Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Cadbury on May 08, 2005, 04:35:13 PM
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Hi everyone,
First wanted to apologise about not replying to many posts recently. I feel very selfish now asking for advice myself. I have got a lot going on and I just don't get a spare minute.
My baby is due in a week. I have finally managed to distance myself from my ex-N a great deal. I have moved house, and while he knows where I live he has never been here. I haven't seen him in person for over a month. However, the baby is due soon and so we have had to have some contact regarding this. I would feel happier if he wasn't any part of it at all. I am not worried about coping with the baby as I love babies and have two daughters already. I do worry about his influence on this baby. Today he sent me an email that says he will be guided by me. (This is part of his new "caring" attitude - trying to prove I have him all wrong). He says in the email that when I am ready I can let him see the baby. If I would rather he was no part of our lives he will respect that too (he says).
Now, I would love it if I thought for a moment that he means what he says, but I don't. He is too manipulative to be willing to let us go that easily. I think he would find some way to turn it all round to his advantage. I can't think what, but my instincts are screaming out here!
I have a couple of things to my advantage. He has a conviction for child abduction. He abducted his own child a few years ago. Now, in his defence the mother was just as nutty as him, if not more so. He also has won his child back and now has custody. However, this is more because social services had no other choice than him being the best choice. (my opinion anyway). This is to my advantage in that if I wanted to I could insist on supervised visits only with no overnight stays. I am tempted to do this, but worry about how he would react.
Sorry if this is so garbled, but I am so frightened about having to see him again that my head is a whirl. I have fought so hard to get him out of my life and now I HAVE to see him again. Does anyone have any advice at all? Baby is due on Friday (the thirteenth - an omen?!!) so could come at any minute. For some reason, because I was late with my daughters, I am assuming I'll be late again, but obviously that needn't be the case!
Thank you for any replies
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Hi Cadbury
Why do you have to see him? Are there paternal rights laws in the UK that force you into this situation?
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There is a big thing called "Fathers for Justice" that is all about Father's rights to see their children. In the majority of cases I would agree, but I just worry about how he may affect the baby. It does mean that if he took me to court for visitation he would definitely get some visitation rights. I am looking into centres where I can turn up with the baby and a social worker then passes he/she over to the father. However, I then worry that this may be bad for the baby when it comes to seeing "grown up" relationships. I may be overly hormonal and worrying too much, but it keeps me awake at night!
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My advice would be to delay making any decision on this. Delay it now because the baby is due. Then delay it because you are so busy with looking after the new arrival. Then delay it because the baby is teething. Anything you like, to give you time to consider what is right for you and your children.
And carry on listening to your intuitions on this one. I am sure they can be trusted!!
This is not a bad, or a selfish, way to behave. It is sensible and right. Who would want to be making such decisions so soon before your new baby arrives?
Procrastinate forever, I would say. :lol:
All the best for the coming days. How wonderful!!!!!!! :lol: :)
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Ahh, but you and he did not have a grown-up relationship, because he is incapable of having one; anything that he models for your child that pretends to be a grown-up relationship with you will be a chimera and a lie.
Given his history of child abduction you may be wise to talk to a legal person about having his visits totally supervised, if not limited to a room in a public building... and I'd definitely consider having a social worker interface so that you don't have to interact with him during the visits. We do that over here, in some states, in some cases. This would model appropriate boundary setting, which children rarely if ever see...
But I have no direct experience here, and there are many wiser heads than mine. Hopefully they'll turn up here soon. In the meantime, despite all the irony, if it is Mothering Sunday there, best wishes to you (it's Mother's Day here)! In fact, best wishes to you regardless.
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Thank for the replies so far. It really helps to get an outside perspective. It stops me from getting so wrapped up in my own worries that I forget that he is the problem, not me. I will try and sleep on it all tonight - unless baby decides to come! Thank you, I have been feeling so desperate.
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I think it may be part of what is called the 'nesting' instinct. You are trying to sort things out, and make everything right for your new baby. I remember this part of late pregnancy, and going crazy with spring cleaning everything I could find!!! I couldn't stop. :lol:
Maybe go through catalogues and 'window shop' for new baby clothes, or buy some nice new toiletries for you all instead. Or read baby name books, just for fun. It might help to shift the focus onto the baby and you instead. :)
Do you have presents to give to your daughters from the new baby? I only have one child, but I have heard of that being done, and thought it was sweet.
:)
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Cadbury: I sure remember the last weeks of my pregnancies...very emotional, never mind having a situation like yours to be concerned about. I know that even here in the states, newborn infants are rarely separated for lengthy or overnight visits to the non custodial father...(esp. important if you are breast feeding).
Trust your instincts on this, and don't worry about him. Take care of your little family and let this interloper do his own work to see his child.
I would not make it simple for him, or fall for his "niceties" right now.
