Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: zeene on May 11, 2005, 12:22:59 AM
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I deliberately chose not to send N Mother a Mothers Day Card as I have been slowly trying to divorce myself from her....but its not working. She has abused me as a child and as an adult I have been through lots of tough times with her .... mainly concerning her lack of love.....EXTREME lack of love....nothing....caput.
I only usually get a phone call from her about once or twice a year...she lives in the next city to me. This morning I was awoken out of bed by the phone ringing...It was her. It seems she wanted to know where I've been as the phone has been ringing out....It hasn't I've been home. I had been away camping for a week previously though and when I told her this she said "Oh that's why". I'm presuming that she thinks thats why I didn't send her a Mothers Day Card...because I was away. The sadness in her voice was evitable. Obviously her supply is lacking. Being "THE PERFECT" mother she would expect a card wouldn't she? When I hung up the phone I was feeling guilty for not sending that card. But then I realized that it was unrealistic guilt and guilt I had been trained to feel. As a small child I always felt responsible for making her feel happy with gifts and such and for her happiness in general......I was used to keeping up her supply.....making her needs met. It should have been the other way around....Her...the mother....meeting my needs as a small child. But it wasn't. So I, as a small child played the role of the overly responsible adult towards this sick woman.
But insight came to me today when I realized that I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER N SUPPLY. NOT ANY MORE THAT IS. IT HAS BEEN A LONG SLOW REALIZATION. My guilt feelings have diminished. But I can't help feeling sorry for this N Mother....always having to find ways of having her Supply topped up....on the prowl....like a vulture.
Any one else know what I mean? I feel alone in this. I live in Australia and can't find anyone to talk to.
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Hi Zeene,
Welcome - I've always thought Australia sounded like a cool place. Many of us struggle with N parents. They are quite a burden to recover from and negotiate. I have found therapy and 12 step Al Anon work to be very helpful.
I've had to completely detach because of my N Mom's malice. I wish it didn't have to go this far, but she gave me no choice. I think as we begin to heal from the impact of our M's illness the choices we need to make to take care of ourselves become more clear. Her illness has invaded my heart - I still have very difficult days. But, I am glad to know that I'm making the right choice in my relationship with her.
I wish you the best and hope you find lots of help on this site. :)
Take care,
Chutzbagirl
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Hello Chutz
Thanks for such a warm welcome.
I am thinking seriously about counselling...I wished I would have gone years ago. I think you call that "therapy" in USA.
Will I ever RECOVER from her? Your letter sounds hopeful for me to do this. I think I may be beginning to heal because now I've got more knowledge of NPD her comments don't seem to leave me CONFUSED and I seem to see more where she's coming from. Before I got the knowledge I had No idea and was so bewildered by her behavior and used to feel there was something wrong with me for not being loved by her.
I can't help feeling sorry for her for having that disorder...but that doesn't make me see reality more clearly...that she will always be like this.
Thanks for your good wishes. I really did a sigh of relief to hear from someone.
Bye from me
Zeene
Hi Zeene,
Welcome - I've always thought Australia sounded like a cool place. Many of us struggle with N parents. They are quite a burden to recover from and negotiate. I have found therapy and 12 step Al Anon work to be very helpful.
I've had to completely detach because of my N Mom's malice. I wish it didn't have to go this far, but she gave me no choice. I think as we begin to heal from the impact of our M's illness the choices we need to make to take care of ourselves become more clear. Her illness has invaded my heart - I still have very difficult days. But, I am glad to know that I'm making the right choice in my relationship with her.
I wish you the best and hope you find lots of help on this site. :)
Take care,
Chutzbagirl
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Zeene:
Welcome from the land of Oz! I am glad that you have posted here. You will find a great many people who have had the N experience such as yours. If you think going to therapy will help, then go for it. Ns are very good at pulling the strings to manipulate to get their supply. Obviously your N mum and no feedback and so she had to create some. i.e. she called you just to "test" to see if it were still available. So don't feel guilty. The guilt comes in when your are "supposed" to care for your parents no matter what. It is typical of abusers that they will beat you up, humiliate you, use you and then the next day, poof, nothing happened at all. What are you supposed to do wait around for the next round of "abuse/love" cycle? I don't think so. This is just my 2c.
