Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Stormchild on April 26, 2005, 04:15:51 PM
-
Hi folks, I have a question.
When I was a kid, I didn't get a whole lot of positives from my folks. A lot of times, my Nmother would promise me some childish treasure and then give it to my sibling instead, in front of others.
I learned to hang on to anything I did get and watch over it like a hawk. So, I tend to keep my things in good shape and keep them for a long time. This in itself is not bad.
I do notice, though, that I am very prone to sentimental attachments to *stuff*. Not everything, but some pretty weird things. And some things that are not weird at all.
Example: I took a couple of dishtowels from my parents' house, and a couple of dishes, when I left home for college. I still have them. Towels and dishes both. They've held up remarkably well (of course, see above) and it would break my heart to part with them. To anyone else, they're junque. (The dishes date back to when I was around four years old.)
Example: I bought a really good 'cat condo' for the two kittens I adopted shortly after starting my first job. I only this month was able to give it up, and only because I realized that one of my current kitties was having an allergic reaction to something associated with it whenever she got on it. This is five years after the kitties it was purchased for passed away. It was 22 years old when I had it hauled.
Example: I just bought myself some new stainless flatware, and the only style that even remotely appealed to me was a style very similar to the one I grew up with. I was aware of this and decided not to fight it, because I really did like the design we had when I was a kid, much better than the designs we got when I was in high school and college.
I'm not like this with mementoes of school, or reminders of former jobs, or even keepsakes from old sweethearts. Anyone know what gives? I have a couple of pieces of jewelry that I've had since elementary school - obviously I no longer ever wear them, but it would break my heart to find them missing.
Thoughts (or similar confessions) much welcomed.
-
Stormy,
I do notice, though, that I am very prone to sentimental attachments to *stuff*.
It doesn't seem like you are attached to stuff, but what they represent or maybe what you wish they could have represented.
mudpup
-
Hi folks, I have a question.
When I was a kid, I didn't get a whole lot of positives from my folks. A lot of times, my Nmother would promise me some childish treasure and then give it to my sibling instead, in front of others.
I learned to hang on to anything I did get and watch over it like a hawk. So, I tend to keep my things in good shape and keep them for a long time. This in itself is not bad.
I do notice, though, that I am very prone to sentimental attachments to *stuff*. Not everything, but some pretty weird things. And some things that are not weird at all.
Thoughts (or similar confessions) much welcomed.
Your story reminded me of when I was small and I went through a phase of being obsessive about certain items. It was around the time I lost my grandad - 11 or 12 or so, as far as I remember. I started taking my own pillowcases on holiday with me, to change the pillowcase for a familiar one. And at school (Year 7) I made a toy, a stuffed owl, and I started to carry that everywhere as well. I loved that owl. I don't remember anyone commenting on either of these, or anything else. No teasing or anything, but I can feel now that it was not liked.
We went on holiday and I carried the owl everywhere I went. Then one afternoon I was with my mum and older brother and I left the owl on the counter of an icecream kiosk, and when I remembered just as we were setting off to drive home a short time later my parents refused to take me back to get it, and dad got very angry with me for being upset. I dare say they thought I would have to detach from it one day, so that was as good a time as any. I was almost hysterical, but when dad got angry and shouted I had to force myself not to cry out loud, and I had to force it all inside. Horrible. My mum promised that my aunt would get the toy back, because she was visiting there the next week. In fact it was two weeks later, and I was told that the person at the kiosk kept the toy for a week, then threw it in the bin. They didn't even think to tell me she had given it to the children's hospital. Anything except in a rubbish tip.
I can't imagine doing this to my daughter. I am like you, if she loses anything special, we search and search until we find it, however long it takes. Value is not counted in money, imo. My daughter has deep attachments to many of her toys, and many other possessions. I think this is part of growing up. Love is love, whatever it is for. We give her toys voices and personalities, and play with them a lot. They have a life of their own. :lol:
I am the opposite, though. I don't feel as if I own anything very much. It all feels very temporary, or as if I am looking after it for someone else. I rationalise this and take comfort in the fact that the Native Americans have a similar attitude to the world, and that it is not a bad way to regard things; we become stewards rather than owners. But it makes it difficult to identify what is mine. I am not sure anything much is. My daughter. My house. My car. The first is clearly important. The rest is just stuff.
