back to you.
Another Guest
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I am so glad you made it through another day. Thank you for being honest enough to post on this site.
You did bring up something that resounds with me. As my years of childbearing are closing, I have found other ways to celebrate children.
I have become an "auntie" to ever so many kids. We go out for ice cream, we swing in the park. They discuss things they would never discuss with their parents. A lot of my kids call me their second mother.
As someone who desperately wanted children, I do now have them. And you know what? ? ? ? Everyone of them is a special gift of joy to me. . . and when I think suicidal thoughts, just the thought of their faces bring me back.