Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: miaxo on May 16, 2005, 01:14:26 PM
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Hi All
Last week my daughter was worried that her Dad would find out that she was scolded by a counselor (teenager) in the after school program for "acting too silly". Basically I told her that everything had been handled (daughter talked to and corrected about acting inappropriately at program, etc) and that I wasn't planning on bringing it up to Dad. She responded in a panicked voice that Dad would find out anyway since he knows everything that is going on in my mind. She went on to tell me that Dad said he's "like a fly on the wall" and always knows whats happening when its happening. I felt like saying, "Your father knows squat" but I didn't.
I am concerned b/c his comments are intimidating my daughter....which I'm 99.9% was his intention.
I can't recall if I posted (and I am too lazy to look back over my posts) about the incident when my daughter returned from a dinner date with her Dad and she came up on the front porch and began banging ferociously at the glass on the side panel. Simultaneously I was opening up the garage and was coming out to greet the kids. I hear the commotion and I go to the front porch. I call out to my daughter. She is in such a state of panic that she doesn't even hear me. She continues her banging and at this point is screaming, "He's watching us, He's watching". I go up behind her...still calling her name....she doesn't realize I am there until I place my hand on her shoulder. She jolts to look at me. I look down at her hand and it is bleeding from all the banging on the glass.
Sitting at the bottom of my drive, in his car, with his windows open is X N. He sat there and just watched all this happen. He never budged, never attempted to get out to see why she was so upset, never blinked an eye.
No matter how many times I asked her why she was so upset she will just say b/c Dad was watching us.
Over the last month she has become more fearful of him.
I'm trying to get to the bottom of why her fear is growing.
Keep in mind that she is now spending increased visitation time with him since he is now taking advantage of his FULL EOWE visits which he never did over the past five years.
Can emotional/mental abuse alone cause this state of fear??
Thanks in advance for your feedback.
Mia
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I gather she's either 5 or 7 which is much, much too young for a child to have this level of fear around her father.
I don't really know the legalities but is there anyone professional she could talk to? Even at school? If she discussed her feelings with a professional, you would be in a much better place to query his visitation rights. Seems to me they should be supervised.
It's very worrying for you and I hope it works out.
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Mia,
I'm in my forties and my lovely brother has made such an effort over the years to act like he is a 'fly on the wall' that I feel like he is watching me or can find out what I'm doing half the time. He can't of course, but they exploit the information they do have to sound omniscient and it can get into a persons head. If it can get into a grown man's head who knows better, it can surely scare a little girl who doesn't.
I'm trying to get to the bottom of why her fear is growing.
It sounds to me as though he is ratcheting up the manipulation of your kids. And as they get a little older and more able to think they will become more aware or susceptible to it. Its pretty hard hard for a three year old to react to manipulation. Not so hard for an 8 or 10 year old.
Hopefully however, they will become more susceptible to your explanation of what is going on as well.
Sitting at the bottom of my drive, in his car, with his windows open is X N. He sat there and just watched all this happen. He never budged, never attempted to get out to see why she was so upset, never blinked an eye.
Bet that made his sick little mind feel omnipotent.
What a schmuck! :evil:
mudpup
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Oh, Mia. I am sick for you....but I do have something encouraging that I found out recently. Last week, in court, I won the right for my children to speak to someone about their feelings on the visitation schedule. My ex opposed it, but lost.
Also, in the last week, I talked to a woman, whose ex had accused her of PAS, and her children were in extensive counseling. Well, she told me briefly, that the therapist they were seeing has evidence that the children were being emotionally and verbally abused by the father and has now gone to court with her findings. Obviously, the abuse is not good news, but the mom suspected all along.....but now she has the muscle to back her up.
Things are moving forward, finally for her and her children.....and I believe they will for us as well.
I have decided to keep my head down, and keep focused on my and my children's emotional health, regardless of the distractions and fear of PAS that is out there. I know full well I do everything possible to encourage respect for thier father in my children, but I will not encourage them to accept abuse, and this is NOT PAS.
I know your kids are in therapy, and this must be heard. Have your lawyer file a motion to get his visitation reduced, based on this behavoir of your daughter.....and get this heard.