Maybe I learned not to get too close, even to toys. I never attached to another one after the owl. They don't reach where I am any more.
-
Hi Stormy! I'm much the same way and have felt embarrassed by hanging on to so many things. I was never given much as a child. So things, clothing, jewelry, books etc. had greater importance for me than other people. They still do! I always have this feeling that I better get it now and keep it because I might not ever get a chance again. Also, a script I learned early on was that anything belonging to my mother was ultra important! I had a really hard time getting rid of her things after she died and I'm talking about very inconsequential items. I could hear her in my mind going into shock! Once, when I was about 6 or 7, I broke a figurine of hers and she picked up the pieces and sliced my arm to demonstrate how important her things were. It's so nice to be here and tell someone these crazy things that happend. My kids grew up in a home where money was not a big issue and I notice a big difference in how they regard their things. They are much more willing to get rid of clothing, for example, that they just don't like anymore. And they bug me about owning too much stuff. "Mom, just get rid of it!" And, I'm beginning to surprisingly enough. Too much stuff can be a burden. This is interesting. I'm wondering what other people will say. Take care...Bittles...
-
Once, when I was about 6 or 7, I broke a figurine of hers and she picked up the pieces and sliced my arm to demonstrate how important her things were
Oh god, bittles, it's a good thing I was nowhere around when that happened, you'd be visiting me in San Quentin.
Her things were more imporant than you were?!!! Oh God.
((((((((((bittles))))))))))
the stuff I have, they never even noticed it was gone, after they let me take it. But I use the old plates as cutting boards, and they're the actual plates I learned to eat from at the table, when I was 3 or 4. It's like having a souvenir of innocence and hope, somehow.
-
dogbittles,
I can't imagine slicing the arm of a little girl to demonstrate anything rational. Your mom was a psycho! I'm very, very sorry she did this to you. I am not much of a saver of things, I have almost no sentimentality. But for some reason I still have my childhood jewelry box. Never gave it much thought but I must be attached to it.
bunny
-
((((((bittles)))))) how awful. Everytime I hear these examples of sheer insanity on the part of parents, I cry.
As far as holding on to stuff....it goes in cycles for me. I probably have a few things I treasure (my kids' first shoes, or neat baby clothes they wanted me to keep) but coming from a big family, where space is limited, we aren't much on saving...
I also had a pretty loving and sane upbringing, so material things have never mattered as much to us as most folks....so we never got too mushy about possessions. I'm hope this doesn't sound "superior" or anything, I just think it may have a bearing on why I don't think much about it.
Plus, I have an exNidiot who wanted to fight me over every piece of furniture when we got divorced. One piece in particular that had come from my first school........I just finally let him have it...telling him, "it's a THING! ONLY a thing. THAT you can have, but you can't have me any more!"
I do have a sister in law who is VERY concerned about what happens to my mom's things when she dies. (some of you may recall, my mommy is dying). Funny thing is, none of us (the kids) really care about the stuff. We will most likely let whoever wants stuff to take it, and the girls just want a sentimental session looking through her jewelry (nothing expensive) like we did when we were little girls. Mom gave some things to people who wanted it a long time ago. This SIL actually put names in a hat of all my moms stuff when she first got ill, and "raffled" stuff off. WE all screwed it up by giving each other permission to take whatever it was we wanted, or we "traded" the items with each other, or we just left them in her house when one of my sister's bought my mom's house. It's kinda funny.
This confounds this sister in law. Doesn't get it at all. Maybe because her family actually has antiques and is totally prepared to duke it out when their parents go. WE just don't care all that much.
