Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: menow on May 15, 2005, 07:38:47 PM
-
Hi Everyone,
I found this site about a year ago and just bawled as I read Dr. Grossman's articles and words. It was my experience almost to a T. I think for the first time I felt heard and understood. I came back from time to time and found relief and now found this forum. I had to write my truth, maybe for the first time for real. I have sugar coated much of it, because of the deep, deep shame of who I am.
I am 39 year old woman. I was sexually abused by my father on a regular basis as a young young child. I didn't speak for years. I had decided with my little mind that it was best to just disappear and be as benign as I could to avoid being abused, gotten angry at, or hurt. So I shut up and shut down, although, I stayed very awake allllll the time, so as to be as concious as I could to prepare myself for when the abuse happened, I thought that knowing it was coming would help me survive.
I really do not know why I wanted to survive. I do remember... after one bad abuse, I remember more clearly than any event in my life, I ly on the floor badly hurt, I could have left, I really could have died if I wanted, but something told me to live. Well, I decided I would live, that I would wait it out, when I was old enough, I would leave and it would be over. I also promised myself and God to dim my light. Because I thought it was my light, my purity that pissed my dad off and maybe even God off, that made him so angry he had to abuse me. So I promised as a little girl to dim my light and be as benign as I could. And that is what I did.
My day consisted of predicting when the abuse was going to come, avoiding any and all behavior that I thought would promote it and that is about it.
I remember being on the school playground watching the other children play and act "foolish" I thought they were so foolish to be so free and unaware. Most of my life I judged people for being seemingly foolish and not be aware. I did not know they had no reason to be hyper concious every second.
At the same time as I grew up I would be in situations where the other children were laughing and playing and I did not know how to do that. I felt like a foreigner, a weirdo, I would try to plan out what to play and what to say, because I did not know what I felt and what I thought, besides that I was scared. That I did know. Actually that was me, all of me, scared. Scared every minute of every day. Not a minute of peace. NOT A MINUTE OF PEACE. No aunt, no grandmother, no one to tell, no one to talk to. No one was interested. That is so sad, so sad. I couldnt talk about how scared I was, so I couldn't be me.
I felt isolated and cut off. My parents hated me. My siblings hated me. Everyone did not want me around. That is how I felt. Dirt. There were other little abused children around and we would cross paths and feel some recognition comfort for a minute or two, but I would run, too close to home, the shame too great, THAT is not me. So there we were, isolated again.
I cut my parents out of my life 12 years ago, went through different therapists and programs for the last 18 years, they all helped a good amount and got me through to a homeostasis of surviving again. Maybe even some touching moments and love here and there. But nothing forever, NOTHING to count on or lean on. Nooooo, who wanted that with me. NO ONE. I leaned on no one. I told no one. I healed the sexual abuse issues for the most part. Little did I realize the way more damaging, and way more scary issue is that I dont know who I am.
I have never been married, so sad, and have moved all over the united states by myself. In and out of friendships and relationships one after the other, realizing that they were not really a good friend, that when it came down to it they were only interested in themselves. Never getting my needs met. Looking for that ONE person who will save me and meet my needs.
I have always known that it was wrong or it wasnt possible for that to work, but that didnt stop me, it was the only hope I had, because I had no one inside, I did not and still am distant from who I am really am. I never had a chance, gave my self a chance, a place, to come out.
Sure, halfway or temporarily here and there. Someone and people who welcomed me, the real me, and wanted me, the real me. It didnt happen. I now have a dear friend Rachel, who truly cares about me. Maybe for the first time I have allowed a true friend who cares about me, all of me. I have had therapists who cared, but I would leave before we got too close and near that empty void.
I am now back in therapy, and I think I am finally ready to handle and find the real me, I mustered up just enough self love and strength to go in there. And be forgiving enough of all my shame and self-judgement and self-hate. I think I can really do it this time. That is relief and peace, I am scared. My child is so lost and alone, I can feel she is relieved I am going to heal her and listen to her instead of running out there one more time to find that man that will save her and me. I had no idea I was running in a circle and pretending for so long.
Only in the last few days, after another failing relationship with a self absorbed person, am I forcing myself to focus on the real problem, finding me, feeling the absolute void and fear that I have been running from most of my life.
I have a great male therapist here that I have used before, and I am hopeful he can help me go deeper and heal this last part of my voice, living for me for the first time.
He has a group that I will go to also. I am just so relieved, I think the circus is over. I think the lies and the running is over. There will be peace at last, because I am going to find me. I will not give up this time. I will not avoid this time. I deserve it, at 39 I deserve that peace and even some self-love, love and appreciation of myself.
I guess we are never really done. But now it is time and little did I know the worst abuse I suffered was losing my voice. Actually losing me. Or never really finding me. THAT is the real shame, and the worst abuse my parents took from me. Over and over and over again, shutting ME down. Shutting me up and shaming me. I am going to gently and consistently love that child, that adolescent, that young adult me. I know I wont do it perfectly, but I will do the best I can to love them, and my therapist will help me. I will give my self a chance a real chance maybe for the first time.
GOSH! What a relief to be here, to be writing this. The chase is over. I am going to love me, the real me. What a relief.
Well, thank you for listening. I am sure alot of you, if not all of you, here. Can completely relate because I have related so much to what you have written. Thank you.
with Love,
Marieblue3
[/i][/u]
-
Welcome menow, that was a very powerful story.
bunny
-
Menow,
Welcome. You have suffered enough and I am so happy for you that you have found a good therapist that will see you through the darkness and get you to the light. IMO the only way to heal the kind of abuse you have endured. No child should have to go through what you went through. But you know that better than anyone. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
((((((((menow)))))))))))
Brigid
-
Thank you, Bunny, for reading my story and your acknowledgement. And thank you for the welcome.