I will be with you....and so will all the other mothers protecting thier children! They may do what they can to silence us but they CANNOT!
((((((Mia)))))) and ((((((((sweet daughter))))))))
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Wow, very disturbing stuff. It's hard to say whether she is truly paranoid or whether she wants to show loyalty to you, by how much she dislikes/fears her father. Ultimately it seems the visits to him are very disruptive and traumatic to her. Maybe if she acts out enough at school, they will call CPS on her dad (if she mentions him during the acting out). What does your attorney say?
bunny
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Hi Mia:
This is not usual/normal/typical behaviour of a child returning from a happy, comfortable visit with her dad. Whatever is going on....is not acceptable because it is causing your child to feel distressed.
I'm with Mum, I think legal steps are in order....at least as Bunny asks...see what your lawyer says??
As to the school....maybe you could go in and speak with her teachers and see if they have noticed changes/new behaviours and if there is any relation to those dad visits (time-wise). If so, document and ask them to sign/witness. I wouldn't be waiting for CPS to get involved because you want to take steps to protect her.....not wait for them to accuse you of not doing so.
This sounds so serious that I would be heading to a medical doctor to boot. Time for a physical for your daughter and for you to have a chat with your doc. Hopefully, you have one you feel comfortable speaking with, who will immediately understand and help your daughter feel comfortable. Take documentation with you.
The thing you don't want to do is become alarmed (which I know sounds really dense of me to say but I mean it). Don't let fear take over right now. Document everything in detail. The more you have written down accurately, the better. The more you concentrate on what you can do, the better.
Supervised visitation is definately what I would be telling my lawyer I want....absolutely...... for the health and safety and well being of my child. ASAP.
I wonder if your doctor would consider giving you a note saying that your daughter is not feeling well enough to go visiting at dad's for awhile? You can point out that the doc writing a note is a necessary step to protect your child, which is what you are concerned with right now.
Ask your lawyer what temporary, emergency steps can be taken. This child is in distress and it is necessary to prevent worse from happening.
What would CPS do?
My prayers for you and your little one, Mia.
(((((((Mia and daughter)))))))
GFN
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a much stronger reaction than to be expected, especially the cutting on the glass.
Either he is terrifying the life out of her some way more than just his narcissistic behaviour ( remember most of our n-dads have strange relationships with their kids but the kids aren't terrified of them like this ) or she has developed a mental illness?
I think first off an assessment from a good child psychologist or psychiatrist would be helpful.
And start recording everything, as factually and dispassionatelyas possible, in case you need to go back into court and argue to stop visitation.
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Mia,
You have received good practical information from many here. I just want to say that I hate him and what he is doing to your daughter. Why do the children have to be punished because they have an evil parent who never should have been a parent.
I am praying that you and your children can find a way away from this man. There will need to be repair of the damage down the road, but the sooner it stops the less damage to be repaired.
((((((((Mia & children))))))))))))
Brigid
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Thanks for all the replies.
We had a therapy appt this afternoon. I spoke at length with my daughter's therapist. She was concerned. She has met with X N twice with the last interaction being on Saturday AM. This was our eighth visit with her.
She relayed some concerns she had regarding comments X N made to her. Apparently he goes in there and bashes my daughter to the therapist. He complains about what a difficult child she is and that she can't interact appropriately with her brother. The therapist and I were talking alone in a separate room while the kids played together for over 25 minutes. T asked me if I had problems with the kids at home as far as sibling interaction goes. Outside of the *normal* kid stuff I honestly don't have any complaints. T expressed that she didn''t see what X N was saying either. An example being how well they played the entire time I was with T. T did notice that my daughter is much more relaxed and willing and to talk when I bring her as opposed to when Dad brings her.
My daughter opened up alot to T and told her how Dad often becomes angry and says many hurtful things to her.
T said she will address everything with X N when he comes back in two weeks. He is away on business and will not be having contact with the kids until that time.
T also informed me that X N's attorney phoned her last week and asked her what her role was in all of this??? WTH?? His attorney wanted to know what benefit this was going to be to N. She said he couldn't understand the concept that she was there to help the children adjust to spending increased time with N.