-
yeah, see, these aren't antiques i'm talking about. i'm talking about a pair of 1950's melamine plates and a couple of pieces of very cheap jewelry with colored glass bits in.
sorry, but everyone seems to think I'm clutching Spode and hanging onto the Hepplewhite, and that's not it at all.
-
No, Stromy, that's not what I thought. I guess I got off on my own experience, not knowing how to relate too well to yours. Sorry. I wish I could be more helpful.
-
Bittles,
I'm sooooo sorry for the insanity that surrounded your childhood. It truly breaks my heart.
((((((((((bittles))))))))))))))
I'm not a big saver of things and wanted next to nothing of the items my mother had left, but I am sentimental about my grandmother's things. When my mother died in January, I was distraught to find that my grandmother's wedding ring had disappeared (my brother didn't bother to keep track of these things when she went into the nursing home). She did have my great-grandmother's ring however. I never knew her or really anything about her, but I have worn that ring since shortly after my mother died. It is nothing fancy, but I have felt a presence attached to that ring and sense that either my grandmother or great-grandmother is my guardian angel protecting me right now. Probably silly, but it does give me a feeling of comfort.
I keep a few other items of hers that remind me of the good moments of my childhood. She was the only adult in my childhood that made me feel loved.
Brigid
-
no offense taken at all, mum, it's just that this is very much not about materialism, but that's what almost everyone seems to be thinking about in response to it. :?: :?:
I gave my sib the entire residue of the estate, all the furniture, including my own stuff that was there. I took an ancient coffee mug that had belonged to my dad, and a couple more old beat up towels. This is definitely not materialism. :wink:
on the other hand, I'm beginning to suspect that, in this regard, I'm kinda out in left field further than I thought I was. interesting. :shock: :shock:
-
What an interesting thread - thank you for starting it!
I actually have a very wierd relationship with "stuff." I never had stuff. Everything was always only mine temporarily. Still is, really, to my nMom. Of course, its all very logical. makes sense to pass things along to others in the family, if you dont need them anymore. But, it has a rather deep impact. You can't cherish anything - lest it is "needed" by someone else. You can't get rid of things that remind you of your ex-bf without shouting about it. Even now, if I told my mom I took clothes to the goodwill without sharing them with her first, I'd get a tonguelashing.
On the other hand, mom seems to have things. things I couldn't touch - like her favorite tweezers. Things, that, in retrospect, are fair. everyone needs their things - to feel ownership. Too bad I was one of those things my mom owned. Still does.
One of my most tearful memories happened when i was young. maybe 7. I had made this... candy dish thing .. in pottery class. And in my young eyes it was beautiful. I rarely (if ever again, really!) felt anything I made was beautiful - but i remember feeling this dish was. My nMom was panicking b/c my father was late home from work (possibly 30-45 minutes - pre-cell phones) She was convinced he was dead (this is normal) and was ranting about how he was dead in a ditch. My sister and i had to sit quietly and listen, offering silent support. terrified. In her screaming, she picked up the dish and smashed it.
Needless to say, dad was home within 15 minutes. I just remember thinking how my one beautiful thing was in shreds.. as i picked pieces out of the carpet. Ma still *says* she feels guilty about it - but sort of about the wrong thing. It wasn't really the *thing* I want back... I can't explain it.
Anyways, enough long egocentric post.
--FG
-
Ow, FG, how awful.
I think your mom might be borderline too. Anyone else already said that? Anyone who would do that - throw a screaming hissy fit in front of her kids and deliberately break something one of them made - that has to be borderline.