Brigid, your loving response brought tears to my eyes. You are right, I have suffered enough. Thank you for the encouragement. Enough of the darkness... I look forward to the light. Thank you for the hug, too. I took it with warmth and it feels so good to be understood and cared about.
Menow
Note:(I signed marieblue3 which is my email username, for here it is menow)
-
Welcome Menow,
You're story is heartbreaking but also hopeful.
I'm a man and I don't want anything from you except to be your friend and to listen to you.
I also want to assure you that God isn't mad at you. He still sees the innocent little girl in you and loves her,.... loves all of you in fact.
Hugs from me too.
mudpup
-
(((((MeNow)))))
Thank you for posting your inspirational story here. I am in awe of how someone who has survived the hellish childhood you have, can be such a beacon of light, so open to feel the love of the universe, to want it and know it will be there. You are an example to all of us. Your writing is so full of beauty and hope. I wish you all the love and light you deserve. You are finding the love within, the divine internal love we all have and deserve, and I thank you for reminding me of this. Bless you.
-
I was overwhelmed by the sadness of your story but very moved by your optimism. I spent nine years in therapy and it changed my life immeasurably for the better.
These are the words of Richard Grossman from the main website page:
"My main task is not to 'fix' you, but to 'find' you: the 'you' that existed before the pain of life, especially unfulfilled relationships with family and significant others, forced you to put up barriers, to limit people’s access, or to choose people who could make little or no contact. I am here to rediscover your unique, original self, to understand the compromises made to protect this self for the sake of emotional survival, and to encourage relationships where these compromises are no longer necessary.
-
Welcome Menow,
I'm so glad you are finding comfort here. I hope this site provides you with the same comfort and safety it has provided me. Your big, loving heart shines through your pain. I hope you take very good care of yourself.
Best wishes and hugs,
chutzbagirl
-
Hi Menow
I admire your courage and strength. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Keep shining your light. I can feel the warmth from it. Allow yourself and others to bask in it.
((Menow))
-
Welcome (((((((((Menow)))))))):
I like you already! :D You have withstood and survived a horrible childhood with grace and beauty. You sound so gentle, so sweet and so sincere. I am deeply, deeply sorry for all you have endured. That is just horrible!! But you have come through it with the ability to bring your lovely you.....to the surface....at least here, in your post.
You are an inspiration for all of us and I admire how you have been seeking help and trying to heal through therapy and.....how you are continuing to do that. You are a very brave person .....because you have faced many fearful situations .....and are still willing to face whatever gets in your face, on the way to finding ...you. Your attitude is great!!
Good for you!!! 8)
Glad you are here! Hope you will share with us and get what support you need.
GFN
-
Dear All,
Wow, thank you sooooo much for the kind, kind loving words each of you wrote to me. I am so glad I shared here. So glad. I feel there is an ear hear for "me" the real me and truth. That brings comfort. Your words just made me cry, in a good way.
Mudpup that was so sweet to say that you were a man and didnt want anything from me but to be a friend and listen. That really hit me.
I saw my therapist twice and went to the group. It is alot already. He is really loving and good. Alot has come up, and I am in deep pain and sadness, I just keep crying. I think I am finally strong enough to FEEL what my little girl had to endure everyday, pain and extreme loneliness. I can feel now for myself like I havent before, I wasnt strong enough.
Just such loneliness. I had no one. I shared my life, my feelings with no one. Such loneliness, I dont know how I survived.
I feel waking up for the first time, I think I will make it through this time and I can see a glimmer of light, hope, an end to the loneliness, this time.
Thank you again for so much support. I really cant believe it. I cant believe my light shined through. Thank you for that. I am doing my best.
I have hope that God is there and does love me. I cant feel it yet, but I want to. That is what I am looking for now. There is hope. I want to feel connected to God. Not desperate for people to accept me. Anyway, thanks for listening again, I am on my way. I love you guys. Thank you for being here.
Menow
-
Menow, I was touched by your story and felt your pain as I related to your aloneness... a choice of survival we were forced to make. I, too, lost me at a very early stage, resulting in my non-growth and no voice...literally. I just had to hang on. Today, I sometimes wonder why? The pain can be so exhausting. The disappointment from loss of time and life passed are even greater than the inner child fear of loneliness, from early unacceptability.
Unlike your story, I can only remember constant chaos and screaming and fear, with no recollection of any exact personal abuse experience. I always feel something more abusive may be lurking below. Or, maybe that was enough personal abuse to have what has become a
complete "childhood/adolecent/young adult black-out".
Today, as my N mother stuggles with her new life in a nursing home, I resent being the adult and taking care of her again, now, as I have since I was 10. It's hard to be with her like this today. Yesterday, after her daily complaints about the food, I brought her a home-cooked dinner. Later, I called to see how she was, but she did not answer her phone. About a half-hour later I got a call from the local police dept. asking if my mother is in this nursing facility. The officer said she had called 911 because she couldn't see to call me and needed me. She then gave them my information and they contacted me. They asked me if she usually can see. I answered yes and thought maybe she was experiencing stroke-like symptoms, or something. I thanked the officer and prepared to head to the nursing home if she did not answer her phone. Well, not to my surprise, she answered as if nothing had happened and didn't even mention the 911 call. All she said was that she tried to call me. I questioned her and after much fancy avoidance and lies, she finally said that she couldn't see because the room lights were shut off. Drama, drama, lies, lies!!!! I hate the lies and denial and fabrication of her truth even more than the drama of her actions. How dare she bother 911, not to mention a 911 false call. Boy, this sends so many bad messages to me about how I feel and the fact that she has influenced my being. I can't walk away and I don't agree with her actions. I respond just as she knows I will every time. I'm still losing me, but today, I choose to do what allows me to live with myself...even if she drives me through unacceptable situations.
