Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: just a guest on April 21, 2005, 10:05:11 PM
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I wonder if anyone here has ever felt their life was so paralyzed by depression at one time that they can't move on?
I feel like a lone traveler trudging in the desert, feeling so lost and disconnected from myself...my emotions, my spirit. I've managed to emotional distance myself from everyone in my life, most of all, from myself. Everything in my life is affected, esp. my work performance. I just don't have the drive and energy anymore to live my life. I'm just merely surviving, feeling so alone and hopeless.
From what I've read of what many people wrote about therapy, I wonder how it has helped you get from point A to point B in your life? I think the best thing to do for myself is quick my job and move across the country and start over again. If that's ever possible. Or quick what I'm doing and focus on finding ways to heal myself. I wonder what has worked for people on this board.
Thank you for listening to my sob story....
Desert Rain
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Boy Desert Rain, this sounds familiar.
I wonder if anyone here has ever felt their life was so paralyzed by depression at one time that they can't move on?
Yes, I could not sleep even though I was phsycially, mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausted. Literally exhausted with no resources left. I couldn't eat, couldn't drive, couldn't work. "Moderate" Major Depression. Moderate my a$$! I promised myself that I would never let myself go back there again. Are you getting enough sleep? Taking meds to sleep and for depression? Seeing a good therapist? All these help to put the chemicals back in your brain and the energy back into you. This is what I wrote recently on another thread:
Guest, it sounds like you are depressed. I recognize it because I was too. Do you know what depression is? It is when you have been miserable and stressed for so long that your brain runs out of some important chemicals. That can be changed. If your brain does not have enough of these chemicals right now, it is physically impossible for you to feel happy or hopeful right now. You are avaluable and wonderful person, maybe you just can't "feel" like it right now.
I feel like a lone traveler trudging in the desert, feeling so lost and disconnected from myself...my emotions, my spirit. I've managed to emotional distance myself from everyone in my life, most of all, from myself. Everything in my life is affected, esp. my work performance. I just don't have the drive and energy anymore to live my life. I'm just merely surviving, feeling so alone and hopeless.
You took a very courageous step to reach out to us here! As for distancing from yourself and others, I think this is a defining feature of depression, not of you. Keep talking.
From what I've read of what many people wrote about therapy, I wonder how it has helped you get from point A to point B in your life? I think the best thing to do for myself is quick my job and move across the country and start over again. If that's ever possible. Or quick what I'm doing and focus on finding ways to heal myself. I wonder what has worked for people on this board.
As I said above, I needed sleeping meds and anti-depressants to get my body and brain (somewhat) back in balance. I needed therapy to change my behaviors where I was stressed and miserable so my brain would not run out of chemicals again.
Thank you for listening to my sob story....
Anytime.
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I feel like a lone traveler trudging in the desert, feeling so lost and disconnected from myself...my emotions, my spirit. I've managed to emotional distance myself from everyone in my life, most of all, from myself. Everything in my life is affected, esp. my work performance. I just don't have the drive and energy anymore to live my life. I'm just merely surviving, feeling so alone and hopeless.
I can tell you from very recent (perhaps ongoing) experience that you are not alone. The people here literally talked me down from the ledge. So I can say with all sincerity that this is a good place for you to have found.
That feeling of disconnection is very real and almost impossible to describe to someone who hasn't felt it. I know it well. And I know how it creeps into every corner of your life, paralyzing all your muscles: the work muscles, the relationship muscles, the joy muscles.
For now, just know that you are not alone. I am very much where you are. So are others here, I think.
My thoughts are, and will be, with you.
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I don't think meds are not strong enough for me. I need a brain transplant. I wish that was an option.
Desert Rain
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Hi just a guest,
What's going on at work that is paralyzing you? (if that's the origin of it)
The way therapy helped me was to give me reality checks, reframed very distorted thinking, led me to question long-held distorted beliefs, built up my ego, got me the right medication, gave me emotional grounding/stability, was like having a halfway decent parent who wasn't going to need *me* to contain *their* emotional spillage.
keep posting and let us know what happened to you.
bunny
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Hi Desert Rain:
Welcome.
I need a brain transplant. I wish that was an option.
I often say something like this as a joke. But I know what you mean when you're serious about it too.
Talking helps. If you keep posting here, it will help. It helps to get your thoughts out infront of you where you can actually look at them and put them in some order or change your mind about them or decide to keep them. It helps to express your feelings instead of keeping them there alone, with only you and the desert dust to know them.
