Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: zeene on May 11, 2005, 08:34:05 PM
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My mother is a very good scrooge and pays for nothing. When I was separated from my ex I had to go for immediate custody as he kidnapped the kids. My ex rang my mother and said he would pay her $200 if she would sign a paper saying bad things against me. They didn't have a leg to stand on because I know I am a good mother.
Anyway my father told me that N mother agreed to sign the paper against me...for the money.
Nice mother eh?
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Oh yes. My N mother threatened to sell my dead father's Rolex watch. Which I had given him and he had willed to me. Because I was between jobs and had to stop sending her money.
Happy ending. I got the watch. But she remained N until she died. And money was all she cared about for the rest of her life.
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[ Because I was between jobs and had to stop sending her money.
http://why would you have to send her money? this sounds like a horrible woman too. How low can you go...selling something that wasn't even yours. This woman sounds evil just like mine.
I don't get Christmas presents from N Mother....but she gives them to my sister. Nice eh?
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Just have to add - I'm in the doghouse for mailing my mother's day card too late (thursday). She conveniently forgets that I didn't get a birthday card (let alone even a symbolic gift) from her last birthday.
--FG
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Yes, my N Mother withheld my Grandfather's inheritance from me. She claimed it was because she didn't think I'd finish college and I wouldn't use the money for the purpose he desired. I graduated Suma Cum Laude.
When I was little, in the third grade, she gave my brother lunch money but she wouldn't give me any. Fortunately, a Great Uncle lived with us at the time and started to give me lunch money. Don't think she ever made me a lunch either. Never quite had that "mommy connection".
Pretty unbelievable stories we have...
chutz
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oh, i just have to share this story.
my Nfather is a multimillioinaire several times over. they were paying $35,000.00 a month in mortgage a few years ago. (thirty five thousand a month)
his parents, my grandparents, nice people whose relatives actually did survive the holocaust, (although many of our family died there) moved across the country at his insistence into an apartment that he bought for them.
my grandmother was a classy lady who had been a decorator in manhattan. she has a lot of art and lovely things and her apartment was beautiful.
after several years my grandfather died of cancer. my grandmother expressed repeatedly that her only wish was to remain in her apartment, becuase it made her feel connected to my grandfather, who she loved very much.
they had a lot of beatiful collectibles, antiques and art there that they had collected over many many years, and it was her sanctuary. she had few friends becuase of moving across the country at her age.
well, my father is very rich. not only that, hes a doctor. he could have afforded to keep her in that apartment well taken care of for the entire rest of her life if he wanted to.
but, as soon as my grandfather died, my father sold her apartment, got rid of all her stuf, and forced her into a nursing home, which she had to pay for herself.
she hated it so much there that she checked herself out, and went to live with distant relatives in a tiny house paying for everything herself. he refused to help support her becuase she wouldnt do what he said.
also becase she was being 'difficult' she was supposed to be shunned by the rest of the family and noone was allowed to talk to her or find out how she was doing. i missed her a lot, but there was no way i could get to see her.
she told me that she was saving things for me, collectibles that i remember from when i was a little girl, stories she had written about our family history. she also had quite a bit of high quality jewelry that she wanted myself and my daughter to have.
well..... i havent talked with her for a long long time...... and a few months ago i looked her up on the internet to see if i could find her address. well, there was her obituary.
she died, two years ago.
and my father said NOTHING to any of us. just failed to mention it. and........... not a word was said about anything she saved for me and my daughter. did he take it? what happened to it? its been two years. where is it?
i have no idea what happened to any of her things, photographs, stories, letters...... nobody ever thought to contact me about any of it. im pretty sure that my father found a way to take it, or keep it from us, not that he wants it, but, he doesnt want us to have a connection with her.
that was a pretty stunning and sad thing to find out. if she hadnt given me just a few small things a few years before she died, id have nothing to remember her by at all.
i cant believe he let his own mother (a very nice old yiddish lady) die in poverty two years ago and just pretend like nothing happened. makes me want to puke.
bleagh!!!! :evil:
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d's mom,
You have got to be kidding me???? :evil: Why do these people have the right to breathe? Sounds so similar to the way my Baba was treated, also a Holocaust Survivor. I was beside myself with grief.