Menow, as far as your search for G-d... I think you have begun to found HIM just by looking for him. HE can be whatever you need him to be and you can see HIM and feel him in your own way. To me, G-d is nature. I see the beauty of nature and animals and trust the force of nature to be healing. Best to you,
Hollow Cost
-
Hi Menow,
Mudpup that was so sweet to say that you were a man and didnt want anything from me but to be a friend and listen. That really hit me.
I've gotten myself in a little hot water here by previously saying all men are jerks, its just that some of us have been domesticated. I was just being a wise arse.
There are a a lot of good and decent men around. I still think they are the minority but they're out there. Maybe they're like a truffle, you gotta dig your snout into the dirt a little and root around to find something worth keeping. :wink:
I'm glad you're doing better and I'm glad you've found a good therapist.
I have hope that God is there and does love me. I cant feel it yet, but I want to.
Patience, you will feel it. He will let you know when you are ready.
mudpup
-
Menow,
Your willingness to open yourself to God's love is a great beginning. As you begin to feel the hope and faith of healing, God's love will be very apparent to you if you allow for it.
I'm always surprised when I find myself saying things like this as I was raised in a very non-religious household and rarely had anything to do with the church until the last 8 years or so. But its amazing how when life gets very dark and there is no one else to turn to, that your faith in God can really begin to open some doors into your soul to allow the light of healing to come through.
Mudpup,
I've gotten myself in a little hot water here by previously saying all men are jerks, its just that some of us have been domesticated.
Honey, you were never in hot water with me regarding this phrase (I'm sure there were others where you would have been, however :wink: ). I think many of us jumped on that comment because we just absolutely do not want it to be true. We want to keep the faith that our knight is somewhere out there on the horizon and just waiting to jump on his white horse and come to the rescue. Some fairy tales we just still want to come true. :(
Brigid
-
Hi Brigid,
We want to keep the faith that our knight is somewhere out there on the horizon and just waiting to jump on his white horse and come to the rescue. Some fairy tales we just still want to come true.
Listen sis, a fabulous, thin, blonde in a lime green convertible bug has a better chance of finding her knight than most anyone else. Just put the top down and tool around town long enough and he's bound to see you. :wink:
Just make sure he's a white knight this time and not the prince of darkness again. :evil:
mudpup
-
Mudpup,
a fabulous, thin, blonde in a lime green convertible bug has a better chance of finding her knight than most anyone else. Just put the top down and tool around town long enough and he's bound to see you.
Where is my fan, you are making me blush? :oops: :oops: Maybe instead of the white horse, he should be in a Porsche. Nahhh, probably not. We know what part of the body that men driving those kinds of cars are thinking with. :wink:
My new motto: No more Dark Knights :!: :!:
Brigid
-
Hi Guys,
I cannot move. I am just emotionally frozen, but feeling. I truly am feeling this for the first time. I am letting myself not move. Luckily I dont have to work today or even until Monday. So I am going to take care of my child and me like we never got to before. I am doing a spiritual workshop this weekend, so I will just veg out there too. I never just let myself just be.
Mudpup,
Thank you. Yes, I am glad you said what you said. And I dont even want to think about finding a man, that has been my escape and false hope for too too long, it doesnt work. When I work through this and make some progress, maybe then I will trust my choices, right now I am thankful to have men friends, like you. Who want nothing from me. And I do have some of those, once I take the savior blinders off and all the weirdness needing them to be my savior. Also thanks for the encouragement for patience with seeing and knowing God loves me.
Brigid,
I loved what you said about letting he/she(God) in. It is a beginning for me. How you said it really felt good.
Thanks everyone too, your posts give me strength and comfort. I am off to just sit. I also feel like I want to throw up. Throw up all the years of stuffing my self and performing, Blah! I cannot do it anymore, I am not capable of a single lie. I cant do it, thank God, there is no turning back now.
with gratitude,
Menow
-
Hi Menow,
And I dont even want to think about finding a man, that has been my escape and false hope for too too long, it doesnt work.
I thought it might sound like I was advocating you go looking for a good man right now. That's not what I meant. I just didn't want you to give up hope of ever finding one.
My wife and I are involved in a singles group at our church, most of whom are out of bad relationships. We concentrate only on strengthening them emotionally and spiritually so they don't make the same mistakes again.
You're very wise to concentrate on yourself for now. Hope your weekend thing is healing for you.
right now I am thankful to have men friends, like you
I'm glad I have a new pal too. :D :wink:
I also feel like I want to throw up. Throw up all the years of stuffing my self and performing, Blah!
Lots of people do it here. Its a very useful thing sometimes. I've done it myself.
And we have Brigid to clean up for us! :twisted: Sorry sis, couldn't resist. Excellent motto by the way.
mudpup
-
Mudpup,
Thank you for the clarification. I did know that you were not suggesting that I go out and find one, and I did get what you meant and I appreciated it alot. I mainly said what I said for myself, reminding myself not to do that. It is good to hear you are married. Sounds like you are able to create intimacy, like you've worked through some stuff. And thanks, I hope so too that I have a good weekend and get something really good out of my retreat.
On another track, I have noticed that I really project all kinds of s#@* on the close people around me, especially lovers. I am seriously trying to catch myself. I keep recreating the past of not getting my needs met, and it is making me crazy. I know the new behavior is walking away. Instead of trying to stay and getting that hit of desperately trying to change the person finally satiating my child's needs. It will never happen (I am reminding myself). And/or stop projecting stuff onto someone who is willing to be there for me.
It just seems all too easy to my child, to walk away and get my needs met from someone who can meet them. OR to stop projecting and allow the person to give me EXACTLY what I need. Way to easy. But easy is the way it is supposed to be. I think I finally reached the point that I cannot take the other way any more, it is soooooo completely enraging and infuriating.
I think I have gotten used to enraging and infuriating. BLAH, now would be that time to throw up, as you suggested!