My attorney has been advising me to document, document, document.
I don't feel that my daughter is developing a mental illness. I know how X N operates and he is not afraid to use intimidation tactics at every turn. My daughter is the spitting image of me and she has a very strong personality and tends to challenge when she feels something is wrong. I would bet everything that he views her as a mini me.....his nemesis. Even though he can't stand being around her, he sees her as one of his possessions...something for him to control.
I was able to escape through divorce. I am desperately trying to find an escape route for my children. Right now, my son doesn't show any negative effects from X N but then again he is being favored by N while daughter has always been his target.
With all this craziness going on, my daughter does exceptionally well at school. I am very open with her teacher and she doesn't see any signs that my daughter is distressed.
Often my daughter will spill her guts to my Mom. She loves her G-Mom and tells her just about everything. I was able to report on many of their conversations to the T today.
I'm working on getting them away but it won't happen overnight. As Mum knows it can get very tricky with all the BS related to this PAS crap!
Sometimes (Ok, all the time) I watch X N from inside the house as he's either picking up the kids or dropping them off and I just want to run out there and beat the living crap out of him. Other times when he is five minutes late I start hoping that something happened to him. I catch myself and say, STOP IT MIA STOP IT MIA....God forbid something will end up happening when he has the kids in the car and that MF'r :twisted: would survive.
If you lasted this long, thanks. I'd better get to bed....not that I'll be able to go to sleep.
Thank you for all your support gang! I do appreciate it so very much.
Mia
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T said she will address everything with X N when he comes back in two weeks.
What will this accomplish except to make Dad very angry? Maybe I don't understand how it's going to work. It sounds like she is going to tell him that people have been "telling on him." Then his daughter spends the weekend with him??! Are you also concerned.
bunny
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What will this accomplish except to make Dad very angry? Maybe I don't understand how it's going to work. It sounds like she is going to tell him that people have been "telling on him." Then his daughter spends the weekend with him??! Are you also concerned.
hopefully she will have some tact - and just fish around for information with some delicate questioning. hopefully she wouldnt be so dumb as to implicate the daughter and get her in more trouble. -hopefully-.
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bunny
I told her I didn't want it addressed with him b/c it would put him right on the defense and he would take it out on daughter.
She assured me that she would do it in such a way that he won't know that daughter *tattled*.
Right now I am placing my trust in her.
She knows N has issues with anger management.
Mia
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Hi All
She went on to tell me that Dad said he's "like a fly on the wall" and always knows whats happening when its happening. I felt like saying, "Your father knows squat" but I didn't.
Mia
I have read about what you are doing with the t, and it sounds as if everyone is being careful to protect your daughter, and you are doing really well, Mia. The description you give seems to indicate that your daughter is not sure where she ends and her dad begins - understandable enough with an N parent. Lots of us understand that one.
I am not sure how old your daughter is, but depending on her age, I would think of some games to play with her to help her strengthen her own identity. Nothing to do with her dad - leave him out of it - but to do with her own self, in relation to you.
For example, you can play a guessing game. She has to think of a word, and you have to guess what it is. Every time you guess wrong, she laughs at you, and at the same time learns that you - her own mother - cannot actually read her mind. :) Even playing I Spy will teach that same thing. If you are brave you can say that some people like to think that they can guess what is in another person's head, but they can't. To prove it, you can think something really outrageous, and they will never know!!! You can say you are thinking something funny, and can she guess, and then tell her what it is. Then she can do the same.
Another game might be like 'Mr Wolf' in the playground. Either you or some toys, moved closer to her while she turns away, without her knowing that they have moved. Learning about where her own space begins and ends.
These are not meant to replace therapy, but playing might help reassure her of her own integrity as a person. An antidote to some of the poison. But take or leave as you wish; only you know your own daughter. You describe her as strong and determined, and that is such a lovely thing to see in her, I am sure. I hate her to be so frightened by this nasty man. :evil: Sorry, shouldn't say too much, but I understand you not wanting her to spend time with him.