She had promised me some of her special jewelry as well. I'll never see it. My Uncle, also a millionaire several times over, finageled a way to keep her assets. He became her guardian - she never did the legal will, or if she did he destroyed it.
I know she would have been so heartbroken to see how her assets and posessions were handled. He is such a greedy N.
chutzbagirl
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You have got to be kidding me???? :evil: Why do these people have the right to breathe? Sounds so similar to the way my Baba was treated, also a Holocaust Survivor. I was beside myself with grief.
its so so sad. youd think, that they would have some feeling for how precious life would be, after coming through something like that. but no.
3 generations of women now, have lived in isolation without any contact with their family, becuase of this one pervert. his mother, who just died with no family around her, she had two loving grandkids and two great grandkids that she never even saw...... my mother, who is quicklly approaching the same fate, (he took us away from her when i was 12) and now me, who am living in isolation kept away from my daughter by him.....
the destruction..... sometimes i think the nazies won anyhow.
people were talking about the purpose of life. one thing i know the purpose of life is NOT, is to live and die alone in isolation from those that you love.
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I feel so sad when I read this thread. :cry: :cry: :cry:
It makes me cry.
I'm so sorry for the cruel things these people have done to you all and for the hurt and frustration and anger and all the rest of the feelings that their behaviour must have caused for you. :( :(
My grandmother used to say: "Money is the devil's playmate".
Sometimes it is, in a big way. Those who want to play with it most are darn close to the old master N himself!! :twisted: :twisted:
And not just money...but stealing. Stealing things of little value to them but great value to you. :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
(((((((((all)))))))
And Anna: Your poor Granny....to have lived through hell on earth...and to die knowing her son is so closely related to same type of cruel mentality...how very sad for her. :( She's an angel now....if she wasn't already!)
GFN
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to die knowing her son is so closely related to same type of cruel mentality...how very sad for her.
GFN[/quote]http://
Yes, my grandmother was a kind lady and saw all the harm her N daughter had done and just before she died she said to me "She's no good"
We were half-starved as kids growing up with this bloody N. She banked most of the income so that she could go on overseas trips.....and plenty of them. She didn't care that we werent fed properly. I got sick...had anaemia and I remember the doctor blasting her. I was always constipated...lived on white bread and jam. Some lovely memories eh?
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Hi again Zeene:
I'm so sorry that you were so terribly abused. :( :shock: :x :? :cry: :( :shock: :? :cry: I'm sure the memories are awful and produce a lot of thoughts and feelings in you.
Just wondering are you close to your sibblings? Are any of them a support to you?
When I think of some of the traumas that happened in my life, or about certain people's behaviour....I feel specific things. I can pretty well relive those events and it feels like I am right there..experiencing it all over again. I can feel every feeling and express it. I can see, hear and even smell the situations. And I can easily taste the vileness it left.
I don't expect that will ever change for me. Those things really happened and I really felt that way about it, during it, after it all. I don't think it's possible or logical to expect any of that to change because it would be like denying what happened or how I felt.
The only thing I can do now is focus on other things...other times....other people....that are not traumatic and painful for me. I prefer to focus on good things, good people, good places...stuff that makes me feel good and enjoy life. I'm not saying this is what you should do. I'm saying that this helped me....to change my focus from the trauma to now and the future. Only you will know when it is time to do that but I do think there will come a time.
I guess I'm trying to give you some hope.....that you won't always be in pain. I do think that if you continue contact with your mother, she will continue to create more and more painful events and you will have feelings towards those events. The best possible thing you could do for yourself, imo, is to cut all contact with her whatsoever. Get her completely out of your face.