Again welcome to this site. This is a place of sanctuary and understanding.
Keep on keeping on
Patz
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Hello and welcome Zeene:
I have been through lots of tough times with her .... mainly concerning her lack of love.....EXTREME lack of love....nothing....caput.
Understanding that she has this disorder, if she is NDP, will possibly help you to take the blame away from yourself (away from thinking that there must be something wrong with you....since she doesn't express love to you...if you have or ever have such thoughts), and possibly, knowing about NDP will help you to develop ways of detaching further from her, if that is your choice, or responding to her....when she calls twice per year.
But.....knowing and understanding about this stuff does not erase the hurt you may feel.....by her lack of loving you. This is a great loss and something anyone would feel very sad/hurt/confused/angry/frustrated/ etc
about. I think, if you have not ever been to counselling....it might help.
If you find a councellor/therapist who knows about NDP, that will be good too. But no therapist/counsellor will be able to do the mourning/grieving of the things you have missed/done without/lost. These feelings will need to be released, if they haven't already. They may rebuild/repeat.....while exploring the past/present situation with your mother. Hopefully, you will find someone you feel very comfortable with and who will encourage you along the way.
I hope you will keep posting and reading and that you will find support here on your way to healing. (((((((Zeene))))))))
GFN
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As a small child I always felt responsible for making her feel happy with gifts and such and for her happiness in general......I was used to keeping up her supply.....making her needs met. It should have been the other way around....Her...the mother....meeting my needs as a small child. But it wasn't. So I, as a small child played the role of the overly responsible adult towards this sick woman.
quote]
Took me awhile but it finally dawned on me that this is what I'd done all my life as well. I had to mother her. The therapist my ex and I went to told me I didn't have a mother. I knew that by then. The same is true of my dad. He expects us to act like his parent.
Yes, when mom was sad (a lot) I had to try to cheer her up and make her feel loved. I made little cards for her and wrote nice things about her and did chores for her, saved the pittance that was my lunch money and went without lunch so I could buy her little gifts. None of it was ever appreciated or enough.
Personally, I would love just to not have contact anymore. She still keeps bugging me when I restrict it though. Then the ex-N figured out she was upsetting to me and so he fixed it so I'd have more interaction with her.
Yes, I do know what you're talking about.
On a happier note, it's nice to meet an Aussie! One day I will get there.
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Oops. Lost my name above. That was me.
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Oops. Lost my name above. That was me.
I sent a long reply....but it got lost...because it didn't turn up here. So here goes again.
Thanks Patz, GFN and astrofemme. I am overwhelmed by your response and its good to find some friends and some real warmth.
As a small child I was beaten by my father (he was co-dependant and did everything she told him to) and she'd sit at her sewing machine and smirk. The next day I was expected to kiss her feet. Bow down to her. She is a Sadist! It's sick!
I had a serious car accident while my children were away down south on access with their father. I was given a drug in a hotel....slipped into my Coke. But that's another story...I don't usually go into pubs nor do I take drugs. I wrote my brand new car off. I fractured my skull in two places, fractured my knee-cap,broke my R leg and was in shock. The next day I rang N Mother (I can't bring myself to say Mum...it sounds too close) I thought I would get a visit or some kind of help. But nothing....no visits in the fourteen days I was in hospital....even though she lived 20 minutes from the hospital. I was allowed out the day my children came home on the plane. My children had to look after me...no help from N mother....nothing. She stayed away from me the whole time I was this way. Nice mother eh? and I'm supposed to send her a Mothers Day Card.
About a year after that I was robbed completely. Nothing left except the 8 sets of dirty clothes in the laundry pile in the bathroom. I was moving house and they came in and got all the stuff while I was asleep in my flat.
Immediately after it happened I was walking not far from the house towards town when my N Mother appeared with my father. She said "We're coming for lunch" I said "I've just been robbed" and with that and without a word they turned the car around and left me standing there. No lift down town....no nothing. No "Oh I'll help you ....here's an old T Towel" no nothing. Just left standing there. Great eh? and I'm supposed to buy her a lovely expensive present for her birthday and tell her how wonderful she is....which I do...very hypocritical of me. But I feel guilty if I don't.