I will be away as I said until Sunday, I will write more when I get back. Thanks everyone for this amazing spot to tell the truth!!!! And thank you Richard Grossman!!!! Thank you sooo much for your caring to help people like me.
Menow
-
Hi Guys,
I got back from my spiritual weekend. It was amazing.
I just now realized that I will never get what I didnt get as a child. NEVER. Iknew it logically for so long. But now I get it. That now I can create healthy relationships etc etc. But that my childhood IS lost. That it was what it was. There was a part of me that was always looking to vindicate, satiate, replace what was lost. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. And that is sad, but now the healing can begin. I can stop searching, I can stop recreating my parents to try to heal it. It is done, there is no healing the circumstances of my childhood. But there is healing the pain and repercussions of what happened. Now the healing can truly begin.
I am a very stubborn person, and I was going to be the exception. I was going to fix my childhood. I was going to get my needs met dammit. But I cant, not from my childhood, I cant. It happened. It happened. And there is no getting it back. God, look at Michael Jackson... it doesnt work to try to recreate your childhood!!!! It gets all weird and twisted, it just doesnt work.
I can only heal the pain of it, I can only heal the scars from it. I cannot change it. In a sense they did win. I need to let them win. Because who cares about winning or losing anyway!! Who cares. I just want to be happy and healthy, it is not a competition or game. That is my child mind thinking that way. I need to love her and give her attention. That is what I need.
My God, such freedom. Finally. I was trying to do something that was never going to get me happiness or freedom from my past. Now I can. Now I can let it be what it was. It is not pretty, it is not happy, but it is true. It is so true. And I will let the truth be. I can handle it now. It is ugly. But I can handle it. Now the healing can begin. Healing the scars, not trying to change the truth. Not trying to win out over my parents. Who cares about them!! Who cares. I dont. I care about me. And my happiness now.
Thanks for listening. Gosh I am glad you all are here.
Menow
Gosh, seeing this the truth of it, brings up all kinds of feelings and lots and lots of freedom.
-
Menow, that is HUGE!!!!! Congratulations. :D :D (What spiritual weekend is this? Can I sign up?) I have gotten to this point for all but 1 or 2 stubborn childhood issues that are still hanging in there. I'm seeing a therapist to help clear those out too and be clear. I'm so impressed that you were able to make that progress. Keep going menow!! :D
-
menow, (I keep wanting to type meow--that's what happens when you always have a cat sitting in your lap)
Good for you. I am very happy that you have found a way to begin the healing. However, I will disagree with one thing you said. I do not think you can view your parents as having "won" anything. You are the winner here and you will prove it by becoming the healthy, wonderful, fulfilled woman you were meant to be. They have no chance of ever being more than what they are. Wouldn't you much rather be you? :D :D
It has taken me awhile to come to that way of thinking myself, but you can take pride in who you are and the strength you have shown and will continue to show as you overcome the obstacles of your childhood. You are an inspiration to us all. :P
Brigid
-
Hi menow and Brigid,
Brigid,
I probably should let menow answer this for herself but being a nincompoop I won't listen to myown advice. :roll:
I think she meant they 'won' in the sense that they won the pointless and idiotic game that they set up to play with her. Ns will always win that game, or they wouldn't play. Our victory comes in finally realizing the game they are playing is sick and rigged, and while they win a few battles we win the war when we finally just pick up our toys and go play with the grown ups and leave them to fight over the crumbs.
Menow,
you said,
Gosh, seeing this the truth of it, brings up all kinds of feelings and lots and lots of freedom.
A very wise man one said "The truth shall make you free".
Congratulations on your new found freedom. :D
mudpup
-
Mudpup: you are also a very wise man: your metaphor of the N game they set up to "win" is perfect. Thank you.
Menow: FANTASTIC!!!! Trying to "heal" yourself is what it's about. Trying to change what cannot be changed is a lesson in suffering: and an endless one at that...it keeps us focused on that which we DON'T want. Healing and loving ourselves keeps us focusing on what we DO want.....and that's how it gets created!!!!
I see a connection between your first post (pre-light bulb) and your last (post weekend light bulb).
You were open, you were ready, you were asking for an answer. You were not STUCK in your pain. You were NOT focusing on your pain....you were acknowledging it but also looking past it!!! toward what you WANT. There you go! And now you're getting it!! Thank you for letting us in on it!! Thank you!!!
AMAZING miracle this life is, huh? That people can get a different life?
This free will thing is something else!! This power of love is something else!!
-
Wow,
Thank you guys for your big support, boy do I need it.
Mudpup, did you ever hit the nail on the head....
Our victory comes in finally realizing the game they are playing is sick and rigged, and while they win a few battles we win the war when we finally just pick up our toys and go play with the grown ups and leave them to fight over the crumbs.
(alt+q)
A rigged game with me as the fool, sucker, used. You are exactly right. I know they didnt sit out and plan on making me a sucker. But they did over years of living decide to be nasty uncaring people through many decisions they decided over time NOT to care, and NOT to be responsible and even got off on taking from me and others. YUCK. And yes, it is my responsibility to take care of me.
At the same time. I am experiencing deep deep sadness for my child. Deep sadness. That poor girl. That poor poor girl. That poor me. No wonder I have no relationship, no one close. No one who loves me like family. I have no family. I have "friends" who care. No home. Well, that is going to change. Because the jig is up. I get it now. I get the game and I am taking my toys and leaving. I am realizing I am a valuable human being, despite what they brainwashed me into thinking, so they could use me. How sad. How very very sad.
Thank goodness it is another weekend and holiday. Because I can barely move. I am waking up. This body is waking up for the first time. The pain is sobering. And equal to that is the compassion I feel for myself and my little girl. Shame on them. I am finally doing what therapists, books, some friends have been trying to tell me. It just took me this long to see such an ugly ugly truth. But I am and the healing is happening for real this time.