That does sound harsh but I think it's necessary. She's still behaving in an abusive fashion and you can't stop her. She's still causing you harm. You have to do whatever you can to protect yourself from any more of her behaviour and the best way to do that would probably be to quit seeing her all together. That way she will not have an opportunity to repeat her behaviour.
GFN
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Thinking of you Zeene and wondering how you are doing?
((((((((((Zeene)))))))))
GFN
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GFN
I feel a big sigh of relief knowing that I have had your support...I've been alone with it all for a while...unable to share until now. I've had some bad memories of my childhood...one just won't go away. I'm not forcing it to go away...I think its there for a reason...for me to deal with it. To experience the feelings....to heal...and then to move on. Not ready to share it yet...it's just that its a cruel one.
I've had a big turn-around in my life since joining this site. I don't feel sorry for N and her lack of attention-seeking supply. Beginning to see the WHOLE picture for the first time as I see the N clearly and how they operate. I'm beginning to focus on me and my self-esteem is having a boost.
I'm so grateful to everyone for their comments...this has been so supportive. I'm lost for words.
Peace
Zeene
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Hi Zeene:
Keep finding myself running back in to post because I forgot someone. Remebered I'd posted to you and then forgot to look if you posted back...until now ( :oops: :oops: ).
So glad to hear you are feeling not so alone....that sharing some has helped.....and the big turn around!!!! These are all good things for you and I am very happy for you. :D
I'm grateful to you for your kind words and will support you more too (in thoughts and prayers). Keep posting...when you can. It's a good thing.
I'm away for the week end now!
((((((((Zeene)))))))
GFN
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Hi zeene,
When I was separated from my ex I had to go for immediate custody as he kidnapped the kids. My ex rang my mother and said he would pay her $200 if she would sign a paper saying bad things against me.......Anyway my father told me that N mother agreed to sign the paper against me...for the money.
There are a lot of terrible histories of abuse here, but for sheer
cold-bloodedness that one is near the top.
I wonder if she ever heard the story of Judas, his thirty pieces of silver, and his fate?
Not that it would register of course. She'd probably figure he was just a wimp for feeling remorse. :x
I'm glad you're focusing on yourself and feeling better about who you are, not who she wants you to think you are.
I hope you are able to spit out whatever the thing is you can't talk about yet.
(((((Zeene)))))
mudpup
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Mudpup
thanks for writing to me.
When I first heard that story of Judas in primary school, the first person I thought of was my N mother. Also whenever I'd get a wispy kiss on the cheek for my birthday I'd think how fake it was. Of course it never came from the heart...just something she had learnt to do.
There have been many instances over the years where N mother has taken and taken financially from me...she's LIED about not having money. And in the times when I've needed real help ....even such thing as needing a cake of soap in a hospital...she's never given a bloody thing...just left me there without...without shoes...without anything.
But this is what Ns do...they expect the whole world owes them a living, and they don't have to give at all for some reason.
I rang Lifeline (telephone counselling) the other night and talked and it helped. I got the thing out that was bothering me. Still one memory in there that's not pleasant at all...but can't mention it here. You wouldn't believe it...it is so disgusting. It's hard...because I don't think its fit for human ears.
Nice to meet you and thanks for listening to me.
Bye
Zeene
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Wow, just catching up today. I can hardly believe the N/money addicts that get to walk this earth... I thought my ex was bad (cares not about his children...tries to shut them up, holds onto his money like it is far more important than them...and they know this!)
((((((Zeene, Anna, GFN, others))))))
What you describe is the evil on this earth.
Bless you all. Sending you all love and healing.
This is what I think about those miserable "people": may they cuddle up with thier cold hard cash every night and enjoy a coffin lined with it while they deal dirty money and hatred with other souls in hell (actually , THEY are in "hell" now.... it rather describe thier "life" doesn't it?)