If he has abducted a child before, even though circumstances were different, he may do so again, so yes, get legal advice.
If he wants his "rights" let him do the work...don't make it easy for him.
Your focus is you and your sweethearts, let him worry about himself...not your problem.
I hope the birth is easy!!
Oh, and I did give a gift to my older one when my second was born...only not from the "baby" (he would have raised an eyebrow to that ruse)...just a gift for the new big brother...special day for him too!
But I'm sure you are an old pro already! Best of everything!!!!
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your ex isn't the priority now.
You won't need to worry about overnight visits or anything like that for some time.
If he says he's caring now call him on it- tell him you need some space. Use it to push him into therapy if you can ( I know it's not so good in the UK as here in the US ) That's what I did and it turned our situation around.
But for right now, you and your girls and your new baby are all you need to be thinking about.
And for goodness sake don't feel selfish for posting- post as much as you need to; watching and helping each other cope is so encouraging for us all.
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Herne Bay Citizens Advice Bureau
185/187 High Street
HERNE BAY
Kent
CT6 5AF
Telephone:
08701 264062 - Adviceline
01227 740647 - for appointments
Fax:
01227 740647
Map:
Link to map
Get down to see them today!!! They will help you with all the legal issues surrounding custody / visitation. Good luck with the baby.
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Thank you everyone. I really appreciate this.
Today he has sent me offline messages on yahoo saying that he doesn't understand my anger towards him and that the time he spent with me was the best he ever had. I am quite carefully NOT responding. Even though all the injustices are making me scream.
I have got my daughters little presents from the baby (they are only small so they shouldn't be too suspicious!). I am trying hard to concentrate on the joy of having a new baby and ignoring all his attempts to push his way in.
Thank you guest1 for the address, I will contact them today.
The thing that makes me feel so stupid over it all is that I am still thinking about his needs and wants and trying to work out ways to keep him happy, when I don't have to anymore. I have never been in such a destructive relationship and sometimes dealing with the aftermath and all the crap he has left me with is so hard, I don't know where to turn.
I have taken all your advice on board and will be thinking only of myself and my beautiful children. I think it is good advice to make him work for it all. Thanks again.
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At the moment he is sending me messages on yahoo. I am signed in as invisible so he has been having a half hour conversation with himself! I laugh, but it is actually quite, if not very, depressing. He goes round and round in circles with his discussions and arguments. I would love someone to read what he has written and give me their honest opinion on whether or not they think he has a problem. He has now come up with the reason for his past behaviour as being "emotional strain". He says he was falling apart emotionally and I asked too much of him.
The thing is all this emotional strain is from HIM abducting HIS OWN child. He says the way he has been treated since he has been back has caused him to be the way he is. He has no concept of what he did being wrong (at least legally). He really thinks that he should have been left alone when he (willingly) came back into the country. No prison, nothing. I have tried (gently) to suggest that whether he was morally right or not he stilll broke the law and that was never going to go unpunished. It's like none of it was his fault, but someone else's. Is this all part of his NPD?
I think he has an excuse for everything and no matter what anyone says he will have some excuse for why he did it. Never his fault. That's what he is doing now - coming up for an hour talking to himself on messenger about all his "reasons" for treating me like s*&t!
I think I'll go and have a good cry then eat a ton of choclate!
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Cadbury, when you do talk to the legal folks in Herne Bay, you might do well to take a bunch of his recent email messages along to show them. There's nothing as convincing as letting someone else see what these creatures do and say to us when they think nobody is looking. They convict themselves faster and more permanently than any testimony from us ever could.
Also, does your Yahoo! account route to your local mailbox - in other words, can you tell your computer to label all his communications as 'Junk' and stick them in a separate drawer? You don't want to label them as 'spam' because some spam blockers will simply refuse them, ans as long as you need them for evidence, etc., you will want to receive them. But you want them someplace where YOU are the one who decides when to look at them or not.
Good luck, mom-to-be-again, and congratulations!
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Dear Cadbury:
So sorry to hear that this goof is messing up what should be a very joyful time....the birth of your child. Wish I could come over there and deal with him for you. I'd get him going good!! (heehee).
"So tell me again, how you are a victim and haven't done anything wrong in your entire life? Oh I see.....and you really think you are innocent?
I didn't quite get what you said Cadbury did to you? Can you repeat it all again? Tell me what you didn't do again? That's interesting how you see the responsibility as..not yours. Why is that again?...............etc..."
Maybe he would enjoy hearing his own mouth saying the same junk over and over again! Keep him busy and out of your hair. :D Keep him occupied. Then........ :shock: ........tell him he's full of ........stuff, and walk away. Double P him off, so he would follow me and focus his anger on me. I could keep him busy for some time and take the pressure off of you. 8) Be his listener and then....his target. I could then change my mind and say: "Wait a minute......you could be right! Tell me again!!"