I like your name because it is so hopeful. Like rain in the desert, it gives what is needed by those that live there.
It's hard to keep trudging along when you feel so tired and lost (and baked by the desert sun). I like your idea of considering a new job or a move. Maybe that would be something to think about seriously sometime?
A fresh new start? Why not? Is there some reason you must remain where you are?
Just want you to know that you are not alone there in the smoldering sand. There is hope that life can be different for you. You are surviving and that is good. To be happy would be better, right?
What kinds of things make you feel happy or comfortable/ what do you enjoy? What do you like?
GFN
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I wonder if anyone here has ever felt their life was so paralyzed by depression at one time that they can't move on?
Yes, yes, yes. I just kept reaching out to people I felt maybe could understand. And, I remembered times in my past when I was content or happy. Intellectually, I said to myself that I was happy in the past and I will be happy in the future (maybe as soon as tomorrow!) and that today is just today. Reaching out is really the most important thing I did. And don't reach out just to one place...reach out to every place you can think of and the pieces will come together. I think posting here is great. You'll get a lot of affirmation for who you are and who you will beome...depression is the pits. It robs you of energy and takes away your normal vision of a future. Just keep talking...It will get better! You just need some listeners and from my experience, people listen here.
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Desert Rain,
I was there too. Recently. And I *hated* the idea of therapy. But there I was, on the edge. For some reason, I wasn't quite suicidal... but extremely depressed, anxious, stressed - I never slept through the night. I'd wake up, angry at something. Not even sure what... something. someone.
Anyways.. I went to a therapist. It was scary for me at first. She was incredible - it was really "crisis mode" for me then.. I just came and cried... and cried and cried. But you know what? a few things were amazing about the experience:
1) It was okay to talk about myself... all about myself.. not ask "how are you?" or worry if she was bored... many of us here aren't used to indulging in this way...
2) It really validated my feeling. I thought I was overreacting. nuts. wrong to feel the way I felt. She'd say things like "that clearly hurt you alot. I understand" and that would set my tears off .. just because she didn't argue with my emotions. Again, many of us were never allowed to "own" our feelings.
3) Ultimately, crisis mode ended and I slowly started building myself up. It gave me a small step to rise up above the depression. and from that vantage point, I could see the horizon.. and slowly started climbing.
I recently learned that ifyou could go up in an air balloon about 20 feet into the air, you can see 500 miles around. It inspired me - only a little height and you can see much farther.
Take care, DesertRain,
FlowerGirl
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Are you around today? How was the day? Let us know...
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so many of us feel the same.
And it's been a lonely journey until we realised that so mnay others have suffered the same.
This is a good safe place to let out your feelings!
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Hello Desert Rain,
I am sorry to hear how you feel.
One thing you need to understand is that clinical depression can be treated and that it is a *real* condition that is not of your making and that does require treatment such as meds and therapy. Do you think you may be clinically depressed? Many people (not sure if you are one) think depression is a sign of weakness or shame, and they try to hide it which makes it worse because it just keeps getting worse when it goes untreated. So you may want to see a doctor and find out if you are clinically depressed.
Insofar as feeling stuck and lost, I have been there, too, so you are not alone. Talking to someone helps to release the emotions. There may be a multitude of reasons for your depression and talking to someone helps you get "outside your head" if you know what I mean.
I had similar problems with my job, could not perform and did not care about anything. I was suffering so badly. In the past, I had always gone to work and used it as the "glue" of my life, but my experience with exN took me like a tidal wave.
When you are ready to reach out, which you have already done by posting so that's really wonderful, you will begin, even in a small way, to feel better because you are seeking an answer for your pain and you are doing something constructive for yourself. Keep posting. You are certainly not alone here.
New Day
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I recently learned that ifyou could go up in an air balloon about 20 feet into the air, you can see 500 miles around. It inspired me - only a little height and you can see much farther
Thanks, Flower Girl. I think I'm going to put that on my frig. What a great thought!
Dogbittles
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Hi, desert--
Add my voice to the list of those who (1) want you to feel better! and (2) have been where you are.
You mentioned wanting a brain transplant. Believe it or not, therapy and meds can provide that.... it is amazing.
