Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: mum on April 24, 2005, 10:57:35 PM
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Hi, folks. I had an interesting phone call from my ex NIDIOT today and what he was saying was SOOOO outrageous it was all I could do to not laugh into the reciever. When I hung up, I laughed so hard I almost cried. When I told my daughter what he said (it had to do with her) she said "that's just plain ridiculous" but she was uncomfortable with my laughing so much, so I toned it down...
My ex's behavoirs get more and more outrageous, and he's not very good at hiding his agendas (which in itself is funny) or even at talking to me when he feels I am "onto" him (he gets all flustered, I can just picture his jaw tightening).
So I got to thinking, why don't I laugh at him more? Why can't I think he is so funny, because honestly, his antics are absurd. Oh, yeah, I know, because he drags me into court, he is emotionally abusive to my kids, and a flaming N whose goal in life is to destroy me, the one person who EVER called him on his bad behavoir!! But seriously, beyond that (like that's not enough) I think I need to laugh more....about him, even AT him.
It seems to take his power away when I picture him trying to sound "smart" when his little plan backfires, like maybe his head really will explode, or he is very small, like a gnat!
One thing I do, even when he is "in my face" anger wise, is to envision him being VERY far away, in an empty parking lot, his voice is small, even though he is screaming as hard as he can....and he can't move, can't touch me (I am far away and moving further still). That's not so much funny as interesting, but I think I could use some more imagery, so that even when his behavoir is truly attacking, I can laugh (inside maybe).
Got any good ones?
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What a lovely thought, mum....
When I have my N on the phone, I like to make faces. when you are in the same room you cant make faces at them - but when they are on the phone, you can stick out your tongue, sneer, grin, or even give 'em a gesture or two... and no one will ever know! (well, until you all.. now).. makes it all alot better.... :-)
--FG
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I've done the faces thing. My last conversation with N-mom she was very disapproving of the name I picked for my child, especially the name I picked from her side of the family (?? no idea why and heaven knows she will never tell me-- more fun to just disapprove randomly). So, while she was talking I took the receiver away from my ear and looked at it like it was insane. This seemed to help for some reason. Except it made me almost laugh in her ear.
Another thing I learned to do during her rants when I was a kid was blur my ears a little bit so that I can't really hear what she is saying. There are probably prices to pay for this since it leads to disassociating, but if you know you are doing it I bet it's ok. It's amazing how easy it is to shift focus. Singing a song to myself and listening to that helps sometimes. I also do housework on the phone sometimes.
Also, I have taken to memorizing what they say because I realize now it's often funny. Then I can tell friends, either in life or in cyber-life!
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Hi, folks. I had an interesting phone call from my ex NIDIOT today and what he was saying was SOOOO outrageous it was all I could do to not laugh into the reciever. When I hung up, I laughed so hard I almost cried. .
So I got to thinking, why don't I laugh at him more? ..
.....I think I could use some more imagery, so that even when his behavoir is truly attacking, I can laugh (inside maybe).
Got any good ones?
Hi mum!!! theres so many interesting things being talked about (and i really owe longtire are --really-- big hug too!)> but i just have a minute right now.. but you are just so right, and im -glad- you got to laugh today!!
its tough to laugh usually, becuase we are ISOLATED. they can lord it over us becase we are emotionally isolated - when youre all alone huddling in a corner its not so easy to laugh.. the first thing -any- abuser does is isolate you and make you doubt yourself and put you in so much pain you cant do anything but cower. but you know what, if we have each other to talk to and compare notes we are not ISOLATED and we can get outside thier little bubble of influence and SEE HOW FUNNY it is, in that pathetic way. we can scoot right behind the mask. you know what too - when i tell my daughter what kind of guys to date - i tell her to look for someone who can laugh at himself. cause i -know- n's cant do that. they hate real humor cause it breaks the spell.
maybe you could see him as a little red-faced screaming infant wearing a big paper mache' mask. wahhhh!!! wahhh!! feed me hold me gimme gimme gimme wahhhhh!!!!! only usually id be nicer to real babies, who have more manners than that. :shock: :lol:
its intersting becuase tonight i had almost the same experience.. i think we are all being good for each other. tonight is my call.. and usualy when i call my stepndweeb has the line busy.
for 3 years, its been 7:30 sundays, but they just cant pull it off, and its FLAT PATHETIC. and tonight, i just LAUGHED.
i sat there and enjoyed my dinner and LAUGHED at her ridiculous patheticness that that is what she has to do to feel good about herself.
and tonight was born their two =real= names >> < FEM-BOT AND DR. N. >
from now on, i know that i will be seeing my stepmother as a sort of tin-can aluminum foil robot dressed in cheap hooker clothes with steam leaking from beneath her wig, and 'Dr. N' looks like the bad guy in the austin powers movies. -NOBODY- is scared of that guy.
so - heres to making FUN of these ridiculous fakers. they can inflict great pain but sooo much less if we are not alone and have freinds to laugh with.
maybe you can see him as being attacked by amorous grouse. weasels in his pants biting his butt. or as a little tiny gnat with buzzing wings and a little itsy bitsy chipmunk-voice.
really glad you had a good laugh mum. heres to -lots- more and all of us ducking exploding heads real soon.