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with thier cold hard cash every night and enjoy a coffin lined with it while
]http://my N mother will make sure she's spent it all on herself...believe me...there won't be any left to line the coffin with...she'd be scared someone might take some for themselves.
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Mudpup and Mum
The thing that gets me: Why do Ns carry on as if they haven't done anything wrong? This is just like Judas, yes. except that Judas was sorry for his act and later hung himself from a tree...if I am remembering correctly. But this N mother of mine appears to have NO CONSCIENCE and shows no remorse for anything...and you'll never get a confession out of her or an admission of guilt or own up or anything like that.
There's only one person that doesn't show remorse...and that's the DEVIL.
So yes, I agree with you Mum, they are EVIL.
Focussing on myself, I finally feel like I have taken some control over my life....by finally dropping the B****. No more ritual present-giving just to keep the peace and stop her from whinging..
I'm feeling happier than I've ever felt. I FEEL FREE!!!!
Zeene
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I just ran across this thread and it made me think. My mom doesn't withhold money from me. In fact, she often gives me money for things my kids are involved with. The only catch is she doesn't OFFER the money. I have to ask. This gives her some kind of power over me. It forces me to be dependent on her and that keeps her POWER over me. I have learned to not feel guilty about taking the money because it helps my kids have the things that I cannot afford. The other thing I think (and if someone thinks I am wrong, then let me know...........) is that I think my mother (who is wealthy) should help me more so I can spend more time with my children. I have been working as a single parent and barely getting by for years..............meanwhile, my children have to raise themselves during the summer because I have to work. Meanwhile, my mother has millions and she could help me out while the girls are little. I think she is being stingy with her wealth to the detriment of my children in order to punish me.
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Hi Kelly and zeene,
Kelly, you got heads, zeene got tails. You are both suffering from the same thing, which is a control freak, just the flip sides of the same coin.
The other thing I think (and if someone thinks I am wrong, then let me know...........) is that I think my mother (who is wealthy) should help me more so I can spend more time with my children. I have been working as a single parent and barely getting by for years..............meanwhile, my children have to raise themselves during the summer because I have to work.
I don't think you're wrong at all. You are supporting yourself and your girls. You are behaving responsibly. The very least your mother could do, if she wasn't such a creep, is help you out to the point of you being able to work only part time, at least unil your girls are older.
Sorry she's such a rotten selfish mother.
zeene,
Why do Ns carry on as if they haven't done anything wrong?......But this N mother of mine appears to have NO CONSCIENCE and shows no remorse for anything...and you'll never get a confession out of her or an admission of guilt or own up or anything like that.
You pretty much answered your own question there.
They either don't have a conscience or they suppress it so deeply, because of their disorder, that they either don't know that they have done something wrong or they just don't care or actually get some pleasure from the harm they do.
I know others disagree, but my own opinion is they are conscience of right and wrong and they choose, make a conscious choice, to do the wrong thing knowing full well the harm it will cause. Now maybe their PD or N tendencies make it very difficult for them not to do harmful things, as it is a type of defense mechanism, but it is still a conscious and willful choice to value themselves and what they see as their self interest over the well being and in fact the life of every other being on the planet. In fact all other beings on the planet. I bet most people with NPD would choose to preserve their facade even if it meant the rest of humanity went down the drain.
For that reason I agree with you, they are evil. At the very least, they are governed by evil.
(((((zeene and kelly)))))
mudpup
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Kelly and Zeene, you both were (are) treated very badly. Even though the techniques are totally different, I think the answer to both is basically the same, to detach to a safer emotional distance. Zeene, it sounds like you are really starting to do this and already feeling better. Great for you! That's hard work. Kelly, I'm sorry that your mother isn't able to care enough about you to want to help you and to seek you out to give help. It sounds like she is willing to help, but doesn't have enough connection with you to know where you are and what is going on in your and kids' lives. Sad for her. The good news is that you have the choice to ask for that help or not.