One of the most insidious things about depression is that it makes everything look terrible. So therapy looks terrible, meds look terrible, going for a walk looks terrible, everything that might help looks terrible. The other insidious thing about it, at least for me, is that it makes it hard to move, kind of like walking through sludge. With a friend's help, I got myself through the sludge, sat in my doctor's office (just my regular general pratitioner) and told him I felt like my brain was made of dark clouds. He wrote me a prescription, I went to the pharmacist, and by THAT AFTERNOON the clouds had started to clear up. I have told this before here, but it just seems worthy of repeating :) By a couple of days later, for the first time in my life, there were no clouds. I had fantasies about putting the meds in the water supply (don't worry, I didn't)-- just the thought that people could be helped as I was and not know it filled me with empathy.
All of which is to say: the clouds are not you. You did not make them and are not less of a person because you have them. And you can be without them. The hopelessness you feel has nothing to do with reality, and everything to do with those dumb clouds. They are dishonest and confusing and they do not tell you anything true. Blow them away with a big giant fan.
As for therapy, I agree with everyone here that it is just a lifesaver. It is difficult to explain why. It has something to do with a combination of finally admitting that you are going to focus on yourself, and finding someone really helpful to provide support (when many of us never had that in our childhoods and secretly crave it). Just the hopefulness that therapy infuses me with is worth every minute of it-- this sense of "we are going to make this better! And maybe even totally fix it!" Wow. That is powerful.
And, for me (and maybe for you?) therapy was great because secretly I thought I was quite seriously flawed. When my therapists laughed at that statement, it was really helpful to see. My only flaw was thinking I was flawed, to paraphrase brother Longtire's quote.
Please keep posting. This is a very intelligent and articulate group that happens to consist of folks who have been where you are.
{{{{desert rain}}}}
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Oh, how I wish I can just blow them away with a big giant fan! My life would just be so much breezier.
I can't thank enough to everyone who have posted here. Very much needed and very much appreciated! My feelings have been suppressed for so many years, that it is a difficult task to dig them one by one and bring them to the surface. They will not be easy for me to articulate. But I know i have to start somewhere. My spirit has been mute for so long, that I don't know if it can find its voice to articulate clearly w/o confusion and w/o being understood and misexpressed by me. A wounded spirit who doesn't know how to mend herself just yet. I'm afraid this is going to be a long process, plz be patient with me.
From what I know of myself, I don't think i have clinical depression. I just feel so lost and disconnected within myself. I don't really know who I am anymore. Does anyone ever feel this way? I feel like a wandering lost soul. Happy...what does that mean?? I haven't been happy for so long, that I've forgotten what that word really means.
Desert Rain
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Desert Rain,
Like all the others, I have felt what you are feeling and wanted desperately for the pain to go away. I really wanted someone to put a needle in my arm and put me to sleep until all the painful stuff was over. Fortunately, I found a wonderful therapist and then got on meds to clear the fog, allow me to sleep, allow me to eat and be able to put one foot in front of the other (very difficult prior to the meds). Depression and anxiety is VERY disabling and when it hits you for the first time as it did to me when my H left me, you don't have a clue what is going on.
Feeling lost and empty is very common as well. When you have dealt with a difficult situation for awhile, you don't even realize how much of your spirit has been sucked out and eventually there is just a shell left. You must find a way to rebuild your spirit and you cannot do that alone. Coming here is very helpful, but one on one therapy will take you miles further. At least you need a professional to help diagnose your situation.
I pray you find what you need to stop sinking in the sand and come out of the fog. It is a truly horrible place to be.
God bless,
Brigid
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From what I know of myself, I don't think i have clinical depression.
I just feel so lost and disconnected within myself. I don't really know who I am anymore. Does anyone ever feel this way?
Yes, when I was depressed :) (smile for the connection between the quotes, not for the idea of being depressed).
You can have situational depression that stems from something going on short-term without having clinical depression. I think that the media give the wrong idea of how depression feels-- at least for me, it felt more like a disconnected fog than like sadness. It wasn't active enough of a feeling to feel sad-- sadness would have taken way more energy than I had! I honestly had no idea if I was really having serotonin problems until I got them fixed and felt so much better. I think that's just how it works-- the lack of serotonin doesn't feel like a lack so much as a state of being.
Anyway, don't worry about us being patient-- of course we will be. This won't all get fixed overnight for you. But I agree with everyone that therapy is the first line of defense, followed by a discussion of (short-term) meds to get those fans a-blowin'. And maybe a check-up with your doc-- things like anemia can make you feel this way, too.