My daughter has a highly manipulative dad, and I have to do a certain amount of unravelling just from a phone call, let alone a visit. I have seen nothing on the scale that you describe, and I feel for you. I am sure that with the right support your daughter can overcome these issues, and I certainly wish you well with it.
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Oh October,
Thank you for your words. My daughter is 7 and I think she would enjoy playing those games with me.
I think what you wrote about not knowing where she begins and ends regarding her N Dad is so true. Thanks for the lightbulb moment. Once she's home after a visit she seems to be able to transition back to "normal". Some days it takes a little longer than others but she is able to do it.
These next weeks will be so pleasant since she won't be seeing him and usually he never calls while away. So basically we all have a two week vacation! YAY!
Both kids are doing very well today. We just returned from dinner out with my Mom and they really enjoyed themselves.
I hope your daughter is doing well. It sounds like you do a wonderful job with "damage control" regarding your X's antics. How is he fairing BTW?
Thanks for the games. I am psyched to play them now. :D
Take care.
Mia
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mud said:
I'm in my forties and my lovely brother has made such an effort over the years to act like he is a 'fly on the wall' that I feel like he is watching me or can find out what I'm doing half the time. He can't of course, but they exploit the information they do have to sound omniscient and it can get into a persons head. If it can get into a grown man's head who knows better, it can surely scare a little girl who doesn't.
I know. I have to remind myself of the dictator he was during our marriage. Big Brother was always there breathing down my neck.
If everyone doesn't mind I would like to share a letter I received this afternoon in the mail from X N's attorney. The letter was addressed to the children's therapist with a cc to me and X N.
It reads as follows:
Dear Ms. S:
Both my client and I are somewhat concerned as to the fact that this matter has been lingering so long and it appears that there may not be positive success being made.
In addition, I am somewhat confused as to what you perceive your role is in this matter. Is it as a counselor for the children, is it for family counseling to enable Ms. H and Mr. R to communicate with each other, or is it as an evaluator or mediator?
Awaiting to hear from you, I am.
This cracks me up since it was made quite clear that therapy was court ordered at my request to help the children adjust to more time with their Father. X N resisted the idea of therapy and initially was in contempt of the court order since he failed to contact the T by the deadline given by the Judge.
The kicker is that just THREE WEEKS AGO X N sent a letter to Therapist telling her how pleased he was the therapy was progressing so well (at that point he had only been to one session). Can everyone else see the contradiction he made within a three week time frame? And the fact that he has his lawyer writing to the T is ridiculous IMHO.
I believe after his last session with T he came to the realization that therapy is not rewarding him in any way. He figures it's a waste of his time. The kids just started in early March and he feels therapy has been lingering? Give me a break.
Is he digging a hole for himself or won't anyone even care?
Sorry, but I can't seem to stop venting. Thanks for listening.
Mia
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I believe after his last session with T he came to the realization that therapy is not rewarding him in any way. He figures it's a waste of his time. The kids just started in early March and he feels therapy has been lingering? Give me a break.
i think that letter is hilarious (if it werent so sad) but i just think hes trying to intimidate her, becuase he is realizing a she is about to observe his carefully hidden 'true self'.
ha - i hope she sees him for everything he is. therapy isnt about him, its for THEM to help them deal with the aftermath of his crap. geez louise!
anna
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Typical N about-face, Mia -- you are so right, he has realized this T is actually good enough to see through him, and he wants the kids away from her yesterday.
Abuse is a progressive disease, like alcoholism. It takes more and more to get the same 'kick'. Your XN seems to be escalating.
Sounds like his lawyer is pretty N-abusive too. He'd have to be, to take your X's money for sending this letter when he must know exactly what you know about the court ordering therapy, etc. There are decent lawyers who refuse to enable this kind of thing...
They're trying to run this T off just like they did the last one. I hope she has the brains, guts and backbone to stand up to them. It shouldn't take long to shut this garbage down, if she does.
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Sounds like his lawyer is pretty N-abusive too. He'd have to be, to take your X's money for sending this letter when he must know exactly what you know about the court ordering therapy, etc. There are decent lawyers who refuse to enable this kind of thing...
I was wondering if he had N tendencies too or if he is just incompetent. I know my attorney would have "slapped my hand" if I tried to have him pen a letter like the one they sent to T.