I have been fantasizing about her dying lately. But I remember the old BITCH said to me last year "I'm going to outlive you".
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Zeene:
Welcome from the land of Oz! I am glad that you have posted here. You will find a great many people who have had the N experience such as yours. If you think going to therapy will help, then go for it. Ns are very good at pulling the strings to manipulate to get their supply. Obviously your N mum and no feedback and so she had to create some. i.e. she called you just to "test" to see if it were still available. So don't feel guilty. The guilt comes in when your are "supposed" to care for your parents no matter what.[url] yoIt is typical of abusers that they will beat u up, humiliate you, use you and then the next day, poof, nothing happened at all.
[/uryes, why is that I wonder. That they can go on like nothing happened. that has got me puzzled.....and is part of the pain.l] What are you supposed to do wait around for the next round of "abuse/
love" cycle? I don't think so. This is just my 2c.
Again welcome to this site. This is a place of sanctuary and understanding.
Keep on keeping on
Patz
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Hello and welcome Zeene:
I have been through lots of tough times with her .... mainly concerning her lack of love.....EXTREME lack of love....nothing....caput.
Understanding that she has this disorder, if she is NDP, will possibly help you to take the blame away from yourself (away from thinking that there must be something wrong with you....since she doesn't express love to you...if you have or ever have such thoughts), and possibly, knowing about NDP will help you to develop ways of detaching further from her, if that is your choice, or responding to her....when she calls twice per year.
But.....knowing and understanding about this stuff does not erase the hurt you may feel.....by her lack of loving you. This is a great loss and something anyone would feel very sad/hurt/confused/angry/frustrated/ etc
about. I think, if you have not ever been to counselling....it might help.
If you find a councellor/therapist who knows about NDP, that will be good too. But no therapist/counsellor will be able to do the mourning/grieving of the things you have missed/done without/lost. These feelings will need to be released, if they haven't already. They may rebuild/repeat.....while exploring the past/present situation with your mother. Hopefully, you will
find someone you feel very comfortable with and who will encourage you along the way.
I hope you will keep posting and reading and that you will find support here on your way to healing. (((((((Zeene))))))))
GFN
http://there are so many feelings locked away inside of me.....its scary to think of that. Do you know what happens if they're not released?(http://)Also, can someone please help me to send a message properly. I don't mean to quote the whole message...just the quote and don't know how? feeling dumb about this.
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"I had to mother her. The therapist my ex and I went to told me I didn't have a mother. I knew that by then. "
I have all my life felt like I didn't have a mother either. My grandmother was a kind and loving lady....and I felt she was a real mother to me....but she's dead now. Before she died she said about N: "She's no good1"
I would also like to have no contact. Sometimes I feel like I'm addicted to the pain now.
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Zeene,
Welcome. I joined this site only a few months ago and have found it to be an incredible sanctuary. I'm glad you found us!
Your experience probably resonates with everyone here, in one way or another. The pain is very real. And, from what i hear from our friends here, the cycle isn't short for overcoming it - in part because these events happend when we were children, so they formed who we are today. Our thoughts, our expectations - of ourselves and others.
I keep trying to find an analogy for it, but I feel like dealing and slowly accepting the situation, learning to cope with whatever interaction we still have, and learning who we really are - I feel like these things do hurt. Alot. but, it is a different kind of pain that you experience when you're inside the system.
I remember feeling this sort of boiling over anger - almost a rage. Of course, i silenced it and smiled. But, Id reach these points when my muscles hurt with the strain of it - and I'd just wait for bedtime when I could burst into tears in the quiet of my own room - and hopefully let some of the tension go. that was painful.
these days, I just find myself crying and reliving - but all of it is healing. Like I'm slowly cleaning a wound. It is sore, and the antiseptic stings - but it will heal. I'm no longer picking the scab over and over...
Welcome, again.. and we'll be here through your journey...