:evil: :evil: Cat and mouse. :D OOOOOOOOooooo I'd love to!!!
Anyhow......please do try to focus on you and baby right now. As October said, you can procrastinate for awhile and just enjoy your new addition to your family....when he/she arrives. That's really what matters right now, not him. He can go pee up a tree in a bad wind!!! Probably do him good!!
I will keep you in my prayers. Sending you warm thoughts and lot's of hugs. ((((((((Cadbury)))))))
GFN
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:) Cadbury,
I hope you find a little more peace in the coming weeks.
Maybe you could check out this site below. It's for people coming out of/ coping with abusive relationships and seems packed with info and help.
http://drirene.com/
The support board there is helpful to those who are still confused about whether they really have been through what they think they have.
Best wishes for you and your little family. :)
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Hi Cadbury,
If I would rather he was no part of our lives he will respect that too (he says).
Be sure and show this written statement to someone.
I have no idea what the laws in UK are concerning this, but perhaps you could write back "I accept your magnanimous offer to permanently stay out of our lives" and have it enforced as a binding contract. Maybe? Worth asking about.
Twould be nice twere that simple. :D
mudpup
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Thank you again everyone!
Today has been difficult. I have spoken to a solicitor who has opened a file about it, so that if anything does happen I have something started. She gave me a lot of advice about the legalities. She said it will always come down to what is best for the baby. I have been keeping all his mad rambling emails and yahoo messages so I have a lot of proof. The best one is that today he has sent me a message where he actually says he is mentally unstable. This would be very helpful in a court of law I feel!
I am trying to focus on my little family. I have decided that I won't allow him to be at the birth, but I won't tell him this. That way it happens as I want it, but I don't get bombarded with requests every day until I give birth. I will also allow him to make the first move regarding contact. I think that he may have shot himself in the foot by going on about how mentally unstable he is. He thinks that it is a good way to excuse all his behaviour, but I now have his own admission so how could I let him look after a baby?
Thank you Gardener for the link I have looked at it and it does help.
GFN - you really cheered me up, I wish someone would do that to him! Although I am beginning to realise that being ignored is hurting him more than anything.
Just remembered in one email he sent today he wrote:
I mean to say that now you don't love me anymore there is no reason for me to want you.
I am glad he feels that way, but why can't he see that this is not how normal people work? Why would you only want someone who loved you? I thought it summed up his NPD very well.
I have now had two really strong Braxton Hicks contractions which almost hurt, so here's hoping baby gets here soon!
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I mean to say that now you don't love me anymore there is no reason for me to want you.
Cadbury
This says EVERYTHING about him.......... Never forget this sentence. We will all be thinking of you and the impending birth of your lovely little baby.
You've done the right thing going to a solicitor and keeping evidence.
Focus on the children - it's clear you are a lovely Mum.
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Thanks Serena.
I am spending today printing off emails and yahoo stuff from him. He has admitted he was wrong, that he treats his son badly and that he is mentally unstable. He obviously thinks that this is unimportant, but I think once it is all filed and dated etc he will have supervised visits only with the beautiful new baby.
P.S. I know the baby will be beautiful because it's MINE and I have the most beautiful children in the world. No, really I do!
Actually, I never understood the thinking your children were the most beautiful ever thing. I used to think that surely the mothers of odd looking children would have to know that theirs weren't the most gorgeous. Then I had children! And I discovered that all children are beautiful! And all mothers think their's are the best. I was sitting in hospital after having my first feeling so sorry for all the mothers who'd delivered "ordinary" babies. I truly thought they must all be sitting there feeling jealous of my baby! Then I spoke to some friends and apparently every mother thinks that!
I am feeling a little more upbeat today. Now I have started putting him to the back of everything and taking action, I feel like I'm getting somewhere. The strange thing is that I think I was still frightened of him enough to worry about what HE would think if he knew. It has taken talking to you all on here to realise that I don't have to think that way any more. Thank you all!
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Hiya Cadbury:
Now I have started putting him to the back of everything and taking action, I feel like I'm getting somewhere.
Thata girl Cadbury!!! He's silly and stupid anyhow. :roll:
I don't have to think that way any more.
You're sooooo right too!! You don't have to think anything. You can think whatever you want, however you want, whenever you want, and there isn't a thing he can do about it!!
So think away!! Imagine him stepping into a huge garbage can and the lid closing on him, locking shut, containing him forever. Or see him rolled up in a rug, carted away by a forklift, and then stacked with hundreds of others like him/it, in the high back shelf of a factory, with a sign posted over it: "Rejects--not for sale".
Your sweet beautiful little baby is coming soon!! That's what matters! That's what you can focus on.
Here's wishing you and baby a quick, safe, easy journey to eachother's arms. I bet your other kids are excited!! :D :D
Take care of you and baby, Cadbury, and all will be well!!
((((((((Cadbury))))))))
GFN