I have a feeling that the T is seeing through him now....only took three sessions. Hmmm....I wonder what the average is on number of sessions it takes for the N to emerge?
The more T tries to give him tips on how to parent the kids the more he is going to resist. If he stops without permission of the T he will be in contempt and this time we will sic the Judge on him full throttle.
Mia
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Mia,
Regarding your X having the lawyer send the letter to the T: if he is anything like mine, he is very emotionally immature and therefore surrounds himself with people who will be his substitute parents. He is incapable of taking the responsibility to have a relationship with the T, so he puts it off to the lawyer.
My XH has surrounded himself with mostly female supporters to handle his life for him and they become surrogate mothers (or fathers). Nearly every communication I have had with my H for the last 12 months has come through his attorney.
I may be completely out to lunch on this, but just thought I'd throw in my 2 cents.
Enjoy your XN vacation for the next 2 weeks. Maybe he'll meet with some demise while gone (or blow up) :twisted: .
Hugs,
Brigid
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Hi Mia and all:
What a silly trick your ex NH is trying to pull by sending that letter via his lawyer!
I wonder what the T would say, if you mentioned that you also rec'd a copy of this silly letter, :D (if you haven't already mentioned it...maybe I missed that...oops :oops: ).
I'm glad you and the kids have a couple of weeks free of his junk, a little vacation from him. Vent away when you need to! I don't mind. :D
Keeping you in my prayers.
GFN
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Mia: wow, your ex sends those ridiculous letters too? I figure it's because my ex has a lawyer (female) who is well known for sucking as much money out of her clients as possible...so when he says: write something ridiculous, she says: SURE!!
Unfortunately, everytime she does a letter, my attorney must respond, so mine ussually waits a while and responds in bulk. It's still costing me a fortune.
Anyhow....I think this is a good thing for you, really. It does show he feels threatened...and this whole thing may blow up in his face soon. My kids are going to speak soon, so I am hoping for the same (exposure of the ex).
Hang in there....and dont' worry if you can help it. (I'm finding it doesn't help me much).
Sending you love and light (to your kiddos too).
PS: I picked up "People of the Lie" by M. Scott Peck. Have you read it? I ask because you have talked about evil before and that's what it is all about (oh, and I think our ex's are on the cover!!!)
mum
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Hi mum,
Unfortunately, everytime she does a letter, my attorney must respond
Why?
I've told my attorney to ignore crap like that and he has. If it is something to do with procedure or scheduling thats one thing, if its a crock of s%$%t then why not have your attorney write one letter saying she refuses to waste her clients money on your exes mental problems. This professional courtesy crap is just that..... crap. Expensive crap.
Mia,
Why is his attorney sending mail directly to you? If you have an attorney that is unethical.
I'm not even sure it is ethical for him to ask those questions of the T. If she was court appointed he probably should be addressing those questions to the court. Every state is different of course, but this guy sounds like he is taking liberties.
Maybe a kick in the teeth is in order?
mudpup
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Why is his attorney sending mail directly to you? If you have an attorney that is unethical.
That's a good question, Mud. This is the second time he has done so.
Maybe he is a N afterall too. He sent a letter to my attorney about a month ago realizing that he shouldn't be corresponding directly with me and that he would no longer be doing so. WTH?
What are the consequences for such behavior? I don't even want to bother my lawyer right now with it...too much $$.
Mum,
No, I haven't read that. I'll be sure to pick it up. Thanks for the tip.
I hope you and your kids prevail in the long run. I am doing better about not worrying as much. Thanks for asking. Instead I try to find the humor in all his insane ramblings.
Thanks everyone for your good thoughts and prayers....GFN, Stormy, Brigid, D's Mom, serena, bunny, mum and mud and anyone I may have forgotten.
Mia
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Mia, I just thought of something. Our attorneys have a court order NOT to contact the therapist themselves. Absolutely verboten!!! Check that out....it is totally worth finding out. Your ex is a stupid fool, he really is. And his attorney sounds just as dumb....I think they may have blown it here (good!!!)