-
october - your story about the owl broke my heart! :( :( and im thinking about you lots right now (((october)))
stormchild, dont think theres anything wrong with placing sentimental value on anything you feel like..
thats what sentimental value is (velveteen rabbit like). its not based on intrinsic worth of an object.
the things ive kept during life, for the most part have no monetary value at all... my family had money.... and when i was younger i had diamond earrings, gold jewelry designed and made just for me, one of a kind art peices, i dont have a lick of it now, not one peice, and dont even know what happened to -any- of it. its not like it was sold or stolen, i just dont have it.
however even though ive moved dozens of times, lost everything i own over and over, traveled across the country repeatedly, many times with everything i own fitting in a car, i still retain items of no monetary value whatsoever from when i was so young i cant even remember. i have no idea how ive held onto these things.
if there were a huge disaster and i had to flee my house with what i could gather in 15 minutes nothing i left with would have any monetary value whatsoever, unless by accident. it would be photographs of my child and drawings shes made and her baby box and maybe some art stuff and a few items people i care about have given me over the years... that most people would think was hopeless junk.
oh, and i would save my animals :} i have a fire drill worked out for my snakes and lizards! that sounds pretty sad.
but i dont care :wink:
-
Maybe these simple items provide you with feelings of comfort and safety that were not provided to you by your parents.
These inanimate objects are permitting you to have somewhat *fond* memories of specific events...such as learning to eat as a small child.
Just my two cents. Hope it's worth something.
Mia
-
Hello Storm and all. I have two roasting tins and two tin plates (“made in China”) that my grandmother used to cook with. Roast beef to apple pie to cheese on toast. Been using them for the same things for 20 odd years. Don’t see any reason to buy new stuff when the old stuff works. I don’t know how ‘we’ manage to ‘consume’ all the stuff I see in shops. I guess most people don’t like old stuff and want everything new and shiny. On credit. I find that really quite nuts, I can’t understand it. My Nan wasn’t a great cook but she was my role model so I like to use her stuff.
My breadboard is one I rescued from the broken-down derelict house where I used to spend time, ‘live’ I guess, with the man who I walked away from and have not ‘got over’. Every day I guess it chides me, or something. He’d left and I found it amongst the broken stuff so I kept it. It’s also quite useful, practical. Probably.
I have a few items my grandfather brought back from 'foreign parts' when he was on business. I stole/removed these from their house, when he was dead and my grandmother was living in a care home. I treasure those things. No-one else would know that they were/are important to me. Their son, my father, is a compulsive keeper of stuff, without discrimination. Obsessed in a bad way with old stuff. Broken stuff, rubbish, things that he doesn’t even know who they belonged to or what they are. Drives step-mother to distraction.
I have my parents’ wedding album. Dad gave it to me when I was pre-teen. I don’t like it. The people getting married are clearly not together. They’re both doing it for some spectacle, like film stars. I asked my mother once for her engagement ring to my father (she was showing me her jewellery…?) and she refused.
I have love letters from my 17 year old not-yet-mother to my not-yet-father (discovered and stolen/removed from grandparents’ house). I have love letters from both grandparents to each other. And a half-penny from 1868. And a Gold Sovereign that my grandmother’s brother sent back (literally) from the WW1 trenches, before he died there. She gave it to me saying she’d know I’d look after it. She didn’t give it to my father?
When my step-father died, mother mentioned that perhaps she should give his ring (which was his mother’s) to his daughter by his first marriage. I said I thought that would be appropriate. I was shocked beyond words the next time I saw her, to see her wearing it. Like she’d appropriated his image, had swelled herself up with his personality, was feeding somehow. She carries his photo in her (man’s) wallet. She has never carried my photo. This is the man who “ruined her life”. This is the man who verbally tortured her. This is the man who controlled her every move. She forgets that this was the man I had to live with. Sorry.
I have my past life in a box, diaries, writings, photos, letters. I have many letters from my mother and father, sent to me from each others’ houses. I guess invading each other’s houses through me. People stick stuff through a hole in my house, I find that intrusive, don’t you? US-style box-on-a-post letterboxes are so much better.
It’s all tat. Other stuff I chuck out, although I do have every salary advice I’ve earned. (I can defend that little pile, quite illogically.) And I’m beginning to see how I’ve accepted the role as the repository for all the paternal family’s stuff. Another responsibility. What a responsible child I must have been.
Thanks Stormchild. Anything of interest/similarity for you there? Why are they ‘transitional’ objects (what does that mean please?).