Of course, it's up to you.
Hang in there! It will get better.
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Desert Rain,
While I was never diagnosed with depression (and thus defer to our friends who unfortunately have first-hand experience with it), I do want to respond to your note:
I feel like a wandering lost soul. Happy...what does that mean?? I haven't been happy for so long, that I've forgotten what that word really means.
I know how you feel. I really do. I found, for me, that I built from the small things - that was the only way I could re-learn it. So, try to think of something you enjoy. Smaller than a vacation to Tahiti. Smaller than tickets to a concert. Smaller than a day at the beach.
For me, it was 'eating an ice cream cone." or "watching my favorite cartoon". It seems silly - very very easy to achieve, right? you can flip on that tv right now. Or go to Baskin Robbins and stare at all those 31 flavors for 15 minutes, deciding between Rum raison and mint chip.
and so i did. And i did it, concentrating on what I was doing... wandering around manhattan with a chocolate dipped cone, talking to ever dog I ran into. It took - what - 30 minutes? but, that was all I did. no cell phones. no work. no internet message boards. :wink: And I was happy for 30 minutes. not even happy - content.
After a while, I realized I also love hugging dogs. and painting stuff. and baking stuff. and I slowly filled my day with more and more... I'm not there yet... but after my hour-long chat with my nMom, I am off to the gym (where I will read my fav book) and then to hug my favorite dog...
so, I guess if i could wish one thing for you today, it is that you experience that contentment for even a little bit of time. blow a bubble in your gum. Sing along to the radio. listen to the birds.... it doesn't have to last an hour.... but it may just put a smile on your face.
--FG
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From what I know of myself, I don't think i have clinical depression. I just feel so lost and disconnected within myself. I don't really know who I am anymore. Does anyone ever feel this way? I feel like a wandering lost soul. Happy...what does that mean?? I haven't been happy for so long, that I've forgotten what that word really means.
Yes, I often feel that way.
Everybody has a different definition of "happy." I think, for me, that it has a lot to do with feeling usefully engaged in life and feeling that I have a choice in what I do. To tell you the truth, I have far more days when I don't feel that way than when I do.
I think that for many of us, whether we are clinically depressed is a subjective judgment. I've never found it impossible to get out of bed, though I have spent whole days in my nightgown. I've never completely lost interest in life, though I have temporarily lost interest in my life. I think the worst is when your own life feels like a not-terribly-riveting movie. You watch it, and you say, "Oh, so that's what happens to her." It's all happening to somebody else, or happening at such a distance that you don't feel you could possibly affect any of it. At least, that's how it is for me.
And I've been through the medication thing. For me, it raised the floor, but it did nothing for the ceiling. I didn't feel like I was doomed, but I didn't feel any more hopeful, either. So eventually I stopped taking it, for a very specific (and some might say silly) reason: It left me unable to play the piano. My hands shook so badly that I couldn't control them well enough to play at any speed. I really enjoy playing, especially when I am depressed. I find that it fills my mind completely, crowding out my tendency to brood. For the three or four minutes it takes to play a Bach fugue, nothing else bothers me because there is no room for anything else. I wasn't willing to sacrifice that to Zoloft.
So I am sympathetic to your skepticism about whether the "label" fits you. I firmly believe I have dysthymia--chronic low-grade depression--but that's an uninteresting label. Nobody writes books about it, and it's resistant to medication. So, basically, I'm stuck with it. As a result, I just don't think about labels very much.
What do you enjoy? What turns you on? What gives you a feeling of satisfaction or accomplishment? Spend as much time as you can with those things.
And tell me about them, if you want to. I really want to know.
Sending you good thoughts,
daylily
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And I've been through the medication thing. For me, it raised the floor, but it did nothing for the ceiling. I didn't feel like I was doomed, but I didn't feel any more hopeful, either. So eventually I stopped taking it, for a very specific (and some might say silly) reason: It left me unable to play the piano. My hands shook so badly that I couldn't control them well enough to play at any speed. I really enjoy playing, especially when I am depressed. I find that it fills my mind completely, crowding out my tendency to brood. For the three or four minutes it takes to play a Bach fugue, nothing else bothers me because there is no room for anything else. I wasn't willing to sacrifice that to Zoloft.
Life without playing Bach would be a big test for me as well. Recently there have been some days where that has been the only positive thing in my day. I enjoy playing Bach's organ music the most.