No more pain for me, no more pain for this sweet body. No more pain. Thank God. Thanks again you guys for your AMAZING support and affirmation, validation. Thank goodness you and this is here. I am going to spend a few hours just sitting with a friend.
Love you guys. And thanks especially to you Mudpup for your to the point clarity and understanding. Thanks for being a friend...
Love,
Menow
Those as*%oles....(myparents)
-
Hi Menow,
And thanks especially to you Mudpup for your to the point clarity and understanding. Thanks for being a friend...
I'm glad to be your friend, menow. Very glad. I am one of those who thinks it is impossible to have too many friends. I am also one of those who thinks a cyber friend is just as real and caring as a 3D one.
Its funny how bittersweet it is when we finally get what the whole charade was about.
Bitter because of what should have been but wasn't;
and sweet because its like the scales finally fall from our eyes and we can finally see light and a little glimmer of hope where it was just a confusing fog before.
It just took me this long to see such an ugly ugly truth. But I am and the healing is happening for real this time.
Isn't it awful how they can so warp the world that their shame and ugliness gets stuck on us for so long. I'm glad you're finally healing menow.
Your posts remind me of a butterfly coming out of a chrysallis; after they tried to make you think you were just a caterpillar. What's really sad is they're just a couple of parasitic tapeworms. What a thing to be. Bleckk!
Thanks for being a new pal, menow. :wink: :lol:
mudpup
-
Hi everyone:
Hello Menow:
my childhood IS lost. That it was what it was. There was a part of me that was always looking to vindicate, satiate, replace what was lost. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. And that is sad, but now the healing can begin.
This sums it up pretty well for me too. Thought this years and years ago and yes....they won my childhood....got it....recked big parts of it.....whatever and it is gone....can't be changed or fixed or replace....and it is a sad, sad loss. In healing from all that you are ackowledging the loss of it....which has to be done before you can heal from anything. So good for you!!
Maybe you spent years looking to vindicate, satiate, replace what was lost but that was before you realized exactly what was lost and that it can't be replaced and before you allowed yourself feel the sadness of that loss, maybe? Now that you've done all that realizing and accepting and expressing your sad feelings.....you are well on your way!!! Way to go Menow!!
You can and will build a new life and those who have hurt you will fade into oblivion......their influence/power over you and your choices will be little or nothing and you will be just you from now on.....not some reflection of them/their behaviour/the pain they caused.
(((((((Menow)))))
GFN
-
menow:
You are a survivor. Give yourself this chance, the chance to love and take care of you. My father was very much an N and even though I did not have the sexual abuse, it was emotional. I was not allowed a voice and I remember as a teenager just shutting down and not talking at all. There was no point.
Be true to yourself and love yourself because you deserve it.
Please continue to post here and let us be a part of your healing.
Much love
Patz
-
Oh hello dear friends....
Well, have I had an exhausting 5 or so days. But I am back. And let me respond to what you have written then I will catch you up on what is going on with me.
I'm glad to be your friend, menow. Very glad. I am one of those who thinks it is impossible to have too many friends. I am also one of those who thinks a cyber friend is just as real and caring as a 3D one.
Mudpup, that means so much to me, I read it when you first wrote it and reading it now again, just touches my heart, I have a real friend in you. Thank you.
Patz, I hear you. And thank you. I will. I do deserve it. Thank you for the encouragement.
You can and will build a new life and those who have hurt you will fade into oblivion......their influence/power over you and your choices will be little or nothing and you will be just you from now on.....not some reflection of them/their behaviour/the pain they caused.
GFN, Thank you. That really gives me hope and inspires me. It feels true. For the first time it really feels true. I feel your caring. Thanks.
So.... I am feeling really exhausted. Now I am dealing with the present people in my life. After my big internal and in therapy realisations. My unhealthy relationship came back and I really stood up for myself with him. He has a drug problem and I told him I just cant be with him if he is going to be doing that. Not only told him but backed it up with my actions.... egads. A new one for me. It has been really hard, like breaking my own addiction of focusing on the N, ignoring my self. But I did it and have been doing it.
So many thoughts run through my head, like. I am being really cold and mean, like he is going to fail or die because I didnt help him, yada, yada, yada. Or I need to call him to tell him just one more thing that will save him. It is my child hoping through hell and high water that my dad or mom will come through for me. My poor poor little girl. How exhausting for her. How absolutely exhausting for her. No wonder there was no time for laughter or play. She spent everys second thinking and racking her little brain about how she could fix them so she could get the love. Poor thing. Poor me.
The good news is I clearly and consciously saw it in my present reality. And I stopped. I just pulled away and stopped. It feels weird(of course) and it feels bad(of course). But I am doing it, I am focusing on myself. Like a snowball, it will gather speed and time. More time for me, more time for my thoughts, more time for my needs and wants, more time for me. And those that fit into my life will fit in. Otherwise I HAVE to focus on me. Or I have learned there will be no me. It is an addiction focusing on everyone else.
I am slowly ending my addiction and I have to say, it is like saying goodbye to an old friend. It does feel empty. Focusing on me. But I know that is just a phase and the beginning that it will roll and "I" will appear in my life, bigger and taking up more space, laughter, my laughter (what a concept) my laughter. I didnt know it was there. I look forward to that. But for now, I am just happy with my progress and baby steps.
Again, thanks for listening everyone. Thank God you are here. Thank God this is here. I feel heard. Really heard. I am making progress. I am so thankful. There is a happy life for me, there is hope for a happy life for me. Maybe even a husband, a baby, and a circle of friends who care about me. I would feel like I won the lottery. Thanks again guys. Love you...
Menow
-
Hi menow,
I don't mean this to sound critical of anyone else here, but it is really, really nice to listen to someone just say "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore". Someone who has chosen to refuse to be a victim anymore. 8) :D 8)
Someone optimistic, but still realistic.