Mud: The questions we must respond to are about "offers" in a "sort of" negotiation that is going on. I like the way my lawyer handles it....save it up and send three responses in one. Yeah, it's costing me....but when I think about it I laugh like a crazy person (if I don't I'll cry).....hhheheeeee hhhahaaaa hhhahahooooo........Also, because its money, it's not my soul!!!!
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Thanks Mum
I just emailed my attorney about the appropriateness of his lawyer contacting the children's therapist. I wonder if it's OK b/c the therapy was court ordered??? I'll let you know when I hear back.
Thanks for the heads up.
Mia
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mum,
The questions we must respond to are about "offers" in a "sort of" negotiation that is going on.
Yeah, negotiating with an N. Now there's an oxymoron. With an emphasis on moron.
I've found it a complete waste of time and money to even try. Its just a game and they're even willing to slit their own throats to 'win' which to them means 'harm the other party'.
How can you negotiate when an N is the very poster child for the term 'bad faith'?
Its like bargaining with a spitting cobra; they say they won't bite so they spit in your eye; they say they won't spit and they sink their fangs in your neck.
I guess the only way to negotiate with an N is to hire a mongoose. And they don't come cheap.
mudpup
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Mudpup; You just crack me up. Yup, it's totally ridiculous. As soon as my ex dumped my "offer" to negotiate the first go round....I knew it was a waste of time. Now, however, he keeps trying to cut deals with me, all in a thinly veiled effort to make it so the children will not speak!!!
I won't deal. My kids having a voice is not a negotiable point for me.
Oh, yeah, I think my attorney would object to me calling her a mongoose, although she sure isn't cheap, so that fits!!!!
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If everyone doesn't mind I would like to share a letter I received this afternoon in the mail from X N's attorney. The letter was addressed to the children's therapist with a cc to me and X N.
It reads as follows:
Dear Ms. S:
Both my client and I are somewhat concerned as to the fact that this matter has been lingering so long and it appears that there may not be positive success being made.
In addition, I am somewhat confused as to what you perceive your role is in this matter. Is it as a counselor for the children, is it for family counseling to enable Ms. H and Mr. R to communicate with each other, or is it as an evaluator or mediator?
Awaiting to hear from you, I am.
Sorry, but I can't seem to stop venting. Thanks for listening.
Mia
This letter is really bizarre. Correct me if I am wrong, any lawyers around, but I am under the impression that a lawyer takes instructions from a client, and then acts accordingly. In which case a letter from a lawyer would say 'my client is concerned about x, y and z, and has requested me to write to you for clarification of these matters.'
What struck me immediately from this lettter, however, is that the lawyer is writing not only on behalf of his client, but also for his own personal peace of mind. What is that all about? :? He has no business being somewhat concerned, except only on his client's behalf. He has no business saying 'I am somewhat confused' (Although, in a Freudian sense, it appears to be true. :twisted: ).
Looks like the lawyer also doesn't know where the boundaries are between himself and his client. And if the N can do it to a lawyer, no wonder he can do it to a defenceless child.
In replying, if I replied at all to such a daft letter, I would request clarification of who is asking the questions, and on whose behalf. I would also agree with the comment that if this t is court ordered, the questions should be directed to the court, rather than anyone else. The court, as the appointee, ought to be the only body with the power to question, validate or invalidate the t. And it ought to do this in direct communication with the t, rather than anyone else.
In other words, butt out N and Nlawyercodependent. :lol:
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Oh October,
Thank you for your words. My daughter is 7 and I think she would enjoy playing those games with me.
Thanks for the games. I am psyched to play them now. :D
Take care.
Mia
You're welcome. Thought of another idea. Could you buy your kids a magic set, so that they can learn some tricks? To teach them that there is no such thing as magic, only tricks that we play on people.
And somewhere along the line, they can learn as well that there are good tricks, like magic sets teach you, and not so good tricks, like pretending that we can read someone's mind, to make them feel unhappy?
Just a thought. :wink:
Don't let them take the magic set to visit their dad, though. Ns don't like pretending to be fooled by the tricks, like we can do forever for our kids.
You sound like a wonderful mum, btw. :lol:
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Hi October,
He has no business being somewhat concerned, except only on his client's behalf.