((((((daylily))))))
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I can feel the genuineness behind all your words. They give me a nice warm feeling on the inside. :)
I could go for a mint chocolate chip ice cream right now. That would definitely give me a lift. :D
Daylily, the descriptions of happiness and your type of depression reflect how I feel about myself. I haven't had much free time to let my mind ponder on what makes my spirit dance. Thank you for gaving me something good to think about.
Sleeping is not a problem for me. I definitely know I don't have clinical depression. I could see how meds could help if I have a chemical imbalance, though.
I will attempt to describe one of the major causes of my depression. I hope I won't sound too confusing or too conclusive. You know how those who get fixated on food become obese and those who get overly fixated on alcohol become alcoholic; in my case, I also have an unhealthy fixation which resulted in my disconnection from my spirit and from deeply engaging in life. The thing with me is, I get fixated on seeing others as bigger than me. In retrospect, I see myself as smaller than them. Mayber it works the other way around. This is the fixation I have... B/c I see myself smaller than others (psychologically speaking), I easily feel nervous, tense, unassertive, and inadequate. That mindset becomes esp. intense when I'm in the company of those whom I perceive as having what I lack. Even though, I now know that the big scary monster was nothing more than the shadow of a harmless object, I've not been able to get past the residual feeling of fear of the intimidating figure. Yeah, this does sound very childish in thought. In a sense, this is my inner child who still feels scared at times. In my adult mind, I know that ppl are just as vulnerable as I am and as imperfect as I am. And need as much acceptance and love as I do. They are just better at getting what they need than I can for myself.
My fixation which I don't know how to fix affects every psychological fiber of my being and every aspect of myself. Particulary, it affects my spirit and disposition. Everytime I put myself in that low position, I open the dooor for others to undermine me and I don't have the resolve to stand proud and behave in a way that says, noone is bigger than me or that I'm not smaller than anyone. Instead, I cowar like a clam. This is the inner conflict I wrestle with throughout my entire day. Of course, I know ppl don't perceive me as inferior to them or whatnot, but still... And when I put myself in such a low mental positon of myself, I just feel like a complete coward. Then I feel ashame of myself while I beat myself up mentally. My spirit feels deflated and my day becomes ruined. This is one of the underlying causes of my depression. It's the shame I feel for feeling defeated.
This is the fixation I have not been able to override. I feel that with the guided help of someone skilled, who can provide mental coaching to help reframe my thinking, I can be cured of this fixation that I carry around with me every waking moment. It weighs me down like a boulder. Sometimes I think to myself, I wonder what I could have been or what I could have accomplished, if only... :roll: I sound like I'm in my 60s. I'm actually much younger than that.
Thanks for listening.
Butterfly
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It's me again.
In case you are wondering why I ended my letter with "butterfly", well, that's the other name I go by. At this point in my life I feel more like a desert than a butterfly though.
Sorry for the confusion.
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(((((Desert Butterfly In The Rain)))))
Whatever name you feel like using, just speak from your heart, and we will hear you!
((((()))))
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Hi Butterfly/Desert,
You posted before about this, right? It seems that "thinking" is not going to solve this. You already have reasonable, logical thoughts about it. Maybe if you saw someone who worked at the somatic/emotional level, you might get somewhere. Just my 2c. What do you think?
bunny
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Thanks Stormchild!
What a neat combo you've put together. :)
Desert Butterfly in the Rain...I like that. 8)
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Bunny, I'm with you on the idea of seeking therapy.
My goal is to get to that place. Therapy is such a new concept for me, that I'm taking baby steps to eventually get me to that point. Posting here is my next baby step that I'm taking.
Thank you all for helping me along. Your postings give me needed strength to move forward.
Desert Rain
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Hello everyone,
I have a feeling that I gave the wrong impression with my previous post. I just don't want anybody to think that I am here desperately waiting for ppl to provide me help or expecting it from anybody. Everyone here has enough things going on with their lives without having another thing to be concerned about. What I want to convey when I said, you all are helping me along is simply that b/c you're hearing me out, it helps me tremendously. It helps me sort out/ untangle/ dust off the cobweb that's been collecting over the years. It also helps me to understand myself better. I guess the act of talking is what I need to do most at this moment. This is my stepping stone to therapy.
Thanks for hearing me.
Desert Rain A.K.A. Butterfly
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Hi Desert Butterfly,
As bunny said, you think logically about yourself and you seem to know your self image is not how others see you.