--FlowerGirl
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Zeene:
Your parents are abusive and you need to stay away from them. I cannot imagine having a daughter in the hospital, a daughter who has been robbed, and treat them the way they have treated you. I am telling you right now that you DESERVE so much better.
I had a (deceased) N father. He was emotionally abusive, verbally abusive toward my mother. Of course my mother was a doormat, maryter type so she stayed. The short version of my story is that my N father had many affairs, fathered a child (whom he did not support either) lied to my mother about it. When my mum passed away, my N father married this woman and expected me to go along with it. Despite what had transpired before with regard to my mother, he relegated it to "lets just forget about it".
It was at that point I told him if he tried to call I would not answer, if he tried to visit I would call the police, if he sent "guilt money" in the mail the checks would be torn up, if he tried to visit my son I would call the police. There comes a point in time when you have to protect yourself as if you are a child. Would you treat your child the way your parents treat you. I would hope not. So you are protecting the child within yourself from this abuse. This is the conclusion I came to and I am not sorry one bit. It protected me from useless emotional abuse, indifference and pain.
Just keep coming here where we can be there for you.
Love
Patz
Keep on keeping on
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Your parents are abusive and you need to stay away from them.
It was at that point I told him if he tried to call I would not answer, if he tried to visit I would call the police, if he sent "guilt money" in the mail the checks would be torn up, if he tried to visit my son I would call the police.
Yes, they are liars too. I would never treat my children the way they have treated me.
I see what you mean about protecting the child within from further abuse. I wish I could be as brave as you are. I wish I would have disconnected years ago.
I'll bet your N Father had a terrible death. I hope so.
Thank you for your loving concern.
Zeene
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Zeene:
He had emphysema (sp) from smoking and it was a slow death. He only married the "other" woman so she could take care of him. I have never seen such an individual be so afraid of dying. At his funeral I did not shed a tear. The disconnect was total. I went out of respect for my N brothers. Patz
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Hello Zeene:
I posted to your other thread but forgot to say: Welcome.
Reading the bit you've posted here also makes me feel very, very sad.
I am so sorry that you had to endure such pain from those who are supposed to love and protect you. That is so awful and unfair. :(
I wish I could be as brave as you are.
You are very brave, Zeene. You went on without their/her help. You survived, regardless of their horrible selfishness and mistreatment. And you are here....reaching out for support...which shows your courage to try to help yourself heal!! You are very brave and I admire you very much!!
Patz: I'm sorry for all you've been through too. I don't know if I have ever expressed that and I know I have read bits and bits of what you have endured and I am so sorry that you have had to go through it. You are also a brave soul, one I admire.
You always wish people to keep on keeping on.....and that is exactly what you have done, regardless of what calamity you have had to face. Good for you Patz!! I'm sure it has not been easy sometimes. :(
GFN
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Dear GFN
You made me cry because you said I was brave.
You are nice to me. I felt really loved. Thanks.
Zeene :wink:
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Oh dear ((((((((Zeene))))))):
It's ok to cry. :cry: I'm sorry that I made you cry and I'm glad I made you cry. Does that make sense? :shock: I'm sorry because I certainly don't want you to be sad but I'm glad because I think maybe you are just releasing some of the sadness that you are carrying around in you..and that is a good thing. It needs to come out.
I'm also glad that you feel loved because really...in a weird way...I do love you. Not that I know you or have any reasonable reason to say that but just that as a human being, who has suffered.. I love you very deeply and want to let you know that. You deserve to be loved and definately not treated the way you have been treated. You deserve to be heard and to feel safe.
There are all kinds of love and this kind is the cyber love of a stranger. I don't know you and you don't know me but I really do know what if feels like to have been hurt and that is what links us together and makes us know eachother a little.
Thankyou for sharing here and for being so honest about your feelings. That is brave too because it takes courage to honestly place your feelings on a public bulletin board for the whole world to see and risk not being responded to or ignored.
I may not always respond either because I get busy sometimes but hopefully someone here will and you will know that others care and understand or want to understand and listen.
Hope this helps you Zeene. You are not alone in your pain.
GFN
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I've had it all bottled up...all the feelings. It was good you helped me release some....even though I was crying for sheer relief that finally someone understands me.