-
Forgot to add: You still hang on to stuff b/c things you're parents were stingy towards you after making promises to be otherwise. You are afraid to let anything go b/c you don't think you'll be fortunate enough to get a *replacement* for them. So you cling to things for dear life. You tend to hoard things since you were constantly denied love and affection from Mom and Dad.
(I do realize I could be completely off base)
Mia
-
it's just that this is very much not about materialism, but that's what almost everyone seems to be thinking about in response to it.
Maybe not materialsm but acquisitiveness. Why do we like to acquire and keep what we do. I've tried to hold on to a house which is the ultimate in materialsm but has little to do with why I do it. If I could keep it, it meant I had a family past and present since we have owned it for almost 50 years. It was my ultimate attempt to make everything alright. Even though my n mom lived there, my present family could live there now and there would be music and laughter. Hasn't worked out that way ... but in coming to terms with the fact that I couldn't keep it, I learned the real reason I wanted to. Bittles
-
The owl story broke my heart also. How can parents be so cruel. Oh, yea, (slapping forehead), their own sad upbringing.
I am a lover of all things old. Have an old house, similar to one I grew up in. Even as a child, new houses left me cold. Like antiques, all things Victorian, 50's memorabilia, Indian artifacts. History in general. I do seem to have some longing for the past but it is beyond my lifespan so not sure where it comes from
Drive a 10 year old car and not particularly hung up on possessions as far as acquiring all the latest and greatest everything. Stereo is over 30 years old. Guess I am what some people would call a throwback.
-
I treasure my grandfather's tools and some of the things I drew/made way back in pre-school. I also treasure pictures and videos of my daughter when she was little.
I also tend to hoard things and information for the day when "I might need them." This definitely comes out of a scarcity mentality from my childhood. I alwyas had things then, but not closeness which is what I really wanted. I have been slowly cleaning things out and throwing away anything that I haven't used in the last year. That is most of the junk that I have accumulated! I am also taking the opportunity of my upcoming move to go through things as I unpack and toss anything that I no longer need. A fresh start feels good!
-
Hi - can't stay long, have to be somewhere today and need to get ready - wanted to check in though, say thanks. thanks everyone - this is really interesting 'stuff' being shared & thought through.
Transitional object is psychspeak... it applies to stuff like a kid's 'security blanket' or favorite teddy bear, the things a child holds on to as he or she ventures away from being a child. Since a lot of my 'trash treasures' are from my childhood the term seems appropriate.
I'm not exactly a hoarder, either. I moved coast to coast and twice transatlantically and all my stuff still fits into a smallish removal van. Furniture isn't buried under cartons and clutter, closets aren't rubbish tips.
It's just certain things, with really strong emotional tags on them. Not all related to my folks... several pieces of cat furniture that I still have, one even older than the 22 y.o. condo I mentioned.
But yeah, they all give me a feeling of having been safe and loved once, somewhere by someone, or at least of having thought I was. Hmmm.
-
(((((Oh, bittles. What a terrible memory to have to carry.)))))
-
(((((((((((((((((Bittles)))))))))))))))))))))))
You're Mother sounds much like mine. Everybody loved her at work and church, etc....if they only knew what went on behind closed doors. Material things were always more important than her children. Unless of course they were ours. I came home home many times and found much of my bedroom thrown out the window...2 stories down! One time she cracked me with a wooden vase for talking during her soap and broke my wrist, to this day she denies that. Anyway, lets' say it wasn't a happy home life, to which I rebelled. I forgave her many years ago for what she did to me as I felt pity for her, thought her heart must of been a cold, dark and lonely place. I have had a hard time of letting go with how she treated my father. Now she is elderly and can show the love we so desperately wanted as children to her grandchildren. She was a pack-rat as well held onto many things which to most were meaningless. Funny, today I find very little meaning in posessions and seek more for the meaning in feelings....does that make sense?
-
What a sad thread this is, because its not about the objects at all.
Its sad that so many people only have little keepsakes to remind them of the few pleasant memories they have from childhood, or keepsakes that remind them of the things they wished they could have, and maybe still hope for, even now when they know its impossible.