I think your attitude is very inspiring menow. I hope others will listen to you and take the same road. All it takes is the determination to refuse to be a victim anymore and to refuse to play their sickening war games.
Of course it will take years to recover and there will be a lot of heartache along the way but the alternative is to drown in their sea of self hatred and dysfunction. Why drown with them, when with some effort, we can leave them to drown on their own?
Good luck, pal. :wink: :D
mudpup
-
Mudpup,
You are awesome! You really get it. THANK YOU!
but the alternative is to drown in their sea of self hatred and dysfunction. Why drown with them, when with some effort, we can leave them to drown on their own?
You are so right, AMEN! And it is hard, and for a co-dependant like me it feels like going uphill. But by God, I am going to do it and am doing it. Even though it seems everything in my body wants to go the other direction. That was how I was trained. But no more. I am taking charge now, I am retraining my body and instincts for self-love and truly caring people.
Anyways! Thanks Mudpup. Thanks for the big boost. It helps ALOT.
Menow
-
Menow
It is really great for me to read this thread as I am going through it as well and have seen the light at the end of the tunnel and have even dared to think that I can now get those things that have been missing in my life like love and healthy relationships and a sense of being cared for and understood. And I truly believe that they come when the time is right and when you truly make the decision to move on and moreover that they are a vital part of the healing. What you said earlier about waiting for your parents to come though and give you the love you were waiting for is so true for myself and they never did, but that did not mean that it was lost forever because a wonderful woman came into my life briefly (in one weekend) when I was at a healing ministry. She was in her 70's and so motherly, and she took me under her wing and fused over me (I was too sick to sit up for the meetings and was at the back of the room on a campbed). She gave me the motherly love I had craved for and I felt that the hole inside had been filled and after that I was able to start to relate to my mother and just accept her for what she was and is, and the fact that she will never show me love and acceptance. I even got the nerve to tell her how much she hurt me in my childhood (I had avoided it until then, ie 53 years, as she always seemed to ill or too something else to cope with it, and I always put others feelings first even hers) but being as she is she did not listen and say sorry or anything but she seemed to have a bit more respect for me afterwards and used me a bit less as her personal punchbag for all of the complaints she had in her life. I lost all the anger towards her that had consumed me. I visit and it is calm and ok and she will never say or indicate that she likes me let alone loves me, but I accept that I love her and now that she is nearing the end of her life, I do not want to lose her and I understand at last that it is she who has lost out as the mother child relationship is so precious and that the suffering of a mother if they love their child but the child does not love back (in my case because of a manipulative father) is an undescribable pain), and reversed also. But now I am coming out of this disfunction and will be happy too soon, little glimmers of it are there and the love that I have to give will be returned to me, not by my family but by the people that will now come into my life. I too have spent all of my life with no-one there for me but it is changing now. This is a really exciting time huh? but boy is it hard, like climbing a mountain, but once you get on that path there is no-one who can stop you but yourself, and I am aiming for the top and you too I feel menow. Good on you. :D
-
Wow, Mati,
You are very courageous. I think we are in the same spot. or very similar. I can feel your focus, determination, seriousness about... this time I am going to get it. That "I am done" with the pain and the loneliness. Me too, Mati. What an amazing experience with that woman. And how courageous of you to accept your mother as she is and to tell her how you got hurt by her. That is something that I have not been able to do, yet, maybe never.
I think that as mylife is filled with more loving caring people I may gather the strength to do that. But maybe I never will. I dont know. My parents are still young. And even though you never know what will happen. I just dont have the strength to communicate with them, and I am allowing that to be right for me.
But I have seen others who have done what you have done and have really benefited. So I am open to what is right down the road. But for now this path is right for me.
It is our turn. It is my turn and I am finally giving it to myself. ANd you are too. That is awesome. It feels right, doesnt it. It feels right. As hard as it is . It feels right. I am so glad for it. For finally being here and seeing an end to the pain. It is about me and my happiness, and my needs. My God, I never thought I would get here. But thank God I am. I am glad you shared your story. GOOD FOR US. GOOD FOR US...
Love, Menow
-
Go, Menow!!!! You sound awake and aware. Rational and optimistic. Awesome!!!! :D :D
-
Hi menow
I am done with the pain and the loneliness
Yes that's it. It is great to find someone else who is on the same stage of the journey.
It took me a long long time to get where I am with my mother and I stopped contact with her at one point. It has helped that she is old now (84) and has mellowed out, maybe it could not have happened when she was younger, I don't know. Forgiveness is something that I think only God can help us do. I told her she had hurt me because I had wanted to for a long time but did not in case she could not cope with it, and left it so long but in the end I realised that it should be about my feelings this time not hers. I am so pleased that I did it even though it did not do much.
Yes it does feel right and it is the hardest thing I have ever done, but for the first time in my life I feel like I am living with respect and integrity. I am in that period where i have moved away from all the dysfunctional relationships and it is scary to feel alone but it feels good. And now I have two new friends who have been showing me love and it is such a relief because I know that my relationships from now on will be equal, and they will appreciate me and we will support and help each other. Wow! it is really something :D Good for us indeed!
Thanks for the encouraging things you said about me. You are courageous too.
love
Mati
-
Longtire,
Thanks!!! Thank you for the powerful validation. YES! Clear, clean, self-focused and powerful. It feels weird but good. :lol:
Mati, Yeah, I can see that it would be easier to do it with an 84 year old. When I thought about it, I thought, oh I could do that : ) But now when my parents are about 59. They still have a long life to live, unfortunately for me. That is terrible to say. But true in a way. That is so awesome how you told her that you have to tell her your feelings for you this time. GOOD FOR YOU! That takes guts. And you are welcome. THank you too: ) It will be fun to see how our lives get really really good!!! LOL! It is only up for us!!!