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Mudpup
Yes, I agree with you
"they are conscious of right and wrong".
Thanks so much for an excellent explanation. It clarifiies things.....but makes me hate her all the more for that smirk on her face after she has done something to hurt, annoy or frustrate me....mainly its all about depravation with this N. After reading your explanation it makes me HATE her all the more...and memories just come up of that look of satisfaction on her face after she has done something bad to me.
I will print out your explanation...it helps understand the evil B****.
Longtire
You said "to detach to a safer emotional distance" thanks for putting it into words for me. Yes, I feel SAFE now. I've made the decision to stay away. I realize I have been addicted to pain for a long time now. Wished I would have got out years ago.
See yas around on the board
Zeene
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Hi zeene,
I know it is very tempting to hate your 'mother'.
But if its possible it really helps to learn to hate their behavior and the consequences of it rather than the person themselves.
Mainly because hatred of another person, especially one you have no contact with, doesn't really harm them or help you in any way. In fact, the only person it harms is you. It can make you bitter, angry and vengeful.
I have found it better to try and work the anger off anyway possible or redirect it toward the actions themselves and try to concentrate instead on how pathetic, miserable and sometimes pathetically, miserably comical the Ns life is.
I'm pretty sure the smirk of satisfaction on your mother's face was in lieu of admitting how pathetic her life is and how jealous and envious she is that you are a real human being with real emotions.
The essence of it is they aren't worth hating. There isn't enough there to hate. What they do to others is hateful and hateable but they themselves are really only half formed, whining, lying, little brats stuck in an adults body, never knowing happiness or love or the pleasure in caring about somebody else.
Maybe as you digest just exactly what she is and what motivates her you can get past the hate to some type of pathetic pity. Then maybe someday down the road, you won't think too much about her at all. Its something to hope for, anyway.
mudpup
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The essence of it is they aren't worth hating. There isn't enough there to hate. What they do to others is hateful and hateable
Maybe as you digest just exactly what she is and what motivates her you can get past the hate to some type of pathetic pity. [/quote]
You sound like a really wise person, Mudpup. I took in every word you said. I know I'll re-read it a few times.
Yes, I see what you mean about hating what they do, and not the person themselves. I hope I get to that stage of pitying....I know the hate isn't helping me...I've ground down all my teeth.
I wonder if anyone has ever produced a comedy about them? It would certainly help if I could laugh at her behaviour. Is there a site here I wonder where people who have been abused by Ns can contribute all the funny things that Ns have done.
I appreciate all you've offered. Thanks for your insights.
Zeene
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Hiya zeene,
You sound like a really wise person, Mudpup.
Wise. That's pretty funny. Good one zeene. :lol:
Not wise, just run over by an N and lived to tell the tale.
I've ground down all my teeth.
Funny you should say that. About three weeks ago I wrote a nice angry post about how I was grinding my teeth down as I steamed about my brothers latest escapade. I wonder if this board could offer a group dental plan. :wink:
Is there a site here I wonder where people who have been abused by Ns can contribute all the funny things that Ns have done.
There used to be a thread called 'most N comments ever' or something pretty close to that. If you've got some doozies maybe you could resurrect it.
I hope you can keep on progressing in your healing from what your mother did to you. I think maybe the biggest step a person can take you already have, and that is finding out what is wrong with her. It explains all the bizarre behavior and helps us to see the manipulations and applied guilt for exactly what it is.
I know for me it was like somebody turned on a flood light. I had seen and noted all these symptoms but could never understand them or put them into a coherent whole. And that made me wonder if I was actually seeing things correctly. Once I found out what makes them tick, the pattern of their thought, and that there are millions of people like me who have gone through the same thing it was the beginning of getting him out of my head. He's still there, but he's hanging on by his fingernails and pretty soon he's going to let go completely. I'm gonna have a big party when he does. :wink: :P 8)
I hope you can have a going away party for your mom too. :D :wink:
mudpup