Or even worse things that remind them of how bad things were. Like little owls and wooden vases and broken figurines used to hurt little children by selfish 'adults'.
Off the top of my head I can think of virtually nothing I have kept with me from my childhood. Maybe because I had a relatively happy one?
mudpuppy
-
Mud said:
Off the top of my head I can think of virtually nothing I have kept with me from my childhood. Maybe because I had a relatively happy one?
I can't either. I would describe my childhood as happy too.
On the flip side of the coin: I have been saving things for my kids and putting together memories (scrapbooks, journals, etc). Hmmm...wonder if I'm overcompensating b/c I feel guilty that I gave them a N Dad?
Mia
-
OMG, N! It happened to someone else!!! I don't know how you forgave her especially if she denied it happened. I was scared of my mother for as long as I can remember and until the day she died. She was 86 and I was 47. I've never been as scared of someone except for my husband. It wasn't so much "what" happened but it was, at least for me, the absolute denial of my memories of it, My Reality! I have to go think about this. And, thank you for sharing. It has been a leap of faith at times to acknowledge she was sick and not that I was a bad kid. I was really a pretty good kid! But when your parent does something like that to you, I carried around doubt about myself which my husband used quite skillfully to keep me in line. So, the cycle continues but I'm breaking it now...sorry, I am rambling. Thank you again.
-
...sorry, I am rambling.
No, luv, you're healing.
((((((((((bittles))))))))))
-
thank you guest
-
(((((Stormchild))))) :)
Thanks for posting this thread. There were two people, thank God, that I felt loved by as a child. When they died I kept strange things that reminded me of them. My dear Great Uncle used rubber bands to bind everything together. To this day, he's been dead for 11 1/2 years, I can't throw away his rubberbands.
My Baba (Grandmother) died about 5 years ago. I keep one of her purses in a plastic ziplock bag because it preserves her scent. I miss her scent. I have a few other items from her, but everything with value was hoarded by her N children.
I felt love from these people. Without them I would probably be dead. Their little momentos are priceless to me. I don't care if people think I'm wierd for saving rubberbands or preserving my Grandmother's scent. I suppose I'm a sentimental girl. :?
Chutz
-
Hiya Stormy,
I was attatched to "stuff" when I was a kid, in the sense that it had an emotional meaning for me. We didn't have many toys, so we were careful with what we had. I can still remember my 2 plastic horses I had when I was seven or eight years old. Blackie and Cocoa. (Blacky was made of wood and had a broken leg and Cocoa was made of plastic and had a broken tail. Didn't matter - I loved them!) I also loved my books, and even had favourite clothing: my "adventure shorts" which were worn on adventures obviously were NOT to be confused for any ordinary pair of shorts under ANY circumstances! :lol:
When I was 12 yrs old my parents decided we would move to another country, and that remains one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. The move was sudden and badly organised. We were only allowed to take what we could carry in a suitcase. I was devastated - MY library, which I had built all by myself, was decimated. (I had maybe a hundred books and ended up taking maybe 12 - including comics) in total. Each and every book meant something to me (and they weren't all new, some had covers falling off when I got them ) they were my treasures. The toys my kid brother and I had made ourselves (like a box that was REALLY a magic car) all gone. My "adventure" shorts? No room for those, so they were given away...
A huge part of my life was/is gone forever. There was no real monetary value to those things, it was what they represented. 2 years later my mother died, and my dad just left all her stuff in my room. Except, of course, that that wasn't MY room in any sense. It was a room that I slept in. 15 years after she died my dad moved and finally decided to do something about her stuff. He's still got her jewellry and her personal things, but the clothes THANK GOD are gone. The only thing of hers that I kept was a pair of her slippers that she really loved.