Aanna the Aaamazon - arch enemy of fembot!!!!! and dr. n
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mum:
Normally when talking with my ex N significant other, I would envision him standing there in his underwear doing all that holier than thou crap. I would shake my head and just smile at him..........totally infurinated him. It was a hoot. Patz
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Hey Mum
I too have made goofy faces at X N during his rants. The last time was at a mediation. Every time the mediator put her head to write I woud give him the *stupid* look. I know, immature. I'm surprised though that he didn't say anything like , "See she's making faces".
Anyway, it bothered him b/c he would ramble even more about nonsense.
I am learning to laugh more at X N. It does help some but sometimes it is difficult to do when you know he's gearing up for court, etc.
Hang in there.
Mia
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Wow, this really triggered a gut reaction in me. I got picked on and ganged up on and laughed at meanly a lot as a kid, because I was smart, small, delicate, wore specs from about age 6, and had ringlets.
Just make sure you folks only laugh at people who deserve to be hurt by it, and keep an eye out for innocent bystanders, 'kay?
Laughter can be very mean. Use with caution...
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Hey, Stormy. I would bet money (not that I have any left!) on everyone here being that same picked on skinny kid (I sure was). So I doubt you have to worry about anyone here being cruel...it's all fantasy, and ways to help us minimize the N's "power" over us.
N's use "humor"/sarcasm to pick on others....not a chance it would be a part of my repetoire with normal, nice folks (heck, I can't even use it to the N's face!) And you may have read, too (and I'll also bet everyone here would do the same) that I curtailed my laughter when my daughter was uncomfortable.
THAT is the difference between "us" and "them".
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Hi mum,
I had a similar reaction to your daughter's when my wife was laughing at some ridiculous things that my brother wrote us a few months back.
She found his tactics so off the wall and ridiculous that she just started cracking up. Meanwhile I was absolutely fuming at the audacity of it, and the attempt to try and drive a wedge between my wife and me.
Looking back, her reaction was probably healthier, but it seemed to trivialize what I thought was some pretty repulsive behavior.
As Stormy said, laughter can be pretty powerful stuff, and for more than just the reason she gave.
Why do you think your daughter was uncomfortable with your laughter?
mudpup
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Mud:
Oh, I think my daughter reacted that way for a bunch of reasons:
because my children know and recognize that dad is a controlling jerk....but he's their dad, and something in children really want to think better of their parents.
And they want to come to their own conclusions about that. Also, because both my kids do not want to talk about dad, what dad does/doesn't do, because it hurts. And when they are home with me, they like to feel good, not bad. And, very possibly, it's a little "stockholm syndrome"....they want him approve of them,....and my laughing at him makes them feel guilty.
AND she is almost 13, and doing anything that seems like relating to an adult can only last a few seconds, then it's back to the "autonomy war".
Anyway, I don't push them. Anything (however obvious) that looks like me complaining about him (although they complain to me about him all the time) will backfire on me. This is almost a given fact about divorced parents...don't put down the other parent, no matter HOW MUCH they deserve it. So it might have felt a bit like that to her.
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The difference between laughing at, and laughing with, also comes to mind. Or laughing together about.
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How about laughing to live?
I think it's a good coping mechanism in regards to N's.
I would never laugh with the intention of hurting an innocent soul.
Mia
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Yes yes yes to that, Mia!
I consider Calvin and Hobbes to be a pain reliever second in power only to morphine or Brompton's Cocktail!
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Laughter can be very mean. Use with caution...
hi stormy.. :)
i also wore glasses from the time i was 6. before that, they made me wear a -patch- over one eye! yes i was laughed at, until i stood up for myself one day, in third grade, and after that, noone laughed at me anymore. i even became the protector of the other kids, the fat kids, the 'retarded' children, the people who -really- took heat. i even stuck up for a teacher once that was having a bad day! she was in a bad space for some reason and the kids taunted her, and she went outside the classroom and cried. and -i- went out and comforted her, even though i kknew the other kids would give me a ton of crap. that was how i became an advocate... way back in the third grade, cause i fought back from getting laughed at, and it worked.
stormy i cant speak for anyone else but i would -never- use laughter or anything else as an -offensive weapon- anymore than i would use any other weapon to hurt someone.
we are talking -self defense- here.
we dont identify the things these people do to us as 'violence' becuase its done by our family, our 'friends', its disguised by the soft words and the innocuous actions, the subtle sarcasm and the hidden putdowns, that 'vibe' you cant put your finger on - thats why we think -were- crazy that it bothers us. but, it -is- violence.
i myself, was referring to laughter as -self defense- only. never ever ever as offense.
for the heck of it>> i want to tell you what happened in the third grade.