Ironically, I moved into my new apt. about a month ago, while I was dating this drug user. One of my new neighbors is a healthy recovering addict. Very loving, caring and strong. Well, he has helped me sooo much. He actually really cares about my well being. (shocker!) He is a little older, wiser and very sweet about this whole addiction thing. He helped me to focus and care about me and let this man go until he gets help and healed. Anyway, he is a new caring friend who keeps his word.
This weekend I am going to take care of me and as hard as it is force myself to sit down and focus on a book I have been promising myself to write for the last 15 years. I am really going to do it. So I will report back about how it is going... that will help me to keep my word to myself.
I have done alot of that.... dropping my word to myself, because I wasnt important to me.
My therapist brought up something that really struck me. He said YOU dont listen to YOU. He had said that before, but I couldnt relate. Now I get it. I really dont listen to my inner voice or my desires and needs that come up all through out the day. I am doing it more and it really helps give me some peace and even some happiness.
As I was driving around today, I realized that's what makes people happy. That is what "happy" people are doing, they are focused on themselves and fulfilling their needs not running around fuliflling everyone elses, which is what I usually do and did. Now I understand and am able to do it too: )
Okay, thanks for listening again. This is such a healthy place. And when I write and focus on me, my healthiness and HAPPINESS grows. Thanks guys, again for listening and being here.
Love, Menow. :lol: :lol:
-
Hey, Menow! What a bright light you bring to this place. Isn't it cool how focusing on what you want, which brings you happiness, then radiates out to others and brings them happiness? It's not what we were taught is it?(at least not me, or my interpretation of it pre-awakening!)
I am glad you are finding happiness. It is contagious.
-
Menow,
Good for you. :D :D It helps all of us to hear the positive stories and the hope for a future of happiness. It's good that you are listening to you and caring for you. That's what will eventually allow you to share (and that is the key word to a good relationship) that loving and caring with someone else.
When we are in relationships with n's, we give away our love in hopes of having it returned. We keep giving and they keep taking and eventually the love supply is empty because it was never given back. Now you have to rebuild your own supply so you have the self-awareness, self-esteem, and self-love to eventually exchange with someone who deserves it.
As I am telling you this, I am also telling myself. I am working very hard on rebuilding that love supply inside me that has been pretty empty for a long time (except where my children are concerned). I feel it is working and I, too am feeling so much better about myself and my life in general, than I have for quite awhile.
I have the faith that we will get through this, learn many new things about ourselves and build the strength necessary to follow our dreams, whatever they may be.
Hugs,
Brigid
-
Ironically, I moved into my new apt. about a month ago, while I was dating this drug user. One of my new neighbors is a healthy recovering addict. Very loving, caring and strong. Well, he has helped me sooo much. He actually really cares about my well being. (shocker!) He is a little older, wiser and very sweet about this whole addiction thing. He helped me to focus and care about me and let this man go until he gets help and healed. Anyway, he is a new caring friend who keeps his word.
Many years ago I had a friend much like you describe your neighbor to be. He was the first one to present to me the concept of being true to myself. not giving up my spirit, and going forward with compassion and dignity. He was a recovering alcoholic and had gone through rehab twice. You are blessed to have such a friend. The good ones are out there, aren't they!
-
Thanks, Mum... What beautiful words of encouragement. It really made me feel good.
Thanks too, Brigid, you have been really supportive of my journey in here.
Dogbit, yeah, those good friends are out there. And he has been wonderful. That is weird you had one too who had been through rehab. It seems to me that those who have been through hell and back can understand eachother! Thanks for understanding me, and I loved your quote at the bottom... "I didnt create the monster, I just rattled his cage." Soooo true!
So, here I am. A bit low. I think I am in recovery mode. Can't think about anything heavy. Sort of taking an emotional break. Those last few days were really heavy and full of realizations. Now I need to allow the integration and just "be". So not much to report. I did write a few words on my book. And am going to try to set up my new apt. I still have boxes laying around of stuff. So that is my plan. I will write more when I have more to write. But I am being honest : ) That is a good thing. I hope you all are doing well.
Menow
-
So, here I am. A bit low. I think I am in recovery mode. Can't think about anything heavy. Sort of taking an emotional break. Those last few days were really heavy and full of realizations. Now I need to allow the integration and just "be". So not much to report. I did write a few words on my book. And am going to try to set up my new apt. I still have boxes laying around of stuff. So that is my plan. I will write more when I have more to write. But I am being honest : ) That is a good thing. I hope you all are doing well.
Menow
Menow, I like the way you words things. :) I realized today that it is much easier to trust myself and not push things if I feel that I am moving in the right direction, no matter how slow or how many steps back it takes. I don't remember if I ever felt that way before or it has just been so long that I had forgotten. Sometimes just resting and recuperating is the hardest thing to let myself do.
-
Hi Longtire,
Thanks for the affirmation on taking care of myself, that is true for me too. It is the hardest thing to do for myself. I am glad I am doing it.
I had a really heavenly thought last night about how nice it would be to take a YEAR off. How sinful!!!! Please! My God, I have been overcompensating and running around trying to feel safe for 39 years! I am exhausted!!!! It would be heaven to take a year off!!! I am just sending that desire out to my angels of mercy!!! :) Anybody listening up there??? :roll:
Well, I put it out there, stranger things have happened. But for now, I have set my life up to keep a light schedule and still pay my bills. Thank goodness! Because right now I have ZERO patience or energy for giving a darn thing to anyone right now. Sorry to be so blunt. But what can I say, it is true.
I am glad you like the I put things.
Menow
-
Menow: love the year off.
I told my sister recently, that I had a new philosophy: called "not giving a S***!" She was a little taken aback (not by the swear word) by the idea, until I explained.
When you care sooooo much about stuff, it might just kill you. I was once told the line: "More people die from hurt and resentment than any other thing". (Florence Scofield Shinn...spelling may be wrong).