I've been around an awful lot of lawyers over the years and to say that there is a high occurence of Nism amongst them would be like saying that Germans are slightly fond of beer or that Russians occasionally invade their neighbors.
For a lot of lawyers their client exists solely so that the lawyer can stick his nose into other people's lives and prove how superior he/she is. That's why their own clients can't stand them half the time.
There are a lot of good, 'normal' lawyers, but there is a whole pile of lawyers who live to prove just how ethically challenged they are and dare anybody to do something about it. :evil:
There's a million vindictive lawyer jokes for a reason. :wink: :twisted:
mudpup
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...teach them that there is no such thing as magic, only tricks that we play on people.
This is a fantastic idea and so is October's recommendation that the father NOT be told about it or shown any of the tricks. Perhaps this could become part of play therapy with the t?
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What struck me immediately from this lettter, however, is that the lawyer is writing not only on behalf of his client, but also for his own personal peace of mind. What is that all about? He has no business being somewhat concerned, except only on his client's behalf. He has no business saying 'I am somewhat confused' (Although, in a Freudian sense, it appears to be true. ).
I really feel obligated to file an ethics complaint against this attorney. Not only for sending this letter directly to me and the T but for past infractions as well. I have been present in the court room when the Judge admonished his attorney for unprofessional behavior. X N missed a couple of court dates so I don't think he knows what a truly rotten lawyer he has. He thinks his attorney is the "cream of the crop".
The bright side is that both X N and his attorney are providing me with valuable ammunitition for the next battle/legal round. It's been more than obvious that the assigned Judge doesn't care for his attorney which I feel can only benefit me. His lawyer is from another county and doesn't seem to have any connections in my county. I guess I can only hope that he keeps this guy.
Re: Magic set. The kids have one. My brother bought them one last year.
I'll have to whip it out.
Mia
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Re: Magic set. The kids have one. My brother bought them one last year.
I'll have to whip it out.
Mia
Excellent. Wonderful brother!! Pick a card, any card ... [] [] [] [] 8)
Thinking further, though. There is such a thing as magic, only not the N version. Ns don't know about real magic. :?
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Last night at bedtime my daughter told me that she wants to poison her Dad. She also asked, "Why does he have to be my Father?!!"
How do I deal with this? I don't want her going to a crisis center. I know she wouldn't act on this and we had a long talk, etc. It disturbs me that she is even thinking of poisoning him. She said she would put it in his food.
I'm trying to think of all the movies/tv shows she has watched lately. I don't know whether or not she could have pulled this idea from a show??
This morning she acted fine and went off to school.
SIGH. I don't know what's going on.
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This morning she acted fine and went off to school.
SIGH. I don't know what's going on.
Mia,
Children can say really extreme things. I've heard some mindblowing things from my niece about death, killing, etc. It's shocking but it happens. Anyway, here's what I might do if she said this stuff to me:
"Wow, you want to poison him and kill him. Really?"
"Yeah, I'd put it in his food and he'd die."
"You're right. You must really be mad at him to want to poison him."
"I HATE him. I don't want him to be my father!"
"I can hear that. You're very very mad at him. You even hate him right now."
etc.
I would not react very strongly if I thought she was fantasizing. If I thought she was really going to do this, that's a different story. But I think she just wanted you to know she feels a lot of rage. Once she felt understood, she could go to school.
bunny
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Last night at bedtime my daughter told me that she wants to poison her Dad. She also asked, "Why does he have to be my Father?!!"
How do I deal with this? I don't want her going to a crisis center. I know she wouldn't act on this and we had a long talk, etc. It disturbs me that she is even thinking of poisoning him. She said she would put it in his food.
Well, if you stop and think about it, setting aside actually doing it, don't you think your daughter is entitled to think this way? It might be rather more unnatural if she didn't, given her experiences.
C says stuff like this a lot. She says she wishes her dad was dead, and sometimes that she wants to kill him. I say, I don't blame you for wishing that, as long as you understand that wishing doesn't make it happen, and that if or when he does die, it is because of his condition, not because you wanted it. But if you feel so badly that you wish for this, then I can understand that. I feel really bad too.