there were these sisters who taunted me every single day. it was -really- bad. and one day at lunch, they were taunting me, and i was eating some ice cream. i dont know what possessed me but i just got tired of it and i jammed that ice cream rigth up one of their nose.
now today, since i work at a school, i recognise that it would have been a better response to 'use my words' and VERBALLY challenge them instead of physically. i -dont- condone physical violence. i could have said loudly "get out of my face!" "cut it out!" "i dont like that!" the thing was, i challenged them.
whatever, those girls never bothered me again, and neither did anyone else. yes maybe i 'stooped to their level' one time. so what. i peresonally feel a lot better about myself getting them off my back, than 'not stooping' and taking a ton of crap every day. in the big picture i think ill be forgiven.
my daughter recently told me, -she- waas being teased on the bus. she said she was 'ignoring it', and that it wasnt working.
people often think with bullies, that since its -not- ok to use physical violence, theres no other option but 'ignoring'. but thats misleading. theres ways to -communicate- that it isnt ok with you without being inappropriate. (i think laughing is one).
i told her to do two things when the bulies attacked: either move to another seat with friends, becuae bullies only attack those who are alone.
or i told her to turn around and look that bully =straight= in the eye and say loudly "excuse me, but I DONT LIKE THAT. COULD YOU PLEASE STOP." verbal ice cream cone.
and you know what, the next time she talked to me, she told me about having fun on the bus with her friends playing games. she said she didnt even have to use the technique. just having it in her mind, that she had that power to confront, was enough.
you -must- confront bullies. it -can- be done in noviolent, socially acceptable ways. and i would never ever -ever- use any of that, to hurt.
sorry so long.
take care - anna
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Ice cream up a bully's nose? Love it.
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Ice cream up a bully's nose? Love it.
im glad :} > i think the growling -definitely- might top it tho!
delphine (daughter) liked the ice cream thing so much she wrote a song about it. :) next time i see her we'll have to growl together..>> :twisted:
you know what else i do... i try so hard to be a good mom! i actually have her rehearse with me every month or two how to say
NO!!!!
we call it our 'safety quiz' - weve done it since she was very small. i want her to feel 100% comfortable looking someone in the eye (pushy boyfriend, salesperson, bpd friend, even me!) and saying with perfect politeness and total conviction NO THANK YOU!!!! I DONT LIKE THAT!!!!! i want her to be STRONG.
i notice since shes been with my parents her ability to take an assertive tone has really eroded. its been noticeable.
take care stormy 8)
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Hey, Anna:
my daughter loses her assertiveness with her dad, and she knows it. She vents to me (lots of good it does, legally....but I digress).. and she even laughs at his antics and that makes her feel better about things. She imagines what she MIGHT say to him or her step mom, if they push her on a subject, and I think it's good practice. It helps her feel understood, at least with me, and prepares her in a way, for what I think might some day be a showdown with them (and her).
I have watched her with friends her whole life, and she never takes crap from anyone. I used to worry that she wasn't compliant enough, and that it would cause her problems....but I see this is who she is, and with an N dad, it serves her well. She is never cruel, she is actually very kind, but she will not take less than respectful behavoir...from anyone.... but her dad (but I feel those days are numbered).
Yesterday, my rather N friend followed me into my bedroom, where I had hoped to talk to my daughter privately, and proceeded to lay down on the bed next to my daughter, take her cell phone and start asking her about it. My D is almost 13, so you can imagine how "warm and fuzzy" this intrusion made her feel. She smiled politely, got up, took her cell phone and went to another room. My "friend" stormed out saying "that kids HATES me!....god forbid I should touch her stuff...she just hates me!"
I told her not to take it personally, as my D is a teenager, and friend is an adult....she said "but I'm not just ANY adult! I've known her since she was small" (you can laugh at that one.... so very N) and I told her I've known my D her whole life....so get a grip! I then chose to decline my Nfriends offer to go somewhere with her and she said "oh, well we wouldn't want to piss her (D) off anymore". Pretty transparent what the Nfriend was up to (very insecure.....threatened by my child, didn't get HER way, etc)...
Anyway, I had to think about all this for a while. AT what point do I "make" my child be nice to adults and at what point do I let her have her relationship with them as she sees fit? Clearly, my friend wanted my to "fix" my daughter to "fake" liking her, but since friends' behavoir is pretty N most of the time......maybe my D knows best?!
So I know this isn't about laughter, or humor, but what the hey, I started this , so I think I'll branch out.
Along the lines of : children being "polite" and children accepting abuse and children finding their voice:
Any thoughts?
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I'm sorry....I'm confused....which one is the child here? I think your daughter's actions were perfectly appropriate. I think just adding words is the only appropriateness that might be suggested. For example, saying "excuse me" and then leaving the room. And not adding any little polite lies like, "I'm tired right now"...Well, maybe you could. But that seems to me to be the slippery slope to always being nice-nice (one of my horrors I inflicted on myself! :D )