To this day (I'm now 30) I have never had a feeling of home. I have very few possessions and nothing of any financial value. The thing I value the most that I've picked up post adolescence is a mug I bought in Oxford in 1991 when I went there with a friend. That mug has travelled all over the world with me and I never broke it. Then I moved back to this country (Holland) and lived with a woman who made my life a living hell for years. She was always "proud" of how non-materialistic she is while always wanting more and more STUFF, and getting into rages if "someone" used her things. I was ALWAYS careful with her things. Her boyfriend was doing the dishes one day and broke the ear off. She didn't even say "sorry". I've still got the mug.
I've tried buying stuff (like books) that I had when I was a kid, but it's not the same. I'm not really into receiving gifts either...
Sorry for the looooooooong raaaaaaaamble but I guess it's about the feelings that stuff represents. Thanks for starting this thread and letting me get some "stuff" of my chest,
2cents
-
(((((((2 cents))))))))
I'm glad to see you sharing some of your own "stuff" since you have always been of help to others.
You are so young to be so wise. You must have worked hard to get to where you are and I have faith that hard work will pay off in eventually settling your life.
I don't think we can recreate the items of value from our youth or adulthood for that matter. Items must have intrinsic value and simply replacing them will never be the same. As your life finds its path, new items will become valuable to you for different reasons.
I'm sorry for how your father treated your mother's death. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you as an adolescent for him to have "dumped" it on you.
When you're comfortable, keep sharing your story. We'll be here for you.
Bless you,
Brigid
-
I am a lover of all things old. Have an old house, similar to one I grew up in. Even as a child, new houses left me cold. Like antiques, all things Victorian, 50's memorabilia, Indian artifacts. History in general. I do seem to have some longing for the past but it is beyond my lifespan so not sure where it comes from
This resonates with me. I love Victorian houses, and want to own one one day; preferably three stories, with attics and a cellar as well. Memories of visiting my grandparents and great aunt in their massive Victorian mansions. (Just terraces, really, but they seemed huge and palatial somehow, to tiny me, and I want one!!!! :lol: )
I share this feeling of many here, that if something works, why replace it? And if something is old, it has a value way beyond monetary price.
What is that old saying about knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing? Perhaps we are the other way round; we know the value of provenance, and care nothing about the price. And by keeping nana's old brooch, which is worth nothing at all to anyone else, I keep a part of her alive. Because I value something which she valued, that means I value her too.
-
I've still got the mug.
I've tried buying stuff (like books) that I had when I was a kid, but it's not the same. I'm not really into receiving gifts either...
Sorry for the looooooooong raaaaaaaamble but I guess it's about the feelings that stuff represents. Thanks for starting this thread and letting me get some "stuff" of my chest,
2cents
I'm glad you kept the mug. And I am really sorry about all your possessions from years ago. I agree with you that you cannot recreate or retrieve these things, but perhaps you could write more about them. See how many of the books you can remember, and what was in them, and describe them in detail. Just to show that in a way they are still with you.
My brother is obsessive about throwing away anything that is either connected to the past or else broken. He 'encouraged' me to throw away all my childhood diaries one time, and I let him do it. I have always regretted that. Another part of me sent to the tip. :oops: I used to keep photographs in them, and mementos of one kind or another, and wrote a page every day for years and years, including at the time my nana died. All the memories were there. One of the photographs was of our great grandmother, and I have not seen another copy since, so it has gone, I am afraid. Stupid really. And he made our parents throw away his old carry cot from when he was a baby. I regret that loss too. It couldn't have been used now, because it would not be safe enough, I suppose, but it could have been kept. I did it to make my brother happy. He wanted me to prove that the past was gone and didn't matter.
I think this is a reaction against my Nmum, who is a hoarder, and keeps everything, which seems to be how she tries to find love or satisfaction or fulfillment somehow. It gives her a thrill for a short time to buy something, especially if she gets it cheap and can believe she has robbed or cheated or got a bargain somehow from someone else. There is a strong element of oneupmanship in her acquisitions. So my brother wanted to be different, and so threw stuff away.
Now he has a home of his own, however, it is strange to see he has started some collections of his own. Vintage toys and train sets. Weird.