Getting from knowing it to feeling it is usually the hard part, eh?
I'm glad you started a new thread and i hope you can use these baby steps to get to where your heart has caught up with your head.
Everyone here has enough things going on with their lives without having another thing to be concerned about.
If that were so, this board would just be people seeking support and no one giving it. I think just about everyone here has the time to be concerned about anyone who is hurting and voiceless.
God bless.
mudpup
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Okay, Mudpup...
That makes sense to me.
D.R.
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Hi there,
The thing with me is, I get fixated on seeing others as bigger than me. In retrospect, I see myself as smaller than them. Mayber it works the other way around. This is the fixation I have... B/c I see myself smaller than others (psychologically speaking), I easily feel nervous, tense, unassertive, and inadequate. That mindset becomes esp. intense when I'm in the company of those whom I perceive as having what I lack.
Oh, this I know very, very well. The sweaty palms, the inability to look at people's faces, anxiety and shame knocking at your heart like an excluded ghost--yes, I think I know what you're describing.
There's no easy way out of this, I'm afraid. I can't speak for you, but for me, I don't ever remember things being different. I can't reach back to some memory of "health" on which I can model my behavior. It's all new, and sometimes it feels like trying to drag the earth a few degrees backward. The momentum pushiing me into this behavior is so strong; I can't always stop it, let alone reverse it.
I can't imagine trying to do this without therapy. Not that it's a magic bullet--my checkbook certainly tells me otherwise--but it is a great gift you can give yourself: the gift of a space that is yours alone, the gift of someone whose job it is to listen to you and provide counsel, the gift of allowing yourself to feel and say whatever seems important to you (at least in 50-minute increments).
Then I feel ashamed of myself while I beat myself up mentally. My spirit feels deflated and my day becomes ruined. This is one of the underlying causes of my depression. It's the shame I feel for feeling defeated.
Lord, yes. Of all the feelings I feel, that is the most painful--the one where you're down on yourself for being down on yourself. It's walking through sand; every step gets harder and harder, until finally, thankfully, the day is over and I can go to bed.
I feel that with the guided help of someone skilled, who can provide mental coaching to help reframe my thinking, I can be cured of this fixation that I carry around with me every waking moment. It weighs me down like a boulder.
But it's not all about thinking, is it, and I don't think we're ever "cured." Sometimes I believe that therapy teaches you how to re-parent yourself, how to tend to your own emotional needs and give yourself (or find in the world) what you never received. Now, I realize there's a certain "Gak!" factor in that...inner child and all...but I also think there's a profound truth there as well. If we could think our way out of these feelings, most of the therapists would starve. We have to feel our way out of them, and that is a long, painful, frightening process that no I've ever known could face alone.
Can I ask you what is stopping you from making that first appointment? You're very articulate about what the problem is. You seem to have a fine grasp of what you would ask for in therapy. I'm interested in why you don't think you're ready for it--because you seem very clear about its potential benefits.
I hope your day is going well--
daylily
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((((Daylily))))
I can't tell you how much you're posting means to me. They mean more than my words can express. Although we are phantom strangers, you seem to know me so well. The feelings and thoughts I can't seem to articulate, you said it like you know exactly what's going on in my subconscious.
A few things deter me from making the first appt with a therapist: a demanding course load, finance, and lack of time. Also, this may sound ridiculous, but I don't have any good references of therapists. Other than a few resources at my disposal (that I've been putting off into researching them). Other than that, I am at a lost. To tell you the truth, it seems a little intimidating to me. I guess it's just the fear of the unknown. I'm afraid that I'll be misunderstood, misdiagnosed, and mistreated. Then I would have to go through the pain and aggravation of being misunderstood. For me, being misunderstood is worse than not being understood. Does that make any sense? I'm afraid that after I bare my soul to the therapist, I would get emotionally betrayed. Hmmm, maybe I'm being a little dramatic here. But I've been betrayed emotionally before, I don't want to have to go thru that again, esp. by someone who is suppose to understand you. I know, I know...the bigger the risk, the greater the reward. The first step seems to be the hardest b/c I don't know what to expect or whether my expectations will be met.
Desert Rain
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Desert,
What if the therapist is like daylily?
bunny
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Bunny,
Then that would be just what I need.
D.R.
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Oh, by the way...I won't be around for a couple of days. But, I hope to keep in touch in about a week.