I think it's true. Wars are fought, stress disease results, etc etc...
It's a blunt way of saying some kinder things:
That attachment causes suffering. (Buddhist teachings)
And that if you spend your energy on something that is not within your influence, yet part of your larger concern (Steven Covey's circles of influence/concern) it's a recipe for pain.
I think there are a million ways to tell it....but it comes down to choice and realizing that it is one (where you spend your energy/time).
I wish you well on your path to healing (and I have a feeling that one year will turn into a new way of doing life!! YAY!!)
-
I told my sister recently, that I had a new philosophy: called "not giving a S***!" She was a little taken aback (not by the swear word) by the idea, until I explained.
When you care sooooo much about stuff, it might just kill you.
Mum, you're awesome!!! :lol: :lol: I laughed out loud! I love it! That is exactly how I feel after a day of bull$(*#! I am tired and sick of it all. And you know what I dont give a sh$#! It is so true. I care sooooooo much about every frickin detail. Who is trying to screw me, who is trying to take advantage, did they really mean what they said, are they a good friend or not, should I trust them, yada yada yada. I am exhausted. Too bad I am not like most N's and just drink/drug myself into oblivion. I care tooooo much.
Don't get me wrong I am glad that I care. But geez. I am just taking the load off tonight and listening to me. And you know what is sad, I really don't have someone I can just unload with. I kept trying to think of someone I could call who would care or be there. And there was no one. So tonight I am going to pretend as if. As if I had someone who really cares and gets mad with me, and takes care of me. I have to start somewhere. So if I do it for me tonight, and keep doing it for me, then people will start showing up who do the same. That is my philosophy anyways. I will put it to the test. So tonight is the night. I will let you all know how it goes.
I am off to make some dinner and to take care of me. Thank goodness I can write here to you guys who do have an ear and understand all this. Thank you!!!!!! And thanks Mum for giving me a great laugh! And some wise words to ponder! We are definitely on the same page here! :x :lol:
Menow
-
Hey, Menow. I have the same kind of situation. My kids are at their dad's, my fiance is 2000 miles away, and sisters are all very far away (and time zones...etc). The few people here I would talk to, just get way too into the dramas of life for me to even dial the phone. I spent all day on the phone with attorney, at work finishing up a project (I'm supposed to be on vacation!)...
So I eat a (bad) chocolate chip cookie and some milk and check in here and I will veg out and watch a dvd when I should be doing yoga or running instead!
But guess what? I don't give a.....
So anyway, so you don't feel alone, we can not give a **** together!!!!
I'll be thinking of you when I eat the next bad item!!!
-
Mum, I love it! Yes! I will join you! Let's see what I can scrounge up that's bad! And there are a million things I can do too, but who the hell cares!!! It is my night, too! I am going to veg out and watch some juicy tv. I already planned my programs for the night. : ) I can just picture you eating your cookie and milk! Go for it. That sounds really good. And boy do I know all about the dramas.... NO THANKS! I did get a really sweet email from my new neighbor friend, that was nice, I guess he can handle it! For so long I put a frickin smile on my face. God forbid I had an undesireable emotion that might turn someone away! Well, no more, here I am world. SORRY. Take it or leave it. :D Gosh, it feels good to say that! Party on Mum. I'll be thinkin of you. You crack me up!
Menow
-
Menow:
next bad item(s):
dark chocolate covered ginger pieces and a frozen Indian food dinner (in that order, think I'll heat the dinner first, though) and the film "I (heart) Huckabees". 3 big dogs and I'm set for the night (oh, would that make it a three dog night?)
Have fun!
MUM
-
menow: see the film "I heart Huckabees"....existentialism, good and evil, infinity, meaning....all in a much funnier venue than star wars.
-
Mum... hmmmm tasty! I usually eat my desserts first too. :shock: Huckabees, huh. Is it depressing? I avoided it because I saw this dysfunctional family sitting there. I watched 60 minutes with the amish people not dealing with their serious inbred diseases. At least it seems they are beginning to wake up. Then I watched "dancing with the stars". It was awesome. So cute and fun. I highly reccomend it. Good, clean fun. Evander Holyfield was so cute. It will be on next week too. So let me know about Huckabees and maybe I'll consider renting it, I like the things you said about it. I just got a serious buzzkill. My friend called who knows about computers and is helping me get rid of my virus. No FUN at all. Ugh.
3 dog night:lol: , it sounds GREAT!
Menow
-
Hey, Menow. Huckabees is strange, but I like strange films. It's concept is funny: a confused young man hires "existential detectives" to find out about what he sees as a "coincidence". It's not nearly the "heavy" movie I thought I would see, and I was pleasantly surprised. Especially good to see Dustin Hoffman in that film as I just watched (part of, I shut it off) him in "Meet the Fockers" and couldn't believe how sophomoric the humor was....potty humor mostly. Kind of pointless stuff, guess you have to be in the mood.
Lots of great acting in Huckabees....it really moved along, too, which a lot of "artsy" films do not.
I thought it would be like "The Royal Tannenbaums", which I liked, but that I found HEAVY at times.....and it was much, much lighter.
-
Hi Mum, Okay, that sounds good. I think I was thinking of the royal tannenbaums. That did look depressing. I also left the theatre halfway through Meet the Fockers. I had the same thought, such stupid potty humor. It was an insult to any adult intelligence. Well, the healthy ones. So I think I will give it a try, I Huckabees sounds good!
I am tired really tired. I finally cleaned my place, I was forced to, I have a friend coming back to town. My nice neighbor :D He is so sweet. I really like him as a friend for now. I can be myself. He gets me and listens.
But today, I had another day of crying. I think my body is waking up. So much sadness. So much pain. I think my body is literally letting it out. I am just physically exhausted. But all the while I am having so many poignant realizations about what I had to put up with. I have so much more compassion for myself these last few weeks. I am off to bed...
Menow