-
:( Oh good God October, your diaries, I'm so sorry, I can't imagine that loss, all those precious words. I'm horrified. All the words. Criminal damage, you know what I mean, your words from the past are ------- beyond precious.
If it helps, I burned all my diaries at 16 and started new ones. I chose, but I still regret it.
And your brother sounds really quite unwell. Extreme. I'm sorry. portia
-
And your brother sounds really quite unwell. Extreme. I'm sorry. portia
You are right that he is unwell, Portia, although I would probably say damaged. Sometimes I think he is worse affected than I am, but he manages to keep his life and job going fine, whereas I am not able to. But I am more open to learn and discover the hidden skeletons in the family cupboard, which he wants to keep firmly shut, of course.
Before then, when I wrote the diaries, he used to look for them and read them. No matter how well I hid them, he would always find them. He said that if I was writing about him and the rest of the family, then he had the right to read what I said about him, and so he always did. So that stopped me being honest and open, like you need to be in a diary, and that took a lot of the fun out of it. I had some good friends at school who did the same, with a large page a day diary each. It was just something that kids do, but it was spoiled for me in the end. And then he wanted me to throw them away, so I did. I had written a journal on a school exchange trip to France as well, for which I won a prize, because it was the best one. That went out too. I should have said no, but I think I was trying to prove to him that I was not a hoarder like my mum.
He never likes talking about the past, or old photographs or anything. To him it is gone, and forgotten. Except of course, it never is really.
-
I think I find history soothing on some level. My father's parents were older when they had the kids, so technically they really were from the Victorian era. Living in an area with many old houses. draws me to them all the time. I have the old jewelry of several aunts, great aunts, grandmothers etc. I have a lot of old furniture. Thank God, a lot of my brothers like modern so there generally is no quibbling about these items.
I have ofthen attempted to interpret my draw to all things old but have never truly been able to analyze it. It is almost a spiritual thing. And here is where it gets really freaky. On at least one occasion I have had a "vision" or awake dream, (not sure what exactly to call it) involving older, (dead) relatives or friends. IF anyone is interested I will tell. Maybe others have had similar experiences or a new thread(?)
-
Blitz, in reply about dead relatives and all things from the past.
I enjoy geneology and have recently received some pictures of my GGrandparents. I love the family pictures of the 20's;the clothes were very cool. My Grandmother died when I was 1yr old. Pictures are the only way I will know them.
I will never forget the night before my aunt died I had a dream about her.(looking as a young woman she had red hair, this is why I knew it was her)in the dream she was letting me know her tired body needed to move on. She was walking down a hall opened the door transfered from her young self to her now older body.
I got the phone call early morning she had died in her sleep. I cried when I got the phone call because it freaked me out how the dream was so vivid in my mind. Most dreams I can't remember the next day, but some dreams I never forget.
I do feel like sprits are around me I don't know if they are dead relatives or not but I often wonder if sprits are just any sprits or the family members that have some connection to us.
I love this stuff and find it to be a special part of my life.
OR
-
Wow, the dream is pretty powerful.
The following event happened regarding a next door neighbor I was very close to growing up.
About ten years ago, I had gone to a baseball game with my nieces. When I came home I was really tired. I was lying on the bed watching the three tenors sing. Pavoratti, (sp?) was singing "Ave Maria". I wasnt asleep although suddenly a video like thing was running through my head, while he was singing, "Ava Maria".
It was like watching a silent movie. Two young adult girls, or maybe teen-agers, in early 1900's attire, were kind of playing, chasing each other, back and forth in the hallway of an older Victorian style house. It was herky, jerky, like a silent movie. I didnt know what to make of it and just said to myself, "well enjoy the ride" so as to not disturb this event.
The next day I found out this believed naighbor had been dying that night. I didnt know it. I am sure in some way she was tyring to reach me. She had a sister, who I belive was still alive at that time. They lived in a very old house growing up which would have fit the description.
Prety freaky. Just in case you wonder, I don't drink or take mind altering drugs. Looks like I dont need them.