Have a great week everyone!
Desert Rain
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Desert rain: so when you get back, let me tell you that I just now caught up with your post. Believe it or not, I avoided it because I am stuck in the stinking desert and just the thought of anything nice like rain (which is very nice to have in the desert here) associated with the word desert made me feel funny, not good funny, but "put the blinders on" funny.'
The thing about not responding right away to a post is that by the time you catch up with it, all the very articulate and caring people here have already weighed in with marvelous advice and helpful energy. But since we can never get enough good stuff: let me say ditto to just about everyone's post. You are clearly a worthy person, and you will find a way in your seemingly impossible schedule/life to get the money, time, and references to a great therapist..... and you will heal.
Bless you.....(((((Butterfly))))))
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The thing about not responding right away to a post is that by the time you catch up with it, all the very articulate and caring people here have already weighed in with marvelous advice and helpful energy.
Except you, Mum.
But since we can never get enough good stuff: let me say ditto to just about everyone's post. You are clearly a worthy person, and you will find a way in your seemingly impossible schedule/life to get the money, time, and references to a great therapist..... and you will heal.
Very articulately and caringly put, with helpful energy too! The ditto part includes the marvelous advice!!
Keep taking those baby steps, Desert Rain!! You'll get there!!!
GFN
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A big hello to everyone :D
I haven't much time to do anything else besides studying and taking my final exams. :x :? Three down and two more to go.
Mum and GFN, thanx for your words of encouragement. They are like drops of needed rain in this otherwise dry and hot desert.
Just wanted to say "hi" and hope everyone is having a good day.
Desert Rain
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Personal experience of 40 years in the desert, appocalypse, all those sevens(chakras) all those fours (mandalas), Trials of Job, dark night of the soul. what do you think they are talking about? It is not just for the chosen few but right in front of you you lucky girl. It is death, it is rebirth,it is the the opportunity to die over and over again, it is your privelege, it is your birthright,it is the muck, it is real, it is the subtext of society, religion, spirit, breakfast, luch, and dinner,mud and metaphor.
Beyond the stastistics of labels, "depression","chemical imbalance","therapy", comes your very unique experience of being a human who knows herself. The ups come with the downs, expect it all, recognize all your parts, remember, whatever you are experiencing is only a part of you, the "you" that emerges at the end will be thicker, richer, with honey in the heart, more than you can imagine from the middle of the desert. always trust there is a future perfect you who is waiting for you with loving open arms. This is your perfect gift to yourself, remember to savor your path, your pain, your feelings, remember in the darkest hours,you can surround even that with love. There is something wonderful coming it is calling to you, and it is your pillar of flame in the desert. The desert is the place to drop all the baggage all that is not "you", to learn trust, surrender, grace not as words or symbols but as intimate direct experiences of your SELF. Love it, eat it, bless it , it (whatever it is) is your gift, you are your own bliss.
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Desert Rain -
This thread brings tears to my eyes... I feel like I was standing alot closer to where you are now - but a few months ago. I promise, alot can change in a short time...
The reason I feel compelled to write is one of your last posts - you said you had a heavy courseload. I remember when I was in grad school a few years ago, I too thought "I have too much going on to deal with this now." And in some ways, that was true.
However - I actually found later, when I started therapy and was working v. hard at the time, that the therapy lifted a weight from my life and made it easier to work harder. Sure, I cried a little more sometimes, but they were healing tears - not tears of pain and anger in the same way. So, I encourage you to try to find an hour in your week - these days I look forward to that time more than anything else in my week.
Secondly, I think it may be prudent to look into your university's medical plan. Obviously, I dont know your circumstances, but many universities now offer rather extensive mental health services at almost no cost. They are very concerned about the student's mental health (because suicides and drugs are a bad thing for colleges), and can be extremely generous in their funding (more than most employers).
Just my two cents... I really wish I signed up when I was in school. I can't imagine how different the last few years would have been....
--FlowerGirl
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Holy cow...."Desert Rat"
THAT post was unbelievable. You are ON with that.
THANK YOU. You have put all the books, teachings and healings I have been experiencing lately into one big, juicy paragraph!!!!
WOW.
And your moniker: Hmmmmm, not nearly as appealing as your post!
I thought I had some of you living under my shed: turns out to be grey squirrels....not much better I'm afraid. (on the search for humane traps now)
All silliness aside: Thanks again for such consise, rich writing!!