I think if C talked about poison, like this, I would make a game of it. I would help her to make up a recipe, like in George's Marvellous Medicine. Then I would help her to imagine what would happen to her dad, like his hair turning orange or something, and maybe draw a picture. Then I would tell her that the next time she is afraid of her dad, to imagine him with orange hair, but not tell him what she is thinking, and with any luck some of the fear will turn into laughter inside.
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I don't feel that my daughter is developing a mental illness. I know how X N operates and he is not afraid to use intimidation tactics at every turn. My daughter is the spitting image of me and she has a very strong personality and tends to challenge when she feels something is wrong. I would bet everything that he views her as a mini me.....his nemesis. Even though he can't stand being around her, he sees her as one of his possessions...something for him to control.
BINGO! you are exactly right....I have the same issue with my XN viewing my SON as mini me....and no, I don't believe that your daughter is developing a mental illness, either. I believe that the children/victims of a parent N need an outlet to vent through....I try to be the outlet for my son, as opposed to in inanimate object or his disassociating with him self and his environment. I let him yell (not at me, but at the situation). I let him curse, some and I encourage him to tell me everything he is feeling. I let him get angry, while sitting next to me, so he can't lash out at himself or anything else. I would imagine, Mia, my 10 year old, after many of his visits with his N father, has felt like banging on anything and everything....the pain and blood on her hand are insignificant to your daughter compared to the pain in her heart. Unfortunately, she has been successfully manipulated by your XN to believe that he is watching all the time. Though, I know that my XN watches me and my son whenever he can (at my son's sporting events he just glares at both of us), perhaps you could reassure your daughter that he can only see her when she can see him. Above all, make sure that you let her know that as soon as she gets home to you, you will be ready and available for her to vent to....I know how you feel when you say that you'd like to rush the car and kill him....these aren't anything but a mother's desire to protect her babies, at any cost...I believe that's what we all are, here in this world of support...hang in there and hug and hug and hug your daughter. I am constantly amazed how much better my son feels after a huge hug and I tell him our "secret" love you....God bless you and your daughter....hugs to you, Mia.
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miaxo wrote:
Last night at bedtime my daughter told me that she wants to poison her Dad. She also asked, "Why does he have to be my Father?!!"
Hi Miaxo,
It hink your daughter's reaction is healthy. I would just let it come out and you can agree about the anger part, I think others have provided much better reponses than I can think of.
As far as where she got the idea - if I understand she is either 5 or 7 years old? and poisoning is an event in lots of fairy tales. So it might not be an inappropriate thing she was exposed to (or may be depending on what you feel) but actually a good thing because she now has a way to strike back, if only in her imagination.
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Thanks Dawndulane and Guest 2.
My daughter has been doing much better the past week and a half. She freely confides in me, my husband, and my Mom.
X N still hasn't agreed to a summer schedule. He wanted some ridiculous schedule and I said NO. So, I'm waiting on a motion from the court that I imagine he is filing. The fun never ends.
At present, it's the calm before the storm. Trying not to think about it though. Well, at least not too much.
Mia
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Mia: just to let you know: the "I can't get my way on the summer schedule so I'm taking you to court" show is going on out here in the stinkin' desert too! Hey, at least we are not alone, huh?
Maybe these exNidiots have thier own support forum where they share ideas and advice on how to best use their genetic weapons (our children) to continue abusing the women who were smart enough to call them on thier behavoir and divorce them. Whaddya think?
I'm screaming right there with you, sister!
And after I scream, I get to go on with my beautiful life, which just pisses him off even more. Oh well!!!
Solidarity, Mia. I've got your (emotional) back, okay?
I don't share much (detail wise) here, because it's too complicated and I am sooo sick of dealing with it....talking or writing about it seems to give it too much credence. It's all a crazy man with money story, that's all. He hates life, cannot love,so I just keep moving, one foot in front of the other to my goal: life without his darkness!
Just remember: darkness cannot survive in the light. It simply cannot win.
Sending you light!!!!
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Mia: I don't have any prctical tips for you, don't know much of legal matters, just wanted to say that I feel for you and your children and am keeping my fingers crossed.