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Desert Rat,
The name that you chose to be identified by is definitely unique, some would even say peculiar (not in anyway negative though). I would be interested to know why you chose that name. Just out of curosity.
I had to reread your posting several times before I can grasp the meaning behind your words, since it was loaded with many thoughts. I can't say I grasp the full extent of your message though. Maybe I'm just slow or maybe I'm brain drained from taking my finals this week. I hardly have any brain cells left. Don't mind me, I'm just being ridiculous.
Anyway, I'm not sure what you mean by, "it is not just for the chosen few but right in front of you you lucky girl. Do you think I'm lucky b/c I'm aware of my problem to a certain extent? Is that what you meant by being lucky? I sense a lot of optimism in your words. I get the impression that what you want to say to me is that what I'm going thru at this point in my life is part of and necessary for my growth as an individual. In other words, this desert is part of the journey I must travel. In my case, I've been wandering in this desert for so long that it is literally draining my spirit. I feel tired, frustrated, and sometimes stuck and in despair. I'm trying to seek out a roadmap, but haven't come up with any luck. Without a roadmap, I could end up wandering in this desert for the rest of my life. How sad is that?
I hope you will reply as I really want to know more about what you wrote. Please don't leave me hanging.
Desert Rain
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Dearest One,
Picture a time in your life when you were much younger, small alone and hurt. Imagine that you can put your arms around that child and surround her with love and safety and and everything that she needs. Sit there with her sooth her, let her sobs subside until she feels safe and she smiles and runs off to play.
Now imagine,the You of the future, who knows why you are in this desert. The future perfect you that had to complete her self without knowing why or how. There she is in all of her brilliance and beauty, so whole and so complete. In fact time is a mere plaything to her and she knows that she already exists inside of you, and she is constantly with you. Ready for you. when things are bleakest andwhen things are wonderful. The good, the bad, all of your experiences are surrounded by her love because they are part of her completion.
Desert Rain this has helped me, find my way back to source in some of my driest droughts I hope it helps. Congratulations on the great courage it took to take exams in the middle of this heaviness. I'm sure your future perfect self is beaming with pride.
p.s A desert rat is a term used for eccentrics who live in the desert. They claim to be prospecting for gold but really they just love the desert.
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The Desert Rats were also the British army in North Africa in WWll.
Gave the Nazis their first defeat.
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I reckon desert rats are eccentric creatures. You either love them or hate them. And they don't give a rat's ass whether you do or you don't. Hmmm, I think I could learn a lot from a desert rat.
Anyway, your imagery is very visual and tangible. I can almost see and feel that little girl. On the otherhand, the image of the little girl all grown up encapsulating her fullest is still a distant image standing somewhere in the hazy mist. Nevertheless, I know she's there.
Thanks for the insight.
Desert Rain
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Desert Rain,
I think I can understand the burden you are experiencing of being in a bind in terms of studies, finance,and time with looking for a therapist. Circumstances in life can get so overwhelming sometimes. Hang in there, desert rain, things will get better.
You've mentioned the challenge of finding a therapist in the midst of a seemingly impossible demanding courseload and lack of time. I don't know the full extent of your circumstances, but I will say that this desert you feel you are in is within your control. Though it seems very tangible to you, it is as real as you make it. That's how much power, control, and influence you have over it.
IMO, we are our own best therapist. What do you think? Sure a good therapist is there to listen to us and there to provide us some guidance. But, perhaps you can learn to do this for yourself. What if there's a way to learn to listen to yourself, I mean deeply listen to yourself. Perhaps, when you reach that level of being so intuned to yourself, then you can start to provide answers for yourself that noone else can. I think we are more stronger than we realize. Desert Rain, you are strong. Believing is seeing and seeing is believing. Even if you don't believe that at this point in your life, you can condition yourself to believe that.
Layla
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Desert Rat: the definition you provided as to your name: good for you, to love the desert. I love it too, but it is not my home, and not where I wish to be. However, after 22 years in this "stinkin desert", as I lovingly call it, I have learned my hardest lessons in life. Hardest=most important and life changing. Like childbirth, which I also was blessed with while in this arid land. Blessings abound in struggle. Embracing the pain, sitting still with it...taking what I can from it....all here in the desert.
I'm ready to go home to the green hills of New England, now...but there must be more to learn here. Oh well. Bring it on. It's all lovely learning by my own design, anyway.